#anyway. tell me you have a mental illness without telling me you have a mental illness

[arsonist-chicken]

btw in absolutely unsurprising news I fucked up the exam of that class I'm taking for the third time badly again.

in very surprising news, apparently Something happened, idk if the dean said something to the professor or I looked like a distressed broken down wet rat enough or he just doesn't want to see me in his class again or idk, maybe it's not good for him if someone fails his class three times, but he actually offered that I could do a written exam on friday instead? which. is extremely surprising. good, because it gives me another afternoon to study and I can draw and go back to questions on a written exam, even if I have to shuffle around the other exams and papers now, just. very surprising.

#lol but next semester is the fucking seminar again with also the same professor #idk how you can teach such shitty classes regularly and never think hmmm maybe i should change something #with the amount of people having to take the classes at least twice #anyway good for me i'll keep crying over uni the rest of the week and the weekend too and then i'll do stuff next week #like i need to call my insurance and annoy them in person until they say yes to any therapist who will have me #and call the other thing #and oh i really need to find a different GP because i'm soundly back at the stage of where i can literally not think two sentences #after each other without trailing off or it taking up extremely much energy just to remember which store i wanted to go to #and i'm aware that stress and mental illness causes brain fog or whatever #but i've been stressed before but this only started last autumn and i need a different doctor to look at it #who won't just say oh it's just iron levels #there's something wrong with my brain and i need someone competent who actually cares to look at it and tell me #if therapy will fix this or if it's a physical problem #please let it be just brain fog htat therapy can fix i don't have time for this #i just want to sleep and cry until this bs is over but semester break starts next week but i still have exams then and a whle list of #stuff to do for uni still plus stuff otuside. like a doctor. and sleep a normal amount instead of in weird horu intervals on my desk and in #my clothes on my bed or floor or wherever i am at the moment my brain decides it's over now #also friends. i wanted to catch up. also a job. like. yeah i need a job even if idk how i'll do uni and a job with the way my brain is righ #now #huh. oh i have another exam in half an hour. send help i don't want to go to uni anymore #mine #still don't know what that class or the seminar next semester are about btw but we moce #*move #goddamn it I'm TIRED and not just in the physical sense #i'm so goddamn done with uni and insurances deciding about psychotherapy and the general state of the world and cost of living #and i miss my friends and i want to visit them but nither them nor me have time and travelling is expensive #and ijust want a goddamn fucking break but i don't see one comign anytime soon. not before summer #but probably not even then #and after that i'll start working so like #at least no goddamn seminars anymore but i still absolutely dread having to decide where i want to work a

[local-limebug]

what the fuck is up with the rise in trans hate how are people this sensitive about what someone else wants to do with their own body

#limebug.txt #literally its my life and i can live it however i want #and if the people around me try to stop me i WILL cut them off idc who they are i'm sorry #just fucking. let people live. god #if i let my hate win the way bigots let theirs win i'd be fucking lynched by religious mobs #insult my identity and i have to deal with it cause its your freedom of speech but i insult yours and i'm gonna go to a fake bad place?? #god i hate religious people sometimes #so many transphobes either call it a mental illness or hate it because god said so and both of those are such STUPID takes #religion. well thats self explanatory #but mental illness?? #that tells me everything i need to know about what they think of actual mentally ill people too #you wanna stop ppl from transitioning because its mental illness?? gonna take away bodily autonomy from other mentally ill ppl too now?? #and ik they do with institutionalization and shit but that's such bs too #people deserve help but they only need to be locked up if they are hurting someone else #that's my controversial opinion for the day: people who only harm themselves dont deserve to have their autonomy taken away #even if they are hurting themselves. you can try to help but if someone doesnt want help then leave them tf alone #and what really differentiaties piercings and tattoos from 'self mutilation' anyway #'god made you one way you cant change' fucking cry about it. humans have made the technology and i am going to utilize it #i will desecrate the face of god without hesitation. #i will mutilate myself gladly. i should have the legally protected right to mutilate myself because it falls under bodily autonomy. #transphobes are not the brightest

[m00ngbin]

Uh warning this whole thing is me complaining about my bones and pain and stuff so if you're sick of hearing about that you should probably ignore this

Whatever's wrong with my knee spread to my hip so I think that maybe I WILL be needing a cane or something soon and it's not just a joke I was making cause I had to keep sitting down in random places

Joke might be the wrong word because it wasn't really a joke and it wasn't funny, I was just trying to be lighthearted and it didn't seem like it was really happening or that it was probable

#sorry if we're ever in a public place and i suddenly make us stop so i can sit down for a few seconds #its not because im lazy or im trying to be annoying i swear #something ive been thinking about is disability #i don't think im disabled because i can still get around and do things but sometimes it is a little difficult and im worried that #in the future I'll have a really hard time walking without pain and ill have to depend on someone more than i already do #im already going to need to live with someone for the rest of my life anyway because of mental health stuff and i really dont want to have #to give up what freedom i have left #i read somewhere that disability forces you to rely on people and it takes away your independence and totally overhauls your life #and that disability really destroys your walls surrounding asking others for help/support #being independent and being self sufficient #i pride myself on my independence and self sufficiency and seeing that slowly start trickling away while theres nothing i can do about it #and nobody knows what to do to stop it is really painful #maybe it wont get so bad that ill be fully reliant but the possibility is there and not knowing is really scary #my choice and my autonomy are being ripped away and it not a person thats doing it its my own body #im not in control of my own body anymore #maybe im being dramatic but it really doesnt feel like it #because i am slowly watching my joints get worse and i am completely helpless. i cant do anything. im watching whatever this is spread and #not a single person can tell me what it is or why its happening

[thatwitchrevan]

I got my migraines and my depression both from my parents, it's my anxiety that makes my stomach pain worse and keeps me from sleeping, I've had days and weeks that the stress has been so bad it physically broke me, I live in a cycle where I'm too tired too sick too in pain to do things that make me happy and then become too sad and burnt out to fix any of it.

There's a time and place to remind physically abled people with mental illness that they can still be ableist. Anyone can be ableist whatever type of disability they themselves have. But mental illness and physical disability are not two separate spheres. Mentally ill people are very very frequently comorbid with physical disabilities and even those who normally aren't do suffer physical complications from their mental illness which is itself a disability.

If you're tired of able bodied people or people who appear able bodied mistreating or ignoring physically disabled people I understand and you're right to be. But if you just want to edge them out of conversations and shared experiences then I can't sympathize with that.

#I'm just tired of this discource #in what world is depression or anxiety not physical #you've never had a panic attack? tell me you've never had a panic attack without telling me #i recently had a migraine that lasted all night and nearly went to the er #i could not sleep or get comfortable and nothing helped the splitting fucking pain #and having a panic attack is still up there with it among the worst pains I've ever felt #your chest is cavinf in #you can't breathe #tell me that's not real pain #i get it #physical disabilities get treated in shitty ways that mental illness generally doesn't #it's still not a competition #we can push for awareness and call out ableism without perpetuating it against each other #anyway. bye

[celestial-sapphicss]

.

#so i just finished s1ep2 of the bear (i don't really get it so far but ok) #and there's this scene where the main character calls up his sister and tells her about the mental shit that has been happening with him uk #and like even though this feeling is always there but lile i can't help but feel like my life would have been so much better with a sibling? #like one id have good relationships with uk??? #and ik ik found family and forming meaningful relationships outside is an option but like in this capitalistic individualist society? is it? #anyways that's not the point it's that there's always stuff no body in the world would get except people who grow up with you innit? #be it school or hometowns or families and it would have been nice to have someone help me not feel this complete overwhelmness all the time #and without me feeling like im exaggerating or thinking that the person would judge me or having to keep telling everything repeatedly #but then i think would that even matter when I am the one who's the problem and like can't work to form that connection with anyone????? #like i for the life of me cannot share anything beyond the surface level or without making a joke out of it #and it seems funny but i trivialise so much of the fucking shit that happens so obviously no one takes it seriously not their fault right? #and like how fair to my friends that i literally almost always been superficial and lowkey untrue with them in exchange for their honesty??? #at this point i feel like i don't even know what i truly feel or truly am because whenever i look back at my past self im like wtf #idk most of the times it just feels like being 'stuck' in a glass container and me not 'letting' anyone in if that makes sense? #ik im being very annoying about it but im just so tierd of feeling like this its been a decade & its way too long to constantly feeling dead #and im so fucking stubborn in my sadness that i won't even go get help after years of crying about wanting it & now finally having resources #it's like this mental block which i can't seem to remove and i feel like even if i do get help ill still be untrue so what's the point!??? #yeahhhhh anyways i'll delete this later i don't journal so tumblr will have to make do #vi.txt

[oflgtfol]

it is really unfortunate the way suicidality is talked about nowadays because it’s either all a joke so it’s hard to discuss in a serious capacity or it’s so upsettingly serious that you can’t even discuss it without fear of like being institutionalized

#brot posts #im really glad to say this but ive had such a huge improvement this past month that like #for the first time in YEARS. i am not suicidal #dont know if its permanent but like it genuinely feels permanent because i have not gone this long without #thinking about it at least in passing #to go this long without a single thougjt of it at all feels like its permanent and i have to remind myself its literally been A Month #but anyway #sorry i saw a post thats only tangentially related to this but im like. irked right now #like its hard to stress this in the current har har i m gonna kill myself era. but like if you seriously think negatively about #people who are suicidal or have killed themselves; if you're religious and believe suicide is a mortal sin; if you cannot offer #any sort of reasonable sympathy for someone who is suicidal #then like. im sorry! but that is ableism! #it feels kinda wild to associate ableism with suicidality what with the current environment and weird funny-zation of being suicidal #but like legitimately. this is a mental illness. it is not a laughing matter and it should be met with kindness and an appropriate #level of weight that it deserves - not levity. not annoyance. and not brushing it off for whatever reason #im saying this with the clear head that i now have a month into zero suicidal thoughts after years of daily suicidal thoughts #having that stark contrast in the quality of my life really shines a light on just how utterly fucked it was to live like that #and it really smarts at me to finally reach the light at the end of the tunnel and then have people act like it wasnt as bad as it was #people who have never experienced it before themselves - like who are you to tell me my own life and experiences and illness? #to act like it wasnt even an illness in the first place?

[brittlebutch]

not to admit that i watched another disney property BUT the other gods completely ignoring marc’s testimony specifically because harrow told them about his DID really does strike that mentally ill ‘no one is ever going to believe you about your experiences’ chord

#N posts stuff #i mean i pirated it but whatever lol; anyway #like once someone knows you're crazy that's IT!! you are no longer the expert on what's happening to you or around you #any legitimate anxieties or causes for concern are dismissed as more delusions or paranoia #and even any attempt to explain your feelings/reactions are dismissed as automatically irrational/exaggerated #your thoughts and feelings and reactions are all lumped together under the Symptom umbrella by people who decide that means it doesnt matter #you never get to be the one who determines what's 'real'; even the well-intentioned just wind up gaslighting you to hell and back #it's a catch-22; you can't explain what's happening to you without admitting that you're mentally ill but once you DO that #no one listens to the explanation #hope it doesn't sound like i'm conflating DID and psychosis here; psychosis is just the frame of reference /i/ have with this bullshit #if harrow really was a therapist in some form before the ammit shit then you KNOW he knew Exactly what he was doing #not to admit that ep5 made my fucking Skin crawl but uh. they hit the nail on the head with that one #moon knight #this post brought to you by me trying to explain why one thing is more upsetting than another and my mom telling me i'm Lying <3

[starswallowingsea]

posting my rinne enstars playlist. im going to get a good grade in character playlist making, something that is normal to want and possible to achieve

#/ref to multiple things #i had to double check i didnt have a fallout boy song on here and i did not #anyway its almost 2 hours of me being mentally ill abt rinne if you listen to it #please tell me what u think <3 #shay speaks #enstars #rinne amagi #character playlist #'make a playlist without [list of 20 popular artists i have never listened to in my life]' #that cant stop me because i live under a pop culture ROCK when it comes to music #Spotify

[poppyseed799]

My favorite pastime: roleplaying characters and just making them soso weird and then pulling up the DSM-5 to try to diagnose them

#every time it’s like ‘did I invent a fake mental disorder or are these symptoms applicable to something’ #unironically it’s been pretty helpful over the years in making me more aware of all the different kinds of mental illness and such out there #oftentimes I’ll see someone say they have a disorder and I’ll think ‘I remember researching that for my OC’ lol #HONESTLY roleplaying characters with certain issues has been SO helpful in keeping me open minded #and reassuring me that I’m not a horrible person once I started to have more issues like intrusive thoughts #when my intrusive thoughts started to get bad I remembered ‘my oc has those and nobody blames him for it’ then suddenly I was better LOL #it’s so stupid I feel like ppl will say ‘that is NOT how you should be learning about this stuff’ but like idk it’s kinda been working #it’s like how representation is important except I’m making the representation myself…? so… idk. but it inspires me to do research. #anyways I’m currently stumped on one of my characters and how to diagnose him. I’m beginning to think he perhaps experiences delusions. #but I’ll have to do more research. #I haven’t even begun my research so I’m sorry if I’m totally wrong. #also I’m aware many sources might be biased against certain illnesses and such. I already faced that problem searching NPD 😭 I always take #the things I see in top results with a grain of salt. I know people will say ‘talk to ppl who have these disorders!’ but like. how do I tell #them I want to try to diagnose a fictional character that I play. I mean I guess I’m curious anyways? good to know about all this stuff even #without it being applicable to anything personal. but like. can u rlly just say ‘explain ur mental disorder to me’ 😭

[buck-yyyy]

man

#this is hard to explain #but #i desperately want a specific conversation to happen with someone #no one in particular just. someone #i want to sit down and explain everything. every single event in my life that led me to where i am today #and how i’ve realized that so many of the behaviours and traits i have today #are the direct results of various things that have happened in my life #and lay out plainly all the traits i have that i’ve noticed are very… distinct #(brain people just tried to fill in the word ‘mental’ for distinct. fuck you guys) #but like. things that i do that are abnormal for one reason or another (caused by suspected mental illness or just a weird trait) #‘oh theo just talk to your therapist’ you misunderstand. i’m not looking for a therapist’s perspective. i’m looking for an average person’s #interpretation of who i am as a person and what they think sticks out about me WITHOUT any sort of brain-knowledge influences #i need someone that is a completely clean slate #however. i’m not about to dump all that onto some random person because that would be insane lmfao #i just think that being able to lay out my entire life onto a bulletin board with red yarn would fix me. and maybe an un-opinionated #onlooker could provide me with some much-needed introspection #anyways i’ll just make a slideshow for my therapist or some shit idfk #is this egotistical? i want people to give me attention and tell me what they think is different about me #hm. whatever

[justaboutsnapped]

i should make a nico or brocedes playlist with just fall out boy songs it's completely doable and it will be so funny

#em speaks #like a good third of the shit on either playlist of mine rn is fob anyways. their songs just really work with nico bcos of the themes.. e.g #good ol' angst (it's mental illness).self vs public image as a celebrity.relationship turmoil (all the witty petty manpain lines in tttyg!! #i'm just the man on the balcony (read: podium) singing nobody will ever remember me! #i'm boring but overcompensate with headlines and flash flash flash photography!!!!!! nico vs. the media literally one of my favourite theme #like a kid playing pretend in his father's suit i'll never go i just wanted to be invited! every lover's got a little dagger in their hand! #a summer falling through our fingers again!! what would u trade the pain for! GIVE UP WHAT YOU LOVE BEFORE IT DOES YOU IN!!!!!!! #& obv bang the doldrums the classic... best friends ex friends. you're wrong are we all wrong. #I'm pedal to the metal make no mistake this is my pity party! i'm struggling to exist with & without u! #a rivalry goes so deep between me and the loss of sleep over you!!!! #and when it all goes to hell would u be able to tell me sorry with a straight face! u try too hard to not look quite as desperate!! #but out of every pretty pretty miscalculation you have got to be my all time favourite!!!

[depresseddepot]

can't describe it well but. talking abt the future with a group of severely mentally ill individuals and realizing you are still the most fucked up one at the table

#aka i had drinks with a friend of mine and a couple other people who also have severe anxiety and depression #and one of them mentioned suicide in passing and the whole table (sans me) was like ''noo no. im not THAT bad lmao'' #oh #oh okay lol #anyway. how do you talk about future plans and goals in a serious manner without revealing that you don't have any #i can only joke about living in an extremely cheap shack in the woods alone with my cats for so long #before i start having to come up with realistic goals to tell people when they ask #also the way someone was shocked when i told them my parents and i don't talk like they do with theirs #the echo chamber of mental illness on tumblr always makes me forget truly how fucked i am #anyways. this brain and this body cannot build a future where i am not miserable etc etc #step 1 is to move out but step 2 is to establish a will #sorry i probably shouldn't be talking abt this #vent

[milo-is-rambling]

Redyed my hair (a slightly deeper pink shade but basically the same) and now I’m laying in bed thinking about all the ways I’ve changed who I am and what I believe over the years and I don’t recognize who I was when I was young but I sympathize with them even more than I ever thought I could I just don’t think of those pictures of me as actually being me because my mind has always been this and I’m sure years from now I won’t recognize myself now because obviously my mind has always been whoever I am then

#idk something about your mind maturing when you aren’t paying attention and then suddenly you feel like you’re twelve again from some stupid #memory and you’re struggling to even remember what it felt like to be in those shoes and you don’t know how much is repressing trauma and #how much is you smoking weed constantly and how much is you being depressed and so suicidal and mentally ill in your early teens that you #didn’t even bother to attempt to make memories so now anything you do remember drags you back to the worst depression of your life and you #forgot how bad it was until someone else brings it up and suddenly you’re that kid crying and hurting yourself and begging anyone to care #and being abandoned and laughed at and you feel like it will never end and then you open you’re eyes and it hasn’t been that way in years #and you’d struggle to even believe yourself because everyone else ignores the way they treated you growing up so now yoh internalize it and #assume you’re just crazy for these memories you have cause surely your family didn’t laugh at you sobbing surely they didn’t bandage your #self harm wounds and then sit you at the table and scream at you about homework and then your mother talks about her therapist and suddenly #having someone in her life to put your adhd in perspective and she realizes that maybe there were reasons you were struggling other than #being lazy but she never apologized she still doesn’t apologize and you don’t bring it up you don’t tell her you remember but the silence #between you is deafening and you can both tell you’re forgetting something and you don’t know what the other person doesn’t know #haha yeah anyways #my mothers therapy is going good and she’s finally realizing that her kid and her husband had very similar adhd patterns that affected their #entire lives and we’re not as visible and her sons adhd patterns where he was more hyperactive #like I’m happy she’s learning to deal with all this shit but now that she’s in therapy and talking about all these things with me growing up #while somehow not at all talking about all the bad shit it makes me feel like she doesn’t even know she did anything wrong and I don’t want #her to feel worse about it rn cause there’s nothing she can do and we’ve moved past it but like I still can’t cry in front of people without #this deep pit of self hatred and thinking someone’s going to laugh at me when I show real emotions so I keep it all inside until I explode #but yeah at least she feels better about herself now #like legit I am happy for her and I don’t want to make her therapy about me but like god damn woman just admit anything you did and apologiz #so I know that you know it wasn’t the right thing to do #acknowledge that you hurt and scarred me so I won’t feel so fucking crazy all the time #I got kind of poetry ish in the middle there but I went back to being bitchy ranty soon enough so now I’m gonna go smoke real weed and try #to sleep without thinking thoughts or using my brain for anything other than bodily functions

[inkskinned]

i love my therapist but i hate being in therapy. 10 minutes before my appointment, i'm in a meeting with my boss - we discuss my artistic choices; my boss recommends i artistically choose less. 10 minutes after therapy, i wash my hair and think about everything that was said, and then i have to switch it off, like a lamp, and go back to work again.

i was on a walk the other day and someone had the perfect combination of his cologne and whatever-else. it was almost exactly his scent. i fucking hate that. after all these years, i remember that? i tell my therapist - i feel like a fucking wolf. try telling a middle-aged blonde lady. oh i scented him on the air. i'm 30, and i'm having a panic attack over something that would be a plotline in the omegaverse.

what they don't tell you about mental illness is that if you are lucky enough to survive it into adulthood; it becomes a weird slice of your life. because you do, eventually, have to build a life. i realized in a panic somewhere around 22 - oh. i don't know what i'm fucking doing, because i always assumed i'd just go ahead and die. i didn't die, and i'm grateful for that, and i'm very happy about that choice. but it does mean that i am an adult in an apartment, living with my conditions side-by-side like. oh, that's my roommate, adhd. ignore the glass, bytheway, that's ocd.

so you pick your stupid life up by the scruff of the neck and you're, like glad for it (so much laughter and light and friends you would have never thought possible, when you were in the worst of it). but it feels so strange to be dancing around these odd little microcosms, these patchwork moments of your symptoms. if you have a panic attack at night, you still need to wake up and walk the dog in the morning. if your depression is making everything boring, well, you don't have any sick days left, and a job's not really supposed to be that exciting anyway. your ocd tears out each individual leg hair, and then, an hour later, you sigh, patch up the bloody bits, and go get dinner with friends. and the life is kitten-quiet, mewling and pathetic, but it's also like - it's yours, so you're fond of it.

and it's like - you're real. so you still enjoy pushing the shopping cart really fast and then riding on the back of it down an empty aisle. and you're not, like, so sick anymore that when you accidentally drop a mug you burst into tears (except for the days you do that. which are bad). and no, you're not allowed around certain items anymore. oops! but you've learned to be good about brushing your teeth most days of the week. and yeah sometimes in the middle of the day you have a little freak-out about how fucking unfair it all is, how fucking hard, how other people can just do this without having to fucking hurt the whole time. and then you sigh and force yourself to sit down and fucking journal about it so you can tell the nice middle-aged blonde woman yeah i had a hard day but i practiced grounding. you still sometimes want to burst out of your own skin, but you force yourself to eat kind-of healthy and to take your vitamins. you let yourself chop off all your hair in the sink in a dramatic poetry of control and relief - and you also have developed good hobbies that help you move your body more frequently. you feel helplessly behind, lost in the shuffle - but you also practice gratitude, taking stock of what you have garnered. because you're trying. even if you're never gonna be normal, you have something... close enough.

and the little kitten of your life, this mangy, starlit tigercub, this thing you expected to rot so young: in your arms, it turns itself over, belly-up. exposing this new soft part, all the organs and guts. like it's saying i trust you now. you won't give me up.

#does this even MAKE SENSE!!!!! #writeblr #btw what im trying to express in that first sentence is EXPLICITLY the feeling of logging off therapy to immediately go back to work #like :) haha!

[astronomodome]

anyway I think zedaph’s like. plotline. character arc whatever is so funny to me. This man shows up to hermitcraft after being in a singleplayer world for 100 episodes and the first thing he does is turn around and build a hole in the ground and not talk to hardly anyone. And the second thing he does is trap the door. Excellent. So then he spends a season or two being a genius and inventing new mental illnesses for his viewers to have and etc etc. Dresses up for Halloween as the embodiment of death and goes up to people and asks them to die. Like. Normal things. He builds another hole in the ground and builds a complicated redstone device that can tell the time for him so he doesn’t have to go outside. And of course he traps the door again. Then in season eight he decides you know what I’m going to start regularly interacting with people other than my two (2) close friends. And you know how I’m going to do it. I’m going to put them in a box and psychologically evaluate them. Awesome. Wonderful. We love to see it. You know what that is? Growth. And so now we’re at season nine and he’s pretty regularly teaming up with the others and being silly and everything. And you know like trying to spy on them without them noticing and normal stuff like that. But at the end of the day he still lives in a hole

#introvert king is what I’m trying to say #he is so scared but he doesn’t have to be because he’s great and everybody knows it #idk his is probably mostly me projecting but like. his arc. is so funny to me #he does so much weird stuff AND he refuses to elaborate which is an absolute killer combination. no one is doing it like zed #hermitcraft #zedaph #astro speaks #most normal guy ever

[thebibliosphere]

Sometimes, I feel like I've exaggerated my mental illness and that I really don't need the amount of therapy I'm doing, and then I'll get a message telling me to kill myself, and a not-insignificant part of my brain goes "shit, you're right."

So then I just have to sit and breathe until my heartbeat climbs down out of my throat and the impulse passes. Because here's the thing.

There's genuinely a part of me that doesn't want to be here anymore.

I've struggled with suicidal ideation for decades. And I won't lie, it's tiring to keep fighting it. And someone telling me to do it feels like permission, and well, they wouldn't be saying that without good reason, right? They wouldn't say that if I didn't deserve it...

I mean, who would do that. What kind of evil person would tell someone to do that if they didn't -- except oh. No one deserves that, do they?

Anyway. Be careful what you say to people online. Some of us might just listen to you.

#suicide mention #suicide baiting #inbox is off for a bit