#and what i cant stop thinking about is that there wont be any consequences for this at all because eriksen made it
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this is a rant, vent, jumble of words im feeling and need to get it out of my system because im a little done
please scroll along if you dont wanna read, or dont, i dont control you
it never ceases to amaze me just how cruel people in fandoms can be. cruel, mean, hyprocritical, straight up dumb.
dont get me wrong, these people are a minority. i have found myself amongst the best sort of people in fandoms i am a part of and couldnt be happier for the friendships i have made from them.
but this incredibly loud minority piss me off to no end. i stay away from any sort of discourse, silently watching from the background and watch thing blow up over trivial matters, and then learn who to avoid in those circles and move on with my life
but when i see, what i consider to be blatant bullying, to someone i hold dear, i dont want to be quiet anymore. im not a loud figure, im a tiny blog that loves to simp over 2d characters, a tiny stream channel that i interact with like minded people. and i mean i am TINY, im barely a blip on this wide web. so anything i say, it doesnt go anywhere, so still, i stay silent until i cant anymore.
so lets get to the crux of the matter.
if you dont like a character, you dont get to make others feel bad about liking them. i dont care if you think they are problematic, if you dont like their story, their look, or simply the fact that they exist
you dont get to make someone feel bad for finding a connection with them and loving them
you dont get to attack them about liking the character, passively or aggressively, you dont get to make fun of them and any of the work they do around them. you have no right to take it upon yourself and make someone feel like they dont belong just because they like a character that you dont
if you dont like the character, dont fucking interact, its that bloody simple. scroll away. mute the tag, mute the channel, whatever. just walk away
interacting with someones content for the pure purpose to make fun of it is cruel. you are making it public that you want to demean the person for what they enjoy. and the worst thing is, if you catch the attention of the younger audience, they learn that they get to act that way, and this kind of online activity only gets worse
it already has gotten worse. man, im a millenial and i thought keyboard warriors when i was in highschool and older where bad. these days the younger generation feel justified to think that they can say whatever they want and suffer no consequences of those actions. i see it in so many fandom discourses. its horrible
but they learn from the worst of us on the internet. the more they see the cruel interactions, the more they think its okay to act that way. and without a doubt, fandoms will end up being incredibly toxic environments that people wont feel comfortable to exist in anymore.
every fandom has a toxic space, its unfortunate but it is true. i wish it wasnt
and the smaller the fandom, the louder this toxic group is
it just fucking sucks. and watching people i care about be treated so badly hurts because all i can do is be their support. an ear, a shoulder, just someone they can vent to. but it doesnt stop the fact that they got hurt and i cant do anything about it
god i dont even know what this even turned into. im tired, im upset, im just so frustrated.
why cant people just be nice?
if you managed to read all the way down here, man i applaud you. that was a great mess of thoughts, i still have many more but at this point i feel like i would be repeating myself
please, just. be kind guys. its not that hard, i swear it
to all my moots, honestly, i love you guys. seeing all your work and love you put into your creations gives me life and brightens my day. dont ever stop loving your craft and your fav characters just because someone decided to be a prick.
#meow rants!#honestly if you read this you are a champion lol#do good#be nice#this really is just a jumble of thoughts i needed to get out and what better place than a tiny blog#i wish i could do more but alas this is all im good for#to all my moots i love you all
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I have a DE hot take that I don't think most of the fandom is ready to hear.
Disco Elysium is explicitly anti cop. The RCM is definitively bad and the police force is violent and abuses its power regularly.
But that's not all it says about cops. It explores deeply the reasons people become cops and how the police force takes advantage of those things and uses it to make people into weapons first and people second.
People become cops because they lack power in their life and want to have power or feel in control, they become cops because they are pressured by loved ones, and they become cops because at their very core they are afraid.
The police force knows this and uses it to make people constantly afraid that they are about to lose their control, their power, and or their loved ones at any moment. And it tells them that violence, shooting first and asking never, is the way to keep all of that safe.
You see this by being in Harry's head. He is constantly afraid for various reasons and he lashes out to feel in control or feel like he has the power in any given situation.
This i think is the most important thing that DE does. It makes you care so deeply for Harry and Kim. It makes you understand what led them to being trapped in the RCM and why they now wont or cant ever stop being cops.
Now onto how this all ties into my hot take.
The police should be abolished.
They are inherently bad.
But if you are not prepared to take in all of those people. People that the government have brainwashed into being terrified and told violence is the solution. Who have no lost not only their job but the things they were told would keep them safe from the world. Then you are a bad person. These people will need support for what was done to them. And we need to be willing to provide it.
I'm not saying that you have to like them. But you have to be willing to help them and understand that it is necessary because when the police go away all those people will not disappear. They will need support in the same way veterans - who are similarly brainwashed by the government - do. Because if we don't they will not be able to reintegrate themselves properly and there will be consequences for that.
Y'all keep saying that Kim and Harry cant be good people until they stop being cops which is fair and I agree with but I also know a bunch of you wouldn't be willing to also put in the work to support them if they did leave or the RCM crumbled and they were left standing in the wreckage. Or if you would be willing its because they're Harry and Kim, not because you think ex cops need or deserve help.
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A different explanation for sagau
Staring at the jar filled to the brim with some weird purple stuff not knowing what to do with it I put it in a box in my room.
It was a gift from someone I like to not think about why would father give me this well also a thick letter I have no interest in opening.
Half forgetting about it I continue on with my day.
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at first its just a book or two I reread a line and it's different not sure if I'm miss remembering or not so I ignore it.
but all the things in genshin start to make me question my sanity.
At first it was nothing to suspicious a weird question from Albedo here a Xiao in general there.
But why did Albedo look like he was trying to hide something when I went to his lab. And why did Xiao sound so flustered every time they spoke I hear that he was not well translated but it is kinda weird.
But Ayaka and Yoimiya are a hole new breed they become more talkative like to many in to little time how can they make so many I cant help but get nervous after I lose count of how many times I have wondered around collecting everything I see while Ayaka tells me how her day went. Or Yoimiya says well a lot.
doing my commissions in mondstadt and all of a sudden klee just runs in and starts chucking bombs at everyone laughing my ass of at first then immediately realizing how weird this is I'm not in co op who is this klee and how did they get here my confusion increases when she starts speaking "Hi screen friend".
"What" I said very confused doesn't every one say traveler "um u oh" Klee looked confused for a second then said "Oh right your shy Albedo said not too talk to you in till your special present is finished but I saw you so" she then preceded to make her best puppy dog eyes "you wont tell Albedo right"
I'm not sure what to do here but go to the group chat thing and type don't worry I wont tell your bro" so I do just that Klee then said "um could you say that out loud I cant read backwards" horror begins emanating of me what did she just say say it out loud did they hack into my microphone hiding my uncomfortableness as best I could "don't worry Klee I won't tell Albedo don't worry" Klee looked brimming with joy and said "then could you maybe play with me"
not sure what the best course of action is but after the initial shock I can't help but think this is some elaborate hidden event I mean there is no way that genshin could become self aware and if it is the best way to know is throw Klee so "yes I would love to" Klee excitedly tells me to follow and I do just that.
I'm not sure what to feel anymore on one hand Klee is adorable also exploding thing with her is is fun but how the fuck is this do able in the first place there is no ai to become self aware so that is out. the in environment has become more interactive well mostly Klee but I can do a few more things but not nothing can last forever. "Klee I know your here you know the consequences" was that Jean a shit wait I'm fine but Klee is not Jean looks furious then she looked at my character after that the face was hard to put meaning to "what is the meaning of this" Jean points at my character "we agreed to keep them in the dark about this" "I uh well" Klee looks nervous I don't blame her Jean looks anger er than the trailer with so "Stop"
Klee and Jean look at me "I found Klee first and she and she only told me that she can here me" Jean looks less mad and a little barrenest "oh" Klee looks at me as if I put the stars in the sky and I know just what to say to make this better "also what was that about keeping me in the dark" Jean looks nervous for less than a second then said "well you see Klee knows knight secrets so is there any further questions" Jean speaks in a serious knightly tone I know when to shut up and honestly I felt like I ow Klee for all the incriminating things she said to me also I need to look some stuff up.
"well if that is it I'll be going" I say Klee waves happily goodbye jean also waves teleporting to a statue of the seven then logging out I open up firefox and everything related to what just happened and I find nothing I then look up anything in a average house that can make you hallucinate and I have not had any of the things that can.
then I remembered the jar I go to the box I put the jar and find the jar was have empty also I notice that the glass of the jar was not clear I could only make out the color of what is inside angrily I open the thick letter and I learned that my dad joined a fucking cult and gave me hallucinogenic drugs with an enormous amount of anger I slam the jar to my desk and stomp to the trash bags all the while saying "why did I keep that motel cumstain of a dad gift you pathetic sack of disappointment and horse shit" shouting to my self not caring if I worry anyone when I come back to the jar I see that it is empty.
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a/n honestly I was going to right more but that cliffhanger ending might be better I will probably do more so uh see you sometime later bye
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would you rather have unlimited bacon, but no more games
or
games, unlimited games, but no games
OH YMY FUCG GOD NOT THIS QUESTION
You know what. Fine. I will take this. Full philosophical way.
Before we start, both sentences are connected in terms of consequences. I will explain them differently, and connect them in the end.
Option A) Unlimited bacon, but no more games
This option is clear. You get unlimited bacons, whatever brand and whatever amount. Only question is "when, or how" ? Do you summon unlimited bacons WHENEVER you go and WHEN you want it, magically? Or do they just spawn in your home? Well, we shall focus on the end product. You get unlimited bacons. This is a win-win. Clear.
No more games is also clear. I assume that you can not play video games, card games, board games, or any other thing that is considered as "game". But, how? Will be there an evil magic that just stops you whenever you want to play a game(1), or you just instantly become so bad at every game in this world and cant play them, and lose every time(2)? I think it would be the (1) , considering the way our sentence says "no more games" .
So in this first option A, you get unlimited bacons forever but you will be not able to play any games forever. This option at least has a win.
Things get fucking ridicilous at the second option.
Option B) Games, unlimited games, but no games
This option is literally a silly paradox what. You get unlimited games but NO GAMES?? Also, what do you mean by "unlimited games" ?? I assume you magically get/acces to every single game in the world? Like, ancient board games suddenly spawning in your home and every single game on Steam is magically available for you, for free? I also assume physical copy games also spawning in your home?
Aight listen. Owning EVERY SINGLE GAME is maybe not a good idea. Think about it, you owe everything from console to PC to board gamed and all. PlayStation 2 has over 4,000 games alone, good fucking luck deciding something to play bruh.
I believe having unlimited games WOULD make you feel a bit overwhelmed. But sure, you can have tons of fun with em. I mean, every single game ever is now free for you and you technically dont need to play all of them. So in the end, this IS a win.
But. It all fuckin crumbles when the second sentence comes.
"No games".
...so. You get unlimited games. But also, no more games.
So you get NOTHING.
(Have you noticed how it says "unlimited" , and not "infinite" ? Both are way different. Because they are unlimited, you can store them. For example you can just spawn 50 bacons and call it a day, and spawn 50 again when you tun out of them. Also same when it comes down to "unlimited games" . Just maybe spawn 20 Wii games yada yada? There are basically no limitations, so you can also stop whenever you want. They are not infinite. If they would be infinite, you would NOT be able to store them. I mean, infinite games would not work because there are numbered games in this world.)
... option B is pretty stupid. You also must think about your own PC and consoles. Yea, you get unlimited games but they are not giving you very powerfull free PC or consoles. So, techincally if your PC sucks you cant even play some of the unlimited games. Well, maybe you can.. sell the games and make money? They are unlimited soo. This is probably allowed lol
But, option B simply cant work. You get unlimited games, but no games. This means you literally get NOTHING.
"Game" in this sentence is also confusing. If it would say something like "Unlimited games, but no more board games" , that would make perfect sense. But it says "games" , so it also means that you will not be able to get ANY kind of games.
You get unlimited games. But no games. You get fucking nothing. This goofy paradox gives you techically nothing, so its a L.
Summary
In Option A, you at least win something. Option B however, as discussed, gives you basically nothing.
With unlimited bacons, life would be awesome. Bacons, whenever you like. You can also technically sell them and make crazy fucking money, yeah? You wont be able to play games anymore, but still. At least you win HUGE. Watch movies or something for your entertainment, you can fill the emptyness of games.
Second option however, is ridiculous. You get unlimited games, but also no games. Its like 1 - 1 , it makes a 0. They erase each other and leave nothing behind. A huge zero.
I would choose unlimited bacons. I can continue my life with that way, and even make it better. Sure i really would miss playing games, but i could also change myself. This option at least gives you something. Second option? Nothing. Unknown. Confusion. Horror.
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Pls do Leon for all ;; I love this man so much
ALL,,,,,,,,,, i was gonna tell u to come back with less but u know what . hes my special little guy im going for it [under a cut for 8 million miles length, warning for various bad eating habits, mentions of past abuse/trauma, addiction, self loathing, etc]
🎵 Do they have a noisy tummy? Is there anything unique or notable about the sounds their tummy makes? - i dont think theres anything too special about his tummy noises but it does have a lot to say. he either neglects to eat or eats absolute garbage, has a tendency to eat too much garbage in one sitting, chews a lot of gum (alternative to smoking) & gets bloaty from it, etc he does not treat his poor tummy kindly & it has no issue with speaking up about it
🏃 Do they eat faster or slower than average? If so, are there consequences? - he tends to eat way too fast & winds up 1. full of air and 2. too full bc he ate too fast for the fullness to catch up with him until its too late
🤬 How do they act when they're hungry? When they're too full? Which is worse? - he tends to be relatively quiet in his suffering so neither is awful. he forgets/works through/skips meals often enough that its just standard business for him, he'll be tired & achy & low energy but not That much more than usual. too full is probably worse bc a belly full of crap may incapacitate him for a while & then hes all sad & miserable
🥺 How do they feel emotionally when they eat too much? - shitty ! his lousy ex husband bill always made him feel awful about himself for overeating, putting on weight, etc & that mean-ass voice is still in his head. & he also feels like a stupid asshole for putting himself into that situation
🫢 Do they have any kind of belly kink or awareness of it? Do any of the characters around them? - i dont think so, although shel is very fond of his tummy but not necessarily in a kink way
📅 How frequently do they get into tummy shenanigans? - All The Dam Time [see first question] its rare for his tummy to Not feel at least a little crappy or be at least a little bloaty
🫥 Are they able to hide their hunger? Do they try to? - he tries & he usually succeeds at least until his belly starts growling enough to notice. cant hide it from shelly tho that guy can read him like a book
🤢 Are they able to hide it when they're too full? Do they try to? - Not At All. he tries to downplay it but he cant even try to hide it bc its useless. his tummy sticks out so much
🛌 What's the number one thing they want when they're too full? (belly rubs, sleep it off, lay down, etc) - mostly he just wants Comfort. wants someone to hold him so gentle. & if he feels all yucky n queasy he wants to sleep it off
🕒 What's the longest they've gone without eating? How did they feel? - probably like a day and brother . He Did Not Feel Awesome
break bc it straight up will not let me put all this in one block
🥘 What's the most they've eaten in one sitting? How did they feel afterwards? - i have 2 scenarios in my brain. one is the time someone talked him into weight watchers & he snapped like 3 days in & ate a ton of random crap in the middle of the night and the other is eating an entire pizza in one evening for no good reason. hes a little guy and in both scenarios his belly is so distended he can barely move. hurts and feels like a dumbass
🍽️ What's the most they can eat without getting a bellyache? - Good Quastion it depends on What hes eating. i think if he goes out for lunch somewhere & gets like a decent-sized sandwich & fries or some shit he can finish the whole thing & be just about at his limit before it becomes uncomfortable
🛑 Do they tend to stop eating when they're comfortably full, or do they keep going? Why? - he has a tendency to go overboard for various reasons. knows the food wont stay good any longer, eating his feelings, cant stop picking at it, etc
🧑⚕️ Do they usually ask for comfort when they don't feel good, or does somebody just know to comfort them? - hes too ashamed to ask for comfort. he feels awful making anyone worry about him. lucky for him shel knows when he needs a little extra care
💝 Do they want comfort when they don't feel good--even if they won't admit it--or do they prefer to deal with it alone? - he wants comfort So Bad even tho he doesnt think he deserves it & doesnt wanna worry anyone he wants nothing more than to be held & comforted when he feels shitty
😢 Are there any specific foods that upset their belly? - i dont think theres anything really Specific & his body is so used to eating like shit that its more the quantity of whatever hes eating than the food itself
🎈 Do they ever find themselves feeling bloated from something other than food? (swallowed air, too much liquid, period, illness, etc) - swallowed air is a big one, both bc of the fast eating & the gum, and liquid is also one. it doesnt really come up in my writing much but he is a (semi-recovering) alcoholic & this naturally causes some considerable bloating
🍎 If the goal was to eat as much of one food as possible, what food would they choose? Why? - i dont know if its the Best choice but i think hed go fries. that guy can put away some fries. even when his belly is absolutely stuffed he cant stop pickin at fries
👕 Have they ever had a belly-induced wardrobe malfunction? (popped button, shirt riding up, etc) How did they feel about it? - almost certainly. his empty tummy is nothing to write home about but it gets Impressively big, bordering on looking pregnant, if hes really full/bloated. i dont have a specific scenario in mind but whatever it was hed be absolutely mortified, even if nobody witnessed it
😈 Have they ever gotten into tummy shenanigans on purpose, for their own pleasure or somebody else’s? - no. he doesnt need to tho bc it happens by accident enough
😝 How would they feel if someone teased them for being hungry? For being too full? - he can laugh at himself a little when hes hungry but if someone teased him for overeating hed probably cry
😟 Are they shy about their belly for any reason? - he Hates his belly he thinks its so ugly. all he can see when he looks at it is this pasty doughy un-masculine mommybelly. he hates how chubby it is he hates the stretch marks he hates his dumb little appendectomy scar & bill Really hammered it into his head that his body is unappealing, esp after having their baby
🖼️ How would someone close to them describe their belly, in appearance or otherwise? - to contrast that last response, shel would describe his tummy as Absolutely Adorable and soft and pillowy and warm and squeezable and very nice to touch
🕴️ Is there a certain type of situation that frequently results in tummy shenanigans for them? - some days he'll go to wawa after work for a snack/dinner & overestimate how much he can eat bc hes starving. winds up getting a bunch of greasy crap & giving himself a bellyache
⚖️ Has their weight changed at all over the years? How do they feel about it? - hes never been really skinny but hes def put on some weight over the years. he mightve been ok with it if bill hadnt been so awful to him about it but alas
🫄 Has there ever been a time when their belly was so bloated that it got in their way/made a task difficult? - his belly sticks out Far when hes really bloated. things like washing the dishes when his bellys pushing against the counter, trying to reach to the bottom of the washing machine, etc become Awkward And Uncomfortable
🧐 Is it obvious when they’ve overeaten, be it by the appearance of their belly, their behavior, etc? - even if his belly wasnt Crazy Distended i think itd still be clear that whatevers in there is weighing him down, esp if its something really heavy thats got him feeling kinda queasy
🍔 Has another person ever caused them to overeat deliberately or unintentionally? - shel has def gotten him to eat too much unintentionally. not his fault he wants leon to eat good food for once🤷
🫧 How do they feel about burping in front of others? Does it happen often? - i think it happens fairly frequently with the amount of air he swallows & he tries to keep it quiet or swallow it back down bc hes a little embarrassed about it
☹️ Have they ever forced themself to finish eating something that they didn’t want to finish? - probably, if he didnt think he was gonna be able to save it for later. doesnt wanna waste it & if nobodys around to share it with hes gonna cram it in
😍 Does anybody give their belly extra attention even when it feels perfectly fine? How do they feel about it? - shel is all over his tummy he Loves that thang. leons all bashful about it but it Does make him feel loved & it helps to combat some of those negative thoughts since shels affection is so genuine
💭 Have they ever had a memorable tummy shenanigans incident that other people still bring up to this day? - i think he once overate at a work party & popped a button upon sitting down. hell on earth humiliation. one of his annoying coworkers still brings it up from time to time. he wants to bite her head off
🚗 Does their tummy get upset from things other than food or hunger? (nerves, vehicles, etc) - he gets carsick if hes not the one driving. nerves probably also but thats indistinguishable from any other aspect of his day to day life
🛏️ Does anybody ever use their tummy as a pillow? If so, how do they feel about it? What’s it like for the other person? - shellyyyyy i just Know shels using his belly as a pillow its so soft & plush & cozy he'll fall asleep on it so fast esp bc leons playing with his hair while hes layin there. & then leons Stuck There. he thinks its kinda sweet tho
🙄 Is there a certain type of recurring tummy shenanigan that they’re notorious for? - everything .
🫱 Do they like having their belly touched? In what circumstances, if any? - hes a little skittish about it even with shel bc of The Insecurity & also bc bill would like jab n pinch him so sometimes he still flinches a little (shel wants to hunt bill down & skin him alive every time that happens) but he Does like when shel rubs his belly once he settles into it
#message#xleonx#xshelx#THANK YOU ................................ SORRY IF THIS IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE#some of the questions become a little repetitive when its all applied to one character but we make do#ask game replies
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1 on 1 mark session recap! As always, sorry not a lot of context is given.
Mark first finished reading a book 'on thorns and their consequences' which was basically explaining how the sabbat came to be and their PoV on things and then with an anarch commentary towards the end expressing their disagreements. but on the first last page was red runic lettering which mark could not recognize and which sucked up his vitae when he placed it on it.
He tried to do some internet research and came across an obscure forum which claims to be for learning about obscure languages but actually seems to have a lot of vampires on it posting real and fake runes, kinda like testing each other
The runes mark was looking at were on there but the mod, who basically posts in every server, says 'you wont find anything about that in this life.' the posteris like 'cmon doesn't someone have any family who could help' and the mod replies 'ask J' so that smenacing.
idk if J is Julius? it probably isnt but anyway. mark has already reported reading this book to julius and so is gonna ask him about it cause he couldn't figure it out.
the rest of the night he spends teaching G -G is doing well and did remember his vowels : ) also explained to Gs sister how he made sure the investigation would stop and ask if she needed any other help. she asked if he could get them free or at least out of their current essentially prison sooner and mark said no but they would be out in a month to a month and a half. she didn't know how long that was. so he explained how torpor and weeks and months and years worked
she still didnt say thanks or bye to mark but there was maybe something where she was close to doing so
i love G im so glad he is doing well he learned a lot he is almost through the alphabet
ok now for the meat of the session. the next night he goes to the chantry to talk to cassidy about the books. Knocks on the door. no answer.
He is getting a bad feeling. represented irl by the ST playing absolutely terrifying music as i search for him.
In the chantry apartments there is an often ignored ghoul at the front and so then he asked her where Lilian’s apartment was (Cassidy’s best friend.). She told him. He knocked on her door. No answer.
Checks the cafeteria. nope. library. nope. physics department (where their circle head, Dr. White, is). Nope. He asks someone there if she had seen either of them. nope.
so i'm worried as hell
im trying to think what mark could do and im like. i cant scry on him cause i dont have anything of Cassidy’s.
and the st gives me a Look as if 2 say u do ur forgetting
But he kinda gives it to me for free hes like, ur wearing the same coat you did when you went to the movies
Turns out mark has cassidy's ticket. so thats close enough to being his so. mark does scry on him
its not super juicy but it is super concerning. Cassidy is by lilian in what is probably the side door in his haven that mark hasn’t been in. barricading the door. with a fuckton of furniture. and also pushing against it. lilian looks terrified. cassidy looks So Done With This Shit (tm). something is banging on the door.
so with that mark goes back to the ghoul and is like. So. Uhm. Yeah i actually have permission to enter cassidys haven yes. please let me in
she looks scared - mark put her in a real bad spot. If he doesn’t actually have permission and she lets him in he could get in trouble. but he reassures her that itis fine and his decision and nothing bad will happen.
so she says ok and goes to open the door (she is able to if she is doing so of her own consent, she functions as a key ig). As she goes to open it, Mark says uhm. they are doing experiments so when you open the door. back up. and she's like "okay?' and opens the door and immediately vine tentacle thingies burst out and she falls back on her ass and scrambles back, screaming
she gets away and mark engages in combat. its the same sort of monster, just smaller, as the one on his territory in the conservatory, that navigate by sound. it has a lion's mane around a beak in the center and vine like tentacles around it.
mark takes a LOT of damage in its first attack he had like 1 unharmed box left but he manages to win :)
cassidy and lilian pop out from the door and are like. mark is that you?
Cassidy’s haven is wreckt sadly. Mark's like. yeah its me. its dead. you can come out.
lilian is SO sad it's dead but she isnt mad at mark. its clear she wanted to subdue it but they had no way to do so and mark comments as such
she's like "i was sooo close " :(
cassidy looks So Done and is like. thank you for your assistance mark but how did you . get in.
mark is like. thats not really important right now, is it? cassidy says 'somewhat, but we can discuss that later'
mark says that unfortunately this made quite a lot of noise and the ghoul went screaming for help so time to get your stories straight.
theres a few other things said but then zach rolls up
If you dont know who zach is he is a newly turned tremere. dr. white's child. elevated into power due to his sire. he's a classic skater boy. hes head of security. he figured ALL of marks shit out when he broke into a lab - he is GOOD at his job despite his casual attitude. he says 'chill' all the time.
he skates up (yes skateboard in the hall) and asks whats up. mark says 'hi zach. it's chill, i handled it.' (Mark kinda likes Zach).
And hes like. 'whats chill? can you explain?' and marks like. looks at cassidy and lilian. 'they would know better i just came at the end' and cassidy’s like. looks at lilian as if to say to her. u did this shit u explain!
so lilian starts a story which is kind of obviously partially a lie.
she says that she was doing her research, developing off of Leanah's (which was the stuff mark uhm. stole and sabotaged for her). and she noticed this evening that some things were off. papers where she wouldn't normally leave them. but the chimera project was So Important (TM) for the chantry that she just HAD to press on. Oh Also I found this Lipstick (produces lipstick) that looks JUST like what Leeanah wears isnt that interesting! (zach has her put it in an evidence back for him). She says 'Cassidy even made a joke that maybe I should wear makeup more often." Cassidy grunts but keeps a poker face. he would obviously Never Fucking Say That and lilian is messing with him.
god i love them sm. mark also knows cassidy would never fucking make that joke
(explaining a story that may dictate ur fate as u are investigated. does not miss an opportunity to fuck w the bestie* girl!
she continues to say that she got the embryo (described as tadpole) out of the cauldron she starts growing it. and it kept well. growing.
she pauses there. zach is like. okay and? it grows and?
Cassidy steps in. 'when it got bigger than our couch we realized we had a problem.' (also hehe ‘our’ couch their friendship is everything 2 me…)
lilians like yes. then thankfully cassidy, with some assistance from mark, killed it. and here we are :) and then zach turns to mark and is like. what do you mean how did you get here how did you know.
and marks like Oh Well You Know "I was coming here for unrelated reasons, cassidy and myself are working together you see. And I had permission to enter. And obviously I would assist him in combat. *Coughs.*
he coughs cause i rolled 1 success on the lie T_T
zach is like. you have permission?? and cassidys like uh yes. 'as needed he can enter. its easier that way' so yay that ghoul won't get in trouble LOLLL mark got retroactive permission
even if each can tell he lied like. how do u call him on that when the person who was to have given him that permission said he did.
Liliana finishes up by describing how awful it was to be sabotage. At the end of her story. she says "Im sure leeanah would be very sorry if she saw the destruction she caused and would say so' and cassidy said 'i would not accept her apology' annnddd thiswent over my head but the st explained that was lilian apologizing to cassidy and cassidy telling her to fuck offlkdsafjlkdsjf
and zachs like. aight seems chill! (Perhaps all was not chill). lemme go in your haven here to see evidence of that sabotage
and cassidys like oh, please do let me clean up first :) and zachs like :) noo you should see my room haha its fine :) and then cassidsy like. okay fine. you do not have permission to enter my haven. which is something respected in the chantry
zachs like do u really wanna go down that route.
Cassidy appears to hesitate. Mark is FREAKINGGG out he CANNOOTTTT find those books mark had him gather. thankfully cassidy says. Yes. Yes I do.
And so zach says fine thats chill. ill see you soon- and he has one of his guys (he had a small posse with him) stay.
cassidys like. well that was a mess. mark says yes. which is why you should start cleaning it. do you want help.
The person Zach left behind enters cassidys room and was making sure the pc was ok. mark is like cassidy is that ok?? and cassidy says 'oh, hes chill.' It seems this was the little fucker that set up the pc and internet for cassidy in the first place! cassidy makes friends with fledglings :) he doesn't speak but cassidy calls him Hack. because that's what he does, ig
Anyway. Mark helps lilian gather monster body parts to the center of the room where she starts some sort of chanting incantation to get rid of it. cassidy goes into his Side Room to start cleaning. When mark is done gathering body parts he knocks and peeks into the side hallway. cassidy tells him to enter and mark starts helping him put books away
well first theres this hallway which has 2 doors. mark enters door two with cassidy.
its a beautiful study room with mostly books, but also some old clothes, including a duster (COWBOY CASSIDY REAL...) and a painting with someone in a cuirass but the face is oddly blurry
also, all the books do not have legible titles.
with sense the unseen it seems the chandelier in the room has some sort of enchantment blurring those things out
there is also a TALL ASS stack of those notebooks he writes in. Mark glances at it and looks at cassidy who pauses and says. i need to call in a favor. can you just keep packing books away for 10 mins ? and marks like Sure
and hes left alone in cassidys study. but he decides to NOT snoop and figures he wouldnt be able to read shit anwyay due to that enchantment so he does literally just put books away.
Cassidy returns and unfolds a piece of paper that he remembers Wendy using before - its like. a bag of holding.
he unfolds it and puts it under the stack of notebooks carefully . the note books fall in. then he carefully, very very very carefully, folds it up. mark comments 'got a few years in there, huh?" he replies "A good deal more than that.".
but yeah theres also furniture and stuff everywhere btw, its a mess. The pack up books. During this time mark asked like. ok we cant keep these books about resisting blood bonds in her haven. and Cassidy is like. really mark. you're gonna make me haul them from the library every time ur gonna read them, and mark is like. sorry. yeah : )
They finish and return to the mainroom. lilian is on the floor, hands splayed, miserable. done with everything. cassidy makes a point to step over her.
cassidy and mark hauled books up to lillian's haven which was much smaller. and complained about stairs. together <3 lol
When they return hack is no where to be found. cassidy looks around and comments that the should not be in the back rooms. he does open the door to the second room but he asks mark to step back so he cant see in : (anyway mark ends up finding zach with sense the unseen (he went Invisible ig) and he was rifling upstairs through lillian's things
cassidy is like 'hack ive been through enough tonight please just give it back' and hack goes to the computer and types:
";)
I have to give them something, y''no"
and cassidy is like. sigh. will this make our unlives harder in the future. and he writes
"maybe a little"
and marks says “you know what that's fair” <- has done the same shit of finding something Smaller so it proves he was Trying but actually not
cassidy comments that he is sad about his clothes getting thrown around and wrecked - 'over the decades he had collected quite a collection, some of which are hard if not impossible to replace' and mark comments 'i hope the tv is ok too'
and upon saying that cassidy actually reacts as opposed to being stone faced "Oh no you're right, the tv!" and he goes right for it
drops to his knees to prop it back up. and theres a crack through a fourth of it. he looks so sad. mark turns it on and it does still display but there is that crack
mark is like its ok we can get another and cassidy is like ' but this was my first tv :('. hes sentimental about it my fucking HEART
marks like. im sorry. i can help you pick out a new one maybe. cassidy says he'll likely take mark up on that. and mark also says maybe it could be fixed and cassidy says he will also try that
but yeah its cute that he got attached to the tv T_T (edited)
anyway zach skates right back in after the bit with hack that i described above. and says. ok in the name of the authority invested in me by blah blah blah... everyone but you, get out please! (hack being that one)
sooo the three leave. And mark is like.well. good luck with everything.
Cassidy and lilian do not look very happy but give ike a half hearted thanks
mark is lowkey like. ok u could be a bit more thankful i saved ur ass and helped u clean up but OKAy . . . .
cassidy also mentions that they can still work on their shared research in a few nights
oh also mark finally got the opportunity to ask if they had showers and they do not and mark is like. wow that sucks.
Cassidy diddnt seem to care but like. dude. imagine only having washrooms. L.
thats the session!
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⭐️ 2: Electric Boogaloo
DANCESDANCES HEHEHEHE HMMMMMM WHICH ONE DO I WANNA TALK ABOUT?!?!?!
maybe longing for more.
hmmm
there is. one scene in there.
The man sitting before him is the very reason Mk was here in the first place, the very reason he was covered in bandages and why lingering pain remained in his head. Why he was forced into that dark room, why he was in so much pain.
All because the monkey demon before him-who’s acting like nothing even happened by the way-couldnt fucking accept any help.
“Are you done?” Macaque asked annoyed, he had no right to be annoyed. If Mk wants to glare at his bowl then he can. He has every right to be angry.
“I tried to help you” Mk chocked out.
Macaque didnt say a word but Mk caught the slight furrow of his brow’s.
“You almost accepted it too…” Mk put his spoon bac into the bowl
Macaque’s eyes darted around the table.
“What happened” He demanded. Macaque didnt answer. His brows furrowed further as he closed his eyes.
“What happened!!” Xiaotian slammed his hands on the table as he stood up. Now looming over Macaque who would not raise his head.
“I said i would help you, e-even if monkey king refused to. Did you think i was lying or something” Mk accused, his voice beginning to waver.
“Im not a fucking liar, unlike you!!” Mk barked,tears pricking at the side of his eyes. His claws dug into the table leaving small claw marks where he gripped. Macaque still would not raise his head.
“Sit down. And eat Mk” Macaque growled slowly with clenched teeth.
Mk blinked at the tears fell, anger,confusion and fear swirled within him and Macaque couldnt even face the consequences of his actions. It only fueled the nauseous betrayal choking him.
Mk let go off the table with a sigh, his arms shaking as he blinked away tears. Mk sighed once again and reached out for his glass of water. Only to grab it and immediately throw it towards Macaque who dodged it swiftly.
“What the fuck are you after?” Xiaotian growled, his voice cracking and wavering.
“You know she’s just going to kill you right?” Mk wiped away the tears falling down his face but more kept falling “she’s going to destroy everything!”
Macaque finally stood up, meeting eyes with Xiaotian. He tried to read him, to search for some form of an anwer. Macaques eyes were fixated on Mk, tired and large bags rested underneath his eerily still eyes. His jaw clenched and unclenched while his body remained tense. His tail not moving an inch instead limp against his leg.
Mk couldnt make out what any of it could mean, why he would look so ready to accept help only to throw it all away at the smallest sign of danger instead of taking that leap of faith. One that Mk was willing to guide him through. If he had to hold the damn monkeys hand to do so he would have.
lfm MK is too compassionate for his own good. he’ll see that one small spark of goodness inside of someone and try and help them all he can. only stopping when he’s at his breaking point. its. hes too good for his own good and it ends up hurting him. hes pushed away hes ignored but he still holds out that olive branch. a hand out for the other person to take if they’d only accept it.
and macaque is a foil to that.
he wont accept help. hes accepted his fate and if he cant get himself out of something, a situation. then its hopeless. why would someone else help him? its not like they care, no one does. no one is capable to caring for the six eared macaque bc thats just how it is. thats just the cards fate has dealt him. no matter how much he might want a home or a family he wont have it. at leeast thats what he thinks.
cause he maniulated mk yes. he did im not ignoring that at all in lfm. im just using it as fuel to the fire. how can i redeem someone who has caused so much pain. show his side of the story, show his mentallity. it doesnt justify anything but it sheds light on WHY.
mk is….naive, in a sense. that main character that thinks he can help everyone if he just tries hard enough. but thats not real life. you cant help everyone if they dont accept help.
if they dont accept help or let themselves get better then they never will.
and macaque was so close, he saw a glimmer of light at the end of the dark and long tunnel as Mk reached out that hand to help him. but then lbd got involved and resurfaced his self destrctive behaviors.
and then here mk stands, feeling betrayed when he really shouldnt. he saw something small, something unreachable. he just wanted to help
and now hes paying the price for being too kind, for reaching out and trying to help someone to fixed in thier own toxicity that mk isnt the person to get him out. if macaque wants to be better he needs to walk throuhg that door on his own.no one can make him move. no matter how much they yell or scream, macaque is the one who commands his legs to walk.
genuinly think mk and mac bonded during that week or however long mac and mk trained. even as mac first intended to use mk for his powers and take them in the end he ended up liking this stupid bright kid.
but then sswk got involved and he went rigth back to his old spiteful angry and vengeful self. nothing else mattered other then his revenge. besides, this kid is nothing more then swks little student. hes not a friend, hes not macaques friend. in the end. he’ll leave, just like everyone does.
macaque has no hope for himself and thats why he keeps being so self destructive. why he does the things he does. doesnt justify shit, the things he did was still fucked up. but maybe if he just, took one step in the right direction, then two, three. maybe he can be better and make up for all of it.
this entire fic is and story is somewhat similar to arcane. where there are things you cant control. you might try and help but someone else comes up. theres something bigger at play then our own inner demons and flaws. those are only kindling feuling the fire that continues to burn you. its lbd’s schemes and plans of world domination that just keep fucking everyone up further, she’s using these flaws and explioting them. using mac bc he sees himself as hopeless and wont fight against her much, not like the heros. Mk and his compassion, hes too kind to actually do any real damage.
shes explioting it.
little does she know macaque and Mk have a looooong way to go in this fic.
also the dialouge “im not a fucking liar, unlike you!!” *chefs kiss* go off little monkey guy u deserve it.
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Tw: mention of self harm, depression
Im so fucking tired. I want to sleep but my adhd medication wont let me. I have so many friends but im always lonely. I feel like none of them actually like me. My best friends assure me they love me all the time but any time im not talking to someone I immediately get lonely. Im always sad, all the time. I want to cry so much. I want to sob, bawl my eyes out and let all the sadness flow out with the tears. At 2 am I get bored and take out my knife. At this point i cant even tell if its sh or just a pass time. I used to sh by using my punching bag without gloves. Too much, too hard, too frequent. My hands were a bloody mess. But now theyre calloused and used to it, they dont rip like they used to. I miss it so much. The dark brown dried blood splotches covering my red punching bag. I want to make more so bad but I can’t. Im too tired, my skin is too tough, it just doesnt happen. But I can’t cut i cant bc I swim so much in the summer and I wear bikinis and crop tops so how do I hide that? I’ve been doing it very lightly, just a few layers of skin. It hurts, maybe bleeds a tiny bit, but it doesnt last. It will heal and it wont scar, and it doesnt give that stinging that lasts all day, all week even. Having scabbed knuckles is mostly socially acceptable, people never suspect it to be a form of sh. It is. And now every time I touch my legs and they dont sting I feel so invalidated. I want them to hurt more. I wish there was a place on my body that I could cut and no one would see the scar. Or that the cuts would just disappear when they heal. So I can still se them when theyre red, but they dont last forever. I want a razor so I can cut deeper, more easily. But I can’t cut deeper cuz propel will notice. My mom was just yelling at me to get off my phone and do my homework but every time I stop and look at my computer I want to cry. Im trying I really am. Im trying to try. I used to try so hard but I kinda gave up. I never get anything done anyways. My fucking meds aren’t working, they’ve successfully destroyed my sleep schedule and thats it. I get exhausted at 1 pm but im full of energy at 1 am. I havent gotten the chance to listen to music all weekend, I missed it so much. I just wanna be home alone and sing and dance to Mcr and p!atd. I dont even like panic! that much, just a few of their songs. But house of memories and I write sins not tragedies make me so happy, especially singing along. I want to sing along to mcr, I want to meet them and see them all the time and learn to play guitar with frank and learn to produce with Ray and learn to sing with gerard and learn keyboard with mikey(and improve my pokerface) and I want them all to hug me and I want to meet franks dogs and gerard cats and go to all of their concerts and help gerard pick out outfits. If I could see them and talk to them for the rest of my life it would cure me. If I could have a pretty gf who would cuddle me and listen to me and understand me, I would be so happy. If my struggling friends got better I would get better. If everyone would just disappear, everyone ive ever met except my best friends and my idols, I would be so much happier. I wouldnt be constantly worrying about what people think of me, about them ignoring me and not texting me. I wish I could live in the killjoy universe, ride around the desert with the Fab Four, surviving off of what we need, running from the government. And having fun. Real fun. Not watching tv or scrolling tumblr alone. I mean playing cards and riding dirt bikes and climbing and killing bad guys. Coming home tired and beat up and covered in sand, maybe bleeding but full of adrenaline and just happy that we all made it out alive and that would be enough. Where people dont have to worry about consequences. Getting bad grades leading to no college leading to no money. Where people just have to not die and thats enough. Doesnt that sound nice? My eyes are barely staying open right now, barely staying dry. Im so tired of high expectations.
#Tw#sh#depression#vent#Dream world#Mcr#Killjoy verse#Mentally ill#self destruction#attachment issues#fuck life#about to cry
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The morality and effect of pirating RWBY related content.
Recently there has been a lot of discussion on the morality and the effect that the decision to encourage piracy of RWBY and its related content. Not without reason in my opinion, morally the question of piracy is complicated, just like any kind of resistance or wish of change.
I am firmly in the pro-piracy camp as i have indicated before, but i want to make this thread to explain why and why some of the arguments i have seen in opposition to piracy are not well thought out.
Many people have indicated that if we do not support RWBY, there might be no volume 10. And that is correct. As such i have to pose a question. What is more important to you? Your own comfort and watching RWBY no matter what? Or people who work on the show and are exploited while doing so? At least in my opinion the more moral and selfless thing is to refuse a product that one CAN refuse if it is made through exploitative labour.
Others begun to ask however, why RWBY then? There are other exploitative corporations, especially since we live in a capitalist society. Why RT? Why RWBY? Because RWBY and RT is entertainment. While humans do need entertainment and enrichment in our lives, RWBY is not the only source of that. Nor is it necessary to our lives. RWBY is not food, it is not clothing. One can justify the exploitation or harm that is caused by food production/clothing and the like because these are necessary, and because there is no ethical consumption under capitalism. RWBY does not fall under this umbrella.
Why RWBY and RT specifically though? Because they are an example of a rotten company. Sexual abuses, worker exploitation, constant lies about "changing". And because RT is a relatively small company that we CAN affect the actions of. We cannot fix the entire exploitative system of the industry, but we can at least fix this company, or help fix it. We can engage in harm reduction. Even if we cant fix EVERYTHING we can at least NOT contribute to harm.
Some have argued that by pirating we will not enact change, that we need to "encourage" RT to get better. And that is categorically wrong. That is NOT how corporations work. The only language that corporations speak in is MONEY. Nothing else. A good example of this is Activision-Blizzard. Did you know that they almost entirely automated their "ticket" system that is used to report bugs in-game? Almost every player that has used it acknowledges it as an useless system and asks why it isnt changed. The answer is simple. Because they still pay money to the company. Why would Blizzard pay money to fix a problem that is not a "deal-breaker" for people who play the game? The players will complain and then still play. The same applies to RT. If you keep buying RT first they wont need to change. Because if you are willing to pay them money despite all of the revalations, why should they care about fixing anything?
"But what about the crew members?"
"What about them?"
I jest of course, i am not so callous as to ignore the workers of RT. If RWBY or RT fails it does mean that the employees of RT would most likely lose their jobs entirely. However, and im going to say it very simply, that is neither our moral responsibility, nor business.
What this is, is a very disgusting manipulative tactic.
We have to buy a product no matter what or people lose their jobs? Does noone else see how fucked up such logic is? How exploitative it is? It is guilt tripping at its basic.
And may i ask where the line is then if you do agree with such a view? How much abuse do you think is "alright" just so that the workers could keep their jobs. And how exactly will change be achieved if one can be guilt-tripped into stopping it before it goes on.
Corporations make products. We are not responsible for buying them or the consequences of NOT buying them. We have NO obligation to corporations NOR their workers. The corporations have obligations to their workers.
I would advise people to not surrender to such manipulation.
At the end of the day. All of this is your choice and a question that you have to answer to yourself. Do you think supporting RT is worth it? Or do you not think so? Those are the questions you have to answer to yourself individually.
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Girlies im here to update on my tinder adventures. i had my 2nd call with another tinder dude. It lasted two hours 😃
Hes okay! But maybe i am picky dear Allah please so help me but theres just something about him that gives me the ick. Well not ick but like eh... he might not be the one.
heavy smoker: wont smoke in front of me out of courtesy but doesnt believe the science that inhaling toxin can legit kill you all bcause his grandma whos also a heavy smoker died of something else and not cancer. Like he doesnt care about the consequences at all.
2. privileged af and so ignorant about it: hes travelled once for a month last dec and will be traveling again THRICE this yr and he thinks that going for umrah is not a vacation/“travelling” bc its a spiritual journey like do you hear yourself and how in your bubble you are. Anything thats going out of the country for something thats not work AND going for a peace of mind is VACATION. his mom shops for branded stuff and he gets bored waiting around and sitting inside the store. Like some of us wouldnt even dream of stepping in. and i told him honestly, do you know how privileged you sound (entitled actually) and he said what do you mean?? and I'm like most people don't get to experience going out like that. and he was like yeah I'm thankful, grateful. mmm......
3. mansplainer (biggest ICK): he said hed bring me outdoors and i told him i cant and i dont like it and he said that he will force me but will bring an umbrella. Then i told him i have eczema and he gaslit me saying IT CANT BE THAT BAD. HIS EX HAD IT WORSE IT WAS SEVERE And i was so pissed. And so i said. Well. I had been admitted three fucking times for it and was on 4 different medications for it and going to biweekly appointments and blood tests and so i said im SURE. CERTAIN that i have it MUCH WORSE than your ex. he did not spare me a breath and came up with his own conclusion. also he says that eczema HAS A CURE. HES CERTAIN OF IT. bc he's saw it in his ex. and I'm like ............................ i had it since i was a baby. the fuck you mean there's a cure. there are treatments for it okay but not cure. i hate when people who don't have eczema say nonsense like that.
Which brings me to point no. 3: religious. Nothing nothing NOTHING wrong with someone who’s religious, i am a practicing muslim. I pray 5 times a day and i value my relationship with god too. But what i dont like is how he pushes his personal religious values or agenda onto me like i dont know shit. Your relationship with god, and my relationship with god is no ones business, its your own so dont try to police how i do it with god. Like i told him i “had” to quickly pray before calling him. And he stopped me saying i shouldnt say “had to” bc that would mean being forced/its an obligation so i have to change that bc “context is everything”. Like its something to fix. i really HAD to make it quick or else i wouldnt know what time i'd be praying.
4. With that being said, he is also homo/phobic..................... well yes and no? i don't know. he said he doesn't want to talk about it bc its controversial and he is against t/rans ppl and its changing the essence of what god has created for you. i just don't like that argument because . if there's one thing you cant change about me, it's my morals.
5. hes so into himself that he was basically pitching himself like a project. but ok, its my fault, i asked. but was there any reciprocation? did he ask me back about me? not really. i found myself having to jump in and add in what i had to say. he would say things like, I've been through a lot, you have no idea. and I'm like don't we all??? you arent the only one whos experienced the lows of life. you arent the only one who had a hard time.
6. his approaching his 30s and he treats me like I'm a kid bc I'm 26? "oh huwaina you still so young. when the pandemic hit, it was like 3 fucking years of my youth taken away from me now I'm almost 30" and i jumped in and said like "yeah me too" and he was like "no, I've already reached 30, there's no more 20s for me but you do. you still have time to experience things and enjoy life. i was 21, 22, 23 when covid happened i felt like i didn't experience the life i was supposed to at my early 20s. also does life end at 30 ladies and gents? he keeps telling me how gen z i am, and I'm like okay????????????
7. HES NOT GOOD LOOKING IM SORRY I SWIPED BC HE SEEMED LIKE HE HAD PERSONALITY 🧎♀️🧎♀️🧎♀️
#its not that hes fcked other girls that was the problem for me obviously everyone has done that#but its his upbringing thats the biggest issue for me#personal but not so personal#i dont know!!! i dont know
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panic
now I'm the one who's worried, having talked to my team.... a part of me doesn't think we can pull it off... its almost like I don't trust them. My goodness what kind of leader am I??? I'm out here fantasizing the perfect backend and frontend, but I don't think I've got the team to deliver... its almost like I've got people who want to fill a quota! please know that I'm just venting and I'm very stressed and that this is based on past performance but I'm literally frightened.
I've honestly... I've never... been so scared in my life, I want to put in my all but... but... I've never trained an Artificial Intelligence before, I've never had to implement one! Yes I did an AI course but I was doing the module to finish it and never really had the time to understand what I was really doing properly. I feel like a fraud right now, I should have never been given the ranks
I'm already feeling like a I'm here to disappoint ... dude, I'm actually starting to tear up... I wanted to do this for Esther, I wanted to do this for my family... but I'm literally giving up... I've lost faith
I really don't like this... I just wish, its so frustrating... it doesn't feel like I've any support... I cant see any support, like why me???? I used to stay home all day and play games, watch movies and just lay around... but those kiddie days are over and now I'm in this position.
Why did I ever accept the job in cybersecurity? why do I even talk to people? Why did I want to come to university? I hate this, I honestly don't want this... a whole year??????? Thats the consequence of failure and possibly even more, I probably wont' be able to afford an extra year and will be in debt because Im' so dumb and stupid because I can't figure out how to train an AI and how to lead a team.
My mind is just a mess, nothing feels right anymore, it feels like I'm going to screw up so bad... crap man holy crap...
I'm trying so hard not to relapse, I've been 60 days clean, that's the longest and yet I'm tempted to break it so I can forget about this... I am even treating one of my friends like a potential release from this internal struggle
I used to talk to a therapist but I stopped because I can't deal with my emotions... they always blow up and confuse me, I struggle to talk about my feelings, I just don't have someone I can confide to anymore... my life is now a joke... well its the consequences of my own actions afterall...
I could just scream right now, my lungs are... no until they burst... lknfadslkndfsalknlfsa lsdlllllllllllllll
I'm just so sad and don't understand! I'm only 21 years old, and already I feel like this...
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i don't get it. im in a position where i can make so much progress. ive had interviews damn near every day this week. I go to therapy now. i dont do pills. i eat. i try to talk out what im feeling more. but its just not enough. theres STILL something there and im edging closer to it. i can feel it. im on the brink of something horrible. i dont know what's going to happen once i reach that point. im scared of what'll happen. but it feels like once it comes i wont be able to hold back. i genuinely dont know how i did this before
being so busy.. i think it was a buffer. i never felt involved in my feelings really. id just ignore them and hide them away. in one hand, im glad i am where i am. the highs i feel feel so different from back then. ive never felt satisfaction like i do now. some times anyway. but the lows STING. i can really simmer on them now. it gives the gnawing insecurities Ive been feeling a meaning. a place in me that i have to accept. i have to actively accommodate for it all now. or ill implode
every day feels like a gamble. i cant express how little i want to do/be here. i dont care about any of this fr. i care about hurting people. its paralyzing. Ive always been such a people pleaser and i cant let it go. I will minimize everything until i absolutely cant anymore. and atp i feel so backed into a corner. my only two options seem to be either blow up and forced somewhere until i can find the drive to do something other than killing myself... ooor... kill myself. i swear that wasnt on purpose lmfao. but seriously. i mean what are the other options? i can barely push myself to do anything anymore. i dont care to. id isolate from everyone if they didnt reach out so often. well that and they notice now. ive ghosted everyone too many times they all know to just act sad so ill come back T^T
i get really tempted to tell my best friend about all this. i feel like i talk too much about myself nowadays. or talk too little or too boringly on others. but then i reread ts i used to say back/how i used to say it and i think ? i prefer us now ??
HA nah. im sure its the insecurity talking. i really do love her. she is the one and only i know will stick around no matter what. no matter how boring or how angry i get she does not hate my guts. i wish i didnt like her so much tbh. it makes me angry how angry i get with her sometimes. i cant help myself when i notice something off. shes the one person i can openly express my frustrations without consequence. but i take it too far cause of it. ive had no experience with that sorta shit. i try to be better to her cause of it. i think its only fair. the junk ive put her through this last year.. the rage ive thrown at her. thee inattentiveness. selfish. ive been too focused on making myself feel better that ive let her sting because of it. i want to make it up tenfold. she deserves more. and if i cant have her in the way i want her, i will do my best in whatever place she wants me in instead. for now, thats been a more casual friendship. she doesnt talk to me as much about her feelings. her heart is really broken about her ex. as much as i dont understand what she sees in her i know that she needs her time to bounce back. i think shes getting it out of her new person. she talks about how annoying she finds her and how she disrespects her boundaries a lot. they broke up almost immediately. but she stuck around because she felt obligated to and now i think theyre building something better. hopefully. i dont meddle as much now. i dont want to hear it + prying shit from her is NOT worth the effort. when shes ready, shes so eloquent. i love listening to her talk. even when its about nothing
im gonna stop babbling about her now. i wish i wasnt so close with her i swear i make myself disgustingly obvious.. anyway. i bring up all that to say, her battery is dead. i want her to focus on making herself feel better for now. she needs to stop overextending herself so damn much. i wont let myself be another burden for her to bear. though with such a giant rush of new feelings and a single person that i know loves me no matter what.. its kinda hard
i wish that i could talk through everything with her. if only it were that easy.
i think im going to relapse not gonna lie. it makes no sense not to. ig for my health but aside from that? itll help me feel more careless. i wont need to cut myself, i wont need to blow up, i wont need to think anymore. i can just focus on acting sober annnd holding down a job. much easier than holding back whatever this is now. if this could come out of me without leaving a broken mess, i would. but if i ever told anyone my true feelings id make them sad. i need to lash out to gain the momentum to bring it up.
im gonna stop writing now. i feel like ill go on forever again.. its just been tangent after tangent
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Hello everyone! I am Hazelyn Baggay, 17 years old born and raised in Pinukpuk, Kalinga. I came from the bountiful harvest of the north, province of Kalinga. I am a jolly person and friendly person. But I am also quiet especially around strangers and people that Im not close with. I honestly, is not a talented student, dancing, drawing, singing Id say I am alien to all but one thing is I know for sure about myself and it is to learn and willing to work hard just to have those talents. I am small in height but big in size. Yes, I am fat but it is not a problem for me because I know that I have the power to change my physical features. I can change myself but unfortunately, I am lazy with exercising and I really eat a lot. I believe my strength is my attitude, and I like to take up challenges and think to accept both success and failure in balance way to move forward. I want to say I dont leave any questions altogether as I believe in myself and my work. On the other hand I also have my weaknesses which includes being away from my family. Honestly I easily feels homesick whenever I am away from my siblings and parents.
My short-term goal is to finish all my academic activities given to me and just live life happily and stress free. As for my long term goal, is to be a medical technologist and a successful business woman in the future. Therefore, I always challenge myself to improve and steady growth. I always want to move out of my comfort zone because I know that it is where I can find my strengths that I have never encountered before. I love to watch how I progress and move through my journey.
My moral is never to intend to harm anyone on purpose. I believe there is nothing more painful than the feeling of being hurt. I know how it feels because I often feel it whenever someone shouts or scolds me. My dad has anger issues so, he often cant controls his emotions consequently, he tells words that are sometimes offensive which hurts me all the time. As I have experienced it I dont want anyone to feel as how I always feel so it became my moral.
Furthermore, my motto in life is “YOU CANT LET YOUR FAILURES DEFINE YOU, LET YOUR FAILURES TEACH YOU”. This is how I manage my mistakes and failures in life. Whenever I make mistakes or things that I regret I dont think about it hardly, instead I take it as a life lesson so that in next time or the future I will be able to use as a basis on how I should act or work. Because I believe that if you are just stuck with your failures you wont make any progress in life, as a famous Filipino adage says “All people makes mistakes”. It conveys a message that it is normal for a person to make mistakes, and with those mistakes it is normal to regret things or to blame yourself but always think that you need to move, stop caging yourself into something that will not make you someone better? Right? Forget the mistakes and move on but dont forget to not repeat your mistakes again.
I will run this online blog geared towards the explanation and showcase of my experiences inside the SPUP. It will be platform where I will share my life as Paulinian. It is a stepping stone for me to emphasize what are the things and decisions inside a senior high school student’s mind and point of view.
Where do i see myself 10 years from now? Was my learning in SPUP vital to where I'm leading to?
-We are all studying in order to fulfill our dreams and as for me 10 years from now i can see myself as a registered medical technologist. I believe that i can reach it although it wouldn't be easy i willl take the challenge and work hard to reach my goals. My journey will be hard and, now as i start a new chapter of my life i can feel how heavy and lonely is the path to success. But as long as i have God and my family with me it will not be a lonely and sad journey. Instead of complaining how bigare the problems, i will look at the beautiful saide of it and will not think about it hardly in order for me to attain the dream job that i have always wanted. Furthermore as i juggle to reach my dreams my school will be my foundation for it gives the learning s and kniwledges that i will be needing in my future life. Yes, my learnings in SPUP will play a vital role on the place that i am leading to. Although it wasn't that long since i started to enter SPUP i observed that it doesn't just nurture students to academically competent but also to be culturaly responsible human being. Even for a little bit of time on SPUP i learned a lot especially on my etiuqettes and proper attidtudes which will be very big help on my future life. So in conclusion, i know surely that my school will give me a lot of learnings that will make me into what i have always wanted to be.
Was STEM the best choice after all?
-Yes, STEM is still the best choice for me. Although it is hard , i know that it is the best strand to help me get ready on my future course. The term STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math)focuses in invoking 21st century skills such as critical thinking, creativity, cultural awareness, collaboration and problem-solving which i think will be a great introduction on my future coarse. With all its impresive and advance learnings on technologies, sciences and mathematics it will be a great start for me on my journey on beconing as medical technologist. STEM empowers critical thinking skills which include conceptualizing, applying, analyzing, and evaluating information through observation, experience, reflection, reasoning or communication. As such, students will be encouraged to answer questions or solve problems not based on memorization but based on actively engaging with the material to understand the issue at hand and solve it using logic. These kinds of situations better reflect what is expected in my workplace – experiencing situations like this early in my education will better prepare them for my future.
What course will you take in college and why?
- I will be taking medical technology as my course in college. I am taking it because i love it, i love seeing things and substances tha are not visible in the naked eye. It is super interesting to encounter small living organisms and learn about how they are formed or how they can be differentiated. Also, this course is what my mom had always wanted to be if they were finacially stable before. But as my mom can afford to send me in a university that can offer thus course shr wants me to persie it and fulfill her dreams. My mom didn't forced me honestly, this course is what i also wanted even on my elementary days. Lastly, i chose the course because i want to help people with illnesses and help to mitigate or kill the deseases inside their bodies. Also to help on stoping dangerous deseases on spreading and killing the mankind. And as a normal human being i chose it because the monty payment on this job is good and i think it will be able to support me and my parents in the future.
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different anon here but I just want to say I genuinely appreciate how unapologetic and confident you are about ur body hair especially as someone who is attracted to women with body hair and as someone who prefers to not shave but feels pressured to due to societal norms and what not idk I guess I'm just wondering how you like got over/ stopped caring about what other people think cause that's what's difficult for me :/
Thats literally everything i want to hear. i love doing this cuz not only is the insane excess body hairy a huge automatic dyke magnet that i dont even have to put any work into, but also because for every 10 people who look at me with revulsion theres always 1 person who thinks … maybe i can also have the confidence to do that. Thats my revolution. okay this ones gonna be long so hit that read more
So. when i was a novice non-shaver going out in public with even just a sliver of hairy leg showing literally gripped me in fear, like panic stricken burning fear. It was insane and pathetic and ridiculous how disabling this terror was over such a stupid arbitrary thing. I used 2 have repetitive nightmares about it, just the sickest dread terror imaginable. LMFAO.
If ur gonna ask how to get over that fear the straight answer is u cant, not fully. This is the product of some serious conditioning and socialization that has been at work since u were born. like it doesnt just go away. Even i havent gotten over it, like sometimes i seriously struggle with it. U can definitely get used to it though. I prefer to not shave and feel that everyday terror over shaving. And ill tell u why, so u can approach it with the same reasoning.
first of all i hated the physical act of shaving, really fckin hated waxing, every hair removal method is either painful, time consuming or expensive. And its worthless anyways because ur stubble is back in by the next morning. Who benefits?? and what are the consequences? I am making my body unnatural, conformist, and alien to me through a tedious and painful process. why do i harm myself in this way? Why put my psyche thru this? why is my body wrong in its natural state? what happens if i DONT shave?
and this is the crux of the matter: NOTHING HAPPENS. Other than the fact that it creates this fear, there is NO consequence to not shaving. In general no one will care and no one will treat you any different. Nothing will change in your daily life. you may likely get stares or rude comments from strangers on occasion but at the end of the day those things dont really matter. They seriously dont matter at all. Let go of the need to be judged correctly by all strangers. These people are fleeting milliseconds of your life. Remember this every time u go out.
and u must go out ... in this case exposure therapy really does work. Theres literally nothing else 2 do but go out unshaved. Just force urself over and over. Just do it. Do it until u dont even realize anymore. The day will come! U wont even notice it until ur looking at the women around u in public and u find it strange to see them hairless. On this day u will revel in ur shavelessness. Thank god u dont look like the prepubescent pedophilic fantasy that the mans world wants u to look like. U will view it with revulsion and horror, the idea of making urself into a little hairless girl to emulate their sick pornography and obsession with fucking literal minors. Never again!!!! This is where the revolution starts!!!
and i will tell u now. Once u finally grow out ur leg hair and theres no stubble or itchiness left it is going to feel so nice. Stroke it nd shit, for real. This is important. Look at it with luv. If you cant do that, look at it with neutrality. GET USED 2 ITS PRESENCE ... this is ur one and only body.
Now, if u can, find urself a group of women or lesbians who also dont shave. Look for urself in them and feel comforted by the fact that u wont b judged here. Get ur mind used to the NORMALCY of body hair. If ur lucky u might have other lesbian or even just alternative friends who find your body hair sexy or are jealous of ur confidence in growing it out. HUGE EGO BOOST! Take it when u can find it. This one helped me a lot because i am a natural attention whore and narcissist.
And besides if ur anything like me in that u fucking hate males with a militant blood boiling violent rage, then u might also remind urself: the struggle you face over your body hair is ABSENT in all the men that you see around you. Absent. Never there and never will be. what gives them the right and not me? They live their lives so mindlessly free of any of this. Dont shave your legs cuz … fuck em, thats why!!! 🗣 Show those sick mfers. Dyke revolution by just walking down the street and being comfortable in ur own skin. Love the strange looks that u get in public. Fuck them!!!
So thats how i mostly stopped caring about being unshaven, kind of a mix of acknowledging how stupid it is to do so as well as a bit of exposure therapy, community, and good old dyke hatred and cynicism. Remember that every time you go out you are showing other women that this is a possibility for them too. I hope this little guide gave u some inspiration for the future. I appreciate how hard it is to stop shaving but honestly once u do stop its even harder to start doing it again. Good luck and i wish u all the strength, drive, confidence and attitude u r going 2 need. And if u ever want to talk more about it im always right here at ileaveclawmarks on tumblr.com ... 🤍🤍🤍
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why do (mainly white) abled nts think doctors are just like physically incapable of breaking the law ..
#edit: dont rb this one mayhaps :|#kio.exe#like u tell them anything abt the effects ur repeated medical traumas have on ur current ability to seek help and they always try to counter#that by being like ''well they cant do that thats against the law''#like the law is not a force field stopping doctors girl what level of privilege are you on to think thats a valid enough argument for all#issues irt the healthcare system to disappear like all the law means is that in a just system they could be held accountable if you can#somehow both prove it and go thru 80000 different procedures and hey crazy right but we dont live in a just system so 99% of the#time you will be the one experiencing life threatening consequences if you even speak up about it and even if you have all the proof and go#through every procedure of the legal system they probably still wont be facing any consequences let alone any meaningful ones#and as an additional bonus kick to the teeth going through legal procedures with any chance of winning is uh. incredibly expensive. now#take a wild guess as to something most marginalised groups do not have .. thats right . the money and resources for that#like genuinely i am so fucking tired of that take like are you just wearing those horse blinders or smth :|#the same w literally any other person who is in some position to have authority over your life like law enforcement - educators - caretakers#etc like just because it is against the law does not mean it does not and will not happen and im particularly tired of u all using that to#dismiss real fucking valid responses to how the system treats marginalised groups like yes it is against the law for them to do that. but#the law is not on our side it is on theirs and they damn well know that and that is part of why this is a systemic issue based in being#marginalised rather than one or two bad experiences and a pessimistic way of looking at things#like genuinely are you not aware of the privilege you have to be able to genuinely think that way#especially when you are a healthcare provider yourself like a social worker or a guidance counsellor or a therapist etc you need to#fucking know better you need to understand that this is a real issue we face daily not a ''negative mindset'' to overcome#or an unwillingness to cooperate and or get help#no i'm not american this is not an issue that only exists in america it is in fact a pretty fucking global issue since the system extends#beyond just america . since you all really love to forget that too and use it to then dismiss other marginalised people across the world as#though this is some sort of dick measuring contest as to who is the most oppressed :|
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“Oohhh!!! That soulmate au where any writing on their arms shows up on the others arm!!! And they end up complaining about each other to each other until one of them finally realizes” [prompt via @mothman-files]
word count: 1056 | warnings: none ! | overall: fwhip/jimmy, soulmate au :D
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Hello?
woah?? hello???
Hi.
Im your soulmate.
what??? no way
Yes way.
this is so weird, what?
Were you not expecting this? Eventually I mean
no?
how’s this even work?
When I write on my arm it shows up on yours. And vice versa
oh??
I take it soulmates aren’t a big thing in your culture.
i guess not
Thats fine. Its mainly a human thing.
and yet here i am
and yet here you are
-
how have you been?
-
Sorry. I felt you write something but I didnt see it. Ive been really busy.
it’s alright.
i just asked how you are :)
Aw.
Ive been fine. You?
same here.
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I know its been a while again. Im sorry. Lots of family stuff.
I probably wont be back for a while. Have a good day though
all good. i hope everything turns out alright.
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2.5 per star
3 stars
7.5 hearts per rocket
2 rockets bare
what murder am i witnessing?
Oh
Im sorry I forgot you could see this
you’re fine, you’re fine
been like… a couple years, i get it.
you’re definitely plotting murder though, whats up with that?
Ugh. Just this guy.
Hes annoying as hell.
so you’re killing him?
yeah.
okay. fair
whatd he do to you anyways?
Not much today.
He doesnt really do much, hes just irritating and its funny when hes mad.
i think i’m about to learn my soulmate’s a massive prick.
Me? No, never.
Yeah, a little bit.
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i might be ready to plot a murder myself
Oh? Do tell
this smug twit. he took something of mine and cgod i hate this guy.
Whatd he take?
idk if i can tell you that.
something really important to me.
Secrets, secrets.
Whyd he take it?
hell if i know.
to be a twit.
He sounds like an ass.
he is.
Best of luck. Kill him slowly and terribly for me.
i will.
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i think i just made a really big mistake.
i’m sorry. i know its late
Its fine. Me too actually.
what’d you do?
Dont think I can say.
me neither.
if you do something, and you know the consequences, but you’re just so angry that you don’t really realize the severity
does that make you a bad person?
I dont think so.
why not?
I guess its all about intent in the end, right?
You didnt really mean to do what you did.
But maybe thats just wishful thinking cause I sort of did the same thing.
huh.
Not quite, I mean. I wasnt really angry. I just didnt expect everything to happen like it did. I probably shouldve.
i get it
Or maybe were both just assholes.
maybe. we’re destined for each other for a reason.
Right.
I need to go to bed. If I can.
alright. rest well.
<3
I’ll try. You too.
<3
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by the way, did i tell you i got my thing back?
the thing he stole from me.
Oh good :) Congrats
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what's your name anyways?
Oh I definitely cant tell you that
aw, come on
No seriously. Youll know exactly who I am.
what are you, a celebrity?
Something like that
How about you, what’s your name?
well now im worried about saying mine.
What are you, a celebrity?
i mean sort of??
its a really generic name but i feel like it + the things i’ve told you would clue you off
especially if you know my empi
ignore that
Wait
No chance
ignore that ignore that
Youre an emperor?
Who are you?
dammit
Wait
Oh for fucks sake.
what?
-
hello?
-
look, i’m sorry if that freaked you out or something but
Its not that, christ.
I mean it kind of is, I guess
Ugh.
Hi Jimmy
there it is
hi.
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you’re not a citizen are you
no one out of the codlands calls me jimmy
and we don’t do the whole soulmate thing here.
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so after much deliberation, i think i’ve figured you out
Go ahead.
sausage.
Oh my fucking god.
what’s that mean?
Howd you get that. Please do tell.
is that a no?
well because we stopped talking due to your family issues right
and around that time was when the whole grimlands heir thing happened
and you’re too mean to be gem, and sausage is the twins like stepbrother or something
Godbrother
And Gems pretty mean.
either way
it was either sausage or fwhip.
and you wrote to me after the end fight saying you made a mistake and sausage helped free the demon
+you wouldn’t tell me your name because i’d know
fWhip also has a pretty unique name
and he led you to the dragon in the first place.
i mean sure
but that would mean fwhip is my soulmate
Is that really that much more unbelievable than it being sausage?
eh. sausage isnt really all that bad.
but not him, got it.
well there goes my one lead.
What do you mean?
the family issues thing. i can’t remember anything else around that time.
What about fWhip?
Again. That’d mean he’s my soulmate.
Jimmy.
what?
Youre ridiculous.
what??
come on, what do you mean?
Im going to fly to the Codlands and Im going to kill you
what’d i do???
wait really?????
-
you could’ve just told me.
You couldve just guessed better.
And I reiterate, you are dense as brick.
“What about fWhip” “How do you know it isnt fWhip” etc etc
Seriously I thought I was being too obvious.
well clearly you weren’t
it's not my fault. why would you be my soulmate i hate you
You didnt seem very hateful when you k
okay okay okay i get it
that aside
that aside you're just not what i expected
Uh huh
You literally called me a prick when I was talking about blowing you up, I think that
you were talking about me???
fits my bill pretty well
Yes??
God you are hopeless.
<3
aw. that heart feels passive aggressive.
Maybe it is.
whatever
we need to talk about this tomorrow
Oh are we going to be doing as much talking as we did today
Thats “talking”, with quotation marks, by the way. In case you couldnt tell.
shut up
cod i hate you
Do I need to remind you of my previous comment?
shove off
<3
<3
#empires smp#fwhimmy#fish husbands#empiresshipping#empires fwhip#empires jimmy#empiresblr#tumblr exclusives
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