#and then my dad asked me if june is when the faggots come out and then he screamed at me for trying to come out as bi | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ft-dads-au · 4 years

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I’m Gonna Stand By You

I Take Pride In What I Am 2020 Prompt: Brave Pairing(s): Silver & Gray, Rogue & Gray, Silver x Mika

A Collaboration by @mdelpin and @oryu404 AO3 | FF.Net

Summary: Gray didn't plan on coming out at his grandfather's 59th birthday dinner, but he couldn't take even one more of his grandfather's hateful opinions. Worried at how his family will react he hides away only to learn that he is not alone.

Gray age 15, Rogue age 12

June 1, 2006

The atmosphere had always been different whenever Gray’s grandparents were around. Tense and uncomfortable, and Gray knew that it had everything to do with his grandfather. It was a shame, really. His grandmother was actually quite nice, but he hadn’t looked forward to seeing her in a long time, and it was safe to say that he wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

Argent Fullbuster was an intimidating man. He was strict and harsh in his opinions, which he never kept to himself. On the contrary, he’d belt them out to anyone who would and wouldn’t listen, never being subtle when he voiced his criticism.

And he criticized a lot.

Few things seemed to be up to his standards. Even when he’d give his praise, he’d always find a flaw, and he never hesitated to point it out.

He’d commented on one of Gray’s passes when he’d come to watch one of his hockey games, even though they’d played an amazing game and won. He’d told Rogue he could’ve gotten a higher grade for his essay if he’d tried harder, even though he’d scored the highest grade in his class. Their parents were never spared either.

No one ever spoke too much about it, but now that Gray was a little older, he was more aware of how his parents’ behavior would change, starting well before a visit.

His mother would fret about cleaning the house, what to prepare for dinner, or making sure Gray and Rogue looked presentable. His father would become distant or get moody, burning through his cigarettes in no time.

Gildarts made sure not to be around, and Gray guessed that was a good thing. He couldn’t imagine the man keeping his mouth shut the way his parents did when Argent would go off about whatever displeased him. Cana had downright said she didn’t like him and would stay with her own grandparents whenever she got the chance.

Gray could see the extra effort his mother would always put in to please Argent, but it never seemed to make any difference. He and Rogue would too, they’d speak more politely and mind their manners. But Gray was getting sick of conforming to his grandfather’s impossible standards.

He was 15 years old. He didn’t want to be told what to do, what to say, or how to act anymore. And he certainly didn’t want to waste his energy on someone who would never accept him as he was anyway.

Gray had suspected that he wasn’t straight for a while now. He received plenty of attention from girls, something he didn’t always enjoy but certainly wouldn’t complain about either. Still, he couldn’t deny he was attracted to guys too. It took him some time to figure it out. At first, he’d mistaken it for admiration or maybe even jealousy, until he realized that he didn’t want to be that guy.

He wanted to be with that guy.

Grandpa Fullbuster, of course, had a very outspoken opinion about faggots, as he called them.

He’d use the slur whenever he saw fit. Watching a sports game and the ref made a call he didn’t agree with? Faggot. Someone cut him off on the road? Faggot. A man acting or presenting in any way that didn’t match his definition of manly? Definitely a Faggot.

Gray had so hoped that the subject wouldn’t come up today when his parents had invited his grandparents for dinner to celebrate Argent’s 59th birthday. He was already having trouble dealing with the usual scrutiny his grandfather was delivering, struggling to keep his expression neutral and his mouth shut. But then, right after dinner, when they were sitting in front of the tv, there was an item about the annual pride event on the news.

“Pah! What’s there to celebrate? All these faggots do is make themselves look like fools!” Argent boomed. He took a sip of his scotch, then raised his glass at the tv as if he was addressing the people on the screen directly, “You’re all going to hell, you can be proud of that!”

The awkwardness that followed was smothering, and Gray looked at his family members curiously to see their responses. His grandmother fiddled with the purse on her lap. His mom was putting the dishes in the dishwasher, not giving the matter any attention whatsoever. Rogue was reading a book, only glancing away from the pages for a second before ignoring the situation again. His dad was just staring at the tv with a blank expression like he’d do so many times when Argent went off about something.

No one said or did anything. And although it was nothing new, today it was the last straw for Gray. He got off the couch abruptly and stormed out of the room before he could say something stupid.

“Where are you going?” Rogue asked, following his movements.

“To hell, I guess.”

Like that.

Gray could hear a plate shattering on the floor and a commotion rising, but he didn’t stop to listen. He slammed the door of his bedroom shut and flopped down on his bed, putting in a pair of earphones and raising the volume of his mp3 player as high as it could go in a bid to drown out the sound of his grandfather’s yelling.

Whatever he had to say, Gray didn’t want to hear it anymore.

When his dad came into the room a few songs later, he was still laying in pretty much the same position, music blasting into his ear as he tried to calm his angry thoughts. Gray paused the song, ready to face a scolding for disrupting the peace, or a demand for an apology which he was unwilling to give.

Gray certainly didn’t expect his dad to sit down next to him on the bed and burst out laughing. That’s it, he thought, all the research he was continually doing for his work must have gone to his old man’s head. Either that, or he was going senile at a very young age.

“What’s so funny?” Gray huffed.

“I just can’t believe that out of the very few people I have ever seen brave enough to defy my father like that, one of them is my teenage son!” his dad chuckled, wiping a tear from his eyes. “Man, I haven’t seen him that pissed since the time I told him I was dating a guy…”

“What?” Gray’s eyes widened in surprise, and he sat up, “What do you mean?”

His dad regained his composure and turned more serious, but the smile never faltered. “I’m sorry, kid. If I’d realized, I would have told you this sooner,” he apologized, “Maybe then you would’ve had someone to talk to and known you’re not alone.”

“I’m bisexual,” Silver admitted, and suddenly his behavior around Argent made even more sense to Gray than it already had.

“Wow, that sucks,” Gray blurted out, still stunned by his father’s revelation. “Not the bisexual part, I’m pretty sure I am too, but…you’ve had to deal with that asshole’s bullshit for all those years?”

“Yep,” Silver laughed, but Gray wasn’t fooled. He could sense something painful his dad was trying hard not to let show, and Gray hated to think about what it would’ve been like for him, growing up with a father like Argent.

“It does suck, but I’m used to it. At this point, I just try to ignore it. You know how he is, he won’t change his mind, and nothing we do is ever good enough for him anyway.”

“Right,” Gray rolled his eyes,” Is he gone already?”

“Yeah, he tried to yell at me for my less than adequate parenting skills, but I told him I had something more important to do.”

“But wouldn’t that mean that his parenting skills were also inadequate?” Gray pointed out.

”Good luck getting him to admit to anything like that,” Silver shrugged in resignation, “Anyway, your grandmother was able to convince him to take her home before he lost it.”

Gray had to admit he was surprised to hear his father had stood up for him against his grandfather, he’d never expected it given how his father seemed to be off in his own world whenever Argent was around.

“He was furious, though, won’t that make trouble for you guys?”

“Let me and your mother worry about that,” Silver said reassuringly as he pulled Gray into a tight hug. “Honestly, at this point in my life, I could care less about his opinion.”

“You’re my son, and I’m proud of you for being brave enough to stand up for what you believe in.” He kissed the top of Gray’s head, patting his shoulder before letting go.” I know it’s not easy to do.”

Gray still couldn’t get over how everything had gone down. Just a few weeks ago, he’d been trying to figure out whether to tell his parents at all, not sure how they would react to his news. He’d never expected it to go this smoothly, and he certainly never expected to learn his father was the same.

“When did you know you were, you know?” Gray wasn’t sure if he was overstepping boundaries, but he’d never met anyone else who felt the same way he did, and he had so many questions.

“Bisexual,” Silver enunciated as Gray gawked at him with wide eyes, “It’s okay to say it, it’s not a dirty word, and it’s not something I ever want you to feel bad about, okay? I was never able to be proud of who I was when I was growing up, I always felt like I had to hide it. The last thing I want is for you to experience that.”

He scratched his head, “As for your question, I think I always knew, I just wasn’t really at liberty to say or do much about it. Things are a little better now,” he smiled in encouragement.

“What about you?”

Gray gave a half shrug, suddenly feeling shy after all his earlier bravado.

“It’s okay,” Silver ruffled his hair, “I know you’re not much of a talker, you don’t have to share anything if you don’t want to. There are some things I won’t be able to share with you either.”

“What’s it like to date a guy?” Gray asked eagerly.

His father peered at him, the corner of his eyes crinkling, before giving him his answer, “Well, the first time can be kind of nerve-wracking, like most firsts usually are, but ultimately it all depends on how you feel about each other. If you find someone you really love, the rest just becomes less relevant. It’s the same for dating women.”

For a moment it seemed like his father had once gone again off to whatever world he escaped to whenever his grandfather was around, but just when Gray was about to say something, his father turned to him with a teasing grin.

“So what about you? Have you dated anyone? I remember what it was like to be on a sports team, I doubt things have changed that much.”

“Not exactly,” Gray muttered, not really wanting to get into the few hookups he’d had when he was trying to figure stuff out.

“Is Mom not coming in?” he looked to the door, wanting to change the subject but also finding her absence decidedly strange.

When Gray glanced back at his father he thought he caught the barest traces of sadness on his face, but it was quickly replaced by a blank expression, making him wonder if he’d just been imagining it.

“I wouldn’t read too much into it. Your brother got a little spooked with the yelling,” Silver explained, “She’s making sure he’s okay.”

Gray nodded his understanding, but remembering the clatter of the plate breaking as he stormed out of the room, he couldn’t help but worry that maybe there might be more to it than that.

“Hey,” Silver was quick to reassure him, “unlike my father, your mother will always love you no matter what. Remember that.”

“Okay.”

“I know you probably have a lot more questions, but there are some things I want to talk about first.”

Gray slipped him a curious glance, unsure of what his father wanted to talk about, but he settled down to listen.

“I want you to be careful. Things have gotten better over time, people are more accepting, but unfortunately, there are still plenty of them who aren’t. Don’t engage them, you never know what they’re capable of.”

“And speaking of being careful, that applies to sex as well. Always use protection, whether you’re with a man or a woman, because-”

“Yes, dad, I get it!” Gray interrupted. He’d had the talk with his dad already and had no intention of repeating the experience.

“Alright, alright,” he glanced at Gray with a mischievous grin, “Wanna really piss off your grandfather?”

“What did you have in mind?” Gray couldn’t help but smile at seeing the excitement on his father’s face.

“Well, the Pride parade in Crocus is on Saturday, wanna go?” Silver twisted his wedding ring as he waited for an answer. “I always wanted to go to one.”

“Sure,” Gray replied, feeling closer to his dad than he had in a long time and wanting to experience his first parade with him, “I’d love to go.”

“Maybe we can all go!” Silver exclaimed eagerly, “Come on, let’s go find your mom.” He hurried out of the room, and Gray chased after him, caught up in his excitement.

When they reached the living room, they were greeted by the sight of Mika talking to Rogue quietly. There was something about it that made Gray feel uneasy, but his dad didn’t seem to notice.

“We’re all going to attend the pride parade in Crocus this Saturday,” Silver announced with a smile.

“Crocus? That’s quite a ways away,” Mika reasoned, “Don’t you think we should discuss it first?”

“What’s there to discuss?” Silver asked, stiffening at the apparent lack of enthusiasm coming from his wife.

“Silver, I get that this is exciting for you, but this is about Gray, not you.”

“And just what the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“I’m not having this discussion here,” Mika countered, her lips pressed into a thin line.

“Fine!”

Silver yanked the sliding door that led out to their deck open, storming outside. Mika turned to look at Gray and Rogue, flashing them a half-smile, “Everything’s gonna be just fine.”

She followed her husband outside, gently closing the door behind her.

Gray’s eyes were fixed on his parents, and although he couldn’t hear their words, his father was obviously upset. He watched as his mother tried to put a hand on his father’s shoulder only to have him shrug it away and step back. He didn’t really understand what the fight was about, but it seemed much too hostile to just be about whether they were going to attend an event or not. And he couldn’t help but feel that it was his fault that they were fighting.

“Do you want to play a video game?” Rogue asked, getting up and turning away from the sliding door, drawing him away from the guilt that was gnawing away at him.

“Yeah, sure, it’s not like we’re doing much good up here,” Gray agreed, giving one last look at the arguing couple before following his brother downstairs to the entertainment room that their dad and Gildarts had set up in the basement.

“Which one do you want to play?” he asked as he turned on the tv and the game console, searching through the games they owned.

“Co-op fighter?” Rogue suggested with a small smile, “We can pretend to kick grandpa’s ass.”

“If only,” Gray snorted and inserted the game, grabbing a controller for each of them. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected from his brother but was glad to find that he didn’t seem to be making a big deal out of the situation.

“I’m sorry for causing a scene, heard the old bastard freaked you out a little,” he apologized as he picked his fighter, waiting for Rogue to choose his.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Rogue shrugged, “He was the one who made the scene. It’s so stupid, we always have to behave around him, but he’s the one who can’t act like a decent human being. You should’ve seen him, he went rabid.”

“I seriously don’t understand how Dad came from that man,” Gray grumbled, “they are so different.”

“Yeah, I feel bad for him sometimes, I guess that’s why he always acts like he’s off somewhere else while they’re here,” Rogue noted, “And poor mom is stuck serving Grandpa while he sits there saying shit about dad.”

Hearing his brother mention their mom reminded Gray that he still had no idea how she had reacted to his announcement.

“Hey uh, what did mom say after I left?” he asked hesitantly. His worries regarding her opinion still bugged him. The response she’d given when his dad mentioned the plan for Saturday, and the fact that his parents were having a fight over it had only worsened them.

“Not much, just that it was going to be okay and that I should come to you and dad with my questions.”

“Oh,” Gray looked down at his controller, trying not to feel disheartened by that. He guessed it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t what he was hoping to hear either.

“She isn’t disappointed in you or anything,” Rogue added quickly, “I think she was just overwhelmed. There was a lot of yelling.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Gray forced himself to smile at his little brother, not wanting to stress him out any further. He gestured toward the screen, “You ready to go?”

“So are you gay?” Rogue asked, still scrolling through the different character options to pick his fighter.

“Ish? I like both, so that makes me bisexual,” Gray spoke the word confidently like his dad had told him to, remembering their conversation.

It was the first time he’d used it to refer to himself, and though he’d thought it would make him nervous - like there was no turning back from it anymore- he just felt right. It wasn’t any different than saying he played hockey. It was only another part of who he was, and his dad was right, he should be proud of it. No matter what others might have to say.

“That’s cool,” Rogue replied much in the same way he said anything, finally settling on a character. “All set.”

Gray snorted at his response, wondering what else he could have possibly expected from his brother. “Let’s do this.”

They played for a while, waiting for their parents to call them back upstairs, but when it didn’t happen, Gray forced himself to focus on the game. Trying to beat the waves of enemies helped him distance himself from what was going on.

“Hey, Gray?” Rogue spoke up in the middle of a boss fight, “Do you think they have video games in hell?”

Gray peered at him curiously, wondering where that had come from. “No idea, why?”

“Just wanna know because you suck so much I’m afraid we might not finish this game before we get there.”

Gray gawked at him for a moment before collapsing into a fit of giggles, “Man, I sure hope mom and dad weren’t counting on too many grandchildren.”

“What are you doing?! You got us both killed!” Rogue protested with such outrage that it only made Gray laugh even harder.

Gray’s expression softened as he studied his brother. “Guess we’ll just have to finish it in hell then.”

“I’d rather finish it now, just in case the rumors of blazing infernos are true, thank you,” Rogue rolled his eyes, setting up the game for another try. “And just so you know, you’re on grandkid duty. You like both, so you still have a chance of making it happen.”

“No promises,” Gray smirked, he did like girls, but he seemed to be more interested in boys at the moment.

“True,” Rogue said matter-of-factly, “Who’d want to date you?”

“You’re alright, kid,” Gray declared with a lingering chuckle, ruffling Rogue’s hair in the way his brother absolutely hated.

“And you’re annoying,” Rogue pouted, “but you’re also pretty badass for giving gramps the big fuck you.”

“That did feel good,” Gray confessed, getting up to grab a soda from the mini-fridge and tossing one to his brother.

Gray felt relief knowing that his father and brother both supported him. As for his mother, he decided to trust that she would love him no matter what, just as his father had said. There wasn’t much else he could do until he had a chance to talk to her.

He wondered what the outcome of their parents’ fight would be, hoping that they would still be allowed to go to the parade. It seemed important to his dad, even if he had framed it as a way to piss off Argent, and Gray wanted to offer him the same support he’d been given. It was easy to see there was a story there, and he hoped that someday his father would trust him with it.

As for the game, they never did end up finishing it, too wound up by everything that had happened to stay focused, but Gray felt closer to Rogue than ever. He made himself a promise that he would always have his back, and if anyone ever had the balls to give his little brother a hard time for who he was, Gray would give them hell.

#fairy tail #ftdadsau #ftlgbtpride2020 #ftlgbtales #silver & gray #gray & rogue #silver x mika #fics #dads pride 2020 #I Take Pride In What I Am 2020 #prompt: brave #fullbuster family

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writingforeternity · 5 years

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The open letter I wrote for my AP Language/Composition class on homophobia

To my fellow high school students,

Homophobia is defined in the Oxford Dictionary as the dislike of or prejudice against homosexual people. You claim not to be homophobic, but the things you say directly disagree with this professional definition. You claim not to care that people “choose” to be gay, but you go on rants about them every week. You claim to love everyone, but yet you call the lgbt+ community disgusting. You do not care about the people that you hurt with your words, in fact you’ve most likely directly stated that. I’ve heard you say it before, that you don’t care. I’ve heard you yell slurs and face no consequences.

Why do you do these things? Why do you hate people that have never done anything to you? I’ll tell you why: it’s because you don’t like that people are different than you. It’s happened time and time again in history, and you’re only repeating it. These are a group of people that have been disowned by their own families, been beaten in alleyways, and killed in broad daylight, and you have the audacity to claim that they chose this “lifestyle?” They have had to fight for their rights, in fact they still are, and you still mock them.

You ask why we need pride month, but you don’t know our history. Fifty years ago in June of 1969 was the Stonewall Riot where the lgbt community actively fought for the right to exist and to love. Pride month commemorates that, and commemorates the rights that we have now, despite still having a long way to go. We aren’t hurting you by celebrating who we are, so why do you care so much? Why do you so actively insist on hating people that you know nothing about aside from their sexual orientation?

I’m part of the lgbt community. I’m bisexual, but by looking at me you wouldn’t know that. The same goes for everyone else. You can’t just assume everyone is straight, and therefore is okay with the things you say. A study done by the Trevor Project states that lgbt students are three times more likely than non-lgbt students to say that they do not feel safe at school, and 90% of lgbt students have been harassed or assaulted during the past year. Do you think that this is an okay statistic? Are you actively trying to make people feel in danger? Because personally, when I’m at school, I feel like Scout in Calpurnia’s church: an outsider.

Being in the lgbt community is not easy. I’m aware that I am going to face discrimination all my life, whether it be in school, in the workplace, or even on the streets. It’s a daunting fact, and it makes me afraid, but one thing it doesn’t make me is ashamed. I am proud to be who I am, can you say the same? Bullying, harassing, and threatening people who cannot change the way they are? Gagging when a TV character is shown to have two dads, or when a character in a movie casually mentions that they are attracted to the same gender? Yelling the words “faggot” or replying to something with “that’s gay?” Is that the kind of person you want to be?

All that I’m saying is to be kind. Make life for others easier, and at least try to be a decent person. And if you come out of reading this and all you have to say is “that’s gay” as you roll your eyes, I can only say is that I’ve tried my best to educate you. You’re on your own, and when you eventually get married and have children, and your son says to you the words “I’m gay,” I hope you think back to this letter. I hope you realize the error of your ways, and I can only pray that you don’t kick your own child out of your house, and instead you try to relearn your ways and be accepting of the child that you’ve raised. Just be kind, no matter to who.

#lgbt+#lgbt+ topics #lgbt #homophobia #tw homophobia #tw slurs #essays #open letter #high school #lgbt community #my writing #original work #language arts #school #just thought I'd share it

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spotlightsaga · 7 years

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Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews… Orange is the New Black (S05E05) Sing It, White Effie Airdate: June 9, 2017 @oitnb Ratings: @netflix Score: 8.75

**********SPOILERS BELOW**********

OITNB has a habit of having white folks tell black folks’ stories… Normally you can kind of sense it right away, but after watching ‘Sing It, White Effie’ I had to look up the primary writer. I’ve talked about this a few times but never on this grand of a stage. I know that this has been addressed by many in previous years including Essence Magazine (which, yes I do read). It’s true that we as human beings, of blood and guts and organs and bones, are for the most part the exact same, sans a few genetic defects that only affect a certain race… And it’s true that some of us in different parts of the world have very different experiences due to environment. For instance, for over a decade in Miami, my only friends have been ones of color… Literally 98% Latin & Black… Despite how other parts of my family live, I live very differently. Growing up a 'sexually fluid’ ginger with a mother who was a very young teenager in high school gave me a vastly different experience than most. I’ve always celebrated my fucking weirdness. In high school I was literally a walking oxymoron, wearing 90 inch GAT pants I stole from the mall or borrowed from my friend, GlowGirl (yeah in the late 90s we all had Rave Names, didn’t you know?), paired with an oversized button up I found in my step-dads closet and a vest from Structure and Brooks Brothers eyeglasses that my Grandmother bought me on a visit… Not to mention spiked up Backstreet Boy haircut (that may or may not have been blue), tousled in the front, and fucking candy and jelly bracelets from the base of my thumbs up past my elbows. What the fuck, right? You’d think I’d look back and hate it, but all I see is a RAD fn’ Rave Star with 'anti-anti’ 90’s culture embodiment… Serving up Rave-Tastic Soccer Playing Prep Freak “on a Lemonade budget”…. Thank you, Shea Coulee!

Diversity has always been a part of my life in one way or another. I love to trade perspectives. I ask questions and offer up personal experiences instead of telling people their way of thinking is wrong, because I want people to understand me and I want to understand them. I truly believe that if we all at least tried to understand each other instead of this 'This opinion is right. This opinion is wrong,’ divisive mindset so many have seem to have adopted as of late the world would be a much better place. That being said, I just wrote a few articles on the 3rd Season of '60 Days In’ and stated there were certain topics I couldn’t completely speak on, even being a diverse ginger gringo faggot or whatever anyone wants to throw my way. On the internet today I was told I have a PHD in Cock Sucking (and other things that literally just look like letters on a page to me) and on the bus just last Monday, I let Snapchat take a quick, disappearing peak at a woman attacking my partner and I on the bus with an umbrella who called us 'stretched out asshole faggot cock sucking mother fuckers that will fry in hell’, I couldn’t make this shit up even if I tried. She had gotten a glimpse at my partner helping me on the bus because I have some issues moving around on Monday’s due to some disc issues in the upper parts of my back and went in for the kill when my partner asked if she could please turn the music down that she was blasting from her phone like she wasn’t aware that one can totally sonically invade someone’s space. None of these experiences give me the proper perspective needed to make a complete series featuring an episode that looks through the lens of a woman of color’s standpoint on Culture Appropriation on an all white 'DreamGirls’ production at the 'White School of Rich Bitch Privilege’.

Don’t get me wrong, this is probably the best take on racial issues I’ve ever seen on OITNB. I was moved, accomplished NYC playwright and television writer & editor Molly Smith Metzler, whose worked on two of my favorite Streaming Only series (OITNB & Hulu’s 'Casual’) is a raw talent that streaming networks would be lucky to have work on their exclusive series… But it all still felt like it was missing something. Some might tell you that the 'diversity’ plays itself out in front of the camera, but I assure you as a writer that it takes a village. When it comes to television particularly, everything is filtered through a lens after a lens after another lens…. As the showrunner draws out a storyboard with producers and then oversees the writing of a script which is handed to an editor and then off to a director which directs the actors who have their own interpretation of that character who are then filmed and framed by a cinematographer who hands over the multiple takes to an editor, who then slices and dices and puts together the final product that the network may possibly need to approve and by now I’m out of fucking breath. And I didn’t even mention the composers, casting directors, production designers, art directors, set decorators, costumes, makeup, the fn’ art department, sound department who collaborates with special effects people, not to be confused with the visual effects crew and the dozens and dozens of others who’s lens it funnels through to make a finished product. Did I make a point yet?

'Sing It, White Effie’ is by far the best of #OITNB5 but just like the tears that filled my eyes during the final moments when a young Janae has an epiphany when she realizes what her trip to a private school that has a trio of rich white girls playing the main characters of 'DreamGirls’ truly represents…. Just like Taystee’s beautiful, enthralling speech that I’m sure we all applauded and were worked up over emotionally… It just could have been better. No matter what you know, no matter what you’ve seen, no matter how intense your empathy radar is, no matter how many shoes you have traded with other people… We can write out someone else’s story, we can do our research, we can firmly believe the things we say, we can identify pieces of a puzzle of someone else’s story through idiosyncratic experiences, but we’ll never be able to put the entire puzzle together without the missing piece.

I don’t want it to seem like I’m complaining, I’m only imagining that a fantastic show could be even bolder, even more intense, even more 'on the nose’ with it’s ironic comedy style, that’s sometimes dark so that it fades into the drama with more ease. I love OITNB, I do. I would go as far as to say that this is the most bingeable show ever created. The hardest thing I’ve had to do in the past few months (thank god) is to decide to go to sleep instead of watching and writing about another episode of this very show. Slowly but surely, the inmates of Litchfield are shown to notice little things that are waking them to the impending consequences that are sure to devastate these women in a major way.

Right now it’s the little things, like Suzanne (Uzo Aduba), the usual most 'out of touch’ resident of Litchfield, observing the fact that she’s not being fed during regular hours. Gloria (Selenis Leyva) has come to a point where she is completely overwhelmed, she can’t carry on her normal duties anymore. Her genuine concern for Daya (Dascha Polanco) as well as her inner turmoil she’s experiencing for generally losing control paired with the backfiring of attempting to steal the gun from Daya to impede the takeover is a weight she can no longer carry. Her phone call to Diaz (Elizabeth Rodriguez) was another truly successful, relatable, and dramatic moment that puts the audience inside Litchfield for an oh-so important instant. I think we can all relate to a point in time where we are completely at a loss for what to do in a situation, maybe we want to ask for help, but we don’t know how, or even where to start, or even if we could be helped at all… So you just need a familiar voice on the other end of the line. The family dynamic is so strong with this one, and as a person who lives in a Latin Dominated city, there’s a certain way that pride is carried here that I see in these characters. These actresses are truly amazing to bring their distinct perspective into a script that is not their own, essentially that is what makes this show so special in these dramatic points of reference. It is bigger than the writers, who are great, but just not as diverse as we would like.

If it’s one thing that a talented white woman would write with a pristine birds eye view, it’s satire of a what it would be like to be a rich white woman turned into a slave by white supremacists… Oh yeah, and one white nationalist. Judy King (Blair Brown) looks completely insane with her messy hair, ketchup stained face, and belt leash around her neck. I literally can’t stop laughing as I write this. The image will be forever stored in the memory banks of my brain. Taystee is PISSED. The Helicopter Press snapping a photo of Judy King tied to a cross on top of a roof by skinheads wearing hijab’s has interfered with Taystee’s intentions, which means everyone’s intentions, but most importantly… Justice for Poussey. She means to buy Judy off of the skinheads and grab 'The PR Guy’ Josh (John Palladino) to issue a statement, but the skinheads make Taystee & Friends work for it, holding a ridiculous auction, which doesn’t really work… But for the sake of moving the core narrative onward in what is as close to real-time as possible, I suppose it’s fine…. I’m just not sure where everyone else came from considering in one scene they were alone and the next minute the area is full of potential bidders. Just goes to show you even some of the best shows are fat from perfect.

Pensatucky (Taryn Manning) has yet another memorable moment, again the drama is really what is setting this season ablaze. Big Boo (Lea DeLaria) catches Pensatucky & Coates (James McMenamin) making out. Of course, this not only enrages Boo for obvious reasons, but it also has her worried for Pensatucky’s safety. A lot of people seem incredibly uncomfortable with this subplot, but Manning delivers the true Pensatucky 'thought process’ in a 'methamphetamine metaphor’ that’s just divine. 'No matter how much I wanted different, I had to respect the chemicals… Because Lye doesn’t feel anything until it touches ephedrine’, Pensatucky means this… And even if you don’t understand the white trash chemistry behind the metaphor, she delivers it in the most earnest & steady manner. There’s a beauty to it. She continues… 'Have you ever wanted somebody that you shouldn’t?’ Boo doesn’t have it, 'Of course. It’s called masturbating. Now say goodbye and walk the fuck away, son.’ Pensatucky is a character that we’ve already explored so much throughout the past 4 ½ seasons, but there are so many notes to this character and to Manning’s delivery that they could literally go on forever. This is the very opposite of Piper (Taylor Schilling) who literally seems like a new person, someone completely alien to the Piper who kicked off the show in S1. Even her interactions with Alex (Laura Prepon) feel off key. Maybe prison is changing her? Or maybe they have no idea what to do with the character. They certainly know what they want to do with Alex, as she has started a bit of an 'outdoor prison’ revolution… Grass Roots, if you will!

We should mention that Coates escapes by way of Pensatucky stealing the gun from 'The Incompetent Queens of White Trash’, Angie (Julie Lake) and Leanne (Emma Myles), who don’t even realize that their 'secret hiding place’ they stored the gun while on a massive DXM trip is actually the back of the belt that Angie had no idea she was wearing. Coates actually takes the gun with him… All of these events have me worried for Pensatucky and there is really only so much that Boo can do. Right before his grand escape, Taystee and company lead Judy out for a press conference. Taystee begins and Danielle Brooks delivers her words like a Viola Davis or Meryl Streep in the making. She hands it over to Judy but pulls back when she realizes that Judy lying about her ill treatment will only hurt their cause… And to roll back to my original point, which I rolled off on a bit of a passionate tangent… Taystee literally says the words that I positioned that first point around… Judy King cannot speak for Taystee or any of the inmates, for that matter. This isn’t exactly a Pensatucky 'Methamphetamine Metaphor’ but dammit… In the face of previous controversy the show, particularly the writers room, has been accused of, you’d think that they’d hire equally as talented women of color to write this speech, portions of these episode, entire episodes. Once again, I take nothing away from the talented Molly Smith Metzler, she did an excellent job here… I just think that this scene, as well as others, could pack so much more power and benefit from the proper frame of reference.

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djrelentless · 7 years

Text

“Breaking Dad”

(a Father's Day greeting to a father who wasn't there)

June 15, 2014 at 7:41am

Last year this time I had just learned that my father had died in 2005 of AIDS. It was a bittersweet moment. For years I had dreamed of seeing his face as I told him of all the things that his faggot-ass son had accomplished. All the things I had done without him. All the places I had seen that he would never see. But I would never get that chance.

That first conversation with my step-mother was really hard to wrap my head around. I spent so many years angry at my father and now it was over.

About 3 days ago, I reconnected with an old roommate and friend. It was so good to hear from her after all these years. She told me that she had wondered what had happened to me and would go by my father’s home to ask had he heard from me. He told her that he did not have a son. I don’t know why, but that really hurt to hear her say that. Probably because I could hear him saying it. Probably with a few beers under his belt.....and still bitter after our confrontation on Thanksgiving of 1991.

Sad to think that a part of me still wants his approval and acceptance......even after all these years. Even after the knowledge of his death.

Suddenly I am seven years old again. I am at my mother’s mother’s house. It’s my birthday. I had spoken to him two days before and he said he would stop by to see me on my birthday. I remember being so happy to think that my dad was gonna spend some time with me. All I ever wanted was for him or my mother to be with me since I spent most of my time being shuffled between my grandmother and my great grandmother’s house.

I remember I woke up early that day. I picked out my best clothes. I ate my breakfast in a hurry. I figured my dad would have been there by noon so we could spend the day together. The morning hours moved really slow, but by noon I had decided to wait on the front porch. I watched every car that went past 40th Street and 32nd Ave. There was a generic gas station diagnally across the busy highway.

By 3 PM, my grandmother started trying to convince me to come in and open my present. She had baked my favorite......chocolate on chocolate cake. But I wasn’t havin’ it! I didn’t want to do anything until my father got there.

Funny thing about being a kid......the strength of your hope is boundless. I was not giving up because I really believed that my dad was just running late or was stuck at work. But he was still coming to see me.

By 6 PM , my grandmother made me come in for dinner. I could barely eat for trying to listen for a car door in the driveway. But there was no car sounds outside at all. I remember beginning to feel doubt. I reluctantly opened my gift from grandma. It was the game of LIFE. What an ironic gift! I had asked for it because I had seen the commercial and I dreamed that would play it with a brother and perhaps my father. My grandmother offered to play the game with me, but I didn’t realize it until years later....my grandmother didn’t read well. I don’t think she made it out of elementary school. She was a very smart businesswoman. She definitely knew how to manage her money, but I remember her getting frustrated because she couldn’t understand what teh directions were for the board game. I think she thought by playing the game with me that she could take my mind off of the promise that my dad had made.

Unable to play the game with me, I quickly drew my attention to the porch again. we still had about and hour of daylight. There was a chance that he would still show up. So, I returned to the rocking chair and began counting cars again. As the sun began to set in the Tampa summer sky and the mosquitoes were feasting on me, my grandmother told me to come inside. I protested and she ordered me in. Tears began to fall and my grandma held me as I accepted defeat. Lied to once again.

Now I am 13 and I have gone to live with my father and his new wife after my mother had been arrested again on drug charges. There were already 2 kids and one on the way when my half brother, Zuberi and I went to live with them. Often my dad would come home drunk and very abusive. I was awkened one night as he had cornered my step-mother in the kitchen of this tiny two bedroom apartment. I jumped up and got in the way before he could hit her again. He immediately punched me in the stomach. Knocked the wind right out of me.

“So, you think you a man now, huh?” he taunted.

When I caught my breath, something made me be a smart ass and I began singing “We Shall Overcome”. He was not amused.

My next thought is of me at the age of 14 and my father arranging for a “family friend” named Carol to show me what a man and woman do. Apparently, he and my uncle had slept with her on a regular basis. When you are a teenaged boy, sex isn’t a difficult task. Hell....if the wind blows the right way any boy would be sex ready. I remember Carol came out of the room and declared that there was nothing wrong with me and that I knew how to handle a woman. My dad smiled and said “I knew that you had it in ya!”

And now I am suddenly 16. I am packing my stuff at my Uncle Herb’s place. I lived there with my father. A noisy neighbor had spied on me as I kissed my boyfriend goodbye in his car as he dropped me off. Lousie was her name and she couldn’t wait until the next morning to casually stop by during breakfast to tell my father and Herb. My father lost his mind and started yelling at teh top of his lungs. He smoked. So, it wasn’t that loud. He said “As long as you live under this roof you are gonna have to keep that sissy shit away from here!”

I had decided to rent a room from a friend’s mother rather than spend another day in that apartment with my dad. Throughout my childhood I kept telling myself that one day I would be in control of my life and that was the only thing that kept me going. I figured after that statement, there was no time like the present.

“You’ll be back. You ain’t got no real job to take care of ya-self!” he said as I was dragging my last bag out of Herb’s place.

I made sure that he never knew of the time I spend homeless and slept in the bus station downtown while still attending High School and worked at The Tampa Tribune. He never knew of the days that I went hungry or only had tuna sald sandwiches to survive on. My pride would not let me. I was never going back to any place that he lived.

So, by the time we had gotten to that awful Thankgiving at his mother’s house, too many years of conflict and homophobia had passed. So, as he told me how I was ruining his name by being a faggot and how I was gonna die of AIDS if I kept on running around with those punks, I could not hold my tongue. I felt that I had to defend myself and get somethings off my chest.

I chose not to tell him that I had already contracted the virus. I was already living with HIV+ when he said those words to me. Instead I said....

“You got a lotta nerve! You ain’t got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of and you wanna tell me how to live my life! Fuck you! This punk makes good money and takes care of hisself. I don’t mooch off my brother!”

I thought he was gonna jump across the table and hit me. But he didn’t. He looked like I had murdered my grandmother. He was about to say something, but his mother told him to get out. She threw him and his girlfriend, Michelle out of her house. That was the last time I saw him.

In this past year of reconnecting with my family, I have learned a lot about the man who was my father. None of what I learned has med me like him in the least. But I do feel sorry for him. Whatever love he had inside of him, my mother killed that when she left me with him and ran off with her boyfriend. It must have been hell to realize that she had used him to get out of her mother’s house.

In fact, the only good memory I have of my father is the few times that I went to find him at his hang out bar on Nebraska Avenue and he invited me inside to show me how to play pool.

I can’t say “I love you, Dad.”

I can’t say that I looked up to you or that you were there for me. You weren’t.

But how could you have been? You weren’t even there for yourself. You never took care of you so that you could take care of the people who were depending on you.

And in some strange way, instead of hating you on this Father’s Day I just hope that you are finally happy and resting in peace. Lord knows.....you need it after the life you led.

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