#and now there’s suguru. and what’s three years against a decade. maybe those three years were so good until it turned sour

[bowl-of-fruit-loops]

I see your “satoru couldn’t bear to see suguru’s body destroyed” and I raise you “shoko couldn’t bear to do it”

#imagine it. you’re ieri shoko and one of your only friends is in your morgue and yeah. you’ve been doing this for years #you’ve taught yourself to see skinmeatmuscle&organ&bone instead of a person’s body. and you’re a fast learner so you’ve gotten good at it #(you’re a prodigy. you’re classmates were titans but you’re a breakthrough.) #and now there’s suguru. and what’s three years against a decade. maybe those three years were so good until it turned sour #gone bad like a fruit you don’t know is rotten until you bite into it #and three years is so little time and you’ve had a decade to brace for this #because of course this was never going to end any other way. either suguru or satoru were going to end up in your hands #because they’re dramatic like that #three years of suguru&satoru and shoko is barely anything. you had fifteen years before that and ten years after #you can’t bring yourself to burn him #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #geto suguru #gojo satoru #ieri shoko #sashisu #anyway I’m writing a fic abt this. if my rambling in the tags didn’t tell u that #writing fics in google docs? no. write fics in the tumblr tags

[japanstopbrawler1992]

I've already said Masaru's the muse that is least like me (and Bleach's Ichigo is so much like me, in my project I may end up just giving him my career)

But I do get enough to want to play him.

Of course, uh, well, anyone who knows me can tell you all about my difficulty with modern technology. Although I'm really handy with analogue tech, to the point I still mostly use it and can do basic repair on most of it (though, like me, it's all ageing and showing problems it didn't used to, at which point, I seem to become Tim Taylor...)

One of the things I do get is the basic feeling of anger. Mine is related to racism and queerphobia to the point of being an abuse survivor because of it. This is why my triggers are rage triggers, and they're things like "dressing up my human default English in exotic Japanese" and other "racism against certain groups is empowering uwu" kinda stuff.

Masaru's is maybe not as easy to point out, although his seems to be directed towards things that either endanger loved ones (Masaru v. Piyomon), hurt feelings into anger (Masaru v. Touma the second time, after he gave Touma his trust) or things that just violate his ethics code/are cruel (Kurata)

Also, feeling looked down on (Touma at first, ostensibly the motivation for the people he regularly fights with, who mostly look older than him), but I think that's probably most people.

And of course, violence is the first resort and something he regards as a moral imperative rather than something he does only if he must (conversely, Ichigo seems to fight regretfully when feeling forced into it, and Ken, well, the moment he realised he was being violent to living beings, that was horrifying enough to break him of control, and probably scar him for life. Will be upset if he's totally well-adjusted in Kizuna)

But I still get the anger, even if mine's through 23 years of acquiring CPTSD (and my understanding of trauma is why I said the last thing in brackets) and his is more just kinda how he's wired.

Will it ever calm down? I kinda picture there having to be an event to really bring home that he's gotta stop defaulting to violence. The anger, you know, that might even end up getting worse.

I used to solve the problems I could with fighting because I just didn't see another way. In high school, once the Japanese side of my family was all deceased, and it was the racist side and a bunch of racist Southerners, I quickly realised I had no school staff or any authority figures on my side, and all I was left with was my fists.

But when I turned legal age, I didn't wanna end up in prison, and I already knew the law only accepts self-defence if you're white. And you have to be monoracial white to be white. Those both being obvious, I became afraid to fight for myself.

I have even in recent years, rushed headlong into fights to protect others, but I'm trying to get the victim to safety, not take on the attacker. Honestly, joint degradation at this point means the latter wouldn't work, anyway.

One thing I can so easily see Masaru sharing with me is, even after all these years, I never figured out how to protect myself without violence.

I recently got pepper spray. Literally three days ago. I'll see what happens. The problem is I've been taught so hard to fear consequences of protecting myself.

But Masaru would still have two things I do, even if for different reasons.

1. He would not know how to effectively stand up for himself or his loved ones in the absence of violence being a viable route. Being ineffective would further fuel anger.

2. I think he'd be prone to worse buildup of anger once he can't let any of it out in violence. As he ages, things like insomnia, stress-related vomiting, and high blood pressure might be very real problems for him.

When you use your fists to solve problems, but you aren't an abusive person, you eventually submit to that not being a reasonable answer, and you end up with a "what now?"

And even a couple of decades after losing the option of violence, I still don't have an answer. People say "don't let it get to you" or "let it roll of your back," and that doesn't make any sense to me. I'm not that type of person. I'm not capable of that. And I don't think Masaru is, either.

Breathing excersises, walking meditation (you focus on chanting, not emptying your mind), knowing the one kind of person who actually is beneath me (I see all people as just that, people) is a bully, I dunno. I just think it's very hard for someone who once relied on violence to find something else that works. Bottling it all up keeps you from dealing with cops, which dealing with cops is never a good idea in America, but actually getting rid of the anger, if I haven't found that by 2020, someone so much younger than me is unlikely to have.

Sure, he has living family and people that are good fighters themselves, and let's be real, Touma deals with bigoted family hating his guts. He also duelled Masaru early on. He gets the satisfaction of violence.

So he has more possibility to be taught various ways to maybe somewhat mitigate the stress at one point, but his gut reaction will probably always be rage, and frankly, probably Touma is the only one who has a chance of knowing a way to help diffuse the rage after it's there.

That being said, Touma has other failsafes. He does look down on other people. He's got access to an ivory tower of loftiness, if you will. He's the one most likely to understand how Masaru feels, but he has his own background and viewpoint that Masaru doesn't have an equivalent. And let's be honest, Sayuri, and what we know of him, Suguru, don't really have that anger.

A lot of people I work with don't have that anger, either. They can let people calling them monkeys or "joking" about the Holocaust or calling ICE on them roll of their back. And they tell me to, and I just can't. So I don't feel like Sayuri or Suguru have the rage necessary to help Masaru cope once violence is no longer a viable route. I've come to realise that feeling rage is a fundamental type of person, just as Sayuri's apparent lack of an anger drive.

I think Touma comes closest to it. But I think he'd have to have a better answer than "know you're better than them." Masaru doesn't have that kind of high horse. In fact, he seems to at first, readily agree with and be angered by Touma being of upper class and accomplishment as well as his arrogance.

But as much as there's just got to be a solution to deal with the rage, which Masaru has in spades, I am currently unable to even concieve it myself. So as Masaru gets older, yeah, I think he'd have not-insignificant health problems related to just all that anger sitting in him.

#about muse #about mun #digimon savers #digimon rp