#and no one is allowed to have a brain or personality or anything so no one questions why theyre suddenly switching targets

[md-confessions]

Trigger Warning for abuse since I am going to be talking about it a lot.

My honest reaction to TSM anon's confessions/posts trying to justify J's treatment of N. (They're so ass)

Ok so uhh... Anyway I'll try to debunk some of the points:

First of all: yes the fuck she is abusive! Search the damn definition on Google or the dictionary, it's exactly what she's doing, like beat for beat.

Let's start with two examples: one from the manor and another from copper-9.

J kicking N in the manor flashback: for context N and V had literally just bumped into each other, made a spark and both were trying to clean up the mess they made, then comes in Ms. Tenth letter of the alphabet with a kick to N's face for like no fucking reason whatsoever.

J stepping on N's chest while he clearly struggles: In the pilot during the scene that introduces the Alphabet squad during J's introduction she has her foot on his chest while saying he's useless, terrible and if she could, she'd kill him herself and N is very clearly struggling to even breath.

Those two very clearly ARE abuse, the second one even has a tinge of verbal abuse!

Ok so TSM tried to justify both these actions by us not knowing the full context.

The context of the kick is that: there is none, that kick was completely unprovoked, so J had absolutely no reason for kicking N aside from him being in her way from the "move it moron" line, and she changes up her attitude completely at Tessa being there, her visor showing those hollow eyes that drones show when worried or scared.

But even if you say "oh but N was in J's way so she kicked him out" but she could have just, you know, MOVED A LITTLE BIT TO THE RIGHT?!?!? And also that does not excuse kicking a person in the face.

Context of the second scene is: THERE IS NONE, ONE AGAIN! The reason that scene exists is to show that A. J is abusive towards N, and B. J is a hypocrite! Let me explain, A is very self explanatory, stepping on someone's chest and verbally abusing them is very clearly well... Abuse and B is to show that even though she calls N useless, N has shown throughout the rest of the series he is a very competent fighter, arguably better than his fellow DDs and also that even though J was pretty much insulting N for being weak, she got killed by a Angsty bisexual 18-year-old with a pen and a Railgun made out of like, scrap.

I don't know how you can genuinely look at those scenes and go "J isn't an abuser" even though yes she fucking is.

Also I dead ass forgot that second post aside from the "why would Cyn put N in the squad if his abuser?" Part, which has a very simple explanation: it wasn't Cyn, it was Mr. Solver of the absolute fabric itself! It used Cyn as a host, Cyn wasn't in control, she prob has been dead for a long ass time.

The solver is sadistic and it likes fucking with the alphabet squad, take V as an example: it allowed V to keep her memories, just to make V's trauma even worse.

The solver thinks it's funny to traumatize people so why wouldn't it think putting a person in the same team as their abuser wouldn't be?

Anyways I've been typing this since 5:30 AM, and now it's 6:50 and I got school so I'll stop here, if you got anything else to add put it in the reblogs ig...

Final note: I haven't been abused myself (not that I remember) so I can't really fully grasp the concept, but still, J's treatment of N is like, the dictionary definition of Abuse, I'm very bad at understanding other people and their emotions and I'm not super great at analysing characters but this shit is so obviously abuse seeing TSM over here trying to say otherwise is giving me a brain aneurysm.

Anyways have a good day/evening/night or whatever time of day it is :D

.

#md confessions #murder drones #abuse cw #serial designation j #serial designation n #serial designation v #md cyn #the absolute solver

[constantvariations]

One of Hello Future Me's videos on revolution brought up an event from the Philippines back in the 80s: the dictator sent a battalion to crush a supposed revolt, only for the soldiers to be met with nuns and children offering food and water. The majority of the army defected as a result

I'm going to use rwby to try hammering this abstract concept into a coherent thought, but this incident got me thinking about how nonviolent protest is theater

If a similar event were to occur in rwby, for it to be successful, the protestors would have to be the cutesy faunus types: rabbits, cats, dogs, and the like because they're non-threatening. Attacking a sweet cat faunus would be akin to attacking a child or nun, paragons of innocence and virtue respectively. Only a monster could cut them down, and no one wants to be seen as a monster

A scorpion faunus, though? Their mere existence is a threat. That tail is dangerous, a weapon available at all times. Bull faunus have horns they can use to gouge out eyes and organs. Claim they attacked and most people would agree that killing them in self-defense is justified

Because nonviolent resistance relies on public perception, people who could possibly taint the image of the movement will get left in the dark no matter how important they are. Bayard Rustin was the one who taught Dr King about civil disobedience and was an organizer for many major events, but he opted to ride to events in the trunk of people's cars so his status as an openly gay man wouldn't harm the movement's image

There would be little wonder why the White Fang would be more popular with the "scarier" faunus. Public perception is already against them, so it's not going to change much for them if they join a violent organization, but this in turn will be seen as justification for discrimination against these types of faunus. A hellish self-perpetuating cycle

These faunus would also be far more likely to experience violence at a much younger age, akin to how black children are treated as adults even if they're literally six years old

The strategy behind nonviolent protest like the ones Dr King did is to show the world the mistreatment of the innocent, but when your existence is deemed a threat, there's little hope that you'll ever get enough support to change the system. This is why bigots constantly spew the "queer groomer" and black crime "statistics": by portraying someone's freedom as a danger to the innocent, any level of violence is justifiable defense. The police aren't attacking queers, black, and brown folk discriminately, they're attacking dangerous criminals, so it's okay!!1!

Theater can't save those already condemned and to try is wasted effort

#rwde #antiblackness tw #<- in the link #Claudette Colvin refused to give up her seat a whole 9 months before Rosa Parks yet wasnt the face of the movement #good choice considering she was only 15 and shoving a teen into the racist public eye is Not Good but her pregnancy was also a major factor #idk hopefully i got the point across #somewhat related is the trend of the privileged being the biggest advocates for peaceful protest #while the ones who've endured violence - both economically and physically - are the ones who call upon violence #which almost always means violent *self defense* #the few occasions ive read where there were actual attacks its been targeted like the BLA ambushing cops #cant say i blame them considering the mcfucking everything the cops had going on #the bpp was basically destroyed by the police and fbi at this point and that was probs a major factor in their decision #and targeted violence was exactly what the white fang was doing before cinder showed up and ruined everything #literally nothing the wf does in the show is actually for faunus liberation bc its all cinder/salems orders!! #and no one is allowed to have a brain or personality or anything so no one questions why theyre suddenly switching targets #gr8 discussion abt activism here shawluna. love that you reduced the anti racism movement to mercenaries to avoid saying anything at all #ffs they even fucked up weiss's side of the convo! obvs the fumbling of blakes ball is much worse but come the fuck on #'the wf may have assassinated company board members and family friends but were teammates now so who cares!! team rwby go!!' #fucking barf

[pepprs]

doing really bad in ways i can’t talk about which is making it worse

#just cancelled a meeting so i could cry in the office LMAOOOOOOO 🥰👍 #purrs #the mortifying ordeal of my therapist being on her honeymoon rn 😹😹😹😹😹 #i think i am just a bad person and my needs hurt people who need me. and it’s not fair to them and idont know what to do with that. #i think i may have to move out sooner than i am ready to and not listen to anyone telling me to keep waiting. this is not sustainable. it’s #not sustainable for my family because i hurt them with my needs. and it’s not sustainable for me to be unable to need and get what i need #without hurting them. i think what’s so hard about this is that i have to do it alone and everyone is against me doing it but i have to do #it anyway. i don’t know. i don’t want my sister to see this and get hurt. if you do see this im sorry i can’t be what you need. im sorry my #needs hurt you. but they’re needs. i have to be selfish even though my brain is screaming at me in your voice that i don’t. i just need to #escape it all. i am allowed to need independence and alone time and im sorry i was cruel about asserting it but i need to assert it and no #one at home understands why but I need to. im not talking coherently i just feel so wretched and sick to my stomach with guilt and grief and #frustration and shame and i have to facilitate a huge session in an hour and a half. #delete later #like my friends / mutuals / mentors / etc can tell me until they’re blue in the face that i am not a bad person and i deserve to live an #independent Life etc etc but none of you are actually in my house and you don’t see how it is and how i am the cause of all of it and how im #stuck and making things worse. and i can’t summon my strength or calm down or anything. i don’t know. i have to get ready for the session i #just can’t even think straight. my family is right and i am also right and i can’t assert my rightness over theirs. so im stuck forever. #if i could i would leave work early and go home but there’s no one to take me home and home is actually the worst possible place to be #right now LOLLLLL. i just need to curl into a bed and cry. also im about to get my period so thats probably why im like this lol

[tamagotchikgs]

been trying to figure out just how i am going to explain how wildly my brain has been altered since the last time i saw my therapist && it make me realize all of this has happened in 1 month,,,,,,,,,,, it feels like . eons. eternity . in the best way possible

#normally everything feels so short #my anxiety just speeds me through it before i can even take a second to enjoy or even experience anything. everything is a dusty blur #but ive been ok #i've actually had good times ive mayb even started 2 feel close to a person for the first time in my life #feel safe w them #anxiety cant get me when im in their shield bubble #listening 2 em talk n even just Exist like woag ur the best thing in this whole world #just bbzbzbzbzbbzz #of course there r also the Horrors that do come w it just due 2 my avpd but . it still feels so different #and i like to ignore those because they make me feel like a monster i am not jealous noo i am so normal i am very normal #i am beating my jealousy side with a stick and i Will win #i have never and Will never act on it #if i ignore it they cant b real #also i do know it's illogical whihc helps #honestly though im used 2 it because ill get jealous if like . a stranger is nice to me and then is nice to some1 else. like oh. oh it was #all a rouse u want me dead u hate me #and it's like. homie. pal. that is normal. they're not abandoning u theyre not trying to set u up for humiliation #theyre just living their life #it's kinda weird tho because i will get feelings like that simultaneously with knowing i am Nothing i am a Horrid beast no one deserves to #even have to see #and knwoing i am not allowed to care about people and there is no shot in hell they will be even nice to me #so it;s just . a lot of things swirling constant;ly #painful emotions all around there is no joy #(except for rn. with them. i can b free from my brain)

[opens-up-4-nobody]

the good thing about asperger's no longer being a diagnosis is that it's just called level 1 autism spectrum disorder now. i know i probably shouldn't be poking around in the mental health of strangers online, but as an autistic person myself, your struggles resonated with me. ever since i've been able to accept, understand, and begin to provide myself accommodations for my autism, my mental health has improved tremendously. autism is also co-morbid with oodles of other conditions, so it is definitely possible to have autism and other conditions that may have overlapping symptoms

It's funny, I was diagnosed, accepted it, over analyzed and rejected it, subsequently forgot about it entirely, then when the only helpful counselor I ever had brought up the idea I was like: Oh yeah! That makes sense. And went through the same process over again. I will say, having someone point out that something might be inhibiting my ability to interact with people was extremely helpful. Because I just thought I was really bad at it and processed it as a point of failure (which was intolerable). At one point she said "You don't have to do things you don't want to just because you feel like you should" and I think about that a lot. That should have been obvious but it was like she slapped me with a fish

#i used to pretend to be a person a lot more. now im just like im too fucking tired to not be anything but myself #ill wear whatever weird patterns i want. ill avoid all eye contact and say whatevers in my head. bc usually its nothing #harmful. perhaps a bit blunt but usually in a way thst makes ppl laugh. with me or at me idk but whatever #ill be as weird as i want. i wear fucking white moon boots around everywhere lol. ay now im just being defensive bc #these r the things my sister would make fun of me for lol. point is im probably autistic and overthinking it #but in the past few yeas when the obsessive compulsive behavior started to become a more and more obvious problem i was like hm maybe its #something else and my brain restricts even the words i use in the context i use them so i became no longer allowed to say oh yea im #autistic. which is annoying. thr malignant force that is my obsessive compulsive tendencies. which again im not allowed to name bc its not #allowed without an official diagnosis bc thats how my brain work 👍 #level 1 autism sounds Hilarious tho. the teired heavens of autism. ive only ascended to level 1. allegedly. #god. my brain. y do i have to plausible deniability myself. its like im waiting for someone to collect evidance and make an arrest bc of #messy liguistics. ay ay ay. there r 2 wolfs inside me. one is trying to drown the other lol #unrelated #me when i have to b around ppl: actually im an insect person. an alien studying humans. watch them go #but no no im not one of them. im simply an observer

[gibbearish]

i can't take any discourse post seriously if it says "x side is refusing to listen to survivors" because if you can't accept that survivors are not a monolith and may disagree with you in regards to your shared type of trauma then it really begs the question, are YOU actually listening to survivors? or are you only listening to the ones who say what you already thought and disregarding the rest as a) people who are incapable of understanding their own trauma and therefore can't be trusted to make decisions about it for themselves or b) outright fakers?

#i also go out of way to try and take all discourse posts with a heaping helping of salt but these ones specifically im like #conflicting access needs dude what hurts you might help another person so you need to step back and ask yourself if what they're doing #is overall harmful or just harmful to you specifically and act accordingly #theres nothing wrong with you being the problem here‚ its ok to be like 'i cant be around this' and dip #ik the word problem has negative connotation but idk ive always felt like my brain worked a little differently than other ppls w that #problem doesnt mean anything morally bad it just means somethings not working as intended and so #you need to problem solve to fix it #you have a problem that is you can't be around xyz thing while others can #and in your own spaces youre allowed to solve that problem by requesting others not bring it in with them if doable or to work together #to minimize its impact on you if you have to be around it #but in spaces where that thing is accepted and enjoyed and you are the outlier‚ theres nothinf shameful abt the solution to that problem #being removing yourself from that space #you were the problem‚ so you solved the problem. it doesnt have to be a bad thing yknow? #same with 'broken' ive had multiple people to me explain why i shouldnt use that word about myself but im like #no i understand abt forming neural pathways with negative words but its not negative to me genuinely !!! its just a descriptor!!!! #like. a part of my body is supposed to work/exist in a specific way‚ but it didnt. it was broken‚ it couldnt perform its intended function #it was broken‚ and we fixed it #you wouldnt tell me to call a broken bone a fuckin. 'area for improvement bone' it got broke! it dont work anymore!! #my brain doesnt produce the chemicals its supposed to‚ its BROKEN and im taking medicine to fix it #i think veronica got it but i only got to see her for a few months #anyways. that was kind of offtopic but i think still follows the central theme of just. understanding that sometimes people's brains #work different from yours and they process the world differently than you #i dont call other people broken because i know that would be mean given how their brains interpret the word but i do feel comfortable #using my own version of language to describe myself #autism dialect KENFKSBFKSBFMDB

[running-in-the-dark]

a super fun thing that my brain is really good at is hearing a random fact and remembering it forever. but only if it's bad :)

#the reason I'm thinking about that right now: I wish I had never read that having a crease on your earlobe means you're more likely to have #heart disease. #scared me so much that I read a whole paper about it #but it's been years now so I don't remember the details #just that that's a thing apparently #and guess what my brain does with that information? oh yeah of course I have to obsessively look at the ears of everyone now! does that #do anything helpful? nope! just makes me very very anxious :) #it's just like when I was a kid and I got nightmares about scurvy every time I didn't eat a potato for a week. #like. wow I could be so smart and everything if my brain wasn't constantly focused on random bullshit that is completely irrelevant 😭 #also this thing specifically: I've always been weirdly fascinated by ears and this made that a million times worse and also very scary. #like ooh that's a nice ear :) oh no death exists and this person is going to die and #yeah it sucks. #specifically choosing not to mention any names in this context because my god this shit is on my mind all the time already I really don't #need to say it where anyone can see #it's embarrassing enough #though anyone who has looked at my blog in the past month already knows who I'm talking about. #like. I really shouldn't allow myself to like anyone over the age of like. idk 45. #it's so unbelievably exhausting. #but annnyway I'm totally normal and fine :) #oh yeah I also have creases on my earlobes lol so that definitely added to the scariness (and THEN my mother randomly mentioned recently #that EVERYONE on her side of the family had/has heart disease. bitch WHAT the fuck. anyway so yeah guess we know what's gonna kill me #haha isn't that fun :) ) #ALSO the fact that my memory is very very bad means that I remember absolutely none of the details about shit like this. so it could very #well be completely irrelevant and harmless but i wouldn't remember that part. #and I think even if I found out more it wouldn't help. it's been an obsession for so long. I've never had one go away that I've had for #this long. so. guess I'm just fucked. #personal

[rubberbandballqueen]

since i just rb'd a poll abt high school grades now's probably a good time to drop one of my many million-dollar ideas for how to run a high school classroom, which is that i think that at the start of a quarter/semester kids should be asked if they want hw to count towards their grades or not bc i was So Fucking Bad at submitting hw in high school, but my test scores were really good, so i'd rather have not had hw count towards my grades. but obviously there are a good number of kids who are either bad at taking tests or anxious abt their grades dropping and are diligent abt turning in hw, so letting hw count towards their grades would give them some padding in that situation.

#i really Do need to just maintain a doc of all my ideas for how to run a classroom #bc i've been storing some of these in my brain since i was like 12. that's a fucking decade by this point What the hell #the worm speaks #unfortunately it's probably unfeasible to Not have tests n the like count towards a grade at all #like personally as a student i do not hate testing!! as someone who enjoys gathering data / information i'm kind of obsessed w/it!!! #but i also have very strong opinions on TEST DESIGN as well as curriculum design n stuff #like tests CAN be a useful tool for measuring knowledge! if you design it right. and even then it's like. not perfect #one of my other million dollar ideas is that rather than giving out a final i'd give kids the choice to either do like #a freeform project to demonstrate their knowledge in literally Any Way They Want (foster creativity n stuff) #or! they could also just take a paper exam if they want. idk if anyone would take that option but idk. #mostly i'm just fond of the idea of giving high school students a sense of autonomy over their grades n education #like another reason why i think the 'do you want hw to count to your grades?' question should be re-asked at the start of quarters or w/e #is bc sometimes we also make mistakes! and evaluate consequences wrong. or situations change!! so they should be allowed to change things #how much would hw count for if they made it worth anything is honestly not smth i'm sure abt rn tbh #but i also know that i like. would also not even grade their hw on correctness just on completion anyway #a number of my high school teachers did that; bc the point was that we were responsible for ensuring its correctness #they all knew that kids would copy off each other and if that's how you learn. go for it!! my ap calc teacher openly acknowledged this!!! #anyway good lord i really do have limitless rants n tedtalks abt education in me lmao i need to sleebies now #so i can study for my calc quiz tmrw morning ( •̀ ω •́ )y

[whysamwhy123]

Seeing as I'm not going to ever write it now due to Recent Events, I've decided to babble on here about this terrible idea I had for a big, elaborate comedy/crack fic. If I had been able to pull it off, I would have wanted to post it on either Halloween or April Fools Day because it's very much supposed to be dumb. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

Keeping with my inability to come up with good titles, it was tentatively called ''Who Killed Tony Khan? A Hookhausen Mystery!''. At a company party where most of the AEW roster are gathered, Tony's giving a speech where he makes a mean joke about Danhausen, who decides to curse him. Tony then promptly dies on the spot, so now everyone thinks Danhausen is a murderer, no matter how much he insists the curse wasn't supposed to do that. He swears he's innocent. But no one's convinced. Other than Hook, that is. Naturally, Hook wants to clear the name of the man he loves so he and Danhausen have to team up once again, put on their detective hats and try to figure out what really happened to their boss and who's the true culprit. So the whole fic would have been a goofy romp with these two looking for clues, interrogating their co-workers and slowly piecing together the mystery. Obviously, it's not gonna happen now - I probably wouldn't have written it anyway because I'm nowhere near talented or smart enough to write a compelling mystery, but given the Stuff That's Happened recently, the whole inciting incident to that story now seems a lot less goofy and a lot more...distasteful. Plus, the dumb joke I was going to make at the end as a way to Deus Ex Machina the conflict away wouldn't work at all now (if you're curious, DM me about it, but fair warning, it's probably not funny to anyone other than me. And it's outdated now, anyway.)

Also...there were gonna be so many cocaine jokes in this fic. Like, enough that you could have made a drinking game out of it...

The thing is though...I still really want to write some kind of Hookhausen mystery fic! I don't know why but I really like the idea of Hook getting dragged into a situation so out of his element (like solving a fucking murder case - not exactly something in his usual wheelhouse) but willingly throwing himself into it because he just has to clear Danhausen's name. Why, yes, Acts of Service is one of my love languages, how did you know? So the more extreme examples of that, the better!

Hell, maybe I go even more out there and make it some kind of Film Noir AU. Hook as this young but still hard-boiled private eye, roped into some strange criminal plot with a heavy supernatural twist, thanks to Actual Demon Danhausen. I don't know, I just love dumb stuff like that, feels like it could be fun to play around with *shrugs*

#What is wrong with you Sam you should not be allowed to write #You know the drill folks - more of me rambling on and on and on about the weird fic ideas that I'll never write #You have been warned #And boy did I go off on this one JEEZ LOUIZE! #Whenever I make posts like this I always imagine myself as a crazy old person rocking back and forth in my chair #Ranting and raving to the empty squalid home around me as if there was someone actually listening #Which...honestly that's exactly what I'm doing here...yikes. #I shouldn't be thinking about ideas like this seeing as I literally can't write anything right now #And haven't for weeks at this point #But sometimes my autistic brain just latches onto something stupid and will not let go #So yeah Film Noir Hookhausen Supernatural Murder Mystery AU what a fucking embarrassment I am LOL

[darkclouds-rainsounds]

More of this

The first image was moreso supposed to depict a slightly pissed off Volo whose only tell that he's angry is the minute waver of his illusion, hence the ends of his hair being faded and the part that sticks out of his bun is wispy. Alas, I effectively failed in portraying that both in terms of expression and because I have little skill in drawing side-profiles. Also the first image is him topless because I don't really know how to draw clothing on a side profile and have barely enough knowledge of anatomy to go 'fuck it ┐( ˘_˘)┌'.

Second Image I tried to do what I failed in the first and I guess??? it turned out okay??

H.Zoroark!Volo aside, the first image is also just how I headcanon him to look in terms of body type and being more scarred.

#【𝙿 𝚁 𝙸 𝚂 𝙼】 #i have difficulty fathoming how some ppl look at volo and not see him as muscular in some manner??? #like‚ some ppl do draw him thin or w/ an average body type but it doesn't click that it also means they perceive him as not physically #strong. bc in so many medias a character is basically your average joe but is strong af so there's dissonance in my brain that carries #across several different kinds of media. it's only when i undoubtedly see someone portray him as not that strong i go ?????? #to me‚ personally‚ i /cannot/ perceive him as anything other than muscular given 1. he lugs that heavy ass backpack around /everywhere/ #sure‚ he may or may not have it always stocked with supplies since he we only ever see him /actually/ do his job once ever but every time #we see him he's carrying that thing that if it isn't filled with stock‚ is filled with supplies for himself and his growing team of pokemon #which i would think wouldn't exactly lead to a light weight. (+ there's the spooky plate which itself doesn't weigh that much but it's #still weight) 2. he travels all of hisui by foot at least most of the time. we see that there are carts(?) that the guild members can ride #in that are pulled by pokemon so they don't have to walk those long distances all the time. volo is a loner within the guild somewhat #he's usually seen doing his own thing and checking out ruins and other things of his interest and only halfheartedly attends to his job as #a merchant. in order for him to do that period he would have to act alone and travel of his own accord bc the guild certainly wouldn't #allow it. you can also explicitly see in his concept art of him in his arceus outfit that he has /really/ big thighs which‚ like‚ no duh #and 3. THIS IS /HISUI/. these are times still long in the past! it'd be a miracle for any adult to be scarless given how dangerous those #times were. and again i reiterate: volo travels mostly /on his own/ he at least a lot of the time has no one but himself and his pokemon #to defend him and at the time we meet him a he has but only a single baby togepi! i honestly just have the firm belief of gamefreak being #a coward. i wouldn't really think that if gaeric and fucking /irida/ didn't look like twigs despite living in a place that has constant sub #zero temperatures. WHERE IS THEIR FAT? WHY DO THEY LOOK LEAN? GAMEFREAK HAS SHOWN THAT THEY CAN MAKE FAT/BUFF CHARACTERS. WHAT HAPPENED #you: it's literally pokemon‚ my guy. me: ←struggles to have a suspension of disbelief bc i have a hard time comprehending things that don't #make sense #edit: first mention of stocked w/ supplies i meant selling stock not personal

[child-of-leviathan]

It sucks when you're the fucking therapist friend and hear all about your single friends' struggles with finding the right man for them and they'll come complaining, venting, ranting to me about it but I can't just have a conversation about how much I miss my best fucking friend, my soulmate, my fucking mirror, the person who essentially saved my life. You can love many people in a multitude of ways, and even though our paths split for some time, he'll always be my best friend

#ive tolerated hearing the identical story 18393820 times but i dont feel allowed to talk about someone i miss #ive given the same advice that if followed they wouldnt have fallen into the same trap again and again #ive listened to hours of voice recordings happy mad sad bawling anything #but it makes them uncomfortable to hear my unconditional love for this individual that changed my fucking life #the one person who successfully kicked my ass to get treatment for my addiction #the person who truly saw me and heard me like no other is capable of #not because anyone else is lesser but simply because the connection differs #and no connection will be like that connection i had with him #he would gladly let me call him whilst on holidays because my mentally ill brain wanted to fuck over my life and he would help distract me #he helped make it ok #he was there when others werent or just couldnt #and i miss him so much #i miss talking to him whenever #i miss gaming together #i miss the stories and the nights spent watching movies series or simply me watching him game #i miss the deep conversations #i miss the feeling truly and deeply understood #i miss all the value he brought into my life #i miss him #i miss my best friend #personal

[ectoplasmer]

voicing how I get insecure over the fact that I can’t handle horror as well as the bakurae can because i’m a wimp and having a 50/50 chance of being met with a response like “oh no that’s fine!! that just means you’re more sane than me” or “you haven’t seen nor experienced nearly the amount things I have but yes you are a wimp”

#</3 #i just…. get worried that i’m letting them down if i’m not enjoying weird creepy things like they do #i can handle horror movies because that’s more of a ‘controlled’ environment and i know it’s fake #it’s more like… those youtube videos that talk about analog horror or unsolved mysteries etc #sometimes even those videos that are meant to be art projects #the ones that seem more grounded in reality if that makes sense?? #heck i say that but i still get spooked by videos about lost media o_o #listen. as a child who had unlimited access to the internet at a young age #that dumb candle cove creepypasta literally ruined me #anyway i know it really doesn’t matter because i love them and i’m pretty sure they’d still love me even if i can’t handle some scary things #but my brain is mean and never allows me to live down anything so #i personally think bakura would like having an excuse to act all tough and protective for me #(even if the body he inhabits probably has a vitamin d deficiency lol)/lh #he’s kind of been stripped of everything that made him powerful and threatening #so if he gets to still behave as such towards nonexistent threats over his fraidy-cat of a girlfriend i think he’d be satisfied <3 #and i know ryou would be happy to cuddle me until i calmed down #he’d probably be just as enthusiastic about explaining what the media means/how it was made/etc as he would be watching it :) #it’d… also probably make him feel good getting to ‘protect’ me from those kinds of fears lol #anyway (x2). why did typing this out actually calm me down a little #woahhh distraction methods actually work what a surprise #anyway hi tumblr i’m alive happy new year hope you’re all doing well <333 #spooky ghosts #four of spades

[kalloway]

Me: ‘Be productive so ppl don’t forget u exist! :’)’ Also me: ‘what if I start a third video game this week and don’t finish/post *anything*? 🤔’

#delete later #the funniest part is that none of these are the one game I SHOULD be playing cbdhgfvfhdf #on the bright side tho... procrastinating on that game means I may just talk myself into rewatching jojo again #IF im lucky lmao #cuz like watchin it with other people ain’t gonna happen now but im completely useless writing fics atm #but all the games im stuck playing rn also give me major mush brain #Stardew won’t AS bad if I start it too but idk #none of it is anything worth posting about and i just... I miss talking to ppl about stuff #this is a personal blog dang it - I’m not an artist full-time I just do that shit for fun bro #I should be allowed to talk and say dumb unimportant stuff no one asked for... right? #but I have this problem with my actual friends too where I feel like everything I say should be like #meaningful or funny or productive inSOME way... cuz I donlt wanna be a boring friend more than I already think i am 😂🙈 #but I digress.... input on a stardew farm i should pick for a fresh start is v welcome hehe #rn im working on finishing up Secret of Mana tho... the grind SUCKS but it HAS made it way easier #Im tempted to try the sequel after this too but idk... I’m so attached to this one I worry it’ll be hard to do hahaha

[pixiesfondlingmyballs]

i think everybody should have a hand craft. something where they sit and create with their hands. preferably something physical simply for the pure joy of getting to hold ur creations. fucking. get back into perler beads like you did when you were 7 bro, go make shit with ur hands!

#finishing crochet projects makes my brain release all the good happy accomplishment chemicals #its like stupid. here i am holding the roundest lil creature known to man. and brain becomes sparkles and glitter #like any nd person. i have trouble completing projects. but the reward is so wonderful #with crochet. i just dont allow myself to take the project off the hook. cant start a new project if my favorite hook is occupied #i also have monkey brain but some kinda bonkers obsessive issues. so i make it a /thing/ to finish the project and make it /good/ #the only think keeping my monkey brain from being debilitating are my obsessive tendencies #all my isms run in my family. and. the final outcome is always addiction of some sort. but my dad and i have made it work #i should clarify that im not currently addicted to anything. it's just like. what the pattern says will eventually happen #technically. have been addicted before so. already happened. but itll prolly happen again #look. the point. the point is. that everyone deserves to have really good physical hobbies that they get to commit to #commitment is hard but committing to your crafts. even one that only slightly intrigues you. is so worth it #i actually hate crochet half the time. and then i finish a project. and its like the lil animal crossing sparkle emote #i feel as passionately about this as i do the importance of one weekly irl friend interaction and daily outside time #which. ik i havent talked about here before. but like. brain and body will appreciate all of it #if u can go more than a week without seeing ur best friend and feel fine. then you are a stronger man than my bff and i #it's like 5 days for us and then we both start to get antsy. which. u wouldn't think happen since we talk 24/7 anyways #and and! outside time. daily outside time. i walk around my house perimeter if i have nothing else outside to do #its stupid and i hate it but ooga booga brain needs to be in sun otherwise brain shut down #i quite literally hate getting the motivation to do it. but then i go back inside afterwards and feel so happy. and its so stupid #brain and body so complex and also so not all at once. trials and tribulations

[aftermathing]

The worst thing about suffering is that it still hurts when the danger is over but no one cares about it anymore because it shouldn't hurt. No one will ever say "I'm sorry that happened to you" especially when they barely say "I'm sorry that's happening."

#Okay to tb btw all the personal stuff is in the tags #Like. Not eating for a week because you couldn't get groceries hurts #and people will say 'oof sorry that's happening' but then #after you're able to get food no one will ever say 'I'm sorry that happened' even though you think about it and hurt from it constantly. #No one will ever say ':( that must have been so hard' because you're fine now right???? No psychological damage there????? #This example is stupid but I do think about it every time I feel hungry. I told people I wasn't able to get groceries #and there was no food in my house. And they said. Oof. #Instead of idk Oh God Are You Okay ?? #No one cares when you've been abused your entire life and behave the way you do out of genuine terror because your brain is fucked forever #They don't say 'I'm sorry that happened it must have been really scary to turn you into Such An Asshole. I pity you like a dog :(' #Speaking of man everyone loves fucked up abused terrified dogs and wants to be the one who makes them open up #And shows them that people can be good and kind and that touch doesn't have to hurt #But everyone is scared of fucked up abused terrified people #Humans are capable of harm even more than dogs and fear is understandable but. #Can you please call me good boy and shush me and tell me nothing's going to hurt me and let me curl up on your lap #And not hit me if I get scared and start to growl and feed me good and take me on walks and play with me #Even though I'm not very fun to play with and I'm still learning what's fun and what's mean and what's a toy and what's a hand #Plleeeaaase don't be jealous of a dog that doesn't eat good don't say 'tch he's so thin what am I doing wrong' #I want to eat good and grow and gain fat and be warm and be comfortable I don't want this #Don't say 'if abused dogs don't eat good then I don't deserve to either' no no no no eat good so you can take care of us both #Please please please I learned so many tricks to make people happy and call me smart but I don't actually know how to do anything I'm #Literally like such a stupid dog it takes me like one day of no one paying attention to me for me to become un-housebroken #I make a lot of mistakes even though I know better or I really should know better #And sometimes do things wrong on purpose to get attention either yelling or showing me how to do it right #But most of the time I genuinely don't know how to do stuff because I was never taught or I was taught and #My previous owners said 'this is how it is. It is this way because it is and it is forever. The answer is Because.' #'now quit asking repetitive questions before I pop you' #If I do something Because and not know the reason why I'm doing it that's not learning that's acting #Especially habits taught specifically to hurt me and not being allowed to question it or know why I'm being hurt #Oh my god I acted out so much when I was younger and all my friends were so disgusted and hurt by me and yelled at me every day

[alexthetrashyracoon]

Simon wants to marry you.

This fact was as clear as rain on his mind. You were the love of his life, he was ready to settle down with you and grow old.

So Simon prepared everything for that special day, it was your fourth year anniversary and Simon wants to ask you the biggest question someone could ask and he hoped, maybe even prayed despite not believing in any higher deity, that you would say 'yes' to his proposal.

He has planned out the whole day, from the moment you woke to the moment you would close your eyes for the night again, everything was supposed to be perfect.

Simon brings you breakfast in bed, watching your smile brighten when you see the freshly pressed orange juice and the fresh buns, still warm from the bakery. "Happy Anniversary." He whispers before slipping back into bed behind you, pulling you between his legs and stealing some of the freshly cut Mango from your plate.

When breakfast is over, you two made a mess out of each other while trying to feed each other, he scoops you up and carries you into the bathroom, telling you to get ready and that he has a lot of plans for today which causes you to become perceptive. Immediately starting to question him about his plans, but he's still a trained soldier, he withstands your flow of questions.

Another plan of Simon for today was bringing you to a fair, the same one you two met four years ago.

Here he wanted to ask you to marry him, on top of the Ferris wheel where you two had been stuck together four years ago due to a technical issue with the electronic.

But after spending a few hours walking the fair ground, having to walk back to his car once to bring Lord Otto from Otterson, the plush Otter he won you at one of the stupid and usually very rigged fair games, to safety and out of the way. You make it to the Ferris wheel and Simon's face fell.

"Out of order..." He breathes and runs a hand through his short blonde hair, staring up at the still standing wheel and the dangling cable cars.

"Damn." You curse softly next to him and scratch your neck. "Well, maybe we can ride it another day, mhm?"

"Yeah, maybe. Well, we can't change anything now." He chuckles and squeezes the velvety box in his back pocket. Keeping it safe until you two would reach the next destination.

The small restaurant by the corner where you two lived was filled with loud voice, happy laughter, children running around, not that Simon minded, he knew you were a very outgoing person and enjoyed the social interactions from such evenings.

Simon had reserved a table a few weeks ago and the waiter brings you and him over, Simon shushing the poor man who just wants to help you sit.

He is your boyfriend, bloody hell, he can do something so simple as helping you get seated.

"I know it is our anniversary, Simon," You chuckle as you put down the glass of wine Simon has ordered for you and him, "But something feels different. I just don't know what. Special..."

"Four years is just a long time, love. Maybe your brain finally catches up with... wha-?" Simon wants to be cheesy with you before asking you the question of all questions when suddenly his feet feel wet and he looks down, seeing water come from the kitchen.

His second attempt of asking for your hand has been sabotaged by a broken water pipe.

Simon curses internally as he carries you back outside, not wanting to get your feet wet and cause you catching some flu.

Well, there is only the romantic walk through the nearby park which is empty around this time of the night, so you two can walk around the pond and watch the fireflies and swans before he can go down on one knee and finally ask.

But before he even get you through the sturdy iron gates that allowed entrance to the park, his phone rang, Prices' number on the screen and everything in Simon screams to ignore his Captain for the sake of your relationship and your future.

He apologizes and takes the call, listening to Price explaining that they've got information about a certain Russian Terrorist planning an attack and that they had to meet within the next hour.

"It's fine." You reassure him when he brings you back to your shared apartment, squeezing his hand with a gentle smile on your lips. "I had a lot of fun today with at my side. And saving the world is much more important. We can celebrate another time, Si."

"You're too forgiving." Simon replies and presses his chapped lips against your forehead. "But it's not fine. I had the whole day planned out. And the universe seems against me at all, bloody hell. All I wanted to do tonight was asking you to marry me. And everything I've tried blew. The Ferris Wheel, the restaurant, even the walk..."

You cut him off before he can talk himself into a frenzy by wrapping your arms around his neck, having to stand on your tiptoes and planting your lips on his.

"Yes." You grin when you pull back. "Yes, I will marry you, Simon Riley. I will marry you."

Maybe he should have simply asked you this morning during breakfast, might have saved him from getting another grey hair on his head. But sometimes the simple answer is hidden behind the complicated ideas.

#simon riley #simon ghost riley #simon riley x you #ghost x you #cod x gn!reader #cod mwii #cod mw2 #simon riley x reader