#and my anxiety goes away

[femme-malewife]

Hm hm~

#im lost in my own memories as well as recounting what my mother has told me #i will admit i do not fully recall things from before i was 5. but i do have some vague memories. i KNOW Part of Your World was the... #well...first song i ever memorized. i remember putting the movie in my vhs player and rewinding the song . waiting. then pushing play again #to listen to the song and sing along with it. i would sing With ariel. i spent hours doing this with plenty of songs :) #until i got the hang of it and could perfectly (or as perfectly as a prek age kid can) sing it. i did this with a LOT of songs from movies #i sang disney. i sang barbie. (most specifically “free” from princess and the pauper. tbh tho i mostly sang Barbies part and not Ericas???) #but i did sing all of the other girl parts in that movie... #anyway. i joined choir come middle school. was in varsity. joined the highest choir a little 1st year in HS can join when i got into HS #something i still hold pride in bc we had tryouts for it :) i had multiple solos for choir concerts. in my 2nd year of HS i was bumped up #to Chorale choir (aka THE highest choir...intermingling boys and girls) and i even tried out for Show Choir #which you can only try out if you are in Acapella (the highest a freshman can be in) or Chorale. and only 10 to 12 girls make it in #and i made it in :) #sure by then i felt overshadowed but i had a ton of fun :) i quit choir my last two years bc... #well. i was pursuing a possible medical career via classes #but i still sing to this day. its so Relaxing and releases SO much serotonin. and tbh whats the weirdest part..? #when i try to record myself singing i get all nervous. but the moment i hold a microphone? even if im recording? my confidence shoots up #and my anxiety goes away #i love the stage. i love singing. idc if its ''cringe'' or im a Horrible person for ''loving disney'' but without disney songs? #i might not have grown into the person i am with singing as my biggest passion #so YES im going to see TLM live action in theaters. I. Dont. Care. if people think the movie sucks before they even see it #that shit SHAPED my childhood

[gathoscorner]

I wouldve like to know what happened after the yiga memory in botw but before Daruks journal entry..

Zelda apologizing while still projecting her insecurities on him is something i think about a lot

#gathosart #breath of the wild #Zelink #This one is actually a really old wip #Like.. 3 year old lmao jut i still like it a lot #posting in hopes my online anxiety goes away✨

[starflungwaddledee]

this is a long shot and i'm sorry to ask, but if you don't mind, can mutuals (or contacts or regulars... just... this community) of mine who aren't jumping ship like... let me know? will any of us still be here? is it over? i'm trying to know if this really is it or what's... even happening. i hate to reassurance seek but i'm feeling pretty miserable and confused.

edit: felt like i was being really pitiful and fragile making this but everybody is being so nice to me and responding so patiently with all your thoughts and i'm in tears of gratitude thank you thank you thank you 💖

#i glanced and thought they brought out a feature so that we could turn off ai access #that seemed... okay? i thought? but now i'm really confused. i don't know. i'm so tired and scared. i just can't... keep doing this #i know this is stupid but this feels like it's my fault. #it happens every time i find something. if i'm happy somewhere. it just.... poof. goes away. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry #on the edit: i would only *ever* think this about myself. double standards that i hold for myself are high. i expect emotional control #& performance from myself only. i would never think badly of anyone else being stressed about this or anything. thank you for your kindness #this community has been so beautiful and kind at every turn. i'm so grateful to get to be here and meet you all #okay... being really sappy now. y'all get to see my anxiety first hand today!! whee!! anyway. i'll get it together. haha! thank you.

[pastafossa]

*heavy breathing* I decided to try to find a workaround for the long covid brain fog tonight.

Aka a new pot pot strain a friend recced to see if it would help me out with this.

It worked.

Do you know how well?

I just came up from a fucking five hour writing spree.

I'd planned to edit TRT's new chapter. And I did for a bit. But it wasn't enough. I had that itch, one that had been rattling around under my skin for months.

I needed to CREATE.

I NEEDED TO WRITE.

So I turned my eyes to the Raven fic's final chapter, where I'd been slowly working on adding the new scenes I wanted and redoing a few to match the new ones.

I didn't just enter the writing zone. I blew that fucking door off its hinges. I saw the scenes in my mind's eye, and I typed the words that came, and even when the words didn't show up, I waved it off, slapped in a placeholder, and blew past it. My hyperfocus latched on like a gator and did fifty thousand death rolls.

I wrote FOUR. POINT. EIGHT. THOUSAND. WORDS.

IN FIVE HOURS.

I may have forgotten to drink or eat anything so that's familiar too

This proves it. Getting TRT's new chapter written, if not edited, proved the words were still there in my head. And THIS proves I can still enter that miracle zone that makes everything worth it oh god i missed the zone. As best I can tell looking over it, this didn't fix my 'what word did I want here???' problem that I continue to struggle with. I still have a lot of placeholder words. But what it did do was remove my frustration, my anxiety, and my long pauses when I couldn't find a word I wanted. It was far easier to just continue on. It also gave me, for just a few hours, the ability to focus, enough that even as it slowly wore off I'd built enough momentum to keep going for a while.

Now I just gotta find a way to get there more regularly like I used to, without the herby nudge. Tomorrow I'll try the same thing though, only with editing instead, now that my itch has been thoroughly scratched.

And if anyone hears triumphant howling tomorrow evening, just know that it is I, Pasta, summoning the words again.

#I WAS THERE I FOUND THE ZONE #now i gotta edit trt's chapter so we'll see how that goes #hoooooly shit that was satisfying #even if it looked a bit different than how i used to write #my use of placeholder words still bothers me a bit because like #i already had to manage my adhd and now i gotta manage this too and it's a reminder my brain got scrambled by the plague #and that i don't know if it'll go away #but i think workarounds will be key for a while #i *can't* write the same way as before. i need to adapt #so this tells me i need to focus on placeholders and not letting anxiety use them to gatekeep the zone #i'm not sure about how to fix my focus yet but i'll keep trying #either way this was a satisfying experiment and I am SO HAPPY

[brittie-frog]

I want to scream about Empanada so much!!!

I've read all the twitter theory threads about her being the eldest and having to put on that strong front and pretend she's fine to protect her siblings on egg island and thats why she acts the way she does with new people and why Sunny and Pepito look up to her so much. Now she's in a new place with 4 mums that say they love and care for her and that this new island is meant to be safe but there's this new enemy they're all stressing about and she's still keeping up that strong front so Sunny doesn't panic and still feels safe. And then when it may have finally come to an end one of her mums is there unlike every other time @v@ has been but its a mum who has a second kid and Em believes that Richas is in need of support more since its his dad so she continues to act fine. It's Sunny that steps up and has to ask Tubbo where Bagi is and stares at her until she comes over because Em wants to act like she's okay with everything and give that space to Richas and Bagi to talk.

And Bagi's new to being a parent, nevermind of two, and doesn't understand what she's doing because Em won't talk about it. It's the sibling angst where they're gonna have to have a sit down talk separately and no side is wrong they all have trauma.

#i fucking hate egg angst #/j #im fucking crying in my kitchen as my food goes cold over fucking pixels #i swear if none of her other mums log on the week Bagi is away #shes needs a safe space with one of her mums to actually talk about her feelings #like that one with mouse last week anoit anxiety #a space to just talk about everything for as long as she wants #tubbo and sunny works as a distraction to help her enjoy #but shes still gonna have moments where she is on guard whenever anything comes near her or her siblings #qsmp #qsmp bagi #qsmp empanada #no shot tubbo just guessed empanada is a bottler immediately #and now sunnys mad at bagi... #the angst right before the new year

[klaissance]

walk with me here you guys ahem,

Keith and Lance finally have The TalkTM on a day like most others. The paladins go about their business on the castleship, Keith and Lance mostly doing their activities together as has become, without their really noticing, habit. Keith flips through the pages of one of Allura's Altean romance novels on one end of the couch, Lance plays a video game on the handheld console he and Pidge found at a thrift store the last time they'd stopped off at a space mall from the other end. At some point they wander to the kitchen and make Hunk's latest attempt at space popcorn. They throw the pieces at each other, trying to break their previous streak record of 106 popcorn-mouth-catches. When they run out, they pelt each other with kernels until they collapse on the kitchen floor, out of breath and laughing. They clean up their mess together. They train, talk team strategy, help Coran out with some cleaning. They visit Hunk and Pidge in the lion bay and are promptly kicked out for causing trouble (neither of them can seem to keep their hands to themselves, always touching pieces and parts and projects, and inevitably something falls over and Pidge is yelling and they're scrambling away, giggling as they run down the hall). The paladins eat dinner, everyone hangs out together for a while, and life in space is pretty good.

Lance and Keith are often the last two left in the lounge as people split off--either to go to bed or to work on something independently until the wee hours (Pidge). They're chatting, swapping stories, arguing about silly hypotheticals, until Lance yawns mid-sentence and Keith knows it's time for bed. They stand together and walk to their rooms in warm silence, close enough to brush shoulders, neither changing trajectory to avoid the contact. They stop in the space between their doors to say goodnight; this, too, is normal. They smile small smiles at each other and linger, time stretchy in the way it is at nighttime.

And then something new happens.

"Keith," Lance says slowly, like he's turning the word over in his mouth for the first time. "Would you ever want--"

Keith's heart stutters in his chest and the silence of the empty hallway is suddenly deafening. Lance only hesitates for a beat but it stretches.

"--to go on a space date," Lance finishes, brows unknitting as he seems to consider what just came out of his mouth. Finding it acceptable, he nods, then lifts his gaze from the floor to meet Keith's wide-eyed gaze. "With me," Lance adds, an afterthought but an important clarification nonetheless, quirking an eyebrow.

Keith purses his lips for a moment that pulls like taffy into an eternity and it's Lance's turn to hear the ocean roaring in his ears as he waits. "Would that make us--"

Lance can't breathe.

"--space boyfriends?" Keith finishes and the air rushes from Lance's lungs, something like relief. Keith is smiling his mischievous smile, the crooked one that puts a spark in his eyes. It is among Lance's favorite Keith expressions (there are many).

"Yeah, I guess we'd be space boyfriends," Lance concedes, biting down on his lower lip to keep his grin from spreading too far. He's not doing a very good job.

"Hm." Keith nods solemnly. "Space boyfriends it is, then."

"Cool," Lance concludes eloquently.

"Cool," Keith echoes, and then they're standing in ooey gooey marshmallow silence, grinning softly at each other for a long time or maybe no time at all. Keith feels very warm and melty on the inside. Lance thinks he could run a marathon and not break a sweat.

"Alrighty then, g'night Space Boyfriend," Lance breaks the silence with a two-fingered salute and shuffles backwards towards his door.

Keith rolls his eyes without meaning to, affection heating his face despite himself. "Goodnight, Lance." He turns towards his door, grinning to himself as Lance snorts. Their doors slide open, their doors slide shut.

***

Hours later, Lance slips out of bed, buzzing with the news, and appears, bouncing uncontrollably on his toes and biting on the biggest grin, at Hunk's door. Hunk is rubbing blearily at his half-lidded eyes when he door slides open and he takes in the sight of Lance, practically glowing. Hunk blinks once. Twice. Does a little mental math. And it hits him. His eyes go wide and his mouth makes a little o, eyebrows leaping up his forehead.

"No... No." And Lance is nodding vigorously, eyes shining with unshed happiness, and that bit lip is barely withholding the giggle that threatens to erupt from the vibrating blue paladin. Hunk scoops him into the biggest bear hug, shouting "TELL ME EVERYTHING RIGHT NO-" and the door slides shut behind them, Lance's peals of laughter ricocheting down the halls.

Keith is awake in his room, sitting on the floor with his back up against the door, pressing a grin so wide it hurts into his knees. He rolls his eyes affectionately when he hears Hunk's muffled delight and finally stands up to go to bed.

#this really got away from me hm but here we are #ok normally i have like performance anxiety about posting my writing anywhere but here goes i guess #a little stream of consciousness klance for the soul #klance #klance ficlet #my writing #idk what to label this as i never post anything serious but this got sort of serious #lmk what you think if you want i hope it is satisfying #it's like weirdly serious for them but idk I felt soft #vld #space gays #gays in space #lance mcclain #keith kogane #hunk garrett #vld fic #i would like to write and post it more #i would also like to edit lol but that was not the vibe this evening #please enjoy this offering

[densewentz]

exhausted health update because I have to rant somewhere lol

So we're ending day 12 of my mysterious right-sided numbness. It's moved from just my torso all the way down my right leg to my toes, so now I'm just hobbling around half numb rip. And now the torso numbness feels like im being vacuum sealed or something, just a horrible tightness and lack that makes it impossible to ignore. Went to the ER the other night and had 2 panic attacks within the span of the several hours I was there, got my bloodwork redone and a cat scan which all came back with a big Nothing on them. They told me I needed an MRI but that I'd have to go through my Primary Care and after I told them my primary wouldnt see me until May they referred me to a new primary not in my network so that's been a dead end rip. So far everyone is pointing at my horrific anxiety as the cause but not one doctor has actually offered me help for the anxiety despite me having the active panic attacks in the office lol. My Primary wont see me for several months despite the severity of my current condition and none of the mental health programs I've reached out to will get back to me so for now I'm just. Existing in this anxiety Ouroboros where my anxiety causes my numbness which causes anxiety which causes numbness. I'm trying stupid home remedies to try and minimize the active anxiety attacks but so far we've just been circling around alternating Holy Basil, Benadryl and literally just drinking Rum and going to sleep, which sure all help my anxiety a little maybe but also make it almost impossible for me to function normally during the day. This is making art difficult so commissions are going slow which is obviously making me more anxious lol. I also am home alone most of the week managing the household, which is made more difficult since right now the numbness in my foot/leg makes it dangerous for me to drive and difficult for me to get around my house to do daily tasks. Idk man I'm just tired as all hell and I seem to vacillate wildly between full anxiety breakdowns and depressive/dissociative episodes. At any rate during the week I'll just be constantly calling and harassing every doctor/therapist I can get a number for trying to find someone who will be able to either address my anxiety directly or can at least get me into an MRI to rule out MS or anything else that ISNT anxiety. I'm going to become the bane of the medical profession for a while. Wish me luck!

#personal #dense rants #medical stuff #ive been really absent headed and floaty today so im a little concerned im heading into a full dissociative episode but #guess we'll see #i moved from my temporary space in our spare room back into my normal room so that'll be interesting #and my weighted blanket idea backfired since i can only find my 30lb and not my 15lb #and the 30 is a little too constricting when im already half numb #my knee also feels like gelatin so walking has become.... precarious #but it is what it is i guess #here's hoping it goes away eventually #if anyone has any other weird back alley ways of handling their chronic and extreme anxiety hmu bc im basically ready to try anything lol #if nothing else i got the satisfaction of giving the double middle fingers to every family member and health professional #who couldnt FATHOM that all of my test results came back as a big No for diabetes #because as a fat girl obviously that's the only possible thing it could be #like im not even pre-diabetic im literally healthy as a horse aside from the numbness thing #so suck on that health and diet industry

[willowfey]

starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal

#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept #i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them #if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens #i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it #i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut #it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair #my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking #if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back #if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off #ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal #but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends #i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens #and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too #since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out #i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now #now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that #i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly. #if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill #in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it #my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes #sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know??? #but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested #i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore #i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world

[needylittlegirl]

i dont like the things going on right now ! ! ! !

#and by things i mean my cat acting weird #he hasnt been eating good or coming by me as much and hes been more vocal than usual #i dont usually get scared when he acts off for a day or two like hes a cat he goes through phases i know #but this time feels really really different and i dont know why #i cant tell if im just overthinking it or if it does feel different #im gonna try to find a vet that wont take my entire life savings for absolutely nothing but #im just scared #ive had a weird little ball of anxiety in my chest all day and i couldnt figure out what it was #until i watched him sniff his favorite food and just walk away #he didnt even come to see me :( #i dont wanna go to sleep what if something happens tonight #tbd

[sunsrefuge]

some day i will be brave enough to properly post again btw 👍

#just dealing with some mad anxiety and stressful life situations lol #sorry that ive been hiding in DMs and the shadows everybody ;w; 💖 #/rambling #(theres also. the everlasting feeling of ‘ive overstayed my welcome’ that i get all the time but. ya know!! #that never really goes away anyway BSUDJW) #(nothing i can do about that bitch except continue riding my surfboard 😎 hsjdbwkds)

[feywhimsy]

idk if i've said this before and idk if anyone cares but this blog is like 98% queued posts, just so everyone is aware

#basically polls and other time sensitive things get reblogged right away #everything else goes into the queue most of the time #sometimes i get nervous when i don't rb people's oc posts and stuff immediately like no i do love it #but i wanna make sure others see it in a few days once it makes it through the queue #so the post stays alive #on a related note my anxiety has been terribly bad today so i'm just nervous about everything and it's Bad #moxie.txt

[silenthillbunni]

🏫🍃🌥️

#oooof... sleep was rough bc my face was super itchy. all of a sudden i got rashes in my face yesterday ?!?!? i have NEVER gotten that wtffff #hopefully it's just temporary nd will go away. it's still a tiny bit itchy but not as bad as yesterday :o #istg my life is a JOKE!!!! a joke!!!! rashes?!? what? maybe stress nd anxiety?? idk it's wild tho i cant deal w this #so i couldnt really fall asleep but i rested for a few hours #then i got up. took my dog out. had oatmeal. called the surgeron clinic. #and like... i told them abt my weight and they said im underweight?! and that my bmi is 18.9 and u need to have 19.... #i told her that i cant gain weight bc i cant eat anything. that i cant have more fat than i already do bc then it hurts too much #she said she'll talk to the anesthesia doctors and call me later. she hasnt called yet #i rlly hope they understand the situation?? and that i can still have my surgery bc what else am i supposed to do??? #ughhhh why cant anything ever just be easy and smooth for me?? #i am sooooo tired of all these hardships piling on top of eo #then i walked to school.. took me an hour and im spent now bc im so weak nd malnutrioned skskskks #and im in class... it's a long one. still more than an hour left :'( my head hurts #ugh i just wanna be fine for once in my life #but yeah im like 75% thru all the hard things i need to do today #just need to finish class nd then walk home nd then hopefully get a call back and then i can relax (as much as i can lol) #i hope the itching goes down (still wtf is my body doing? i have no patience for it anymore) nd i hope im not too underweight for surgery om

[chaotic-queer-disaster]

on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being none and 10 being enough to cause a panic attack) how much anxiety do you have over being in a car, are there places/situations/times it gets worse, and do u have Anxiety. i'm testing something

#for me it's always probably like a 4 at least. whenever im in a car there's always a voice going ''you might die here'' #and when its winter it goes up to like 6 at least #and when we're over a bridge/river/water in general it's an 8 #and then one time this winter we were on an icy hill and it was a 10 i was crying and all that shit #and i have Some Type of anxiety (no real actual named diagnosis but the psychs said so) #i honestly feel like even though i have the ability to learn to drive i never will #the idea of it is like. this cold gripping panic in my gut that only goes away when i think ''im never going to do that''

[pinkseas]

no one:

girls who are in the middle of fending off an anxiety attack and have been for the past couple hours: what if i wrote xiaolumi

#i NEED to write bbfs like i NEED to. but xlmi is the Comfort dynamic the Comfort writing.......... #aly.writing #tomorrow should be the worst of The November Thing and then SURELY i go back to normal. and the anxiety explodes. #surely. surely. surely. surely. <- sososo scared but also in the past it always goes away after The One Thing soooo #in the meantime. xlmi au my best friend ever #xlmi posting

[theygender]

This has been on my mind for weeks and I talked to my therapist about it today and told my girlfriend about it too so now it's time for me to update the gay people in my phone: I may have schizotypal personality disorder

#this is like the equivalent of telling the bees to me #rambling #like ive been thinking about ever since i learned that autism shares a lot of similarities with schizophrenia and looked into that #and then learned about negative/cognitive symptoms and realized i related a lot to them #and then i learned more about schizotypal personality disorder and it was fuckin scary how much i related to it #what with the magical thinking and the severe social anxiety that doesnt go away when i get to know someone #and the ideas of reference and the eccentricity and the communication difficulties and the strange thought patterns #and then i specifically learned about avolition as a negative symptom which describes the exact thing thats ruining my life rn #and. i was scared to talk to my therapist about it bc i was worried it could be used against me somehow #but it was good to talk it out with her and get some additional perspective on whats going on in my brain #and if it means i could maybe possibly work on fixing the avolition and the social anxiety (my two biggest issues for years) #then it would be 100% worth it tbh. and its also kind of helpful to have some sort of framework to understand whats happening in my brain #funnily enough when i told my girlfriend (who was previously mis?diagnosed with schizophrenia and considering autism) #about it she related a lot too. so i guess we'll see how that goes #its. crazy how much of an overlap there is between schizospec orders and autism #i feel like i might should write up a post going into detail about different schizospec disorders to raise awareness #bc like. it is so much more than just hallucinations and delusions #in fact its not even required to have both of those for any schizospec disorder. some only require one and others dont require either #there is so much to the schizophrenic spectrum that i was unaware of and I'm sure that's probably true of other people too

[newwave-lesbian]

i kind of feel like i will literally never have any real life friends again like what do i even do i am touch starved and pathetic

#oh yeah and my social anxiety only goes away with adderall #and i'm like ohhhh im so lonely im so bored what do i even do #but then i was like yaknow i'll smoke weed and talk to myself as usual while listening to my little duran duran #let's go lesbians let's go #they should invent a drug that fixes me and costs zero dollars amirte #i think i am gonna do shrooms tomorrow though....... #like i think i have a need to just uh.... figure shit out #i need to make a change and learn how to do things but my brain just.... refuses #because that's the autism slay. i hate change even though my life is going down the drain at this rate #anyways. maybe more drugs will fix me....... hahahahahaahahahss #i only want to live and do shit after i've smoked and that shit is so expensive. im passing away