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bigmoneypastelhalloween · 1 year

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youtube

[Part 1]

1 hr 1: if he has a bad feeling about something like with this transactional change: "I'll stand my ground"

1 hr 1 min 47: <2nd fanart drops, its really siq folkart>

1 hr 2: sip of coffee; vanilla latte. "Its light, but it still has that little kick. Which is good."

1 hr 3: time to kill a little time, peruse a little news

1 hr 3 mins 30: a thing about shortwave is some parts of the world have more listeners than elsewhere

1 hr 4: shortwave gets listened to by a variety of people for a variety of reasons; developing countries where people listen out of necessity, dictatorships where folks try to escape censorship, rural/remote is necessity again, alternative programming buffs, technical spec-heads

1 hr 5: what shortwave is, again

1 hr 6: magical coverage area of shortwave

1 hr 8: how voa uses shortwave to flout censorship

1 hr 9: shortwaves heyday ended with the collapse of the soviet union, the fall of the berlin wall etc

1 hr 9 mins 30: internet killed the shortwave radiostar

1 hr 10: shortwave listeners probably still number in the tens or hundreds of millions he figures, highly clustered in key areas

1 hr 10 mins 33: shortwaves key listenerships are in rural south america, especially the amazon, also cuba, areas of africa especially nigeria, west africa...mentions yemen

1 hr 12: why ukraine didnt come up

1 hr 14: there might be 10s of thousands of shortwave listeners in ukraine rn not 100s like some ppl think

1 hr 15: lots of stories come up about shortwave popping off in ukraine if you google it tho

1 hr 16: all that coverage is about the bbc resuming broadcasts to ukraine

1 hr 17: "what if i told you bbc ended broadcasts to ukraine 3 months ago and zero people even noticed"

1 hr 20: projected bbc audience of 5000 for that broadcast that stopped in Sept

1 hr 21: people will believe whatever you tell them about shortwave

1 hr 21 mins 30: Ukrainians probably listen more to am and fm radio

1 hr 22: shortwave in ukraine is a thing of the past

1 hr 23: international broadcasters are ditching their transmissions ro ukraine due to lack of listenership

1 hr 25: some people might be disappointed that there wasn't a big shortwave comeback in ukraine

1 hr 26: there ARE russian listeners

1 hr 28: indie stations targetting russia instead of ukraine are still on the air, "because im sure theyre getting the listener response to justify it". Vatican radio to russia, nhk, still going

1 hr 30: a smalltime station targetting russia went off the air and there were listeners talking about it online, in contrast to the "radio silence" wrt bbcs ukraine brodcast disappearing

1 hr 31: if you want to target that part of the world go for russia

1 hr 33: people actually notice some broadcasts ending eg radio australia

1 hr 34: "lets check the news". Ai art discourse. Johnboys problem is when automation is done "to excess"

1 hr 35: a while ago he brought up automation of long distance trucking and the truckers becoming obsolete; the response at the time "was unanimous against" what he was saying and in favor of automation

1 hr 36: granted being an artist and being a trucker are different but at core his concern applies to both; peoples jobs being taken over by a.i.

1 hr 37: its not just automated trucks freaking him out although they do, its the millions of people dependent on the industry as a source of income

1 hr 39: telling people to switch jobs to overseeing the a.i. is stupid. "Yeah i am being bitter"

1 hr 40: he shares the hostility to a.i. that artists fearing replacement have

1 hr 41: dont need to reject automation and a.i. completely "it can still be a useful force"

1 hr 42: people getting their jobs phased out is the way he see it heading, thats the writing on the wall as he reads it

1 hr 42 mins 30: tries to prioritize non-a.i. fanart but who's to know at a certain point

1 hr 43: w.h.o. director says china's covid spike not due to lifting restrictions

1 hr 44: brings up coverage of people being welded into their apartments, then how everyone was saying we should emulate chinese policy, then about a month ago it flipped to "everyone in the streets is brave for protesting"

1 hr 45: then china drops restrictions and the same outlets are like this is going to be dire, and johns like "what is it then, do you want them to do zero covid or do you not"

1 hr 46: death row last meal requests

1 hr 47: maybe texas doesnt do requests anymore

1 hr 48: in some cases he wonders why this tradition exists

1 hr 49: menu of the guy who ordered a ton and didnt eat it

1 hr 50: the salient point that a lot of executed inmates are possibly not mentally competent even to gauge their own appetite (tho of course it could just be a spite move to reject one's own order)

1 hr 51: one guy requested to watch lotr while he ate

1 hr 52: finishing the broadcast lets open up the email real quick

1 hr 53: movie buff email, john doesnt know how to say zine. Everyone says "zeen" like how its short for magazine. Bo burnham did a zine? And used johnboy on the cover? And wrote about him?

1 hr 54: hasnt seen any a24 movies. Aware of the zine. He provided the cover photo to them.

1 hr 55: quick general thank you email from macarena

1 hr 56: chinese blogger fattygoestoafrica was stabbed to death in nepal while livestreaming--allegedly by a rival influencer

1 hr 57: thats how seriously some people take social media these days

1 hr 57 mins 40: he was 29, "isnt that something"

1 hr 58: there was a guy he watched in 2020-21 who would be loud about his opinions in sanfran

1 hr 59: being loud about your opinions makes you a target

2 hrs: so one night this guy was ranting entertainingly around this city and two guys had an issue with him and stabbed him

2 hr 1: j keeps his distance from people in public in case they try to swing on him like that

2 hr 1 min 50: email about the denver airport conspiracy

2 hr 3: of course there are secret facilities out there

2 hr 4: mt weather?

2 hr 4 mins 38: to have that kind of thing at a place like denver airport? Maybe!

2 hr 5: probably not the smartest to make something in plain sight when theres so much space to use in the u.s., but sometimes "they" do stuff just to fuck with everyone

2 hr 6: he's of the belief that some of the people in high positions arent good people, and would therefore do stuff like gaslight people about the denver airport for fun. However its his opinion that the denver airport is just an airport

2 hr 7: close of show, thanks for listening

#vorw #reviewbrah #Youtube

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strawberrymilkgeorge · 3 years

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Part Ten. Faces

warnings: swearing, hate comments word count: 4.1k (not including pics)

behind the screen (irl dream x f!reader) series masterlist ultimate masterlist

A/N: sorry its late!!!! this feels rushed but i was just too excited to get to some parts!!! also i have had some parts written out for SO long that they dont even feel cute to me anymore so im literally praying to every deity rn that you guys think its cute lmao anyway enjoy!!!!

**********

It had been about a week since Karl's slip up but everything was already more normal than Y/n had expected it to be. Of course, George, Sapnap and Quackity were all very understanding and gave her space while simultaneously reassuring her that she was safe with them. She fully believed it too, she knew she was safe with them and they weren't going to tell anyone her name.

The one unusual thing was now she had a heavy guilt, like someone dropped another sandbag in her stomach, every time Dream texted her. If the others knew, it was only fair that she tell him her name too, right? I mean, it's Dream. Dream! The boy who had quickly slipped his way into her life and, though she wouldn't admit it to Karl or Naomi, her heart.

But how? Does she just come right out and say it or wait until it gets brought up? She hadn't practiced telling anyone her name because she wasn't planning on doing it any time soon. Though, maybe she should have been seeing as she was going to see them all in person in a little over a month.

Regardless of the guilt, Y/n had other things to worry about today; Quackity was coming to visit. Karl had picked him up from the airport and the two of them spent all day catching up and doing who knows what but Y/n still hadn't met him. She was scared. She wasn't scared of Quackity, but scared because it was the first time one of her online friends would be able to put a face to her name and voice.

Y/n shuffled across her living room rug and reached for her phone on the coffee table, looking for some sort of distraction while she waited for them to arrive.

Y/n rolled her eyes but smiled, shaking her head as she threw her phone on the couch. Okay, he's right. It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be great. It's just Quackity. If he said anything rude or annoying or anything she could literally just step on him like a bug.

A sharp knock on the front door of her apartment snapped her back into reality. She shook her limbs of nervousness as she made her way to the door, two familiar voices begging to be acknowledged from the other side.

"Let us iiinnn!! Y/nnn!!!!" Karl whined.

After countless times asking the same question, she finally convinced Karl that she was okay with him using her real name in front of Quackity. He clearly still felt guilty about telling the boys her name, asking her multiple times in different ways whether he should call her Y/n or Bugsy in front of the guest. She finally got it through his head that she didn't mind either way.

"Hold on!" she yelled back. She unlocked the door and swung it open to see Karl and Quackity. "So impatient."

"Holy shit, you are tall! Goddammit, I thought that was a joke!"

Y/n laughed shyly at the greeting, looking at Quackity like he was crazy. "Hello to you too. Tried to warn you, dude."

"Yeah but, damn! You're tall and attractive, what the hell?"

"Dude," she said with a warning in her voice. She thought the flirting on Twitter was funny, but in real life she got embarrassed easier and wasn't a fan. "I'm about to kick you out of my house before I even let you in."

This was weird, meeting Quackity before meeting some of her other friends. She loved Quackity, but she had known George much longer and Sapnap even before that. There was no problem with meeting Quackity, she just had no idea how to act since she felt like she hardly knew him.

"Am I allowed to tell people that you're hot?" he asked as he fell on her couch, Karl following right after.

"Quackity!" Y/n yelled, her face heating up at a compliment. "Seriously?"

Karl cackled and shoved Quackity. "Shut up, Alex! No, you're not allowed!"

"Sorry, is that compliment reserved for Dream?" He cackled at his own joke and Y/n's face heated up even more.

"I seriously will kick you out of my house."

"You wanna be flirty on main but not in real life?" Quackity scoffed.

"I'm not flirty on main, you are!" she laughed. "Seriously, don't."

"Okay, sorry, I'll stop," Quackity promised with a laugh in his words.

The three of them fell into easy conversation, mostly because Karl and Quackity were already comfortable around each other at this point. They eventually decided to go to the mall, just to mess around and do something.

*reminder: covid doesn't exist in this fic bc we only want happy things so ignore their masks :P*

Y/n frowned as she unlocked her front door, staring at her phone. She had been so happy with all the fans freaking out about the meetup so she looked at the trending list, expecting to see a flood of keyboard smashes and happiness, but that's not all she ended up seeing. BUGKARLITY was trending, so she scrolled through the tweets and was upset to see not all of them were positive. In fact, when she typed her name in the search bar, lots of the tweets using her name were rather mean.

A few that stuck in her head called her an attention whore and said that her friends only flirted with her because she paid them too. Who on earth would even do that? Some hurt way more than others but she tried to push them aside. It wasn't like this was the first time she had seen comments like this, but they had only gotten worse since her Minecraft date with Dream. She was worried it was cause more hate for her friends and the last thing she wanted was to be the cause of their own hate.

She typed several different messages to Dream, deleting them all after she reread them. She felt like she had to request the same thing from him in a different way. Maybe because she felt like his words meant more, even if he really was just joking like the rest of them. She decided to call him instead of texting.

"Hi!" he chirped happily from the other end.

"Hi, Dream," she said as her chest filled with something warm at the sound of his voice. "How are you doing?"

"Good," he dragged out the word. "How are you?"

"Okay."

"Just okay? What's up?"

"Um," she started, immediately forgetting the words she decided she'd use. "I just... would you mind, uh, not flirting with me so much on, like, Twitter and streams and stuff like that?"

There was a silence before Dream's frantically apologetic words came through. "Yes, of course, oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. If I had known I was making you uncomfortable, I wouldn't have—"

"Wait, no," she interrupted but he must not have heard.

"—said things like... oh gosh. Bug, I'm really sorry—"

"Dream!" she raised her voice, getting him to stop ranting. "You don't make me uncomfortable."

"Oh. Really?"

"Of course not. I actually think it's really..." Cute? Adorable? Endearing? "funny," she decided.

"Oh. Then why...?"

She sighed heavily and explained what she told the others. "So, yeah. I just don't want you guys getting hate because of me so I figure if you stop then... you know."

"Bug..." he said gently. "I'm really sorry. I promise you that I don't—none of us think those things about you."

"I know."

"No, seriously," he said, clearly not believing her. "You need to understand that I..." he paused. "I mean what I say. Always."

Always? she thought. There's a few things he's said that certainly he didn't really mean... like calling her cute?

"I don't joke around like that unless I want to. I wouldn't say things like I say to you unless I really, really, genuinely considered you a close friend and felt comfortable around you. And I do."

Her heart swelled. "Thanks, Dream. I just... maybe don't do it so much for right now? Online, at least," she clarified, not wanting to deprive herself completely of Dream's flirting.

"Yeah, if that's what you want, of course."

"Well, I don't want you to stop flirting with me but, yeah."

He chuckled. "Oh, you do like when I flirt with you?"

She hummed and changed the subject. "Did I interrupt you doing anything?"

"No," his teasing voice dropped and was back to his regular self. "I'm just editing the video we filmed the other day."

"Oh, the 'Minecraft, but you can't touch the floor'?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"Oh," she said, not meaning to sound disappointed. "I'll let you get back to it—"

"No. I mean, you can stay on the phone. Unless you're busy."

She smiled and put her phone on speaker and set it next to her foot on the floor. "I was just gonna paint. So I can stay."

Before she knew it, almost two hours had passed of them sitting in comfortable silence, occasionally speaking to share something with the other before going back to their tasks. It was comforting knowing she didn’t need to speak constantly and could just hang out with Dream.

Y/n's phone rested on the floor next to her, Dream on speakerphone on the other end, only the sounds of his keyboard clicking letting her know he hadn't fallen asleep or hung up. She wasn't sure when they started doing this, staying on the phone even when they had nothing to talk about, but they had done it a few times before. They had talked on the phone and Discord many times but it was usually always with purpose, not usually this silently-enjoying-each-others-presence nonsense. Who was she kidding calling it nonsense, she enjoyed it an embarrassingly insane amount.

She repositioned so she was laying on her stomach as she finished sketching an image that was in her mind.

"Hey, you still there?" Dream asked softly.

"Yeah. Sorry, am I taking away from your sitting in silence time with George?" she joked.

Dream chuckled lightly. "Nah, you're more fun. I was just seeing if you ditched me for Karl yet."

"Nah, you're more fun," she mimed truthfully. "But I'm very focused on this drawing."

"Can I see it when you're done?"

"Don't expect too much. It looks bad."

"If you don't tell me what it is, I can't know how accurate or inaccurate it is."

"Very true..." she trailed off, holding the canvas further away to examine it all at once. She wanted the sketch to be perfect before she made permanent choices with paint. She enjoyed the serenity they maintained even when talking, voices low and delicate like they were keeping secrets but not quite whispering. "Are you almost done editing your video from the other day?"

"Sorta. I'm at the part where you and Sapnap almost died laughing because a ghast knocked George into lava and then Sapnap laughed so hard he fell into lava."

She chuckled, remembering the situation vividly. "That was so funny. The way George screams is so funny."

"Let Naomi know that," he mumbled, causing Y/n to gasp.

"Dream!" she laughed loudly and he joined.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry. It's true though."

"Disgusting!"

A distant voice sounded on the other end and she assumed it was Sapnap. "What do you want for dinner?"

Dream responded with a soft, "Nothing, I'm good."

"Are you talking to Bugsy?"

He must have responded physically because the next sound was Sapnap's very clear, much more lively voice speaking directly into the phone. "Hi, Bugsy!"

"Hi, Sapnap!"

"Can you tell Dream to eat some damn food? This man literally hasn't eaten a single thing all goddamn day."

"Dream," Y/n scolded slowly. "Please eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"I'm not showing you my painting until you eat."

A door closed on the other end and she took that as a sign that Sapnap had left.

"I don't wanna see it anyway. It's probably trash."

"Take that back!" she gasped lightly. She looked at the canvas as she grabbed the first paint color and laughed. It was only a sketch and it was already trash. "Fine, then I won't go on the trip if you don't eat in the next ten minutes."

"That's punishing yourself too though."

"Who says I want to see you?" she asked.

"I never said anything about not seeing me being the punishment."

She had been caught. "It was implied."

"Sure it was."

"It's true though. Who says I wanna see your stupid face?"

He didn't say anything, but an incoming FaceTime call lit up Y/n's phone. A FaceTime call from him.

Her smile dropped. "Clay?"

"Answer it," his voice was lower and her heart started beating faster. Was he really about to show her his face to prove a point? Reveal his biggest secret that only a few close friends knew? To her of all people? She made sure she couldn't be seen in the small window and pressed accept, the voice call ending and the FaceTime call starting.

To her surprise, what came into view wasn't his face, but the logo of the hoodie he was wearing, the simple smile of his merch taunting her. She laughed, the anxiety slowly fading away as it was replaced with a heavy feeling in her stomach. Was she disappointed? Maybe a little, but he teased her into believing she would see him.

"Oh, wow! Dream face reveal! He looks just like his icon, no way!!!"

His chest moved up and down as he laughed, not moving the camera away. "You heard it here first, guys! You've known my face all along, the logo is actually my face!"

She laughed and returned to painting, not paying any more attention to her phone since he was now also showing his ceiling, a small corner of his monitor in frame but nothing else. "I mean it though, if you don't eat, I'm going to be so mad I won't even want to be friends anymore. Or you'll die from malnourishment before we get the chance to meet."

"I doubt it. I'm just not hungry."

"Whatever."

"Oh, hey, so you met Quackity today. How was it?"

"Very scary."

"Yeah?" he asked sympathetically, urging her to explain if she wanted.

"Yeah. But it turned out okay! He didn't act any different so it was fine. It was mostly just awkward. He's also so freaking loud. You would not believe how much louder he and Karl get when they're together."

"I can imagine. Aren't they doing a stream right now or something?"

"Yeah, I think so. I don't wanna watch though, I've had enough of them for the month."

Dream laughed. "How will you deal with them together for New Years'? It'll be for like two weeks."

"Who knows if I'll actually go?"

"Wait, what?" he asked abruptly, not even bothering to hide the disappointment in his voice. His keyboard stopped clicking and she could picture him staring at his phone as if looking at her. "Of course you're going."

"Not if you don't eat food! You have, like, 3 minutes to eat something until I officially am busy doing other things whenever the trip is."

Dream groaned and clicked a few things on his computer before the image on the screen became blurry as he walked through the house, still pointing it at the ceiling. She looked away again and kept painting.

"Quackity's really funny though," she continued. "It was super awkward at first but it was fun to have someone else to help me make fun of Karl."

"Wait, Bug," Dream called out over the sound of wrappers crinkling.

"Hm?" She hummed, continuing to paint.

"Bug," his voice was much softer and he sounded nervous.

She looked at her screen and dropped the paintbrush as she focused on what she saw, grabbing her phone and holding it closer to her face so she could see, still making sure she wasn't in view. All the anxiety from the beginning of the FaceTime suddenly came back and hit her like a truck. Sitting on her screen, waiting to be seen, was Dream. His hood was up, tufts of blonde hair sticking out, and he was standing with his back towards a dark room, the dim light from his pantry making his face just visible.

He held up a cookie in front of his actual, real face. "Are you watching?"

"Y-yea... I... Yeah. I'm watching. Is that really you?"

He nodded once before shoving the cookie in his mouth. "There, I consumed food," he announced, his voice muffled by the cookie. "Now you're legally obligated to come."

"I—What? CLAY! WHAT?"

"What?" he asked innocently as he chewed, walking back to his room and still holding the phone up to show his face. His room light was on, making his face much more visible. If Y/n thought he was attractive in the harsh pantry light, he must have looked like a god in his room lighting, even as pixelated as he was due to the quality of FaceTime. He fell on his bed and Y/n could only gape at his features. He slumped against his headboard, surrounded by roughly a thousand pillows, sporting a small, shy smile as he stared at the screen. "Bug, what?"

She opened her mouth but no words came out. Needless to say, he was unbelievably handsome. Part of the speechlessness was from the shock that he showed his face out of the blue, but obviously, the majority of it was that he was pretty much the most attractive person she'd ever seen. It should be illegal for someone to look that good in a hoodie, especially when pixelated.

"Hmm," he hummed thoughtfully. "Wanna take back what you said earlier?" He bit into another cookie.

"W-what did I say earlier?" Why was she stuttering???

"You said you don't wanna see me and that I'm ugly," he teased.

She paused for too many seconds too long before finally muttering, "you arrogant son of a bitch." He laughed loudly at that.

His eyes crinkled and he threw his head back. So that's what he looks like when he wheezes, she thought to herself, pretty.

Dream shuffled his position on his bed and rested his head on one of his hands. He looked so comfy. "Why are you so quiet, weirdo?" he mumbled.

She set her phone back down and touched her cheeks with her hands and looked away for a moment, grounding herself to the real world for a second. She couldn't process her thoughts when she was staring at a man as gorgeous as Clay. "I don't know, maybe because you gave me no warning before showing me your face? Or because you failed to mention that you're incredibly hot?"

She was so glad she had looked back at her phone or else she would have missed the glorious sight of his cheeks turning bright red before he turned the camera back to his ceiling. "Oh my gosh."

"Aw cute, I made you blush."

"Shut up," he mumbled. "You threatened to not come if I didn't eat something!"

"You didn't have to—you showed me your freaking face just to prove you ate a cookie!! DREAM! I would have believed you if you just said you ate something!" she laughed breathlessly, staring at the phone now for a chance to see him again. "I was joking anyway!"

"Sure you were."

"I was."

"Well, oh well. You deserved to see me anyway."

"Oh, I deserve to see you?" She laughed. "How big is your ego?"

"You know what I meant," he groaned. "You got doxxed by Karl and you met Quackity in person. And you've clearly had a bad day because of all the hate and stuff. You've done a lot of stressful things recently and you deserved to be let in on a secret too."

He was so sweet. Like, tooth-rotting, Halloween candy stash hidden under a kid's bed, upset tummy sweet. She also couldn't get over the fact that he was a million times cuter when he was shy like he was being now, his voice soft and unsure. It contrasted vastly with the confident, loud-mouthed Dream everyone usually saw, though she liked that Dream too. She wished he could show his face for just one more second to see what he looked like shy. Probably sickeningly adorable.

This was it, wasn't it? The chance she had been waiting for to tell him her name? He just let her in on his biggest secret, now he was the one deserving to be let in.

"Y/n," she said with a confident, but soft voice.

There was a long pause. "W-what?"

"Y/n."

He understood the second time immediately. "Y/n..." he tested, the smile in his voice clear as day. "I like it."

"Yeah, well, I guess you deserved to know the secret too."

"I would have been content never knowing."

"Really?" She didn't believe him. He seemed like the type to never be satisfied, always looking for something better. Not in a greedy way, but in a motivational, goal-oriented big achiever way.

"Really," he hummed. "I already feel like you're too good to be true so I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't a real person."

It was silent as she tried to collect her thoughts.

"Bug? You okay?"

"Yeah, I... it's just a lot."

"Sorry."

"No, it's not you. Well... I don't know. I just don't know what I'm supposed to say when you say things like that," she admitted.

He paused. "I think you always have the perfect responses when I say things like that."

"What do I usually say?" She smiled shyly, pulling her hoodie up to her lips.

"You usually call me a nerd or say you can't stand me. 'Oh my gosh I cannot stand you'," he mimicked before laughing.

"What? How is that the perfect response to you saying you can't believe I'm real?"

He hummed and she could practically hear him shrugging. "Because it's a classic Bug response. It's a hundred perfect you. So yeah, it's perfect."

She was silent, trying to compose herself before she exploded.

"By the way, check Twitter."

"Why, are you bragging about me calling you hot?" she teased, hoping to make him blush like she had earlier. It worked.

"Oh my gosh, no. Just look."

She clicked her home button and navigated to the app, her feed instantly flooding with the same similar messages.

"Oh, my gosh," she muttered, her fingers flying away as she typed out her own tweet in response to the love.

Dream chuckled from the other end and when she asked him why, he vaguely said that George texted him but didn't explain further.

"Um, I have to go," she said mournfully. "Karl and Quackity are coming over again."

"Booooo," he pouted.

"Sorry, you aren't the only man in my life," she teased before instantly regretting her choice of words. Too flirty, Y/n, she thought to herself.

"Hm, shame. Am I at least at the top of the list?"

She bit her lips, wanting desperately to repeat what she had told him on their Minecraft date. In the end, she gave in. "I always mean what I say too," she started. "You're my main bitch, baby."

Dream made some sort of sound, a mix of a scoff and a whine but Y/n didn't comment on it, just glowing with heat in her cheeks.

"Leave before I don't let you," he said softly and the heat only grew.

"Goodnight, Dream," she pressed, the tone in her voice letting him know he was being a tease. "Thanks for... thanks for your tweet. And for everything you said earlier."

"Of course. Sorry that you have to see those kinds of things a lot."

"It's okay when I have people like you."

"People like me? What does that mean?"

"Just.... people like you." Cute, sweet, kind, genuine people who make her heart flutter.

She could hear his smile in his words and she figured he knew the unspoken words in her thoughts, the ones she was saying without saying. "Okay. Goodnight, Y/n."

"Goodnight."

**********

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reidsconverse · 3 years

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I have mentally gatekeeping mgg so bad this past week or so. i dont say anything but the way some of these fucking fans have been acting is absolutely enraging me. I wish they'd let him have some peace and enjoy his life. He's such a sweet man so he won't tell them no even though some of them really need to hear it.

Yeah I get that.

personally i think if hes in your town and you have the chance to see him, go for it or if you randomly bump into him i see no reason why you shouldnt say hi (obviously wait for him to finish what he’s doing so as to not disrupt him but that seems obvious n ppl are doing that which is great)

whats making ME uncomfortable (obviously i cannot and will not speak for matthew hes a grown man who can make his own decisions and he knows his boundaries better than anyone) is people who

A) follow him around for hours (even driving for hours on end) b) people who purposely seek him out multiple times c) people who are blatantly disregarding social distancing + masks (now idk how bad covid is where he is rn but i feel like its still bad enough to warrent basic covid precautions)

that being said i am so so incredibly happy for everyone thats got to meet him this past week and have truly enjoyed all the posts coming from people, and honestly i dont know what i would do if i was in their position so its easy for me to sit here and say i dont like something but just know I completely understand why theyre doing it, it just feels weird to me...

i hope this doesn’t come across as rude n please feel free to disagree everyone has different views + thats fine 😁💛

edit: im re reading my answer and im like... its literally not that deep... but i couldnt find it in my heart to delete what i wrote so ur stuck reading it 😭😭

#part of me does think matthew is too nice to ever say he’s uncomfortable lmao #but im so glad hes being responsible and keeping his mask on #mgg

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bunnyriviere · 3 years

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my god i cant get my head out of this mess so imma rant, then MAYBE i can focus on my assignment like damn babe i thought your passion is stats, why are you obsessing over a guy that doesnt care enough. huh? care about stats instead babe!!!!!! i just want to only have to care about maths but i know my life is ruined if i dont have relationships, so i try. but i must suck at it so bad if everything just ends in flame like this, im so tired im teary eyes.

im on my phone and honestly dont know how to do the uh line to cut short the post so if anybody unfortunately see this im sr :(

this is not even about a romantic relationship, i dont even know why i just couldnt like a person like that but damn fine. this is about a male friend i made in grade 11 i guess. i have never liked men. im afraid of them and dont want to have to interact with them ever. i know its bad and i should change but i just really want them away from me im sorry..... so i wasnt even friendly with him, but i was polite, i know how to be a decent person. he was friendly and nice and friends to all which only made me think aw geez just stop being friendly i know this is not because you like me. but i was eating the snack he brought to class anytime he brought it without much thought cause he offered i aint gonna say no. all the while still not consider him a friend. not until a friend said im not being nice if im eating his food while still not seeing him as a friend. and i have always feel bad about not being friendlier towards men in general and he made the 1st move which made it easier for me to just go along. so i did and thats how we became friends.

hes really nice and i mean it. i think really highly of him. maybe its just me having bad luck so i havent met many that are nice?? i really believe they are just myth tbh, im about to settle for that thought. and this guy is really how i wish is the standard for all men. hes just that good, i have no complain. i truly like him and glad that my friend said something cause otherwise we probably wouldnt be friends.

again no romantic feeling. i just have to, remind the invisible audiences of this post i guess.

now we all know covid. and because of it, i couldnt come home and wanted to lay in bed even more than normal. so i didnt push for it when he said he couldnt meet anybody in the summer because he didnt want to accidently give somebody it. just saying that cause this is a 2 ways road right, nothing is ever only his fault, its also mine. i want to rant about my feelings but i dont want to dismiss any mistakes i made yk. so we didnt meet up then.

christmas came and before then we were talking about christmas gift and i didnt wanna any so i didnt prepare anything also. this person is too nice and i dont want him to feel bad. but anw i just thought maybe we can still meet up even if its not for gift exchanging. but i didnt ask or anything at all cause well, hes from here, he has family and friends that are definitely closer to him, and he had work. i know hes busy and if he wanna hang out he know where to find me. i just dont want to accidentally add something more onto his list of to do. he would be too nice to say no. and we are not that close i dont want to add more work for him. i dont have relatives or friends here other than him so im free anytime if he wanted to meet up. but that didnt happen, i dont think we talked at all. which fine i hate to admit but i was hurt. ugh hate showing how vulnerable i am. yuck. yikes. -100/10.

i just didnt think about it? i didnt try to reach out either so that was my fault too but just, if he didnt care then i wont either. so i really didnt think about him anymore.

came reading week! it really was 1 year from the last time i saw him honestly. he asked to meet up and if i want to go somewhere and tbh no im in the countryside rn is that the corect word so there are no place to go. but i remembered this 2ndhand place i like to go sometimes and i hadnt gone in a while so why not. so we agreed on that. and i know he was probably just tired, and there are people who sigh a lot, its not uncommon. but not seeing him for a long while and knowing this is a place i suggested, him doing that really made me feel bad. i probably shouldnt, but couldnt get the thought that he was probably doing this just because hes friendly not because hes friend with me. it fucking sucked. when we got out and he dropped me back at my home i still felt so bad he didnt get to enjoy himself so i asked if we could watch jojo together. yeah he loves jojo. i dont really care for anime im so sr i prefer realing manga lmao sr.

now ok maybe im still being dumb, probably. but tldr i truly believe people can be friends and affectionate even when they are from opposite sex. it didnt work out so well cause i got molested lmao cause some other guy thought that was cool to do. so that honestly worsen my uh wariness of men. but like i said, i think ive said it, i trust this person. honestly i do, we hug a lot and i had never felt afraid of it. i believe he wont do anything. im just really comfortable around him. so we cuddled while watching anime, that had happened before im really sr if you think thats wrong, i still believe that could happen.

but maybe its because i was tense from thinking he really didnt enjoy hanging out with me that much. i kept connecting remembering what the molester did and while i just knew i swear i knew he wouldnt do anything like that, i couldnt get it out of my head. i felt bad for that but there were just 2 things that happened so similar to what happened with the molester. haizz he kinda laced our fingers together but it wasnt handholding, same thing happened once before with m-dude and it felt weird but i didnt want to question that friendship so i didnt. and at some point of jojo i kinda jumped and he held me back, not pulled me back or anything but was holding me in place, and it was probably to make me feel safe but honestly if anybody even use a little bit of force i will just think of when i finally got the courage to turn around to confront the other dude for touching me, he held me back and i couldnt move at all. i think i froze a bit.

argh back to the main story. see how i totally suck? hahaha just blaming this friend for something somebody else did. im so sorry, i suck.

well after that we picked up talking again but idk! was it me overthinking? was it? because it felt like he didnt want to talk to me at all. it was, how to say it. he was friendly yes he talked hmm. damn how-- it felt like he didnt care for what i said. its a feeling idk how to put into words. and that sucks. he didnt seem interested in me before, felt happy enough when we cuddled, then back to being uninterested. i knew i know he doesnt want me romantically. damnit am i only good now for hugs. are we friends? what i meant is not sex but am i only good for physical stuff? i dont fucking know, the m-dude obviously just want a fwb and i was to trusting to notice. is this my gut feeling or my anxiety idk!

another side story. another guy suddenly expressed interested in me right when covid hit but it was because he couldnt get over his ex so i stopped talking to him for a while and picked it back up when i thought he was no longer idk being annoying about it. i thought he had to at least like me as a person to even express he liked me romantically. but apparently not. he looked so uniterested suddenly and denied when i asked, then stopped reading my texts.

so you see. i just cant if haiz ok do- do anybody like me? just as a person? idk.

god i knew i fucking suck for being so sensitive and anxious and im sr for wanting stuff but maybe i want you to look like you care a bit when i said you are reminding me of the m-dude, instead of saying ok we can talk less then. i already felt like you dont want to talk to me, you dont have to say that...

officially crying heyho.

just saying no you dont dont like talking to me when your actions were saying the opposite is not cutting it either... i also thought highly of the covid confession guy too but what happened now. im sorry for comparing you to others! but i learn from experiences... and this was sus... (yah its a joke i cant help it.)

and if i just agreed and stopped talking to him right it just, felt like a confirmation that yeah its true hes just letting me hug him not because im his friend and he knows i like hugs so he lets me. but its more like its convenient that a girl is hugging him so he wont say no. something like that. that sucks. thats all im good for. if i were his friend, it would include the talking too.

ah!! i know we are not close, we are both casual friend. he is definitely not on my top list to tell stuff to but damn i still like him enough to hurt. and to not asking for too much.

so anw i kept talking with the anxiety that never got solved and that made me frustrated and i picked at his insecurity to made him hate me enough to stop talking to me cause i couldnt bring myself to stop, id feel so bad. this is really toxic and i admit this is not the first time ive done it, to a different person but its the same thing.

hahaha act like i hate him while just want him to see how i feel so bad. yeah im a tsundere.

it worked so i stopped talking to him for a week and focused on talking to my other friends. friends i know without a doubt love me and want me because i really didnt feel that with him at all. sorry i know you were tired with covid.

that made me felt better and i was not in panic mode anymore, i can calmly assess things now. and before, i felt bad because i truly believed i was just seeing things, i couldnt see pass my anxiety and was blaming him for what, nothing. he did want to talk to me. but my mind was clearer after that one week and yeah i cant really make more excuses? yes i was sensitive and made things worse, but there must be something for me to pick up first. it didnt just come out of thin air.

so i sent him some texts saying that, because just leaving without a word is bad communication. i have to tell him and at least give him a chance to change i guess? did he need change? im doubting myself.

i- hm he just said yeah his look and way of talking really make him look like hes tired and uninterested, and laughed at my marie kondo joke. you know the one. idk! all i saw in that was yeah thats how it is, accept it. and i-- i, cant? i dont want to... i dont want to :(

but my mindset for just about anything is value the process, not the result, like as long as you put work in! thats great! and he- he was, talking... he put work in..... i would feel so bad to deny it. but at the same time, it was not enough... i hate! to say you need to do at least this and that! but it didnt feel like enough..... im sorry :(((( i am.

ive talked about my tendency to lash out. last time i didnt want it but i had to get away quick so i didnt mean it but i still did it. but this time i was truly angry. because i just wished there was more care for me but i know that was all there was, and i couldnt do anything about it. couldnt even ignore him. he was even drier then, and i got it, i lashed out at him, ofc he wasnt going to be friendly. but just why were you trying so hard... no, no it was not trying hard, you were answering texts at the speed of once every 2 days. why were you answering at all? you clearly didnt want to. but again so was i. did i really have a say.

so i sent angry texts at him. about how fake his friendliness was, did he really consider me friend, why did he keep saying no it was not that he was uninterested while it was obvious that he was. also that i want to fight him. i really do want to. hopefully he will beat me up hard enough that i can be in a coma and die in 9 months idk. (listen 9 months is enough time to make a new human, if im not awake by then, you need to let me go, thats my wish.)

he said that no he doesnt like to fight and thats the last text i got from him.

because ofc i dont hate him him, the whole him idk what im saying. just angry and hate that hes not matching me on how we value this relationship i guess. not besties like how he likes to joke, but eh, was hoping more than what i was sensing. i still sent a text being like ok fine do you still want to talk and if so how do you want me to do. but he didnt answer it in time so i decided for him that nah we wont talk anymore.

heyho i was sad, i am sad. and ok hear me out, HEAR ME, i dont use tarot for future but just for my feelings and how to deal with them, and my deck said ok babe this is the end, you will have to move on now. so i will.

tbh lmao for every relationships that i emotionally invested in. i always make an essay on my feelings because thats how i conclude things, and so i wont forget that my feelings are legit. so the moment i started this post, hes dead to me i guess.

wow this post is long. but i did really like him so.

im moving to uni city next month but i know he will leave in the summer so i wont have to worry about seeing him then. and probably not further in the future either, we go to different uni and are quite far away and our common are not gonna question things i dont think. dont think they would even notice, we are not in a group or anything. and even if i do end up meeting him. my feelings while was anger, but it stemmed from sadness and disappointment so it wouldnt be too bad. on the other hand... m-dude..... i am afraid of meeting you, lets please please please not meet damnit.

#xxxpauline

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coridallasmultipass · 4 years

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Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

#personal /#vent #long post #endometriosis #mental illness #menstruation #tmi #i need to stop crying but i cant lmaO #fuck endometriosis #literally a life ruiner #like i was already having a hard time before it but now i have zero hope for the future

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coralsgrimes · 2 years

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I can’t look at Twitter rn due to all the various discussions going on, but regarding Benny’s sex life… for what it’s worth, while our boy is no saint I don’t think he is - or was - running around whichever town he’s in picking up women right, left and centre.

He’s too careful and paranoid for a start, and he also wouldn’t want to upset his Mama should she read anything nasty about her baby boy (all the 🧚 backlash he got as an example - homewrecker, Covid spreader etc). I bet seeing all that didn’t light up her life like a glorious sun. If I was FakeFairy, I wouldn’t ever drop round chez Mama Barnes.

I also get the feeling that he’d be wary of random women’s motives - he’s no A-lister but he’s still a celeb, and lives the Hollywood lifestyle. So he relies on his lady friendship groups or Raya where he can meet ‘safe’ people. He’s a flirt as we know and I think he feels this is what’s now expected of him, so will always perpetuate that persona. But I’d bet that irl Benny’s chat up lines are straight out of his favourite romcoms. Bless the boy ☺️

Glorious sun... GLORIOUS BROW! It's been a while 🧚🏻‍♀️🧚🏻‍♀️ i dont remember how it went actually

Okie so I'm not ignoring ye all just gonna collectively answer here cuz muffins? This ask is like what I wanted to say but put into coherent thoughts. Just gonna add stuff.

So yeeee idk okie? And my brain can’t function anymore today. He was way more outgoing and open back in the day. Then his Logan/Billy years are a lil questionable and confusing...

But ye lately and deff right now, he is very very careful. Just look at how much energy he put to cover up his and miss R tracks back when. He probably put more effort into that than whatever relationship they had lol and now with the new fans around? he probably checking his porridge for us nasty not-real-fans cuz we know too much

Raya right now is mostly the place for Hollywoo guys to look for instagram influencer's booty calls - per internet goss. Not saying all is but mostly. Cuz ye know, cause of the exclusivity that is supposedly less and less. Anyways, boy clearly ain't there to look for the epic love and the wife he APPARENTLY dreams of. And boy do be lookin and lookin for a long while now :c he’s there for other reasons me guess and like nothing bad about that, as long as no one gets hurt. Like what can I say, he’s a fucking adult fella so its not like anyone can tell him where to out it x.x As the nonnie up there says, it’s safe and ‘exclusive’

Also the screenshot from raya? It’s not current, it’s an oldie, apparently he updated the pic since xd

NOW BACK TO THE ORIGINAL ASK! IDK what his persona is actually supposed to be lol cuz like stans see different things, it was after the thirst tweets that they concluded boy has choking and breeding kink x.x don't understand the reasoning and ye I regret what I just typed.

But the good british boy with his second class diploma, gentleman ways, fancy parents, flirty nature, love for cheesy films and the most popular songs is the base X.X actually no lol it’s all he has, plus the romantic and empath shite xd ye absolutely right tho, he acts up the persona cuz fans expect that of him and fans are all he has ;c no bond for benny

Ye know how majority of ya protagonists have basically no personality? So it’s done so that the reader could project themselves into the character? (or so I heard....) It’s the same with Benny, he’s just the weak backbone and everyone builds up what they wanna see. And my theory kind of proves my theory (SCIENCE!) Cuz I see him as bland and I can build it even more to say that boy is fucking bland and shapeless x.x the only sure thing about Benny we all can see and agree on are his lil twizzlers legs ;c in them lil leggings ;cc

Boy is being awkward and honestly I still can’t tell how much of that is a sham he doing BUT I do like to think he is as awkward at least at times, outside the for them fangirls Benny. And OMG just look at his poems and his original lyrics which he claims are real Benny... He ain’t getting anywhere with talk like this lol, its exactly why he’s bitchless x.x

Back to the broadcast tho... What proof can they have like? It’s usually some private messages screenshots but it’s about famous guys where it’s worth whatever risk to publish it and gain something or publish it cuz they are being creeps per usual and someone should call them out? and not lil Benny mr no one gentleman ;c and knowing Benny, he made them sign nda’s JUST TO BE SURE lol im kiddin like but maybe no one wishes to go into details cuz it’s unfathomable to me to share such things, no idea how others could and imma probably not alone in feeling like this. Plus the women always end up as the bad ones, sluts and whatnots... His fangirls would eat them alive. Why bother?

And obvi there is also the VERY big fat chance of them stories being fake x.x what to share when its fake like

#is this a cry for help?#very controversial take x.x

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lady-ika · 3 years

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idk im still trying to be positive and keep my chin up but like. it’s so hard to and idk it like is starting to hurt because like. idk everything feels like. wrong. like i did something wrong and now i’m waiting for something to go right. like i keep doing things wrong. i shouldnt have quit the job at the pharmacy and whenever i try to reassure myself that its ok all i can think of is no its not!! im broke and i cant pay for things and now i have to rely on my parents and im such a burden to my friends and i feel terrible! i feel. terrible i think.

idk i feel! like such a failure. i need to find a job but everything doesn’t feel. even remotely tolerable. ik i just need to toughen up and do it but. idk i cant! i feel like i had the rug pulled out from under me but i also feel like i did it to myself?? idk i. i jjust want to feel ok. also i keep feeling so?? needy lately??? i want attention. but if it’s the just wrong sort of attention (meaning the kind i dont want) i get annoyed or upset. the kind that i want isn’t possible for me rn?? ik im doing bad rn but i do not see it.

i wish i was ok. i wish i didnt want to .. idk anything. i wish i was a normal fucking person. i wish i felt like i could tlak to people but i dont bc i dont want to bug people and i dont want to bother anyone bc everyone is having horrible issues too im not special

idk i just. i dont know. i dont want to be alive pt 27 and i dont want to die and i want attention but i dont want to bother anyone and i wish i had a therapist and i wish i had money and i wish so much.

plus like the dog takes so much energy out of me and i feel bad that at this point i like. dont like him. i keep trying to convince myself i do but i feel so tired and jaded and idk! i feel like a horrible person bc how do you not like a puppy? idk. i just. wish i had a life. i wish i had anything. i feel like i dont have anything of my own and my life is dedicated to just. being a body. just a name in a book. but i want to have something good happen to me some miracle or something to make me feel like i have??? some sort of control or be the main character or i dont know! i want to feel important! i do and it’s fucked up bc no matter what i try to do i always get cast aside and it hurts! i want to be. someone. someone special and important and loved by a lot of people

i always feel like im something special and im supposed to do something important but i dont fucking know what it could posssibly be nor do i know what im supposed to do and i dont know why ive deluded myself and other people into thinking im anyone bc im not and any time anyone tells me differently it feels like theyre lying to me even when i know theyre not but it feels like theyre lying and pity me or there’s something they need or theyre saying it bc they know or think i need to hear it but they dont mean it and dont really care its just to end the convo

idk i just want something to happen to me bc the only thing thats happened to me is catching covid and somehow. while i know people cared it also felt like no one did bc my family just didnt care. bc we all caught it and my fucking mom wont even admit she was sick at this point. and shes the one who gave it to us! im at a point where i partially wish something really bad would happen to me so i actually could tell that people would care but that’s fucking manipulative and selfish and awful and its dumber because i dont want to die! i just want to be special just once! i want to feel special and beloved and just feel. ok. and have a reason to feel as terrible as i do

i feel like i cant like. talk to anyone bc i dont want to bother anyone. bc my issues are ultimately unimportant and nonissues. ik its bc its winter that i feel like this but i still feel like this.

why am i so useless i dont know what i can do i just want something. anything. something good. plus all that bullshit keeps popping up in my mind and i keep remembering things and i keep feeling terrible and awful and i just feel like everything is my fault and i dont know how to deal. i wish i hurt enough to sh or something bc the hurt keeps building up and i dont know how to deal with it. im not gonna lie this year was probably one of the worst years of my life and i wish literally. either i felt something anything other than just horrible pit of nothing and hurt and hopelessness and ive been holding it in for so long and i was hoping i could just. do something. good or bad idgaf anymore. ik the reason im even there is just for attention bc i crave something but none of the attention im getting feels good and it just makes me feel worse but theres the tiniest bit of serotonin so i end up staying i can feel myself shuffling through things to find something that gives me any semblance of feeling ok or good but none of it is sticking

i keep thinking about changing my name again like itll help but it wont bc im still the same miserable piece of shit just with a new name sticker and i dont know what even to bc all of them feel. wrong and i care sm about what other people think when i shouldnt bc its my goddamn name but i still care so much bc i just. want to look good or cool or just feel. special ig.

every day is the same and i cant change anything bc i feel like im waiting around for permission to do something and i cant get it and i feel like i cant do it until i get permission but i dont need to and i know it but i can fucking cant do it! i cant get a job until i get permission i cant date until i get permission i cant start exercising until i get permission i cant drive i cant do fucking anything until i get permission but idfk who i need permission from to get my stupid ass brain to let me do anything

everything feels so wrong and i cant break out of it and everything is always the same and i feel like im just waiting for something to happen but it wont i’ll just die waiting and if that’s the case i’d rather just die now but i also dont want to die bc yknow. fear of death or whatever.

i s2g whenever i feel like im about to reach out or ask for help or do take help it fucking blows up in my face and/or shit goes worse for other people so i just. don’t. whenever i decide to accept help shit goes bad and im fucking sick of it. but im so tired of doing things by myself and i just want. a break? just a lucky break. or just a point in time where i can just completely lose my shit without worrying about eveyr one else.

i wish i could get the help or attention or fucking whatever it is my brain wants in the Correct Way so my brain would shut the fuck up

genuinely i dontknow what to do anymore i wasnt supposed to be alive this long and now that im out of quarantine i feel like even more of a mistake bc like i get to survive covid cool but like. why. i dont have anything going for me and people would miss me for like a week and then get over it

i wish so bad i either had the balls to just get up and get moving or just stop everything bc like. im sure i could figure out where my dad keeps his super unsecured bullshit and it would be easy but im too much of a pussy and too self important and idk! i want everything to end but i dont at the same time bc im a stupid bitch! besides im sure my parents would find some way to slander me even though theyrd ultimately be happier when im dead and gone

everyone would probably be a little better off i think even if they tell themselves they wouldnt or tell me so idk i just wish i could. do literally anything. i want to just. feel something. alli feel lately is angry and upset and sad and nothing good i wish i was pretty or determined or driven or literally anything to get me anywhere in life i cant even properly starve myself i just binge and im so sick of being this fucking sack of shit i just want all of me out of me i want everything to just go away and i know i blame everything on everything else when it’s all my dumb ass’s fault

i feel like such a melodramatic teenager i dont feel like my age at all i feel like im stuck at 14 and i wish i could just feel. normal.

anyway manifestiing an early grave or some deus ex machina to get me out of this bullshit <3 currently wanting to rip out my own veins <3

#ika's self pity corner #sh mention #ed tw

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