#and it's the same for yall out there where homosexuality is tolerated.

[el-the-cell]

saw a terf on the tube. she had a "girl dick is not real" pin

what a sad world to live in

without girl dick :(

#no but i didn't know that they actually went around with pins #another pin read: #thought criminal #she wants to feel oppressed so bad lol #but also this is so weird to me because i'm from a largely homophobic country. #i went to see a drag show once and people threw rocks at the venue and the people there. #for us there's no space for transphobia in the queer community #because the government sees us all as filthy disgraces that go against the will of god #we're fucked if we don't stick together. #and it's the same for yall out there where homosexuality is tolerated. #it only takes a few new laws to throw your progress down the gutter if we stop fighting. #it's sad some don't realize it.

[scorpiaiswifegoals]

Big Lesbian Feelings

Listening to and reading about other people reflecting on realizing they are gay can be very confusing for me because so often it seems tide up in a character or specific person, but I can't say the same. My identity realization didn't pop up as, oh yes this girl is super cute I have a crush on her.  I wish I could, that's a fun family friendly version of realizing you're gay. It's the sexless non erotic version that's palatable to heterosexual narratives of homosexuality. It's the easy to swallow romantic version.

No, I remember seeing art of naked or partially clothed women and feeling a desperate need to see more. Of sneaking, reading cosmo magazine to read about female pleasure and completely being engrossed in it. I remember the very first time I saw a pornographic depiction of a naked woman in a pop up add from a-z lyrics in 2004 and feeling like a switch had been flipped inside my brain. I remember sneaking pornography that was just erotic images of women alone and women masturbating for years and years as my primary source or pornography. I remeber seeing my first androgynous man and being like oh wow this is it yall the perfect parent approvable projection of my desire. I remember getting into bandom fanfiction in elementary school and gravitating immediately to male×male content because the men I liked were palatable when they were kissing each other, but not when touching women. Not when possibly touching me.

 For years and years my greatest adulthood dream was to go and buy a physical pornographic magazine so I could hold erotic images of women in my hands and boldly purchase this content and own it as mine. I snuck looks at every plastic wrapped playboy magazine at the Barnes and Noble. The sexy beach babes calender at the mall kiosk. Sports illustrated swimsuit edition was my enemy and my friend. 

 I remember having romantic fantasies about what it would be like to be loved and finding someone to love but unable to maintain that fantasy if it progressed past violent sex and pursuit. 

I remember kissing my first boy, of making out and having him touch me and feeling nothing and wanting to throw myself at him to satiate the gnawing empty place that men were supposed to fill up. I remember the first time a girl kissed me like technicolor, like a miracle, she did it in front of her mom and not even the fear I felt could surpass the wanting.  I remember wanting to avoid content that was feminine and women focused because I could barely look at girls in school without feeling like I was doing harm to them. Still I craved it. 

Yet somehow for years I didn't understand these traits as lesbiansim. I thought that my desire for girls was a fluke. Something that in some way meant something else. I told someone recently what really flipped the switch for me was about half way through highschool when boys and girls became so firmly separated and the bodies of boys were so different from the bodies of girls. Other girls around me found boys at school attractive and I just couldn't do it. Sure I had my male celebrity of the moment to fixate on and direct all my masculine attraction toward wasn't that good enough??? I'm still not 100% if my most basic appreciation of men and masculine traits are not something I learned how to replicate as a reflection of straight women. 

One of the funniest things in the entire world to me is the ONLY hypermasculine man/character I've ever been interested in is Thor and CH version of Thor is considered a lesbian icon and the lesbian MCU projection. The irony.  

So often I see lesbians talk about all their male friends and having masculine interests and I can't relate to that either. I avoided and rejected all things male. I have never experienced gender dysphoria and have always been highly feminine. I wanted everything in my life to be full of girls and girly. I loved sleep overs and girl scouts and all of those things because they allowed me to exist in a realm where only girls existed. I remember the wild desire of going to a pool party in middle school and the prettiest girl wanted me to jump in with her to show off for some boys that were there and not caring that the boys were watching but caring that she wanted to hold hands when we jumped in.

No I never really cared if boys were watching and I didn't notice when they were, but I learned how to emulate sexiness through consuming so much content made for men. I knew exactly how I should look, and be, and exist in the world based on what men liked. When I discovered feminism and got entrenched in feminist theory and queer theory my world kinda came unhinged because the next few years of my life just felt like pandoras box of rage. I was angry at the entire world for existing the way it did. I didn't want to like anyone I just wanted to destroy the parts of the world and myself that had created the self hating depression monster that lived inside me. 

I still struggle to pull apart how all these pieces got stuck together but here they are. 

The last two years of my life have been about relearning myself. Learning to love myself. Learning to embrace my desires and my truth. I'm finally starting to feel free. Less unhinged and afraid and more connected and at peace. The truth of lesbiansim for me was realizing that sure I was probably capable of tolerating some men touching me if I had to under specific circumstances and sure some men were attractive under certain conditions. Any girl any woman any femme dtf. I realized, sure I had a type when it comes to girls. Girls I preferred and found especially attractive. But as a rule: tall, short, skinny, thick, fat, blonde, brunette, electric green, coal black eyes or ocean blue, 18 or older all girls. This was a REVELATION because when I thought I liked boys it was always only this boy, this week, with this haircut while dressed like this. 

Now that I allow myself to look at women it's like a fucking earth shattering experience sometimes just to go to Target. Lady walking into the store in front of me. Amazing ass show stopping booty. Barista too cute to handle can't order latte barista too cute. Girl in the chips aisle wearing high waisted leggings and a bralette can't look away suddenly I need chips too. 

Gay

Me

I'm Gay

Big Gay Surprise I guess

#lesbian content #big lesbian mood #lesbian #lesbians #wlw #wlw post #wlw struggles #same sex attraction #personal #deep personal nonesense #queer #queer women #i am gay #gays #gaylife #gay girls