#and im sure comfort or not sh ideas are just as disrespectful | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

astroels · 1 year

Note

hey, i just wanna make sure this will be okay with you! i wanna send in a request where the reader has HEAVY symptoms of/like borderline personality disorder and farmhouse!ellie helps and understands, etc!! because ive shown ALOT of symptoms of it, but i haven’t been able to go to doctors about it :( i am totally down with helping you with this request (only if you are comfortable doing this!)

(anyone who’s sees this, pls DONT take offense to this and please don’t have a go at me (cause it won’t end well, & obviously, it will just send me in to a deeper and darker hole, that im already in!!) and to this kind human who’s writing this!! just be kind, im currently experiencing this for such a long ass time now and it’s such a tough battle, and it’s a heavy and deep journey).

here’s some topics i can help with:

(this is what i experience personally)

- splitting // seeing someone or something (like a situation) either good or bad, it can NEVER be seen in between). this makes asking for advice or reading someone or the situation to be dealt with A LOT more harder… cause i only want one answer, it can be in the middle. it MUST be a yes or no, i hope that makes sense?

- dissociation // feeling disconnected with your senses, can’t tell which is which and it’s incredibly hard to snap out of it.

- heavy feelings of emptiness // having a lack of purpose in general, it’s irritating when you can’t properly and very physically feel your intense emotions :(

- fear of abandonment // scared of ending up alone, just like what ellie said (that’s what ellie and reader can bond over w? or understand about the reader).

- emotional instability - disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – "cognitive distortions" or "perceptual distortions" impulsive behaviour. intense but unstable relationships with others.

- paranoid ideation // when im constantly scared or suspicious being secretly followed, plotted against, always in a constant state of deep anxiety.

- unstable/intense relationship // with me experiencing such intense emotions, etc. this can creat so much short, unstable and intense relationships with anyone i come across in life. // the readers first actual long healthy loving relationship with ellie is her first :(

- sh behaviors… (pls dont do this, if this triggers you)

could you possibly add in about ellies drawings/journal about the reader and bpd… to help her understand and help around the farmhouse for the reader. ellie and tlou helps me so much in so many ways. (abt me and my mind) bc i feel like her drawing about reader and the symptoms/memories of ellie being here can help me so much :)

𝐄𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐦𝐬 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

a/n: I tried to touch on topics that you mentioned and with information I'm aware of since I have a friend with bpd, if anyone has a problem with this, do let me know, I am in no means writing this to be disrespectful or stereotypical, I just hope someone is able to find comfort in this :)

cw: arguments, mentions of sh (i will mark when it shows up), joel is dead in this (sorry joel)

apocalyptic!au

At first, having to hide your disorder from Ellie was a struggle. There was an intense fear that came with the idea that Ellie would back off as soon as she found out it. It was hard enough to mask the feeling, and even harder when you felt the symptoms that ruined previous relationships ooze into your current one with Ellie. Eventually, you just couldn't hide it anymore. You had to be honest even if rejection was a likely path.

"Ellie, I really need to talk to you." It'd come out in a burst of impulsiveness, no longer being able to keep it from her. From where you were laying on her lap, you'd straighten, looked down, besides her, anywhere where you didn't have to face her.

"What's up?" She'd be looking at you intently, with the shine in her eyes that showed she was curious as to what was to come and her voice gentle, as she naturally was with you.

"I really can't hold it together anymore, I struggle." You paused, didn't everyone? The words felt thick in your throat. You continued after cleaning your throat. "Mentally, 'm pretty sure it's borderline personality disorder, and theres no way to help it." Ellie stared at you, expressionless, waiting for you to continue. "It's always been there, before you, these past few weeks, and when I'm alone. I feel so trapped, Ellie." Everything you said came out rushed, in raspiness, in choked sobs that this was the end of a relationship that could've been something better in your life. "I'm not okay and I'm probably not something you want to deal with." You didn't think she wanted more baggage in this already ruined world.

Ellie didn't speak. Were you too honest? Were you too blunt? Too clingy in such a short time? What was wrong with you? A second passed by with you left in thought. "Oh, baby." Ellie pulled you in, letting you breathe in the slight dirt scent that lingered on her shirt.

She held you for awhile, allowing your tears to ease into falters before speaking again. She pulled away, her hands on your cheek, wiping the last of your tears. "You've never felt like someone I've had to deal with. Disorder or not, I'm going to stay with you, okay?"

Incredible doubt still filled your mind, her words seeming to just sink into you and not touch where it mattered. "What if you realize I'm not worth it? What if you leave? I can't handle that Ellie." You said in almost a whisper, her love was too good to be true, everyone always left when they found out the reality of your behaviors and emotions.

"You're worth more than you realize, baby. I promise you, as long as you need me, I'll always need you. We're going to do this and learn together." She'd caress your cheek, calming you with the sensation of her touch. "And besides, I'm just as scared of losing you." She'd give you a slight smile followed by a kiss on the cheek to lighten the mood. Ellie wouldn't dare make you feel like something she'd have to "deal" with. After your first mention, she picked up books from Jackson to further look into it.

Even if you knew the farm was strayed away from any communities, and it was very unlikely that any infected would stray towards the farm, the anxiety swelled up in you. It was so easy to lose Ellie and everything you've grown together, just by a simple mistake of overestimating your safety. It happened often when you'd hear a noise at night and couldn't sleep, saw something move quickly in the corner of your eye, or even when Ellie was gone for too long. Your fear would turn into forms of skin picking and eventually lead into panics that induced loss of breath and worry. Ellie, of course, did her best to help you through these panics.

You hated bothering Ellie with how you felt, but you promised her you'd be more open and try to be communicative instead of shutting off when something was happening. You kept hearing it, the clicking noise that was going to cause your death any second now.

"Ellie," you whispered, rocking her arm a bit to wake her. Her eyebrows slightly furrowed in sudden wake. Her green eyes looked pretty hazy, but she quickly rose when she saw the shakiness your body was in.

" 's the noise again, baby?" She leaned to her side to pick up her glass of water, offering it to you. Supposedly, fresh water was supposed to cool the body, along with the scent of herbs. Ellie had you trying natural supplements while she found a trader who had medication. All you could form was a simple nod after you drank from her water, your throat burning from anxiousness.

That was all Ellie needed to understand what to do. It'd happened before, and she was glad you woke her up this time. Ellie scootched closer to you, allowing your head to fall on her lap. There was no way to block the noise but to fill the silence.

Ellie took it upon herself to play with your hair, leaving tingles all across your head, and singing for you, songs she created, songs she found, songs Joel had sang for her. She filled the room with her voice to block the outside noises that burdened their mark in your mind. " 's gonna be okay, baby." Her sensation eventually soothed you. Even on rough nights, she didn't give up on helping you.

With BPD, there were empty days, days where you couldn't reciprocate anything, days where everything seemed challenging, it wasn't something you felt you could do. Completing any farm task became a haze. You mentally weren't present in the day. The things you could do seemed to be done messily, which made your helplessness feel even worse.

You knew it was time to get up, time to water the plants, fetch the clothing from the line, and prepare lunch, but you couldn't. If you tried in a state like this, everything would go bad and end up sending you into spiral. Ellie's words passed through your mind. " 'ts alright babe, only do what you can, when you can." She made sure to tell you it was okay, but you still felt useless tucked into bed while she was out hunting and fetching things from Jackson.

You decided to go downstairs and start on some laundry. It's the least you could do to stay organized at such a time. Ellie had been gone for a while now, the hallow feeling inside you carved deeper each moment you felt the absence of her. She couldn't fix you, but the knowledge that she was around made it the tiniest bit better.

A load of laundry was done when you decided to just get back in bed. There was no use fighting what was inevitable. Time passed as if you were watching a train, you weren't moving, but time surely was. You spent the rest of the day wating for Ellie, growing impatient in the increasing grayness.

While looking at the window, the sound of a door rattling burst your train of thought. Ellie's voice of letting you know she was home was faint. Would she notice that today was an off day? Would she be as caring as the other days? You heard her making her way upstairs momentarily.

The moment she walked in, she glanced at you and spoke with a gentle tone, pushing you into a cloud. "Hey baby, how're 'y holding up?" She continued around the room to change, leaving herself in a tank top and pj shorts. Your silence spoke volumes, you just couldn't respond. Your voice didn't want to be heard, it felt trapped in your throat. You nodded at her, making eye contact as reassurance you weren't mad, just drained.

Ellie grew understanding of these times, whether they lasted for days to weeks, she was there. She got into bed with you, seeking your warmth for a little while before she had to make dinner. She knew you didn't take care of yourself properly these days, so it was most obvious that she'd be right at your service, asked or not.

Arguments were not a likely thing to happen, but that didn't remove the possibility of it. Sometimes, you just couldn't help the feelings that bubbled up and were unstoppable. It came from stress, irritation, or just something Ellie said that sounded off putting. This part was the hardest for Ellie to communicate through, as she has her own communication issues; However both of you shared a fear factor of being abandoned. This alone gave the courage to work through the outbursts. Hard to handle, but ultimately manageable. (Tw for sh starts here, head to next section to skip)

Ellie had traded some time ago for pills, they were supposed to stabilize your mood, they really just made you unable to think as much and light headed. It wasn't the best medication, but it's as far as a post-apocalyptic world could provide. At first you took them daily as suggested, but when you learned Ellie had given one of her knives joel had crafted before he died, immense guilt filled you everytime you took one or even looked at them. The thought Ellie gave up something so special for you, made you nauseous.

In guilt of her action, you "forgot" to take them for several days, possible weeks. You thought if you were less dependent on them, Ellie wouldn't have to trade something like that again. What didn't cross your mind was Ellie noticing the difference of you on and off the meds. She noticed the way your irritation and mood swings became intense, noticed the way you pushed her away more often. The truth would come crashing down once the both of you made a wrong tone.

You were putting away dishes when Ellie approached you. "Tommys' invited me over tomorrow, said he's gonna talk to me about something." You usually wouldn't be annoyed at Ellie's absence but she'd hardly been home all week and you felt discarded. "Okay." Was all you could form in a rude tone. The actions of you putting away the glasses became unconsciously harsher. "Okay?" Ellie eyed you. You gave her a look and continued with the dishes.

The silence rung in your ear, you felt hot, the warmth crawling up your neck. Before you realized, a glass shatterd on the floor and made you wince. You cursed under your breathe while Ellie spoke out. "What the fuck is up with you?" Her eyebrows were furrowed and her tone was slightly impatient. "Nothins' up." You made your way to the kitchen doorway to grab a broom. "Look, I can't be doing this." You heard Ellie sigh. "You're gonna have to speak up." You hated the way your heart felt so heavy, you didn't want to "speak up", you wanted everything to end already.

You turned to look at her. "I know about the pills, Ellie." Ellie looked like she had an arrow of shock hit her. You continued to speak after a moment. "I don't want to take them if it means you'll be sacrificing things like that."

Ellie was biting the inside of her cheek, her face looking frustrated above anything. "I don't want to exhaust you any longer, I can't do it to you, Ellie." You stared at her for any signs of reading how she felt. No effort could ever tell you what she was thinking. "What's done is done, just take the fucking pills." Her tone seemed increasingly harsh. "No, Ellie, I don't want to burden you any longer."

"You've already become a fucking burden, 's too late to worry about that now." Your heart dropped. Out of everything she could've said, you never thought it'd come to that. You could tell she regretted it by the way she gasped and immediately started attempting to apologize, but you couldn't anymore. You had already began to run up the stairs into the bathroom, your mind ringing with her words. If you were a burden, it'd be better to stay in there and rot away.

You were left alone in the bathroom with your thoughts, alone with your hidden "safety" kit, if you could call a box that held such a harmful purpose, safe. But it's okay because this never left you, this was always there for you. It would just be this time you told yourself; you needed the comfort.

You knew how to clean up well, the only way Ellie would notice is if she really looked. She would probably check, considering she knew your destructive behavior. You wish you could feel pity over yourself for relapsing, but it just felt so numbing, It took no effect.

A sudden knock frightened you as you scrambled to put away all your materials. "Baby, will you please come out." You didn't know how to respond. Now that she was here, you knew how disappointed she'd be about what you did. Not telling her wasn't an option, you'd feel like a liar. "You're not a burden babe, I promise you you're not." She sounded stuffy as if she'd been crying. You couldn't ignore her for long, simply unlocking the door as an invitation.

Ellie quickly opened the door and brought you into a hug. You didn't hug back, but she understood. You stood there wondering if she'd hate you. Would she finally let you go? No, you couldn't keep doing this to yourself. You let yourself sink in her arms, crying. Her words are the last thing you remembered for the next days that passed like a fever dream. "I love you, my angel."

You never understood how quickly Ellie was able to adapt to your mania and depressive episodes. It was quite a lot to deal with and retain. You never understood until you found her journal she'd left out. You were cleaning up the table as your eyes found their way to her open words and drawings. She had thoughts, lists, notes about what was okay, not okay, what helped you, what hadn't. It was awfully sweet, she really cared and it showed. You didn't know how you manged to make her your girlfriend, her beauty and love always made your heart flutter.

Ellie once asked you to be the star of her nude drawing, as hesitant as you were, you trusted her with all your insecurities. She never showed you the drawing though, not until you came across it yourself. She portrayed your body lovingly, the curves of your skin rolled naturally, your stretch marks defining the growth you've gone through, your scars drawn fluidly. Did she really picture you like this? Did she really think you were this worth drawing for? Your heart felt warm, knowing this was how she thought of you.

The other drawings were full of you doing activities, playing with a stray cat that lingered your farm for a few months, watering the plants, petting the sheep, dancing with music, and laying on the grass. Every moment you could picture with her was sketched right in front of you.

Along the pages, there were separate sections that divided different things about your bpd.

What makes it worse

Being too touchy when she's irritated

The smell of cinnamon (oddly specific)

The pink pills

When a straight answer isn't given

What helps

Occasional weed usage (don't overuse !!)

Baths (most of the time)

The texture of her favorite sweater ( W symbol)

Treating her gentle (not too gentle)

Things to mention (that might help)

The new pill

Herbs for sleeping tea

New hobbies

Music record I found

Chore separation (on a normal day)

E- Herding sheep, hunting, fetching supplies, organizing imports

R- washing clothes, watering plants, hunting, feeding sheep

Both- Making food, cleaning, looking out for infected

surprise plans

Candlelit picnic dinner while watching meteor shower (Wednesday)

sensual massage ;)

bath with the relaxant oils I found

dancing to the record she liked but we broke (found another)

giving her the ring

#ellie williams #lesbian #ellie williams x reader #tlou 2 #ellie x reader #elliesstar #tlou ellie #ellie tlou

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antiloreolympus · 3 years

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5 Anti LO Asks

1. i feel like S1, even for its mountain of faults, at least had some pretty art and a few qualities that made it not completely irredeemable, but S2 is just a hot mess. no plot progression has happened in over a year, characters have only regressed or remained stagnant (esp persephone), the story is nothing but RS trying to "clap-back" at the "haters" or using fanfic ideas, the main couple is stale, and it seems to itll have at least 100+ more eps if not more. its not even a fun read, its a chore.

2. psyche's new design kind of proves that rachel has zero understanding of how black hair works. maybe aphrodite gave her extensions, or something? but we see her with straightened (i hesitate to say permed/relaxed because her suddenly being black was clearly a wokepoints retcon) and then her braids/twists are just ... somehow the same length. smythe said no shrinkage and no logic. talk to a black woman ONCE, for the love of god, rachel.

3. for the anon: apparently rachel's original dreamcast for apollo was michael b jordan. bold of her to assume he would ever want to be cast as the insane rapist in a white-savior romance fantasy? that is BEYOND insulting.

-----FP Spoilers/Mention-----

4. From OP: Had to remove the images but just know that they do talk about ep. 180. I have it saved in drafts so I’ll post the original when the episode come out but I’ll just describe the image for now.

Not sure is this is suppose to be ask or submit a post.

(Image of Hades telling Thanatos to get her a chair, Thanatos is shaking while Hades is angry)

Thanatos is not a fav of mind, but this interaction of fear needs to stop. When it's time to show off being a tyrant why is Thanatos constantly at the receiving end of his anger?

We have literally seen citizens disrespect this guy!

And he tells Thanatos to be grateful being a child abandon by his mother and immediately put to work as an employee so young is something to glitter for. If he recieved some apartment like Minthe or some other favor then I would backtrack, but Thanatos gets nothing, but sh*t and that's why I like his character bringing up nepotism. Grant it he did hook up with Minthe, but its not like Minthe was Hades' property. They were not together at the time and Hades was too busy having a "emotional affair" to care.

The power imbalance as boss, but also a king is already there, but Hades proceeds to always threaten him. The first time he did it. He wasn't even in the right. Instead of an investigation for the missing shades. He wrote his long time employee off as a slacker.

This interaction may be entertaining for others, but the eggshells that he has to walk on and the fact that this behavior happens even before the times of his crimes and Hades feels justified for it. Like, Thanatos how do you live like this?

And it seems like Persephone is uncomfortable with this reaction and has expressed before her dislike about this side of Hades. (Up to you on whether she should've accepted that side of him or not) but it covers my next point.

(Image of Hades telling Persephone to sit, she doesn’t look comfortable)

*Sigh* again with the little hints of power imbalance I won't bring up whats been said a thousand times so Ill get to the point. Persephone looks like a lost child commanded by her father here. Im suppose to believe that this is the manner he chooses to talk to his future queen (who is always alluded to be bada**) that he plans to wed if not now very soon? Imagine if Zeus had talked that way to Hera eyebrows would be lifted at least give a disapproving huff, Persephone. It's dialogue and mannerisms like this that constant reminds me that Persephone is a 20yr old child in comparison to the centuries old gods.

*Please note Persephone's glare to her mother and then her being back to this childlike scare when commanded. That makes this interaction towards the relationship to Hades and not just a general trial scare. (Next panel is before this one in comic)

If he made it upfront that I am strictly your lawyer and that is the dynamic we will carry this trial I would have just shrugged and accepted that he is more knowledgeable then her, but this flippy floppy cuddling Persephone to taking charge creeps me out it adds to the point. It did not feel like a mature interaction.

He comes off as this angry god who wants to protect his "cinnamon roll" in a trial! And to make things worse he is also the "judge"

And in the end of the chapter its a No emotions "I am here to defend Persephone" gig. Isn't...is that not what he should of been doing? When Persephone picked him the cliffhanger was cheaply cool and now we are doing it again?

I am at least glad that Zeus still has backbone to not Persephone glide by even for his brother. We went from "Your being to harsh on Persohone HOW DARE YOU!" to having the plot (not just Hades) have an excuse or at least have it brushed off every time Persephone's points are brought up and it's defended with emotional outbursts at that.

(Image of Hades asking Demeter why she didn’t come to him about the AOW, he’s clearly hurt)

The wording here confuses me? Tell you about what? A plan that Demeter did not know about? Or when she ran away to the underworld and Demeter did not ask for help?

Anywho, where does Hades get the nerve to speak to Demeter like this? Did you inform her of her daughter's whereabouts when she was drugged in the underworld? Or were you too fixated on your sexual urges? Oh what about the second time? Or the continuous months? Is Demeter not suppose to be a Goddess who fought along side you? "And you" is what Hades has to say to her? Hades disrespects Demeter time and time again. Not only did they argue in their youth. Hades came in drunk on Demeter's ground and even break into one of her rooms where her underage daughter lays. Constant invasion of boundaries. Just a complete lack of respect for someone you want to be your future MIL.

In the previous chapters Hades is "lumped in" everytime Poseidon and Zeus do something in his opinion, but as we see it seems like Hades has his own stories that you still don't take accountability for after that tape.

That does not even cover the added on stress of what Zeus did when he came to Demeter's garden.

I am glad she still has backbone as character because she really does not owe Hades the decency after what he did. Being a bystander or lack of action because you want to be supportive of Persephone's choices does not void distrust from Demeter. Like it's funny how he thought everything was peachy after everything.

Like seriously what is this trial?

(Any crappy flow of words and mistakes I blame mobile.)*If anything does not make sense I can answer them in notes.

5. (FP Spoilers) I don't understand what RS is doing with the trial. Like... So far it's just been Hermes and Thanatos just saying stuff about Persephone? And Thetis comes in randomly with Minthe with no prompting? There's no cross examination or order or anything. It's not really a trial it's more like a mess.

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lore olympus critical #lo critical

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saintbalor-blog · 7 years

Text

“ DIRTY (MURDEROUS) TALK ? ROMANTIC AS HELL ! ”

REQUEST: also a concept: a girl hooking up with Patrick on-and-off catches feelings for henry????

REQUEST: Im not sure if its been done yet but if not, what about one where the reader is dating patrick but getting OVERLY flirty with Henry whenever they’re all together just to get her kicks?

AUTHORS NOTE: this took me forever because i am god awful at sex + sh*t happened at home but pls enjoy buddies 👏🏼💗

Gripping onto her thick backpack strap with one hand and the other stressfully running through her hair from the hellish day at school, she pushed through the crowd of students just as eager as her to go home — for different reasons — while her pupils darted from face to face in search of the one she had agreed to meet up with after school for another one of their ‘dates’; codeword for his parents are out of town and he’s in need of a good fuck. Not receiving any sight of Patrick Hockstetter nearby, her bottom lip jutted out in a pout at the thought that she’d have to wait for him outside in the heat but quickly subsided when she caught sight of a solution, she headed towards the desolated shade a nearby tree provided. Nearing the sweet escape from the heat, the corners of her mouth unconsciously curled up into a smile at the reasoning behind the loneliness of the shade despite the lack of mercy the sun was providing them.

Tossing her backpack filled with textbooks over to the empty spot next to where Henry was seated against the tree, the sound of the sudden impact startling him and interrupting his usual smoke break before he darted off to search for the guys, he broke his intent stare on the brick wall ahead of him and looked at the girl heading his way. The losing fight against the smile threatening to make an appearance due to his favorite sight was enough to make him briskly look away, knowing if he looked a second longer then his soft facial features would break free from the blank expression he cursed them with.

Henry secretly watched from his peripheral view as she let herself get comfortable on the grass patch next to him, the cigarette dangling between his lips losing its position as his calming factor now that she was sitting here. The sparkling glint living in her eyes each time she looked at him served as the drug’s replacement, sparking a fire in his chest that the cigarette lacked the skill to do yet she never failed to do so when she looked at him with those damn eyes.

Sitting with her denim clothed legs crossed, her sharp elbows digging into her thighs and her palms cradling her face, she arched an eyebrow in Henry’s direction; unsure of why he was still trying to keep up the cool persona if they’ve been around each other for so long now. Following the trail of his hand when he stubbed the cigarette on the patch of dirt behind them, tossing the now useless stick on the floor and dropping his gaze on her, he felt himself tense under her intent stare on him — not used to the idea of having the attention of a girl he was interested in for this long.

“Waiting for me, Bowers?” She coyly teased, unaware of the effect the smile she gave him had on him.

“Wouldn’t that be a dream for you.” Henry tersely spoke, his tone oozing with a faux annoyance she’s heard him constantly use on her and his friends; not realizing that this time it was real as he knew what her plans after school were due to a blabby, lanky, brunette during their lunch period.

“Have you seen Hockstetter?”

Y/N’s innocent question was the tipping point to the kettle of anger brewing inside him towards her and Patrick, her mind seeming too oblivious to acknowledge that maybe their little flirting was real on one side. Oblivious or not to his own feelings, Y/N was smart enough to remember the fact that if she ever seriously acted out on her own share of feelings towards Bowers which have been growing recently, she would never live to see another day if news broke out to Patrick.

“Why? You gonna fuck him again, you whore?” Henry’s words for her were venomous, his mind already knowing the answer to his much dreaded question as he forced himself to look down at the girl he felt he was robbed of by his pal.

“Careful, Henry. It sounds like there’s some hostility in your voice there.” She fired back, removing a hand from the side of her face and softly pinching Henry’s cheek like a loving mother would with her little angry baby. “Aw, is baby Bowers jealous?”

The question was innocent, a harmless joke to ease the tense mood Henry had created, but it seemed to jab at something inside of him without her realizing. Swiftly closing his hand around her wrist, her index finger and thumb letting the skin of his face escape from their hold, there was a shared silence lacking awkwardness shared between them from the action — both of them enjoying the feeling of his hands on her, more than they should.

“Please, why would I ever want Patrick’s sloppy seconds?”

She would have had a snarky comeback to Henry’s constant slut shaming towards her if it wasn’t for her mind wandering off into a spiral of thoughts because of his touch. The way his fingers curled around her wrist in what should be a threatening manner yet it felt much gentler than any touch Patrick could ever give her, the way his gaze held on her was filled with a certain emotional want she wasn’t used to receiving from her usual ‘fling’, it all raced through her mind as she let him continue to hold onto her in hopes that she could feel this for just a few more moments.

“Well, look at this little love fest here.”

The sound of a third voice entering their circle caused both of them to act hastily at the sound, Henry dropping her wrist as if it were coated with infections and her stumbling to her feet to place the necessary space between her and the boy she wasn’t supposed to be sharing touches with. Wide, guilty, eyes looked up at Patrick as she watched him snatch the backpack from the floor and swing it across his shoulder. Henry’s jaw clenched at the sight, his gaze falling back on the wall straight ahead to distract himself as he heard them begin to leave; his mind constantly replaying back to the feeling of his hand on her.

“Ready to head out?” Patrick asked her, his tone appearing sweet to an innocent bystander but Y/N knew him better. She knew what that sickly tone meant, especially after what he saw, yet she still found herself taking his outstretched hand and falling into step with him — walking away from the boy who could actually offer her something serious.

🎈

“You’re seriously gonna be a drama queen about this?”

The question, taking a lot more confidence than she ever thought she could possess in his presence, was hanging in the air as Patrick remained seated at the end of his bed. His long fingers grasped onto his sheets as he stared down the girl, bunching the fabric up underneath his palms with a ferocity that made her wonder what damage it would do if it was her neck under them instead of sheets. Ignoring her question, not wanting to give time to disrespectful remarks thrown his away from someone who could never match up to him, he plastered a wide smile on his face and loosened his grip on the bedsheets.

“Come ‘ere.” Patrick’s tone, not as inviting as intended, sent chills down her spine when her mind ran through a variety of scenarios he could put her through now that they were all alone in his home.

Much against the rational part of her, she found herself tossing her annoyance to the side and waltzing into the outstretched, slender, arm waiting for her. Sighing in defeat at his arm securely hooking around her waist, pulling her frigid body in between his long legs, she flinched at the way he jerked her face forward with his hand placed behind her neck. Her lengthy eyelashes danced across the tops of her cheekbones when he pushed his lips against her lip balm coated ones, the sweet taste of artificial strawberry invading his. Placing her smaller hands against the sides of his face, feeling the dips of his pronounced cheekbones and pulling him closer with a desire that was growing to be a regular between them, she could feel the familiar feeling at the pit of her stomach when she felt his boner pressing against the crotch of his jeans; knowing what was next.

Gasping at the pinching feeling present at her mouth, crimson droplets escaping the surface of her bottom lip from Patrick’s teeth digging into it, she momentarily broke apart from the boy to reach up and wipe the blood off of her face. The hand around her waist moved from her hip to a deathly grip around her wrist, halting her cleaning action and letting Patrick bask at the sight of the deep red liquid trailing down her mouth to her chin. Pushing her face forward by the back of her neck and closer to his own, a pleasurable shudder traveled up her body when she felt the warmth of his tongue glide over the bloody trail. Her blood stained his flushed lips, making the grin he shot at her seem all the more lecherous when he took her by both of her wrists and threw her on her back on his bed.

A sense of pride swelled up in his chest at the sight of flustered girl looking up at him with an expression that almost oozed want, yearning for him to fuck her already, loving how submissive she had become for him in the little time they’ve spent together.

Slipping her shirt off of her and pulling her denim jeans off with ease, he crawled atop of her in just plaid boxers and took her throat in the hold of his large, rough, hand. Stealing another gasp from her, the breath of air escaping through her bruised and cut up lip, she eagerly tilted her head up to give him easier access to choke her; loving the feeling of his fingers curling around her neck and risking the chance of him applying more pressure than needed if he wanted.

“You look so good, shit. You’re all mine, Y/N, no one else’s.” Patrick gawked at how attractive her half naked body looked under his, the lethal grip on her throat growing tight in excitement. “You’ll never be anyone else’s, okay? Even if I don’t want to fuck you anymore or even look your way, you’re still all fucking mine.” Y/N absent mindlessly nodded at his threatening words, already understanding the imaginary contract she mercilessly signed with her body the day she agreed to fuck him in the boy’s lockers room for the first time.

Moaning at his loveless touch, her body arching up to him when his fingers began rubbing circular motions against her underwear. She quickly forgot about the heavy annoyance she felt towards his petty jealousy about her and Henry, her only focus being the way his fingers heavily pressed against the damp cloth, his mouth pressing up against the skin resting above the waist band of her underwear to sloppily leave a trail of not so sweet kisses.

Eyes now wide from how hard he was holding her by the throat, she idly watched as he brought his lips up to her ear and squirmed when he pushed himself into her without warning. Teeth clenched in pain and tears prickling at the rim of her eyes when he thrusted into her, she felt his hot breath against her ear and expected him to give her the usual dirty words he spewed with an, obvious, faux sweet tone coating them. She let her fingers get lost in his dark brown locks, waiting for his false words to push her to her edge as his thrusts grew slower and longer but instead, she was met with him loosening up his hold on her throat and words she never dreamed of hearing.

“I just wanna tell you that if you ever betray me, I swear I’ll murder your ass without second thought, baby.” Patrick whispered in her ear as if it was regular dirty talk he recalled seeing in those videos he sometimes used to get himself off before bed. “I’ll — I’ll drive a knife right into your chest and twist it around in there, let you suffer a little bit before I drive a bullet in between your eyes.”

“Patrick—“

She wasn’t sure anymore if she was breathing his name because of the amazing sensation he was giving her between her legs or the shock factor his dirty talk held; the thought of killing her turning him on more than she could with her own hands and mouth.

“Shh, I’m not done talking.” Patrick squeezed her throat tighter as a sign to stop talking, the adrenaline in her increasing in volumes as she wondered if he was actually going to live out his dream today with the way he was allowing her little to no air in the moment. “Don’t you wanna know what I’d do to you, honey?” He cooed, the pet names not falling well off his tongue since she knew he only utilized them when he had ill intentions.

“Then I’d fuck around with your little, lifeless, body for a bit till I get bored.” He continued, even though, she hadn’t offered him a yes to his previous question; the lack of air and the way he felt inside of her not providing enough distraction from his threats. “Then I’ll cut you up into pieces, maybe even leave a piece for Henry since you want to get all handsy with him now.”

And there it was, there was the reasoning that she was sure led him to think of her in that position he was voicing, the excitement trailing his words becoming a little too much for her.

“I didn’t —“

She helplessly tried once again, only to be interrupted by herself moaning when he hit that spot. Sliding her hands down his back, her nails digging into the smooth skin and tainting it with red lines, the pleasure of her doing that only providing him with more fuel to continue.

“Then, I’ll hide the pieces of your dead body so well that you’ll be as good as gone as those missing kids we’ve been hearing about. Your parents will never get closure about what happened to their little girl.”

Patrick let a hand loosely trail down the curve of her side, stopping when he felt the familiar jutting of her hip bone and gripping well enough to leave his fingers imprinted on her with a deep, indigo hue the next day. She let her eyelids drape her eyes, the feelings becoming all too much for her to handle at once; him inside of her, the vile words he was feeding her, his hands working on leaving marks that she was his.

“You want that, baby?” Patrick grabbed onto her face with force, fingers digging into the hollows of her cheeks and forcing her to look up at his panting face. “You want me to make your parents wish you never met a boy like me?”

“N-No.” Y/N struggled to speak from the way her mind rather wanted to focus on him fucking her, the never ending hold on her throat not helping her focus on his words.

“So, stop being a little slut with other boys.” Patrick sneered, giving her face a brief squeeze and dropping his hand from her face when he felt himself begin reach his tipping point. “Then, maybe I’ll reconsider it but if I see Henry lay one finger on you, I’ll make sure I keep my word. Okay?”

Y/N nodded, unaware at the gravity of the situation she was agreeing to, their bodies desperate for the release they were about to receive.

“Good girl.” Patrick panted after he felt himself come inside of her, watching her take a deep breath in when he freed her neck from his tight hold, grinning down at the red hand prints visible on the side of her neck.

Patrick removed himself off of her tired and bruised body, sliding his boxers back on at the side of his bed and running a clammy hand through his hair, feeling how damp it was with sweat when he looked down at her in a studious way. Had it not been for the expression on her flushed face that basically read fear all over, he could’ve seen himself going for a round two from the sight of her naked and battered body so delicately splayed across his bed.

“What’s up with you?” Patrick asked, his body empty of the sense of jealousy and anger he felt earlier and instead replaced with an almost euphoric feeling.

“Nothing.” She mumbled with uncertainty, still shaken up from the grave seriousness his voice held when he was talking about his murder fantasy in bed — the one where she was the main star and he was the killer.

“We’re gonna go hang with the guys now, you can walk home after so hurry up and get dressed.”

Taking one last satisfied glance in her direction before he headed to the front door to wait for her, she felt her blood grow cold at the smile he flashed her, knowing that this would be a test on his words and she wasn’t sure if she would pass; aware that she had no control over Henry’s actions.

#patrick hockstetter one shot #patrick hockstetter imagine

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houses-of-healing · 7 years

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I'm upset. I've run for two positions of leadership in robotics related student organizations and I lost one, and got a really low level position the second. I consider myself a leader and I was confident in my abilities but I'm starting to wonder if they're right and I'm missing something or I've been doing something wrong. I don't know what to do and I'm realizing now that I'm expecting too much of myself and others by trying to do all this when I'm not put together. I don't deserve these

(forgot to number, part 2 of “I’m upset.”) Positions of power and I’m really confused. I feel a wreck and I’m exhausted of fighting for what’s right and trying to fix everything. I’m just so tired, and what’s worse is that I’m stuck in this emotionally abusive family for two more years and I can’t get out. And on the robotics thing, there were awards and things I wanted to do, to accomplish, and now I don’t think I can. Since im not in power I can’t really do anything until next year; and at(part three of “I’m upset”) Point I’ll only have one year, one season to pull everything together. I wanted to accomplish something but right now I feel small and powerless. I know once I get out of this damn abusive house I’ll probably collapse with burnout from not only that but school, and I’m just so fucking sick of feeling so helpless. I usually make do by not giving a fuck, but that’s not working at the moment. I’m already trying to raise money for the move after I graduate, and I’m only(pt 4 of “im upset”) I’m only 16. I feel like a hypocrite for even bringing it up bc I usually get angry and defensive when people bring up my age because of my history with that being used as reasoning to dismiss my ideas and arguments and validate their abuse. Im starting to realize too many things about my behavior and I hate that my parents and my terrible environment have shaped it all but I’m also simultaneously okay with it bc I try to convince myself i like who I am now and so it’s okay(Pt 5 of Im upset) because it’s ‘made me who I am today’, but its just frustrating as fck. I hate feeling like I’m merely existing in a cage, I hate feeling so damn helpless and afraid. My mom recently confiscated my tarot cards (shes previously taken books I bought with my own $ or received of my own volition, and uses her ‘religion’ to abuse me). Im too tired to practice my beliefs and I don’t have that invaluable tool so its become rlly hard for me to get valuable advice. Thnks 4 listening -C

ASK FROM C TO ANYONE

To my dearest friend C,I hope you are doing okay now. I know it’s a very tough situation to be in right now, but remember you are extremely brave and resilient! You are here and that is what’s the most important. I’m so proud of you.You will hear this a lot and I know you've heard this many many times before, but you are very, very young. You have only a couple of years left, but once you become legally independent (that's very important to think about, when you decide to move out of a situation like yours) you will have many more opportunities and many chances to find good support and love. Right now, you are doing what you CAN do. I would suggest trying to find other ways to cope, like using tarot card websites, or if you have an iPhone, perhaps Vivi's Tarot Card app! (It gives you a daily tarot card thats very positive. I have used it so, so many times and it can, at the very least, affirm your decisions.) Its disrespectful to confiscate any possession of your child, in my opinion, but despair not. When my beloved friends, Sam, Pippin and Merry and I went on our journey, we lost many things valuable to us. It was frightening, to be out without anything familiar to us. We took comfort in remembering the small happinesses we had or taking in what was good in the moment, like the spring breeze, or how warm the fire feels on our poor feet after being frozen to our bone. You, too, can find comfort in the small things. If you have a library near by or a computer, you can find ways to download books of your choosing to read. Your parents can't take them away and you will have the memories. (I suggest using goodreads.com if you want to remember the books you've read or quotes you want to remember!) And you can and will find resources to help you move out and manage being an adult at a young age. howtogrowthefuckup is one good tumblr resource. There are many, many more. There are helplines and text crises lines you can use when you are feeling upset or in despair. You can always come to us, as well. Dear C, I can not show you the deepest amount of pride and admiration I have for you. You are so young, but you stay pure and even on the journey of life, which has so many brittle nettles that sting you, orcs that come find you, you are here. You are not alone. You can reach out to support groups online if need be or even find self-help worksheets to help you cope. Please keep in touch with us at the houses of healing; we do care for you and want to make sure you are safe. For now, keep your chin up, remember you are alive and you can make it through this. When I'm in a slightly safer space on my journey, I will update you with more references and such to help. But for now, feel your heart, take deep breathes in and out, and focus on what you need to get done now, even if it seems trivial. (It is not. Every good deed you do will continue to gather and give you goodness in the future as well.) I suggest also, when you're feeling the most down, think about your future and what you want. You deserve love and support and encouragement, unconditionally. Its something you will have. Thinking or writing down things you want in your future, whether its small, like being able to buy a giant tub of animal crackers or bigger, like ...having a pet to love and be loved by, can help you stay focused.Do not be afraid. You are doing so, so well. Stay in touch, C. All my love and wishes,Frodo Baggins______(lol i cant make a cut on mobile)_____C, I've been in your place before. It sucks. It feels like you're trapped forever. I've had friends who went to hell and came back (literally a few have been homeless) And we are alive. We are okay. We're always trying to find ourselves, but it gets better and easier. It takes time though. You're young. I promise, if you take the chances the universe gives you, it'll be okay. I'm an elusive mod on HOH, but I can always do a tarot reading for you on my personal blog if you feel like you need that. I promise!!!! It gets easier to handle life, it gets better and things will be okay. Sh*t sucks now, but it will never stay like that. I promise you that. -Admin Clare

#abusive relationship tw #family tw #religion tw #answered by frodo #admin: clare

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