#and idk just hearing her tell me that she sees me. that she sees how hard I'm trying. man. it's. im not gonna cry | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

comradekatara · 2 days

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i read somewhere that, after the war, zuko at least hands hama over to the swt instead of keeping her in fire nation prisons 'till the end of her life. Which is nice, I think. But I'm also curious as to how that would work out.

Most notably: how do you think it'd go down if she were to meet Pakku? given they both have some sort of connection to kanna's life, the idea of them being forced to interact even once entertains me very much. like, old waterbending master pakku—white lotus member—who has grown up in a patriarchal society and actively forbidden women from training to fight, under the precedent they are somehow ontologically weaker, fragile, and belonging in the healing huts... THAT guy, meeting his former fiancé's old friend: (or current wife's if you go by canon, which, eugh) A woman who not only fought in the front lines but ended up becoming one of the most skilled, creative, and deadly waterbenders in history. How would he react when finding out that a woman came up with blood bending? How badly would Hama mind-fuck him?? Because I'm confident they'd hate each other's guts-- no way she'd tolerate him,,,

And on a similar note—how would Kanna feel upon reuniting wirh Hama and discovering what she put Katata through, in your opinion? Idk, I'm just full of puppetmaster thoughts today. Hama is incredibly interesting and I wish she wasn't handled so much like a Halloween Specisl creepy witch, (even though katara herself is handled and written pretty well in this episode, i think. but i digress.)

i mean obviously i think about this all the time. i personally think that zuko hands hama over to the swt upon katara's request, and she and aang personally deliver her on appa (sokka is not there, for the very deliberate reason that if he knew what they were doing he would very vocally disapprove). and so katara is sort of retraumatizing herself by doing this, but she also feels like it's necessary specifically because she needs to be able to look hama in the eye and tell her why they're not actually the same (especially now that she actually did bloodbend someone in cold blood). katara has the love and support and safety to step back from her anger and her pain and her grief and hang onto her own humanity and allow herself to be the bigger person even in moments of abject rage and acute trauma, and hama doesn't. hama is a victim of her circumstance, and that's part of what makes her so uniquely terrifying to katara, because katara has that same capacity to make people hurt, she has the same tools at her disposal, and she has the same justifications to exercise that power. but unlike hama, she hasn't actually been pushed past her limits. sometimes she can see the cliff's edge, and sometime she even teeters on the line, but hama was fully just shoved off without a parachute, and that's really what separates them above all. i think katara should be allowed to acknowledge that and forgive herself for that, even if hama doesn't directly apologize to her (although in my mind she does, and it's not enough, but it's also so much more than katara ever expected to hear). even if it is too late for hama, katara deserves to heal.

frankly, i don't really give a shit about pakku or his reaction to hama. i also don't actually think that he thinks woman are ontologically incapable of being talented waterbenders of whatever; he's a pretty worldly guy, the reason he clings to these traditions isn't born of the belief that they're grounded in logical evidence like sokka's is, it's because he believes in the preservation of a system that benefits and valorizes him. pakku thinks katara belongs in the healing huts because he comes from a culture that dictates that women belong in the healing huts. like, he might also subscribe to the bioessentialist logic that women are better healers and men are being fighters, but that honestly doesn't really matter, because (unlike sokka) his epiphany lies not in the fact that woman can fight, but in the fact that his role in upholding these systems has actively driven his loved ones away due to his cruelty. he decides to be kinder, to women and in general, because he realizes that being an asshole has negative consequences. but frankly, who cares what he thinks of hama. realizing that your sister tribe in the south deserves aid and protection after being subjected to a century of genocide is kind of too little too late imo. unlike katara, sokka, aang, or kanna, who can approach this situation from the perspective of being a genocide survivor who even remotely understands hama's trauma, pakku really has no place in this conversation to me.

as for kanna...... god. hama/kanna reunion is genuinely one of the most heart-wrenching concepts to me in all of atla. as a sidenote, hama/kanna fanfic goes so hard every time. there's a total of like 15 fanfics for them on ao3 (last i checked) but they're all sooooooo. fucking delicious. tide locked........... ugh. anyway. i cannot fathom kanna's reaction upon learning that her closest friend once upon a time is not only alive, but also a convicted felon, for crimes including but not limited to manipulating her granddaughter, violating her (and sokka's) bodily autonomy in cruel and perverse ways, and forcing her to participate in that mode of violence in a way that traumatized her forever. even if you don't read them as former lovers (although it is indubitably better that way) it's so gut-churning. kanna lost so many people over the course of her life, and to learn that one of them has returned but in the worst way possible must be mind-boggling and distinctly unreal. like how do you even process that. first, how do you process how much pain she must have went through to become the kind of person who is capable of doing this, and then, how do you process the knowledge that the person you once loved most in the world irreparably hurt the person you now love most in the world? obviously she would always prioritize katara's safety over anyone else's no matter what, but god. kanna has led such a fascinating and impossibly difficult life, and it's not over yet.

#kallianthi #asks #analysis #postwargaang #hama #katara #pakku #kanna #hamaxkanna #hama&katara #also i didn't mention it in the post itself bc i've talked about it before but yeah i very much agree that i wish hama had been framed #differently because i do feel like making her into a cackling witch kind of undermines the whole point of the episode #she's someone who is deserving of our empathy and understanding despite her violence and by reducing her into a caricature #we lose that nuance #but otherwise it's such a fascinating episode....#kataraaa.... katara i love you katara <33333

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pedge-page · 2 days

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Imagine baby Sarah angry with Joel for not giving into her asks and wants like idk candy maybe and sides with reader going behind Joel’s back to ask the exact same thing and then in the middle of the day Joel questions how Sarah got a lollipop and reader says that Sarah told her that Joel said yes but to ask reader as well and they then connect the dots to discover that they’ve been played

Joel Dealing with Preggo Wife: Sarah's Bargain

Notes: I’ve derailed from this prompt a little because Sarah’s gotta outsmart all of the adults in the room.

- - - -

Sarah and Joel are walking through the gas station mart when she spots the colorful rack of assorted candy.

"Daddy, can I have one ring pop?"

"No," he responds plainly, counting the twinkies in his hand and figuring out how many he can get before you yell at him.

"Why not."

He grabs two bottles of Pepsi in one hand before heading over to the check out counter. “Because I said so."

She grumbles and follows close behind him. "If I clean my room--"

"You can't bargain with me. I'm not mom. My answer is no."

She thinks about it for a moment. Then smiles. "Ok Daddy, I understand."

Joel is surprised she acquiesced so quickly. She seems to have gotten over the tantrum phase. Maybe he's doing a pretty good job at this parenting thing after all.

-

Later on, you take Sarah along with you to go grocery shopping. "Mom.”

"Yes bubba."

"Dad said if I cleaned my room, I could have a ring pop."

You pause, surveying the special deal for pepsi cans. Despite Joel telling you about the suspicious amount of pepsi that’s been disappearing from his stock, you hadn’t touched any. In fact, you had your own stock that you suspect he’s found out and been stealing from.

“What?”

“A ring pop,” she repeats. “Dad said if if cleaned my room, I could have one.”

Thats very uncharacteristic of him to bargain with Sarah.

"He did? So what are you coming to me for?"

"Well he said ONLY if you agreed. Said it was OK but to ask mom first to be sure."

Fuck, making me do the hard decision. Joels always the favorite, and if you say no now, then it’s going to make you the mean mom for no reason. You did see she cleaned her room without being told...

You grab the pepsi case, hoping Joel won't scold you for your own hoarders pile.

You see the innocent batting of her eyes just as you look over to the candy aisle. “Well if Dad said yes..."

-

Sarah and Joel are sitting at the table as he unwraps his secret stash of pepsi and Twinkie’s away from you.

"I asked mom for a ring pop and she said yes,” she mentions while coloring her book.

Joel freezes with half the cream custard in his mouth. “I said—“

"Its ok! I told her since you had said no, that she didn't need to get me one. I just wanted to see if she would..."

"You trying to set me up against mom?"

"No..." she adds quickly. "I just... thought it would be an interesting experiment.” She smiles softly, before turning to a very mature, saddened tone. “But then I realized it was wrong and I should have listened to you in the first place. So I didn’t take it because I know you said no."

He thinks about it for a moment. Now you’re going to come to him lecturing about why Sarah doesn't get things when she CLEARLY has a good sense of responsibility, going as far to say no to something she clearly wants just to respect him. She's also smart to test both of you, and even when she could have had it, she still refused.

“Alright. Just cuz I'm proud of ya.” He dusts the power from his fingers and fishes for his wallet. “You’re a smart kid. But I don't want you testing your mom n’ me for the same answer. And I don't want to get in trouble with her. I'll get you one. Just this once ok?"

She nods solemnly and crosses her heart. “I won’t say anything.”

-

The next day, you hear Joel and Sarah coming in from the garage and you quickly stash your pepsi behind the potted plant. Your daughter gives you a fat kiss on the cheek before running to the living room and turning on the tv.

You and Joel sit at the table. “I saw the can by the way.” He remarks.

You grunt, pulling the aluminum from its hiding spot and proudly sipping it before crinkling it in your hand. “Well I haven’t been stealing from you. I …have my own stash.”

Joel gasps, offended and surprised by your double standards. “And you yell at me n’ my Twinkies!”

"There better not be any f-ing twinkies in this house Joel Miller," you point at him threateningly.

"Nope none Nada. Haven't seen any." he slowly tucks the new plastic back full of them under his legs.

"The two of you talk about Sarah having cleaned her room without being told.

"Yeah, I ended up getting her the ring pop,” he tells you.

You furrow your brows.

“?… but, I got her the ring pop. She said you told her I would get if it I also approved? I didn’t want to be the mean mom!"

Fuck, Joel knows you get too worked up on trying to be too nice and cater to Sarah... "What? I told her no first. I never said it was up to you. Then she said she asked you and you said yes, but she refused yours, so I got her it instead for being responsible. I told you to stop worrying about being the nice mom!”

You also know Joel's a sucker for marveling Sarah's experimental mind and working on being responsible over getting what she wants. "She did NOT refuse my offer. what are you talking about?"

Tommy comes in moments later, and waves to the two of you through the open door. Sarah runs up to him near the doorway, and he greets her first suspiciously. They do a funky little hand shake, and you catch a glimpse of something silver going into his palm before she retreats to the living room

"What are you doing here?" Joel asks.

Tommy shrugs. "Uh nothin’ just.."

"Did you just slip her a ring pop??" You ask incredulously.

He huffs a guilty sigh. "Sarah asked for a ring pop because you guys told her no, so I went to pick one up at the store as long as she didn’t tell either you...."

Fuck. You and Jole BOTH know Tommy's complex about wanting to be Sarah's favorite uncle (despite the fact you keep reminding him he's her ONLY uncle and he has no competition).

Above all else, Sarah knows these weakness about each of you. You all look over to her as she unwrap a third ring pop, putting all of them on her one hand and switching back and forth sucking on them. There's an open Pepsi can clutched in her other tiny palm that she sips from, with an exceedingly satisfied grin on her face.

- - - -

Taglist:

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#joel miller fan fiction #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller fanfiction #last of us fanfiction #joel miller fic #the last of us fanfiction #joel and sarah #joel miller fluff #the last of us fluff #the last of us fic #tlou fluff #tlou fic #tlou fanfiction #last of us fic #joel dealing with preggo wife

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wabatle · 2 days

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hi!!!!!

can i req mafuyu, airi, an, akito, shiho, and rui with a super affectionate s/o?

sorry if that's too many characters, feel free to just ignore this

tysm, I love your work! ♡♡♡

WHAT THE HECK YOU PICKED ALL OF MY FAVORITES WHAT

so just for u anon i will put hearts instead of stars

♡~Mafuyu, Airi, An, Akito, etc, with a super affectionate s/o

(wa)batle nonsense (author's note):

this took me forever but I worked really hard on it, so ty for the request! and don't worry, currently i don't have a character limit, and i even added more!

warnings: none/all fluff

taglist: @stellas-starry-stove13, Rui and Akito are waiting!

♡~Mafuyu Asahina

The idea of being showered in affection is a foreign topic for her since her mother is a terrible person

She feels a subtle warmth when you’re being affectionate with her, like something that could never be replicated by someone else

Although she doesn’t understand what she’s feeling, she does know that when you put your arm around her or put your head on her shoulder she feels a sense of security and relief

I can see her as not minding innocent PDA, like holding hands in public or small cheek kisses, but save the more affectionate stuff for home

I think she sees your affection almost as a safe space, so she will always drop her good girl act around you so she can feel like the affection she’s getting is real

When she sees you attached to her, if you look close enough, you might be able to see a real smile

♡~Airi Momoi

Airi probably thinks it's really cute, and returns it whenever she can!

If you play with or style her hair, she might protest a little, but she won't complain after its done

She might get flustered if you're being really affectionate, but most of the time she'll be okay

I can see her as someone who is also very affectionate, so you two would probably cuddle a lot after school or streams

She probably also wants to be spoiled with cuddles and kisses after a show, so make sure you do that

Gonna be honest— movie nights are a must, she loves to be close to you and loves that you love to be close to her

You probably also play-fight all the time, often resulting in one of you hurting yourselves, but not a bad injury

Overall, she would be a really cute and affectionate girlfriend if you were also affectionate with her

♡~An Shiraishi

Another who would think it's cute and return the favor!

I cannot even describe how much An loves this

You probably pinch each other's cheeks a lot (I know it's cringe, but I just feel like that would happen)

If you're shorter than her, she will wrap her arms around your waist while you cook

If you're taller, she'll put herself in between your arms in front of you while you cook

Same thing for you but vice versa

I can see you being kept up late because you guys can't stop giggling and complimenting each other, and constantly cuddling each other so much one of you almost falls off the bed

You probably sit on each other's laps all the time. I'm sorry but it's true

Idk why, but I can see you two cuddling and writing down lyrics or thoughts for songs and shows

An loves to tease and make you all red, so you should do the same for her

♡~Akito Shinonome

He…likes it

Akito really likes being able to go home and cuddle with you after a long day, and watching a movie with you

He enjoys being showered in affection from you, because it means he gets to spend meaningful time with you

Ena hears about you nonstop. To the point where she has to forcibly change the subject to get him to stop talking about you

Akito would return your affection through gifts, I think

He would ask Ena what he should get you, or he’ll find something he just knows you would like, and he'll buy it on the spot

When you're cuddling or play-fighting, you might get him to tell you that you’re cute

Kisses. So. Many. Kisses.

For some reason, I see Akito as someone who is easily influenced by his s/o in some ways, so I think when you're being extra affectionate with him, he’ll be extra affectionate with you too

So I can see you sitting in his lap, or with in between his legs, or vise versa

If you're sitting like this, he will kiss the back of your head over and over again

He also would lay with his head in your lap and have you play with his hair (or vice versa, he would play with your hair too)

He will hug you from behind at home

♡~Shiho Hinomori

Shiho likes to be alone.

Let me specify, she likes to be alone with you.

PDA is a no-go with her, not even holding hands

Shiho really isn’t a person to like any type of affection, yet somehow she was able to fall in love with you, the most affectionate person she knows (even more than Saki!)

Shiho will hug you back and kiss you back, but only if you do it first so she knows what she’s doing

As much as she would hate to say it, she would ask Shizuku for advice on how to…relationship?

She would return your affection by letting you sit as close as possible and practicing her bass for you

She doesn’t really like clinginess, but she will accept pretty much anything from you

Shiho does appreciate your company, though

♡~Rui Kamishiro

Rui will 100% return it tenfold.

He will carry you around the house, outside, wherever you want to go

You can sit on his lap while he works on new blueprints for robots he’s working on

He’s very sweet to you and lets you be affectionate in anyway you want to to him

Slow dancing. I can see you two slow dancing at home randomly

You also sit in between his legs sometimes

He will let you cling onto him while he tells you about his ideas for shows or concepts for inventions

He probably can’t not cuddle you when you’re being affectionate, and that’s when the seating positions come in

It’s hard for you two to fall asleep because you keep whispering compliments in his ear and he keeps doing the same for you

If you go to the same school you have lunch on the rooftop everyday where you will cuddle together

If you don’t go to the same school then you’ll have to be like Emu and infiltrate

Not to mention kisses

He will kiss you anywhere on your face, the back/top of your head, even ears or neck

He likes to hold you close to him and stroke your head

Idk why but I feel like when you kiss it’s like something out of disney movie

☆BONUS☆

♡~Ichika Hoshino

Ichika will get flustered very quickly depending on what you’re doing

If you’re flirting, expect her face to get red

If you’re just hugging her a lot, she’ll still get red but she’ll hug you back

Like Shiho, one of the ways she’ll return your affection is by playing her guitar while you’re curled up next to her

Yet another who would stay up late by complimenting you

She practices singing around you, and when she gets nervous practicing she’ll squeeze your hand

She’ll ask you for your ideas for lyrics while you’re clinging onto her

She’s fine with pretty much any way you sit, as long as it’s not on each other

She’ll happily hold hands with you anywhere you go, and maybe even link arms!

♡~Shizuku Hinomori

She loves it!

You cling onto each other when you’re walking around, and cuddle together 99% of the time you’re at home together

You sit with your arms around each other and either one of you has their head on the other’s shoulder

When you hug her arm while she’s putting her miso soup in her thermos, she probably drops everything and hugs you back

When you go out shopping together you’re linking arms or one of you is clinging to the other’s arm

She’ll also let you sit with your head in her lap while she plays with your hair

She would love it if you sat behind her and styled her hair however you want! And then she’ll tell you how much she loves it and how good of a job you did, even if it doesn’t look good.

WHEW, MY LONGEST FIC YET!

want to know the word count?

1,360 words

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twomanyfandomshelp · 28 days

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I watched Scott’s Real Life video first because he and Joel are the main two I watch, which is ironic because of their ongoing in-game feud and very different personalities, video styles, general vibes, etc., but I digress.

My first thought when I saw the title was “Yay, another life series!” My second thought, upon seeing Joel standing in the circle, was “Oh my gosh, Joel, three SMPs at the same time? Why does he do this to himself?” Then, after watching for a bit, I was like, “Okay, never mind, this an April Fools video, still fun though.” And then I proceeded to enjoy the silliness and binge everybody else’s videos.

Let me tell you, watching Martyn’s video before Scar’s and hearing Scar yell that he’d fallen out of his wheelchair, I was really worried, and I immediately searched for Scar’s video to make sure he was okay. I’m glad he’s alright, I bet that was scary.

On another note, do y’all consider Cleo’s win cannon? Cause I do! Go Cleo, she deserved this.

I’m kinda sad it wasn’t Joel or Jimmy though, I got really excited when I realized how well Jimmy was doing. He got, what, 7th place? The canary curse has officially been broken!

This post has gotten way longer than I intended. Oh well.

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moeblob · 1 month

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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.

Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.

#my characters #waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit #deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee #and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name #deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c #man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while #he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair #ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so #its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons #but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me #and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not #fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew #and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable #while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts #and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed #so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en #so you know maybe its that idk #and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now #and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it #and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad #that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal #and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it #the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer #anyway story time in the tags again #im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note #its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him #he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times #and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea #and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you

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voidscreamns · 1 year

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./

#i dont think i’ve talked my nonverbal!Diluc hc on here yet #but i keep seeing posts abt disability/chronjcally ill/neurodivergent hcs for genshin characters so here’s one from me #idk i feel like after That Night™️ and being on the run from the Fatui/working with a secret organization #diluc not just learns the ‘value’ of keeping secrets and staying quiet but also internalizes his guilt and trauma of saying smth that could #hurt people #it started with him telling Kaeya that he’s not a Ragnvindr anymore and then is exacerbated by his 3-4 Year Fatui Murder Rampage thru Teyvat #and with all ghat trauma and self-deprecation and paranoia he just. stops talking.#he picks up sign language in Fontaine and still writes but at some point he just stops talking and never speaks again #when he comes back to Mondstadt it was hard to adjust to for both him and the people around him #Kaeya initially assumes that Diluc just refuses to talk to him until he later hears gossip abt how no one has ever heard him speak since he #came back. he goes to Adelinde and/or Elzer abt it and they tell him that they neve even hear Diluc so much as hum or grunt #afterwards everyone changes up real fast— Kaeya and Venti drinking at the bar and seemingly just talking at Diluc but they’re always #observing his reactions and body language even when they’re drunk #Jean tries her best to be patient but she has a hard time reading him bc he’s changed so much in the time he’s been gone #Adelinde & Elzer and the winery staff are the most communicative he’s with— Diluc is far more likely to write with them to communicate #at some point Diluc has a business meeting with some rich dude from Fontaine or smth #Kaeya walks in bc he has an actual important mission thinf to discuss and he sees Diluc and this Fontaine dude and the dude’s wife #moving their hands so fast and with all kinds of gestured and stuff #and it’s the first time Kaeya sees Diluc look so EXPRESSIVE— he’s frowning and raising his eyebrows and mouthing words and all this #and Kaeya just goes ‘what’#turns out the Fontainian dude is deaf and both him and his hearing wife know sign; she helps interpret this to kaeya for the dude and Diluc #and Kaeya is like ‘oh okay’ and goes to the kitchen like ‘i’ll just wait here till yall are finished’#and he sees Adelinde and Elzer there with stoic faces and they just. stand there in quiet for so long.#Kaeya finally says ‘…..so. sign language huh’ and Adelinde and Elzer have the most pained looks on their faces #later that week Diluc finds like everyone around suddenly doing basic signs with him #he later learns that the winery has ordered a shitton of signing books from Fontaine and are trying to learn #+ Kaeya and Jean too with help from Lisa bc like dont you know learning several languages is a requirement for graduation from the Akademiya #soon the use of sign starts spreading in Mondstadt— there might be some small communities where they have their own native sign but it’s not #as standardized nor widely known as it is in Fontaine #this is getting really long so I’ll stop here but yeah. nonverbal Diluc who signs fjskdjs

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ineed-to-sleep · 10 months

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My therapist told me today that I'm one of her patients who's made the most progress in the last two years and honestly I have a feeling I'm getting a good grade at therapy

#which is ofc something real and achievable #but fr fr tho I'm so proud of my progress 🥲 I think most ppl don't really acknowledge how much therapy is actually hard #like exposing yourself. being vulnerable. opening up about your fears and insecurities and really shameful things #and being open to try a new perspective and actually going through the motions of putting yourself out there #putting things to the test and feeling wrong and having your body react like a prey animal the whole time #and still push through and keep trying again and again until your brain finally assimilates that this is you now #this is how you want to think and live your life now and you're not gonna have it any other way #it's hard and you don't do it perfectly and you go back to your sessions and you try again #there's hard truths we have to admit about ourselves there that we aren't always ready for #but you just keep going and things do eventually change #even though sometimes it feels like a painfully slow process #and idk just hearing her tell me that she sees me. that she sees how hard I'm trying. man. it's. im not gonna cry #sleep.txt #it's been real. fr fr

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hella1975 · 9 months

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sometimes i think about the fact my grandparents literally overnight just cut us off and im like. how did u even do that. does it torment you

#eeaao's 'how did you let me go so easily' moment. like i dont let myself even THINK about this too often #bc i immediately beat myself back with the 'if it's hard for you then imagine how hard it is for mum. her PARENTS cut her off'#but like. idk. my nan i couldn't give less of a shit about which is something i always find so interesting #bc even as a child with NO basis for it or any understanding of her behaviour both past and present i still wasn't Comfortable around her #like children are smart actually. i just Knew her vibes were off and i Knew my mum was weird when she was around #like i truly dont think i ever loved my nan even when she was a very frequent part of my life #but my grandad? i ADORED him. id see him multiple times a week and he's the kindest man ive ever met #and hannah what i told you about my mum saying certain people have magnetic auras THAT WAS ABOUT HIM #like i cant actually put into words what it was about him but people just wanted to know him and spend time with him #but he was weak and let my nan walk all over him and when push came to shove he chose her and now ive not spoken to him in 3 years #& i KNOW he loved me. he thought the world of me like it's a bitter unspoken thing between me & my sister that we KNOW i was his favourite #he used to buy me egg butties at agricultural shows when my mum said no and specifically ask for two eggs #he used to sit and eat his soup with me when he came over to do work at the house #he used to play with me. he used to smile all the time. i can so clearly hear the way he'd go ''iya [my name]' with his proper rural accent #or how he'd tell anyone who would listen 'she's tough as old boots that one'#and i could make him laugh like NO ONE else could and he'd light up and go 'give over' and he genuinely enjoyed my company #i KNOW HE DID. and i havent spoken to him in 3 years. he'll be dead soon #and i cant talk to my mum about it bc it's her DAD it is so much worse for her and i cant talk to my sister about it #bc she wasn't close with him like i was and she just shuts the conversation down and those are the only two people #who know my grandad and know what he meant to me so im just here like. he literally stopped speaking to me overnight #i stopped hearing from him i stopped meeting up with him im so so angry with him the love is still there i dont know where to put it now #why couldnt he stay. why did he pick her when she's a loveless void of inhumanity. why werent we enough #hella goes home #my grandparents on my dad's side are also not in the picture funnily enough but idgaf about them. she got that grandparentless swag

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no-light-left-on · 10 months

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hot take but taking every hearsay or rumor or book in a fictional universe for fact is bad understanding of the world as the story presents it, actually

#li.txt #this is both about dishonored and elder scrolls #propaganda exists! artistic interpretation exists! lie exist! people make shit up!#you cant take anything literally unless youre seeing it for yourself imo #if someone is telling you a story about their life they might omit information or make themselves look better! thats how people work!#or if you hear idk some musicians singing in the streets about an ancient myth from 4k years ago maybe dont take it for fact #this is a direct callout to people shitting on born in the month of darkness #if anything they were trying to make the outsider sound like a pathetic wet cat in need of a warm blanket and food. a poor meow meow #unless stuff is confirmed by the characters themselves Im not gonna believe it fully #the books are also often just. not true. theyre scientific speculation Just Like Real Life #or full on propaganda. just like - you guessed it - real life!#the best example that I can think of is how theres two books on the war of betony island in daggerfall. political!! propaganda!!!#not to mention: people will deceive you on purpose! omit details or full on Lie in your face #like Im sure theres stuff we completely misunderstood cause the one thing we were told about it was by someone bullshitting #like with delilah talking about her tragic backstory. like dont get me wrong I 100% believe that it all happened #but also I doubt she was as pitiful and that the Very Quick Summary was all there is to it #I should probably specify that if youre down to believing absolutely everything when there isnt any other sources thats fine #esp if you want to believe it for the reasons of Oh This Is Cool #like people absolutely eating up the angsty backstory for the outsider (me included cause yes. angst.)#have fun with all that #this is mostly about all the people throwing a temper tantrum online about disliking something about canon #'why do the musicians know the backstory why cant they leave anything vague anymore:/' theyre artists melinda its their job ur doing the sam #unless this was confirmed by the outsider in the books idk I cant find those damn things #if something is Stated by a Character or Written in a Novel that is in the world theres always some doubt #like I genuinely doubt that the events of Young Prince of Tyvia happened the way they do in the books #so like yknow. if you hate stuff so much just. ignore the canon established by literal in-game fiction

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crowrelli · 4 months

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#vent tw #death mention tw #okay I need to post this bc I’m. going to explode into a million shattered parts if I don’t #my grandmother on my moms side who lived with us my whole teen years. who I helped care for. passed last night before I could go visit her #and instead of IDK FUCKING CALLING ME TO TELL ME my estranged idiot sister just texts me basically ‘Oop she died 🤪’#what the actual fuck #I deserve to hear from our mom? I deserve to hear like the rest of the fucking family?#my cousin did it right and said ‘call your mom’ but you just fucking take it on yourself?? how inconsiderate and conceited to take that away #how little do you see of me to not show basic fucking compassion??#I will never not hold this with me every time I think of my grandmothers passing #I’m a fucking adult. I’ve lived on my own for 3 god damn years. and yet you can’t extend me the BASIC FUCKING RESPECT of letting me find out #the RIGHT WAY #I broke my no contact out of respect for my grandma. I promised to walk into a house I was fucking prisoner in half my life.#I looked past my pain and my trauma out of basic fucking human decency and she couldn’t wait a few hours to let the news reach me properly #and before I can even say my goodbyes she’s gone and this is how you tell me??#she KNEW I was in contact with our mom again #she KNEW #I lived with grandma I HELPED TAKE CARE OF HER #I picked her off the floor when she fell I made her food when she was hungry I READ HER BOOKS WHEN HER HANDS SHOOKTOO BAD #I knew they were monsters but are you fucking kidding me?? this is so so low I’m in fucking shock #I thank my partner and their family every fucking day for teaching me what real love is #because after you live your whole life trying to love people who are only playing roles for the sake of appearance you can never go back to #the cold lifeless greyscale power plays they call unconditional love #god I just #I’m just so fucking tired

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opens-up-4-nobody · 6 months

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#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol #this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable #im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work #property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me #like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well #and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for #Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too #like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and #down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy #last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just #feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b #put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back #down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then #that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her #i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better #on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out #dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really?#ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious.#i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles #but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol #unrelated

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camptw1nk · 3 months

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#not 2 be like. negative but i just kinda got hit hard by the way my relationship w my best friend has changed #dont get me wrong i understand that her girlfriend will be super important to her esp bc she lives across the world and is only physically #here for another 2 or so weeks #but my best friend just got back from a trip to another city to see an artist she loves and as she came in i got up to go see her and ask hl #how it was but she was in her room w her gf before i could and thats fine i get it and like she hasnt done anything wrong i can not #emphasize that enough like i hold no bitter feelings to her she is excited to talk to her gf understandably #it just hit me that like. oh yeah. i have no one else that i go to about literally anything but she does #and its less ab her so much as its. its just hitting me that i dont really have? friends?#i have one or two people but like. i only have One Person thats my go to fave person always tell them everything #and i just. I've realized that its not reciprocated the way it used to be #and that i think is just like a part of growing up #i dont have a partner i dont have someone my life is intrinsically linked to #like a best friend is great but its not. relationships are placed to a higher level you know like its jusy more important #and i just. ive nevr Had a partner really. unless u count a like 2 month thing when i was 12 which i dont count #not to be depresso but i am just not the kind of person that people want or desire #and thats been the case long before i came out as trans but its extra complicated now since i dont. Fully pass #idk not 2 sound sad i just wanna be loved #and i think theres only so many times i can hear the most important person in my life come home and talk excitedly ab things thru the walls #and then never actually get told anything myself. not just ab things shes excited for but just in general #we were meant to go to a house viewing together a few days ago and it was only half an hour before it was happening when no one else was #home that i messaged them to check in and they were like oh yeah we're not going we have this and this going on #which like. fine whatever but i dont drive and getting anywhere fast is hard so it just. was stressful #but it just seems like i am constantly out of the loop. everyone i live with is in a relationship w each other and i am just here #in every aspect of my life i am Just There and im tired of it #not to sound desperate or needy but i just would like to. be noticed? or feel prioritized? or even wanted #idk this is. i just needed to rant i think im emotional bc my hormones r a bit wack #im due for my testosterone shot in a few days but i dont have the money or time to go to the doctors lately so its being pushed back #a few weeks and its just. i think its messing w me a bit #i mean i feel this way literally all the time but just the like. the being upset and emotional and posting ab it i think is bc of that #idk i needed to get it out idk it this will stay up or not

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sparklesmaug · 4 months

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Thinking about non-verbal expressions of love and getting emotional

#i was occasionally my grandmas caretaker during her at home hospice and she no longer had the ability to say more than a few words #the last time i saw her i had gotten her ready for the day and had to leave for work and let her know my grandpa would be back #to take care of her soon and i gave her a hug as i was getting ready to go and she just grabbed my hand and squeezed it really tightly #and looked into my eyes as she did it and i could feel how much she loved me even though she could no longer say it #and then she waited for my grandpa to get home and passed peacefully once she got to see him #i just get emotional about it idk #when she had lost some of her speech but not all of it she kept telling me over the phone how much she loved me like just repeating it #and i didnt know i would never hear her say those words again as she lost more speech with every stroke she had #but that moment of holding my hand made me feel her love more intensely than words ever could

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weenhands · 5 months

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#vent #i havent really been able to sob in awhile and i think tonight was just another breaking point #im so emotionally numb and devoid of emotions so i end up really sobbing every few weeks #when normally i would be crying almost everyday if i could properly respond to the hell i feel like im experiencing all the time #idk. i sort of spiralled and i ended up thinking about what it would be like to just cry in my moms embrace #and maybe not even actually say word for word how i feel #im trying to just cry quietly so my parents dont hear but in my head my mom knows why and she understands and shes holding me and telling me #its going to be okay.....i dont trust her with anything but i just wish i had her reassurance specifically.#ive been off these past few years to them because of how bad my anxiety and depression have been #and i think i find comfort in giving my parents that closure of whats really going on....while also having them hold and protect me #like they used too #i switch my stuffed animals to hold depending on my current situation and mom gave me this stuffed animal to hold when i just Want her #she gave it to me randomly and i havent felt so bad where i had to reach for him in probably years #so im just holding him now. i dont wanna put my other one that i was holding before in the box of my other stuffies #cause im not used to seeing him there yet idk hes used to the bed #im probably gonna delete this soon cause just writing all of this down sorta calmed me down #im just really sick of my head and i feel like im thinking really bad thoughts again

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lockawayknight · 1 year

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#been burdening my friends and partner too much with bitching about life but talking abt it makes me feel better so. i’m here.#new job is awful. but in a weird way.#i’m learning things and love my coworkers and the location and clients and work itself #but my boss is. my god.#it’s a little local place owned by one woman operated from inside her extra home on her property #she runs everything #and she is nice but she is??? loud ig. abusively loud #she screams and cusses and berates and belittles everyone and like #they all think it’s silly. it’s just her personality. they laugh or shrug it off. it’s just how she is. but i can’t do it #every day i tear up or cry on the way home cus she raises her voice at me or i hear her cussing and screaming in the back about like #me fucking up. over silly things. like i took a message for her but didnt say it was urgent.#then i hear her in the back HOW COULD SHE FUCK UP LIKE THIS SHE SHOULD KNOW THIS SHIT THIS IS SUCH SIMPLE SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH HER #and i just cant handle it man!!!#and she is so nice and supportive and texts me almost every night to ask how i am and if i’m okay #and like fuck dude i guess?????? but im also!!!!! not!!!!!!!!#my partner and mom both said i should quit and i think im. gonna.#the other place that wanted me is still hiring. i’m gonna talk to them monday and see if i can take that job still #but fuck dude. i dont wanna tell my boss im leaving. i dont think she’ll blow up but if she does?????#idk #i just hate that things aren’t getting better. i dunno. i just wanna cry and sleep all day #hopefully i get the other job and my boss understands. we’ll see.#thanks for reading

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snaileo · 7 months

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i know it may sound silly but one thing that comforts me is reading stories where people recount dreams in which they talk to deceased loved ones - whether they truly believe them to be visitations or just simply dreams - or about other strange occurrences regarding dreams idk

(personal tags comin up bc idk i had a lot to say)

#its been very difficult esp with my dreams #bc in my dreams since she passed she hasnt shown up . i dont see her hear her #yet i feel her presence. i know shes there . i cant talk to her but i know shes there no matter the dreams #but i recently had a dream where she finally showed up i could hear her voice #and she was talking to me however there was something else in the dream telling me not to look at her #dont look at her and i had to oblige the unseen voice #i wish i could remember what my mom was saying but i could feel her presence close to me #but just hearing her voice again in my dreams was - idk how to describe - i woke up from that dream in a daze #knowing she was gone but feeling like she was Right there #and it was most likely coincidental but my cat was acting really weird next to me when i woke up #i wouldnt be surprised if i was sleep talking or smth

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