#and especially as someone whos skill wasnt taken seriously until i started making money from it........ fuck that so fucking much

[spearxwind]

Oof I'm kinda scared to ask... Why do you not want to be an artist professionally?

Its just like, incredibly miserable in my experience.

Everyone wants their dream job of being paid to draw whatever the hell they want but 99% of the time you are hired and tasked to draw things that you don't have a lot of interest in, professionally speaking, and constantly getting your artistic efforts undermined by the rest of the team (this is esp. true in the videogame industry) artists always try to push for better designs and get their takes watered down for the sake of general public pleasing. Also you don't have a security blanket unless you're under long term contract. Most freelancers live gig to gig with the fear of not being able to support themselves if they don't take a job to take a break. Videogame and movie jobs arent stable because companies never keep the art teams, they are laid off and rehired whenever there is a new project

During my major, I drew nonstop for 4 years for class. Not always things I enjoyed, but also not always things I didnt like. In fact I enjoyed my major immensely! It was so fun. But the burnout is very, very real, and the workload was similar (even inferior to) regular art jobs. What happens if you like to draw in your off time? You spend your days making and pumping out art nonstop for hours, and then on your free time breaks you draw some more? I personally couldn't do it. I just wanted to do other things

And like.... I spent the first three years being told by teachers (people with stable, contract based jobs) how cool of a job it is to do art, and then the last year getting grilled on how insanely hard it is to make it out there. If you don't have connections, money, an audience, a studio, it's actually impossible. You need to be your own lawyer, abide by the very strict self employment rules that take a severe chunk out of your earnings. Do all of your finance/schedule/marketing etc while on top of that constantly producing work (I know there's people who can do it but, personally, I cannot) I really admire the people who were able to build themselves up as artists from the ground like this (because its definitely possible, just insanely hard)

Also, making something you love into your job ends up being miserable too. I experienced this with patreon, which I posted to as like a chill thing and it just got increasingly hard to make content for it or just post in general, even drawing my own ocs and sharing stuff about them started to feel like a chore.

Maybe it's just me though, this has just been my personal experience but yeah in general I realized I am immensely happier just keeping art as a hobby or its gonna suck my soul out (Since I already experienced it)

I don't mean to discourage anyone, I think the world in general needs more artists. But for that we would need to actually be taken seriously and valued, which sadly we are not, at all. And if there's anyone reading that is considering art as a job: it is absolutely grueling. It's not an easy job. Even if you desperately love art it can suck the life out of you and the joy for what you do

(As an extra sidenote. Artists are usually exploited using this mentality as well. That they are supposed to love their job. So they expect you to work your wrists off "For the passion". Dont fall victim to it)

#ask #anon #genuinely i just wanna share my stories and content. see others stories in turn and make friends about it #the desperate need to monetize everything that makes you happy is such an insidious mentality. #people need to learn that you can have hobbies without needing to monetize them. your joy has inherent value and you dont need to sell it #like... i need people to stop being like 'oh you are so good at art/crochet/writing you should sell things : )' it fucking sucks #there is a lot of nuance to the topic of course but im talking like. in general #doing art out of ones heart is always good but having to pump out content under the crushing wheel of capitalism and need to survive is not #this is about my experience with drawn art but this goes for any other artistic discipline #music... writing... etc. we are all in the same boat #sorry for the long winded answer and tags i am just so passionate about this #and especially as someone whos skill wasnt taken seriously until i started making money from it........ fuck that so fucking much #you are allowed to create. in fact you should create. without feeling the need to put a price on it #not everything needs a price tag to be valuable. #especially not your joy.

[eichscrocs]

Hey now, You’re an All-Star

January 11, 2019

@ edmontonoilers: YESSSS! ⭐️ #LetsGoOilers

@ edmontonoilers: Leon with some love for the fans after today's #NHLAllStar news! #LetsGoOilers

When Connor heard the news he was beyond thrilled, his 'liney' Leon was going to All Star too.

@ mcdavid97: All-Star bound with 29! 👊

Surely Connor had gone years previous, but none of them had included another one of his teammates, let alone the one he was dating. Connor liked to keep his life private for the most part, which included Leon too. Media was beginning to become suspicious, but in all honesty neither boy seemed to really care that much anymore. It was going to be a first time for the both of them; Leons first all star, and Connors first all star with his boyfriend. Surely a big reason Leon got voted in was Connors endless support, and maybe for the fact Connor had his whole family (distant relatives included) voting multiple times daily for him, but Leon didn't need to know that.

The beginning of the 2019 season did start out a little rough, so the break would be good for the both of them (besides the fact Connor managed to get Chia fired, but that's besides the point). The Oilers organization had known about the two boys relationship, and everyone was so supportive, especially Nuge who had been the reason they got together in the first place. In the locker room it was even the on going joke, and Ryan was often referred to as 'Ryan Love Whisperer Hopkins'. Connor and Leon enjoyed any privacy they got so the organization was surprised when the two had told them that they wanted to let everyone know they were together, but a little more subtle since both boys were quite reserved.

January 24, 2019

@ edmontonoilers: The dynamic duo had officially arrived in San Jose! #NHLAllStar #LetsGoOilers

If Connor and Leon could agree on one thing it'd be the all star jerseys, they color black was extremely flattering, but they wouldn't be wearing those jerseys until tomorrow. After all today was the skills competition, they'd be sporting the classic orange Oilers jersey. Connor was the first of them to compete, to no one's surprise it was his third year in a row competing for the fastest skater title. Why? Because other than Dylan Larkin (who wasn't voted in) he truly was a speedster. Leon sat on the bench chilling and taking in his new surroundings. HI heart was so full and slightly filled with nerves of watching his boy get ready to skate. From how the event was beginning to unfold his only threat to steal the title from him was Jack Eichel. Seeing Connor on the ice made his little heart flutter.

Connor had taken off just like that and Leon instantly zone in to watching him skate his lap. His skate was over just as fast as it had started, and sure enough Connor took the three-peat. Leon stayed sat on the bench smiling even wider than before. Media ended up in his face and questioned him about Connors pace. Leon would be lying if he said he didn’t wish they were going to ask about their relationship. So he figured clue number two, drop a hint. So Leon turned to face the camera for all to view on instagram, his english flowing perfectly. “I had and idea that he’s pretty fast so, uhm ya know obviously last year I think he won it, so it was uh ya know I had my money on him.” Leon finished off saying while a slight smile arose on his face.

After Connors event both boys were able to relax for a little, as puck control was the next event. Connor shoved his way in the box to sit with the rest of the Pacific division boys, but more importantly next to Leon. “You did so well out there.” Leon said then bumped shoulders with him. Connor schooched closer to Leon (if that was even possible) and his body was pressed right against Leon from shoulders to skates. He rested his one hand on his knee while Leon decided to put his hand directly half on Connors and half on his own retrospective kneecap. Leon looked over at him again and smiled, then turned back to watch the event infront of him. Nobody seemed to ask about it; whether they didn’t care, couldn’t see it, or already knew (Leon doubted the third one though).

As it got closer to Leons turn for premier passing he got more anxious. He didn’t want to dissapoint himself, the fans that voted him in, and most importantly Connor. Leon had to leave his warm encounter with his boy to get ready to go. Connor stayed on the bench watching in awe at his boyfriend, the way Leon made the pucks into the minature nets with such little effort was really no surprise. Since Leon joined the Oilers organiztion he had been giving those types of passes to Connor. Even before McDrai happened they had sucah a remarkable chemistry. (Why was Connor now suddenly realizing that Ryan is super good at reading into love?). When Leons last puck went into the net, the time stopped and Leon looked over and started skating back towards the bench where Connor was. Leon didn’t look at what his time was, but he knew it had to be good when he saw Connor smiling and clapping his mitts together for him. Finally Leon’s competition had ended too, and he managed to stay on top, claiming the win. The closer he got to Connor the happier he was. Connor was sitting looking sky chewing his gum, not to forget the fact he was checking Leon out from head to toe. That all star champ was his. For the remainder of the competition boys the boys were just fooling around with each other. Both had adrenaline running high from their wins. The start of this weekend was a good one, and eventually they hit the locker room to suit back up for media.

Connor had anticipated questions about the Oilers and his captaincy, but his personal favorite was when someone had asked about Leons performance. “That was awesome! That was an event that was tough. Really really tough and Leon I know was a little bit nervous.” Connor began to answer. Since he had heard from Leon still nobody had realized they were an item, he knew he’d have a little fun hyping Leon up. “I ket saying you’re one of the best passers in the game you could easily do it. And he proved that tonight.” Connor said lovingly about his teammate and boyfriend (which the media still couldn’t seem to pick up, which was surprising).

Finally day one was in the books and both began to head to the hotel to rest for the night. Although they’d be staying in the same room together, a king size bed all theirs. After all they were both hockey boys who needed enough space for cuddles. Connor’s room was rendered useless, they’d be using Leon’s room instead. Not that it mattered too much anyways, Connor had the salary to make useless purchases like his hotel room that would remain empty all three days in San Jose. Both boys began to take off their suits and put them on hangers. Even with salaries like they have, both Leon and Connor hated spending so much time finding a suit they liked, only for it to cost more than they ever would have typically spent (it was a suit, why must they cost so much?). No way were they going to ruin them only to go through suit hell once again. Leon was the first to get changed out of his suit, and he head to the luggage to find some clothes for bed. Leon put on some plaid pj pants with pockets, along with an old oilers shirt (which wasn’t his). He had taken a seat while Connor was still getting ready for bed. Connor put on Oilers pj pants that Leon orginally got for him as a gag gift, but no surprise Connor loved them so much. Paired with his Oilers pants was one of Leon’s shirts. Leon looked up from his phone and saw Connor looking adoarble, his hair still looking freshly cut.

In fact Leon was the actual reason his hiar was cut in the first place, and it wasn’t because Leon liked it short, hed just told Connor it’d be funny to see media have a hay day. And anyways Connor loves seeing Leon laugh, so his answer was obvious, he had to do it. He took a seat right on top of Leon crushing him, and laughing as Leon went wide eyed and stuttered out “Oh well hello to you too” while lightly laughing. “What are you looking at?” Connor asked as Leon was looking down on his phone. “Figuring out which picture of us to put on insta.” he replied while turning his phone to Connor to look at the pictures. Leon continued to swipe through the photos until Connor pointed out a good one. “Post that one” Connor suggested. Despite Connor hardly posting on his accounts he knew when a picture was good, and that was definitely it. Leo opened Instagram and selected the picture Connor suggested. “Should I add a filter?” Leon asked seriously. Connor thought the photo was fine as it was, but the temptation was way too high. Leon had seen a yellow tinted filter, “Con! This filter would look sick!” Leon said while showing Connor the result. To Leon’s dismay he was given the ‘are you actually joking me right now?’ look. “I think it looks good, especially you so I’m posting it.” Leon told Connor. Connor put his hands up as to say ‘I’m not stopping you’. “Oh I have the perfect caption too!” He said excitedly as he began to type it out. It was the best usage of 27 letters in his life, all for one small post.

@ drat_29: Great day at the skills comp with @ mcdavid97

“Alright it’s posted” he said to Connor as he locked his phone and placed it on the nightstand. Both boys then opened the bed to go to sleep for the next days fun games. Of course they couldn’t go to bed without Connor claiming his little spoon position. “Ich liebe dich.” Leon mumbled to Connor as he drifted to sleep holding the one he loved the most in his arms.

#edmonton oilers #connor mcdavid #leon draisaitl #all star weekend #the formating is weird?? #mcdrai #oilers #mine #also this is posted for a specific follower???

[swampgallows]

i just woke up, it’s close to noon here, five hours is good enough i guess. i keep thinking about college and how fucking suicidally depressed i was then and how ive spent half of this year being unemployed and generally just struggling to take care of myself in the most banal and basic ways possible, and how depression really does just delete years from your life. you live through them in a daze,  you’re already a ghost, you’re already dead. questing in wrath of the lich king is honestly some of the last shit i remember concretely before going into a two year gray area of passing my classes and nothing else. i remember breaking up with my boyfriend because he chose raiding over me. i dont want to talk about it again. the memory is still painful. still, even still, ten years later. and in late 2008 i was attacked in my dorm room and i was screaming and my roommates thought i was being a big ol slut. they thought any guy that came over was someone i was fucking. when i went to blizzcon in 2008 and my brother stayed in my dorm they thought i was fucking him too until i told them he was my little brother. they tried so fucking hard to suppress my interests and make me “like them”. “there’s more to life than world of warcraft and pokemon” they said as if going to college basketball games and rewatching disney movies has any more enrichment or depth beyond what i was fucking doing. my life is so full of hatred, from myself, from other people, just being fostered in me in general, and it’s only within the last few years that i’ve gotten to heal from it at all, all the time being hurt more and more

i was talking to a friend yesterday who is just 19 and thinking about where i was when i was 19, which of course puts me in 2009 again, the year i dropped out of existence, and i was telling them about how i was essentially raised by the ilk of 4chan and the piece of shit community on wow that, like, since i’m around ~liberal genderqueer~ tumblr-type spaces all the time, genuinely shocks me to remember still exists, of those fucking hypermasculine overcompensating military dudes. and we were talking about how like, nerds in general tend to have shit social skills or anxiety or are Othered in ways that have them reinforce this piece of shit pecking order where the loudest and meanest proclaim themselves the Leader and everyone just follows them because theyre too meek to challenge them or they mistake arrogance for confidence and assume any asshole crowing that loud about how Right they are all the time Must Be Right. 

and i thought of my own life, my ex QP, my old friend groups, my abusive ex boyfriend, how i mistook so long their malice as strength, how i was duped by their self-aggrandizement. they had no skills, no talents, no girlfriend (except when i dated them), no women in their lives in general, no real friends they could count on (except, for my abuser, an older man with 3 children and a brand new divorce whose house he muscled and manipulated himself into—”i cant even bear to be in the old master bedroom anymore”—and my abuser promptly MOVED HIMSELF INTO IT) no hobbies, and the one or two hobbies that they had—fishing, video games—they were fucking less-than-passable at. my ex-qp wasn’t good at video games. he would use cheat codes or just play the strongest character and rely on everyone else to pick up his slack. warrior, carry, tank, what have you; all of us his underlings to support him to victory—”I’m doing all of the damage and getting none of the kills”—he would whine, oblivious to the concept of teamwork and seeking credit within the only realm he had a semblance of succeeding in. 

anyway so when i first joined tumblr i swung the pendulum in the other direction because i absolutely had to, it was for my survival to become a virulent feminazi as they put it, and i was obnoxious about it, and i reposted rape statistics all the time and challenged people all the time because i had to. i had to let it overtake me in order to purge all of the 10+ years of toxic social conditioning that places like 4chan and their little infestations in WoW and all of my abusive partners instilled in me. i had to be vocal about rape this and sexual assault that because i spent the better part of my adolescence trying to laugh away the fact that i was raped as a child, trying to make jokes about my “delicious flat chest” and pedobear and “surprise buttsecks/it’s not rape if you yell surprise” and “delicious loli”; some of the images i had willingly saved on my ancient hard drive are absolutely harrowing to go through now as an adult knowing my mushy impressionable 14 year old traumatized mind was trying to cope with and gloss over what had happened to me and with the future i was facing as a budding adolescent in this kind of environment. men didnt want to be responsible for what happened to me or with what would happen to me, it made them uncomfortable for me to talk about it, so i was told to laugh it away, that nobody cares that i was raped, that i was stronger if i could just laugh about it, that no topics were beyond reproach or off limits, and that if i wasnt desensitized to my own suffering then i was weak, i was a sheep, i was a burden, i was letting my emotions get the better of me.

obviously, tumblr as a whole DIRECTLY acts in opposition of this: everything is rooted in our traumas, which we are expected to lay bare for all to be taken seriously: 4chan demanded that we invalidate the trauma by making a joke of it and allowing the masses to pick it apart for their own entertainment, to become part of the anonymous “legion” by offering up our individuality to be consumed by the group (as a currency of “lulz”, basically); tumblr, reflexively, demands we validate the trauma by making it an open and public integral asset to our identity, to have easily digestible and categorized characteristics so as to fit into the tumblr hierarchy of needs, their own misinterpreted facsimile and microcosm of existing systematic oppression, and obtain a sort of fixed currency of privilege or “woke points” dependent on identity politics. so i definitely needed to purge my previous conditioning with this reclamation of my identity as a survivor, etc, and had about 7 years of misplaced anger and fury condensed into a good two or so years instead, and even now im still parsing details. 

it wasnt until i was 22 that i had even heard the term asexuality and it wasnt until i was 25 that i realized i was bi (or “could be” bi), even though i had already been in love with and sexually active with women years prior lmao. i had been told by every possible source that having a dick inside me would change my life and change my outlook and change me into a better person or whatever the fuck, that i would “understand” and “grow up” and “become a woman” or whatever and guess what it did fucking NOTHING, just like every teen drama romance or whatever tries to stress over and over, sex is not a magical lifechanging event that hands you a million dollars and a healthy brain. it changes your life in some ways and it’s definitely not something to be taken lightly but in no way is it a cure for anything.

i dont know where i’m going with this, im just fucking pissed off about my life, im pissed off that healing takes so long and that i had to do any of it in the first place. im so pissed about all of my time wasted with this fucking piece of shit body and fucking piece of shit brain and i wish i could just go back to work and be a functional human being but im like just a short leap away from doing any of that. i have to get in touch w my previous HMO once the new year starts now that im confirmed for medi-cal, and i should have done it months ago, but i have to just accept that this whole time ive been not USELESS but just utterly CONSUMED by self-preservation, that it is taking most of my effort to want to be alive and stay on this planet any longer. especially now with my teeth bugging me so bad because i cant fucking take care of myself so im grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw and i guess eating improperly or what have you idont fucking know. im going to buy a waterpik even though it’s fifty dollars and i have not made ANY MONEY in the last 6 months or done ANY of what i wanted to do and i still have a number of commissions needling at me that i genuinely like cant fucking even look at withotu fucking hitting myself and crying, and im seriously not trying to make fucking excuses, i am so fucking ashamed and consumed by self-hatred about this, this has been a problem for me SINCE COLLEGE where i was an ART MAJOR that i had to fucking beat the shit out of myself to try to draw anything “seriously”, and i do mean literally beating myself, bludgeoning myself with my morris sticks and smacking myself in the face/head and clawing at my skin, and i fucking hate it

i just know i need like SO MUCH recovery or healing or whatever the fuck, i feel so long overdue for very basic shit, and part of me feels like a withering plant, like pouring water over dry leaves thinking it’s just going to saturate itself and be instantly rejuvenated. im losing leaves in the process, as it were, and getting no “water” all this time. i feel like i’m in drought mode. these last six months are me basically conserving all i have, toeing away from the edge of the cliff because iw as so ready yall i was so fucking ready, i was ready to jump off, i spent whole lunch hours just ready to fucking leap, staring down the void, staring at the winding road that went up the mountain, staring at the deer who stared back at me, hiding my face from Adults who treated me like a wind-up doll, i just couldnt take it, ic ouldnt be somewhere that sterile, i couldnt be spending so much of my life getting so little back, i coudlnt see my friends ever, i couldnt breathe, but in general my brain is sick and i need to heal from all of these things, i need to figure out how i can cope with being alive because i am going to be alive at least a little longer and i need to not fear and crave death simultaneously. i do not want to die, I DO NOT want to die, but i cannot live in a constant state of recuperating. my life has just felt like the Shutting Down... screen for the last 2 years. 

NEED a new dentist NEED my teeth fixed PLEASE GOD open the stem cell dentin treatment to clinics worldwide GOD fix my TEETH PLEASE let me REGROW my TEETH NEED therapy NEED to fix my brain NEED to figure out how i can cope with being unable to support myself in this shit fucking economy NEED TO RECOVER NEED TO GET BETTER PLEASE IM FUCKING SUFFERING 

#blathering