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primatechnosynthpop · 8 months

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If You Push Them Too Hard, They're Going To Break

Part 3

[Part 1] [Part 2]

After their encounter with Dave, Jemaine kind of thought (hoped, at least) that would be the end of it. Dave was the smartest guy they knew, and he told them pretty clearly that being a magical girl was dangerous, so...

But in less than a week Bret went out on another witch hunt. And that quicky became part of his regular routine from there. Jemaine made his disapproval clear, giving him the cold shoulder whenever he came back from a witch hunt, but there really wasn't much he could do. His idea of kicking Bret out of the band soured when he remembered he didn't have his bandmate's voice on tape anymore, and he wasn't in the mood to go through the hassle of auditioning new members. As for the plan to steal Bret's soul gem and smash it, well... after seeing what happened with the lighter, anything that involved damaging the gem didn't seem like such a bright idea anymore.

And with Bret running around in a poofy dress playing hero, who did that leave to take care of chores? Jemaine grumbled to himself as he bent over the produce display, searching for deals he could afford. He didn't mind grocery shopping with someone else tagging along to banter with, but doing it alone was a sisyphean task. He'd just settled on some half-price apples when he glanced up to see a familiar face standing beside him.

"Oh! Jemaine. It's... funny seeing you here."

"Hi, Doug," Jemaine returned the greeting cautiously, already looking past him to scan the aisles for Mel. When he didn't see her anywhere he wondered if she was creeping up behind him, but a glance over his shoulder revealed no sign of her. His tightened muscles relaxed, but a deeper sense of unease set in. "Is Mel not with you?"

To his surprise, Doug's face crumpled into something genuinely miserable. "Oh... I guess you didn't know, huh?" he murmured. "Mel, uh, went missing a while ago."

Jemaine blinked. His brain froze up upon hearing that. It just didn't compute. Except it made sense, didn't it, when he thought about it-- how long had it been since he and Bret had seen her? At least this explained why she wasn't at their last couple gigs.

"I've been asking around, putting up posters," Doug went on. "But to be honest, it's a little hard to stay optimistic. I have an idea of what might have happened to her, and... well, it's not something I can really tell anyone without sounding totally crazy." He stared down at his shoes, hands twisting together at the waist, and let out a sad little huff of laughter. "I always figured I'd lose her eventually, but not like this."

Jemaine wasn't sure how to respond to that. He settled on raising his eyebrows, mouth pinching into sort of a grimace, and making an "mm?" sound that he hoped came off as sympathetic. He did feel bad for Doug, genuinely. And he felt bad for himself (and Bret, but he was angry with Bret right now, so mostly himself) for not having a single fan anymore. He couldn't say he'd miss having Mel stalk them and make inappropriate comments, but the prospect of never seeing her alive again was daunting, almost sickening to wrap his head around. It didn't feel right.

His eyes strayed down to Doug's hands, and the wedding band he was twisting forlornly around on his finger. It reminded him of Bret fidgeting with his soul gem ring. Then, not in a sudden flash of light so much as a gradual sunrise, he thought back to the last time he saw Mel and that ridiculous outfit she was wearing. An outfit with a gem on it... and that hammer, a weapon not unlike Bret's bow and Murray's pirate sword.

"Was Mel a magical girl?"

Doug's head snapped back up, eyebrows raised. "Yes, she was! How did you know?"

"Well, ah... Bret's become one," Jemaine explained somewhat stiltedly. He felt ridiculous having to say it out loud. "Calls himself a magical man, but it's the same thing."

Doug gave him a look like Jemaine had just said that Bret had a terminal illness. "...I see."

"You think a witch got Mel?"

"Something like that. Or something even worse."

"Right, well..."

Jemaine shifted, uncomfortable. He stuck his hands in his pockets and glanced over his shoulder, searching for a way out of this social interaction. Luckily, it seemed that Doug was willing to let him go a lot quicker than his wife would have been.

"Well, I guess I'd better get to the checkout before the line gets any longer. Nice seeing you, Jemaine, and, uh, tell Bret good luck with his magical girl duties."

"I talked to Doug today," Jemaine said a few hours later while they sat around the kitchen table after dinner. Bret was busy tearing yellow sticky notes off a pad, crumpling them up, and throwing them to Kyubey. Kyubey wasn't really a cat, so it didn't seem interested in the crumpled paper, but Bret kept throwing it anyway. "Apparently Mel was a magical girl and now she's gone missing."

"Aw, what?" Bret asked, looking up from the sticky note pad with a frown. "Really?"

"That's interesting, isn't it? That she became a magical girl and then died?"

"What, she died too?"

"Probably. She's definitely missing. Sort of like what Dave said about that girl..."

Bret saw where Jemaine was going with this, mainly because it was the same place all their conversations had gone for the past two weeks. He shook his head. "I can't stop, Jemaine. Being a magical man is what I am now."

"It doesn't have to be."

"Actually, it does." Bret pointed at Kyubey, who gazed innocently back with a slight tilt of its head. "I asked Kyubey about it and he said you can't go back on a contract. Isn't that right, Kyubey?"

<That's correct,> the alien confirmed. <The only way to reverse the process of becoming a magical girl would be for someone else to make a contract and wish for it to be so.>

"What, so for Bret to stop being a magical girl I'd have to become one? I'm not doing that," Jemaine said. "It would be completely redundant."

"That's a shame about Mel, though, if it's true," Bret remarked. He tore another sheet of paper off the pad but forgot to crumple it up, so it just fluttered back down onto the table when he threw it.

Jemaine mumbled his agreement. He grabbed what was left of the sticky note pad and chucked it at Kyubey, who deftly hopped out of the way.

"Alright, magical girl meeting! Bret?"

"Present."

Murray nodded and marked that down on his attendance sheet. He didn't think it was good conduct to have their magical girl meetings in the same office as their band meetings, so they were gathered outside on the front steps of the office building. "And Murray, present... and honorary member Jemaine?"

"Why am I an honorary member?" Jemaine griped, and then added, "Present."

"I think it's because you're not a magical person," Bret told him.

"That's exactly right, Bret. Jemaine, you're lucky I let you attend these meetings at all! We could be discussing top-secret magical girl information here-- things an ordinary human couldn't even comprehend."

Jemaine crossed his arms with a wounded pout. "I can comprehend just fine."

Ignoring him, Murray carried on to item one: grief seeds. "How many grief seeds has everyone got on them?"

"I've got two," Bret said. "They're not on me now, though. I left them at home."

"Well, it's good that you have some, but they won't do you any good sitting around at home," Murray chided him. "Suppose a witch attacks you when you're out and about and you use up all your magic trying to fight it. You'd want a grief seed then, wouldn't you?"

"How many grief seeds have you got, Murray?" Jemaine asked in a tone that suggested he suspected the answer was zero.

"Well, none at the moment," Murray admitted-- a bit of an understatement. His soul gem had been getting progressively darker for days now. That brought him to item two. "Item two: use of Bret's grief seeds. Now, my soul gem has some big black spots on it that could use a good purification--"

"Sorry, man, you can't use my grief seeds," Bret cut him off. "I'd like to keep them for myself."

"Aw, but-- what if I paid you guys for it, eh?" he offered, flashing a grin at Bret and then Jemaine for good measure. Neither looked convinced, and the building twinge of anxiety in his chest tightened. "Please let me use your grief seed," he tried again. "Please? Please let me use it. Pleeease."

Bret's conviction wavered slightly in the face of his manager's clear desperation. He still wasn't willing to give up one of his hard-earned prizes, but... "How about we go on a witch hunt together, and I'll let you keep the one we get from that?"

Murray practically caved with relief. "Yes, that will do," he said, wiping at his eyes with the back of his sleeve. Was he really crying over this? Yes, call him soft, but he was. It just felt nice to know that his boys were looking out for him the way he always tried to look after them. It made him feel like there was nothing to be afraid of anymore.

While Jemaine was moping about at home and saddled with chores, Bret had fought a lot of pretty freaky witches. His enhanced agility came in handy for dodging flying fruit and whirling blades in a labyrinth that started off looking like a bank but segwayed into a giant blender when he took a wrong turn. His infinite arrows made quick work of a crown-wearing witch and its exotic bird and monkey familiars in a psychedelic party labyrinth. While fighting a witch made of nothing but a bunch of spindly legs and hair that tried to grab him like tentacles in an office-themed labyrinth, he discovered that he had the power to levitate things, himself included, if he concentrated. When he asked Kyubey why he'd gotten that power, it explained:

"Aw, that's awesome, man," Bret had replied, grinning, with an incredulous shake of his head. "I've gotta show Jemaine, he's gonna love this."

Jemaine had in fact not loved it, and had yelled at Bret to stop making the fridge float. But still, it was pretty cool.

Throughout it all, there was this one witch Bret kept sensing but never fought. Something about its energy just gave him the creeps. He'd asked Kyubey about it, but his little alien buddy could be annoyingly evasive sometimes. Plus he got the sense this witch was following him, and that activated his contrarian side: he was supposed to track down witches, not the other way around, so he refused to engage with a witch that tried tracking him instead.

That was until today. Bret glanced reluctantly at his manager as they stood in a labyrinth entryway that looked like the hall of a golden palace with a red carpet rolled out. "Does it have to be this witch, Murray?"

"Well, it's the closest one I sensed, and you remember how urgent this is... so in short, yes, it has to be this one," Murray said in the same tone he used to enforce band management decisions that Bret and Jemaine weren't keen on. "Besides, I've been monitoring a few of the witches in this city, and this one's been causing all sorts of trouble. A body count in double figures already!"

Bret shuddered at that. He was going to ask why Murray hadn't tried fighting it yet if that was the case, but the senior magical girl was already charging on ahead, transformed and with his weapon drawn. Bret followed suit.

The hallway was shorter than it looked, and soon the floor dropped abruptly off as they came to a cavernous stretch of pale pink sky tinged with an iridescent rainbow hue. Wispy clouds hung here and there. If he squinted across the gaping cavern, Bret could make out other platforms that looked like they were made of yarn, clay, paper... basically any art or craft supply, really. When he looked way up he could just make out a distant ceiling. It was curved like that of a cathedral, and painted like one too with an elaborate mural that he couldn't make out the details of. Startlingly familiar music filled the air. Bret could have sworn he heard snatches of his and Jemaine's voices, but distorted like a broken-down tape that had been played too many times. The whole place smelled sweet, like cookies, but too sweet. And Bret had a much stronger sweet tooth than his roommate, so if Jemaine were here the smell would probably make him gag.

"Something weird about this place," Bret mused. "It feels like... I dunno, like meeting back up with a person I haven't seen in a while. And they've changed in all sorts of ways, but deep down they're still the same."

Murray gave him a questioning look, but if he was going to say something, he didn't get the chance before a pair of cookie-shaped familiars came flying at them. That explained the sweet smell. And the music, apparently-- the familiars' mouths, which looked like real human mouths plastered on top of icing, opened and closed in crooning song. Bret picked one out of the sky with his bow while Murray sliced the other in half.

As soon as the first two went down a whole swarm came flying in to take their place. Soon it was an all-out battle. When the familiars got close enough they stopped singing and started trying to bite, which was almost preferable to hearing those uncanny mockeries of his and Jemaine's voices, but not when they successfully managed to bite him. A few times Murray got too caught up in the scuffle and nearly fell off the edge into the chasm, and Bret had to save him with a burst of anti-gravity magic. It seemed for a while like it would be an endless onslaught, but little by little they whittled the sweet-scented army down.

Meanwhile, a block away from the labyrinth entrance, Jemaine paced up and down the sidewalk with his hands in his pockets. The sun was going down and it was chilly out, enough for his breaths to appear as bursts of white in front of him, but he kept his temperature up with his constant restless motion. Kyubey sat a few feet away on top of Murray's parked car, saying nothing but idly watching. Despite not having emotions of its own, it could recognize them in others. It could tell that despite all his bluster, Jemaine's ongoing annoyance with Bret stemmed from a deep attachment to him. Kyubey could work with that.

<Jemaine, do you believe that Bret McClegnie is capable in battle?>

The inquiry gave Jemaine pause, if only because it was so unexpected. He stopped, with his back turned to Kyubey so he wouldn't have to look at its beady red eyes, and gave an apprehensive shake of his head. "Not particularly. I once had to help him get his hand out of a jar."

"Well, he's come home every time, so..."

Jemaine was getting quite unsettled now. He shifted, turning around just slightly so he could stare Kyubey down. He saw what it was getting at, and he didn't like it.

<Of course, Bret is accompanied by Murray Hewitt,> Kyubey went on calmly. <However, you have made your opinion on Murray's capabilities quite clear. In a dangerous situation, do you think Murray would be able to protect Bret from suffering serious harm?>

Jemaine was silent for a moment. He stared down at his shoes. "...Bret'll be fine," he said after a while, not quite sounding like he believed it. "Anyway, you're his friend, aren't you?" There was a note of bitter jealousy to his voice there-- honestly, Kyubey would never understand human emotions. "If he's in trouble, you'll help him."

Kyubey said nothing to that. It was clear that the seed of doubt had been planted. From now on it was a waiting game.

Back inside the labyrinth, Bret lowered his bow and watched as Murray triumphantly skewered the final two familiars on his sword and they crumbled into dust. He'd realized as he fought that the cookie familiars had two designs repeated ad nauseam, and though the icing was drippy and the photorealistic mouths threw him a bit, he was pretty sure they were caricatures of him and Jemaine. No wonder they sang like them too.

That got him thinking, and soon he put it all together. Everything about this place, the theming around him and Jemaine, it was like all the unwanted gifts Mel had presented them with and all the fantasies she'd described about them rolled into one. A queasy feeling settled in Bret's gut. Mel... That's right, Jemaine had told him she'd gone missing. Was this where she'd ended up?

It was then that the witch rose into view. It looked like a woman in an elaborate old-fashioned gown riding a tandem bicycle, pedalling endlessly but not getting anywhere. Instead of a person in the backseat there was a giant metal ball attached to a chain which led to a ring on one of the witch's fingers. The witch's head was made of translucent pink and white clouds dotted with twinkling stars. The biggest and brightest of those stars were around where eyes would go on a face. More clouds trailed off its body in wisps here and there. On its chest was a fleshy heart-- as in, the shape of a cartoon heart, but made of tissue like the real organ. It pulsed rhythmically, occasionally skipping a beat. The witch's garbled voice, though indecipherable as any other's, held a crooning cadence. Like it was singing him a love song.

"...Mel?"

"Mel? What do you mean Mel? Is she here?" Murray turned around, looking back the way they'd come in, and then across the open stretch of iridescent sky with an incredulous squint.

"No, she's... well, maybe she is here." Bret didn't know exactly where he was going until the words began tumbling out of his mouth. "Jemaine said Doug said she was missing. I thought maybe he made it up to scare me--"

"I don't think Doug would lie about his own wife going missing."

"No, I mean Jemaine. But now I think he was telling the truth. I think..." Bret paused, gulping. His heart had sped up without him noticing. The witch was still drawing near, its movements excruciatingly slow and non-aggressive compared to previous witches he'd battled. "I think this is her. I think Mel turned into this witch, and that's why she went missing."

Outside the labyrinth, Jemaine was also thinking about what Doug had told him. He couldn't have imagined the discovery Bret had just come to, but he knew one thing: bad things could happen to magical girls.

He resumed his pacing, more frantic now as darker thoughts swam through his mind. What would he and Bret do if Murray got killed? It could cause a bit of a hassle, for one thing. They'd have to find a new manager. Maybe they could get one who was better at their job. That might not be so bad.

What would he do if Bret...?

A harsh skidding noise sounded from the pavement as he came to an abrult halt and whirled around to face Kyubey. It hadn't moved from the top of Murray's car, no doubt staying nice and toasty while Jemaine shivered. He wanted to shove it under the wheels. Not that that would do much good since the car wasn't on.

"Kyubey," he ground out through his teeth. "I'm going to make a contract with you."

Kyubey immediately perked up, ear tendrils standing at attention. <Are you certain? Once a contract is made, it cannot be undone.>

"Yes, you've told me." And anyway, he knew by now that life tended to go that way. He'd learned as much bartering with Dave, trying to buy back a toothbrush he'd sold him in a fit of desperation only to be told it was now quadruple what he got for it. "But I've decided."

Within the labyrinth, the stars in the witch's cloud-head glowed brighter as it came face-to-face with Bret, who took a few nervous steps back. It extended its free hand toward him with an eager hiss. But the other hand, the one with the ball and chain, held it back. It jerked, lashing against the weight, all the while its legs still pedalled uselessly.

It was a pitiful sight, like seeing a wounded animal. Bret's heart squeezed with more sympathy than he'd ever had for Mel when she was alive. Daunting as it was, he knew he had to take this witch down like any other.

"Honestly, Bret, you're being completely ridiculous," Murray told him. "Kyubey would have told us if witches used to be magical girls. Why would Kyubey, our trusted... mascot, lie to us?"

Bret barely even heard his manager's dismissive words. With shaking hands, he notched an arrow and shot a hole clean through the witch's outstretched hand. It recoiled with an earsplitting shriek. The clouds that made up its head turned red and lit up with a crackle of lightning.

It drew its arm back-- the one attached to the ball and chain-- and swung it at him with a roar. Bret jumped into the air, easily dodging the chain. He didn't see the ball's trajectory.

And obviously neither did Murray. Or if he did, he didn't dodge it in time.

WH-CRACK!

The ball flew off the chain and slammed into Murray's chest. Bret distinctly heard something shatter and he winced. Was that a couple broken ribs, maybe? He didn't stop to check-- couldn't spare more than a fleeting glance over his shoulder at his manager ragdolling to the ground-- because he had a witch to fight. He was sure Murray would be back on his feet and helping him out in a second. Magical girls could take a few hits.

Bret came down on the handlebars of the witch's bicycle, close enough for the lightning to make all his hairs stand on end, and released an arrow into its exposed squishy heart. The ensuing shriek was even more earsplitting-- Bret flinched and clamped his hands over his ears-- and accompanied by lightning bolts shooting off wildly. But the bolts fizzled out harmlessly before they could touch him, and he knew he'd hit the target because a few of the stars speckled throughout the cloudy part of the witch blinked out. If he could land just one or two more shots like that...

Oops, hold that thought. A new metal ball swelled into existence at the base of the dangling chain and the witch whipped it through the air. Bret was forced to abandon his post on the handlebars and fly up above the witch's head. Using so much magic put a dull ache in his core, not unlike the way his arms felt after a long shift of sign holding. It would be harder to line up a clear shot from this angle, too. But at least the witch couldn't get to him.

While he was up there he took the opportunity to look down and see how Murray had recovered. He would've recovered, right? He'd taken at least one worse hit than that before, definitely.

Apparently not. Murray was lying on his back, no longer in his magical girl attire. There were little shards of something scattered around him, glinting a dull orange in the shimmering light. And those weren't the only things surrounding him. The cookie familiars were back and circling Murray like vultures. Bret swallowed hard.

"Murray, you've got to get up," he called. Then, remembering magical girls could use telepathy, he tried again that way. <Come on, get up and get out of the way before those familiars...>

He trailed off as the swarm of cookie familiars descended on Murray. A wave of cold horror washed over him. It was like watching a lion in a nature documentary bringing down an antelope, except that Bret liked lions too so he never knew who to root for, and an antelope wasn't his band manager and just below friend on the relationship graph. Murray didn't move, didn't even cry out, when the familiars opened their photorealistic hungry mouths and... and...

Oh, flip. Oh, fuck! Bret clamped a hand over his mouth, feeling tears well up in his eyes. He tore his gaze away as fast as he could, but it wasn't fast enough, and he could still hear it even from several metres away. Even when he squeezed his eyes shut and clamped his hands over his ears he could hear the sounds of them tearing flesh, crunching bone, slurping up blood and organs.

He was so overwhelmed in that moment that he didn't realize his magic was wavering, that he was sinking lower in the sky, back in range of the witch's attacks. He didn't hear the ball and chain swinging toward him until it was a foot away from his head.

Seconds before Bret would have been knocked out of the sky and possibly met the same fate as his manager, a silvery-green blur leapt toward him and caught him in a pair of not particularly muscular but nonetheless sturdy arms. Bret sucked in a shaky breath. His eyes swam with tears, blurring his vision too much to make out the face of his rescuer, but there was something about that flashy outfit... he could have sworn he'd dreamed about something like this.

"David Bowie?" he whispered.

"No," came the reply, gruff and terse but layered with affection. "It's Jemaine."

Jemaine landed on the opposite side of the chasm, where the construction paper ground crumpled under his boots. Boots? Yes, Bret realized upon wiping the tears from his eyes as his friend set him down, Jemaine was wearing sparkly silver platform boots. And that wasn't all.

Jemaine wore a tight-fitting silver sleeveless shirt with a ludicrously low neckline and a dark red zigzag pattern going across it. He had a dark green sequined dress that took on more of a blue tint when the light bounced off it a certain way, but then looked almost brown from a different angle. A high-collared cape with embroidered flower decals sat around his shoulders. Finally, embedded in a dark red flower tucked behind one ear was a cool-toned green gem.

"Jemaine!" Bret gasped in delight, the trauma of less than a minute ago instantly forgotten. "You're a magical girl!"

"Don't you mean magical man?" Jemaine asked, lips parting in a sly smile that showed off the gap in his teeth. "I am technically a man, in case you've forgotten."

"Oh, right. Yeah, you're... ah, it doesn't matter," Bret said with a shake of his head, breaking into a fond smile. "It's just good to see you, man."

Then a pair of wooden nunchucks appeared in Jemaine's hand, and Bret had to stifle a groan. Was that really his weapon? Whenever they watched a movie with nunchucks in it, Jemaine would make a comment about how cool they were and how he'd like a pair if he could ever afford them. Bret had never seen the appeal. There was a reason the pilots in Top Gun didn't use nunchucks.

But then, these ones were magic. Jemaine spun the weapon around a few times to wind it up and then flung it with a grunt of effort, and it flew like a boomerang (he would never want to use an actual boomerang lest he be mistaken for an Australian, but he secretly envied their iconic cultural weapon) into the witch's arm, where the chain wrapped around the limb and immobilized it so it couldn't attack anymore.

"I'm going to finish off the witch," Jemaine announced. "You've got enough grief seeds already, so this one will be mine."

With that, he leapt off the paper cliff, summoning a new pair of nunchucks into his hands-- metal ones this time. He twirled them above his head and they glowed with cool green light. Bullets of magic energy burst out of either end, buffeting the witch and any familiars that got in the way. When he got close enough he pulled the two sticks apart and the chain between them lengthened into a sort of metal whip. He swung it forward, lodged one stick in the spokes of the witch's back tires, and swung the remaining distance clutching the other stick.

Alright, so Jemaine really had no idea at all how nunchucks were supposed to work. He just thought they looked cool. He'd consulted with Dave about this and everything, and Dave had confirmed with a sage nod that nunchucks could be pretty cool if you used them right. And if this wasn't using them right, well... it wasn't, but it was how he wanted to use them, and so his magic allowed it.

<Its weakness is its heart, Jemaine,> he heard Bret's voice say in his head. Jemaine shuddered-- that was just as uncanny when it was his friend as when it was that creepy alien. <Sort of like humans, if you think about it... if you crush our hearts... um, nevermind.>

Jemaine nodded, even though Bret probably couldn't see him do so from his angle. He climbed up onto the empty back seat, whipped the witch across the back as hard as he could, then planted a solid kick to its chest when it spun around to grab him. He ground his heel against its heart even while grimacing at the squishy noises it made. This was completely unlike anything he'd done before. He hoped he wouldn't have to do anything like it again. But in the back of his mind he knew he wouldn't be so lucky-- he'd made a contract and now this would be his life.

The witch was on its last legs now. Most of the stars in its head had burnt out, and the last two flickered weakly. It tried to snatch him with its free hand, but that hand was shredded with a quick twirl of his weapon. One more solid hit to the heart-shaped heart and it was done.

As the witch screeched out its dying cries and began to break apart, bicycle and all, Jemaine realized he no longer had a foothold. Panic spiked through him for a moment and he almost considered asking Bret to use that freaky anti-gravity magic on him, but he didn't have to worry about it. By the time the witch's body caved in on itself and a grief seed fell from the sky into Jemaine's hands, his feet were touching safely down on slightly damp concrete.

Jemaine sighed, letting all the tension drain out of him as he detransformed. Those sorts of high-stakes stressful environments weren't for him. He glanced over at Bret, who had also detransformed. He didn't look hurt, at least no more than usual after a witch hunt, but he did look shaken in a way that he didn't usually. Jemaine would almost ask if he needed to purify his soul gem, except that he'd beat the witch so this grief seed was his-- although, wait, wasn't this one supposed to be for Murray? Yes, right, that was the arrangement. But he didn't see Murray when he looked around, so maybe he could get away with pocketing it for himself?

"Bret, have you seen Murray?"

Bret stiffened at the question. How was he supposed to answer that? "Yeah, I saw him. I saw him get eaten." He didn't know how Jemaine would respond to that. He'd probably just say I told you so.

But before Bret could figure out how to break the bad news, Jemaine stepped out of the alleyway and remarked in a casual if not slightly accusatory tone, "Ah, there he is. Where'd you go off to, Murray? You were supposed to be helping Bret out, and if I hadn't gotten there in time who knows what might have happened to him."

Those words definitely weren't addressed to a picked-over carcass. Heartbeat picking up, Bret ran past Jemaine and burst out of the alley. Sure enough, Murray stood on the sidewalk perfectly intact. He looked a little disoriented, glancing around with a confused frown, but he was okay. Relief flooded through Bret's system, overtaking his already below-average stores of rational thought and impulse control, and he tackled his manager in an embrace.

That snapped Murray out of his confusion but gave him a whole new thing to be confused about. He'd made it very clear to Bret and Jemaine that they'd have to do a little more work before they landed in the category of his friends again, and they hadn't seemed particularly eager to do that work in the first place. Acquaintances didn't usually run up and hug each other, unless he was missing out on even more in life than he'd thought. He stumbled back, blinking, as Bret held him in a vice grip.

"What, no hug for me?" Jemaine complained. Then, cheeks heating when he realized how jealous he sounded: "Not that I'd want one... might be kinda gay... but still, I think I deserve it more than Murray."

Bret drew back, wiping away a new wave of encroaching tears with the back of his sleeve. He didn't understand. He was sure he saw Murray die in that labyrinth. Unless maybe...

"Jemaine?" he asked. "What did you wish for?"

"The thing you would've if you were thinking-- none of that 'ooh, I want to meet a celebrity so I'll ask to breathe in outer space',' Jemaine said in a mocking tone that sounded less like Bret and more like the lady voice he sometimes used in their songs. In his normal voice he continued, "I wished for Murray to get us more actual paid gigs that people would come and see."

<A well-chosen request indeed,> Kyubey chimed in as it trotted out of the shadows to join the scene. Jemaine stiffened at its presence, but it padded right past him and hopped up onto Murray's shoulders. <Because Jemaine's wish involved the presence of Murray Hewitt, it was necessary for him to be restored.>

Jemaine didn't know what Kyubey meant by restored, but when Bret turned to him with a wide-eyed look that could only be described as awe, it didn't matter. The warmth that flooded through him at the sight of his friend's expression combined with the thrilling prospect of actual gigs in their future was enough to convince him he'd made the right decision. Being a magical girl couldn't be so bad.

[Part 4]

#hey did you know that i write stuff sometimes?

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racingtoaredlight · 3 years

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THE DEGENERATE’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE FOOTBALL TV WATCH ‘EM UPS 2021: WEEK TWO, A MUDDLED AND MAUDLIN WEEK OF MAYHEM IN HONOR OF THOSE WE LOST

RTARL would like to extend our warmest holiday wishes to those who celebrate and, even if you don’t, happy 9/11. Now who’s ready for some FOOTBALL!!!!?!?!

So after two weeks of games that combine to count as only one official week even though some teams have already played twice we have only one real question answered: is Alabama still good? Yes, they are. Everything else is still liquefying vapor.

I am assuming everybody is waiting with baited breath for an RTARLsman but I don’t have anything yet. I guess the not-Master Teague RBs on Ohio State are the frontrunners for now. Or that one guy from that one team who was good. You know who I mean.

Saturday, September 11

Matchup Time (ET) TV/Mobile

Illinois at Virginia 11:00am ACCN

Jeff George won Citrus Bowl MVP for the Illini against the Hoos in his last game as a student athlete before becoming the #1 overall pick in the 1990 NFL Draft. Based on this history it is safe to presume that whoever the QB is for Illinois today will be the #1 pick in 2022.

VMI at Kent State 11:30am ESPN3

I’m not sure on this but maybe this game is cancelled.

WKU at Army 11:30am CBSSN

Army is favored by 6. I bet this game is boring.

Norfolk State at Wake Forest 12:00pm ACCNX

I don’t see a line listed but whatever it is bet against Wake covering.

Indiana State at Northwestern 12:00pm BTN

This game is an act of terrorism.

Alabama State at 25 Auburn 12:00pm SECN

Real body bag season starts today, huh?

Youngstown State at Michigan State 12:00pm BTN

The Michigan State running back is the guy I was trying to think of earlier! He’s pretty good. Not good enough to make me watch this but I will check on his stats every so often.

Tulsa at Oklahoma State 12:00pm FS1

I bet Mike Gundy has some really salient thoughts on the 20th anniversary of 9/11 and I can’t wait to hear them.

South Carolina at East Carolina 12:00pm ESPN2

South Carolina is a two point favorite against an East Carolina team that is, per my understanding, not exactly good. So I can only extrapolate that South Carolina is likewise not good.

Pitt at Tennessee 12:00pm ESPN

Look, I’m not going to pretend this is good television but if Pitt rocks their classic yellow helmets and Tennessee wears non-alternates the colors on the screen will at least be pleasing. The thought of the actual football involved hurts my brain but it’s interesting that the points have gone from a consensus pick ‘em to Pitt -3 over the course of the week. Does Tennessee have any players that are good enough that by missing the game they could impact the gambling that much? Or are people just squaring themselves with the fact the the Vols are really and truly a ruined burnt out hole of a football program? Pound the latter.

12 Oregon at 3 Ohio State 12:00pm FOX

Losing Kayvon Thibideaux certainly isn’t going to help Oregon but he’s not usually on the field as a run stopper anyway and if Ohio State learned anything last week it’s that they can just run until they feel like throwing a pass. Oregon actually has some legit talent on the d-line besides Thibideaux but the Ducks are gonna be hard-pressed to keep things within two scores here.

Miami (Ohio) at Minnesota 12:00pm ESPN

If Oregon can’t make a game of it in Columbus look out because this time block is an absolute wasteland. There is scant reason to turn the TV on for the early schedule other than gambling purposes.

Kennesaw State at Georgia Tech 12:00pm RSN/ESPN3

Georgia Tech probably should have closed up shop after Paul Johnson retired. Either that or just absolutely slathered the football program in dollars. The Yellow Jackets being unable to land any big time recruits while playing in Atlanta is a real mindfuck. They aren’t a AA program playing dress up in a “power” conference they’ve got actual history. I don’t mean to give the impression I want them to be good but I don’t understand how they can be such fodder for so long.

13 Florida at USF 1:00pm ABC

Remember that year when USF was the best program in the state? Wild stuff. Weird, wild stuff. I know the deal with UF is that they don’t go out of state for contract games but it’s actually kind of surprising they even bothered to keep this trip to Tampa on the schedule. Like the area recruits would probably be happier to go see a game at The Swamp than to kick around their hometown for a pile of shit like this.

Wyoming at NIU 1:30pm ESPN+

I’m not gonna open the ESPN app for this but if it was on ESPN2 I’d probably check in on it during commercials. Aesthetically pleasing trash with an upside for actual entertainment.

Middle Tennessee at 19 Virginia Tech 2:00pm ACCNX

Virginia Tech’s home crowd scene was the normie story of last week’s games. People that don’t watch college football were either aghast or frantically waving their blue lives matter flags in response. Us in this space just ate the shame and forgot it happened by the time Saturday’s games kicked off. My theory is that VPI is not actually any good but UNC’s 2020 season was a well-timed fluke and the last hurrah of Mack Brown’s storied coaching career. The Hokies are at home, though, and MTSU is almost certainly not on the same athletic level as the Turkey Gobblers so I’d probably take the home team -20 if I were so inclined to wager on this particular game that is being broadcast on the ACC’s new pornography channel.

Rutgers at Syracuse 2:00pm ACCN

Holy fuck does this game suck. Reuniting former Big East, uh, rivals (??? does Rutgers have any natural enemies?) in a cross-conference classic betwixt the B1G and the ACC.

Duquesne at Ohio 2:00pm ESPN3

I don’t think I need to explain to you all the national title implications riding on this game.

Toledo at 8 Notre Dame 2:30pm Peacock

Just remember that if you subscribe to Peacock you are at the very least tacitly supporting Notre Dame. If for some reason you’re watching this please report back on how many of those defensive pick plays Notre Dame runs. They were doing that shit constantly against Florida State last week and it drove me nuts. I think the idea is that you are so flagrantly illegal so often that the refs grow numb to it and just don’t call it at all.

Robert Morris at Central Michigan 3:00pm ESPN3

Not to be outdone by the early games, the 3 o’clock set is equally terrible.

Purdue at UConn 3:00pm CBSSN

I bet Edsall still gets bonuses for stupid shit even now that he’s retired or whatever the official designation was for him no longer coaching.

Boston College at UMass 3:30pm FloFootball/NESN+

I don’t know what FloFootball is but I know it isn’t anything to do with the state of Florida.

Ball State at 11 Penn State 3:30pm FS1

It surprises me to see Penn State as only -22.5 favorites. That seems very kind to Ball State. Hopefully I’m wrong and the Ball State Lettermans take it to the Sanduskys.

Murray State at 7 Cincinnati 3:30pm ESPN+

Practice week continues.

Temple at Akron 3:30pm ESPN+

Pound the under.

Georgia Southern at Florida Atlantic 3:30pm Stadium

There is really nothing going on this week.

Air Force at Navy 3:30pm CBS

Middies vs. Fly Boys in the first leg of the Commander’s Cup on the twentieth anniversary of 9/11. I can’t imagine the amount of emotional manipulation that’s going to make its way onto this broadcast. Normally I watch these games but I don’t think I can do it this year.

UAB at 2 Georgia 3:30pm ESPN2

Georgia may well be absurdly talented on the defensive side of the ball but I’d be surprised to see them make it through the regular season with fewer than two losses.

5 Texas A&M at Colorado 3:30pm FOX

This is only interesting if the Aggies spring a leak.

California at TCU 3:30pm ESPNU

Things most certainly are not looking up.

Buffalo at Nebraska 3:30pm BTN

Nebraska is in an interesting position because if they buck the odds and end up being good after we’ve all been so ready to see a National Championship-winning coach get fired that would be funny but if they end up being really bad it’s even funnier. Go Bulls!

Mercer at 1 Alabama 4:00pm SECN

I’ll cry a little if Saban pulls the starters in the first half and the Tide beats Mercer by less than they beat Miami.

South Alabama at Bowling Green 4:00pm ESPN+

10 Iowa at 9 Iowa State 4:30pmABC

This is not the kind of top 10 matchup I can just sit idly by and let it happen. Your silence is complicity in this monstrous display of modernity.

SC State at 6 Clemson 5:00pm ACCN

Clemson dropped all the way to #6 and they’ll hang around the top of the polls because they don’t have the toughest conference schedule in the world but my confidence in them is not high right now. I think the new QB is just a guy. He’s talented as hell but I don’t see him being great.

Illinois State at Western Michigan 5:00pm ESPN3

This is either MACtion or MACtion adjacent and I have only one word for this midwestern trash: abhorrent.

LIU at West Virginia 5:00pm ESPN+

LIU plays football?

Lamar at UTSA 6:00pm ESPN3

Downside: You’re watching one of the least important games of the year. Upside: You’re really not missing anything.

Portland State at Washington State 6:00pm P12N

Washington State was a perfect spot for the stupid pirate fuckhead and his leaving has ruined the program and, eventually, his reputation. Not relevant to this game necessarily but this game isn’t relevant to anything else, either.

Gardner-Webb at Charlotte 6:00pm ESPN3

Oh, yeah, feel the excitement.

Bethune-Cookman at UCF 6:30pm ESPN+

Go Cats.

NC Central at Marshall 6:30pm ESPN+

The hits keep coming.

Houston at Rice 6:30pm CBSSN

I’ve always had a soft spot for Holgo and for Houston football but somehow I really don’t like seeing him coach the Cougs. This is SWC magic but with no magic. UNLESS! Houston can put up 100. I don’t think they even have the guys to do it but this is Rice we’re talking about here.

Nicholls at Louisiana 7:00pm ESPN3

Keep the energy up.

North Texas at SMU 7:00pm ESPN+

I bet is MS621 were still alive he’d be at this game giving Spencer’s boys hell. Sadly he died doing what he loved, curing his COVID by eating ivermectin paste out of a horse’s butt. R.I.P., friend. Neigh to you wherever you are.

Southeastern La. at Louisiana Tech 7:00pm ESPN3

Even the low tier stuff is geared up for annihilation. This is a bodybag week for all time.

Memphis at Arkansas State 7:00pm ESPN+

Memphis getting less than a touchdown against Arkansas State seems like easy money but I have no real concept of either of these teams just yet. Maybe the end is nigh for the Tigers glory years? I sure hope not but it’s possible.

NC State at Mississippi State 7:00pm ESPN2

This game should be as fun as a parents funeral.

Southern Illinois at Kansas State 7:00pm ESPN+

Over the past week I experienced derision for referring the the guys in purple and silver as “Kansas State” instead of “K State” and that stung because it always surprises me that anybody cares about them enough to have a strong opinion about them.

Stephen F. Austin at Texas Tech 7:00pm ESPN+

Shrugs

15 Texas at Arkansas 7:00pm ESPN

Let’s see if Texas is ready to run with the big boys of the SEC! Arkansas is given a decent shot to win this game and that makes the “15″ next to Texas appear extremely suspect in my eyes.

Texas Southern at Baylor 7:00pm ESPN+

This week Texas Southern is the people’s champion.

Texas State at FIU 7:00pm ESPN+

Oh, Butch, why have you done this to yourself?

Western Carolina at 4 Oklahoma 7:00pm PPV

All the Westen Carolina fans are buying this PPV to see their guys score 40.

New Mexico State at New Mexico 7:00pm Stadium

I looked up the historic rivalry last year to figure out why it was played early in the season instead of at the end but I’ve forgotten and don’t feel the need to look it up again. I figured out how to watch Stadium on my TV but I also forgot that and don’t feel the need to look it up again.

Appalachian State at 22 Miami (FL) 7:00pm ESPNU

My gut tells me Miami is probably legitimately about the 14th best team in the country but I still would never advise you to bet actual money on the Hurricanes. Are they 9 points better than App State? Easily. They should win by 20+. Are they liable to fuck around and lose or scrape out a win in the final seconds? Absolutely. Let’s fuckin’ go.

Morgan State at Tulane 7:00pm ESPN+

A lot of people learned to love the Green Wave last week but it’s hard to keep that going with their schedule. Don’t forget them later in the year when the CBSSN glow is really shining.

Liberty at Troy 7:00pm ESPN+

Liberty -4 is maybe my surest advice of the week. If Malik Willis is as good as his press the fake school should have this game on ice early.

Eastern Michigan at 18 Wisconsin 7:00pm FS1

I find Wisconsin’s losing effort against Penn State last week to be a personal affront against me and all of nature.

Eastern Kentucky at Louisville 7:00pm ACCNX

I think this game being broadcast at night on ACCNX means they’re playing naked.

Grambling State at Southern Miss 7:00pm ESPN3

This is the kind of game that belongs on an app.

Hampton at Old Dominion 7:00pm ESPN3

This is the kind of game that belongs on a well-worn high school football field.

Austin Peay at 20 Mississippi 7:30pm ESPN+/SECN+

This is a pretty big OOC game for an SEC team.

Georgia State at 24 North Carolina 7:30pm RSN/ESPN3

One of several GSUs, I think this is the one I most hope emerges victorious this week.

Idaho at Indiana 7:30pm BTN

Wait, wasn’t Indiana like #10 last week? What the hell happened to them? No, don’t tell me. Seriously, don’t.

Missouri at Kentucky 7:30pm SECN

When the SEC hits 24 teams the “S!E!C!” chants are gonna seem really stupid.

Howard at Maryland 7:30pm BTN

There’s no official line for this game but I hope the Bison can pull off the upset in this classic local rivalry game.

Jacksonville State at Florida State 8:00pm ACCN

Still shaking my head at FSU icing their own kicker. Jesus, Norvell. Get your shit together.

McNeese at LSU 8:00pm ESPN+/SECN+

LOLSU was my lock of the week last week if you’re considering taking gambling advice from me.

Washington at Michigan 8:00pm ABC

UDub lost to a 1-AA team last week and now they have to go on the road and beat Michigan. Which seems inevitable, to be honest.

Cal Poly at Fresno State 10:00pm CW59

The murder rate will continue to increase as the day progresses. I always kind of like it when a local broadcast shows up on the sheet. So pretty much none of us have legal access to this game. It makes it more special.

San Diego State at Arizona 10:00pm P12N

Pac-12 Network is similar to CW59 in that almost nobody in the country has legal access to their broadcasts. If you’ve read enough of these posts you are aware that SDSU is my weird very deep backup team. I don’t have a reason to align myself with the school or program, I just tend to enjoy watching their games.

Vanderbilt at Colorado State 10:00pm CBSSN

This is an abomination.

21 Utah at BYU 10:15pm ESPN

This is a lowkey fun rivalry. I’m pretty sure I write the same thing every year but it’s still true. Go Utes.

Stanford at 14 USC 10:30pm FOX

I think USC could win a national championship and I’d still be baffled that Clay Helton is their coach. Of course, they won’t win a national championship as long as Clay Helton is their coach but they apparently won’t ever get embarrassing enough to fire him, either.

Idaho State at Nevada 10:30pm Stadium

This is the lowpoint of the week’s schedule and you have to stay up late to watch it on a network that only exists as an app or as part of a hidden unlockable download-only level of cable subscription. This is the beauty of the college game.

UNLV at 23 Arizona State 10:30pm ESPN2

Herm Edwards figured out the trick to looking good in the Pac-12 without having a particularly great team and I can’t make up my mind if I’m rooting for him to keep sliding on that rail or to fall off it. I think I’ve come around to rooting for him but it’s a very dynamic and fluid situation.

Hawaii at Oregon State 11:00pm FS1

Hawaii gets to play at their normal time for a game against the bottom of the barrel of the Pac-12 but they’re an 11-point underdog. If you’re ever going to take Hawaii, this is the stars lining up for you to do it. It’s still a big “if” but I’m saying there’s a chance.

#college football #football #Tv watch em ups #rtarl watches tv #gambling #9/11 #two decades after 9/11

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watchmebackflip75 · 4 years

Text

How to Train Your Wizard

Maybe I wrote a RED SHOES story involving a Viking. No it’s not those dragon riding Vikings.

SourceURL:https://archiveofourown.org/works/25142545 How to Train Your Wizard - BleedingHeart911 - Red Shoes and the 7 Dwarfs (2019) [Archive of Our Own]

… The mermaids of the beach found the tourist humans too odd by a starfish-half. Giant umbrella over their fully clothed bodies; these landmaids were in the wrong climate. The strange landfolk separated from nature further by sitting in lounging chairs as if the boulders in the ocean weren’t cool enough.

“Gotta love that sun.” Snow White said under her sunhat. In one hand she fanned her soft chin, in the other her fingers laced in her boyfriend’s hand.

“Yes, and this fresh sea breeze.” Merlin said dozily, his eyelids closing under his sun-obstacles. He snapped his long fingers and a candle enchanted with bug-repellent burned green and smelled like a sunflower. They sighed in unison, their cares slipping away.

The cawing of seagulls became the yelps of scared mermaids. Snow and Merlin open a single eye each to see a wooden dragon raging towards the shoreline.

“Who would think building a giant dragon puppet easier than taking the beast as a pet?” Merlin asked as he dropped his lite beach-rob. He flipped through the spell-cards in his belt-satchel.

“Sweetie, that’s a Viking’s ship. You might want to pull out a big zapper.” Snow said as she closed their umbrella. Merlin had his magic, she had the strength to stab and whack. They sped-walked to the gentle waves, weapons in hand but allowing the strangers to arrive.

“Never fought a Viking before. Heard they’re like minotaur-pirates without dental plans.” Merlin said, watching the huge sails.

“That’s the stereotype. It’s not untrue but I’ve known some exceptions.” Snow said as the boat pushed into the sand.

Merlin smirked, he thought about asking if his princess had known a lot of disgusting pirates growing up in the sheltered ballrooms. He didn’t ask since the horned, hairy, man-like fiends jumped onto the beach, shaking the earth.

The hairy beasts groaned in warning, weapons in hand though they stood in wait. A huge, maybe seven-foot-tall, yellow-haired beast jumped off the side. His smell made Merlin’s stomach turn.

“I’m going to hit him with a soap-spell first.” Merlin said as he raised a spell-card.

Snow grabbed his hand, “Wait a minute. Brutechel?”

Under the unruly hair and horned-helmet Merlin saw bright blue eyes and the scruffy stubble of a young man’s sickly smile.

“Snow! You’re alright!” The Viking exclaimed, swinging his mallets over his head.

Snow laughed and ran into Brutechel’s hug. The Viking’s thick muscles had no problem raising Snow off her feet in a twirl. The sight disgusted Merlin; he felt a flicker of lightning trickle up his thin arms.

Brutechel placed Snow back on the sand and held her fair little hands in his hammy ham-hands.

“I wanted to come sooner- when I heard about your step-mother –“

“It’s fine, we’re fine. You had your reasons for not-“

“No, my chief hid your letters. He had- I had no idea… You must have thought I was the most selfish son of troll.” Brutechel said with regret.

“Never.” Snow’s big brown eyes looked up at the young man two-heads taller than she.

Brutechel sighed deeply with tears of joy. “Thank Odin you’re alright.”

“Yes, she is.” Merlin stated loudly, stepping to Snow’s side. He put an arm around her possessively and said, “Hi, I’m the hero who saved the White Castle, among others. Merlin, leader of the Fearless Seven, I’m sure you heard of us.”

“Thought you guys were a democracy.” Snow said, dropping her hands from Brutechel’s grip.

“When my quick thinking and skill can’t find an advantage, yes we can be.” Merlin amended.

“Oh, yeah I have heard the F Seven. Thought they died a year ago?” Brutechel said, eyeing the overly-groomed fishbone holding Snow.

“Sabbatical.” Snow shrugged slightly annoyed with Merlin’s bragging, “So yeah, Brutechel this is Merlin, Merlin this is my dear old…. Brutechel.”

Both boys heard her take a beat to avoid using ‘old/ ex boyfriend’.

“Uh-huh.” Brutechel said, folding his ox-like muscles across his chest.

“Yep.” Merlin said with a pop of his lips.

Snow groaned through a smile and pushed Merlin’s hand off her shoulder. “Bea, tell me you didn’t come all this way just for me and my problems.”

“I would’ve crossed any seas if I thought you were in danger.” Brutechel said gently.

Merlin tried to say something but Snow spoke over him with, “Then the least we can do is invite you to dinner.”

“I’d be honored, Snow Bunny.” Brutechel said, barely moving his eyes from Snow, “That alright with you, chum?”

“Of course, and allow me to cook for you, bud.” Merlin said with a very fake smile.

“I’ll bring something over, that fine with you, Murray?” Brutechel said unamused.

“Don’t go out of your way, Brutus, any allergies I should know about?” Merlin asked stepping closer.

“Nope, but I don’t eat meat or dairy, dude.” The Viking said, crouching over string-bean.

“You’re a Vegan Viking, lad?” Merlin asked, noticing a few teeth were metal and gold.

“You bet your pointy hat, pal.” Brutechel said, wondering when non-Viking men started wearing perfume.

Merlin held back a flicker of lightning in his palm, “We’ll keep that in mind, and don’t trouble yourself with dessert. I know a guy.”

“I know a guy, too.” Brutechel said, curling and uncurling his fist.

“Oh boy,” Snow said drily, she clapped her hands, “You guys, hey.”

They both stared at her, their postures aligned to pounce.

“How about we all agree to meet at the castle around sunset? That good for you, Brutechel?”

The smelly oaf softened, “Oh course, Bunny, I look forward to tonight.”

“Me too.” Snow said sweetly as she grabbed Merlin’s arm, “Let’s go get ready.”

“Of course, my darling.” Merlin said, looping his arm around Snow’s elbow. “Now don’t you pillage when we turn our backs.”

Snow pinched his arm and they waved to the Vikings to Brutechel’s horde. The couple noticed some had buckets of popcorn. The Vikings waived back in a friendly manner.

On Risky Rock, Arthur’s laugh dug so deep the side of his dwarf-green abbs began to ache.

“Pure barry,” Merlin’s oldest friend said while beating the table. “Snow use to date a Viking? One of those lugs would use you like a toothpick. This has to be killing you, Merlin!” “Shut up, Arthur.” Merlin said while pouting in his chair at their oval table.

“Poor Merlin, the cute cure to your curse came with some burly baggage.” Jack said, also still green, small and polishing his nails to a shine. Pino, Noki and Kio stated different similes for Jack’s alliteration.

“I really can’t see how a girl as lovely and demur as Snow would ever even think of going near one of those filthy vandals.” Merlin said, relieved he could complain far from his girlfriend’s ears.

“Ah, la vache, you would’ve said the same thing about your squat little self when she met you.” Jack countered. Arthur was still chortlings, rolling on the floor.

Merlin rolled his eyes, “I really doubt there’s anything hidden in that bear. But it is so like her to take a stray home and try to bathe it.”

“I’ve tried to do the same thing will all of you.” Jack stated, causing Hans’ brow to wrinkle in confusion. The ginger chef came out with meatless stroganoff in a glass dish with painted candies dancing around the sides.

“Here, Merlin, I replaced the beef with tofu.” Hans said. He liked trying an old dish with a new twist.

“Right, I’ll return it tomorrow.” Merlin said, he wondered if he poisoned the tofu would it hurt Hans’ feelings. After he closed the door his friends hovered at the oval table.

“We’re going to that dinner, right?” Hans asked in the huddle.

“Affirmative.” Pino said cheerfully.

“You got that right.” Said Niko.

“Let’s bring a boardgame.” Kio said.

In the White Castle the princess set the table. The incident of her step-mother, may she rest in peace, turning her entire court and staff into trees made rehiring very difficult. Princess Snow didn’t mind setting the table, it reminded her of childhood tea parties. The memories of the princess guests judging her when she ate a cookie or scone wasn’t so nice. Snow accepted the past, forgave the foolish, remembered how Princess Katherine got kicked by a unicorn for being too boney and looked forward to her future.

“Have you thought about hiring elves? I hear they’re inexpensive.” Merlin said as he folded the napkins into swans.

“I sent notice, and I offered to pay them above the average non-human rate. Did you know Elves can catch all the same diseases we can and still don’t get health insurance?” Snow said, lighting candles.

“Shame. But they should be grateful at least one saintly princess cares.” Merlin said, taking her hand and kissing the back of it.

“Aww. Oh, thanks for getting Hans’ dish.” Snow said, raising the lid to see the home-rolled pasta Hans made. He rolled two different colored pastas to look like a candy cane swirl.

“Gladly. Do something for me, darling?” Merlin asked with a handsome smile.

“What’s that?”

“Cancel on Brute-a-chelli and enjoy a private dinner with me?”

“Merlin.” Snow said in a balanced tone.

“Whhhhhy are you making me hang out with the man who’s obviously still in love with you? How do you think that makes me feel??” Merlin whined.

Snow put a hand to her hip and raised her fingers as she made these points; “Okay, One; he’s not still in love with me, two: he’s a great guy I think you’d like after you get to know him, three: because I want to remain friends with Brutechel he needs to see the wonderful man I’ve chosen.”

The doubt that any man would be evolved enough to see his former love happy with a new beau ran deep in Merlin. He carefully considered choosing his words so he could squash her hopes in the most respectful route.

Snow placed her hands on his chest. “How about this? You really try to be nice tonight and after I’ll show you the flexible Valkyrie dress in my closet.”

Merlin raised an eyebrow, “Bribe accepted.”

Brutechel brought a salad in what looked like a giant yak skull. Merlin didn’t like pesto but he generously complimented the inscriptions carved in the bone-bowl. Brutechel the Kittenish was an animal lover. He had a zoo of pets on his ship and more at home; all rescues. At age six he tamed a sabertooth tiger and dedicated the rest of his life to respecting and caring for beasts found during sailing by the family business. Officially the ‘family business’ was exclusive pottery and dishes from ‘recycled’ materials. The wizard found the doe-eyed Viking simple and boring. Merlin became less jealous the more Brutechel droned on about different feeding tests. To his joy he noticed Snow was only polite with the guest, she appreciated the kindness but was only just not asleep in her goblet.

“Oh look, the bottle’s getting low. Excuse me, I’ll grab a refill. Any preference?” Merlin merrily asked.

Brutechel took the last glup of his goblet. “More of this, please.”

“Yes, thank you.” Snow said, her porcelain cheeks a light pink.

Brutechel watched the skinny snob leave the room. He searched for his courage and gazed at the glorious queen before him.

“So how’s your cousin with the pegle-“

“Bunny, I love you!” Brutechel admitted, his eyes wide with seriousness.

A lump formed in Snow’s throat. “What?”

“I am crazy about you, so how about we leave and talk about the rest of our lives for the rest of our lives?” Brutechel said, leaned him large hands over to hold her.

Snow gently whacked them with her soup spoon. “Brutechel, no! How can you say that to me with my boyfriend around?”

“He’s not around now. And Bunny, come on, he can’t protect you from bears.” Brutechel said, surprised she wasn’t thanking him for the out from the malnourished lizard.

“Why do you always bring it back to bears?” Snow winced and raised her hands, “No, I am not engaging in this conversation again. I say no, Bea.”

“But he’s so…. Shrimpy!”

“He’s also kind and clever and cute in all the ways and I choose him.” Snow said, putting a hand over her heart.

Brutechel felt his heart drop. He looked over Snow’s shoulder to see the smug sorcerer dancing and meeting his eyes with a poking tongue.

“I’m not sorry, I love Merlin.” Snow continued, not aware in the slightest the Merlin was making insulting gestures of victory to the denied suitor.

“You sure about that?” Brutechel asked, growing agitated at the arrogant snake’s dance.

“Yes.” Snow said with resound certainty, “I love him with all my heart.”

Brutechel groaned, “I want you to be happy, Snow White. I should go.”

“I do want you to be happy too, Bea.” Snow said, she felt pity that such a kind soul hadn’t found his right person yet.

The Viking slung his bear-skin over his shoulder and said not to worry about returning the skull-bowl.

Slipping back to the pantry Merlin soundlessly stomped the floor in glee. He picked a random wine bottle, did a twirl, and swung his arms without shame. He had no idea the Dwarf Six were watching him under Jack’s invisibility cloak. He muffled their laughter and followed the goofy friend to the dinning hall entrance. Merlin exhaled his delight and put on a façade of indifference when he approached Snow.

“Here we are, darling. How’s your goblet, Brutty? Oh my goodness, where did he go?” Merlin asked in phony surprise.

“He said he had to turn in for an early sail.” Snow fibbed, her face a little slumped.

“I see. Oh, dear. I’m sorry you’re disappointed.” Merlin wasn’t completely fibbing.

“It's how it goes.” Snow said as he kissed the top of her head.

“It’s getting late, we can raincheck the skimpy outfit you promised me.” Merlin said, he was already happy with the night so he could extend the excitement.

“Really? Honestly yeah, I’m not feeling it right now.” Snow said, placing her napkin on her plate. “I’ll clean up if you get the pillows cleared off.”

“I’ll clean, you get the cuddle chamber ready.” Merlin said as he took Hans’ dishware to the kitchen. Placing the dish in soapy water Merlin caught his reflection in a shiny tea pot.

“Hello gorgeous,” Merlin said to himself, “The smelly beast is gone and now Snow can get Merlin’d happily.”

Lightly parting his hair Merlin noticed a figure on the slant of the teapot. Instinct had him swiftly crouch down and miss the blow of the sink-size mallet. Merlin jumped up to see Hans’ dishware was intact, good, and he slapped a spell-card on the assailant behind him. The man was four times thicker so there was plenty of target. Merlin slide to the side and clapped his hands for a blast of lightning.

Brutechel blew the smoke from the burnt spot on his pec. The blast stung like a bee.

“Okay, let’s talk about this.” Brutechel offered, he felt a bad sport to attack such a soft puncher.

“Oh lets.” Merlin raised more spells in his fingers, “You got dumped, I make Snow happier,”

The wizard said this as they walked around a kitchen island. “Brute, chum, you can leave with a smidgen of dignity and I can be alone with the woman I adore. Or I zap you until your thick skull is a soup bowl”

Brutechel scoffed as they circled the steak knife set.

“You have tricks up your sleeve where Snow lays out her heart. My Bunny doesn’t need that.” Brutechel said as he threw a ladle at the wizard’s head.

Merlin dodged the ladle and threw a lightning bolt at the Viking's face. The stubble wouldn’t kindle but the ungroomed eyebrows burned clean off. Brutechel grabbed the saucepan and swung it in his palm.

“From what I heard you haven’t a clue what she needs.” Merlin said, he held up his arms so her magic could block the blows. “And you are the worst listener!”

Braced for another punch Merlin felt winded when nothing met his sizzling force fields. He lowered his guard to see Brutechel kneeled on the floor, hands down at his side.

“Go ahead, demon-whisperer, take me out so my Bunny can live in peace.” Brutechel said sadly, offering his thick neck open to a strike.

“Oh get up. As much as I loathe hearing you call my love ‘Bunny’,” Merlin rolled his eyes and shook with revulsion, “it’s no sport to disfigure a martyr.”

Brutechel nodded at the reasoning. He stood up, a head taller than Merlin, and wiped his hands, “If I ever hear you hurt her, I will use your straw arms for oyster forks.”

“Sure. Want a meal for the road, er, sea?” Merlin offered, he pointed to the pantry of fresh vegetables.

“Oh come on!” An oh too familiar voice bellowed from the shadows. Merlin groaned with annoyance while the spooked Brutechel searched for the demon source. Arthur threw off the cloak and slapped Merlin’s thigh.

“Mate, if you don’t defend Snow-belle’s honor I will disown!” The cursed prince said.

“Demon!” Brutechel yelled, grabbing his mallet and aiming to smash the little green monster. The mini monster caught the mallet’s face and pulled it from the Viking’s hand.

“No, I wouldn’t do it right. You can go right ahead.” Merlin said flatly, the two lug-heads were already crashing and destroying the royal kitchen.

The rest of the group sat on the kitchen island, eating the leftovers. One of the triplets shook a dice inside a cup.

“Hey.” Jack nonchalantly said, signaling they would clean up before the sun rose.

“Hey yourself.” Merlin waved in a quiet thanks to his friends. He rolled his neck and walked to Snow’s bedroom.

A lit candle was left on her nightstand. Snow faced away from the glow as she slept. In the pajamas that matched hers Merlin slid between the sheets. He pulled her head under his chin and lightly ran his fingers over her skin.

“You took a while. I should’ve helped washed.” Snow yawned against his neck.

“You're fine, darling. You're perfect.” Merlin quietly told her, he snapped his finger and the flame sparked away.

#red shoes and the seven dwarfs #red shoes and the 7 dwarfs #red shoes #merlin #arthur #prince arthur #jack #pino #noki #kio #hans #snow white

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isakthedragon · 6 years

Text

Super Sonic Thieves Chapter 4

Chapter 4 - Thieves of the Caribbean

Intro Cutscene:

Sly: During our stay with Thaddeus Cooper, I was looking into the Thievius Raccoonus (being sure to keep Thaddeus from looking into it so he doesn’t gain any future knowledge) to spot any changes to my ancestors. Just as suspected, I found the entry for Henriette “One-Eye” Cooper had drastically changed. Born to Rioichi Cooper, my Japanese ancestor, in the 17th century, Henriette had all the thieving ambition of her father. But not so much his stealth. Rather than follow in his footsteps as a ninja, she went down the opposite path and became a pirate. Not sure how old Rioichi felt about that but I’m sure he became proud as Henriette became one of the most successful pirates of all time! By the end of her career, Henriette’s pirate booty was the biggest of them all!

Sonic: Hahahaha!

Sly: Shh! Anyway, point is, Henriette was awesome. Unfortunately, as I discovered from the Thievius Raccoonus, all of her exploits had disappeared! Not a trace of her entry remained! No doubt Dr. Eggman and his goons have interfered with Henriette’s entry into the pirate life. Once we were ready, the gang and I headed off to 17th Century Caribbean to kickstart Henriette’s career!

Sly Cooper and the Gang in…

*It starts off with a view of a mast of a ship until the sail unfurls down, showing the title: ‘Thieves of the Caribbean’ *

-----

Hub Layout:

The gang’s hideout is in an abandoned shop on the outskirts of town. The town itself is moderately size filled with various shops and bars for the pirates to drink at. Northwest of town is a jungle with a river, and is mostly uninhabited. Southwest of town is the pier where all the pirate ships float, waiting to be weighed anchor. Out at sea is plenty of pirate ships floating about and varying sized islands hiding treasure.

Enemies:

Monkeys: Brown monkeys in low-ranking pirate uniforms that swing across trees and rooftops in search of anyone trying to rob the loot of their captain. Provoking them may cause them to screech out, calling for other guards. Carries/drops 6-8 coins to pickpocket has 10% chance of treasure.

Parrots: Colorful birds in mid-ranking pirate garb that fly around also in search of pirate robbers. Attacking them will bring on a counterattack with a bite from their beaks. Carries/drops 8-10 coins to pickpocket has 25% chance of treasure.

Coconut Crabs: Orange crabs in high-ranking pirate clothes that are in constant guard of their captain with their flashlights. Unless you sneak attack them, don’t ever attempt to attack them save for strong characters like Murray, as only they can break through their shells and defeat them. Carries/drops 8-13 coins to pickpocket has 50% chance of treasure.

Pirate Pawns: Pawns dressed like pirates that attack by swiping their swords and hook hands at you. Best to attack them from above to avoid their attacks. Drops 7 rings when smashed.

Skele-tons: Pawn/Badniks also dressed like pirates, they will throw their bone-like appendages at you. Attack them after they throw them. Drops 9 rings when smashed.

Egg Cannoneers: Giant badniks that carry around cannons on their shoulders (Think Egg Hammers, but with cannons). If they notice you, they will aim at you and fire away. Quickly get away from their target markers to survive. Only strong characters like Knuckles and Murray, or cannon shots can destroy them quickly. Drops 11 rings when smashed.

Par-rots: Flying parrot badniks that spit coconuts at in front of them, or drop coconuts from above. Drops 6 rings when smashed.

Octus: Floating octopus badniks that spit missiles at you. Drops 7 rings when smashed.

Aquis: Flying seahorse badniks that spit globs of oil that slow you down. Drops 8 rings when smashed.

Treasures:

From Guards:

Bronze Compass: Worth 45 coins and 23 rings.

Silver Compass: Worth 65 coins and 33 rings.

Gold Compass: Worth 85 coins and 43 rings.

From Pedestals:

Maltese Liquor: Rigged with a fall-damage trap. Worth 350 coins and 175 rings. Hiding on the roof of a bar.

Black Pearl: Rigged with a 1:45 bomb trap. Worth 500 coins and 250 rings. Hiding in a pirate ship in the port.

Golden Sail: Rigged with a fall damage trap. Worth 450 coins and 225 rings. Hiding on the roof of a shop.

Titanium Pegleg: No bobby trap. Worth 600 coins and 300 rings. Hiding in the forest.

The coins have a skull and crossbones design on them.

Secret Sighting of Clockwerk: Acting statuesquely on top of the ‘skull island’.

-----Jobs-----

A Pirate’s Life for Me?

Find Henriette Cooper

Bentley: “It’s becoming increasingly clearer with each passing time that we need to find your ancestors as soon as we can!”

Sly: “Ah, so you want us to go and find Henriette here, huh?”

Bentley: “Correct.”

Sonic: “It’s a good idea, especially against a guy like Eggman’s croney, Captain Whisker.”

Blaze: “Captain Whisker is a dangerous robot to go up against, for sure.”

Sly: “I wonder if he’ll be as much of a challenge as Lefwee was...”

Tails: “You’ll see. Come on, let’s help you find your ancestor.”

*The player takes control of Sly and Tails as they go around town, searching for pairs of guards sitting out in the open. The player must find a secret spot to hide to start the cutscene. This is done 3 times at a shop to the north, under a bridge in the middle of town, and a bar roof to the south.*

*At the shop*

Monkey Pirate 1: “Heh he, we sure did show Henriette not to mess with Captain Whisker!”

Parrot Pirate 1: *SQUAWK* “Showed her!”

Monkey Pirate 1: “She even sold the last of her ship stuff she could salvage.”

Parrot Pirate 1: “Wonder where she’s going? Last saw her going south from here!”

*At the bridge*

Parrot Pirate 2: *SQUAWK!* “Poor Henriette!”

Coconut Crab Pirate 1: “Heh, such a sad sack. Didn’t really feel right attack her considering what we did earlier to her ship and her mates.”

Parrot Pirate 2: “Maybe go drown her sorrows?!”

Coconut Crab Pirate 1: “Did seem to go south to the only bar that sells rum and lemonade.”

*At the bar*

Monkey Pirate 2: “Heh, did you see Henriette stumble by?” *He laughs*

Coconut Crab Pirate 2: “Seems she was already rummed up.”

Monkey Pirate 2: “Have to admit she holds well while holding all those bottles without breaking them.”

Coconut Crab Pirate 2: “Stumbling towards the docks, hope she doesn’t fall in the water and sink.”

*The player then heads to the pier. Upon finding Henriette at the dock*

Henriette: *Takes a long drink of her rum* Blow a man down is a blow me down trick. Blow - Blow - Blow - a man down…

*Sly and Tails cautiously approach Henriette*

Sly: Um… Henriette?

Henriette: HEY!!! Can’t you hear that I’m SHINGING?! It’sh very rude to interrupt one during a sea shanty. And don’t call me Henriette. I’m more privy to… Henri! *Takes another long jug at her rum*

Tails: Oh boy, I see someone’s has taken more rum than necessary.

Sly: I’ll say… *Puts hand to telecommunicator* Hey guys, we found Henriette. Er, “Henri”. But we’re gonna need help getting her to the Safe House. She's really drunk.

Bentley: Oh my! Okay, we’re heading out to help.

*The enemy pirates appear behind Sly, Tails, and Henriette*

Enemy Pirate: There you are, Cooper! We got you where we want you!

Henriette: UGH! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?! DON’T INTERRUPT ME DURING A SHEA SHANTY! That doesh it! Imma fight you all!

Tails: Oh man, you guys might wanna hurry! We’re getting ambushed!

*The player has to fight against the 4 waves of pirates with Henriette, also making sure not to let her be defeated.*

*During the fight*

Henriette: I may not have my cane but I can give a beating! Once this is over, YOU will be the ones needing a cane!

Tails: Man, for someone whose mental capacity has slowed, she sure can fight.

Sly: From past experience, alcohol can really bring the fight out of ya.

*Once all the enemy pirates have been defeated*

Henriette: Yeah, that’s right! Run away you stupid landlubbers! *To Sly and Tails* Sorry about yellin’ at you earlier. I shee now that you’re friendlies! Let’s celebrate our victory with a drink! *Chugs bottle of rum*

Tails: Oh, no thanks. I’m very underaged.

Sly: Yeah, and rum’s not my drink order. But we gotta-!

*Henriette falls onto her back and snores loudly, obviously passed out from too much rum*

Sly: Um...

Tails: Hehe, good thing we asked the rest of the gang to come. Now they can help us carry her to the Safe House.

*Job Complete*

-----

Sly: “Not wanting to chance another attack from pirates wanting to finish off Henriette, we hurriedly got her back to the safehouse. Once there, it took her a while to wake up in a hungover stupor. Through her slurring, she told us that she was severely depressed.”

Henriette: “Argh, how can I call myself a pirate anymore? A stupid robot pirate named Captain Whisker attacked my ship in the middle of the night. His first mate Johnny dragged me out forcibly and made me watch him kill all of my mates, steal all my booty of the past year, and then sunk my ship I worked so hard on! And worse, he then stole my cutlass canes! I… I’m a failure of the Cooper Clan. Rioichi… I failed you…”

Sly: “We did our best to try to relieve her of her funk, and tell her she’s unfairly had the deck stacked against her and we wanted to help her. It somewhat worked…”

Henriette: “No… Rioichi would want me to fight back myself… but how when I got nothing…”

Sly: “I then told her of our gang’s work of going through time, helping out our ancestors who were cheated, including Rioichi.”

Henriette: “Mmm… alright… you’ll be my crew, but I get to defeat that damn Captain Whisker!”

Sly: “None of Sonic’s friends objected and it was set. We would help my ancestor become a great pirate. Sounds like fun if you asked me.”

-----

Bentley: “From what I understand from Sonic and his friends, Captain Whisker is not a badnik to mess around. He’s probably gonna come back and finish the job so we are going to have to get moving on out of here. To do that, we have to build a ship. We know how to, but someone is going to have to gather the materials.”

Marine: “Oooh! Me! I can help find the materials! Sonic and I did it before!”

Sonic: “Heh, shouldn’t be much different to what we did in the Sol Dimension.”

Bentley: “Alright, since we don’t want Captain Whisker to get too much of an upper hand than he already as, we better canvas the bars and examine the info Whisker’s pirate crew have here.”

Rouge: “Leave that to me, I can bleed them dry of that.”

Murray: “Aw! I wanted to rough up some pirates!”

Rouge: “Mm, I guess I may need a distraction or a hand if things go south. Alright Murray, you’re with me.”

Murray: “YES!”

Henriette butts in suddenly. “HEY! What about poor ol’ me?! I wanna look for treasure! I can’t be a pirate if I don’t do pirate stuff!”

Bentley: “But I don’t got-”

Sly: “Uh, don’t worry about that, Bentley. I’ll help her with that. Besides, I’ve always wanted to embrace the pirate life.”

Henriette: “See, he gets it! Hooray!”

Bentley: “Right… well, we better get going!”

-----

Lemon ’Aided’ Information

Enter the first bar and take recon photos of the information there.

Enter the second bar and steal the information.

Fight the pirates of the 3rd bar and gain the last bit of information.

Rouge: “Alright, Murray, ready to become a distraction?”

Murray: “Always ready!”

Bentley: “Just do anything you can to drag their attention away from the information we need and get as much as you can.”

Rouge: “As an agent, that’ll be easy. And Murray should make it quite interesting.”

*The player enters the bar and finds a lemonade drinking contest going on.*

Murray: “Oh! You go to the rafters and take recon of the maps they have here! I’ll join the contest to distract them.”

Rouge: “Smart hippo. Alright then.” *She climbs onto the rafters.*

*First, the player controls Murray as they press buttons to drink up as many mugs of lemonade as they can. The more drunk will bring more of the pirates. Break the record, and all the pirates will be called away so the player can then control Rouge and take pictures of the 4 sea charts.*

*Once that’s done…*

Murray burps strongly, knocking out all the pirates. “Oop, excuse me.”

Rouge comes down from the rafters. “Heh, any escape would do. Come on, 2 more bars to go.”

*The player makes their way to the next bar.*

*They enter the bar and this time, the attention of the pirates immediately turn to Rouge.*

Pirate 1: *Wolf whistles* “Look, salty lads! A beautiful siren!”

Pirate 2: “I’ve never seen a lady dress so scantily, she must be a siren!”

Pirate 3: “I wouldn’t mind a piece of that booty, er, I mean, treasured lass!”

Rouge: “Oh? Such praise from the boys.”

Murray: “Reminds me of the time I was a geisha for a mission.”

Rouge: “What? A geisha? I- Never mind, this isn’t the time. I’ll distract them and you grab the blueprints around here.”

Murray: “Got it.” *He finds a corner to hide at.*

Rouge: “Right, Rouge, better turn on the charm. Heh, this is gonna be fun.”

*The player controls Rouge as she does a mini game similar to, er THAT, infamous minigame from Sly 4, but in a more tasteful manner (to her skills of course. :) ). Doing well will quickly drag the pirates away from the tables and to her. Getting all the pirates attention will bring control over to Murray as the player steals the 3 blueprints of Captain Whisker’s ship.*

*Once done…*

Rouge: “Alright boys, show’s over.” *She pulls out some grenade like device and drops it. It opens and releases a gas that knocks out all the pirates.*

Murray: “Wow! You really knocked them out!”

Rouge: “Heh, sometimes a man is better asleep. Come on, let’s go.”

*They leave and the player heads to the third bar.*

*They enter the 3rd bar and find some irate pirates.*

Rouge: “Hmm… drunk pirates…”

Murray: “How do we get by them?”

*One of the pirates notice them.*

Pirate 1: “Heeeeeey! It’s those landllllllluuubers that Cap- *Hic* -tain Whisker told us about!”

Pirate 2: “Let’s geeeet them, then Captain *Hic* Whisker will promote us!” *The pirates drunkenly get up.*

Rouge: “Oh? A bar fight, huh?”

Murray: “Heh, prepare to lose to ‘The Murray’!”

Rouge: “Hey, save some for my kicks!”

*The player controls the duo as they fight off 30 drunken pirates.*

*Once all are defeated*

Murray: “Once again, ‘The Murray’ proves triumphant!”

Rouge: “Now boys, will you kindly tell us where Captain Whisker is, or do we need to give you a worse thing than a hangover.”

Pirate 1: “Argh, no lass… please don’t… he’s outside of the harbor… waiting for you guys…” *He, and the other pirates, fall asleep.*

Rouge: “Hmm, seems we are in more trouble than we think.”

Murray: “Let’s hurry back to Bentley. He’s gonna have to hear this.”

JOB COMPLETE

-----

Material Goods

Knock down trees and return them to the safehouse for wood.

Steal some cannons from some ships.

Steal some rope and sails.

Bentley: “Alright, I need you guys to bring stuff that we will need to build a boat big enough to fit most of us.”

Sonic: “Well, we need a lot of wood, and I bet the trees in the forest would be useful.”

Marine: “Ooh! Cannons! Boom! We can steal from the pirates for some at the pier!”

Sonic: “Guess that just leaves sails and rope, and that should be easy to find in a town like this.”

Bentley: “Excellent! You guys know your ship building! Normally I have to goad Sly and Murray exactly 100 times to look.”

Sonic: “Well, we did it in the Sol Dimension and can do it again.”

*The player takes control of Marine and Sonic as they first head on off to the jungle.*

*Once there, the player has Sonic use his homing attacks to snap the trees at the base and make them fall over (Watch out for being crushed. :P ). Once that’s done, then it’s a simple task of pushing/rolling the trees to the Safe House. Do this for ten big trees to move on to the next task.*

*The player then heads off to the pier to rob the ships of some cannons. After fighting off the pirates guarding them, Marine must hit a target switch on the side of the cannor to flip the cannon over, so as to not damage the front end. Then it’s just a matter of pushing the cannons to the safehouse. Steal 12 of them to move on.*

*Finally, the player just has to search through town, on the hunt for free rope and sails for the ship. Finding enough will end the mission.*

JOB COMPLETE

-----

Pirating an Island

Pirate 2000 coins from the pirates and the island.

Sly: “Alright, Henriette, what would you like to do?”

Henriette: “I want to plunder treasure from the loser landlubbers on this island! I need to get back in the pirate groove!”

Sly: “Sounds like fun. How much should we steal to make you feel better?”

Henriette thinks for a second. “2000 coins! I want my booty!”

Sly: “Heh he, booty.”

Carmelita (In voice): “Don’t even think about it, Ringtail… not now…”

*The player takes control of Sly and Henriette as they plunder the town of its riches. Other than for the obvious coinage bouncing all over the place, Henriette also has ‘Pirate Sense’, which makes coins she steals from guards worth twice as much, and also raising the chances of getting treasures (also doubled) from guards.*

*Once 500 coins are collected*

Henriette: “Ah, how I missed the sparkle these coins make in the light.”

*Once 1000 coins are collected*

Henriette: “Just holding these bags of coins makes my spirits lift!”

*Once 1500 coins are collected.*

Henriette: “Oh? Almost there!”

*Once 2000 coins are collected, the mission is complete.*

JOB COMPLETE

-----

Bentley: “Alright, I got some good news and bad news. Good news is the ship building is going by quickly, thanks to Tails, Marine, myself and the pirates we bribed thanks to the treasure Sly and Henriette found. Bad news is that the other pirates of Captain Whisker have heard about what we are doing, and planning to sabotage us.”

Sly: “I’m guessing you want us to help out build and protect the ship?”

Bentley: “Correct. Carmelita, you and Amy will stay on deck to protect the mast and cannons and Murray, you and Knuckles will stay on the pier and thin out the ranks for Carmelita and Amy.”

Murray: “ ‘The Murray’ will beat the sense into the pirates.”

Knuckles: “Hey, save some for my own fists!”

Carmelita: “We’ll do our best to keep the ship safe.”

Amy: “They better not mess with us!”

Bentley: However, as cruel and hypocritical it may be, we’ll also have to destroy the other ships while defending our own. We can’t risk letting these guys chase after us once we hit open seas and take us down with their experience and numbers. For this job, I’m gonna have Panda King and Blaze team up once again to put their combined firepower to very good use.

Panda King: *Chuckles ominously* These ruffians will learn to fear the power of fireworks, and respect its beauty.

Blaze: I’ll certainly enjoy ending the “careers” of the low-lives that are pirates.

Bentley: “Good, then this shouldn’t take long at all.”

Building a Ship

Protect the workshop from pirates.

Destroy the other ships.

*At the ship*

Carmelita: “Hey! Those pirates are trying to attack the building crew!”

Amy: “Let’s stop them before they can hurt them all.”

*The player has Carmelita and Amy fight off the pirates attacking the crew on the ship and some that come their way until Murray and Knuckles arrives.*

*Once Murray and Knuckles arrive, the player takes control of them.*

Murray: “Alright! We’re here!”

Knuckles: “We got this!”

Carmelita: “Hmmm… now that Murray and Knuckles are here, perhaps we should help the crew?”

Amy: “Good plan, we finish that much faster.”

*The player now fights off 10 waves of pirates and badniks, that come at higher numbers and harder defense.*

*Once all the pirates are defeated*

Murray: “No number of pirates can stop us!”

Knuckles: “They’ll think twice about fighting next time.”

*We jump cut to Panda King and Blaze.*

Blaze: “Ready to blast up their ships?”

Panda King: “The pirates will be in awe of their destructive beauty.”

*The player takes control of them and uses Panda King’s fireworks and Blazes fire to supercharge the fireworks and blow the ships to pieces. Destroy all 10 ships to move on.*

Blaze: “That’s all the ships sunk!”

Panda King: “Perhaps we should return to the ship and help them finish now.”

*Jump cut ahead an hour to the ship being finished.*

Bentley: “Alright, that’s it, the ship is finished!”

Henriette: “Yar! Now we can set sail! Splice the mainbrace and all that pirate stuff! I want to go now!”

*Upon setting sail*

Marine: Alright, Henri! Normally sailing a ship is bloody hard work that takes countless people to operate, but me, Tails, and Turtle guy managed to make this ship require very simple controls! To steer left and right, just use the L2 and R2 buttons! And when we’re fighting other ships, go up to the cannons facing them and press the Circle button on one of them! All the cannons on that side will fire and the cannonballs will hit the enemy! Be careful though, for the cannons will need to cool down before they can be fired again, those lousy blowhards.

Henriette: I don’t exactly enjoy being taught how to sail a ship by a child, but thanks I guess, kid.

*The player is free to mess around a bit to learn the controls as they leave the bay, when a cutscene starts in the open waters.*

*A ship covered in steel and larger that the player’s comes speeding in and floats close by. A metallic voice pierces the sea air as Captain Whisker comes into view.*

Captain Whisker: “Ah, I see the wee lass who thinks she can be a pirate has procured another ship, and some friends too. *Laughs* How sad.”

Sonic: “Captain Whisker!”

Cap. Whisker: “Hmm, you look familiar. What’s your name again?”

Johnny: I recognize that landlubber! That be Sonic the Hedgehog, and he’s brought that mutant fox, the princess, and that annoying raccoon sailor as well (the other one)!

Cap. Whisker: Oh… OH! Not you again!

Sly: “Why are you attacking my ancestor?!”

Captain Whisker: “Heh, same reason my and my other acquaintances have! Dr. Eggman has a plan involving your ancestor’s canes and displacing their history! I’m simply fulfilling my duty in the place where I’m most at home. I admit, though, I enjoy shattering a young lass’ dream of adventure and sinking her ship ‘n’ crew while making off with her booty!

Some of the guys snicker, unable to contain their inner immaturity.

Henriette: You bleeding, knuckle-dragging, fish belching bag of VOMIT! You killed me crew and downed my ship and it wasn’t even personal?! Oh, once we sink your ship I’m cutting your head off and mounting it in my captain’s quarters of my new ship!

Cap. Whiskers: WELL! Such a vulgar threat from such a young lass! Very well! Let’s fight right here, right now! You beat me, you get me head! But I get yours if I be the victor…

*The player is sent into a battler against Captain Whisker, controlling Sly and Henriette, and they do their best to keep the ship afloat and fire cannonballs at Whisker’s ship. But it is mostly a losing battle as his cannons can damage your ship more severely than yours can to his (they just bounce off.) Once the ships is near to sinking, another cutscene plays.

Bentley: “Uh, guys, we need to get away! One more cannonball from him and we’re sunk!”

Marine: “Oh! I got an idea, mate! Silver, can you help me?”

Silver: “Sure, what can I do?”

Marine: “I’ll focus on making a wave with my hydrokinesis, you lift it up higher so we can be swept far away!”

Silver: “Got it!”

*Marine focuses on the water between the ships and starts to make it lift up in a hill like shape. Silver helps her lift it high enough to reach the masts of the ship.*

Captain Whisker: “A wave? How is that gonna stop me?”

Marine: “Drop it, hard!”

*They drop it together, which creates a huge wave that pushes the ships far away from each other, the heroes ship going really far away.*

Captain Whisker: “Argh… lost them..., aw well. The sea will get them sooner or later. TIme to return home…” *The ship speeds away*

JOB COMPLETE

-----

Bentley: “Alright, we are in deep trouble here. At our current ship strength, we have no chance at even damaging Captain Whisker’s ship. We need to find tech to make our ship stronger in all ways! Luckily though, it seems I have stumbled upon weak computer signals scattered across the sea. Since this is the past, it can only mean they belong to Captain Whisker. We better find out what they are and take them for ourselves.”

Sly: “Do you think we can do something for Henrietta too? She’s looking really sad right now.”

Bentley: “I guess we could go find treasure, but I’m not sure where to begin.”

Sly: “Seems obvious that we should just steal Captain Whisker’s treasure. Jerk deserves it for messing with her.”

Bentley: “Agreed, but we’re gonna have to find where it is first. We’re probably gonna have to keep an eye out for docked ships on islands.”

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Shanghaied!

Engage in pirate ship battles and rob the ships of their tech.

Bentley: “Five bogies off the forward bow, and since there’s a signal, it has to be Whisker’s ships!”

Sly: “Looks like they’re pretty weak, so we could take them on… wait… it looks like they have some technology on board.”

Bentley: “We might be able to use them! Don’t sink the ships, guys, just incapacitate them!”

Henriette: “That means shanghaiing them! I’m pumped! Let’s go!”

*The player is entered into a sea battle, like in Sly 3. First, you must incapacitate the ships of their cannons and mast, so they are sitting ducks. Then, Henriette and Marine will travel aboard each vessel and defeat the captains of the ship so the rest of the gang can steal the tech. Do this to all 5 ships to complete the mission.*

JOB COMPLETE

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Where’s The Kaboom?

Gather the 5 mines floating around the sea.

Bentley: “Hmmm, mines… clearly from Whisker…”

Marine: “Should we destroy them?”

Bentley: “Perhaps… but I think I got a better idea.”

Sly: “Ooo, I see that devious grin… I sense hacking and destruction in our future.”

Bentley: “Oh yeah.”

*The player goes through a hacking mini game. Once it’s done.*

Bentley: “Aha! I deactivated the mine! Now we can dive underwater and grab it!”

Dimitri: “Did someone say diving! Greasy sweet, bro!”

Vector: “Why grab it?”

Bentley: “If you guys attach them below the ship, we can use them like, well, mines, and blast Captain Whisker in surprise!”

Dimitri: “The danger, I love it!”

Henriette: “Is it alright if I join them? I can swim.”

Bentley: “Well, if you can stay safe while doing it, I won’t stop you.”

*The player then goes swimming into the sea below the boat with the trio, in search of the mine’s anchor point.*

*Once it’s found.*

Vector: “Who should grab it.”

Henriette immediately volunteers before Dimitri can and grabs the anchor.

Vector: “Strong minded lady… and strong. :P “

Dimitri: “Best not mess with her, bro! Come on, let’s hurry and protect her for the return trip.”

*The player returns to the surface, and a cutscene plays of them attaching the mine. They jump back on the ship to see Bentley*

Bentley: “Alright guys, good job! I scanned the sea, and found 4 more mines floating about. Let’s go acquire those as well.”

*The player does this 4 more times to complete the mission.*

*Once completed*

Bentley: “Alright, that should be enough. Heh, Captain Whisker is going to be surprised, for sure.”

JOB COMPLETE

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You Are A Pirate

Rob 1000 coins and steal the map piece from the first island.

Rob 1000 coins and steal the map piece from the 2nd island.

Rob 1000 coins and steal the map piece from the 3rd island.

Rob 1000 coins and steal the map piece from the 4th island.

Sly: “Whisker ship spotted off the port bow, on land.”

Bentley: “Hmm… they possibly are stealing treasure on the island.”

Henriette: “Hey! Pirate speak! We call it BOOTY!”

*Sly and the other immatures giggle.*

Bentley: “Fine. Why don’t you take Sly, Sonic, Charmy, and Murray along and find 1000 coins worth of ‘booty’ so you can drag the captain of the ship out? Surely, they might carry a map to where they stash all their ‘booty’.”

Henriette: “Finally! Now you’re talking my language! Come on, Charmy, you first!”

*The player has them go around the first island in search of 1000 coins. Again, some are scattered on the ground, but also in the air, which Charmy can grab. And as usual, robbing pirates always works.*

*Once 1000 coins are collected, a cutscene shows of the Captain leaving the ship. That is your cue to then go after the Captain and steal his part of the map.*

*Once that’s done.*

Henriette: “Got it! A map piece!”

Bentley: “Hmm, bring it back and I’ll study it as you bring more.”

*The player then heads off to 3 other islands marked by waypoints and robs the island of 1000 treasure and the map piece of the Captain. Once all pieces of the map have been collected*

Henriette: Thank you so much you guys! I feel like a true pirate again! And with the map now fixed, we’ll be on our way to get big booty!

*All the partners snicker at that last comment*

Henriette: You know, maybe we should start calling booty something else, cause this is ridiculous.

*JOB COMPLETE*

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Treasure Island

Follow the pirate map clues to find the treasure.

Bentley: “Eureka! I’ve found out where they’ve hidden their treasures, or at least the island. It has to be this one!” *A waypoint appears*

Henriette: “Well, what are we waiting for?! Sail away!”

*Once on the island*

Bentley: “Alright… it seems Captain Whisker left clues on where to find the treasure, so you’re gonna have to read them and follow them.”

Henriette: “Yar! Pacing away! Sly! With me!”

*The player has them head on to the island and follow the clues written on the pirate map that leads them all around the island, and to the treasure.*

*Once they find the end destination.*

Sly: “Hmm… it ends at this mysterious wall…”

Henriette rubs her hands on the wall for a switch “Obviously a hidden cave, just gotta find the- AHA!” *She finds the switch and a cave entrance is revealed.*

Sly: “Ladies first.”

*They both head down. Below, they find piles of treasure going for a while*

Henriette: “It… it’s a pirate’s dream!”

Sly: “Makes Kaine Island look empty by comparison.”

Henriette looks and notices something. “Oh? Is that? …” *She jumps into the piles and swims for a bit until returning with something in her mouth.* “My canes! Oh! How I missed them!”

Sly: “Well, no need to worry about your honor now. Let me call the crew and we will load the ship.”

Henriette: “Yeah… Oh!”

Sly: “Yeah?”

Henriette: “I think I remember where Captain Whisker and his men are.”

Sly: “That’s great! Where?”

Henriette: “Johnny, that weird green robot shark thing, was gloating about beating us up, and said something about how I’d never find them hiding on an island with a big skull rock on it.”

Sly: “Sounds like we have to pay them a visit.”

Henriette: “Gonna teach them a lesson about messing with Coopers, we are.”

JOB COMPLETE

-----

Bentley: “Alright, I think we are ready to take on Captain Whisker with Operation: Battle Out On the Yargh- wait, who wrote this? That’s a terrible…”

*Stifled giggling is heard*

Bentley: “B… o… o… SLY!”

*Sly and the other immatures laugh, and even some of the non-immature ones for still continuing the joke and getting Bentley good.*

Bentley: “You’ve lost Operation naming, pal! Now, if we’re done being little children, we have to take on Captain Whisker. Getting anywhere close to the island is obviously going to provoke a response from his ship, and he’s gonna want to settle the score. But this time, we’re ready. We’re gonna drop the mines so his ship runs aground on them and explode the armor off, then it’s just a matter of blasting the ship with the cannons.”

Tails: “Destroying their ship is probably going to evoke Johnny to fight us, so we better be ready to fight him. Then it’s just a matter of defeating Whisker.”

Bentley: “We got our work cut out for us, but we should be able to succeed.”

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Operation “Battle Out On The Yargh”

Take down Captain Whisker’s Ship

Defeat Johnny

Look for Captain Whisker and defeat him.

*Once the pirate ship is close enough to the island, a cutscene plays of Captain Whisker’s ship coming towards them.*

Bentley: “Full reverse, guys!”

*They turn their ship around and attempt to sail away from Captain Whisker’s ship, which is hot on their tail.*

Bentley: “That’s it… follow us… NOW!!!”

*Their ship gains a burst of speed, which lets them release the mines behind them. Whisker’s ship runs over them all, breaking off the metal armor and flipping the ship in the air 360 degrees.*

Bentley: “Attack them! We can incapacitate them while they’re dazed!”

Henriette: “Finally! Some revenge!”

*The player enters a sea battle with Captain Whisker’s ship. It may be slowed down, but it is still dangerous with its strong cannons. Best to attack their ship from the distance a bit. 5 full range cannon shots (About 30 cannonballs) will break the mast off Captain Whisker’s ship.*

*Once the mast breaks, Henriette and Marine raid their ship, only to find Johnny on the helm.*

Johnny: “Argh, so it be you two lasses that’ll exchange blows with me, huh?”

Henriette: “Don’t let our size fool you, you annoying tin can!”

Marine: “We can beat you!”

Johnny: “I’d love to see you lasses try! YAR!” *He takes to the air and zips around*

Henriette: “He’s a feisty one!”

Marine: “I got this, let me slow him down.”

*The player heads into a fight against Johnny the Pirate. In order to defeat him, Marine must first hit Johnny with her hydrokinetic water balls. Hitting him enough times will cause his propellor to fail and he’ll crash onto the deck. Once grounded, Johnny can only swing his small sword at you. This is then the perfect time to have Henriette wail away with her canes. Once enough damage is done, he’ll return to the air again to repeat the process. Do this 3 more times to defeat Johnny.*

*Once defeated, the other board and tie him up so he can’t escape. But they find the ship missing Captain Whisker.*

Sonic: “Hmm… where is Captain Whisker?”

Johnny: “Bah! You’ll never find him! NEVER! I was made for distraction!”

Henriette: “Quiet, prisoner!” *She smacks Johnny.*

Sonic: “Sounds like he might be back at ‘skull’ island?”

Sly: “All we can do is check.”

*The player is sent to ‘Skull’ Island with Sly and Blaze and go on the hunt for Captain Whisker. Like on Treasure Island, the player follows clues to find him, though his are much more dangerous to follow.*

*If you survive, the player ends up in front of a cave that they all enter. Down below…*

Sly: “Wow… it’s dark down here.”

Henriette: “Did anyone bring a light?”

Blaze: “Hang on…”

*She uses her pyrokinesis to light up the cave… to reveal dangerous stacks of TNT right next to where Blaze is standing.*

Blaze: “Uh-oh…”

Henriette: “Move, lass!” *She tackles Blaze away before the TNT explodes, causing a cave in that separates them and the rest of the gang, who are safe.*

Sly: “You guys alright?!”

Blaze: “Yeah! You guys?!”

Murray: “Yeah! We’re safe, but we’ll need to break you guys out!”

Captain Whisker lights the torches in the cave with his flamethrower. “Damn… didn’t do as I hoped, but at least I get to settle the score, with both ye lasses!”

Henriette: “WHOA!”

Blaze: “Captain Whisker!”

Captain Whisker: “No more talk! We battle for the others’ head now! Be prepared to go to Davy Jones Locker, lasses!”

*The player fights against Captain Whisker in the cramped cave space. Besides his flamethrower he showed earlier, he also can attack by launching his fists at you and creating shockwaves which rain rocks from the ceiling. You may think the cramped space is a curse, but it’s quite a blessing because he can sometimes knock himself out with the rocks falling from the ceiling or lose his fist in the rock walls, giving you time to attack him as he recovers. Just keep on your toes and Captain Whisker will easily go down.*

*Once defeated, Captain Whisker collapses in a heap.*

Captain Whisker: “Argh… defeated by the pirate and princess lasses... How honorable…”

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Outro Cutscene:

Sly: “It felt great to help Henriette and get her on the way to success. It took a little convincing to make Henriette not take the robots’ heads, but we able to take Captain Whisker and Johnny and return them to Sonic’s world and be handled with over there. Afterwards, we decided to honor Henriette with the ship and plenty of rounds of drinks at the bars at port. Heh, Henriette and Murray got into a lemonade drinking contest and it was pretty close with them drinking 100 glasses each, but Murray succeeded… and immediately burped and shot them into the walls. How fun that was, heh. I wonder what ancestor we’re gonna help next?”

Next Time: It’s time to get ready for war in WWI Germany.

#Isakthedragon's fanfiction #Super Sonic Thieves #SST #Super Sonic Thieves: Chapter 4 #SST: Chapter 4 #Thank you Kaotic for helping me here with Henriette.#I wonder if people like our Henriette.#And all the pirate stuff

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