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shewantedtobeasecretgirl · 6 years

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6. This means war a. k. a. a butcher knife, an interrogation and a battlefield (Part One)

After taking a deep breath I enter Eric’s room. Glancing around I realize it’s not as big as I thought. We assigned him to the host of the party since due to an administration failure he’s been accommodated in the honeymoon suite, which led to a hilarious competition among the guys for the role of the new wife. But standing in this so-called honeymoon suite the differences I see in comparison to our double room are only the enormous double bed and the corner sofa. The latter is occupied by Jeff, Eddie, Beth and Karrie who arrived probably just a few minutes earlier than me, she left when I was drying my hair.

“Judy, finally, we were waiting only for you!” Eric exclaims as he spots me.

“Man, I’m disappointed. No candles, no rose petals on the bed?” I complain.

“Actually, you’ve just missed the rose petals. Smitty ate all of them a few seconds ago.”

“That’f nod drue, he’f lyimm! Don’t believe him, Miftreff Judy!” I hear Smitty who joins Eric’s joke miming chewing and swallowing hard. He’s sitting with Mike and Brett on the carpet in the other corner of the room. They’re playing a game which is unknown for me and seems to be a bizarre combination of beer pong, strip poker and building house of cards.

“Hey Jude!” Mike hails cheerfully singing the first notes of the classic Beatles song.

“They say it’s your birthday!” I shout back responding with another song of the same band.

“Uh, can I call you Jude? I know, I know, it’s a male name, but I’ve always wanted a friend who I can greet by singing a famous line!”

“Of course, I’m honored. But why me? I mean, you have a bandmate called Stone, so… “ I point at the referred person who sprawls out in the armchair between the bed and the huge window that serves as the fourth wall of the room. As usual, he’s holding his acoustic guitar on his lap and sips his beer time and again. Noticing I’m talking about him he sends the lovely look of an axe murderer to me.

“Nevermind…” I wave resigned. “Dave, Scully?” I turn around searching for the missing members of the team.

“In the bathroom” Mike points with one thumb behind his back, straight at a door opening to the room in question and after twinkling for a few seconds I spot two figures sitting in the bathtub in the darkness.

“Hi guys, why are you hiding?” I peek in.

“Just a second Judy, we’re busy.” Dave answers closing a small, transparent plastic bag and searching for something in his pocket. I hear a quiet clicking and as the tiny flame of his lighter rises to his chin I realize what’s going on. The orange light of the joint wanders towards Scully and a few seconds later I see it approaching me.

“Uhm, no thanks, I‘d rather… I’d rather have a beer.”

“As you want, no pressure. But since you go back in the room would you take the role of the mailwoman?” Before I could answer Scully raises my right hand and puts the glowing joint between my thumb and my index finger.

“Oh… okay… and who’s the addressee?” God, I hope they can’t see how hard my hands are trembling. Shit… l could be arrested for this…

“We share everything so it can be anyone… even if you would change your mind on your way back.” Dave snickers.

“Ooookaaay…” I start walking back slowly in the room. I hope I don’t get high with that shit while inhaling its smoke… Maybe I shouldn’t breathe until I get rid of it… “Hi folks… I have a spare joint… Does anyone need it?”

“Mike, you’re cheating!”

“No, I’m not!”

“Yes, you are… Smitty dropped the queen of spades so now you have to take off one of your socks!”

“But I hit the glass with my ball!” Mike argues.

“But it touched the edge of it; that costs one sock.” Brett insists. Okay, these are too obsessed with their insane game... I wave with the joint towards the couch group but they all shake their heads, Eric disappeared somewhere while I was in the bathroom so there’s no one left except him.

“Hahaha, guys, I can confirm that Mike can hit anything with his balls but could we skip the sock part? We’re not prepared for chemical weapons.” Stone giggles in that annoying nasal voice which drives me crazy every single time I hear it. And he giggles at his own joke, as always.

“Stone, do you wanna get high? Or could you just take this, I don’t care what you’re going to do with it…”

“Am I your last hope? Well, after all, someone has to do it…” he grins reaching out his arm for the joint. I should have known, this fuckin’ hippie… “Oh, wait! What does the Bible say about getting high?” he asks with pretended concern.

“It doesn’t matter; you’ve already deserved fire and brimstone.” I shrug and try to hide the satisfaction I feel seeing his surprised expression.

“Wait, are you trying to joke with me? Sorry, but I’m not high enough to appreciate your efforts yet.”

“And I could never get high enough to bear you for more than three seconds, so bye…” I wave to him and turn back to join the others, giving myself a mental pat on the back for making him speechless for a few seconds. I’m still in readiness to stay prepared in case his retort hits me with a little longer delay than usual but the scene doesn’t go on since Eric arrived back in the room in the meantime, lifting the cake box over his head with a loud whistle.

“Nobody’s going to take off any socks or get high before the most important event of this party.” he begins his speech. “We are here to celebrate two people.” What, two? “On one hand, our badass lead guitarist…”

“Who has the body of a Greek god…” Dave cuts him off as he and Scully show up in the room in the meantime.

“Yes, Michael David McCready, the Greek guitar god turned twenty-six today so we’re going to consume this awesome cake with him, yes, I said “consume”, it’s full of alcohol, we’re not going to play cake throw this time. But we forgot to buy candles so you’re not entitled to make wishes.” Eric places the cake onto the table right in front of Mike who seems puzzled and excited at the same time.

“And on the other hand, we’ve had a new member in the team for a few days, a diligent road intern who deserves her own cake as well…” Eric nods towards Karrie who puts a small cupcake in my hands and quickly begins to distribute paper plates and plastic forks which were probably hidden behind a pillow until now.

“It’s a coffee cream cake, as far as we know you’re addicted to coffee…” Eric explains. He must have asked Karrie, her mysterious smile reveals that she was involved in the surprise.

“That’s right… I… I didn’t think that… I… thanks…” I have to fight for every single word since I wasn’t prepared for getting in the middle of the events. And I hate being in the middle of the events.

“They should have bought rather a grammar textbook for you…” Stone’s caustic remark brings me back from the shock in the present but I decide to push Mike into the limelight again instead of starting a battle of words with Stone again.

“Mike, you should slice the cake and make wishes while doing it. Could you get a knife?” I ask Eric who pulls out a terrifying cleaver from behind his back.

“The birthday party resulted in a cruel slaughter. The victims are the members of the Seattle-based rock band Pearl Jam, the other corpses haven’t been identified yet…” I try to impersonate police spokeswomen, which makes Beth laugh out loud probably because it reminded her of our very first conversation in Cleveland.

“Hey, this is all they could find in the kitchen. Mike?” Eric wants to hand him the frightening tool but he protests keeping his hands behind his back.

“Uh, I’m very clumsy with kitchen tools, uhm, Jude… would you take over the task? I’d do the wishing part in the meantime.” he begs with his eyes, which makes me sigh and accept the object of his fear from Eric.

“Wow, that butcher knife looks good in your hands!” Jeff laughs nudging Eddie who’s also chuckling quietly.

“Okay, who wants to be the first?” I glance around with a devilish grin stroking all over the blade cautiously with my index finger and enjoy the perplexed faces for a few seconds before I go on. “I mean, the first to eat a slice of cake…” I add angelically.

“I’ve suspected since our conversation that you’re not that innocent schoolgirl you look like but that’s high above my expectations.” Eric shakes his head smiling.

“Which conversation?” Mike inquires curiously.

“There wasn’t any conversation. Eat, private McCready!” I command placing the first slice onto his paper plate.

“Yes ma’am!” he yells. “Who would dare protest while she’s holding that lethal weapon?” he mutters in front of himself.

I serve everyone with cake consistently ignoring Stone who puts his plate in front of me again and again thinking he’ll be the next one to be offered.

“I thought you forgot about me.” he remarks as he finally receives the last slice. “A typical example for an abuse even of the tiniest hint of power.”

“You embarrass me with your exaggerated kindness all the time, how could I forget about you?” I bite back faking a smile before licking the rest of the chocolate cream carefully from the blade. Glancing up I can see a shocked Stone turning away with his prey to plop down into the armchair again.

Since Mike finished his cake in the meantime I settle next to him using the occasion that everyone else is busy with eating; I don’t want to be bothered by anyone’s idiotic jokes.

“Hey, birthday guy, I don’t know what the customs are here but I have something for you.”

“For me? You shouldn’t have… we don’t really give presents to each other so…”

“Not a Fender Stratocaster… or actually it’s almost that…” I put the little, electric guitar-shaped bottle opener I bought at the shop of one of the gas stations we stopped at onto his palm. “Uhm… it seemed like a good idea but now it’s rather embarrassing, as if I thought you’re the maniac lead guitarist dude who gets fucked up all the time but…”

“Hahaha, stop that, I like it, it looks cool! And your description was hundred percent accurate. But I think I won’t use it for its original function, it matches my necklace as a medallion, what do you think?” his face lights up while he’s examining it taking a closer look at it. “Thanks, Jude!” he pulls me into a light hug and for some unknown reason I forget to protest and even reciprocate the hug instead of that. “Anyway, I can open beer bottles with anything, anyway…”

“That’s true, once I saw him using a cat for that purpose.” Dave confirms the statement with the typical, dumb grin of stoned people.

“A cat? How…” I want to know more about the story but Eddie’s warm baritone emerges from the monotone, incomprehensible mass of parallel conversations as he starts talking into his fist using it as a makeshift microphone.

“This is a service announcement. Judy Camden is awaited at the customer service department. I repeat: Judy Ca…”

“I’m coming, I’m coming. But I won’t leave you alone until you tell me that cat story.” I pat Mike’s shoulder and I while I’m heading to the couch I can’t help playing Eddie’s voice in my head again and again. How does he do that? He didn’t even need to shout and still, everyone fell silent for a second. And how can Beth manage not to die every single time he talks to her? What a gift, my goodness…

***

Since I share one side of the couch with Beth and Karrie, Judy’s only option is to sit down next to Jeff who obviously doesn’t object to her decision. He pulls away to offer her the place between him and the big pillow in the corner, carefully measuring the inches to give her exactly as much space as she needs without leaving any unnecessary distance between them. I catch a faint flush on her face when she realizes due to a side glance that Jeff’s arm keeps resting on the backrest behind her.

“We decided to hijack you since we haven’t had a normal conversation since you got here yet.” Beth begins playing with my fingers in her lap. I love these involuntary moves of her, her touch makes me feel like home but it’s like electricity at the same time even after all those many years we’ve spent together.

“Yeah, that’s the official version but our main purpose is to run some… uhm… background check… you’ve barely told anything about yourself and we… we failed to interrogate Karrie, she’s the discretion itself on two legs.”

“My lips are sealed.” she shrugs smiling.

“Yes, and unlike you we want to pry into your privacy.” Jeff confirms with a shameless smile leaning his head against his palm, still keeping his elbow behind Judy.

“Uhm… and what do you want to know? I didn’t know I needed a national security clearance to join the team… uh, all I have to confess is that I touched a joint like ten minutes ago, does that count?”

“Hahaha, I think our bureau of investigation has a different profile… seriously speaking… how do you feel after the first days? As far as we know, uhm… you came from a… a quite different scene…”

“Are you trying to refer to the fact that the police have already had an assigned parking place at the school I worked at due to their regular visits? Yes, being a ghetto teacher is something different.” she responds fidgeting with the string of her dress.

“He was trying to refer to your classical musical qualification.” Beth explains raising her voice a bit as Stone started strumming random chords on his guitar ignoring the fact that apart from him everybody is chatting in smaller groups.

“You mean classical musicians are considered serious while rock musicians are hilarious and reliably unreliable?”

“Uhm… I don’t know how I meant it… did I mean it that way?” I look at Beth for help, damn, women are so much better at directing conversations in a tricky way.

“Kinda.” she rolls her eyes and squeezes my hand slightly.

“That’s a huge mistake. I was forced by my music teacher to play in the wind orchestra of the high school… we toured several times, you can imagine how it feels to spend basically days in a bus with forty teenage guys who are struggling with the hormonal explosion of adolescence…”

“Gosh, poor teenage Judy, judging from my experiences with basketball teams it must have been rude…” Jeff strokes her forearm playfully, which makes her move one inch towards the corner.

“Ahah, yes… I’m still unbeatable at endless citing of dirty jokes flavored with poop and pee humor.” she frowns.

“And were you the only girl in the band? I’ve never understood the cause of that massive majority of male wind players…” Yes, that’s my feminist girl.

“No, I wasn’t… there were about four or five girls in the orchestra apart from me but… ahem, their musical skills played only a secondary role behind their… ahem… primary function in the band… Let’s say they didn’t use their oral skills only for musical purposes.” she ends the sentence staring her hands on her lap embarrassed.

“Ah, band bitches?” Beth chuckles.

“So to say. And as the guys figured out I was really there for playing music, they lost interest in me. Not that they had had much interest in me before that… And the girls didn’t want to socialize with me either, regarding I wasn’t really animated when they tried to share their stories about the skills of the guys with me.”

“NUHUN!!!” we get interrupted by Stone’s loud fake sneeze which he uses to express his opinion about Judy’s attitude. I can’t believe this guy, I knew he was eavesdropping even if he pretends to be busy with searching for new riffs. Beth sends me a perplexed look questioning ‘Is he serious?’; yes, babe, he is…

“So was attending the classes at school a relief in comparison to the band tours?” Beth tries to lure Judy back in the conversation seeing she’s probably planning how to kill Stone as cruelly as possible, or at least that’s what I can read from her face.

“Uhm, not really, if you’re labeled as the nerdy, valedictorian girl who spends all of her spare time with classical music and was elected for the president of Resting Bitch Face Society three times in a row, nobody cares who you really are… except from that two or three friends I had from my class. Probably you’ve already realized that I’m not that party girl type…”

“Catholic girls with a tiny little mustache…” Stone starts playing and singing Frank Zappa’s song. What a coincidence. Hearing Stone’s performance Judy furrows her eyebrows hard; she must have dropped the plan about pushing Stone in front of a train and now she’d rather spill hydrochloric acid on him.

“Don’t believe her, she seems shy but had quite crazy adventures with her sister…” Karrie nudges Beth with one elbow nodding towards Judy; our female road has already gained enough experiences with Stone to know that ignorance is the best thing you can do in these situations.

“Oh, yes… the riot girl.” she smiles in front of herself probably recalling some of the mentioned adventures.

“Younger or older?” I ask.

“Two years younger.”

“And didn’t you fight a lot? My younger brothers were yelling with each other all the time, I started listening to my vinyl records using a headphone partly because of them.”

“Actually we’ve always been pretty good sisters. She’s a ray of sunshine so she compensated my distant relation to the pushy old relatives… of course later she freaked them out with her rebellious ideas and it was me who saved her ass after her pranks.”

“Rebellious ideas? Like climbing through the window, crawling down on the gutter and going to parties despite the parental prohibition?” Jeff takes over the role of the interrogator. He should blink sometimes before his gaze burns a hole into Judy’s skull… In the meantime, Stone starts tuning the strings, one after another, driving me crazy enough to ask him to stop.

“Stone, could you do that later? We’re trying to talk.”

“Yes, all of those classic teenage stories. But she began to shock people earlier… little schoolgirls usually like wearing nice dresses and shoes at school events but guess who was the only girl who was dressed up as a Kiss member at the Halloween dance of 1978…” Judy goes on while Stone keeps torturing his instrument.

“Did someone mention KISS?” Mike cranes his neck suddenly from behind the table like a curious mongoose but I can barely hear his voice over our cackle.

“Yes, I was talking about my sister, Effie, she’s a fanatic. She decorated the wall around her desk with posters of them and I swear once I saw her praying in front of the picture of Gene Simmons.”

“That’s not so unique, right, Mike?” I laugh at him knowing that the reason of his beginning to play the guitar was his classmate’s lunchbox with a KISS photo.

“Oh, come on, Ed, who would do that kind of things?” Mike shrugs with a reproving eyeroll awkwardly denying his definitely unhealthy infatuation with the band in question.

“But the moment when everybody realized she wouldn’t be the typical cute girl of the family was on next year’s Christmas Eve.”

“That was the year when…when…?” Karrie cuts her off in tears, chocking of laughter; she must already know the end of the story.

“Yes, it was THAT year.” Judy puts accent on the middle of the sentence. “Imagine the family sitting around the Christmas tree. We’re after the dinner; everybody is dressed to the occasion, especially the little Effie. Blonde curls, blue eyes, blue dress, like a little angel. Granny asks her to sing something for the family – I’ve already fulfilled my duties by playing Christmas songs on the piano –, she agrees and stands next to the Christmas tree. What a perfect idyll, right?” Judy glances around with an excited smile checking our reactions. I never thought that this girl was so good at storytelling... Karrie presses her hands squeaking on her mouth not to spoil the probably hilarious ending.

“And?” we all ask impatiently but the annoying sound of guitar strings breaks the tense silence.

“Stone, stop that fucking strumming!” Jeff yells in his direction. “Judy, don’t tease us, we’re all ears!” he adds in a softer voice turning back to Judy.

“Our little Effie starts singing in a crystal clear voice… “God gave rock and roll to you…” “ she thins her voice to imitate the singing style of small girls. Our little company explodes of laughter what leads to Jeff’s almost falling of the couch. He manages to balance himself on the edge of it and uses the turmoil to sit back a little closer to Judy than before.

“And the coup de grace came in her senior year in high school. She was a valedictorian too, winner of several student competition and one day she stood in front of our parents and said: “Mom, Dad, I’m going to travel all around the world as a rock photographer. I’m going to college, but that’s what I really want to do.”

“And what did they say?”

“Well, they both knew if she decided something nobody could stop her so they looked at each other and sighed… and then Dad asked her to introduce him to Mick Jagger in case she would meet him.”

“I love these stories. You must have a wonderful family.” Beth remarks cautiously. Karrie asked us not to mention or ask a few topics which could be painful for her; so we try to act as discrete as possible.

“Yes, they are fantastic and I miss them already a lot. Effie is basically my best friend.”

“They certainly miss you too. It must be difficult to them and your spouse nowadays.” Beth remarks glancing at Jeff. And here we are. It’s pretty obvious that Jeff is interested in her and she’s a nice person, so why not? But Karrie wasn’t sure there wasn’t anything in progress between Judy and someone she maybe hadn’t mentioned to her yet and we didn’t want to quiz her in a too pushy way either. That’s why Beth came up with the idea about questioning her diplomatically as if it was only about friendly curiosity.

“Oh, there’s, there’s no one else except them.” she responds the question that colored her cheeks with a rose flush. And her answer pulled Jeff’s lips in a wide grin as I can see taking a side glance at him. “I’m in celibacy nowadays, hehe…”

“Hey guys, our birthday boy’s got an idea!” Eric interrupts the conversation pointing at Mike.

“Yes, I saw a bar on the next corner, they have pool tables, pinball machines, darts and all… What if we played a few rounds there, huh?”

“Like the Olympic Games of bar sports?”

“Cool!”

“I’ll beat the shit out of you in darts, ‘Cready!”

“Let’s go then!”

“Hey, I haven’t finished my beer yet!”

We immediately agree unanimously on visiting the place Mike suggested. In the cacophony nobody gives a damn about Stone who’s extending his repertoire with the bluesy cover of Like a Virgin.

#do you wanna dance #pearljam #fanfiction #fanfic #pearl jam #pearjamfanfiction #eddie vedder #stone gossard #jeff ament #mike mccready #dave abbruzzese

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