#an autistic guy with a special interest and a lot of emotional damage

[somegilmoreguy]

Neck deep in a Gilmore girls rewatch and working on an essay about the hand-me-down emotional damage of the Gilmore women (Richard is included with the women here, as a treat). Hopefully, I'll finish it this week, and it won't be thirty pages long. I could talk about this fucked up family for hours (affectionate).

#gilmore girls #i am not a psych or in a mental health field #i'm something scarier #an autistic guy with a special interest and a lot of emotional damage #boy dinner tonight is a peeled pear cheezits a brownie an over easy egg with Gilmore Girls in the background

[ofdinosanddais1]

Heartbreak High Season 2 Spoilers

So... lots of shit happened in the finale.

1): I like that they're setting up a redemption for Sasha and Spider. Both have done such horrible things on complete opposite ends of the spectrum but it's nice to see they could have a path to growth.

2): For Spider, I'm hoping to see more of his home life. I am thinking his father abused both him and his mom and his mom had a traumatic response which made her fear men including her own son. I think she pushed him away when she should've helped him because that's her kid and he reacted in his own way. And that does not absolve him of his wrongdoings, it means he has to sort through this shit in order to grow and prevent further harm to others. I would love to see more discussion on that in the third season. I would love for Spider to have a retribution and closure arc not for his own wellbeing (although it's a factor) but because there are boys watching this show who might have experienced things like him who might want to know it's okay to feel emotions and to see the damage that his actions did to show that it's not a healthy thing to do and it hurts a lot of people. I said redemption arc because that's probably what the show is setting up for but I think "redemption" should be left ambiguously like he's trying to be better but his actions have lasting consequences on the people he's hurt and he will always be making up for that. Changing for other people is not about being seen as the good guy but doing your best to prevent further harm. It's a complicated thing to deal with but I think showing that complexity like they have before is so important for kids watching this show.

3): I would fucking adore to see a Sasha redemption arc mostly for my own experience with other people who behaved like her who never learned from their mistakes for treating me differently because I'm autistic. Some of y'all might not want a redemption arc for her but like, I would fucking love to see her apologize and acknowledge what she did wrong and show change. Even if it's hard to do at first because no one will be perfect on the first try. After the lack of a genuine apology from Sia and her actions to the autistic community and how she continues to victimize herself, I just really want an allistic person to apologize and do better and I think the set-up for that in season 3 is PERFECT. Hopefully, there's a way for Quinni to still be school captain with Sasha as her co-captain because I think a message of uplifting people in communities you are not a part of is an EXCELLENT message. Sasha could step back with being the leading voice in this and allow Quinni to be a voice in her life as being autistic. Then this could expand to Sasha stepping back and uplifting other people's voices and learn that activism is about bringing people together and allowing space to share ideas and not trying to call out every single action she thinks is wrong. Overall though, I don't want them back in a relationship. I think the captain/vice-captain friendship could be fucking GREAT.

4): My heart fucking hurts for Cash. During that whole episode where he was on that boat with Chook, I was so fucking scared it was gonna be a jumping out situation but I fucking hope Chook doesn't mess with Cash or Harper anymore. He fucking had a deal and I don't want any redemption for Chook whatsoever. Crime and recidivism reduction is a special interest of mine and I fucking hated that Cash was in that situation to begin with and it's a perfect example of how vulnerable people join gangs. I am so fucking elated that this show is doing a great job of representing crime, recidivism, and police brutality. I'll have to research the prison system in Australia because I wanna see the similarities between Australia and the US's prison system. But YES. NAIL ON HEAD. A lot of teenagers and children join gangs because they are vulnerable whether that be an abusive home life such as Cash being in a group home then in Chook's gang before his grandma brought him to her home. How your family, your friends, your loved ones are all in danger when you are trying to leave a gang. I'm so fucking relieved that hopefully Cash can be free. I don't trust Chook's word though and that stuff always haunts people who often have no choice. I just want him to be safe and loved and cared for. He deserves so much better.

5): Kinda disappointed that Harper and Amerie didn't have a conversation on how Harper treated her but I think I still like their arc. I don't think that they're in anyway on the best terms they could be but I think it's because that Amerie views relationships transactionally in the way that she thinks she has to give every cent of her self to make other people accept her and I wanna see more of Amerie's story. For one, we know she has a sorta strict mom. For two, I've never seen anything about her dad. I'm wondering if there was an incident in her peer group in the earlier days or a situation in her home life where she feels like she constantly has to give 200% just to feel like she deserves even 5% of something. I really want the showrunners to tackle that kind of stuff in the third season. I want Harper and Amerie to have some kind of realization that their friendship is more complicated and I want Amerie to just have a god damn break for once. Have like a filler episode or gods just a fucking nap. I want Amerie to get like a cold where Harper or Darren or someone just helps her out while a bunch of crazy shit happens at school. Give my girl a break.

6): I fucking hate Rowan. He's manipulative but also traumatized. BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW GREAT SAM RECHNER DID PORTRAYING HIM??? It's like he woke up one day as Rowan like his acting was fucking PHENOMENAL. If Rowan is in the third season, I'm not going to be mad because I fucking love Sam Rechner's portrayal of a teenager that is aggressive and touchy and just... how tf do I put this... a sort of trauma-touched angry that is not the typical portrayal of "I'm angry because I'm traumatized" but just representative of people who are like him if that makes any fucking sense??? Idk how to describe his attitude and mannerisms because there us definitely trauma laced with his actions but you can also tell through his backstory that this shit didn't start with his trauma or at least not the one we saw in the beginning. It's kinda like the signs of a serial killer but (hopefully) those signs are recognized and he is placed in a treatment that can focus on protecting himself and others. I don't think his behaviors will go away and I would not be surprised if he's not in the second season because he was institutionalized because that seems like a natural progression.

It's weird to talk about Rowan because there are signs that his trauma has influence on his behavior but is not the sole cause of his behavior. I don't want to put some kind of diagnostic label on him and I encourage everyone else to also not put a diagnostic label on him because I think most people watching (including myself) have the psychological knowledge to put a label on him without demonizing other mental illnesses because I see a lot of behaviors that can be attributed to some psychological problems but I'm not educated enough to talk about that without demonizing people with those mental illnesses who act so far from his other behaviors. So, I don't recommend other people putting a label on him because, even with good intentions, there are people who would want to use Rowan as a reason to demonize real life mentally ill people. But, I do not fucking like him as a person. I love the characterization. But fuck him to the sun, man. He was manipulative of Amerie and he was trying to forget Amerie but his thoughts did result in harmful actions and I think the best retribution would be deep psychiatric help but knowing the mental health industry, the kind of help he needs does not currently exist and that fucking sucks. If he is in the next season, I'm not going to complain because holy fuck I loved the character in the realm of his writing like the writer room for Heartbreak High deserves a fucking award.

Overall, my thoughts on the season were that I love how complicated everyone is. The characters feel like actual people that exist in real life. They feel loved and cared for and I hope netflix greenlights a third season. I've seen a LOT of people recently who hadn't watched the first season come out but got a netflix account specifically to watch Heartbreak High and that kind of thing is what netflix WANTS so I'm a little more hopeful that a third season might get greenlit. I'm excited to see what the showrunners do next.

Again, gonna say that, whatever behaviors that Rowan has that can be attributed to certain mental health disorders, let's just consider what fuel we're adding to the fire.

And because some people did this, remember that the actors are not the characters. A lot of people bullied Gemma for Sasha's actions but Gemma is the actor playing Sasha, she is not actually Sasha. She did a fantastic job so it might be confusing but she is not Sasha and does not deserve the hate she gets for her wonderful portrayal. This goes for EVERY actor.

#god i fucking love this show #heartbreak high #heartbreak high spoilers #heartbreak high season 2 spoilers #heartbreak high season 2 #phenomenal fucking job

[thependragonarchives]

William T. Spears -- My Personal Headcanons

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ- Things I give William in my canon ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ-

✧ William, in life, was constantly pressured to uphold impossible standards in order to be treated the same as he elder brother, Thomas. In death, this has transferred into William pushing Academy students, strict and unrelenting. The only difference is that William makes sure the students are rewarded properly for their hard work, when he was never given the time of day.

✧ One of the lower managers in the Management Branch. You know how a store has like, a General Manager, and then the Assistant manager, then the rest of the managers?? William is essentially the guy who does 60 hours overtime but has never gotten past beginning manager no matter how hard he tries, so he's just settled into his role.

✧ Takes the duty of a reaper seriously, because he's seen what happens to those who cannot be 'reformed'. Yes, he pushes hard, and seems strict, but it's all for the betterment of his team. Becoming a part of the Management Branch means seeing some things the Higher Ups don't allow the regular reaper to see.

✧ 'Detach yourself from your emotions' has become one of William's main teaching methods, due to emotions being one of the main reasons workers 'desert' the Dispatch. Being emotionally attached to a soul and thinking of changing things? It'll get you to the Reformation center. Being mournful on the job, clouded by grief when reaping? You would be distracted, and the soul would have a chance to fight back, ending with the reaper gaining the Thorns. Hesitating because of fear? A chance for something to hurt you. Reaping comes first, and William encourages putting the job before your own feelings (regardless on if that's healthy or not).

✧ Mostly blind without his glasses, and uses a cane (or scythe on the field, even though he loathes using his death scythe as such. He's too stubborn to use either when undercover.) as a mobility aid, alongside constant migraines. (Medical couldn't get the bullet out of his head entirely, and might've accidentally damaged some of his brain more.) He goes to physical therapy once a week for his leg, but usually only spends one day a year at Medical for his nerve damage.

✧ Two specific special interests: Avian psychology (specifically the cognitive abilities of carrier pigeons) and Greek Mythology. He keeps several pigeons/doves in his Dispatch Mandated Residence, to observe and cherish (a fantail pigeon named Henrietta is his licensed emotional support animal), while also gathering several different renditions of the same Greek mythos. He has three prized copies of the Iliad, and two handbound copies of the Odyssey.

✧ Whenever he has free time, which is…rare, William does bookbinding! Grell has come to him wanting photo albums made, or repairs to her favorite romance novels, and William gladly takes the time to create new covers/repair the leatherbound ones. Each book he binds is unique, and William will never do the same design twice.

✧ Autistic. William is very specific about many things, needing it done certain ways or else it's all Wrong. Food, however, is the worst for him to handle. None of his food can touch or it'll taste bad, it has to be arranged a certain way on his plate or else it'll look gross, it cannot be ADJUSTED or else it'll all taste bad, and he has to be the one to make it because it'll taste bad otherwise. So things like William eating something Grell made, or sharing Ron's food, are huge signs of trust/comfort in their relationships. Because his brain puts what they give him in the same category of 'I made this so it's okay to eat :]'.

✧ He fake-smiles with too much teeth (akin to a stressed chimpanzee). It's more like a grimace than anything (and usually forced). His true, genuine smiles are always with his mouth closed, and are a lot more subtle than his coworkers. He covers his mouth with his hand when he laughs.

#black butler #kuroshitsuji #william t spears #cw sui implied #grim reaper #ooc: headcanons #cw food habits #kuroshitsuji headcanons #kuroshitsuji reapers #OH and he has greying hair

[flautist10]

Hi, so today I had the unfortunate experience of being forced to listen to a very problematic talk about autism by the parent of an autistic girl which left me completely enraged and honestly worried for the girl. As i myself am neurotypical and my only experience with autism is a few of my friends having it, I was wondering if some neurodivergent people on here could give me some tips on what I could bring up tomorrow when the seminar group discusses our thoughts on the talk. Everyone disliked the guy cause it was obviously very problematic but I think unfortunately everyone else in the group has even less knowledge about autism than me and I wanna make sure I’m being factually correct in my criticisms, so any input is much appreciated. serious tw for his comments under the cut

The guy called autism a „disease or developmental disability“ which as far I am aware it is not, but rather a different neurotype. also he very much lamented that it can’t be cured and only ‘made less severe’ by behavioural therapy but to my knowledge it can’t and shouldnt be ‘cured’ because masking can be pretty traumatic and therapy only teaches masking (he honestly sounded like he follows autism speaks tbh)

He said that there’s different kinds and severities of autism (kanner’s syndrome vs Asperger‘s) and that non verbal autistic people have damage to the speech centre of their brain. I’m pretty sure that’s not true, that it’s not a different disease but merely how „well“ you mask or not. Also isnt  Asperger’s a slur cause Asperger was a Nazi and he tried to differentiate „useful“ autistics from the ones that were „expendable“.the guy also said that people who choose not to identify with those labels are „in denial of their disability“ (which is certainly bs)

He said that autistic people are incapable of forming relationships or holding jobs and should be put into care homes to spare the families and that they’re all violent and „overreact and are incapable of controlling their emotions“ which, just what in the Nazi fuck. I’m pretty sure the reaction is completely justified to the much higher stimulation they are feeling and if a neurotypical person felt the same overstimulation they would also react heftily.

Other problematic things he did was call his daughter a „problem on legs“ but at that point I’d already cussed him out and left the room. 

he also just kept highlighting how autistic people just “don’t want to see that theyre not normal” and that its “really hard work to have a conversation with one” where i was like?? how do you think it feels for them to communicate with you?? like have you ever heard of being accomodating to their different communication methods rather than expecting people to conform to your idea of ‘normal’ ?? 

he made fun of common autistic traits like having special interests also seemed to generalise a lot and, as far as ive seen in my friends, autism is very indivdual and there is great variation.

on the whole i wish the talk would have been by an autistic person about how it feels to be autistic, and how we can make society more accessible for them rather than a parent trying to gain sympathy and portray themself as a martyr. i feel so sad for the daughter that she has such an awful dad 

#input appreciated #autism #neurodivergent

[fierceawakening]

So I’m pretty sure some damage has been done, but here’s a list of Stuff I’ve liked and disliked from Tumblerians who I thought were rationalists but maybe were adjacent:

Yay (edited to expand):

Long effortposts about how something works and why, especially as contrasted with short sj “x is bad/good/required”

Explanations of how neurodivergent men experience ableism, and how a lot of Discourse makes this predictably worse

Explanations of why movements like Gamergate or the Men’s Rights Activist movements might appeal to the above, esp. when they already feel profoundly unheard/disenchanted

Meeting various autistic women and autistic transmasc people, and discovering that we share a lot of things in common, including getting similar bullying as young people

Discovering that special interests are a thing, and being in an environment where me having them is normal, not weird

Willingness to think about moral theory. I wonder sometimes if they’ve studied non utilitarian theoretical frameworks as carefully as Bentham, but hey! Other people who vaguely know this shit! Woo, even if their take makes me ??? muchly

Analysis of how social status is a thing, and can be as or more powerful than privilege in individual circumstances

I have made several online friends I am sure I would not otherwise have met at all, and these people enrich my life and make it better, and I am very glad to have met them, regardless of what label they embrace

Boo:

One True Wayism about EA, utilitarianism/consequentialism, or both

Framing of “the left” as a monolithic enemy, including a recent post I saw that literally said “I thought the left was misguided, now I think they’re evil”

A tendency to paper over the sins of people they admire—Peter Singer, Paul Elam, etc. I’ve brought up things I think were damning and got eyerolls rather than “I can see why that would make you Nope out immediately, but here’s why I don’t...” style discussion

A tendency I see for people to do things like the above and seem intensely emotional/defensive, but then to condemn emotion based decision making in other people

A tendency to consider *anything* they don’t like moves in an incomprehensible neurotypical status game, rather than to notice that their jeremiads are unpleasant to hear and people avoid unpleasantness after a while

That whole thing in the communal house with the abusive dom. It really sounded like that person got off way too easy, which similarly makes me think these people act on emotion/protect members of their in group just as much as NT/empathy driven/$foo people when the rubber *actually* hits the road

Also re the house, stories about pressuring people to observe BDSM they were uncomfortable with. I too love the idea of never having to be private with my kink, but the minute one person is not okay with that, close the door! Jesus.

Finding out the guy who ran the central hub is cool with HBD

[johnnyprofane1]

How to Get Diagnosed #ActuallyAutistic in Just 26 Years

First off, this is not a poor-me story.This is a journey to #AutisticJoy story…

I’m a singer/songwriter, pretend Rock Star with a decent following… after at least 5 other careers.

I’m also #ActuallyAutistic. Or my fave hashtag… #AutisticAF.

Two most frequent private-message questions I get?

Not about lyrics, my guitar playing, or even my mohawk…

1. Could I be autistic?

2. Should I get a diagnosis?

Well, here’s my way-long, way-detailed, way genuinely autistic answer…

I was born in 1953. Long before autism or Asperger’s were widely discussed in medicine or popular culture. More or less, just beginning in the 70s.

At least by 1957, at 4, I knew I was “different.” Family and neighbor kids told me so.

A lot.

In kindergarten, a teacher reported I was unusually creative, but “stayed to myself.” After 2nd grade intelligence testing, I was tagged “gifted.”

But my behavior was “odd.” Solitary. Formal in speech, a know-it-all. “Insensitive to context,” liked talking and playing in class. “Inattentive” to lessons.

I had one close friend at a time… In fact, only one I remember in all of primary school. In 4th & 5th grade. Jeff.

Wonder what he’s been up to the last 56 years…

My intelligence: uneven. My reading skills were off the chart, but verbal learning, most of education at the time, was difficult for me. Math tested high, but I was so impulsive on quizzes, I needed remedial classes.

Tests were a silly game to me. It was fun to be the first-one-done. I couldn’t have cared less about grades. I’m a process-, not results-oriented guy.

And most glaring? I was disliked, even hated, by schoolmates, cousins, perhaps even parents.

I was a target for mockery, hate speech, bullying, physical and sexual attack, and later molestation. And universal disappointment: “You’re not living up to your potential.”

A history of dozens of jobs, dozens of relocations, lost years in a cult, lost years in badly matched relationships…

And honestly? A history of causing great pain to others. Inadvertently perhaps, but not always. Then circling back to the couple of decades in what most would label a “cult…”

Something was just not right with this picture.

I first sought diagnosis at 17 following suicide attempt #1 in 1970. The experience was horrific.

I felt badgered by the therapist, “I know you have a secret you want to tell me.” I wanted so badly to please her. But had no idea what I was feeling, much less why.

As still happens under great stress, I temporarily lost language ability. I became mute. Which has several times been interpreted as “resistance,” “guardedness,” or even “passive aggression” by “helping” professionals.

I didn’t try therapy again until my first year in grad school, 1980. The psychiatrist summarily dismissed me without a plan when I didn’t respond to imipramine (an anti-depressant)– possibly I pissed him off. I seem to have a talent for stepping on therapist toes.

But in 1991, I entered the mental health system and essentially never left. Every new psychiatrist, psychologist, therapeutic social worker confidently diagnosed me… with something entirely different.

Between 1991 and 2016, I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder, major depression, type II Bipolarity, rapid cycling bipolarity, malingering, borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorder NOS (including discussion of multiplicity), PTSD….

There have been additional discussions of various anxiety disorders (especially social anxiety), attention deficit, schizophrenia, TIAs, stroke damage…

Pretty sure I’m leaving a few out.

With each new diagnosis, each and every professional confidently told me he or she had nailed it.

This time…

And they could help.

I was medicated accordingly with imipramine, Prozac and all the modern SSRIs, Welbutrin, Effexor, Lithium, depakote, tegretol, gabapentin, klonapin, lorazepam, respirdal, the occasional syringe of haldol, provigil and other narcolepsy drugs, sleep aids, supplements like fish oil, more I’ve forgotten….

And offered suggestions of Abilify, Seroquel, other anti-psychotics, electro-shock (ECT)…

As well as therapies including Jungian, supportive, interpersonal, analytical, psychodynamic, cognitive, task-centered, solution focused, dialectical behavior, cognitive behavioral…

I was myself a counselor from 2001 to 2011. Strange, but true.

Not one of these interventions helped me materially.

Not one.

And I experienced some very concerning side effects: tics, emotional numbness, difficulty thinking, feeling like a stranger in a strange mind. I totally gave up on treatment and medication in 2011. Bouts of suicidality ensued.

A very few friends and one wife threw the term autistic around over the years, but I never followed up. It seemed so unlikely. I was so bright. So articulate. Even somewhat successful… for a few months at a time.

And without conscious awareness, I had become adept at hiding the fact I was actually dysfunctional… perhaps the majority of the time.

Plus, I could pass for “normal” by masking… when not under stress. I learned by junior high to practice my favorite classmates’ neurotypical behavior in the bathroom mirror. Hide stimming, meltdowns, panic attacks, the total autistic burnouts lasting sometimes months, years…

In 2011, the intimacy of the most successful relationship of my life forced me to look inwardly as deeply as I could in order to avoid losing my third wife. (We are still together, deeply in love, but live in separate houses a few hundred feet apart. She needs breaks from my intensity. I find even her company exhausting after a few hours.)

My now-third wife had a family member with “high-functioning” autism, what we used to call Asperger’s (and what we now call, simply, autism). Watching this young boy negotiate his world was like watching myself in a magnifying mirror.

We had so many behaviors in common. Mine were just somewhat better disguised. With my wife’s encouragement in 2012, I began reading articles, books, online forums…

In 2016, when we separated briefly, I finally re-entered therapy. This time, I contacted various experts in adult autism through Indiana University’s Indiana Institute For Disabilities Community (IIDC).

Bingo.

Every symptom…Explained.

Every “flaw” in my character… traced back to this pervasive developmental diagnosis.

I am making progress in a kind of task-oriented counseling. Working on strategies to accommodate characteristics that just ain’t gonna change…

But the key gifts that external, credible diagnosis gave me:

Accepting I really am different, with very different needs from neurotypical folks.

Providing for those needs, as I discovered them. For instance, understanding my “special interests” are not hobbies. They are central to my survival. My job.

Reducing stimulation, sensory & social. Accepting I will have few intimate relationships in my life and becoming cautious about “friendships,” only those few folks who take the long, long journey to know and like me. After a lifetime naively assuming each new stranger was a new friend, my motto became, “Don’t like me? Don’t hang.”

Spending unashamed time… alone. I have a radical need for autonomy, while simultaneous difficulty managing independence when any other human is present. As much as I crave intimacy, I must manage my time with humans. Say less than 5 minutes with a stranger before anxiety or panic sets in, maybe 2 hours with my wife. Which brings me to…

Over the last few years, I’ve not only experienced reduction in anxiety, depression, suicidality, dissociation, night terrors, meltdowns, panic… I’ve come to realize my natural state.

Finding love. My neurotypical wife and I respect, admire, encourage, and desire one another. Pretty much a first for me.

Autistic joy.

Not disease…

Joy.

When I’m creating words or music, walking alone in Nature, watering my garden, cooking, fermenting pickles, making bread, decorating, yard sale-ing, reading, loving my pets, meditating, even shaving…

I’m in the flow.

There is no time. There is no space. No surroundings. No memory. No pain. Just lizard-warming-in-the-sun…

Joy.

Everything that restricts that joy? Gotta go. Good riddance…

So, diagnosis?

Yeah.

That’s my story.

And this time, I’m sticking to it.

[darkstrangevirgilanxiboi]

Notes From Someone Who Grew Up With An Autistic Brother

My brother is autistic. And if you've never met anyone with autism , you might be misinformed about how autistic people are. My brother is NOT: * Stupid * Unwilling to learn * Misbehaved * A 'forever child ' My brother is a smart MAN. He's gonna be 22(?!?! I'm crying he's so big now I'm so proud ?) next week on the 13th . Anyway here's some things I want you to know about my brother Josh , his autism , AND HOW IT DOES NOT ALL MAKE HIM A BURDEN OR A PROBLEM OR ANY LESS OF A GREAT PERSON ( if you don't like my brother or autistic folks , fight me ) ( FIGHT ME, I MEAN IT, I'LL SWING ON YA RIGHT NOW DENISE) - Firstly ya gotta know autism is a spectrum and it affects everyone differently so this isn't a go-to post for every autistic person / curious person - Second , autism affects social skills. People with autism are more likely to have social anxiety, have speech impediments , and tend to function poorly in crowds . But!!! If you work really hard to become friends with someone with autism ? They're probably gonna love you for life? My brother is shy as hell but if you are patient and are nice to him and listen to him when he talks he's gonna respect you so much? People tend to interrupt my brother, he stutters a lot when he talks and repeats himself. But if you show enough respect and let him say what he needs to , he'll like that. And once you're friends ? He info dumps so much on you that you forget he's a shy mess in public .( get him going about Power Rangers and he's absolutely adorable he gets so detailed and so pumped ! ) Honestly just be nice enough to spend quiet time getting to know what they like and what makes them comfortable and they'll warm up to you. I remember the first conversation I ever had with my brother was about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I was like five? He was four. Until that day he didn't really talk to me. But it was rainy that morning , mom was still asleep and dad was at work . Josh was in his room watching the show when I wandered in with my cereal bowl in hand. He glanced at me , and quietly goes " Wanna watch ? It's funny! There's a real smart guy who I think you'll like. " And so, I sit down and a few minutes later I'm listening to my brother gush over characters and plot and bad guys and at one point he hugged me and said " Thanks for listenin', mom and dad don't" And from that day on , I tried harder to get to know my brother. He's a sweetheart who loves unusual trivia , mysteries, animals ( no really he's got books on animal trivia ) and watches everything from historical documentaries to fan theories on his favorite shows. HE INTRODUCED ME TO BLEACH, HE GOT ME INTO ANIME YOU GUYS Honestly I've bonded so much with him over shows and characters and I've learned a lot about him by watching his reactions over the years. I have a lot of feelings about Dragon Ball Z and the Ninja Turtles because those two shows were what my brother and I first watched together , and we had such deep chats during commercials . My brother relates to Michelangelo and Raphael the most because he says ' I get Raph, you know? He doesn't know how to ....how to say....how to feel out loud, right? He doesn't know the rules to feelings. And Mikey's lonely because he just wants people to like him for himself but it's hard because the world sees him as wrong even though it's not his fault and he didn't want to be different. I feel like that because people... People look at me like they want me to be this one thing , and I can't be , so they're mad and disappointed. I'm not normal to them , but I...I mean ? I'm normal for me! This is my normal, and everyone is normal in a special way. " During Dragon Ball Z, he suddenly goes : " Do ...do you think people would ... You think if they could see the world the way I do....you think they'd pick having autism? I know everyone without it thinks it's bad, but ... But sometimes I like being autistic. I like the way I notice background noise , or the details on someone's face, or all the ways something feels. I dunno I think maybe I get to know the world a lot better ? " - Emotional difficulty. My brother has trouble expressing and reading emotions , that's true. But he understands them. And he taught me a lot of lessons. My brother gets angry with himself a lot because he can't communicate what he needs, but he tries super hard not to hurt anyone with his anger. He'll throw a tantrum in his room , but he avoids other people until he's calm enough not to just blindly lash out. And when he'd bicker with my sister , and things got physical ( like siblings fights do ) he was always very careful not to hit her. Sometimes he'd lightly slap her arm or hand if she hit him , but he didn't raise a fist to her. And he'd just let her work out her anger and then hug her when she was done. ' I know you weren't upset at me and it's okay to be upset , but don't hurt anyone when you're upset anymore , you don't think right when you're mad. ' - Hyper focusing is a thing and sometimes it's no fun to deal with. Tv portrays it as cute hobbies or interests but it's also times when my brother couldn't sleep because the number of tree branches outside his window changed. It's my brother not being able to relax unless his collection of comfort toys are all on his bed. It's my brother breaking down in tears because his lucky childhood lion stuffed animal was falling apart and he was convinced he wasn't going to have any more good days in his life. ( my grandma mended it it's ok) My brother binges shows all day and doesn't remember to eat sometimes. Hyperfocusing can be cutesy but it can also be very serious . - Hyper Sensitivity is weird because some days ? My brother is fine and doesn't care what he wears or what he eats. But other days he won't wear anything too scratchy , or he won't eat anything too crunchy , or he won't leave the house because the wind is too much. I'm used to it , but to my childhood neighbours my brother seems eccentric and bizarre . - Physical Affection ALWAYS. ASK.FIRST.WITH.AUTISTIC.PEOPLE. I never hug my brother unless I ask him first or he initiates it. If I hugged him without permission , he'd get a panic attack and freeze up. He just doesn't like surprise touch. But once he lets you hug him ? It's the best! He gives such affectionate hugs and honestly for a minute in his arms my depression is cured. Just ask first to grab their hand or tap their shoulder or pat their head. It gives them more control over their environment and it shows you respect them. - Don't try to correct their stims or coping mechanisms. SERIOUSLY I'VE SEEN PEOPLE DO THIS SHIT TO MY BROTHER My brother wrings his hands together and makes noises to relive stress or work off extra energy, and he also talks to himself.( usually an ongoing role play in his head ) A lot of autistic people do things like this. It's called 'stimming'. I don't understand why running his fists against his forehead eases his anxiety when he's upset, but I don't tell him not to do it because that's how his brain tells him to calm down. If you take away their stimming, you take away their normal way of dealing with stress and emotions . Let them stim , maybe try to lessen the damage if it's a harmful stim ( biting fingers, pulling hairs, knocking head against things ) ,but let them stim! And!!! Stims!!! CHANGE!!!! My brother used to say things four times when he was upset because his nickname is four letters ( his full name is Joshua ) and the way he explained it was " if I hear why I'm mad four times it gives me four chances to settle down " He doesn't do that anymore. Now he just repeats the words " It's stupid , I'm stupid for being mad " until he calms down. In public his stimming is different - he'll twist a corner of his shirt in his hands or hum under his breath or nod a lot. When he's super anxious he paces endlessly and can't seem to move fast enough to please himself. Sometimes he'll just run through the house until he's calm. I've seen my own dad tell him not to pace ! It calms him down and it's not hurting anyone let him pace jfc -They don't always tell you but they listen My brother knows the rude things people say about him. He listens to people talking to try and learn how to talk better , and he hears . He hears the insults , the jokes. He knows the math teacher thinks he's a retard. He knows the other kids make fun of his stutter. He sat in the lunchroom and listened to those around him making fun of him. He KNOWS. And he avoids being friends with anyone who'd mock him while he was a mere fifteen feet away. Anyway please be kind to autistic people and their families . But also be looking out for autistic people who don't have good families,whose families are ashamed of their autism.

#autism awareness

[lostallblue]

OCs #1 + #2

in other news, i have way too many ocs. i can’t even. i hate myself. but these two dorks are two of my favourites and also they come as a pair so i have to post them together. it just can’t be otherwise, mate.

so here we’ve got actual murder child celia and soft, book-nerd horatio. me? have a problem naming characters so i just name them after shakespeare’s characters? would i do that? it’s more likely than you think. incidentally, i hate epithets so much. how do you come up with them? i don’t have a clue.

@hundredsunny enjoy my nerd ocs (i’m thepinkfluffyunicorn btw, this is just my one piece blog). they’re both idiots but i love them.

NAME: jernigan celia EPITHET: the nightwalker -  because she murders people at night, truly an imaginative name. NICKNAMES: lee (literally only horatio gets away with this), most people just call her by jernigan unless they’re close friends. AGE: 21 (pre) 23 (post) BDAY: 1st of december BIRTHPLACE: arden island in the grand line - a foresty spring island with lots of big, terrifying monsters. heck yeah. GENDER: female HEIGHT:  5.8 WEIGHT: 69kg HAIR: black, v straight. EYES: dark. APPEARANCE: celia is this tol girl with kind of medium-brown skin? she looks vaguely arabian? she tends to tie her hair back with complex plaits that mean things in her culture. she has one that means honour, another that means something overcome and three for each member of her family that were killed or went missing. the rest tend to vary depending on the situation. her style is very casual when she's not in assassin-mode. jeans and a graphic t-shirt are her sort of thing. with strong boots that can handle lots of work. she also has a leather jacket that she pinched from a shop in loguetown once. she loves it. she does, however, love the chance to dress up. she goes for really gorgeous dresses that are all long and shiny. but she only rarely gets the chance. when in assassin mode, she wears tight, dark clothes with a hood and light shoes with a good grip. and knives. lots of knives. SMELL: the blood of her enemies. FAVE FOOD: lasagne FAVE DRINK: berry cider (and by that, i mean the sort we have over here that's alcoholic) FAVE SEASON: summer REPRESENTATIVE NATIONALITY: welsh BOUNTY: 100 000 000 - but not for celia the person, just for the nightwalker the assassin. they don't know who she is. because she’s a snek. DEVIL FRUIT: none! PROFESSION: private assassin CREW: none PERSONALITY: celia is an angry bean who wants to fight you. she's pretty good at concealing her feelings, but is pretty much at ease with them. she's fine with being a pretty emotional person. she's also hecka oblivious. she doesn't notice when people flirt with her. it just goes right over her head. horatio thinks it's hilarious. she would 10/10 flirt back if she realised - not that she's actually any good at flirting. her version of flirting usually involves knives in some way. she loves her knives. a lot. never leaves home without them. has named all of them and can actually tell them all apart, even the ones that look identical to literally anyone else. she loves horatio a whole lot. would literally tear the world to shreds for him. he's basically her brother in every way that actually matters. he makes her laugh when nobody else can and is the only person who can draw her out of her own head when she gets lost in her thoughts. he's also basically the only person she cares about. she hates slavers and murders them. she also appreciates money a lot. would definitely rip you off if you gave her the chance. she has a big thing about being able to make her own choices and having control over her own life - a consequence of being a former slave. she's also illiterate, so that's a problem. she doesn't deal well with being reminded of it. horatio's tried to teach her, but she's probs dyslexic so she struggles a lot with it and doesn't have the patience to actually commit to learning it. anyone who calls her stupid will face her knives. LIKES: her knives, horatio, generally pasta, tomatoes, alcohol, murdering evil people who own slaves, pretty dresses, make-up. DISLIKES: slavers, feeling stupid, spring because she has a pollen allergy WEAPONS: celia has knives. celia's life is made up of knives. she loves her knives. she would marry her knives. she's also very good with her knives. HISTORY: celia was born on arden island which is a pretty cool place. mostly forest with a few villages and a few bigger towns. no big cities. celia's home village was on the edge, looking out onto a beach and the ocean but with a forest at its back. it had one of the only three docks on the island so they saw a lot of business from both marines and pirates. anyway, a couple of years later, celia's little sister - rosalind - was born. celia and rosalind were really close as kids, they both loved to explore the forest outside their home. but when celia was nine, slavers raided their village and a bunch of people were killed, including celia's parents. both celia and rosalind were taken as slaves. they managed to stay together at first, but when they were sold at sabaody, they were seperated and celia never saw her sister again. she became a celestial dragon slave and everything was pretty bad for a while. when she was fourteen, yuji - a former marine who'd started his own group of rebels separate to the revolutionary army because he didn't think dragon was doing enough - freed a bunch of slaves of which celia was one. celia joined up with his group because she didn't have anywhere else to go and yuji taught her how to fight and kill. he basically used her as his assassin, sending her out to kill his enemies. celia adored him though, he had saved her and yuji was pretty good at making people like him. when celia was eighteen, yuji brought horatio back severely injured and celia watched horatio get better and then - in her eyes - steal her place at yuji's side. see, that was kind of yuji's shtick, manipulate people into caring about him and then pit them against each other so that they didn't band together and turn against him. so at first, celia was super jealous and that meant that she and horatio did not get along. at all. they fought constantly. but because celia was no longer quite so focused on by yuji, she started noticing how...awful and manipulative he was toward horatio. she noticed how often he'd emotionally abuse and manipulate him and make him feel like he owed yuji the world. which, she realised part way through, was pretty much exactly what he'd done to her. so she started trying to befriend horatio. at first, horatio didn't trust her. but they did slowly become friends. and celia started trying to convince horatio to leave with her. because she could see how much damage yuji was doing to him and she was Not Okay with it. horatio completely ignored her at first, but bit by bit she managed to convince him that yuji wasn't as good as he thought. and eventually, they managed to run away and headed for the grand line together. this would be when celia's about twenty. they basically set themselves up as slaver-hunters. they assassinate big people in the slave-trading business and, along the way, celia looks for her little sister.

and the next dork.

NAME: tveit horatio (not that he uses his surname) EPITHET: NICKNAMES: AGE: 18 (pre), 20 (post) BDAY: 4th of january BIRTHPLACE: icthus island in the north blue GENDER: male HEIGHT: 5.6 WEIGHT: 55kg HAIR: horatio has floppy, straight white hair. and yes, that is natural, he hasn't gone white because of stress. although he 10/10 probably would have done, if that was possible. EYES: blue APPEARANCE: horatio is actually? pretty good-looking which makes celia hiss because then people start trying to flirt with him. he's mega lanky, noodle arms all over the place. a smol boy who is just...v short, for a guy. he was tol once, back when he was like eleven, but he hasn't grown since, so......concerning. for added shortness appreciation, he's shorter than nami. chopper is the only straw hat he's taller than. this is hilarious to me. he also appreciates looking good, so most of his clothes are pretty well-made. he likes the woollen top-coat over jumper and shirt Look because he thinks he looks distinguished. celia think it makes him look like a nerd.   he has a lot of pretty horrible scars all over his body, so he tries to stay as covered up as physically possible. he likes the coat because it covers his neck when he keeps the collar up. and whenever he can get away with it without looking weird (read, whenever it's not too hot for it) he likes to wear a dark red wool scarf that he knitted himself. he likes a good pair of oxford shoes, but he tends to wear boots more because they're easier to run and fight in. he also carries throwing knives, but they're normally under his coat. he uses a long, black cane to walk - because his hip is really badly damaged and he has a bad limp. but! at least he has a cane with which to look cool and also to break the bones of his enemies. SMELL: butterscotch FAVE FOOD: banoffee pie FAVE DRINK: hot chocolate FAVE SEASON: autumn - he likes the colours and anything pumpkin/pumpkin-spice flavoured. REPRESENTATIVE NATIONALITY: norwegian BOUNTY: currently none and they're desperately trying to keep it that way. DEVIL FRUIT: none! PROFESSION: spy - as in, he spies and finds information about targets for celia, who then kills them. CREW: none PERSONALITY: horatio is an anxious nerd, okay? he's such a nerd. he's actually on the autistic spectrum so he has Special Interests such as astronomy and history. he also fixated on linguistics years ago and has never let go. he tends to feel emotions really strongly and cares a whole lot, but struggles a lot with both processing and actually showing his emotions. feelings in general are very confusing to him. he tends to do his absolute best to ignore his feelings until they become overwhelming and cause him to shut down. he sometimes loses his language when that happens. he also has OCD. so that's a fun time. he's pretty charming when he needs to be though. v flirtatious, which is hilarious considering he's hecka aro-ace. he knows how to make people do what he wants them to do. an important skill considering his job. but don't let any of that fool you, horatio is actually an idiot. sometimes he does stuff and he doesn't even know why he did the thing. he just did it. when he isn't on a job, he doesn't think about the consequences of his actions. he just acts on impulse. he's a dumbo. LIKES: books, history, linguistics, astronomy, dancing, pumpkins, stimming and also the ocean in general - horatio loves the ocean a lot. DISLIKES: potatoes, his family, slavery + slave owners, having Feelings(tm), lilies because he's allergic, bad rulers/monarchs, the marines as a whole annoy him a lot because he thinks they're all idiots which, i mean, in all fairness.... WEAPONS: like i said, he uses throwing knives a lot and also his cane which he can swing around with deadly efficiency. not to mention, nobody ever takes it away from him when he's going into places where weapons aren't allowed. you know that scene in lord of the rings: the two towers where the rohirrim are trying to take gandalf's staff away from him but gandalf's like 'you wouldn't take an old man's stick away from him, would you?' and they let him keep it. that's horatio. horatio is not above using his disability to manipulate people. HISTORY: okay so horatio was born on icthus island. but he wasn't just a random person. he was born into the royal family! specifically the tveit family. he had five brothers and a sister. all of them hated him. the tveit family is awful. in general. they're cruel rulers. so pretty much from day one, his family were terrible to him. see, they picked up pretty quickly that he was Weird because it took him like four years to talk for the first time and then it was in full sentences. and from then on, he was just...odd? from their point-of-view. they were really stiff and formal and, also, they owned slaves. because why not? at first horatio wasn't against what they did both to others and also to him, because he didn't know any better, but then. a thing happened. his nurse - aurora - who helped him to speak and taught him to handle his anxiety and sensory issues when his family would just dismiss or punish him for his bad moments, was blamed for a theft when he was nine. it was actually horatio's older sister who broke the thing that was 'stolen' then lied about it and...everybody knew. but that didn't really matter to the king and queen, so they executed aurora for theft. and horatio lost the one person who actually cared about him. it was this that really jarred him out of the whole 'this is okay' thing and he realised how awful everything they did really was. and he started trying to protect the slaves in their palace. but that just made his family more annoyed with him. and so it carried on for, like, five years in pretty much the same way. horatio did something that upset them, they beat him for it or locked him up or starved him. everything sucked. and then everything really went wrong. when he was fifteen, he made the terrible mistake of befriending a slave called antonio. antonio was from the grand line - specifically alabasta! - and told him stories about the nefertari family who are amazing rulers and so kind. horatio low-key didn't believe him, but he still has a vague dream of going to alabasta and meeting nefertari vivi and her father. but then horatio's brother found out about his friendship with antonio. before then, horatio had mostly just tried to protect the slaves, but had never actually befriended them before. his brother was disgusted at the idea of his younger brother actually befriending a slave and 'disgracing their family' in such a way. his brother told their parents and... they had both horatio and antonio brought before them. after confirming that what horatio's brother had said was true, they executed antonio. but they didn't stop there. instead, they cheerfully went on to sentence horatio to death for disgracing the family name. they basically had him tortured for days. his siblings went to town on him. and after like two weeks, they left him outside the palace to die on his own. and it was here that old yuji found him. horatio was barely alive, but yuji took him back to his nearest base and managed to save his life. this whole fiasco - btw - is why horatio needs a cane. which sucks. horatio's family believe that they murdered him, so they had this big funeral for him ala sanji and the vinsmokes, except they actually think he's dead. and this is the big reason why celia and horatio are trying to hard to make sure he doesn't get a bounty. because they do not want to risk his family finding him again. so we already know how the whole thing with yuji went. celia realises what's going on and tries to convince horatio to leave. but it takes him forever to believe her because one of the big issues that his family left him with is that, well, he has absurdly low expectations for how people treat him. in his mind, if they're not physically abusing him, then everything's cool. because they're not as bad as his family. so that's why it took her so long to convince him. horatio's about seventeen when they leave.

CANON TIME-PERIOD CONNECTIONS: they - as a duo - have their first encounter with canon one piece characters about half-way through the pre-time skip era? they arrive in alabasta post-war and end up in a Fiasco that leads to them meeting vivi. which was their intention anyway because horatio really, really wanted to meet vivi. vivi gets on with horatio the best - the old both being royals thing really helps with friendship, apparently. celia spend roughly half the time pouting because she thought horatio liked vivi more than her. she is easily made jealous. but they do end up friends in the end and it's all good. vivi told them stories about the straw-hats and as a result, the Dynamic Duo really want to meet them. just because of that. they end up leaving about enies lobby time and heading off along the grand-line for more adventure. and murder. that too. they also run into old jewelry bonney part way through her journey, after they leave alabasta. celia fights her. then they end up bonding over mutual pasta appreciation. so that's nice. horatio was Amused. i haven't fully thought through their time-skip existence, but i know that celia wants to meet luffy even more just so she can congratulate him on punching a celestial dragon. the day she heard about it, she literally cheered. it was great. 

#my writing #my ocs #jernigan celia #horatio