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etherealsign282 · 6 months

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Looking back at old messages because PTSD attacks

The messages before this was her saying "do you even care about me" and me pointing out that she hadn't reciprocated any of the effort I asked for like being more involved in conversations, not stonewall/ignore me on PURPOSE, all the other shit I've mentioned before on my Tumblr that I've told her she's done and she's actively defended, deflected, and justified while tearing me down for things like "having a spotlight" because of my depression and forcing me to just magically not be depressed anymore/basically hide it from her so she can feel special and unique again.

First of all, you never even tried to explain how you felt. Your complaints were empty, shallow, and based on me doing wrong rather than how you actually FELT about it. The one time I got it out of you, it basically equated to jealousy, apathy, or entitlement. You aren't ready to be understood because you weren't ready to be the bad guy. You just wanted to be RIGHT. Which isn't the same thing. You can be understood and also be in the wrong. Yes I understand completely why x person feels this way. That doesn't mean they're fucking correct. You were just frustrated because your whininess pulled out a response that basically equated to "I don't give a fuck because you're an abusive bully". And I didn't give a fuck. Because all your shitty complaints and insecurities didn't warrant you to gaslight me, minimize me, mock me, interrupt me, get mad at me for obnoxious shit, etc. Like I get it but it doesn't excuse it and that's all you wanted was an excuse. Trust me throughout the entire relationship I knew you were insecure and "just wanted attention", the problem was you didn't appreciate any of the efforts and even made shit worse on purpose for us and expected us to just deal with it so we could prove we were good people (while you proved you weren't shit). I understood exactly that you were insecure, jealous, and felt threatened by me. I understood that you thought your behavior was okay because you built yourself up to be this fucking victim. I understood that you felt your behavior was justified just because youre "sensitive" (will get to that below). But it doesn't mean it was the right thing! It doesn't make you an innocent victim. It doesn't mean I can't be pissed at you for being under this illusionary guise that I did nothing for you when I did everything.

So basically she was whining that people see her as a super big asshole and don't want to talk to her about shit as a result and that she's not a dick, she's sensitive. SENSITIVITY DOESNT ALLOW YOU TO BE A DICK AND THEN NOT BE CALLED A DICK. Sensitivity doesn't give you a free pass to shut people down, minimize their complaints, argue with them, etc when they're just sharing their feelings, making people not want to tell you shit, and then fucking have a tantrum because people won't tell you shit. You fucking whined and whined about how "I was allowed to not tell you stuff but you're not" but like shut me down every time I did try to talk to you and aggressively forced me to communicate with you over shit just so you could be condescending to me and act like it's the easiest thing in the world to talk to you while literally minimizing me?? and oh yeah when you DID ask I DID tell you, usually over text because I can't PHYSICALLY TALK, but I didn't explicitly hide shit like you do unless again I couldn't physically talk or you were already being a piece of shit and I was going through reactive abuse.

But you would purposely do shit to signify you wanted to talk, just to stonewall or act like a victim about shit without actually explaining shit to me. All you did while we had problems was argue you with our feelings like you actively hurting us was a debate, while expecting us to automatically feel like we were in the wrong for shit you refused, REFUSED to tell us so you wouldn't have to "argue" your side. Which if your side wasn't so fucking filled with entitlement, emotional laziness, and ungratefulness, maybe you wouldnt have felt like you needed to put us into a position to start an argument so you could reveal your "brilliant" villain arc, that you still never fully explained! Like you decided this illusionary guise meant you were actually being hurt and yes you can *feel* like it's not enough but you can't *say* we didn't do enough. Because you knew we were doing everything you asked us just for you to change your mind or to start getting paranoid and treat us like shit for your THOUGHTS! if you came at us with an "I feel like" instead of "you did this" then we wouldve been able to explain shit. Hell, the few fucking times you did say "I feel" and I had a rebuttal because I PROVED that what you said was not taking x y or z into consideration , you got pissed and didn't want to hear it. You just want to be coddled no matter what your fucking emotions told you that day.

HOWEVER for us, we had the proof right in our palms that you put in absolutely no effort because all you did was make up fucking excuses and acknowledge that you were shitty while expecting us to coddle you for being shitty. You would actually say that putting in the most miniscule of effort was too hard or confusing for you, that is FACTUALLY you not wanting to put anything into the relationship. Yet somehow you not appreciating how we had to constantly go back and forth and do everything you asked of us means that your feelings of being "neglected" were valid, therefore you could be unappreciative and shitty all you wanted and then yell at us for never doing anything for you? I fucking hate you psychologically manipulative pieces of shit. That's not how "all emotions are valid" works.

Almost disgusted with myself for the fact that you got so into my head that I thought it was *okay* to have excuses for behavior, including my own, but the thing was, being actively abused by everyone except J is a pretty valid reason for not knowing how to communicate properly to a bunch of reactive pieces of shit, you included!

In conclusion, fuck you (I may edit this in a bit because I'm doing shit)

#things i wish i actually said to her back in the day #idgaf about how well you think you've changed #you still in the same place with the same defensive attitude for a reason #defensive ass “I'm not the person you knew” like??? okay??? and??#how is it being a bitch and a mooch and doing the same exact shit with the same exact behaviors and actions #and the only thing different is you know how to cover up your insecurities now #by acting like a hoochie momma

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foundationhq · 3 months

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Hey admins~ while I like you guys give a lot of freedom I'm a bit stuck with all the choices 😂 I'm indecisive what can I say lol. Any way you guys can give us hints on your vision for the opens? I'm struggling 😭

hello, thank you for your inquiry! i understand where you are coming from, since we have more of a sandbox approach to character creation. i imagine that there would be doubts if a character would fit the verse, especially if you're hesitating on a muse you've put your heart into. :< rejections are never fun and i will stress that during our review process, what we mainly look for is team composition, not what a muse "should be" about.

i avoid prescribing roles because i've ran a "skeleton" rp before (truth be told, it was more of a "bio" rp with detailed backstories) and it was really successful! however, in the end, i felt disappointed in myself because while i was able to see my vision come to life, i did not feel i had done enough to elevate the creativity of my players. i always want to improve not only as a writer, but an admin too in facilitating a supportive writing community.

however, i see lately that people want a little more guidance! so i hope no one minds if i draw the curtains on how we came up with these skeletons below. please feel free to use these as a guideline, but if you have another idea for your muse, go with what calls out to you! i sincerely hope this motivates the writing process for those working away on their apps.

every skeleton is, in a way, tied to an exploration of ethics and morality. each raises a question on how can one enact the concept of justice, when all the parameters for justice and fairness is wholly a social pact with an idea of "good."

[𝐶𝑂𝑊𝐵𝑂𝑌 𝐺𝑅𝐸𝐸𝑇𝐼𝑁𝐺]; what happens to the victims of the choices the foundation makes to keep the peace? is it right for them not to know what happened? how does the foundation know they're not leaving ghosts of people by forcing them to forget?

[𝐻𝐼𝐺𝐻 𝐹𝐼𝐷𝐸𝐿𝐼𝑇𝑌]; science is rife with historical and current-day ethical conflicts, all for "the betterment of society." what research goal are they pursuing that they feel justifies the experiment? how far will someone go to "advance" science? what personal reasons come into the mix?

[𝐾𝐼𝑁𝐺'𝑆 𝐺𝐴𝑀𝐵𝐼𝑇]; how far is too far when pursuing revenge, even if it would be justified? who should atone, and in what way? how does one measure vindication? at what point does the pursuit of justice become tainted by wrath?

[№2 𝑃𝐸𝑁𝐶𝐼𝐿]; in the act of wanting forgiveness, the desire of exoneration usually does not come from the victim. what are the pressures on the innocent for providing "absolution" to the guilty? what are the consequences of turning the other cheek? how can those who were hurt heal during the process of forgiveness?

[𝑃𝐸𝑅𝐹𝐸𝐶𝑇 𝑆𝑇𝑅𝐴𝑁𝐺𝐸𝑅]; how do those in a lower standing of "power" deal with the inequality they often face in their lives? what causes apathy in those affected the most by these unjust circumstances? is there anyone who is allowed to "look away" to keep going?

[𝑅𝐸𝑉𝐸𝑅𝑆𝐸 𝐸𝑁𝐺𝐼𝑁𝐸𝐸𝑅]; how does a moral exemplar deal with a huge mistake? can a single misstep overturn all the goodwill they've created? additionally, what ethical issues arise in the field of academia? whose efforts are recognized, whose work go on uncredited? what biases do those in power have when creating a "canon" of academic work?

[𝑇𝑅𝐸𝐸 𝐻𝑈𝐺𝐺𝐸𝑅]; what code of ethics do we as humans abide by? is that line of justice skewed by our anthropomorphic lens? what are things that exist in nature that conflict the interests of people? can one advocate for something that may harm people if it protects "the other"?

[𝑉𝐸𝐿𝑉𝐸𝑇 𝐺𝐿𝑂𝑉𝐸]; when negotiating opposing sides, what constitutes a "right" compromise? who are the people making these promises, and how do they represent the people they're making deals on behalf of? additionally, is it right to judge someone's social climb when they came from nothing? is it morally wrong to want to serve one's self-interests if those actions also help others?

[𝑄𝑈𝑂𝑇𝐸 𝑈𝑁𝑄𝑈𝑂𝑇𝐸]; where does liberty and freedom coincide and clash with the ideas of justice and equality? how does one navigate what to restrict and what to allow? who makes those choices for everyone? how does the dissemination and suppression of information influence public perception?

in conclusion, thank you for your feedback and i hope posting about our process when creating these skeletons helped you in your choice! i strongly suggest reaching out in dms with what you're envisioning so that we can assist you with resources or musing for your app! :>

> 𝚞𝚜𝚎𝚛 🅟

#new rp #oc rp #original rp #mature rp #literate rp #lsrpg #skeleton rp #fhq.faq #fhq.faq.rp #fhq.cg #fhq.hf #fhq.no2 #fhq.ps #fhq.re #fhq.th #fhg.vg #fhq.qu #( we're always happy to help so please don't feel afraid to reach out via dms if you need more assistance 💕 )#[ definitely! help us help you by sending us a message! 💓 ]

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icharchivist · 3 months

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Not to armchair diagnose, but Beelzebub reeks of narcissism while Lucilius seems more to be on the psychopathy/ sociopathy side of the spectrum

Narcissists need everyone to know that they're the best, they need to feel big and they need that validation, usually because of some trauma that caused them to feel small and insignificant. Behind their grandeur, their ego is quite fragile and they will lash out when it gets hurt

Compared to that, a psychopath will not care. They already know they're great, they don't require any outside validation. Their ego is unchecked and they will twist everything to not be at fault for anything, ever. There's always an outside source. Also, they don't have any emotional attachments to anything. Their brains are just incapable of caring about people, it's pure reptile brain

Neither of them are a perfect fit and I think it's a bit boring to try and put labels on characters like that, especially since their realities are so far away from our own, but they certainly check some boxes, so food for thoughts?

mhmm i would rather not pronounce myself on that, sorry :(

those psychology states tend to be widely misrepresented and demonized in fiction and i wouldn't want to contribute to it by associating them to clear genocidal villains when i can avoid it, especially without doing proper research on both of those and/or with opinions of people affected by it first.

As is, there is also the fantasy aspect that can make putting a clear human name on those mental states to be difficult; This is why i talk about Lucilius' apathy (which is a clear description of "not caring about everything around them") than to try to put a pathology on it.

(also "reptile brain"?! there's a hundred of red flag in this sentence since reptiles are capable of showing affection, and it ends up sounding like those stereotype about lizard people, be mindful please.)

As it is i feel like it is impossible to really discuss why they are like this without talking about their position as clones and as immutable/unable to change astrals. Eventually you'll just run into a wall.

but as it is i think putting those diagnostic on clear genocidal villains while it's not something the text claims to do, can easily backfire and i would rather not fall into that.

especially when we can discuss it without having to put a name on it. Lucilius feels apathy for the world around him and as such he doesn't see himself as a part of it. Also i disagree about Lucilius "twisting things to not be at fault". he rarely, if ever, actually tries to dodge any type of blame, and "being tormented by memories of the past that must come from someone else so he blames Lucio and God" doesn't strike me as something that can be justified that way. I mean when Lucilius disregard Sandalphon he clearly says it was a miscalculating from his part, i don't see how it's him dodging his own fault. Lucilius being disconnected from reality because of his state of mind has much more to do with others psychological states that lead you to dissociates and not think you're yourself in your own body than directly branding him as a psychopath.

As for Bubs's description i don't think it's a wrong one, to say those symptoms fits him, but again i would refrain to use the name of a widely mischaracterized psychological state to describe it.

you can just say that Bubs has a mix of a superiority and inferiority complex that translates in him boasting himself to not feel small.

all and all, i would say be mindful on how this can be interpreted yaknow?

so yeah personally i don't want to put hard words on how they're behaving that way; I'll discuss all sort of symptoms, sure, but this doesn't seem wise to me to put those names onto their behaviors. On top of not being really nice, i think it also runs the risk of projecting symptoms that are not here on the characters in order to fulfill this list of symptoms and i think that's unfair to the text. even if this is secondary to people being misrepresentated in that specific case.

hope it helps.

#ichareply #anonymous #ichafantalks gbf

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maidoffate · 7 months

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Why did you reblog a post that paints Isreal being a colonist apathies state as a falsity, ignores everything Isreal has done to the Palestine people for decades before Hamas existed, blames other Arab nations for not allowing Palestinians to be deported into their borders rather than Isreal’s genocidal campaign against them, and claims people should actually be protesting those Arab states rather than Israel’s ongoing mass slaughter?

Do you genuinely believe Israel is not responsible for every action they have taken since the occupation began? Do you only care about Palestinian lives so far as displacement and cultural genocide is acceptable, but not a blood one? Are you Islamophobic and/or racist to Arabs?

Or, is it what I hope, an inability to recognise genocide denial? That a malicious actor intent on taking agency away from Israel as a way to excuse their actions took advantage of your Jewishness to emotionally manipulate you. That in a time of intense emotions for all of us, racial biases got into your head and you engaged in this material accidentally.

You don’t have to answer this, I’d quite frankly rather you didn’t because I don’t think anything of value would come from it, but if you actually read this, please just look inwards as to why someone can cloth “Israel doing a bloody genocide against the Palestinian people is not the problem, other countries not letting Israel displace the people in an act of cultural genocide is” and you accept that argument as a valid one.

Salam Alaikum. Unless your response is still pro genocide, in which case, obviously, fuck you.

I actually am going to respond to this because I have a lot to say and I think you're going to find out me and you actually think more closely on the core issues than you think. I've been avoiding posting anything myself because I don't want to deal with the headache and potential harassment, but whatever.

First of all, if you read my tags to that post, you should realize I am not at all absolving Israel from blame. The occupation lies in their hands. They created Hamas, directly and indirectly. I am not denying any of the atrocities this state has done—even before the 2005 disengagement from Gaza. I have hated the state for as long as I've been politically active and have only grown more disgusted and disillusioned the more I researched about the subject. Chances are I know more about the conflict and its current state affairs than you considering I had to be pretty well versed on both sides of the spectrum and their current day aftermath to pass my Regime and Politics course (which didn't really whitewash anything and was incredibly critical of the state as it is).

I don't really agree with all the post in its entirety (particularly putting apartheid and colonialist in quotes, because like, regardless of OP's intention, those are objectively happening and there's no whitewashing it), but I wanted to platform the core conceit of it, which is that Hamas is bad for Palestinians. I haven't seen any other post really outline some of the reasons why in a way I could tell people. That post isn't really all-encompassing, either, but it's the best one I saw even if it does have its problems.

I outlined my stance in what I thought was clear in the tags, and avoided making a proper addition to the post because, frankly speaking, I'm not exactly "Tumblr famous", so I don't really consider any impact on whatever posts I platform. Only like 10 people ever show up in my reblogs, and most of them have (justifiably) not touched the small amount of Israeli-Palestine stuff I've posted with a ten foot pole.

I am not at all blind to the genocide happening in Gaza and the frankly disgusting living conditions and routine terrorism and abuse Palestinians receive from illegal settlers and the IDF in the West Bank. I read Gideon Levy's work. In what world is it acceptable for a "democratic country" to have a city (East Jerusalem) where only 5% of the citizens have citizenship? It's deplorable.

But I'm going to be clear: I have been to two funerals this week. A childhood friend of mine is in critical condition in the hospital. I've seen pictures, videos and heard what must have been dozens of stories from people who've survived the attacks that happened on October 7th and understand the sheer depth of the atrocities that went down.

So excuse me if I don't have the patience when I log into Tumblr and see that the overwhelming consensus is that "there is no resistance without violent retribution" and "those settler colonialists deserved it" and a bunch of people stand in solidarity with a literal fundamentalist terrorist dictatorship that has burned houses and people alive and massacred children. As if that's at all comparable to violently fighting back against soldiers and actual occupying powers.

I've seen several people compare Hamas to the ANC and like... just the sheer confidence of what people say without actually knowing any of the history and facts of the situation continues to amaze me.

Now, I'm not going to pretend as if there hasn't been a vocal rallying pro-Israel voice from western media, world leaders and other liberal celebrities (which I refuse to platform, for the record. I was offered a job in helping to translate summaries of the events to Japanese and refused because I'm not interested in spreading Israel's narrative.)

My only interest, really, is just trying to make people understand that they are not "standing in solidarity with brave warriors of oppression". They are supporting terrorists. Actual terrorists. Not just freedom fighters like Nelson Mandela, but a group that is actively trying to eradicate every Jewish person from this land, and doesn't care about any of the damage it deals to its own community or the non-Jewish people hurt in the crossfire. The Bedouin people have arguably suffered the most from Hamas' missile strikes, considering they live in poorly funded villages that don't even have proper protections and bomb shelters.

On a fundamental level, I am pro-Palestine (in the sense that I recognize they are the occupied victims of genocide, and deserve human rights, the right to self determination, and a state to call their own, whether it be with a two-state solution or one secular democratic state for all living in the Israel region), but I cannot begin to tell you the actual amount of vile antisemetic (not anti-zionist, not just critiques of Israel, I'm talking actually antisemetic) shit I've seen on this website due to this whole mess, not to mention people undermining every single Jewish plea post because it doesn't mention every facet and atrocity done right now.

It feels like no one can talk about the sheer density of actual antisemetic rhetoric without receiving "erm actually muslims have it way worse so stay in your lane". It's not a competition. Oppression is oppression. (And for the record, I'm talking about just the general communities right now, not just those living in Israel and Palestine -- obviously the people in Gaza are having it worse right now with the lack of water, food, electricity, and no proper safe place to reside in. They need help the most. Donate to the PCRF.)

Not every post needs to be fully comprehensive. Ignoring something in my post doesn't mean I don't care about it. It's just that I'm focusing on something else right now, because I don't believe people I've heard it. Not every Israeli needs to clarify "by the way I don't support the apartheid and colonization" to get people overseas to understand what is happening here.

Regardless, with my rationale out of the way, I will say I apologize for making you feel unsafe with that reblog -- again, only 10 people show up in my notes and I don't mean to make anyone feel concerned for what I think of them with whatever I post. I've went ahead and put my tags on that post into an actual addition so that anyone who sees that post can platform a better version of it that doesn't undermine the horrors going on here. Again, I really didn't want to post anything myself because I don't want to deal with the stress of it all, but fuck it, the block button is free.

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bryhaven · 2 years

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EDUCATIONAL POST: Signs that Mikasa Ackerman is in a TOXIC relationship

Now I'll be saying from the get-go that this post is NOT meant to undermine any Mikasa ship, especially with Eren. And NOT undermining the author and their writing. I didn't want to have to do this. But I'm forced to put this out here because some shippers and haters alike keep claiming and some even harassing other shippers (mostly the RM stans), and say that EM is not toxic. And even add that our ship RM is problematic.

I am the type of person that when given a nonsense argument, I will slap you with facts. Or give you a witty comeback (if I feel bitchy enough). This person below called me toxic and judgmental, claimed that those of low IQ cannot understand what Eren did blah blah blah. And then blocked me once I gave them a comeback.

Hence, this post is here to define what a TOXIC relationship is. And please take note that I will only discuss the parts where the relationship became toxic. Because someone might come saying, "But before that..", "But after this.." and so on. It doesn't even matter what happened before or after. Or even all the reasoning behind the actions. Remember, the end doesn't justify the means. The fact remains that the relationship became toxic.

According to Dr. John Delony in ramseysolutions.com, there are signs to check and find out whether you're in a toxic relationship.

1. Not feeling safe. This pertains to both physical and emotional safety. I don't see Mikasa feeling emotionally and physically safe when she talked about her thoughts and feelings, especially in the table scene with Eren. Her voice didn't matter to him because he was only set in completing his goal. And whenever she tried to speak up further, he would just brush her off.

2. Bad (or nonexistent) communication. This type of communication includes gaslighting, manipulating words, and being dishonest. Eren didn't tell them the entire truth and also used words to manipulate them, particularly Mikasa, into believing something else that he made up. Again, to further his own purposes.

3. Feeling neglected and exploited. I don't see Eren honoring or even seeing the reason why Mikasa was being overly protective of him back in the day. He was always angered at her whenever she tried to just watch out for him, or whenever she was being clingy. This is a psychological need that she has which was developed from a trauma, and Eren couldn't tend to or even acknowledge that.

4. Feeling like you’ve lost yourself. It is needless to say that Mikasa lost her sense of self here after hearing Eren's words. Eren clearly set off an anxiety alarm.

5. Judgment—not curiosity—is the norm. The way this was phrased, even in the manga, seemed judging and imposing. It's like he's judging her ability to fight with that length of hair which ended up imposing on her to do something about it. To rephrase it into the lifeblood of a relationship which is curiosity, he could have said something within the lines of "Does it bother you in training if you wear your hair down like this/with this length of hair?". Or he could have exuded care like "Would you be alright fighting with your length of hair?" or "Maybe you should try tying your hair so it doesn't bother you?". But then, no. He did not.

6. Feeling belittled and ashamed. Eren made her feel less than, and rubbed her nose in something from the past.

7. Not receiving empathy. Eren would either dismiss her when she tries to share something important or speak her thoughts, and she is usually met with apathy. Because Eren would usually direct the conversation back to himself and even try to one-up her in conversations since he is mostly focused on his own goals; when Mikasa here is only wanting for him to be safe. He often saw her as a bother, and always reasoned that she had no reason to do that since she's not his mother.

8. Playing a dysfunctional role. Service and sacrifice are parts of a good relationship. But then, it should be mutually giving and supportive. In this one, Mikasa more than often fulfills a mothering role. She made that promise to Carla to look after Eren. She always goes out of her way to care for him, even sacrificing her own safety. And because of that, she has grown to believe that it is her job to fix him, at the expense of her own feelings, needs, and joy. Sure, he has given her a reason to continue on living, inspired her to fight. But she has paid him more than enough for that service.

9. Feeling controlled or manipulated. Aside from manipulating her with words in the table discussion scene, Eren tried to tip the balance in his favor. This is in the sense that he makes use of her strength in the attack on Liberio. Even though this is Mikasa Ackerman with superhuman strength we are talking about, he still put her in harm's way by making her fight in the frontline. Whether or not it is in her will to do what he asked her, you can still see the hesitation and uncertainty in Mikasa while knowing what she was about to commit. And she follows anyway because of Eren and his reasonings. And a recurring theme in her thoughts is something within the lines of "Is this what Eren wants?" or "What if Eren will..", and her mind always spirals back to Eren. Mind control right there.

10. Living under a cloud of rage. Needless again to say (and for a picture since Tumblr doesn't allow more than 10 pics in a post. Urgh. Lol), Eren has been a chronically angry person. He is always frustrated by something, and often explodes in episodes of rage. A person like that cannot be fully supportive in a relationship. And though he has his own reasons for it (and some are understandable), it doesn't justify the things he made Mikasa undergo. And a crime is still a crime in the end.

And there you have it. EM has actually ticked all 10 boxes.

Again, I am just explaining the toxicity in the relationship. Not taking bias over something just to explain this, and not hating on any character. You can still understand or even like a character even though you don't align with their intentions, or even if you don't like their development.

If EM is your cup of tea, then by all means, go ahead and ship it. But DON'T go harassing others for it, or reblogging their posts with nonsense captions, or calling them out with rude descriptions, and then block them if they finally give you a comeback.

And DON'T go claiming that EM is not toxic, dysfunctional, or unhealthy in any way when you don't even have the FACTS to back it with.

Over and OUT!

#mikasa ackerman #eren yeager #eren jaeger #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #aot snk #eren aot #mikasa aot #haven thoughts #haventhoughts

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debra2007-blog · 5 months

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The Holy Anger Wednesday, November 22, 2023 Ruach Scripture says, "be angry, but sin not." Some believers use this to justify anger in judging. But our problem is that we're usually not angry enough. In Hebrew, the word Holy Spirit is Ruach HaKodesh. Ruach doesn't just mean Spirit, it also means anger. We're to have a holy anger at sin itself - selfishness, apathy, lack of love. If you're angry at people or yourself, that's not it. The Spirit has an anger, but it's never prideful. It's anger at sin. Be so angry at your own sin that you determine to live the most unselfish life. So angry at people being lost, that you determine to spread the Gospel no matter what. So angry at a lack of love that you respond by being a fountain of love. That's the Ruach HaKodesh being so angry that when you see unsaved people, you have the burden of the Spirit to share the Good News and save them. You should get so angry that you leave that sin once and for all and live a life of righteousness. But it starts with a holy anger. That's the Spirit, that's the Ruach.

Today's Mission Get so angry at sin that you'll actually put it away once and for all.

Galatians 5:22 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

HAVE A BLESSED DAY AND WEEKEND!

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cyarsk52-20 · 8 months

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RELATIONSHIPS

Tom Sandoval's T-Shirt Sex Comment Was A Worse Betrayal Than The Affair Itself

Amanda Edwards/Getty Images

BY TESSA SOMBERG/JUNE 8, 2023 10:30 PM EST

Ahead of the third and final part of Bravo's "Vanderpump Rules" Season 10 reunion on June 7, Andy Cohen, longtime host of "Watch What Happens Live" and seasoned mediator of Bravo's reality TV reunions, teased on Sirius XM's RadioAndy that Tom Sandoval made a comment during filming that would "upset every woman in America." Now, given the mountain of troubling comments that Sandoval has made in the aftermath of the scandal in which he cheated on his partner, Ariana Madix, of nine years with her then-best friend, Raquel Leviss, we were preparing for the absolute worst. Madix has been through enough. And then, came the comment.

Cohen asked Sandoval if he had slept with anybody else since he started sleeping with Leviss. When Madix chimed in that Sandoval had still been sleeping with her, Sandoval sardonically replied, "Yeah, she kept her t-shirt on, it was really hot." The immediate silence in the room, and outright explosion from the cast in the moments following, is evidence that the comment was simply excruciating to behold. Shall we get into all of its problems?

Sandoval selfishly centers himself

Peacock/YouTube

Showing once again zero regard for the pain and damage he has caused Madix and their shared friends, Sandoval centers his experience over the hurt he has caused others. We assumed Sandoval would say anything about his former partner to justify his cheating after his PR stint on Howie Mandel's podcast, during which he publicly weaponized Madix's mental health struggles as proof of his victimization. Madix then clarified on the "Call Her Daddy" podcast that she never threatened suicide; she told him that her life in Los Angeles would end. But we digress. No matter what, it is entirely unjust for Sandoval to continue using Madix's most sensitive pain points to make his case against her, especially when he is so blatantly in the wrong.

First, Sandoval is reinforcing the misogynistic pretense that sex should cater to men's pleasure more than anything else. It should go without saying that women are not sex objects to be valued based on how they look or act in bed, with a trusted partner, no less. That Sandoval appears not to grasp this is further evidence of his apathy toward the pain he has caused Madix. It's also hard to fathom that someone would use a once trusted partner's most vulnerable moments against them to gain ground during an argument, but Sandoval also went there. And this disclosure — to a national audience of millions — knowing that Madix has struggled with her self-esteem after a previous relationship, is just plain cruel.

Ariana gives a brilliant response

Mega/Getty Images

Where Sandoval has taught the nation a masterclass on what not to do after you cheat on your partner with her best friend — lesson number one, don't cheat in the first place — Madix has written the handbook for fighting back against gaslighting from an ex. And her response to the comment that Sandoval made has been nothing short of genius. Madix released a line of merch that says "F**k Me In This T-Shirt," with a depiction of a woman who is presumably Madix pulling apart a melty grilled cheese, both to promote the opening of her sandwich shop, Something About Her, with fellow cast member Katey Maloney and to normalize wearing a f***ing t-shirt when you're having sex — because sex is not all about what men want.

Shall we also mention that Madix graced the cover of Glamour the day after the reunion finale? The publication reported that Madix has made somewhere in the ballpark of $1 million following the fallout of her relationship, to which we say she deserves every dollar. To top it off, she perfectly summarized what many of us have felt but didn't have the words for: "The way that so many men act like they are entitled to your body and entitled to sex because you're in a relationship with them. I am not your Fleshlight. I spelled out what I needed, but hello. It's a two-person situation." Amen.

Read More: https://www.women.com/1309358/tom-sandoval-sex-comment-worse-betrayal-affair/

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I fully support the mob mentality. He’s an abomination and deserves every bit of hate he gets. He’s a scummy dirty butthole worm 💩🪱

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superiorllathanvie · 2 years

Text

Nowhere to Run

— [WHUMPTOBER, DAY 2] {SEMICANON}

‎

• characters :: seven, llyre, unnamed linia

• genre :: whump, narrative

• warnings :: depictions of violence; xenophobia; implications of genocide; no matter how big of an asshole you think seven is, they're much, much worse

synopsis / prompt(s) :: cornered

a/n :: was originally gonna make this about monday (the son) going on his nightly hunt, but i figured why not sprinkle in some canon-ish seven lore? 😄

(note for this particular 'semicanon' — specific events did not happen, but the gist of the circumstances / seven's character is supposedly accurate. emphasis on supposedly, because who knows? things get lost in translation in history all the time 🥰)

"Keep up." were the only two words LL spoke to him after dragging him out here to exterminate the last few remnants of the Linia. They were justified in saying so, however; LLyre was just a 'lowly being' under them, created by them — he was reminded of that all the time — of course he could never outdo the Superior.

That never seemed to stop them from gloating about it, though.

LLyre's stamina matched the other's just fine, but the hasty nature of the shorter Superi did make it difficult to effectively tail them. If only they'd quit jumping around the place and just charged in a straight line...

Scoffing, LLyre narrowed his eyes at their back, aware they could sense it but had more important things to do instead of reprimanding his 'rebellious' behavior. The more important thing being—

"GAH!" The poor Linia choked as LL landed right on their back, kicking her into the alleyway she was initially retreating towards. From LLyre's vision, he could tell that the force wasn't great enough to paralyze the runaway, but she'd definitely feel it in the morning.

If she lived long enough to see it, anyway.

"Couldn't you have just used telekinesis to draw her to you instead of..?" LLyre trailed off, reluctantly following the Superior — who slowed their pace to a calm walk as they approached the source of a groaning noise.

LL clicked their tongue, shoving their hands into the pockets of their hoodie. "Well, yeah, I could've," They hummed, indifferent, "But I like the chase."

LLyre chose not to reply to that.

After making their way through an alley that seemed to stretch on forever, the two Superi eventually came to face a disheveled Linia on the ground, crawling helplessly in an attempt to get away. They stood there, watching in silent apathy, until the Linia appeared to give up seeing as her efforts would get her literally nowhere.

With her remaining strength, she managed to push herself up and lean on the nearest wall. The Linia's back was arched and tense, likely from the impact from a certain someone's assault. She forced herself to look up at LL and LLyre, who might as well have been Grim Reapers in disguise.

She whimpered, "Why..?" in a vague sense that the Superior barely acknowledged, before she clarified: "Why do you.. hate us so much..?" The Linia coughed, "You made us, too, just like the rest of the denizens of Syto..."

"You're not like the others. That's exactly why I have to make sure that you're, well, wiped from existence." LL corrected, narrowing their dark, blank eyes at the unsightly creature on the ground. "A normal denizen is under my control — given a little individuality, sure, but Linia... Oh, you mutinous pieces of crap...

"Not only are you incomplete and unprepared for the world, your kind is capable of developing your own conscience; different from mine," They glowered, making the Linia shudder. "You are out of my control, immune to external tweaks, and therefore unfit to live in my perfect paradise."

"But why?!" The Linia lashed out, hissing through gritted teeth as she felt the recoil from her injuries. "We never did anything to you!" She cried.

The Superior only clenched their jaw in irritation and let out an exasperated sigh. "You're unpredictable. And in a world that was created to be a place where I could have everything I wanted, for a people to be.. exempted from my rules?" They laughed bitterly, "That's.. threatening."

The Linia only managed a fearful squeak, pushing back against the wall.

LL took a deep breath and exhaled, turning to LLyre who only watched on in conflict. "You got something to say?" They asked; not in an intimidating tone meant to scare him into his place, but in a genuine, inquiring one. It was rather odd how quickly they switched up, but LLyre appreciated the special treatment nonetheless.

"Uh," LLyre stammered, nearly buckling under the pressure of two pairs of eyes — one waiting for his opinion and another pleading in hopes he'd ditch his boss-slash-god to save their life. He shook his head, "No, not really. Just think that maybe we should have a.. more efficient way of dealing with them." He said the right thing, right?

Shrugging, LL hummed, "Well, true. Only problem is that I have no goddamn idea where these keep leaking out from." They sighed. After a pause, they gazed back at LLyre. "...You did mean 'deal with them,' as in drive them to extinction.. right?"

The Linia's eyes brimmed with tears, a fleeting hope shining in them.

...No, no. It was just the light from the Moon.

"Of course, what else could I have meant?" LLyre responded, glancing away. He always cursed his ability to feel empathy. It made him feel human — he was not human, he was a Superi. Superi are higher life forms than humans.

He was inherently better than them. He was destined for more. He had no need for a heart.

That's what LL told him.

The Superior smiled cheerfully, satisfied with his answer while the Linia quivered with terror. LLyre's attention was called back by LL, who started swirling their wrist in a circular motion, forming an orb of dark violet matter as they turned back to the unfortunate Linia.

"Well then, in that case..." LL grinned, slowly approaching the cowering individual. Lightless irises glimmered with sadism and malice. "You watching, my dear Superi?

"You better take notes."

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arllenn · 3 years

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Staring down at Ruri- no Chime is his name, before you, you can help but feel tired. None of this is making any sense it’s all too much at once.

Bonderev, one of the dickheads behind what happened at black swan bay, had apparently been alive and living well enough to the point where he could give lessons on morality in his final moments. Imagine that! HIM a man who BLEW UP an ORPHANAGE and who had personally shot you and Renata, what he persumed to be, dead! And he had the nerve to ask you to, no- TELL you to protect his son, to not let his actions get in the way of YOU PROTECTING his SON! You’re so frustrated to the point where you’re not sure if you want to burst out into maniacal laughter, break down and cry or just destroy everything in your sight the same way that dickhead had done to you and your family all those years ago.

He had gotten everything and more. A family, a happy life, power and he was freed from all the consequences of his actions. So what about you what did you get? A permanent fear of trusting anyone because “hey I’ve already been used as a genetic experiment by the man I considered a father who then proceeded to blow me, everyone and everything I’ve ever loved to kingdom come! But sure thing nice stranger who I just met let’s be besties!” Makes so much sense. Oh, oh! What about stealing years away from your life! 20 to be exact, man you could’ve been married, had a family, gone to the capital and achieved everything you had wanted to! But no instead what you’re doing is standing here, the same 18 year old who couldn’t do anything to save your friends, your family, as you watched them die in front of you. You’re the person who even in her last moments Renata had to look after and protect. And wow doesn’t that smart, doesn’t it hurt to look down at Chime to see how weak he is, with a voice that trembles and eyes that seem one glare away from overflowing with tears, doesn’t it hurt to look at him and see the worst parts of yourself reflected back at you? The parts you wanted to bury so deep down inside that they’d be forgotten by even you. But here they are, loud and angry and demanding your attention.

Your throat closes in on itself, the hand on your hip tightens. It’s a painful squeeze that’s only purpose is to remind you that, no you can’t cry here, you can’t let anyone see you like that, you cant let yourself be like that, not here. Not in front of people who you should know, who you should trust but who you don't You've spent more time running around for them then with them. It's mean and the ugly cloying feeling that rises up from your chest makes you look back at your relationship with 'your' uperclassmen. Were you even close enough to be called comrades? friends? Most of the time it felt like you were just there. A living phone running to deliver messages from one of them to another. Running errands, throwing yourself into danger or just escaping death for what? People who, people who you- people who you... what even are they to you? Right now your upperclassmen feel miles away from you, both emotionally and physically.

Your nails were starting to dig into your skin in a way that was more then painful. You could feel the moment the skin on both your hip and the palm of your other hand broke. Pulling your lip in between your teeth you try and tune back into the conversation waiting for the right words, for your upperclassmen to throw another request at you so that you can leave, preferably go outside and beat the shit out of one of the trash cans out back before running off into danger once again to fulfill their orders like you always did. And wow, isn’t that something... even now, even now, you’re still just blindly following people’s orders, never asking questions, never saying no. What... what is wrong with you? Hadn’t you learned your lesson already? Hadn't you learned after Herzog that you don't, you can't, just do that. Last time you did that you grabbed onto a rotten rope, a horribly, disgustingly, rotten rope.

"Promsing to protect somebody so recklessly is a foolish thing... nevertheless... thank you." Chime's retelling of his life comes to an end at a convient time. It's perfect really, and so you take that moment, the lull after his thanks, to leave.

You walk out into the lobby of Takamagahara the slow calming jazz music a horrible contrast to the thoughts and feelings that are swirling inside you right now. You make it two-thirds of the way to the bar when you're met with an extremely unpleasnt sight that has you cringing for more reasons then one.

Crow and Yasha are sitting the bar, resting most of their belegirantlty drunk weight on the actual contertop instead of on their chairs. They're demanding extra achoul, Crow shouting about how he can't take something anymore who knows what. And yikes heres a thought, Chime Gen is in the VIP room right behind them, those two who, even if they are drunk out of their minds, are Chisei's aides. They find Chime or even gain the smallest inkling of an idea that he may be here and you'll have more to worry about then cleaning up the counters from their drunk cry fest. Normally you'd step in here, and take over for Quinton the poor bartender on duty who always seemed to get the worst of the costumers but you really aren't feeling up to it today.

Just as you're about to turn around to give the trashcans outside the beatings of their lives Crow says something that you can't help but stop at. "You know I like Sakura don't you?" It was a question directed at Yasha who was only able to groan out what he thought was a response. You debate staying for a second. This isn't something that you particularly care about, nor is it something that really concerns you. But it just, you just want to know a little bit more about what Sakura was like before she became another one of Herzog's victims. Its with that flimsy excuse and the puppy dog look that Quinton gives you once he notices you're there that has you stepping closer, leaning against one of the pillars that trap the bar in its own seprate space.

As Crow continues to slur his feelings out Yasha seems to sober up a bit, it's not by much but its to the point where you're no longer worried about him getting into a bar fight, more just what taxi service to call for him when he inevetably passes out and where to send him afterwards.

Yasha leans over the bar apparently ready to give Crow some type of advice when the following happens. 1) he trips and stumbles over his words "Don't.. Don't worry. We are brothers. I... will never... mock you." sweet right? It would've been if not for 2) The fact that he lurches over its a face you recgonize all too well.

"Quinton get out of the-" 3) Yasha hurls all over Quinton, your words left to hang just as Yasha's icky face goop is left to hang off of Quinton. And now you're royally pissed. Sure you were pissed before but this is the type of rage that can only be quelled by you being left alone to stew in it. Its not the emotional type of rage that you felt earlier when you wanted to smash every glass surface you came across no this is the cold type of rage that leaves nothing but apathy in its wake. because as much as you've been trying to ignore it theres so much more that you had been trying to ignore, so much more that had been pushed to the wayside that you're angry about. You look up at Quinton whose looking at you like a lost kid in a mall that had mistaken you for their mother. Running a rand through your hair you harshly scratch at your scalp. "Quinton," you let out a frustrated sigh, "Take the rest of the night off, you'll be paid regularly and you can take extra pay if you wake up sick tommorrow." You turn to him and start to walk behind the counter switching places with him.

“Right thanks a bunch, manager." He rushes out. Turing towards the staff area most likely to change into his extra uniform instead of going home covered in puke. Staring down at Yasha's mess which was covering most of his area of the counter as well as the floor under his chair your annoyance hit an all new peak. It's not the chunky kind of throw up that can be easily cleaned up, its a mush that resembles watery baby food. It's obvious that this wont be a quick clean and that both mops and floor wipes are just going to push this stuff around instead of soaking it up.

Today just can't get any worse can it? Pushing your hand back into your head you aggitatedly rubbed at your scalp, pushing and pulling at the skin there. You’re pissed off. To come back after fighting against Herzog, let’s not forget HERZOG WAS THERE TOO! HE WAS THERE, HE WAS THERE LIVING AND BREATHING, AFTER ALL THAT HE HAD DONE, HE HAD THE NERVE TO GET UP ON THE PEDESTAL THAT HE HAD CONSTRUCTED, DESIGNED AND BUILT HIMSELF THROUGH EXPLOITING THE INNOCENT TO TEST HIS FREAKY DRAGON DRUGS ON, HE HAD THE NERVE TO TALK DOWN TO YOU! ACT LIKE YOU WERE STUPID OR SOME KIND OF PREDETERMINED FAILURE! You get back from that battle exhausted , emotionally drained, and wanting to destroy yourself to find Finger leisurly drinking with Humpback! After you thought that he died you thought that you had lost another person, only for him to be there and fine. It was reliving yes, but just fucking horrible at the same time. So when you stare down at that mess and the first thing you see when you look up is the VIP room that the others are in you felt like you were justified in deciding that you would be acting on your tiredness and handing off this task to one of your upperclassmen like they do to you so often.

Actually you retract your earlier statement today can in fact get worst. Crow and Yasha have apparently had enough to drink both uncoordinatedly slamming down the money to pay for their drinks, you really don't care wether or not is correct you just want them gone, they BOTH step into Yasha's puke tracking it out the door with them. Yeah, no- you're not cleaning that up nope, nu uh, never. You blow out a heated breath and start to walk towards the VIP room careful to avoid all of the face mush on the floor. Pulling on the curtains that served as the door to enter you called out to the occupants.

"Right, sorry to ruin the fun but I just had two costumers who puked and tracked the throw-up everywhere so I need one of you to go out and clean it up preferably like," You looked down at your wrist as though you wore a watch. Truthfully it was just to hide the annoyed look on your face, "right now please." You glanced up at them Before clarifying "Chime I'm not asking you to clean it up, just focus on resting." Because as much as you wanted someone to clean that nonsense up right away you were also specially tuned into just how draining it could be to meet Herzog like that. "Cool thanks guys!" You clapped your hands together and prepared to leave the room when Luminous started complaining.

"Aw, come on no way newbie, I don't wanna clean something like that up!" He put his hand to the back of his head, a tick you had noticed he did when he was complaining, nervous or worried, "Come on can't you do it? You were already out there.." And there it was normally you would excuse that tone as just being something that made Luminous, well Luminous but today the whiny tone was grating on your ears and you were two steps away from man handling him like you used to with Anton when he was being uncooperative. The thought of him hurts. Witnessing his final moments, being there when they happened, it was both the same and different then the others. Sure you had watched all the others die but Anton's had always stuck with you in a way that was far too painful for someone who you really didn't like. And now the urge to cry was back, you felt your eyes burn with unshed tears that were a culmination of too many of your emotions to name.

Caesar brought a hand to rest on his chin tapping away at it, before he even got the chance to talk your anger had already started to peak "Luminous is right newbie, theres no reason for us to do it, you were already out there and knew the areas that needed to be cleaned. This just seems like a waste of both yours and our time." Yeah, yeah, you seriously contemplated grabbing Caesar by his ponytail and using him as a mop for a second.

"You just cleaning it up would've been more efficient." Johann unhelpfully chimed in. Yeah, maybe you would use Caesar as the mop and Johann as the counter rag.

"Yeah freshie! Everyone knows that newbies do all the grunt work, you can't expect us to do it can you?" Fingers nasally voice made you want to throttle him the more he continued to talk. Sure he may have meant it as a joke but you really weren't at the point of caring. In fact you couldn't care less about anything right now. The anger that had just been building had condensed into a vengeful apathy that demanded the souls of those around you.

Once again Caesar spoke this time however you decided to cut him off. "That's right newbie, using my authority as team leader I order you to-"

"Damn I kinda don't care," You said scratching at the back of your head in an obviously exaggerated way. "Yeah actually..." you started mimicking Caesar's earlier stance, "If you're invoking your team leader rights then I'm invoking my manager rights."

"Hey wait-" Luminous tried to interject.

"Yeah as your manager I order you all to have that throw-up cleaned within the next half an hour." A bit long of a time slot, sure, but really who cares as long as it gets done.

"No way newbie team leaders out rank managers, which means my order still stands." Caesar's stubbornness in this situation could be something to praise if not for the fact that a) you don't care and b) you're two steps away from bringing your thoughts of using him as a mop to fruition.

"Team leaders outrank managers when we're out on the field sure, but right now we're in Takamagahara not battling death servitors, which means your team leader status is moot." You made a slicing motion over your neck. "You may be the leader appointed by the college but right now that means nothing, were not fighting and this isn't reconnaissance, we're working."

"That doesn't change the fact that Caesar is team leader freshman." You can always count on Johann to speak up for what he believes in. Too bad you're not here to praise your upperclassmen but instead get them to work.

"Cool! And I'm still the manager. Right now you all are technically on the clock at Takamagahara which means what I say goes. Caesar may be the team leader and you may be my upperclassmen but that doesn't change the fact that right here right now what I say takes precedence in all matters that aren't dragon related because I'm the ma.ne.ger. " You smile your best costumer service smile and speak in the same tone that you do with costumers when you say this. Then you turn on your heel and walk out calling out behind you that "I expect to not wake up to puke covered floors in the morning! I'm going to bed good night."

And well if Finger chose not to comment on your behavior because he watched you break down in the elevator through the security cameras then that will remain with him. And if Caesar and Johann chose not to speak on it because they heard you sobbing from outside your room that night then thats something that stays between them. And if Luminous caught a glimpse of the empty look in your eyes that night when you left your room for water then he definitely held that as a close secret to his heart. Choosing not to comment on it. And if you noticed that your seniors were just a bit more gentle with you or asked for your input before sending you off on recon missions when they didn't before then you don't comment on it.

#author is tired #dragon raja mc #dragon raja #johann chu #caesar gattuso #luminous lu #fanfic #writing #finger von frings #chime gen #please send me asks

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tuesdayx · 3 years

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So I thought it would be fun to do a song-by-song breakdown of our latest album Essential.

Essential started as some rough demos designated for a side project in late 2019, which then became our largest album to date in terms of song selection. Many of the themes deal with learning to cope with the changing world thanks to Covid, with a perspective of someone who had to keep working at an "essential" job with no option of self-quarantine. I was happy to continue working and being able to pay my bills over the past year, but there was always elements of stress, fear, and tension lingering over myself and everyone else in my position.

So here we go; starting from the top let's look at the Songs of Tuesday X's 6th album Essential.

1. Jet Fuel Can't Melt Steel Beams: the title was a reference to the 9/11 conspiracy memes, which as stated in the opening lines, "has nothing to do with this song." Written in January of 2020 before Covid had made any significant impact in the US, the song touches on many themes which happened to occur throughout the year, such as [another] Californian forest fire (Australia too), new diseases (Covid), a riot (the BLM movement over the summer, which I will state everything that movement has been fighting for is 100% justified and the United States is in desperate need of Police reform, as does our political system which has remained inherently racist to this day.), Civil War (and exaggeration for sure, but the civil unrest and political division in our country will soon split us apart further), more corporate giants(companies like Amazon profited more from this Pandemic than ever before and have helped further the gap between the American working class and the top 1%). Favorite line: "I won't get philosophical, I only wanted your attention."

2. The Only Difference Between You and Me is a Sense of Apathy and Your Brand New Nikes: This song is a blithing criticism of the American political system. Our two party system has left Americans with a choice between "the lesser of two evils" and allows politicians with no true interest in our needs to rise to power. The use of 3rd parties as an alternative is a overly simple compromise that would only just begin to alleviate the problems created in our political system. Both of our main parties are considered conservative parties to the rest of the world, and any progressive measures that would benefit society and reduce the effects of climate change are considered radical and preposterous by politicians with financial stakes in our crooked system where corporatations hold control and the people are treated as fuel for an otherwise worthless currency. Favorite line: "Listen to the radio, they played my favorite song. Now I'm bored and wanting more."

3. Blame it on the Elves: the title is a reference to an episode of the Podcast "Lore" by Aaron Menke (i can't recall which episode, but you should check it out anyway because it's great listen.) An instrumental interlude inspired by ragtime music of the 1920-30's, with an edge of course.

4. Class of Dropouts: This song was written when I was 16 during my sophomore year of high school and was originally featured on my now unavailable album "trees" before adopting the Tuesday X monicker. I brought it back 6 years later because I loved how raw and punk it was. The lyrics are dorky but I decided to leave them as is, it's a cool track for high school stoners to blare and let out their teen angst. Favorite line: "Walking in on my friends fucking."

5. Polaroids on My Bulletin Board: This is a song about growing up. As a 22 year old (now 23) who decided not to go to college straight out of high school, I felt isolated from my peers in a way. By going into the workfield right away I sometimes feel like I skipped a few years and missed out on a lot of opportunities. I regret not leaving my hometown sooner than I did and chasing my dreams of being a touring musician in a band. More often than not I reminisce of my youth playing shows and getting into trouble, as I now feel old and out of place in a scene I grew up in. Favorite line: "I know what it's like to be alive, I know what it's like to live a lie."

6. Labradoodle Underpass: Going back on the theme of growing up, this is about my recent experience with shows as an adult. When I was a teenager I felt ambitious and ready for anything, and I would drop literally everything to go to the nearest show. As an adult I feel introverted and constantly anxious about the world around me. I've missed out on a lot of great shows due to my own self doubt's and anxiety. Now that shows have been canceled for over a year I feel even more regret by not appreciating them more while I could. Favorite line: "23 years and a lingering fear that anything could happen, why am I here?"

7. Some Shit: This was me trying to be modest mouse lol jangly guitars and half talking/half singing vocals describing the world around me. I guess in a way it was an exercise in writing character description and setting, but otherwise it's just a chill track that almost feels aimless at parts. Favorite Line: "it's just some shit I learned from a friend. Just some shit I learned when I was trying to prepare."

8: Woe is the World: On the album this is a chorus snippet that barely a minute long (the full version is available as a bonus track on bandcamp, and it was actually a demo that turned out better than the final version.) I originally wrote this song when I was 15 with a different set of lyrics, but I came back to it while writing this album and re-wrote it to reflect my mental state and the world around me. Overall, just another melancholy track in a sea of melancholy songs. Favorite line: "you've never felt more alone than you do now, was everything worth it in the end?"

9. Then Why Was it Named Gideon?: the title is a reference to a line in Scott Pilgrim's Finest Hour (my favorite series) and like the first track on this album doesn't have much to do with the song. "Gideon" is a simple love song, talking again about how growing up sucks but having the right person by your side can make all the shitty times worth it in the end. Favorite line: "it's time to move on, you're taking too long."

10. I am Here, I'm Looking at Her, and She is Beautiful: This song is entirely about the book "Perks of Being a Wallflower". That's it. Nothing else, let's move on. Favorite line: "Over Christmas I read them a poem about a brown paper bag and the boy who wrote it."

11. Try to Be a Filter, Not a Sponge: Like the previous song, this one is also mostly about "Perks of Being a Wallflower", but with elements of my own experience with toxic relationships. I like to think of it as the character Charlie's experience with Mary Elizabeth overall though. Favorite line: "She called my favorite book washed out trash, said I have no taste and I'm still too sad."

12. Lavender Spray Bottle: This instrumental dates back to 2017. I recorded the guitar part as a demo on my phone and forgot about it. Over time I forgot how to play the guitar part, so I used the demo as a basis and layered everything else on top of it. The title is a reference to a bottle of water with lavender essential oils mixed in that my ex used to fend away spiders in the house we lived in at the time.

13. Hindsight is 2020: I will admit, this is my favorite song on the whole album and was actually the last to be written and recorded. With a simple guitar part and layers of vocals, this song is a direct reflection of life during the peak of the pandemic. With curfews in place and rising case counts, I had to learn to cope with life at home during my late nights away from work. My partner was quarantined during this time and I reflected on the mental strain this put on her. Favorite line: "Don't go to work, you need the money but you're not happy when you're there. Sometimes life is so unfair."

14. I Don't Know How to Deal With Serious Emotions Without Turning Them into a Fucking Joke: the title came from a meme I found on my phone from high school. The song itself was about my own inability to handle serious emotions without coming off as sarcastic. In both the music and lyrics, the song starts as a simple confession before exploding into raw chaos. Favorite line: "it's so hard. I'm so scared, what have I become?"

15. Say Hello to My Little Friend: the last instrumental on this album. A short haunting tune that reflects the final two tracks. The title is probably a reference to Rambo or something, but I never watched it and I thought it fit the feeling of this song.

16. Minneapolis: What became one of the most emotional tracks on this song actually began as a joke. My partner was snap chatting a friend one night and they asked me to write them a song on the spot. So I improvised the first two verses and chorus of this song, referencing her going to school there at the time. I found I actually liked what I had written however, so I refined the track and changed it from a sassy country song into a melancholic lament of my experience in the twin cities and southern Minnesota. Favorite line: "I miss Camp Snoopy, and Paul Bunyon's log flume ride that went around the whole damn mall."

17. Before the Sunrise: the final song on the album is an intimate look at my relationship with my partner. Through past experiences i have become riddled with self doubt and always looking at improving myself as a person. With hopes that one day I'll be the person I'd like to be for mine and their sake, it's an optimistic tribute to my best friend. Favorite line: "the cycle ends until the sun rises again, you're my best friend."

Thank you all so much! Check out Essential and our other music on Bandcamp, Spotify, Apple, and other places! I hope you all enjoyed this personal look at these songs that got me through the worst parts of 2020.

#tuesday x #emo #music #alternative #art rock #diy music #diy #midwest #underground #lyrics #essential #covid19

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