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#alastor and susan
inuhalfdemon · 3 months
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Dirty Dealings (3/21)
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Word Count: 1,962
Chapter 3: The Gossip
“But, I…” He swept a hand dramatically to rest on his chest. “Got my very first ‘crossroads demon’ moment.” He chuckled wickedly. - Alastor
Years passed and Addie LaRue continued to navigate her new-found life and its many challenges. Every year - to the day – on each and every June 25th, Alastor would visit her; wishing her yet another happy anniversary. He would offer her to close their deal; to give her rest from her miserable loneliness and collect her soul for his own. When she refused, he departed but not before offering her a gift; sometimes it was as simple as a new book to read or as meaningful as a pair of new shoes or clothes to wear. Addie hadn’t decided if this was something she came to appreciate from him or despise. Regardless, she persevered, determined to find her way in a world that was made to dismiss her completely.
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Despite having been busy with reaping souls on earth, Alastor still found time to enjoy a leisurely moment in Hell every now and then. He had grown rather fond of lunching or having tea with Rosie in Cannibal Town. He made it a point to stop in and share in a bit of gossip amongst her and some of the ladies there whenever he could.
It was a typical, hot and humid day there within the Pride Ring; no promise of acid rain or anything of the like. Alastor sipped happily at a cup of tea whilst Rosie and two of her cannibal-lady friends discussed the goings-on of the current reaping.
“…it’s put on by all of the Seven Deadly Sins, you know.” Rosie was explaining to the two women. “Every 10 years, eligible demons, sinners and Overlords are drawn and allowed to go to earth and reap as many souls as they can claim until the start of the next reaping. Of course, time works differently on earth. 10 years here, means 100 years there. Plenty of time to settle and collect from deals made.” Rosie paused to reach for one of the pinky fingers that was piled neatly on a small tray at the table they were all sitting. “Alastor here, is one of the Overlord demons participating in the current reaping!” She exclaimed excitedly. “And I’d say he’s already making a splash of things, what with having already passed the required quota by a landslide. He’s at the top of the collectors list, in fact!” She beamed back at him.
“Rosie,” Alastor smiled back at her, setting his tea cup down. “You flatter me. Why, from what I hear, I could learn a thing or two from you in the collecting of souls.”
Rosie blushed. “Yes, well….it’s been ages since I’ve participated. I’m much too busy keeping up with the souls I already have in contract.”
“WHERE’S ROSIE!?” A loud, grating voice cawed from nearby.
Alastor and the ladies all looked to see an ancient, cannibalistic woman shuffling right for them.
“Oh, dear…” Rosie sighed quietly before standing to meet the woman.
“Susan, dear. It’s good to see you.” Rosie greeted her warmly. “I hope you are having a lovely afternoon. Would you like to join us?”
“A lovely afternoon, my foot.” Susan said sharply. “Do you know that slut Linda went and got herself eviscerated by the hell hound that guards the butcher shop on 17th? What a dumb cunt.”
Alastor and the two ladies still seated at the table starred at the elderly woman, not saying anything.
Rosie touched Susan’s shoulder. “Now, Susan. I’m sure Linda did nothing to warrant the attack. Hell hounds are unpredictable at the best of times and that particular one is…well…I don’t think that necessarily makes Linda a…um…slut?”
“No.” Susan took a deep drag from the cigarette she was holding.  “She was definitely a skank.” She finished, puffing out a large cloud of smoke.
Rosie blinked at her, unsure of what to say next when she remembered her friends.
“Susan, I would very much like to introduce you to a good friend of mine!” She changed the subject and brought the old lady toward the table with her.
Alastor quickly got up from his chair to greet the woman with his best smile. Any friend of Rosie’s deserved his utmost manners. 
“Susan, you know all about the radio demon…” Rosie started.
“Ugh!” Susan groaned disgustedly. “Don’t get me started with that load of hog-wash….what a sorry excuse for a radio station, am I right? Maybe if it were just the screams but then we’ve got to listen to a wannabe Overlord and his fake, noisy, crackling static-filled voice. And, how unoriginal!? Is that mediocre broadcast actually supposed to be scary!? I tell you, Rosie, Hell was better in the old days. I’d eat my own ears off if it meant not having to listen to that racket ever again.”
Everyone was deadly quiet.
Um…”Rosie began, rather awkwardly. “This is him, Susan.” She gestured weakly to Alastor.
“Alastor…meet Susan.” Rosie finished.
His smile stayed in place, but his body was straight as a rod as he assessed the infuriating old broad before him.
 “….charmed.” His normally filtered voice had dropped it’s static; whether or not that was something intentional on his part, Rosie couldn’t guess.”
There was an awkward pause, in where nobody moved for several seconds.
Then, Susan took another long drag from her cigarette, slowly blowing the smoke out to the side of her mouth.
“Your broadcast sucks.” She told him sharply.
“OK!” Rosie said, quickly leading Susan away from the table. “Trudy? Jane? Would you both be dears and treat Susan to a lively round of Pinochle!? I’m sure you both could give her a real run for her money! What do you say!?”
The two ladies slid from their seats, and circumventing Alastor safely while remaining close enough not to appear rude, they took Susan with them as they departed.
Rosie sighed heavily as the women gathered up Susan and hurriedly left with her.
“I apologize,” Rosie started to say to Alastor. “Susan, can be-“
“BRING CECIL PALMER BACK!!!” Susan’s voice could be heard yelling away from them.
Rosie stood with Alastor, not saying anything anymore. He was perfectly, frighteningly still, a smile still plastered across his face.
One of his ears twitched slightly, then he asked her, “Is that one contracted?”
“I’m afraid so.” She told him.
“Well, that’s…disappointing.” He commented cooly, going back to take his seat.
Rosie breathed a small sigh of relief, before returning to her chair as well.
Alastor straightened the lapel of his suit jacket pointedly. “You know…it’s not like I can’t take criticism. I have bettered the quality of the screams I play a fair bit from my original broadcast, and the voice…is it still too static-y?”
“Oh, Alastor!” Rosie chided. “Don’t give it a thought. Susan’s a nightmare to everyone, even in Hell. Now, enough of that. I want to know more about your earthly exploits! Come on now, you must have some interesting prospects!”
“Rosie, you know I respect the privacy of my clients.” Alastor teased her.
“Oh, but I am terribly curious…”
“Well,” He sipped his tea. “I did manage to track down a handful of serial killers; you do know how I am partial to their ilk. I find their line of work quite rewarding…when done tastefully, of course.”
“Oh, how exciting.” Rosie giggled. “Anyone that may be of interest to me?”
Alastor sighed. “I’m afraid not. Cannibals are a lot less common these days, it would seem.” Flashing his ever-present smile at her, he added, “No reason I can’t do a little digging though, see if I can turn up any leads. Just for you, my dear.”
“Oh, you are too kind.” Rosie beamed.
“Oh, yes!” Alastor straightened, excitedly. “I almost forgot!”
With a sweep, he stood up from his seat and produced his microphone staff. Spinning it about with ease, he created a small portal. Reaching into it, he pulled out a clump of something. He stopped the cane and the portal disappeared. The something he had collected started to move and one, large bright eye opened up surrounded by a row of razor-sharp teeth.
“This little amusing treat is, Niffty!” He proudly exclaimed, sitting back down. “I collected her on my last outing!”
“Hi! Hi! Hey! Hello!” Niffty sputtered, jumping onto little legs to dart around the legs of the table and chairs.
“Why, hello, dear.” Rosie welcomed. “My, you are a quick thing.” She commented, watching as Niffty darted to and fro all about the town square.
“Is her name really ‘Niffty’?” Rosie asked, her large black eyes trying to keep up with the little creature’s movements.
“I have no idea.” Alastor admitted. “I call her ‘Niffty’ because I think she’s quite nifty!” He laughed.
“Alastor!” Rosie chastised him. “She’s not a pet!”
Rosie watched as Niffty picked at a line of ants going across the sidewalk near the table. A raven flew down and hopped close, interested in what she was doing. Niffty arched her back and hissed at the raven like a cat, sending it quickly flying away.
“At least…I don’t think she is…”
Alastor chuckled. Clearly enjoying his new addition.
He and Rosie sipped at their tea some more, enjoying the afternoon quietly together. Not much longer, and he would be on his way. He played his fingers along the tables edge before saying, “There is one prospect I have that is rather interesting…”
“I knew it!” Rosie cried. “I knew you were holding out on me! What is it!? Something…political. Oh, I do love a good scandal!”
“Really, Rosie?” Alastor, smiling but still showing his disappointment. “Politics?”
“Hey, it’s a guilty pleasure…” She shrugged.
“No, nothing like that.” He told her. “But, I…” He swept a hand dramatically to rest on his chest.
“Got my very first ‘crossroads demon’ moment.” He chuckled wickedly.
“Uh…what?” Rosie asked, confused.
“A mundane human soul came to me to strike a deal. A young woman, in fact. Her aching heart yearned for freedom from the entrapment of the threat of impending death. She wanted more time to see and experience the world to its fullest, to have limitless possibility and cast aside her mortal coils.” He drawled, snickering. “Oh, I gave it to her too. With a cleverly placed clause of my own, of course.”
Rosie starred at him, unsmiling. He was still chuckling to himself over his own antics, he didn’t notice.
“You’re joking, right?” She asked him, serious.
His chuckling subsided, noticing her stark lack of humor.
“Tell me, you’re joking, Alastor.” Rosie said. “You did not make a deal with a human soul that involved the lengthening of their lifespan.”
Alastor straightened, defensive now.
“What’s the big deal?” He asked. “She’s…human. She’ll grow tired of it soon enough; if she doesn’t go mad and-“ He pointed a finger, stopping Rosie from interrupting. “I added quite a nasty catch to the deal that makes it so she can never be remembered. By anyone. She’s left to wander the rest of her days utterly and completely alone. She’ll fold.” He smirked.
“I don’t know…” Rosie began, “That might work…”
He was becoming agitated.
“I’m not trying to…undermine you.” Rosie carefully explained. “It’s just…for a human to live a life beyond what is allotted, that takes power to do, Alastor. Power that will be directly coming from you. And, a pure soul…that’s something very different from making deals with sinners or demons.”
He was smiling, but he wasn’t happy.
“Look,” Rosie said, backing off. “I’m sure you’ve got it all under control. You are a powerful Overlord, you’ve got plenty of power to work with that’s for sure. And, I’ll admit…it is a very tempting prospect, it could turn into being a very profitable investment to you.”
He started to relax, his smile coming back as more genuine now.
“Oh.” He said. “I think this deal will be very rewarding.”
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Chapter 4
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notherpuppet · 3 months
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This is my headcanon for what happened while Rosie was talking to Charlie
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dungeons-and-dictions · 4 months
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My new headcanon is that Karens become Susans in Hell.
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jieloksworld · 2 months
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susan is such a bitch even alastor's mic is pissed off
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auntie-rosie1920 · 3 months
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@official-alastor
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nunalastor · 3 months
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source
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convolutedblasphemy · 3 months
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Part 4 — the Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week special centered around our favorite aroace demon! All the ones that include Vox were inspired by @onesidedradiostatic's very entertaining posts snnxnsndn
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wazzi2ya · 3 months
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Hazbin Hotel (+ 1 Helluva Boss) as Reductress Headlines
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elsa-fogen · 1 month
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Alastor's apologising (part 1)
It happens after this and before this
Part 2
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susan doesn't have wiki page lol, no colors for her jddlfhskdhsfsk
It's gonna be... bore than one part in between first and last one. Maybe 3, inclusing this. I hope there won't be more.... for something that shouldn't have continuation, this thing has awfully many parts
fire can hurt him while he's moving as a shadow because it's, like, LIGHT. And light and shadows don't mix together very well. Alastor did not know that. Nobody knew (and knows) (he never told susan how much damage she caused).
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alteregozowie · 2 months
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This actually happened to me at work while I was helping another store 😂
Bet her ass was named Susan too....
Dialog:
Susan: Who are you? You live here?
Al: Susan....you ask me this every time. NO. I'm just visiting Rosie-
Susan: Then I don't have to get to know you.
Rosie: No- Alastor! Don't you dare! (I just had the wall put back in!
Al: bUt Im hUnGRy....
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drag0nashes · 3 months
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Al hates Susan so much that even his radio on a stick is pissed
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illiardbilliard · 2 months
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Overlord Party
(This was all just an elaborate ruse to draw Susan in a cool outfit; and to include my headcanon that Angel Dust is the only person at the hotel that Susan likes)
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dazelvel · 1 month
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"Go get your man Mary"
Susan's advice
Part two is gonna be great 👀
Part 2
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dungeons-and-dictions · 3 months
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Alastor despises Susan, and dislikes Vaggie.
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So, he dresses Vaggie like Susan (but fancy) as a very discreet insult during his reprise sequence in the pilot. I just noticed this.
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vhampirtea · 3 months
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Susan…
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jadeazora · 4 months
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Honestly, the idea that Alastor, Mr. Big, Scary Radio Demon, might have had to deal with getting heckled by a rude grandma himself before is just hilarious.
(alternatively, there were times where he wanted to just move along on with whatever business the Cannibal Colony was getting up to, and just couldn't because Susan decided to take, like, five hours arguing with everyone about it.)
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