#a few funky little thoughts on the death of her mama !

[reignyra]

𝖒𝖊𝖙𝖆.       REGARDING  MY  DEAREST  MOTHER’S  DEATHBED.

         𝕾he’d witnessed the sheets,  folded in on one another,  rolled sloppily into manageable armfuls,   bloodied and stained.   she watched with discerning eyes as maids took them out to be burned.  she did not see the body,   and so in her dreams,  rather,   nightmares,   there was none   ––   only a pool of crimson filling her mother’s bed,  pouring over the sides and moving like snakes along the stone floors.  her mother lost her shape,   a carcass of liquid and bone carrying a small corpse within the carnage,   a thing with scales and outstretched hands.  the vision was difficult to comprehend,  but it plagued her nonetheless,  and it came in waves of varying degrees of legibility; 

AT  TIMES  SHE  SAW  A  VOID,   big and red and black and deeply rooted,  a dark circle obscuring the final resting place of her mother,  swallowing the sound of her screams and wrenching sobs. 

OTHER  TIMES  A  MASS  OF  MEAT,   rotten and undefined,  representing no clearly identifiable body part,  stacked atop one another and swarmed by flies and hands of maids alike which clawed and nested within the gore,  the hands searching for a babe,  the flies laying their own.  

THE  WORST  SIGHT  WAS  THE  MOST  FREQUENT,   a dragon carved cleanly in two,  overtaking the bed and filling the room to its brim with overwhelming stench and stillness.  the wings were much too heavy to hold,  so nurses collapsed beneath them,  crawling desperately but unsuccessfully to escape the trap of suffocation.  there were cracks in the stone floor where the dragon’s claws had reached out for a chance at hope,  fruitless efforts in the wake of its own terror.  for all its strength and fervor,   it would succumb.  for all the awe rhaenyra herself would hold for the beauty of dragons,  nothing could stop the intervention of the blade from someone you thought you could trust.     

  [            EVEN   A   DRAGON  MIGHT  FALL  TO  FALSE  HOPE.            ]

           the lack of a body in rhaenyra’s mind made her mother into a sort of fiction,   one which only grew more loosely boned and grandiose as the years trudged onwards.  she became conflated,  at times,  with the dragons   ––   it was easy to allow targaryen and dragon alike to find kinship in anyone’s imagination,  but this was an unwilling and compulsory combination of body parts and minds.  as rhaenyra reached the dawn of her own death,  the end of her own life,  she found that her memories were rather like paintings dropped in the sea,  muddied and blurred.  her mother’s face was one of scales and deformities akin to the very dragon which burned her.  she was no longer a person;   neither,  then,  was  rhaenyra.

#tbt // #family death cw #child death cw #hi ... this is only decent and more poetic than informative but #a few funky little thoughts on the death of her mama !

[blissfulbroadway]

Alfred Nathaniel Hallam III Headcanons!!!

YES his name is Alfred Nathaniel Hallam yes he is a third no I do not take criticism

Childhood:

- Alfie got pneumonia as an infant. It messed up his lungs A Lot and affected his immune system and stuff as well so as a child he was constantly sick. 

- He was in and out of hospital a lot and had a few surgeries so he was always on bed rest and isolated to everyone until he was about four years old. 

- All of his medical issues caused his mum, Elizabeth Hallam, to dote on him a lot and suffocate him a bit. His father, Alfred Hallam II was the opposite and became pretty detached from being a father figure to Alfie. 

- At a very young age, Alfred was introduced to stories since he couldn’t go anywhere. He was constantly reading in bed and learning often. Also his father made him study German just for funsies. 

- His grandfather Wally, or Alfred Hallam I, introduced Alfred to Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland when he was three. Wally re-enacted the story to him in hospital a lot, and it inspired Alfred to fall in love with the story and take on the characters as his own. Wally got him his own copy after an especially difficult surgery, as well as a stuffed rabbit called Baby because he’s a three year old and it’s his little baby bunny :-) (he still ends up traveling with it as an adult and can’t leave without him). 

- Around that time, his parents had his little brother, Elias (named after their mum) to be a backup plan or new start because they didn’t think Alfred would be much worth to them in the future. Yes they are shitty I know :/ 

- His parents have very very very high expectations for him because he’s now the older brother who has to do everything and he’s not their spoiled sick baby boy. They let Eli be a little shit and do anything he wants (like any little sibling but multiplied by like 10) while Alfie was expected to be the perfect child who dressed, acted, looked, and spoke the way they wanted. 

- Alfie and his parents are very posh sounding because they live in Bromley, but he has a slight northern twang because of his grandfather. His parents hate it. 

- When he’s four years old, after a long period of bedrest, Alfred is allowed to play alone outside, and he meets Alice. They refer to that day as their Golden Afternoon because it was the day they became the best of friends, and Alfred introduced Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland to her. (At first Alice was probably like Who are you and what are you doing in my backyard and Alfred is just SO EXCITED to introduce his favorite storybook in his entire existence so she budges and let’s him share his world with her)

- Alfie is a huge bookworm and while he adores learning and reading, his infatuation for learning mathematics (mostly so he could impress his father and maybe he would love him more if he knew “Big Kid Things” yes I know 🥺🥺🥺) manifested into an obsession with time, as well as the fear of being late or running out of time. He was surrounded by the idea of death from a young age and it influenced the way he thought about himself and what might happen to him if he didn’t listen to his parents. Their pressure brought out his anxiety disorder and depression at a very young age and it sticks with him throughout the rest of his life. His escape from all that death and sadness was Alice’s Adventures because he could always reset the clock at the end of the book and start again. 

- When he’s five, Alfie spends some of his rich kid allowance on a copy of Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland for Alice, and in return she buys him a pocket watch a few years later. He adores it and never ever takes it off even as an adult. 

- Alfred avoids his own home a lot and spends time with Alice in their conjoined backyard, playing pretend and acting out their story together. Sometimes, they spent the days inside her house (Mama Hallam is good friends with the Spencer parents, so she doesn’t mind them watching Alfie) and Alfred is well acquainted with Mr. and Mrs. Spencer enough where he considers them paternal figures...sort of. (Mr. Spencer is lowkey highkey Alfred’s bisexual awakening, and he’s one of Alfred’s first crushes; it doesn’t help that his own father constantly criticizes him and his interests or is absent from his life doing slimy rich man things. Daddy issues.)

- Mr. Spencer is a book lover (possibly librarian? Also sometimes professor :-)) and so he’s constantly discussing stories with Alfred and Alice on an intellectual level fit for the both of them. Most adults treat them like small children, so Alfred loves the attention. 

- When Mr. Spencer dies in their early teenagehood, Alice and Alfred get incredibly attached to their storybook, and they find more comfort in it than ever. His death launched Alfred’s struggles with eating and sleeping, as well. 

- This is one of the harder periods of time for Alfred, as he and Alice didn’t have any friends aside from each other. They’re incredibly codependent on one another. 

- Mamie Van Eysen flirts with Alfred a lot during this time, but only as a joke. Either that, or she makes fun of his body and his personality—both in front of Alice, to make Alfred uncomfortable and Alice jealous. Other students bully him and Alice often. 

- A lot of Alfie’s self image issues stem from this time, and his anxiety and depression worsen. 

- When Alice’s mum dies when they’re fifteen, the pair runs away together. Alice almost gets assaulted, and Alfred wants to protect her. He gets into a giant fistfight with the older man. It’s bad enough to the point where the man is arrested and Alfred is hospitalized; it’s the hardest period he’s ever spent in hospital, even after all of his childhood issues. The police bring Alice and Alfred home and Alfred is banned from visiting Alice for a while. They communicate by speaking through the windows straight across from one another, or holding up signs from the window seats. While Alfred is healing, Mama Hallam is extra overbearing and critical to the point of being toxic and unhealthy for Alfred. His brother gets really mean around this time, too, as he doesn’t get the attention he once had. His and Alfred’s relationship get really rocky, and it’s never really mended in the future. 

- The day Alice and Alfred can officially reunite, they never separate and they’re stuck at the hip from this point forward. 

- When Alfred isn’t hanging out with Alice, he is at his grandfather’s hat shop, helping him stock or sell products. He puts his money towards a secret emergency fund in case he runs away again—this time without Alice. Alfred can never get past the front door, though. 

University:

- When they reach uni, Alfie majors in mathematics and education, and minors in literature and statistics. He finds joy and love in his studies again, even if school itself affects his mental health. 

- Alfred doesn’t want to be dependent on his parents, so he gets a job at a coffee shop and writes essays on the side for money. His caffeine addiction is dangerous at this point, and he often finds himself not eating or sleeping until it’s physically impossible not to take care of himself. 

- Alfred puts all of his money towards renting an apartment with none other than Miss Tabatha Dedwin!!

- He and Tabbie are flatmates. Since Tabbie is best friends with Dodgy Dawkins, he meets him, as well. They’re friends for good after that, and that’s when Alfred starts to wind down, smoking with them, as well as his Alice. 

Adulthood:

- After university, Alfred gets official treatment and is able to change his eating habits and caffeine addiction. 

- Alfred learns about emotional support animals and gets a Giant Flemish Rabbit named Ollie to be his support animal. He’s giant and blue-eyed and looks like the spitting image of Alfred’s beloved White Rabbit. He’s a cutie. 

- Alfred also did a little bit of gardening when he was getting treatment, and once he’s home he gets all sorts of plants and becomes a Plant Dad (with lots of research, of course!)

- In his mid twenties, Alfred finishes his extra schooling and becomes a primary school teacher. He blossoms into a happy, mostly healthy bisexual man with lots of plants and a sweet pet bunny and he wears funky disastrous outfits and has an amazing support system!!! (Alice, Wally, Tabs, and Dodgy :-) also Wally’s lover Denny the carpenter who comes out to Alfred when he’s an adult. He’s super shook but he gets even closer to Wally because they’re more similar than he believed)

- When he’s prob like 30 he goes to more school and becomes a university professor in the end of his years! Depending on who he ends up with he possibly has a few kids and a bunny and life is good!!! He’s teaching and learning constantly and it’s the life he’s always wanted even if his parents never accept his Christmas cards and his brother doesn’t answer his calls. He’s happier than he’s ever been. 

- Also don’t tell Sage but when Alfie’s older his health problems catch up to him and he dies a relatively young death due to complications with his lungs :-( rip to my main man Alf

Little Headcanons:

- Alfie is the Biggest animal person besides maybe Tabbie. The ONLY exception is geese because one time he tried to feed a goose was brutally attacked by a goose and is afraid of them. He prob does birdwatching in his free time too 

- Alfred’s fashion is HORRENDOUS @dodgefred and I made it up forever ago that he was a fashion disaster and ofc Colton’s costume...moving on. The reasoning for his fashion is he just picks pieces that make him happy that day and he sticks with it it doesn’t matter if he matches he’s just vibing.

- He reads his kids bedtime stories and he’s so devoted to being the father his own dad never ever was - When he becomes a professor it’s probably to teach Calculus and while his class makes people cry Very Often Alfie as a teacher himself is very very empathetic and comforting and yeah math is a bitch but he’ll take time out of his lunch breaks and extends his office hours way past the set time to help a student!!! He’s such a comfort to LGBT+ students and he probably has a few he discusses gay discourse in literature with (Tabbie absolutely introduced him to lesbian literature also also this isn’t a Tabs post but she stans Shakespeare :-)). Professor Alfie is the weird quirky prof. who stresses you out sometimes but also he goes on long tangents about his interests and how much he loves his significant other or children or baby bunny child Ollie!! He has so many plants and books in his classroom too it’s a Lot.

- Wayyyyy into theatre but he didn’t pursue acting onstage because his dad is homophobic :/ but he was in charge of lighting in school productions and fell in love with the stage

- He helps his friends study by acting out their textbooks for them and they always always ace their tests

- MUG COLLECTOR!!! He has so many mugs it’s not even funny his entire cupboard is taken over by them honestly 

- Virgin who can’t drive 

- Such a cursed and baseless hc I’m So Sorry but his first crush was the tomato from Veggie Tales 

- Going off the last point he grew up in a Catholic household and he had one of those mums who was like you are Not allowed to watch tv unless it’s like. Veggie Tales or the Little Einsteins

- Alfie plays piano!!!! Also he did ballet when he was younger but he left because it was super bad for his mental and physical wellbeing and is convinced he’s a bad dancer because of his poor experience with the art

- Alice calls Alfred her Bunnie and he calls her My Alice/Allie/Allie Cakes

The end :-)

#alice by heart #alice by heart musical #ABH #abh musical #alice in wonderland #alfred hallam #alfie hallam #alice spencer #tabatha dedwin #tabbie dedwin #dodgy dawkins #this is the hill im dying on #thank you

[yourdeepestfathoms]

Six Pokémon AU

some teams are missing Pokémon because the site i used has yet to update with the Sword and Shield Pokémon so bear with me

Catherine of Aragon

Nicknames and genders: Tempest (female); Queenie (female); Gryffindor (male); Scarlet (female); Bishop (male); Foggy (female)

Tempest is Aragon’s partner. She’s raised her ever since she was a Shinx. They’ve been together all through Aragon’s run as queen.

Scarlet is like Aragon’s second-in-command. Aragon got her as a gift when she was just a Litleo and evolved her into a Pyroar. She and Tempest are inseparable.

The first Pokémon Aragon caught after reincarnation was Queenie, who she just...vibed with. She really liked the Vespiquen’s aura and wanted to add her to the team. And she did!

Gryffindor was named by Cathy, if you couldn’t tell

Anne Boleyn

Nicknames and genders: Bandit (male); Splendid (female); Hokey Pokey (female); Frisk (male); Screech (female); Booboo (male)

Bandit is Anne’s partner. They met when Anne was still very young. He comforted her when she moved to the kingdom and kept her safe.

That being said, Bandit is fiercely protective of Anne

Anne, during a show: And now, Screech!!

Screech, at max volume:

*screeches*

Anne: That’s my girl!!

At least one of her Pokémon are dancing with her

Jane Seymour

Nicknames and genders: Lady (female); Honey (female); Morgana (female); Jewel (female); Nessie (female); Sire (male)

Lady is Jane’s partner.

Lady lost her baby, so she doesn’t have a little Kangaskhan in her pouch.

So she was really protective of Jane when she got pregnant because she didn’t want her human to lose her baby, too.

What a shame that it wasn’t the baby that was lost

Lady stayed alive for a little while after Jane’s death and took care of Edward until her passing.

Honey and Jewel were found together by Lady and Jane when they were just a Sewaddle and Ralts. Jane and Lady raised them and evolved them, so they’re all really close.

After reincarnation, Honey and Jewel got reunited with Jane and Lady. It was very heartwarming

Sire is Jane’s big boy

She loves him so much

Anna of Cleves

Nicknames and genders: Pixie (male); Livewire (male); Ruby (female); Umber (male); Camelot (male); Atlas (female)

Pixie is Cleves’ partner. They became a team when Pixie was a Herdier.

Cleves had several other dog Pokémon, but, unfortunately, Livewire and Ruby were the only ones who made it through reincarnation.

None of her horse Pokémon came back, so when she saw Umber trotting around the nearby park and causing disruptions, she knew she HAD to have him

Camelot is just a babey

He’s heavy but Cleves carries him anyway

Cleves loves Atlas’ attitude

Where does she store all that sass

(Her claws)

Katherine Howard

Nicknames and genders: Duchess (female); Magnificent (female); Dazzling (female); Tulip (female); Wolfie (female); Octavia (female)

Duchess is Katherine’s partner and never evolved because Katherine lowkey was afraid she wouldn’t like her anymore once she becomes a Purugly.

Which is fine for Duchess tbh not evolving doesn’t bother her

After Katherine’s death, Duchess was sold, but died because she stopped eating due to grief over the loss of her trainer.

Them reuniting was very tearful.

Also yeah all of Katherine’s Pokémon are female

She can’t wait until Octavia evolves

Catherine Parr

Nicknames and genders: Clearsight (female); Mastermind (genderless); Dreamcatcher (male); Solar Flare (genderless); Sepia (female); Ballerina (female)

Clearsight is Parr’s partner. She was already a Noctowl when they met, so Parr didn’t evolve her from a Hoothoot. Still, they’re very close.

Parr thinks Mastermind and Solae Flare are very intriguing, so she does a lot of research on them.

She isn’t big on Pokémon battles, but Sepia is her strongest Pokémon

Dreamcatcher sometimes will just curl up on her head and it’s pretty damn cute

Ballerina likes to be out during performances so she can dance

Bessie

Nicknames and genders: Flower (female); King (male); Kohga (male); Caliburn (female); Ombré (female); Ophelia (female)

Flower is Bessie’s partner. The two met when Bessie was being sent to London for Aragon’s wedding. The carriage was destroyed during a storm and the Absol had sheltered the young eleven year old. Since then, they’ve been a team.

Many people were scared of Flower, since Absols were said to being bad omens. Some say she’s why Aragon could never deliver a live male heir.

Aragon let Bessie keep Flower around because she was so weak for her young lady in waiting and Flower wasn’t hurting anyone, despite the suspicions.

However, when Bessie was exiled, Flower and Bessie were separated and never saw each other again, even after Bessie returned to court. Flower had been culled.

Their reunion was even more tearful than Katherine and Duchess’

King was one of Henry’s Pokémon, but Bessie still took him anyway. Because she believed he was good, despite his trainer.

He has some anger problems, but is truly a good Pokémon and is fiercely protective of Bessie.

He will literally inspect any new Pokémon that get added to the team.

Ombré and Ophelia were a buy one get one free deal. They came together as a Venipede and Stunky. Someone at a train station was literally fucking selling them from cages and Bessie felt so bad for them, so she immediately took them in.

Caliburn hatched from an egg that Bessie was given. Bessie didn’t think she had the ability to take care of a baby Pokémon, but she absolutely fell in love with Caliburn the moment she hatched in her arms.

During shows, Bessie would have to leave the egg unattended and that made her so anxious that the baby might hatch without her there.

And since baby Pokémon get attached to whoever they see first, this little Axew thought Bessie was her mama 🥺🥺

Bessie cried

Maria

Nicknames and genders: [not listed- Raboot] Blister (female); [not listed- Rillaboom] Jambu (male); Hamlet (male); Vertigo (male); Borderline (female); Bentley (male)

Both Blister and Jambu are Maria’s partners. She got them both when her parents surprised her with them when she was a little girl and they were just a Scorbunny and Grookey.

She caught Hamlet shortly after reincarnation because he was just so funky!!

She got Bentley through trading and thought he was just So Cool

Borderline is a little distant, but Maria is trying to bond with her more often

Maggie

Nicknames and genders: Azura (female); [Not listed- Amped Toxtricity] Alto (female); Fidget (female); Bo (female); Fathom (male); Mangrove (male)

Technically, Alto is Maggie’s partner. They’ve been together ever since she was just a Toxel.

Then Maggie met Azura and the three of them were a team.

But after Alto evolved into an amped Toxtricity, she and Maggie grew distant, since Maggie had been expecting a low key Toxtricity. And Alto attitude was very hard to get along with.

Speaking of attitude, Alto sometimes straight up refuses to obey Maggie. Like, Maggie tells her to use Thunderbolt, Alto will use Venshock. Or she’ll come out of her PokéBall without being sent out or called.

Because of this, Maggie is trying to keep her inside her PokéBall as much as possible.

After Anne’s death, Bo came along. And Maggie, who was still mourning, thought this ghost type was the spirit of Anne, hence her name.

Joan

Nicknames and genders: [Not listed- Sobble] Indigo (male); Hyde (female); Tenor (male); Grandeur (male); Fatigue (female); Glorybringer/Glory (female)

None of these six were Joan’s original partner, who didn’t seem to come back after reincarnation.

However, in her second life, Indigo is Joan’s partner. She found him out in the cold behind the theater.

When she first came across Tenor she KNEW she needed him.

She caught Hyde while away on a trip because it was cold outside and Hyde just looked like she was freezing. So she snuck her into her hotel room and fed her and when she woke up the next morning, Hyde was curled up with her on the bed. She knew she had to have her on her team.

Except Hyde causes some problems because the two heads fight a lot. And when they fight, it’s vey loud. So Joan gets even less sleep.

So she caught Fatigue! And everyone warned her about Drowzees and Hypnos, but Joan ignored it. She loves her Drowzee!

Fatigue does her best to help her trainer sleep.

Then we got little Grandeur! He was brought back to life from a fossil.

He’s just a babey 🥺🥺

And, finally, Glorybringer! Glory for short

Joan first saw Glory being mistreated by her trainer during a performance (he was mainly pulling on her ears) and confronted him about it after the show.

Glory was so moved by her helping that she ran all the way back to the theater a few days later to find Joan after escaping her trainer.

Joan immediately took her in

Joan never makes Glory battle unless she wants to. Usually, she’ll just hold her and they’ll watch.

(Glory loves being held)

#pokemon au #six the musical #six the musical au #catherine of aragon #anne boleyn #jane seymour #anna of cleves #katherine howard #catherine parr #bessie on the bass #maria on the drums #maggie on the guitar #joan on the keys

[staticscreenwriting]

Until we say goodbye || two

Warning! This multipart story takes place after the events of season 3. There’s huge spoilers already in the synopsis down below. I warned you.

Synopsis: (Y/N) Hargrove has to come to terms with the fact that her twin brother is dead and she had to watch him die, unable to do anything about it. There is something she can do for him now though and that’s keeping a promise. The promise to go back home to California. Together. In order to drive cross country and spread Billy’s ashes in a place where the Hargrove kids used to be happy, (Y/N) enlists the help of Steve Harrington. Steve Harrington who decides that it’s time to break out from his parents expectations and be the person he always wanted to be.

This time on “Until we say goodbye”: The teens stay at a quirky motel. Steve talks to mama Harrington and (Y/N) give us a look into her childhood.

(caution: mention of death, emotional abuse, slight mention of physical abuse, mention of alcohol // if you need me to tag any other possible triggers let me know)

One // 

Part 2 of ?

[additional note: I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please.]

Help a girl out with a reblog, thank you ♥

And if we hit on troubled water

I’ll be the one to keep you warm and safe

And we’ll be carrying each other

Until we say goodbye on our dying day

A cool breeze is blowing past (Y/N) as she sits on edge of the old abandoned lifeguard tower, feet dangling in the air. She’s well aware of the fact that the wind is making a mess of her hair, leaving it a tangled mess. She doesn’t really give a shit though.

The beach is practically deserted except for her and the couple strolling by the shore, throwing sticks for their puppy every once in a while. They seem so happy, as if nothing matters but them and their dog and the ocean.

Her thoughts wander towards Pumpkin, the little Jack Russell puppy they adopted a few years ago when dad was dating this woman named Laura. Laura loved dogs and dad loved Laura and so when she moved in, so did Pumpkin.

(Y/N) loved that stupid dog, hell even Billy did. But like all good things in the Hargrove’s life, this one didn’t last very long either. Dad messed up his relationship with Laura and Laura was smart enough to get the fuck out and take Pumpkin with her. 

The thumping of boots against the wooden planks of the lifeguard tower, pulls (Y/N) back from her trip down memory lane. 

Billy plops down next to her, fumbling a cigarette from the pocket of his denim jacket and lighting it. He’s started smoking a few months ago, just after the twins 13th birthday. Dad was really mad when he found that first cigarette hole in the carpet of their room. 

“ Why are you here ? ‘s about to storm “ Billy mumbles around the cigarette dangling from the corner of his lips.

“ Dad’s being as asshole “ 

“ As per usual “ Billy scoffs, “ what happened ? “ 

“ He found out that I pierced my ears, said I look like a slut. “ 

The words still sting even now that she repeats them to her brother. (Y/N) doesn’t think it’s something a father should say, especially to his daughter. It’s just earrings, what’s the big deal ? 

It doesn’t make her a slut. Right ? 

“ What the fuck does he know. He still lives in 1971 with his ugly ass mustache“ Billy jokes, effectively getting a laugh from his twin sister. 

“ You know what the worst part is ? “ (Y/N) asks.

“ Hmm ? “ 

“ I think my ears might be infected. They burn like hell. “ 

“ Ya know what ? That’s your own damn fault. I told you using Galliano liqueur was not the best way to sanitize the needle. “ 

(Y/N) chuckles, nodding her head in agreement. “ Yeah, you were right, I admit it “.

“ Good. “ 

She turns to look at her brother. His hair is growing longer now, the curls sitting messily on his head reminding her of crashing waves during a thunderstorm.

Dad hates that Billy is growing his hair and and (Y/N) is fairly sure that’s part of the reason why Billy likes his hair so much. Everything that pisses off their dad is a good think in Billy’s book.

“ Still think you should’ve let me pierce one of your ears. Would’ve looked damn cool. “ she says, teasing smirk playing on her lips.

Billy shakes his head, curls bouncing from the motion. He’s mirroring her smirk though.

“ No fucking way. Never. “ 

(Y/N) finger plays with the tiny silver spike dangling from her ear as her eyes focus on the scenery passing by the window. There’s not a lot to see really, it’s almost pitch black outside. They’re on the road for about an hour and a half now but Steve keeps bringing up stopping.

He’s tired, (Y/N) can tell. Tired and still a bit freaked out by the whole situation.

“ So Terre Haute is coming up at I think we should see if we can find a place to stay the night, then stock up on food and gas tomorrow morning and drive through the entire day “.

Steve speaks up, more of a monologue than anything else. (Y/N) doesn’t mind how long the journey takes as long as they get to California in the end. She doesn’t mind stopping for the night. Doesn’t mind the occasional food or toilet breaks. Leaving Hawkins behind already feels liberating. 

Every mile they put between themselves and that fucking town feels like a weight lifted off her shoulder.

“ Alright, sounds good to me. We gotta find a cheap place though, I don’t have a lot of cash with me “.

“ S’alright I got it “ Steve exclaims.

“ I don’t need your charity, Harrington, “ (Y/N) snaps at him. Maybe it’s a Hargrove thing, being bad at accepting help from other people. From basically strangers.

For the biggest part of her life, (Y/N) only had Billy to depend on. Now that he’s gone it feels absolutely terrifying putting her trust in someone else.

“ Sorry I — that’s not what I meant. “ 

“ No, “ (Y/N) sighs “ I’m sorry for snapping. I know what you meant. It’s okay. “ 

There’s a thick awkward tension filling the car and (Y/N) absolutely hates it. 

“ Can I turn on the radio ? “ she asks motioning towards it. 

Steve nods in agreement. “ There should still be a mixtape in the player. “

With the push of a button the opening chords to Mötley Crües ‘Shout at the devil’ echo through the vehicle, making (Y/N) raise her eyebrows in surprise.

“ Steve Harrington, I did not expect you to listen to this kind of music “.

Steve just shrugs “ why not ? I like all kinds of music. “ 

“ Steve Harrington, Hawkins’ golden boy listening to the Devil’s music. That’s a surprise. “ 

“ Golden boy, “ Steve scoffs “ yeah right. I just about graduated High School. I didn’t get into college. I work at a video store and my own dad thinks I’m goddamn loser. “ 

“ You wanna talk about shitty dads ? Cause let me tell you, I’ll win that one. “ 

It’s quiet for a moment, before Steve clears his throat and speaks up again.

“ Can I ask you something ? “ 

“ Mmh “ 

“ What did they tell your dad happened ? Did they — did they really tell him that whole fire bullshit ? “ 

“ Yup. “ 

“ And he believed it ? “ 

(Y/N) nods. “ He did. He has no reason not to “.

The fire story. Authorities told Neil and elaborate story about how Billy died in a tragic accident in the big fire at Starcourt mall. Something about wrong place wrong time.

(Y/N) was there when they told him. Susan was crying hysterically. Max was — numb. Neil though. Neil didn’t even flinch. There was no sign of emotion. No sign of grieve. Nothing. Nothing at all.

“ I don’t think he gives a shit either, to be honest. “ 

“ That’s horrible. “ Steve exclaims.

“ That’s my dad for ya. “ 

Steve’s BMW rolls up to the parking lot of the Cardinal Inn Motel. It’s a small Motel complex and it looks like it’s seen better days. The walls are a dirty white, almost gray color and all doors are painted a bright red although most of the paint is chipping off. 

The kids enter the motel lobby, a small room decked out in all kinds of kitschy decor. There’s cross stitch art and paintings and decorative throw pillows. And all if it proudly features various images of a red cardinal bird. 

“ Welcome to the Cardinal Inn Motel. “ a chipper voice speaks up from behind the reception desk. “ I’m Ruth, how can I help ya ? “ 

Ruth is a plump little woman with a kind smile, round cheeks and extremely curly ginger hair. She looks more like a caricature than an actual person. Though (Y/N) thinks she fits this place perfectly. 

“ We would like twooo — ? “ Steve trails off and glances towards (Y/N) in question.

“ One “ 

“ — one room. With two beds though “. 

“ Oh sure sure. Let me see. It’s 32 $ for a night. “ Ruth says and opens a book, probably looking up which rooms are occupied and which rooms are free. She walks towards a board holding a lot of keys and takes one of handing it to Steve.

“ This is your room key, It’s number 44. When you step outside, the room is located in the building to your right. It’s on the first floor, first door once you walk up the stairs. I would have to ask for a down payment though. Just in case. “ 

Steve hastily pulls out a bundle of cash from his jeans, counting the right amount and handing it to Ruth. “ That’s the entire amount, we’re only staying for one night “.

“ Very well then. I hope you have a pleasant stay at the Cardinal Inn. “ Ruth chirps almost like a bird herself.

“ Thanks “ Steve says and walks towards the door.

(Y/N) stays rooted though, eyes wandering around the room from one red bird to the next to the next. 

“ Hey Ruth, “ she chimes up.

“ Yes, dear ? “ 

“ What’s with the birds ? “

“ Oh the cardinal ? That’s Indiana’s state bird. “ 

“ They’re funky looking little guys, huh ? “ 

“ Truly. They’re also very interesting. If you want to learn about them, they’re an informational brochure in every room. “ 

(Y/N) gives Ruth a soft smile then rushes after Steve, out into the chilly night air.

“ Knight Rider, really Harrington ? “ 

Steve sits up from his slumped position on the bed as (Y/N) comes back from the bathroom, freshly showered and dressed in her pyjamas. A choice of pyjamas she thoroughly regrets now as the cool air inside the motel room hits the skin of her legs. 

She’s dressed in a pair of short red pj pants and one of Billy’s old band shirts. One she’s stolen from his closet after — the incident. It smells like him. Makes her feel like he’s still there.

“ What, It’s good. “ 

“ It’s so stupid. It’s a talking car. “ 

“ Okay, whatever. You keep on hating but I tell you this show is gonna last forever and it’s gonna win all the awards. Trust me. “ 

“ Mmmh. Sure. Shower’s yours. “ 

Steve gathers some of his stuff from his duffle bag and moves towards the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

As she is left alone in the room, the gravity of it all comes crashing down on (Y/N). This is it. That trip she wanted to go on with Billy. That trip they had fantasized about since the moment they left California. 

Now it’s happening but it doesn’t feel right. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. With Billy in a thermos. With Billy — dead.

The room suddenly feels too small. Like the walls are gonna close in on her any second now. She needs air. Fresh air. Needs to get out of here. Now. Now.

So she does.

Slips on her shoes and the room key and dashes out through the door and into the night. It’s cold. Way too cold for the amount of clothing she’s wearing or not wearing depending on how you see it. 

For a while all she does is walk up and down the road, wishing she had remembered to take her pack of smokes with her. 

When it gets too cold though, she spots a neon sign in one of the windows of the Lobby building. “Souvenirs”.

She wonders if all of those souvenirs have red birds on them.

They don’t. Most of them do, but not all of them. A lot of them display what she can only assume are important buildings of  the city of Terre Haute, Indiana.

(Y/N) remembers the few trips she used to take with her mom and Billy, when they were just little kids. Mom loved to take them to the little quirky little towns across the coast and the kids loved exploring them. Billy always got a postcard, from every single place. (Y/N) got keychains. She still has a box of them stuffed beneath her bed at home. 

Her eyes wander around the room before they fall onto a display of all kinds of different postcards. Most of them, as expected, have birds on them. Though there’s one that doesn’t. It says “Terre Haute” in big bold letters. It reminds her of the ones Billy used to get from those coastal towns. 

Greetings from … the few happy childhood memories she can remember.

(Y/N) takes the card over towards the reception, where Ruth greets her with another of her signature Ruth smiles. Kind and warm.

“ Hi, dear. “ 

“ Hi uh — I want to buy this postcard. I can’t find a price though, ah shit I left my money up in the room let me just — “ 

Before she can hurry towards her room though, Ruth stops her.

“ It’s okay, Darling. You can have it for free. “

“ Oh no, I —  “

“ Please. You asked about the birds that pretty much the most anyone has cared about this place in a while. Take it. I want you to have it. “ 

It’s kinda sad, (Y/N) thinks. That her just asking about those silly birds made Ruth this happy. That people pay so little attention to her adorably little bird room.

“ Thank you, Ruth. That is very sweet of you. And this place is adorable. “ 

“ Thank you, dear. Do you need a stamp for that ? “

(Y/N) sighs “ No. No I don’t. “ 

The Bean is a little diner at the edge of town looking out onto the Wabash River. It’s emitting a perpetual smell of coffee and waffles and breakfast food.

Steve is munching down an entire plate of eggs and bacon. Oh to have the metabolism of a teenage boy.

(Y/N) takes another sip of her black coffee, hoping that the caffeine is gonna help keep her awake and not get too tired during their drive. After all they plan on being on the road for the entire day.

The pancakes on her plate are long forgotten. She hasn’t really been feeling like eating since it all happened. It’s like she’s acting on power saving mode. Always tired. Always sad. Always working on half speed.

“ You should eat something. You need it. “ Steve remarks.

“ Are you flirting with me ? ” 

“ I uh — what ? “ 

“ Male cardinals feed females as part of their courtship ritual. A female’s partner bears total responsibility for satisfying her dietary needs. “ 

“ How do you know this ?  “

(Y/N) smiles and takes another sip of coffee “ my friend Ruth recommended me some interesting reading material “.

She doesn’t mention that the nightmares didn’t allow her much sleep and that she spent most of the night staying up reading the informational magazine. There’s things Steve just doesn’t need to know.

“ Alriiiight. “ Steve exclaims, eyebrows raised “ Hey, what’s that. You gonna send a card home ? “ he asks and motions towards the postcard she’d been scribbling on while he had been ordering their food.

“ Nah. Not really. This one’s for someone else “.

“ Alright … hey uh. I think I should call my parents “ 

She looks up from her cup at Steve’s words. This can’t be happening. She can’t go back home now. He can’t bail on her.

“ Harrington “ 

“ Don’t look at me like that, I’m not turning around and crawling back home. I just don’t want my mom to worry. I need her to know I’m safe. “ 

That’s right, Steve has a mom too, not just an asshole dad. A mom who cared and who worries and who loves. God it’s been so long since (Y/N) had one of those.

“ Okay, yeah. But um — can you not mention my name. I don’t want any news to get to my dad. “ 

“ Of course. Yeah, no worries.“ 

“ Thanks “.

Despite what Billy always said about him, Steve seems to be an alright guy after all. His hair’s ridiculous though.

It rings once, twice, three times before someone picks up.

“ Hello ? “

“ Mom, it’s me. “ 

“ Oh god Steve. Honey where are you I’m worried sick “. 

That sends a little pang to his heart. His mother is a nice lady, she loves him deeply and she doesn’t deserve for him to worry her like that. But this is something Steve has to do, if not for (Y/N) then for himself. 

“ I’m alright mom. I’m taking a friend on a — uh a roadtrip. “ 

“ A roadtrip ?” 

“ Yea. To uh — “ his mind wanders to Billy. “ We’re going to help her brother “.

“ Okay, well are you alright ? “

No. He hasn’t been alright in a long time. Since 1983 to be completely honest.

Maybe this trip is just what he needs. A way out. An escape. 

Steve leans his head against the payphone, taking a deep breath.

“ I don’t know, mom. But I’m safe and I need to just — just get away. “ 

“ Is this because of what happened with the Holland girl ? Or the mall ?“ 

Yes. All of it. If only she knew.

“ It’s just a lot lately. Can you just trust me in this, mom. That I’m doing what’s best for me ? “ 

His mother hesitates for a moment before clearing her throat.

“ Of course I do, sweet boy. But I am a mom and I do worry. I always will. “

It warms his heart. To know someone does care and someone does love him, no matter how much he messes up.

“ I know. I love you and I’ll be back soon. I promise. I just need to do this, for me.“ 

“ Be safe, Steve “ 

“ I will. “ 

Before he hangs up he can just about make out his father’s voice in the background, asking if “that’s him” and “what’s he messed up this time ? “

And it once again becomes crystal clear why getting on the road with (Y/N) is the best decision he’s made in a long time.

He walks back over to her, as she leans against his car chewing some bright pink bubble gum.

“ You ready to head out ? “

“ Yup. Your parents mad ? “

“ No. Surprisingly not. Mom just wants me to be safe. “ 

“ Aw little Stevie. How adorable. Anyway let’s go. “

As they both settle back in their seats, Steve slides the signature dark shades back onto his nose and turns towards (Y/N). 

“ Sooo, snacks ? “ 

“ Snacks “ she nods and throws him one of her signature smirks “ definitely need some twizzlers to survive this trip “.

 “ Happy Birthday to me “ a freshly 9 year old (Y/N) mumbles as she buries her feet in the warm sand. It’s almost time for the sun to set behind the horizon and color the sky in beautiful shades of reds and pinks and oranges.

For the last 8 years this has been a moment she has shared with her mom. Every birthday the two of them would come down to the beach and watch the sunset. Just them two.

Billy had the morning to spend alone with mom, going to the beach to catch some waves, and (Y/N) got to have the evening. 

They’d sit and talk for hours and hours and hours. About everything. The silliest things.

This year she hasn’t so much as called. As if neither (Y/N) nor Billy ever existed in her life.

Billy’s been grumpy all day, refusing to spend time with his sister and deciding to go hang out with some of those stupid boys from the neighbourhood that always call (Y/N) dumb names.

(Y/N) watches the sun lower itself as if to drown the light in the dark water of the ocean, when a little plastic bag lands next to her. Just a moment later Billy drops down onto the ground too.

“ Got you some candy. Twizzlers, your favorite “ 

“ Did you steal them ? “ 

“ No, dingus. I bought them with my own money. “ 

“ Good. Means I don’t have to feel guilty when eating them. “ 

It’s silent for a moment as they sit beside each other, watching the sunset.

“ Hey I’m sorry “ Billy whispers, as if speaking any louder would mean destroying the magic of the moment.

“ It’s okay. You’re sad. I’m sad too. “ 

“ I’m not sad “ he claims “ I’m angry. So angry. “ 

“ You can be sad and angry at the same time. They’re not mutually exclusive. “ 

“ Stop using big words. “ 

“ Sorry. “ 

Billy takes a big breath “ I’ve decide “ he exclaims “ that from this moment on I’ll missing her. If she doesn’t want to come home, doesn’t want to see us. Screw her. I don’t need her and neither do you. “ 

(Y/N) knows that’s absolute bullshit but she also knows that Billy has a certain way of coping with loss and sadness and maybe she doesn’t share his ways or understand them fully but she can respect them if it means he’s less angry and less sad.

“ Okay. “ 

“ We don’t need her because we have each other “ he says, placing his hand on hers “ right ? “

In that moment, little (Y/N) knows that whatever the world is gonna throw her way, it’s only half as bad with her twin brother by her side.

“ Of course. Always “ 

If only they had known how terribly short ‘always’ would turn out to be.

_________

tags:

@sargent-barnes // 

#steve harrington imagine #steve harrington imagines #steve harrington fanfiction #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington x reader #stranger things imagines #stranger things imagine #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things fanfic

[fostertoforever]

And now for something different...

This post doesn’t really have anything to do with fostering, but it does have something to do with my life and health. And I use this blog as a way to express my thoughts and feelings about life. Mostly, my life centers around P and Baby C, but I’ve had something else on my mind for almost a year now, and perhaps if I share this story, others can give me some direction, learn from my experience, or sympathize/emphasize with this crazy health situation. I would also like to preface this post by saying there’s a lot of personal stuff in here that the fellas, in particular, may not want to read. Ladies, you’ll be fine, but unless you’re an open minded dude you might wanna sit this one out. Either way, here goes…

I’ve talked before about my infertility and the issues I’ve had with my lady parts. Basically, I’ve been told there’s no eggs in the basket and even if there is, they’re old and chances are, won’t make a baby. Boo. Anyway, this diagnosis creates another issue for me and that, my friends, is early menopause. I’m freakin 35 years old, so that’s a lot to digest. I’m 5 years into this diagnosis too, as I was told when I was just 30 years old. Since then, I have gone through hell in the female department. Without actually being pregnant, going through labor, and giving birth, as far as I’m concerned, I’ve served my sentence in the hellacious female issue department. My periods were so bad I sent myself right into anemia. I felt weak and useless. Pale and gross. Aunt Flow set up shop in my body and would stay for MONTHS. Bitch. I lost complete faith in my body and was always frustrated and…well….sad. It was a constant reminder of what my body couldn’t and wouldn’t do- reproduce. All I was producing was anger…and a lot of tears…and ya know, grossness.

So..in December 2016, I started getting a harsh, sharp pain in my left side. It took my breath away. It was so bad, it hurt to stand up, walk or sit for periods of time. I lived with a steady flow of Ibuprofen and my heating pad constantly at my side. I went to the chiropractor. I went to an urgent care clinic. This was right before Christmas, and our first Christmas with P as our adopted son, so I was determined, even though I felt like garbage, to make it a magical Christmas. But my body didn’t go for it. I remember baking Christmas cookies with P and wanting to just cry because of the pain. I finally went to my family doctor, who ran a slew of tests, XRays, and a CT Scan of my abdomen. It was concluded I had an ovarian cyst and some “concerning lymph nodes,” that could be reactive from the cyst. They referred me to my OBGYN and wished me luck.

Not seeing this as an urgent situation, two weeks later, still in pain, I go to the lady doctor, who does an ultrasound and decides “Nope, that cyst is too small and couldn’t cause this pain or those lymph nodes” and referred me back to my family doctor. She put in an IUD (worst freaking pain ever) and said that would take care of the early menopause crap (Why she hadn’t done this years ago, I’ll never know but yes, indeed, it helped!) Anyway, Christmas came and went, and my pain actually got more tolerable. Result of the IUD? Who knows. I think it was actually resting and not doing much over the holidays.

In January, after another CT Scan (#2) and blood work, I went back to my family doctor, who told me a story about her aunt having uterine cancer. Uhhhh, why was she telling me this???? With the cyst, the location of the lymph nodes, the early menopause issues, the infertility stuff, and the pain, she thought it was all uterine related and recommended a complete hysterectomy. She thought it was all GYN problem related and again, referred me BACK to my OBGYN, who again, said no, and referred me to a surgeon to do a biopsy of the lymph nodes. During this ordeal, as you know, we got the call for Baby C, and suddenly I had a newborn to take care of. My pain in my side was gone, but I was still feeling like crap most the time. Sleeplessness from a newborn? Perhaps? Or something else? So, in February, I went to the surgeon, who looked at my blood work and scans and said, “Nope, you’re fine. They’re reactive lymph nodes to lady problems, and they’ll probably clear up with time. Plus, your pain is gone, and the IUD is working, so that’s all well and good!” I was relieved and thought that was the end of it, even though I continued to feel sick and tired. I chalked it all up to having a newborn and being stressed with all foster parenting involves, and continued forward.

BUT…by March, I could barely stay awake during the day. I was sweating like crazy and was running a constant fever. I went back to my family doctor and literally cried and said, “Please figure out what is wrong with me! I’ve got two kids to take care of!" She, again, ran more tests, and another CT Scan (#3). Turns out, I had Mono. I was so grateful! I had a diagnosis! No more cancer, no more scary thoughts! This was all mono! No hysterectomy! Yes, I felt like absolute crap, but at least I knew what it was now! I struggled to finish the school year, with a newborn, a toddler, and mono. But, I was thanking God I had lunch and a plan period back to back, and my boss was ok with me taking naps in my car when I didn’t have students. I controlled the fever with Tylenol and ibuprofen, discovered a love of iced coffee and shots of espresso, and took frequent naps when I could.

By July, the mono symptoms were subsiding and I went back for a check up with my family doctor. Confident that these lymph nodes had gone away with the mono, I agreed to yet another round of tests and another CT Scan. (If you’re keeping track, this is Scan #4. Pretty soon, I might be radioactive.) Once again, it showed those concerning lymph nodes in my abdomen. Still there! My blood work was a bit funky too. And my doctor was super concerned again. She wanted a definitive diagnosis. So did I! Ugh. So, she referred me to an oncologist. I was scared just hearing the word. Oncology is cancer! Do I have cancer? Are we back to this?

A month later, again, in no hurry, not seeing any urgency in any of this, I went to the oncologist. He ordered more blood work and a CT Scan of my neck and chest. He told me he wanted to see if those concerning lymph nodes were also in other parts of my body. Plus, he said, doing a biopsy of the nodes in my abdomen would be impossible without a big surgery, and it’s much easier to biopsy lymph nodes of the neck. So, off to CT Scan #5. The results came back about a week later and my family doctor called me this time with the news. She told me “Be prepared, you might be sick, Jess.” Apparently my neck was filled with “concerning” lymph nodes, just like the ones in my abdomen. I asked if it could all be mono related and she said it wasn’t likely because the mono should’ve cleared up by then. So..back to the oncologist I go a few weeks later. He told me the same thing as my family doctor, and referred me to an ear, nose, and throat doctor to get his opinion on doing a biopsy of my neck. It’s September by this time, guys.

So, last week, I went to the ENT, who wasn’t even there. I saw his nurse practitioner, who told me that he’d talk to the doctor and get back to me on what we’d do next. I literally spent $40 copay to have him tell me he’d have to wait and talk to the doctor. Seriously. This week, a receptionist from the ENT doctor’s office called me and told me that that the actual doctor “cannot take your case right now. He thinks it is too ‘complex’ and since he only works a few days every other week, he feels you should see someone else, so they can devote more time to your case.” So, I was dumped by my local ENT. And guess what guys? There’s no other ENTs in this area!! So, I’m going to have to be referred to another ENT 1.5-2 hours away from my home. This is absolutely ridiculous.

It’s almost October and I STILL don’t have an answer. I STILL have “concerning” lymph nodes all over my body and I STILL don’t know what’s causing them! I STILL feel like crap most days, but better than I did in the depths of mono. I honestly haven’t felt like myself since November of last year. We’re going on almost ONE YEAR of this crap and I still have no answers. I’m certainly hopeful it’s NOT cancer or anything very serious that’s growing or multiplying inside me, because all of this back and forth bureaucratic doctor BS is making my head spin. I’m now waiting for this new ENT to call me with an appointment, to hopefully do the biopsy of my neck, and to hopefully, finally get a definitive diagnosis! Is this why people, who finally get a diagnosis, are already at their death bed? Or at Stage 4 Cancer? Is this really how health care in this country works? Or am I just choosing the wrong people? I certainly don’t feel like I’m dying and definitely have high hopes it’s nothing too serious, but still. It worries me my family doctor is concerned. When does this end?

In other news, I’m still reeling from last week’s incredible disappointment. I’ve been hugging and kissing my littles a lot more the last two weeks, especially Baby C, who I fear, our time together is short. It’ll all make sense in the end, I know. And I’m hoping the same goes for my health. The court system and the health care system are two things that I’m incredibly frustrated with right now, but I’m hoping and praying, it all makes sense soon. And big hugs and a very heartfelt thank you to everyone who has sent good thoughts, prayers, love, support, and alcoholic beverages my way. You guys make me smile!

Until next time, Mama Jess