#a bitch (me) hasnt had a meltdown this intense in a While and it shows :

[nyaastro]

i dontr wanna go hoje for the summer i dont wana go home i dont i dont i dont i dont

i dont even have tro stay in sf, i just do not want to go back to the house i grew up in

and i feel so fucking horrible even thinking ut but its true its true its true its one of the most genuine feelings i have ever felt with my entire bing and i dont wanna go

i havent found work yet, and i’ll admit its bc im not looking hard enough but the one thing program i wanted to do over the summer didnt accept me & i didnt get hired as an ra and im not even goung to be able to go abrod bc i missed the appeals deadline and im stupis im so stiupid i wanna die

now rational brain is telling me to stop wilding out mostly bc this entire breakdoiwn is probably on by the fact ive been by myself for about a week but also: i want to die even if i do hang aound poeple- so choke @/ me

i feel so guilty wanting things but i really do not want to go home and i think going home isnt conducive to my mental health or recovering from trauma but i cant tell my aprents that bc i knnow how bad it would make them feel and as much as i want to be able to put myself first i cant i cant i cnat b c im brown and filial piety comes first and god will kill me if im a bad child, which ive already been

and i also dont wanna go home bc my mom said she was goign to take me to some mexican psychologist man i think her and my dad have been gogin to for couples therapy and she said she wants to take me to go toalk to him bc he doesnt believe ion medication and hiokes on her bc the meds have actually helped me feel Less Bad

and i guess she doesnt get it bc i was never like “”visibly”” depressed or anxious like my brother bc i hid everything so well, i never allowed myself to have public breakdowns when i was back home bc im “high-functioning” or whatever but every feeling, both positive and negative, was repressed and i self-harmed about good things happening to me bc i wasnt quite sure how else to process what i felt

and im so lucky that i have two (2) really amazing roommates who over the course of 3 years have lowkey highkey seen me have every possible breakdown under the sun & they’re still able to put up w me and live w me

i just dont want to go home and lose my chosen fmaily and the family ive made here where i am able to be a lot more vocal about how i feel im just so,, Stressedt out about it and i literally end up giving myself a panic attack everytime i think about it  :’( 

#life post #long #a bitch (me) hasnt had a meltdown this intense in a While and it shows :/ #negative #vent post