#They would almost certainly be on the roof of the hospital shooting zombies

[whatissleepeven]

Evil Within Shitpost (Feat. Deanobeanoqueero)

It’s-...

It’s exactly what you think it is-

My bro @deanobeanoqueero is the one who got me into this series, and also finished streaming Evil Within 2 for me today. I had a lot of laughs and scares with you Dean, and I just want to say thank you for the wild ride!

(*Slaps roof of this post* this bad boi can fit so many JOKES)

Dean and Sleep’s Happy, Sunshine, Flowery Day With the Bois (Now Comes With Rainbows!)

“We’ve received a distress signal from Beacon Hospital. We’re en-route; ETA five minut-”

“Dean, bro, we’re almost there you can silently thirst for Joseph once we’re out of the car-”

The beginning cut-scene is supposed to be dramatic, but for the two rookies it’s just Sleep teasing Dean about simping for Joseph and Sebastian

Sebastian’s just trying to guess what might be happening so they can go in with a few ideas, and the absolute tomfoolery happening in the back is ruining the atmosphere

Sebastian sighs. “Can the peanut gallery pipe it down back there?”

Dean winks at him in the rear view mirror, not once missing a beat. “I don’t like peanuts, but there’s one half of that word that I certainly do like~”

Joseph nearly chokes at Dean’s words. Kidman turns to the side to stare out the window, raising a hand to hide the growing smile on her face.

“...Peas.” Dean clarifies, although the smug grin on his face spoke a thousand words. “I meant peas. I like peas. Get your heads out of the gutter, would you?”

They’ve all been working together for nearly a month, Sleep and Dean knowing each other for even longer (about three months). This sort of banter was familiar to the five of them, but-

“WE’RE HEREEE- Oh my good fuck.”

They all hop out of the car, staring up at the hospital. Dean’s scoping out the area, Kidman and Joseph are discussing something in hushed voices, Sebastian’s making his way towards the steps, and Sleep-

-is still by the car.

She laughs nervously. “With how hard this rain’s coming down, this place looks kinda...ominous, don’tcha think?”

Sebastian’s withering look makes her gulp. “It’s too late to turn back now.”

“Sleepus.” Dean says as he reappears, slapping her on the back and getting her to stumble forward. “All five of us are finally on a case together. Let’s just go in, hope nothing steals our toes, and get out so we can play that ghost game we bought.”

Sleep nods. “You’re right...FOR THE GAME!”

“Kidman, stay out here. You’re our backup.” Sebastian commands, removing his gun from its holster. “Joseph, Dean, Sleep, you’re with me. We watch each other’s backs in here.”

All three of them nod their heads, hands hovering over their respective weapons.

Sebastian opens the door. Suddenly, a high pitched noise reverberates throughout the hospital, and soon after darkness quickly overtakes them all...

Inside of STEM

Sebastian comes to with a groan, quickly finding that he’s hanging upside down.

He twists his head to either side of him, seeing the other (really, really dead) bodies tied up in the same manner. “What the-”

“-actual-”

“-fuuuuuck...”

Sebastian nearly yells once he hears the other voices. To his left hangs Dean, the rookie taking in his whereabouts with an equally analytical and disgusted look in his eyes. Further down is Sleep, swearing up a storm under her breath as she tries (and fails) to cut her rope.

“Oh this is not a vibe, bois.”

Sebastian shoots Dean an incredulous look. “Now’s not the time for-”

The butcher walks by them all, going for a- oh that’s a writhing body on a chain, how did they not notice that before, and now-

-Now it’s a non-writhing body on a chain, the sounds of a blade slicing flesh filling the air as something wet splatters against the floor. Heavy footsteps pass by them, and Sebastian tilts his head back to see a...a thing dressed as a butcher cutting up a slab of meat on the table.

Sleep swallows harshly. “Ahaha...yummm, ham...”

Dean chuckles weakly, a hand reaching for his combat knife. Sebastian would’ve smacked his own face if the sound wouldn’t alert the crazy monster in the next room.

Out of everyone he could’ve gotten stuck with...

He cuts himself free once the butcher leaves, dropping to the floor like a sack of potatoes. He staggers a bit as he stands up, the blood rush temporarily distorting his view, and quickly gets to work on Dean’s ropes.

Dean drops to the ground much like Sebastian did, except unlike the experienced detective he had someone to catch him. 

The rookie smiles up at him. “Thank you, Sebastian.”

“You’re welcome. Can you stand?” Sebastian sets Dean down once he’s sure he’s okay, cutting Sleep’s ropes with no remorse as she plummets to the floor.

She immediately stands back up, unfazed. She jabs a finger at Sebastian, eyes narrowed. “Is this payback for eating your gummy worms the other day?”

Sebastian moves past them with a crouch, swiping the key card from the other room. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

The two also drop to a crouch, following him towards a red door to the left of the hanging bodies. Heavy footfalls start growing louder, prompting them to get through the doorway as quickly as they could and shut the door behind them.

“I was hungry! You were like “Sleep; don’t eat the packing peanuts!”, and I was digesting myself, what else was I supposed to do?!” She whispers harshly as he opens the door. Sebastian gets the sudden urge to bang his head against a wall.

They all ascend the staircase, unaware of the horrors they would face...

Dean would sometimes miss all of his shotgun shots. It didn’t happen often, but he always took a second to lament his gun afterwards while Sleep patted his back

Sebastian leads the way. If there’s danger, he’d rather run into it first than Dean or Sleep

Explosions are Sleep’s jam. Th-...That’s it, send tweet.

Dean is the master of sneaky-sneaking. He always finds hidden items and ammo, pointing out little gems like a Bioshock figurine. 

“My sneaky little gremlin hands are gonna steal all of your stuff~!”

The ragtag group’s first exposure to Ruvik begins (and ends) with Sleep insulting him. “Look, I get he wants to make like My Chemical Romance and join the Black Parade, but he clearly got the wrong memo with how much white he’s wearing.”

Long walks usually end up with Dean singing a song. A favorite is “Country roaddddd, take me homeeee, to a plaaaaace, I belonggg!”

“-WEST VIRGINIAAAAA”

The two hang onto each other like they’re in a drama film, extending their arms out towards an unseen sunset. It’s very wholesome and sweet and pure.

Sebastian wants to slam his head against a wall.

Sleep whispers the Mission: Impossible theme whenever they’re sneaking up on enemies

Dean starts singing in a panicked tone whenever there’s a high-stress situation. “AHH, I love running from zombies with my brooOOOOoOoOS..!!”

Code phrases

To release tension, Dean and Sleep say “Number 15: Burger King-”

“Don’t you dare,” Sebastian cuts them off with a hiss as they sneak around a zombie wrapped in barbed wire.

- They do it anyways

They get chased

Dean likes the Lady In Red. She’s terrifying, but she’s cool despite wanting to yoink your toes!

Sleep likes the Keeper the best. He has a safe for his head; that’s awesome!

Meeting up with Joseph = immediate simp on Dean’s end

Dean likes to share theories with Joseph, helping him work on opening doors and solving puzzles. Sleep wanders around the room in that time, poking fun at Sebastian.

Dean + Sleep = Lore Goblins, the Goblins of Lore

Dean really helps keep Joseph’s suicidal ass alive and in check; also calls him Jo Jo when he wants to get his attention

Sleep does her best to protect Leslie because he’s babey

Sleep repeatedly says “I will never financially recover from this” when something goes wrong

Dean counters with “I will never emotionally recover from this” once Kidman shoots Joseph

Oh look, Ruvik’s coming to attack them in his manor? Sebastian is tense as he dodges, but Dean and Sleep-

“No no, don’t touch me there; this is, my No No Square. No no-”

“Dean, Sleep, what the fuck are you two doing-”

Once they manage to defeat Ruvik, the trio stumbles out of the hospital and immediately go back to the office to play Mario Kart (Sebastian was forced to go)

They purchase a book called How To Deal With Trauma: For Dummies and sit in a circle and read it

#us in this game would be so hilarious and so fucked #our quotey fingers are actually just quotey quotes and we're driving Seb insane if STEM hasn't already #long post #evil within #sebastian castellanos #joseph oda #juli kidman #the evil within ruvik #ruben victoriano #this shitpost is dedicated to one of the greatest friends I have #dean bro I love you and thank you for this experience #evil within spoilers #I had to sneak in a Juicy reference too #oh wow this post is long

[vikingpoteto]

we don’t have to dance (to the beat of their songs)

Chapter 3 on AO3 ______________________

Relationships:  (Gen) Tim Drake & Jason Todd

Tags: Battle for the Cowl, Alternate Canon, Adopted Sibling Relationship, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Canon-Typical Violence, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Neglect, Domestic Fluff, Canon is not valid I am, and I want them to be friends goddamnit

Summary: In the middle of their battle, Jason asks Tim to leave the nest and be his Robin. Tim decides it's not a bad idea, after all. ________________________

When the cast comes off his leg, Jason sighs in relief. Casts are a bitch and he can’t believe he survived four weeks walking around like a zombie.

And, well, he technically is a zombie, but still.

The nurse barely has time to set aside the now useless pieces of cast before Jason eagerly stretches his arm. He tries not to take offense in the patronizing smile the man gives him. Jason supposes he isn’t the person acting like having their arm in a cast is hell  — because it is — but he can go without the little smirk, thank you very much. He would’ve removed the damn thing on his own, except it’s his dominant arm stuck in the cursed thing and he didn’t want to risk any new injuries. It’s the first time in over a month that he has no major wounds. And that’s considering that the pit gave him a faster healing rate than your average Joe.

“There’s a crack here,” the nurse comments.

“Hm. I had to fight a criminal. They were annoying, so I hit them with my cast,” Jason says.

The nurse gives him a forced chuckle as though he thinks Jason is joking. Or, well, that Todd Peters is joking. He doesn’t need to know Jason’s real name or that he’s completely serious. He must be new. They’re not in Gotham, but they’re close enough that having to beat a random crook with a cast shouldn’t be that outlandish.

The annoying noise of the saw fills the room again and Jason does his best to stay put. While telling Dick to fuck off after their fight had been satisfying  — a silver lining after having his ass handed back to him, if you must  — letting himself fall to what could’ve been his second death wasn’t Jason’s smartest move. And definitely not worth having to drag his own broken ass home, ruin his wounded body even more as he struggled to change into civies. Never mind having to face the humiliation of seeking a public hospital and pretending he had somehow walked away from getting hit by a bus. That had been fun, but he would not recommend it.

“There you go,” the nurse says. “You’re free as a bird, Mr. Peters.”

Jason flexes his fingers in relief. As a bird. What a joke.

When he walks out of the hospital with a medical bill that will most certainly never get paid  — although it’s tempting to send it to Wayne Enterprises just to let them know Jason is alive and now ready to kick their asses again  — he remembers the second time someone told him he could be Robin.

It had been Tim.

He hadn’t thought about that night in quite a while, mostly because he couldn’t believe it really happened. It was before they freaking sent him to Arkham, but after Jason got rid of (most of) the green mist in his mind that had him foaming at the mouth with unchecked anger. Robin swooped in right in the middle of one of Jason’s busts and somehow managed to knock out as many criminals as he protected from lethal shots. After they were done, he had approached Jason and deadass asked him if he would consider being Robin again.

Just like that. Jason thought he was joking.

Then Tim Drake, in all his 14 year-old glory, his voice still cracking a bit, deadpanned: “I only took over because someone had to. But now that you’re back, it only makes sense that you go back to your family.”

Jason was so stunned he doesn’t remember what he said next. Probably something about shooting the kid if he caught him in his territory again. He’s pretty sure the little shit rolled his eyes at him before jumping off the roof. Jason had the distinct feeling that Bruce never heard about that small mishap.

For quite a while, Jason tried his hardest not to think about what he left in Gotham. It was hard when he was too injured to move, but books helped him through it, as always. Now, however, he was free as a robin and he has a decision to make: what is he going to do next?

The trip to the shitty motel he’s staying at takes no time at all, his feet getting him there while his mind was elsewhere. He’s thinking so hard of Gotham that at first he thinks he’s losing his marbles when he sees a familiar face. Jason freezes on his tracks.

Tim Drake is casually leaning against Jason’s door. He tilts his head to the side and cocks an eyebrow in challenge, as though letting him know that he is very much real and not an hallucination.

“How the fuck —” Jason starts. Then he decides against it. “You know what? I don’t want to know. Forget you found me.”

Tim rolls his eyes. “I happen to have a really good memory, though.”

“It sure doesn’t look like it, considering it seems you forgot I tried to kill you last time we saw each other.”

“You mean when you could’ve killed me, but you didn’t?”

It takes all of Jason’s flimsy self-control not to punch him. Tim stands there, his arms still crossed, his eyebrows vanishing under his too-long bangs, and it’s almost as if he’s daring Jason to hit him, to lose his cool. Doing so would be letting him win and Jason isn’t about to do that.

He has half a mind to appreciate the fact that Tim had been waiting for him in the hallway, though. Even Dick hadn’t been that considerate in the past, always favoring the good old breaking into people’s homes like Bats taught them. It annoys him to no end that the kid somehow always knows what little things will mulify Jason.

“I just wanna talk,” Tim says.

“I haven’t been active lately”

Tim doesn’t even flinch. “That’s a lie.”

“How did Dick find me?” Jason groans.

“He didn’t. I did,” still in that annoying flat voice.

“And you want me to believe he didn’t follow you?”

“I don’t think so, since I haven’t seen him in a month.”

That catches Jason’s attention. He considers the boy in front of him. Rumor has it that Tim Drake manages to be even more elusive than the rest of them, and Jason believes that.  He believes that a child that stalked Batman and Robin for so long is nothing short of impressive. He heard Tim was the only person able to lie to Batman.

Something makes him think Tim isn’t lying now.

With a sigh, he fishes the keys from his pocket and opens the door. Pretends not to see the kid’s annoyingly cocky smile.

Jason doesn’t know much about Tim other than his M.O. as Robin and parts of how he joined the Bat cult. He knows he was already a rich kid before becoming Robin, but if the kid has any reaction to Jason’s crappy hotel room, he doesn’t show.

Jason drops on the couch with a groan. Tim stands around with a blank expression and, if Jason didn’t know any better, he’d think the kid is nervous. He gestures at the empty mismatched armchair by his side, and only then does the kid take a seat. Silence stretches.

“So? You said you wanted to talk. Talk.”

It’s almost impossible to notice, but Tim takes a slow breath before starting: “When we fought… you asked me to be your Robin,” he says. “Did you mean it?”

Jason quirks an eyebrow up. “What kind of question is that?”

“Did you seriously consider taking me as a sidekick?” Tim insists. “It’s a yes or no question.”

Jason sits back and crosses his arms, keeping his expression schooled into something neutral. He hadn’t thought about that night  — at least not on purpose  — since then. However, in the fleeting moments his mind forced him to relive it, he couldn’t help but think about his spur of the moment offer. Because that’s what it had been. An impulsive thought.

However…

“I meant it,” he says, his voice neutral. “In our field, it’s a pain to work alone. I know you have skills, so having you work for me would’ve been useful.”

And that’s the truth, or at least most of it. Tim presses his lips into a tight line and nods slowly, as though he’s readying himself for something.

“And you still think that?”

“What kind of game are you playing, Replacement?” Jason snaps.

“I’m not playing anything. I’m here to offer you my services, sort of.” Tim gives him a crooked smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “We can go over my resume, if you want.”

Jason’s chin drops. He can’t help it. His stunned silence lasts long enough that Tim’s fake smirk slips from his face and, despite his best efforts to keep the cool facade, Jason can see he’s distraught somehow.

“You said that that would mean working for a psychopathic killer,” Jason reminds him.

“I remember distinctly saying sure, why not? to your offer, too. Also you called me worse things, you don’t get to be sensitive about name calling now.”

“Why?” Jason presses.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Tim deflects.

“I asked first.”

“I asked second.”

Jason sighs. “You suck at job interviews.”

“To be fair, I’m a trust fund baby. I’m not supposed to go through job interviews.”

Jason sighs. He doesn’t know what to think. On one hand, he is a detective. He was trained to recognize lying, to know when he’s being played with. On another, the boy in front of him isn’t your everyday crime alley crook, but an equal. Maybe superior, in some circumstances. He could have a plan inside a plan to completely fuck Jason over  — and he kind of should, considering Jason almost killed him a couple of times… and Damian… and Dick.

“What does Bat 2.0 think of you switching career paths?”

“Again, I haven’t seen him in a month.”

“Yeah, I’m not buying that. I haven’t kept close tabs on what’s happening in Gotham, but I know Batman and Robin are still active.”

Tim hesitates. Jason waits patiently. Finally, a little annoyance in his voice betraying his frustration, the younger boy admits:

“Dick fired me. There’s a new Robin.”

Jason snorts. “You’re fucking with me.”

Tim looks down, saying nothing.

Jason starts laughing out loud. “Oh my God, you’re shitting me right? So the Replacement has been replaced! And you decided to come to me of all people for a new job? You want us to be Evil Batman and Evil Robin to good ol’ Bitchard?”

It’s funny, if you think about it. The Robin that got killed and the Robin that got dumped, joining forces to represent failure as the holier than thou golden boy becomes the epitome of heroism. He can’t stop laughing.

Jason expects Tim to get angry. He expects Tim to lash out and tell him to fuck off, say that he knew coming here was a waste of time and storm off. The longer Jason’s mockery goes, however, the quieter the boy gets. His expression is carefully empty, although there is an unnameable storm behind his gaze. Sometimes, Tim is so similar to Bruce  — stoic, a mind like a maze, a smug little shit - Jason forgets about all the ways in which he’s Bruce’s complete opposite. Tim doesn’t do lashing out. Not usually, at least.

When Jason’s hollow laughter dies, the kid is sitting there as though nothing phases him. Not because he is a big bad bat with no emotions, but because he knows better than to show them.

The older boy breathes out slowly. “Alright, I’ll bite it. What exactly are you thinking, Pretender? Be brief and straight, I don’t have all day.”

There’s a beat. The kid is clearly trying to organize his ideas. That’s a first. Little Timmy usually has a plan from the get go.

“I want to be useful,” he says. And that’s the truest thing Tim said all day. There is something raw in his voice that grabs Jason’s attention. Something that Tim hides before Jason can name it. “You said it yourself. We can do better if we work  together. Not as Batman and Robin, of course not. Just as ourselves.”

Jason crosses his arms and starts tapping a finger to his arm. “I don’t believe you’re planning on killing anyone.”

“Good, because I’m not going to.”

“Then? You’re gonna watch while I do the dirty job? Or you think you can stop me?”

There’s a subtle quirk of Tim’s lips. Jason curses inwardly knowing the little satisfied smirk is there because Jason is negotiating. As though he already accepted this insane proposition.

“I don’t think I can stop you every time,” Tim concedes. “We can make a deal, though. With me by your side, you won’t have to resort to murder that often. You promise me you’ll only kill if there’s no other way and, in exchange, I promise you I’ll make sure your cases will be solved a lot faster.”

“You’re awfully confident for someone that just got fired,” Jason deadpans.

“I got fired a month ago.”

“You’re awfully confident for someone that’s been sitting on their ass for a month.”

“I was actually working with the League of Assassins.”

That gives Jason a pause. “I’m sorry, you were what ?”

“There was a case I couldn’t solve on my own. Dick wouldn’t help. Ra’s did.”

“And, what, after working with Ra’s freaking Al Ghul you just decided it was time for a change of scenery?”

“I mean, for starters I like you a lot more than Ra’s. Second, Ra’s kinda fired me too.”

“Again, you’re really bad at this job interview thing.”

Tim smirks. “To be fair, I took everything I needed then ruined a lot of League business before bailing on him, so…”

And then there is that. Jason can count on one hand the things he knows about Tim Drake. One, he found out the identities of Batman, Nightwing and Robin II at age nine. Two, he was a rich kid and neighbor to the Waynes and now he has no family left, just like Jason. Three, he is annoyingly perfect and it makes Jason feel like shit. Four, he is the most unpredictable little shit to ever exist.

And last but not least, he trusts Jason. Jason doesn’t know why. He doesn’t know if that makes him stupid or a genius in a way mere mortals can’t comprehend. Nonetheless, he has this unshakeable faith in Jason like no one had before. Not even Dick, who was supposed to be his brother. Jason doesn’t know what to make of it.

“So Ra’s is after your stupid ass and you want me to be your bodyguard?”

“When Ra’s comes for me, I’ll have a plan to deal with him. Whether you’re a part of it or not, that’s up to you. Don’t worry about it for now.”

He sounds like he has everything under control. Jason knows how to sound like that, too. All of the batlings do. Their entire lives they’re just playing it cool, looking dark, brooding and mysterious while inside they have no idea what’s going on nor how they’ll survive.

“Come on,” Tim says, rolling his eyes. “You worked with back up and you worked alone. You know which one is better.”

“I’m a literal crime lord,” Jason reminds him.

“That’s not the same. Having someone that knows who you are behind the mask makes all the difference in the world.”

Neither of them are addressing the elephant in the room, though. The biggest question looming over them. That’s also a bat thing. Both are aware, none speaks of it, and a taste of something unsolved is making their mouths bitter. The worst part is that they know the answer, even if it’s left unsaid, but do they really? Are they really arrogant to assume they know each other enough, that they’re smart enough to be aware of the truth?

Why did you offer to take me in?

Why do you want to join me now?

Two questions. One answer.  

“I’ll think about it,” Jason says.

Tim’s smile is blinding. He knows a backhanded yes when he hears one. “I’m looking forward to hearing from you, Hood.”

“Piss off before I shoot you.”

Tim snickers and stands to leave. Jason keeps listening after the door closes, after the footsteps vanish down the hallway. He can still hear the sounds of traffic down the street, maybe the indistinct chatter from the neighbors. It still feels too quiet and the egg sized apartment could as well be as big as a manor after Tim leaves.

The answer to both questions is I don’t want to be alone anymore .

#red hood #jason todd #red robin #tim drake #batfam fanfic #batfam #poteto writing