#PLUS CHARLOTTE THE SHARK THAT I NAMED AND LOVE SO MUCH

[pennylanefics]

oh the other day i learned nurse sharks literally roll over on their backs like dogs to scratch themselves and it was the cutest thing ever

#shark fact #shark fact of the day #just a cute lil moment #sharks #he’s so cute #PLUS CHARLOTTE THE SHARK THAT I NAMED AND LOVE SO MUCH

[hennessystevens-udaku]

Oh Baby! (Baby Fever Pt. 2)

It had been five years since The Kompound first welcomed new life and Hennessy’s baby fever was back with a vengeance. With the birth of Angel and Erik’s third child, Henny couldn’t couldn’t contain the joy she felt whenever she was around the tiny beings. Watching them grow and develop and become her new favorite past time and she loved when the opportunity to teach them new things presented itself. Princess Nya had taken after her mother and Bastion, a little diva in the making with an eye for all things music and fashion, while N’Jadaka was smart and cunning like his father. N’Jada was chill like her mother with a passion for exploring and reading, while baby Adelaide, the youngest of the camp, was still figuring things out. It was a sight to behold and it brought Hennessy back to the conversation she and Erik had had following Charlie’s baby shower. Though she thought it was just a phase back then, she was sure that the universe was setting her up for a miniature version of herself or her husband that she could call her own. After a long day in the dispensary planning and budgeting for the line of edibles she and Kristina had been working on, she finally made it home. She made the short trip upstairs where she immediately stripped out of her clothes and slipping into a nice hot bath. She rolled herself a joint of the special goddess blend that she and Kennedi created, aptly named Aurelie, and washed away the day. Once she completed her bath, she made her way to Erik’s office to discuss what had been plaguing her in the last few weeks.

—

“A baby, huh?” he asked with an amused look on his face. She and Erik pair had had more than a few conversations about the topic and after suffering the miscarriage while they were in college, he was convinced that she didn’t want to try again.

“What made you change your mind, Princess?” he asked stroking her knuckles with his thumb.

“The twins,” she answered without hesitation. “I love being around them and caring for them and I thought that maybe it was time that we tried again.” Erik nodded, taking in his wife’s words with a smile.

“Yeah, I saw the search history on the iMac. You want a surrogate?” His eyes flashed with an emotion she couldn’t quite put her finger on. Hurt? Sadness?

“I was looking into it, but I wanted to talk to you about it first. There would be so much to consider with me getting pregnant. I’d basically have to work from home because I can’t be around weed and all that. Not to mention, I’m still afraid of what happened. I don’t want us to go through all that work only for me to miscarry again.” She wrapped her arms around herself defensively as she continued her little spiel. In return, Erik grabbed her arms and placed them securely around his neck and his around her waist.

“Hennessy stop that. I know you’re scared because of what happened back then, but I honestly think that was just the universe telling us that we weren’t ready to be parents yet. We’ve both done a lot of growing and maturing since then. I think we’re ready, don’t you?” She nodded, slowly lifting her head to look him in the eye.

“Now back to this surrogate business.” He looked down at her with a stern look. “If I’m being totally honest, I don’t want some stranger carrying my baby. It’s too risky and some surrogates tend to get attached and I ain’t got time for some other bitch to be claiming my baby as hers.”

“But baby there are other --”

“Let me finish, baby. I know that there are other methods of surrogacy that allow the parents to choose who they want to carry the child, but there are so many moments in pregnancy that you’d miss. You wouldn’t get to feel the little flutters when the baby moves or kicks. You’d have to sit back and watch me shower some other woman with the love and attention that’s supposed to be yours while you carry my big head ass baby.” He poked her stomach playfully to further emphasize his point.

“You just wanna see my munchkin ass waddling around here barefoot and pregnant,” she said slapping his hands away from her belly.

“I will neither confirm nor deny those allegations,” he responded with a laugh. “But seriously, if you having a baby then I’m gonna be the one to put it in you and it’s gonna grow and be nurtured inside your belly. It’s only right.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll track my ovulation and we can try.” She placed a gentle kiss to his lips before attempting to walk away from him. His grip on her waist tightened as he held her close to him, deepening the kiss.

“Can we try even if you ain’t ovulating?” he asked against her lips, clearing space on his desk before lifting her and sitting her on top.

“You so damn nasty,” she giggled as he dropped to his knees in front of her.

“You knew this already,” he retorted from his position between her plus thighs. Soon the sounds of her wetness and slurps filled the air as he feasted on his wife, drinking from her body like his life depended on it.

“So, do we have a baby yet?” Bastion asked, bouncing on her toes like a child in a candy store.

“Not yet.”

“Damn, y’all been going at it like rabbits. At this point, I’m pregnant from listening,” Kennedi teased.

“I swear everybody in this family is a creep,” Hennessy replied, rolling her eyes. It was true, ever since she and Erik had the discussion about her adding to the family, they’d tried every chance they got, sometimes multiple times a day, but we're still having no luck.

“Maybe my uterus is broken,” Henny stated, looking down between her legs from her seated position on the kitchen counter.

“Bitch shut up!” Bastion screamed through her laughter. “You will get pregnant when Bast is good and ready for you to be. Maybe the universe still isn’t ready for a Mini Hennerik.”

“What the fuck is a Hennerik?” Aly’Sha asked.

“It’s a play on their names, kinda like Bennifer or Brangelina,” Bast explained.

“Bitch the door. And don’t ever say that corny ass shit again.” Bastion rolled her eyes and made her way back to her design studio.

“Y’all laughing, but I’m deadass. Maybe it’s not meant for me to give him a baby.”

“Hennessy, you’re worried about nothing. With the way y’all been going at it, you’ll have a bun in the oven before the week is out, mark my words.” With that, Kennedi grabbed an apple juice from the fridge and shuffled to her art studio, eager to finish a portrait of the twins that she had been working on. Hennessy was once again left alone with her thoughts and they were beginning to run wild with all the possibilities of ‘what if’. She decided to slip into something eye-catching and drop by the Outreach Center and pull a freaky deaky drive-by on her husband to quell her illicit thoughts.

--

Late. Exactly 2 weeks, 3 days, and 2 hours late according to her period tracker. Hennessy almost cursed Kennedi for being so damn accurate in her prediction that she would be pregnant sooner than she expected. Hennessy bit her bottom lip in anticipation as the timer on her phone wound down. She paced the bathroom floor for the entire 5 minutes until the alarm sounded, signaling that it was time to check the stick. Her eyes grew wide as she held it up and saw the two tiny pink lines indicating that there was indeed life growing inside of her. She ran out of the bathroom to the two people she knew would keep the secret until she was ready to reveal it to the rest of the house and to her husband.

“Es-tu enceinte?” Angel asked with a wide grin.

“Oui,” Hennessy replied, returning the grin. Angel squealed loudly, kicking her feet in the air like Charlotte from the Princess and the Frog.

“Can I get the English version of this news so I can share in the excitement?” Charlie called from the foot of Angel’s bed.

“Henny’s pregnant!” Angel squealed.

“Jesus, tell the whole house, why don’t you,” Henny said with a playful roll of her eyes.

“Wait, so we’re the first to know?” Charlie asked, now grinning as well. Henny nodded her head, taking a seat beside her.

“Y’all are the only two I could trust not to say or do anything to give it away before I’m ready to tell fathead.”

“Then your secret is safe with us, Mommy Shark,” Charlie teased, rubbing her belly. “Welcome to the Mommy Gang. We have breast milk and cookies.”

“Organic breast milk?” Henny asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Only the best for our churn,” Angel replied, her New Orleans accent creeping out ever so slightly.

“Looks like I have another shower to plan,” Angel said with a smile. She loved the idea of their family growing and she’d been secretly hoping that Erik talked her out of the whole surrogate idea. She was just like Erik, finding the thought of the tiny woman pregnant comical.

“I’m gonna go figure out how I’m gonna announce this to the rest of the house.”

--

Four Months In

Hennessy was miserable. It was the middle of summer in California and her belly along with her appetite was growing every day. Though she had been successful in hiding her growing bump, choosing to wear more black pieces and pants suits, there were two entities in The Kompound that made keeping her pregnancy a secret a tad bit difficult.

“Ooh Hennessy, you’re glowing! Have you switched skincare products?” Davita called, causing all eyes to fall on the small woman.

“No, just the products I got from Kennedi,” she replied, giving Vita a death glare that only urged her to continue.

“Well, that top is nice. Got ya titties sitting all pretty and swollen. They look like they full of milk!” Angel and Charlie caught on and immediately came to Henny’s rescue.

“Nah, Henny and I went bra shopping and I turned her on to one of my favorites. It’s comfortable and makes the titties sit immaculately, no matter the top.”

“Yeah, what Charlie said.” It was now Josephine’s turn to chime in on the topic.

“Henny Hen, I haven’t seen you drink or smoke in a minute. Something you wanna tell us?”

“Nope,” she called, grabbing an apple juice from the fridge and heading towards the front door.

“Well I had a dream about fish last night,” Vita chirped. “Which one of the wives knocked up?” Hennessy’s heels clicked loudly against the marble floor of the house until the door slammed behind her. Erik only shook his head in amusement. Though he already knew she was pregnant, having picked up on it when she started wearing actual clothes and turned down her favorite meal of shrimp and grits, he wanted to wait until she was ready to tell him herself. He could help the smile that crossed his face as he watched her from the kitchen window, waddling to her truck like a little penguin. His little penguin. He made a point to have a bouquet of sunflowers delivered to the dispensary and set up a spa day for her later in the week so she could relax.

“When did you find out?” Angel asked looking over his shoulder once everyone had retired to do their own thing.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mrs. Stevens,” he said as he placed a soft kiss to her forehead before walking away. If she, Henny, and Charlie wanted to play dumb, he would too. The following weeks went by the same way. Vita and Josie kept taunting, Hennessy kept denying, and Erik kept silently pampering her. Finally fed up with the charade and wanting the entire thing to be out in the open, she decided to send out a mass text to her family. The responses came almost instantly.

Sha Sha: Deadass? I’m gonna be an auntie? Yoooooo!

Baby Bast: Oh great, another tiny human.

Charlie: Finally! I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep the secret.

Everyone responded, sending well wishes and congratulations except Erik. She bit her lip, silently panicking in her office.

“Dr. Stevens? Mr. Stevens is here to see you.” Oh shit.

“Send him in Raven.” He appeared a few moments later, dressed in an all black Versace suit with matching loafers.

“Got something you wanna tell me, Mrs. Stevens?” he asked as he made his way to stand in front of her, his smile growing by the second. She returned his smile before unbuttoning her suit jacket and rubbing her belly.

“Shit just got real, Mr. Stevens.”

—————————————

TAGS: @vibranium-soul @imagine-mbaku @mareethequeen @greennightspider @jozigrrl @hearteyes-for-killmonger @alyshastevens-udaku @muse-of-mbaku @thehomierobbstark @wifeyofnjadaka @youreadthatright @tgigoldie @killmongersgurl @dameshaemonique @princessstevens @princesskillmonger @amethyst1993 @iamrheaspeaks @laketaj24 @bidibidibombaclaat @thereturnofbadazz @whatmoredoyouwantamericaa @forbeautyandlife @yaachtynoboat711 @panthergoddessbast @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove @dacreskars @thadelightfulone @drsunshine97 @wakanda-inspired @wawakanda-btch @hold-me-like-a-heart-beat @ayellepea @awkwardlyabstract @madamslayyy @blowmymbackout @vikkidc @champagnesugamama @sociallyawkward18 @trevantesbrat @supersizemeplz @itsangeludaku

#hennessy chiron #the kompound #my shit #erik x henny

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior November 6, 2020 – LET HIM GO, JUNGLELAND, KINDRED, PROXIMA, THE INFORMER and More!

It’s November, which under normal circumstances, would be the holiday season, the thick of awards season, the beginning of the end to the Oscars, but this year? Not so much. Instead, we’re suffering the after-effects of a hugely close and contentious election, although thankfully, there’s quite a few decent movies to check out as we still wait for the whole COVID pandemic to settle down with no end in sight. (And as promised, I got this down to six reviews this week. I wouldn’t expect that next week.)

The biggest wide release this weekend (into 2,200 theaters plus) is Thomas (The Family Stone) Bezucha’s thriller LET HIM GO (Focus Features) starring Kevin Costner and Diane Lane as Montana ranchers George and Margaret Blackledge, who after losing their son James, must try to rescue their young grandson Jimmy, who has been taken to North Dakota to live with his stepfather’s dangerous family, led by matriarch Blanche Weboy (played by Lesley Manville).

I wasn’t really sure what to expect from this movie. The commercials I’ve seen sell it like a straight-up revenge thriller ala the recent Honest Thief, which also isn’t necessarily a straight-up genre film. (Odd coincidence is that this one also has Jeffrey Donovan playing a jerk – I hope it’s not type-casting.) The movie was adapted by Bezucha from a novel by Larry Watson, and it puts Costner into another role where he’s able to ride horses. If you’re a fan of Costner, that might be enough to watch the film, but he gives also gives a typically strong performance as does Lane, as Bezucha reunites Ma and Pa Kent from Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel.

At first, this is more of a family drama where we don’t learn too much about their son before he’s killed – nor do we ever find out who actually killed him. Instead, this is about caring grandparents who worry about how their young grandson might be raised by his new stepfather and his family. It’s particularly suspect when Jimmy’s stepfather leaves for North Dakota in the middle of the night, taking his new wife and stepson with him. It’s enough to make anyone suspicious.

It starts fairly slowly as things are set-up but it leads to more than a few crazy and violent moments including the last act where things really come to a head. Oddly, it isn’t Costner acting like the “tough guy” so much trying to get back Jimmy, despite his background as a sheriff. Instead it’s Lane who impresses with her ability to act super-sweet one moment in order to get results but then fully throwing herself into the film’s violent climax. Oddly, I wasn’t that into Manville’s performance as a malevolent matriarch, and that really surprised me. I do have to call special attention to the amazing Booboo Stewart who plays a Native American lad who helps the couple, this being his second great role/performance of the year after The Grizzlies.

Despite Costner’s presence, Let Him Go feels much more like some of the recent Clint Eastwood movies, and while it has a few issues in terms of tone and pacing, Lane and Costner are more than enough to make this quite enjoyable for what it is.

Even so, that isn’t this week’s “Featured Flicks”…

No, that would be Max (Ceremony) Winkler’s JUNGLELAND (Paramount), an amazing drama starring Charlie Hunnam and Jack O’Connell as brothers Stan and Walter “Lion” Kaminski, the latter who is a brilliant bare knuckle boxers who is constantly dealing with his older brother Stan getting them into trouble with his gambling debts that have left them near to poverty. When Stan gets further into debt with the loan shark Pepper (Jonathan Majors), he agrees to go on a road trip to a big underground no-holds-barred boxing match in San Francisco, but along for the ride is a young woman named Sky (Jessica Barden) who the brothers need to drop off in Reno to the despicable man from whom she ran away in the first place.

This ended up being a far more complex and emotional movie than I expected, although as a huge fan of the movie Warrior, I was interested in seeing how this one diverged from what was one of my favorite movies the year it was released. Well, Winkler does not disappoint, as he finds a way to create a “boxing movie” that’s unlike any other due to a number of elements. We’ve certainly had a few “brother fighters” movies, but what separates Jungleland is that it’s the younger brother played by O’Connell who does all the fighting, his brother acting more as a domineering manager who makes all the decisions for them. You can really feel the love between these brothers and the interesting dynamic that Barden’s Sky brings to the mix.

Maybe you can figure out that there will be some sort of romance between Lion and Sky, but they’re such unique individuals due to the performances by always great O’Connell and an actress who I’m not as familiar with but insures that Sky is not just introduced merely as “love interest.” Sky is bratty and sassy, and she isn’t going to just do what Stanley says even though he always acts like he’s the smartest of the trio, and it’s that attitude that brings so much to the dynamics between the three of them.

There’s a lot of tension leading up to the final fight, as well as a lot of emotion, all enhanced by a gorgeous score from Lorne Balfe that bolsters the performances rather than overpowers them. The way Winkler uses Bruce Springsteen’s cover of Suicide’s “Dream Baby Dream” is the perfect punctuation to a film that keeps you enthralled from beginning to end.

This is just a wonderful film from Winkler, one that really shows his tremendous growth as a filmmaker, and it’s very much the kind of movie that I absolutely love, especially because it’s always going in different directions from the typical boxing movie.

Another nice surprise this weekend was Joe Marcantonio’s psychological thriller KINDRED (IFC Midnight), starring Tamara Lawrence as Charlotte Wilde, who discovers that she’s pregnant by her boyfriend Ben, but when he dies suddenly, Charlotte finds herself trapped in the large estate of Ben’s mother Margaret (Fiona Shaw) and Ben’s creepy half-brother Thomas (Jack Lowden). She soon realizes that Margaret plans on keeping her trapped there in order to keep control of her son’s baby.

I went into this British thriller not really knowing much about it other than its small cast including the generally decent Shaw and Lowden. I wasn’t familiar with Tamara Lawrence at all, but she does a pretty amazing job carrying the film as a woman trying to deal with some sort of pre-natal depression on top of mourning for her ex while also feeling trapped, probably rightfully so. The dynamics between the three people – this is very much a three-hander – is what keeps Kindred so interesting, because Margaret probably blames Charlotte for her son’s death, but Thomas seems to have more lecherous intentions. The whole time, Charlotte has dreams and visions, sometimes horrifying ones, about birds.

Over the course of the film we learn more about Charlotte’s background and her own mother’s issues dealing with “perinatal psychosis,” which could be a big clue to what is happening with Charlotte. Lawrence is absolutely amazing at giving the film a strong heroine who works hard to try to outsmart her captors, and it’s a film that never really goes far into the most expected realms. Marcantonio’s direction works well at maintaining a steady pace, and the musical choices greatly add to the tension even the few times it’s using overused stock classical musical themes.

Kindred works quite effectively as a tense psychological thriller in the vein of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? I expect we have not seen the last of either Lawrence or director Marcantonio.

Eva Green stars in Alice Winocour’s PROXIMA (Vertical) as Sarah Loreau, an engineer and astronaut who has gotten the plum assignment to spend a year aboard the International Space Station. Unfortunately, that would mean being apart from her young daughter Stella for a year, and the film deals with Sara’s tough battle to get through the training necessary while dealing with her emotions over being separated from her daughter.

For some reason, I had lost track of Winocour since her amazing breakthrough film Mustangs, and though it’s odd that this would premiere at the same TIFF as Natalie Portman’s Lucy in the Sky, it’s quite a different movie despite a few similarities, mostly that they’re both about women astronauts. Oddly, Lucy in the Sky is based on a true story, although Proxima feels far more grounded, both literally and figuratively. Much of that is because we only see Sara’s journey before getting on the rocket into space.

In many ways, Proxima means to show how tough training for a space mission is on women, particularly having to leave their children behind, and Green does an amazing job in the many demands of the role. Part of Sara’s issue is that she’s dealing within a very heavily competitive male-dominated environment, as typified Matt Dillon’s Texan astronaut Mike, but there’s also the aspect of her not wanting to show any signs of weakness. (It’s a rarity for women, particularly a French one, to have this opportunity.)

Much of what’s keeping Sarah from giving up is because she wants to be a great role model for her daughter, and honestly the scenes between Green and young Zélie Boulant are so wonderful they almost make the movie in themselves. It’s to Winocour’s credit that she continually shows how well she does at casting younger and newer actresses. I’d be neglect if I didn’t mention the gorgeous score by Ryuichi Sakamoto, who seems like such a great get for Winocour, being that he hasn’t scored as many movies in recent years.

Winocour has created another beautiful film, one that really sticks with you because she and Eva Green manage to convey the story of a woman we rarely get to see in movies in such a truly authentic and emotional way. Sadly, Proxima isn’t getting a theatrical release, but it will be on digital and VOD this Friday.

Bryan Bertino, director of The Strangers, returns with THE DARK AND THE WICKED (RLJEfilms/Shudder), an eerie horror thriller mostly set on a farm where sister and brother Louise and Michael (played by Marin Ireland and Michael Abbott Jr.) return to see their dying father only to find their mother  (Julie Oliver-Touchstone) behaving erratically. They soon learn that there’s something dark and wicked (hence the title) holding sway over anyone who enters the place.

I was pretty excited to see this movie, because while I wasn’t the biggest fan of The Stranger, I could see from his debt that Bertino definitely had talent as a director in terms of creating a mood and tone that can keep an audience on edge. While I haven’t seen his other two films since then, The Dark and the Wicked proves that my earlier instincts were correct.  With a fairly simple premise, location and relatively small cast that’s usually one or both of the two main actors, Bertino has created an enigmatic and eerier horror-thriller that does both the two elements that makes for good horror – create interesting characters with depth and then proceed to totally fuck with them in any way possible.

In this case, the set-up might seem slow to match its Southern setting, but this is one of those rare cases where slow isn’t necessarily bad. Ti West’s The Innkeepers and House of the Devil is a pretty gauge for whether this is your kind of horror. If you liked those, you’ll probably like this.

Once the gory and quite disturbing stuff starts happening, Bertino rarely lets up. Although some of the imagery isn’t as original – a woman chopping off her fingers for the third time this year! – there’s just a lot of things that are done in such clever and unique ways. There’s little question that Bertino knows how to creep viewers out and put them on on edge, but it’s all greatly helped by the two main actors who really sell the scares. I won’t get too into what the evil is that’s causing people who enter the house to savagely mutilate themselves, but it is of a demonic nature

While at first, this might seem to be in the vein of the recent Relic, of which I wasn’t too big a fan, it also delves into territory ala The Witch (without the historical setting), and that might in fact be the best barometer to decide whether Bertino’s latest is for you. Be warned that like this year’s The Lodge, The Dark and Wicked lives up to its title because you witness a lot of truly awful things, and you should not expect it to end cheerfully. (I also want to give credit to Bertino’s DP, since I’ve watched so many horror movies this year that are so dark, you cannot make out what’s going on, which isn’t the case here.)

A movie that was supposed to be released way back in March by Aviron Pictures is finally coming back via Vertical, Noriva as Andrea Di Stefano’s THE INFORMER finally sees the light of day in the U.S. after being released all over the world. It stars Joel Kinnaman as Peter/Piotr Koslow, a Polish assassin and mercenary, who has been working as an undercover FBI inside man to help them bust criminals. Rosamund Pike plays his handler, Agent Wilcox, while Clive Owen is her immediate supervisor. After a drug bust that gets an undercover cop killed, Piotr finds himself being investigated by a local detective, played by Common.

The Informer starts as as a fairly typical crime-thriller that seems to be inspired a little too much by Breaking Bad, but in fact, it was adapted from a Swedish crime thriller called 3 Seconds, written by Anders Roslund and Borge Hellström. What’s interesting is that it transforms itself from being a passable but bland entry in one of the most overused movie genres ever into something halfway interesting when Peter is sent back to jail to get closer to the drug kingpin known as The General.

If you’re a fan of Joel Kinnaman, then maybe you’ll enjoy this, but I don’t think Kinnaman has very much charisma as an actor and that really hurts the first half of the movie where he’s required to do a lot of heavy-lifting, especially opposite Pike. But it takes a while to adjust to the fact that everyone in this movie, other than Common – showing less range than usual – has taken on some sort of accent. It’s certainly a decision, though I’m not sure it’s the best one.

I have to admit that I didn’t fully understand the dynamics between the characters, and it didn’t get much easier once Peter goes back to prison, but in general, I felt like there was a lot of talent wasted here, particularly Ana de Armas as Peter’s wife. It also is a little devoid of thrills, but again, that’s mostly through when the movie turns into a prison drama, which is where it gets quite a bit better. That said, I’m still not sure if Common is supposed to be one of the good or bad guys…

The Informer may not be the most inspired crime-thriller, and Kinnaman’s typically stiff performance doesn’t help, but there’s some good moments towards the end that makes it not feel like wasted time to watch it.

Opening in 200 theaters this Friday is True to the Game 2 (Imani Media Group), which as you might guess is the sequel to movie called True to the Game, which I have not seen. It’s a street level gangster crime thriller that begins with a lot of black people shooting at each other, which seems rather ill-timed for the current situation in the country (and New York in particular). The movie stars Erica Peeples as Gina, the love interest of Quadir Richards, a drug dealer murdered in the first movie, who decides to leave Philly to recreate herself as a New York journalist. While in L.A. on an important assignment, her past in Philly follows her as Quadir’s killer Jerell (Andra Fuller) wants revenge for a hit against his crew in revenge for them getting revenge for Quadir. Oh, the movie also stars Vivica A. Fox as a woman named “Shoog.” I’m not going to review this, partially because I don’t think I’ll have much to say without having seen the first movie, but this is also not my kind of thing nor am I the target audience for it, so writing a review might just be a waste of all of our time. (Hint: It isn’t a good movie.)

Jeff Roda’s 18 to Party (Giant Pictures) is set in a small town in 1984, as it deals with a group of 8th graders who have been dealing with UFO sightings, missing parents and recent suicides as they try to get into a club despite being underage. Boy, does this have a lot of ‘80s references, so it should really be my thing. Sadly, it’s very talkie and not particularly well-written while being derivative of so many other things like Stand By Me and the It movies as filtered through Richard Linklater. Roda does get some points for his choice in music that includes Big Audio Dynamite and one of my own ‘80s favorites, The Alarm. (And yes, U2 DID steal much of its sound and schtick from the Alarm, so kudos for the movie acknowledging it.) Unfortunately, it’s used as awkwardly as most of the interactions between the kids, and yet, I still didn’t hate this. 18 to Party will open via virtual cinemas on Friday through the Laemmle in L.A. in Alamo on Demand (New York and other cities) but then will get a VOD release in North America on December 1.

From Sweden – running the gauntlet of almost every single genre festival since its release overseas in the summer of 2019 -- comes the dark fantasy-horror Koko-Di Koko-Da (Dark Star Pictures) from filmmaker Johannes Nyholm, about a couple terrorized by a sideshow artist and his entourage in the woods. I honestly didn’t get too far into the movie, because like many Swedish movies, this one is so dark and grim that it starts with the couple losing their 8-year-old daughter in the first ten minutes and when the horror element shows up, I just couldn’t get too far. Maybe I’ll give this another chance when I’m in a better head.

Similarly, I saw but don’t have much to say about Alastair Orr’s Triggered (Samuel Goldwyn Films). It’s a stylized horror-thriller in the Saw vein where a group of nine friends are out camping and partying in the woods when they wake up to find suicide bombs strapped to their chests with different countdown clocks, but in order to survive, they need to kill their friends to get more time on their clocks. It’s another high-concept thriller ala the recent No Escape and considering how much I hated that movie, I knew this wouldn’t be my thing either. I’m a little surprised that it’s being released by Samuel Goldwyn since they normally focus on more arty films and not C-level genre fare.

At my beloved local theater, the Metrograph, which I miss deeply, they’re continuing their “Robert Kramer Retrospective,” now showing Milestones from 1975, while Jessie Jeffrey Dunn Rovinelli’s So Pretty will run through Thursday night. This Friday, the terrific doc Decade of Fire, directed by Gretchen Hildebran and Vivian Vazquez Irizarry, will debut as part of Metrograph’s Live Screening series, and I have to say tht this is quite a fantastic doc about the series of building fires that decimated the Bronx in the ‘70s. Monday will see the debut of the 1974 doc Frame-Up! The Imprisonment of Martin Sostre, directed by Steven Fischler, Joel Sucher and Howar Blatt, and I remind again that the Live Screening series can be accessed with an annual Metrograph membership, which is still just $50 a year or $5 month-to-month, and you cannot get a better deal right now within the world of Virtual Cinema with the number of movies being offered for that price.

Metrograph has also begun a “Ticketed Screening” series where you can pay per film, and the second one in that series is the 1965 French anthology Six in Paris (Icarus Films), that has the likes of Chabrol, Godard, Pollet and Rohmer telling short cinematic stories set in Paris, which is a must-see for fans of the French New Wave of the ‘60s. That’s available for $8 for members and $12 for non-members, so being a member is STILL a pretty good deal.

Film Forum’s Virtual Cinema continues King Hu’s Rain in the Mountain, Frederick Wiseman’s City Hall and more, joined by a double feature of Fellini’s Toby Dammit (1969) and Chris Marker’s La Jetée (1962) (the basis for Terry Gilliam’s 12 Monkeys) starting Friday.

Also, just want to throw a quick shoutout to my much-missed neighbors uptown at Film at Lincoln Center, who also have a fairly hearty Virtual Cinema going with new and repertory offerings.

Also, if you read this week’s column and have bothered to read this far down, feel free to drop me some thoughts at Edward dot Douglas at Gmail dot Com or drop me a note or tweet on Twitter. I love hearing from readers … honest!

#TheWeekendWarrior #Movies #Reviews #LetHimGo #TheInformer #Proxima #Kindred #the dark and the wicked #Jungleland

[randomrichards]

MOVIES (THAT MIGHT BE) WORTH CHECKING OUT IN MAY 2019:

MAY 3

LONG SHOT

One classy party reunites reporter Fred Flarsky (Seth Rogen) with his former babysitter and current Secretary of State Charlotte Field (Charlize Theron). Now she plans to run for President and hires Fred as her speechwriter. As they work together through her campaign, they begin to fall for each other.

It’s rarely certain whether a comedy will be good, especially adult comedies like this one. Raunchy comedies face a tightrope walk of delivering consistently funny humor while telling an engaging story. Plus, there’s no one way to be funny and there are many ways to be not funny. Romantic Comedies are a challenge because they live and die on the chemistry between the leads. Seth Rogen has already demonstrated strong romantic chemistry with Knocked Up and Charlize Theron is an excellent actress, but we must wait and see if they have any chemistry together.

Director Jonathan Levine certainly has proved himself with memorable comedies like 50/50 and Warm Bodies. But he’s also made lackluster comedies like The Night Before and Snatched. The only surefire way to know is to watch it.

MAY 10:

ALL IS TRUE

In case it isn’t clear, Kenneth Branagh loves the shit out of Shakespeare. Since garnering worldwide attention and acclaim with his star making directorial debut with Henry V, he’s adapted one William Shakespeare play after another every four years. It was only a matter of time before he played the Bard himself. Cue All is True, a film about the last moments of his life.

Shakespeare (Branagh) has finally come home to his wife Anne Hathaway (Judi Dench) and he comes home a legend. But his years apart has created distance between himself and his family. We’re given no information the above information.

Kenneth Branagh films are a hit and miss, even the Shakespeare ones. On one hand, you get compelling adaptations of Henry V and Hamlet. On the other hand, you get disasters like Love’s Labours Lost. In this film, he seems to portray Shakespeare as abrasive yet witty. But there’s more hope coming from writer Ben Elton, whose credit include classic British Comedies like Blackadder, The Young Ones and Mr. Bean. Still, comedy if a fickle genre and there’s no guarantee it will be good.

POKEMON: DETECTIVE PIKACHU

This movie has a lot going against it. First, it’s based on a video game, which is the notorious kiss of death for a movie. And considering the cartoony designs of the Pokémon, you can probably count this as a live action version of a cartoon (which is usually associated with lazy filmmaking). Plus, it’s based on a spin off of a popular game. And yet, the trailers had made Detective Pikachu not only has moviegoers intrigued but has made it one of the most anticipated films of the year. Of course, it could also be due to the Pokémon franchise being one of the most beloved franchises getting its second wind thanks to the Pokémon Go, but the trailers still deserve credit for making the movie look attractive.

Surprisingly, the film doesn’t focus on Ash Ketchum, Red, or any Pokémon trainer. Instead, our protagonist is Tim Goodman (Justice Smith), an ex-Pokémon trainer in a rut when he returns home after the death of his father. Then his life’s turned upside down when he finds a coffee-addicted Pikachu wearing a detective’s hat in his father’s office. This Pikachu woke up with no memories, a Sherlock Holmes hat and the voice of Ryan Reynolds. Detective Pikachu believes Tim’s father is still alive and is being held hostage. So, Tim and Detective Pikachu begin an investigation to find Tim’s father and discover his connection to the Pokémon.

When the trailers were released, audiences’ minds were blown by the incredible special effects. Pikachu and another Pokémon fit so naturally within the real world thanks to the detailed CGI. Albeit, there are a few that look a bit creepy (Mr. Mime and Jugglypuff), but Pikachu and Charizard look amazing. Plus, the story shows a lot of potential, with the dynamic of the disillusioned Tim and the enthusiastic Pikachu demonstrating strong chemistry.

With Rob Letterman directing, there’s uncertainty about the quality. Earlier, he’s made mediocre, forgettable movies like Gulliver’s Travels and the godawful Shark Tale. But then he made Goosebumps, a much better movie than it had any right to be. The later could be a sign of improvement, so I’m going into this with high hopes.

POMS

This seems like the perfect film for Mother’s Day.

Welcome to Sun Sprays, a retirement home with hundreds of clubs. Despite the sunny environment, Martha (Diane Keaton)’s come here just to die. Then she gets reeled into starting a senior citizen Cheerleading Squad by horny neighbor Sheryl (Jackie Weaver). With a small team (including Pam Grier and Rhea Perlman) and training from a young cheerleading choreographer (Alisha Boe), Martha enters a Cheerleading competition.

This film is one of those films you take your mother too, so it’s perfect for this month. It seems like a harmless good time staring beloved actresses who’ve been in the business for a long time. Though I will admit, you’re probably not going to remember it by the end of the year.

TOLKIEN

I think JRR Tolkien needs no introduction. By now, his tales of Middle-Earth are ingrained into modern Pop Culture, especially after the Peter Jackson movies. You don’t even need to have read the Hobbit or seen the Lord of the Rings trilogy to know what Hobbits are. And now we learn about the man who brought this world to life in the biopic Tolkien.

Nicholas Hoult (Mad Max: Fury Road, Warm Bodies) plays the author during his time as an Oxford student and a WW1 soldier. Judging by the trailer, the film seems to be going the route of the Theory of Everything and centre the film around his relationship with Edith Mary Bratt (Lily Collins). The film also looks to showcase his friendship with fellow artists Rob Gilson (Patrick Gibson), Geoffrey Blache Smith (Anthony Boyle) and Christopher Wiseman (Tom Glynn-Carney), who would from their own secret society called the Tea Club and Burrovian Society (TCBS). And of course, it will show us Tolkien’s experience during World War 1.

There is a strong chance this film will just be a typical, forgettable biopic with the usual clichés of the naïve youth dreaming of changing the world and the girlfriend serving as a source of support. What I’m hoping to get out of it is seeing where Tolkien drew inspiration for the immortal Middle Earth books. It helps that the film sticks to his youth while other lesser films rush too quickly into his whole life like Bohemian Rhapsody did.

MAY 17:

JOHN WICK 3: PARABELLUM

The second John Wick left us on one hell of a cliffhanger when Master ex-assassin/dog lover John Wick (Keanu Reeves) broke the code by killing client Santino D’Antonio (Riccardo Scamarcio) in the Assassin’s hotel when he betrayed Wick. The closing sequence of Wick racing against time to get out of town while assassins wait for the time to run out made you very excited for the third movie. And judging by the trailer, John Wick 3: Parabellum won’t disappoint.

The film picks up right wear the second film leaves off with Wick rushing to find a way out of New York. The High Table has placed a fourteen million bounty on his head and every assassin is looking to collect (and take down the legendary “boogeyman”). With nowhere to run and outnumbered, Wick uses every means at his disposal to take down every assassin within proximity. Considering the fact Wick once took down a whole group of assassins with a pen, it’s the assassins who should be worried.

Despite a simple plot about an ex-assassin going after a gangster’s son for killing his dog, John Wick blew everyone way with masterful direction from former stuntman Chad Stahelski and David Leitch that elevated the action genre in many ways. First, is the fully realized world of the assassins, where they live by strict codes of honor, are paid by gold coins and have their own cleaning crew and hotel. Plus, there’s the amazing cinematography from Jonathan Sela (the first one) and Dan Laustsen (the sequels), who showcase the elegance of Wick’s world and enhances action scenes with beautiful neon lighting. And then there’s the fight scenes; those glorious fight scenes. While most modern action scenes shoot too close and cut way too quickly, the actions scenes in these films are shot and edited with a smooth rhythm to showcase the actor’s stunt work. No actor shines more than Keanu Reeves, who went through months of weapons training and martial arts training doing what he does best; kicking ass. Sure, he’s a wooden actor, but he comes to life during action scenes, where he showcases his energy and grace.

We have quite an all-star cast. We see the return of old favorites including Continental Hotel owner Winston (Ian McShane), his concierge Charon (Lance Reddick) and The Bowery King (Laurence Fishburne). They are also joined by Anjelica Huston as a mysterious leader known as the director, Jerome Flynn as fellow assassin Berrada and Halle Berry as Wick’s estranged partner Sofia.

THE SOUVENIR

Could this be an overlooked gem of the month?

The film centres on the rocky relationship between young film student Julie (Honor Swinton Byrne), an unpredictable intellectual named Anthony and Julie’s mother (Tilda Swinton). On the surface, the premise doesn’t seem like much. But what may make this film stand out is the deliver; portraying the complicated ups and downs of relationship. It could either be compelling or pretensions.

THE SUN IS ALSO A STAR

Natasha Kingsley (Yara Shahidi) is a highly academic student is a firm believer of logic. Daniel Bae (Charles Melton) is a “good student” who is a closeted romantic poet. One day in New York, their lives cross paths when Daniel saves Natasha from being hit by a car. Soon, they find themselves debating over their beliefs. Natasha doesn’t believe in love and thinks Daniel should give up his unlikely dream of being a poet. Daniel makes a bet he can make her fall in love. But they both have problems right now. Nathasha’s trying to keep her family from being deported and Daniel’s must choose between pleasing his parents and going his own path.

The film’s based on a novel by Nicola Koon. That book took me by surprise with a compelling story with a strong dynamic between two different people, with excerpts discussing unusual probabilities between chapters. The excerpts add to our protagonist’s debates about fate vs. logic, but I wonder how writer Tracy Oliver (Girls Night) will apply these elements into the movie. Novels can intercut a story with random segments, but movies rely on a more consistent flow.

As with many romances, this depend on the chemistry between the actors. Shahidi’s garnered attention for playing wannabe fashionista Zoey Johnson in Black-ish and the underrated Grown-ish. Melton’s spotlight is also growing thanks to his role as Reggie Mantle in Riverdale. But can they carry a movie?

MAY 22:

THE TOMORROW MAN

Since the death of her daughter, Ronnie Meisner (Blythe Danner) spends her life at an emotional distance, often buying items she never uses. The one day, Ed Hemster (John Lithgow), who makes her let her guard down. But Ed has problems of his own. Worrying about the future, he’s built a fallout shelter where he stacks nonperishables. Through each other, Ronnie and Ed have a chance to move to the present.

The main reason I included this on the list are the two main leads. Danner is one of those underappreciated actresses who appear in a lot of movies and tv shows but you never remember her name. She finally gained some acclaim in her rare lead role in the underrated gem I’ll See You in My Dreams. But even then, she was back in supporting roles in overlooked films. Of course, it’s because Hollywood rarely writes roles for middle aged or elderly women unless she’s Meryl Streep or Helen Mirren.

And then there’s John Lithgow. He’s one of few actors who elevates a scene just by being there. Whether it’s the Dawn of the Planet of the Apes or Third Rock from the Sun, he always delivers a top-notch performance no matter the genre or quality. Personally, I found him to be the only good thing in the awful sitcom Trial & Error. The main reason I’d watch this film is because of him.

MAY 24:

ALADDIN

Another live action Disney remake.

I don’t think I need to explain the synopsis. By now, everyone knows the story of Aladdin like the back of their hand. So, let’s focus on whether we should bother with this remake.

On the surface, the film has a lot going for it. Mena Massoud and Naomi Scott seem perfectly cast as Aladdin and Jasmine, resembling them while adding their own touches. The setting of Agrabah looks colourful while obtaining just enough believability. And you’ve got Will Smith playing the Genie. Sure, he’s no Robin Williams, but then again no one can be Robin Williams. I’m hoping he choses to make the character his own instead of trying to copy William’s performance.

But then people started complaining that the Genie wasn’t blue in the promotion photos. The Studio assured the audience that the Genie will be blue. Well, be careful what you wish for, because you could end up with Will Smith’s face poorly added to a CGI abomination. Cue the second teaser and the angry aftermath. It should be noted that studios will often release film trailers with unfinished special effects. They were able to remedy this with a later trailer, with much better CGI and showcasing more elements of the film.

The area where I do have concern is with Director Guy Ritchie. He has taken the cinema world by surprise with his indie film Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and his follow up Snatch. But since then, none of his later films truly stood out. The main problem is a classic case of style over substance. He fills his movies with flashy imagery and dazzling camerawork, but the plots are not as engaging. The question is whether he can get out of his own way for this film.

BRIGHTBURN

It’s surprising nobody’s put a horror version of Superman before this. I’m guessing its fear of copyright issues. But here we are.

On the surface, it follows the Superman story to a tee. A superpowered baby falls from the sky and is taken in by a humble couple. He struggles to grow up in a small town while he discovers his power. In this case, the kid is Brandon Breyer (Jackson Dunn), his adoptive parents are Tori (Elizabeth Banks) and Kyle Breyer (David Denman) and the town is Brightburn.

Unfortunately, this kid has no intention for using his powers for Truth and Justice. Instead, he uses his powers to get revenge on anyone who wronged him. If a kid bullies him, he’ll crush her hand like a twig. [1]Any adult who grows suspicious of him, he can fly right into them or burn them with his laser vision. He knows he can get away with anything, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it, not even his loving step mother. So, he dons a mask and terrorizes everyone in town.

The film’s vague on Brandon’s motivation. Judging by a clip from a teaser with the Brandon trying to get to the ship, there’s a chance he was sent to earth to cause destruction. Or maybe he’s just a sociopath with too much power. What is certain is the creativity of the premise. You’ve got a kid whose indestructible, has amazing abilities. But he lacks restraint. He could take over an entire city. How do you stop him?

What may elevate this film is Elizabeth Banks’ performance. As she tries to stick up for Brandon, you can see she’s torn between her love of Brandon and her fear of his actions. It could provide an emotional core for the film that will offer more impact for the audience.

MAY 31:

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS

With the success of the 2014 American adaptation, the one and only Godzilla returns, and he’s brought some friends.

The secret organization Monarch led by Dr. Ishiro Serizawa (Ken Watanabe) have their hands full a roster of Kaijus (giant-sized monsters) appearing across earth. The fan favorites are all here, including Mothra and Rodan. Their only hope is Godzilla. But he faces his biggest challenge with King Ghidorah, the three-headed behemoth three times his size.

Meanwhile, Monarch member Dr. Emma Russel (Vera Farmiga) is searching for her daughter Madison (Millie Bobby Brown), who is lost in the carnage.

The film has an all-star cast, including Sally Hawkins (returning as Serizawa’s assistant Dr. Vivienne Graham), Game of Thrones’ Charles Dance, O’Shea Hawkins Jr. (Straight Outta Compton) and Thomas Middleditch. But let’s admit we don’t watch these movies for the human characters. We’re here to watch giant monsters destroy cities and duke it out.

But Kaiju films need to centre on human characters to ground the film and portray the consequences of the destruction. There’s just one problem; the human characters are almost never interesting. One of the few exceptions was Bryan Cranston’s character in the recent film, but he’s gone way to early in the film. Hopefully writer/director Michael Dougherty will flesh out the characters in this film so we’re not waiting impatiently for the monsters.

While we’re here, I should discuss the obvious plans for a Kaiju cinematic universe. With the success of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, every studio has been trying to create their own cinematic universe, from Warner Brother’s DCEU to Universal’s “Dark Universe”. In this case, the cinematic universe would be the MonsterVerse; Hollywood’s adaptation of Japans iconic Kaiju films as well as the return of King Kong. But most of them failed because the films fail to stand on their own. Unlike the other attempts, Legendary Entertainment waited for audience reaction with the 2014 Godzilla before starting this cinematic universe. Despite criticism over the lack of Godzilla onscreen (less than a half hour), the film was still a hit. Next was King Kong: Skull Island, an on the nose allegory of Vietnam that never took itself seriously. The film also became a minor hit despite criticism. And after this upcoming film, King Kong and Godzilla will faces on in a later film. I am excited.

MA

Oscar Winner Octavia Spencer reunites with The Help director Tate Taylor for this creepy flick from the horror hitmaker Blumhouse.

Spencer plays the title character, a lonely woman named Sue Ann. One day, she’s approached by a group of underage teens to buy booze for them. She not only obliges them, but she allows them to use her basement for parties. She seems like the coolest adult to them.

Then Ma grows clingier, calling them and following them around. Things get creepy when she comes to their house, where we find out she went to high school with their parents. You can be they somehow wronged her in her youth and this is a form of revenge for her. It certainly seems with the creepy image of Ma sewing one girl’s mouth shut and tying a teen boy to her bed.

Blumhouse are on a roll, distributing one horror hit after another including the Visit, The Purge and Happy Death Day. They’ve even brought us some ground-breaking films like Get Out and Paranormal Activity. And Ma looks like it could be a worthy addition to their library with Spencer channeling Annie Wilkes from Misery.

ROCKETMAN

We conclude with the biopic of pop icon Elton John (Taron Egerton). We follow him from his early years as nerdy English boy Reginald Dwight to his rise as a mega superstar. It has all the major moments, including his big break at the Troubadour, his many over the top costumes and his struggles with his homosexuality.

I’ll be honest, I’m growing tired of recent biopics. They all go through the same song and dance. First, we see their troubled childhood, usually dealing either one terrible parent or one strong parent pushing the kid to rise above their surroundings. Then we see them form a band, they perform one song, then cut to them filling stadiums. And of course, you can’t seem to have a biopic without a naysayer producer, brief cuts of them writing songs[2]  and the third act of the star descending into drugs and alienating those he loves. They play it too safe. The only one that felt refreshing was The Motley Crue Biopic the Dirt[3].

To be fair, Rocketman seems to add a few elements to separate it from lesser biopics. First, it’s written by Lee Hall, whose pend upbeat yet grounded British class films like Billy Elliot, War Horse and the underrated play the Pittman Painters. Plus, the film looks like it’s going to be a musical, with people bursting into song. But what makes this film stand out is its style. The film takes a more stylized approach to it’s visuals, including having the crowd float in tune to the title song. I suspect the visuals will serve as a tour into John’s subconscious.

[1] It reminds me of a scene from Superman where Jonathan Kent tells Clark he can do such a thing “but what that would make him.” I guess Brandon answers that question.

[2] Often portraying it as a quick burst of inspiration instead of a long process of fine tuning the creative process is.

[3] That’s thanks to the film’s energetic editing, Hard R-partying and fearlessness in showcasing the Band Member’s ugliest moments.

#long shot #All is true #godzilla #king of the monsters #rocketman #ma #brightburn #aladdin #the tomorrow man #the sun is also a star #the souvenir #john wick #parabellum #tolkien #poms #detective pikachu

[radioleary-blog]

Long Names and Outsourcing Superheroes

It’s not easy writing political comedy.

One factor is the impermanence of a political joke. Even a great political joke has an expiration date, and political narratives change fast these days. Your average political joke has a shorter shelf-life than a pint of half & half that you left in the car. “Honey...when did I write this joke about Trump getting golden showers from Russian prostitutes? Is it still any good or should I throw it away?”

“How does it smell?” she replies from the living room.

“Whew! Pretty funky...I think it’s turned. Dammit! That was a good one.”

“So write a new one,” she says dully, without looking away from whatever TV program has unattractive British servants enduring wretched lives of 19th century drudgery. Which accounts for about half of all PBS programs. Or should I say “programmes.” They’re so depressing. They ought to call it “Downer Abbey.” Or “Upstairs, Downstairs, Blank Stares.” Seriously, man, how much does the BBC pine for the days when the lower classes knew their place? Is that really an era to romanticize, even if they do call it The Romantic era? And who the hell could enjoy watching shows about the help being treated badly? As for me, if I watch even ten minutes of a show with berated butlers and yelled-at scullery maids, I start to get angry. Every time I see some mutton-chopped, inbred Lord of the Manor lining up his staff to lecture and threaten them for poorly-polished silver, or for becoming ‘too familiar’, or for having any normal human desires whatsoever, I have the normal human desire to make him ‘too familiar’ with my fist in his mutton-chop face. Just once, I’d like to see one of the servants he’s giving a good “dressing-down” to turn around and give this privileged twit a good old working-class “beating-down.” I’d like to see the First Footman, or the Second Footman, or some Footman put that foot right up his aristocratic ass.

I was trying to think up some funny-sounding British aristocratic names as examples of noble pomposity, but it turns out they have this new thing called “the google,” so I just looked up some real names instead. These are just a few of the actual descendants of William the Conqueror, who, being British, conquered everything but brushing and flossing:

Flora Paulyna Hetty Barbara Abney-Hastings. That sounds like somebody who never had to fill out their name on a lot of forms. Good luck fitting that on a job application. But of course, nobody with a name that long and dreadfully upper-class ever had to look for work. The longer your name, the easier your life. Hey, I just realized that. I might actually be onto something. Who do you think works harder - a person named Prince Stuart Johann Knud Bernhard Felix Maria René Joseph de Bourbon-Parma (real name), or a guy named Stu Parma? If you’re having trouble figuring that one out, the title Prince is a big clue. The only Prince who ever broke a sweat died last year in Minnesota, and judging by his opioid addiction, it was probably a cold sweat. Stu Parma sounds like an ex-Checker Cab driver from Queens, whereas Prince longname there sounds like an exchequer for the Queen. Big difference between those jobs, and probably all because of the length of their names. Great, just what men need, one more length to feel inadequate about. The only people who work harder than guys named Stu and Kip and Sam are guys with even shorter names like Bo and Al and Ed.

Same thing probably holds true for women, I bet Vikki works a longer shift for less pay than Victoria does. And I bet Kat does things for money that Katerina never would. I’m not thinking sex-worker, necessarily, but if she did it would be all her idea. No, I was picturing Kat doing something more along the lines of a cage-match fighter, or rodeo girl, or tattoo artist. She could set up her own new-school tattoo shop and call it “KATTOOS.” And she’s more likely to be a fun person to party with, too. Kat is a bad-ass who keeps it real, and Katerina will not go down on you even on your anniversary. The longer the name, the less fun and the more stuck up you are. Here’s another real name, and I bet she isn’t bringing any beer or weed to your party: Countess Antonia Charlotte Jeanette Marie af Holstein-Ledreborg. Wow, really? Can we just call you c*ntess for short?

And with the titles and peerage to boot, these names really start to get re-goddam-diculous. Check this guy out, this is a real title: His Royal Highness the Prince Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales, Earl of Chester, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Carrick, Baron of Renfrew, Lord of the Isles, Prince and Great Steward of Scotland, Royal Knight Companion of the most noble order of the Garter, Royal Knight Companion of the most ancient and most noble order of the Thistle, Knight Grand Cross of the most honourable order of the Bath, member of the order of Merit, Knight of the order of Australia, companion of the Queen’s service order, member of Her Majesty’s Most Honourable Privy Councillors, Aide de Camp to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth. WTF? That’s not a title, that’s the whole book! And the sequel! Keep in mind this is just a really fancy way of saying this guy is banging the Queen. This title is so long that when you start saying it you have 13 colonies in the Americas, and when you’re done saying it Cornwallis is surrendering at Yorktown.

But that’s the trouble with those british TV servants, they never fought back against the system like we did here in the colonies. That’s why their rigid class-structure hierarchy remained in place for so long, and they’re still sentimental for it in these godawful butler dramas. They never really had a lot of rebels in England, not for very long anyway, they either came here and started killing Indians, or they got arrested and shipped off to Australia to get eaten by sharks. Even today, British culture doesn’t celebrate the rebel like we do in America. The British never had a ‘Cool Hand Luke,’ more like ‘Keep Calm and Carry On Luke.’ The Brad Pitt ‘Fight Club’ character Tyler Durden sounds like it could be a proper English name, but if there was a ‘Fight Club’ in England, the first rule of Fight Club would be No Fighting.

And hey, did you ever hear Brad Pitt try to do a british accent? Yikes. He has all the range of a veal calf. He sounded worse than Bob Dylan trying to speak Chinese. But strangely, British actors have no problem at all doing American accents. Why is that? In fact, they have taken over a lot of our favorite tv and movie characters. On ‘The Walking Dead’, Rick Grimes, Maggie, Morgan, the Governor, and Jesus are all British. There are so many Brits on the show they should rename it ‘The Ambulatory Deceased’.

And the list includes some of our most beloved Superheroes. Henry Cavill, Christian Bale, Andrew Garfield are English, that’s Superman, Batman and Spider-Man. And even the new Spider-Man, Tom Holland is British. Both Jeremy Irons and Michael Caine were Alfred, which begs the question ‘What’s it all about, Alfred?’ (Ah, you’re too young to get that reference). Two actors have played Professor Xavier and they are both English, so are both actors who played Magneto. Fellow X-Men The Beast, Nightcrawler and Jean Grey, and Avengers Quicksilver and The Vision are British. So are the actors who played Doctor Strange, Daredevil, Commissioner Gordon, The Thing, Mister Fantastic, Odin, Ozymandias as well as super-villains Dr. Octopus, Sinestro, Killer Croc, Col. Stryker, Juggernaut, Toad, Azazel, The Lizard, and Loki. All English. Add to that Ryan Reynold’s Green Lantern is Canadian, while Eric Bana’s Hulk, Chris Hemsworth’s Thor and Hugh Jackman’s The Wolverine are Australian. An Australian Hulk? I understand they let Mel Gibson audition to play Hulk. But the Hulk is a rampaging rage monster who smashes everything in sight, and they felt Mel Gibson was just too angry for the role. Plus the Hulk isn’t anti-Semitic. I’m beginning to wonder if we have any American superheroes left, except for the Captain with America right in his name. If Donald Trump is going to bring back jobs to America, can he please start with our superheroes?

But I digress. I don’t remember what my point was, but I’m pretty sure I had one. Oh yeah, British servant shows. Why do women love these Victorian period pieces so much? They’re usually intelligent and independent women, too, yet these butler-laden bodice rippers get them steamier than an Icelandic orgy.

No, wait, I remember my point now: it’s not easy writing political comedy. Reason two, you get distracted. As I just demonstrated with the last ten paragraphs. I was saying the life of a political joke is short, and getting shorter. There was a time before the 24-hour news cycle when a political scandal stuck around for a long time. Watergate hung around for years and years, like an Irish houseguest. Comics in the 1970’s could take months to work out Watergate bits, and if they were solid, you could tell those jokes for half a decade. Fashions and music trends would change before your Watergate jokes got old. The first time you tell your Watergate joke on stage, you’re wearing bell-bottom jeans and a tie-dye T-shirt, and years later you’re telling it on stage wearing a white Disco suit. And it’s the same old joke about E. Howard Hunt, or H.R. Haldeman, or R.L. Stine, or George R.R. Martin, or whoever the hell was involved in the break-in. And actually, it kind of was a Game of Thrones, except instead of a dragon Queen who could walk through fire, you had G. Gordon Liddy who liked to hold a torch to his hand to show how tough he was. If you don’t know who he is, that’s okay, just picture Negan, but high on cocaine and patriotism.

People had better things to do in the 1970’s than obsess on scandals, and the only way to follow it was in newspapers and on the evening news. Which, if you were not home while the evening news was on, tough luck, there was no recording it. And 1970’s people were definitely out, and doing much cooler things than watching the evening news. Like driving around in a Pontiac Firebird and smoking a joint, or going to a Pink Floyd concert and smoking a joint, or throwing a key-party orgy and smoking a joint, or just smoking a joint and smoking a joint. You could do a lot of fun things in the 1970’s, as long as you had a joint. Those were the rules. Even if you got pulled over by the police, you better have a joint on you, the cops will ask you, “Licence..registration...proof of joint…”

So political scandals unfolded at a leisurely pace. Which is not to say people were not involved in politics, maybe it was the draft, or maybe it was the joint, but they were very involved. They were the only generation that ended an unpopular war through protest, and threw a corrupt President out of office. I think it was the weed, because after that, the police stopped making sure you had a joint.

But things are different in the Trump era. If you can call a presidency that only lasts until he quits this summer an “era”. More like the Trump “error”. Trump has a new scandal every day, every fourteen hours to be precise, so by the time you write a good joke, it’s over. It’s old news, and on to the next scandal. Tiny hands, Meryl Streep, grab ‘em by the pussy, Betsy DeVos, Michael Flynn, and now wiretap, the scandals are coming too fast. - That’s what she said! The jokes are obsolete by the time the pen leaves the paper, because by the time you read this, the whole wiretap scandal will be over and he’ll be on to the next inexcusable act. And that will only be like, two days from now.

I realize now that when I write about politics, I’m like one of those monks who make paintings out of different colored grains of sand. It takes them forever to do it, and the minute they’re done, they erase it. And they move on to the next one.

And I’ve never had more fun.

[racingtoaredlight]

Cancellation Saturday: Degenerate’ guide to college football tv watch ‘em ups for week 3, 2018 season

We’re slowly creeping our way to actual competitions. I don’t want to pretend that matters much to me in the early season. I like the college football version of preseason.

This list of games is ripped from a site that may or may not have updated their schedule for the hurricane. Guess we’ll all find out together!

Saturday, September 15

Matchup                                                   Time (ET)              TV/Mobile

Ball State at Indiana                                12:00pm                    BTN

My watching has regressed this season to the point where I couldn’t tell you if there’s even one NFL prospect in this game. Indiana usually has at least one so, uh, keep an eye on that.

Florida State at Syracuse                        12:00pm         ABC/ESPN/2/U

Last I checked FSU was a somewhat dodgy 3-point favorite. This is not because Syracuse has gotten better.

Hawaii at Army                                          12:00pm                 CBSSN

Is the Cole McDonald magic a season-long phenomenon or is it just a fluke offense doing the work for him? Beating Army won’t prove he’s good but losing might prove he’s a fluke.

Kent State at Penn State                           12:00pm                  FS1

I put a Penn State guy in the RTARLsman rankings in the obvious hope that they lose to Kent State.

Miami (FL) at Toledo                                   12:00pm        ABC/ESPN/2/U

The consensus among professional gamblers is that Toledo +10.5 is easy money. The “objective” rankings on SB Nation actually have Toledo ranked higher than Miami. Miami’s offensive line is trying to get Malik Rosier killed and Ahmmon Richards is out with an “injury” sustained while yelling at Rosier in the locker room. Canes by 50.

Murray State at Kentucky                           12:00pm               SECNA

Kentucky broke their losing steak to Florida so it would be quite fitting if they lose today.

Oklahoma at Iowa State                              12:00pm         ABC/ESPN/2/U

This would be so much more appealing to me if Rodney Anderson hadn’t torn his ACL. As it stands it’s probably a good matchup that could turn into a dogfight but I don’t plan on watching any of it.

Rhode Island at UConn                                12:00pm           SNY/ESPN3

UConn’s program is about the same as Kansas’s program.

Rutgers at Kansas                                        12:00pm                   FSN

Rutgers may very well be back on the Kansas level, too.

Temple at Maryland                                      12:00pm                   BTN

I understand the way the early results have gone but Maryland -16 still sounds crazy to me. Go Owls, in any case.

Troy at Nebraska                                           12:00pm                 BTN

Here’s a fun statement that can be more or less objectively quantified to be true: Scott Frost inherited a better roster at UCF than the roster he inherited this year at Nebraska. To wit: this year’s UCF seniors were all there before he signed on to coach them.

Tulane at UAB                                                 12:00pm              Facebook

I know I’ve been telling UAB to drop football again but this is kind of a beauty. Damn facebook to hell, though.

UCF at North Carolina                                    12:00pm           ABC/ESPN/2/U

I’m pretty sure this game is at least postponed?

East Carolina at Virginia Tech                         12:20pm              ACCN

ECU is back to non-cupcake status now. Maybe. They killed UNC last week. Maybe that isn’t proof of anything.

Georgia Tech at Pitt                                         12:30pm               RSN

A game between two teams that should have won last week.

UC Davis at Stanford                                       2:00pm               Pac-12N

On the one hand Stanford should score 100 against UC Davis. On the other hand David Shaw isn’t a big fan of scoring 30 or more points.

Vanderbilt at Notre Dame                                2:30pm                 NBC

A game between rape-apologist program where nobody wins unless Brian Kelly dies.

Ohio at Virginia                                                 3:00pm             ACCNExtra

ACCNE extra getting off to a late start today. UVA is a 5.5 point-and-dropping favorite as I write this. I don’t know about the points but the O/U has gone up by 6.5 which seems odd.

Boise State at Oklahoma State                      3:30pm         ABC/ESPN/2/U

Brett Rypien has escaped his timeshare and is now a contender to go in the 1st round next year. That still seems a little high to me but he does have a ver similar gun to his dad. Who was either undrafted or like a 12th round pick and took about 5 years to develop into an NFL starter.

BYU at Wisconsin                                            3:30pm            ABC/ESPN/2

Hornibrook is going to win the Heisman. I don’t like it much more than you. I’m lying. I fucking love it. All he needs to do is rack up 13 QB wins by the time voting is closed.

Central Michigan at NIU                                 3:30pm                ESPN Plus

I don’t do MACtion but there are a few NFL prospects in this game.

Duke at Baylor                                                3:30pm                    FS1

A true conundrum.

Georgia Southern at Clemson                       3:30pm        ABC/ESPN/2/U

Tune in early if you want to see the guys you’ve heard of.

Lehigh at Navy                                                3:30pm                CBSSN

Navy hasn’t looked great so far this year but this is a trash game so maybe they can work out the kinks here?

LSU at Auburn                                                3:30pm                  CBS

Whoever wins this gets to be wildly overrated for the rest of the season.

Miami (Ohio) at Minnesota                             3:30pm                 BTN

Minnesota -13 don’t make no kind of damn sense.

SMU at Michigan                                             3:30pm                BTN

If Harbaugh doesn’t beat the spread I might join the pitchforks.

Southern Miss at Appalachian State             3:30pm          ESPN Plus

App State deserves to lose every game for the way they blew a sure victory over Penn State.

USF at Illinois                                                    3:30pm                BTN

I feel like Illinois should have good recruiting grounds but they’ve had like 5 decent seasons in my lifetime. 

West Virginia at NC State                                 3:30pm        ABC/ESPN/2/U

Pretty sure this is not happening today.

Colorado State at Florida                                 4:00pm            SECN

The McElwain Game! He’s gone and already mostly forgotten, which is a shame because of that one time he humped a shark.

Eastern Kentucky at Bowling Green               4:00pm           ESPN3

Not the best use of your time but my whole point is to talk you into watching every single game so watch this and report back. Wait, ESPN3 still exists? I thought it was ESPN+ now. They’re different things?

Houston at Texas Tech                                     4:00pm            FOX

Texas Tech throws early, often, and poorly. If Ed Oliver is going to get an eye catching number of sacks for the year this game is the key.

North Texas at Arkansas                                  4:00pm          SECNA

This is a classic SEC out of conference game.

UTSA at Kansas State                                      4:00pm             FSN

The Bill Snyder magic may in fact be gone. Take UTSA +21.5 in my honest opinion.

Wofford at Wyoming                                        4:00pm             MWN

I actually like Wyoming’s stupid uniforms for what little it’s worth.

New Hampshire at Colorado                           5:00pm        P12N MTN

This is a pretty bad week overall.

San Jose State at Oregon                                5:00pm            Pac-12N

I’ve got to tune in to see Justin Herbert but he might get pulled before the end of the 1st quarter.

Bethune-Cookman at Florida Atlantic            6:00pm            Stadium

There are people in the world who really believe that Lane Kiffin deserves a high level D-1A job. That’s a pretty bad idea.

Eastern Michigan at Buffalo                             6:00pm          ESPN Plus

Give Tyree Jackson a shot. I love the velocity he puts on his throws even if his WRs are horrible and drop most of them.

Idaho State at California                                   6:00pm         P12N BAY

Idaho State’s first year back in 1-AA has featured 3 games against 1-A teams to start the series.

Old Dominion at Charlotte                                6:00pm            ESPN3

This is crap all the way through.

Alabama at University of Mississippi               7:00pm             ESPN

Bama’s weakness if they have one is the inexperienced secondary. Mississippi’s strength is 4 top-50 level pass catching prospects. The Tide should roll anyway but I won’t be that surprised if Mississippi makes a game of it.

Alabama A&M at Cincinnati                              7:00pm            ESPN3

A very evenly matched watch ‘em up.

Arkansas State at Tulsa                                     7:00pm           CBSSN

This is the kind of stupid game that I write these posts for. Of course it’s on CBS Sports.

Campbell at Coastal Carolina                            7:00pm           ESPN3

What the shit is this crap?

Delaware State at Western Michigan                7:00pm        ESPN Plus

And this?

Oregon State at Nevada                                      7:00pm          ESPN3

And this, too, really but there is a little bit of a soft spot in my heart for Nevada as the birthplace of the pistol.

Texas State at South Alabama                            7:00pm       ESPN Plus

Explosive matchup of two teams that grab 1-star recruits in states where starting for a full season in high school gets you 3 stars.

Middle Tennessee at Georgia                              7:15pm          ESPN2

MTSU is a relatively good OOC matchup for an SEC team but we’re now in a Georgia age of college football and MTSU is going to be slaughtered.

Akron at Northwestern                                         7:30pm            BTN

MAC is the minor league version of Big XII ball. I can’t believe y’all watch this shit. Oh, right, Northwestern is actually a B1G team. Close enough.

Louisiana at Mississippi State                             7:30pm          SECNA

If the “State” was on the other side of the vs. this would be a great game. In real life it is not going to be a great game.

Marshall at South Carolina                                  7:30pm          ESPNU

How has Marshall looked this year so far?

Missouri at Purdue                                                7:30pm            BTN

Mizzou at Purdue is fun to say. Drew Lock is pretty good but I have the Missouri offense.

Northern Iowa at Iowa                                          7:30pm            BTN

Do it for the kids UNI!

ULM at Texas A&M                                                7:30pm          SECN

This might get a spot in the rotation. I’m kind of intrigued by aTm under Jimbo Fisher. I don’t think I have any expectations for him.

UMass at FIU                                                         7:30pm    beIN SPORTS

Come on, Butch, get this Panther ship righted!

WKU at Louisville                                                  7:30pm            RSN

Petrino Bowl! This might actually be a pretty good game. Louisville kind of sucks this year.

Eastern Washington at Washington State          8:00pm       Pac-12N

There’s something weird about this game but I forget what it is. So keep that in mind.

New Mexico at New Mexico State                       8:00pm     AggieVision

The winner gets to be New Mexico State for the next 12 months. The loser has to be regular New Mexico.

Ohio State at TCU                                                   8:00pm         ABC

I’ve been feeling the Dwayne Haskins hype and it either goes through the roof after this one or Urban Meyer will have to play savior when he comes back next week.

USC at Texas                                                            8:00pm        FOX

Great brand name matchup of secretly (or not) bad coaches. USC has a great freshman QB and Texas has really nice uniforms. The rest of this is garbage.

Washington at Utah                                                10:00pm       ESPN

The weird front-loaded schedule rolls on for the Pac-12. This would be an incredible game in November. It’s very odd in September.

Arizona State at San Diego State                          10:30pm     CBSSN

Herm Edwards is really good, guys! He’s got his team ranked! He’s going to get blown out by SDSU!

Fresno State at UCLA                                              10:30pm         FS1

At least a little bit interesting. I’ve got a good feeling about Chip Kelly at UCLA but he’s got a lot of building to do. I think it’s worth watching him flail around trying to find his way.

Southern Utah at Arizona                                        11:00pm      Pac-12N

When will Kevin Sumlin and Khalil Tate get on the same page? Probably never but they should win this game by 80.

Prairie View A&M at UNLV                                        10:00pm         MWN

I went through and did the formatting and started up from the bottom and now I see the times are really fucked. At least a little. This is an objectively bad game. But I do like UNLV’s QB.

UTEP at Tennessee                                                    12:00pm       SECN

Not sure what’s going on here. It’s the last game listed but it says 12pm and it’s in Tennessee. But I can see the reasoning behind scheduling this at midnight to minimize the chances of somebody randomly stumbling upon it and accidentally watching a couple of minutes of it.

#football #college football #macy's #saturday post

[char27martin]

Tim Knox: The Magic Formula for Great Story Ideas

  By Tim Knox

Is there a magic formula you can use to consistently come up with great story ideas for your books? I’m not sure there’s much magic to it, but I’m happy to share with you the formula that I use to come up with ideas for my own books and those for my clients.

Actually, it’s more of a mathematical equation than a magic formula, but saying I have a mathematical equation just doesn’t impress my writer pals at the coffee shop like saying I have a magic formula does. I do use a plus sign (+), a multiplication sign (x), and an equals sign (=), still, would you rather be Harry Potter or Albert Einstein?

Yeah, me, too.

So, here my magic formula for coming up with great story ideas.

Character + Situation x Obstacles = Ending

I know, not really that magical, but it can create a magical story when the spell is spun correctly.

Basically, you take a character (or characters), drop them in a situation, put obstacles in their path that they must overcome, and let the story progress to the ending, be it happy, unhappy, tragic, or otherwise.

Let’s look closer at each factor before putting the formula to a test.

CHARACTER

Every great story requires a strong main character (or characters) that readers can relate to or connect with on some emotional level. That character can be the prototypical hero or heroine, a villain, a human, an alien, a dog, a cat—even a spider named Charlotte.

Or perhaps the book features an anti-hero; a bad guy or girl with some redeeming qualities that cause the reader to root for them even though their heart may be fifty shades of grey (see what I did there?).

Think Dexter, Lucifer, Holden Caulfield, Scarlett O’Hara, Tom Ripley, the young Darth Vader, or just about any character in Game of Thrones.

For example, Jaime Lannister is a conniving murderer who pushed a little boy off a tall tower and sleeps with his sister, yet he is one of the most popular characters in the Game of Thrones books and TV show. Why? Because he connects on some emotional level with readers (and probably more so to female viewers of the series on HBO).

Join us August 10-12, 2018 in NYC!

SITUATION

The situation is the proverbial soup the character finds himself swimming in. If you’re the character, the situation can be anything from waking up with a dead body next to you in bed, to finding out your wife has disappeared and you’re the prime suspect, to realizing you only have a few weeks left to live, to finding out that you have a ten-year-old son from a one-night stand that you didn’t know existed. The situation is the vehicle that carries the story. It is the impetus that drives the character toward the obstacles and through to the end.

OBSTACLES

An obstacle can be anything that gets in the way of the character’s progress or desires, or threatens life and limb, or prevents the character from getting what he seeks. It can be as simple as a pimple on senior picture day, to missing a flight, to falling in love with a married woman, to opening the door to find an ax murderer standing there.

Obstacles are what make a story interesting. We want to see the hero triumph over adversity, even when things seem insurmountable. The greater the obstacle, the more the reader will care about the hero. Obstacles give the story purpose, they put meat on its bones, they give us something to fear and something to root for.

ENDING

The ending of a story should be determined by how well the hero has worked through the given situation, overcome the obstacles, and arrived at the end of the journey. Sometimes that ending is happily ever after, sometimes it’s happy for now, sometimes it’s misery and tragedy, and sometimes you’re left hanging by your fingernails at a cliff.

No matter the ending you write, it must be logically determined by all that has come before otherwise the reader will be disappointed by the resolution or lack thereof.

If you’ve taken the reader down one long road, then suddenly veered off in another direction to end the tale in an unexpected way, you’re going to tick the reader off. Your sales, reviews, and reputation will reflect their disappointment.

Imagine the reader backlash if, after all that has happened in Lord of the Rings, Frodo wakes up to find that it was all just a bad dream. Not good, J.R.R.; not good at all.

So, again: Character + Situation x Obstacles = Ending

See if any of these bestselling plots sound familiar to you.

An old fisherman who has not caught a fish in 84 days (Character) goes out to sea alone and hooks a large marlin (Situation) which is eaten by hungry sharks before the old man with the fish lashed to his boat get back to shore (Obstacles). Because of the size of the marlin’s skeleton, the old fisherman is redeemed in the eyes of his village and gains the respect of his peers once more (Ending).

Or this one:

A young orphan boy living with nasty relatives (Character) discovers he is a wizard and is sent to wizarding school (Situation) only to face an evil sorcerer and his minions who seek to dominate the world (Obstacles). The young boy and his friends defeat the evil sorcerer and save the day (Ending).

Or perhaps this one:

A poor young man and a wealthy young girl (Characters) fall in love despite their socioeconomic differences (Situation) but her rich family opposes the union, and she is sworn to another, forcing her to choose between love and obligation (Obstacles). She makes her choice and lives to be an old woman in a nursing home whose husband reads to her every day (Ending).

Or finally:

A young boy, disfigured by a facial birth defect, (Character) goes to public school for the first time (Situation) only to face cruelty and bullying from children and adults alike (Obstacles). He overcomes adversity and becomes an inspiration to all (Ending).

Do any of those books sound familiar? Do you see how they all fit the magic formula?

In a nutshell: take a normal (or abnormal) character, drop them in an abnormal (or normal) situation, pepper their journey with obstacles, maybe throw in a little romance, a little humor, a little dark magic, a little serial killing, whatever you like, and see how they faire. That’s how you make the magic happen.

Watch the video at the top of the article for more insights on how to come up with great story ideas.

Tim Knox is an author, ghostwriter, editor, and publishing coach who has ghostwritten over 100 books in various fiction and nonfiction genres, and produced over 200 videos and podcasts on the topic of how to become a better writer. Tim’s company, Knox Publishing, works with new and established authors to help them improve their writing skills and marketability. His novels, Angel of Mercy and Sins of the Father, as well as other works, may be found on his website at timknoxbooks.com.

The post Tim Knox: The Magic Formula for Great Story Ideas appeared first on WritersDigest.com.

from Writing Editor Blogs – WritersDigest.com http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/there-are-no-rules/craft-technique/tim-knox-the-magic-formula-for-great-story-ideas

[fictionalescapeartist-blog]

    I know, I know I have been gone for a while. I took a bit of a sabbatical, because I was having a hard time coming up with content and then would go into a shame spiral etc. Blogging stopped being fun and became another thing to beat myself up about, if you haven’t picked up on it I might have a slight self esteem issues… but I am back and applying less pressure on myself because ultimately I enjoy blogging.

  Anyway! I wanted to take a few to talk about some of my favorite Fictional Escapes (see what I did there?) from 2017. Some I blogged about already, some I have not. Even though I have it in a list format, it is not a ranking. THAT WOULD BE LIKE ASKING ME TO PICK A FAVORITE CHILD! Here are 10 favorite things from 2017:

s1. Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid

I blogged about this book, so I wont spend a ton of time on this one, my feelings on this book are well documented here, on Twitter and Facebook. BTW Taylor Jenkins Reid is a mega sweetie to her fans, I suggest following her. This book was absolutely amazing! I read it in like a day. I say read, but more devoured it. The book takes you through 2 stories of very different women and how their lives connect. It is beautifully written and so well done at times I forgot I wasn’t reading an Autobiography.

2. Reincarnation Blues

Another one that I haven’t shut up about since I read it. Milo is the oldest soul in the universe, living nearly all of his 10,000 lives. We are taken through several of his lives as he tries to reach perfection, as well as his time between lives where he is in love with a Death who goes by Suzie. This book is magical, fun, and at times heart breaking. This book is reminiscent of Douglas Adams. The many different worlds Michael Poore has built in just one book is astounding.

3. Twin Peaks the Return

What can I say about this show? Honestly I am never so happy to be confused then when watching Twin Peaks, and the Return took that up a notch or. Kyle MacLachlan playing several hard roles so perfectly, you forget its the same actor. Dougie Jones absolutely broke my heart on a weekly basis, while the bad Cooper was scary as hell. The fact they were on Showtime, they were able to get a lot darker then in the original show. Plus we so got this beautiful sigh-worthy moment:

#BigEdandNormaForever

4. The final season of the Mindy Project

Mindy, Mindy, Mindy. There is nothing that Mindy Kaling has done that I didn’t love, this show included. I was hooked from the very first episode. The characters, the story line, the jokes, everything was perfect. Season 6 was the shortest and one of the best seasons of the show. They wrapped up everyone’s story line, with out every feeling like everyone was short changed or rushed. With out spoiling the overall story arch, I was nervous about how the show would end, the direction it seemed to head and they nailed it, with out sacrificing the character’s emotional growth as I feared they could. This show goes down as one of my all time favorites with 30 Rock, Parks and Rec and Scrubs. I will miss this show so much!

5. Season 3 of Playing House

  Ugh! I guess technically I should have titled this one “The final season of Playing House” but I’m not there emotionally and it is too soon. I knew the Mindy Project was ending, this one was ripped from my arms by the cruel USA. This show. THIS SHOW YOU GUYS! I have so many thoughts and feelings about it, and have blogged about it in the past. The entire show is amazing, but season 3 was something truly special. Season 3 had Emma being diagnosed with breast cancer and shows her and Maggie battle it together, in a story line “ripped from the headlines” as Law and Order likes to say. You see in reality the lead actresses Jessica and Lennon are best friends, and Jessica did have breast cancer. The way the show handled the story line was perfect. It was touching and informative. It was sad at times with out ever actually feeling too heavy. They educated us on cancer treatment options, with out ever pulling you out of the story or feeling preachy about things. Damn you USA Network for canceling it! If you have On Demand, I could not recommend watching this show enough.

6. Womp It Up! Podcast

What? Jessica and Lennon get 2 spots on your list? Yes they do, because they are amazing people who rocked my 2017. Womp It Up! has been around for a while, but I didn’t discover it until this year, and luckily for me I didn’t have to wait a year and half between episodes like other fans. Womp I Up! is a comedy podcast that was birthed from Comedy Bang Bang characters. Jessica St Clair plays Marissa Wompler, a 17(ish) year old, not very well adjusted, student at the Marina Del Rey High School, the podcast is her senior project. She is doing some alternative learning in her school’s program called STARS, ran by her teacher and lets face it best friend Charlotte Listler, played by Lennon Parahm. Every week there is a new comedian on playing a person in the Marina Del Rey community. My favorite has been Andrew Daly as Joe Bongos, the Health teacher who has some interesting ideas on what to teach the kids.

7. Oh, Hello on Broadway

Oh, Hello got it’s start on the Nick Kroll Show, where Gil Faizon and George St Geegland had a prank show on public access channel in New York. Their one prank was ordering a tuna sandwich with way too much tuna, ultimately getting the person say “That’s too much tuna”. What was the prank show called? Too Much Tuna of course. Somehow, in Nick Kroll and John Mulaney’s brilliance they were able to make a super successful Broadway play based on these two dirt bags.

Gil (a writer) and George (an actor) have been best friends and roommates since the 1970s. They decided to write an autobiographical play telling their story. The brilliance of this show is the play that is happening around the play. It gets pretty meta at times, often Gil and George stop the actual play to have their own interactions, generally it is Gil giving George notes on how he is doing in the play. The sheer detail that has gone into this show is mind boggling. I can’t even describe the layers of the play. I highly recommend checking it out.

8. Wonder Woman

Let’s not get into a DC vs MCU argument here, generally I am an MCU fan and haven’t been too excited over the last few DC movies, but this one. I will admit was a little nervous when I first saw Gal Gadot was cast as Wonder Woman, but she won me over immediately in Batman vs Superman. I was still cautiously optimistic for the Wonder Woman movie, but it came out better then I imagined. In my opinion it was just awesome (I am aware of the issues people had with it, but to me the good outweigh the bad). I enjoyed the hell out of it, it made me laugh and cry. I also enjoyed the feel of it, different then the other super hero movies, it felt more like a war movie. If you haven’t seen it, check it out!

9. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 and Thor: Ragnarok

I decided to combine these two into one, because well I didn’t want this list to be 3/4s super hero movies. I could also write a book on my feelings for these two movies and their directors. Guardians was written and directed by James Gunn and Thor was directed by Taiki Waititi, a kiwi writer and director known for his work with Flight of the Concords, What we do in the Shadows to name a couple. Also if you’re looking for a sort of weird but sweet movie, check out Eagle Vs Shark.

These two movies have a bit of a rag-tag team thing going on, and both delve into family relationships. They are both visually stunning, and laugh out loud hilarious, (yes I know that is a problem some people have with Marvel, but I love to laugh and they are right up my alley). Their similarities are one reason I decided to group them together. The first Guardians became my favorite Marvel movie about 10 minutes into it, and was thrilled that James Gunn actually made something better. I have always had a soft spot for Thor, and been sad at the state of the movies he’s had. I left Ragnarok thinking they finally gave him the movie he deserves, also Jeff Goldblum at his Goldbumiest.

My other favorite part of both of these movies, is they seemed to fix the villain problem. Hela and Ego managed to be interesting and complex. They didn’t seem to fall flat like others have in the past.

These two movies are all in all a good ass time!

10. Hamilton the Musical, paired with Hamilton the book

   I know, I know. It’s based on true events, but some of it is changed for dramatic effect. I am so late to the game on Hamilton, but I just recently got Spotify Premium which let me listen to the soundtrack in order… and I am HOOKED. I decided to check out the biography the musical was based on by Ron Chernow. Combining the two adds a lot more depth to the play, certain lines in songs make sense. There is so much drama in Hamilton’s life, so much that the play never even touched on.

If you want to add to your Hamilton experience, read the book as well. Honestly, it makes the entire experience so much better.

  Thanks for reading everyone!

    Check out my top 10 from 2017 list of my favorite Fictional Escapes. I know, I know I have been gone for a while. I took a bit of a sabbatical, because I was having a hard time coming up with content and then would go into a shame spiral etc.

#fiction #books #favorites list #movies #musicals #reading #tv shows

[sandy-hairedstrays]

Sarah’s Solo Travels

   I started my solo travels with a week long yoga retreat at Blue Indigo Yoga Retreat in Siem Riep. I personally didn’t have much experience with yoga before but Cassidy and I went to a handful of classes throughout our journey. I was so interested in learning more about yoga and meditation and thought it would be a great way to start my solo adventure. I was right, it was the perfect transition. I was the only guest at the retreat for the first couple days with about 4 instructors. I thought I would hate that but it worked in my favor because I got so much personalized instruction and help. But this was also the most challenging thing I have ever done, it was challenging for my body and my mind. The first two days I had 7 yoga/meditation classes per day. I have never been more sore in my entire life. Plus meditation is a difficult practice in itself; it’s hard to sit still for such a long period of time and only focus on your breathing. I absolutely loved this experience though because it was the perfect way to reflect on my journey so far and mentally prepare myself for being on my own. Plus it was a great week of detoxing, eating vegan, and just refreshing my body.

   After that amazing week I was heading to my next destination: the Philippines! I had a difficult time deciding where I wanted to go on my own and the Philippines were always at the top of the list but I was a little nervous because there were travel warnings, especially for Americans. But one of my favorite girls, Chelsea, had traveled there alone and absolutely loved it and never felt in danger. Thank god I listened to her because I fell in love with the Philippines! First, I went to the island Boracay. I stayed at Frendz Hostel and instantly met an incredible group of girls from Canada that became some of my very best friends. We joined the boat party that the hostel was putting on that included cliff jumping, snorkeling, and playing drinking games on Puka Beach. We spent the entire day smiling, laughing, playing the drums, hanging out on the edge of the boat, and I grew to be so close with my girls Kelsey, Cass, Jade, and Marie. 

  The next evening, one of my close friends from Cambodia named Adam arrived and I was lucky enough to travel with him throughout the rest of the Philippines. That night was also Pasta Night at the hostel which is free pasta and live music that turns into a big dance party. This was probably my favorite night in Boracay. We went on the boat party yet again because Adam wanted to go plus there were about 40 people that were going (the first one there was only about 12 people). I spent the week playing on the beach, consuming my daily smoothie bowl, dancing a lot, and meeting a lot of really great people. The amount of bugs there were actually insane too, I don’t think I have ever been that covered in bug bites all over my body. I loved Boracay but it was very touristy so I was excited to explore other parts of the Philippines. 

  Adam and I flew back to Manila for a couple of days before heading to Palawan. We spent those days doing laundry, working out, going to a movie, refreshing, but mainly we went to see one of my favorite artists in concert. We got to be front row at the Jai Wolf concert and it was one of the greatest experiences. Next, we flew to Puerto Princesa on the island Palawan and stayed at Sheebang Hostel. I was on a mission to eat their local delicacy called Chao Long which is basically the filipino version of Vietnamese pho, it was so delicious! We went to bed early because we had to get up at 6am the next day to swim with whale sharks. There is only a 50/50 chance of actually seeing any whale sharks though. In Cebu, a more southern Filipino island, they lure them out of their natural migration so tourists can swim with them and there is a lot of speculation around the ethics of it. Here, we followed the signs of bubbles in the water and birds flying around. Unfortunately, we did not get to see any whale sharks. But we still got to spend a beautiful day out on a boat, however on our way back to shore we got caught in a crazy rain storm. We were completely drenched and freezing, we were even sitting on the boat with our snorkeling masks on because we were getting pelted in the face with raindrops. After getting back to the hostel and finally being able to warm up, we joined a big group of people and played drinking games. This is when we formed what we called the Rum Crew, which consisted of me and 6 cheeky brits (Adam, Bradley, Joey, Charlotte, Tom, and Dan) <3

  The next day, the 7 of us went on a 6 hour bus ride up to El Nido at the Northern tip of Palawan. That was by far my favorite bus ride of my entire trip. We stayed at Outpost Hostel and it was fantastic! From the road, you have to go down a huge staircase to get down to the hostel directly on the beach. That first night, Bradley and I competed in a beer pong tournament but lost in the final round. The next day a group of us rented scooters to go to a waterfall and to Nacpan Beach. I was on the back of Bradley’s scooter and while we were driving through town, we lost the rest of the group. We figured we would just meet them at the waterfall since that was the plan. Once we got to the waterfall signs, we were given a guide, and started walking. Little did we know it was about a 45 minute hike to get there. We were hungover and hiking in flip flops so it was a bit of a struggle and our guide kept making fun of us. But the waterfall was beautiful and it was nice to swim around in it for a while. Once we hiked back down, we continued the adventure to find Nacpan Beach hoping to find our other friends there too. That part of the day was quite hilarious/stressful because we had to make our way down this extremely muddy road, through massive puddles for about a mile. But eventually we made it to the beach and it was so worth the hassle. The sand was so soft, the water was so warm and so blue, and yes we did find our friends there. Thank god we got that fun, sunny day because then a typhoon hit and it poured rain the rest of the time. The next day I last minute joined a group of people from the hostel for a boat tour, even though yes it was raining. We still had a great day on the boat and got to see the big lagoon and the secret lagoon, both had incredibly clear blue water. That night at the hostel was the gender bender party, meaning if the guys dress up in girls clothes they drink for free all night. I dressed up all of my guys friends in my rompers, dresses, and crop tops; I even let them use my lipstick, we had the most fun, hilarious night ever. Sadly, the next day our rum crew separated but we became so close in those 5 days and they are some of my favorite people in the world. It rained the rest of the time in the Philippines which definitely hindered us from doing some of the activities that I wanted to do. So Adam and I headed back to Manila for a couple days before we had to separate too. Adam was heading to Indonesia (which is where Bradley and the others went) and I was heading to Singapore on my own. Saying goodbye to Adam was the hardest goodbye because he was my rock after Cassidy went home. He constantly made me laugh and he looked out for me, I know he will be one of my close friends for the rest of my life.

  I was only in Singapore for 12 hours, as a quick layover before heading to Australia. But I was able to go to Gardens by the Bay which is a nature park and waterfront gardens. It was unreal, the Cloud Forest was like being inside of the movie Avatar. There was a 35m tall waterfall and everything was so lush and so green. Plus there was an amazing orchid display. The Flower Dome was also great, it had an autumn theme so there were pumpkins and fall colors everywhere. Then I walked the skyway in the SuperTree Grove and got to see the gardens from above. It was a wonderful but quick day in Singapore.

  From Singapore, I was heading to my 8th and final country (well continent); Australia. I flew into Brisbane but there wasn’t much to do there, so I moved south down to Surfer’s Paradise. This is where I met TJ, Michael, and Jessica who remained my close friends for the rest of OZ. My all time favorite part of Australia was Byron Bay, which is even more south than Surfer’s. Byron Bay is a funky coastal town where I spent my time on the beach, shopping, or our nightly watering hole called Cheeky Monkey’s. One afternoon we hiked to the lighthouse at the tip of the coast, where it is also the most easterly point of Australia. I went skydiving over the bay, which was by far my favorite activity I did throughout my whole adventure. I jumped from 15,000 ft. with a 60 second free fall and about a 6 minute float back down to the ground. It was unbelievably exhilarating and the views were stunning. I was happily surprised by how unafraid I was, even during the 15 minute ride to reach elevation. After an extraordinary 4 days, I flew down to Sydney to meet my family.

  It was fantastic being to share my unique traveling lifestyle with my family and close family friends. We hiked the Blue Mountains, we took a ferry out to Manly Beach, we did the Coastal Walk from Coogee Beach to the famous Bondi Beach, we hilariously dressed up as obnoxious Coloradans for Halloween, and I even got to introduce them to my close friends TJ and Michael. After Sydney, we flew up to Cairns/Port Douglas. Here we spent a day snorkeling at Fitzroy Island, we stayed at a hostel on Magnetic Island, we played with koalas, snakes, kangaroos, and wallabies. My dad even participated in a cane toad race and got 2nd place! It was the perfect way to end my unforgettable 5 months traveling around the world. 

   On my very long flight home, I was able to reflect on the past 5 months, all the beautiful places I’ve seen, all the highs and lows, most importantly the special people that I met along the way. I attempted to prepare myself for my transition back in to the real world, giving up feeling uncomfortable and being spontaneous, and entering a routine filled life. I have been home now for 10 days and it has been incredible reuniting with my best friends and my puppy. I did miss my beautiful Colorado mountains, though I am not ready to trade in warm beaches for freezing cold snow. It is and I’m sure will continue to be a difficult adjustment. 

Thank you for following along with my travels, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed sharing it. 

Sincerely,

The Solo Sandy-Haired Stray

[junker-town]

The '90s were the NBA's most memorable jersey phase, for better or worse

The 90s were a wild, glorious time for NBA jerseys

It’s NBA Jersey Week at SB Nation and there is no way we can talk about the history of basketball jerseys and skip over the ‘90s. The ‘90s are when NBA teams started get weird and traded in their traditional jersey looks for colorful, almost cartoonish, and sometimes downright ugly jerseys.

From Penny and Shaq in the pinstripes to Gary Payton and Shawn Kemp in a very forest green, I rounded up some of the best and worst of these jerseys. Then I got together when SB Nation’s finest, Zito Madu, Harry Lyles Jr, and Michael Sykes, and we gave our thoughts. Happy Jersey Week to you and yours.

Toronto Raptors: 1995-1999

Whitney: These were the jerseys the Raptors debuted when the franchise started in 1995. They literally debuted themselves to the world with a huge dinosaur on the chest, who is also dribbling a basketball, and has raptor shoes. Yet somehow, people still go nuts over these ... including myself.

Sykes: Those are the Air Dino 6’s, btw. I’m partially kidding, but I do feel like those sneakers should have a name. That’s what appeals to me most about the jersey. The color scheme is cool and it’s one of my favorite throwbacks, but the Raptor on the jersey is absolutely my favorite mascot of all-time. It’s so ridiculous yet so amazing at the same time. Honestly? It might be the best thing Canada has ever given us.

Zito: I remember these being in NBA Jam, and because everything that was in NBA Jam is inarguably great (not really, but I need a way to defend these), so are these jerseys. It doesn’t matter that it makes no sense that a Raptor is dribbling a basketball, while not evening wearing the jersey of the team but rather, wearing a white one with the letter “R” on it. With his feet claws poking out of the shoes. We don’t talk about that. Just like we don’t talk about other perplexing things like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Street Sharks. The jerseys are great because they were in NBA Jam and because Vince Carter could still dunk without having to ice for hours afterwards.

Harry: These jerseys bring back some of my earliest NBA memories, so whether or not they’re objectively good or bad, I like them. I always thought the color scheme the Raptors had was dope, but this really does work to me. One thing we don’t talk about often enough: the Raptor is palming the ball. But we’ll pretend like that’s not happening here.

Whitney: Dinosaurs play by a little different rules than everyone else.

Milwaukee Bucks: 1995-1999

Whitney: These were the Bucks’ road jerseys for four seasons. The team also missed the playoffs in three of those seasons. It may have been the the era of Ray Allen and Glenn Robinson but they aren’t exactly the glory days. I don’t hate these. I would probably support a Giannis-led Bucks team in them.

Harry: These are one of those things in life that’s kind of awkward and bad, which makes it somehow good? If the Bucks were to pull these out a couple of times a year, I wouldn’t mind it.

Zito: That Buck on the jersey looks like it should have appeared in Shadow’s vision in American Gods. Looks like an old god that visits you in times of distress to remind you that there are great things to come in your future. I believe that the Buck foretold of the coming of Giannis Antetokounmpo, so I will allow it.

Sykes: The only thing appealing about this jersey is the fact that it’s old. First of all, the deer just feels out of place here — it looks like the Bucks just found a stock photo of a deer and photoshopped it to the side of the jersey. Second, purple and green? Nah, fam. That’s hella 90’s, and fashion in the 90’s is way overrated. I’m a snob, yes. But that’s just ugly. Get it out of my sight.

Whitney: Sykes, ya know, I think that buck is actually stock 90s clipart now that you mention it.

Vancouver Grizzlies: 1995-2000

Whitney: These are so wild that they’re probably my favorite. Another jersey that was debuted with an expansion team, the Vancouver Grizzlies. I mean, the shorts had a huge grizzly bear on them. Of all the 90’s jerseys for sale today, think this is the one I would buy. The Vancouver Grizzlies were never that good on the court but these jerseys were.

Harry: I’m with Whitney on these. All of the small design aspects on these are awesome. The Grizzly claw holding the basketball on the top of the shorts is one of my favorite alternate NBA logos, and I’m glad the current Grizzlies team still utilizes that. But if we’re talking overall color scheme and design, give me these.

Zito: These look like something you find in a fake African clothing store in the gentrified neighborhoods of Brooklyn, but I like it.

Sykes: Zito, for the win. There’s nothing more I can follow up here with. These are dope.

Orlando Magic: 1989-1998

Whitney: In an era of expansion teams, it also gave us these Orlando Magic uniforms. They continued wearing them all the way until 1998 after debuting in 1989. They had three pinstripe jerseys total — white, black, and blue. It was so simple yet so good. I had a blue Penny jersey and a pair of his shoes during this time, so I’m biased about how great these are. This picture is perfect too with the NBA on NBC logo in the background. I’ll stop gushing now.

Zito: When I think of the Orlando Magic, which I try not to do often, I see them in these jerseys. They’re so simple and wonderful. I loved the star at the end of the shorts. I can’t really make any jokes about these, they’re nice.

Harry: These are also a favorite of mine. If I had the powers to make it happen, I’d make it so the Magic had to wear these today. The pinstripes, the number, the black, white, and blue just meshes together perfectly. I was also a fan of Penny Hardaway growing up so I’m a little biased, but there’s no denying these were perfect back then, and would work just as well now.

Sykes: Alright, I’ll be that guy. These jerseys stink. Way too many stripes for my taste. I do enjoy the color scheme of black, white and blue, but I just could’ve gone without the white stripes throughout the uniform. It ruins what is otherwise a brilliant design. Simple is good, and these stripes are just extra. Still, shoutout to Penny for the foamposites though — a D.C. fashion staple. So what if we’re wack?

Detroit Pistons: 1995-2001

Whitney: The teal era has it has been referred to. It brings back a lot of Grant Hill memories but that may be the only good thing about them. They definitely fit the cartoon theme running through the league at that time but they took it too far.

Harry: These remind me of how great Grant Hill could have been without injuries. Otherwise, yeah, don’t really dig these.

Zito: Grant Hill deserved better.

Whitney: We finally agree on something.

Sykes: Y’all tripping. These are clean. First off, the fact that Grant Hill wore these is always a plus to me. Plus, the Pistons are using an actual demon horse for this, which is totally badass. Automatic points for me. I love the teal here, and it doesn’t really match with the flame orange and black, but it reminds me of an old school Camaro color or something.

Phoenix Suns: 1992-2000

Whitney: The sunburst jerseys. Another jersey that fans wish was the current look. The Suns wore the Dan Majerle, Kevin Johnson, Charles Barkley. Jason Kidd even wore this jersey. The purple is good but I’m a bigger fan of the black alternate. They scream 90s NBA nostalgia to me.

Zito: I know there’s a lot of nostalgia around these jerseys, but no. These aren’t good. Is the basketball a comet? Can’t be, it has to be a sun. Then why are there tails of a comet? I can’t ignore this in the same way that I can ignore a Raptor dribbling a basketball. A man must have his limits.

Whitney: They’re not that bad, Zito.

Harry: The nostalgia certainly is real when I see these jerseys. They might not make sense like Zito mentions but damn it, they remind me of my early NBA fandom and watching Charles Barkley play basketball.

Sykes: I am a man with no limits. These are fire. No one will tell me otherwise.

Seattle Supersonics: 1995-2002

Whitney: The Sonics went darker with their color scheme and by dark I mean an intense forest green. They also added their own cartoon flair with the big Sonics font across the front. It proved to work for nostalgia and hipsters, I guess, as these Sonics went to the 1996 NBA Finals. But these are bad.

Zito: Seattle had a basketball team?

Whitney: That’s a little rude.

Harry: I try to pretend like these never happened but they did. Every franchise typically has one or two bad uniforms in their past so I won’t drag these as much as I might want to. Those teams did leave lasting memories, though.

Sykes: The nostalgia play is definitely a big factor with these, but I’m definitely good with passing on them. That being said, I’d still gladly wear an OG Gary Payton ‘96 Sonics jersey with pride. Shoutout to The Glove.

Charlotte Hornets Pinstripes: 1988-2001

Whitney: When the Hornets joined the NBA in 1988, they came out with these, wearing them all the way into 2001. A true jersey that spanned the entire 90s era. For me, this color scheme screams 90s. It also helps this was the Muggsy Bogues, Alonzo Mourning, Larry Johnson era which is historic on its own.

Zito: It’s like they looked at what Orlando did and thought, “yes, the pinstripes are cool, how do we ruin it? Ah yes, make it look like mold.”

Harry: When I think of NBA basketball in the 90s this is one of the first jerseys that comes to mind, along with those Hornet teams. I’ve always been a fan of these, and while the stripes aren’t as clean or traditional, it fit. In fact, I’m kinda feenin’ to get a Larry Johnson throwback now.

Sykes: I’m good on these. They look like something they’d pass out for a rec league scrimmage. I really hate the different colors of the pinstripes, too. It’s really like they combined the Magic jerseys with the Bucks jerseys and decided it was a great idea.

Indiana Pacers 1990-1997

Whitney: The Flo Jos! These jerseys weren’t exactly popular when they came out. Many didn’t understand why the Pacers had Florence Griffith Joyner design them. But today, they’re definitely one of the most popular throwbacks out there. The Pacers should just switch to these full time.

Zito: It might just be a sign of our tendency to look at things from the past through rose-tinted glasses that people want these back. Because people shouldn’t want these back.

Harry: I think these are another great example of jerseys that are fine to break out once or twice a year. Let’s leave it at that.

Sykes: Big facts.

Whitney: Didn’t expect y’all to trash the FloJos like that. Questioning why I even asked you three to join me in this now.

[junker-town]

WWE Royal Rumble 2017: The full rundown and why you should care

The Road to WrestleMania begins in San Antonio at the Royal Rumble.

It’s that time of year, y’all! The Royal Rumble is where even the most casual of wrestling fans start to pay attention, because it’s the start of the Road to WrestleMania. And how can you blame them? The Royal Rumble is great even when it’s subpar, and this year’s promises to be far better than that.

We don’t know who is going to win! And I don’t mean that in the typical “hey, maybe the expected thing won’t happen and we’ll all be surprised” way that has been the case during the last few Rumbles. No, we legitimately don’t know what’s going to happen, and neither do you! But that’s why you’re here, isn’t it? Let’s get right to it.

The Royal Rumble begins at 7 p.m. ET, with the kickoff program starting at 6 p.m. on the WWE Network. Three matches will go down on the pre-show: Nia Jax and Sasha Banks will face off, the RAW Tag Team Championships will be defended by Sheamus and Cesaro against Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows, and there is a six-woman tag match featuring Nikki Bella, Naomi, and Becky Lynch against Natalya, Mickie James, and SmackDown Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss.

That’s three matches you’ll likely want to watch, especially the women’s tag match, which should help set the table for SmackDown’s next exclusive pay-per-view, Elimination Chamber. The Rumble is going on from 7 p.m. to (at least) 11 p.m., though, so if you need to tune in a little later, no one will hold it against you. Well, Nia Jax might, and she is capable of putting the hurt on you, so, you know, skip at your own peril.

And now, why you should care about the 2017 Royal Rumble.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match: Neville vs. Rich Swann (c)

What am I looking at here? Neville is the one with the abs. Like, all of them. Swann loves dancing and having fun and also flips and winning matches. He is good at all of those things, and he has a tragic backstory WWE is sure to fill you in on. Don’t take that as any form of sarcasm — it is tragic, and WWE should tell you about it, because damn, dude, how can you not root for Swann after hearing it?

The Cruiserweight Division (and 205 Live) are taking some time to find their footing in WWE programming, but that isn’t really the case with either Rich Swann or Neville. Swann is the current Cruiserweight champ, and he deserved that designation, as he was clearly the top of the entire division. Notice the past tense there? It’s because Neville is the King of the Cruiserweights, and he’s looking to get his crown this Sunday.

Why you should care: Since declaring himself King, Neville has gotten really, really violent. Like, destroying the entire division by himself to prove he’s the one and only wrestler worthy of being Cruiserweight champion. Like maybe WWE takes a cue from Lucha Underground and has Neville construct a throne out of the bones of his fallen enemies violent. We can dream, right?

Swann would very much like to avoid becoming part of this hypothetical Bone Throne, but something tells me there isn’t someone in the current Cruiserweight crop who can stop Neville.

RAW Women’s Championship Match: Bayley vs. Charlotte Flair (c)

What am I looking at here? Bayley has pigtails and hugs! She’s been a WWE fan forever and looked up to wrestlers as a little girl, and Charlotte thinks that’s f’n stupid and that Bayley is a nerd. Charlotte’s whole thing is about being born into greatness — yes, she’s that kind of Flair, the daughter of Ric. The thing is, Charlotte is great: she’s not just saying it, and given she has never lost on a pay-per-view, it’s hard to argue with her point of view.

The best heels are the ones who are right but are also just kind of mean about it

Why you should care: Bayley is totally a wrestlenerd! But that’s okay: it’s why we love her. And why the crowd is going to be in her corner. This could end up being a preview for what WrestleMania has in store for us on the RAW side of WWE’s women’s division, because it’s hard to believe Bayley is going to win right now. Then we’d be deprived of two more months of Charlotte calling her names and us feeling sorry for our hero who is being made fun of for her love of her heroes.

WWE Universal Championship No Disqualification Match And Also Chris Jericho Is Suspended Above The Ring In A Shark Cage: Roman Reigns vs. Kevin Owens (c)

What am I looking at here? lol

Oh, sorry, it seemed pretty self-explanatory. So, to keep Chris Jericho from interfering in another Roman Reigns vs. Kevin Owens match, he is being put into a shark cage that will be suspended above the ring. The weird (not in a bad way) thing is that the match then became no disqualification as well, so, like, if Jericho escapes from the cage somehow, or drops a wrench or a chain or a bazooka or whatever down below for his bff Kevin Owens to use, then Owens can use it on Reigns and not feel bad about it in the slightest or suffer any kind of punishment from the ref.

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Jericho is absolutely going to drop weapons from the cage. There is no question. Whether he comes down or not is the thing we should be asking, and also how does he get down, and also how does he not wreck himself when falling from the cage?

Why you should care: Okay so also Roman Reigns is friends with former Shield member Seth Rollins again because The Authority turned on their golden boy and made him realize that, hey, teaming with Reigns wasn’t so bad, sure he’s impervious to damage and people boo him sometimes but at least you can trust him. Rollins can interfere in this match on Reigns’ behalf just like Jericho can slash and interfere on Owens’ behalf, but if that happens, we might also get Triple H interfering to help out KO, just like he did to get the Universal Championship on Owens in the first place ... which was also the move that showed The Authority had turned on Seth in favor of someone new.

Got all that? In short, this could be bananas, and you do not want to miss the possibility of bananas.

WWE World Championship Match: John Cena vs. AJ Styles

What am I looking at here? AJ Styles used to have a haircut fellow wrestlers would refer to as being soccer mom-ish, but he’s since grown it out and now it’s pretty luxurious and I’m curious about what kind of product he’s using. John Cena is, of course, John Cena, whom you have seen on The Today Show and in movies and hosting the ESPYs and also those 15 times he won the WWE Championship in the past. That’s not a record, but he’ll tie the record if he beats AJ Styles at the Rumble.

Why you should care: Styles vs. Cena produced two of the best matches of 2016. They are two of the best wrestlers in the world, if not the two best. They’re fighting for the top title in wrestling, and the winner of this match might very well be at WrestleMania defending the title. “Might very well” and not “for sure definitely,” because the winner actually has to defend the championship at Elimination Chamber in a couple of weeks. Still, we can wait on that whole thing, because in the meantime, we have AJ GD Styles facing off against John F’n Cena and if Cena wins, you could easily envision it being the best WWE title win he’s ever had.

And you can trust me on that since I did just rank all 15 of them, some far more painful than others. Hey, John has come a real long way.

The 2017 Royal Rumble Match

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What am I looking at here? 30 entrants. You’re eliminated by being thrown over the top rope and having both of your feet touch the floor, a stipulation you will hear explained many times. Unlike a Battle Royal, where all the wrestlers are in the ring at the start, the Royal Rumble lets entrants in one at a time with short breaks in between, and your entry number plus who is in the ring when you get there can play a huge role in how long you last.

Many of you know that already! Most of you, even. But there could be a newbie in the room, you know.

Why you should care: We have no idea who is going to win, as mentioned back at the beginning of this preview. There’s no major star coming back who is getting a clear push for the Rumble and Mania, a la Batista in 2014. Triple H isn’t in the match, like he was a year ago. John Cena and Roman Reigns, who won the other two of the last four Rumbles, are already in title matches and could be champions before this match even goes down.

What we do have is intrigue! The Undertaker is here — does that mean he’s going to win and challenge for the WWE World Championship one more time? Is Samoa Joe going to debut and tear through both RAW and SmackDown wrestlers to win the right to main event WrestleMania before he even has been signed to a specific show? Will Finn Balor return from injury and win the right to challenge for the Universal Championship he couldn’t even hold onto for 24 hours thanks to his shoulder? Is Bray Wyatt going to come out of nowhere and surprise us all with a Rumble victory? So many options, and we haven’t covered even half of the legitimate possibilities.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the Rumble. The winner might end up being someone exciting and new. It could be someone overdue. Or it could be someone who’s been around forever but is without a Rumble victory to this point. The possibilities are numerous, since WrestleMania 33 is going to be full of so many big-money marquee matches already that WWE can take some risks with their top title scene during the same show. And the Rumble match might be the better for it.