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zerolympiustrife · 5 years

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ZOS’ short stories 40

Title: Battle of the Blondes: Jaunathon Arc vs Yang Xiao Long! (RWBY)

The grand sequel to my 20th short story! I’ve had so many plans to make a new SS involving more puns, but also add in some yo mama jokes and pick-up lines to mix it up! Here we go!

Note: Also, same as the 20th SS, this contains Dragonslayer (Jaune x Yang)

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*In a large stadium, Teams RWB, PR, CFVY, SSSN, CRDL, Oscar, Winter, Penny, Neo (who’s disguised), Ozpin, Glynda, Port, Oobleck, Qrow, Taiyang, Jaune’s parents, and multiple other folks are sitting on the stands, then Nora suddenly appears from the ceiling, lands on the boxing ring-esque platform with a three-point landing, and grabs a microphone*

Nora (yelling): LADIES...AND GENTLEMEN!!! WELCOME...TO THE JOKE-OFF!!!

*The crowd cheers*

Nora (pointing to her left): IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN THIS CORNER...we’ve got a gorgeous, dorky boy hailing from who-knows-where! His papa’s “gun” fires more “shots” than a gatling gun and his mama’s loose on the “lips” but wide on the hips! Please welcome...

*The spotlight hits Jaune, who’s wearing a Luchador wrestler’s outfit that has fake bunny ears, fake bunny tail, and a circular symbol that has a jackhammer inside the symbol, but has bunny ears on top of said symbol, and it’s placed on the chest of his outfit*

Jaune (embarrassed): Oh...why did I agree wear this silly outfit again...?

Pyrrha (cheering): Go, Jaune! You’ve got this!

Nora (grinning): THE HUMAN JACKHAMME- I mean, JACKRABBIT!!!

*The entire audience cheers for Jaune, except for a certain team, who’s booing him*

Cardin: BOOOOOO!!! BO-

*Papa Arc, who’s sitting behind Cardin, places his fist over Cardin’s head, then pounds him into unconsciousness. Team RDL, who sees this, immediately runs like hell, leaving their unconscious leader behind*

Nora (pointing to her right): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND IN THIS CORNER...we’ve got a spunky, fierce woman hailing from the island of Patch! Her papa’s had two wives in his life, and out popped two awesome children! Not much is known about his former significant others, but give it for...

*The spotlight hits Yang, who’s also wearing a Luchador wrestler’s outfit that has fake dragon horns, fake dragon wings, and a fake dragon tail, and the circular symbol she has on her chest is an hourglass, with golden horns, wings, and a tail around the symbol*

Yang (smirking): Heh. This’ll be fun.

Ruby (cheering): Go, Yang! *Whistles*

Nora (grinning): THE SUNNY LITTLE DRAGON!!!

*The entire audience cheers for Yang, although the roaring applause is louder this time*

Jaune (sighing): ...I can tell who’s the one the audience thinks is gonna lose. *Glaring at everyone* But I’ll be sure to prove ‘em wrong.

Nora (whispering to Jaune): Just so you know, I’ve got the upmost faith in you, fearless leader.

*Jaune smiles from hearing this, then stands up*

Tai (whispering to Yang): Go get ‘em, Yang! Remember the training!

*Yang grins from hearing this, then stands up*

Nora (runs back into the center): ROUND ONE!!! ...Is the Pun-off! Remember the “Hammerspace” technique I’ve taught you two about. Good luck! *Runs off the platform*

*Jaune and Yang approach eachother closer, then engage in a DBZ-styled staredown*

Yang (smirking): You wanna make the first move, or should I, vomit boy? Or should I say...vomit bunny?

Jaune (glaring): ...Ladies first, as they say.

Yang (eyes widened): Ooh! A gentlemen on the first date, are we? Very well! Allow me to take the first... *Pulls out a pistol and a glass of alcohol* ...shot. *Fires into a spotlight and it breaks, then takes the shot of alcohol*

*Suddenly, Jaune feels a pain in his chest*

Jaune (shocked, internally): W-Whoa! D-Did I just feel physical pain? Just from Yang making a pun?!

Yang (crossing her arms): I’m waiting for you, vomit bunny.

Jaune (shaking off the pain): ...Good thing Grimm aren’t involved in this fight. Otherwise, we’d be in a Grimm situation.

*Suddenly, Yang feels pain from her right shoulder*

Yang (surprised, internally): W-What the...? Could this be some kind of force where making jokes and puns actually inflicts physical pain on you...?! Interesting! *Speaks up* Wanna know what’d we have to call Weiss if she ever got robbed? Heist Schnee!

Jaune (smirking): What’s the special seasoning that hails from the Schnee Manor? Spice Schnee!

Yang (smirking): Is that where salt comes from?

*Weiss glares at Yang*

Jaune: Yeah, and you gotta pay the price from that Schnee! The Price Schnee!

Yang (holding her body in pain): D-Don’t get frozen by her again! Once frostbitten, Weiss shy, as they say!

Weiss (holding her face): Goddamnit, not this again...

Jaune (also holding his body in pain): H-Hey, Yang! Good thing Oscar’s last name isn’t Palms! Or that Ruby’s last name isn’t Rosie! Otherwise, if they were to suddenly marry, and we went on a double date, we’d have to go on a date with Rosie Palms!

*Oscar holds his face in embarrassment, while Tai squints at him*

Tai (internally): Don’t you dare date my little rose.

Yang (squinting): He better not. Otherwise, if he ever dates my papa’s little rose, he’d be a thorn on my side.

Jaune: That pun made me so corny. *Pulls out a corn on the cob*

Yang: Really? I thought that pun made me so horny. *Points to her fake horns*

Jaune: I wouldn’t advise porning over an evil pervert.

Yang: Hell hath no fury like a woman porned.

Jaune: Ain’t that a damn flame. *Holds out a lighter and turns it on*

Yang: I wouldn’t bother reading a painfully slow, yet bitter argument between jerks on the internet. Otherwise, it’d be a Frame War.

Jaune: I’d be frightened if they were clingy and obsessive yanderes. Or else it’d be a Claim War.

Yang: But an argument between folks who’re boring would definitely be a Lame War.

*Jaune falls to the floor, clutching his body in pain, and blood coming out of the mouth and nose*

Nora (counting down): One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! Ten! The Sunny Little Dragon wins the first round!

*The audience cheers, but Yang holds her body in pain*

Yang: Agh...I can still go on!

Nora: Nonsense. We gotta take a five minute break. We’ll be right back, folks!

*5 minutes later...*

Nora (in the center): ROUND TWO!!! ...Is the same as last time, good luck! *Leaves*

Jaune: Allow me to take the first shot this time! *Pulls out a camera and takes a bright photo shot of Yang, accidentally blinding her*

Yang (rubbing her eyes): Agh! *Eyesight comes back* What a dirty shot!

Jaune: At least it wasn’t a dirty pot. *Pulls out a dirty pot*

Yang: You and your sisters sure are a dirty lot.

Jaune: Hey...what’s do you call a polyamory couple that makes fun of everybody? A Polyamockery!

Yang: How does a homosexual horse faunus whinny? “GAAAAAAAY”!!!

Jaune: How does a religious donkey faunus preach? “Now, let us BRAY!”

Nora (walks back in): Halt! Let me rephrase that: Did I say more puns? What I actually meant to say is...PICK-UP LINES!!!

*The audience starts “ooh!” and “ah!”ing*

Nora (walks off): Good luck!

Yang (grinning): Alrighty then! *Ahem* Are you religious? ‘Cause you’re the answer to all my prayers!

Jaune (smiling): Was your dad a boxer? ‘Cause goddamn! You’re a knockout!

*Tai snickers at that line*

*Yang and Jaune start feeling the pain inflicted upon their bodies*

Yang: You owe me a drink! ‘Cause when I looked at you, I dropped mine!

Jaune: I felt a little off today, but when you appeared, you definitely turned me on.

Yang: Is there an airport nearby? ‘Cause I feel my heart taking off!

Jaune: That’s too bad. I was wondering if you had an extra heart, ‘cause mine was just stolen.

Yang: Can I follow you everywhere you go? ‘Cause my dad always told me to follow my dreams!

Jaune: I’m cute, and you’re pretty! And together, we’d be pretty cute!

*Yang falls to her knees*

Yang: Gah! Rgh... *looks up at Jaune* ...I know this is gonna sound cheesy, but...I think you’re the gratest.

Jaune: I’ve heard of a new disease called beauty, and I believe you’re infected!

Yang (gritting her teeth): If...if you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber.

Jaune: Did you just come out of the oven, ‘cause damn, you’re hot!

*Yang hits the ground, with blood coming out of her ears*

Nora (counting down): One, Two, *deep breath* ThreeFourFiveSixSevenEightNineTen! Human Jackham- err, Rabbit, wins the second round!

Jaune (falls to his knees): Agh...things are getting intense now...

Nora: We’ll be right back in ten minutes this time!

*10 minutes later...*

Nora: Now...for the FINAL ROUND!!! ...No puns, no pick-up lines...this time...it’s YO MAMA JOKES!!!

*The audience leans theirs head in with anticipation*

Yang: Hold on... *looks to Jaune* ...Which mama will you be making fun of?

Jaune: The alive one. The one you hate.

Yang (glaring at him): Good. *Turns to Mama Arc in the audience with a smile* Just so you know that I love you and don’t take my yo mama jokes against you so seriously!

Mama Arc (giggling): I promise!

Nora: GOOD LUCK!!! *Runs off*

Yang: You go first, or shall I?

Jaune: You, but first, I think we should kick it up a notch... *Activates his semblance and starts to glow*

Yang (eyes widened): Ooh! I agree, bunny boy! *Activates her semblance, eyes turn red, and hair glows bright*

*The audience gasps at this sight, with Penny analyzing their power*

Ruby: Penny! What does your sensors say about their power levels?!

Penny (eyes widened): Friend Ruby! It’s...

Ruby: It’s...?

Penny: It’s over...

Ruby: It’s over...?

Penny: It’s over- *Starts to malfunction* Overoveroveroveroveroveroveroverererererererererererererererer- *Steam pops out of her ears*

Tai (surprised): Whoa! Ruby, is your friend okay?

Ruby (shaking Penny): Penny? Penny? Hey! Penny!

Penny (eyes go static): Penny.EXE has stopped working. Please wait until she reboots.

Ruby (sighing): Okay, good. I scared for a moment there...that she was gonna explode or something...

Yang (clearing her throat): Yo mama’s so stupid, she returned a donut because it had a hole in it!

Jaune (clearing his throat): Yo mama’s so poor, she went flying after a garbage truck with a grocery list!

Yang: Yo mama’s so fat, the only good grade she got in school was an “A” in lunch!

Jaune: Yo mama’s so ugly, she makes the blind go crippled!

Yang: Yo mama’s so fat, when she pressed the “UP” button on the elevator, it went down!

Jaune: Yo mama’s ugly, she’s the reason why they have to turn off the lights in a movie theater!

Yang: Yo mama’s so fat, that when she takes a shower, her feet don’t get wet!

Jaune: Yo mama’s so stupid, she stuck a scroll up her butt and said she was making a booty call!

*The audience starts getting pushed back*

Ren: W-Whoa!

Velvet: Are you feeling that?

Sun: Did it just get windy all of a sudden?

Blake: Huh, looks like I wasn’t the only one who noticed that.

Winter (to Qrow): Wow. Stiff competition.

Qrow (to Winter): Competition’s not the only thing that can get stiff. *Chuckles*

*Winter’s face turns red, then glares at Qrow*

Penny (shaking her head): Ah! Apologies! I needed to reboot, friend Ruby. Because friend Jaune and friend Yang’s power levels are “off the roof” as humans say!

Ruby (in awe): Wow!

*Back to the fight*

Yang: Yo mama so stupid, she sold her car for gas money!

Jaune: Yo mama so fat, she fell in love and broke it!

Yang: Yo mama so loose, she gives birth faster than a rabbit faunus!

Jaune: Yo mama so dumb, since she can transform into a bird, she thought having sex on a broken tree branch with yo daddy was a good idea!

Yang: Yo mama’s like a nursery, if possible, she can hold a human-shaped yoga ball-sized stomach of babies!

Jaune: Yo mama’s so creative, when she turns into a bird, she can go to the bathroom anywhere she wants!

Yang: Yo mama so creative, she put on hen costume, built a nest, shoved hard-boiled eggs up her upstairs, and began laying them!

Jaune: Yo mama so fat, even if I amp you up, you can’t pick her up!

Yang: Yo mama’s so awesome...!

*Jaune, Mama Arc, and the entire audience’s eyes widened upon hearing this*

Yang (smiling): ...She gave birth to an awesome son.

*Jaune doesn’t say anything, but starts blushing like mad*

Mama Arc (blushing): Oh~!

*Papa Arc chuckles and sheds a tear*

*Ren and Pyrrha smile hearing this*

Yang (smiling): Hehehe...you can’t say anything against that, can you?

Jaune (shaking his head): Actually, I can!

Yang (confused): Oh?

Jaune (taking a deep breath): Your mother...is so stupid, so dumb...

*Yang falls back, looking up at Jaune*

Jaune: So ignorant, so dense, dull, moronic, idiotic, foolish, imbecilic, halfwitted, mindless, unintelligent, reckless, thoughtless, dimwitted, naive, and dead in the fucking brain...! *Holds out his hand towards her*

Yang: ...Huh?

Jaune (smiles): ...She abandoned such an awesome family...an awesome daughter...an awesome father...for the sake of a stupid tribe that everyone hates.

*Yang’s eyes widened*

Ruby (sobbing): Ooohhhh! *Cries into Penny’s chest*

Penny (shocked): Friend Ruby! Is something alright?

*Tai chuckles from hearing this, but also sheds a tear*

*Weiss and Blake smile hearing this*

Yang (grabbing his hand): Oh...Jaune...! *Gets pulled off of the ground and places her face into Jaune’s chest, wrapping her arms around him* ...Don’t ever leave me...I don’t...I don’t want to be abandoned again... *starts crying*

Jaune (hugging her): No one knows what the future holds, Yang.

*Yang looks up at him, her eyes are still red*

Jaune (smiling): But don’t get the wrong idea. I promise I won’t leave you.

*Yang smiles, her eyes turn lilac, then kisses him firmly on the lips*

*The audience starts “aww”ing at the couple*

Nora (sniffling): L-L-Ladies...and G-Gentlemen...I-I don’t what to say about this... *sniff* ...It’s a draw! Both of these two are winners! Both the Rabbit and Dragon win!

*The audience stays silent for a second, then starts clapping*

Jaune (stops kissing): Shall we, my Dragon Queen?

Yang (giggling): Hmhmhm~! Take me, my Bunny Knight!

*Jaune picks up Yang bridal carry-style, then runs out of the stadium*

*Meanwhile, at the Branwen tribe...*

*Raven is just minding her own business, then suddenly, she feels a nerve in her head*

Raven (clutches her head angrily): ...Motherfucker.

Vernal: Is something wrong, Raven?

Raven: I don’t know why, but...I just had the painful feeling that someone, somewhere, some smart mouthed little shit unleashed a series of insults upon me.

Vernal: Oh...we should hunt this person down?

Raven (shaking her head): Nah, forget it. I couldn’t care less what everybody says or thinks about me.

Vernal: Okay...

Raven (internally): But I do want to find out who this person is...

*Meanwhile at Beacon...*

*Jaune, who’s carrying Yang, barges into Team JNPR’s room*

Jaune (putting Yang down): That was quite a workout.

Yang (laying down on his bed): Thanks for the ride, ladykiller.

Jaune (attempts to take off his costume): Rgh...Might as well...take off...these stupid outfi-

*RIIIIIIIP!*

*Jaune’s eyes widened, then looks at Yang, who ripped and made a hole in a certain area on her costume, then looks at Jaune with bedroom eyes*

Yang: Who said we were taking these off? C’mere, bunny boy.

*Jaune walks over to Yang*

*RIIIIIIIP!*

*Yang rips a hole in a certain area in Jaune’s costume, then his...”sword” bounces out into the open*

Jaune (blushing): Ahh...

Yang (spreading her legs): Ladykiller...hmhmhm~...make like a rabbit...and do me like one.

*Jaune’s face turns more red, but then he smiles, and obliges*

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