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modiintrainguy · 4 years

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Is it ADHD. What is it ADHD? What is this. What?

August 3 2020

It’s been a while as the cliché says.

I guess I’ve avoided and my heads been a whoosh and ive not been able to focus or /and I’ve felt like ive not had the time even though I obviously don’t spend all my time doing what I should be doing and not relaxing or taking time out.

Also. I’ve almost not taken the train at all since January. The train was my writing space. It used to be the place. But now im on the bus. And then of course there was lockdown for 2 months when I didn’t even go to work. And now I only go twice a week.

Let’s do some subheaders. Its 8.35 am im on the bus. Ive got about 25 minutes.

1. ADHD Coaching

So yeah ive been meaning to write a short summary each week. Then I don’t.

So lets see what I can remember from my zoom with the coach on Wednesday. It was tishabav and I thought I was fasting. I mean I was fasting and then I ate before I went to bed for obvious reasons. And then I didn’t on Thursday morning.

But what did we talk about and what conclusions did we come to?

God I need to get the notes from him. He writes down everything I say. I need to review it regularly.

So.

Er, ah yeah. I went through a list of things I sent on wasup.

a. My confusion about decision making that Friday morning when the day before I had arranged that A should bring R round to play with the girls but then thelittlun woke up at 7.30 and said she wanted to go to the beach and I was like great I’ll tell A. I knew she might not want to or be able to go cos she would need to be home by 12pm but I texted her anyway and I felt elated about going to the beach. But then she called and said she cant go to the beach and R will be very disappointed. And I got so confused and in the end I went.

And we talked about how I just looked at the negative from the decision. That I saw it was bad to go but bad to stay and go to ben shemen. But I need to be rational and realise no choice will be perfect. There will be bad and good in every choice. So u just need to decide. One or the other and accept that there are negative things in both but it doesn’t mean the other choice was right.

I had a similar feeling on Thursday when I picked up the girls from C and I had agreed to go to the center of town with A and her girls but I was “Fasting” and impulsively didn’t want o go. and then R said she wants to come to our house and the littlun wanted her to come and then I invited R and S and M and A and then I was stuck. And A came late to pick R up from C, like 10 minutes, and it was a stress. I was like come over and then inevitably I spent the journey home thinking I made a mistake and I shouldn’t have forced R to come over and I needed the space and fresh air after being at home all day. And then and then and then it was fine and R appreciated it.

Can I do it? Can I calm and see the trees from the wood?

Other things discussed:

b. The argument/discussion with thewife about what to do on the Thursday of tishabav – should the girls go to C? or come to the hospital with us. In the end we got to the right decision.

2. Work

Really really whats the stress all about. I was watching the beginning of a movie just last night with a scene showing a guy coming to work in the morning. He seemed fresh and when I was driving home I was thinking I wake up stressed.

Like there is no - this is today, im gonna try and achieve a, b and c. and then im finished. Its always like a rush to do as much on the long list as I can and then the feeling like I didn’t complete what I should and then im worried that Im late and I cant relax in the evening and then in the morning I need to get in as early as possible cos im behind.

I need realistic understanding of what I should do and when I should do it.

After my weekly with Eyal I didn’t get close to that cos I just list X, Y, X, A, B C and im left with an unrealistic list and then its like I need to try and do as much as I can but then it means I wont finish it so there will also be things I need to and should do that are still on the list and I never feel like I can relax cos im always behind.

So whats the answer. Realistic daily planning in the morning.

Can I do it? The reason I don’t is cos the planning seems to end up taking up too much time. Can I do it quickly? Can I write this blog quickly

Not really. But its essential.

3. Life

That’s the connection with the life. Like why don’t I get on top of the money? Cos it feels like it will take too long to organise?

That’s more of a part than I realise. A bigger part.

If I could relax and know I have time to do the washing up then it would be mindful like mrs says it is.

4. Work-life-balancelife

Whereive I am Im always in a rush, worried all the time when ive realised ive been doing the wrong thing the whole time so ive been wasting time and now I wont be able to get things done.

I know I cant do everything. Need to plan things.

Problem is I review the plans and realsie I didn’t get it right. And the planning takes so long and then im in a mess anyway.

Thing is I went swimming on shabat and I took 24 minutes or so to do lengths and it took me back to the SBTc times when I spent an hour swimming trying to work out how to do what needed to be done. Ive been in the same trying to work it out situation ever since apart from that break between Cr and this job.

But then did it matter? I left and I realised I was focused on some wrong things.

I need to focs on the things that need to be done.

If there are too manythen I cant do them all.

Focs sake.

5. ADHD drugs?

Get an assessment? ADHD centre in tel aviv? NShg? Fuck knows.

I guess Tuesday I make an appointment with someone.

Cos I need an assessment.

Although there is the question – if there is no physical biological evidence that shows ADHD isn’t all just a guess. So the test is do you act like X or Y. but theres no way of proving the reason you act like that is cos the way your brain is wired. Its just an assumption and a guess.

Is it true? Can it help. Will an assessment give me peace of mind. At least I can tell people I “have ADHD” – but what does it mean? What Coach says it doesn’t matter about an assessment – the fact is my brain works in a certain way. Why is interesting and can help change it or help me learn how to deal with it but really its about accepting this is how my brain works and developing ways to deal with the situations like

- Stopping me being impulsive and just doing or saying things without thinking them through (that’s hard eh)

- Trying to look at things from different perspective

Just remembered the littleuns insight when I thought this guy had bumped into me on purpose outside littlerones gan and littlun was like maybe he didn’t see you.

And today when she said I shouldn’t throw things cos someone could slip on her magnet and I could have broken something when I threw the sandals. She was right so does that mean I sohuldnt have done it. Yes. Obviously. But its so recent I can feel how I felt and it feels like the only thing to do.

So maybe nows the time to analyse that situation – when I feel the tension and urge to throw. Could I have sotpped myself. Only reason I think no is cos I didn’t have time. And I felt it was the only way to show I cant deal with the sandals. I wanted to shock littlerun into stoppeding crying. And she did but then I felt worse and had to spend a minute apologising to littlun.

So whats the answer – theres almost always a spare minute or two to calm down. Almost always.

This doesn’t mean I have 5 or 10 mins or half an hour and hour. Although maybe I do.

But don’t spend hours on the wrong thing – focus on the right thing, get it done and then bish bash bosh. Move on. Be realistic about what needs to be done, do it as quickly as possible and then I can go home and go running tonight.

Yknow dat.

Gotta try and run with headie one even if he may be an anti-Semite.

Gonna get there at 9.10. leaving at 6.20.

Zehu.

UPDATE - 6.13pm

After an entire day, and maybe a week, of avoiding the relatively simple task of writing down exactly what is going to be on each of the sites in August I took the plunge about half an hour ago and started doing fbcom and lo and behold it wasn’t just easy it felt great getting clarity.

just goes to show eh. what i know is true really is true. it’s not a big deal. calm down, get the easy stuff out the way and then concentrate on the slightly more complicated but also easy and more enjoyable part which is the planning and editing and doing what the hell i want with these sites!!

is that the truth? maybe. gotta get the bus though.

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anerbananers · 7 years

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Get To Know Me!

97I was tagged by my homegirl @midnightstarlightwrites and I love these so here we go!

Rules: Answer the questions and tag some blogs you’d like to get to know better

Nicknames: Ana, Stasia (only my dad can call me that)

Star sign: Aries to a fuckin’ T

Time right now: 2:05 PM

Last thing I googled: Apartments for rent in Clearwater closer to my new job, moving out after the wedding!

Favorite music artist(s): LOL girl bye I can’t even start to answer this

Song stuck in my head: Woo by Rihanna, Drew Barrymore by SZA, and Adore by Vanjess

Last movie I watched: Hidden Figures (TWICE lol so good)

Last tv show I watched: I’ve been watching mostly Let’s Plays with Ry actually. Markiplier playing Resident Evil 7 has me screaming

What I’m wearing right now: Black high waist slacks and a b/w checkered pull over

When I created this blog: Oh boy uh freshman year of college so...2011? But I wasn’t really into it and took a hiatus for a few years then came back and it is COMPLETELY different now. As it is currently, it’s been since 2014 probably.

Kind of stuff I post: Anime, games, art of all kinds! Things I find funny and beautiful. Mostly Miraculous Ladybug.

Do I have any other blogs: Yes! @ana-draws is my art blog with all my work and @the-artchives is my art inspiration blog with other people’s work that I enjoy.

Do I get asks regularly: Almost never lol which is fine. I prefer talking to people via messages anyway. The less anon hate the better lol I’m not about that life

Why did I choose my url: honestly? first thing I thought of. Haven’t changed it once XD

Hogwart’s house: Gryffinclaw? LOL I never get a consistent answer. I feel like it switches depending on my mood. I’d probably be a lot like Minerva and the sorting hat would take like 3 hours to decide between the two and eventually put me in Gryffindor.

Pokémon team: I never got into it or chose a team but like on meme principals alone, fuckin’ Instinct for sure. Spark, my boy, my precious lightning child <3 The fandom did you justice.

Favorite color: Purple! I am especially fond of the periwinkle hues found in hydrangeas, wisteria, peonies, and lavender.

Favorite character(s): LOL don’t even start this shit with me. Um I love Rhysand, Junkrat, Mercy, Ana, Adrien, Marinette, Alya, Bakugou, All Might, Luffy, Zoro, Tyki Mikk, Allen Walker, Kanda Yuu, Sesshomaru, Vanessa Ives, Spencer Reid, uh...idk ya’ll it’s a lot i’mma stop

Number of blankets I sleep with: 1.5 ? Depends on the weather. But I love blankets. I’ll usually have one big comforter and then a smaller blanket around my feet because they’re always cold even when I’m warm up top and push the covers off :p

Dream job: Freelance concept artist! I want to work on various films and tv shows and games in my jammies at my house! ;)

Following: 974! a bit lower than my follower count. They’re never too far apart I find :)

I tag @gigiree @saisai-chan and @lucyrne !

#personal #long post #tagged

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twoguystrybbq-blog · 6 years

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Woodyard Bar-B-Q

Leo:

Ben got back from his Texas vacation (of course sending me mouth-watering pictures of Texas barbeque) and got a puppy! Well, a year-old puppy. Her name is Gracie and she is gorgeous. A Greyhound mix, she is a chocolate brown with darker brown/black vertical stripes (I guess she wants to look taller?).

Gracie being a new dog and me being a large bearded man, she didn’t take to me instantly. When I came to the door, there were a few barks. When I came in Ben’s apartment, she barked a couple more times and growled a bit. While I was overcome with her cuteness, she was obviously a bit nervous. I put out my hand for her to smell, which usually does the trick when I meet new dogs. She smelled it nervously and then backed away. I went to sit down and she kind of circled the apartment, coming near me and then darting away. Ben gave me a couple treats and giving Gracie those helped her warm up to me. By the time we were ready to go, Gracie let me pet her a bit.

Ben suggested that we go to Woodyard BBQ because they had a patio and we could bring Gracie. “Did the website say you could bring dogs?” I asked a bit skeptically. “No, but it’ll be fine,” said Ben. “Okay,” I replied, but I still had my doubts about showing up to a restaurant with a dog.

So, Gracie, Ben, and I piled into Ben’s car and drove over to Kansas for some barbeque. It was a little hot out, so we cruised over to Woodyard with the windows up and the A/C on. You could tell that Gracie would’ve preferred the windows down, but she was a great car dog and lay down most of the trip.

Woodyard isn’t off the beaten path (it is only a minute or two from the highway), but it’s location in a sparsely populated, foresty area makes it seem secluded. As we drove up, it reminded me of roadside BBQ joints in Arkansas that my mom had taken me to as a kid when we drove down to Hot Springs, Arkansas to fill up on Mountain Valley Spring water (which is a whole other story). So, I immediately had a very pleasant impression.

As we walked over to the patio, my nervousness came back about bringing a dog to a restaurant. As luck would have it, a waitress was clearing some tables on the patio and she greeted Gracie with a smile. “Oh, a lot of people have been bringing their dogs today,” she said. And, with that, my nervousness was gone. “Okay,” I said, “I’ll go in and order while you stay with Gracie and then you go in and order. Sound good?” “Sure thing,” said Ben.

So, I went in and the waitress from earlier took my order. As I was ordering, what appeared to be her family came in and gave her hugs and said goodbye. This scene added a sweet air of family to the restaurant, which reinforced the hospitality I’d felt since we were told that Gracie was a welcomed guest. For lunch/dinner (it was about 3pm), I went with brisket, ribs, and a side of potato salad. Oh, and a Pabst tall boy because it was a Saturday. I went out and sat with Gracie while Ben ordered. Gracie didn’t whine or anything when Ben left and she let me pet her (later, I’d give her a rib bone and that would seal our friendship). While Ben was ordering, I looked around the patio. It was an all-brick, open-air patio, which was nice because the pleasant smell of burning wood permeated the air. The bricks had begun to shift, so the floor was a little uneven, but this just added to the character of the patio. There was also a small stove towards the back, which made me wonder about the origins of this patio. Had it once been a small house or kitchen back in the day and the roof bits had long since vanished, but the sturdy brick remained? And the indoor dining area and the place I ordered looked newer. Maybe we were sitting in the original barbeque restaurant and the rest had been added on over the years?

As I sat musing and enjoying the day, Ben came back. Moments later, our orders came out. I was very pleased with the portions of brisket and ribs and the potato salad had big ol’ chunks of potato in it, letting me know that it had been handmade from scratch. The food tasted good, too! But the real winner of the day and why I would go back was the sauce. It was a great blend of flavors and was a bit thicker (the way I prefer it). Needless to say, after I’d tried the meat without the sauce and with the sauce, I covered the remainder in sauce.

We finished up and headed back to the car. On our way back, we talked about the things we liked and the kind, hospitable atmosphere was the thing we appreciated the most (with the sauce and the food, of course). When we got back to Ben’s, he wanted to show me a movie called “The Room,” which you just have to see to know how it is. While we watched the movie and had a couple of nice beers, Gracie laid between us, put her head on my lap and let me pet her. I guess that rib bone really did the trick!

What a pleasant afternoon! I hope that you are hungry and I hope that you go to Woodyard BBQ. When you do, I hope you have just as great an afternoon as Ben and I did when we visited them. You may have to get a puppy, too, of course, but everybody needs a puppy or two in their lives. Happy barbequing!

Ben:

The few days leading up to our visit to Woodyard BBQ was a bit of a whirlwind for me. Wednesday was the Fourth of July -- a holiday I properly celebrated in Texas with old friends. All-American beer was had; Bruce Springsteen was jammed to; Rocky IV was watched. On Thursday, I flew home to Kansas City and pretended to work in the evening. On Friday, I woke up early, actually did work, drove to an animal shelter, and adopted a new roommate.

Meet Gracie. She enjoys sleeping on the couch, chasing squirrels, and hiding from loud trucks. Despite chewing on my “Dog Training for Dummies” book, Gracie is all around perfect.

However, as happy as I was to add Gracie to the Case de Ben, I realized her presence would throw a bit of a kink into our weekly scheduled barbecue plans. I had, after all, just bet her about 24 hours before we planned to get barbecue on Saturday, and I hadn’t yet left her alone for a minute, much less the solid 90 minutes we typically devote to our Saturday meat sweats. I told Leo I had adopted Gracie, sent him the obligatory cute dog picture, and invited him over to meet her before we headed out for barbecue.

As I waited for Leo, I did some recon on the Google machine -- I need a dog-friendly barbecue joint with a patio. After perusing photos for a few minutes, I settled on Woodyard BBQ. Woodyard appeared to have a massive outdoor seating area and plenty of stars after hundreds of reviews. Well that settles that.

Leo arrived; Gracie barked (large bearded men scare me, too), but quickly warmed up to him. Awesome, now that you’re all friends, let’s feast. Per custom, I had foregone a proper breakfast to ensure I was sufficiently hungry (hangry, really) by the time barbecue was in front of me. What’s more, I had already had some unexpected exercise that morning -- apparently dogs need walks.

The three of us piled into my car and we were off. Located in KCK, Woodyard is absolutely massive, but has the feel of a simple roadside barbecue joint. And, if I had to guess, I’d think that’s exactly how Woodyard started, because the actual restaurant structure is pretty small and traditional: just a few tables and a counter. But the patio(s) are huge, and I get the sense that Woodyard can and does get packed at peak times. In the days after we visited Woodyard, I’ve come to learn that it regularly hosts live, outdoor music. Barbecue, a few beers and a concert sounds about right for an ideal Saturday night. But, alas, we were here on a Saturday at 2 in the afternoon, so we had the run of the place.

I left Gracie on the patio with Leo as I ordered inside. Woodyard has your typical barbecue offerings, plus burnt end chili (something I’ll most certainly try when I return). I went with a two meat plate: burnt ends and pulled pork, with a side of beans.

My food would be brought out to our table, and I was given a table stand with a photo of a young Paul Newman. The guy at the counter told me: “He looks like the type of guy that would hook up with your girlfriend and just say, ‘Sorry, brah!’” Honestly, that looks exactly correct.

Back to Leo and Gracie on Woodyard’s front patio, and our food arrived within minutes. Before my first bite, Woodyard was at an immediate plus -- the portions were legitimate. Consistent with its roadside barbecue feel, our food came on metal trays lined with paper, sides heaped into paper containers. Leo had ordered brisket, ribs, and potato salad, which I’ll let him talk about, but visually, his ribs looked fantastic.

My burnt ends were sauced and falling apart on my plate -- a good thing. I think a solid burnt end is like a solid rib; it should essentially “fall off the bone,” but with no bone, burnt ends should just melt into the plate. If I have one complaint, it’s that I wish there were more charred bits in Woodyard’s burnt ends, but at the same time, the taste made me want to sample the burnt end chili. Next time, I suppose.

The star of my plate was the pulled pork -- something I’m relatively picky about. Woodyard gave me a heap of meat that wasn’t too dry, yet wasn’t too fat, and didn’t over-rely on seasoning or skin. This was a true meat pile, a mess of smoked pig, and you can’t go wrong with that. The pork pairs well with Woodyard’s original sauce, but unlike other places, the sauce doesn’t steal the show; it’s only a compliment to the meat.

The beans were of the thick and sweet variety, which is what I’d consider traditional Kansas City style. Zero complaints there.

Woodyard left me pleasantly full, and Gracie, having eaten an entire bone from Leo, seemed equally sated. On our way out, we took note of Woodyard’s banner of TV appearances. This place has certainly done the circuit, so to speak. Woodyard has been visited by Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, Anthony Bourdain, and Andrew Zimmern. That amount of press is nothing to scoff at.

Woodyard is a place you should go for that traditional roadside barbecue feel. Big portions served on paper and outdoor seating, what more could you ask for? And if you’re feeling in the mood, maybe stick around for a couple (or a dozen) beers, live music, and a second round of meat and/or beer sweats.

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