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bedlamhammer · 4 years

Text

Fun and Games

All areas of the Last City were not equal in her eyes. While she disliked being in the designated Vanguard section of the wall near where the remains of the old Tower stood, she greatly enjoyed being in the city itself. It gave her time to check in with people she knew, many of whom she had escorted to the City personally. She kept her helmet on, mostly to avoid the exhaustion of having to explain to everyone why a Lightbearer had scars on her face, but it currently wasn't sealed against the atmosphere and allowed her to detect the odors of the street level bazaar around her. Most of the food smells were pleasant, though occasionally she would catch a whiff of excessively strong curry from one of the stalls at the far end of the area or the stench of some unwashed individual.

It was as she passed by a small bookstore that she spotted them. A group of teens huddled around a table that was far too small for their number, talking animatedly and gesturing and laughing. She couldn't hear them through the window, but curiosity got the better of her anyway and she slipped inside. Murdoch didn't exactly take up a lot of space, even with her Titan-esque armor, so it was easy to maneuver the disorganized bookshelves to get closer.

“Alright. The gremlins are advancing on your caravan, so everyone roll initiative!” The voice was familiar, feminine, but she didn't have the speaker in sight just yet. The sound of dice rolling across the table mixed with several thoughtful murmurs, shuffling paper and a couple groans of disappointment before the voice continued. “I saw that, Mick. What was that?”

“A one. I rolled a one.” The voice belonging to Mick replied with a snort. The mechanical echo told Murdoch Mick was an exo.

“That's a shame. You have no clue what everyone else is panicking about, you're still half buried in the back of the wagon thanks to Boga the goblin.” Laughter followed. “Everyone else, get ready to fend off a gremlin ambush.”

Murdoch and her ghost exchanged a look before they stepped around the corner made by two bookshelves coming together. The group was a mix of human and awoken, with a trio of exos. Most of them were focused on the table, which held some sort of board that looked like it was supposed to be a model of a valley, complete with a river and a couple trees. Small figurines were arranged across the board to represent the gremlin ambush and the caravan. The girl at the head of the tiny table looked up as Murdoch was examining them, and her face lit up. “Murdoch!”

No wonder the first voice had been familiar. Murdoch hadn't seen Hannah since the onset of the Red War. She had escorted the girl's father, then a young boy, and grandparents to the Last City many years ago. Hannah's father was killed in the Red War defending Murdoch from a pair of warbeasts when she had lost her Light. The memory made the Lightbearer's chest tighten briefly before she spoke. “Look at you, kid. You've grown up a bit since the Legion got kicked out,” Murdoch said, grinning under her helmet. “What's this here?”

“It's a game!” Hannah beamed. Several of her group eyed Murdoch warily, but the girl didn't seem to notice. “We're pretending to be adventurers on a quest to deliver an artifact to a king. Do you want to play?”

Murdoch cocked her head to the side as Sybil floated by her shoulder. She could see the reluctance on the faces of several people. “I'm afraid I'm terrible at pretending. If it's alright, I'll just watch.”

“That's weird, dad used to tell all kinds of stories of you entertaining people back at Ridgevale. He said you were pretty good at improv.”

“I think he embellished a little, if you ask me.” That was a lie. Murdoch had, on occasion, helped to lighten the spirits of the people she and several other Lightbearers protected by performing small acts. Those had been good times. “I'll watch. I don't know how this sort of game works, anyway.”

It didn't take long. Each player had a little figure that represented their character, and they either acted out or narrated their actions in the scenario. Dice rolls determined how well or how badly they did actions. Hannah was the storyteller, in a way, and was responsible for the actions and rolls of everything the group encountered. By sundown, the players had successfully reached the castle the king lived in with the artifact still in their position. Miraculously, no one's character died.

“Are you here in the City for long?” Hannah asked as she and Murdoch made their way down the street towards her family's apartment building.

“We're here for a while. After spending a few months working between Mars and the Reef, we could use the vacation.” Sybil answered for them. She hadn't spoke while Hannah's group of friends were still present, but now that it was just the three of them, she was more talkative. “I have to ask. Why do you all crowd around such a tiny table? They don't have anything bigger?”

“Not since the Red War. The bookstore owner gave their old table up to help the resistance here, and they've been using these tiny little tables ever since. They can't afford a replacement just yet.”

“That's unfortunate.” Murdoch stopped in front of the structure Hannah had lead them to. It bore battle damage from the Legion's occupation, but repairs had been started on the southern wall. This building was luckier than most. “Your game seems like fun, at least. If a bit crowded.”

“It is, but it's still fun. I'm sorry about how they acted towards you. We don't get to see too many Lightbearers down here, not even the Guardian sort.” Hannah shrugged as she ascended the building's short staircase towards the door. “But I'm sure they'd warm up to you, if you want to come back next week.”

Murdoch considered that for a moment. “When?”

“Every Friday. We start around midday, and go till the sun's down behind the mountain.”

“I'll think about it. Tell your family I'll come visit later, and Joran and Zaeya send their regards.”

⸶⸸⸷

She had the table delivered halfway through the week, before Hannah and her friends held their next game. It wasn't fancy, but it was solid and bigger than the little card table they had been using. The shop owner tried repeatedly to repay her, saying that the table would be used by more than just kids playing games, and Murdoch declined it each time. The store had given up one table, she had explained, and it was only right that it get a new one.

When she returned that Friday, everyone else had already arrived and was setting up. Hannah patted a chair next to hers, ignoring the wary looks given to her. “We've got a guest today! I've known her my whole life, like most of the rest of my family. She and my dad were real good friends.” After an awkward silence, one awoken teen finally came forward and welcomed Murdoch, and the introductions quickly commenced before Murdoch sat down to set up her character for the session.

“So, hold on. You want to be a merchant?” Mick asked incredulously. “Just a merchant? Not a mage, or a barbarian, or even a cleric?”

“Nope. Just a merchant.”

“That's not near as exciting as a warrior or paladin.”

Murdoch peered at Mick as she fidgeted with the little horned figurine in her hand. It was supposed to be her in this game, and Hannah had pointed out the horns on her helmet almost matched the ones on the model. “It might not be exciting to you, but I've spent the last couple hundred years or so being a warrior and fighting monsters. Being a trader sounds pretty good to me.” She watched the thoughtful expressions that crossed several faces, and so it was agreed she would be the proud minotaur owner of a shop.

Over the several hours that the game's session lasted, the questers encountered cut-purses and a mind controlled mob before reaching Murdoch's pretend shop. Her part in the game was small, but by the time she had nearly cleaned each of the other characters out of most of their money (and, sadly, had to sell a very nice magical weapon for almost nothing because of a bad dice roll) before seeing them off to the castle itself, Murdoch found herself smiling. At the end of the session, the artifact was delivered to the king and everyone was able to continue on for their next adventure.

“So how'd you like your first ever roleplay game?” Hannah was asking as she and a few others helped to clean the store up before it closed. “Did you enjoy it?”

“I kind of did, actually. It seems like a fun way to pass an afternoon.”

“Then you're going to love this.” Mick held out something out to her, wrapped in paper. It was a book, and a fairly thick one at that. “It's the latest edition book for the game. Goes over classes and races, skills, the whole bit.”

Murdoch hesitated, book in hand. “You're giving me this? You're sure?”

“Sure am. Just promise me you're going to be something more interesting than a trader.”

“Hahah! Alright, that's fair. You've got a deal.”

#destiny #destiny 2 #destiny 2 the last city #destiny 2 earth #destiny headcanon #destiny fanfiction #destiny risen #destiny titan #ttrpg

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anastasiaskarsgard · 5 years

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Meeting Nadia

Chapter 1

“I have never been this nervous in my life.” I told roman as we pulled into his driveway. “What if she doesn’t like me?”

Roman chuckled. “I love you, so she’ll love you but there’s a few things I must warn you about.” He parked and turned to me grabbing both my hands and looking into my eyes. “She absolutely can read your mind.”

I was not so much shocked, as I was intimidated. I mean could she dig thru your memories or only see what you thought at the present? Could she recognize what thoughts were reality and which were imaginary? Could she see your dreams while you slept? Was there a range for her being able to access your mind? Did she have to see you, or touch you? So many questions.

“Hey killer. What are you thinking? Talk to me.” Roman searches my eyes looking a little less confident than usual.

“Just like does she need to touch you or look at you? Can she tell what thoughts are real or memories of shows or dreams? Can she dig thru your mind? Can you see her thoughts? I mean .... wow.” I looked at the house wondering if she were listening to us right now.

“How scary for a little girl, to see in the mind of adults.” I looked back to Roman.

All of a sudden I wanted to meet this little girl more than anything. I had to protect her from the world and show her beautiful things and thoughts. No doom and gloom like she’s been exposed to. I wanted to meet this little miracle of a girl and show her how happy life could be.

“I already love her and want to protect her and show her all the beauty in the world and I haven’t even met her.” I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

Roman beamed at me, pulling me in for a passionate kiss. He pulled away slightly and then nuzzled his cheek against mine before whispering, “how is it possible to love someone so much? How did I ever survive without you?”

“I think I’d die if I lost you.” I said without thinking and felt my stomach somersault when I realized what I’d just said. I smiled and pulled back to look at his perfect face. “Are you perfect, or do I just think so because I love you so?”

“I’m pretty perfect honestly. I mean look at this bone structure,” he said laughing. “You ready to meet her? She already knows you’re here. She’s waiting for us.”

I squealed and jumped out of the car, leaving everything inside and running over to the front door. Roman made his way over, much more casually as I hopped up and down nearly bursting with enthusiasm.

“Ok breathe.” He said as he opened the door.

The house was very modern and the decor kind of dark and dreary. It had a dark foreboding feeling and wasn’t at all welcoming or warm. It kind of felt like another museum house, but that was fixable. Most guys decorate this way. Roman just was fabulously wealthy so it looked more intentional and artsy.

There was a man cooking something in the kitchen that smelled amazing. I guessed this must be the chef and discretely scanned the area for a child, but could see none. I also noted there weren’t any toys or signs of a child in the home. No toys or high chair, or tiny shoes or clothing to be seen. No pictures of any actual people. Just art. That was the first thing I was going to do. Get a cute picture of Roman and Nadia and display it in a nice frame. I wonder if she looks like him. Does she have his full pillow lips and soulful eyes, or does she favor her mother. I’d only seen a single picture of Letha when I’d searched for info on Roman.

Letha was beautiful. She had long golden hair, big blue eyes, and soft feminine features. She had a kind smile in the photograph that you could see shined out through her eyes as well. She was beautiful light that was welcoming and warm. She made you feel like she would be your best friend and cry at the movies. Romans beauty was more severe. He had sharp features and although he was gorgeous, it wasn’t welcoming and warm like Letha’s beauty. It was more intimidating, and you could even go so far as to say, he was the beautiful darkness. The crisp pure silence that meets you late at night when you’re alone and everything looks differently yet the same, and you feel like something might be watching you from the shadows.

“Where’s Nadia Marcus?” Roman asked the man cooking.

My mouth was watering from its wonderful aroma. I’d never had a chef before, and suddenly felt the need to get one myself. I had money, but I never hired help around the house, feeling like it was lazy but maybe having people do things for you, wasn’t that terrible. He was cooking some type of stir fry with noodles and veggies as well as some type of meat. Chicken maybe? I didn’t know how to ask for food, and felt weird assuming I can just have some, so I tried to push my hunger back in my mind.

“She’s with Elise in the library learning a new language.” He said in a deep warm voice.

“Another one?” Roman chuckled. “English, French, Spanish, Russian, Swedish, and Latin wasn’t enough?”

“Wow, she knows words in all those languages?” I asked.

“No she knows them all fluently.”

“I wonder if she’s like me then,” i wondered out loud, more to myself than anyone in particular.

“How so? Oh I’m rude. Marcus this is the love of my life and new mother for Nadia, Letha this is Marcus, our chef. I want you to feel at home here. Everything I have is yours as well.” Roman said earnestly.

“Just How once I see something or read it, I remember it forever. I speak all those languages as well as Portuguese, mandarin, Japanese, Korean, Lithuanian, German, Norwegian, Italian and Greek.”

Marcus’s eyes shot up to look at me and you could see the total shock as he just stared at me for a moment before getting his composure and smiling uncomfortably “wonderful to meet you.”

“Daddy!!!” A shrill little voice rang out, as a little girl came running full speed across the living room and without hesitation launched herself through the air and into Romans arms giggling like a maniac. Roman lit up as soon as he heard her voice and was giggling as wildly as she. I’d never seen a more beautiful moment in my life and almost felt as though I was an intruder and should go but i also wanted to run over to them too and hug and kiss them both and we could all giggle like maniacs and fall to the floor together in a big happy heap.

“Well then come give us a hug Mommy!” Nadia said turning to me with her arm open to bring me in an embrace.

Roman stopped laughing immediately and looked between Nadia and I like he’d just been slapped.

“Oh Daddy, I love you too and I can see you brought me a wonderful good Mommy that loves you and wants me to love her as well. She has nothing but good intentions for the both of us and there’s something special about her I haven’t felt since I was inside my Mother.”

I slowly walked over to them and embraced them both. Nadia was completely comfortable, but Roman and I were both not 100%. I understood she could see thoughts, but I wasn’t prepared for how matter of fact she was about everything. And then there was the fact she had just called me Mommy. Did she call every woman Mommy? I wasn’t sure, and I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

“Don’t be silly Mommy. I only call you Mommy because that’s what you are and you wholeheartedly wish to be. I know my Mother loved me and Daddy very much and although she wanted to stay, her body was unable to contain her energy and was damaged beyond repair, Daddy is the best Daddy that loved mother and me, and loves you but in a different way than mother and I. I know my Nanny Elise is a good woman that we employ to care for me, and she cares for me and has a crush on Daddy but would never act on it because she’s also terrified of him. Marcus is our chef and he thinks I’m very creepy and we all make him uncomfortable, but he is married to Tia, our housekeeper, so he is here to protect her which I think is very admirable. Tia thinks I am a real angel child and that Daddy is a fallen angel. She thinks God wants her to watch over us and love us to bring us back home to the light someday and protect us from the darkness.” Everyone looked at each other kind of coyly, with these revelations. There really was no hiding anything. “Daddy let me down, I need to show Mommy something.” Roman obliged and set her down.

She was the most beautiful child I’d ever seen and her eyes were an eery blue like my uncle had described and long chocalate colored hair the same as her father. She also had his perfect nose and pouty lips, but softer features like her mother. She was so pretty, she almost didn’t look real, like a very high quality doll, sprung to life.

“Oooh your uncle is an Angel? I’d very much like to meet him.” Nadia said sweetly.

This was going to take some getting used to.

“What are you going to show me sweetie?” I asked her. I had never been so enthralled with anything as I was this little girl. She was magnetic and had this other worldly confidence that made her seem wise and mature although she wasn’t even 3.

“Our future.” She stated giving me a little wink and taking my hand and leading me to the staircase and up the stairs. “I’m so glad Daddy finally found you. He’s needed you since before I can remember, and like you, I remember everything.”

I looked down at Roman who was watching us in awe and adoration. He blew a kiss to me and smiled.

“We love you too Daddy.” Nadia sang out.

This was definitely going to take some getting used to but I’d never been so excited and committed to something in my life.

#hemlock grove #roman godfrey #letha godfrey #letha #nadia godfrey #upir #angel #fanfic

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amwritingmeta · 6 years

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My dear, you are the most interesting writer of the fandom. I truly believe without knowing you in person that you are a fine human being. This I'm asking you, because I recall a piece of Meta you wrote almost a year ago about how it will be difficult to make Destiel Canon, because of the nature of show business. Now, about your last post of the color purple. Let me ask you honestly, you don't think at some point that all this things are a proof of queerbating if Destiel doesn't go Canon? Thanks

Hello, lovely Nonny! And oh wow *blushes violently* that’s one helluva compliment. And I must stress that I’m the most average human being to ever average! But thank you for saying such sweet things! Jeez Louise what a way to spend a Sunday! :D

And omg what a callback to the early days! I do remember that post, actually. It was in response to a queerbaiting discussion, but I cannot find the original to save my life so I’ll just run with it:

I do need to clarify that I believe what I said wasn’t that it is/will be/would be difficult to make Destiel canon because of the nature of show business, but rather that our fucked up world, and what it means for a show to launch itself with a queer lead, has informed how Dean Winchester and his presentation has been handled in the media and by the cast and writers/show runners.

And, naturally, how Dean Winchester is presented must inform how Destiel is handled as well. Because Dean is our protagonist.

I mean, this is my theory here and I cannot prove a single word of it, so take all of this with grains of salt - all I can give you is what makes sense to me when looking at the narrative and what I see as the intent of that narrative.

Whether Dean was always meant to be the protagonist, or meant to be the secondary character to Sam’s protagonist (roles which are established in the Pilot), is of little consequence here, what matters is that you can trace bi-Dean back to the Pilot. That side to his personality is present in the Pilot. Dean was always meant to be queer coded. Why not overtly so?

Well, the way I see: the show wanted a predominantly male audience for a reason. Because the show is about deconstructing the masculine ideal and teaching boys and men that denying who you are based on the terribly old-fashioned belief that “feelings make you weak” is not only wrong, but detrimental because the truth is this –>

–> you choose who to be, and you can be ANYONE YOU IDENTIFY YOURSELF AS

–> no one can ever tell you it’s wrong

–> there is no weird, everyone’s normal in their own way

–> and what makes a “man” is not fucking defined by the social norm bullshit of patriarchal gender oppression!!

*and breathe*

Granted, had the show actually ended in S5, this message wouldn’t have been as impactful as it is now, after thirteen years of character journey and evolution, after thirteen years of self denial and fear of happiness. But had the show ended in S5 I’m still convinced we could’ve gotten a reflection of what we’re driving towards now.

S5 could easily have climaxed with Sam and Dean ending the codependency, and Dean - instead of mistrusting Sam being able to defeat Lucifer - actually letting him go, letting him grow up, telling him “you got this”

It could easily have ended with a different angle on Cas’ arc, set up in S4 with Anna and echoed in 5x04 with Endverse human!Cas, where Cas actually chooses to give up his grace and ends up human for that final fight (not just rendered powerless and human-esque after carving that sigil into his chest)

And with Cas human, he would not have gone back to Heaven, we would have ended with Cas and Dean in the Impala, and I can see how the flirting that Dean tries to start up in 5x03 with the Thelma and Louise moment could’ve been built on throughout the season to TELL us that Dean is undeniable attracted to Cas and that it runs deeper than that and, once Cas chose humanity, they would’ve given us this love story in text for the end of the season because Cas would recognise his own feelings as well

And, you know, we could’ve gotten Sam back - the search for God and the hopelessness it rendered ending in God revealing himself and repaying Sam’s sacrifice with life and freedom…

Because S5 is all about daddy issues in need of resolution and the codependency between the brothers highlighted (as it is in most seasons of course)

But, be aware, this is truly, truly just me seeing possibilities in the structure of the narrative and hell, I’m not going to pretend I actually know the mind of Eric Kripke, yeah? Yeah, no.

But I honestly, truly believe the pattern of Dean’s bisexuality is there for a narrative reason, which means the reason I got into the queerbaiting discussion was to refute the claims and state my disagreement with them, because you can’t call it queerbaiting when the narrative function of this incredibly important character detail is hit on again and again and again on the show.

It’s not there for the shits and giggles, you know? It’s not there as some sort of hook for the LGBTQ community. It is a key component of Dean Winchester’s character makeup and it’s at the heart of the reason why he ever needed to go through this journey in the first place, this journey of opening up to love and to being loved for who he is by letting go of his preconceived notions of who he has to be, notions that it’s established in canon have been informed by toxic masculinity.

And this is one of the most powerful why-hearts of any story: searching for one’s true identity and, in doing so, having to face one’s deepest fears and conquer them.

The deconstruction of the masculine ideal is being done through Dean finding a reason to shed his toxic masculinity, and this reason is tied to his love for Cas.

Could this have been done with Cas being a woman? YES! That’s the whole point for me.

Cas’ gender is not important for Dean’s character progression or the role Cas plays in ensuring it - Cas the CHARACTER and his PERSONALITY are what’s important. The way these two men compliment each other emotionally are what’s important. The way they challenge and push and support each other’s growth is what’s important. This is why it has always been a love story - from first frame of footage. (to my mind) (I know not everyone agrees with this assessment)

And the POINT of Cas being a man instead of a woman is, for me, that it pushes the deconstruction of the masculine ideal to its very breaking point, because the ideal is idiotic and prescribes to societal norms that, honestly, are beginning to flake at the edges in modern society as is, thank goodness.

The ideal is gender normative - men are men and women are women and everything is black and white and straightforward. So to build Dean Winchester into the epitome of the masculine ideal - the man’s man, the stud, the cowboy, the hero - and have him still retain all the qualities that make him that man’s man, that stud, that cowboy, that hero - while also softening him and opening him up and revealing that deep emotional life and all that longing for love and communication and equality and all the personality traits he’s always possessed (and we’ve always seen them) that, according to societal norm, are considered feminine, well, that’s a deconstruction of the masculine ideal worth writing home to grandma about, know what I’m saying?

Consider a woman being the one to open him up to love. Well, we kind of got that with Lisa, didn’t we? Only she wasn’t real. She was a representation of what Dean wants for himself: home love family - but she was, in the end, proven an illusion. Dean was not happy playing house: because he was playing house, still stuck in playing a part he never chose for himself because of course Dean Winchester was never meant to give up the life. The reason he’s broken and lost isn’t that he was raised a hunter (saving people gives his life great meaning and purpose), but that he’s stuck performing.

So what if Cas was a woman?

Yeah. He could’ve been a woman. But the fact that Cas is a man adds a layer to Dean’s search for his true identity that would otherwise be lost. Without the love story being Dean falling for a man, they have no real narrative way to highlight his bisexuality without baking it into the narrative simply to have him be a bisexual character. Make sense?

And they didn’t build Dean as overtly bisexual because if they had:

he would have been immediately put in a character niche and the audience they want to appeal to –>

the audience that believes in the masculine ideal as truth, or that are subconsciously influenced by it daily –>

that audience would’ve been lost to them –>

because they would’ve thought “gay” and switched channel –>

no matter how man’s man and heroic Dean Winchester still is with that pink/purple/blue label across his chest

Men enjoying following the story of a man who is attracted to other men will make the men following that story question why they enjoy it, and no man’s man wants to start wondering about their own sexuality. (yup that is a generalisation but one that is based in truth no?)

“Liking bisexual Dean Winchester might mean I’m gay. So thanks but no thanks. Moving on.”

Like I said: societal norms = stupidity. Okay, actually, that’s not fair or true. The societal norms equal narrow mindedness and fear. And this is always forgivable, because it’s addressable and changeable.

But this is also the reason why Dean is not canonically in our faces bisexual. (though he might as well be) (like sheesh doesn’t take a magnifying glass)

And this ^^^ is why Cas needs to be a man. Because it completes the deconstruction of the masculine ideal to such a degree, while retaining Dean Winchester’s already established characteristics, because Dean will still be all Dean once he’s actually with Cas, that the question of “What makes a man a man?” should be a resounding one.

Is Dean Winchester not a badass, brave and tough as nails hero simply because he has softer sides and fancies dudes - one dude in particular?

Of. course. he. fucking. is.

You are a man because you identify as a man; liking flowery wallpaper and crying your eyes out to Charlotte’s Web does not somehow transform you into something other or lesser than a man. Like… WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS IDEA EVEN COME FROM WHY DOES ANYONE ADHERE TO IT SOMETIMES I JUST

Now, about your last post of the color purple. Let me ask you honestly, you don’t think at some point that all this things are a proof of queerbating if Destiel doesn’t go Canon?

Yeah, so why am I going into great detail to clarify my stance on the structure of this narrative and the approach to Destiel through the presentation of Dean Winchester as the masculine ideal? To answer this ^^^^^ part of your ask!

Because all of the above statements and my view on how this narrative has been built, the way the characters have been built, the way all of it fits together, including my colour theory that you mention :), all of it is the reason why I argue so strongly against the queerbaiting allegations.

And it’s why I cannot, for even one second, fathom that where we’re headed is not towards positive endgame and the tying up of our love story.

Destiel, to me, is already canon. Subtext is such an important part to any text and absolutely no doubt hands down it’s extremely important to the SPN text.

Dean’s character progression and evolution to where he’s at right now has been built through subtext, and through the deeper subtextual bond he shares with Cas.

What’s telling is that this becomes even clearer when Cas has been missing from the narrative. Dean made leaps and bounds worth of character growth while thinking Cas dead in S7 (Sera knew what she was doing) and we got a sharpened and focused callback to the depiction of that loss in S13. (gorgeous stuff) Not to mention how Dean has acted as a catalyst for Cas’ character progression and evolution.

This is how you build a love story.

And this is why I’ve been saying since last summer that if we don’t get this love story pushed to the forefront in undeniable ways in S13 I will eat that over-priced and not-yet-purchased hat as self-punishment for being crap at interpreting this narrative, but the way S13 is going…

All this stated, yes, of course, if they somehow fail to follow through then it will be the greatest case of queerbaiting in the history of fandom.

But I believe, with every fibre of my being, that they’re following through.

Okay, that got away from me a little, but it was very enjoyable to readdress the issue of SPN and queerbaiting and I’m amazed you remember that post!! Thanks so much for asking, lovely! And I hope I answered your question. :)

#answered asks #spn queerbaiting #destiel #opinion piece #plus a bit of #spn meta #for good measure

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your-dietician · 3 years

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Pregnancy, birth and fertility care need to be more gender inclusive, advocates say

New Post has been published on https://depression-md.com/pregnancy-birth-and-fertility-care-need-to-be-more-gender-inclusive-advocates-say/

Pregnancy, birth and fertility care need to be more gender inclusive, advocates say

TORONTO — Fertility, pregnancy and childbirth are not solely experienced by women, and advocates and experts say that it’s time to change the narrative to be more gender inclusive.

From patient intake forms to online forums and communities, pregnancy is portrayed as something that only happens for women, more often than not excluding non-binary and trans people, and advocates say this exclusion isn’t always accidental.

“It’s often a lot more active, intentional and hostile and often coming from a place where people would call themselves inclusive, or equitable or feminists, but are also trans exclusionary,” Anna Penner, non-binary gestational parent of three, and Seed and Sprout program ambassador and birth and postpartum doula with Birth Mark, told CTVNews.ca in a Zoom interview on Friday.

From the first online search for fertility and pregnancy related information, it’s nearly impossible to avoid gendered terms.

“When you Google anything to do with pregnancy or childbirth you automatically get guided to these places and spaces that only use binary language,” Gabrielle Griffith, a non-binary parent, co-ordinator and doula with Seed and Sprout, told CTVNews.ca in a Zoom interview on Friday.

Terms like ‘mamas,’ ‘papas,’ ‘ladies,’ and the like are frequently used in pregnancy and fertility related forums. Entire groups dedicated to mothers and fathers exclude non-binary people entirely. But it’s not just gendered terms like these that make these spaces fraught with gender.

“Lots of spaces talk about pregnancy being the utmost feminine experience, and what it means to be a woman and all of these things that are inherently problematic for a lot of reasons,” said Griffith. “One of those reasons being that it is not inclusive, and it’s also not true.”

Griffith said that there’s a lack of education and awareness that results in these female-centric education and online resources.

“Which is what really inspired the Seed and Sprout community program that we have here at Birth Mark Support, which is completely focused on queer and trans-affirming reproductive care, education and support,” they added.

Like gender, not everyone’s experience with fertility and pregnancy is the same. Griffith was young when they became pregnant, adding another stigma to their experience, whereas Penner sought fertility treatments though a fertility clinic.

“I was 30 when I first got pregnant, and I got pregnant through a fertility clinic using an anonymous donor,” Penner said.

But finding a queer friendly fertility clinic was difficult for Penner and her partner. They used the knowledge collected by their friends and community who’d gone through similar processes to find a fertility clinic that would be inclusive, but even then the experience wasn’t ideal.

“Even when I chose that most inclusive space, it was still really not,” Penner said.

Penner also emphasized and acknowledged her own privilege in being a white middle-class person who is able to access services like fertility care.

Patients at fertility clinics don’t always see the same doctor or nurse practitioner on each visit, making it difficult for Penner to prepare for what she was going to experience each time. Even after the birth of her first child, struggling with undiagnosed postpartum depression they didn’t know where to turn and had no choice but to turn to the communities they didn’t fit into.

“Trying to find a community and build community because I was feeling really isolated as a new parent who was dealing with some postpartum depression undiagnosed, and every space being mamas, not even mamas and papas because there are no dads in this space, it’s all just mama,” said Penner.

But Penner felt that she either needed to fit into the mould of these communities, or have no community at all.

“Just like feeling really like the sore thumb in all of these spaces, but not being able to articulate it, because I was a new parent, I didn’t have the bandwidth, I didn’t have another community to go to,” Penner said. “So it was either squeeze myself into those spaces that didn’t fit, or have no space at all.”

These situations can be all the more difficult for people living outside of cities, in smaller towns or rural areas where queer and trans-affirming care isn’t even an afterthought.

“It’s weird to say that pregnancy is gatekept like that, but there are a lot of people that are just like, ‘Oh no, if you’re not a mother like, what are you even doing getting pregnant?’” LA Kress, a non-binary soon-to-be-parent based in Kitchener, Ont., told CTVNews.ca in a phone interview on July 6.

And they’re not expecting to get exemplary care in terms of gender inclusivity when they do give birth — already they anticipate being misgendered in hospital and has dealt with it throughout their pregnancy.

“The pronoun thing is just, you have to toss that out the window because it’s not happening,” said Kress.

They hope that when they are in labour they’ll have a young doctor or nurse on their team who will advocate for them and make sure to use correct pronouns, but even watching birthing videos online they said there’s a lot of ‘you go girl!’ and gendered cheering that takes place.

They said their partner will be there to support them and correct people for using the incorrect pronouns, and also calm them if incorrect pronouns are used, but ideally gendered language stays out of the delivery room.

“I just know that that’s going to be ringing in the back of my head,” Kress said.

Despite not feeling included in the space, they still peruse the pregnancy forums that use gendered terms, but they participate in them in a different way.

“It’s like when you read a book and you put yourself into the first person,” Kress said. “You just have to be like, ‘OK let’s just separate this from who I am, they’re not writing directly to me’.”

But this unnecessary gendering of fertility, pregnancy and childbirth extends well beyond a doctor’s office or online forum. The world, in general, expects a pregnant woman.

“What I found really difficult was that the world wasn’t made to fit the intersection of my gender, and my pregnancies,” said Penner.

Many pregnancy related items, including clothing, are not made for non-binary people or transmen.

“Maternity clothing, total nightmare, finding anything to wear for five to nine months was just completely terrible, impossible and dysphoric, so it wasn’t my body it was what was there to fit my body,” Penner said.

Nursing and lactating was also very difficult for Penner, but it was something she couldn’t share in many of the communities online that are so heavily focused on women.

“Postpartum I found nursing really dysphoric,” Penner said. “I found those changes and lactation really dysphoric and didn’t have space to express that.”

When a health-care provider told them that they were a “natural” at nursing, for Penner it felt anything but.

“In that moment, it felt like the least natural thing that had ever happened to my body, but that assumption that it was something that would just be fine, really came up against my experience, but prevented me from then talking about it,” she said. “Having been told it was natural, and it was great and everything was going great, I didn’t feel like there was actually any space to voice my experience or my discomfort.”

Griffith agreed, using their body to feed their baby was an uncomfortable experience.

“It almost always led to a disassociation. Maybe that was postpartum, maybe that was gender feels,” they said. “I think I’ll never really know because I didn’t have the space to talk to people about it and process it while it was happening in real time. “

Despite all of this, pregnancy and birth helped affirm Griffith’s gender.

“My pregnancy and birthing my baby and raising my kiddo helped me come to a clear awareness of being non-binary,” they said.

CLINICAL REPRESENTATION

Gendered language is just one small hurdle that trans and non-binary people face when navigating fertility, pregnancy and birth. Medical spaces like hospitals and clinics have been notoriously unsafe spaces for queer individuals.

“There’s the general health-care barriers, which are many. There’s a limited availability and visibility of trans-competent and trans-positive services,” Dr. Helena Frecker, a Toronto-based OB/GYN, told CTVNews.ca in a phone interview on July 1.

There’s also a lack of training and sensitivity among staff in the health-care setting, she added, but there’s also a lack of competency on trans health care where trans people often have to educate their health-care providers on how to properly care for them.

There are also structural barriers, said Frecker.

“Gendered washrooms, intake forms that don’t allow for people to indicate pronouns, or if it’s different from their health card, really sort of inappropriate relationship status, such as only married or single,” she added.

And it doesn’t stop there — technological barriers are also in place.

“Like in electronic medical records, the inability to even put a name aside from the name that’s on the health card,” she said.

There’s also the question of trans fertility, which is an under-researched area.

A study conducted by Boston IVF found that trans people using testosterone still had good ovarian reserves and could produce eggs for freezing or to use for in-vitro fertilization procedures, in which eggs are retrieved from the ovaries and at a later date an embryo is placed in the uterus to grow. But even this isn’t a guarantee.

“Starting puberty blockers at a young age before puberty can irreversibly affect the ability for people to be able to harvest their own sperm or eggs later in life,” said Frecker.

Trans people are usually encouraged by their doctors to undergo fertility preservation procedures before beginning hormones, but these procedures are costly and are only covered under government health insurance in Ontario, and those come with a wait time.

People who go ahead with hormones prior to fertility preservation services, whether it be to save up for the cost, while they wait on a waitlist or they’ve changed their mind about biological children, will have to go off of the hormones in order to retrieve eggs or bank sperm, said Frecker.

“If I had to lay out all of the barriers for people accessing fertility therapy I would say that one of the biggest ones is coming off of gender affirming therapy or delaying its initiation,” she said.

In 2019, according to CARTR Plus data provided to CTVNews.ca, of 35,896 IVF cycles, 58 patients who used their own sperm were female and 14 patients who used their own eggs were male. Fewer than six people who did IVF that year identified as non-binary and 5,008 people didn’t specify gender. However, the data collected by CARTR Plus, a registry of Canadian fertility treatment data, does not directly capture those who identify as transgender so this data may not represent all transgender people who used IVF fertility treatments.

Eileen McMahon, a nurse practitioner at Mount Sinai Fertility and former president of the Canadian Fertility and Andrology Society, works directly with patients banking eggs and sperm for fertility preservation. She said that a lot of the clinics are different in their clinical practices when treating trans people who’ve been on hormones.

For trans women who want to bank sperm but have been using hormone replacement therapy (HRT), they would have to go off of hormones for three to four months, she said, and there’s no guarantee that break in hormones would result in viable sperm. For trans men, going off hormones would be just four weeks at Mount Sinai, she added, but some clinics want HRT to stop three to four months before treatment and others retrieve eggs while patients are still on testosterone.

“The World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH), they have standards of care that clearly articulate that anybody starting gender affirming hormones needs to be counselled about the risk to their fertility,” said McMahon.

At Mount Sinai, they’ve seen an increase in these types of referrals which McMahon said shows that people are heading this advice.

“Our referrals have definitely increased in the last couple of years, but many are quite young, and they’re not in a place where they know whether they want biological children,” she said. “They’re not sure whether they want to go through this.”

Egg retrieval can be quite invasive; it involves vaginal ultrasounds, taking hormones so the ovaries produce multiple eggs, and retrieval involves inserting a needle into the vagina to collect the eggs from each ovary, all of which McMahon says can be a triggering experience.

“Some of them have never had anything internally in their life and the prospect of having ultrasounds and a procedure is quite scary for them,” she said. “And some trans women aren’t able to masturbate a sample.”

LANGUAGE MATTERS

While changing the language is just a part of changing the narrative of who accesses fertility, pregnancy and birthing services, it is an important step.

“I think that using inclusive terminology doesn’t take away from the experiences of people who are female-identified, I think it allows for everyone to feel more included and more reflected in the care that can be provided to them,” said Frecker.

“The UN has a system wide strategy on gender parity and they say that given the role of language in shaping cultural and social attitudes, using gender-inclusive language is a powerful way to promote gender equality,” McMahon said.

She emphasized what Dr. Muna Abdi once tweeted: “It is not Inclusion if you are inviting people into a space you are unwilling to change.” (https://twitter.com/muna_abdi_phd/status/1406236697306804224?lang=en)

“It doesn’t mean we can’t also talk about women’s experiences, it doesn’t require the negation of femaleness,” she added. “It just means we accept that women’s rights need not be one at the expense of other people, and when we are inclusive we’re including all those people we’re not erasing anyone.”

There is a belief among some women, particularly among trans exclusionary radical feminists, that using gender-inclusive language, such as pregnant people instead of pregnant women or pregnancy care instead of maternity care, erases women, but McMahon says that’s not the case.

For Penner, this sort of exclusionary attitude is more difficult than some of the other hurdles, and emphasizes the need to go beyond just using inclusive language.

“That can be a lot harder to combat when it’s not just omission, but a real refusal to be inclusive in the space, to even consider the possibility,” she said.

For Kress, it’s frustrating when people believe this line of thinking, because it doesn’t stop anyone from identifying, or being, a mother.

“That makes me angry and it’s like, why are you including yourself in something that doesn’t apply to you? If you like the word mother, great, I love that for you, but maybe I want to just be the parent. What’s so bad about that?”

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beyondthedreamline · 6 years

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what she says: I'm fine

what she means: So it’s interesting how the fact Loki probably had to have sex with Jeff Goldblum to keep himself alive and safe was both never made textual AND used as the butt of a joke (lol pun intended), because it doesn’t matter if Loki was sort of willing and it doesn’t matter if he’s sort of evil either - how can you give consent when you fall headfirst on a planet dominated by a psychotic pervert and why is sexual violence such a fun thing when it’s about men and this is James Bond all over again and how they inserted that ‘Maybe I got fucked before, you don’t know’ line during a high tension moment leading up to torture and possibly rape because that’s what’s fashionable now, gay subtext, amirite, which I’ve got nothing against but funnily enough it never seems to lead anywhere and hey, coming back to 'Thor: Ragnarok', isn’t it neat how the sexually ambiguous, feminine-coded brother ended up as a courtesan-slash-sex slave and the painfully straight übermensch brother got sent to the arena to fight and die and yay for novel and groundbreaking storytelling, right, because this is new, how women are sold into sex and/or need to pretend to be willing sexual partners to madmen so they have a shot at escaping violence and death while men are made to fight and somehow their kind of enslavement is recognized as terrible and tragic and something they're no part of, but women, eh, who can be sure about them, and my God, Loki couldn’t have been more stereotypically gay if they’d tried, I mean, Fashion-Conscious Drama Queen Initiates A Reign of Self-Obsessed Musical Theatre and how is that okay on top of Valkyrie, a canon bisexual woman, being coded as Thor’s love interest and also - #thor ragnarok #marvel #loki laufeyson #abuse for ts #rape for ts #negativity #imo this is the other problem with representation #we get one non white director #and we want to like him #we want to think he can do no wrong #but this movie #my god #it read like fanfiction #and not in a good way #also it was probably #the most misogynistic thor movie to date #just compare it with the first thor #where women were allowed to be women #also themselves #bc one thing i don't need #is women to get drunk and belch on screen #i mean sure #sometimes women do that #but this sudden idea #that feminist movies #need to have women act like (fictional) men do #well i hate it #sorry for ranting #but i do #i'd take a thousand jane forsters @awed-frog Okay, I reblogged the original post by @awed-frog but the text came out so strangely that it’s irritating the hell out of me, so I’m making a new post in the hope Tumblr doesn’t glitch it up too. This perspective on ‘Ragnarok’ is so interesting I have to respond to it, because I had completely the opposite reaction to everything! I loved the structure and pacing and the endless supply of in-jokes (the Douglas Adams reference most of all). This is a story with distinctly Antipodean humour, which you may or may not get – I sometimes struggle with the American humour in Marvel movies, different cultures tell their jokes different ways. The emotional beats were quiet and strong, trusting in the audience to understand their significance without overstatement: Thor going through funeral rites as best he can while imprisoned, Loki’s visible distress at the idea of Thor leaving him behind. There was also finally some solid textual support for Loki being more than a villain – which, given all the things he’s done to Earth, Asgard and Thor specifically, is no mean feat. I mean, at the point when you have a character who has faked his own death TWICE while trying to commit genocide BOTH TIMES, you have to lean hard into the inherent morbid comedy of the thing to keep it all from spiralling into cartoonish ridiculousness. I like Loki, largely because Tom Hiddleston has great facial expressions that can sell inconsistent characterisation, but seriously, it takes the actual apocalypse for him to step up and be useful. ‘Ragnarok’ reminds us that while Loki loves to play the victim and the martyr, he rarely is one. Usually, he’s the opposite. Trickery and charm are his great skills and as Thor pointed out, Sakaar was the perfect environment for him to thrive. We see him chat up girls, watch fights with the Grandmaster and act as a kind of pet bounty hunter, all of which he would hardly need much coercion to do. You can definitely read sexual subtext into their interactions, but I saw no implication of Loki being any more sexually threatened by the Grandmaster than Valkyrie was – that is to say, not at all. This is the guy who was willing to shove his brother straight back into the arena if it meant getting a step up in his new life, why would he feel uncomfortable sleeping his way to the top? I love the detail of him turning his 'death' into a play because he's literally the actor, the liar, the manipulator of events. In the end, Loki is a conman, and a very talented one. I’m sad that Jane won’t be returning to the Thor franchise, because I loved her character from the start and I truly enjoyed her dynamic with Thor. Also, DARCY. I will sorely miss Darcy Lewis. The truth is, I can’t think of a really satisfactory way for their departures to be handled on-screen, because I did not want them to depart at all. I feel like it should be pointed out, though, that ‘Thor: the Dark World’ was essentially Jane and Thor’s second date, and Jane was already running low on patience with his trans-Bifrost lifestyle. He’s kind and adorable and undeniably high-maintenance. If Jane had to have an exit, I’d prefer it like this, a low-key and everyday break-up rather than some big melodramatic event for Thor to brood over and Jane to be eventually talked out of. Also, just because I love Jane doesn’t mean I can’t love Valkyrie, and vice versa. It’s not a competition, however much Marvel tried to make it one. I’m a bit uncomfortable with your tag comment about the first Thor movie, describing it as the one ‘where women were allowed to be women’, because women are all kinds of things. I think I understand what you mean, there is rather an excess of traditionally masculine misbehaviour in mainstream media, but sometimes women are angry and disillusioned and drink way too much in order to cope, and that’s a story worth telling too. Honestly, I was on board with Valkyrie’s character from the minute she fell off her spaceship. She’s not a ‘better than the boys’ stereotype, she’s an embittered alcoholic warrior who gets dragged into friendship with Thor against her better judgement, and while that friendship might eventually shift into something romantic, it wasn’t shoehorned into her arc, for which I am intensely grateful. Ragnarok is, in so many ways, a movie with its foundations in the anger of the dispossessed. There are plenty of articles written on the subject by people better qualified than me. All I can say is that, as an Australian, I live in the messy aftermath of colonialism, with the awareness that my nation as I know it was founded on a violent invasion and that its impact is still being felt today. The line ‘where do you think all of this gold came from?’ was so flawless it kind of knocked my breath away. Hela tore apart Odin’s legacy and the narrative backed her right to do so the whole time. The only way to defeat her was to acknowledge that her claim was rightful and her story was true. That’s unbelievably powerful. Emotional resonance is a weird thing. So much of what we love in a story is entirely in the eye of the beholder, and perhaps it also depends on what other narratives are around us at the time – I, for instance, am personally tired of grimdark superheroism that’s all about how we can’t trust each other. What I need right now is Thor’s relentless optimism in the face of disaster, the man who makes friends wherever he goes, the god-prince who loses everything but rescues what really matters out of the ashes. Ragnarok isn’t a perfect movie, but it’s the best I’ve seen in a very long time and talking about it has made me want to watch it all over again.

#thor ragnarok spoilers #meta #the weird bolding and font stuff going on in my reblog was just too annoying to endure #thor #loki #hela #the Odinson family are such a godawful mess #jane foster #valkyrie #women of marvel #superheroes

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