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miinsang · 1 year

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ateez friendships | woosan for @sanchelinz

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iguessyouregonnamissthepantyraid · 4 months

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having a really old dog is just repeating the mantra to yourself "i am grateful for the time i've been given and when it comes time to let him go i will do so gracefully. i am grateful for the time i've been given and when it comes time to let wait why are you not pooping normally WHAT IS GOING ON WHY WON'T YOU POOP ARE YOU DYING" and then calling the vet in a panic, being told actually he's fine but give the probiotic some time to do its thing and then let us know if anything changes, and then you take a deep breath and go "cool. yeah. obviously he's fine. anyway. i am grateful for the time i've been given and

#listen i got this dog when he was already 7 years old and i was 22 #never in a million years did i think he'd still be here EIGHT YEARS LATER when i'm THIRTY #tbh after all the shit i've given him for pooping inside he WOULD go out because of some constipation #like ''fine you don't want me to poop inside? i guess i'll never poop again''#which is why i was so worried because this just felt like something that would happen #but the vet literally didn't bat an eye when i called lmao #she was just like ''oh yeah that sounds totally normal''#so this geriatric menace gets to live on #me #dog death cw #not really but talking about like. the inevitability of it #HONESTLY i'm glad i've had so many scares because it's almost like it's bracing me for the real event #not to be. excessively morbid or anything #ANYWAY #DOG IS FINE HE'S JUST HAVING HIS DIGESTIVE SYSTEM RESET

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marantis · 6 months

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Have a some_kind_of_eldritch_monstrosity!Shen Qingqiu from my story Jade Heart over on Ao3

#svsss #Shen Qingqiu #Eldritch!Shizun #honestly I'm so glad I did progress photos because I don't know if I like the end product more than version one #somewhere along the way his expression changed and I don't know how that happened #please ignore the anatomy that doesn't make sense #he's only had this body for a little while and it's hard keeping track of everything

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saturnskyline · 1 year

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#maybe even with the inherent homoeroticism in there depending on who you ask

me, me, me, ask me!

~*~*~

Kim is sixteen when he wants to move out. His father doesn't say no, but he might as well. He tells Kim that nowhere is as safe as their house and that Kim can move out when he can defend himself properly, and by properly, he means Kim has to win whatever fight his father organizes. Kim is a good fighter, a natural one, he gets praise from Chan, and nobody except Pete gets praise from Chan. But his father is a cunning man, and when Kim gets attacked by Big, Chan and some burly dude he has never seen before, it only takes them a few minutes to win.

"Who was that?" he asks later when Pete ices his sore jaw and tells Kim what mistakes he made during the fight and what he needs to work on next.

"Game," Pete says because Pete knows everything. "I've seen him with Khun Vegas."

Ah.

~*~*~

"What do I get out of it?" Vegas asks because Vegas doesn't do favours, not even for his family.

"You can pretend I am Kinn and beat the shit out of me?"

Vegas snorts and ends the call.

~*~*~

Kim trains harder than ever and still loses. Fucking Game pulls a knife on him, slaps him, and fights like he has no honour. This time Pete is silent as he holds an ice pack to Kim's bloody nose.

~*~*~

"No," Vegas says instead of hello.

"What would it take?" Kim asks because he hates the house he lives in, hates the chain on his neck, and hates not following his dream.

There is a long silence.

"Why?" Vegas asks in English.

"I want to get out, and he won't let me leave otherwise."

Vegas laughs, but it sounds hollow. "Sucks to be you."

He ends the call but messages Kim two days later. The message contains nothing but a time, date and address. Kim has three days to figure out how he can sneak away; he has a feeling Vegas does not want witnesses.

~*~*~

Vegas is two years older, taller and stronger. He fights to win, and he fights dirty. He enters the abandoned apartment with a scowl and wastes no time with pleasantries, dropping a bag and going after Kim like his life depends on it. He pushes Kim into the broken coffee table with a kick in his stomach, and it's on. Twenty minutes later, Kim is on his back, bleeding from at least ten different places, and he isn't sure that a few of his ribs are not broken. His head hurts, and his wrists are firmly pinned above his head. Vegas grins with bloody teeth, and something in his eyes makes Kim realize that maybe it was not a good idea to show up alone, with nobody to protect him.

"See you in two weeks," Vegas finally says, disappearing before Kim gets enough strength to sit up. He stays like that for a while, wrists still above his head, and if he closes his eyes, he can still feel Vegas's hands around them.

~*~*~

It takes a while to unlearn some of the things Big and Pete have taught him, but Kim is a quick learner. Where Vegas might be stronger, Kim is faster, and where Vegas is more aggressive, Kim can use that momentum against him. That and he learns to use anything and everything around him to fight Vegas. The first time he throws an old vase, Vegas actually stops and laughs, looking at the broken pieces around him. Kim punches him in the jaw to shut him up. Later he yields to Vegas when they roll, and the ceramic pieces cut up Kim's back badly enough that he needs stitches.

~*~*~

Five months in Vegas shows up with a bruise on his face, his lip swollen and bloody.

"Cheating on me?" Kim asks, pushing Vegas against the wall with a strength he didn't have months ago. Vegas growls like an actual animal and swaps them around so viciously that Kim almost loses his balance. His head hits the wall with a loud thud. Kim's so used to the pain, he ignores it. Vegas goes for his stomach, and Kim risks leaving it unprotected. He punches Vegas in the mouth, splits the lip open again, and Vegas stumbles backwards.

Kim wastes no time, aims for legs and kicks hard enough that Vegas falls, and the adrenaline rush from knowing that this might be the first time he wins is so heady that Kim almost falls himself. He knows he is not strong enough to make Vegas yield just by pinning down his arms, so he uses his body to pin Vegas down, punches Vegas in the mouth once and then twice and then the third time, enough to make Vegas dizzy, to make him forget who is stronger.

"Yield," he orders, looking down at the blood smeared all over Vegas's mouth.

Vegas looks at him. It's a strange look, like he's calculating something, and Kim pushes his knee deeper into Vegas's stomach. "Yield."

Vegas surges up and bites Kim's lips with such strength that the blood that Kim tastes is his own. He yelps in pain and surprise, and the next thing he knows, Vegas flips them around, grinning like he always does when he knows he's won.

"What the fuck," Kim turns his head, breathless still, and spits blood on the floor. He should have aimed for Vegas's face.

Vegas, the crazy motherfucker, leans down and licks Kim's jaw like Kim is some prey to be eaten.

"See you in two weeks," he says, leaving Kim on the floor, covered in their blood.

~*~*~

Kim disarms Chan, Game and Big four months later and gets his apartment keys. If Vegas is surprised to see him a week after, he doesn't let it show. He pushes Kim against the kitchen counter, and Kim breaks a dish against Vegas's cheek. It's on.

first of all, before i go any further, this is in reference to my tags on a previous post about kim and vegas bonding through violence:

second of all.... TUMSA????? TUMSA. YOU'RE LITERALLY INSANE FOR DUMPING THIS MASTERPIECE IN MY INBOX 😭😭😭

well idk what i'm even supposed to say gdhfsdjfhsdf. i'm glad you volunteered for the sake of "inherent homoeroticism" bc you are going to be the reason i put the vegaskim? kimvegas? (probably both. they're fighting for dominance after all) tag on my blog for the first time 🥲 thank you for your service bestie <3333

#i am overwhelmed #my brain is exploding and i am so so grateful #honestly i didn't even mean to keep pointing out the ship it just happened #and now i'm glad i did lol #much thanks again bff #kim theerapanyakul #vegas theerapanyakul #kimvegas #vegaskim #kpts #can't believe i'm tagging the next two together pls i feel so blessed #fanfic #asks

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avi17 · 2 years

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Maybe I'm just seeing more of this than usual since I'm in my biggest fandom in a long time but like. I feel like the kids today have very much forgotten that you're allowed to just...ship a thing. You're allowed to think the characters had interesting potential and just. Do the thing. You don't have to dissect eye movement and body language and where people are standing and stuff to prove it's canon- that stuff is chemistry, and it can be real and present without it being intentional. Doesn't make it any less real, but also doesn't make it some kind of conspiracy- there are movies from 70 years ago where actors had interesting chemistry that comes off homoerotic, but that certainly doesn't mean they were playing it that way on purpose. You don't have to wildly skew stuff actors say in interviews either, putting words in people's mouths is actually a little creepy.

I think we're at the point with queer representation and canon queer ships where we've had enough of it turn out to be real that we want it to always be real, and we feel like we have to prove it is real to feel valid in shipping it. I'm here to tell you that you don't have to do that.

I'm not saying those ships SHOULDN'T be canon, I'd love them to be. In some cases the story would be way better if they were. But you don't have to prove they were Canon All Along to be allowed to enjoy them. And if you hinge your enjoyment of a piece of media made by cishet people on the idea that the actors are going to confirm your ship was canon, or feel like you have to validate your ship by insisting it will become canon, I feel like you're just gonna end up disappointed.

#stranger things #steddie #byler #stranger things 4 #st4 #like. guys #when Joseph quinn was asked about steddie he made a joke and then was like idk man people can dream #I'm glad he's not a homophobe and is cool joking about it but that doesn't mean it's canon or that he's the captain of the steddie ship #WE are the captains and that is totally fine #and the byler kids i just. i worry about you guys #i fully support you guys but i also just honestly don't think you're gonna get what you want and are so convinced will happen #and i feel like this fandom is gonna get NASTY on both sides at that point #i just. oof #queer shipping #lgbtq+#ok addendum I'm seeing this post being liked by mileven people who are being dicks to the byler people #and just so we're clear this is not for you either #the fact that your het ship is likely to be canon in a story written by straight people doesn't make it better and you are also being jerks #gonna put all you kids in time out like mama Steve

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iteration-penumbra · 9 months

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The planets align...

#no man's sky #nms #nms photography #I got so excited when I saw this while flying around #I haven't had this happen since this picture so I'm glad I captured the moment!#I also loved how this shows how unnaturally close the planets are in nms lol. Honestly we're lucky they haven't put in complicated gravity #because oh boy. it would be a time. There would be so many ragdoll glitches.#penumbra's pics

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shmoo06 · 9 months

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x

#d'arcy carden #tetrisisters #miranda #gif #twitch #darcy carden #this made me laugh really hard and i'm so glad i clipped it because there's no vod #honestly I didn't realize this was a thing that could happen and I am here for more d'arcy and miranda streams #i stayed up so late lol #d'arcymine

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difeisheng · 9 months

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.

#just. need a space to ramble about di feisheng and being able to stare his abusers and captors in the eye #and get that revenge and closure. i'm glad he got that #and while his relationship with jiao liqiao is definitely the thing in this show that's horrified me most so far #i think it was fascinating to portray that dynamic and how women can be fucked up in relationships with men sometimes #like abuse is still abuse it doesn't matter what the gender is #it was a brave take to do their arc honestly and xiao shunyao and wang herun fucking sold it #but anyways. di feisheng breaks out and breaks the cycles and it doesn't have to happen again. rest easy a-fei #i am seriously bracing myself for the last two eps though because that mf zeng shunxi said there were two endings #and if it's one based on canon im not optimistic for multiple things #okay. i will go to sleep. just. di feisheng means a lot to me. sigh #ashton originals #mysterious lotus casebook #mysterious lotus casebook spoilers

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krakenguard · 6 months

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The difference between us fic writers is, we write about all manner of nasty things. But we also tag them as a means of warning readers. If the work contains something I don't want to read about, I don't read it.

In the case of Our Flag Means Death: There was no tag warning about the death of a major character. But I learned about it through other people.

So with that in mind, I will not continue my viewing of the show. Because I honestly don't want to see this character's death.

I hope it DOES continue onward. Maybe Izzy WILL be brought back through some miraculous twist of fate. Or maybe it's wishful thinking.

But, as it is, I am putting this story down... Our Flag Means Death ended with La Vie En Rose.

#ofmd spoilers #izzy hands #I'm trying to rationale the difference between us fic writers vs. David Jenkins and his show.#We tag our stories because we honestly don't want our audience to get upset.#Compare and contrast Izzy Hands getting killed off and therefore upsetting a lot of people.#I'm glad I read into spoilers because I don't want to see this character die. So I'm doing the rational thing and stopping myself.#I have a lot of thoughts. What happened. How people reacted. How I personally feel...#The creator should not get harassed for the decision of killing off the character. Likewise there is no shame in walking away from the show.#But this does tie in with the argument of tags on... Like... AO3.#THIS IS WHAT TAGS ARE FOR. This work might contain upsetting material. If you don't want to read to read it this is your chance.#And there were no tags warning me of Major Character Death.

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pensivespacepirate · 6 days

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AM I IN FUCKING ESKEW AGAIN

#tsv 36 #liveblog #I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP IT WAS SO TENDER IN THE BEGINNING BUT THE CHAPTER TITLE IS 'ALL LOVERS PART AS DUST' BUT WE GET A GLIMPSE OF HAPPY #MOMENTS IN THE TRAGIC SHOW YOU CAN'T HELP BUT SAVOUR IT. YOU GET HOPEFUL #you expect to see the other shoe drop but it didn't for so long so you maybe mayybe can try to settle into the comfort AND THAT'S WHEN IT #GETS YOU I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M BACK IN ESKEW #ESKEW PRODUCTIONS WHEN I CATCH YOU. WHEN I FUCKING CATCH YOU #STOP PLAYING WITH MY HOPE AND DESPAIR OMFG I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE (CLICKS ON THE NEXT EPISODE)#actually i think I'm gonna need more time before i eat the next one. this one is. fuckkkkkk #i didn't even have the emotional time to savour carpenter and haywards bickering THEY'RE SO CUTE (PLATONIC)#ANYWAY HOWWWW DO THEY DO IT SO WELL. IM FEELING BOTH HOPE AND DESPAIR TOGETHER #it's. you feel the same to Sebastian. when will the other shoe drop? when will the hotel be taken away from Sebastian? when will the #horrifying tragedy happen to dev and seb?#i kept guessing what's the worst thing to happen to them to try and prepare myself for it but honestly I'm glad I'm terrible at guessing #the dream ending. the dream ending. sorry limbus company canto 7 weighing heavy on my mind #the dream. ending #tsv #ALSO I CAN'T BELIEVE!!!! THEY GOT KISSING NOISES IN THE SILT VERSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#KISSING NOISES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#eskew is like. being incredibly aware will not make the problems out of your control better you will only be very aware and maybe feel #vindicated if they come true but you will not feel any better #<-projecting

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vamptastic · 9 days

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i have dug myself into a deep hole this past year and i am now finally making actual progress to digging myself back out 👍

#i had a wee mental breakdown and tanked my grades i'm not like homeless or in physical danger. don't want to worry #but ive been hiding everything and i finally just told my parents and it went surprisingly well and they're helping me figure it out #its gonna be uhhh hard but i just want to stop wasting months of my life away continuously so. i need to do this #as much as i am like deeply angry and ashamed of myself i am at least proud of myself for getting help #cos it was honestly getting to the point that i was considering harming myself to try to get out of this #and im glad im uhhh well enough to stop myself from doing that and reach out before that happens #anyway. friends & mutuals i am fine i just need to get my shit together lifewise & mentally

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ereborne · 15 days

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Song of the Day: April 15

"Something in the Way She Moves" by James Taylor

#song of the day #it's been two weeks + two days since the last song of the day #the issue is you see that I started the songs up again in December because my insomnia was fucking up my perception of time #and I wanted some kind of regular marker to help me keep track #and then what happened two weeks + two days ago is that I lost all track of time and subsequently the songs of the day failed #I'm gonna see if I can keep up again for a bit now that I've re-restarted without an alarm on my phone #but if I miss any this week I'll just give in and turn the alarm back on #updates from the last two weeks are going to sound so chaotic let's see #I got a new project at work /and/ I got demoted /and/ I got added to a higher access level /and/ I'm in charge of a new database #yes all of those things together. I'm to be an accountant now! not instead but in addition to my other stuff. should be interesting #I didn't get April Fools off like I was scheduled to because all my scheduled vacation got unapproved #(I was here for about twenty nonsequential minutes to boop people and I'm glad I made time for it. extremely fun to boop)#I lied shamelessly to get eclipse day off and we went on a full-day roadtrip and it was wonderful. everything I dreamed and more #I killed one of my baby succulents through clumsiness and rabbits ate my pea plants but my sage and cabbages look promising #got a massive pot of mint flourishing on my porch and the horseradish is gorgeous #got Duncan lights and plants and a filter system for his frog tank but we haven't set up the substrate yet #so there's just potted plants sitting inside a terrarium. very amusing honestly #I've been playing a little Stardew and eating a /lot/ of hot sauce and tofu #drinking tons of klass aguas frescas--especially the soursop one. holy shit is it good. the mango and hibiscus also #and these past few days I've been sleeping better #for most of those two weeks I was getting a handful of twenty-minute naps each workday and then crashing unwillingly on the weekend #I haven't read any comic books since February :'( this weekend we're going to costco and then I'm reading comics until Monday #what have y'all been up to? I've missed being around #edit: oh shit the actual song part. anyway this is James Taylor! makes me happy and helps me settle. good vibes songs #I'm half-panicked about work all the time recently and then also today was tax day (Nick's taxes. blegh)#James Taylor doing some heavy lifting round here

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lazulines · 21 days

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I got back into my original tw*tter account! I will be resuming my activities/art posts there again. I'm so glad I didn't lose everything there ;;v;;

#just a tiny update but yay #I honestly felt really down when that happened so even tho I tried to keep going I lost a lot of momentum in art for awhile...#idk why it took support that long to finally help me but I'm just glad to be back

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roughdraftsofachaoticmind · 2 years

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The Sandman.

I can’t properly put into words how The Sandman show makes me feel. But I’m going to try. So, lets start at the beginning. I’m the youngest of three and there are large gaps between me and my sisters 7 and 12 years older than me, they were mainly my semi-reluctant babysitters. My eldest sister was big into the grunge and goth subculture that flourished in the 90′s and my middle sister was more into the boho chic and me? Just a weird amalgamation of a child. We didn’t bond very much which isn’t something I hold against them, our ages were so staggered, we were in such different journeys in our lives. However they always shared their books. Books on mythologies, Goosebumps and too many comics to count. My middle sister introduced me to Death: At Death’s Door by Jill Thompson. I was enthralled. I was in love. It was strange and like nothing I’d ever seen. I would read it over and over again. That comic was with me all the times, it brought me comfort like a teddy bear or blanket might do for another child. I would proudly show it to anyone who would give me a moment to talk about my interests. Later in my young life my oldest sister would introduce me to Volume One of The Sandman. Preludes & Nocturnes. A dramatic difference to Death: At Death’s Door and I was once again enraptured by the comic. I latched onto the weird and colourful world that was sprawled upon the pages, at a different look at characters I’d come to love. This book too would now come with me everywhere, tucked in beside the love worn pages of the other for whenever I had a moment to read. Things rapidly changed as I hit my teens, my life entirely tipped over and emptied by divorce, drugs and abuse. My sisters now old enough to have their own lives left and had taken their belongings with them as one does. And the once cramped room we all somehow managed to not kill each other in was empty. All their books now lined their own homes and the only ones I had were those tucked away in my bag. The only two pieces of my sisters I would have for many years as family arguments chased away any get togethers and divided us. Pieces that felt like they were apart of the building blocks of me would be taken from me as my school councilor would deem the reading material too old for me and take them from me. They said it was to protect my young mind but it felt as if they had done it for any reason but to protect me, I was distraught beyond reason. Libraries became my solace. A place where no one would take my books from me, a place where I could come to visit the stories that brought me so much comfort, a place to discover more than I could imagine. A place where free coffee went unwatched and may be the reason I am only 5′5″. The librarians there were unbelievably kind and always kept two copies of both books in case anyone else wanted to check them out there would still be a copy for me to read. All their kindness however could not bring me the feel of the worn edges of my books, they could not give me back the memories that flooded my system as I’d look upon the pages I’d coloured in my youth. Eventually CAS tore me from my home and my school was forced to give back everything they’d taken from me over the years. I was reunited with my books, books I would need more than ever as I was thrown around the unmonitored foster care system. My weird amalgamation of self was stripped until I was more or less deemed normal enough to be placed with my mother, enough therapy until I could answer correctly. Books and trinkets no longer kept in my bag but lining a shelf neatly as all rational things should be. Comforting items such as were meant for babies and toddlers not teens heading into adulthood. Angst, trauma, hormones and all that comes with being 16 dragged me far from books. Years spent angry at the world, at family I had believed abandoned me, Anarchy ever on my mind after suffering at the hands of flawed government agencies. I was barely home to sleep let alone look at my book shelf. My anger dissolved as I got older and was replaced with the feeling of being lost, trying to reclaim who I was and discover the new parts of me, the ever massive question of finding my path in life weighing on my mind. Waiting for me dusty on my shelves were books that when I opened still gave me such a sense of comfort. Words I could recite with my eyes closed still filled me with wonder when I stared at them on the page. That brings us to the fairly recent, the release of Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman on Netflix. To spite having typed so many words here I’m still at a loss. It brought me to comforting tears, tears of joy, unshed tears of loneliness and of belonging. The first 5 episodes and a bit of the 6th are from Volume One of The Sandman. Preludes & Nocturnes. I could barely believe it as I watched the pages I’d become to familiar with sprawl upon the screen just as enthrallingly beautiful as the first time I’d opened the comic. Watching the series brought me back to being small, in the room with my sisters, sitting on our bunk beds and just reading together without a worry in the world, moments where the tenderness had been lost upon me were brought back full force. The immense warmth that filled my chest to the point of bursting. Each actor enrapturing the character they played, leaping from the pages with grace. Every actor clearly chosen for capturing the character’s essence. Lines of dialog dripping from the pages and into my ears. I can’t describe The Sandman as anything other than perfect. It happened no moment sooner or later than it was supposed too, all those who were right for the job found at the right time. When I finished the first 5 episodes and it started with the new arc I worried I would feel disconnected. I make no claims to be the biggest Neil Gaiman fan or even the biggest Sandman fan for that matter, I know two comics very well and have read a handful of the others, whatever was available at my library at the time but that was many years ago and my library didn’t have all his comics. I didn’t recognize Rose Walker, I didn’t know about Vortex’s and so I was worried that I may not experience the same level of joy, that I would fall out of love with these characters. I did not. It was wonderful. It was the opposite of what I had feared. Instead now my brain was enthralled with ‘what would happen next?’ as I no longer had the answers. And the same way I had fallen in love with the books and their unknowns I fell in love with the rest of the season and it’s unknowns. I see new parts of characters I feel I’ve known for most of my life and I adore it with everything in me. As I introduced, I don’t have the words to describe what the books and this show means to me. But I’ve tried and I can only hope that in reading this I can convey my Endless love for what The Sandman has given me for nearly 20 years.

#The Sandman #Neil Gaiman #the sandman preludes & Nocturnes #Jill Thompson #Death: At Death's Door #The Endless #honestly I just wanted to put words to my feelings #I don't know if anyone will get anything from reading this #but I just wanted to put it out there #I find it fascinating #what happens to be introduced to us and how it can become such a part of us #Ya'll don't wanna see me go into the details of my love for LOTR's #or maybe you do #either way #I just have so much fondness in my heart #maybe this is the result of that near bursting I mentioned #but this felt good to write #I'm glad I did

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zemnarihah · 9 months

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erik is my boyfriend now it would seem

#confirmed 👍🏼#rlly weird to say i feel like at heart i'm a single girl i'm a loner yk. but it's like welllll. i like him.... so...#i will try not to like wax poetic but what i will say. is with the distance and everything this is probably the most difficult #relationship situation i have ever been in. but it feels easier w him than it ever has with anyone else. soooo like. whatever....#also my apologies if anyone was madly in parasocial love w me it's not me it's u etc.#wait that's wrong. i'm not writing that tag again but ykwim 👍🏼#anyway peace and love everyone i'm v happy:) i was sad abt it as it started developing honestly bc i was like. it's DOOMED but i think #regardless of how difficult it may be i'm glad it's happening yk like it's worth it

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irritablepoe · 2 months

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y u crying?

Well technically I'm not crying yet👀 but. Uh. Life is happening to me and lil ol' socially-a-wreck me can't take it apparently

#i wasn't build for this💀#and they're being so nice but like for what? I'm not doing anything special?#and i think they think i can do more than i actually can #and I don't want to disappoint them #(also like my usual “they all hate me” kinda stuff and ugh i just don't feel human... and it's weird being noticed by people...#it's like it's not supposed to happen that I'm *there* or that I'm present. in a body. in a room.#but anyways sorry sorry it's just my usual yapping. all in all I'm just tired and just not feeling too well but that's been going on-#-the last couple of weeks anyways so...🥲)#-johnny's asks #so annoying to yap about this anyways I'm glad i have an internship and it's fun and all (like seriously) but yeah...#I'm not being too kind to myself honestly

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