#I'm feeling suicidal again for the nth time this month | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

krovav · 3 years

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07•07•16💉// 06•18•18 🔪

5 years on Testosterone // 3 years post-top

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[he/him] | Instagram

Ok, full disclosure, it feels so bizarre to be at this point in my transition. It took me a while to get HRT, and even shortly before I started testosterone, I was half-convinced I would never manage to get to even 1 month, let alone 5 years.

I figured I would take some selfies with facial hair for this milestone because I hardly ever show any of the hair growth I got from T—largely because I'm not a fan of it, but I think these came out nicely.

[CW: dysphoria, suicide ment. etc from this point on]

Transitioning has been a bit of a rollercoaster, but definitely one of the best decisions I've made in my life. While I still have my struggles, I have never been more at home in my own form than I am now.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my identity, and some of the final puzzle pieces of "self" have been falling into place. I have always been a very feminine person; I do not fit the mold of trans guy who did all the "boy" things as a child. I was stone-cold serious about my dolls, I regularly got mani-pedis, I wore dresses and heels as if they were a second skin.

That changed dramatically when I hit puberty and the dysphoria (tm) started to set in, and suddenly I was overcompensating with hypermasculinity. Masculinity was my armor, the only thing keeping away the suicidal storm cloud invading my brain at all times. I didn't care if I hated how I looked if it meant that a cashier every so often would call me "sir".

But that was the most stifled time of my entire life. Not only was I lacking the knowledge that trans people existed and so also lacking the ability to define my own experiences, I was in turmoil over the clash of my interests and my need to feel "like a man". Sexism is a hell of a drug.

I've been working for years to shake off the chains placed on my self-expression by society's definition of being a man. I would tell myself that, sure, I wanted to do x thing, but if I do that, I'll never pass. And, sure, T and top surgery would magically make it so that I always pass, as long as I follow all these strict rules and never enjoy my life ever again. Passing is very much presented as the end-all-be-all to transitioning, so it's understandable that many trans people, myself included, have little set as a higher priority than being the "most" of their given gender.

But the reality of my transition has been that I don't always pass, even when I'm performing masculinity to the nth degree, because everyone (particularly uninformed cis people) has their own idea of what women and men are "supposed" to look like. And for a while that really plagued me. I was so happy and fulfilled with the changes I was seeing, I felt so much less dysphoric, so why were other people still seeing me as female? And that would push me further into feeling the need to be masculine, and over and over again I would just have it confirmed that I needed to work harder to be seen as a guy. That the dysphoria I was going through was somehow my fault for not working hard enough to pass.

What I've realized over the course of a year or so has been that it isn't and has never been my job to validate my identity to other people. If I'm making myself happy, if I'm relieving my own dysphoria, it does not in any way matter that some random person at the grocery store thought my long hair equaled girl, or that I get stared at in public restrooms, or that other people find it awkward when they get my pronouns wrong.

It is my job to take care of myself. It is my job to wear things that make me feel good about myself, either because they are simply comfortable or because I love the way they look. It is my job to make myself happy.

It is my job to learn to cope with my dysphoria in whatever way works for me, and to never let someone who doesn't even know me dictate who I should be to be valid as a man. I know who I am, and I always will.

Anyway, if you want to throw some spare change my way, it would greatly help me achieve my next transitional step (getting a hysto). I will link some payment options below, but even if not, interacting with my posts helps too.

https://ko-fi.com/nekromancy

https://venmo.com/krovav

https://cash.app/$Krovav

#transmasc #transgender #queer #gothic #hrt #ftm #witchy #menwithlonghair #Death Himself #not art

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creambunnie · 5 years

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For the best

you tapped your foot as you glared at your boyfriend, Haechan , who was laughing with your girl classmate . you , Haechan and your other classmate, Seungyeon, were assigned as a group for a class research. you were pissed. no not because your boyfriend was talking to another girl. no you were not that childish and petty. you were pissed because everytime you tried to suggest your ideas or opinions, Seungyeon would interrupt you , cutting you off completely. what you were really pissed about was that Haechan didn't even defend you. he smiled apologetically to you and listened intently to Seungyeon's words. you were also aware on how Seungyeon smirked here and there when she got your boyfriend's attention all to herself.

you honestly didn't care and could handle this well if it was a one time thing. the problem was, you had sat in the same cafe 3 times for the group discussion which went the same as today. you would always be cut off and you would be glaring at the both of them who were obviously flirting with each other more than discussing for the project.

you quickly stood and 'accidentally' slammed the table, startling the two flirts.

"i'm just gonna go to the ladies for a while,". you excused yourself. Haechan gave you a soft smile and nodded while Seungyeon rolled her eyes at you for interrupting her conversation with Haechan.

you went out of the cafe and decided to go to your bestfriend's place which was technically Haechan's house too.

your besfriend, Jeno, was Haechan's housemate. he was the one who introduced the two of you to each other. you've been ranting to him about Haechan's behaviour during discussion and told him about your insecurities. Jeno tried his best comforting you and you really appreciate his help.

Jeno opened the front door seconds after you knocked. "he messed up again?". you nodded to his question and entered the house. Jeno sighed and went to the kitchen. "drinks?". you shook your head as you placed your bag down. Jeno smiled softly and went to the sofa, sitting next to you. you scooted closer to Jeno and rested your head on his shoulder. you draped one of your arms on his stomach while Jeno wrapped an arm around you as he played with his phone . you felt the warmth that you've been craving for after your older brother passed away. Jeno was like an older brother to you and he protects you like how a brother does. your relationship was like a simple siblings relationship. there for one another though you guys always argue over petty things.

Jeno looked at your phone when he felt it vibrate a few times. he was about to ask you to pick up your phone but he noticed that you fell asleep. he quickly took your phone and answered the call before the vibrations wake you up.

"hey babe? where are you? why aren't you replying to my texts?". Jeno heard Haechan's voice from the other line.

"oh Haechan. yeah she's here. i guess she's just tired. yeah come back hurry, she is just taking a nap. alright, see you.". Jeno hung up and sighed. Jeno carressed your shoulders as you curled in closer to his chest. Jeno didn't want his bestfriend to get hurt. He didn't want his friend to be hurt too. he sighed for the nth time and hoped for the best.

once Haechan reached home, he stood still in front of his girlfriend who was literally cuddling his housemate. Jeno didn't seem bothered by his stare and woke you up calmly.

"hey wake up. Haechan is back.". Jeno said gently as he tapped your shoulder. Haechan smiled when he heard you groan as he found it cute. but his smile dropped and his fists curled when you buried your face into the crook of Jeno's neck and mumbled. "5 more mins". Jeno chuckled and pulled you off him gently as he stood up. Haechan was thankful for Jeno's actions or else he would have punched him in the face.

you opened your eyes slowly only to see your boyfriend staring at you. you wiped your eyes and was fully awake as if you haven't been sleeping for the past half an hour. your burning heart made it hard for you to think about sleep.

Jeno cleared his throat before excusing himself. "i'll be in my room if you guys need anything.".

Haechan nodded and sat beside you once Jeno was inside. "is everything okay?". Haechan asked softly. you rolled your eyes and stood up . you ignored him totally and went straight for the front door. Haechan quickly ran towards you and grabbed your wrist to stop you. "what is going on babe?!". you scoffed and turned to him. "what is going on? stop acting dumb Haechan! you know well what is wrong.". Haechan sighed and looked at you coldly. "is it because i talked to Seungyeon?". you pulled back you wrist and shook your head in disbelief.

"you know well that i don't mind you talking to other girls. i am not that petty and childish to get jealous over shitty things. heck, even your tablemate is a girl! did i get mad ? no!". you paused to take a breath.

"you. you didn't even defend me when Seungyeon bullied me! you listened to all her words--".

your words were cut by his. " i didn't want her to feel left out , that's all! i didn't want her to feel like a thirdwheel with us.". Haechan explained calmly as if what you said before didn't bother him. you closed your eyes and took a deep breath.

" really? didn't want her to feel left out but it's okay if i am put aside? it is okay that my opinions are not being listened? it is okay for a classmate to bully me like that?boys are really boys huh. you didn't even notice that she was giving me looks. you know what? Seungyeon is going to be so happy right now.". you paused to muster up all your courage. Haechan looked at you, confused with what you were going to say next.

"you're available starting this very second. go on and flirt with her all you want without having me as a burden.i'm breaking up with you Lee Donghyuk.".

Haechan knew he messed up bad when you stopped calling him by his nickname. Haechan shook his head and grabbed your shoulders. "no! i can fix this! i like you not her! please babe, please don't do this.". you pushed him away and wiped a tear that fell on your cheek.

"no. she is a bully. not to me only but to many more. and you. you're her accomplice. i don't associate myself with such people. people who took my brother away from me. i lost half of my heart already. i'm not losing my other half. not to someone like you. we are done Lee Donghyuck. now and forever.". it hurt you to say those things but you believed it was for your own good. you quickly ran out of the house, not giving Haechan a chance to say anything. Haechan was frozen from your words. He wanted to chase after you but his legs gave away. he was on the floor, clutching his chest while soft sobs echoed the living room. Jeno went out of his room softly and sighed when he saw his housemate. he quickly went beside him and patted his back to comfort his friend.

*it's for your best Haechan* Jeno thought as he felt like crying himself.

you didn't attend the next discussions. you decided to just do it on your own though it might affect your grade. you were more willing to act this way rather than hurt yourself and Haechan more.

"this is a very good research y/n. but I cannot give you higher than a C because rules are rules. this was supposed to be a group project hence one of the criterias is teamwork. i really love your project but i am very sorry.". your teacher said as she handed you your grade for the project. you smiled and thanked her. "it is okay Mrs Moon. it is what i deserve anyways. thank you.".

you went back to your seat and saw a glimpse of Haechan. he looked guilty when he heard the conversation between you an the teacher. he knew you've always worked hard in everything and try your best to get straight As. but because of him, your grade was affected. you ignored his stare and kept your graded assignment.

and that marks the end of your school semester as summer break has begun. you quickly packed your bag and ran to the school entrance as usual after your break up. you didn't want to bump into him. it's been about a month since then. he would text you and call you everyday since the break up but you of course ignored everything. you blocked his number and asked Jeno to tell Haechan not to bother you anymore. you wanted to heal. you wanted to move on. people might say that you're petty but you take your relationships seriously especially after the death of your brother. who commited suicide after his 'friends' stabbed him in the back. and especially because you never felt anything like when you were with Haechan before. Haechan has a very special space in your heart. till now. but you didn't want to ruin your precious memories with bitter ones. hence it was better for you to break up with him before more bitter memories were created, overflooding your precious ones.

you decided to apply for a job at a small cafe. a cafe owned by an elder couple. the cafe was small and didn't have a lot of customers but that was all you needed. peace. calmness.

you were serving your regulars when a new yet familiar face entered the cosy cafe. you held your head down and greeted the customer softly. you completed the regulars' orders before taking the next customer's order. "it's my first time coming here. my friend told me that the food here is good. but would you recommend me anything?". you nodded your head and pointed to the fudgy chocolate cake. you knew he loved chocolate so much. he always has a bag full of chocolates in his bag. he smiled and nodded. "i'll take that then and a cup of americano.". you keyed in his orders and quickly prepared them. he took his orders and went to a table nearest to the counter where he could see you work. you only sighed and pulled your cap down to cover your face while doing your work.

it was finally time to close the cafe. but he was still there. reading your shared favourite book. you took a deep breath and went up to him. "i'm sorry but we are closing the cafe now.". he looked up from the book and smiled. your breath hitched. the face that you have been missing and at the same time avoiding was looking straight at you right now. "can we talk a bit?". Haechan asked.

you knew this was coming. you knew you can't run from this forever. "sure,just let me clean some stuff up,".

the two of you were finally sitting opposite of each other, face to face. you looked at your fingers all the way. you didn't want to face him. not after hurting him. but you still believed he deserved it for hurting you too. you felt warm fingers wrapping themselves around yours. oh how you've missed his warm hands. "do you still like me?". he asked calmly. you kept quiet for a while before looking up to him with teary eyes.

"of course i still like you, Lee Donghyuck.". you replied.

Haechan smiled and squeezed your hand that he was holding. he was about to celebrate when you stopped him by pulling your hand away from him gently.

"but we are not meant to be with each other. i like you. i love you. but we can't be together. i want to thank you for all the precious memories that you've given to me. i would like to also apologise, for hurting you with my words. i was hurt too but this is the best for us. please, don't try and fix something that is already broken into pieces.".

Haechan gulped, restraining himself from crying. "i really messed up bad huh?". he said as he stood up quietly. "i wish the best for you. i hope you would find happiness someday.....

i love you.".

Haechan said before going straight to the door.

you watched his back walk without turning to look at you again.

*this is for the best. this for our best.* you thought as you wiped your neverending tears.

pics credits to the rightful owners💕

#nct #nct 127 #nct dream #haechan #donghyuck #lee donghyuck #nct imagines #nct scenarios #nct angst #nct haechan #haechan angst #kpop angst #kpop scenarios #kpop icons #kpop #kpopidol

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