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pridepages · 4 months

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Comfort and Joy

I finished Alison Cochrun's Kiss Her Once for Me. I have thoughts...

here there be spoilers!

I had this book queued up for months for the festive season! Fake dating shenanigans? Girl goes home with boy only to fall for his sister? Sign me up!

...but in the end, it took me a lot longer to figure out what I wanted to say about this book because it just wasn't as fun as I thought.

Don't get me wrong! I liked the book. I'll probably read it again next year for the season. But the holiday aspects turned out not to be as important. See, this book isn't 'festive' per se.

But it is comforting.

The novel centers on Ellie, a girl who grew up neglected. She finds herself in her early twenties in a new city--alone, unloved, and deeply insecure. On Christmas Eve, she unexpectedly meets a woman named Jack.

Ellie doesn't fall easily as a rule. It's understandable, considering her early attachment trauma. But it's easy to understand what draws her to Jack. "She looks like she should smell like pine trees and campfire, like the wild and untamed parts of the Pacific Northwest. Rainwater and damp soil and moss. But actually, she smells like bread. Like warmth. Like something that would fill you up."

Jack makes Ellie feel safe, comfortable in a way that she isn't basically 99.9% of the time.

Except when messy, unsafe reality intrudes on their magical snow day bubble and the two of them get separated.

Shenanigans abound when, a year later, Ellie gets roped into a fake dating scheme with Andrew. He needs a date for Christmas. She has nothing better to do. What could possibly go wrong?

Well...turns out his sister is Jack.

You can probably guess what follows: a series of increasingly ridiculous shenanigans, transparent pining, and a happily ever after for all set against a Christmas backdrop. And that's very fine! But I find the shading of the characters--particularly Ellie's emotional arc--more interesting.

Ellie is consistently motivated by comfort. At first, it's the security blanket of the money that Andrew is offering her for this little charade. But that's not why she ends up staying. What really draws Ellie into the act...is his family. She's never had one of her own. But these people open their homes and their hearts to her in a way she's never experienced before. So the comfort she seeks isn't financial. It becomes emotional.

But no matter how badly we want it, learning how to give and receive the gift of emotional comfort isn't something we're all prepared to do. No matter how badly she wants Jack, Ellie can't accept that "this is all so simple. Like all I have to do is let her love me.”

The holidays are known as the season of comfort and joy. But as simple and lovely as that sounds, it's not as simple for some of us. After all, in the wise words of Meemaw Prescott, "Some of us are born into families that deserve us and some of us have to spend our lives searching for them."

To those of us who don't feel comfortable where we are, and who don't know how to give the gift of ourselves yet...I get it. I just believe that it can be done. That there are people out there who will "make me feel so damn full. The cookie-cutter outline in my chest."

I think it is possible to trust the comfort. To give yourself away.

To find joy.

May this new year be the time to find it!

#kiss her once for me #alison cochrun #wlw #sapphic #lesbian #lgbt reads #queer lit #bisexual

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arthurmango · 5 years

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told u i'd write this >:)

i love it so much. i already love this kid. Arthur? Being a dad? Sign me the fuck up.

based off this post by @reddeaddenial ty for letting me write it!!

"Alright, kid," Arthur Morgan sighs, leading the 9-year-old with one hand and his horse with the other. He was muddy and tired, having saved this child from some of the locals after he had been caught stealing from the general store. Never did he anticipate beating a man over a loaf of bread.

"You get yourself in there and stay warm, alright? Make sure to wait for your Mama." The child is quiet. He gently removes his hand from Arthur's cautious grip and stands on the porch of the Valentine Sherriff's Office. His wavy blonde hair partly shielding his sad blue eyes.

Great. Now Arthur felt like an asshole. More than usual this time.

"You'll be alright, I promise." Arthur ensures as he climbs atop his saddle, adjusting his weight for comfort. "See you later, kid."

His ride back to the camp is quiet. He takes in the scenery; the birds chirping, the deer prancing about, the god-rays through the pinetrees. He was mentally locking this image in his mind for later, to draw when he was bored, or when he couldn't sleep, or both.

As he approached the camp, he spotted Bill, taking his shift for guard duty.

"Who's there?" Bill shouts.

"It's Arthur, dumbass."

"Welcome ba-....who's that you got behind you?"

Arthur freezes and doesn't dare turn. His first instinct is to reach for his sawed-off shotgun. He exchanged a glance with Bill, who was just as suprised...until-

"This your home, Mister? You live out in the woods?"

Goddammit.

"Kid-?! Didn't I-"

"Yeah, Mister, but it got real lonely and I didn't wanna wait!"

Arthur narrowed his eyes, then rolled them promptly as he slid off his saddle. He gave his horse a pat on it's rear in thanks, then turned his attention to the boy in front of him who fiddled with the sleeves of his shirt. He glances back at Bill who watches with a grin, enjoying every minute of this dilemma.

"Follow me." Arthur takes his horse's reins again, leading it to pasture with the others. Upon turning around, the boy had remained where he stood.

"C'mere, kid!"

The kid didn't respond.

Arthur put his hands on his hips, then sighs once again. He walks over, picking up the child with one arm. The kid is horizontal through his arm, holding him against his hip. "Abigail!"

"What is it-" Abigail pauses, looking at Arthur. "My," she smiles as the boy is put to his feet, huddling close to Arthur's legs shyly. Abigail bends to his level with a gentle smile, "what's your name, darlin'?"

His puppy-dog eyes look up to Arthur as if to ask permission to speak, then to Abigail. "James," he whispers.

"James?" Abigail reiterates. "That's a nice name. I'm Abigail, and this here is Jack," she gestures to her son, and he waves. "Where did you come from? Don't you have parents?"

James shakes his head, inching closer to Arthur.

Abigail stands, giving Arthur a look. She begins to speak, until Hosea greets the two.

"Well, what do we have here?" The huckster chuckles, kneeling to the boy. "Where'd you find him, Arthur?"

"He found me, more or less," Arthur grumbles. "He was caught takin' bread from the stands in the general store in Valentine. Some feller tried to give him a hard time, so I defended him and I thought I dropped him off at the Sheriff's Office. I guess he followed me here. Didn't even notice."

"Quiet thing he is, isn't he?" Hosea gives James a warm smile. "Have you eaten, son?"

"No sir," James replies meekly, "I haven't."

"Arthur, would you show him to Mr. Pearson for a nice supper? Mrs. Grimshaw-"

"I'm already working on it!" Susan replies hastily, adding an extra blanket to Arthur's tent.

"Hosea, I don't-"

"You can't just take him back, Arthur." Hosea replies quietly, "he followed you here, almost like a lost puppy, and like a puppy, he's gonna be your responsibility, lest the ladies get to him first. He's a handsome young man."

Arthur mumbles under his breath, knowing Hosea was right. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he left James alone. In a few ways, James reminded him of his own son, Issac. Maybe, he felt, maybe this could make things right. Maybe this could fill that aching, emptiness and loneliness he's felt for so long. The only downside is that he has another thing to worry about, another, innocent child to shield from the horrors of his life. It's almost, in a way, cruel to keep him around. He deserves better. He doesn't need this life, but what was Arthur to do? Parent the boy, he guesses. Not that he's much of a father in the first place.

Over the next few minutes, the gang meets and greets the new kid. He sits at the card table, eating sheepishly as everyone takes their turns asking him questions, not that he had many answers.

"Give the boy some space!" Dutch commands, tapping the ashes off of his cigar. "Arthur, may I speak with you for a moment? Just a moment."

"Sure," Arthur complies, "I'll be right back, okay?"

He follows Dutch to his tent, where Dutch promptly turns to him, taking a drag off his cigar. "You didn't kidnap nobody's son, didya?"

Arthur squints. "Wh-no! What kinda question is that, Dutch?"

Dutch chuckles, patting Arthur's shoulder, then wiping his hand on Arthur's jacket once he realized that his hand had touched mud, "just makin' sure." He begins to lead Arthur, walking with him. "You couldn't find his folks nowhere?"

"The boy was stealin' bread, Dutch. I think it's safe to say that he has no folks," Arthur replies, thumbing his belt.

"He reminds me a lot of you when you were a boy," Dutch smiles, "he was quiet like you were, too. That is until I broke you outta your shell. I think it'll be good for you take after Hosea and I and teach the boy what he needs to know to survive."

Arthur shrugs. "I was plannin' on it. I'm just worried that....I don't know....maybe I'm not cut out for this."

"Sure ya are!" Dutch turns to Arthur, halting their walk. "It'll be good for you to have somethin' to do other than draw in that journal all day."

Arthur shakes his head, and Dutch winks, putting his cigar back between his lips.

Arthur meets back with the boy, where Charles had taken his spot. Beside Charles was Javier and Sean.

"You sure this lad ain't yours, Arthur?" Sean laughs. "Looks a helluva lot like ya!"

Arthur doesn't bother, and sits down across from Charles beside James. He seemed a little more open. He assumed it was from Charles' calming demeanor....or Sean's hyperactive one.

"He's a smart kid, Arthur. Very headstrong." Charles adds in. "He says he wants to be a hunter when he grows up. You and I should take him hunting sometime to start him off."

"You ever hunted before, James?" Arthur asks, not sure how to level his voice to keep from starling the child.

"Once, with my Pa." James moves his spoon throughout his stew absentmindedly. "Pa left when Mama got sick, and one day she went to sleep and wouldn't wake up. After she went to heaven, I've been alone, kinda."

Arthur, Sean, Javier and Charles exchange glances, feeling a variation of that pain.

"Well, you've got all the Aunts and Uncles you could ever want!" Javier grins, "you've got food, a place to sleep, and all the protection you'll ever need."

"And maybe tomorrow mornin' I could take you to Saint Denis and get ya somethin' real nice to wear, to getcha outta those old clothes."

James finally begins to smile. It adds so much to his fair complexion. "Is it pretty, Saint Denis? Just like on the postcards?"

"Just like on the postcards! Maybe even prettier." Arthur smiles, too. A rare smile hardly shown to the world. It was genuine.

"You've got a real hardworkin' Pa now, lad!" Sean smirks as Arthur eyes him. "This man is as stubborn as a bull, but make no mistake, he'll getcha anything ye ask for as long as ya can get passed that rough outer layer a'his."

"I think he's really nice," James looks down to his food, then back up to Arthur. "Scary at first, but he saved me! So that makes him my Guardian Angel, just like Mama used to say."

Arthur felt a sort of relief. This responsibility was immense, but he couldn't help himself. He was already starting to get attached to the child.

"Why don't you go with Uncle Charles and meet everyone else, huh? I should probably get cleaned up. I'm still covered in mud." Arthur remains in his seat as James follows his new Uncles, sightseeing throughout the camp. Maybe this is his second chance to actually be a father. Sure, he was afraid. He was afraid for what was to come. He was afraid that he might not be the father he hopes he is. He sure as hell won't turn out like John, that's for sure.

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roslinadama-sinequanon · 7 years

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Major Crimes Re-Watch-The Deep End.

“Nicole wants to walk down the aisle with me and her step dad who she knows I can't stand so I'll just pay for the wedding which is all she wants from me and I'll look at the pictures later.”

It sounds like Andy is feeling a bit sorry for himself here, but though we don’t know the whole situation it doesn’t sound like Nicole has handled this very well. It’s understandable that she might want her father and her stepfather to walk her down the aisle, especially if her stepfather has been a part of her life since she was a kid. My cousin did that with her father and stepfather and I’m not going to say there weren’t a few hurt feelings, HOWEVER, she did not drop this bomb on her father’s head the day before the wedding. That’s where I took exception. We’ve been hearing about this wedding for several episodes. Andy was meeting with his ex about it when he fainted. He’s been on the phone discussing things a lot, so he has obviously been part of the planning. And he is the one footing the ridiculous $30,000 bill, so there has been plenty of time for Nicole to sit down and talk to him about this in person, rather than throwing it at him over the phone the day before the wedding.

Andy is an emotional person. He has a temper and tends to overreact at times and Nicole had to know that he would be hurt by this and that his hurt would manifest itself in anger. However, as stubborn as Andy can be, he does often come around after he has calmed down and had time to really process things. A mature, responsible person would have sat down with him weeks ago to talk through her reasoning for this decision thus giving him time to reconcile to the idea. If it wasn’t for Sharon and the case they were handling I’m not sure Andy could have worked through his feelings as quickly as he did.

The case-Two Latino boys break into a famous swim coaches’ home. In the beginning, the theory is robbery. One boy is shot and supposedly, one got away. The press is in a frenzy screaming, “race” because the shooter is white and rich and the boys are Latino. What starts out as a kind of typical robbery/murder, actually ended up being a very emotional case that drew me in as much as the personal stuff—which if you’ve been reading my synopsis is not usually the case.

“I agree. There is more to being a father than signing a check. It doesn’t matter because I'm not coming.”

“His daughter is getting married tomorrow and he's being an ass about it.”

“Andy, will you join me with the victim's parents.”

Andy has been stressed about this wedding for a while now. Although he’s been part of the planning I think he feels a bit like an outsider. Like he’s just being used to pay for the wedding—tolerated because of that but not particularly wanted. He is also not looking forward to being around Sandra’s family who hate him, which puts him in a really tough and uncomfortable position. This decision Nicole has made only exacerbates those feelings in him. I feel like, while Andy could have handled this better, so could Nicole.

Sharon has always seen her team as people first, not just colleagues and she is interested in what is going on in their lives and trying to help them. She does this here with Andy. Andy is upset and distracted and she reels him right back in by having him in the interview with her.

“Look, keep Raymond out of this, what are we doing here?”

The look Sharon gives Andy, one parent to another is very touching. Andy takes the cue and informs the parents that their son is dead. I noticed this time around that Sharon rests her hand on Mrs. Torres to emotionally support and comfort the woman. By having Andy join her in this interview she is showing him that he's lucky, his daughter is still alive and he still has a chance to make things right. Sharon is always so subtle with her little life lessons.

Sharon and Andy aren't in clothing sync yet, but, after the Jack episodes where we had very little Shandy interaction, they are working as a team again. This episode is chock full of Sharon/Andy teamwork and lots of little glances and non-verbal communication. To me this illustrates the difference between the antagonism of Sharon/Jack where they were never on the same page and Sharon/Andy who work seamlessly together, are always on the same page and are able to communicate without words.

"They started in with the questions and I answered them, you know, just trying to be honest. And then this morning they decided that Kris can no longer spend time with me outside of school.”

“Well, that's not really nice.”

“It's really not that big of a deal.”

Oh, Rusty honey you did not play that one right. Sharon is SO right on to him, and with the look she shares with Provenza, so is old Gramps. When Rusty is truly upset about something, he reacts like Andy, with anger. If he were truly upset he would be ranting and raving about how unfair it all is, but by just shrugging it off Sharon can tell that this was an outcome that actually pleases Rusty.

“A restroom, please.”

I was surprised that Provenza sent Amy off to console Mrs.Torres. You'd think it would be Sharon who would have gone since she too is a mother, but it looks like Sharon wanted another crack at Mr. Torres who had already broken down saying it was all his fault. Fathering seems to be an overriding theme in this episode, with Andy having several moments of fatherly feels. In this scene, Andy gives Mr. Torres a rather sad look through the glass, a father commiserating.

"Matty was a swimmer."

Finding out that Coach Frey was Matty's coach changes things. The case has gone from being a robbery to something more personal.

“Captain Raydor is in a meeting right now but maybe I can help you. My name is Lieutenant Provenza.”

LOL, Provenza is hitting on Kris's mother. Love the way the team is all watching him in action with amusement.

“It's a video he was making, Captain. He saved it as a work in progress.”

The team watching the video is extremely moving. I liked the way they had the camera constantly moving to get the reactions of the whole team and the sidelong glances they gave each other. The music, the sadness, the teary eyes and the look that Andy and Sharon share when they watch Rusty walk away all combined to make it a very moving scene.

“So let's protect him. Let's put out a press release saying the rumors of molestation are groundless.”

Sharon has Andy's interest here. He seems to be impressed by her sneakiness in using the press to draw out other kids who had been molested.

"Hey"

"Hey, I was just going to bed."

"Did you have dinner yet?"

As soon as Rusty hears the door opening to the condo he quickly scoots down the hall but doesn't make it to his bedroom before Sharon enters the condo. He is trying to avoid a conversation about Kris but Sharon isn't letting him off the hook.

“If you just want to be friends with Kris, you could tell her.”

“Oh come on, you're still married to a guy you haven't lived with in 20 years and you're giving me break up advice right now!”

Rusty expects Sharon to shout back at him, probably because Sharon Beck would have, but Sharon R. just stares at him with a slight quirk to her brow and that de-escalates Rusty right away. He apologizes, telling her he doesn't know why he says things like that; he just got mad because she was acting like he'd done something wrong. Deep inside Rusty knows what he did was wrong, he knew better than to listen to Jack and he's really angry with himself so he takes that out on Sharon. Sharon is Rusty's conscience.

“That kid Matteo, Matty, whatever his name is, he had a sad stack of cards in his lap. I mean 13 is really young for all that.”

“15 is really young too.”

There is obviously more that is bothering Rusty than the Kris situation. Seeing Matty’s video has brought out some emotions that he isn't sure how to process. Sharon let's him know here that he also shared that sad stack of cards and that he was just as molested at 15 as Matty was at 13.

Jack wasn’t around for long, but his presence lingers with the bad advice about Kris coming back to bite Rusty on the butt and now the comment about the sad stack of cards which seems like something Jack would say.

“I know there are things that you may not want to discuss with me but there are professionals—“

“No, no shrinks Sharon. Look, I’m not the one who needs a doctor, my mom needs a doctor, Philip Stroh needs a doctor, the men who came to me on the streets need a doctor. Okay? That kid Matty he needed one for sure. Look I know what I did and I know why I did it.”

Because he wasn't physically attacked or overpowered and because it was his decision to prostitute himself, Rusty has never believed that he is a victim. He thinks what he went through cannot be considered molestation or a crime because he initiated the contact. He likes to believe that he was in control of the situation and because of that, he doesn't feel like he should need any help. He doesn't want to be lumped in with people like his mother and Stroh and the guys that paid for an underage prostitute, he views those people as “sick” and admitting that he needs help would make him “sick” too. I think the struggle with his sexuality feeds into this as well. He later tells Sharon when he comes out to her, “I can’t fix this.” So he does feel like there is something wrong with him, which is why it’s great that Sharon finds Dr. Joe to help him.

“There is no pressure from me except to be kind and be safe.”

Sharon never puts pressure on Rusty, which is why he is able to come to conclusions on his own and doesn't run from her. She is a far different parent with Rusty than she is with her other children. When she is upset with Ricky’s behavior about her adoption of Rusty, she doesn’t beat around the bush and try to let him figure things out on his own. Nope, she lays it all out for him with anger, guilt and shame. She lets him know just how disappointed she is in him then TELLS him exactly how she expects him to behave. She can do this with Ricky because she raised him. He knows that she can be angry and disappointed in him and still love him and Sharon knows that she can yell at Ricky and he isn’t going to run away and disappear from her life. I give her a lot of credit for understanding the difference in the way she has to parent Rusty.

“We need you to understand that though your son’s story will be used as evidence in the trial we won't be able to charge Frey with Matty's murder.”

Sharon closes her eyes while Andy tells Mr. Torres this sad fact. It’s a hard pill for her to swallow. It’s hard for all them when someone is punished, but not for all their crimes. In the episode where Sharon was bringing Andy home from the hospital, she laments the fact that although they caught the perp and made a deal they were unable to prosecute him for rape as well.

"We'll get Frey in prison for the rest of his life, I promise."

Andy firmly grabs onto Mr. Torres shoulder, again father to father, in the same way that Sharon placed her hand on Mrs. Torres earlier in the episode, mother to mother. They are definitely in sync.

"And how does that help Matty? Where do I go to talk to him and say I'm sorry, I didn't know what you were going through?”

and

“Your son was a hero.”

“Matty was a hero and what was I? What was I?”

Andy looks down at the ground. You know he is thinking about Nicole. He has the chance to be the hero here, to make things right with her, and he's going to take it however difficult the day will be for him, because this is her day.

“My daughter’s wedding is, well, it's in three hours actually.”

“And you've decided to go.”

“Yeah, even though most of the people there hate me. Yeah, I uh, I think it's the right decision.”

“Could you use a buffer? Lt. Provenza has volunteered to take Rusty out for burgers and I like weddings.”

“Really? Are you sure? How would I introduce you?”

“How about as your friend Sharon.”

“So, it's not like a date or anything?”

Of course not Lieutenant. I'm a married woman.”

“Oh, well thank you, Captain...I mean, Sharon. I owe you one.”

The first time through, I never noticed the little look Provenza gives Andy as he heads to Sharon's office. Love the idea that two people who care about Andy concocted this little scheme. I do wonder if Provenza knew what this was going to lead into if he would have been so smiling and happy about it. I doubt he ever thought this wedding "date" would eventually blossom into a romance and ultimately a wedding. There was a time he was not happy about the relationship and was probably kicking himself for helping light the spark. That said, this would be a great anecdote as part of Provenza’s toast at Andy’s bachelor party or at the wedding, if we had a hope in hell of seeing either event. You just know that despite his initial disapproval of the relationship, now that Sharon and Andy are getting married he’d definitely want to take credit for getting them together.

One other thing before I close out--This scene makes it super hard when writing fanfic. I'd always felt that with Sharon having been separated for 20 years from Jack that there had to have been a couple men in her life—she was after all probably just entering her thirties when she and Jack separated and she’s a beautiful, healthy, vital woman. Mary McDonnell also said in her podcast that she thinks Sharon had seen other men between Jack and Andy. However, this comment Sharon makes in this scene about it not being a date because she's a married woman kind of contradicts this. There is no way I can believe that Sharon Raydor would be okay with sleeping with a guy but not okay with dating him. So this statement here makes all that so hard to reconcile. So, my head canon is that Sharon finds Andy very attractive and since he's become her right hand man they have become increasingly close. However, he is also her colleague so when he asks her if it's a date, she says of course it isn't because she's married as a way of trying to keep something of a barrier between them. Also, Andy is under enough stress with the wedding, he doesn’t need the added stress of possibly being on a date with his boss. By saying she is attending as his friend it takes the date pressure off both of them and they can just relax and have a good time.

The episode ends with Mr. Torres shooting Frey as justice for Matty and being led off to jail. I wonder what happened to him, if they were able to convict him of 1st degree murder or not? He did plan the murder, however, I have a hard time believing a jury would convict him for his actions giving the heinous crimes Frey committed against his son and so many other boys. I wish we had a little follow up.

#sharon raydor #andy flynn #shandy #Major Crimes

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