#I’m more sad at myself tbh

[kohakhearts]

theres a really. special kind of despair in the uncertainty brought about by moments of success and achievement. the inevitable “what now” of reaching your goals. and i kind of wish someone had warned me how hollow graduating university would feel, tbh

#taylor.txt #im miserable primarily for other reasons right now but i dont think i appreciated how much this just…wouldnt feel like anything #i think especially in my case as someone who so desperately needed ‘going away to college’ to get out of my childhood situation #and now for the past 5 years everything ive done has been for the purpose of getting my degree and finishing school #like im fine i guess i just kind of wish i could feel proud of myself or happy its over instead of like dreading the ceremony and feeling #like everything i have to do for grad is just one more thing i have to check off a list. getting my grad photos done felt nice but idk #it kind of feels like no one really cares which. idk why i would expect it to NOT feel that way. but yeah #tl;dr im around Kinda…need to finish stuff up but im over the really busy part of this all. kinda just coasting to the end here tbh #when this is over i’m gonna get to my request fics. prommy. wanted to do them over the long weekend but i was sick :( #anyway like to be clear im fine. people have been pointing out today i seem down and i think embarrassingly a collection of my students #noticed me crying on the bus today but thats life i guess you make do. im sad and thats ok. tbh

[lqnar]

All i want to do is eat and kill myself lmfao

#:) #im not suicidal just fkn sad and tired and sick of bulimic hell #well i am al ittle bit suicidal but not going to do anything about it. #and im so pissed off that i have no good blades at all bc im a baby nowadays and need sharp blades to do anything #and it’s such a hassle to get new ones every time????? #idk how i did it when i was in muddle school and high school tbh i used the same ones for a while i think #but i was also just a lot more hardcore w my sh back then and besides #most of the time it wasnt that deep. #idk i want to hurt myself #and my face feels awful because i have bped like?????? thrice?? this evening alone #and i’m so sick of myself #my face is swollen and my jaw hurts and my lymph nodes are fkn giganic #im sick of this i just want to rot and shrink until theres nothing left

[rosicheeks]

OMG! OMG! OMG!

I never thought I would see a video of you singing! You are so beautiful. Your voice is amazing! To see your cuteness while you sing is wonderful. Those cheeks! Your face is so expressive, and your shoulder roll was so fun. Those freckles! and that giggle at the end...(big sigh)...

The sound I made when I saw the ask about it was not as embarrassing as the sound I made when found that the video was still up. You have made me so happy with this. I know it's silly but I teared up listening to it because I had to close my eyes to stop from crying. This is so beautiful! You are so beautiful and it has nothing to do with how you look. Thank you Princess! Thank you!

#I know I’ve used this gif before #but this is literally me right now #I’m not OKAY #I’m a fucking mess right now actually #I’ve had a really bad day and to see all the positivity and kind words about my singing video is literally making my day #I’ve thought about making a TikTok specifically for singing videos and now I’m feeling a little more confidence about it 🥺 #still don’t know if I’ll ever do it #but it just sounds fun #I have a few duets that i sing by myself and I thought it would be fun to do both parts somehow #either do some sort of edit #or like different makeup on either side of my face and turn to the camera whatever character I’m singing (if that makes sense) #ok getting distracted #back to one of the sweetest asks I’ve ever received #same with the other ask from my dear 🌸 I’m going to keep this ask near and dear to my heart #this means more to me than I can ever express #like I’m going to screenshot both of these asks and save them for a sad day and when I need a pick me up #I said before but I’ll say it again voice compliments are one of my favorites #I’m speechless and I don’t know what to say anymore tbh #you are way way WAY to kind to me 😭 I don’t deserve all these lovely words #thank you so much for this ask and being such a sweetie #can’t imagine anyone tearing up over me singing popular tbh 🥺😭 #that’s just so sweet #maybe I’ll have to sing one of my super sad ballads and see if I can make you sob #some of the songs I sing to myself hit my heart really deeply so I sometimes cry while singing them #also ‘you are so beautiful and it has nothing to do with the way you look’ hold on I need a fucking minute #I’m sobbing again #thank you so so so so so much #idk how much longer I’ll keep the video up cause face but go enjoy it while it’s there 😇 #fav asks #sweet asks

[itspileofgoodthings]

the thing is—-it doesn’t feel impossible. It feels increasingly plausible.

#meeting someone I mean #meeting my husband #part of me knows he’s out there #and that I’ll meet him when it’s right #God’s plan! #i can almost feel it though. not in terms of specifics or getting overly attached to some imaginary version #but I know and believe and trust that it could happen #(a confusingly worded sentence) #like underneath all the insecurities and sadness and worry of being 26 almost 27 #i know I am a lot of a woman (positive) #i know I am interesting and layered and complex and funny #and it’s just most men won’t want that #but it feels very likely that one WILL #that there is someone out there who will be delighted by my intensity and inability to shut up about myself #and impressed by my brain and protective of my heart #and in need of me and my love #the older I get the more likely it feels tbh #like. it’s a mark of reality #of course I don’t know the future and can’t predict it #it’s all in God’s hands and I am glad about that but I guess what I’m saying is that I trust that intuition and I see no reason to not #cynicism about romance is of course tempting but it’s also very stupid #and fundamentally contrary to how reality and love both work #the more specific I am. the more I live my life with my whole heart and try to do my best #my many failings and meltdowns aside #the closer I know I am to finding what is meant for me #which. i guess could NOT be a husband. but I feel like it is #it’s fine either way! because God knows what I need #but yeah #anyway I am glad replies are turned off #my musings about my (not real) romantic journeys always prompts a lot of discussion

[redrattlers]

.

#more thoughts to air out #someone recently told me that growing up is just a constant cycle of grieving different chapters of your life #the last two weeks were heavy with accepting that reality and trying to give myself the grace to feel it all #and it really hit me that i was feeling this much about this #kinda got fascinated by it tbh #it’s this whole thing cause i knew it had an expiration date #knew it was coming but it still fucking hurts i’ll never get any of that back #yeah i guess i’m trying to say i’m working on accepting that it sucks and i’m allowed to be sad and upset #i’m allowed to be pessimistic for once #sometimes life sucks man #like this is just the nature of life #i can’t stay here forever even if that’s all i wanna do #lmao alexa play baby blue by luke hemmings #that wasn’t intentional istg #i think it’s funny how i’m making a big deal out of feeling like this #okay cause like literally all my life there’s always been something next that was big and fun and exciting #and now there’s no next step that makes sense #not quite yet #and i feel like a baby feeling sad about it #isn’t funny how you invalidate your own feelings sometimes #anyways!!!! now i’m on repeat and i will start to cry again #maybe wfttwtaf was not a good idea tonight #🫡🫡

[genderfreakxx]

If people could stop using the term “transmasc” as synonymous with “trans man” that would be fucking phenomenal.

#I’m transitioning because I want to have more masculine traits just by default #but I don’t consider myself a binary trans man. the binary makes no fucking sense to me. fuck the binary #this is I think why I feel so sad when people get angry at ‘transmascs’ for relating to and having gender envy over Gerard way #because I absolutely have gender envy over Gerard- but it has fuck all to do with ‘being a man’ #Gerard isn’t binary. they don’t like labels but they’ve expressed admiration for they/them pronouns and said ‘I’ve always liked he/they’ #and they do a hell of a lot of relating to she/her pronouns and girls in their music #no fucken part of me is envious of Gerard in a Man Way™ #because neither of us are binary Masc-y McMascerson men #I admire g for their entire vibe in every way they’ve presented it to us #just because I’m transmasc doesn’t mean I only admire men. I’m nonbinary #I admire queer people in every form. I’m hesitant to call g queer because idk how they feel about it #but you get what I mean #if Gerard came out as a trans woman tomorrow I would still have gender envy for them. I have gender envy over cis women sometimes ffs #I love them (parasocially yada yada) however they identify. I love them even more because they hate fucken labels. ME TOO #I just love the way they put themselves out there. #I’ve just seen a lot of folks hating on transmascs for relating to Gerard and I think it’s a misunderstanding tbh #it’s all pure love and admiration and inspiration #I can’t speak for everyone but I would never want to push a label on G when they clearly fucken hate it. #that being said; I think the way they express themselves and the art they create is inspiring as hell!! #for me gender envy goes deeper than just surface level aesthetic sometimes #wow this has been a rant. and idk if I’ve even gotten my point across actually #oh well! #gender #blithering on

[callilouv]

guess what kind of thoughts r back🌝

#cw rant #ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ idle chit chat #sometimes I rlly do struggle to see the good in me sobs #LIKE . IDK ITS JUST SO HARD FOR ME??? #and then I start calling myself numerous negative things and then depression happens and I sob and cry #yeah . i really don’t know what’s nice abt me tbh #i just genuinely feel like the only thing that’s ok about me is my art #I’m not even that sad abt it tbh I’m just confused as fuck bc . i really don’t fucking know my other good traits if I even have any #<- I lied I am actually sad abt it but I’m more confused than sad HELSBDI

[laomelettedufromage]

Oh boy guess who has to make decisions about their short term future soon😳

#my boss offered extending my position to as long as next spring #100% will have to talk to her about what I would be doing if I stayed before I decide but oh boy #oh boy oh boy #I’ll probably say yes tbh?? probably?? #like I do consider myself more of an ecology person and this lab is more evolution based #but I seem to get along with the people in the lab and they pay me really well for a tech position #I’m going to assume I’d probably be doing a bit of lab work which for resume purposes could be really good #i have like zero practical lab experience #even though I think I’d miss field work a lot #and since I’ve never done lab work before I’m not sure how much I’ll like it but won’t know until I try?? #this traveling portion of the job has been hard but not terrible #and most of the hardness has stemmed A LOT from missing friends #which if I stay I probably won’t be back in my home state for… awhile #which I was legitmately really really looking forward to visiting one of my friends at their temp job #and so I’ll be pretty sad tbh to not get to do that #but also I know that’s not something that should affect my job security making decision🤪 #but I’ll definitely be sad nonetheless so🤪 #and I was making plans to like visit my roommates at their new places and everything but🤷‍♀️ it is what it is #god early adulthood sucks sometimes doesn’t it #there’s also the whole ‘I don’t know if I want to stay in research or wildlife work’ thing too #like I love field work… in increments #i think full time field work is really fucking hard and exhausting #but I do legitmately enjoy it and the experiences it’s granted me #even if it’s also super repetitive and boring at times #and I’ve been told I’m scientifically minded by my friends #but I don’t see myself long time pursuing research… #and of course there’s other wildlife jobs out there that don’t completely focus on research but… it’s hard #my tentative back up plan is scientific illustration but I’m not even really sure about that😔 #ugh anyways I don’t need to be thinking that far ahead yet I have time🙃 it just… ugh #by yours truly the omelette of cheese

[pussy-ache]

kinda wondering if i exaggerate the issue in my own mind

#then again. i cried cuz he told me his boyfriend bought him antacid #it was just such a sweet tiny intimate thing that i immediately started crying even though it’s so fucking stupid i could scream #i will literally never be able to meet his boyfriend literally ever. or anyone he ends up with. for the rest of his life. #i’ll never be able to look any of them in the eye as i lie through my teeth #sometimes i cry just thinking about that and how sad that is #how he deserves better than that #i cried for days after each art exhibit #i cried AT the exhibits. i walked away from him and cried #including the one when we were teenagers #i stand next to him and my body feels like it’s splitting apart at the seams from the effort of biting my tongue #i have gotten better cuz i used to cry significantly more when we were younger #i’d cry pretty much every time i was near him #which i guess still happens but i see him less so it’s not as common as it was #i can’t say i’m making it harder on myself on purpose. it is what it is. it’s always been this way #i always knew it would only get harder when we got older but still #it’s crazy because it’s so easy. like breathing. and i think that’s where the conflict arises #to fight against it is necessary but it’s not easy. it never has been tbh. #it’s like i’m holding my breath and pushing it as far down as i can when i should be naturally breathing. i keep choking on it. #it just always feel so inappropriate because i can’t control it i never know what to do or where to turn #it just makes me feel like a really bad friend

[mostlykind]

flicking through my journal which I started when I was 18 and it’s so interesting seeing how much I’ve grown and changed… but at the same time clearly still carrying those same feelings of (romantic) loneliness and comparison into adulthood

#it’s like. I’ve changed so much from that slightly sad and overly anxious teenager #and there’s worries and issues that I don’t even think about now #yet I still carry a lot of things I’d have hoped to have moved on by now #she’s still me and I’m still her at the end of the day #the yearning for love and comparing yourself to strangers and friends doesn’t seem to be an easy thing to shake off #romantic love makes sense tbh . that’s a normal thing to want and it’s not gonna go away bc I never got it !!! #but comparison :/ I need to stoppppp I need to move on I need to love myself a little more and completely ignore everyone else #rahma’s rambles

[lenaluthoring]

well the back up can’t even be my back up anymore

#$110 wasted for real should’ve just bought something for myself instead of spending it on an application for a school #also super funny is that i don’t even want to go there but like $110 is a lot of money … #idek how to feel tbh like im not sad but im not happy ? i’m like soooo neutral about it #my actual school better give me everything and more #📜

[goldeunoias]

Tw:internalized racism? I guess?

#sorry I’m not answering asks right now Daisy is just. laying in bed feeling the sad sjsjsjsjsjsj #having self respect is easy. it’s having self love that’s the hard part. #my friends are gorgeous and pretty and so smart and amazing but it’s. #I can’t talk to them about how frustrating it is to be I guess the non-ideal poc? #they’re either white with straight noses and colored eyes or Asian and are able to hang out with and relate to other Asians #for me I don’t. have that Sjsjsjs I’m #a Lightskin or whatever but I don’t fit any of the black niches nor am I accepted by them bc I am nawt black enough for their ideals etc #so it just. leaves me feeling isolated #I went to a predominantly white school and university and it’s hard explaining to a group of white people the type of agony of not ever #really being the ideal race if that makes sense? #like if I like a guy I have to worry about oh well does he find black girls attractive would he be willing to date outside his race #bc for the record black guys do not. treat me nicely and berate me for not idk being their Rihanna baddie so I just have been so turned off #from them I don’t think I could ever date a black guy tbh #it gets even more nerve wracking when you’re a 21 year old virgin and your mom is just shoving black guys down your throat to date sjsjsjsj #but even if they say oh you’re pretty you’re gorgeous Daisy etc I just. can’t believe them bc they will always be the first choice. I won’t #and that just. it destroys me and eats away at me bc being different only works when you fit in #*sigh* I have no black people to talk about this to bc my sister is thicker skinned than I am I guess and my mom would just say just date #a black guy or get black friends when ✨they don’t even desire me✨ #so I rant to my little tumblr blog and hope these feelings pass even tho I’ve been feeling this for about two months now #I cried during my graduation bc I couldn’t feel proud of myself and felt so demoralized. I graduated with a degree in biomedical sciences #and never had I felt more worthless #but sigh sorry lovies for posting this I just. aksksk I’m crying now argh but yah #Daisy is sad but hopefully I will answer asks tomorrow I see them #all and yall are so sweet 💕

[imsaaaaaad]

no one has time for me anymore

#a sad feeling more than anything else. #I need to get over myself #I’m pathetic garbage tbh #of course no one has time or energy or space for me #I’m literally pathetic and a piece of shit #hahahaha #personal #I wish I could disappear #I hate myself so much for needing other people L O L

[schisms]

☹️💔

#my vacation had to come to an end early…… #one of my family members had to go in for emergency surgery yesterday morning #their intestines were twisted… #and this particular family member has two kids. a toddler and one in elementary school #they have a partner but their partner has to work. #and our other family members who could perhaps support ALSO have work #so myself and liam… we’re really the only ones #so we’re driving back… and i didn’t get to prep for the drive much so i almost got carsick earlier :((((( #i’m so SAD i was so looking forward to doing more stuff in utah…. #cries and sobs my eyes out #i know i probably sound selfish #tbh i. packed up without a second thought. i know i need to be home and with my family. i WANT to be genuinely #and my family member made it safely through the surgery which is. amazing #i was so worried about them yesterday. crying and just. wishing i could see them #but now that we’re actually driving back and it’s actually happening i’m just feeling #super bummed…. on top of the OCD anxiety + stress about what my family member is going through #sigh. the next few weeks are gonna be tough