#I was really anxious and couldnt sleep so i had no choice but to draw hoobies n koobies | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thyrideneverends · 4 years

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(2017)

Escritos que encontre del año 2017 . Y conversaciones conmigo desde el año 2020 ([]).

____________________________ AAAHGH IM SO FUCKING SAD. I cant help but feel that im rotting. I dont want pity; people helping; people empathizing. FUCK YOU. I can do better than you. I DO. In fact. I havent been blinded, and hate everything around me as an excuse for giving my life away for what it was supposed to be. [this could be missunderstod since i was clearly angry 4 something i dont recall, I was refering to people in general, how they put themselves above the others, how they always wanna get "there" first, how they talk trash about their relationships, the anger, the hate that breeds out of them when they are wronged(even if there`s no purpose or whatsoever to cause them, specifically, any troubles), the screaming, the violence, that kind of hate..]

I dont want to just 'be happy' because I have to; so I reject happiness. But I want to feel it like something real and not made up.. does that makes sense? Thats a paradox i cant escape lately. [thats deep man, fortunately we figured that out. Have we figured that out? Happiness now is closed for manteinance ^-^ ]

I cant find pleasure in anything.. I destroyed everything..[you had to start somewhere, right?] I cant find meaning in anything.

I just need someone, i just need not to be alone. But I am; Even surrounded by everyone. I know I am. I know you are too.. I hope you are strong enough to endure it.

[hablabas de otro tipo de soledad, lo se, pero vos todavia no lo sabias, o si?]

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Sometimes I feel like I forgot an important part of being alive. I remember a different version of myself from a few years back. I feel like I'm just existing; nothing pushes my happy button. And when I'm not strong enough to think that it's fine; that I don't need that.. I will just panic questioning myself why, the reason for me not belonging. I know it's fine; I know I can just spend the rest of my..50years left? just doing this; living this eternal circling hell. You might say it's a choice.. That I don't put that much effort into it. That I'm just playing this part. Complaining my ass off. And to that.. I can only say I'm sorry.. I'm doing the best I can. [I know you were.. truly; and u did a great job never letting me down] _________________________________________

Why are we even here right.. What powers you? You wake up, work or study, ingest food, sleep. Repeat. To finish your career and become something.. To earn enough money to become someone.. Be better in what you're doing or you'll be out. You'll be useless. You'll be garbage. We[the system] won't need you.. And then we have to be happy about it.. We have to function collectively happy and there's no room for the outcasts.. And IM to blame for it.. I could be happy like all of them.. But I'm just sitting my ass here thinking what else I can sabotage, in order to understand why it's unnecessary and wish to be also capable of that... Just capable maybe of.. not be weird; not be me.. And sometimes thats all that matters. That Im me.. And I love not being a part of them. I just can never get a hold of that moment and make it last.. I will feel alone just a moment after. [Im so glad we worked our loneliness, I mean, we have such fine moments in silence..]

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Aah... I was just given advice by a hot girl on tinder about how should I type, express and resume myself so the person on the other side of the screen won't stop replying thinking I'm an idiot.. She basically said :- "hey, you're an idiot but maybe a cute one. Here's human help. Just stop being you and people will like you" Y'know what? that's bullshit... It makes me so anxious that it happens all the time. There's always someone judgin. Not only online; real life is the worst. I just don't fit in here I guess. I'll keep talking with the tinder girl, maybe and get emptynessly laid, why not? But I think I hate this.. I hate that everything craves for a definition and people just won't LOOK; Im hidden among them... God how I wish to know who's there ravaging their brains with questions while walking in that empty crowd. I wish I could find you and ask just what you were thinking there. At that unique moment. You are not alone... But if you feel like I do; I wonder if you also wonder. I wonder if we're just very far away from each other.. I wonder if it`s true that there can only be one of us by this cosmic rule that goes: only one 'you/me' for every thousand people. Or.. maybe it's just me. Too old to be an idiot... Too idiot to fully be himself around smart well adjusted people. I guess it's a matter of perspective. isn't it pretty much all? Have a good night stranger.. [Not so stranger.. my dude.. U didn't get laid btw, you couldn't pull through with that. And then you promised you wouldn't lie about who you are.. You wouldn't ever play another role other than the one you are. Well, it was more like a statement than a promise, to yourself. I was there.. Best decision you ever made. You mutated loneliness into a condition, a simple symptom of your choice of living; instead of a disease on itself.. Very clever.]

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You don't have to read but if you wanna unload please write it down. Everything u hate.. or love; This I wrote on my personal account but it makes me anxious to open myself to judgy people, so I erased it.. We live to judge because we love fixing things that didn't go right with us. Never understanding each perspective is unique. Well Im gonna paste it here because I don't want to lose it.. I don't want something I really meant to be just a deleted thing..(even if it is)

Have u ever felt like you're unique or different? But then just analyzing, we all just walk towards and objective. We don't do things just because. You don't get up every day to just go to work.. to just have breakfast or go shopping, idk; people set goals. We follow patterns. We repeat the same exact thing to strangers of the streets. The same exact things other strangers reply to us.. We are the same NPCs to others. And then realizing this I just wanna scream PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS. Please look at me! I don't want this. I don't want to be aware of this.. I don't want to feel I'm just to you what you guess I am. What's the point of everything? How do I get to know who I am if I'm always this self-centered stupid attempt of somebody? Nobody wants that. Sometimes I am glad to be "awake". To be different from the other people in their bubbles... But most of the time I'd give EVERYTHING to be exactly like that. Because I feel lonely. Because I have so many friends, but we can't communicate. Because I've lost the ideal of love because at a certain point I was scared of being a problem and it hurts so fucking much. I don't think I am special.. or more intelligent or cultural, I just feel I have a different degree of "profoundness" than most other people. It's not something I talk about or show, most of the time i pretend to fit in, but I don't. I can fool myself for periods, I've fooled myself for so many years now, but in the end it always comes back, I can't hide it forever. it hurts so much. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse and I feel like a fucking show-off that just wants attention..

[I felt that.. dude. You write beautifully..]

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Hi person reading this. Be nice, life is full of shitty people. Make a tiny difference; someday we're all gonna die so its cool. Dont hold grudges ^^ . [^^]

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We are all just internet jesters shitposting to fill the void Even if you're just taking selfies and being beautiful while loving life, smiling to nothing and eating healthy shit while showing off the new place you just visited to a bunch of strangers that doesn't give a fuck about you .. (actually those are the worsts) yeah.. (Don't get me wrong I'm not saying it's bad. I do that too ! we like showing ourselves to others..) Screaming... I exist. Notice me sempai. We just are ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

________________________________________________ *draw of myself* [couldnt find it anywhere, where did u put it D: . i remember the sad expression] I know It has a lot of imperfections but so do I. I guess this is how I see myself.. Maybe I just wanted it to be like that. To express something to myself. I still feel like a little kid sometimes even tho I'm 25; "I just can't play with the other kids because I feel different and they make me feel different." Now I can't play with the adults, they're too adults. They make me feel too adult; i need to act up every move to become like them. And then alone, I can be at peace being who I wanna be; But it gets lonely from time to time; Not being able to understand who are you really; where are you really above the necessity of impersonating this other dude to get laid, get the job, get the money. And for what?.. Just to keep doing it because there is really no other choice.. How sad. But anyway. Ever tried to draw yourself? To see what's the image of you that you hold in your head.. if u truly do it; it doesn't matter if you know or not how to proyect yourself.. Every trace you make on that paper is a creation this world has never seen.. your chance to make a difference; it doesn't have to be trendy or impact in mankind. I suppose that's what I call art. And that's why art is everywhere.. Everything that can never be repeated.. Anything that comes from you; or life itself. A random amount of dirt.. Sunlight getting through the leaves of a tree.. Pieces of a broken cup and the stain of coffee in the carpet.. I'm not an artist myself tho; never considered myself even close to one.. I haven't drawn in years.. This is my first one in a long time; I just felt like it.

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yamababy · 7 years

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Sketch

Tadashi traced the tiny notes as they slowly appeared on his forearm. The raised red ridges of the musical notes meant nothing to him; he genuinely had no idea what they meant. At 8 years old, learning the complicated symbols of sound had never interested him. Until recently. As of late, the small notes had been appearing on and off every few days. Which meant his soulmate had finally started writing. Tadashi had been drawing to them for as long as he could remember. Flowers, dogs, pictures of people he knew... Anything he could think of to let them know, he was here! An only child who lived with his grandparents, Tadashi had been waiting to meet his soul mate for so long he thought he would burst if it went on any longer. the notes receded slowly as he watched. Rolling over in his bed, and wrapping his blankets closer around him, he wondered what it sounded like. The music of his soul mate. Whether the person was happy or sad; what instrument they played and how old they were; whether they thought about him sometimes too, and enjoyed his pictures. ***** Kei's long fingers, stretched and limber already from 4 years of piano, danced along his ivory keys. The old upright was his most prized possession and the closest to a friend he felt he had. It allowed him to vent and scream and pound into its keys without complaint, and didnt try to comfort or advise him if it wasnt enough to play till his fingers blistered. Kei was a 'difficult' child. An antagonist at his worst. Truthfully, Kei was an anxious child. So anxious his fear radiated into angry energy and vitriol. This, he knew, was not the way to make friends... But, everytime he opened his mouth to a stranger, irregardless of age; out spat bile. He was too young to hate himself the way he did. His comfort came from his skin. The tiny artwork that tattooed him silently and painlessly everyday for most of his life. Beautiful, intricate linework. The fading broke his heart, he wished it would stay forever. He'd never felt talented enough to reply. Even his stick men were wonky. Until he'd realised his talent was under his nose all along. He'd begun to write short melodies on his forearms. His favourites songs, things he's written. Things to show his soul mate who he was. Being 8 years old however, not realising not everyone knew music, it never occured to him that his soul mate didn't understand any of it, no matter how sweet the intent. *****

"Tsukki! Tsukki, wait up!" Tadashi ran after Kei as fast as his tiny legs could carry him, although he was certain his overly tall bestfriend couldn't hear him through his large white headphones. Tadashi reached Kei and gently wrapped his tiny hands around his larger friends wrist. The way Kei flinched at this silent greeting destroyed Tadashi's gentle heart. Kei turned towards Tadashi slowly and removed his headphones with a sigh, as if resigned to whatever was to come next. They locked eyes. "Oh, it's just you, Yamaguchi. Why didn't you shout me?" Kei sneered. "Sorry, Tsukki!" Tadashi beamed, dragging his friend towards the park. "I'm not pushing you on the swings this time..." Kei huffed. "Sure you're not, Tsukki!" Tadashi giggled gently, still manhandling his larger friend through the park gates. Kei smiled softly to himself as Tadashi ran, full pelt, at the slide. 'OK, so maybe I will....' he thought. ***** Tadashi pushed through the door of the Tsukishima household, his arms laden with his belongings and snacks for the night, spirits high for the sleepover that night, announcing his presence and removing his shoes with his toes, he traipsed in without being welcomed. He was always welcome here, it was his haven, his safe space. His favourite place in the world. He breathed in the scent. Vanilla and sweet fruit. It smelled like Tsukki here. Or Tsukki smelt like the house... Either way it was wonderful. He heard distant piano from the dining room; which meant Tsukki was definitely here. Whatever it was he was playing, it was wonderful, soft and bittersweet, flowing like water over him as he took his time making his way down the hall. He'd hate to disturn Tsukki while he was playing. He always looked so calm and content while his fingers danced over keys reading notes Tadashi still couldn't read. He'd thought many times about asking Tsukki to teach him piano, or at least to read the sheet music, but the idea of being even more of a burden was too much for him to cope with. As he approached the slightly ajar door, the velvety music came to a close. Then his left arm tingled the way it does when your soulmate sends you a message. There they were again. The beautifully drawn and prepared notes. He'd die to hear them. He peeked through the door jamb. Tsukki was writing in blue ink on his forearm. He was writing music notes. On his left forearm. NO. NOT TSUKKI. NOT A BOY. Tadashi's chest constricted. He was certain he was going to suffocate right there in the hallway, surrounded by video games and chocolate bars aged 13 years old. This was awful. He couldn't tell him. Never. They're friendship was everything to him. Maybe they were platonic soulmates? That could be a thing right? HE'D never met platonic soulmates before, or heard of them but they MUST be a thing....? Oh god no. "Yamaguchi? Why are you skulking around in my hallway?" Kei had heard the clatter of Tadashi's things hitting the floor. Tadashi's head whipped around so fast he felt his neck crack. "Sorry, Tsukki! I dropped some things..." Tadashi could feel his face burning, how humiliating. Kei clicked his tongue and bent down to retrieve the items that littered his floor. Tadashi could only stare. Tsukki was actually really attractive, in a tall, lanky, snarkier-than-thou, kind of way. Tadashi had always admired Kei's personality. that was no secret. Kei golden orbs suddenly invaded his private reverie. Since his recent growth spurt, Tadashi no longer stood quite so far below Kei's shoulder. His forehead could comfortably brush Kei's chin. But when Kei tilted his head forward, and all but glared into his freckled visage, Tadashi suddenly felt very, very small all over again. His breathe caught in his throat and his heart hammered a racy rhythm against his chest. "Are you ok, Dashi?" Kei asked, barely a whisper. 'DASHI. Oh god.' Tadashi all but shivered at the childhood nickname. it was his weakness. Tsukki only used it when they were alone; and even then it was sparing. "I'm fine, Tsukki." His voice sounded disconnected from his body. He was honestly just glad of how secure it sounded compared to the internal mess he was caging. "Well... Ok then. If you're fine you won't mind me handing you your ass in mario kart then, will you?" A rare smiled ghosted across Kei's surprisingly plump lips and he pushed off the wall behind Tadashi's head, grabbing bits and pieces from the floor as he passed them, headed to his room. Tadashi gathered the rest of his things together in a daze before following.

In the bathroom, later that night, Tadashi took his favourite marker in with him and, under the guise of a shower, he drew more than ever before. Every inch he could reach was covered in the things he loved. French fries from his favourite fast food place, a couple tiny dogs chasing after a ball, flowers and beautifully decorated cakes like the ones in his grandparents bakery that Tsukki loved so much, he even drew a few books upon a shelf; their tiny titles too small to read. He drew till his hand ached, his way of thanking Kei for the music. Knowing who write the miniscule notations suddenly made them so much more important. Tadashi knew what music really meant to Kei. It was his life the way art was Tadashi's home. He suddenly understood the time and effort Kei would have spent making sure that every note was perfect, every song choice immaculate. His taste had always been impeccable. And that was the shame of it. Kei had always had such high standards. Tadashi may pass the friendship test, but with his freckled mess of chubby cheeks and unruly hair, he was far from a catch. His one redeeming feature were his olive eyes. Even he liked them, but that didnt mean Kei would. He knew that as soul mates they were destined to fall in love. Or were already in love, or something. He didn't really understand the whole thing. Tadashi stripped the last of his clothes and stepped under the shower head, scrubbing at the remnants of his love, removing any trace that might let Kei in on his secret. A secret he intended to keep. He could love him from where he was, and that was fine.

Kei stared in awe at his arms, legs, stomach and chest. His body tingled everywhere, the miniature art gallery that was his skin alive with his soul mates creations. Kei didn't know who they were, but their skin sketches had kept him alive some nights. When he'd been lonely as a child, they'd been there so send him some joy. A smile, an unexpected laugh, it didn't matter where they really where to Kei, they'd been there to HIM. He couldn't care less who they were either, as long as they drew for him everyday, anything. He lived only for the day he could see more than sketches that faded in minutes. He wanted something permanent, something he could hold on to. God he hoped they felt the same. ***** Tadashi woke up alone to the sound of music. Typical. Even on a Sunday Kei couldn't sleep past 7. Tadashi hauled ass out of bed and slipped on a jumper. Kei house was always so cold in the morning. He glared, bleary eyed, at the bedside clock. 7:18am. Of course it was. He stole some socks from Kei's drawer and dragged them onto his frozen feet, then made his way down the stairs to the diningroom. Things had been oddly awkward between them last night. Tadashi couldnt keep calm and Kei had been even more quiet than usual. Tadashi still couldnt resist spying on Kei playing piano though. It was a guilty pleasure of his. Watching Kei lithe fingers glide over every key in a way Tadashi knew was NOT effortless style. Memorizing the lines of Kei's face as he near grimaced into his sheet music like it owed him a favour. Tadashi had been watching for longer than he could really remember. How could he not have known before yesterday how he felt? "Tsukki?" Tadashi spoke before he really realised it was happening. "Hmmm..." Kei continued to play as he answered, his concentration clearly somewhere else. Tadashi crept across the room and slide into the space beside Kei on the stool. "Will you teach me piano?" He asked, hesitant. Kei's hand still and the room dropped into silence for the smallest of moments before he laughed. "Finally. Honestly, Yamaguchi, how anyone can go so long without learning an instrument is beyond me." Kei almost smiled as he shuffled his music. "Is now ok?" Tadashi beamed. "Sure. Not like there's anything better to do on a Sunday?" ***** Tadashi rans his eyes down his sheet music. The notes ringing in his mind as the bus jostled down the bumpy street. His pen tapped a steady rhythm against his knee and he counted pace. He was sure something was off about the beat but he couldn't pinpoint it. "Its in 4/8; not 4/4." Kei whispered into Tadashi's ear. Tadashi glanced back at the sheet and read it in the new rhythm. Kei was right. He sighed and shoved it back in his bag, he could work on it later, if he let Kei anywhere near it he'd 'fix' it. He pulled out his sketch pad and very deliberately turned so that Tsukki wouldn't be able to see what he was doing. Tadashi had very recently become addicted to watercolour pencils; he liked the way he could work on something and then adjust the colours together later. He'd also become obsessed with painting other peoples portraits, not that he'd ever tell anyone he was doing so. He just loved the people faces could convey so much emotion with a mere quirk of a brow, or the tiniest smile. It was through painting he'd finally begun to understand Kei's tiny shows of emotion. They were admittedly miniscule, but they were there. They were Tadashi's favourite things to draw. His sketchbook was a closed gallery of one Tsukishima Kei's internal reportoire. He'd been aware of his and Kei's soulmate status for almost 3 years now, and as far as he knew, Kei was still entirely oblivious. And that was how he wanted to keep it. At least for now. The bus pulled up to Fukurodani and Tadashi packed away his things. Time for training camp. "Coming, Yamaguchi?" Kei held out his hand to help Tadashi out of his window seat. Tadashi grasped it as gently as he could, he already had an unhealthy attachment to those hands... He couldn't afford to be creepy. Kei grabbed his own bag from the overhead stoarage and led the way off the bus; they were, as usual, the last off. Tadashi didn't dwell on the fact that Kei hadn't let go of his hand yet. ***** Tadashi's entire body ached. It hurt in places he didn't know he even had until today. Coach Ukai was a monster, a monster encouraged by the rampaging lunatics he'd called team mates. Training camp had never been like this in Amemaru. It was barely 10pm, but everyone in Karasuno was asleep already, exhausted from their hectic day. He could literally FEEL Tanaka and Asahi snoring, their soft palettes flapping in their throats. Good god they should see a doctor... That couldn't be healthy. Kei turned to face Tadashi in his bedroll and scooted, ever so subtly closer to his best friend. "What's up, Tsukki?" Tadashi whispered, even his throat protesting at the usage. "Can't sleep. It's so uncomfortable here." Kei croaked. He'd never been particularly good at the whole whispering thing. "Wanna get in with me?" Tadashi asked, without really having noticed what he said until it was too late. "I-I mean, we could share and put one bedroll on top of the other... to make it comfier... not, like, ya know." "No. I dont know. Explain it to me, Yamaguchi." Kei replied, the mirth lacing his voice sending a shiver straight to Tadashi's already sore heart. "Just, that, we're friends... So, it isn't weird. We shared a bed all the time as kids." Tadashi finished, lamely. He fought the urge to pull his blankets up over his face in shame. "No offence here, Dashi, but I think we're a little too tall to share nowadays, we'd have to really squish up against eachother." Kei leant over Tadashi's face to whisper into his ear. And there it was. That crazy thumping rhythm his heart beat against his ribs whenever Kei called him Dashi. The room was suddenly far too hot, small and awkward for his liking. "Yeah-yeah, you're-uh-you're right..." Tadashi mumbled into his hands, he had lost his battle against hiding his face, and was melting into his own embarrassment, face ablaze. Damage done, Kei lay back against his own bed roll and yawned. "Night, Yamaguchi." He breathed, and rolled away. Tadashi didn't reply. He thought it best that way. ***** Stupid Kuroo. Stupid, Ugly, Horrible, Asshole Kuroo. Capital letters for emphasis. How dare he touch Kei. How dare Kei let him! UCK! So maybe he was overreacting. Soulmate or not, he did not in any way OWN Kei; but that did not stop him being upset. It was only a hug, he reasoned with himself as he served the ball straight into the net. His palm was on fire. He'd long since stopped caring that the skin was cracking and bleeding in some places. It must have been at least 6 hours he'd been here. He knew he'd missed dinner and that everyone was probably already back at the lodge by now. He simply didn't care. They obviously hadn't noticed his lack of presence. Kei clearly hadn't either. Well, forget them. He had volleyball serves to do. "Yamaguchi!" Hinata threw open the gym door like a hurricane. "We've all been looking for you for hours! We thought Tsukishima was gunna cry! You should have seen it! Kiyoko-san and Yacchan took him back to the lodge to calm him down. He thought you'd run away." Hinata half-yelled as he dragged Tadashi back towards the 1st gym. ***** "DASHI, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!? WHAT THE HELL WERE THINKING ITS ALMOST 11 O'CLOCK AT NIGHT!? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!?!" Kei practically screamed in Tadashi's face the moment he entered the lodge kitchen. Tadashi almost toppled over and suffocated when Kei lunged at him and forced him into what was admittedly a rather comforting hug. "I... I just... lost track of time I guess." Tadashi lied, poorly, trying to hide his swollen, bloody palm behind his back without making it obvious. He failed. "What happened to your hand?" Kei asked, still infuriated as he gripped Tadashi's wrist and pulled him to the sink. "Too many serves..." Tadashi hissed as the cold water hit his hand. He could feel the other team member staring at them. It had to stop, he hated being stared at. "You need to be more careful, you always overwork yourself. It's not healthy, you stress yourself out and you're always getting sick or you end up like -" "Shut up, Tsukki." Tadashi near whispered. Kei stopped dead, then looked Tadashi straight in the eyes and smiled. "Sorry, Yamaguchi." he said, deadpan as he handed Tadashi a tea towel to dry his hand while he went to get bandages. Tadashi turned towards his team mates, their mouths agape and still as statues. "I'm sorry for worrying you all. It won't happen again." He smiled at them as Kei took his hand back and began to wrap it for him. ***** Kei stared at his left arm. The floral vines wrapping from his wrist to his elbow becoming more and more detailed as time went on. Whoever his soul mates was, they desperately intrigued him. They'd been drawing more recently. He was becoming more and more vehement that he needed to find them lately as well. He knew he could just ask them who they were. He could just write the question on his arm and have done with it, but that ruined it somehow. They deliberately never exchanged words, he didnt want to change anything. But he also really, really did. Maybe he could make it a game. Like 20 questions. Then use the information to find them. He rummaged through his dresser, in search of a pen, then waited for the vine on his arm to recede back into his skin. 'How old are you?' he wrote, his breath caught in his chest. What if they didnt reply? He waited almost 20 minutes before a single strawberry appeared, followed by 14 more, then, almost as an after thought, a half strawberry at the end of the row. He literally laughed. 15 and a half, well that was one way to reply. "Do you live in Japan?" He knew it was sometimes possible for soulmates to be across the world from one another. He waited again, 10 minutes this time. A squiggled shape appeared on his arm, when it was done he realised it was a small map of japan, with what looked like miyagi prefecture circled. "In Miyagi?" He replied, hopeful. That meant they were close by. He was still in the process of wiping the ink off his arm when the smiling face appeared on his inner wrist. "I wonder if we've met." He writes back. He waited 4 hours. They didn't reply again. ***** He couldnt write back. Kei knew his handwriting as well as he knew Kei's. Tadashi put his head in his hands and sighed. Why would he start writing now? Kei had been weird since they'd returned from camp. He'd been weird AT camp too, ever since Tadashi had gone 'missing' for those few hours. Kei had always been... Affectionate. Physically speaking. Not with anyone else, or in public, which honestly Tadashi appreciated, but he'd always liked to climb into Tadashi bed during sleepovers, or drag Tadashi into his. It was easier to watch movies that way, he'd always reasoned, when Tadashi questioned it. He'd also liked to hold Tadashi hand sometimes when they were sitting on the couch together, or cuddle up to Tadashi from behind when he cooked for them, which was often as Kei's cooking usually ended with the emergency services. But lately it'd been more frequent. He'd figured out when they were children that this was how Kei made up his brash personality and was not an indication of anything else, but nowadays Tadashi had been doing everything he could to avoid being alone with Kei. He had to make sure he didn't slip up; like suddenly shoving his tongue down Kei's throat the next time he smiled at him and called him Dashi while they were supposed to be watching Death Note. "SHIT." Tadashi said out loud, to no one in particular. ***** He awoke to the sound of screaming and yelling. "Not again." Tadashi grumbled to himself as something large smashed against the livingroom wall. His grandparents sounded like they were killing eachother. He got up as quietly as he could and made his way down the hall. "YOU! This is all your fault!" His grandfather grabbed his hair from behind and yanked him into the livingroom. "Me? What did I do?" He and his grandparents had never gotten along as well as he would have liked, but this was the first time he'd ever been scared of them. "You killed them. You killed both of them." His grandmother screamed in his face, tears streaming down hers. "What? NO! They died in the fire, Grandma!" Tadashi shouted back, knowing instantly what she meant. It wasn't the first time they'd accused him of having killed his parents. His grandparents continued to scream at him. His heart breaking with every verbal barb. He didn't know what had brought this on at 6am in the morning, but he hated it. He tried to get up and run back to his room, or the front door, either way, he needed outm they pulled him back, every time he attempted to escape their fingers dug into his skin more, finger nails drawing blood from his thin arms, his grandfather, still strong in his old age from his years of being a baker lifted Tadashi effortlessly and threw him against the wall. The impact forcing his chin up and making him taste blood. He wipes blood from his chin and panics, and while his grandmother screams he takes his chance. 'Tsukki, Help me.' the blood dribbles down his arm, and he has no idea if this will work, but its all he has to go on, and he hopes for the best. ***** Kei pours cereal into his dino bowl, the early morning sun filtering through the windows and casting an orange glow against the counter top. He almost ignores the tingle on his arm, spiteful after they ignored him last night. He's glad he doesn't. 'Tsukki, help me.' Messy and smeared with dribbled lines that send terrified shivers up Kei's spine. He'd know that writing anywhere. He leaves the cereal where it is, milk splattered on the surface as he races to the door. His feet can't move fast enough, his heart pounds in his chest as he races barefoot down the 3 blocks to Tadashi's Grandparents bakery. His breath rages in his chest and he's never been so thankful that Daichi forced him to run so often and so hard. He rounds the corner to the bakery so fast he literal skids on the still damp concrete and grazes his feet. He doesn't care, it doesn't matter. Only Tadashi matters right now. He reaches the back stairs to the apart, takes them 2 at a time, and scrambles through the black plantpot for the spare key when he hears the screaming through the letter box. His hands are shaking so badly he can barely fit the key in the lock when he finds it, and practically shoulders the door through the wall. He follows the dull, wet sounds of thudding and crying in the livingroom and finds Tadashi atop his grandfather, his face so covered in blood Kei can barely recognize his bestfriend of 7 years. Tadashi stops and climbs up from his grandfather, who spits at him. "Dashi?" Kei's voice sounds as weak he suddenly feels. "Kei..." Tadashi sobs, "Kei, I'm sorry." He cries as Kei lifts him up and carries him from the room, from the building. He lets him cry all the way back to his own house. He lets him cry while he dresses the cuts and bruises that litter his face, and even while he scraped the dried blood from Tadashi's hands. Kei doesn't speak. Tadashi doesn't need that yet. He places Tadashi into his bed and wraps himself and the blankets around him, then pulls Tadashi's face into his shoulder and strokes his hair till he stops shaking. After a few hours, Tadashi's breathing has settled, and Kei begins to think he may have fallen asleep, except that as he tries to move away, Tadashi's grip on his shirt tightens, and pulls him back. "Don't go... please." Tadashi's voice is coarse. "I'm just going to pee, I'm not gunna leave the freaking country. Chill, ok?" Kei huffs, and hears a tiny chuckle in response. When he's finished in the bathroom, he goes downstairs and gets Tadashi a glass of water, and makes them both some toast, then carries it all upstairs. When he walks back into the room, he finds Tadashi sat up with his back against the pillows and his head on his knees. He places the tray gently on his nightstand and puts a hand in Tadashi's hair. As if to reassure him that he came back. "You hungry?" He asked, softly. Tadashi just shakes his head and sighs into his knees. "Shame... It's got extra butter on it, guess I'll eat it then." he says, poking Tadashi's hand with a slice. Tadashi slowly takes the slice and lifts his head just enough to take a bite, adjusting to cross his legs as he does. "You ok, Dashi?" Kei shuffles into place under the blanket next to Tadashi and hands him his water. "Yeah." Tadashi sounds sore, and tired, but not upset. "Wanna talk about it?" Kei takes back the glass Tadashi hands him and settled back into his pillows. "They think I killed my parents in the fire." "Oh." Kei says. Weren't you like... 2 years old when your parents died?" Kei was desperately trying to remember. Tadashi never spoke about it. "Yeah, some electrical fault or something. But the week before the fire I broke the fire escape window. I don't know how, I was too little to remember that, but I did, so when the fire happened my mum and dad couldn't fit through the gap in the window, so they dropped my favourite teddy and told me to go get him, my downstairs neighbours saw me and took me to the front of the building." Tadashi spoke steadily, as if reading from a page. "I don't really remember much." "I see... But... you were a baby. You clearly didn't do it on purpose." Kei stated, matter-of-factly. "They chose to let you go, they wanted you to be safe because they loved you, and that's not your fault. I get that your grandparents are upset, but what the Hell happened this morning?" "I have literally no idea. I also had no idea I was this strong either. Physically i mean, emotionally I'm somewhere between 9/11 and the Titanic in terms of wreckage, but I'm actually kind of worried I hurt him." Tadashi looked at Kei as he spoke, a pensive look crossing his freckled face. "Dashi. Why didn't you tell me if you knew?" Kei couldn't stop himself asking anymore. "I did tell you. I told you my parents died the first time you came to my house- "That you were my soul mate, Tadashi. You had to have known to send me the message to help you..." Kei sighed. "Oh. That. Right. I thought it was better that way I suppose. I thought-I thought i wasn't... good... enough." Tadashi sputtered. "You absolute moron... Wow." Kei huffed. "I spent 7 years with you for the convenience then, did I?" "Being friends is different than dating!" Tadashi defended himself with a pout and crossed his arms across his chest. "Is it? I don't think so. Not for us anyway. I'm 90% sure we've been halfway dating since middle school. Minus a few things obviously." Kei laughed. Kei slipped his arm behind Tadashi's back and yanked him into his lap. "Well, either way, there is no way in Hell i'm sending you back there. You're just gunna have to move in here with me. Not that anyone would even notice, most of your stuff lives here, and you're here at least 4 or 5 times a week..." Kei nuzzled into Tadashi's neck, the tip of his nose catching the lobe of Tadashi's ear. "I'm not here that much!" Tadashi face blazed, his cheeks aflame as he felt Kei kiss the edge of his jaw. "Do you wanna be?" Kei's lips brushed against Tadashi's ears and he melted into an incoherent puddle right there on the bed. Tadashi could only nod as Kei slotted his lips against his. So this was what home felt like.

actually really enjoyed writing this. sorry its late. and sorry it sucks ass. i tried. please dont hate me..... @akkaai

#akkaai #tsukkiyama #Tsukishima x Yamaguchi #tsukishima kei #tsukki #yamaguchi tadashi #haikyuu!!#haikyuu #hq #soulmate au

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