#I used to be able to do that no more im old | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pinkmoondoll9shihtzu · 13 hours

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Quitting Weed Day 9 Status Report 📝

to start off , i'll say, i do indeed feel like Ass ! this post might get a tad emo. regretting my life choices to smoke for as long as i have 😕 But then again, maybe that's harsh, cus i was just doing the best i could with the circumstances i been dealt in the past.

i couldnt just quit cold turkey cus every time i try that its way too intense and i alwaus end up going back. So the past 9 days i've been hitting my (extremely weak) weed cart a couple times a night, only after 9pm, just to help me sleep. Before that i was smoking probly like. 5-8 bowls a day, followed by hitting the weed pen RELENTLESSLY all night until i passed out. So its still been a huge change lol. From tonight onwards tho i'm done w the weed pen and ready to try 0 thc 🙏

kind friend @palmceader sent me a CBD tincture made for sleep (thanku again 🥹) which im sure has a TINY percentage of thc, but nothing even close to how much im used to.

i cant even imagine how fried my dopamine receptors are, cus honestly, i feel Fucked. spaced out is an understatement. i cant focus on anything and its kinda driving me insane. it feels impossible to read or draw or do any of my hobbies.. my body feels heavy and depressed. No motivation. its kinda the opposite of what i was expecting. i can barely keep my eyes open during the day..

on a brighter note i havent been struggling too much with sleep or appetite. i think sleepy time tea + the tincture + magnesium is rly helping. my dreams recall is already improving so much, and the times i have nightmares arent as bad as its been previous times i tried to quit. i havent rly struggled with cravings at all either, which used to be a huge obstacle for me ! im just so over it now. i was starting to get chest pains and coughing a lot, which was taking any joy out of the act of smoking for me.

morbid to say but I often think of my father and how his rampant addictions directly lead him to such a painful and horrific early death. its a rare perspective of imagery so disturbing , i know i can't go on in such a manner. Like, what a fucking fool i would be! For others i can understand it but for me, no. it has haunted me for a long time to know i'm letting myself go down that path, even with all my insistent self-justification that his death is what brought me to this in the first place. deep down ive been knowing i need to break the cycle like i have the choice and the power, im still alive im still here ..

Sorry if thats depressing to bring up! i do feel depressed tho. i cant use weed to hide from my pain anymore.. i have to rewire my whole ass method of coping with stress at age 30. i know i can do it but its gonnnna be a long winded process full of ups n downs. Running away is no longer an option and thats a lot to face! a lot of old wounds i never rly dealt with, cus i kept my head in the 💨clouds💨 for so long.

i promise not to give up this time tho no matter how hard it gets 🙏 i want to set a good example too like indunno a lot of younger ppl follow me now i dont wanna feed into narratives that may influence them in bad directions. i have a responsible heart. i rly dont think weed is cool i havent since i was like 16. i was just dependent on it so i tried to romanticisze its role in my life. its silly.

im kinda laughing now cus im like god, i initially felt like the reason im quitting is so i can be more active in my dream world, but the more i think about it the more i notice MANY many more reasons to quit that go way deeper.

All in all the reason im talking about it is to maybe inspire other ppl who have been on the verge of quitting but too afraid to rly take the plunge-- Ur not alone, ur not weak for being addicted, if u need to reach out to me u are more than welcome.

Ppl rly downplay weed addiction cus the withdrawals arent life threatening like other substances, but that doesnt mean its a walk in the park. Most ppl i know who are stoners have never been able to quit for similar reasons as me. It takes a major psychological hold over u. if u ever need to vent about it or need advice, im here!

if u read all of this, pls dont worry abt me xD Even if it feels miserable rn i have faith things will improve, the heaviness and brainfog will lift, the emotions will be purged, i am excited for my future. One day at a time....Dont giving up 🙏

Signed, PMD9

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hajihiko · 29 days

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I non-willingly woke up at 7 canyou tell

#Last night was super fun but my capitalist body says 7 MEANS WORK GO GO GO no matter how much alcohol is still in there #I used to be able to do that no more im old #not an art

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juniemunie · 9 days

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[Abandoned by the Lightners, his heart became cracked with hatred.]

Hitting a lil' too close to home?

#junie art post #ink sans #error sans #utmv #errorink #implied. but yea not the focus #this has been turning around in my mind for quite some time. im glad to finish it lmao idk if my ramblings make sense even.#so like listen. do you ever think about how similar the function of the utmv is to the dark worlds in deltarune.#in a meta narrative to fandom sense? idk the word #we are making exaggerated expanded worlds of the ordinary tools and entertainment of the real world and make it into something more #isnt that very very interesting?#and we explore every sort of possibility in that creation. both good and bad #and when all is said and done. every possibility found and the entertainment and secrets has all run out #we put it away. abandon and leave it behind #what is left? what happens to the world and characters we have created? can it sustain without us?#what of the ones left in the dark?#idk if yall saw me a few months ago but i reblogged comyet's old post of ink begging us not to leave him alone and to keep creating #yea that never left me #and seeing exactly THAT SCENARIO in deltarune made my brain iTCH #imagine an ink in King's position.... wait isnt that just underverse #mmmmmmm. darkner ink.....#also error is here too. not just for errorink or that i can't separate these two to save my life #but error is also one of the few people to be able to GET IT?? he can hear the creators too. ink cant #but hes pretty much programmed himself to avoid having a mental break down to this via reboot memory loss.#and ink has his own internal coping mechanism (hooray for short term memory loss)#these two idiots will do anything but confront truths lmfao #ahhh my favorite idiots. never change #mmmmm #deltarune

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tohot4u · 4 months

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Macaque doodles cuz I’m going through a artstyle crisis

#lego monkie kid #lmk macaque #six eared macaque #lmk fanart #macaque #liu er mihou #lmk #The thing is #im stuck between wanting things more rendered or like if I should I use lineart #I feel like my old work was better #but I can’t use that old style to achieve the things I want #Like using more posing #And like #being able to do more dramatic lighting #I’m going crazy #just expect a lot more doodles and like #Experimental and inconsistent stuff k?

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ollylotl · 1 month

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a dream of home

#be warned i felt like yapping in the notes and by god thats what i did #i loooove making messy drawings like this actually. i love colouring and making finished pieces but #i only have the patience to do it every so often. clean lines and detailed colours are <3 but they cause me psychic damage #so its nice to just be able to sketch and only clean it up a little and then go fuck it. colours time #i did not want to make vyncents mum blonde even tho thats what they say in canon. theres no way. it just doesnt feel like it fits #i tried to make her hair a pale purple turning to blonde-ish at the ends instead but the lighting just completely washed that out lol #my artwork #jrwi vyncent #jrwi #jrwi vyncent sol #jrwi anna #jrwi anna sol #anyway. bizly bizly channel. condi condifiction. *slides you a twenty dollar note* PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE #tell us more about fauna and vyncents childhood #im on the floor sobbing and begging #i need lore not thats not just haha rpg as much as i love those bits #tell me everything.#jrwi prime defenders #jrwi pd #jrwi fanart #vyncent sol #jrwi fauna #jrwi pd fanart #pd fanart #prime defenders #prime defenders fanart #i fear i may hate this drawing upon waking up #but as the old saying goes #fuck it we ball

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front-facing-pokemon · 1 year

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#HEEEERE'S THE BIGGUN #everyone knows this guy from being the mailman in rescue team. and good on 'im for doing the job that no one else can #it's your game‚ pelipper! woooo!! cheering. clapping‚ even #see remember in wingull's tags when i was talking about it not having one thing it's super memorable for? pelipper is the beak. that bill #or whatever it is. is it a beak or a bill #it's a kangaroo pouch is what it is. for holding Mail………#i'm trying out the new post editor for this one. normally i use the “legacy post editor” or whatever they call it but i'm trying the new on #just for fun. and i'm not sure how i feel about it #it's kinda objectively better but the font for tags is way bigger. on the old one i could kinda intuit when i'm abt to hit the character li #it. ← like that. but here i can't quite tell. bc it makes it look like tags are able to be way longer bc it wraps twice instead of just onc #because the font is so big. it's like better. it's more readable and it plays nice with my theme. but i dunnoooooo #tumblr users are notoriously averse to change and i suppose i'm basically the same way #this isn't about pelipper. here's pelipper. enjoy pelipper #pelipper

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dyketubbo · 5 months

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i remember seeing someone call tubbo a fully grown adult at 19 (obvs before he turned 20) and i gotta say. i think maybe some people have a really skewed idea of what constitutes as "fully grown". and also what constitutes as properly mature. thinking that at 18/19 (or hell even at 20/21) people are now fully grown and mature is insane to me like yall thats how you get people thinking their life is over at like 23 and that 30 year olds are senior citizens 😭😭 be fr

#this is a problem no matter where you look but i think a lot of ppl in the mcyt fandom esp seem to think once youre-#-considered an adult at all that it automatically means youre fully grown and mature and thats just nooottt really true for most ppl #which i think can lead people down to sort of dangerous paths especially because 'adult' is often defined by age of consent #and theres also some slight cultural differences like even just between the us and the uk where due to 18yr olds being able to drink in-#-the uk (and other places) i think it genuinely causes some dissonance #where i see often in the us that when youre 18/19 youre still treated (id say rightfully) as being rather young and not Truly a grown adult #hence. yk. the term Young Adult #but i think in places where the drinking age is younger it starts causing people to see younger people as more mature #which is also why a lot of predators like to push for the age of consent to be at a younger age like 15 or 16 #and why many lolicons try to point at japans age of consent (which for the record is complicated and not as simple as just 'age of consent-#-is 13') as a defense for how they act #because these sorts of milestones (having sex and drinking) are seen as marks of a true adult. which gets into a whole lot of other #complicated things #and often dangerous things and ways of thinking #ANYWAYS . basically 18/19 isnt fully grown 20 is also hardly fully grown itself #and theres ways to combat people infantilizing tubbo and other creators his age without acting like hes actually #fully grown and mature lol. i promise you humans are not fully grown at 20 years old are you kidding me 😭😭😭😭#if youre in your 20s you still have a lot of time and space to grow i promise. do not fall for the idea that your life is done by like 23 #idk. im only 18 myself but it just feels insane to me that if i were a creator people would be calling me a fully grown adult #not that im not an adult but i dont think im mature enough to be seen as fully grown and i guess itssss. sad?#to see other people my age think that turning 18 means youre fully grown. just really not true #theres a lot of 30 year olds who still see early 20yr olds as being practically babies we have Not made it to full maturity yet i prommy #mask mews

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cathalbravecog · 1 year

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first thing i drew on my new tablet to test it out is the tv beast themselves

#gonna take a while to get used to... tfw u get an intuos for the buttons but realize u have #way too much muscle memory for ur old keyboard shortcuts (im talking YEARS. of the same/similar shortcuts. like. when did i get my first #tablet???? 2015??? YEAH.) (not my latest one btw i went thru a few tablets but yknow)#oh well!! ill see #took a bit to get used to but eventually i got into the swing of it since the work space on this is a bit smaller than my old one #i LOVEEEEE how the pen feels tho like the brush strokes its more consistent and i think ill be able to do good if ... my hand isnt hurty #and once i get less shaky with it!!!!! its sooo good. then again my old tablets pen had...its nib for 2+ish years #YEAH IT WAS BAD BAD....kept asking for replacement nibs but wouldnt get em #oops... oh well! anyways we ar the SMOOOOFFF zone HEE HEE #anyways i misse ddrawing cathal............. the skrunkle . the him. care him much very much a lot #trying out different ways to draw him too #and not try to be as on model as i was before... just have fun yknow??? get stylized and funky with it!§§§§!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HEEHEHEHEHEEE #soarry my brain wants to amsh buttons randomly rrly hard rn so its evil laugh time #ok normal tags time GO #toontown #toontown corporate clash #multislacker #cathalposting #guz art

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opens-up-4-nobody · 3 months

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...

#so my mom's wake thing was today and that was a lot. not in an emotional sense but in a im standing here talking for 3hrs #to ppl i dont kno or barely kno. ya kno? but it was good bc so many ppl showed up to talk abt her #so many people. my mom made a huge impact on the school system. so many ppl relied on her. she encouraged at least 2 ppl to get their #master. for one person to specilize in helping the dyslexic after her experience advocating for 3 dyslexic daughters. she wrote and was #awarded a 10000 dollar grant for special needs and intervention curriculum. which will affect so many lives.#everyone loved her. she's gonna get a track meet named after her and a scholarship created in her honor.#she was an amazing person and she affected a lot of lives and im glad she was my mom. and she raised at least one jem in my littlest #sister who is so sweet and is a great teacher. god but there was some weird stuff too. were pretty sure her old boss was in love with her.#and there were some weird comments abt her being a strong woman or this woman doing so much and its like hm y do i detect a note of sexism #y not say she was an amazing person? y the surprise? weird comments about how pretty i looked. which yes i looked great lol. my funeral fit #was cute. we did bright colors bc it was a celebration not a dower event. and im sure it was ment well but it was a lil weird. and then #everyone was telling my grandma what a great job she did raising my mom and like god fuck off she didn't do jack. my mom was great despite #her terrible mother. ugh. but altogether it was good that everyone was able to express their love for her. it was def a day that was for #them mostly. i mean partly for us but mostly for them. none of us even cried. ay but we have 2 more parties in her honor #bc everyone loved her so much we have to do one in her hometown too. plus a personal friends get together. ugh. im so tired #i wish i wasnt the most awkward. eye contact avoidant person in the room but like ya kno. what can ya do?#unrelated

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anastacialy · 13 days

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y'know, i keep making a habit of swinging my bat at hornets nests, but i have to say i'm getting so, so tired of people complaining about shows not making perfect sense when they aren't even close to done. we're four episodes into this season of doctor who. we're four episodes into this season of bridgerton. and yet in both fandoms i keep seeing people whine that such and such didn't make sense or it wasn't explained all the way and by god you guys i think maybe explanations might come later in the season. this is something most viewers will recognize as being called a 'plot.'

#like maybe a tiny bit of media literacy... might save you #and if you think i'm being mean like. its okay if you don't get it at first. it's okay if you don't understand the themes. but maybe #instead of stamping your feet and saying this makes no sense and i hate what they're doing and and and #maybe you could try listening to other people's interpretations of things and you'll find that what the show is trying to tell you becomes #more clear! would you look at that. wild how that happens #like im sorry you're entitled to your opinions but calling things bad writing just because you don't quite get it or it doesn't resonate #with you personally... i don't think you should just say this was shitty and worthless #the examples im using are because both resonate with me btw. 73 yards was existential horror it was hill house and bly manor #(im going to write about this in another post btw bc it compels me so)#it was about the way fear of abandonment can haunt you how mental illness can haunt you how you feel like you can drive people away #just by being yourself (the Woman was Herself what caused ruby to be abandoned was Her it's about her feeling as though she was the cause #of everyone who left her even as a baby even the people who loved her most could decide to not love her at the drop of a hat)#colin bridgerton is masking and faking a personality because it has been proven that time and time again #being Himself is Wrong that he annoys people he makes himself into what people expect of him because he's tired of being abandoned too #his family ignores and does not reply to his letters this season PEN stopped replying to his letters #his brother was cruel to him for being a romantic his friends LAUGHED AT HIM for saying sex is meaningful to him and don't they feel lonely #his Fake Rake persona makes viewers cringe because! its!! fake!!! he's faking it! HE GETS CALLED OUT ON IT TWICE IN EP ONE #if you don't understand he's faking it then that's on you at that point! i don't know! maybe take a minute to sit in the discomfort and ask #why did this show make me react this way and do you think maybe it was on purpose #''73 yards was confusing'' do you think confusion may be one of the ways ruby feels about her abandonment?#there is a theme in all of her episodes so far is it ''badly written'' unclear to you or do you just refuse to think critically about it #txtly #and im sorry for tagging this its just for my blog i kinda wish they still didnt show up in tags if i tag them all the way at the bottom #[old lady ruby voice] ''i used to be able to tag things just for myself once upon a time''#bridgerton #bridgerton spoilers #doctor who #doctor who spoilers

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3amsnek · 10 months

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new icon time bc the moment we hit double digits on the halloween countdown my brain genuinely straight up forgot it was still summer

#*changes my icon and immediately forgets so I get jumpscared every time I use hold to rb on mobile*#oh yeah and here’s this funky guy. haven’t posted him before #he exists bc my hand shook in the wrong direction when messing around with a completely different Weird Cat concept and I went o shit that’s #better actually #my art?#my oc art #character art #original character #oc art #furry #character design #ignore that this draft is almost three weeks old just don’t even worry abt it #life is. hahahaahaha. so much rn my summer has been Dog and Constant Stress and art is just. not able to be a priority rn #so ofc I have many ideas :’) someday im gonna be able to do things just bc i feel like it for more than five minutes again. someday #i do have like 4? i think? finished pcs of Bear Art from the past few months that i might post for fbw let me know if you want that perhaps #but that’s not for another month or two I think? i should know that im sorry brooks falls bearcam i have failed :(#there’s some stuff in the drafts i forgot I didn’t post too actually #maybe I’ll get around to that with my. very minimal free time the next couple of days (<- probably won’t)#on that note #if you commissioned something from me and I haven’t posted it pls don’t be sad i am simply attempting to survive the summer #my brain is not good in hot weather under the best of circumstances and this has not been those #I Do plan to post them they just take more brain than like. this quick silly doodle for myself to draft out #i know ppl probably are not worried i am simply. afraid.#anyways. look a creature

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snailfen · 1 year

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i got some watercolor brush markers for christmas !! did some other coloring to get used to it then pumped this out. anyways now all i can think about is drawing slither wing

[reblogs appreciated !!]

#honestly this looks a LOT better than anything i colored with my copic markers like holy shit?#i might actually start doing traditional art fr again.... ive been doing nothing but doodles for a while now LOLE #hopefully ill be able to draw more often!! i really want to but i just. Havent. for the past year and a half. what happened man...#i used to crank out so many drawings and drawpiles like in one week alone. 15 year old me was different #but ANYWAYS i got my first ever screen tablet (its a kamvas 13 and its really nice. im loving the hotkey buttons)#so im excited to do more digital stuff as well!!#also. new sketchbook. it works with my mechanical pencils much better than my last few holy shit #like if i was struggling on a sketch in my old ones i could only erase so much otherwise itd start rubbing the surface of the paper off 💀#this one does not do that at all! and it doesn't bleed easy either #hm. maybe i could draw some scrimblos in here ......#pokemon #slither wing #my art #pkmn art

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toastsnaffler · 4 months

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everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏