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irregulardiaryposts · 2 months

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20:40 07/03/2024

okay wow well its been well over two years since i updated this 'diary' blog lol

so weird seeing all those old posts about being a teenager with existential thoughts lol i dont really think like that anymore, at least not so much. i guess an update is in order then lmao okay so im in my 3rd year of uni now and im doing my year abroad! doing it in a small city in spain and i really quite like my job, ive only got 14hrs, i have a 3 day weekend, the city is small so i can walk everywhere and this job really gives me a sense of purpose that ive been missing in my life. makes me really realise that university is NOT for me lmfao i was so depressed during my second year i probs went to like 20% of my classes loool. im pretty sure i mightve almost failed aswell but since the professors were doing a marking boycott they released grades without marking the final exam and so since i was already doing well enough in all my classes i passed! quite lucky i think cos i wouldve been so entirely embarrassed and ashamed if i had to repeat a year cos of mental health. i think things are better here tho my issues havent disappeard completely like eg i have these evening classes 6-7.40pm tuesdays and thursdays and for the past like month i havent attended :/ at first it was cos i was sick (i think it was covid lol either from glasgow or on the plane back idk) and then i just didnt go back to class. i think my main excuse is that that is dinner time for me and i dont wanna move dinner time lol. but also i think the class itself is just not for me i dont feel like i learn a whoooole lot while im there and learning on apps is easier for me? but i always felt better for going to the classes cos i was like ha! im not depressed would a depressed person do this!? but of course depression doesnt work like that and i think i need medicated ! but that seems too scary to say. but at least i found someone to do a language exchange with! ive only had one hour with her in spanish, which was yesterday, but i already feel like ive improved lmaooo like i literally dreamt last night in a mix of spanish and english ahahahah cos when i think about it i literally have not ever regularly spoken spanish, ive only really spoken for activies in class or speaking exams so no wonder i have 0000 confidence in my speaking abilities but im hopeful that this will really improve my speaking :) about my job i guess- i work in a high school and i really enjoy interacting with the kids they really do make every day different and more interesting so i am grateful for them but sometimes damnnn sometimes i wanna jump out the window especially with this third year class they are the class KNOWN for being a bitof a pain lol and sometimes i have to lead the class by myself lmaooo mid u ik im 20 but i dont look it and they certainly dont treat me like an adult or a teacher and ngl they are a bit disrespectful at times but also what are u gonna do they are 14 and i have no proper teaching experience to help them by myself i can only hope that im actuallt helping them learn english lol. it is quite difficult tho with my scottish accent to try and sound as clear as possible because i pronounce almost 100% of the vowel sounds differently than rp english which is what i think they are used to so i have to realllyyyy annunciate all my words and man is it tiring lol.

what else. im going to madrid this weekend with bestie and im really looking forward to having a relaxing and fun time but i still havent packed my bags looooooool i alwyas do this tho and its fine not a big deal at all but i def need to do it tonight cos im leaving tomorrow immediately after work so ill have to have an actual breakfast and take snacks with me. im really enjoying my time in spain or at least im trying to but i feel like i have pushed myself enough out my comfort zone to be able to look back on this and say yeah i really took advantage of that. like i think i need to be more personable (is that a word yes it is i used it right) in teaching and be more interactive with them and stuff also i feel like i shoulve arranged a language exchange sooner cos i think this will really help, and i need to interact more with the other assistant but the thing is is im just not a sociable personnnnnnn aghgh. any way cutting this short cos i need to pack my bags for my trupppppp

#not using the tagging system i did on other posts i dont think theyre ever likely to be useful lmao

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elytrafemme · 2 years

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okay looked for writing snippets but genuinely could not find anything to share tonight i am really sorry. think i might just go to bed honestly soon. love you guys talk to you tomorrow :)

#nightmare.personal #i can't sleep honestly because the pain is still really terrible #me nervous-stimming is making it kind of worse but i can't really control either of those things #tomorrows either thursday or saturday so ill do stuff then #sorry IK i got new followers who prob want to hear abt CS not my pain but #rough next few months. will still post stuff tho :)#nightmare.owie #<-- blacklist if u want to ignore this shit lol

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ch4lk34t3r · 6 years

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im gonna b outta state for spring break starting tomorrow until thursday. ill b filling up the queue bc i cant post that much due to my phone being v broken. i can still message friends and stuff, but probs not post much out of queue. ill b back before 413 tho!

#era txt #announcement #ig lol #there is no wifi where im going but my data works !!#ill mostly be drawing/out with the fam anyway!!

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itsjayyyy · 5 years

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January 16, 2019 4:51 pm

So on last thursday after that update, I met up with heather for the first time since October. We met up at starbucks, but neither of us bought a drink. She already knew about my moving out because she saw me posting about it on snapchat. I told her all about how my new roommates don’t really talk to me (or do the dishes, or pay rent on time...) and also how my parents didn’t let me have my own bed (she was really shocked at that, which i didn’t understand like girl ive been homeless because of my parents no shit they won’t let me take a bed they bought themselves). I also told her about the whole rose situation, and ofc anna. I thought it was funny how when i told her about the whole “surgery on a porcupine” she was like “how is that possible? you mean she did surgery on those things that fall off of trees?”

After hanging with her, I went home since I had like 5 hours until my next class. rose kept messaging me like “hey are you ready to meet up?” “i can see you’re home now” etc. I didn’t answer, and honestly i was annoyed that she used my location as a weapon, so i left my phone at home when i went to class. Which was kinda annoying tbh, i felt so disconnected without it. (just got sidetracked, but i think when i get my student refund i’m gonna buy an ipod nano 1st gen, which was the first mp3 player i ever had. prob gonna fill it with the 3 vocaloid cd’s i found). After class i went to get a smoothie, then drove home. rose was waiting outside my door for me to get home, and she started going on about “omg i was so worried you weren’t answering my texts etc” we get into my apartment, and i just kinda unloaded onto her (again). just told her how it’s not even just the whole mom situation, but all of them had piled so much hate onto me since i was a kid that i’m incapable of loving myself, and it only frustrates me when they say “don’t see yourself negatively!” it’s like someone breaking your arm and then saying “just use your hand to grab x” without acknowledging that your arm was broken by them. she starts crying (as she always does tbh), then we go to get sushi.

friday i only had one class (psychology) so i chilled at home most of the day. can’t really remember what i did lol. oh wait i think i hung out with rose, to make up for not hanging out on thursday. yea we chilled at my apartment for a bit, then went to the west side to scoop up peter and get hooter’s. and then i complained about how i started feeling sick, and then called in saturday. i told myself that i would get ahead on my homework and clean my room, but i spent most of the day chilling. the gray cat that hangs around my apartment walked by my window, so i opened it and pet her. She climbed into my room, and i spent a good 3 hours just playing with her. I texted the owner asking if she was pregnant or not (bc she really looked like she was about to give birth) but he texted back saying it was a boy, and neutered. apparently he’s just super cuddly.

i called in sunday too, since it’s like i already lost an attendance point and i didn’t feel like going to work. i actually was productive that day, like i did laundry and cleaned my room. still getting the depressive episode out of my system, though, so i wasn’t running at full capacity.

on monday, i checked anna’s twitter (btw after i soft blocked her i felt that she was still looking at my profile tho, like our tweets would mirror each other in mood a lot), and she tweeted “omg i think my crush is flirting with me” so rip my chances with her. and yea i know it wasn’t about me bc outside of class i heard her talking about how they were talking thru snapchat. :c

i really can’t wait until fall when i get transferred to the downtown campus, though. as i was walking up to msb, i saw someone sitting directly next to the entrance. and you can probably guess who it was. I really thought “new semester, new schedule, no more stalker savon waiting outside my classes” but i guess i was wrong. as i sat in the hall waiting for my class to start, I had a minor anxiety attack that i tried to cover up by talking to my classmates and professor about high school funding. luckily in that conversation, i learned that msb has two side exits, so now i have different paths to take. (honestly this whole time i’ve gone here, i thought the “handicap accessible” sign in front of the side entrance was trying to say that wheelchairs should go down the stairs, but my classmate pointed out that it was supposed to say “handicap accessible, up this path to the right,” not directly forward. I took the side stairs after class and basically ran to the garage in case he was following. At home i still had an assignment for comp, which was “visit a place on campus that you’ve never been to before and draw it in a 4-panel comic” (this class is all about multimodal writing) which, by the way, is really only possible for freshmen. as a spohomore, there isn’t a single place on campus that i haven’t been to. except for that side stairwell. so i drew my experiences taking a new staircase as an exit. let me make this journal entry multimodal by adding my comic:

anyways, that comic was apparently way overdrawn, when all of my classmates did simple stick figures at memory mall. kinda felt like wednesday addams wearing a long black dress at summer camp. it was nice tho, gave me a way to express all of my feelings about the whole thing (since i had nobody to talk to). it was like art therapy.

tuesday we had a quiz at the end of calc. i know hindsight’s 20/20, but seriously how the fuck did i fail this class it’s so damn simple. I finished the quiz in a literal 30 seconds and then sat there because i didn’t want to be the first person to finish. all of my classmates looked really deep in thought too, so i started to wonder if i was maybe not doing it right. but then the professor walked by and saw i wasn’t doing anything, so i was like “is this all that we have to do (setting up an integral but not even solving it)” and he was like yea, ur good. surreal.

then i went home and chilled until my evening class, then after that drove to peter’s bc we were gonna hang. so rose remembered that i was coming over, but peter forgot; while peter remembered they invited paul over, but rose forgot. i know that they’re kinda close with paul and all but tbh i don’t really know him that well, and it feels awkward hanging with him. when i told rose that, she was like “but you guys have hung out together, remember that time you got blackout drunk and slept on his bed, i felt like that was a real bonding moment for yall” um no i actually didn’t remember that, probably because i was BLACKOUT DRUNK. anyways i told all of them about anna (since peter and paul didn’t hear the story), then we smoked a little and played comer. We all won a round except for peter lol. then we watched an episode of marie kondo’s show (i wanted them to see how she lowkey looks like a robot), and then i headed home. i got home at like midnight tho, and since we had a sub today in calc, i figured i could skip it. so today i woke up around 10, got on campus at 2 since i was gonna hang with heather (but her boss didn’t let her have a break since she only worked 5 hours so we’re gonna meet tomorrow instead), went to psychology (and we finished the chapter early so no class friday!!!), and since then i’ve been in the library writing this.

here’s my plan for surviving this semester: i’m gonna act like this is fuckin birdbox, but extreme version. he wants to get a reaction out of me, and he’s not gonna. from now on, any time that i’m outside of a building (and even most times that i’m indoors but not in class) I’m going to have headphones in, and look down at the ground (not like directly at my feet, but like looking forward but at the ground ahead of me) or at my phone. that way if he finds me, he still can’t get a reaction bc i’m visibly distracted in the only two senses that he can reach me through. i don’t think he would go as far as to try to touch me, so i should be safe.

i hate that i feel like i’m always on the defensive at my own damn college. i hate feeling like i can’t even walk around freely without being followed. but hopefully i just need to make it to fall, hopefully ucf doesn’t delay the opening of the downtown campus, hopefully i transfer in a few months and can *really* put this all behind me. then it’s all smooth sailing, just gonna go through my final two years at uni, then graduate, get a job in CPS for a few years, then go back to school for my master’s. from there become a licensed clinical social worker, so that i can maybe work for cps but in a hospital setting where i get paid more, buy a house, have a family. get out of orlando. (but i kinda like orlando...)

anyways it’s 6 o clock now, so in about 15 minutes i’m gonna leave the library, use the guidelines i wrote above, use the side entrance, and get to class.

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biscottibitches · 6 years

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1 year

U may or may not remember posting this but whatever here we go. It's 3:49 am and u r sitting in Claire's house (2116 main) in her bed with her. She is ptfo no surprise but u should be asleep too but lol!! Ur not bc u suck and took an addy from Jared he gave u a few weeks ago when u were drunk idk why he did that. But cool Jared thanks. Also u like rly like Jared a lot. He's hella cute n adorable and u wanna bone him hard lol. U have class tomorrow at 9:25 (culture and mental health with sutha) that will be fun I guess. Lol. U get to become a citizen this week!!! U go to Milwaukee Thursday with Garrett Jones awww he's the best. But yeah ur life is decent rn u r getting ur hair done Thursday too so hopefully that'll look nice omg. First bayalage. Uh so ur still kinda hung up on Mitch mills but like he is 4 sure with Nicole n u r just sad lol so get over it lidia even tho u kno he belongs with u n not her n he knows it too but he just needs more time and Nicole will realize he sucks and she deserves better and yah. But rly. U fucked scott hunter (your assistant manager at bros) the other night for the 4th time. Lidia stop it. U need to stop. Lol that shit is so bad. U will get fired and cry. HOW ELSE WILL U PAY 4 POT??!!!! Quinn Murphy is Claire's love and he is shitty dude to her n that makes u so mad. He wants to become friends with ppl so he's working on that yay!!! It'll help him b happier finally😌 u love all music rn. Ur fav song is arigato and probs bounce back by big Sean lol u suck. Uh yeah bizz is still the shit. U r planning on going to odesza at red rocks in may with claire so hopefully that'll be lit as heck. It is almost 4 am now and u still haven't gone to sleep yet bc ur garbage and took that addy for no reason bc u did like 10 mins of homework U stupid fuck get it together. U better run 3 miles tomorrow lazy pos. The weather should b v pretty so let's hope k cool. I hope ur life is so fucking great right now and that u r so damn happy with a dope ass boyfriend. I hope Phil and mother are still around. Same with grandparents n that ur mother is especially happy. Just touched Claire's knee with booty accidentally lol sorry clur. You're trying to work out more bc u wanna b hella in shape for bikini season bc u want a HOT ASS MAN BC LOL U R HOT SO GET A HOT SUGAR DADDI MAMI hope u r still eating fruit roll ups superstar😘😘😘😘 xoxo lidz09 aka mclidz aka mami aka lid dawg

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hellotvv · 7 years

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Week

This week has been a kinda cool week tbh.

Thursday, I got my new chair fully built thanks to my friend Brent that help built it with me. This chair is super cool and comfy! Idk my room looks pretty sick rn tbh. We both played in the sm4sh tournie and I got 4th, which is pretty good. There was a salty suite exhibition match between kyros and me, and I won super easily 3-0 haha. :3 Not gonna take time to explain the salty suite, but yeah. Did good in smash tournie and then went for a late night mcd run with brent and andrew. Myfitnesspal does not appreciate that LOL.

Friday morning, was supposed to briefly visit chloe at her work and then go to office hours with ochem lab ta. But it was raining super hard, so uhhh I decided not to... I slept till like 2, then it was time for a food adventure. Brent, Henry, Bryan, and I drove like 45 mins to go to olive garden lmao. Henry never been there before and idk SB surprisingly doesn’t have an olive garden... But it was a fun trip with the boys and got pretty full. Ate too many calories, so I didn’t eat dinner that Friday haha. Then I stayed up and managed to cop 2 yeezys. Brent was supposed to stay up with me like he said, and cop them too. But he fell asleep rip. I got his size actually and my size. But idk if I should sell to him for retail (since I’d lose ilke $400 compared to reselling). I would have, but he was uh a bad boi and went to sleep and asked me to try to cop for him. But it’s like, I can’t be rewarding him when I stayed up all night to cop. So I’ll wait and see if he deserves it, if not I’ll just sell and get $$.

I ended up not sleeping really, since at 10 I was meeting someone on craigslist to sell this brand new iphone 7 I got, and got a quick $550 in cash wooo. Then I ate dennys with brent, went home, facetime fyona a bit, passed out, and then hung out with Kristy and Jessica. They were having housemate issues, since their housemates are very spoiled and demanding bad housemates. I came by to kinda just stop them from arguing, since they’re not gonna argue with a random friend stopping by. It was nice talking to Kristy and Jessica tho, and we watched an episode of Riverdale together, since it has Cole Sprouse! It’s on CW, which is same network as Arrow, The Flash, Super Girl, etc. I think the first episode was ok, idk I didn’t think it was that good to keep watching. But we’ll see if I continue it. I managed to keep up with The Flash nowadays tho, so that’s cool.

Tomorrow, it’s study bois! Gonna grab brunch with the boys and then head to library and study hard! So we’ll see how that goes haha. My new housemate is okie, haven’t really interacted with her tbh, she stays in her room a lot and we haven’t had too much convos together yet. Tmrw (technically today) is also Fyona’s bday, so i wished her a happy bday. Prob will buy her a gift sometime soon and give to her over 3 day weekend, we’ll see

Then it’s Valentine’s Day soon on Tuesday. Prob will have some dedicated valentine’s day post like I always do each year. I have a photoshoot pic to post on valentine’s day, so yay photography content to post! Slowly growing instagram, but been too busy to maintain it.

Idk I’ve been having busy week, but the ending of this week has been nice. I need to find time to gym more, probably edit more photos, and yeah. I had a photoshop scheduled for saturday, but it got rescheduled to this thursday. So hopefully that’ll go well!

I’m feeling a bit sleepy, prob will read some chinese novels, and then pass out for tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day like always. Maybe Valentine’s Day thoughts post soon-ish.

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raksh-writes · 2 years

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Hmm, I'm feeling better today, but do I feel well enough to try and finish this fic I was writing this week before work? I could try and maybe I would, but ngl I kinda feel like just playing Skyrim and chilling and not doing anything else 😂 I mean, in theory, I want to write and finish this fic, but... dunno, maybe I just gotta rest. I'm prob still getting used to this whole new job thing, it's been quite hard and demanding, and my body prob hasn't yet caught up to produce enough energy so Im exhausted most of the time. Oof...

What to do, what to do, hmmm

#personal #Raksh posts #Raksh's writing ramblings #kinda but still #I have this fic like 2/3 done #its only expanding on the rought draft I did like a week ago #but even if I finished it I'd like to leave for a bit before edits #so maybe giving it some room to breathe Now would be good too #come back to edit And finish it at once #hmmmmm #tho i'd like to focus on updating LitA next weekend instead #this week's nice 'cause Im most prob working only monday to wendsday ^^#with the independence day on thursday and friday being kinda off day #there's like a small shift at the warehouse but fingers crossed I dont have to work then cause Im still very new to everythinf #but yeah! potentialy a 4 four weekend next week!#finally gonna be able to rest and maybe do something creative ^^#4 day weekend*#I've got an early shift tomorrow too ughhhh gonna have to wake up before 5am 😭😭#oh Im gonna be so exhausted...#but it is what it is #at least Im switching shifts on tuesday #and its only three days #as for now hmmmm I dunno #my brain might be a bit too fogged up for any writing ;/ hmmm

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itsjayyyy · 5 years

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June 26th, 2019 11:50 am

holy hell it’s been a long time since my last update. First of all: that last update ended at a really climactic moment and I’m mad that I don’t remember what happened next, or even that it ever happened. It’s like reading a book that ends on a cliffhanger and has no sequel.

So I did end up getting everything from the last update resolved. Rose took a week but finally responded with “you’ve made a lot of valid points, I want to work harder to repair our friendship.” Regardless of whether I believe her, at least I had this exchange to hold her accountable. I got my tire changed a week after I said I would. My mechanic looked at it and was like “what the fuck is wrong with you” because the strip became a continuous 2.5-inch wide belt of smoothness. We passed the apartment inspection, but they did charge me the $250 for the pet fee. No big deal tho.

Recently mom has been wanting to move back to michigan. She’s tired of florida and the market is perfect for selling the house now. But dad says he won’t move until he can see for sure that rose gets her degree and can move out on her own terms, financially stable. Mom wants to give rose a hard deadline to move out. I agree with mom, rose is getting far too old to be living at her parent’s home rent free considering she makes almost double what I do, and I’m entirely independent. Like seriously, where is her money going? An ounce of weed a week? Buying her boyfriend a new xbox and games? Fixing her piece of shit car which broke down again a week later? (she wants to buy a stick shift this time. I’m not gonna tell her it’s a bad idea, bc she’ll prob sell it to me for cheap after she gives up learning to drive). Now iris and I are trying to apply gentle pressure on her to get her life together, and by that I mean I lashed out pretty strongly over text and now iris is gonna come by and comfort rose while also subtly agreeing with me.

I just barely passed my classes and kept my scholarship with a 3.008 gpa. tell me that ain’t god’s work. I failed calculus with a whole F again, but I’m gonna really give it a better shot next semester. I *will* at least get a C.

My comp 2 professor nominated me for the stylus award. I don’t think I’ll win because personally I think my essay was a rushed mess, but it’s nice to know that he thought it was that good. I picked up my portfolio from him, but haven’t reread it yet. Also, I stopped browing r/braincels like I used to. Even after the semester ended, I would still read every post for a long time, but I finally stopped when I felt like my mental health was declining. I mean, I don’t need to keep reading it anyways, the project is over. Sometimes I’ll go back on it and read a few posts, but not often.

This update is just pure procrastination btw. Not only am I procrastinating studying for my two midterms tomorrow, but also because I got back on Tinder last night and got three messages. I’m really an all-or-nothing kinda guy, I don’t like the idea of dating multiple people at once. which apparently isn’t how tinder is supposed to work; some online articles say “it’s best to have 10 conversations going at once” which I hate because it makes people seem so disposable. I swear, straight people treat dating as a business transaction, they’re always trying to shop around and discard what they have for a better thing. Anyways I don’t know how to respond to the messages, especially since I really only want to talk to one person at a time.

So anyways. Last semester ended, the summer semester began. Do you remember the first semester of college, how that one guy at a club meeting was a total creep and followed me (us?) onto the city bus and couldn’t take a hint to leave? Well I’m pretty sure he’s in my comp sci class, and he sits three seats to the left of me and looks over at me like once every 5 minutes. Also, two weeks into the semester, savon figured out I’m in discrete structures and has since then come to sit in on the lectures. And last thursday he loitered around the bookshelves near my seat in the library for an hour. I mean really, is he SO interested in plant diseases that he stared at the spines of the books for a whole hour?? I hate men.

Because of that, I had to study in HPA instead. It brought back memories, from when I thought I wanted to major in social work. Still love that vending machine they have that can make a latte for $1.50, I wish they had more of them on campus. Anyways as I was sitting there, this guy walked past me, then turned around and was like “oh I think you’re in my comp sci class.” He asked what we did in class and tbh it took me a hot minute to remember because my attention span has been shot recently. Dude didn’t even know we have an exam on thursday. He seemed kind of friendly, he’s majoring in computational physics. He asked me what my discord username and I hesitated before telling him bc like 2 hours prior, I said “man, that’s the first time anyone has said they love me in years” (in regards to the professor telling us he loves us).

I’m doing pretty decent in my classes. Definitely gonna get A’s or B’s in them. I’ve become more cordial with my parents too, I visit them once a week/every two weeks-ish. Rose and I had an argument on memorial day. She was basically delegating me to permanent third wheel, because she says she “never gets to act like a couple with peter in front of other people.” Apparently I’m a second-class citizen to “other people” since I’m the one that gets excluded. And it’s even worse considering the fact that rose is pretty much the only person that I talk to these days, like I have no other friends, so the few moments we do hang she wants to ignore me. I told her about this and all of a sudden she started saying “oh well you don’t even care about me anyways” like wow that’s not gaslighting or anything.

That was about a month ago, and I’ve been in virtually complete isolation since then. I’ve hung out with heather for about two hours total in the last month, and other than that it’s just utter loneliness. Honestly I’m pretty sure my vocal cords are gonna grow weak from disuse; I mean I’ve rarely spoken my entire life and now it’s just getting worse. Severe isolation like this really feels like it’s deteriorating my brain; my memory is getting weaker, I can’t focus, all I think about is how I’m completely ugly and unloveable and nobody wants to be my friend because I’m such a horrible person.

This lasted for all of gemini season, and at the start of cancer season I just started crying at everything. On sunday before I went to work I started watching she ra on netflix. By the second episode I had already cried twice; once because I thought it was so great that adora had friends who cared about her, once because I felt bad for catra for feeling abandoned. Then I cried at work because this family came in, dumped off their son in a wheelchair with a laptop, and then never came back for him the rest of the night. Then I cried the next morning because I felt lonely. Then I opened r/sad, read the most upvoted story, and cried again at that. I hate cancer season.

My life (financially and academically) is going fine, but the loneliness is what’s still making me feel like shit, which is why I got back on tinder. I mentioned that already, right? yeah, I still don’t know how to respond. There’s this one girl who also looks hapa like me, and by her bio I really want to talk to her but I’m nervous. Last night I was like “lemme smoke a little to relax then I’ll message her” but then after smoking I was like “lemme have some vodka and punch” and then I decided to do a hair mask, followed by a long shower, followed by taking nudes (it was a lot of vodka, man). And by then it was 10pm and I couldn’t respond without looking sleazy. So now, here I am, at 1:17 pm the next day, and I still haven’t responded. Or studied for my midterms tomorrow. I’m gonna die.

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hellotvv · 7 years

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Life Update

It’s been a while since I’ve last posted. The last time I posted was the first day of this semester, and now it’s basically two weeks in. Have things changed a lot? I’d say, not really. But life has been good definitely.

Today is a rainy day, so I’m in a mood to finally write and idk vent some feelings. Today, I’ve slept in for a while. I ate lunch and then showered and met up with Rebecca. The reason why I met up with Rebecca is because she’s auditioning for Mulan and needs photos of her. She asked if I could take photos of her and I was like sure. So I got over to her place at like 3:30 and it was a pretty cloudy cold day. We walked around to the beach near Manzanita (one of the 2nd year dorms), it’s a meh beach. I took photos of her, asked her about her classes, winter break, and etc. Since although we have math together this quarter, I haven’t really seen her. But she’s Kai’s ochem lab partner this quarter tho. It was nice talking to her. She asked if there’s any new gossip going on with my life, and I was like haha nah. Apparently I have pretty friends tho, so my next gf has to be pretty since I must have high standards according to her. I was like nah, I’m pretty chill tbh in terms of looks. I’m definitely more of a personality person. I asked her if anything is new with her love life, and she says she likes being single a lot. She asked about Stefanie actually, and I told her I haven’t really talked to Stefanie since August. Apparently Rebecca heard gossip about Stefanie o.o I was like oh and told me some stuff? I wonder who told her such gossip o.o. She asked if I met Helen before, since she’s good friends with Helen. I told her that I met Helen once at a USC party lol. Then Rebecca treated me to a starbucks frap and drove me to my house, which was nice of her. Since her place is a bit far (walking wise at least) from my place. Then I chilled, ate dinner with my friend Bryan, made some plans with him, and yeah. He asked if I was going to Bharat’s party tonight, but I honestly wasn’t feeling it today. I know I didn’t go out Friday, but idk this week is like one of those weeks where I just wanna stay in my room and be by myself. I’ve been pretty good about hanging out with my SB friends and there’s like a groupme with all 12 of us in it now lol. On Friday, they went to watch a horror movie, but I wasn’t feeling like going. I actually thought about just going to the movie theaters by myself and watching La La Land by myself. I never watched a movie by myself, but it feels like it could be a nice thing just going and watching by myself. Idk I heard La La Land is good and I really wanna watch it. So yeah, today, I just kinda chilled in doors and had a good day at home. Idk I just enjoy those lazy rainy days indoors and cuddling up in bed. Also I played some Overwatch with my friend Ann (from back home) and it was cool. Also Rebecca + Lindsay (her housemate) both recently said we should hang out more, and I agreed we should haha.

As for general updates overall... School’s been going good, nothing to complain about yet. I got a new lab partner in ochem, but she’s like idk the most unsocial lab partner yet? Like she doesn’t make any small talk like oh how’s your day, what classes are u taking, etc etc. Idk I’ve had some cool lab partners like my MCDB1C lab partner last year :( and my lab partner last quarter is pretty cool. I see him at parties sometime still haha and we say hi and what’s up and stuff. But yeah, can’t complain about classes yet. Going to be studying for them tomorrow! As for friends, idk if I’ve made new friends exactly just yet. I still keep in touch with Hope and Fyona. Fyona and I text pretty much every day and facetime fairly often just for fun. We’re like best friends and it’s cool. Catherine, I still snapchat every now and then, but haven’t really talked to her. Kristy is taking ochem lab and I see her now and then with Jessica. We all ate ramen with Brent, Bharat, Henry, and Bryan just like last week! Idk there’s so much to update, even tho it’s just been a bit. Uhm... School okay, maybe stressed about future when it gets to like 4th year and stuff. But I guess just gotta take life one step at a time sometimes. I’ve became decent friends with one of my models Cindy! We made plans to shoot sometime in the future. My photography ig has been doing some good growth :D it’s at nearly 800 followers~ and I still get hit up by models randomly asking to shoot with me still, which is cool. Outside of the shoot with Rebecca today, I haven’t really shot lately. But I might in February with Sabrina in Fyona, maybe a future shoot with Cindy again, uhh random models potentially, and this one photographer that wants to link up and he works near SB. Idk photography going well! As for sm4sh, there’s no tournaments recently. But this week was the Arcadian on Thursday, which is a tournie where no PR players can play in. I’m legit ranked 3 in SB, so I can’t play haha. But Brent played and I went to support him + gave him some coaching. He ended up getting top 8, which is really good. It had like 70 ppl!! Uhh, I still keep up with my friend Jia. Kai and I are doing fine, she liked her expensive xmas gift that she chose. She’s getting a roommate still, and she hasn’t really been home this entire week. The roommate is prob gonna be some random, idk who or when they’ll move in. But I’ll miss having the house to myself T_T ahhh. Hopefully they won’t be a bad housemate D: I play overwatch with my boi Alan still now and then. I haven’t really bought clothes in a while, so no progress there. As for clothing brand, it’s made some progress. Henry is a lagger with vectorizing the designs ahhh. Since we have one good design :( and just want it already done. But we got 3 samples of a pretty basic shirt that says, “No Sleep”. It’s to be like edgy and fit our sad boy theme. Like you can interpret it in a lot of ways. Like oh no sleep, since we’re up late crying or thinking. Or if you wear it to the gym, it’ll be hardcore like damn this guy going hard, no sleep!! But yeah :3 I did the designs for that and we got 3 samples being shipped to me. If it’s good, then we’ll do an order for a couple more to sell to friends. Mostly waiting for Henry to finish the graphic design for our first real tee. Then maybe we’ll have a launch party + make a website + ig. Then once we have another design done, then we’ll start to advertise it I guess lol. So clothing brand going okie. These past two weeks, I did go to friend parties, ate dinner/lunch with friends, go to the gym and etc. Oh right. So I’ve been really really good about my diet this week. I’ve tracked my calories and ate reallly well in terms of eating at a calorie deficit. Last week I was pretty good too, but this week damn I’ve been really good. It’s hard a bit, but life style change yo. I’ve been hitting the gym occasionally too, so that should help! Just wait 1-2 more months yo :D gonna be way more fit and super happy with my appearance. My skin has been good lately, so that’s going for me! But yeah been improving fitness wise ever since I got back to school. I guess I don’t really have much to complain about. I have good friends that invite me to things, so I have the option to decide whether or not go out haha. I have buddies for lunch/dinner if I want. I have gym buddies like Brent/Bharat/Shannie/Brooke. Been doing good progress on every aspect I guess of my life, and nothing bad happened at all lately. So I guess I gotta appreciate more when things are just content or good. But yeah, brief summary I guess about how I’m doing, there’s probably a bunch more stuff that I haven’t thought of. I think I’m going home next week for Lunar New Years :O I also have midterms next week .-.

As for my love life.. Hmhm, that’s a bit more tricky in some ways. I guess similar to Rebecca. I think I finally got to a point where I’m definitely okay and fine being single. I legit have made 0 attempts on looking for a gf, and been mostly focused on myself for once. I definitely think I’m making some progress on myself and working even more on improving myself in mental/physical/etc aspects. I have gained back more confidence in myself as well. I definitely think I could be a great SO as well. Like I’d like to think that I’m fairly knowledgeable about relationships. I’ve done some reflecting and learned from mistakes on what to do/not to do and I hink I’ve improved in how I treat ppl/myself/etc as well! But hey, I’m the type of dude that would drive hours just to see a SO for an hour or even 30 minutes. I’m the type of guy that would genuinely cherish them, try to keep interest by flirting with them, show them love/affection through words + actions, give small gifts now and then, treat them to every meal if possible, drive them around, try to find new places for adventures, make plans with them, make sacrifices for them, try to get into their hobbies, pull all nighters for them, try to give amazing gifts, try to plan/throw great life milestone events, and etc. So I guess I’m confident in my ability on being a good SO, so I’m not shying away from relationships. But I’m not necessarily going out of my way to look for one. I’m trying for once to focus on myself and improve myself, be happy on my own, and become an even better person for myself and I guess maybe future SO as well. But yeah, not in the place in my life, where I can’t be vulnerable anymore. Definitely at a good place, where I could take risks and be vulnerable and open my heart again, if I wanted to. But no real big motivation to go out of my way to look for a SO or anything rn. If it happens, it happens. I guess semi-related to my love life, is that my ex Kristy randomly followed my theo.centric ig account o: we haven’t talked in maybe almost a year? So I’m surprised she followed me, but I followed back since whateverz. Nothing came out of it tho, still haven’t talked, and it’s been a while since uh she followed me (maybe a week)? As for Stefanie. Honestly, I miss her still a bit to this day. I guess I’m fine being single and would be open to dating other people. Yet for whatever reason, I still miss her deep down in my heart... I guess I just went through so much and spent so much time with her and was so used to having her in my life, that it’s hard without her sometimes. I guess I shouldn’t in some ways, since sigh some of the things she did to me... But idk... :( I can’t help it... I guess even tho I’ve ‘moved on’, the way things were/things ended just never sat well with me to this day like closure was kinda reached but not really... I guess in an ideal world, maybe she would have loved me more and looked only at me.. Oh well, life. Idk I guess it’s late and just in an eh mood. Idk it’s crazy, since I’ve broken up with Kristy/broke off short things with so and so, but I guess I never think about them this long after a break up... Idk why it’s like this with Stetefanie now... She was so mean to me too :( sigh. Maybe one last emotional update later. A bit sleepy now and I guess that’s all for now. I’m good, maybe sad a bit sometimes at night, improved myself, working on all my hobbies + school, and yeah.

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hellotvv · 7 years

Text

Today

New Year and successfully idk distancing myself more from Catherine. This is kinda my grind year again, where I really work on myself in every aspect possible. Hobbies, mentally, physically, academically, etc etc.

I don’t feel like writing too indepth compared to last post. But I’m gonna try to write as much as I feel about my day. So I woke up, drank apple juice, got ready, waited for hope to come over at 2:30 and kinda showed up at Thao’s house late. Thao is the model we were shooting, oddly have privated ig, but knows Hope from uh volunteering back in HS. Hope came along to barely shoot, mostly accompany me, which I appreciated. The shoot started in a roof top of a parking garage, but it was too bright and the lighting was too harsh. The pics aren’t really my style and weren’t feeling them. Went to orange circle, which is near chapman, and the photos there turned out decent. The model was really bubbly and nice and it was cool talking to her/etc. She oddly looks better in photos than in person, kinda weird to say. I mean not just in ig, but like actually taking the photos haha. Like idk?? She was decent at posing and could come up with a lot of poses on her own, but I directed her a bit too. Overall, got decent shots, and I appreciated Hope coming along. Then went to Olive Garden to eat and picked up Catherine. It was yummy and then headed home. I chilled, made sure Nhi is gonna shoot with Hope and I on Tuesday, and Disneyland with Hope + maybe Nhi on Wednesday. That reminds me, I should charge up my external battery lol for that day. But tomorrow, I’m gonna accompany Hope and Catherine on their 2nd shoot, since the first shoot they’re doing is at 10 which is TOO early. ;-; Uhm, tomorrow will prob be just okay tbh. Like I’m not gonna shoot, just being a good friend and accompanying them. Tuesday should be pretty fun with Nhi and Hope, Wednesday could be lit if Nhi comes along, and then Thursday idk what I’m doing. Maybe the shoot with Cindy? Friday is really up in the air :O Saturday, idk prob my last day at home, since Sunday I head back... Was supposed to have a day with Erika + jessica or Christy + Kristy, but idk when/if that’ll happen o.o since my schedule kinda busy and they both (both like potential hangouts) are only free this week and not last week at all when I was more free...Oh well. I do look forward to going back to school just a bit, not the work tho but kinda back to my own place and idk being free at my own place. Like I’m gonna diet and eat less, gonna get to hang with friends, and it’ll be a fun time. Yeah, I’ll miss Hope and Cat a bit, but I’m hanging out with them so much it’s like uhh need some time apart now haha... I do need to get to posting and editing photos soon, but maybe I’ll save some of that back in SB... Idk :3 anyways today was a not bad day overall!

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