hellotvv

[hellotvv]

My Therapy Pt. 2

Wow, I can’t believe it’s actually been a whole year since I wrote that last “My Therapy” post. I guess there’s just something idk different around this time of the year. Honestly, reading the last post, it makes me feel like the problems I had then is pretty much the same as now. Reading the accomplishments was and is something I’m still proud of too. It’s pretty funny actually, since if I didn’t write the last post. I think this current post would have been very similar. I’d write my accomplishments to make me feel a bit better about myself and then write about what I need to do next.

A solution that I always give to people when they’re stressed or sad is to just not dwell on it, think of solutions, and try to move forward by following those solutions. Maybe, it’s not the best advice sometimes, since I’m currently feeling anxious and thinking of solutions doesn’t seem to make my anxiety go away. My heart feels really heavy, I have a bunch of worries right now, and it just feels hard. The thing is though, that advice is pretty much the best advice that I know how to give. Since, truthfully, I’m typically not stressed or anxious or sad too often. So when a person is typically alright or happy, then it becomes more difficult to relate to someone that’s struggling. I guess if I had to give advice to myself to comfort someone in the future, then I really gotta think about what would I want to hear right now. I think if I did hear solutions to my problems, then it’ll help me a bit more knowing things can be solved, and my problems are temporary. It would also be nice to be able to talk to someone and vent and just get all the emotions out. It definitely is not good to keep things in. I guess that’s why I’m writing this here to just emotionally vent and hopefully feel better.

My goals:

I’m really proud of myself for all that I accomplished at my age. I guess I feel that every year that I grow older, the accomplishments become worth a bit less, and expectations just continue to exist. I guess expectations will always exist. Whether you’re 25, 30, 35, 40, 50. There’s set expectations or goals that society or yourself expects. But I guess I should still try my best to appreciate where I’m at and keep striving to be better.

My worries:

There’s a lot of things that I’m worried about right now. I’m worried about Feng Cha in the future. Business is doing okay, but my manager seems to be getting complacent. I’m worried what would happen if he does quit one day and I’m desperately trying to get more employees, but it seems hard right now. It used to be so easy to find employees... I think I’d feel like worried once we hire 2 more employees and hopefully some interested franchisees will manage to find a good location.

My girlfriend woes. Her period is far over a month late. Oct 6 --> November 21st. That’s over a month and 2 weeks. I’ll only feel more relaxed once if I find out if she’s not pregant. It’s not that I don’t see her in my future or don’t want a kid with her. But I’m not at the point in my life where I can support a kid. I’m still struggling to support myself here and I’m not ready for responsibilities like that. I’m not sure how she feels about a kid, but she is the woman that I love. I don’t want to force her to get an abortion or anything. I just can’t imagine the stress of trying to raise a child would be like. I’m just not ready yet. I’m not even ready to get married yet. I think that maybe 5-6 years from now, when I’m hopefully more financially secure, then that’ll be fine. I guess if I had to imagine worst case scenario, then she is pregnant, and she wants to keep the kid. I’m sure my parents and her parents would try to take care of the kid. But the problem is, I’m not ready. I’m still a lazy young fuck and not as mature as I should be to be a dad. I truly do believe that I will be a good dad in the future. But I am far from that right now, since I’m still busy working on myself. Michelle is still working on herself too. If I think about the dad that I want to be. I want to be present. I want to be able to teach my kid to not be a picky eater. I want to be a good role model that my kid can learn from. I want to be financially stable to give him the life that I want my kid to have. I want my kid to be able to learn music, learn art, learn any sport they want, pursue whatever life career choice they want, and just be happy. I don’t want to be in a bad place in my life that I feel forced to push my kid towards a certain direction, so that they can provide for me or because I don’t have it. “It” sounds vague, but I guess I’m refer to sucess. I know deep down that money does not always equal happiness. But it gives you security to worry about other things in life. But I do admit that lots of problems does go away, if you do have money. It sucks that the world is a bit like that, but it is how it is. I accepted that and I feel like I’m a slave to money. I just hope that my kid one day won’t be like that. I’m not saying that I don’t want my kid to be wealthy. But I just want my kid to be able to pursue whatever they want. If they want to be a starving artist or a poor teacher or whatever, then they’re at least pursuing their dreams. I’m sure any choice comes with hardships even careers with a lot of money potential (entrepeneur) does. But I just felt like when I was younger, I never really had a choice in someways. I never got to life truly free, being able to make the decisions that I personally want to make. I do have a lot of autonomy and I have been able to live the way I want to live decently as of right now. But there’s lots of people that count on me. I guess as you get older, you start to shoulder more and more responsiblitiles. Whether it’s from your friends, family, lovers, coworkers, or just from yourself. I guess that’s the hard part about being an adult. You’re able to make more decisions for yourself compared to when you’re younger, but you also shoulder the responsibilities of those decisions, since there’s a lot of people that count on you/rely on you. Sometimes I think that in a different life, I could just drop everything and just move somewhere like Thailand, and just live a stressfree life by myself full degen. I know deep down that’s just a cop out from not being able to succeed though. In reality, I just wish my current lifestyle would just be successful. I kinda dragged this on a lot that the next paragraphs don’t make as much sense, since I went back to this after writing the following. But this is just to vent my feelings anyways.

Finances. We’re not doing terrible in terms of finances, but we’re not doing great. I’m trying to get an ecommerce brand up and running to hopefully generate some income. I tend to dream big, but god damn do I wish this could be really successful. I’m trying hard to get new ways of passive income like maybe teaching Kelvin to refund and collecting a small royalty %. I’m also trying to get good at day trading, so that hopefully I can be financially stable through that. If I can get really really good, then maybe I could consistently be making $1k+ days. If I could one day get to that level, then fk I’d be set. If I could somehow monotize and create my own course/signal group, then damn that would be great. I just need more sources of income. I just want enough money to be able to support myself, support my family, and support my friends/loved ones in general. 

I guess to sum up my worries, then I’m worried about finances, relationships, and just my career in general. I guess that’s almost every aspect of life besides health. I just feel stagnant in terms of career (Feng Cha progress). I’m worried about my finances, but it does seem like it has potential to get better. I just need to put in more work. I will put in more work starting tomorrow. As for my relationship, it could be solved with a simple test. I’m just worried the test could really change things if the results aren’t what I want it to be. I do feel a bit better venting all my stress out on here. It’s a lot better than just kind of ignroing it, feeling anxious, and never addressing the issues. Writing has always been theraputic to me. I guess as an only child and someone that’s typically alone, then this blog is kind of like the only person I can talk to. Toxic masculinity is real. I feel like I have to portray a strong front to everyone. Yes, I can be vulnerable at times. But I put on a strong front most of the time, since I don’t want other people to worry. I try to lead as a rolemodel as best I can, since if I’m worried/stress, then other people like my parents or girlfriend would be. But now that I think about it. It’s hard man carrying all that by myself. Maybe I should try to be more vulnerable with my girlfriend. I should call her tomorrow and try to have a heart to heart after the pregnancy scare situation is sorted out. I should talk about how I feel a bit worried sometimes about Feng Cha. I have two interested franchisees, but they can’t sem to find a location. I can’t seem to find a location, and I’m worried about things being stagnant. Everyone, my manager, corporate, and myself needs progress. It gets harder for me to just be sitting still and I can see that from my employees as well. How anxious is it, investing in something, and there doesn’t seem to be any results? I don’t blame anyone for feeling anxious, complacent, or just stressed. I guess I’ve been going off and off about all my concerns, and I do feel a bit better. Let’s do the typical Theo thing and condense stuff to a todo list of solutions.  Solutions: - Figure out pregnancy scare situation.

- Do a late night call, stop shouldering all your burdens by yourself. Be vulnerable with your gf, tell her ur worries about Feng Cha or life in general.

- Study up more on stocks. Get better, try to create another good source of income off this.

- Try to nag dad to location search more. We need to find results. Can’t keep being stagnant.

- Continue working on ecommerce.

- Repost job listing. NEED TO FIND MORE PEOPLE.

I know these solutions are just stuff that I typically do or would do regardless. I guess I have it kinda ingrained in myself that I gotta always fix things. But I have a fairly complacent mindset lately, since things been not too stressful. Although, those things are what I would do. I have to do things with a different mindset. A bit ot positive stress never hurts. I should study up stocks with more urgency, so that I really push myself to be better. I should stop shouldering all the burdens, before I do a periodic breakdown every year around this time. I should continue to nag my dad. I should continue to work on ecom + stocks, so I have more revenue streams. I need to be able to grow one of them to be a back up, incase everything fails one day. That’s my current goal. Feng Cha, I want to progress it, but there doesn’t seem to be too much that I can do right now. It needs to progress by investers finding a location and I can gain passive income through them. 

Fully optistimic end goals:

- GF not pregant and me able to be more vulnerable with her

- Get insane at stocks and able to generate $500-1k+ days off day trading

- Ecom brand starts to pop off, hopefully will be able to exit it one day for a decent sum of money.

- Feng Cha 2nd location found, interested franchisees also find location. Will have passive income from royalty and franchisee fees from them.

- Truly financial independence, most likely being able to do $2k days off stocks on the regular, and hopefully amass a fanbase. How do I get popular as a trader though? Research this, once actually good.

Now that I have these goals. Time to execute with some more intention.

[hellotvv]

My Therapy

This is my therapy. I haven’t wrote here in a long time, since honestly I’ve been in a relatively amazing place. I’ve gotten so many achievements that I’m proud of and younger Theo could only be so extremely happy about. I’m trying to just write to relieve stress and as a way of just getting my feelings out somewhere. I guess I just want to vent, but I don’t want to put anyone through the burden of listening.

I guess I always tell people for advice when they’re sad is just to not be sad. Try to think positively even if it’s hard, even if they’re in a bad place. A lot of people say that’s shitty advice, even though you mean well. I always said that from an amazing place that couldn’t really empathize with the person that’s feeling bad. I guess I should try to take my own advice and try to think of solutions, not dwell on things. So, let’s start off with a list of accomplishments that I’m personally happy about.

Accomplishments that a younger Theo (think 3-4+ years ago) would be so proud of:

- Less picky with food, still a WIP

- Have a beautiful, loving, caring girlfriend that cares and puts in effort into the relationship

- Graduated successfully

- Better understand himself in what he wants to do in the future

- Have a great friend group 

- Got my parents out of some rough rough times

- Got my dream car the Tesla Model 3, dream grail clothing (Saint Laurent Teddy Jacket)

- Own my own business at just 23-24 years old.

- Have people that look up to me and want to work with me

- Have goals for the future

- More confident, mature, and became happier than he was for sure 3-4 years ago

Why I’m stressed right now:

I feel like it’s important to acknowledge my stress or anxiousness in order to come up with solutions to make myself feel better. 

- Not as financially independent as I want to be.

- Business is going well, but may not go well in the future. Managers may quit, too many interpersonal issues, employees are good but so troublesome dealing with them, high turnover rate, small margins for restaurants, and COVID doesn’t really help shit.

- I do know what I really want to do in the future, which is ecommerce. I’m trying hard on my first store and it’s normal to fail for your first store. I’ve never been one to succeed in the beginning anyways. I’ve always been a slow grinder. But it kinda sucks to see it not work out great after putting in so much effort.

Solutions to my stress:

- Accept it. If people quit, they quit, deal with the problems when it arrives. Try my best to find a new manager, train them, and go from there. If employees quit, then try to hire and find new employees. Don’t dwell on things. Don’t be scared of things that haven’t happened, and don’t be scared of things when they happen. Who fking cares if you have to work a couple days more until people are good again. You’ve done it before, and you can do ita gain.

- Try my best to start a 2nd Feng Cha store, get more money that way, and deal with issues when that arrives. But need it to make me more money. More money is the biggest solution to my stress. Need store to do well. I hate how money is the solution to problems, but unfortunately money is something that I’m stressed about. I just want to get to a place where I’m not stressed about money and just worry about other things about life.

- Ecom will hopefully one day become what I do full time. I’ll just try to slowly gain more experience and get better with it! I really think it’s what I want to do right now. I hope it goes well.

- I have to accept that life will always have up and downs. There will ALWAYS be really sad sad things that’ll happen. It’s unavoidable. It’s impossible to be always happy. All you can do is take the good with the bad. There will be many beautiful happy moments that’ll happen in life. Many good memories and many sad/bad ones. That’s just how life is man. Things are never gonna be predictable, things are never always going to be good, there are always going to be things to worry about, be stressed about, and be sad about. Just have to accept it. Try your best to make more good days than bad days. Think optimistically. Life truly will always have more good than bad days if you put in the effort to do so. If you dwell on the bad days, then you’ll just feel bad, and nothing good will come out of it. So get out of your feels, focus on what is controllable, don’t be sad/stressed about what’s uncontrollable or at least try not to be as sad/stressed about it, let out a good cry if you need to, and push on through. You can do this Theo. Please just believe in yourself again. You would NEVER have gotten to where you are today, if you didn’t believe, push through hard times, think of solutions for hard times, were optimistic, and stayed strong. So, stop stressing over uncontrollable things, push through work tomorrow, be optimistic about the future, keep grinding out to be a better person/more successful person, and strive to make more good days in the future.

[hellotvv]

I haven’t touched this website in so long, even though it was at a time a part of my daily life. I’m doing good, just some late night thoughts about regrets. I was watching a podcast and this guy who I respect talks about how he doesn’t really dwell on the past or what he could have done in the past, since it just means they’re unhappy with where they are in life. Also, by dwelling on something you can’t control (the past), you’re just gonna make yourself unhappy, and it’s not productive. I personally been doing that for a long time now, and I think I’ve really matured and became a idk more wise, emotionally stable, happy, confident, and better person overall nowadays. I no longer continuously strive to be some perfect guy. I definitely made enough progress that I’m content with myself for once. Obviously, I could always improve in some aspects, but who I am as a person, I’ve grown to love and be content with. I’m happy nowadays and 2018 probably one of the best years of my life. No complaints whatsoever, and 2019 is looking fine so far. It’ll be hard to top 2018, but we’ll see how 2019 goes haha. 2019 will probably bring forth lots of transitioning periods in my life, and we’ll see where life takes me. This was the first year where I had no New Years resolutions actually in a while. I felt like i accomplished whatever 2017 goals I had in 2018, and yeah... I’m just at a good place in life nowadays. I’ve kind of stopped using social media as much, or at least browsing it, since idk I think it can be pretty toxic. Comparing your life to other people, seeing what you’re missing out, or don’t have or just comparing in general isn’t the healthiest all the time. Like I think Instagram is fine for art, business, etc, but I feel like some other people use it to fill some void they have. I know I did when I used to actively shoot and shared my photos. But I don’t really have any voids to fill anymore. I have good friends, a good girlfriend, and life hasn’t given me too much to complain about lately. I’m just kinda trying to live my best life and enjoy it :) Anyways, this will prob be last blog post for who knows when. Hopefully tumblr will somehow still be around, so maybe I could leave a random blog post to make stuff kind of like a time capsule. I haven’t looked back at old posts, since they’re probably really cringe and sad, and I’ve definitely grown a lot since then. No more sad boy Theo lmao. I’ve been a pretty happy guy past two years, I’d say, and matured with age. I’m looking forward to how I continue to develop as a person throughout 2019, and hope 2019 will treat me well!

[hellotvv]

Brief Update Post Spring Break

Sometimes when times are good, you forget to write. I mostly wrote when I’m in very polarized emotional states anyways.

- Christmas was great. I remember after Christmas, Michelle and I, exchanged Xmas presents. Her gifts were very thoughtful and sweet, and she loved my gifts too. I probably gave her the best gifts that I’ve given someone so far.

- Spent New Years together and had a NYE kiss at OMFG! in SD! And had a nice winter break together afterwords.

- Once school year started, Michelle and I, basically became inseparable lol. Kind of like Kristy and Jessica, Rebecca and Ben, etc. It was a great winter quarter honestly. Studied together, woke up next to each other, slept together every single night, and probably spent way too much time together... Took turns driving each other to class every day and picked each other up. Cooked together, baked together, tried new places together, played Mario kart together, watched shows together, went to concerts together, hung out with friends together, went to yelp elite events together and pretty much did everything together.

- Valentine’s Day was great as well, all her gifts were thoughtful, she liked mine, and had a great dinner together!

- Honestly it’s April now, and we’ve been together for a while now. It’s actually insane how we never even fought this entire quarter/year together. We’ve legit been with each other every single day, and somehow not annoyed at each other or hate each other or had fights. I know there’s always a honeymoon phase, but damn not even a single fight or something? Obviously I don’t expect that to continue forever, but especially when you’re with someone almost 24/7 for 4 months straight... You’d think some conflict would arise? Idk I guess our personalities, hobbies, and relationship philosophies just go well together!

- Besides my relationship with Michelle, I did pretty good in school this quarter, which makes me very happy. I’ve had a chill spring break just now, and am looking forward to this next quarter together with Michelle/friends/etc. My birthday is coming up and I’m turning 22, and hopefully this birthday will be great. Honestly it’s been a while, since I’ve had a great great birthday. Last year was good definitely, but I feel like this year could be amazing. This year has been the first year that I didn’t make New Years resolutions, not because I didn’t want to improve myself or anything, but I just feel happy and content with life...

- New hobbies like cooking and baking, still into hip hop a lot, still going to concerts and new food places with a Michelle, I am a yelp elite starting this year so going to yelp elite events has been cool, did a clothing brand photo shoot, couple photo shoots with models recently, been spending time with good groups of friends, and I just feel balanced with my interests/school/friendship. The only thing I’d love to improve on is fitness still. I was honestly on point before Michelle and I officially dated, but damn does she make it hard to diet and work out LOL. She loves to snack and eat, which makes me feel like eating. When I think I shouldn’t eat/don’t want to eat as much to diet, she makes/tells me to eat 😭 I swear dieting is impossible with this girl with me every day.... I really need to setup a week where I don’t listen to Michelle and just seriously diet! 😔

- A lot changed I suppose this year. Definitely definitely feel like I’m more mature, some more wisdom and experiences under my belt. I just want this year to continue to be great and I’ll try my best to keep it good! Am happy and been happy!

[hellotvv]

Brief Life Update

When life’s going good, it’s kinda hard to feel motivated to post sometimes. I guess I want to leave a brief summary here to maybe remember when times get tough that I had some great times so far.

- After New Years and starting new quarter, Michelle and I, pretty much spend time 24/7 every day lol... Probably too much time together, but I think we’re kinda just used to it/used to spending all this time together. She sleeps over every day, and honestly rarely ever have any conflict. You’d think being together with someone every day 24/7, you’d run into conflict or fights. But nope, and it’s still been fun. We drive each other to class, go out to new food places together, bake together, watch tv shows together, cuddle, go to sleep together, etc. Good times.

- Got Yelp Elite 2018! Finally got Yelp Elite. I’ve always wanted it, but kinda been lazy to get it. It’s really cool now that I finally got it, and going to Yelp Elite events have been really cool. Free food + drinks + things. The Yelp Elite ice skating event was fun, I forgot that ice skating could be really fun. Definitely need to go ice skating again.

- Been hanging out with the usual friend group a lot, and now that we’re all 21+ it’s fun going downtown on Thursday nights and being degens. It’s nice having Brent/Henry to play smash and grab food with. It’s also fun hanging out with Kristy, Jessica, Ben, Rebecca, Lindsay, Amy, Harrison, Andrew, Tuan, etc in the other group as well. It’s cool that Michelle became friends with my friends, and we all hang out together. I’ve gotten Brent/Henry to hang out with my other friend group of Rebecca, Ben, Harrison, etc and they all get along/fun times. 

- Been learning to cook a lot as of lately! Learned to cook steak, home potatoes, kale, etc. Been baking cookies, cinnamon buns, brownies, etc for fun too. It’s cool that Michelle knows how to cook and bake really well, and I can learn from it. 

- Went to Erika’s 22nd bday party with Michelle, Rebecca, Kristy, Jessica, and Kai. It was at the G12 lounge in LA, and it was a fun Saturday night. We all took pictures together, and they’re cute. Met Josh, who’s a big fan of my photography. Kinda crazy that someone I don’t know at all, but is a fan of my photography work is friends with Erika and surprisingly knows Michelle too. Small world yo. Kinda funny that he texted me the next day saying that we should hang haha. #bigfan

- School’s been going good this quarter. Not incredibly stressful, slightly busy with lots of writing since doing all my last writing GEs now. But can’t complain. Idk life’s just been chill and having good times with Michelle every day keeping me happy/stress free-ish.

- Photography slowed down as of lately. But just been busy with school, spending time with gf, hanging out with SB friends a ton, haven’t been home for a weekend since quarter started, and just frankly can’t find the time to shoot :/... Idk when I’ll be really free to shoot, but hopefully one of these days I can get back on the grind. Honestly tho, I kinda got into photography to meet new people. I’ve done so and became great friends with tons of my models, but I’m just in a happy good place nowadays that I don’t really feel inspired to shoot. Yeah, I do photography for artistic expression too. But idk, when I have good friends to hang out with, a cute gf, and already made friends back home. I just don’t feel as inspired compared to 2017 Theo that in some ways didn’t have as much.

- For life goals or even 2018 goals. I actually didn’t have any New Years Resolution this year. Since for the first time in maybe two years, I just feel kinda content and happy in a lot of ways. Good friends to hang out with or party with or clubbing with, picked up cooking/baking, got into more music, go to concerts for my favorite artists (from hip hop concerts to edm), have a cute gf to spend time with, Yelp Elite 2018, have a happy Valentine’s Day to look forward to (happy that my milestones with Michelle have all been good so far from Xmas gift exchange, New Years at OMFG + New Years kiss, Monthaversary, etc), school going well, have some plans for next year, feel accomplished in some ways in terms of photography + ig, and idk. Idk what more I want right now. I mean being more successful in school, being even more fit (been diet bois for a while), and maybe more success post college would be nice. But they’re all like long-term goals, and damn. I just feel like this has been a nice change from my post last year where I wanted to make 2017 the best year ever. Since, I feel like towards in the end of the year, in some ways the year did became one of the best. As for this year, so far it’s been genuinely great. So yay, happy blog post! Hope things continue well! Understandably, some rough times will be inevitable. But it doesn’t make the year bad as a whole, and I just gotta remember that there are great times ahead like right now. So stay positive if you’re sad Theo and reading this! Anyways, that’s all for now.

[hellotvv]

I think that toward the end of 2017, my life got really good. I’m happy and been happy for a while now. Maybe I have to thank Michelle some for it. But I’m happy of how I’ve matured as a person. I’ll always think there’s stuff for me to improve on, but I’m content for right now. This year, I didn’t make any New Years resolution. Since idk, I’m just happy and content with life. I’m pretty blessed in many ways, and the goals I have are just continuation of things last year. I’ll make 2018 an even better year for sure! I’m ready to have a happy year :) I’m sure there will be some tough and sad times, but if by the end of the year, I think it’s a good and happy year. Then, I think I’ll achieve my goal. Toward the end of 2018, I got a new gf, went to Louis the child, went to omfg, made lots of happy memories with gf, spent a week straight with her from morning till night, then another 5 days for nye, got my first New Years kiss, exchanges Xmas presents and got really really thoughtful gifts from Michelle, and I’m just happy with everything. I hope 2018 will be great! I’ll try my best to better myself, I’ll treat my friends and loved ones well, and make the most out of this last school year with some of my friends

[hellotvv]

Past the heated moments this morning. This X-mas Eve has been really good. Chatted with bae, had a nice dinner with family, got gifts, and it’s nice seeing cousins again after not seeing them for a while.

Random late night thoughts:

After getting into a serious relationship and no more casual dates/stuff with girls. It’s a bit diff after a whole year or so of being single. There’s a lot of positives to being in a relationship, and I’m looking forward to next year together! Something that scares me a little bit though is falling for her. Obviously I like her a lot, she likes me a lot, etc. Who knows if or when feelings of love will happen. But honestly, I’m a bit scared of having REALLY strong feelings for someone. Since the more you care, the harder it will be to let go, and you’re more likely to get hurt. I feel like I could have a big heart and truly care a lot at times, and I really try for my S.O. But my biggest fear is just getting hurt by them. Not to say I’m not guilty of hurting my exes in the past. Which I’m sorry for, and it sucks that I did so... But I haven’t hurt Michelle at all yet, and I hope I don’t do so. For me tho, I just don’t wanna get hurt. I just feel like, the only way to not get hurt is to care less... But it seems wrong to just try to care less about someone special and probably not possible to do so... 

Idk. Just random thoughts. Just a bit worried about getting hurt in the future :/ 

[hellotvv]

Some of my biggest pet peeves:

- People that say they’ll do something, but never do it or won’t do it/can’t do it.

- People that expect something from me or expects me to do x thing for them, but wouldn’t do the same for me. Gonna quickly expand on this, since this really annoys me. Look, I’m willing to go out of my way for people, do kind gestures, and etc. But if the people that expects these things from me, and won’t repay the favor/do the same back. Then ofc, I’d be upset. Unless you’re family, it’s not always going to be a one way street. 

- People just take that shit for granted, don’t appreciate it, don’t recognize the effort/sacrifice it takes for me to do certain things for them. I know this sounds general. But holy fk, do I go out of my way countless times for people. I think Brent feels me on this. Sometimes we go out of our way for ppl, and they’ll just find some dumb excuse to justify i like no big deal. I would list specific examples, but now’s not the time. But people that don’t recognize someone’s sacrifices/effort they put in to do kind gestures, smh. People that downplay them are even worst. 

- This is common, but damn do I hate being lied to. 

- Shitty sorries or people that can’t apologize. Can’t apologize or not recognizing when to apologize is probably the worst. Shitty sorries is the next worst thing. Just saying sorry, does not mean shit to me personally. Sorry could mean so many diff things. I’m sorry for getting caught. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings. I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sorry that you found something wrong with what I did. Like idk wtf sorry mean. Hypothetically someone idk got caught doing something wrong, are you sorry that I’m hurt, are you sorry about your action, are you sorry you got caught, are you sorry because I’m upset, etc. When I get into a fight/argument with someone. If I’m at fault, I learned nowadays at least (maybe not so much in the past) to realize that people can’t control how they feel. If I did something that I think was fine/wasn’t in the wrong/good intentions/whatever, but the other person is upset or hurt. Then it’s still my fault. A lot of people would just make excuses and try to gain sympathy by justifying their actions. But I realized it doesn’t mean shit to the victim most of the time. At the end of the day, they’re still hurt/sad/upset/whatever. So I learned to just apologize for my actions, maybe briefly explain why if it helps them understand where I’m coming from, and explain very clearly that I’d try my best not to repeat the same mistake. Even if I don’t think that I did anything wrong, I’d do all that, AND try to make it up to them. God, I hate people that just make excuses for their actions and MAYBE give a sorry. Making excuses just shows me that you’re being defensive trying to make yourself not look bad, trying to somehow gain sympathy by being a victim, not as willing to take responsibility, and etc. Like if I broke someone’s leg hypothetically, the last thing I’m gonna do is try to make excuses. If I care about the person, I’d focus on them and their needs, how to make it up to them, and etc. Idk just my personal beliefs on how apologies should work. Everyone has their own ideas ofc.

- Actions > Words. I learned that the hard way throughout times. Honestly fk thank you’s/whatever nice words. I’m not saying never to say them. it’s just, ANYBODY could say that. If someone is nice and treats me out to dinner for example, obv I’ll say thank you, they didn’t have to, but I appreciate it/etc. But I don’t just leave it at that. I SHOW my appreciation by doing the same back to them. Some of my best friends are the people who actually repay kindness with kindness rather than just words. I’ve heard so many sweet words throughout the years from people. This is only a pet peeve, since I hate it when people think they show their appreciation well through just words only. It is nice, but honestly words are meaningless. I could tell people I’m going to be the next president, I’m going to do x, and x and x. But if I don’t actually do it or show that I’m going to do it. Then the words are meaningless in that sense.

- People that just take, take, and take. I know it’s similar to something I listed above. But damn, it’s diff for taking someone for granted. These people knowingly continuously ask their friends/etc for constant favors. It’s beyond not appreciating someone enough/not recognizing their sacrifice. It’s legit using people. 

- There’s probably more, but that’s it for now. Just a bit heated and wanted to just write about things that upset me. Some of these reasons aren’t even why I’m upset rn, it’s just things I come up with/recognize makes me upset and want to write about it. 

[hellotvv]

I can see why relationships get easier the older you get. Obviously this is not always the case, but I’d like to think a majority of the time they can be easier. Since as you get older, you become more mature, know what you want, know what you don’t want/dislike, learned from past relationship mistakes, etc...

With Michelle, it’s cool that she notices the stuff that I do for her. I’ve always thought that I had a lot to offer as a bf/SO, and that I knew how to treat a girl well. I’ve definitely improved over the years too, so it’s nice that she notices. She notices that I teach and show her a lot of new things. I’ve introduced her to more hip hop artists, more edm artists too, tons and tons of new food/drinks places in OC/SB/LA, my hobbies like photography and photo editing, some music production stuff, games (even tho I don’t really play games nowadays), got her new friends, invite her to parties/hangouts/concerts/dinner with friends, etc. I guess since she does have previous relationship experiences, she’s dated nice sweet guys, some fkbois, and In between. So when she’s finally dating me now, she really appreciates the stuff that I do for her! Like I plan all our dates, surprise her with where we’re going (she’s loved all the places), treat her a huge majority of the time, I get into her hobbies (becoming a yelp elite, more into edm, etc), take her to fancy restaurants occasionally for dates, drive her a majority of the time, take her to class/pick her up from class, help her with writing her essays (even got an A on the paper), help her with homework occasionally, was down to drive 5+ hours for her lol, win her plushies at round 1, and so much more. Idk it’s just cool she notices and appreciates it, and she admits that damn I’m like here and other guys are like there. She notices the difference, since she’s dated several guys in the past! I guess I pride myself on trying to be a sweet boy, try to provide for my SO, improve their quality of life, introduce them to new things, and make cool memories together. It’s just nice being recognized and appreciated! Something that I try to do that she likes is kinda being forward and aggressive in bed too. Like I always initiate, uh can be rough and passionate from hair pulling, choking, dirty talk, etc. So I’m not simply a boring sweet boy :)

Overall, just appreciative of her rn, and hope things continue to go well!

[hellotvv]

Alright, I get that she’s my gf and all. But damn, I’m starting to like her a lot nowadays... We’ve spent pretty much every day for 3 weeks straight together. Whether it’s hanging out in SB or even this past week in the OC area, where she stayed at my place for an entire week, it’s been really fun tbh. I think it’s really cool that we could spend legit a whole week together, from morning to night, sleeping and waking up next to each other, and still not be bored/hate each other guts/still want to spend even more time with each other. I definitely agree that time away/time apart is good and healthy, and should be a big thing. It might even be unhealthy to spend all your time together tbh. Maybe it’s the honeymoon phase or whatever. But it’s really cool rn that we could spend so much time together and every day is fun/great :) I really hope things continue like this. Anyways, this next two weeks apart until we see each other again for OMFG is going to a bit hard, since I’m so used to seeing her and having her every day. I miss her a lil and it’s only day one lol... Let’s see how this next two weeks goes

[hellotvv]

I’m happy, but I’m not satisfied. Is it ever possible to be completely satisfied with someone? Is it possible for my personality and idk the way I view life to just be content? I always want more and want something that may just never be possible to obtain. Nobody is perfect, but I keep wanting this perfect someone... Wanting more and never getting it is probably what leads to sadness and anger, and ruining stuff.

I guess it sucks, but... Idk. I am happy, I do have a good time with my new gf, and it feels like I just want more from her. But what I want is like, prob just not her personality to be able to do so? Like you can’t say you love McDonald’s and go to McDonald’s willingly and expect them to have pizza. Like you knew what you were getting into, you did the research, you’ve eaten at McDonald’s numerous times, and then just get upset since they don’t have something that you want, that you already knew they didn’t have...

Ugh I hate myself for basically doing that, but I can’t control how I feel, and someone prob can’t control how they naturally are. Like I’m blessed that I have a gf that is with me every single day, makes an effort to pay too, appreciates me a lot,enjoys spending time with me, is always down to have sex whenever I want, and has a lot of other good qualities. But I just wish she was more direct and more lovey dovey, and takes the initiative to do things with me idk. She’s just very passive, which I’ve always known and simply complaining about something I already knew. I highly doubt I can change this really, since it’s kind of who she is. But damn if she could just be less passive, more lovey dovey, and etc I’d be even happier

[hellotvv]

Sometimes I feel like messaging my ex and being friends again. Sometimes I think too much time has passed to randomly hit her up and be friends again. Since she prob doesn’t really care or think about it anymore. Idk as I get older, I start to cherish my old friendships more. I was really good friends with her before ever dating, and it always sucks losing a good friend. But idk if I’ll ever find the courage to randomly say hi and put myself out there. But hopefully one day, we could be friends and talk again...

[hellotvv]

Another week of pretty much sleeping over/spending every day together. Idk… Every day is just so fun with her :( Maybe it’s the honeymoon phase or something. But every day is fun with her even though we’ve just been studying for our respective exams lol.

kinda interesting how we’re doing pretty mundane things or stressful stuff like studying, but it’s just nice with her around. Like damn for the past two weeks, we’ve been hanging out every day and she’s been sleeping over nonstop. Yet I’m not bored at her at all. Like sometimes I want alone time to do things, but with her. Idk I just like being with her and spending time with her, and obv she feels the same to be hanging out with me this much. It’s just nice having someone that enjoys spending this much time with me, and it’s nice having someone that I enjoy spending this much time with

[hellotvv]

She’s been sleeping over since Tuesday night lol. Honestly it’s really nice spending time with her. There’s some cool parts about her that I really appreciate, and some parts I don’t haha. But nobody is perf. Something I really like about her is that she’s really good at conversing with me. I like to think I can hold a conversation really well, but she is pretty good at keeping it up too. I really appreciate how she always invites me to events with her, and appreciates the things I do for her. I take her to almost a new nice food place each time, it’s always an adventure, I show her new things and new places in general, take pretty pics of her, treat her out, and etc. We’re not officially dating or anything, but she told me that I treat her the best out of all her past ~5 guys she’s been with. Especially compared to her recent ex lol. Idk it’s nice being appreciated. Since I legitimately go out of my way for ppl, capable of making sacrifices, like to plan new things to do all the time, try to maintain convos and attraction, etc. She notices and appreciates it, tries to drive me, treat me to things, and enjoys spending lots of time with me. I’m sure some girls would be sick of sleeping over from Tuesday - Saturday lol nonstop. But she always thinks damn good day, thinks it’s really fun spending time with me, is fun to party with, and appreciates the things I do! Idk this past week has been really nice. I hope we’ll have more cool, fun adventures together.

[hellotvv]

Lol, I wonder if this is how my ex felt a long time ago? Damn ppl playing games, and tbh I prob kinda was playing games. Since I knew that she liked me, but I didn’t necessarily know if I wanted to commit or not. Now, uhhh idk if it’s exactly the same. Since idk if Michelle and I will date or anything. But I’d like to know how she feels about us seeing other people, like is that okay or not. I asked her if it’s okay if I had sex with other girls, and she says I can, but it’ll hurt her feelings. So I’m like oh, I guess I shouldn’t.

The thing is, man idk. Idk how I feel about relationships rn. I’ve been single for a while now, ofc I messed around with girls the past year. But from it, it’s like idk if I necessarily want a LTR right now? Maybe my mind will change from a special someone, but it’ll take quite a bit to make me want a LTR at this time in my life. It has to be with someone that I know we can last long-term, have a future together, and that I genuinely enjoy hanging out with. But most importantly, someone who really enjoys spending a lot of time with me. Like I 100% understand hanging out with friends/etc. Like no shit, I’ve gotten a shit ton of friends that are hitting me up to hang nowadays. I actually wish I had more time to actually hang out with all my model friends, hs friends, sb friends, and etc. But the uh clingy boi in me kinda just like spending a lot of time with my SO. Idk Kristy and Jessica legit spend all their time together, and I don’t necessarily want that. But a couple times a week would be nice with a SO. So I definitely need a SO that enjoys spending a good amount of quality time with me. Something I like about Michelle tho, is she really takes the effort to treat me to things/offers to drive/etc. Something my ex never did was, when she found out about cool concerts and shit, she never really make plans with me. Like Kaskade was one of my fav edm artists back then, and she made Kaskade plans with her cousin and bought her ticket and everything. Then weeks later after tickets are sold out, she invites me to go join her lol. Then I have to go through the trouble of paying more $$$ for resale tickets just to join her. Same with some other events that she ended up going to. Michelle even tho we’re not even dating, she links me to events like OMFG in San Diego/etc, Armnhmr in SF and actually invites me/make plans with me. Idk it’s diff and really nice. I mean, I’m hella fking down person. I went to Odesza with her in SB recently last last week on Tuesday, and we decided spontaneously the day of LOL and bought tickets only 1 hour before the event started. Also I went to SF with her for Armnhmr and stayed at her place for an entire weekend. I just think it’s cool having plans made with me, rather than just kinda invited to join her plans. Also being driven around/being treated/her actively trying to pay or at least split the bill is nice. The only annoying part is she likes to read texts and reply hella late lol, she’s a bit bad at flirting too, and isn’t too direct with things. But yeah, idk what’s going on with me and her. Feels like since Michelle isn’t too direct, it feels like she’s playing games. But then I have to play games too by replying late, making her jelly, and etc and it’s a bit annoying lol. Wouldn’t it be nice if we’re both direct? Idk, I guess we’ll just chill and see where things go.

[hellotvv]

Wow have things progressed. 

[hellotvv]

Damn, things have really progressed over this past weekend with Michelle. I don’t wanna recap everything since so many things happened. I’ve seen her every day this entire week.

Tuesday - spontaneously went to Odesza together. Was a great concert, fun, moved in for a kiss and got it. Went to Seven to share food + drinks after, got a good night kiss when she left my car

Wednesday - met up to watch The Flash at night together. Then we edited photos together. I think I cuddled up with her slightly while watching The Flash. Uhm, planned to drive to class the next day together.

Thursday - didn’t walk her to class this time, but got a hug before splitting off! I think after my anthro class, I went to buy latte from Coral Tree Cafe. She saw me randomly there, and I said bye after I got my drink since she also had class soon.

Friday - great day tbh. I picked her up around 10ish for OC weekend adventure, then went to the Attic together. She really liked the food, liked the presentation, and liked the drink she bought. Her drink was pretty good tho. Afterwards, we chilled at my house for a little bit. I think in my bed, we cuddled a little bit and got a little kissy action. Afterwards, went to 7 leaves drive through, and went shopping at South Coast Plaza. After that, we went to kitakata ramen with Cat, and Michelle really liked both the fried chicken and ramen. Then, I realized that I forgot my condoms at SB... I was planning to sneak to Albertsons to buy them, but homie Cat hooked me up with 2 condoms. We dropped off Cat, then went to Round 1 for fun. We worked together and won a seal plushie, played some games, got some photos together at photobooth, and had a great time together. At night, we cuddled and watch The Flash together, then uh makeout sesh, and nearly had sex. Then we ended up talking, since she was a curious girl and asked many questions till like 6 AM.

Saturday - woke up, cuddled a bit, went to Cafe Maji, and she thought the place was cute. Then went to a pumpkin patch that had hello kitty! Was very cute, took photos of her, and some photos together. Then we went to eat at Vox Kitchen together, which is near my house. Oh, I forgot to mention she bought clothes several times like at South Coast Plaza yesterday and at a thrift shop during wait for Vox Kitchen. Vox Kitchen’s food was soo good, and she really enjoyed her food too. She loved every place I took her to so far. Then we went drinking at The Past Memories with my friends Cat and Jenn. We drank soju, and had a good time. At night, was pretty tired, but managed to cuddle, make out, found out she was weak to neck kisses, and then banged for first time.

Sunday - woke up, went to roasting waters since she’s never been before, got Cauldron ice cream which she enjoyed, then went to Irvine Spectrum to walk around together. We held hands :O, got honey and butter, she bought clothes at garage, and then left to go to Perch. I made a reservation at Perch at 5 PM, the restaurant was very nice, great view, got filet mignon while she got steak frites, and got two drinks. It was a nice dinner, she said it was a great date weekend, and honestly the weekend was amazing. I really had a lot of fun with her tbh. Then we walked around to Grand Central Market(?) which has eggslut, and walked around holding hands. Then we stopped by some korean market, so she could buy kimchi haha. I bought some soju and sake~ On the way back to SB, it was really nice too actually. I was holding her hand during the long car ride, and it was just nice being with her. Chloe was using the room uhhh, so Michelle needed to kill time. So we went to my place, chilled, edited some photos, and cuddled + kissed a bit + I realized that I get to freely grope her and it’ll be ok LOL. Dropped her off at her place around midnight, and she said she had fun :)

Monday - ended up studying at my place together at night. It got late, she was super sleepy, so managed to get her to sleepover. We cuddled, made out a lot, had sex, and gave each other hickeys lol...  Then we slept pretty late at like 4 AM or something. 

Tuesday - We woke up at like 9 AM, since she had to go back to her place for maintenance to come. Then I picked her up at her place pretty much an hour after seeing her, since we were going to class together. I walked her to class holding her hand, and then kissed good bye. Wow much progress lol. Then we were texting/snapchatting a bit, and ended up getting dinner together. She tried to pay for me, but I didn’t let her. After dinner together, I dropped her off and we held hands in the car, then kissed good bye. Made plans to study together next time, while she’s in super isolated study mode for her big 50% of her grade midterm. Now, it’s late, I’m about to sleep. Idk I feel like I’m falling for her. I’m a bit worried if we’ll ever last long term, but I guess not all relationships need to last long term. I should just enjoy my time with her now, and whatever happens happens. Hopefully I’ll spend more time with her this week. A bit scurry falling for someone ;o