#I made this meme a week ago and it's been sitting on my desktop

[minghaosmilfshirt]

Dk’s foot was used for this shitpost to uphold established seventeen lore (not brushing his teeth either)

#I made this meme a week ago and it's been sitting on my desktop #looking at me every time I open my laptop #the execution def could be better but this is the best I can do #Stream BSS's new song Fighting tomorrow! #support our troops #BSS #seventeen #Dk #dokyeom #seventeen meme #Disclaimer: this meme was made for entertainment purposes only and does not reflect the stinkiness of Dk's real foot at any given time #nor is the author claiming that Dk is stinky in general #this post was made possible by viewers like you #thank you

[strawberrymilkgeorge]

Part Six. Movies and Speedruns

warnings: swearing, many memes word count: 3.8k (not including pictures) (wow okay ash pop off!) 

behind the screen (irl!dream x f!reader) series masterlist ultimate masterlist

A/N: LETS ALL JUST AGREE TO NOT LOOK AT THE DATES ON TWEETS AND STUFF BC SOME CHAPTERS ARE SO SCUFFED WITH DATES!!!! JUST KNOW THIS STORY STARTS MID NOVEMBER!!!!!!!! (in a world where covid doesn’t exist btw)

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Unknowingly and unintentionally, Y/n let out a big sigh as she poured a glass of water.

"What's wrong, Y/n?" Naomi asked gently, coming up behind her and hugging her tightly.

"Peter."

Naomi hummed, a sign that she was waiting for Y/n to lead the conversation so she could follow because if it were up to Naomi, she would immediately start trash-talking Peter and she wasn't sure if that was the vibe right now or not.

Y/n shook her head in disbelief as she jumped up to sit on the counter. "He got so mad when he found out I slept over at Karl's."

"I'm sorry, Y/n. I wish you would just cut him off completely."

"I don't know. I know I should but... part of me wonders if he could ever go back to how he was when I met him. I would probably date that guy again but not who he turned out to be."

Naomi looked horrified. "No. You sound like you're considering hearing him out. No, is that a joke? He's a bad person."

"I'm not," Y/n reassured. "I'm just thinking hypothetically. Probably because I miss having someone..."

"Y/n, you have a ton of thirsty people in your mentions. If you really want someone that bad, just scroll through, land on one and I bet they're a million times better than that sack of burned potatoes."

Y/n rolled her eyes but smiled lightly. "Most of those are jokes."

"Not all of them," she teased.

"I know you're going to tell me anyway so just say it. Who specifically do you think isn't joking?"

"Dream," Naomi sang.

"Okay, crazy." Y/n reached over, staying seated on the counter as she grabbed a bowl from a cabinet on her left. She then leaned all the way right, reaching as far as she could, but couldn't quite grab a cereal box from the top of the refrigerator.

Naomi rolled her eyes as she helped, handing Y/n the box. She even went the extra step to get Y/n a spoon and the milk because she was that nice. "I'm not joking. Neither is he. Karl and I have talked about it and we both agree."

Y/n paused at her friend's words, her hand hovering over the milk that Naomi held out for her. "You guys gossip about my love life?"

Naomi set the milk next to Y/n, tired of holding it out for her. "Of course? Like we don't do that about Karl? Or you and him about me?"

She couldn't argue there.

"Karl says there's a different vibe from Dream when you join calls and I believe it. I mean, I've seen it during streams myself so I can only imagine how much more obviously in love with you he is during private calls.

"That 'vibe' is Karl's delusional mind creating things. He's too scared to talk to cameragirl so he's projecting onto Dream and I."

"Yeah, okay," Naomi agreed sarcastically.

Y/n huffed. "Besides, he's in Florida. I'm in North Carolina, in case you weren't aware."

"So you're saying if you lived in the same state, you'd date him?"

"I didn't say that." She honestly had never thought of it. Sure she liked hanging out with Dream and her stomach got butterflies when he talked directly to her and he made her smile harder than anyone ever had and he—

And she didn't like him like that. She had only officially met the guy like a week and a half ago and she didn't know what he looked like. There was no way you could catch feelings for someone without seeing them.

Naomi's expression fell again. "Distance doesn't matter, anyway."

"I swear if you say something about George I will slap you," she threatened through a smile and Naomi gave her an innocent grin back.

"If you're lonely, get on Tinder, not Peter. Or get on Dream. I have no qualms with that."

"Peter isn't even an option, Naomi." Y/n sighed, ignoring the comment about Dream.  "Also," she swallowed the last of her cereal and set the bowl down with a clank. "I'm gonna tell Peter I don't want to be friends anymore. Dream and George can be added to the list of Peter haters."

"You talked to them about it?"

She nodded. "You know how I have little gossip sessions with George? Well, Dream was there too this time."

"Well, of course Dream would hate Peter. We've established that he likes you."

"No, no, you and Karl delusionally hypothesized that."

Naomi tapped the counter methodically, a sign Y/n knew to signal that she was thinking hard. "Somehow, one day, I'll prove he does."

"Good luck."

"Wanna watch a movie?"

"Yes," Y/n perked up. "Go pick something, I'll get blankets."

She went to her room, grabbing her favorite cuddling blankets. She started leaving her room when she heard a ding on her open desktop, signaling that she had a call incoming from Discord. Cool timing.

"I'll be just a second, Naomi!" she called across the house before dropping the blankets on her bed and sliding her headset on, answering the call from Dream. "Hi, Dream!" She sat on her chair and tucked her knees to her chest.

"Hi," he greeted sweetly. "How are you doing today?"

"Much better than when we last talked. How are you?"

"Great now that I'm talking to you," he said smoothly. Y/n rolled her eyes but smiled anyway. "Are you busy?"

"Unfortunately, yes. My roommate and I are about to watch a movie."

"Ooh, what movie?"

"Not sure yet. Any suggestions?"

"Dark Knight. Unless you wanted me to say, like, Tangled or something."

"Yeah, girls' night is exclusively princess movies. Do you know nothing?"

"Apparently," he said with a laugh.

"What's up?"

"Oh, well, I was just gonna see if you wanted to be on call later with me, George, and Sapnap while I stream speedruns, but you're hanging out with your roommate so nevermind."

"Oh," Y/n deflated. "That sounds fun."

"I can push it back if you want to be part of it. If not, that's fine. I just thought it would be cool."

"No, no, no I really do want to, but I don't want you to have to push it back. When were you planning on starting?"

"In about an hour."

"I'll just join later if you're still playing. If that's okay that I come late."

"No. You have to be on time or not at all," he joked. "Of course that's fine," he assured. "And if I'm not playing anymore, you can still join... we usually talk for forever after we play games and it's fun. I would, er, we would love for you to hang out with us."

Y/n couldn't help the large smile on her face from staying even after they hung up and she walked back into the living room with her pile of blankets. She couldn't help it even when Naomi pointed it out and asked why she was so happy.

"Oh, uh, I've been invited to join Dream and them later for a stream."

"That vague answer doesn't warrant the shit-eating grin you have."

Y/n shrugged and cuddled more into her blankets. "What movie did you pick?"

*****

As the end credits rolled across the screen, Y/n yawned and looked over to Naomi in the dark. She was out like a light. Y/n stood up and made sure Naomi was covered in the blanket and she had a pillow. She crept back to her room and slid her headphones on, pulling up Discord where she saw the three boys' names still in a voice call.

She pulled up Twitch on her second monitor and looked for Dream's stream. It was already about an hour in. She clicked on it and her headphones echoed with the sound of George and Sapnap laughing like they said the funniest thing in the world.

"Shut up," Dream muttered. "Guys, what were the coords for the portal? Seriously, come on."

"Nobody tell him," George joked.

"George!"

"Where's Bugsyyyy?" Sapnap whined. "I want her to make fun of you with us."

"Half the stuff we're making fun of him for is about his big fat crush on her so..."

"George!" Dream yelled again. "No, it's not!"

Y/n smiled as she heard that, knowing it was a joke but laughing at the way Dream laughed at the accusation. She knew it wasn't serious or else they wouldn't talk about it on stream. George and Sapnap teased a lot, but certainly, they wouldn't out someone's crush in front of a hundred thousand viewers live.

"Oh!" Sapnap spoke out loud as George laughed loudly, both reading the text at the same time. "Speaking of..."

Dream waited for either of the two boys to elaborate but neither of them offered one. "What happened?"

"Bugsy texted us," George said off-handedly, typing a response to her. "She's coming in a second."

"Oh."

"What do you mean 'oh'?" Sapnap laughed.

"You guys have a groupchat?"

"Aw, jealous?" George asked.

Y/n joined at that moment, the first sentence coming from her Discord instead of Twitch being from Sapnap saying, "Would it make you more jealous to know our group name is Bugsy's Boys?"

"No, Sapnap, that's the one with Karl," George corrected. "The one with just you, me, and her is Bugsy's Boyfriends."

"WhAT?"

"I still don't approve of that, by the way," Y/n commented.

"Bugsy!!" Sapnap giggled happily. "You're finally here!"

"BUGSY!" George cheered.

"Hi guys!" Y/n laughed at the enthusiasm she was greeted with. "Hi, Dream!"

There was a few seconds of silence before, "Dream!!" George yelled right before the death screen appeared on the Twitch tab still opened on Y/n's right screen. "You idiot, what are you doing?! Why did you throw that run??"

She covered her mouth with the hoodie collar and laughed. "Off to a great start, bud."

"NO!" Dream yelled, knocking something, or somethings, off his desk. "Noooo! I didn't throw it, George, I FELL! Oh, that was going to be such a good run."

"What happened? How did you miss that huge ravine?" George asked while laughing. "It was literally right in the open. You didn't even try to use your water bucket."

"I-I was... I was distracted."

"By what? The completely open field with nothing blocking your vision?" Sapnap criticized with a laugh as well.

Y/n giggled to herself before letting her eyes trail to his chat, which was filled with the same accusations and guesses.

user5: BUGSY!

user2: DISTRACTED BY BUGSYS VOICE

user4: imagine saying hi so cutely that you make a man fall into a ravine

user1: are they dumb? obviously bugsy saying hi made his brain short-circut

user6: guys stop it wasn't bc she said hi. it was the g i g g l e

user3: DISTRACTED BY BUGSY!!!!

user8: HI BUGSY

user10: how to kill a man: hire bugsy to giggle and say hi directly to him

Y/n immediately blushed and covered her face again. She really had a habit of hiding even when no one could see her.

"Oh my gosh," Dream groaned, leaving the world and starting a new one. "Oh. My. Gosh. That's so annoying. I was doing so good."

"Oh," Sapnap laughed. "I understand now."

"What? What did I miss?" George asked.

"Just read chat," Sapnap explained. "They have the answer. Dream, your chat is so smart. Thanks for solving the mystery, chat!"

"No, they aren't ri— that isn't true!" Dream defended. "Chat, shut up."

"You sure?" Y/n asked teasingly, watching as his character paused when she started talking. Was she really making him this flustered just by talking? Surely not. He was just playing into the joke. He continued playing without saying anything, which made George and Sapnap laugh more.

The subject eventually changed and the atmosphere quickly became more relaxed and chill. Tonight was not a feral night like George had texted in all caps.

"Hey George," Y/n started, biting on her hoodie string with a smile because she knew Naomi would hear this when she watched the VOD the next day. "My roommate says hello."

"Oh my gosh," he muttered, making her laugh. "Let it go."

"Wow, I guess that's one way to treat your fans..."

"Fine," he sighed. "Tell her I say hello."

"Well, not if you don't mean it," Y/n teased.

"Yeah, George, you sound so unenthusiastic?" Sapnap asked.

"He's just flustered," Dream commented. "It's okay George, you can have feelings."

"Dream, you fell into a ravine because Bugsy said hi."

"Oh, come on! That's not—I just— I missed the jump! That's it!"

"I'm not flustered or unenthusiastic, I'm just tired, okay?" George explained, ignoring Dream, a yawn spilling out of him to prove it.

Y/n smiled. "Well, you could always let me give her your number if you really want..."

"No. If she had Discord you could give her that but not my phone number."

"Wait, really?" Y/n gasped. "Seriously?"

George laughed lightly. "Yeah, sure, why not?"

"YES! Okay, a huge win for the girls. Well, a huge loss for the fangirls but a huge win for the girls of this apartment."

"Oh my gosh," he muttered and she could practically see him rubbing his face in embarrassment.

"I'll send you her hashtag when she makes one so you know who to add back."

"She's going to make an account just to talk to George?" Sapnap giggled.

"Yes, dude!" Y/n defended. "She at least wants to be his friend, let her shoot her shot!"

Dream ended the steam soon after, not being able to focus enough to beat the end on any of his runs. He had streamed for just under two hours so he seemed to be getting tired as well. George went to bed soon after and after 20 minutes of talking with Sapnap and Dream, Sapnap mysteriously disappeared.

Y/n was about to leave as well, not wanting Dream to feel obligated to stay on the call with her when he spoke up.

"Does Naomi actually like George?"

"Yeah, she does."

"Then I want him to accept her love."

Y/n laughed. "How is he with long-distance relationships?"

"Well, he and I do just fine..." Dream joked. "Oh, not what you meant. I don't know, you guys are the ones that talk about each other's love lives apparently."

"You're still bitter about that?"

"Yes!"

"Suck it up," she laughed. "Naomi would do probably anything to date him so I doubt distance is a problem for her."

"George's sleep schedule is completely messed up, so the time difference wouldn't matter too much. And when he comes to America they can meet in person."

"Wait, he's coming to America?" Y/n gasped happily. "When?"

"There's no set date, but yeah eventually. He'll probably just come to Florida but we've all talked about having a huge meetup with a lot of our friends."

"Oh... cool..."

"Bug? You know you'd be invited to that, right?"

"Oh, really?" she smiled.

"Of course. You're part of the group now."

"Sick," she muttered to herself, but he heard.

"Bug, you're one of my favorite people, do you know that?"

She blushed. "Really?"

"Really."

"You barely know me, Dream."

"Yeah, well, I know enough to know that I'm sorta attached to you."

"Attached to me? In what way?"

He suddenly sounded nervous as if his brain caught up with what his mouth was saying. "I don't know, nevermind."

"No, Dream, what do you mean?" her voice was soft and understanding and it made him feel safe.

"I just... I don't know. I care about you a lot. We met only, what, like a week or two ago, and I already worry about you a lot. Playing games doesn't feel the same anymore unless you're playing with us."

"To be fair, we have been tweeting at each other for much longer than a week or two."

"Yeah, that's true. But it's not the same as actually talking to you."

She smiled shyly. "I care about you a lot too, Clay." His name sounded strange as if it suddenly made everything much more serious. "Sorry, that just kinda slipped. I won't call you Clay if you don't want me to—"

"No, it's okay, it, uh, I like hearing you... say it. But, uh, you can call me whatever you want."

She smiled widely at the nervousness in his voice and the hard pounding of her heart. "I've heard from multiple people that you never stop talking about me."

He laughed timidly. "Maybe. Do you talk about me?"

"Ask Karl," she giggled. "My guess is yes." Her stomach felt tingly and her hands shook lightly. Why did she feel like this all of a sudden? It was late, she reasoned. That, or it was because Naomi had planted the seed of curiosity in her mind. Did Dream like her? No... right?

"I'm sorry if my chat was making you uncomfortable at the beginning when I died..."

"Don't worry, I wasn't uncomfortable."

"It was true, by the way," he paused, "what they were saying. Just... in case you were wondering."

Y/n couldn't wipe the smile off her face, which was growing painful at this point. "What, my voice makes your brain short-circut? That was one comment I saw."

Dream laughed. "More like your entire presence, but... yeah I guess so."

How is someone supposed to respond to something like that? The sweetness in his voice almost made her sick but in a good way.

And just like when he named her Minecraft flower something sweet knowing that no one would see it, why was he still playing up the joke when no one was around?

Not knowing what to say, she decided to let him in on a little secret. "If it matters, you're one of my favorite people too."

"It does."

There was a deathly moment of tense silence as if both of them were screaming to say something but neither did.

"Basically, if we do have a meet-up, I'll sue you if you don't come."

Y/n laughed. "My pockets are empty, sir, so... good luck."

He laughed and it was music to her ears.

"Are you not nervous to show everyone your face? Like, if or when we do all get together."

"Not really. Especially not if it's just to our friends. Are you?"

"Yeah," she admitted.

"Why?"

She sighed. "I'm sure people have me painted in a specific way in their heads and I've seen fanart of me that is way different and way more attractive than I am. I just don't want to let anyone down by not living up to their expectations."

"Bug," Dream said softly, "you couldn't let anyone down."

"You don't know that."

"You can't disappoint real friends or real fans with the way you look."

"To be clear, Dream," she laughed nervously, afraid she would sound conceited, "I don't think I'm ugly. I like the way I look. I'm happy with me. But that doesn't mean I can't still let people down."

"Different than expected doesn't mean disappointing."

His words smacked her in the gut. He was right. Reality and imagination are very different. Neither has to be better or worse than the other. She could look the complete opposite of how someone expects but that doesn't mean they will be either disappointed OR pleased. And why does it matter anyway? If she likes how she looks, who cares what other people think?

"It's also scary to think of getting recognized in public," she admitted. "Being recognized from the start is one thing because it starts off slowly with only a few people knowing your face but if the first time people see your face is when you have millions of fans, the recognition would be overwhelming."

"That's true. I don't think I would mind that much, though."

"Of course not, you're you."

"What does that mean?"

"You like the spotlight."

"I guess. Not all the time."

"Well, what about you?" she asked. "Are you afraid of people knowing what you look like?"

"No. I want to do a face reveal soon but I don't know how I would do it. I want to do it at some kind of event or something but I don't know."

"I need to schedule around when you do it because you'll break the internet. Give us content creators a warning so we can prepare to not get viewers for a week."

Dream laughed. "Oh come on."

"Twitter would just be full of the same picture of you in every single tweet."

"It won't be that big of a deal."

"Something tells me your millions and millions of subs say otherwise."

"Whatever," he said. "As if you wouldn't break the internet too."

"Maybe for a day or two. But you'd break everything for weeks."

"Sure." There was a long pause before Dream softly said, "Karl's lucky."

"How so?"

He didn't speak for a moment, almost like he wasn't prepared for that question because he didn't mean to be heard. "I wish I could know you the way he does."

"You could. He and I knew each other in person first so it's different. You and I could get there eventually."

"You think so?"

"I know so. I trust you a scary amount for someone I met weeks ago."

"I didn't mean to sound like I'm trying to pressure you into showing me your face or telling me your name. I didn't mean like he gets to know what you look like and I don't. I meant, like, I wish we could hang out in person because I prefer that over talking in Discord."

"I get it, Clay. I feel the same way," Y/n said softly. There were a few moments of silence before she spoke again.

"Oh, gosh, it's already four."

Y/n's head snapped to look at her clock, which read 3:57am. "Already?" she whispered. "Dang."

As if acknowledging the time changed the atmosphere, it suddenly felt like 4am. Her back ached from her shifting in her chair so much over the last few hours, never being able to find a good position. The house was eerily quiet and all she heard was the low hum of the heater. The house felt stale, not used to its occupants being so alert and awake at that hour.

"I should probably go to bed..."

"Yeah, me too," Dream agreed. His voice sounded tired. "Thanks for joining us, it was really fun with you."

"Thanks for inviting me. Sorry I made you die. Hopefully you'll still let me back again."

"You're always invited to barge into my streams. Actually."

Y/n giggled again and mentally slapped herself for sounding like a little kid. "Well, you too. You can interrupt my streams anytime."

"I'll hold you to that."

"Goodnight, Clay."

"Goodnight, Bug."

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#rpf #real person fic #dream x reader #dreamwastaken x reader #dream x y/n #dreamwastaken x y/n #mcty x reader #mcyt x y/n #clay x reader #smau #dream smau #dreamwastaken smau #social media fic #social media au

[purplesurveys]

914

Do you prefer bar or liquid soap? Liquid. I don’t like how a bar soap tends to slip out of my hands. What's the speed limit on your street? I live in a gated village with tiny streets and kids that can run out of their gates any time, so the maximum on our widest roads is 40 kph. In more cramped streets, it’s recommended to drive 15-20. When was the last time you wore your favourite article of clothing? With my favorite pair of jeans, it was at the start of the month. I don’t have a favorite top; I find them all nice. Do any of your family members have an upcoming birthday? I don’t know anyone in my family who celebrates their birthday in August. If there’s someone, I can’t place them at the moment. On a scale of 1-5, 5 being the best, rate your last kiss. 5.

What is your favourite flavour of Jolly Ranchers? I don’t eat those. Where was your Facebook profile picture taken? It was taken in the basement of my college, which had been converted into a makeshift photo studio for a few days so that we could take our senior photos there. The basement has several rooms so most of them got used for different purposes like a hair and makeup room, a changing room, the actual photo studio, etc. Do your parents smoke? No. I think my mom mentioned experimenting with cigarettes when she was in college, but she didn’t like it, quit as soon as she started, and hasn’t had one since. My dad never smoked, period. Would you rather bake cookies or a potato? Cookies. It’s more nostalgic to me, which makes the experience more fun. Who was the last person to stay the night at your house? Gabie, probs. She’s the only one who sleeps over anyway. Do you live close to a park? We have our own tiny parks in our village; but no, this country is generally not public spaces-friendly. Is your favourite animal endangered? One of them is. Have you eaten pizza in the last week? Nah man, I haven’t had pizza in a WHILE. Not since February, I’m pretty sure. Who was the last person you added to your contacts list? I don’t remember. I think it was my hair and makeup artist for a test photoshoot that I did last December. How long does it take you to shower? 7-10 minutes. Do you prefer a brand of bottled water over others, or is it all the same? Sure. There are brands that have a slightest taste, and I try to avoid those. Have you used Wikipedia today? Yes. I read at least one article a day, whether on purpose or coincidental. Idk I think that despite the fact that it’s not a credible source to include on essays and papers, I still think it’s super informative and helpful and it’s at least fun to read through and spend hours in if I’m doing leisure reading.   Are you better at writing fiction or non-fiction? Non-fiction BY A MILE. The idea of writing fiction terrifies me...I’ve never been able to reach that level of creativity. Do you know anyone who has moved to a different state? I’ve known people who have moved from one province to another (we don’t have states). But in terms of the US, I also do know someone who moved from one state to another. I went to school with this girl who migrated to Hawaii a few years back, then she moved to California last year. How many pens can you see from where you’re sitting? Zero. Have you ever dated someone one grade/year above or below you? Nopes, but I’d assume that’s pretty common.

What language do you think you’d be good at? Spanish for obvious reasons.

What language do you think you’d fail at? Russian. And the African languages that have click sounds in them; I’ve always found this SO fascinating, but I know I'd never be able to perfect those. Do you still have a landline phone at your house? Yes. I have older relatives who still prefer talking on landline, so we keep it around for them. What is your current desktop background? One of the default wallpapers on my laptop. I changed it recently though. My old one was a mountain shot that mostly had a pinkish hue; and my new one is still a shot of a mountain range, but now it’s orange-purplish-pinkish.

How big is the television you last watched? Haven’t watched TV in a while. Have you ever been stung by a bee or a wasp? NOPE, one of my biggest fears.

How many schools have you been to in your lifetime? Two. I went to my first school from kindergarten to high school and the only time I transferred was when I went to college. Are you of legal age in your country? Yes. I have been in the last four years.

Why did you last visit a doctor? I had been sick for days and I was convinced it was no longer just a fever because no medicine and amount of sleep were helping, so I got myself checked. Would you prefer an ice cream cake or a regular cake? Regular cakes. Omg I hate ice cream cakes...I was never sold on the idea of cake not only being painfully cold to bite, but also capable of melting and getting all liquidy. I’m not gonna hate on other people who are into those, but I honestly never saw the hype. How old is your best friend? Gabie’s 22. Angela’s turning 22 in September. What is/was your high school’s mascot? My old school doesn’t have a mascot. We have school colors but that’s it. Do you carry pain relievers with you at all times? No. I didn’t want to be too dependent on them (still don’t) when I was still in school, so I just left the pills at home. My headaches sometimes go away on their own, anyway. Where is your mother right now? She just went upstairs to settle in their room for the night. What was the last thing to make you smile? A meme Angela sent a couple of minutes ago. Are you currently saving up for anything? Not currently since I don’t have money coming in. I imagine I’d be saving up for Airpods and a new set of braces once I start having a salary, though. Priorities, hahaha. What’s the view like from your bedroom window? Not too impressive. I just see the houses behind ours. Generally speaking, do you prefer sweet or savoury? Savory. My cravings for sweet only come once I’ve had savory. What would you do if you got home and you saw your house had been destroyed? Check the scene and see if my dogs made it. I’d try asking neighbors and the guards if they saw what happened; and I’d be devastated and anxious as fuck, of course. When did you last go outside, and what for? I walked Kimi outside an hour ago so he can do his business. We’ve closed off the balcony for now (his usual spot) since it’s been raining all day and evening, so I walked him in the area of our house that’s under a shed. Who is your favourite Sesame Street character? Didn’t really grow on Sesame Street. I suppose I liked Big Bird most, but I was never too attached to the character. How often do you check your emails? Everyday at this point. Do you have any plans for this Thanksgiving? No. What colour is your backpack? Baby pink. Would you slap the last person you talked to for twenty dollars? It’s not completely off the table, but you’re gonna have to pay me a lot more for me to slap my girlfriend lol What search engine do you usually use? Google. How much did the shirt you’re wearing cost? Couple thousand bucks. It’s official WWE merch. Patrick Stump or Pete Wentz? I never compare members within the same band. I like them both. Do you know anyone who gives way too many hugs? Laurice. Not that that’s a bad thing. She hugs eveeeeeeryone, and she’s the sweetest for doing so. What time do you usually wake up on Sundays? 7-8 AM these days, like for all days. Have you whispered today? I don’t think so. What grade did you get on the last test you took? I never got to find out my grade in my Rizal exam since the lockdown happened shortly after. That’s the only test I got to take in the second semester.

#survey #surveys

[thisbibliomaniac]

All the asks! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

hnnnng okay. just for you ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?Teacups and wine glasses 👌 but they have to be big tea cups and pretty wine glasses. My house will be full of wine glasses and no wine 😂 2. chocolate bars or lollipops?Chocolate 3. bubblegum or cotton candy?Cotton candy 4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?It was my mom, so probably nothing flattering XD 5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?I prefer to drink pop because I'm not an animal. 6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?Boho7. earbuds or headphones?Neither :/ 8. movies or tv shows?Both!! 9. favorite smell in the summer?Fresh air 10. game you were best at in p.e.?Dodgeball 11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?Nothing 12. name of your favorite playlist?👍 13. lanyard or key ring?Key ring14. favorite non-chocolate candy?Reese's pieces 15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?Madman 16. most comfortable position to sit in?None :///17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?My work shoes. They're also my most expensive shoes by a lot, but I can actually walk at the end of the week now 😂 18. ideal weather?Fall weather 19. sleeping position?Side 20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?Notebook with lines, but I also love typing 21. obsession from childhood?General and specific history 22. role model?None 23. strange habits?I was moderately obsessive compulsive as a kid, and our kitchen and basement stairs are black and white tiles like a checkerboard. For years upon years I only ever stepped on the black tiles, which meant for years upon years I always walked up and down the stairs the same way. A few years ago the kitchen floor was replaced, but not the basement stairs. Last week there was a basket on the landing so I started off on the wrong foot and almost fell three times on four stairs 😂 muscle memory, man. 24. favorite crystal??25. first song you remember hearing?Oh goodness i dont know26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?Drive with the windows down and Needtobreathe playing 27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?Stay inside and read 28. five songs to describe you?D: also no idea! 29. best way to bond with you?Literally just talk. I hate feeling like I'm being interrogated and tend to shut down if all you do is ask more and more probing questions. Talk about yourself. 30. places that you find sacred?My car. 31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?None :///32. top five favorite vines?Somehow I missed out on all of vine culture lol 33. most used phrase in your phone?lol 34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?I only use Netflix and mp3 so I rarely hear ads anymore 35. average time you fall asleep?236. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?Probably grumpy cat?37. suitcase or duffel bag?Bag 38. lemonade or tea?Tea!39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?Bothhh40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?I'm sure there are lots of things, but I can't think of them 41. last person you texted?Probably Stell 42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?Pants pocket if they'd ever make them big enough for my phone 43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?All of the above. Except maybe jean jacket 44. favorite scent for soap?Pumpkin spice! 45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?All! 46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?Yoga pants and tank top 47. favorite type of cheese?Feta48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?Cherry 49. what saying or quote do you live by?"More isn't always better, sometimes it's just more." 50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?Interesting lettuce 51. current stresses?Everything ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 52. favorite font?Webdings 53. what is the current state of your hands?Typing? 54. what did you learn from your first job?Everything I would ever need for life 😂 55. favorite fairy tale?Cinderella! 56. favorite tradition?Don't really have any 57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?Nope 58. four talents you’re proud of having?¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?I'm right and I should say it 60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?I don't know anything about anime, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?Too many to choose from 62. seven characters you relate to?63. five songs that would play in your club?Anything from Needtobreathe or Taylor Swift 64. favorite website from your childhood?That veggietales gaming one 65. any permanent scars?Yes 66. favorite flower(s)?Roses and Plumerias 67. good luck charms?None 68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?Stevia 69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned???70. left or right handed?Right 71. least favorite pattern?Paisley 72. worst subject?Science 73. favorite weird flavor combo?Veggie chips and hot sauce 74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?Depends on what type of pain. I can handle everything except a migraine, which I only cant handle because I know it won't go away on its own. 75. when did you lose your first tooth?No idea 76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?Curly fries 77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?All I've ever grown was told 78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?Hummus from a gas station 79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?No photos of me look good 80. earth tones or jewel tones?Jewel tones 81. fireflies or lightning bugs?Fireflies 82. pc or console?Depends on if I'm playing Mario kart or roller coaster tycoon 83. writing or drawing?I can't do either :////84. podcasts or talk radio?¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 84. barbie or polly pocket?Polly pocket!! 85. fairy tales or mythology?Fairy tales 86. cookies or cupcakes?Cookies87. your greatest fear?Too late 88. your greatest wish?I want a kitten 89. who would you put before everyone else?Obi 90. luckiest mistake?My first job. My boss didn't realize I wasn't technically old enough to run the grill for another two months, so it was harder on her for a while, but that was my favorite job. 91. boxes or bags?Bag 92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?a l l 93. nicknames?Not big on them. I'm good with Bibi though 94. favorite season?Fall! 95. favorite app on your phone?The calculator 96. desktop background?I've been meaning to change it. It's been Tim drake for like six years 97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?Oh gosh so many. Lots of family numbers, and tons of local dealerships. A handful of coworkers. Every place I've ever worked. The Chevy dealers fax number. I'm good with numbers. 98. favorite historical era?Tudor England (just the drama, not the politics) and the Salem witch trials Thanks dear 💖💖💖

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

because lists make me feel better

it's election day and that means hours of anxiety yay!!! I'm trying to tell myself, I did what I could and that's still true no matter what happens, which is slightly difficult because I don't love talking to people and therefore I never went canvassing for local campaigns, didn't do any phonebanking until this weekend, and didn't do a lot of textbanking until this weekend either. and I didn't like...take any time off work. so maybe I didn't do everything I could, but you know what, I did do stuff and that's still good:

wrote 130 ACLU voter postcards, 15 letters with Vote Forward, and 90 postcards with Postcards To Voters for Stacey Abrams

made...a lot of donations, like a whole lot, I don't want to add it all up because that would be difficult and also I don't really want to know, but I donated a lot to several different campaigns, in addition to my existing monthly donations to places like the ACLU, SPLC, and the Sierra Club, to the point that uhhhhh my credit score dropped a couple points because I wasn't paying enough attention and I had a bunch of recurring donations on one card that I already wasn't being very good about paying off, and I actually exceeded my credit limit?? which is my own dumb fault, obviously, but...that's a thing that happened. (did I often donate to alleviate my guilt about not being more active? YOU BET.)

posted lots of educational articles on Facebook (and some relevant personal posts) even though I know my conservative family and friends aren't reading them 😒

reminded people I knew to vote, and tried to convince them to vote blue

texted at least a couple thousand voters in Missouri, California, and Wisconsin, especially Sunday, yesterday, and today

volunteered locally with Alyse Galvin (waved signs two evenings last week in 25F weather, addressed postcards, did some data entry) and AK Democrats generally (phonebanking for a few hours yesterday and this weekend, which was not my favorite thing but also wasn't that bad, and as a bonus I was able to multitask last night by texting while I made calls)

tonight I'll be at my precinct for a couple hours or more as a poll watcher for the Democrats, which mainly means sitting around making sure nothing hinky happens

so that's...well, again, maybe it's not everything I could have done but it's definitely still something and that's what I'm trying to focus on, that I did the work and I worked hard. because I did.

other things I'm trying to focus on instead of SHEER TERROR about results: stuff I'm going to do over the next few days/weeks that have nothing to do with politics and that I've been putting off because I've been focusing on the election (also just putting off generally, in some cases, but all of it sounds more appealing right now than ELECTION TERROR).

get a dog!!! I hope!!! because Hazy is with the same rescue group that we got Scully from, I was told we really wouldn't need to apply again or even do a home visit, but I figured a visit would be a good idea anyway to see how she and our cat react to each other, and that's tentatively scheduled for Sunday

take my iPhone in to get its virtually useless battery replaced (which involves turning over my phone for like an hour, and I'm just like WAIT, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT MY PHONE FOR AN HOUR, ALL MY ENTERTAINMENT IS ON THERE AND ALSO WHAT IF THERE'S AN EMERGENCY)

get a new phone, if that doesn't help

also, figure out how to replace my equally useless iPod Classic battery

work on an existing Etsy order for a relatively simple Funko FemShep, and also making samples for several other items I've been planning to list, mostly more queer stuff but also some holiday-related stuff that I need to list like...very soon

related: get back to work on some personal projects, like Funko Avengers Academy Thor and various Lokis

somewhat related: build the other two Lego-knockoff Lokis I bought a while ago

type up my notebooks and organize my existing files better so I can figure out where tf I am in my WIPs and prioritize what I want to write next

replay Silent Hill 2, get back to SWTOR again, and try to play/finish at least a few short PC games

make a bunch of Spotify playlists

replace my shitty ancient netbook

replace nearly all the components in my desktop computer, because they're 6 years old and desperately need an upgrade (unfortunately this also means I really, really need to organize my backups)

write up some ask memes I got tagged in semi-recently

do more with @alaska-gothic

other things probably

#politics

[kusunokihime-a]

     [ Okay y’all, I think it’s about time I got a few things off my chest and onto the dash. This isn’t anything personal, nor directed at any one person. Just my feelings about my dash and how things have been going the last few months for me. There’s some important info under the cut, but I’ll try to summarize at the end for a tldr for those in a hurry.

     First off, admittedly, muse has been hard to come by lately. I’m sure a lot of you have noticed that I’ve slowed down a lot in activity. Life has been a lot busier than I’m used to due to my summer job (aka raising five orphan calves). It’s been a far cry more of a juggling act than having only one last year, and it’s honestly made keeping up muse hard due to it being very time-consuming and tiring. Add in that it’s the pits of Summer, and my room where my desktop is regularly reaches 90+ degrees Fahrenheit for several hours a day, and that leaves very little energy/mojo for sitting in the heat and trying to write when I’m tired. The last straw is that my mental health has been in a fairly steep decline lately (none of which I can afford to treat). Put those factors together, and you have a very drained individual who is all the more depressed because her one outlet is less enjoyable due to those very factors.

     I’ve been trying to get back into things: revamping my blog design, new icons, even new blogs! And though I want to be doing these things, I still lack the energy for them for the above-mentioned reasons. My drafts and ask replies are still slow, and I feel bad for making everyone wait. True, this is a hobby, but one I love dearly. I don’t like to disappoint those who help make it fun for me.

     So, to try and make up for my lack of activity, I’ve done my best to make a regular habit of having inbox calls! All it takes is a like, and I’ll hop into your inbox and give you an ask to reply to from whatever muse I’ve got inspiration for. Seems simple enough, and all of the regulars have been using them frequently, which I’m glad for!

     But admittedly, I’ve gotten a bit...frustrated lately. A few months ago I started making a point of clearing out inactive blogs of 4+ months. And even with that in place, I still follow over 160 blogs, probably which 95% are RP blogs that I’m mutuals with. And yet my efforts to reach out and interact are only met by the same five or so people, with the occasional rare exception.

     No one is obligated to interact, of course. I’m not begging for that. What I am trying to convey is that I’m reaching a point where it seems largely pointless to be following 90% of the blogs I follow. Admittedly, I don’t read others’ posts hardly at all unless they’re meant for me. I just don’t have the time, and I often lack context to make them as enjoyable for me to read as they do for those they’re intended for. And while I understand people do so themselves, and sometimes follow blogs just for reading their writing - without intent to interact - I guess I’ve just reached a point where I don’t see much reason to follow many of the blogs I follow. There’s no interaction despite me both reblogging memes, and having open calls.

     Like...forgive me for sounding short, but all it takes is a simple click from a blog on my open posts, and I’ll bring the ask to them. It takes literally a moment. And while I, with abundant social anxiety, understand that sometimes that’s too much, there’s not much else I can do besides just doing things of my own volition. Which, again, given my lack of energy and time, I just...can’t do. Especially not for as many blogs as I follow.

    So, what’s my point? My point is, I’m considering a sizable purge of those I follow. Mainly those I’ve never interacted with despite having been mutuals for a good share of time. Maybe even those who very rarely interact. Because at this point, I have so little energy to be here properly, I don’t want to squander it on those who won’t reciprocate. Which may sound harsh, but this is a hobby. And if I’m to enjoy it, I have to do it in a way that lets me get the most out of it.

     This, I suppose, is a heads up that in the coming days, when I have time to sit and do it, I’m likely going to go through my following list and unfollow a great share of people. It won’t be personal. It’ll just be because interaction - the reason I follow people back - just isn’t happening, and there’s not much point for you to be on my dash. You are, of course, in no way expected to keep following if you’re among those I unfollow - I know many people only like to follow mutuals. That’s how I operate, after all. So if I unfollow, feel free to do the same.

     If you’re someone who follows just to read my stuff, good on you! Keep on following - I appreciate you, even if we don’t interact. But given that I don’t read things that aren’t intended for me, there’s just not much purpose in me following you back. If I’m to be mutuals with someone, then it’s because I want to write with you. And I want you to want to write with me. Given that my numerous open posts over the last several weeks have only been taken by a regular group of people, then...I see no point in extending my dash beyond those who make the effort.

     I know this might sound harsh, but I’m tired of having so much...emptiness in this hobby. I only really have time and energy for what directly involves me and my muses. Which might sound a bit self-centered, but that’s how it is. I know you’re all wonderful writers. And I’m not booting you off my dash because I don’t like you, or your writing. I just want to condense things to what I personally want to see. And for me, that means what involves me, and the people who have taken the time to bond with me and my muses. So again, it’s nothing personal - I just have to clear my dash and following a bit. 

     IF we’ve yet to interact and you’d like to start something before I go through my list, PLEASE just let me know. I promise I’m a very approachable person. But I can only make opens so many times and have them be ignored before I get tired of trying. Hence doing a little cleaning house, so I can enjoy this hobby a bit more. Thank you all for your understanding <3

     TL;DR - I’m going to clear my following of people who aren’t interacting with us, because limited time/energy mean wanting to condense my dash and following pool. Feel free to also unfollow, but I won’t softblock just in case you'd like to remain following. This probably won’t happen for a day or two, so feel free to talk to me OOC before then if you’d like to discuss anything. But it’s personally time for me to clear out those who aren’t meeting my offers for interaction so my dash is filled more with those who are willing/able to write with us. Thanks to everyone who’s followed regardless - y’all are great <3 ]

#sylvie speaketh [ ooc ]

[finsterhund]

The boredom gets to me.

Lake trip got cancelled, then postponed to today, except ex roommate didn't want to go to the safe lake and me and my friend only wanted to go to the safe lake so we didn't end up going at all but that was okay because Will and Paula did a Paper Beast stream and it was fun.

Other than that things have been extremely boring and I've been getting sick from the heatwave.

It's too hot to play Paper Beast because of the headset, it's too hot to play Minecraft because ice pack laptop gets hot way quicker now.

It really becomes apparent that without spending money there's not much to do during the quarrentine. I've drawn a bit, I keep trying to write but never get anywhere, and mostly I'm just feeling lonely and wishing I had a dog. I have to be careful not to think too much about that late at night otherwise I'll miss my bedtime and then cry myself to sleep at 4AM. I joke about how I am explicitly forbidden from listening to "Tiny's Song" after 7PM, because that's a surefire way to make it worse.

I have another psychiatrist phone call in a couple weeks and I'm hoping to talk about trauma and misery loops, or whatever it's called when your brain keeps dwelling on loss.

Computer quest seems to be going well, but of course I've put as much money as I can into it for this month. Frustrated that I can't do anything more until I get paid again.

Got to go to the thrift store a few days ago. Impulsively got Lady because she was 5 dollars and we all know she's a spaniel so obviously I was weak of will, soft of heart, dumb of ass. You know the drill. This boy does not simply see a cosmically significant stuffed dog just sitting there and not do something about it.

I also picked up a seemingly brand-new collar with several tags attached. I collect used and discarded dog tags (I will go into this in more detail in another post) and I intend to start bringing as many back as I can whenever I get to go to thrift stores.

I'm frustrated that I keep making plans that I'll only be able to follow through on once all this is over. My computer is the only big thing in the works that isn't held back by the virus.

I wish the other one in town would open again. Stupid virus.

I keep phoning my mom to talk to her puppy. I was going to visit to see the puppy and also bring my childhood toys back home and also develop the Spot negatives. But no. Ruined. Stupid virus says "Andy likes Spot, and his old toys, and puppies. Let's make sure he doesn't get to see them" stupid virus.

I have a TON of important things planned where traveling or going to high risk stores/places that are definitely closed is required.

The last Spot I ordered online before I put my foot down and said "no more buying comfort items online until you get your new computer" seems to almost be arriving. Should around the same time I have my phone appointment. I'm also waiting on the lost DHL puppy (still, it's been so long) and another that I think also is lost, and a rare copy of Heart of Darkness that's taken forever to ship and is presumably in Alaska now (why I don't know)

I intend to spoil that Spot to an extreme amount to make up for the eBay stuffed dog drought that will presumably go on for three months. Although the fact that I do no longer have to hold onto all the money to use at once and have now switched over to giving it in installments to my friend who's doing my custom build does mean I have a better understanding on how much money I have available each month. It's their responsibility to count and keep track of the big unintelligible numbers now. I'm free!

Although I do still intend to keep the paper with all the "100"s written on it in use. Using a visual aid to help with my dyscalcula has actually felt super good. Wish teachers would have been more open to helping me do this during school.

I do wish I had more inspiration to draw and write. Not getting too much interaction with what I'm doing online so it doesn't feel like a way to socialize and I'm actually desperate for more socialization during this time.

The quest for an extremely large floppy stuffed dog that looks like Spot has been postponed due to the computer quest. Similarly I am barred from buying anything else from Awwful Adopts, Lil Sprout Care, and Blvucci. Will showed me a browser extension that blocks certain website access from your browser. I use it to bar me from aimlessly searching stuffed dogs on eBay for four hours.

Hold me to this promise. No Awwful Adopts, No LilSproutCare, and no Blvucci. If I brag about getting the Blvucci glow in the dark hoodie and it wasn't because I won a free one, you are all encouraged to spam mean names into my message inbox and hit me with things.

I have materials to make custom sized collars and bandannas for my stuffed dogs but I just don't feel up to learning to sew. I know how to do 1. A ladder stitch and 2. Several types of knots. So all I can technically do is fix small holes in stuffed animals.

It's technically my bedtime but I don't feel able to sleep right now so I'm just writing this update.

My friend made art of Spot for me and it is very nice so I'll share it tomorrow.

Keeping my mind active talking about my day and my plans stops me from thinking about sad things, but it also prevents me from sleeping. I just wish that there was something to look forward to tomorrow. It's gonna be another hot do nothing stay home day.

Maybe soon we will get to go to the lake.

Anyways, I'll try updating you all more. Maybe post more memes and things that have mostly been going on over at twitter dot com. I keep forgetting to post things here because of how broken Tumblr is on desktop now.

#text post #long post #update

[airanddust]

A day in isolation

Day I don’t even know. It’s March 27. I should be packed and ready for a trip to Japan, but that was cancelled a month ago. We should have been there to see the cherry blossoms and stay in a cramped Osaka hotel room. Now, as the meme says, we will be going to “Los Kitchenos.”

My mornings start with a sense of reluctance. Sailor nudges my leg two minutes before my 7 am alarm. I used to wake up at 6, which, since the time change, is now 7, but I haven’t been to the office since then so I’ve been waking up at this time for…three weeks. Since March 5.

I feed the dogs, stumble in the wan light to pull open the blinds, flip on my Happy Light, and unfurl my thick purple yoga mat. I don’t bother with the toning yoga videos anymore. It’s all stretches and relaxation practices. I choose fifteen or twenty minutes, or thirty if I didn’t hit snooze and feel luxurious. I tilt my spine side to side in tabletop position, hands and feet against the ribbed mat. A catch releases somewhere in my back.

The first downward dog is always a balm for my calves. My right leg is a block of concrete, stiff and unmoving after an uncomfortable night. I often wake to find myself jammed against one shoulder, or with a hand tingling, or my hip screaming so loudly it pulls me from a dream.

I work through the flow and inevitably need a tissue when my body spurts up some gunk that went dormant overnight. Clarity returns to my sinuses. I feel a little less hatred for the day ahead. It almost feels like a normal day.

Since stocking up for the vacation-apocalypse, I now have a myriad of breakfast choices as compared to my typical instant oatmeal packet or protein shake. I could have protein waffles, banana bread, strawberries, string cheese, or cinnamon raisin bread that Robert made, wide and puffy. 

I read the Bible while I eat. I used to read it on my YouVersion app, but that was creating a too-addictive don’t-break-the-chain habit (I got to 100 days this year), and the reading didn’t go deep. I switched to the mid-Psalms in my fifteen-year-old NASB college Bible and starting journaling my SOAP —  another unfortunate acronym, but a helpful one I gleaned from our church’s online messages. Scripture, Observation, Application, Prayer. It helps me identify what most speaks to me in a passage and consider it more closely. Today it’s Psalm 41.

I have fifteen minutes to write, perched on the edge of my dilapidated former office chair, which has lost two silver wheels and now sits disabled next to my desk. I realized I need a separate space, even if it’s just a seat two feet from my office chair, in which to write and thus separate myself from work.

I check newsletters in my email. The Denison Forum, the New York Times briefing, the Hustle, Briefingday, and, on Fridays, Girls’ Night In. I take a quick scroll through Instagram. Sometimes I watch a few stories from my favorite fashion bloggers. Then I lift the lid of my work MacBook Pro.

It’s time to work, but the thought of eight hours ahead of me is nearly paralyzing. I usually open Trello, where I’ve divided my tasks into To Do, Doing, and Done, but today I try Marie Forleo’s handwritten method of finishing the sentence “The one thing I will accomplish today is…” Today, it is sketching and mocking up a grid view for car sensors.

Then the Slack messages come in. I removed Slack from my phone at the advice of a coworker — “only I can give myself anxiety; Slack doesn’t have that privilege” — but the desktop app still manages to contribute to the low-grade anxiety that I will miss a critical conversation. I disabled the red badge of death. I turned on Do Not Disturb. Yet I still compulsively open Slack every ten minutes. Working remotely seems to make me eager to prove I’m around, available, not goofing off, and I don’t get into that deep zone of focus I need. But I try. I turn on an instrumental playlist from Spotify — it only recommends classical and movie scores for me now — and clump my old, cheap Amazon headphones over my ears.

My cat Nala weaves in between my keyboard and monitor. She flips onto her back and splays her legs out, falls asleep, and spreads ever so subtly until her back leg shoves my keyboard to the far edge of the desk, where I am now forced to sit diagonal to my computer. If I shut her out of the office, she scratches the door and makes pleading guttural noises, but in the office, she seems to know when I have a Zoom meeting and pretends to run an agility course. More than twice I’ve had to introduce her to coworkers when she hops between me and the webcam, leaving a dark tail in her wake.

We had catered lunch daily at the office. Now we fend for ourselves. This week I wrote down a semi-meal plan, and today I pull two red-topped plastic containers from the fridge to mix Thai ground beef with leftover Kraft Mac and cheese. I microwave it until it’s a strangely humid combination of cuisines.

I read the latest edition of Real Simple while I eat. The magazine came bagged in a plastic sheath, which I peeled off and threw away before washing my hands. I know the content was created months ago before this virus existed, and yet it’s still odd to read something so remarkably free of Covid-19. There is, however, a spring cleaning feature that explains the difference between sanitizing and disinfecting. That reminds me we only have a handful of Clorox wipes left. When we run out I’ve thought of dipping paper towels into the leftover solution at the bottom of the canister. I haven’t been super diligent about wiping down surfaces, but then again, we don’t go out much. I haven’t been outside in two days.

I return to my desk and mindlessly nibble on a Seattle Chocolate Double Distilled Mint bar. I eventually return to the kitchen to make DIY milk tea — cold Lipton with a splash of milk, mixed in my reusable boba tea tumbler. I didn’t think I could tolerate caffeine, but the iced tea has just enough to propel me through the rest of the workday. I don’t have tapioca to add but that’s okay. There are apparently sixty-eight carbs per serving of boba. I’m already eating too much. We stocked up on rice cakes, bananas, peanut butter, oatmeal, canned soup, dried pineapple, Pop-Tarts, and granola. Five-year-old me is constantly aware of this and always planning my next trip to the kitchen.

At three I join a few coworkers for what we call Zoom-ba, our virtual dance session, where I share a pre-made YouTube playlist and we dance in tiny thumbnail windows with each other. Our favorite instructor is a guy named Mao who wears bright colors and dances on a pier somewhere over tropical waters. It helps us feel less like we’re trapped in our small, dark homes.

After an hour more of work, I join another Zoom call to work out with friends who exercise with me almost daily now. Today we do legs. Last time we did abs, which, for some reason, left Laura with sore arms and me with achy glutes. We’re still figuring out how to do this. We place our laptops on chairs and the floor and follow an impossibly fit woman on YouTube.

Sweaty and tired, I tell my friends goodbye and pull up Instagram to watch the nightly fireside chat from my favorite finance author. It’s comforting to have this small slice of a predictable schedule: to know that every night, he’ll appear on my screen at 5:30. After this I don’t know what I’ll do. Maybe eat, or walk the dogs.

Robert makes mashed potatoes in the Instant Pot, and a thick, starchy scent wafts through the house. The Instagram Live ends and I join him for small plates of mashed potatoes with canned green beans. It feels sort of like a survival meal. We forgot to defrost any meat. I know I’ll be hungry later.

It’s raining so we don’t walk the dogs. Instead, we finish watching the first season of Altered Carbon, which I wasn’t sure I’d even want to finish watching. I don’t like how the story is ending. I also realize that with each show I watch, I’m wondering why the actors stand so close to each other. It hasn’t even been six months since all of this started. Will I think this way about every show from now on?

After the show ends Robert goes to his home office and I go to mine, where I open Skillshare for the next new routine I’ve established: learning Spanish. A coworker mentioned it could be a good way to pass the time, and since we have several Spanish-speaking friends and I love Zumba music, I’d like to learn it. I sit in front of my laptop and repeat words to the screen.

Some nights I make a tiny zine out of a sheet of printer paper. I think I’m putting too much on my plate. My creativity feels dried up, restless, and I end up on Twitter or some other internet rabbit hole. I don’t want to look back and see that every decision I made during this time was reactionary, but some days I don’t feel like I can muster much more than that.

Before brushing my teeth and washing my face, I go through my planner, make sure I did everything I wanted to do today. I realize how crude that sounds when, as some articles tell me, I shouldn’t be focused on output during a time of global crisis. But I feel listless without these goals. I need something to put me in motion, even if only for distraction.

Now I’m in bed. I have a stack of library books procured hours before the library shut down, but I don’t always read them. I keep one on my nightstand just in case. I’ll probably watch Robert play Animal Crossing on the Switch until I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. The music and repetitive actions are calming. Boring. Kind of like life used to be.

I fall asleep.

[sidelinesbysam]

The Social Media Circus

There is no doubt that life in today’s social media circus can be dangerous at best and perilous at its worst. These days I look at Social Media like a 3 ring circus. Twitter in one ring,Instagram in another ring and Facebook right there in the center ring. All sitting under the Big Top of the World Wide Web on a desktop, laptop, tablet or cell phone near you. When I first dove into the Social Media waters in 2008...for the record I discount a failed attempt at My Space and some useless thing AOL was doing at the time...I did some ‘checking in’, I ‘connected’ with some friends that were cutting edge because they were already SM users, and I regularly told everyone what I was doing. Actual FB quotes from 2008, “Monday at 6 AM and I'm at work...again!” “Is it Tuesday already?” “Friday night under the lights! Go Trojans!” I guess I was into the days of the week, and this there is this gem from September 4th, 2008, my second week on Facebook and my first, stellar SM political statement, “Sarah Palin will be fabulous as the next VP and this ticket is going to rock Washington DC!” Well...they’re not all “Don’t miss reading” I guess. But there it was, my first SM political statement on Facebook and I haven’t looked back. Except to write this blog of course. But all this takes me to a recent dinner with my oldest child Sonny. Like all good children do, he was making me aware of the  tenor of my SM posts and how they could be perceived. It was a great give and take, he was giving and I was taking. But in all honesty, his wisdom and insight really got my attention. He exposed a true insight to the SM world that I knew of but never gave a whole lot of thought to. It’s one thing to express your thoughts to friends and family and to let people know where you stand on a topic, but it’s completely another thing to fire off a post that reaches far and wide and is potentially read by people that may or may not know you or know the context in which that statement was made. There is also the far reaching impact SM comments can have. I never gave a lot of thought as to how SM comments can have a ripple effect on other friends and family members. Not just whether or not they agree or disagree with you or whether they are offended by the words that were said, but what others will think of the people that are closest to you based on what YOU said and not on what THEY believe. My son’s wise insight gave me reason to pause and rethink what the heck SM was originally created for and how differently it is being used today. And how exactly I was using it.

The things I like best about the Social Media landscape is the connection with people you wouldn’t normally be connected to. I have over 800 Facebook “friends” and quite frankly I cannot possibly imagine knowing that many people, but nearly 100 of them are people from Proviso West High School. A place I attended 40 years ago that is over 200 miles from where I live now. I communicate with my 2 closest friends in the entire world regularly on Facebook. I get to see the things they do, the places they go, the meals they eat, the pets they have, the clothes they wear, the turkeys they hunt, the books they write, the time they spend with their kids, the time they spend with their families, the vehicles they drive, their swimming pools, their motorcycles, their time spent at sporting events, the restaurants they go to, where they work, what they do where they go...and on and on and on! And that’s just my 2 best friends. I have over 800 more people that are FB “friends.” Now I love those 2 with all my heart and seriously, I do enjoy living their adventures with them on line. And then there are the other family and friends that we regularly scroll through their posts and photos and we get to see their kids growing up, their successes and trials and their best recipes for banana bread. We also get to see first day of school, last day of school, vacations, stay-cations and more daily events we could ever imagine. The other blessing is getting to share your faith in hopes it inspires someone and the ability to pray for someone when they simply ask. We also quickly learn of the passing of people we know or the passing of loved ones of our own friends and family. Social Media gives us the chance to rejoice and to grieve with our connections.

So that leads me back to the enlightening and encouraging conversation Sonny and I had. What the hell is SM really intended to do? Over the past 2 years it has really taken a hard turn down. The battles and fights over politics, religion, ideologies, beliefs, things individuals stand for, and the things we may or may not hold dear have become very dark and deeply mean spirited at times. Something that was created to simply connect people through an online platform has become a place mainly filled with anger, hostility, advertising, political statements, news stories and quite frankly, lots of bad news. I cannot imagine for one second that was the intent when it was first created. Maybe I’m wrong but I sure hope not. But at this point I’ve made myself reconsider what my place is in all this. I’ve never been a big boycott kinda’ guy so I have no intention of pulling the plug on my SM presence. But I certainly plan to carefully rethink what I put out there for the world to see. I’m proud of my family and I think there is always a place to post pictures of the people you love. I sorta’ like food so I’m sure there will be food pictures. I love sports so you can count on me commenting on wins and losses and games well played and not so well played. If you follow me at all you know I kinda’ like the doggies so there will always be pet pictures. There will be some Bible verses, some inspirational thoughts, a strong dose of sarcasm, some music videos, a hand full of memes and those famous Throw Back Thursday pictures that hopefully will make someone embarrassed on occasion. But more importantly, thanks to the well thought out insight of my son, my timeline will have less conflict and controversy, much less politics, lots more family and friends and hopefully more messages of peace and hope! In a world where you can find adversity at the turn of every corner and the scroll of every SM page, I choose to be more of a light in the darkness instead of a shadow in the light. Thank you son for shining the light!

[llunatical]

shit gets so much better

fucking random but my sponseejust called me with astonishing news and holy fuck like

idk I just???? this is a fucking HUGE moment in my life and I had to share it somewhere

k u need some context for this shit so buckle the fuck up and get ready to BAWL bc lemme fucken tell u buddy boy (TW: child abuse, drug abuse, infant death- I know I wouldn’t keep reading either. I just really needed to get this off my chest finally and since it’s not like anyone will really see this anyway idk I just need to say it SOMEWHERE, to SOMETHING, finally. it’s been such long fucking road.)

I had to go through my own recovery completely alone. my sister (methhead) was pregnant, barely at the time- had JUST found out, and when I finally got her the fuck away from my house for the last time I promised myself I would never use like that again. I now had a job to do. I was gonna turn 18 and fight for custody.

fast forward about a year and a half. Robin Williams has passed. mind you I am still clean from that same day I just mentioned. I do some stalking, because recently I had been out of touch and this loss was a huge slap in the face over that sort of thing. like, shit, I need to keep up and re-enter society probably, or something, I dunno.

dumb idea… I checked her Facebook page. her header? the funeral banner.

Jackson’s death was attributed to SIDS. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. why? because he happened to be at daycare. she was still using heavily during pregnancy. but if he were at home, man, if that kid had passed at home… we would have all figured she did it her damn self. she’s always been quite the drama queen and still to this day she milks her son’s death for any bit of sympathy or pity she can scrounge up from poor new faces, oblivious to her tendency to bring forth destruction unimaginable. had that kid, my nephew, been at home when he died, they would have attributed it to her. that’s the kind of person she is. that’s all I’ve ever seen of her. pushing her 14 year old sister into prostitution and a methamphetamine dependency so she could have the extra money. see, underage is MUCH more expensive than your average fare, so that vile, putrid excuse for a woman made Cash Money™ off of me. throwing a lamp at me every time I wanted to go home. we would have suspected she killed him, and for damn good reason. she IS that kind of person.

naturally, learning this… it sent me spiraling. I still haven’t picked meth up again- genuinely highly unlikely that I ever will- but I did start using pills pretty heavily at this point for several months before I picked myself back up and plundered my stash of self control and discipline and sort of returned to normal. ever since then, there’s been this huge weight on my chest, in my heart, constantly reminding me that I lost what might have been my only chance at raising my own blood. see, she had to have got it from somewhere. turns out our father is “to blame”; he had a thing for night gowns and dark rooms when mom wasn’t home, you know? so of course. it just makes sense. we both failed him. I was too fucking late. not to mention, I have an EXTREMELY low fertility rate, thank you Dad. my shits just fucked up now.

fast forward again. I’m now a sponsor, in my first healthy relationship going a year and a half strong, and I just really love memes I guess. safe to say I’m doing better, right? well, not much to me anymore other than “don’t do that! it will suck!” kinda comments, passionate sessions with sponsee telling him not to fuck it up. other than this I didn’t think I had purpose after that, after losing him. maybe I just didn’t want it. I felt powerless, especially since a car wreck left me unable to drive after it exacerbated my seizure disorder. for many, many months, I struggled with thoughts of suicide, but that phrasing doesn’t really cut it, does it? I felt I had failed my only challenge on this Earth. yeah, I’m doing sort of good right now, but… do I deserve it? can this person rely on me? like, ME? am I really one to talk?

I was sitting here just earlier, in this same old pleather computer chair, looking at my lovely Cortana (my desktop, u nerd) and I thought to myself, “how far have I really come? how much have I honestly accomplished since then? do I even deserve to be human?” and just a few moments ago, my sponsee called me with phenomenal news:

he has been clean for nearly an entire month straight, no relapses, no fights, just chillin’ like a villain in retirement. his ex, mother of his child, granted him 50/50 custody, and even wants to rekindle their relationship because he’s in recovery and actually taking it serious now. at first she didn’t want that shit around her child- I totally understand. I would have made the same decision, but with a lot more snarling and clawing. good lady, really. but he used to fight a lot too, just generally kinda fuck up a lot in life, etc. he’s 19. (me too, soon!) and he hasn’t been in a fight in SO MANY WEEKS. I used to get 3 or 4 calls a week about it, random texts from friends just letting me know he was coming home loaded up in a shopping cart. needless to say, he’s come a really fucking long way.

he’s talked a lot about me to his lady, and she apparently adores me and is extremely thankful and grateful that I’ve been sponsoring him and trying to get him better.

but there’s more.

obviously, there’s some in-person meeting to do and quite a bit of time to think, but as far as she’s concerned at the moment, I’m one of the top names on her list of possible godmothers.

sometimes you’re not here to do the thing that’s keeping you alive. sometimes the real thing is a million days away, and a whole lot of growth is needed in order to even get to it. sometimes life will fucking test you, traumatize you, leave you splotched with black and blue and deep, bewildered crimson and it will rip away your very reason to breathe, right from under your grip, torn from its place by your heart- and then, when you think you’re done, when you think you’ve just had enough and you’re so fucking close to just… losing it…

…

… only then will the universe pull back her cloak with a brilliant grin and give it right back, except this time,

you’re fucking ready.

#tagging for personal sorting use oops #ignore this #progress #sponsor #recovery #sponsee #doing good #doing better #I will be ok #shit gets better #I'm just fine #I am ok

[purplesurveys]

571

Why are you taking a survey? Becauuuuuse it’s a Sunday night and I’m not doing anything and I like surveys so I might as well take one. When's the last time you were grounded? First or second year of high school - back when I was majestically flunking algebra. Anything exciting taking place today? The day’s mostly over so not really, but looking back, it wasn’t a very exciting Sunday overall. In fact I was dreading having to wake up because I knew a nasty hangover was waiting to come pouring down on me D: What are you craving? A basket of Korean dumplings or mandu would be amazing right now. Is there anyone in the room with you? My mom is in the same floor (she’s making dinner), but I’m alone in the living room at the moment.

Who's the last person that made you laugh? Andrew, but that was hours ago. I just laughed over a meme five minutes earlier hahahahaha. What's your favorite color? Pastel pink. Who did you last hit? I don’t get physical with anyone. Do you like kool aid? I’ve never tried it. I’ve only ever seen it in upscale groceries in Manila too, so it’s not very accessible. Are you currently reading a book? No, I’m not. How do you do in school? I’m doing fine I guess. I never miss a deadline, am a good groupmate in projects and more often than not serve as the leader, and I’m still running for Latin honors after almost four years and despite signing up for a number of extracurricular positions and commitments, so I think I’m headed somewhere good. What's your biggest goal? Honestly my idea of being successful is conventional and traditional; I wanna be able to save up enough to be able to settle down, get a (big) house, and have kids. I’d LOVE to travel too but it’s not really my Ultimate Dream. Who have you texted today? Just Gab. It’s been a quiet day and most of my conservations have taken place on Messenger. What was the last thing you did before bed last night? I went over to my mom’s room to say hi because she asked me to drop by to let her know I’m already home (because I was out until 2 AM).

What's your biggest fear? Being humiliated/feeling embarrassed in front a large crowd. Look to your left...what's there? More of our couch. And to your right? Our electronic keyboard. Nina wanted to learn how to play the piano when she was around 9, and my parents fully supported her and got a brand-new keyboard and even hired a tutor for her. She ended up not pursuing it but we haven’t thrown the keyboard out, because we still tinker with it occasionally.

Who do you aspire to be like when you grow up? I don’t have a lot of role model figures in my life. I just want to end up with the best version of myself. Do you know if you want to go to college or not? College is necessary in the Philippines if you want to get anywhere in life, so yeah I kinda had to want to go to it. Laptop or desktop? Laptop. We never had a desktop computer so I lowkey never learned how to turn one on. Do you have an iPod? I technically do in that I own one and still haven’t thrown it out, but I haven’t used it since 2014 or 2015 maybe. Do you have a fan on in the room you're in? Yes, it’s pointed at me right now. Do you have a wallet? I do. What are you sitting on? On the living room carpet. Closest purple object? I’m not so sure. I’m looking around the room and I don’t think we have anything purple lying around. What's the last thing you had to eat? My mom made me fried rice and lumpia for dinner. Heaven. Do you like grapefruits? I don’t like fruits. Sweet or sour? SWEET Have you ever had the Reese's PB Candy Bars? Never. Do you know who Shawn Michaels is? Only one of the best professional wrestlers of all time. He’s very easily my Top 1. Who do you turn to if you need help? Gabie. Her words help more than anyone else’s. Are you more dependant or independant? I am dependent. Are you waiting for anything? Not really. Does the time 2 o'clock have any significance to you? Kind of. My grandma made sure our childhood siestas or afternoon naps started by 2 PM on the dot. As a kid I hated being forced to sleep SO MUCH, but it was an everyday, no-fail routine for a very long time, so it gave me a lot of memorable memories. Do you like bagels? They’re fine. I’d usually get something else at a bakery, but I don’t hate bagels. Are there any stuffed animals in the room you're in? No, just pillows on the couch. What do you think of guys who wear eyeliner? Nothing. They can do whatever they want if it makes them feel good. Favorite tv show? Breaking Bad. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My mom. She was buying milk tea and wanted to ask what flavor I wanted. Where's your mother? She just finished making dinner so now she is chilling in her room. Do you know who the strongest man in the world is? No. Professional wrestler Mark Henry used to have that title, but he’s retired now so he clearly wouldn’t be the strongest in the world anymore. That’s all I know, lol. Do you like online games? Not really. Do you use Yahoo!Answers? Maybe when I was like 11 or 12. Nowadays I just enjoy it for the meme content. Are you too warm, too cold, or just right? Just right. Do you want a tattoo? I don’t daydream about it, but I’m not opposed to having one especially if the design would mean a lot to me. Is there anything hurting you, on your body right now? My toothaches are magically gone, I’M SO RELIEVED. I’m alright right now, I think. What's your most visited website? It would probably be Twitter. Are you tired? A bit. My hangover is gone but I didn’t get enough sleep overall today, so I’m still feeling a bit tired. What's the best time you've had in the past week? I had a date with Gab yesterday! We don’t get to have legit dates where we wear dresses and heels and go to a classy restaurant all the time, but we planned one out yesterday. It was amazing; we had dinner at this cute place and it was kinda dark so we got to have a candle at our table and just talked for hours :3 It was pretty late when we ended and we were about to go home, but we happened to pass by a jazz bar where a live band was playing so we dropped by for around an hour or so no matter how late it was. I had two Long Island Iced Teas too, so that added to the fun wahahaha. Have you ever been in a fist fight? No. Can you cook? Not even to save my life. What time is it? 7:14 PM. Do you love animals? Yes. <3 What's the last thing you touched that wasn't a part of the computer? My phone. What color are your eyes? Black. Are you waiting for a phone call? Not right now, no. Does it annoy you when dogs pant a lot? Why would it annoy me? Who's one person you care about more than yourself? Gab, clearly. How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Four. I only got to sleep by 2 AM but I had to wake up at 6 AM to prepare for morning mass, u g h. Are there any pets you're wishing for? Nope, I’m more than content with my dog. When's the last time you used hand sanitizer? Maybe in the last week or so, I’m not super certain. Are you waiting for a phone call? Again, no. Wearing anything that isn't yours? Nope, both top and bottom are mine. What is the most annoying thing in the world, to you? STUPID DRIVERS Whatcha gonna do now? =] Take another survey, hopefully.

#survey #surveys