#I love and trust my friends with a lot of things but I am not flexible on avalanche risk at all

[alchemania]

Finally got enough energy to talk about Furina's SQ and while I loved her and the troupe, MC and Paimon were .... Not Great. I talked about this with friends but in Paimon's case especially, the way they interact with Furina feels like people who just don't understand trauma and depression and then engage with someone suffering from both in all the wrong ways.

Talking about how much of a downgrade her house is from the opera house, making fun of how she can't cook, pushing her to act when she's set a very clear boundary and then guilt tripping her after she's stuck to her guns, shaming her for not being able to fight well (Paimon literally talks about how second hand embarrassment is overwhelming and I'm just like ?????), telling her she's "not acting like herself" when she attempts to open up and be vulnerable....it's just really rough. That and the MC asking "is something wrong" when Furina gets sad over Poission ..like bro people died and she couldn't save them and she's tearing herself apart over it. Those people are never coming back and you know it and you have the gall to ask her is something wrong??? Of COURSE there is!!

It just feels especially odd because we literally get to see all of Furina's suffering and Paimon in particular is. SO mean? Like she was more understanding with Wanderer and Ei and THEY'VE tried to kill us multiple times!! I don't get it, and honestly I'm very proud of Furina for refusing to waver. Let her rest!! She's tired and depressed and she needs time to heal; and honestly fuck Paimon for trying to make her feel bad. Furina's worked harder than she EVER will.

#as someone with depression and who's highly sensitive this story quest hurt a LOT because ive also encountered people who don't understand. #i've been told i need to get over my anxiety. i've been asked what am i so tired from since i just lay in bed. #so furina's character and how she was treated hit very very hard for me. she's isolating herself and not coping well but she is TRYING. #she's trying so hard and she equates her worth to her role. like she literally tells you that she serves no more use to anyone. #and i wanted to shake her so hard. because it's not about what she can do #she has worth simply because she exists. full stop. she is loved and she is appreciated just for being herself #her worth isn't decided by her power yk?? #i hope she can rest and heal and find some good friends - after the way mc and paimon treated her i honestly don't think they should be #or if they are; they'd have to work to earn her trust cuz good LORD. they treated her so weird and so tone deaf!! #i've seen a lot of people complaining about it too so im glad im not alone. #anyway. there is something wrong with me i have cried actual tears over furina please god she needs a hug #and to be told she did a good job and she can rest now and things will get better #4.2 spoilers #genshin impact #furina

[willowfey]

starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal

#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept #i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them #if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens #i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it #i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut #it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair #my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking #if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back #if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off #ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal #but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends #i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens #and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too #since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out #i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now #now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that #i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly. #if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill #in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it #my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes #sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know??? #but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested #i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore #i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world

[99probalos]

beach episode!

#IM SO SORRY I FORGOT TO POST THIS . LORD #i finished this like a week or two ago it just slipped my mind to actually post #anyways hello everypony #thank you to will for the lovely idea ❤️ as always #i just really like the idea of jacob being a total flake and everyone else just hanging out because theres nothing better to do #but theyre still friends because friendship is magic <3 #ehehe. anyways i hope u all enjoy #sid totally throws big rocks off of bridges . i love him #anyways #siddex my beloved #OH ALSO. 70s au update #im about 1/3 through chapter 4 #i had to stop writing for a bit bc i was housesitting but im back now #im having a lot of fun writing julie... i like being able to bounce around from memory to the present #and finally having jacob here is. well. its setting things in motion #my apologies for not updating you guys as often as i used to #summer is. well. its great until its not #but i promise u i am working on it !!! #that makes it sound like im not. um. just trust me guys #rlm #redlettermedia #gorilla interrupted #art #dex #sid #julie #ray grabowski #siddex #fanart

[siena-sevenwits]

💎

#Take with grain of salt - not exactly sad but will probably feel much dandier another time #Tonight I want so much to create - to make stories that will make others love what is good and true and beautiful #I have a condition which (among a lot of other things that are irrelevant to this post) causes me to feel very tired a lot of the time. #and I also tend to go through bouts of insomnia - in the middle of one now. #It's small potatoes compared to what a lot of my friends have to go through health-wise and I am grateful #(though i probably should be more so) #But - the point. I am just so tired all the time and I try to soldier through and be creative because that's the way my heart is shaped #But so often I just feel like the exhaustion sabotages everything and tonight I am just aching to be more creative than I've been #I'm not unhopeful about it - so many people go through this after all and end up making wonderful art. And there's something to be said for #patience and filling the creative well and trusting all to God. But tonight I feel - not sorry for myself thankfully - just very wistful. #Wanting to make something really beautiful and see it through the end and be more resilient in the face of the tiredness. #(Ha - my life is a good one if that's what's making me wistful!) #God can do whatever He wants with it and maybe the greater glory is for another time. #But I also wonder... I would not have been calling to Him unless He has been calling to me - and I hope! #OK - sentimental pout over. ;-) #neverending storytellers

[jtkys]

silly little ollie + sugu moodboard thing :33 @twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat hehe I hope u don’t mind the tag but this was super fun >:3

#I. didn’t really know how to capture the vibes but for my first one I think I did well!! #I was picturing teen!sugu with this one……… >:3 was kinda imaging childhood friends to lovers………. I’m a simple being !!!! #but yes I think we would be. very orange cat and black cat #this whole thing doesn’t really come across as very romantic but TRUST ME THE LACK OF ROMANCE WAS MY GOAL. #I think the most important part of the dynamic is that it would be a VERY long slow burn!! #lots of mutual pining and lots of emotional growth!! on both sides <333 #very much ‘you mean so much to me and I love you enough that I don’t feel a need to label us as platonic OR romantic’ yk :3 #does this make sense…… #HEHEHEERFFEHDURH I CANT WAIT 2 DO MORE!! ^.^ #kinda nervous posting this but ^.^ I am fun I am cringe I am free

[creatively-cosmic]

Hi there!

Just wanted to say that I really like your artwork and am a fan of the Missing Numbers stuff. The way the characters are made/portrayed has me in a chokehold ngl. (Fire and Blue are probably my favorite characters, they look really cool-)

But I was curious/had a question about Fire. The scar he has on his chest, the one surrounded by the rings of Arceus: How did he get it? And because it’s been said that Fire is too important to die: does Arceus heal all of Fire’s wounds or just the fatal ones?

That is all though! Have a good morning/afternoon/evening wherever you are!

first of all THANK YOU SO MUCH??? im so glad you like this insane little story of ours!!! hearing ppl really do care about it only motivates us more to work on it!!

As for your questions, these are very fun ones. You're asking all the right things.

(This got long.)

First: The Scar.

The scar over his heart is a very spiritual one. The rings are a part of it, in fact, not just markings.

Fire was made to be the perfect replacement. A flawless player avatar who was only that, and nothing more. A body to be inhabited, controled, and a face to be remembered and idolized. When a player controls this avatar, especially in Pokemon, it doesn't have any free will of its own. Isn't supposed to. Not allowed to think or feel. Just a window into the world through which you experience it.

Extra care was put into making him fit this, as perhaps the most important "avatar" in the Almighty's eyes, and especially after the critical failure that was Glitchy, who's emotions and freedom led him to not only his demise, but mass corruption of the old world that required a total overwrite.

... When a human is made, it is only natural that they've a heart and soul to them. Free will is something that defines humanity. For this man, however, that was not an option.

To get to the point: The scar is where a hand of the Almighty cut his heart from his chest. His mind was also taken from him- did you notice the Golden scar on his neck?

It wasn't always like this. He was made meek on purpose. Quiet. Complacent. Cold. But it was soon proven by another boy's meddling that not a single risk could be taken, leading to his first death at the hands of frostbite. And the subsequent, forced removal of his free will.

So, he was left after with no heart to feel, and no head to think with. ...That was the plan, at least. But time has a funny way of healing all wounds. Reds have always had a funny way of surpassing expectations, for better or for worse.

Second: The Deaths.

Death is a recurring thing in Missing Numbers- the answer to how Fire survives answers how everyone survives, honestly. It all comes down to the fact that the world of Pokemon is a game. And what do you do, when something goes wrong in a game? When you lose? When you die? And, what does the game do when it breaks? How does it handle that? When it's overwhelmed by impossible demands?

Reset. Restart. Try again.

Of course, you, the player, will remember what happened outside of the resets. That's how you learn, and do better, to avoid losing again. You have a different, higher perspective.

The characters within aren't supposed to remember, though. You can rewind, step back, redo things as much as you need- they'll always be the exact same. Unknowing, unaffected. So when Fire dies? When Blue dies? Those two particularly are in a vicious cycle, where things are always put right back to before they went wrong, but...

A big part of the horror aspect of Missing Numbers is breaking this world enough, that the beings inside of the game see past the veil.

The main four we post about within this story have all already had their perspectives shattered to see beyond that. So even if they can't comprehend it or understand why this happens, they remember it. The more it happens, the more powerless you feel. The more desperate you get for your actions to hold meaning. The more drastic the measures you take will become.

Trying over and over and over and over

and over and over and over and over

and over and over and over and over

and over and over and over and over

and over again.

#had a lot of fun answering this!! i love talking abt missing numbers lore :) #trust me when i say there's a LOT to it #and i am ALWAYS. happy to answer any questions about it #im not cagey about it on purpose i just infodump to my friends on discord instead of for everyone to see on tumblr #so pleasseeeee never be afraid to ask things if you're curious i loved answering this !!!! #missing numbers

[kellystar321]

.

#periodical life updates #man the second artfight ends someone remind me to start working on my selfship blog FOR REAL. i keep putting it off but i have so many #things to post about my little f/os oguhg </3 wanna make it look all pretty first and draw all the little things for it :> #anyway hi happy artfight!! my drawing tablet broke </3 im working on attacks with my sib's tablet. i am trying very hard. #i have some things queued to post though its mostly easy things and things i already had tags for in my drafts #im so. tired. feeling a little inadequate because it feels like i cant keep up with anything. im behind on af attacks and talking to people #and my queue and sht (i have so many drafts) and i want to do everything and im gwaughhh that i cant #but i know its just ''dont trust anything after 9 pm'' thoughts. im doing well. im making progress. i literally made a spreadsheet and can #visibly track the progress im making. im working on 25+ attacks. im trying. i give myself a lot of work and im doing my best #almost 4 am oh no! still gotta brush my teeth; thats why im still awake really otherwise id be snork mimimi-ing it up <3 #changed my discord avatar to an attack my friend moss drew for me <3 its of my boy stickers i love him!! #tomorrow im gonna work on a background for one of my animated pieces maybe <3 #hm... do i have any other updates... man i guess thats it :P #i love you <33 hope you're all well <3

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

..

#praying friends—say a prayer for me when you think of it maybe? #I’m just… trying to work through a whole lot of things that are on my mind lately #and I am quite prone to fear and anxiety and worrying over things that I really should hand to God and relinquish all hold on myself #I’ve got some medical concerns happening lately (weird aches and pains. probably nothing possibly something minor) #and that’s certainly exacerbating the situation #I just… I want peace. and rest. and trust. no more fear and worry and confusion and shame. #and I really need someone to discuss all of this with. I think maybe that would help. #and I just need God to send me someone #someone who can help me understand everything clearly again and remind me of what I already know to be true #thinking of talking to my pastor about it but he’s very busy and I’m not especially close to him so I’m not 100% sure how to approach it #anyway. yes. prayers plz. #and thank you all for being my friends. I love you all. this website and the people on it means so much to me. <3 #delete later

[fefairys]

ramble about anxieties with psy that got longer than i inteded so its going under the break

my sibling pointed out that we should be careful with melody's character at the risk of falling into stereotypes of black and trans women being seen as annoying/loud/too much but like she is just such a Real Person to me that if we toned her down to try and avoid those stereotypes it would feel Wrong to me? like to me she is not a stereotype she is just a person who is having fun. and the thing is everyone adores her for it, no one except psy thinks she is annoying or Too Much, they love her. but like that is such a major concern to me that i was sure we were gonna get hate mail the second her chapter dropped (so so thankful that everyone seems to love her as much as we do and that that did not happen lol) and now that someone actually pointed it out (my fucking SIBLING no less) i am so anxious about it all over again when i had previously gotten over it and decided 'no, she's not a stereotype, she's a human with many multitudes!'

toning her down and making her "nicer" or whatever seems like. worse. it's just this loop of like. okay but we wrote her that way and we didnt have to. but shes such a real person in our heads. but shes NOT a real person shes a fictional character and we can write her however we want. idk i dont think it is an issue like i think she is good. i think you just gotta see that shes a very complex individual, as are all of the characters in psy. it would be even worse to make her Perfect and Nice and Never Does Anything Wrong to avoid making a black trans woman look bad on screen. like shes not perfect despite everyone she knows seeing her that way. and her seeing herself that way as a coping tool i have said too much

#tho sometimes i feel like my sibling is a little bit too... hmm how do i say this #well one time when we were younger we watched coraline together #and theres a line where wybie calls coraline 'crazy' and also a line where coraline calls the other mother an 'evil witch' #and my sibling got offended by both of these lines #and i was like ok im 10 and im trying to show u my favorite movie im sorry that the child in the movie called his child friend 'crazy' #im sorry that the child in the movie called the evil woman trying to fuckin. steal her away from her world or whatever an 'evil witch' #like i am sorry u r so offended on behalf of all the real life witches you know. but this is childrens fiction #anyways #completely unrelated in terms of content #but do u know what im trying to say #and i mean that was a long time ago #theyre just trying to look out for me.. i was like 'no i know i think you should wait and see where its going' #and they said 'ok i trust you and i will defend u against anyone who comes for u' sdsklfsjdf SO LIKE ITS FINE #but it still got me thinking about it all over again. siiiiiigh #i mean other than that they said they loved it and had lots of very kind things to say about it. #but of course the one criticism is whats gnawing at me. even tho they walked it back like that. lmao #personal

[iloveyoumorethansoup]

Things I have learned tonight: I am much better at taking care of myself than I was able to in the past, I have absolute faith in myself that I can do things if I set my mind to them, and forgiveness is not always the right answer nor am I a forgiving person

#i was one of those people who got taught to always forgive and forget live laugh love issues away #and I’ve been feeling like oh I have to move on from this so we can go move cross country together #like bestie red flag alert why are you moving cross country with someone who broke your trust like that??? #ur gonna resent them forever if u move in with them!!! #also like. yeah it’s more helpful to move to an expensive place with more people but 4 total is fine #considering I’m moving for career reasons I think I’ll be able to have the energy to pull the weight of 1.5x people if needed #maybe 2 but let’s not go there until absolutely needed #and man. i am so glad I can look out for myself in this situation #my exact nightmare scenario is my parents finding this blog. genuinely a debilitating fear throughout my last 7 years #I’d have nightmares about it whenever I got hit with waves of anxiety I’d start deleting things off my phone #but then I couldn’t do anything but hide. hope for the best. and I did hide for 8 years going on now. thankful for every day of peace #i loved this thing so much and I was so afraid to lose it. I don’t know how I didn’t crack under the amount of strain I was under #i don’t need to deal with any of that ever again. I’m in college now if I want my blog I keep my blog #even if it means losing a friendship #Yknow. when I cut off contact with my best friend I realized in a post very similar to this one #though that was more I’m sick of feeling worthless and this will hurt a lot but I need to take care of myself type #this one. well we’ve never been emotionally close ever. so. it’ll more be irritating when I want to do something I’d do with her #then I’ll have to go with someone else #this one I don’t think I’m going to completely cut off all contact tho. we have common friends and they don’t need to be dragged into this #but 1 on 1 we will not be seeing each other again #and I am only extending the invite if absolutely necessary #soup talks

[aquiilegia]

I don’t feel like I’m a particularly conflict averse person, or that it’s something that really marks most of my interactions day to day, or interactions generally or what have you. I think my bold outlier around risk management is in the mountains. anyway, some friends are planning a snowshoe in an area that’s been at moderate-considerable risk all week, and just got downgraded to low-moderate BUT LIKE none of them have any type of safety training with avalanche risk or winter rescue. Two of them were “planning to do it this winter” which is good but doesn’t really make a difference about tomorrow ????

kinda sucks being the safety weenie, actually the whole conversation has really got me bent out of shape. like it will probably “be fine” but it just bothers me that until I brought up this weeks forecasting and bulletins no one from the group had even thought to pull up the avalanche canada website?? good god

Right now I feel like friends are either without any avvy awareness at all and unwilling to learn (deal breaker for me), or are friends who are super educated and experienced w rescue but are way way way too hardcore for me (I simply could not keep up and would need to be mentally carried by the group)

#I might just book myself a morning ticket at the local family resort for some in bound laps or even dust off the xcountry skis #I love and trust my friends with a lot of things but I am not flexible on avalanche risk at all

[crabussy]

you guys would not believe the convo I just had with some of the sys (sunny, circe, moon, phoebe, francis, martin and jon)

we were in the living room of headspace discussing what stuff we should do while on holiday and a fucking. disembodied brain??? floats into the middle of the room??? and just hovers there and we're all freaked the fuck out and it just. becomes a full nervous system and them it has muscles and skin and clothes and boom. it was phoebe. WHAT THE FUCK. WHY WOULD SHE. WHAT. WHY.

turns out she was just having fun fucking with the dream-physics of headspace. later in the convo she was suddenly an autism creature after a brief confetti explosion and then she turned her hair into hatsune miku's hair. wtf is wrong with this girl. also british people (jon and martin) joined the convo and started being GAY IN FRONT OF ALL OF US. GROSS (it was cute actually)

#it was a good convo!!! today is a good day in the system ((: everyones getting along for once and things arent as fuzzy as usual :D #jon and martin were being GAY. moon was just Sitting There. phoebe butted in a lot but its ok we love her #circe is actually much wilder than I thought??? I'm not too close with her but I assumed she wasn't that silly but turns out shes bonkers #I underestimated your clownery circe. im sorry #also I get!! really nervous talking about this on main! because I've had really scary rubbish encounters with fakeclaimers in the past etc #so I kinda feel anxious when talking about the positive parts of being part of a system #because everyone on r/fakedisordercringe believes that plurality is a traumatic nightmare 100% of the time )): #its hard!! its REALLY difficult and sucky being a system. #of course it is we're 24 people sharing one body and 23 of us can't even be acknowledged #etc etc. it sucks its a disorder #BUT its also just an alternate way of existing as a human!! we have fun we make friends we make fun of each other and have good times. #mostly. #WOW. RANT. OOPS. but I just want to say that I want to share my experiences as part of a nutty crew of morons... a ragtag band of misfits.. #I want to show you guys the positives. try and destigmatise this bitch!!!!! the negatives are there too and I will talk about them sometime #but for now. this was a really fun convo and I wanted to share it #robin shut up challenge #not gonna tag this as anything because I don't want anons telling me I'm making stuff up. #please trust me I've been told that dozens of times you really don't need to tell me #my professional psychiatrist/therapist believes I am a system. you are a stranger on the internet who has never met me. please refrain from #sending anons fakeclaiming #WOW I AM NERVOUS TODAY BOYS #dont be surprised if this post disappears

[korusalka]

.

#i am not exactly surprised but pleasantly touched by the familiarity of some friendships #one friend brought her bf today and his bigass truck to help & of course he didn't have to but he did it like it was the most normal thing #the idea of transactionality is still very resistant in my mind very much in the vein of I have to make up for the fact that it's me #like it causes me almost physical pain when i feel indebted to anyone (even if in that case I've helped out my friends a lot #with lots of little and bigtime favours that i never reallycounted but still #as in affection is boundless yet i have to make up for the fact that i receive care & help from others #obviously that doesn't help at all. people can tell & then think your way of transactional friendship applies the other way around as well #so i try to shove that complex as deeply in the closet as i can & i try to trust people that they in fact do love me unconditionally #very angsty today but i had a super nice day which was sorely needed and i love my friends. in their hands i feel safe #do not rb

[90sbee]

may i finally have a year where i stop being scared of intimacy in all levels :3 please this is getting ridiculous i am gonna turn 27 this year and i was NOT this way before.... embarrassing...

#like ofc being vulnerable is scary but damn bitch u cant live like this. be cringey and sad and embarrassing it is okay™... #it is healthy it is part of life... #like i guess i've always been scared of intimacy/being vulnerale and i just. got lucky to get in relationships with ppl i trusted a lot #and like i was 100% okay with all types of intimacy with them but like since my last relationship #i have been so unable to connect with someone romanticslly cos i aM so SCARED AND JDJDJDD ENOUGH #like yeah yeah u gonna say u have feelings and she gonna say she just sees u as a friend like yeah yeah move on #or like yeah yeah u gonna say u have feelings and she will have feelings too but u wont be compatible #or she will live too far away #or it wont last #and like thats fine like yeah yeah thsts part of life. we've all seen it. #jsdudkdkd #anyway i guess the vulnerabiliy thing applies to like all.aspecgs of my life but it bothers me the most relationship wise #bc i really would like to settle down and love someone and like. i dont see thst happening any time soon #or any time tbh jdkdd #JDKDJD THIS DRAFT IS FROM THREE DAYS AGO BYE #boludeces y reclamos mios(?

[neverendingford]

.

#ngl part of what makes me so trustworthy is because I cannot imagine doing things differently. #like. of course you would trust me. why wouldn't you? I can't even imagine a reason why you wouldn't. my naivete is apparent on my face #my manager yesterday was like 'thanks for coming to work today' and I was like.. of course?? why wouldn't I show up to work??? #I literally signed up for this job and promised to come to work on time. I cannot even conceive of just.. calling out for no reason #like. of course you can invite me to your house. I am a guileless being who might cause harm on accident #but would never even imagine harming you on purpose. #it's the autistic 'that's The Way Things Are' perspective. I cannot wrap my head around how or why anyone would behave differently #part of why I will always love and trust my dad even though he's emotionally distant and kind of terrible at communication. he's the same #he's so bad at seeing things from someone else's perspective (same autism lol) but I know where I stand with him always #incapable of mental elasticity can also mean once a cinnamon roll always a cinnamon roll. wouldn't lie to you even if he wanted to. #idk. just thinking about social relationships again and how I accidentally speedrun trust and vulnerability with people a lot #maybe it's just selection bias and I actually just attract people who trust easily. idk. #I've made friends with a lot of very grumpy angry people who no one else would make friends with so maybe I am just good at it. who knows #tag talk

[whetstonefires]

One thing I don't think I've ever seen talked about is how post-apocalypse ideation is largely about homelessness.

Homelessness looms large in the American consciousness. Like, not that it's irrelevant elsewhere, but it's got a particular cultural place in the US that's reflected in Hollywood, and therefore relevant because what makes it into film and TV sets the terms of so many conversations.

We don't acknowledge it if we can help it, but I think most people know they're never more than a few very bad months from winding up there.

Even people who are sure it only happens to people who deserve it, who fuck up and put one foot in the morass of their own foolish volition. Even they know the quicksand is there, waiting to be walked into, and that the odds are stacked against ever climbing out on your own once you have. And that they, too, are capable of fucking up. Of trusting the wrong person. Of getting cancer incorrectly.

And those of us who know damn well we can't be sure we're safe even if we do everything right, we know it even better.

And in that sense it doesn't matter what the world would realistically look like after X kind of apocalypse, what people would do, how society would adapt. Because the anxiety that's being processed is about the reality that's in existence now.

About what if my world ends. And I lose access to the fruits of developed society, to clean clothes and new glasses and running water, to a safe place to sleep where I don't expect to be killed or robbed, or driven out by men with guns and dogs. To my home and work and family and everything I usually use to tell me who I am.

What if every man's hand is against me, and every meal is a small victory, and there's only my own dwindling strength between me and the long night?

Will I make it? Will I hold up under the strain? Will I retain my dignity? Will I be lucky? Will I be able to protect the people I love, in that world, the world where no one is protecting us anymore?

Is there a way to continue to live as a human person, when you're denied the prerogatives of one, and don't know if you'll ever get them back?

Putting this anxiety into the context of a massive apocalypse divorces this scenario from the burden of shame tied up in the idea of winding up in that sort of situation in the normal course of events, by having society vanish rather than expel you, personally, as a washout, and continue on around you.

It also allows you to rule out a priori the question of what resources might be offered but can't in an anticipatory context be counted on; shelters and programs and housed friends and family who may or may not help. And narrow the narrative to only the question of what you can survive, and often a fairy tale about surviving all of it and starting over.

Rehearsing for a loss in a mythologized format is a very normal anxiety processing behavior, and I think a lot of apocalypse scenario building is attached to the buried dread of that personal apocalypse. But I haven't seen that one make the list.

#hoc est meum #homelessness #apocalypse #post-apocalypse fiction