#very angsty today but i had a super nice day which was sorely needed and i love my friends. in their hands i feel safe

[korusalka]

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#i am not exactly surprised but pleasantly touched by the familiarity of some friendships #one friend brought her bf today and his bigass truck to help & of course he didn't have to but he did it like it was the most normal thing #the idea of transactionality is still very resistant in my mind very much in the vein of I have to make up for the fact that it's me #like it causes me almost physical pain when i feel indebted to anyone (even if in that case I've helped out my friends a lot #with lots of little and bigtime favours that i never reallycounted but still #as in affection is boundless yet i have to make up for the fact that i receive care & help from others #obviously that doesn't help at all. people can tell & then think your way of transactional friendship applies the other way around as well #so i try to shove that complex as deeply in the closet as i can & i try to trust people that they in fact do love me unconditionally #very angsty today but i had a super nice day which was sorely needed and i love my friends. in their hands i feel safe #do not rb