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languagenderflux · 4 years

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It’s 2020

and we all have 2020 vision now, right? ;)

anyway, i feel like i’ve made a lot of progress this past year. I started myself on antidepressants, I konmaried my house (and email), got rid of everything that does not Spark Joy™. I got my anxiety under control, I gave up caffeine and all but gave up alcohol, I started working out, I got a gym membership, I stopped and started T again after I got my acne under control, I started a long-term reversible form of birth control (nexplanon), I set up an appointment for top surgery. I paid off all my credit card debt, I took advantage of my insurance and went to an optometrist and got a prescription for glasses. And this weekend I got rid of a ton of furniture I didn’t need (that i couldn’t get rid of myself), and I finally just cleaned my bathtub again, and now I just haven’t felt this clean and tidy in years.

I still have a ways to go, my room is still a mess, I’m tired all the time and cleaning and tidying is still difficult for me. But I’m a better person than I was last year, and I’m going to be even better in 2020.

This year, I am going to move out, for real this time. I know when my lease is up, and I have access to search for roommates by my deadline. I plan on getting myself a TV I’ll actually use this time, figure out how to hook it up to my computer so I can stream movies/TV shows I’ve downloaded (ain’t nobody got time fo DVDs anymore) instead of probably ruining my eyes watching them on my laptop.

I’m going to change my name legally, finally, since I’ve always wanted to, but I was afraid to since I want to change my last name too and I don’t want my family to feel disrespected. My grandpa is dead now, so he can no longer give me shit about it. I just hope my grandma is ok with me taking her maiden name. And god I hope this process doesn’t kill me, because I heard it’s a bitch.

I’m going to save actual money this year, if I can, if it makes sense with all the student loans I owe, and I’ll apply for loan forgiveness again, which I’ve been meaning to do forever. I’ll try and cut costs where I can and stop all the automatic payments that do not Spark Joy™.

I’ll spend time with my friends and family, instead of sleeping my life away. I plan to become a bigger part in my cousin’s life now, who’s starting high school and is interested in cooking and baking. I will hang out with you again, @seibaku and @phoenixiancrystallist, and not just once a year.

I’m thinking of seeing more movies in theaters this year, even if I have to go alone. It’s an experience I often miss because of schedule conflicts with friends, and we really don’t do much talking during the movie anyway.

I plan on baking more and maybe cooking again, hopefully now that I have a more tidy house. And especially, more than anything, cooking for other people, something I enjoy doing more than anything.

And reading more, peeling myself away from screens near the end of the day. I realize I need to read to feel alive, whether it’s posts on tumblr or other social media or wikipedia articles. I need to absorb knowledge to feel alive.

And most of all, I resolute to try to be a better person, each and every day. Because the Good Place, because Eleanor and Chidi, because I owe it to you, we owe it to each other, to try, to keep trying, to keep fighting for each other. And I owe it to myself, too.

#personal #2020 #new year's resolutions #depression #ftm #trans #the good place #debt #konmarie #marie kondo #moving out #also i'm turning 30 this year and that freaks me out more than you could ever imagine

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