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nkyslover · 8 months

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ateez as boyfies.

mar's notes! jus a whole bunch of wholesome fluff, ts my first post in AGES, b nice every1 and enjoy! <3 (this isnt THAT detailed ok, i tried my best<3). I GOT KINDA CARRIED AWAY IN WOOYOUNGS-

hongjoong . . .

he the sweetest man ever!! we luv hongjoong. hes SO perfect. he's like the man who u have an option to either get w, or regret not choosing him fo the rest of yo life. he puts sososo much effort into making u happy bc ur like, the joy in his life, his lil sunshine and he ADORES u, so much. move nights and late night cuddlin is defo his fav thing to do w u, not to mention him bringing gifts whenever he gets to see u !!

seonghwa . . .

yall know, hes literally malewife. as a bf, he would definitely make sure ur okay like allll around the clock. he cooks for u, he'd make sure u guys eat TOGETHER. he'd keep u company all the time ofc, even if he has a tough schedule he still b like "come w me :<" hes tha clingy cute perfect boyfie we all need.

mingi . . .

often he finds himself singing to u, rapping small verses or even some sentences he feels like singing, bc GOD who would even complain hearing song mingi sing? he'd let u dye his hair whatever color u'd want, often go shopping w u and spoiling u and then showing that cute grin on his face whenever he'd make u flustered infront of other people. we heart mingi, honestly.

yunho . . .

ok so hes big man right? hes tall, hes cute, hes like got the most cute and clumsy and loving personality. this man will definitely cuddle u late at night or whenever he'd come back from rehearsals or sumf. he ALWAYS finds a way to make u nervous, for example: hes taller than you so he'd cower over you when hes asking for something or wanting to sprinkle a lil bit of playfulness into the situation. the lesson is that yunho is puuuuurrrrrfect!

jongho . . .

wakes you up by humming small tunes into your ear, if your mad at that u clearly shouldnt even be thinking of that bro. flashes that smile that has you literally KICKING YOUR FEETS. its absolutely atrocious the amount of smiling this man has me actually doing whenever im watching his lil moments or something. he'd defo take loads of couple goals pictures with you, wear matching outfits. "jongho, can we buy matching beanies?" "baby buy them, you know i'll wear it anyways ^^" epitome of baby. ^^

yeosang . . .

HE BRINGS U TO GYM WITH HIM. and he even helps u with the equipment, and when after you guys go to a cute cafe to grab some food, sitting in the corner and discussing your plans together, overall deciding on staying at home all day to just do coupley things ofc. he lets u do his hair, vice verse as he likes to always play with ur hair and run his fingers through it wording "ur hair is so soft :o." no but IMAGINE OK, but i should stop before i get too carried away..

choi san . . .

another malewife. ok so like insert scenario that ur ill, havin bedrest n shi. HE DECIDED TO STAY W U ALLLLL DAY. he doesnt care if he catches the cold off u bc he js wants to b there for u because he cares and loves u sm !! hes the typa bf to surpise u in every way w bracelets, matchin stuff, makeup, and even small gifts. he js wants to see his pretty princess smilin. he also takes u to gym w him ofc, he cant even think abt not bringing u. end of convo bc im gonna get too carried away likewise w yeosangs. :(

wooyoung . . .

idk why ok but he gives off enemies to lovers typa beat. like he would be battling w u at first and then be heads over heels, and when u FINALLY get together after some plan of friends, u realise that hes literally AMAZING. yes he probably is playful, mostly probably teases alot ngl, but thats his way of showin his love. he absolutely adores u, even if u guys are havin a competition, you always get reminded u got the most loving n best boyfie in the whole wide world. ALSO bonus he buys u so many flowers ur garden is HOARDED in the amount of flowers, he gotta clean all of it up w u, giggling when he realises how cute you look when ur mad and pulls u into a kiss, eventually forgetting about the overload of pretty flowers in ur garden.

#ateez fluff #ateez x reader #ateez imagines #ateez fanfic #hongjoong fluff #seonghwa fluff #yunho fluff #choi san fluff #yeosang fluff #jongho fluff #mingi fluff #wooyoung fluff

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theaspen · 2 years

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summary : Jay seems to keep appearing in your alternate nightmares. He acts as your night in shining armor, always helping you in your sleep. But when you try to stop the nightmares altogether he doesn't like it.

genre : thriller, angst.

pairing : Jay x you

PART 1.

PART TWO

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NOTE: GUESS WHO'S ALIVE LMFAO, IDK HOW MANY FOLLOWERS I LOST BUT YAH MY BAD I SHOULD HAVE ATLEAST PUT UP A NOTICE BUT I MYSELF DID NOT KNOW THAT ILL BE SO BUSY. not that anyone cares but I've noticed that i can NEVER consistently write sumth huge, i need to cut it into parts and update or I'll forget about it all together, hence why this oneshot will now be divided into a few parts. THANKS TO ANYONE READING THIS. also I'll be checking the responses i get after i post this and then think about writing the next part!!

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The first time I saw him, it had been way too long already. It was maybe the nineteenth or twentieth night? It wasn't like it really mattered anyway, when you have near death experiences every single night you just tend to lose count.

My hands were incredibly sweaty and it took everything I had in me to keep clutching to the edge of the hole to prevent falling into…..

I pause, taking a second to look down and see what I'm trying so hard to not fall into and regret immediately when I see nothing but darkness surrounding me, just a black hole of nothing to see miles ahead. Closing my eyes I feel the cold trickle of sweat rolling onto my neck, causing a tickling sensation. My calloused palms finally seemed to fix onto a rough rock giving me more support. And like clockwork as always my heart lifted, hope blossoming onto my chest.

And again, like clockwork, the rock shifted as soon as I put more of my weight onto it. The rocks slips off my fingers and my stomach drops to the floor along with the rest of my body I think in that millisecond. My throat is already preparing itself for a good heart wrenching scream enough to scare anyone with its unadulterated intensity and raw fear.

But the scream never comes. It dies silently in my throat when I don't feel the wind against me as I rush downwards. Instead what I feel is another pair of hands clutching mine, they feel warm against my cold ones and clean and so so soft. When I risk opening one of my eyes, I find a face looking back at me.

And then I wake up.

There's a gentle hand on my chest that tenderly coaxes me to sit up with my back straight. My eyes are sticky when I open them.

The nurse quietly hands me over a cup of water which I take gratefully and have small sips from.

"Is it the same one again?" Kyungsoo asks me.

Kyungsoo has been the nurse assigned to me ever since the accident and hence already aware of my daily night dose of torture.

I heave a great sigh, not bothering to change my nightgown which was slightly damp with cold sweat.

"Ya…" I answer back, "Not to the very end…I think I saw a random hand catching mine before I fell."

Kyungsoo brightness up at this, "Really? I had a feeling , you didn't scream this time."

"What? I didn't??"

Kyungsoo chuckles, happy that I'm showing progress even if it's just that I didn't let out another bone chilling scream from my sleep.

Without warning Kyungsoo flashes a flashlight in my eyes and I grimace. Over the past few weeks, since the car accident ,the only person I've even slightly warmed up to is Kyungsoo.

I'm happier with him, looking forward to the gossip and the company he brings every day, the small voice at the back of my head reminds me that he's probably just pitying me and doing his job but i ignore it, too occupied with the only person in this god forsaken place that treats me like I should be treated.

And no, I don't mean the pitying glances, even if that's incredibly annoying it's a clear given. I mean, I'm in a hospital for god's sake. But I know that everyone who has stepped in to treat me has an ulterior motive to fish more money out of my uncle's loaded pocket.

I know this for a fact, given just a month ago when I overheard my parents talking about the illegal bone marrow transplant that had taken place with the help of this very hospital. This news was just twice as bad when I think about the fact that the bone marrow transplant was for me and it was taken by my step brother who was only adopted to serve that purpose…and who was now dead along with my parents.

"Your uncle wants you to see a therapist soon." Kyungsoo interrupts my inner dilemma.

My face tenses immediately,

"I don't think I want to so soon…." I whisper.

Kyungsoo gives me a sympathetic nod.

"I know, and I told him so as well. Think about it okay? He wants to see you as well."

I nod, and he leaves me alone to go attend to other duties.

Sleep doesn't come easy as always. The air conditioning is too cold, I can't shift to a position of my liking because of my injuries and my mouth is dry but I would rather suffer a bit more than call in someone just to get me a glass of water. Eventually my eyes get heavy and I drift into the dark once again.

This time I'm in a car. The minute I'm able to think and process where I am, panic immediately settles in, my hands reach press against the glass but I see nothing but flames surrounding me , the smoke slowly begins to slip through the cracks and although I'm not in any real danger my breath is already thinning, my lungs seem to collapse on themselves and my brain shuts itself down. Every night I tell myself to remember to just sit still and wait for the danger to pass till I wake up. To just shut your eyes tight and curl up into a ball, to tell yourself the sensations and emotions I feel are imaginary and not real. Yet as always I can feel myself panicking and crying in despair. Perhaps a part of me is afraid that once I stop trying I won't wake up again.

The smoke turns thicker, and I have got to give my brain some credit, because the smoke seems to be winding itself in beautiful swirling patterns in the car and then it slowly turns into a deep shade of red. At this point I'm already hysteric. I don't know why but I've never tried to open the windows or the door. I just keep banging the door hoping it would fall out. As if it couldn't get worse, I can feel the smoke curl itself around my neck.

My hands are trembling widely and I'm pretty sure I threw up although it's not possible, my eyes sting with fresh tears and the smoke leaves my throat scratchy. The smoke that had slowly formed a ring around my neck seems to get tighter. It rubs against my skin uncomfortably and with every breath I try to make the ropes bind themselves tighter.

Any moment now. I tell myself, but when minutes pass and I'm laying on the seats trying to gasp for breath like a fish out of water , my eyes never open. I don't find myself in the hospital gown with someone beside me and I think that finally, maybe this time I'll be going for good. Just as the thought settles in, maybe now I'll be at peace with no more nightly terrors to look forward to. I hear the click of a door and someone's skin brushing against my body.

My eyes are open but I don't dare to look around instead choosing to focus on my breath. Two hands go under my back and lift me up. There's a deep groan right beside my ear. I can feel myself slipping in and out of consciousness but as soon as I'm out of the immense heat surrounding me the cloud of smoke disappear, my vision clears and I blink rapidly. I sit up immediately and cough, spotting my saviour sitting beside me. Also looking exhausted. His black shirt is torn in various places. He seems to be catching his breath and ruffling his brown hair.

"Are you okay?" I ask after a moment of hesitation, I'm not sure what I should ask someone who just saved me.

Said person turns around, his gray eyes bord into mine, a bit intimidating. After a small stretch of silence he replies, not to me, but speaking more to himself,

"It's okay, you'll wake up soon."

I get even quieter at that if possible.

He gets up to leave but I stop him, grabbing his wrist which is surprisingly warm and so human it freaks me out a bit.

"Wait, what's your name?"

He looks shocked and confused too as if no one had asked him that question before. He thinks for a second before answering , "Jay.."

And then I wake up. This time when I wake up I curse out loud. Kyungsoo who was sleeping and drooling on his own arm, jolts awake, "Jesus fuck! What the hell happened? are you good?"

I groan heavily, throwing my pillow in frustration. "Dammit! I didn't even thank him!"

"Thank who?"

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TAGLIST IS OPEN

@sunjaylove @ryejigyu

Part 2 will be coming soon

#jake #enhypen fluff #jay #enhypen angst #sunoo #enhypen #enhypen thriller #horror prompts #enhypen headcannons #enhypen scenarios #enhypen oneshots #jay oneshot #jay scenarios #enhypen jay #enhypen fantasy #enha #enha x reader #enha social media au

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please-give-dd-bread · 3 months

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so remember this bahooey? if you don't feel like clicking, uhm basically i took the screw you pusu band, tuyu's/omutatsu's bus-chan from the songs anoyo-iki no basu ni notte saraba and shuuten no saki ga aru to suru naraba and wondershow-ified her cuz she somehow ends up getting in some of my ruikasa posts (that barely exist cuz i almost never make them. dw my head is brimming with other less angsty ideas. [insert fluffy beach scene here but we're not talking about that now])

and well... i never really mentioned what happened to ruikasa with the inclusion of bus-chan to wxs soooo uhm. here.

so you know how bus-chan's songs are about suicide, right? uhh yeah... (i think you know where i'm going with this I'M SORRYYY)

uhm MEGA trigger warning suicide under the cut (uh oh. also besides the trigger warning this text post is VERY long)

uh huhh. so my ultimate scrunklies end up oofing themselves. don't ask me how or why. somehow and somewhy (a part of me wants to say they deserved this for eating my brain packed with fandoms at their fixer dinner date but also. THEY DIEDDD WAAAAAA)

i'm thinking for tsukasa it's more of a kako ni situation where he somehow messes up on one of their shows and it all just. spirals down from there while for rui we just. jump right to anoyo-iki

and right before darkness, a butt ton of white triangles cover their vision, as if they're entering sekai and all that jazz (they oof separately btw. and in numerical order, 1 goes before 2)

and then when they come to (apart from each other obviously) they wake up in essentially the real world, just. there's no one there. not even miku. (also did i mention it's like midnight forever. heh 12:00) so they explore this "sekai" and stuff! and it's just you know blah blooh bleh what is this place is this where you go when you die i must've deserved this then. where this au starts is essentially shuuten no saki "a warm flower bed, how inviting.../and bathing under this sparkling river.../and at night, all of the stars, they're just so close/but even so, there isn't anyone here!"

and before you ask yes. i am sitting on the floor, on my knees, raising my hands, asking myself what i have done and why to reach this

i'm literally just doing this on the floor

and theeen. they finally find each other. at first they're like OH MY GOD WHERE WERE YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE with the huggies and the crieses and then the realization sets in WAIT YOU DIED TOO NOOOO YOU NEVER DESERVED TO DIE TTTTT^TTTTT just. "i just never wanted you to ever end up like me"

did i forget to mention. uhm time in this "sekai" (i'll keep using quotes idk what to call it) works differently than time irl, so irl the whole looking for an endpoint thing takes about a week, but in the "sekai". honestly who knows how much time has passed.

anyways from that point they're just working out their feelings. the main goal here is to have the accept what has happened and move on, i guess? they're supposed to find their self-worth (which in this state? is going to take a while.) but also. ruikasa confessioooon hehe!!! so back when they were still alive they had crushes on each other but of course. never got around to saying it. so now they've confessed and are trying to make the other see what he sees and then they slowly start to regret oofing themselves

from the start of this thing about two days has passed irl and yeah everyone pretty much found out they're gone (saki was lying on the floor screaming crying the liquid water out of her body. leo/need suspected something and was met with that scene. and they're all going to comfort her. basically time to take a break from whatever this above paragraphs are.)

anyways when they (scrunkles) finally accept they are worth something and regret oofing themselves and are like. "if there's an endpoint, a way out of here, please, i want you to go, just take it and leave" oh my goodness finally

the sun rises and miku FINALLY arrives (not like any miku or version of miku bound to any sekai but THE miku hatsune) (the appearance of hatsune miku) and she's like "hi i'm hatsune miku, not the wondershow miku but THE hatsune miku big deal i know. so i see you've finally realized your true feelings once more and blah" and they go "okay so can you... i don't know... resurrect us into the real world of humans?" and then she goes blink blink "i may be the one to watch over all of the sekais, and maybe control them but even i only have so much power. i can take you to another place, but it won't be what you expect." and then they're like "...what--" and then miku takes them to ~the in between~. you know. the in between of all the sekais to ever exist. the white triangley space where you as in the player can talk to miku. anyways cue journey by deco*27 (the miku version)

so miku's like "welcome to the in between! this is the place in between all the sekais and explanation stuff there are about as many sekais as there are people probably and whatever and here's rin and len and everyone else, say hii" and then she goes "so. as vocaloids we can just show up in any sekai whenever we want, but once we enter, we get another persona influenced by the feelings of the creators, or in your and mafuyu's case, creator and can't leave. in your cases thooouuugh, i'm pretty sure you can just. hop in and out of a sekai kind of like how you do normally, except when you exit a sekai you go back here rather than the real world. you can also enter a sekai and project onto their devices too! so you're basically one of us vocaloids, without the robotic voice" and then rui's like "...so if i hop in say this sekai i'll interact normally and stuff, just when i exit i go back here" and miku goes "mhm!" meanwhile tsukasa's just. "WHERE IS SAKI'S SEKAI I NEED TO APOLOGIZE TO HER NOOOOWWWW SHE'S PROBABLY CRYING OVER ME" and kaito's like "okay okay. hold on i'll pull up the school sekai for you" and yay tenma siblings reunion!!! and he explains his situation and stuff and his boyfriend follows him and they explore all the different sekais like me scrolling the ruikasa tag on ao3 and whatever.

i do feel like they'd probably hang around the empty sekai more (cuz ~ eMoTiOnS ~ and ~ fEeLiNgS ~ and they have hands on experience with the suicide and the self harm)

wow the freakish amount of crack-fic i could work on from there is stupid. just imagine not only tsukasa, but rui too showing up in the street sekai. "hmm. i sense a new presence." "WAUGH HOW WHAT WHY ARE YOU HERE" "wait HOW DID THEY GET HERE" "guys calm down they're just rui and tsukasa??? i mean yeah, how did they get here but why are you guys scared of them??" "WE HAVE TO BE THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FREAKING DEAD HOW-WHA-WHY-WHAAA???" "wait they're dead??? oh my god what's going on???"

hweh that's all =w=

#ruikasa #tuyu #tw suicide #project sekai #prsk

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todayisafridaynight · 1 year

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Wait... you know Hetalia???!!!

I love Hetalia and I'm forever thankful that I was never exposed/encountered the bad side of it, especially since I've been in the Hetalia fandom for a long time. It does make me feel sad that whenever I bring up Hetalia, it's the bad side people only know 😔.

I still follow Himaruya's post (comic strips), if there's a new season, new character song, new theme song, drama cds, new musical, and merch. Atm, I have a mochi England plushie (it's the only one available) and a hetalia jacket. (I'm poor).

I fell inlove with history (I now love historical (even war) movies and known as the weird but smart/nerd and quiet student 🤣😅) and came to appreciate languages and culture of other countries, really fascinating. I also became a yearly viewer of Eurovision 😅. Some songs are in my playlist.

I love the characters cause despite them being based on stereotypes, you can see that they have their own distinct personality. Also the fact that they have human names, it really helps prevent people from thinking I'm crazy XD.

For anyone wondering (since I saw some anons who didn't know about it), Hetalia is a comedy/satire show/comic starring the personification of countries. Every epsiode is only 5 minutes so it's very quick. It can be/seem offensive, depending how you take some moments. It sometimes hits you with emotional damage out of nowhere and that's what I'm focused on in this fandom. Angst and historical aus is my bread and butter. Eng dub is great, it's like an official abridged XD. Be ready for the accents. It also has a movie. Expect silly moments most of the time. The story is not linear, it tackles history from 900-1000's to present time. It sometimes feels like a slice of life anime with historical/cultural trivias/jokes sprinkled in there. It has canon AUs as well like nyotalia, which is basically genderbent version of chars or nekotalia, which is the cast as cats. Advice, take the infos in the show with a grain of salt and maybe don't take everything seriously. It consists of a lot of male characters , so very limited female cast.

Now for the fandom, I can't control what part of it you may run into so uh... goodluck. Lucky for you, it's chill compared to what it's like before, like no joke. It does feel barren sometimes. Just beware ig lol. (I'm not really showing confidence towards the fandom, despite being part of it HAHAHAH XD) Be ready for the weirdness, we have Iceland x Fridge, Gru (yes from despicable me) x lovino (s. italy), sweden x ikea, toris (lithuiana) x therapy/happiness to name a few (crack) ships and a fricking religion called Doitsuism, idk why but it exists. 😂🤣🤣😅😭

If anyone is curious about character songs theres: aiyaa 4000 years (china), Moi moi (Finland), How about me (Estonia), Excuse me I'm sorry (Japan), white flame (Russia), and steady rhythmus (Germany) to name a few. There's a ton more, some have multiple char songs, while others have only one song. There's also group songs (two of which are christmas songs). Every song is sung by their VAs in the anime, including the ending songs. It has multiple versions so if you're tired listening to Italy singing the ed, try to listen to idk England's version, each one has different vibe and unique lyrics fitting for the char. Example, Ed 1 can be orchestral or rock depending which version you listened to, really cool stuff imo.

Sincerely,

From a (confused if I should be a proud) Hetalia Veteran 🤣😅

p.s. I love your Arakawa family, Masadai, and Minedai comics. It always makes me smile. Also, sorry for the long ass post 😅. Why can't I write like this whenever I'm tasked with writing an essay. This was made by a sleep deprived individual and unfortunately I'm letting out my zoomies (is this correct idk) through this, sorry. I'm now going to sleep. I'll probably regret all of this when I wake up lol.

well for the mates who kept asking about hetalia. here you are

#long post #snap chats #anon im going to give you an award because the last time i got an ask this long it was about vexen being an alcoholic #tho tbh i think teven that was a lil longer..... kh fans....#i cant ever be cross or upset or whatever about someones passion and brother you got a lot of it. RESPECT i respect it #also saves me the trouble of having to explain hetaliaLFKJALK #but yeah there you lot go. enjoy #Paint It White was a funny movie i aint gonna lie..#ps thanks for supportin me an my work :]

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bellyhurts · 5 months

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its been like 17 minutes since i told myself id do homework i need to do it but i just spent all that time reading through all my tumblr post...

god i hate myself

not bc of the homework thing ill get it done but because of just reading the posts

not really i dont think

i just hate myself

but not actually

just a little

maybe i feel bad for myself...

no self pity is lame

god do i hate myself?

when i read the posts i know edxactly what ii was refering to at the time... but i dont think i make my psots easy to decipher all the time

like when i saw the posts that said "im so nervous" and "nervous nancy" followed by the psot a few hours later saying wtf why do i actully have rizz" and then "wtf is wrong with me" im like: oh my god!! i know why i was posting that at the time!! like wowowowow thats how i was feeling thats wild!

i really do feel for myself.. why am i this way???? everyone probably pities themself sometimes.

idk i didnt deserve that... and i shouldnt do that.. wouldnt trade it for anything though. i wont stop though

im not evil im just human

im just learning

im scared for when i reach the age where i cant say that anymore...

is everything gonna be okay?

everything IS okay. i get GREAT grades, i have a good home life, i have 2 close friends, i get to walk and listen to music all the time...

i think that part of it is jealousy but theres always a wishing to get worse you know?

i don't think i'll ever be fejwlfjew but i think thats okay... im happy. i think. edcept for when i think about things too much

i pity myself

i guess i pray to the future me. you know? i wonder if i typed all my old posts knowing that the future me would read them and be like a therapist from another time...telling msyelf not to worry. i think i just did it because i need to say things and i dont have anyone that i call spew all my dumb stuff to without annoying them or making them think im mentally ill which i am not.

plus i need a place to be self centered. i guess this is that... some place hwere i only talk about me. im okay with no one listening irl because i dont want to portray myself as insane. there are some things that can only be written too. i wouldnt want to talk to my therapist about a lot of things because i dont want him thinking im insane. i know thats a therapists job but im saying like theres stuff that i really shouldnt say.. scared maybe. i wanna educate myself on law or soemhitng so i know what my therapist can tell my mother or can get me admitted for.

do i even want help? i seriously dont think so. the better i get the worse i want to get. right now im in a good middle ground. im happy, i dont cause conflict in the house too much, im not exhausting myself, i get things done, life is pretty okay. sometimes i will participate in some efwljfkwel activities though. maybe thats just my way to cope. its not harming anyone,, and i really dont believe its harming the present me too much.

maybe itll harm the future me like how my past decisions currently hurt me. not out of regret but out of pity. it just hurts that i did that... you know?

i really should do my homework but i have time (Not really)

im thinking of doing the bare minimum rn and waking up extra early to finish everytihng up. probably what i wanna do.

i know its only been a week of school since the weekend (weird way to phrase it??) but i need a break. im fine with school its not tiring or anything but god i need a break from life. not like life life but i mean hanging out with people, having things i need to do, etc. i need a week where im all alone. i love my friends but god i need alone time. i always feel so guilty when i dont hang out with them though because i dont wanna be lonely or lose friendships so i find myself hanging out with my friends mainly to "maintain friendships". i love them so much but please i need time.

this post is making me sound so mentally unwell but im doing so fine i promise (who am i promising?)

god

why is my heart rate so fast

lemme count it rq

okay its actually pretty normal its 80-ish bpm but it feels fast

i feel so shaky

i wonder if its the sugar i had earlier... i know some foods or larger amounts of fodos always make my heart feel fast and make me shaky but i havent really discovered what foods those are.

im always so nervous posting on here because what if i say something that makes this all tracable to me. i dont wanna lose opportunities beause of some dumb tumblr posts.

i know i should use like my journal or something but its comforting knowing that this can be viewed by someone for some reason. i mean id be mortified if someone told me they read all my posts but idk. maybe also its nice because i can always lose a physical notebook or lose the passord to my google docs but tumblr is public and i can always look at this tomfoolery from another account. plus this feels less formal. in my actual physical journal im very messy and i get sucked in when i write but its so messy its unreadable, it cramps my hand, and sometimes feels inconvenient. on my actual online journal i established it as something more formal... for life and mental updates for myself. im scared

i dont know why but im so scared

im so so so scared

god why did i just feel like i was about to cry

i want to curl up and cry so loudly in my moms lap while she tells me its okay but i cant i cant i cant. if i did she would think im mentally unwell which im not and id be such an inconvience to her.

last time i cried in her arms she told me that i gotta "say everything" to my therapist and that he can help me. help me with what?? she said that i deserve someone good that can help me? i told her that im normal.. she told me that she didnt want a normal daughter she wanted a happy daughter. i am happy. i just repeated that im normal because i know she sees me as different in some way. i see her as different in soem way too. i think i'd see my sister different than everyone else if i didn't judge her so much. i feel so insensitive but i always invalidate my sisters issues/struggles because i feel like i had it worse and that she has it so well. i konw its so bad and i need to remind myself that... she is a human being, she will struggle, and i should be happy that what i was so used to makes her suffer... im glad she's not used to badness like i was. that makes me sound so emo but you know. i just invalidate her so much.

anways. i think that seeing someone so closely..knowing them almost better than you know yourself will make you see them as less normal. or something. i dont know. i know my mom sees me as different. i doubt she sees my sister as so different than society. maybe its because im socially a little odd. she thinks i try to push people away/unsettle them. i dont. im just awkward around a lot of people. i like telling myself that im not everyones cup of tea. maybe thats just a way to excuse my social stupidity. my best freind always asks me how can i find myself socially stupid if im friends with like everyone. maybe shes right, but i dont think os. im not friends with anyone. weve just been conditioned to be nice to everyone and people are nice to me. yes people trust me, yes i have inside jokes/ get alogn with a lot of people... but do you seriously think i hang out with them outside of school? we use the word freind too loosely. if i never text someone, we only talk in school, and never hang out outside of school... no matter how much we know about each other, no matter if we've seen each other cry, no matter how long we've been "friends," we are NOT friends and thats okay. i try to be agreeable. people think im funny at least.

i need my mom to hug me and let me cry into her arms but i dont want her judging me or worrying about me i just need my mom. god im about to cry. why do i make myself feel this way? this was just supposed to be a post about not doing my homework.. now im writing like a multiparagraph essay. i need to say things. i guess i need to organize my thoughts. speak to the void.

you know i think i write in this because i know that future me will read it... emaning that future me will be alive. meanign that i'll be alive in the future. meaning that everything will be okay. if future me is alive, it means she overcame things, and shes now smarter, and as she's reading these paragraphs, she remembers how she used to feel, and pities her old self once again. and then maybe writes more to the future future me. and the cycle continues. until im dead i guess. maybe someone else.. a child? will work as a future future future x1000 me.. i doubt it. i dont think someone will ever care about me as a person so much as to read everyting ive thought. im currently pretty much just writing my thougts. nothing is organized. im just rambling. i would film a video but i dont have space in my camera roll, and even if i did, i would never want a video of myself saying stuff. some things are better kept written. anwyays. hello future me. and the future me after that. etc. i wonder if im laughing at this in the future. probably... in some time in the future. i bet ill laugh while also pitying my current self. self pity is so lame.

speaking of children. honestly.

door is opening. my moms home. ive been writing for like an hour. homework for tomorrow i guess. ill maintain a convorsation with her while i write. actually maybe ill close my laptop and return to this later. i mean i could use the excuse that this is homework...

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ruby-whistler · 3 years

Text

hey, so!! i was in the car for a couple of hours yesterday and all i did was listen to music and make animatics in my head. so here are a few songs i thought i could ramble about that fit certain arcs/characters

pitiful children - be more chill

starring:

c!wilbur as squip

c!tommy as jeremy

l’manberg as the squip’s influence

l’manberg members as “the children”

c!dream as the confused guy in the background

“then i invaded” because that’s what. yes. c!wilbur moment.

basically, he’s convincing tommy that everyone is “incomplete” or “in pain” because of the “obsolete operating system” that is dream’s “rule”. that’s a lot of quotation marks right there. he’s saying how they’re going to “save” them by making them loyal (“let’s complete their chains”) to l’manberg. “let’s teach the pitiful children, who just haven’t a clue, just what to do” - you know, the whole “you’re naive, that’s good” thing because c!wilbur is scarily smart.

he’s trying to make c!tommy think the world will be better - “shiny happy people singing sweetly, gone is human error and fear” (again, criticizing c!dream) - if they make l’manberg and if l’manberg wins. the usual.

“every issue tucked away so neatly, if you feel a sob or tear, just turn that knob and switch that gear” probably my favorite lyric in the musical. this could be c!wilbur hiding the fact that he has Issues because of the stress he’s putting on himself, as well as the fear of being controlled, via trying to gain more power with the elections and pretending that he is fine and definitely not spiraling.

the next “pitiful children” switches into wilbur trying to convince dream to give him the tnt to “save” people. jeremy changes from tommy to dream; dream sees tommy beaten down and exhausted from the rebellion and does what he thinks is necessary.

the instrumental pause are the events of the 16th, and the next chorus and last upbeat verse is dream thinking everything will be “wonderful” again and no one will feel “left out or unsure”, that he can fix what wilbur broke - that he can have his happy family back, and being determined to get it. “when we rule” refers to the final disc confrontation and the vault.

basically, the song could be used for c!dream and c!wilbur’s parallels.

over all it’s a banger song. yes i did have a bmc phase, next.

unaligned - the undertale neutral route fansong

c!ranboo, 100%. it matches him so well.

“The brave and foolish ones

They walk not on the center

The signs are pointing every way

And I don't know which route's better

Some will take the fall

And some will see tomorrow

I could be the light or darkness

Redemption or sorrow

How could I live on with what I've done?

You took me in, showed me love when I had nowhere to run

You offered me your everything and I threw it all away

My indecision keeps me unaligned”

this could be his regrets for technically “betraying” l’manberg by helping c!techno and c!phil even though they gave him a home when he had no place to stay. could also apply to the community house and c!dream, with him not wanting to believe or “live on” with what he’s allegedly done.

his indecision, not wanting to be on any side, is what keeps him “unaligned”, because he doesn’t know “which route’s better”. light or darkness matches up with his aesthetic as well.

bring that fire - war*hall

looping this song for hours on end is the reason why i made this infamous post.

this is a dream smp army (sapnap, dream, george, punz) song, no questions asked. the freaking hype i feel is exactly the rush i got from seeing them kill it. it being l’manbergians - and, hey, look. i never said dream was some weak-minded woobified idiot, alright? i despise l’manberg with my soul, so that is the true evil, but in the l’manberg war, dream’s a brilliant anti-hero. he did kill people, but he was very fun doing it, and he was in the right, and they asked for it, so. anti-hero vibes.

as well as everyone else - i freaking love them, did i say that yet? yes, so these lyrics really match their ruthlessness and how they were determined to win, taking it further and further to assure victory (beloveds) -

“No stopping me

Breaking barriers

I keep on crushing it till I am done

I didn't get here by accident

No I've been gunning it since I was young

Better believe I'll be standing

There ain't no moon that can outturn the sun

I didn't get here by accident

No I've been gunning it since I was young

Second to none

Been gunning it since I was young

I'm standing at the edge now

It's about to go down

I'm gonna take it higher

It's time for me to light it

So they can't deny it

Ay!

Bring that fire!”

“If you take a shot, boy, you better not miss

'Cuz it won't ever happen again

You gonna wake up and not even know what your name is or where you have been

Better be ready to bleed if you think that you have any hope for a win”

“I never go dim

'Cuz I only know how to win”

i miss them. bring them back. i want them to fight more revolutionaries. they only know how to win and they Freaking Did LET’S GOOOOOOOOO

song’s a banger idk where or when it’s from but please listen to it.

pity party - melanie martinez

dream stuck alone in prison feeling his sanity slip away from him piece by piece in isolation, wondering where everyone is and why they aren’t coming :)

“did my invitations disappear? why’d i put my heart on every cursive letter? tell me why the hell no one is here?”

like, you know. people who he still cared about. the thank you notes he made. also, exile arc parallels.

“tell me what to do to make it all feel better”

[ Dream tried to swim in lava ]

[ Dream went up in flames ]

“maybe it’s a cruel joke on me, whatever”

sam being cruel to him, dream being convinced everyone hates him and he deserves this after all, forcing himself not to care.

“i’ll cry until the candles burn down this place

i’ll cry until my pity party’s in flames”

[ Dream burned to death ]

[ Dream tried to swim in lava ]

“maybe if I knew all of them well i wouldn't have been trapped inside this hell that holds me”

pandora’s box - maybe if he had more allies, more friends, more people on his side, they’d not let him suffer like this. they’d come help him, get him out.

“i’m laughin', i’m cryin'”

the whole ‘laughing at tommy’s death’ bit as well as the fact that - yeah, he’s not been doing very well mentally in there, has he.

“it feels like i’m dyin'

i’m dyin', i’m dyin'”

[ Dream tried to swim in lava ]

[ Dream burned to death ]

[ Dream tried to swim in lava ]

[ Dream went up in flames ]

that’s all! i don’t know what this post is. feel free to send in songs, i have a playlist.

#dream smp #ruby’s rambles #implied sh #long post

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joyisntyoj · 3 years

Text

04: LETTERS TO NOBODY OR MAYBE MAYARI

Seal stamps, stamps with whatever designs, papers and pens, stickers, pictures, dried flowers, heartwarming messages, and a lot more.

When was the last time you wrote something on a literal piece of paper for someone?

Have you ever personally given someone a handwritten letter or sent it from the post office?

Is writing a letter still a thing today, or you just use whatever app you have because what is the point if other ways are more convenient, right?

Maybe, you are more the vocal type of person and, you just say what you feel instead of writing it down?

Perhaps, you are none of the above because what is important is your presence in their lives and, that is more than enough?

Still, how lovely it is to keep something that has sentimental value. It unnecessarily means that you are hoarding something because what's to not treasure from precious memories in a small piece of paper in an envelope?

This story is for those who never get tired of expressing themselves in whatever form they know, but most especially to those who write.

May you never run out of papers, inks, and thoughts to compose. to more unforgotten memories preserved in letters.

^^^

To: Mayari.

How are you? I wish things were getting better, just like what I always pray. These days, sleeping at night suddenly became serene as well as waking up in the morning. Sometimes my days are dull and typical...I believe? But most of the time, it's either I'm feeling blue or extra sad, or was that the same? I kept on blaming the pandemic, but for real, I'm just a mess. Silent battles are truly tough. I wish I had the courage and strength just like yours. Be safe. Stay sane. I'm really trying my best to be legit all right.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Liway is the name, exhausted with life. Mayari, someone out there, maybe a supreme being or plausibly not always receives Liway's letters. Sometimes Liway writes 10 messages at once and sometimes none at all. Mayari is the only recipient of such letters that even Liway never knew they were received by the random recipient it thought was just nobody. It all genuinely started on having a recipient written on the "To:" part at the post office. Though seriously, it doesn't even have any home address. It's super weird that it's for Mayari and no address, and were received.

HOW?

^^^

To: Mayari.

The night has come. This time, it feels heavier than usual. Tears are suddenly falling. I noticed that an unwelcome visitor came. The familiar pain is hugging me again, so tight that breathing is getting harder. I hate everything. Yet, I came to realize a lot of things. Afterward, I'm feeling blessed and grateful. Am I getting crazy? Before I went to bed, at the dinner table, I felt uncomfortable with the conversation we had, my family, about myself back then. I really hate it when they keep on bringing up what happened in the past. I already moved on... I think... so can they stop mentioning those moments? Honestly, whenever anything from the past is introduced again and remembered, I tend to feel like it just happened yesterday. Everything is coming back so fresh and new; fun, pain, sweats, and tears. I hate it.

PS. Mayari, can you send me some courage? Preferably in capsules, So I can have it in my intakes and be sure I'll be really having it in my system literally.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Continues writing so many letters filled with how living is like. Liway felt tired and exhausted. A few days ago, it was super overwhelmed that crying is unavoidable. Then this morning, Ms. Walmy called for a little chat and checking up because it's never too bad to check up on somebody, most especially when you're a counselor. It's your job, so uh? Anyway, though Liway was out of focus on the call, it was able to be accomodating and warm in return. It reciprocated the thoughtfulness with a sweet smile.

^^^

To: Mayari

Hey! Today I was mad because firsthand, I experienced that thing I usually hear from other people. The "don't-post-something-revealing-on-social-media-but-love-yourself-but-that's-not-appropriate". Well, I don't even know why I'm reacting super outrage towards it. Because knowing that my family is just concerned for me since the internet is frankly scary. I mean, I did nothing wrong, so why? Maybe deciding to be confident on the internet is not necessary for them. But for me, it is! So how should I deal with this? A friend consoled me, and I feel better. Still tho, my mood is already ruined. Oh gosh.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Welcoming a new week, the usual Liway is busy with the household chores. Some may find it stressful, but this one is pretty different. Scrubbing the floor, washing the dishes, brooming on the side. Later on, folding the clothes, fixing the bed, and a lot more things. It looks like it'll be tiring its body out until the nose bleeds, and passing out is the last resort to rest. How come it's easier to clean an actual mess than the one inside the head and heart?

^^^

To: Mayari.

Beloa visited me today. My childhood and the only friend left I have up to this day from elementary school. If you get what I mean? It's been a long time since we had a chat, especially that things are super complicated these days. She's doing really well, and I couldn't be more proud. I'm still amazed at how we manage to be friends because we both don't like each other to begin with. It's so funny that we even pulled each other's hair in the 4th grade while the class is taking the annual picture for the school year remembrance. What are the odds in this even, right? HAHAHA. Today was warm and bright.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Dates suddenly don't vary in these letters. Even the concept of time is somehow gone. What's important is regardless of not having these "important details" like the usual, Liway can keep up and be consistent in sending its letters. Liway never missed a chance to send a letter to the address less recipient, which left the post office staff to ponder with it. But as time goes by, Alle, the clerk, is no more surprised 'coz she's used to everything now. The envelopes unfailingly vanished the moment it was dropped inside the mailing box. Indeed, a magical mailbox.

^^^

To: Mayari.

I never knew how amazing pretending could be. You know that thing where someone usually says I'm okay, but really not? The inner saboteur that was triggered by their trauma is real-real-real. A car is useless when it's not moving if you wanted to travel to faraway places. Does that make sense?

PS. It sucks that our bathroom is the only "semi-safe space".

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Polar bears are really fascinating. They get to hibernate. Then, after the time being, back on hunting and living their lives. Ligaya was one of Liway's hero. A lot knew Ligaya for being a superhero, although she does not have that fantasy powers. Just like the polar bears, too, Ligaya has been hibernating for quite some time but kept on saying that she was not. Liway saw it all. Maybe a bear's hibernation is different from a human-being, hmm?

^^^

To: Mayari.

IDK what to say, but I just wanted to be consistent at the very least in sending you letters.

PS. The radio was broken, but in my head, it's working. It kept on playing nonstop music. Is this a poetic way of saying I'm overthinking things?

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

^^^

To: Mayari.

A lot happened lately. Somebody lost a precious one, and here I am, having a renaissance moment. It's a crazy ride, but for all it's worth, the pea has grown into a beautiful plant. Hope it made sense coz finally, everything is making sense to me now. Little by little, slowly and surely.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

^^^

To: Mayari

Hey!! I hope you are doing great!!! These days, everything felt surreal. I get to be active everywhere. It's draining, yet I feel so alive than ever. I had this thought that time is indeed just a concept, hmm? I mean, anytime is the right time to do what you want and whatever it is. Nothing is too late, most especially when it comes to growth. OH, being late in class still counts but FOR REAL RIP TO THE ONLINE CLASS SETUP -_-

PS. May we never run out of time to be the best versions of ourselves. LOVE WHOEVER YOU WANT. fck the situation, but SOON, GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT. SPEND FOR YOURSELF AND FOR YOUR LOVED ONES. FEEL EVERYTHING.

PSS. May we leave this world with fewer regrets and more amazing memories.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Quite a lot of letters were already sent. The post office is getting more and more letters, as well as Mayari. Still, NO REPLY. Maybe some other, Liway will be able to hear Mayari's words.

^^^

To: Mayari.

*here's an envelope just in case you want to write me something*

With so much love annd kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

'Tis the season to be jolly. LOL Nah. Liway has been out for the past weeks. By out, means on a hibernation mode. A L O T R E A L L Y happened. It's hard to put it into words. I guess Liway will end these letter-sending shenanigans or just lazy and trying to give out some excuses //

^^^

To: Mayari.

Ever since I was taught how to move around the kitchen, I've been assigned to be Mom's assistant while cooking for the feast every event/occasion we'll be celebrating. It's tiring but super fun. Getting your fingers bleed and while unaware is cool LOL~

PS. Why does it feel so good to overthink things while doing the dishes? What's with that scenario.........

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Tireless hands, heart, and mind with countless thoughts and feelings, papers, and pens everywhere—WRITING; it surely is one of the best ways to vent. Though letters can’t hug and wipe one's tears, witness waves of laughter, ease the pain, and such, the comfort from every word written is more than enough.

Suddenly time barge in and reminded me that this is enough. THIS IS ENOUGH FOR 2020...

A new chapter has arrived, and maybe it's time to move forward. Maybe this is where it all gonna stop for a while. I mean, writing is somehow tiring, literally. Probably, Mayari might reply with the number of letters sent anytime soon, so maybe waiting is all that needed.

No rush in moving on.

MAY YOU GET THE REPLY YOU LONG FOR SO LONG.

PRIORITIZE YOURSELF AND HAVE COURAGE.

BE KIND ALWAYS AND ALL WAYS.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Little did nobody know, Liway is writing a letter to her "ideal" self.

The letter-sending-to-nobody thingy of Liway is really mind-boggling, right?

Mayari is Liway. Liway is Mayari.

The things that Liway wanted to say but cannot articulate well were always sent to Mayari. Mayari is the version of Liway it wishes to become in the future.

The weak Liway longs and hopes to have "that" someone by her side to look up to. That's why she always writes letters and keeps them in the memory box.

The post office thingy was actually her shared room at home: the table at the corner with no lights but so much mess. It's that post office.

It's pandemic, so how can a post office be open and how brave she is to go out, right?

That saying, "be the hero you wanted to have when you were little", is the best explanation of Liway's way of venting and expressing.

Nobody knows when Mayari will come to life because it's no certainty that we can be the ideal self we all wanted to happen.

For now, Liway is fighting her battles and screaming louder to the universe,

UNTIL WHEN DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY?

To be continued...

Happy New Year, Mayari. ✨💜

This is like an excerpt from my quarantine shenanigans for 2020 LOL.

#newyear #writing #vent #shortstory #letter

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