#I have 24 hours of 19 left. Let me make a final act of cringe!

[gunkbaby]

I turn 20 tomorrow so have is unedited, uncontrolled, self-pitying, semi-reflective waffle about my wasted teenage years and general misery (aita if i might be a little bit ageist?)

too long so it’s under the cut. This is my birthday gift to myself - I’m dreadfully self-absorbed and self-aware and i think it makes me better than everyone. No one will read this, but it’s for me. My relfection on my horrendous teenage self. Extreme moping. I miss when it was socially acceptable to waffle in self-pity on personal blogs. Gah. How gauche of me.

I’ve been thinking a lot abt the past recently. Especially as I’m abt to turn 20 (no longer a real teenage girl anymore). It sucks bc I really didn’t get to experience adolescence. I left school when i was 13, and an abusive parent meant I wasn’t able to really do anything outside of my home. No wonder I’m such a mess. I have so much anger. Anger of what was taken, what everyone else has, that I will never. I will never get this back. I will never go to prom. I will never know what a teenage party was like. I’ve been to about 3 sleepovers, all before I was 12. My teenage years were spent in hospital wards, doctor’s offices, arguing with my abuser, or in my room, desperately trying to educate myself on my own. I couldn’t socialise myself. No one tried. I had a roof over my head, but outside of the basic privilege of western living, I was kind of abandoned.

It’s kind of shocking to me that I’m 19, about to be 20. And I live alone, sure. I’m going to a great college, I’m about to go through the exams I should have done when I was 16 - that I have worked my ass off to get. I’m about to move up into a higher course, and after that, I’m likely going to university, and I’m going to study my dream degree - zoology/botany. I might be the person I had believed I would be when I was a child. I get to go horse riding every week - something my abuser actively leveraged against me. She leveraged my few social interactions against me. I get to come online everyday and express my love for the one thing that I have had for 8 years - almost a decade, and nearly almost half my freaking life - that I have clung to. That has actively kept me alive. I still remember that fourteen year old girl that was only living to buy the next manga volume, that only agreed to go to the eating disorder clinic because when she came home, the new episode would be out. Staying alive for something to take everything away for a little while.

I think of how I don’t remember being 15, because I had been addicted to alcohol for the past 2 years. How I woke up when Covid happened, but I barely remember that. It was bad when I was 16. I thought, so badly, that something would happen. I might get a little better. I tried recovering and lived with that placebo. I didn’t realise it then, but that was when things with my mother really started to go downhill.

I think of when I was 17, 18, and I first started to use the internet socially, finally started interacting with a fandom I’d lurked in for so long. I think of that girl, and I think of everything she did. Every dumb thing she did, the horrible ways she made people feel, the brazenly incorrect or callous things she said, so desperate to cling onto everything. How little she understood it. I think of her meltdowns, how quickly she’d end up in hospital over anything. I think about how desperate she was to fit in and how much she failed to understand that something like that had already passed for everyone else. Suddenly too old to be behaving how I was. I think about how things got back then.

I think about being so paranoid, I hid under my bed and didn’t eat for a week because I believed people were trying to kill me. I think about how often I’d run away from home. I remember I got lost in the woods once. It was November, and it got so dark, so fast. Hell, to my shock, I think my dumb 17 year old self blogged the fucking thing. I remember my mother had threatened me with hospitsalisation, and I had thrown my coat away, because it was bright yellow and I didn’t want her to follow me. It was so fucking cold. I had my Shuu plushie with me. I don’t think I’ve ever gripped something so hard. I walked for hours. I remember how scared I was. I wonder if I’ll ever not be that scared girl lost in woods. The next I ran away, it was in the middle of the city. I sat in my favourite park and I was scared, but I sat and looked at the city and everyone in it and I felt so calm.

My mother’s face when she tried to kill me. There’s this look people get, and I had never seen it before in my life. But I looked at her and I just sort of knew, you know? I remember pleading for my life, trying to force the car door open, begging her to just let me out. I remember she took me shopping afterwords, sat down and drank a coffee like everything was normal. I was having a panic attack, and she told me that I was being silly. She never said sorry. Recently I found out that she’d gone home and told people she’d ’thought everyone would be better off without us’. I think our relationship died that day, but I didn’t realise it until months later.

And then I think about how one day I decided that it was over. And I ‘chose’ to relapse and kill myself slowly and painfully, then ended up bulimic and more miserable than I have ever been. What a mess I have made of everything.

I am angry at that girl, for a lot of things, but more so, I think I feel sorry for her. In a cold sort of way, I view myself then distantly. I know she was hurting. She was scared and confused, . She was abused and didn’t understand it. She had a fucking personality disorder she didn’t even know the name of. She had a whole ass condition no one would even look at. I wish I could go back to that 17 year old. Part of me wants to shake her and ask why the fuck she’s posting dumb shit on the internet, how anyone could fucking justify how goddamn delusional she was being. But what would that solve - more of a ‘poor me’ narrative, no doubt. What I’ve done isn’t the worst thing anyone’s done, but you can’t escape that guilt, the way you made people feel, how fucking creepy you were - the things I did before I knew I had BPD. I’m not wise enough right now to offer that 17 year old any wisdom.

I can’t hate her. I compare myself to Shuu too much. But it helps sometimes. I forgive him for being unhinged, it’s harder to forgive myself, but I am nothing if not consistent. That girl isn’t all dead yet. She’s shrivelling, slowly, but I still act in ways to people I’m not proud of. I’m still ill.

I’ll still be ill in my twenties. Recovery is no longer the goal - living a life the sick mind can tolerate is. I’m not going to live as long as other people - not of my own accord, though that remains a possibility - people like me just don’t tend to make it that far. I can’t say the idea of old age is appealing. I find oldness detestable - call me ageist, but I am so sick of seeing old people who look like they should have already died. Sometimes you look into the eyes of an old woman, or she will speak to you in such a kind way, and you understand then that there is beauty in old age. I believe, perhaps controversially, that modern medicine might be working too well. We are meant to die, naturally. I think whilst it’s lovely that our grandparents might live to be 100, sometimes I look at old people and I consider than society has chosen quantity over quality. Some old people look at the world with this confusion. I read cosmic horror, it reminds me of that a bit. I feel bad for them, because my world is not theirs anymore. I see anger, confusion, and have the knowledge that these ancient people will never live long enough to come to terms with it. I see it and all I can think about is how, maybe, some people simply should not live to be 90. The body lives, but does the mind? Can our minds handle living so long?

Whatever. Back to me being self-important now.

I can say a million sorries to people I have hurt. To people I made feel uncomfortable. I can apologise for all I have said. For the hatred and negativity I have brought to people. I could say it a million, billion times, but sorry is just a word. I’ll never not feel ashamed of who I have been, I live with guilt in the hope that one day, I might manage myself well enough to not need to think of everything. I hope I make it so far.

I’m not going to be a beacon of mental health. But I’m about to get my basic qualifications, then more advanced, then university. I’m going to be a biologist. :)

Writing has come back to me, slowly, surely. So will drawing. Maybe soon, maybe later, I will have beautiful work and I might say ‘hey, that’s not bad, kid!’. I still have Shuu. He’s still here for me. He’s never not been. I will have him as long as I need him. Not a day goes by where I am not grateful for my oldest friend. Art has returned through my desire to celebrate him. He has saved me, once again.

I live alone, and I like it. I get to go horse riding every week - I love it, so much. My abuser is no longer near me. I have a father who tells me every day, how proud he is. I get to see my wonderful little dog once a month, and I have three beautiful guinea pigs. In the summer, I’ll study a botany diploma and I’m planning on volunteering at a local horse & donkey sanctuary. I’ve never had a job before, it’s never been possible, but maybe.

i guess, not all sunshine and rainbows. I still can’t order coffee or really speak to other human beings. I want to, but I can’t stand to be seen. I’ve never hated myself more than I do right now. Things online are still messy, because I made them so, and I continue to. I’m still ill. Still, maybe things are not as messy as I had once made them. My bulimia has never been this bad, and now is not the time to handle it. I’m fairly certain that my exam stress will end me in hospital. I am still, utterly alone, the mental health services don’t seem to care. But I’m about to start ADHD medication soon, which, maybe, would make some things easier. A lot of things.

I guess all this extended waffling is a form of self-comfort. I fancy myself a wonderful writer, can you tell? I think reflection is a healthy tonic, I’m unable to journal consistently, so forgive the long post about me and how interesting I am.

But. I’m going to be 20 tomorrow. I’m going to wake up tomorrow, and nothing will have changed at all. Except I’m no longer a teenager, and it’s never going to happen for me. I’ve lost it. Forever. And my heart is breaking.

It’s so funny. I spent so long wishing I was 20. 24 especially has always sounded like such a cool age. And 22, and 28 - how I love the 2x tables. But now, I’m scared. Because I haven’t had what I should’ve. Being a teenager wasn’t cool, I thought it would be. Maybe then, the conclusion to all this is simple: being a teenager isn’t something I should miss. So I didn’t grow up normally. So far removed from everything. But I don’t think growing up ever stops. When it does, then you become one of those old people - waiting, confused and angry by a cosmically different world that no longer has use for you.

So maybe being 20 will be okay. Maybe adolescence comes later for me. I last had a birthday party when I was 12 - I bought a Tokyo Ghoul DVD, root A, to my utter shame. But, maybe I can have a 21st birthday party. Maybe I can be who I wanted to be when I was a teenager, but a little more wizened. Maybe growing up like this has been a good thing. I’m starting to go out into the world, and I have a backlog of teenage fuckups separate from teenage joy - maybe that joy will come in my 20s. Maybe it won’t be so bad.

There are flowers in my home. If flowers bloom, then things are never that bad. I think.

#This is shockingly shit idc #I am free wafflinf #No one read this #Or do #idc #im cringe and arrogant and horrendously gauche #Sue me #I have 24 hours of 19 left. Let me make a final act of cringe! #Hehe #longwinded waffle #Extremely bad writing #Sue me! #I am. So tired. #i need to go study #sorry #consider this a journal entry #I’m not even reading this even i don’t gaf #Watch me delete when i wake up

[neutron-stars-collision]

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 19 - Holy Ground

Masterlist; Chapter 18

Summary: In the days before the mission in Tallinn, you and Neil have a few conversations to clear the air of doubts. Only, the mission itself proves to be a disruption...

Warnings: Swearing; mild violence.

Author’s Notes: Here we go, my favourite mission (and favourite Neil outfit too). This is only part one of the Tallinn action because so much happens... as you’ll see. I’m sorry. I really am. Hope you enjoy and please leave me feedback if you feel like it!

Song mentioned is: ‘Holy Ground’ by Within Temptation (I’ll share it in a post later but basically listen to it after reading and you’ll know why I’m obsessed)

Edit is courtesy of my amazing friend @sh3tani​ once again (ilysm and thanks for everything 💕)

The upcoming days were busy. You have been assigned the task of getting hold of some of the vehicles and artillery TP wanted for the heist in Tallinn. It was difficult, not only because it is actually rather hard to acquire a fire truck with no records left from the transaction, but also because you barely had any clue what you were actually doing. And so, most of the time, you were sat at the dining table in the flat, calling various shady people Neil gave you contacts to. Sometimes, a tea would appear in front of you, courtesy of the other team members thoroughly apologizing for how they handled the ‘alley situation’.

It seemed like your late-night walk and the cold treatment you gave everyone (including Neil) for the next 24 hours afterward worked. The jokes have ended, and contrition took their place, usually in the form of extreme helpfulness, random acts of kindness, and, in Neil’s case, a break from teasing. At least for a short while.

The only development you were not so sure of was the fact that the whole team decided to label your relationship. Not just any label but dating, verging on a couple. And that was rather terrifying. It struck you especially the night before when you have minded your own business in the kitchen. Watching over the pasta boiling on the stove, you listened to the plans made by Ives. He was trying to settle on the best way to track Neil during the heist when he suddenly turned to you with a question:

“Has your boyfriend told you what kind of car they are going for in the end?” the neutral tone made you skim over the term at first.

But then your brain caught up. What?! You almost toppled over the whole pot of pasta onto the floor when trying to drain it. Fuck. Ives was staring at you quizzically, as though confused about your current state.

“I… Who?” you stammered out the question, knowing it will only make everything worse.

“Neil” Ives grinned, “Unless you’ve gone for an open relationship and there’s another boyfriend involved”

“Christ, please stop” sighing, you tried to calm down just enough to function “I believe he’s going for a BMW, don’t know what series but something fast enough just in case there was a chase” triumphantly, you poured the sauce over the noodles.

“I’ll need to give him a call about it” Ives smacked his tongue thoughtfully.

“Feel free” using the opportunity, you grabbed the cutlery and escaped into your room.

Boyfriend? Now that was something to cause anxiety. Because despite everything that happened, all the things you have told Neil and got in return, you had no clue what you were supposed to be. Not really. Yes, sometimes you let yourself entertain the idea that maybe you were together, maybe he was your lover. But… was he? Could he ever be that?

With those thoughts occupying your mind, you only managed to last until afternoon the next day before giving in. After failing to contact a car dealer for the fifth time and realising that you have completely messed up the route plan due to forgetting about important details, you closed the laptop. It was hard to think when all your brain did was give reasons for why Neil would never actually want to be with you. To summarise: you were not enough, naïve, hopeless, and dumb enough to think that someone this incredible could think about you seriously. Stifling the sudden desire to breakdown and give up on everything, you dialed his number. He picked up almost instantly.

“Yes, my love?” your heart clenched at the nickname.

“Hi… um… Do you have a moment?” you cringed at the awkwardness.

“For you? Always”

Maybe, on another day, that would have made you smile. But that was not that kind of a day.

“Neil, I’m serious,” sighing, you rested your head on the cold wall behind your bed.

“What’s wrong?” his tone switched from playful to concerned.

Okay… now there’s no turning back.

“I’ve just been thinking...” you started, debating on the best way to breach the topic.

“Oh no”

Damn him. You cracked a small smile, knowing that was the intention. You could almost picture him at this moment, sat in some absolutely strange position in the armchair, nothing but long legs and ruffled hair. You did have it pretty bad.

“Shut up” you took a deep breath and blurted out “It’s probably stupid, and feel free to ignore this but... what even are we?”

There it is. Your whole existence hanged on his reply. But, of course, Neil needed more clarification than that…

“How do you mean?” his careful tone made your heart rate elevate.

The result was a string of sentences you shot out with the speed of a machine gun.

“Because everyone here assumes we’re dating. And Ives called you my boyfriend last night, and I don’t... I don’t know if that’s what’s going on and-”

“Okay, calm down,” he interrupted your rant “Take a deep breath” he waited until he could hear you exhale to continue “What do you want this to be? Because we’re the only people who have a say about it” the diplomatic tone made you frown.

But then maybe he just wanted to get your point of view before saying anything substantial… Trouble was you had no clue. Picking on a loose thread on your sweater, you sighed:

“I don’t know” maybe this was the right time to give him another piece of mind?  “I always hated labels because when you name something, it becomes real” you admitted, letting yourself slide down onto the pillows.

Nothing could hurt you there. Apart from potential rejection from the likely love of your life. Basically, fml, as the kids say.

“What about good things?” his question caught you off guard.

“Well, yeah, but… once there’s a couple, then there can be a break-up” the insecurity had an answer for that too.

Your cheeks heated up upon saying the word. Because even that felt like a step too far. Like maybe you were clingy. Obnoxious. Someone he could want to get rid of as quickly as possible. Before you decided to back out of the conversation, he replied:

“That’s a rather bleak way of looking at things” it was still that thoughtful tone.

A burden then.

“I know” you groaned, frustrated with yourself.

But the next thing he said was rather surprising…

“I’ll need to work on making you more optimistic. Not because I don’t like you the way you are, but because I want you to realise how wrong you are sometimes” the conviction and practical implications of the statement made you speechless.

The future tense. The admission that he did like you, with your countless issues and overbearing anxiety. It couldn’t be, could it? Neil took your stunned silence as permission to say more:

“From my side, let me say that dating doesn’t quite cut it because it implies not being sure... And…” despite yourself, your ears perked up, wanting to know what he meant.

“Yeah?” you prodded, trying to toe that precarious line between curiosity and fear of rejection.

“I’m not really in the trial stages anymore. Don’t think I’ve ever been” he clearly wanted to tell you more but was holding back.

Maybe it was for the better. Before you could think about a response to that, Neil added:

“Basically, we don’t have to use any labels. We’re just us” the simplicity of that statement broke through your resolve, making tears well up “Me and you. We know best what that implies and no one else matters” quietly, you sobbed, and he laughed before choosing to put that final nail in the metaphorical coffin “You’re my love, and that’s the only nickname I need” Neil sounded happy, as though despite your worries, he wanted to say that “I can be your idiot, as long as I’m yours” the punchline came with an audible smug smile.

Oh my god. You laughed, with tears still silently falling down your cheeks and heart hammering in your chest. He was impossible. Absolutely impossible. Suddenly asking that crucial question was not that scary. Because maybe today was the day when would tell you, without alcohol or worries prompting the confession. Taking the plunge, you spoke:

“Neil, do you-”

“Yes, I do,” he interrupted you with an answer.

“I haven’t even asked the question” you frowned, unsure whether that kind of an answer was better than a confession.

Because, yes, he already said it once (almost twice), but both those have been anything but thoughtful. And your ever doubting brain was quick to use that fact against you.

“But I know the answer” he sounded certain.

Perhaps too certain.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to tell you over the phone” Neil sighed heavily on the other end “Listen, I have to go… but call me or text if you need to talk” he hesitated before adding, “No matter what I want you to remember what I said that night in London”

Oh… It was the first time any of you brought it up. You just assumed it was one of the things that just slipped out in an unguarded moment. You wanted it to be true, but then that was too risky. But maybe not…?

“I heard you” you whispered despite being alone in the room.

“I know” you could picture the soft smile he sometimes gave you “Goodbye, my love. Good luck with work” at the reminder of the piles of papers still waiting, you groaned, causing him to laugh.

“Will be needed since what you’ve assigned me is close to impossible” the change of the topic was dearly welcomed.

Grabbing the laptop again, you opened it up and felt all the motivation dissolve upon the sight of the route waiting to be planned. Coffee will be needed. And maybe whiskey too.

“I believe in you,” Neil broke your brooding with a comment, “And it’s not really me who assigned it” you rolled your eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. Bye, idiot” unable to stop the grin on your face, you ended the call.

So maybe it was worth calling… Even if only to learn that he was in fact yours. And that he did not mind your insecurity or moments of anxiety. Maybe all this had some more potential than heartbreak and tragedy? Ignoring all the thoughts, you focused on the workload. After all, someone had to get all those bloody vehicles on time for the boys to play with.

*** The closer it got to the day, you could feel the tensions rising within the team. Partially it was your own fault and the fact that you were nervous. The plan was vague enough. What you and Ives’ squad knew was that TP intended to take over the plutonium 241 on the move, specifically on the highway leading out of the city. For some reason, he needed a fire truck and a firefighter suit for that. You had no clue why, but you blamed it on the boyish dreams of being a firefighter. Sure they all had those.

Neil was simply the designated driver and mission coordinator, and you hoped that meant he would stay out of harm. As much as that was possible for an idiot like him. You were not allowed to meet to stop TP from getting suspicious, and so all you could do was rely on texts and daily phone calls to keep you from going insane. The downside of the situation was that you could not slap Neil when he said questionable things. Examples being referring to the heist car as sexy (“And what if I told that it’s not the BMW that’s sexy?” “I’d be flattered”) and calling you his girlfriend on the call with Ives. That second incident resulted in the squad leader acting all smug because he apparently ‘figured it all out’. He did not, but who were you to prove him wrong.

And so, you perfected the plan, finished all the assigned tasks, and waited on instructions concerning the day of the mission. When they came, the message was simple – sit on your assess and wait, just in case the Cavalry was needed. You did not specifically like that ‘waiting’ part. Especially since Ives began insisting that you do not actually join them in the field. In his mind, the safest place for you was the flat. Not being a part of the squad and not having enough experience were the main factors acting against you. And you hated the fact that he was right. That is until the evening before the mission when an unexpected text from TP came. You were busy trying to understand the rules of a strange competition show on the television when your phone buzzed. Expecting something nonsensical from Neil, you picked it up instantly. Only to get shocked by the number on display. The message was straightforward:

“Join the squad in the field in Tallinn. You must be there”

Right… When you were asking the universe for help, you did not expect that. But it was better than nothing.

Without a further ado, you got up and wandered over to Ives, who was sat with Wheeler and Michael at the table. Upon your approach, the Brit looked up:

“Don’t tell me you’ve got some last-minute changes from Neil” his blue eyes were hazed with concern.

“No, I’ve got something better” you passed him the phone and waited for a response.

The widened stare and arched eyebrow was the initial reaction.

“He wouldn’t have sent if it wasn’t important” you added, hoping to win the case.

“I don’t get it” Ives sighed heavily, leaning back in the chair.

He glanced at Michael, who nodded and left the room. You just assumed that the discussion was not meant for any ordinary squad member.

“Apologies for my language, but you’re not a bloody soldier, and it might get rough out there” Ives spoke up again after a beat “And I don’t want to fucking worry about your safety amidst all the other mess” he met your gaze warily.

It was a little embarrassing to be considered a burden. You flinched internally before trying another approach.

“I know, but Neil might need me” as soon as you said the words, Ives scowled.

Of course, that just sounded like a lovesick teenager fighting for a hopeless case. And you hated that. But his very next words triggered the remains of resolve.

“Frankly, darling-”

You broke into a laugh, knowing the quotation well.

“I swear, if you quote Gone with the Wind right now, I’ll do something stupid” as a warning, you grabbed hold of the knife lying on the table, making Wheeler snicker quietly “Please, let me go out there. I can track his GPS signal or something. And well, you know that I’ve got a good aim. It might count for something” pleading was not your forte either but at the end of the speech, Ives’ gaze softened.

Maybe? He sighed once again before leaning his forehead on the folded forearms on the table.

“If you get hurt, he’ll kill me” he muttered gloomily.

“You’re exaggerating” you bit back a dry chuckle.

“No, he’s not” your head snapped up at the sound of Wheeler’s voice “But I’ve got to back you here if TP sent that text, then it’s probably important” she looked at you with a small smile.

“Thank you” you grinned back, grateful for the support.

With the days spent among men almost exclusively, Wheeler’s company meant a lot. Soon she became the only person you were willing to discuss your worries with. Because she was not keen on cracking dumb jokes about your relationship and asked questions that did not only concern Neil. And that was a welcomed change.

“You really need to be careful though, because Neil cares about you. Which probably makes you the most important person on this squad” her voice broke through your thoughts.

You knew she meant well, but the statement still made your cheeks heat up. Because did he really care?

“Don’t. You’re making me all flustered” deciding you’ve had enough of the awkwardness you got up to fix a tea.

“Well, I’m only speaking the truth here” turning back to the table, you saw Wheeler shrug “The physics boy took his fancy upon you, and that’s no funny business” she grinned at your perplexed expression.

Briefly, you glanced at Ives, who seemed to have given up on fighting with you and instead was listening in to the conversation with a neutral facial expression. The kettle boiling was your cue to respond:

“Great” semi-aggressively, you threw the tea bag into the mug poured the water “Did he though?” you asked, not even looking at them or expecting an answer.

“Yep,” Wheeler stood up and gave you a quick reassuring shoulder squeeze.

“I’ve never seen him like this before” Ives added once you turned to face him again.

That tea could not brew any longer…

“Not even with…” you hesitated before adding quietly, “Alex?”

“Not quite,” the man gave you an enigmatic smile, only increasing your frustration “You’ve convinced me though. You’re coming with us. Just please, for the sake of my sanity, be careful out there” you resisted the urge to jump up in relief “Because I’d rather not deal with an angry Neil. He’s a pain in the ass enough” Ives added darkly before getting up and joining you by the kitchen counter.

Smiling, you finished the tea.

“Thanks. I’ll do my best” playfully, you nudged his shoulder with yours “You can always blame me though” picking up the mug, you turned towards the corridor.

“As though he’d care” Ives muttered at your back.

The sudden surge of confidence was surprising yet also inspiring:

“I’d make him care. There are some things even he can’t say no to”

The last thing you heard upon closing the door to the bedroom was Ives choking on water.

*** The Tallinn mission for you began with an early morning phone call from Neil. You got as far as getting out of bed after having been staring at the ceiling anxiously for the past three hours when the phone rang.

“Morning,” you muttered, stifling a yawn.

Espresso was certainly needed. Maybe two, before you would have to head out.

“Hey,” the soft tone felt like a mild punch “I’m glad you’re up already” Neil’s sleepy voice made you wish you could wake up together again.

There was always that slightly husky tinge to it, the way he lazily pronounced some words just because it was early still. So different from the enthusiastic overenunciation when he was preaching another messed up plan of his. Or the cheeky inflections he tended to use with you during banter. It was terrifyingly easy to get to know him that well because of how open he was with you.

“I couldn’t sleep. But it’s okay I’ll manage” you admitted, distracting yourself from the sudden thoughts “I didn’t tell you last night, but I got another text from TP… he wants me to join the squad today”

From the moment you have shut the bedroom door the previous night, you have debated calling Neil about it. But then he initiated another rather amusing texting exchange focusing on his fashion choices, and you felt bad disrupting the peace. It could wait. Not anymore. You held your breath until Neil responded with a simple question:

“Why?” he was careful, and you could not blame him for it.

You perched on the windowsill and looked out at the quiet cityscape. The streets were strangely empty for a weekday morning. Sighing, you answered in the best way possible:

“I don’t know, but Ives said yes after some coaxing, so I might see you out there” smiling despite yourself, you waited for his response.

Since recently you had to rely on phone calls, it became increasingly easy to determine his mood based on the tone of the reply. Or on the various nonverbal noises he sometimes made. Now there was a quiet hum proceeding the sentence. A surprise, mild confusion, and worry. Brilliant.

“As much as I’m happy we might meet… and that you can see me in that sexy car,” you rolled your eyes awaiting the point “Please, be careful. I need you safe”

It was not disappointing. You knew he did not intend it that way, and yet the anxiety fuelled brain was onto it instantly. I need you… safe. Unable to stop the comment, you muttered:

“Just safe, then”

“What?” any hope that he might have missed it dissolved with that single question.

Could he for once not listen to what you say? You know, like men tended to do. But then Neil was by no means an ordinary man.

“Nothing. Don’t mind me” the attempt at saving your dignity failed too.

“I thought it goes without saying that I do need you. And that I want you”

Oh god. At once, you wanted to smash your head into the wall and to kiss the bastard for being the way he was. Adding to that sentence, the mental image of his sheepish smile was enough to make your heart speed up. When the silence stretched, becoming awkward, you whispered a reply.

“It’s good to hear it sometimes” the coldness of the window glass cooled off your blazed cheeks, “Especially when I don’t actually believe it” he knew that by now, undoubtedly.

Here the nonverbal cue was a half-choked sigh. Annoyance. Frustration.

“You should. I don’t go around telling everyone that” Neil’s confident voice was trying to pull you back “And I certainly don’t have moments as we do with anyone else” at the implication, you felt flustered again.

Because there did not an hour go by without you thinking about what happened. The pull between you was startling at times. The absolute desire you felt. The way Neil knew exactly how to make you remember every second of every moment. With the memories flooding your brain, you could only utter a single question:

“Why me?”

It was curiosity. Because apart from that evening months ago when you first tried to make sense of your budding relationship, he never said why he cared about you. And you would never dare ask. But now, with everything that happened, it was worth trying. And Neil was willing to deliver:

“I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because you’re the bravest, kindest, most beautiful person I know” you could only keep on listening with your mouth agape “You fascinate me, and I want to discover all that you’re willing to give me” he finished in a reverent whisper.

That was not what you expected to hear. Not now. Not ever. Speechless, you wondered whether maybe this time it was not a mistake to give your heart away. It was too late. He had everything but your body; that was just a matter of time.

“Neil, I…” this was all you could manage, afraid you would give away another confession.

“Well, you’ve asked,” he chuckled lightly and then asked, “Are you okay?” you could picture that crease between furrowed eyebrows.

“I suppose-” a loud knock on your door interrupted the sentence; it was time, “I think I should probably join them for the final briefing…” hesitantly, you jumped off the sill.

Only two of you could be interrupted during such an important conversation.

“Go, I won’t keep you. Believe me, though, when I say that I want nothing but to be with you. In every way possible” your breath hitched at the connotation behind the sentiment.

Jesus, this man…

“That’s rather mutual,” like a secret you passed it to him on a sigh “But only when you’re not an ass” that was a much-needed distraction for you both.

There was work to be done, after all. You could hear the commotion in the apartment rise in volume and strength.

“I’ll do my best then. Good luck, darling” you grinned at the nickname he was determined to use.

Darling, you could do with. It was better than the ‘love’ that always made you feel like you were just another one among many.

“Don’t do anything stupid I still owe you a few slaps… and a payback” you added the necessary suggestive tone to the last word.

The rest was up to him to figure out. Which he did, if the pleased laughed was anything to go by.

“I’m very much looking forward to all of those” you missed that smirk.

“You should. Bye, my idiot,” you debated saving his number as that in your phone.

Maybe it was the way forwards.

“My love,” laughing, you ended the call when he uttered the words just for the sake of it.

But then that was Neil’s essence – doing things just because. Or to get a reaction from you. And you would not have it any other way.

*** Only when sitting in that bloody SUV, you learned the true meaning of waiting. And how much you hated to do that. There was nothing to do apart from sweating in the protective gear and avoiding the awkward small talk others were susceptible to. The squad has cramped into two non-descript vehicles, and you being the so-called precious cargo, ended up in the same car with Ives who have sworn to protect you. Only, for the first half-hour, there was nothing to protect you from. Apart from anxiety, boredom, and frustration.

Your role was rather simple – follow Neil’s signal on the map to know where you might be needed should he call for backup. As much as you did enjoy the possibility of tracking his movements somehow, you did not appreciate the cheeky smile Ives had on his face when he gave you the job. Or the comment combined with it: “Well, he’s your boyfriend, it’s only fair you keep him on the metaphorical leash here”. That is how the small blinking dot on the map of Tallinn became your sole focus for the past hour. Just before everything kicked off, Neil radioed you with a simple message: The mission is about to start. Wait for further instructions.

Ever since your morning phone call and the revelations that came out, you only exchanged a few texts concerning the practicalities of the action. Despite the nerves, you did hope to see him in near future. Even if just to check whether what he said was true. Looking for a distraction from the sudden thoughts, you glanced at the screen again. They were near, on the main junction of the highway, heading towards the port. Your SUVs were parked underneath a small overpass, five minutes away in the current traffic conditions. Which proved to be convenient, as it turned out.

“Is he still following the set route?” Ives’s question brought you to the present moment.

“Yeah, they’re-” you glanced to double-check the exact location when you realised that something has changed.

The dot was not moving. It was still blinking, but clearly, they have stopped at a crossing. Traffic lights? Your brain somehow knew that it could not be that simple. You opened your mouth to voice the thoughts when the comm came alive on the dashboard with static crackling:

“We need back up here. ASAP”

“Roger that” Ives tossed you the radio “Ask him about the details”

Without waiting for more information, Michael fired up the SUV engine as Ives contacted the second vehicle.

“Neil” you spoke into the receiver “What happened?” you flinched at the louder noise from the radio.

Gunshots?

“We’ve been ambushed by Sator’s people. TP’s status unknown”

Bloody brilliant. Swallowing down the rising worries, you asked another question:

“How many people?” another gunshot pierced the silence.

“Not sure. They’ve gotten clean up orders” a strained breath from Neil told you how bad the situation was.

“Okay. We’ll be there soon” you glanced at the road ahead.

Still, 2 mins to go. Anxiety was threatening to overpower you at any moment. But now was not the time.

“Hurry up” Neil closed the channel with a final dose of static.

Fuck… Forcing a deeper breath, you could only watch as you got closer to him. The sheer thought of something happening to Neil was unimaginable. That was enough to trigger panic. So you pushed the idea to the back of your head, focusing on the distance disappearing.

There was no mistaking the fact that you have been led to the right place. Crashed cars, asphalt littered with glass shards and broken parts, gunshots piercing the air. The destination looked like a car pile-up from an action sequence. Frantically looking through the windows, you tried to spot that blonde head. To no avail. The SUV came to a sharp halt as the squad members began jumping out of the vehicle. Once everyone else disembarked, you moved to follow them, only to be stopped by Ives:

“You’re staying here. I can’t have you out in the shoot-out” his blue gaze was stern, hand blocking exit out of the car.

The idea that you were so close to Neil and could not see him was enough to make you angry.

“I can handle myself. And he’s-” you spit out the words in the face of the squad leader while trying to push him away.

“I said no. The conversation’s over” with a final glare, he stepped away and scanned the horizon for immediate danger “If someone approaches the car, you know what to do,” he threw as a parting remark and disarmed the rifle.

Fucking hell! Groaning in frustration, you kicked one of the seats. He was so close. You glanced at the device in your hand. He could not be further than behind the first line of crashed cars. Biting on your lip harshly, you quickly went over the options. One was to obey Ives and stay inside the bloody SUV like a well-behaved child everyone apparently took you for. No one seemed to care about the vehicles you parked on the outskirts of the action. Flinching at the further salve from the heavy artillery, you knew that the squad had joined the fray. You could be safe here… but… Taking a deep breath you knew there was no possibility you could stay away from the action. Not when Neil was there, potentially in danger. It was not possible to give up on someone that important just because you were told to. Christ…

Glancing through the windows again, you could see Sator’s people attempting to clear the place. The squad evidently attempted to push at them from one side, hoping to get a clean sweep that way. Then, just as you were about to go back to the internal crisis overwhelming your thoughts, you did a double-take. Surely not? You would recognize that hair colour everywhere. There he was attempting what was looking like a skirting manoeuvre to circle the mercenaries with the Cavalry on the opposite side. Only that left him completely uncovered, in the direct line of fire. Bloody idiot. The instinct to jump out and run to him kicked in. The only thing holding you back was the fact that you would disobey the orders. And leave the car unguarded. All the hesitation disappeared once the comm in the car crackled with static:

“Emergency assistance needed. ASAP” the tension in his voice made your pulse quicken.

The lack of response from the team made all the blood drain from your face. You could see him trying to hide behind some overturned car. The henchmen were near enough to get him with no problem.

That thought was all the convincing you needed. Swearing, you quickly pocketed the tracking device, adjusted your protective gear, and grabbed the gun. You have been offered a rifle (just in case), but you preferred the classic. At least it was something right?

In two leaps, you have covered the distance. With the team trying to get through the attack line on the other side, it was just you and Neil. You shot a round in the direction of the approaching merc, missing the target yet earning attention from the main object of your focus. His eyes met yours across the plane. You could see shock, worry, and something else there. Suddenly a salve whizzed past you. The bullets cutting through the air all around, shooting past your head and piercing the car behind. A strangled yell from Neil was a surprising reaction, yet you did not blink twice. He was all you could see. With a final surge through the field, you reached him. The pure fury and anguish in his eyes took you aback. Have you missed something? But there was no time to ask questions.

“Go, I’ll cover you” you whispered, looking at the approaching group of mercs.

Neil took an additional moment to stare at you as though he could not quite believe you were there. But then he jumped up, aiming the gun at the man closest to you. The same that undoubtedly attempted to take you out seconds prior. When the mercenary fell with a bullet in the head, you stared in shock. There was no time to recover as Neil pushed through, barely looking behind at you. It was surprisingly easy to tune out the emotions, taking out anyone who could threaten him or halt your advances. You worked well together, movements in sync enough to stun the opponents on a few occasions. For a second, you wondered whether it was only bound to get better the closer you get to each other. That was certainly an interesting idea… In no time you have met with the line of the squad, watching on as Ives dealt with the last man standing. You have won. The adrenaline started to leave your body, resulting in tremors and shaking hands. Clutching the gun to prevent it from cluttering to the ground, you met the exasperated gaze of the squad leader. Your only response was a shrug. You did not regret the decision, seeing as you have evidently helped them in the field.

“Neil? Do you know where TP is?” Ives took his attention off you and looked at the blonde man.

You followed his gaze, for the first time actually looking at Neil since you spotted him across the plane. At the moment, you were struck by what a sight he was. Navy shirt with sleeves rolled up to expose the forearms covered with veins. The same tie he had on during your walk. Your pulse quickened. The vest drawing attention to the ratio between his broad shoulders and narrow hips, accentuated with a belt. Brown loose-cut trousers and scrapped leather shoes adding a classy touch. You were aware that you were staring yet unable to look away. Not knowing whether to blame it on the adrenaline rush, you wanted nothing but to touch him. Take off those driving gloves that piqued your interest at the first sight. Or have them be wrapped around your throat with just enough pressure. Get rid of the tie again. And…

“Think Sator took him” Neil’s response broke through your increasingly hazy thoughts.

Shaking off the images that started appearing, you looked up at his face again. The ruffled hair and flushed cheeks were not helpful. Fuck’s sake. It had to be stress. Because what else?

“Their place in the port?” Ives asked, his tone nothing but strict business.

“That’s my bet” Neil shrugged, looking around with something dark in his eyes.

He was tense, like a feral animal that could lash out any moment. You were not wrong. The cold blue gaze settled on you almost remorsefully, but before you could open your mouth, he snapped:

“What the fuck were you thinking?” the hostile edge to his voice was new.

You flinched as though you have been hit. The lack of physical impact did not matter. Your heart stammered. He need not explain what it was about. Please no.

“You needed a cover. They weren’t responding, so I did the obvious” you shrugged, feeling the anger grow “And I could ask you the same question” spitting the sentence into his face, you took a step closer.

You have never seen him that furious. Not even in Oslo after your little fuck-up. The sight was both terrifying and alluring. The dark blue eyes blazed with fury. Jaw clenched. Slight pink tint on the cheeks. And yet, still, you had no idea why he reacted like this.

“I knew what I was doing. That’s the difference” the coldness of his voice threw you off.

So it was real. He did mean it. You tried to save him, and here he was, pissed off at you. Making you almost regret it. Almost, because the love was there too. Not giving away no matter what.

“That’s bullshit” it felt good to admit, “You were reckless, as always, and expecting me to-” your rant got interrupted by a strangled yell.

Nothing prepared you for the revelation then. Or the sudden anguish on his face.

“You were almost shot!” Neil’s eyes glistened as though he was close to tears.

Suddenly it made sense. The rain of bullets you were hit with just before getting to him. The way he reacted. But you made it. Nothing happened. So why was he acting like that?

“Almost” ignoring the growing pain in your chest, you pointed out the obvious.

Out of the corner of your eye, you could see Ives and the rest of the squad observing you. You would rather not have an audience, but then Neil seemed determined to drive his point forward. His face scrunched into a pained scowl.

“Fucking hell,” turning away from your gaze, his back tensed even more “You can’t do shit like that just because I’m involved” the defensive tone took you aback.

What? It was getting worse. You could feel the confidence leaving your body as you struggled for a response. You would never think Neil would do something like that. Not after everything you have told him. Figuring out the only way you that could work, you took your own line of attack.

“Who says I did it only because it was you?” the implication hurt because it was partially correct “Quite an ego you’ve got there” his back was still turned to you.

That angered you even more. Crossing the distance, you placed your hand on his shoulder, making him turn to you. He flinched upon the contact as though your touch burned him. Oh my god. The tears welled up in your eyes. It could not be real. But the emotionless look in the eyes you thought you knew was very much real. It was as though before you realised Neil has built up a wall, guarding himself against you. And there was nothing you could do to get through. You got shocked by the cruel smirk that split his face.

“I can see the way you look at me. As though you wanted to-” you interrupted him sharply.

“Neil”

It was too much. Perhaps because it was true. But he was not done. Persistent to keep going.

“Admit it. It’s because you said some things, and now you can’t bear the thought of losing the object of your affection” the careless tone and the words pierced your heart with gut-wrenching pain “Well, you see, sometimes feelings need to be put aside” he added, almost casually.

Fuck. You gasped, unable to keep a straight face. He might as well see what he has done. Some things. So this is how much your confession meant to him. Good to know. You wanted to slap him, but you felt like that could turn back on you. So instead, you made sure to straighten your back, putting on the familiar mask of neutrality. You have done this before. Probably should have expected it. Only why did it hurt ten times more?

“Can we leave the bloody lovers quarrel till later?” Ives’s voice pierced through the tension.

But you were not ready. Raising your hand in a stopping motion, you turned back to Neil. His face was terrifyingly indifferent. Maybe it was all an act. Or maybe it was just that easy for him to get over whatever you thought you had. A lie. Gathering the smithereens of confidence, you forced a levelled tone:

“Says you. As though you’re acting out of reason right now” you gave him your best impression of the sneer visible on his face.

You could crumble at any moment now. Only the pounding in your ears and the wounded pride were keeping you upwards. But Neil wanted to destroy everything.

“More than you” he glanced at the team waiting impatiently “I really thought you’d know better than this” the punchline was more than you could take.

No. Please no. Your knees buckled, and you swayed. But then you caught the flash of concern in his eyes. Just for a split of a second. So it was not all cold and hatred? You heard Ives huff out a string of curses. There was no time for this. Whatever it even was. Honesty it was then.

“Better than to give away my heart to someone like you? Evidently not” you met his eyes for the final time before walking away in the direction of the SUVs.

The shock you saw in Neil’s face was enough to fuel the survival instincts. With the heart broken or not, the mission was still on. And the rest was silence.

#tenet #neil tenet #neil tenet x reader #neil x reader #neil tenet imagine #neil tenet fanfic #tenet fanfic #robert pattinson #the art of inversion

[worldcakecakecake]

Feliciano and the King of Hearts

Chosen by the gods as the Queen of Hearts from the moment of birth, we follow Feliciano’s story as he grows into royal life, learns to rule, go against age old customs, and his relationship with his husband to be, the King of Hearts.

Chapter 1 I  Chapter 2 I Chapter 3 I Chapter 4 I Chapter 5 I Chapter 6I Chapter 7 I Chapter 8 IChapter 9I Chapter 10I Chapter 11I Chapter 12 I Chapter 13 I Chapter 14 I Chapter 15 I Chapter 16 I Chapter 17 I Chapter 18 I Chapter 19I Chapter 20 I Chapter 21 I Chapter 22 I Chapter 23 I Chapter 24 I Chapter 25 I Chapter 26 I Chapter 27 I Chapter 28I Chapter 29 I Chapter 30 I Chapter 31 I Chapter 32 I Chapter 33 I Chapter 34 I Chapter 35 I Chapter 36 I Chapter 37I chapter 38 I Chapter 39 I Chapter 40 I Chapter 41 I Chapter 42 I Chapter 43 I Chapter 44 I Chapter 45 I Chapter 46I Chapter 47 I Chapter 48 I Chapter 49 I Chapter 50 I Chapter 51 I Chapter 52 I Chapter 53 I Chapter 54 I Chapter 55 I Chapter 56 I Chapter 57 I Chapter 58 I Chapter 59 I Chapter 60I Chapter 61 I Chapter 62 I Chapter 63

I continue to take forever posting, but please be patient, work …plus a lot of traveling now that I’m back in Europe. Posting this from Germany, more specifically and fantastically, from the Heart’s Kingdom capital, Berlin. I hope you enjoy and continue to await updates…even if sometimes they take months.

 … Also, WARNING: THIS CHAPTER HAS NSFW

                                                              Chapter 64

They couldn’t explain it as anything else. It had been dark magic, Khaos’s magic especially. Ludwig had created dark magic with ease, letting it control him and be used to attack Feliciano. When they had announced it to a room full of dignitaries, all those eyes fell on him with question, fear and precaution, some who stood by him moving aside, fearing that he was capable of releasing it that instant. Ludwig hadn’t been able to take that silence, those judging eyes, as if they were glaring to Khaos instead of the Heartian King. He left the room when he couldn’t take that aggravation, hands tightening, biting his lips to not let himself shout, scream, even tear up for the castle to see. The slam he gave to the doors as he exited made many cringe, while others thought on how they could help, some beginning to know that they had to begin the books of generational power and Khaos’s dark magic.

  It took three days for Feliciano to fully heal and be allowed leave of the nursing room. He did so with energy and elation, the type that made many question if he had truly been hit by a dark spell.

 More important than anything was meeting with Ludwig, embracing and assuring each other of their ever-present love, as well as ready to research and find out about this new side his king just presented.

 Ludwig hadn’t come to visit him at all during his time in the nursery room, and when he finally exited, he wasn’t there either, just the pierce to bring him into gloom. He settled off to look for him, many in the castle telling him the same of not knowing whereabouts, of how they had barely seen him the last few days and how haunting things had felt in the castle since. He checked their room, any rooms of leisure, kitchen, dinning, hall, even the ballroom. He only managed to feel his presence in the King’s library, hidden well between its many items, Feliciano knew.

 Nobody, only but the King was allowed entrance unless they deemed it so, but Feliciano had already snuck in there enough and his desperation to see Ludwig was stronger than whatever old rule. He gently made his entrance, trying to make his steps subtle, the taps to be confused with the grand clock in the room. He settled deeper into the many old shelves of books, deep into its engulfment, not spotting Ludwig yet and fearing he wouldn’t be here either. That’s when he caught the sound of fabric, as gentle as his steps, Feliciano only catching it because he heightened his senses to find his beloved. He didn’t reveal himself instantly, watching instead as Ludwig leaned back on an old stack of books, playing with a deep red ribbon, wrapping it rather harshly around his hand. He didn’t word, stressed, and Feliciano feared he was even trying to hold his breath as he made this exercise. He would cover his hand in the ribbon, turn it about as if trying to find some change, before he untangled and started again in his other hand.

 “Amore…” he called gently, thankfully not startling him, only an empty rise of his eyes, before he turned back to his activity. He gave him no greeting, not even something whispered, like back in those days that he pretended he wasn’t there. Feliciano would not let that happen again. He let himself come near, wrapping his arms around his own, laying on his shoulder, and despite whatever blocking Ludwig tried to do, he leaned towards it, for once stopping his wrapping, breathing and actually relaxing.

 “I missed you,” Feliciano started.

 “It was…only three days.” Although he had missed him as much, holding himself from letting his arms wrap around him.

 “Are you…are you all right?” Feliciano then took his face, forcing him to look into him, watching the other soothe in those bright brown eyes.

 Ludwig sighed, given up to them. “I hurt you…I am not,” he managed to admit, trembling as he raised his hands, dearly placing them on Feliciano’s arms, ever so softly pulling him closer. Feliciano let himself fall and completely be depended on his arms, his chest, his usual embrace.

 “I’m certain that it wasn’t you.”

 “Feliciano-”

 “I know you would never, ever, do something like that against me.” He hated to mention this, but they had to address it. “You hold Romulus’s tainted dark magic…we…should have expected this,” he saddened.

 Ludwig sighed, becoming looser. “I shouldn’t have done this either way…I really should have…kept my distance in the end. I did what I did to protect you…and I failed horribly at it. Our marriage only made this stronger…this wasn’t supposed to happen…this isn’t what I was planning.”

 Feliciano only held tighter, insulted, biting away tears. “No,” he scolded rather harshly in this comfort. “Our marriage was our destiny, our happiness and just the strength this kingdom needs.” He looked up to Ludwig again, shinning eyes resonated well in this dark room. “I am blessed to have you as my husband and will risk anything to always keep you mine. We got Khaos’s books for a reason and I promised you that we will find a way to deal with this with the information. I admit we were focused on other readings and we could have momentarily forgotten…but it’s never too late to get you in control of it, to even use it in our favor,” Feliciano trusted and hoped.

 “After what I did to you, I refuse to use that magic again.”

 “The best way to come into terms and control it, is by accepting it. Whether you like it or not, it’s still a power that’s part of you and it’s there for your disposal. I know it’s scary and…with what happened to me especially, but we’ll be really careful, and make sure you learn everything so you can make something that is Khaos’s yours. I’m sure you won’t do this again.”

 Ludwig felt like he hadn’t smiled since the day of the accident, chuckling and taking a dear hold of Feliciano’s hand. He raised it to his lips to kiss in length, then letting it caress over his jaw.

 “I was also in the same position when…finding about all this and…having to use Augusta’s harp. It is intimidating, but…I’ve learned that the best way in dealing with it, is facing it head on, unafraid and confident.”

 “When did you become so wise?” Ludwig chuckled.

 “I am Queen of Hearts, Ludwig! I have to show my position proud.”

 “Even when you cry when you read those horror stories?”

 “Of course!”

 “And when you’re the real rainbow cookie thief.”

 Sudden silence.

 “How did you know that?” Feliciano trusted to reveal himself.

 “You left them in our room, plain to see.”

 “Fine, I might be Queen but I still don’t know how to behave.”

 They laughed and enjoyed from this small innocent moment.

  Thus the studying began, the intense reading that kept Ludwig awake for hours in their shared bed, Feliciano most of the time having to take the books away from his hand so he could focus on getting some rest. Egildhard and others who had dedicated to learning about dark magic, would sit on for hours with Ludwig, getting him to try basic spells, getting that very control he wanted and even other difficult tactics that he did well to master and grow. Ludwig begged for the confining spot they had for this specific kind of training, no one but his given teachers, healers in the area at whatever emergency and ready cleansing potions that Ludwig liked to take afterwards, hoping it could wash away any evil.

 After weeks, Egilhard found him ready to join Kiku and Feliciano in their usual battle training. That day, when Ludwig had entered the room, he did so shy and hesitant, afraid to even look at his usual opponents, who in turn smiled and were more than glad to have him back.

 “Ludwig! You are back with your rulers!” Egilhard called out from his usual watching spot, the same smile as the Queen and Jack. Feliciano had to hold himself from jumping and clapping.

 “Well, the rules had remained the same. I encourage you to try out everything you have learned. We have healers in the vicinity, and we will act quicker than last time if anything. Are you all ready?”

 The three nodded, taking their positions, Ludwig the one that looked the most nervous.

 “Begin!” Egilhard called out.

 Feliciano started and went again with that energy orb spell, but this time, proof of his practice and power increase, he created many more, the training room a beautiful show of lights, and, which was indeed new to Ludwig, there was a reflection on the floor, like that of water. He knew there was reason for it, but for now, it didn’t show any effect. Kiku knew what it did though, having practiced on a spell that avoided its attack, using it to slide through this reflection like ice, ready. Feliciano began to swing dangerous balls of light like it was a game, picking any random one and just hurling, creating quite a beautiful show to Ludwig. Kiku, now unsheathing a pretend sword, began swinging, breaking them apart with a spell of his own. Feliciano, seeing his approach, did the amazement of getting as many orbs as possible to circle like a large ring, pushing it towards Kiku, sparks exploding beautifully in the reflection, hurling and tiring Kiku in silence, now having no other choice than to sit and regain energy, hoping that Ludwig could take it and distract Feliciano.

 The King was actually fearful to face him, especially after these new spells that reminded well of his coming as Ace, but he did have to practice himself, and show his King power, and so he ran and began to formulate something in his mind.

 Seeing his approach, whatever the reflection held, Feliciano intensified it and so Ludwig found himself slowed, weakening, every movement more of a force to make. Ludwig knew there was something in the dark spells he could use, that could liberate him, but still so hesitant, still so fearful.

 When the force of this spell became too much, basically constricting him to slight pain, Ludwig decided on releasing and testing. He conjured a dark rope like light, managing to whip it to the floor, crashing like glass the reflection under him, revealing the familiar terrain of the training room, where he could move as he wished again. Before Feliciano could bring it back, that very same rope that still lingered he used to wrap around Feliciano’s leg, making him trip and loose his spell all completely. Feliciano quickly stood after cutting the rope with a spell of his own, then creating hardened red shields, ready for the close-up combat. Ludwig engulfed his hands in a dark magic, surely to intensify his punches. He was nervous as he walked forward, fearing what it could do if he didn’t keep his control, but Feliciano’s believing smile as he came closer made him smirk too, bringing forth the confidence to let him throw the first punch.

 They kept well in their battle, both their spells doing well to defend and attack, in their deadly rendezvous giving just the time needed for Kiku to fully regain himself. He cut right between them, skillful, hidden, without any kind of expectance, leaving both Ludwig and Feliciano surprised as he managed to stop the dark magic Ludwig had used in his hands. There was a moment of impression as Ludwig now looked to his normal pale hands, Feliciano just as wondered, it was the weakness that Kiku did well to use and trip them.

 Kiku stood ready for surely the battle that would come to him, sword, energy spells around him that grew like flowers, ready to act as a shield at whatever their fierceness.

 Ludwig and Feliciano gazed between themselves and decided to go at him together. They struck their hands, and from its unwinding they created strong lighting bolts, lighting the entire arena in fierce colors that had many of the soldiers moving back. They stood back to back, uniting, intensifying and making it grow across the room. Kiku was frightful.

 In coordination, exact, as they should be one mind as King and Queen, did they raise their hands and omitted their attack. Kiku tried what he could to hold it down with his sword, but it was too powerful, and so he had no other choice than to find cover in a makeshift rock in the area. Ludwig and Feliciano let the lightning dance around the room, loving its splendor and then feeling proud to know that they made it with their combined magic. Kiku couldn’t leave them in that for long, and so he settled on strong wind spells, enough to misdirect the direction of the lightning until Ludwig and Feliciano had to cover themselves. They continued using their combine magic to create a shield to protect them. It was in its shadow that Feliciano got an idea.

 “I’m going to make this shield grow and blow, but I need you to use a Polynia spell with it.”

 Ludwig’s eyes widened, being that a dark spell. “What? No! We haven’t done that combination! It could go horribly wrong!” He heavily worried, using instead more energy to keep the shield going.

 “The books do say that it can be combined with other magic! We won’t know until we try. It's best if we do it now to practice and see where we could go with it!” Feliciano was so sure and ready, for once Ludwig being the one that feared, still crouching in his position as he kept the shield alive. He breathed, knowing that he could be just as brave, just as powerful and daring.

 “All right,” he decided, with a determination that made Feliciano smile.

 “We’ll make sure Kiku doesn’t get hurt,” Feliciano promised, beginning in silence the spell that made the shield grow as he wanted. Ludwig, still slightly as fearful, began his own incantation, finding concentration and control when he directed the movements of his hand to the ground, letting the spell arise, combining its air with the magic they used for their shield. In amazement to all, they saw the shield grow and even diminish, destroying every spark of lightning Kiku had taken to his control, now heading his direction, ready to attack the poor Jack with all its force. Kiku had no escape, summoning the hands of surrender that made Ludwig and Feliciano win.

 In an amazing instant of cease, in a single slash of their hands, the spell engulfed the lightning to nothing, and the shield was gone, peace once again in the training room.

 What came next were applauses, from Egilhard and the present soldiers. It was not the kind of reaction they were expecting, but the three royals had smiled, standing and joining to present themselves and hear Egilhard’s new words.

 “Beautiful work! The three of you! Kiku, you broke a dark spell! How did you do that?”

 “It was an intensified Zara spell. I actually read about it in one of Khaos’s books.”

 “We will practice well that spell the next few days then…everyone will,” he called out loud for even the soldiers. “And a combine of dark and Heartian magic, amazing! This is the kind of thing you all should do here! Releasing everything you can do to grow our advantages. Ah, each day I see you three fighting here, I grow even more hopeful.” And the three agreed, with a breath of relief to keep their minds at bay with issues about the war.

 “We shall continue our practices in three days’ time.”

 “I don’t believe there’s an issue with practicing tomorrow either,” Ludwig told.

 Egilhard raised an eye, “sir…isn’t it your birthday tomorrow?”

 To be honest, with all the planning, dark power training, calculating, establishing and law enforcing of taking kingship the passing weeks, Ludwig had all forgotten about his own birthday, seen in the width of his eyes, the stilling of his being, his words froze as he tried to find an explanation that didn’t involve telling them that he forgot. The others saw it obvious enough though, smirking.

 “I believe I should give you a day to unwind and calm yourself from all the turmoil of war planning, to celebrate a day as the one of your birth. So then, till next time,” Egilhard smiled, making his way to leave, along with several soldiers that followed him, ready for their own training regimen.

  Usually, when it was a royal’s birthday, especially a king’s, a new one at that, it was celebrated in the usual lavish ball, but Ludwig had denied it this time, instead just asking for a dinner to spend with his family and some time to relax without any kind of imposing duty. As promised, no rushing servants for the job of the day, no scheduled harsh training, no war planning, no signing, no law abiding, just no one coming to him to break a calm that he had long missed since turning king. He had forgotten the last time he had woken this late in the morning. This time he could enjoy just gazing and cuddling with his husband, not even words to interrupt the serenity.

 “I want to give you your present now,” Feliciano gleamed, raising in excitement.

 “You got me something?” Ludwig was honestly surprised.

 “Mhm!” Feliciano stood from the bed and headed over to one of the many drawers in their wardrobe, an area that had been protected by Pookie for a while now, who would hiss and growl every time Ludwig tried to reach for it.

 “Good job,” Feliciano congratulated him, picking up a wrapped package, cuddling Pookie before he took his spot in the bed again, handing over the gift, wanting Ludwig to immediately open.

 Too slow in Feliciano’s opinion did Ludwig rip the red packaging with a golden bow, until he was presented with a book, a richly decorated one of trees and birds, probably the most beautiful book cover Ludwig had seen in his life. He stared in utter aw at its design before he read the tittle. “All the Adventures of Dietrich and Irmhild…all of them, this actually has all of them,” Ludwig gazed upward to Feliciano curiously, but still with a shine in his eyes that weakened him to childish wonder.

 “Yep! All the stories collected from all over the provinces of the Hearts Kingdom. It even has versions from the Japanese province,” Feliciano glowed proudly.

 “How…did you find this?”

 “It took asking a bunch of Vikings,” Feliciano laughed. “I was looking for a copy for some time now and read that there was a complete collection somewhere in the Norwegian Province. I contacted Lukas and he managed to find it. In return, I paid him a trip to visit his brother in the Spades Kingdom.”

 Ludwig already held the item dear, flipping through to the pages to see it golden, well intact, nothing to prove of age or mold. The stories were divided in their province of coming, with art and borders that brought more enchantment in Ludwig’s eyes.

 “This is…this is…amazing, perfect, beautiful…thank you!” He was truly taken, not expecting such a touching and rare gift already so early in the morning of his twentieth birthday. He couldn’t keep his eyes off it, tempted to already begin its reading.

 “Do you still like them as much as we used to when we were kids?”

 “To be honest, not as much, after all, so much time has passed and I grew other interests, but the stories are still dear to me and I was already thinking of re-reading some, just…never had the time or chance.”

 Feliciano cuddled closer, his arms well wrapped around him as they belonged. “Well, you have most of the day, and you can read me a story every night before going to sleep,” he fluttered beautifully, Ludwig chuckling and bringing him more into his arms, his eyes detaching from the book for once to stare into his.

 “I’ll be glad to.”

 And Feliciano kissed him in thanks and expectation.

  Ludwig was in the book the entire day, hours in one of the reading rooms, Feliciano in his own book as well, holding to each other’s hand as they lost themselves in the stories the pages presented, relaxed and like time was now truly theirs.

 Around the midafternoon, Ludwig and Feliciano joined the cooks in making a cake, a pink one with fruits and marshmallows that towered high. For their dinner, the dessert was imposing from its sitting in the table, none really eating all the food as they wanted an instant piece. There was enough for the whole castle to eat. Ludwig and Feliciano had enjoyed many pieces, had even brought along with them to their room to enjoy as Ludwig read.

 “…they had saved the couple from the deep waters, not minding at all entangling in its current and soaking their traveling clothes,” Ludwig read, resting on the floor, leaning his head to the bed, on either side of him Feliciano’s naked legs as he instead took seating on the bed, taking constant bites of the cake pieces they had brought.

 It was like Feliciano was keeping him caged to keep on reading the story and Ludwig did not mind, one arm wrapped around one leg, caressing sweetly. “They had lost time of the day to continue their traveling to Tokyo and so had found settling in an abandoned church along the way. They covered what they could to keep it warm, making a dazzling fire and hanging their clothes to dry from there. The sounds of the night worked well like lullabies, the air enchanting, beautiful, making their gazes between one another heated and wanting…” Ludwig suddenly halted, reading that part again, getting some wrong connotations from what was supposed to be a children’s tale. Thinking perhaps just him jumping to conclusions, he continued.

 “…their want for each other could not be held for much longer. They knew they had to act, especially in such a beautiful night, with just the air, just the romance they could succumb to, all their private wishes for once to be released the closer they came, the more their hands looked for more of their skin.” Yes…this was happening. As he rummaged through the next pages of this particular story, Ludwig realized that what followed was a detailed telling of the two main characters’ love making.

 “Um…”

 “Why did you stop?” Feliciano wondered, not at all perturbed, enjoying still from his cake. Ludwig wondered if he had even heard.

 “Feliciano this is…uh…” how could he even word it?

 “Come on, Ludwig, it’s nothing we haven’t heard or read ourselves.”

 “But these are…childhood heroes…having sex.”

 And Feliciano still shrugged. “These are from the Italian tales that were meant for adults. I had heard about it, just never actually…read it to truly see.”

 “You really…don’t mind?”

 “All natural thigs, Ludwig. Go on, I find parts like these to be beautiful and they’ll be lovely in your voice.”

 Ludwig blushed, only getting more shaking.

 “Don’t worry.” Feliciano leaned and placed a kiss on his head. “It’s just us. Think of it as part as any other story you’ve read till now.”  He smiled in that accepting way that had Ludwig sighing and agreeing, making himself as comfortable between him as he had been for the night.

 “…they kissed with that fire blazing behind them, its fuel heating more of their kiss, of the daringness to continue threading free skin.”

 Feliciano hummed, loving indeed how the words coming from Ludwig’s mouth made him feel just as heated.

 “Dietrich had for so long loved Irmhild’s legs, and what an honor it was to finally have them to his holding however he pleased, threading and taking to his wants.” It was in that exact moment that Ludwig took strong notice of the very pair of legs he found attracting himself, covering well both his sides of vision, now colored and glowing beautifully under the dim lighting of the room.

 “He continued forward until he reached his center, drinking his glory, his shouts bringing heavenly glow into the church, more blessing than whatever ritual had long ago taken place.” Ludwig began a soft thread and scratch, his words and tone working an enchantment that had Feliciano slightly moaning. Ludwig smiled as he noticed what his words were doing, taking more embrace of those legs, letting his face lean and fall on them.

 “He was above him, taking well the delicacy that laid under him, wanting to his ruling, for no one to dare to take from him and-” Ludwig had been persuaded by the color of Feliciano’s skin and the images in his head enough to fall to the temptation of a kiss. Feliciano hummed and swayed to the kisses placed, Ludwig letting the book close and fall to the ground uncaring. He turned to face both those legs in their entirety, kissing, licking all over them until he dared begin a soft thread up. He took the inner fullness and softness of his thighs, slightly biting, salivating it all in his owning, hands caressing their own way up, until they teased at the hem of his underwear, fingers escaping to take better hold of his backside, as velvet as his legs, pushing him more into his mouth, until he could kiss all his hips.

 Feliciano moved wherever was necessary to give him more access, even letting those fingers begin the removal of the garment, kissing behind in its thread down his leg until it was off and he could focus back on his center, which he readily began to take into his mouth. It was surprising how daring he sucked and licked, like an experienced art, that familiar nervousness forgotten to pleasure his lover how he knew and could. To Feliciano, Ludwig’s mouth was already above the reach of great pleasure, his loud moans now decorating the room, letting himself fall to the bed slow, sometimes arching when Ludwig sucked just the right spot.

 His mouth on his member was not enough, Ludwig wanted the taste of his stomach and sides, which he began to take, leaving an occasional bite that increased the strength of Feliciano’s shouts. How he loved it, only making him bite harder, hands now caressing at his back, while Feliciano let his own hand traverse his own, as well as his hair and strong arms.

 Further up Feliciano’s chest Ludwig went, leaving the ground of the floor until his body joined Feliciano on the bed, on top of him as he decorated him whole in kisses. Feliciano could now wrap his arms around him, scratching, pulling, leaving his own kisses against Ludwig’s head as he instead left them on his collarbone and neck. Ludwig reached Feliciano’s mouth, a kiss heated and passionate that had them writhing across the sheets, always asking for more, driving themselves madden for each other, only a need for a breath enough to dispatch them, into a lock of eyes that kept them frozen in that moment.

 Their want was clear, the moment of initiation there and in that silence it was decided, more assurance in the way Feliciano threaded his fingers gently across Ludwig’s face.

 “Do we…tonight?” Ludwig still wanted to question aloud.

 “Yes…” Feliciano accepted so blissfully already.

 “Are…are you sure? Are…you ready?” Ludwig was ever as nervous, but his want was stronger tonight.

 “Definitely.”

 Ludwig could tell in the utter epitome of dream he represented, taking his face yet again to land him back on their kiss, on wild hands threading the necessary to heighten, to slowly remove articles to reveal more of their skin to small fires that glowed in the room.

 Finally, there was a moment that their naked bodies laid against each other, an exhilarating enough that warmed them, painting them red and giving shivers of delight. Ludwig managed so Feliciano could have his head rested by their pillows, checking constantly they were both comfortable in the bed, his eyes and hands getting distracted and placing them once again to grab, to feel and soothe against that amazing skin that continued Feliciano’s hums. Their groins rubbed deliciously together, that cradle of their hips electrifying, having them already grabbing to the sheets tightly as if dear life was hidden in their silk. But Ludwig wanted that depth, and Feliciano wanted him entirely inside him, needy and humming that request, words lost in the foggy haze of their passion. Ludwig could understand it though, letting one hand start a soft thread from his feet, down his legs, to his thighs, his ass, and finally his entrance, testing a single finger, a widening and wetting spell under his breath as he inserted, spinning softly, creating that needed space as well as louder moans and mewls from Feliciano’s mouth. Delightful they were, having Ludwig smirking, testing to do so faster, harder, earning the roll of eyes, arch and screams that he wanted. He dared a second finger, trying the third, until he knew Feliciano was ready to take his own erection, yet he halted, he stared, to that last bits of virginal essence, shown more physically in the promise necklace that still Feliciano wore, the only item on his naked chest.

 Despite how dark the room was, Feliciano shone still as reddish, orange and even rose as a sun, truly a beauty, a majesty worthy of being Queen and an Ace, and Ludwig felt so small, so human, but he was to dare at heaven, take it and enjoy from it as if he belonged to be a god as well. Feliciano breathed out, air in heat that tainted him in more colors of love and passion. Ludwig could not remove his eyes as one hand traversed through the bedside table, scourging until he found a familiar red collar.

 He remembered how Gilbert had given it to him shortly before they had left on the trip around the four kingdoms, to use if ever this very moment occurred. Ludwig to this day was surprised that it had survived all the countless of things that happened, to be able to wrap around perfect to that delectable neck, one that Ludwig reached to kiss as he angled his hips, tip where it should, body ready, hands gentle and kisses loving. They both enjoyed those kisses, not minding its lengths, its distractions for what was meant to happen next.

 “Is it all right?” Ludwig was ever cautious.

 “Mhm,” Feliciano nodded, with a slight tremble, one that didn’t make Ludwig so sure.

 “Feliciano, are you really-”

 “Yes, please, I am,” he was able to convince still, a devotion Ludwig could see clearly in his eyes, that raised his hips, took Feliciano’s hand tightly, laying them as comfortably as he could upon the bed.

 “I-I’m going to, okay…”

 Feliciano nodded once again and afterwards Ludwig began a smoothing push, both admitting soft, different, but the deeper Ludwig went, Feliciano’s soothing expression grimaced and groaned, away from singing moans. The immense pleasure that started surrounding Ludwig wasn’t worth seeing Feliciano like this. He was ready to depart, but Feliciano raised his hand and kept a strong hold on his shoulders, potent enough to even have his nails piercing the skin there, slowly raising his legs to wrap them around Ludwig.

 “Do-don’t worry…please continue,” Feliciano wanted to push on. He kept telling himself that he was ready, that a little pain was not going to ruin it. He could take it.

 Ever so careful and worried, Ludwig pushed on slow, hating how Feliciano proceeded to cringe, but he was following the demands of the pushes Feliciano managed with his legs, until Ludwig knew for sure that he was buried deliciously and fully inside him.

 It was glorious, like truly engulfed in unimaginable heights, but through that cloudy haze of pleasure he could still see Feliciano’s pain, having to pull himself from this heaven, away from thrusting on like instinct and his want called for, but love and care for Feliciano showed stronger as he lay still, breathing heavily above him, gazing between one another as they let themselves be adjusted and discover. Oh, this was enough, this was fulfilling, amazing, Ludwig wrapping well around him, intermingling breaths and settling with that welcoming of their sex.

 “Are…are you all right?” Ludwig managed to word somehow.

 Feliciano could only nod, as the piercing passed, as ecstasy began to make its entrance, as light came, as Feliciano’s small groans turned into melodic moans.

 “It-it’s, wonderful,” Feliciano breathed out in dream as it slowly turned into the bliss so many had spoken about. Oh, it was so much more than words, or tales, or even pictures. It was an union unlike any, as they said, becoming their one, their power, released in this air of grandeur pleasure.

 “You…you can move now,” Feliciano sounded almost hypnotized.

 “Are you…really-”

 “Yes, I am, just please…” his legs tightened around him, bringing his hands to his back, caress as sweetly, a wonderful touch to add to their present union. “Let’s give in.”

 The content, the adoration in his eyes and even the way his body relaxed to the pleasure was just enough for Ludwig, who began to pull, then, in a wonderful friction, in, his first thrust announced in a loud moan.

 “More…” Feliciano asked, expecting the strengthening and speed of that fulfill. But Ludwig remained cautious, and despite the amazement and the continuing increase of dreaming haze in his mind, he began slow, with sweet caresses, kisses against Feliciano’s neck that assured him more that Feliciano’s moans were now of indeed deep pleasure.

 As the assurance grew, he confided to give in to speed, to take more of those depths, relishing on the skin surrounding him, joining Feliciano in decorating the room in their sounds.

 “More…” Feliciano begged more loudly, and this time, oh truly this time, did Ludwig let himself give fully in, harsh, with speed, force, all sparks of lighting and beautiful storms in their bed. It shook, it bounced with their force, all red, all shouts, their union ruling and giving more sparks of love to continue them in those thrusts, in wraps of arms, kisses, strong, wanting to keep that bliss, their heaven. Ludwig quickly learned to use well the strength presented in his body, it aiding to find a spot that had Feliciano losing sense of all the tangible around him.

 Only but Ludwig, oh only Ludwig, taking in his all to something that was turning to his mightiest need. They repeated words of love, of makings of strength and speed, until that wanted forever had to reach a peak that they had to accept if even unwanted.

 It exploded, it tainted magnificence, they fell harshly but ever so comfortable in their arms, in that comfort, Feliciano still keeping his legs strong around Ludwig’s waist, and Ludwig kept himself inside him, still relishing by knowing well that he was in his queen’s depths, taken for him, all for him, only for him, Ludwig repeating that claim in unintelligible words, kisses and even bites of showcase.

 “I love you, I love you, I love you,” was their mantra, kisses continuing until exhaustion reached them, until they desired sleep, although wanting to remain in the sweat of what was their deepest passion, together, wraps well around them. Part of Ludwig wanted to hope he could keep himself inside him for all the night, to always keep them unified, hoping for new pleasures to easily pick up and start again. Comfort had won though, content in the naked press of their skin, their easy breaths as they settled into sleep, well into their crooks as continuation of their love making. Ecstasy it was even with eyes closed, in dreams.

 Unnoticed went the change of Feliciano’s promise necklace, now red with a beautiful white floral design, uniting in the center to the usual heart of the kingdom.

 The promise had been fulfilled, kissed then by the sudden entering of a single red rose petal.

#gerita #Feliciano and the King of Hearts #fatkoh #f&tkoh #gerita fanfiction #gerita fanfic #gerita fic

[worldcakecakecake]

Feliciano and the King of Hearts

Chosen by the gods as the Queen of Hearts from the moment of birth, we follow Feliciano’s story as he grows into royal life, learns to rule, go against age old customs, and his relationship with his husband to be, the King of Hearts.

Chapter 1 I  Chapter 2 I Chapter 3 I Chapter 4 I Chapter 5 I Chapter 6I Chapter 7 I Chapter 8 IChapter 9I Chapter 10 I Chapter 11I Chapter 12 I Chapter 13 I Chapter 14 I Chapter 15 I Chapter 16 I Chapter 17 I Chapter 18 I Chapter 19 I Chapter 20 I Chapter 21 I Chapter 22 I Chapter 23 I Chapter 24 I Chapter 25 I Chapter 26 I Chapter 27 I Chapter 28 I Chapter 29 I Chapter 30 I Chapter 31 I Chapter 32 I Chapter 33 I Chapter 34 I Chapter 35 I Chapter 36 I Chapter 37 I chapter 38 I Chapter 39 I Chapter 40 I Chapter 41 I Chapter 42 I Chapter 43 I Chapter 44

I know it’s been a long time, but many countless of things happened (which I talked about in my personal, posted about in this blog or even in my snapchat) that basically dwindled me in writing this chapter…which let me say is actually the longest in the entire story and it makes it 200k and who knows if the next one would be just as long (so I already ask that you be patient for it and that you understand). I really apologize for the time it took and I want to thank you all for your patience. You guys have no idea how excited I was to write this chapter and I hope it was worth the wait for you all. Enjoy!

                                                  Chapter 45 

All seven of them had been from different provinces of the southern Spades kingdom, despite three of them being related, yet even with that difference, even their own personality and outlooks, together they worked in a pattern that was harmonious and made the trek on the river peaceful and scenic. They passed quite the majestic views, disappearing the further they went or when a tree or hill covered them, to then present new views in welcome.  They saw as the rivers took different kinds of turns, by waterfalls, by intimidatingly tall mountains, through mists, heavy jungle, the river expanding as large enough for them to think they were in the middle of the sea or thin enough for them to be able to touch the trees that rested on the banks. All kinds of colorful birds flew above them, with tails of ice, of fire, of winding leaves, or pristine ones that seemed like they were made of jewels. In one moment they spotted a beautiful lavender dragon sleeping in a cave from afar, griffins enjoying from drinks in the cleanest part of the river, where they met with water serpents, swimming along beside the boat without a care. It was all fantastic things that Feliciano tried his best to copy into his sketchbook, having peaceful moments while the rest had breakfast, lunch or dinner, all which they had on the boat, not a moment given to stop. If they had to resupply, they easily took the items from the branches that stretched off in their way, from natural fruits to bags left behind by other contacts. Their moving was calm, not flowing or shaking, the ground as stern as if they were on any hardened stone floor ground, it gave the chance for all kinds of activities to take place in the boat, from cooking, to card games, even for them to play their instruments, always a song to be heard in the nights, a mini feast for every star coated sky, clear enough to see them dusting in purples and blues or capture an escaped shooting star. They tapped their feet, clapped their hands, Feliciano joining along in adding lyrics they would make up that instant. It was the kind of moving feeling that made him wish he could dance…glances to Ludwig to always find him in the same state since they left the Spadian castle. Lost, eyes distant to the horizons the river kept taking, no words, no meet, he stood in solitude during the entire trip, only offering his help for certain navigational things or in the kitchen, cutting harder foods that the others couldn’t manage, but always cold, always to himself. It hadn’t settled well with this newly met group.

 In one of those afternoons, a misty one that only the members of this ship seemed to look through while Ludwig and Feliciano remained lost, did Martín pointed into the mess, spotting a Clubian flag flying proudly between the mist, the green and the Clubian symbols clear for Ludwig and Feliciano to identify.

 “Were officially in Clubs,” Elisa welcomed, a celebratory tone and shine in her eyes that the rest shared, for they fulfilled their mission in the aspect of getting them to the kingdom.

 “We’ll be arriving to Murmansk tomorrow in the afternoon,” Corisande reminded with a smile and Feliciano shared one with him in high expectations, knowing they were to arrive to the final castle soon, the last capital, the last of the validity spheres, the placing in the fields and they could finally return home.

 Ludwig turned away and headed back to their room, even more drifting and apart, not even coming to join the rest of the crew in dinner that night. When Feliciano had gone into the room ready for his last sleep on the boat, he found Ludwig wide awake, staring into the ceiling, not drifting from his concentration even as Feliciano entered, as he settled himself on the bed and got himself ready…it was like he wasn’t even there to him. Every time Feliciano awoke during the night, he would find Ludwig in the same position, his eyes dancing around the room, a huff of breath here and there or scratching his arm, but it seemed like he hadn’t reached any kind of rest and wouldn’t be able to. By the time dawn came, Feliciano woke to find he was alone, Ludwig gone. He despised waking at such hours, but he couldn’t take much more of it, he had to do something, he needed to initiate something between them again. He got a cloak, insisting Pookie he remained resting on the bed while he went to find Ludwig. He was at the prow, taking a sitting and keeping watch to the surrounding forest, a mist still constant but not blinding. It was comfortable, but still chilling, it had Feliciano tightening the cloak around himself.

 “Morning,” he thought he could wish, with a strong smile, confident in his eyes and stature, hoping Ludwig could find ease in it.

 Ludwig glanced at him but it was quick, not letting their eyes meet and only a huff as a response before he focused instead on some tangled rope on the floor.

 “It’s beautiful at this hour, isn’t it?” Feliciano complimented to the surroundings, coming closer, debating if he should take his empty side or not.

 "I guess," he only admitted, with a shrug and an unimportant gleam to the clearness of the water, the dimming mist, the towering hills, the dawning sky of darkness meeting that of approaching light. Feliciano wondered how Ludwig could simply describe it as that, lean and act as if the surroundings weren’t there, as if they were as plain as a wall, with no more words to say or even some sort of invitation for something to begin between them.

 Impatient, Feliciano decided to take that seat beside him anyways, but it continued to instigate nothingness, for silence to reign on between them, only the rush of the water below them, of whatever new chirping birds deep within the jungle, Feliciano having to settle with what he saw before him, still hoping, still awaiting some kind of response.

 Nothing, nothing, nothing, like another stranger, like another day of ignorance back at the castle.

 He forgot how weakened it made him, how useless, how invisible, but he still determined, he still looked on for a kind of idea as the river shortened, a fine line that made them more unison to the forest, going along with its waking, looking for an idea, looking for an ideal, until his eyes found something rather peculiar.

 A fruit, a familiar one, one of his books, of a very old promise that called him to fulfill.

 With a teasing smile he stood up, reaching the edge until he met one of the coming branches, a fruit hanging perfectly for his easy reach, for him to grab and let it fall on the hold of his hand.

 "Remember this?" Feliciano smiled, presenting the disgusting thing with seeds.

 The sight made Ludwig nauseous, but he dared give a little grin, an idea to where this was going.

 "Yes...and if I remember correctly, you did say you would eat it if we ever did find it," Ludwig dared him with teasing eyes.  

 Finally a glow, finally a small chance.

 "Why do you think I grabbed it?" Feliciano smirked, tossing the fruit between his hands before he raised it to his nostril. The scent was awful but manageable, and so with instant action he took the first bite, the mix of slime and hard seeds a distasteful one that had his face cringing, but still he managed to find a sweet spot that settled his expression into quite the calm. Ludwig was trying hard not to laugh, trying to look away, but Feliciano's face contorted so cutely he couldn’t resist, releasing a smirk.

 "It's not that bad," Feliciano admitted, turning it around, wondering if he should dare take another bite.

 It was in that moment Amaro headed out from his room to do his usual work for the day, adjusting his chullo over his dark hair when he easily spotted the fruit he hoped the arising queen of hearts was not actually munching on.

 "Please tell me you haven't swallowed it," he neared, panic growing in his expression and Feliciano shrugged not finding the dilemma, but he did deny to swallowing with his head.

 "That's a kishore, they're extremely poisonous and could very well kill you if it hits your stomach."

 Feliciano's eyes widened in panic, any movement with his mouth instantly halted, the fruit falling off his hand, landing on the deck uselessly. Even Ludwig shared in the same panic expression, ready to stand and aid.

 "Spit it out!" Amaro commanded and Feliciano instantly spitted it all to the deck, making clear his disgust by groaning and trying to lick away any remnants in his hands, now beginning to cough. It was the site that welcomed Manuel that morning as he thought he could join in peace and calm. He quickly realized what was going on by vaguely recognizing the spitted and ruined bites of fruit on the floor.

 "Don't tell me he actually tried to eat a kishore,"

 "Yep," Amaro admitted.

 "Crazy Heartians," Manuel sighed but offered a hand ushering into the boat, "come on, I have some healing potions that can help."

 Feliciano quickly agreed, still continuing to rid any essence in his mouth by licking on his cloak as he went and followed Manuel, who gave one last roll of his eyes to Amaro before following behind the arising Queen.

 Being left alone with Amaro somehow made Ludwig more aware, bringing embarrassment, the mess on the floor still taunting him. "I'll...clean it up..."

 Amaro nodded, a slight relief.

  They arrived to Murmansk in that afternoon as promised, in tranquility and smoothness, the action of this port one that was done in calm, only an occasional shout of Russian men and women commanding over their ships, boards, letting the small dingy move across them in uncare, without knowing of the presence that was held inside, of the royal stares they received as the very monarchs took their surroundings to this rather simple but comforting town. Buildings rising in slopes, in normal commute, the last of the day before all headed home, and in the passing Ludwig and Feliciano could not spot any familiar face, no crowds or fair to showcase the king they were supposed to meet. The rest of the crew spotted their extensive longing, their search, crouching and ducking as if they were traversing those very bridges they went under.

 "He's here, we already got a message," Pedro said as he helped along in grabbing ropes and moving other objects preparing for their docking.

 "But where?" Feliciano wondered, still searching.

 "Special dock, right..." Tulio moved forward, just as they passed a large ship that covered the last enclosure where the port finished, "there."

 And there was the array of flags and arms, in the Clubian greens and silvers, horses like men covered in the symbols and armors, a royal welcome unlike any Ludwig and Feliciano had received in all their journey, quite a contrast compared to the worn boat they had made their river trip the past few days.

 Men helped along with the crew in their docking, in helping with bringing down the luggage and the very royals who were moved forward to be presented before King Ivan. As tall, as intimidating, a reigning force of power that brought Ludwig and Feliciano to bow, Ivan nodding in approval to their reverence.

 “Welcome, I’m glad you have arrived as safely as we all hoped. I assume everything went well on the boat ride.” Ivan changed his gaze to the crew, who all instantly bowed in a sudden shake.

 “We did what we best could for their highnesses,” Martin was the only one who dared speak for now, and the rest really appreciated him for it.

 “Very well then, you have fulfilled a crucial mission, we shall continue onward until we reach the palace. My deepest thanks for what you did for them.” Ivan gave them a bow in gratitude, while the rest only brought themselves more to the floor, only to stand once again when Ivan settled his horse away to prepare the group’s departure.

 Already men were ushering Ludwig and Feliciano to move forward, but Feliciano refused to without saying goodbye. He turned to the crew and he hugged them all by turn, thanking them for everything they did, the music, the dancing, the food, the jokes and the smiles, hoping they could one day meet again for the same things. It was a routine Ludwig had settled himself in doing, but with shakes and small smiles, even if how distant he had been that entire boat ride.

 Horses were brought over to them, as richly decorated as the rest, these ones specifically with green Heartian symbols, prepared and awaited. Feliciano knew these animals must be just as beautiful underneath all this weight, which made him feel bad, caressing and wording them all kinds of comfort for what they had to do for them. They were asked to simply mount, both Ludwig and Feliciano not expecting to be so out in the open for one of the last parts of their journey, but they obeyed, picking their horses, waving goodbye to the others and reaching by Ivan’s side, who was awaiting them by the stone of the rest of the port, citizens walking by, of course crowds stopping to stare, to point, whistle and hope for a chance to be greeted by any of the royals present.

 “No carriage?” Ludwig finally worded.

 “It would only stall us more, we can’t afford to lose more time, you’re both way later than we had scheduled. Riding ourselves by horse is much quicker, which is why we brought these guards and soldiers for extra protection,” Ivan seemed to scold.

 “I thought you had received letters of all our kinds of predicaments,” Ludwig tried to excuse.

 “We did, it just drove us more impatient, but come along, we must depart immediately, the palace is awaiting our arrival for tomorrow in the afternoon.” How could he say that with such a tranquil smile while also intending business, driving his horse around and already starting a fast pace out of the port and city, one Ludwig and Feliciano were forced to follow with the rest of the men.

  Nothing covered them from the air and dust that rose, in true to nature and to its real radius. It was a similar hurry like the one from Shanghai to Washington, a nonstop that refused to give victory to any kind of exhaustion or dwindling.

 It was truly as the books have written, as the arts depicted, a continuous thick green wall of darkness and mystery that would go on with different kinds of wonders to see in their depths, covering quaint single houses, villages, impressive tall churches like the very trees had carved them, humans decorating with the metals and jewels they found surely easy at the shores of rivers and lakes. The only time Feliciano could sketch was on their night stop in Petrozavodsk, trying to pour all the scenes in his sketchbook, noticing that he had very few pages left to complete the full book and coming into the realization that he needed to limit himself for what was left of the journey. How could he when there was a plethora in every corner his eyes landed on.

 He thought about perhaps buying a new sketchbook. They were not that far from a city center and it wouldn’t take too long, maybe if he asked Ludwig- that’s when he remembered…he was given a different tent, Feliciano having his own at the moment, empty with none of Ludwig’s belongings, only Pookie resting away at the top of one of his cloaks. It was the first time throughout the journey they had been given separate resting places, intensifying the loneliness and fault Feliciano had felt from Ludwig ever since they left Washington. He wanted to hope that it was just because they had extra tents that needed to be used, that maybe Ludwig just needed some sort of lonely mediation for the night before things returned to the blooming chance they had so tightly on their grasps lately.

 With a sigh, a close of his sketchbook that he tucked back into one of his bags, he blew the lantern shut and focused solely on sleeping, not on this emptiness, not in this worry.

  Without another delay they hurried off the next morning in the same pace as the day before, only a small breakfast to spare and lunch to be taken as they rode. Moscow was their next stop, nearer and nearer as the populace expanded around them, activity growing, more buildings and landmarks appearing between the heavy greenery. Finally Feliciano could spot the expanse of the palace from a distance, the pacing slowed, everyone in the group could relax, except the guards, who now took extra vigilance as they covered well around the arising monarchs. It was just as the crowds around them grew, as the whole city headed out, chanting, congratulating and celebrating their awaited arrival.

 Feliciano could barely hear any words spoken by the guards, Ludwig or even Ivan, as all these unknown Russian words were shouted and screamed between the streets, by the rivers, by the squares, and all Feliciano could do was just wave and smile politely while also taking into his sights the beauty this new city had to offer. He was impressed with the perfect blend of city and landscape, everything intended to be covered well in some kind of greenery, but showcasing intricate towers, domes and details that showed the presence of human build and progress. The closer they got to the palace, the more noise reigned, the more packed the crowds became and more guards were sent to offer better protection. Drums were banged, trumpets blew and special flags fell upon the main doors and windows of the palace, all with Heartian symbols, in warm welcome to the foreign royals that kept trying harder to make their way between the crushing multitudes.

 This was officially the biggest welcome they had received, reminding them of their power, of their worth, especially with this journey, what they had accomplished, the news they made, what it meant to finally arrive to the last kingdom and what was coming next.

 Feliciano admired how Ludwig could remain with his stoic expression, gaze onward to nothing but the palace, with a glare as if he was meeting with a long enemy. He was uncaring to the action surrounding him, unlike Feliciano who was drowning in it, trying to properly greet as many as he could.

 Finally they passed through the frontal gates of the palace, where crowds still cheered, the guards having to force a good pathway for them to strode along on their horses, with not enough space seeing there was a long pond and fountain depicting an ace scene, so beautifully sculpted that it took Feliciano’s sudden attention, until new trumpets bellowed and forced Feliciano to look onward.

 A large smile, giddiness, he was ready to jump from his horse and offer her the biggest hug, but there were still so many people surrounding them, plus the presentation called for more dignity and control.

 Elizabeta found herself in the same excitements, having to control any urges of her own embraces and kisses by keeping her hands behind her and standing in grace, biting into her lips to not let herself shrill and shout to Feliciano in more familiar welcomes. It was quite endearing, Roderich had to admit as he stood beside her, sporting a smile with just the same intent and it only brought Feliciano with more urge to scream and bring them both into a powerful crush of arms.

 Ivan dismounted his horse, followed by Ludwig and so Feliciano took his queue, seeing as the guards provided a space for them to finally walk, going up the large marbled frontal stairs until they reached the very platform Roderich and Elizabeta stood in, waiting along with other officials.

 Once they were all presented properly before each other, the crowds fell silent, clear as to not even let the royals say a word against it.

 With an extend of her arms, as if pointing to the magnificence of her entire city, Elizabeta bellowed: “Finally, welcome to Moscow!”

 The crowds cheered, Ludwig and Feliciano bowed, and Ivan took his side by his own ruling companions.

 “With us holds the last of the Validity Spheres, and towards that direction,” she pointed to a faraway bridge that led deeper into the kingdom, “is the field where we keep King Khaos prisoner, in the once remnants of the Black Kingdom, the last stop and the goal of the journey to place all Validity Spheres. Afterwards it is a journey home, with completion and resolution. In honor of your journey, of your collection of all Validity Spheres, of the placing and of your soon return home, we shall celebrate a grand ball in two days, the night before your departure the next afternoon, with all welcomed to come.” The crowds once again roared, jumping and clapping, growing eager as did Feliciano.

 The three took synchronized bows to the crowds before they turned forward to the grand entrance of the palace, all ushering them inside, and so Ludwig and Feliciano entered into the richness and comfort of such a grand place.

 It was as they walked, the three discussing information about the events that would take place in the next three days, did Feliciano notice that the Clubian palace was actually the smallest of the kingdom castles. Sure, it was still large, it had richness, amazing architecture art, golds, silvers, arches, domes, murals showing wonderful sculpted designs, paintings, and shinning floors and windows that guided light to enter in an enchanting glow. Servants moved pass them in the usual rhythm of work of any castle, all the commotion happening outside shushed out by these powerful walls, yet it was somehow humble and modest, they were probably already walking its entire length, an easy access to everything that made Feliciano more confident in making his way around.

 “-as for rooming, we chose for you two the Pasternak room, it has a beautiful view to our gardens and it’s the most perfect spot in the entire palace for a cup of tea,” Roderich told.

 “About that, if I may ask,” Ludwig suddenly halted, coughing, taking a better stance, hoping his request could be taken more seriously, “can you leave that room for Feliciano? I request to have another room separate from my arising queen.”

 It was an odd request they had not expected, for all three to gaze to each other wondering if it was possible to be done at such a short notice, all while all kinds of crashes happened in Feliciano’s heart, trying not to let his face fall, trying to be uncaring, focusing on a painting of a spring day on the ceiling and not on any of his inner tearings.

 “May we ask for a proper reason?” Ivan wondered.

 “I need a separate spot to relax and think, the journey has exhausted me and I would want proper rest before we head to the field,” he excused, a forced trained look in his eyes, clearly hiding, clearly holding and even begging.

 Elizabeta and Roderich looked with question towards their King, who then nodded in acceptance once the silence was prolonged enough.

 “Very well then, I’ll have the servants prepare the Svantovit room, it’s on an opposite wing from here, private and guarded, I’m sure no one will come bother you.” To Feliciano it just helped to create more walls, to see him further and unapproachable.

 “Thank you,” Ludwig bowed and they continued on with a tour of the castle, a brilliance that wasn’t enough of a light to have Feliciano rising.

  Feliciano was used to exploring new cities with Ludwig, and even with his reluctance, his retreats and indifference, somehow a chat always escaped, a smile, a wonder, a growing string that was pulling them together once again. This time though, Feliciano explored Moscow with only Elizabeta’s guidance. Sure, Elizabeta managed to make him smile, bring him eager in taking every building, every shop, every bakery, restaurant, bridge, square, river, passing boats and carriages, but she noticed that it wasn’t enough to really make him attentive, to have his special glow and smile.

 He brought his coloring pencils and sketchbook with him, yet he only managed a single drawing of one of the crowded squares, the rest of the pages only receiving pencil taps as Feliciano spent the day lost in his thoughts, a thread that Elizabeta could not accomplish to break him out of.

 In those two days he saw no sign of Ludwig, not vagabonding through the halls, not on a break, not on a reading, he didn’t even join them for breakfast and dinner. Feliciano didn’t actually spot him until the ball.

 What grandeur, what people and dresses, what grace of movements and festivity. For a moment he could lose himself in that new rhythm, in that dream as he swayed in green for the occasion.

 It was tight around his waist, loose sleeves and front, revealing shoulders and part of his chest, an act that didn’t sit well with Roderich when he first saw him come out of his room that evening. The front had an excellent embroider of silver, gold and jewels, matching with symbols on his sleeves, belt, side of his tight pants and boots. He felt handsome, he knew he had surely gotten plenty of eyes, granting many a dream dance, both to men and women who had been worthy partners that Feliciano did not mind at all loosing himself with for the night. He danced with Elizabeta, he danced with Roderich, even with Ivan, who complimented and admired how dashing Feliciano looked in that green. He received similar comments from many others, who he smiled to and thanked, complimenting them as well, but they weren’t the one he wanted to hear it from the most, they weren’t the eyes he wanted to catch and they weren’t the arms of the person he truly wanted to dance with.

 Ludwig was but a shadow throughout the whole feast, staying by the sides away from the dancing and commotion, having drinks and taking from the snacks. He occasionally spoke to groups eager to meet and have a chat with him, but he barely responded with words, only bows, nods and huffs before they continued with their laughing and joyful conversations with other groups. The only time Feliciano saw him actually have a proper long conversation was at the beginning with Roderich and later then with Ivan just as he had finished his dancing with the arising queen.

 Feliciano had taken his break to have his own drink and snack, enjoying in a small chat with a lovely young woman when a certain melody began to play. Elizabeta had mentioned that it would signify the coming closing to the ball, in other words one of the last chances for a dance, a beautiful song just perfect, with no one else to share it but with Ludwig.

 Ivan headed off to chat with other officials, while Roderich took the chance to have Elizabeta in a lovely dance, one Feliciano was eager to be a part of, and so with a deep breath he bravely settled towards Ludwig’s direction. He was standing by himself, gazing over to a view of the frontal gates of the palace and into the city…specifically to that bridge, the one he knew they would be taking the next afternoon in direction to the field. Ludwig had managed to block out any kind of sounds, any kind of lingering presence of guests, even Feliciano’s close approach, his heavy stare on him, delightful breaths that called, that made him weak enough to actually turn to him.

 “What?” He demanded.

 “Oh um just um…” now Feliciano didn’t know how to speak, how to compose, “saw you here and I wanted to know if you were okay.”

 “I’m all right,” Ludwig simply answered, turning his gaze back to the view.

 “Are you really?” Feliciano dared question, leaning, a closeness that was like him joining in the blocking, truly separating themselves from the commotion behind them.

 “As always, you shouldn’t fret about it,” Ludwig answered, distracting himself in the sip of his drink.

 “I will fret because I’m worried about you,” he dared say, a response that had Ludwig surprise, a widen expression that Feliciano didn’t miss.

 “Tell me…what’s going on?” He tried, he called, he hoped, a closure that surely touched, that he knew had been a glimpse for something from Ludwig, but he quickly shut it off before it enlarged, turning completely away to face the wall he rested on. Nothing, Feliciano knew he was not going to get anything.

 He turned to gaze to the dancing guest, happily twirling and flying unaware of the two royals who at the moment had no such liveliness…but Feliciano was still willing to try.

 “If you’re not going to tell me, at least um…” he caught his attention, he had to be quick, he had to say it before he became any more nervous, “dance with me.”

 He really tried out his most confident smile, but it was slowly faltering, worsening by every second Ludwig’s heavy stare on him continued. He finished his drink, leaving it discarded on a near empty tray, turning away, standing apart from the wall with clear direction in wanting to head out.

 “I would rather not,” he admitted coldly, beginning a pace to move outside, uncaring to whatever turmoil Feliciano met.

 “Why?” Feliciano demanded to know, halting Ludwig from continuing onward, command enough in his voice for Ludwig to be obedient enough to hear.

 “We can’t,” he simply said.

 “Why can’t we?”

 “We just can’t!”

 “For fuck’s sakes Ludwig!” Feliciano exploded. He couldn’t deal, he couldn’t hold, the crashing was slowly starting to show and pour out. Ludwig admittedly stiffed at hearing such harsh words leave Feliciano’s mouth, a piercing enough that was beginning to even hurt.

 “For once…for fucking once, just tell me what’s going on, don’t keep hiding this, don’t keep distancing yourself away from me …it’s hurting…it’s hurting so much and it has to be hurting you too. I can’t stand to be treated like this any longer and I can’t stand to continue watching you suffer alone through this, please!” His voice broke, tears verged and yet Feliciano managed in walking towards him, hoping to reach more silence and peace between them for a chance of speech.

 “Please…please… tell me,” he silently begged, the first trails falling down his cheeks.

 Ludwig turned to him, meeting this mess and yet utter indifference remained in his eyes, which only worsened Feliciano, only made him weaker.

 “Please…” Feliciano wished once again, falling into desperation.

 A breath, a sigh, a whispered “I’m sorry” and Ludwig moved away, into darkness, in silence, in no reply, in no running back to console and promise.

 “Please…please…” yet Feliciano kept on hoping, but no words were returned to him, he was left on this terrace alone, the only comfort but the blowing breeze.

 Ludwig just left, he just left like that without a care, without an explanation, securing what Feliciano had so much tried to deny the last few days. The realization shook him, uncontrollable tears now washing all over his face, working in the trembling, in the falling.

 Laughter still continued in the feast, one Elizabeta was coming out from in a splendorous smile.

 “Feliciano, there you are, I was meaning to-” she saw, she noticed.

 “Feliciano…” she extended a hand, she eased and like the tumbling of a tall tree, Feliciano fell right into her arms in the large breaking of a sob, of whimpers, of continuous shakes, drenching Elizabeta’s dress in his misery.

 “Feliciano, Feliciano, Feliciano,” she repeated, cradling and letting him in his release, hands running through his hair, his arms, his back, seeing him as small as that baby she had met along ago. She didn’t word anything else but his name, shushing, caressing, holding him close, letting him in this break, understanding what was going on by knowing who just left, the concerns Feliciano had worded in their stroll through Moscow, not knowing what to do but just let themselves lay on the floors of the terrace to swim in this disarray. Roderich had spotted them this way and came close, clear concern in his eyes along with question directed towards Elizabeta. She didn’t know how to answer, she only opened her mouth expecting to say something but she couldn’t, she really did not know what to say. Ivan passed and noticed as well, only starring, surely asking Roderich for answers that he didn’t have.

 All this just made it heavier for the three of them, knowing what was coming tonight.

  It was dark, the activities of the ball now long gone, the palace in somber silence as it should be expected of in such late hours. Yet here Feliciano was still awake, still teary eyed, laying across the rich couch in his ball clothes, with not enough interest in changing into his night ones and sleeping, curtains open to reveal the splendor of the garden. It looked gorgeous, a sculptured scene of fauna that surely would have had him smiling, sketching away on his book, going on with words, compliments and stories to Pookie. The same melancholy remained in his expression with no joy or glow, his eyes, although in direction to the garden, were distracted and lost, the trace of tears still evident under his eyes and cheeks, his sketchbook still tucked in his bag, Pookie cuddling, nuzzling and purring, trying to find ways to help him feel better, but nothing did the trick, nothing seemed to awake him from this fall.

 So entranced he was he didn’t notice the eyes that were watching him, Elizabeta’s holding the most concerned, only leaving a crack to spot, hoping the light of the torch she held wouldn’t be enough to disturb him. It pained her, there was a slight tremble to the hold she had, hoping she could just let all of this fall, go in there and give him all the embraces he needed until he was back to his normal sunshine self.

 “Can’t we tell him another day?” She asked Roderich and Ivan, who each stood by her side holding the same torches, the same seriousness and determination locked in their eyes, in their chest, in their breaths, the prepared tones and approaches that they had long ago set ready for this day.

 “Elizabeta, the writings made the instructions clear, we’re supposed to tell him tonight,” Roderich reminded.

 “We’re already as late as we are, we cannot stall this much longer,” Ivan joined.

 “But he’s not well…he’s hurt, if we tell him this now… I don’t know if it would only get him to feel worst,” she still worried.

 “He’ll have to deal with it, Elizabeta. There is a lot at stake, meaning more than what is going through his heart and mind,” Ivan interjected, ushering and nodding. It had to happen, it had to be told and shown, and so in turn Elizabeta nodded, taking a sigh, breathing in, gathering that strength to begin, starting with the slow push she gave to the door.

 This new single line of light that entered was enough to disturb the darkness Feliciano had adjusted to. He turned and clear in the door was Elizabeta, dressed as regally as she had been for the ball, a proud crown, shinning…and a large torch in her hands. He squinted at it, wondering why it was that Elizabeta had brought something so bright and disturbing to his room, especially in the state he was in. If she was meaning to console him, coming in dressed like she was on her way to a trial and holding an intimidatingly bright burning torch was not the way to do so.

 “Feliciano…” she called almost in a whisper, a slight tremble in her tone that made Feliciano stir in worry.

 “Yes?” He began to rise, Pookie looking just as worried and taking a securing grasp on Feliciano’s shoulder.

 “You…have to come with us, there’s… something we have to show you.”

 The silence that continued was eerie, one that made Feliciano hesitant in the steps he took to come closer, finally noticing that Ivan and Roderich joined her with the same regal clothing and torches. Once he reached outside into the hall, door closed behind him to no escape, did Ivan and Roderich nod and began making their way down the empty and silent halls.

 “Come on,” Elizabeta simply told him, ushering him to follow them across their traverse through the palace.

 No words were exchanged during the process, the palace seeming dead at these late hours, the only sound those of their footsteps, echoing quite tauntingly in the air, making Feliciano tremble the more.

 “What are you going to show me?”

 “Soon enough,” Elizabeta answered.

 “But what exactly?”

 “Something…something that all the kingdoms should have known the moment you were born,” she admitted as much, which drove Feliciano to widen his eyes and worry the more, trembling in nervous excitement.

 “Shouldn’t…Ludwig be with us then?” He reminded.

 “We think he already knows,” Roderich finally said something, just as they stopped before an old tapestry.

 They had reached a centering hall in the palace, one that barely saw any presence of even servants, only the three of them, who shared knowing signals, Ivan offering to move the tapestry aside to show a plain wall. Roderich then moved closer, placing a hand on it, uttering a quiet spell under his breath, letting all watch as the wall rippled in disappearance until a whole new hall was shown, much to Feliciano’s deep impression. The Club royals were by now indifferent to it, having been enough times through this hall to know, readily making their way while Feliciano remained fearful outside, having to be pushed by Pookie to be able to continue alongside them.

 This hall went on in sudden steps in a downward direction, although not seeming as so with the rich decorations that stood. It was rather dusty, older things that must have been left behind decades ago, the style of back then, with paintings, rugs, tapestries, even sculpted designs to match. To Feliciano it was somehow like turning back in time. It was also really dark and having the torches really aided in the steps he took, especially since staircases could appear out of nowhere. Feliciano swore he would trip at some point, especially with how long it continued, surely minutes passing by before they stopped under the largeness of a very ancient door, contrasting greatly with the newer walls that offered its standing. The closer Feliciano came and the more the torches lite up, he began to notice that the great symbol that was presented was actually a very old Heartian symbol, quite weird to see in the old halls of a Clubian palace.

 They didn’t open anything, they still remained silent, yet they turned to Feliciano…expecting.

 “Huh?” He questioned.

 “You have to open it,” Ivan said as if it was obvious.

 “How?” He didn’t see any lock or handle on it.

 “We don’t know,” Elizabeta had to admit.

 “The writings just say that you have to open it,” Roderich added.

 “I thought you had already been through here,”

 “We haven’t,” Ivan said.

 “Nobody has in centuries,” Elizabeta said.

 It only brought Feliciano with more question, gazing over to the door, not aiding at all with the still present confusion. “Then…how do know you’re supposed to show me something? Do you even know what’s in there?”

 “Writings,” Roderich said as if it could clear enough, but Feliciano gazed on rather incredulous to it.

 “King Yura, Queen Adrian and Jack Anikó left behind a series of scrolls, pamphlets and letters in a special chest, closed for centuries…until you were born,” Elizabeta wanted to start clearing.

 Feliciano’s eyes widened at the mention of those names, scared to the connection that it meant to his birth. They were the three who had been rulers of Clubs back for the war of the darkened decades. He knew they aided in the battles to subjugate Khaos, following his great grandfather Romulus.

 “It was all instructions for us, the rulers for when you would be passing through here for the delivery of the Validity Spheres, when they understood you will be ready to see this,” Elizabeta continued to explain, her gaze just as curious to the door, wondering if she would truly see in there what she had read.

 “We know because they detailed exactly the contents of this room. We were instructed to be able to explain it to you the night before you left to the fields, to be guides and give support to how you might react. They drew pictures and gave as many clarifications as they could, we just hope it’s enough,” Ivan said, wanting to be as trusting.

 Although all this just made more tension arise in Feliciano, he still nodded, he still faced the door, now more curious than ever, nervous of course, but if this was something meant for him to see, he knew he had to enter, move across, perhaps to finally be given some new set of answers.

 Although there was no handle, no keyhole, no specific mark, he settled with simply placing both his hands upon the cool and hard texture, shutting his eyes and settling with a simple release of power, something he had managed to learn and control in his recent dedication to his power practicing.

 A response was quickly met, an unlocking that even surprised the other three back, worried over what might be released in the instant. Lines began to glow in a fiery red, a whistle, the start of a song seem to be heard before it quickly disappeared with an acceptance. Ancient slabs moved for the first time in hundreds of years, grinding harshly until an opening was met, enough for the three to pass through, ready as all glows in the door hushed, waiting. The space between was dark, a void that made even Ivan fearsome in entering, the three staring for the longest while at Feliciano hoping he could take the first step, but he himself was petrified to the spot, like it was a looming monster ready to take him.

 Elizabeta, impatient, took a deep breath and was the first to move forward, extending her torch to give it the first glimpse of light in years. Nothing was shown but the height of the ceiling, no walls, only but old humid stone spiral stairs that continued downward, to a reach that not even the combination of the three torches was enough to clear.

 “Come along,” Ivan led. They were still confident of what was down there and were meaning to reach it.

 “Watch your step Feliciano,” Elizabeta warned lastly.

 Feliciano finally came in, the air heavy, dusty, ancient, the weight of all the years seeming to crash on him, it only made him more scared, and like a child he actually found himself holding to Elizabeta’s hand as they began their descend.

 As soon as they settled off, they didn’t distract themselves in any kind of stop, only staring back to Feliciano from time to time to make sure he was with them, that he was calm, still holding tightly to the queen. The deeper they went, the more the echoes of their steps resounded, somehow making this room larger, more intimidating, more mysterious and fearsome, hours seeming to pass of their continuous descend and nothing, nothing, nothing.

 Was there really something down here? Feliciano was beginning to question as they took more steps and yet nothing was shown, the same surroundings, the same sounds and growing darkness, until finally a wall seemed to be formed, introducing them into a spiral motion of the same. This meeting wall was of the same build of the stairs they had been walking on for minutes, just as humid, just as hard as Feliciano extended his hand to touch, somehow relieved to have something surrounding him instead of bleak darkness. Now it was dealing with this smaller spiral motion, dizzying and tumbling, Feliciano so disorientated that he let go of Elizabeta to stop and relieve himself, to breathe, to rub into his head, focusing his vision and headaches. As he extended his hand to hold himself to the wall to continue following the rest, he didn’t come into contact with hard rocky texture but the smoothness of old marble. His eyes followed and he saw a small image, one of a sculptured woman seeming to fly on some current, a hand extended as if she was holding a bow, her aim directed at the figure of a man falling under her defeat. For something so small it looked quite nice, in an old Heartian style, surely from the Grecian province, telling a sort of story no doubt.

 As he moved his hand about hoping there would be more, his hands met instead the starting of a wave of blue mosaics, growing, turning, spreading around the tunnel that they all began to enter. The light of the torches made it alight wonderfully, the large image of a city, at the bottom a union of all kinds of citizens, seeming to gaze forward to the spectator, all their chest alighted in one single light, connected to one figure shinning high above all, in her chest the biggest of those lights that she seemed to spread. Beautiful, Spadian, surely from the Indian province.

 As they moved around it, a particular star formation shinning right behind the figure caught Feliciano’s eye, recognizing it as the very one that had been designed in all the floors of the castle and palace throne rooms…it was the first time he saw that symbol outside of them.

 As they exited that design, they met with several others telling the same story, of the same woman reigning, offering this kind of light with the same stars in her background, decorated in different kinds of glass, crystals and stones. Feliciano saw it in the form of different cultures, like Arabic ones of the Diamond Kingdom, forms of the Oralee in the Spade Kingdom, jades of the Japanese province in Hearts and gems of the Austrian province in Clubs.

 Slowly it turned into paintings, this tunnel space beginning to elongate to showcase more and more and more, an array of stories, of scenes, of the same woman, in different forms, colors, shapes, made by different kinds of people, all of different provinces and kingdoms, but somehow Feliciano knew they were all drawing the same person…especially when she always held the same Heartian symbols, sometimes accompanied with a powerful and large St. Mark.

 The paintings showed activities such as her as a child, with a group of angels, of running in white fields of surely the past white kingdom, others she was with the presence of a man of darkness, ultimate distaste shown in her facial expression. There were ones of imperial power that made her stand largely, of offering a shine to crowds, of crowds offering to her, of immense power flowing from her, as if creating the winds, the seas, the stars or taking part in the actions of battles, of fierceness, in the feast of blood, of weapons, seeming directed at the same male.

 Along with the St. Mark, the same weapon was always in her hands…but was it a bow or even…a harp? Was she actually using a harp to reflect so much power? Feliciano questioned, truly enamored with the idea, remembering how he himself had made a harp bow when his power first got activated. Then there were the ones of her with a beloved, Feliciano knowing with so much dedication given to their gazes, a symbol of intensity always used, starts coating in their kiss, embraces in passion, a love true and intense, no other kind repeated in the images she appeared alongside three others and other two always coated in darks and whites.

 Feliciano was so distracted with the ceiling and the walls that he had almost stumbled with a statue, noticing then several others covering the floor they had reached. It was as the rest, of the woman in different poses, forms, materials, the same symbols of Hearts, but yet in styles of different kingdoms. There were small ones, large ones, fountains, even designs in small little rocks, all expanding until they reached an area of walls, of murals, of even buildings and temples. The same story was shown in their walls, in their gates, whatever space needed to tell its fullness. They grew larger and larger, points that Feliciano’s eyesight couldn’t reach, an array of colors and presence of kingdoms that lost Feliciano for a moment on the fact that they were still in Clubian ground. As he turned, as he looked away, as he let himself get lost in the maze, he distracted in the form of this woman with her harp bow and St. Mark, defending, a story that he was more than curious to know about the deeper he came, with what all the figures, people and angels she appeared with, in dances, in love, in friendship, in war, in peace. His back knocked against a wall in his leisure, a glow of colors meeting him, turning to see quite a temple, coated in all kinds of shinning rocks, in diamonds and gold and jades and emeralds, of course depicting scenes of the woman, yet there was something different…yet also familiar about this temple as he realized.  There was the typical image of her ruling, high above what seemed a representation of all four kingdoms, harp bow and St. Mark with her. As Feliciano spun around its radius, he met the same star formation, the reigning of a man in darkness, destroying, in his hand a light, then there was the image of another man, on his knees, offering, a sort of power reining from him and then lastly…a sudden image of a baby, shinning in a warm Italian village in Hearts…much like his own. Feliciano found himself looking closely towards it, the scene and all too familiar one.

 “That’s supposed to represent you,” Roderich suddenly interrupted, making Feliciano jump; he had almost forgotten he was with them.

 “Me-Me?” Feliciano still questioned, but as he gazed more strongly, he realized that the village presented…was actually Barga, his birthplace and where he grew up in. The baby didn’t hold any exact characteristics that reminded of himself, but the connection to his village and the more current Heart symbols made it more prominent…yet why? Why did he appear in this temple that was surely erected countless of decades before his birth?

 “What is this?” Feliciano questioned.

 “You went to Diamonds didn’t you?”

 “Yes?”

 “Did you hear about Hosni and Zubaida’s temple?”

 And that’s when it clicked, that’s when he remembered, the words of Haris from weeks ago, his story connecting and making him realize.

 “This is it!” He couldn’t believe.

 To most Diamond citizens it had been considered destroyed, lost, yet here it was, in perfect condition, as beautifully and filled in the enchanted rocks as they had told him. He was almost breathless as he touched, admiring, but with more weight, more question.

 “Do you know of the tapestries of Jerrod?”

 “Yes, lost, the creation of a Spadian queen,”

 “They’re all here,” and Roderich pointed to the immensity of tapestries showing the same stories, the star formation, the bow harp, the St. Mark, the baby he knew was himself, the image of destruction, of a man, of a woman reigning over all four kingdoms. Feliciano almost fainted as he stood closer, near to falling down to the floor to bow in respect to something so rare and worthy.

 “About the Lore Templar?”

 “It’s here?”

 Roderich pointed to a roundabout of pillars, each holding a different statue, all pointing and connected to a center of stars, which held a baby, this one with more form but looking nothing like Feliciano, who stumbled as he came into contact with it, widened and trembling.

 “The Verissimus chart?”

 “Oh gods…”

 “Here,” and Roderich pointed to the circular large shield hanging above them, this one a more precise descriptions of the stars, of dates, a calendar, constellations, at its side the symbols of the woman.

 “Roderich, we found it,” Ivan called from deep within the maze of relics, hidden well from them but luckily they could still see the glow of their torches.

 “We’re on our way,” Roderich called back, ushering Feliciano to join him.

 “Feliciano, we’re soon going to explain everything that is here, a story that has to do greatly with the past, but also with the coming future, but before any of that, we’re going to show you…a specific mural.” It was right into the next coming entrance, but they both suddenly faltered in going, surely nervous and trembling.

 After Elizabeta had taken her look, she moved back to join them, giving them an assuring smile. Before they came into the discovery, Roderich moved in front of Feliciano, taking his breathes before he continued.

 “This mural…was created by Pisa herself, which holds an exact image of this… woman,” Roderich looked around the room to assure Feliciano it was the woman that was well worshiped all throughout this cave.

 “It was made back when they could still share a plain, in honor of what…we shall explain soon enough,” was the last warning Roderich could give. He nodded to Elizabeta and she offered her arm for Feliciano to take. With barely any breathe, clearly shaking and fearing, Feliciano tried to swallow it all, trying to calm his air and body, Pookie nuzzled into his neck in assurance and Feliciano petted him, the act giving him some sort of bravery.

 Slowly and in hesitance, he took Elizabeta’s arm, who took her own breath before she led Feliciano forward, Ivan already standing before it giving enough light for Feliciano to admire, to truly see and analyze.

 It was tall, to compare to the majesty of the entrance to a palace, the art in it truly a masterpiece worthy of someone as god-like as Pisa. It was all marble, plain and white, but the figures represented there as clear as if they were actual giants standing before the four. As he explored, he noticed that a top chunk of it was not there. As he imagined what could be missing, he suddenly remembered the Luna Rani Academy…the empty case. Was this…was this…?

 The missing piece fitted perfectly, having cut the head of the person who took part in this small mentioning. It wasn’t a big part, but still, this is was it, this was the mural the university was looking for, gripping harder to Elizabeta as he realized.

 Deciding to continue the exploration of his gaze, he noticed that all the figures held a story in the bottom of their robes or above them in their items. They were of creation, of childhood and of rebellion, continuing in an order with each of the six people represented. One held the symbol of the White Kingdom, one the Black Kingdom, one the Club Kingdom, one the Spade Kingdom, another the Diamond Kingdom and finishing in the center with a woman who held the Heart Kingdom. When Feliciano’s eyes fell on her, he instantly gasped, he brought a hand to his chest, his heart beating so fast it verged on exploding out to join with the surprise and bewilderment.

 The curls, the facial features, the same glow that was in his golden eyes, even her stance and how her long hair fell…an uncanny resemblance to those of his family, more so than any paintings of Romulus.

 His grandfather had something from her, his brother, his aunts, his uncles, his cousins, especially his mother, especially…himself.

 The mural made it obvious that this woman was a Vargas.

 “Wha-what-what-wha-what…what?” Feliciano’s breaths continued in an unease, heavier, making him even dizzy, thanking the fact that he held to Elizabeta to not completely loose himself.

 She took it upon herself to officially tell him.

 “This woman is your great grandmother, Feliciano. Augusta, the Ace of Hearts.”

#Feliciano and the King of Hearts #f&tkoh #gerita #gerita fanfiction #gerita fanfic #gerita fic