#I genuinely hate my body and brain

[kimbearablykute]

My doc prescribed me a new hrt yesterday to see if it would help my insomnia. I think it made my insomnia worse. My body is so tired but my mind has never been more wide awake in my life.

#medically complex #menopause #neurospicy #I genuinely hate my body and brain #who will save me from this body of death?

[icewindandboringhorror]

sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:

thing that I already do

thing I have tried 10 times

thing I already do

thing that I don't have the money to do

thing I already do

thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail

thing that is impossible given my situation

thing that doesn't apply to me

thing that I already do

thing I have already tried

hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently

thing I have already done

#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things #out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever #all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever #or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc. #especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple #and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already #done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and #all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you. #who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3 #my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster #talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo #I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache #or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop #e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all #sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef #t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of #way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I #think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i #gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!' #like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant #mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain #or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right #now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like #most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once #that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY #Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth

[official-lauchzwiebel]

.

#finally wrote the doctor and asked for an appointment! yippie! #because genuinely. this is getting way too annoying #and i am so so kaputt #i hate the shame about bodies and bodily functions that's ingrained in our brains because bro!!! it's your body and its functions! #it's normal and nothing to be ashamed of!! #that being said it took me nearly a week to work up the courage lol #and i also thought that it might go away #in any case the first step is done #sigh #f talks #just realized the grammar is nor grammaring in my first tag #anyway that's how you recognise a german

[akkivee]

i feel very seen as someone who draws buff kuukou lmao

#this is vee speaking #the arb chronicles #i also feel very insane looking at this but that’s just the usual vee perogative at play lol #kuukou seems to get put into loose fit clothing but one day the official artists will wake up and draw the snatched waist i know he has LOL #it’s actually funny i’ve been wanting to compare waistlines between bat because it genuinely looks like kuukou’s bigger than hitoya lmao #whereas what i visualise while drawing them is that hitoya is bigger on principle of being both a bigger man and a stocky body type #and kuukou has an hourglass figure lmao #jyushi’s upside down triangle to me lol and once his body starts developing muscle it’ll be more apparent and less twig lol #but anyway lol the chuuoku women have rightfully claimed my brain but i really like the event!!!!!!!! kuukou’s outfit notwithstanding lol #like kuukou invited himself to stay at the dohifu abode for a month lmao!!!!!! hifumi taught kuukou how to pose and walk the catwalk!!!!!!! #in an odd tabled the turns hifumi was the one apologising for someone else’s behaviour lmao!!!!!!! #i finally got the saburo kuukou interaction of my dreams!!!!! saburo the prickly kid and kuukou the one who ignores that shit lol!!!! #the way kuukou could tell saburo has performance anxiety issues and talked him thru it #while also addressing saburo hiding himself behind ichiro’s name and telling him to be proud of who saburo is I AM— I CANNOT— HELP ME— #saburo: i literally don’t want to hear something like that from you!!!!!! 🤢 #kuukou: lol a prickly bastard til the end huh? well i don’t hate that kinda stubbornness 😈 #saburo is now bad ass temple’s baby brother i’m sorry i don’t make the rules #AND LOL after some terrorists crashed the show and ran off before anyone could fight anybody since they got scared seeing bat bb mtr #kuukou invited everyone to a meal at a temple on hitoya’s dime LMAO #hitoya: WHAT??? jakurai: thank you for treating us hitoya 🤗 hitoya: NO YOURE HELPING ME PAY 💢 #c: kuukou👑

[waitinginthecorner]

I say this a lot but I rly want to start taking my self improvement seriously. I can't tell if I just don't like the person I am rn or if i don't like the way other people are treating me. I'm p sure it's both but I at least want to remove one of those variables to make sure lol. It's gonna take a Lot of Work but I mean I don't rly have any other options

#rambling #i hate myself more than i ever thought possible in my wildest dreams as a teen #its like. i genuinely dont know who i am. like i obviously do but i feel like a stranger #i feel like i am Me the me ive always been but also like theres some stranger who is also me inside of my body #it feels like what i imagine having a brain parasite would kinda. like not necessarily painful but involuntary self destruction #kinda like a cordyceps

[intertexts]

so far 24 has been my year of god giving me fucked up problems out of nowhere. lol

#beginning of the year it was that like month long full body muscle pain. #after that it was my fucking shoulder. now its this fucking headache that's creeping me out bc i never get ones #like this & i have no clue what its from!!!! & its been like three days!!! genuinely my brain has #half been pd & half holy shit what if i have cancer. no you don't have cancer roswell its an environment thing. yeah but what if i did! no. #yeah! no. yeah!!! for the past while & it sucks SO FUCKING BAD i hate it!!!!!!!!. #ok complaining over nowww sorryyy. #txt #neg

[bendyy-blog]

Oh boy I sure love lookin through my own tag on tumblr dot com !!!

(Immediately dies from my digestive system killing itself inside of me)

#i still. have stress responses #to the batdr guys #WHEN I DONT EVEN GET EMOTIONAL STRESS FROM EM ANYMORE #AND THEN ALSO #A CERTAIN AU WITH ITS TERRORS TIED #MAKES MY BODY DO THE SAME ? #I MEAN I GOT GLITCHES OF THE GUY BUT I AINT TRAUMATISED JESUS FUCKIN CHRIST #I HATE THE HUMAN BODY GET ME OUTE.. !!!!!!!! #vent #i guessssss its a vent at least #fuck man my brain sucks #also shadow my buddy my pal my mutual you do not stress me by being the guy befriending you genuinely helped me pffh #if you read this of course

[widevibratobitch]

aaaaand there she is. better late than never huh love being woken up at 6 am by period cramps <33333

#kms how come every month i am still able to be genuinely surprised at just how much this shit FUCKING HURTS #the only good thing about this situation was how my mind decided to morph it into a terror dream :))))))))))) #for just one moment - it was ME puking and shitting myself to death in an arctic wasteland instead of fitzjimmy <3333 #gotta love my brain 🫠 babygirl keeps me entertained and 'im just like him for real'ed through literal fucking torture #that my body chooses to inflict on me #i hate it here

[daz4i]

apologies for being edgy on main and sounding like a broken record yet again but my god. i was not built for life

#the littlest things make me crumble 👍 i can't do basic functioning shit my body needs to survive 👍 #i am always in some form of pain somewhere 👍 my brain is actively getting worse every day 👍 #ik i committed for a thing in march but what if. i kms instead 🥺 #bc truly genuinely idk how i'm supposed to make it until thennnnnnn #everything sucks i hate being alive nothing is good everything is a chore yada yada yada i said it a million times already. #vent #negative // #suicide // #was reading abt fall fatality rate. interesting stuff. apparently 9th floor is most likely enough to kill you. hm!

[charliesinfern0]

I’m experiencing symptoms

#oh god this is actually messing me up #and like it’s like I’m experiencing both depression and mania at the same time it freaking me out #or like I went from one to the other super fucking fast #like I’m feeling like I hate myself. which isn’t new but it’s like. I know I don’t really. so why do I feel like I do #and like im thinking it’s because of the fact that im upset about my body pillow getting damaged #but like I know I shouldn’t be upset about it bc like there is an easy fix to it #but like im super fucking sad about it. like genuinely I feel it in my veins and heart and brain it’s making me dizzy #and like I know these feelings are heightened bc it’s like 2 am #but man I was feeling like this almost all day! #and like i feel like im to self aware about my emotions #like I think that if I know why im feeling some way and know that I’ll feel better later then I shouldn’t be feeling it at all #like I feel stupid for feeling that way #I feel stupid for being so upset over a body pillow! #but l think there’s probably more to it #I feel like I need a diagnosis but also I don’t want to get one bc I’m scared #so I’ll just never get the support I need and I’ll sit here forever #shit man I’m not feeling good #im going to bed

[wriochilde]

the idea of me taking medicine to help with pain is so scary to me and i dont know why

#ive never willingly took advil or tylenol or anything before. maybe thats why #i think its because as a kid that was just never an option for me? as far as my parents were concerned my body pain was too mild #they brushed it off enough for me to genuinely believe that what i was feeling was normal and now here i am! #everytime i sit down and ask myself why i dont just take medicine the only answer i get from my brain is #'what if i get in trouble?' what would i get in trouble for. what #anyways my limbs havent been aching as often anymore but my shoulder cant really move the way it could before december #i hate going to the doctors because they brush everything off as it being a weight problem. my shoulder fucking popped bro #finn.txt

[oatbugs]

i feel rly irredeemably horrible rn...longing for emotional support....anyway vent in tags

#physically i feel so ill etc . and i have to catch up on so much #and i just got a grade back for an assignment and it wasnt a 1st and literally almost . cried bc #it rly was supposed 2 be. i dont have my housing sorted out for next yr and i am rly worried #i look hideous rn bc my face is rly swollen and it was a fat transfer so u dont get to see results for like #6 months but mostly the swelling should settle in like a month but that means i will just look #kind of monsterous for a while. i cant do archery anymore bc it involves heavy weights ig which im supposed to not do #and its like as soon as i find smth i like it is taken away...i feel . like shit. etc. and according to the clinic it is Not Normal to be #so weak. have to get lasik in a few days while still recovering from transfer + nose surgery so i literally #feel like my body is going to give out but also idk if i will find time to catch up on stuff etc i feel likr my brain is rotting #i basically have no support system rn except my gf bc my friends are all so busy w their own stuff #which is also v bad. like i cannot rely on her as my sole source of emotional support #feels like academics etc have taken a backseat this yr so far and that is Horrible like i need that to not be the case #but im too nauseous and weak etc to sit up for prolonged periods of time taking notes #taking 7 antibiotics a day etc..idk . i have to travel 6hrs #tmrw then have lasik on monday then travel back 6hrs the same afternoon or tuesday morning #like i legit already feel like my body is giving out idk how i will do this. and i feel so incredibly alone throughout #all of this . idk. #genuinely i am turning into a black hole and if things get bad again i will lose it . i hate this feeling i hate the #marked loneliness that comes b4 things spiral downwards and this feels like it #that was a lot ✌️ anyway if any1 has any advice or words to share or anytjing to say ever pls do #i need human interaction soooo badly #personal

[m0e-ru]

annual realization where this gas station’s operations and my life owe it all to visualive i’m serious

#kommento #// thinking if i should put all my thoughts in the body of the post instead of tags like these but oh well it’s a quirk of mine #// friendship is so important to me cca is so important to me that one skit with that mention of cca is SO IMPORTANT TO ME friendship is so #// without vl i would have never think of adachi as affectionately as i do right now like no dojima hangout times are going to save me in #// any alternate timeline there’s no going back #// i would still love mimi yes but just in a different flavor #// i really don’t how how to describe that fork in the road but yeah i just /waves hands around/ #// unlike most adachinators i develop adachis super weak and sad sympathy and basic morality with a gas station attendant instead #// of detective yaoi and family fun times #// you thinking adachi would win the idgaf war but those two skits in vl blow that all out of the water #// i mean there’s the rest of the game but like i commit favoritism crimes okay #// LITERALLY JUST TOSS HIS SOCIAL LINK AWAY for a second think about what adachi is think about him in the ps2 context #// LITERALLY JUST READ THE MANGA PLEASE i’ve had my theories tested and confirmed on how much you can care about tohruadachi #// at the bare minimum information you have on him and experiencing him as organically as possible IN THE ORIGINAL NON GOLDEN CONTEXT #// you could even go through the drama cds and see how genuine of an adachi he is like seriously forget the golden era and fanservice #// get bancho out of the equation and think about who is right now at that moment #// okay i’m tired now i’ll stop here but i wish people could just enjoy adachi more without the sentiment hes a fuckable antagonist #// dont romanticize his emptiness and hate for the world Like That but rather as human as he already is before you learn he’s a pawn for god #// adachis a special character to me genuinely i wish i could talk about him more often if i didn’t have chronic Not Like Other Girls diseas #// such a fun brain excercise sometimes just wish that i wasn’t poisoned by fandom and that fact they gave him a rep like this that makes me #// so embarrassed or even ashamed to say his name out loud and admit i like him #// LIKE close your eyes and forget hes the villain and he’s the murderer just look at him and think how and why he’s a fucked up guy underne #// underneath the goofball facade he pulls. now think and wonder how much of a genuine goofball he is #// it’s like thinking about ichinose except everyone else is a mysoginist that’s why they take don’t take her seriously #// okay adachi tag most used tag blogger is signing out goodnight guys mwa

[starkeysprincess]

don’t you just love when you start feeling anxious outta nowhere and for no reason cause me fucking too 🙃

I haven’t had anxiety attacks in so long until recently I fucking hate this

#shania’s diary #genuinely don’t know why #but I do know I hate my mf body & brain rn #there is NO REASON for my ass to feel overwhelmed

[not-actually-human]

god i hate high school

#im thinking of not taking the ap classes i was going to next year #because my mental health has been in decline the last year or two and i really need a break from advanced classes #and time to heal my brain #but also. i dont know if this is just a lack of motivation and energy because of my depression or if i genuinely dont want to do it #and im also thinking of quitting ballet but im hesitant for the same reasons #god i just hate everything right now #and i have until the end of the week to decide about the ap classes #i just dont want to make myself miserable next year like i did last year and this year #especially since next year i have a lot of important tests (sat and act) #i just need to like. give myself a break and some easy classes so i have a year to heal my mind and body from the stress and pain #jfc im sorry this was such a rant #atlas screams into the abyss

[bitseventimes]

oof it's loathe myself hours I'm venting in the tags sorry

#i fucking hate my body i hate how it looks and how it works #i hate that I'm human and i need to take care of myself and that i have to do it properly and i have bodily functions #and i hate that I can't control them i hate my clothes and my hair and my belongings #i HATE that I can't control my rage or my sadness or my patient #I'm so fucking upset that i try to be polite and normal and my brain and body betray me with a snarky tone or insane reactions #i hate that I'm a limbo of a person I'm inbetween jobs and friends and living situation and style and life #big hater right now #I'm genuinely very upset I'm sick with myself and I don't know how to fix it #just in case anyone's read to the end of this. sorry. I'm safe from harm and all I'm just really repressed or smth