#I forgot today was the day until I saw a FB post

[youremyonlyhope]

Starship Rewatch

10 years ago today (well, yesterday since I’m posting it a day later), 15 year old Hope curled up on her couch to watch a new StarKid show called Starship right as it dropped. This was the first time I got to watch a show when it was posted since I didn’t become a StarKid fan until a months earlier. I was so excited.

And now, I’m rewatching Starship for the first time in full in at least 5 years I think. I listened to the soundtrack twice earlier today, singing along at my desk at work (thank god no one else was here tonight to judge me). I still know so many of the lyrics. And so many little jokes and stuff were flooding back. Starship was my favorite StarKid show for a long time, so I’m so excited to watch this again to see if it’s still my fave.

This post ended up being really long, so you’ve been warned. But it also includes pictures of the crocheted Roach and Bugette plushies that I made as a teen.

OH. THE OLD LOGO. AHHH. I already have so many feels. The future is now! I can’t handle this. The nostalgia! The Galactic League of Extraterrestrial Exploration. My facebook account to this day says I am a Starship Ranger at the G.L.E.E. because I’ve never bothered to change it. Also, shoutout to anyone from the StarKidPotter FB and EFST days if you’re reading this. AHHH IT’S CHRIS AND ERIC. Ok I might have to pause 20 thousand times during this Starship Ranger ad to acknowledge all the StarKid cameos. Tyler! “We come to conquer... in peace!” Tyler I love you. Brian and Richard! I forgot they painted Richard BLUE. Britney and Ariel! Nicholas Joseph Stauss-Matathia! I see that StarKid’s website has shortened his name to just Nicholas Strauss but remember the days when we’d purposefully say his full name? Anyway, I literally just screamed “NICK” when I saw him because he was always one of my faves. The Old Snatch was and still is iconic. Devin and Lily! The Wizard God himself, AJ Holmes. God... remember those AJ Holmes appreciation days where we’d make Chuck Norris-like memes about AJ? So much is rushing back from the depths of my mind oh my god... It’s been so long yet it feels like yesterday... “Someone really *static* F- *static* -ucked up big time” Love it.

2 minutes and 22 seconds in. I’ve written so much. I had to pause before Joey started singing to take a moment. I love this show so much. I love these goofballs so much. And they’re all so young. Most of them are younger than I am now. This is insane.

Ok I have to promise myself not to pause as much now. *Spoiler, I failed*

“I’ll fight off this gamma radiation if it’s the last thing I ever do!... We’re going down! This is the last thing I’ll ever do!” Oh my god. Look at baby Joey. He hasn’t even graduated from college yet. And that Bug puppet! Someone remind me to dig up the pictures of my crocheted plushies of Starship puppets since I made Roach and Bugette and gave them to the StarKids at SPACE and Apocalyptour. (I also did Rumbleroar, but the bugs were my own pattern I made so I was more proud) The camera is focused in on Bug instead of Joey’s face. I love it. So much. Brannnttttttt. My god. Am I gonna freak out over every single entrance? Roach pretending to die, he’s the best friend ever. “The needs of the many bugs outweigh the needs of the few bugs.” “Or the one bug, I know.” Oh man, when that line comes back... “Dirt eater” “Exoskeleton polisher” “I wanna build honeycombs” “The bug that ruins your picnic” “A fly on the wall!” That line came back to me earlier today and I died. Remembering that line was like 50% of the reason I listened to the soundtrack today.

Nick Lang! Julia! LAUREN LOPEZ. THERE SHE IS. Lovebugs, I can’t. *Sentimental music* “You could come over to my nest and I could... tear off your head and let my larva devour your body?” How did I forget that line? The way Lauren has to kick Bugette’s larva sack to walk. But the way that it also works so well with the character. I can’t. The Mosquito Brothers!! I forgot they show up so early. “This is our sister, Sweetheart” “...YO.” I CANNOT HANDLE JIM POVOLO. The “zzzz”s like buzzing as backing vocals instead of the usual “ahs” and “oohs.” The things you don’t appreciate until years later. Darren, you genius. That is such a good detail. For a second I couldn’t remember who the Overqueen is played by. 99% sure it’s Jim (It is). Also. Overqueen like ovary... and it looks like a giant vagina. That had to be pointed out to me later. “FLATTERY WILL GET YOU... everywhere.” Why did I forget that line too? “I’m a starship ranger” “Quiet you, you’re drunk” “No I’m drunk!” I remembered that line probably like... 2 minutes earlier when I noticed Joe huddling in the background and realized that line was coming up. The way Joey lets go of the puppet so both he and the puppet walk away with their arms limp... so cute.

Before even pressing play on part 3, I can hear February saying “Let the record show I am super ahead of schedule.” and I’m dying. I forgot about Brian as the escape pod. Denise Donovan! That Star Trek prop. I’m dumb so I can’t remember if it’s a communicator or what. But I know my Uhura Barbie had a mini one that I lost within a month probably. “OxyGen” “Schience” I can’t. “Mission Log... I think I just heard a spooky noise.” How am I forgetting all of these amazing lines? “Pika-pi!” AHHH I JUST SCREAMED. “My stars, I seemed to have landed in a field of these aMiNals!” I can’t. “Can I tell you guys something?” *port de bras and falls gently to the ground* “Hello!” “TOTORO!” I’m dead. The balloon mechanism on the mosquitos! I forgot about that! “HOLY SHIT IT’S A BUUUUGGGGG” Ok something I noticed but didn’t mention earlier. The bug puppet that Joe uses when he says “I had my heart set on nourishment” is the same one red and pink one that Julia used when talking about wanting to be nourishment. When Julia actually gets eaten, she’s using a different bug puppet, the green and pink one, but the same character voice. So, I can’t tell if they intentionally had her play 2 bugs so Joe could be one of them later, or if it was a mistake. I might also just be overthinking things. “ME THINKS IT WENT THAT-A-WAY” I cannot handle Jim Povolo. That scream Joe does as he slimes her. Woah I originally wrote “There seems to be no signs of intelligent lifeforms anywhere” earlier and then deleted it since I don’t know why I found it remarkable. And then looking at the comments of this part I see someone mentioned a Toy Story reference. So that’s why that line stuck out to me. Aww StarKid. There are so many Disney references in this show.

THERE SHE IS. THERE’S MY GIRL TAZ. The pew pew effects how could I forget that!  “Hey Taz. You’re pretty tough for a chick.” “I was just going to say the same thing about you.” “Woahhhhhhhh” JoMo oh my god. “My spectrometer readings are off the wazooooooo” That line kills me. Why am I JUST NOW noticing, 10 years later, that Tootsie enters this scene with his gun facing the wrong way. Oh my god. “I saw the empirical proof that science killed god. It’s comforting to know he was once alive though. I like to think that when he died, he went to heaven.” Oh Tootsie Noodles. “...What the hell kind of name is that?” “He’s got bear hands??” Why do I forget all of these lines??!? That record scratch and freeze frame to go “BOOOOOO” oh my god I forgot that. “Like the other day, he was in the cafeteria, just cah-rying in front of everybody.” BOOOOOOO. Here we go, Taz’s amazing Up monologue. “And when Up, cuts an onion, the ONION is the one who cry.” HELP. Also 99% sure I used that joke for AJ appreciation at least one year. “Now take a walk off my knife” What a line. So awesome. I remember having a profile pic on FB that was the text of that monologue and the image of Lauren screaming “WALK IT OFF” I’m still convinced that first “WOO” from the audience that we hear when Up enters is Darren. “I do not peepee sitting down” “Huh??” JoMo’s face as if he’s trying his hardest not to laugh and I can’t tell if that’s him breaking character or if Krayonder is actually trying not to laugh. “I peepee like big boy, deadgoddamnit. So stop making fun of me because it hurts my feelings” I’m dying. Also, deadgoddamnit is amazing. “if you don’t go out there and die for something, then I will kill you for nothing.” I remembered the mirror scene, just seconds before it started and already started laughing. “You’re not a failure, overall.” “Allow me to introduce you to the final member of your team. MegaGirl!” I forgot how DRAMATIC that was. I also forgot that’s how MegaGirl comes into the story.

I need to stop pausing every 5 seconds oh my god I’ll never finish this tonight if I don’t.

“All hail AstroBoy” That was the funniest line. “MegaGirl, can you kill humans?” “No. But I’d like to.” I can’t handle it. “A horse ate my cousin! Me and horses got a feud.” #1 MegaGirl doing the “I’m watching you” hand sign. I can’t. “Hey. Miráme. *Slaps* NOW ESCHUCHAME” amazing. “Or that time. You taught me calculus... CALCULUS WAS TOUGH.” I never went past pre-calc. Nope. Ah. Get Back Up. One of my fave songs. “And now we dance.” Dylan’s “OW” as they lean back. “Ok Idiotas. Say something nice. Or I will kill you.” It’s all so iconic.

“So you still think being an egg planter is lame?” “...Yes.”  The larva oh my god. I forgot we see one before the end. That’s Jaime playing the larva I think. Life is definitely one of my all-time favorite StarKid songs to this day. I wish it was longer. I love it so much. And I love that its instrumental is scattered as a motif throughout the show. “It’s a short, small thing we lead. With so much potential, pointless or essential, which one can I be?” Wow. Near Pippin levels of giving me an existential crisis. Also wow Joey improved his singing so much between AVPS and Starship. “My name’s Bug” “*Gasp!* Like a bug??” “Uh... no.” “Good. I’m February, like the month, but a person.” I should start saying that honestly. “I’m Hope, like the concept, but a person.” “You boldly go where every man -hey- woman -bark woof- or data dog has ever gone before! Sorry K9DX” Adorable. Joey’s subtle little double nod he makes the Bug puppet do when he’s shocked she thinks he’s a Starship Ranger. Amazing. Ah he said goddamn not deadgoddamn! February should have known right then he wasn’t human! “Take my claw” that too. "The only thing that needs to rest are your jokes, because they are so tired.” “Woahhhhhh” No but like... why don’t I use that line in everyday life... “Now I am slightly less weak.” “Ok. I’m going to shoot this metal bitch!” I’m dying. How did I forget the Taz/MegaGirl rivalry?? “That thing is a R-O-B-O-T man” “Can’t fool me with numbers, Krayonder.” I’m dead. “The stack of hay was my cousin!” #2 The way Meredith says “barometric pressure” is great. And Tootsie saying “Well you must take real good care of it, because I never would have guessed.” He’s such a sweetheart. “Nobody shoot dammit, nobody shoot.” “KILL KILL KILL” I never really liked Hideous Creatures but it’s so cute to see MegaGirl do the choreo robotically. I love that the Gap hasn’t changed. “Cool it skank, you do not know me.” Another line that I forgot until a split second before it was said. I’m so glad whoever edited this added some pews going in the wrong way for Tootsie’s gun. I know I definitely noticed Tootsie’s gun was backwards during this part, but I don’t know if I noticed it was backwards in that very first scene too. I forgot about MegaGirl tossing out Specs. That “MEGAGIRL!!!” scream from Joe though.

“Never in my 6 long days of life.” Underappreciated joke. Also, I think this is the 4th unique upright bug puppet. We got red/pink, green/blue, green/pink, and now red/blue. Also, Nick Lang is a great puppeteer. “Yes, I helped her escape. But I swear, never in a million years, did I think I’d be caught and yelled at for it!”  Oh I forgot Bugette is the witness. Jaime’s angry face behind Joey is killing me. “He didn’t know the humans were evil.” “Oh, they’re not.” “Shut up!” Humoons and hoomans. “And no more singing or dancing” *gasps of horror* “The Overqueen has overspoken.” “Well, that’s not gonna help your chances with Bugette” Oh Roach. “PERHAPS.” Jim destroys me.

God the 4-person Pincer puppet. Amazing. Dylan’s arms being strong enough to be above his head for 10 minutes straight. Amazing. Also, Nick Lang is so emotive as a claw. It took me a sec but yeah JoMo is the tail. “There were? Where are they?” Joey’s face. “Tell me all about her” The claws under the chin I can’t. Hey StarKid, I see you throwing in an ad mid-video before Kick It Up a Notch. You’re lucky I love and support you guys. “Put ‘em together and what have you got?” bibbity boppity boo. More Disney references! This scene is full of them. Man, remember when we were all blown away by Dylan’s voice in this song the first time? Like we could tell he could sing in AVPM/S, but his songs were just so jokey and only his long “Welcooooooooooome” showed us his talent. But then Kick It Up a Notch happened. And we FINALLY appreciated Dylan’s beautiful voice. “I pushed it to the limit.” and “To coin a phrase, be a man.” more Disney. I might be overthinking this and will have to rewatch Life to confirm, but I think the camera zooming out as Pincer reprises Life is just like the camerawork when Bug sang it originally. If so, then wow even when filming their shows StarKid really thinks it all through. (Update: It totally is referencing the original zooms for Life and that’s amazing. Except it’s zooming out instead of in. I LOVE the attention to detail even in filming the show. I’m gonna guess that’s Liam’s doing.) All I can see when I hear Bug’s chorus of this song is Jaime and her SPACE tour dancing, which they incorporated in Apocalyptour as actual choreography. Because they’re goofballs. The kick line. Love it. God. Even though it’s not my favorite song from Starship (just because I love Life and Beauty more), Kick It Up A Notch is one of the best StarKid has ever done. I really has everything. Dylan’s gorgeous voice. Not one but two reprises of earlier songs to throw Bug’s own words back at him. Jim’s bass line. Awesome puppets. Disney references. It’s so amazing. I love how all the comments are either about Dylan’s voice or Dylan’s ability to hold his arms up for a 10+ minute scene or both.

"Gameover man, gameover!” “I feel like cutting open your belly, and filling it with jelly” *Gasps* Oh my god, I put on the captions for a second, and  the caption said *Sad spayed puppy noises* “I am in charge of this mission now.” How did I forget about the mustache until 2 seconds before it happened? “She’s got the mustache now. *Kisses head* I love you” Oh my god Tootsie. I FORGOT ABOUT THE SECOND STACHE. There’s an ad right when we see Bug’s human form and I can’t even care because look at him! Ahhh. And the blue headband! Ahhhhh. Joey you’re so adorableeeee. “Bug? Well that’s a fine name.” His concerned face then the relief. Adorable. “Thank you sir. I am a tough bitch.” “Getting nothing but bug muff?!?” I love the slight delay the audience has before laughing as they realize what was just said. “Bug. You hard, ese. You flame.” I die. “Up there. In Space!” *dramatic pointing* No I totally didn’t just do the dramatic pointing with them... no that’s not in my muscle memory from 10 years ago... why would you think that. I’ll rave about Status Quo after it’s done. “But, what if I miss you?” Awwwwwwwww. And that “Just look up.” screenshot was used for “This.” memes in the fandom for years.

Oh Joey. Status Quo is such a good song too. And he really did improve as a singer to sing it. Earlier this week I remembered that this week is also the 10th anniversary of that time Darren was hopping from city to city every single day to promote the Warblers album. And at one point in that week he did a livestream that I remember rushing home to watch. In that livestream, I am 99% sure he sang Status Quo as a little sneak preview for Starship being released later that week. (Just checked, yep he sang it in a livestream on April 20 2011) God I love this song. Then the version the boys all sang for SPACE Tour was beyond beautiful too. Ahhh I love this musical.

Ok. It’s almost midnight. I started this 3 hours ago. I’m probably not finishing the show until 2am at the rate that I’m pausing and stopping to comment. But OH WELL.

“Dr. Spaceclaw” wow. “Leaving them behind was of little consequence, but a pleasure.” Oh Megagirl. “You did a very good job today too, son.” “*Gasp* Thanks dad.” That Star Wars fake-out though. Speaking of Star Wars, I really need to rewatch Ani now that I’m actively a Star Wars fan unlike last time when I still wasn’t invested in the movies I just watched them. How did I forget about Jaime playing Junior’s new mom?? ...Does Junior get an alien incubating in his chest... is that foreshadowing... I can’t remember. (This was like... half a foreshadow) This scene is funnier now that Breredith is married. The way Junior says “Phew” I’m dead. I remembered how they restrain MegaGirl once again 2 seconds before it happened oh my god. “We deserve bubbles on our skin.” An iconic line. “Well thank the long dead god you made it, Bug!”  The crunching of the handshake, I can’t. Oh someone in the comments pointed out that Bug and February are doing the Tarzan hand thing while Up’s asking Taz to see a movie. Adorable.

Get yourself a man like Tootsie who won’t stand for you talking down about yourself. “Maybe this was all part of God’s plan. He made before he died.” I love the dead god jokes. I remember years ago some kid on facebook was like “The dead god jokes are offensive” and I was like “It’s a sci-fi musical about a bug in a human body but sure worry about god being dead.” but probably in an even more immature answer. I’m just mesmerized by Tootsie and MegaGirl’s verses. God. The first Dylan and Meredith duet. Amazing. And MegaGirl’s confused face is great. “Don’t press that button, or we’ll all be sucked into space.” So... Can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? Oh shoot... ok wait no I’ll comment on that when we get there. God that is such a cute love song. I wrote barely anything just because I love that song so much. Would love to know where Tootsie’s taking her though.

Oh my god this scene! I forgot about this. How could I forget this. “Well the world always looks a little bit brighter, from on top of a lap.” I had remembered Bug sitting on Up’s lap, but not Specs. This is the part I forgot. Adorable. Ahhhh so cute. The Specs/Krayonder relationship was apparently cut from the filmed version, but was present if you saw it live. These moments are adorable. And I love how this is the second person JoMo’s had to carry in this show since he also carried Denise earlier. “Why if it isn’t Bug, my oldest friend.” and “Don’t say that, my dear.” are adorable. Oh wait. Up sat on Bug’s lap. Not the other way around. Ok. I didn’t remember this scene as well as I thought I did. I’m dying. I didn’t want to write anything during this, but oh my god “That son of a bitch Optimus Prime” I forgot that. I love the audience’s reaction to “The entire right side of my body, it’s a robot” because they all gasp, and then laugh at themselves for gasping. I knew there was something he couldn’t do without crying. I didn’t remember it being “Sir I Wanna Buy These Shoes” Christmas Song. It’s ok Up, I haven’t listened to that song in full in years. I can’t handle it. But Christmas songs in general make me cry too. Oh Up said goddamn instead of deadgoddamn too. Hmm... Aww the mother spider story. “I think the old you was just killing out of hate.” “Oh I was.” I’m dying. Awwww the nose kiss. I definitely remembered that. “Deadgodspeed soldier!” The way Joey misses catching the keys and also Darren’s “Woo!” in the audience again. So great. That 12 minute scene is just adorable and the Up story is so dramatic and hilarious.

Hmm finishing before 2am might be ambitious... “Hahaha. Then I’ll shoot him!” “Taking care of my business down on the planet is that cool with you?” Brian’s delivery of that line has always intrigued me. “How much I care about my MegaGirl unit’s survival is also a percent equivalent to zero” Rude. “You are nothing like my boyfriend, Tootsie Noodles.” “Yes, well - wait WHAAA” This scene is so different now that they’re married. “Ha. Ha. It was cute.” “You’re... a toaster.” *Slaps* Ok 1) I used to use that insult all the time and only half ironically. I was a strange teenager. 2) She just hurt a human... isn’t that against programming, or can she just not kill humans? Evil angry Brolden is something we need more of. I love Brian as a villain. More please. “You stupid goddamn robot” So I guess they say goddamn and deadgoddamnit. I’m overthinking the evolution of language in this universe. Also Brian’s screams while being choked are amazing. I’ve never forgotten those, if anything they’re better now.

AHHHH I REFRESHED AND DELETED ALL OF MY STUFF FOR BEAUTY. Kill me. I’m so mad. Let me try to recreate it but I hate myself. I was saving this draft after every part but OF COURSE I don’t save after my favorite song and then refresh.

Oh poor Meredith. Her white wig doesn’t let her blend in as much when she’s in the hoodies playing a bug. “Oh hey Bugette, we’re just trying to get Bug laid!” That bug had to know about Bugette’s crush though? That’s just cruel. “The ending is killer” ruuuuuuddddddddddeee. I know I had at least one more point, but that’s lost to the ether. Beauty is probably my fave, if not tied with Life. When I was listening to it earlier, I was overcome with emotion because it’s just such a joyful song. These days I cry over happy stuff almost as much as I cry over the sad. And these lines just hit so hard... I love it. I love this song so much and this scene so much. “Bug. She excreted her filth for you. WE DID IT!!!!!!!!” Brant Cox is so good. It really is a shame he’s not in anything else besides AVPSY and the 10th Anniversary with everyone else. “I do accept you for who you really are. A genius.” Well February, you’ll be glad to know that you thought of that, so you’re the genius. Wow. Junior’s 25, Brian was 25, and now I’m 25. This really was perfect timing for the 10th anniversary. Also I do not feel 25. “Suck off!” amazing.

I’M SAVING THIS TIME.

Ok next part. Luckily I was only 1 minute into the next part when I refreshed. Still so mad at myself... “Someone really firetrucked up big time” (Dead)God I love that line. I also used firetruck unironically. Once again, I was a strange teenager and I didn’t like cursing and I still don’t. “This is so weird, I’m so used to the scrambly version.” (It was while writing this line the first time that I refreshed and lost Beauty....) Ok as I watch AJ, it’s hitting me that he almost definitely came to the set during rehearsals and filmed his part since it’s not a green screen like the rest of them. “The hunters have become the hunted, and it’s wabbit season.” “That was a good video, until the end when it got sad.” Thanks Bug. “I think, I just had a think” See February’s smart. “I’m in a weird situation” Love that line. “Bug is a BUG!? I DON’T BELIEVE IT” Oh Junior. Dylan’s insulted face at “I am not... a dumbass.”  So I can’t tell if Brian forgets he’s trapped when he moves his arms into a more relaxed position to lean on the column and then puts them back, or if it’s purposefully staged that way. Brian’s acting while he pretends to be shy and embarrassed about his evil plan is amazing and adorable. Brian has a good evil laugh, why don’t we get him as a villain more often? Also I was gonna make some sort of joke about Nick as Pincer’s left claw vs. Robert as Snarl’s left paw, but I’ll leave it be.

I FORGOT ABOUT THAT WEIGHT TAZ WAS LIFTING JUST FLOATING UP TO THE SKY WHEN SHE LETS GO. I just laughed out loud. “Damn that G.L.E.E. They’re always making twisted abominations of everything!!” I cannot handle it. And the wink. Poor Darren but also not poor Darren at all. I was just now WRACKING my mind for who could possibly be playing Pincer’s tail if JoMo was being devoured by mosquitos. It’s Brant. Literally the entire cast is currently onstage. Ok Krayonder’s been getting his blood drained for 3 minutes, why is he alive? OH I FORGOT KRAYONDER GETS UP AND SHOOTS THE BUGS. Ok and he gets chopped by Pincer’s claws too so HOW does he survive? StarKid answer!!! I forgot how dramatic this musical gets when you got both the bugs and MegaGirl coming after the humans. Aww the Vulcan salute from Specs. “I changed my name. To Tootsie... MegaGirl.” I love the reactions of the people in the audience who immediately realize what that means. I hear at least one “oh my god” that sounds like sobbing. Awwwww Tootsie’s “that’s real” speech and “I’d love you if you was the horse that ate my cousin.” (#3) just... get yourself a man like Tootsie MegaGirl. He is perfection. God the downloading love scene is so cute. I can’t handle it.

The Up saving Taz scene is so dramatic. Then Brian and Jim just calmly walk offstage. It kills me. Also why did Jaime just continue to lie there? “I just needed to learn how to kill with my heart.” Not exactly what Bug meant, but it works. God Taz climbing onto Up’s back is still the most hilarious thing ever. Whoever thought of her climbing that way was a genius. So funny. I always wanted to try it. Holding the gun up to her head like a blowdryer always gave me anxiety. Making the door out of a scrim that can be backlit was genius. Oof and bringing back “The needs of the many bugs outweigh the needs of the few bugs. Or the one bug.” just hurts. Poor Bug. My heart. This is probably the line that sticks with me to this day and I do think about sometimes.

Ok it’s now 2am and I still have 2 more parts.

I sorta love that Joey didn’t have the time to change into his blacks so he’s still in the Starship Ranger suit while playing the Bug puppet. “Save the Overqueen. I love her.” Awww. “Roach, I’m gonna get the job done if it’s the second last thing I do.” Love it. That Kick It Up A Notch Reprise though. Brian, you should play villains more often. Also remember all of us being like “LUPIN CAN SING?!?!?!??!!” “Lucky for me, God is dead. When you see him in hell, tell him Junior sent you.” Deadgod I love that line. This whole deadgod thing was just leading up to that amazing line. Oh no Bugette! Bug saying “maestro” oh my god. “DFSDSJFDSJKFDS... I’m dead.” I forgot that part! Oh my god the way Brian flicks the glasses back down on his face. Ok so I saw Lauren wiggle her way behind the mucus sac, but I didn’t see Nick come onstage. I rewinded, and I guess the zoom in shots on Brian and Joey were timed so we can’t see Nick join Lauren to be the first larva to come out. Oh well. And I love the crowd cheering as Junior dies. “And bingo was his name-o” That callback though. I forgot that the Overqueen eats Bugette’s body while crying. “Or Bugette! Oh...” Also god Roach is adorable.

Last part. 2:21am. Here we go. Krayonder got his blood sucked out by giant mosquitos and was cut up by a giant scorpion, but all he needs is a bandage around his head. Awwww the soft “I Wanna Be” playing the background as Bug begs the team to accept his bug form. Bug being so mad “It’s that bastard Pincer isn’t it?” and then being so happy that Joey does the little nose scrunch thing. So cute. JOEY’S FACE WHEN DENISE KISSES THE BUG PUPPET. Cannot believe I forgot that until 2 seconds before it happened too. “I now pronounce you man vs. machine. Fight!” WOAH. Why in the WORLD did “eep op ork ahah” come back to me. I was able to say it WITH Joey. That was straight from the DEPTHS of my teenage brain oh my god. I forgot about that oh my GOD. THAT’S INSANE. I FORGOT SO MUCH STUFF BUT I REMEMBERED HOW TO SAY “I LOVE YOU” IN BUG.

And the Beauty reprise.

God I love this musical. It’s still my fave StarKid show I think. And I’m horrified to see that it has only 500K views for the last part, so only 500K people have watched it all the way through after 10 years. That’s disgraceful. It’s amazing. Watch Starship.

It is 2:32am. I started at 8:50pm. Got sidetracked when I had to rewatch the Beauty part of Act 2 again to make sure I got my notes back in the post. Took a few bathroom breaks. But this is mostly because I paused every like 10 seconds to make a comment, so it took 5 and a half hours to watch a 3 hour musical. This why I take forever to watch things while liveblogging. I take too long to writing notes.

I’ll probably just post this in the morning. Gotta proofread for mistakes before posting.

Ok it’s the next afternoon. This post is literally 5,000+ words and takes 20 minutes to read according to a online word counter. I’m sorry to whoever read this entire thing. Your reward is the pictures of the Starship plushies I crocheted when I was 15 and 16.

(Ignore the bad lighting and my horribly chipped paint. That’s the only picture I have of the Bugette one since I gave it to Lauren Lopez a day later. I started making another for myself shortly after but never finished. Maybe I should finally finish the second one... hmm...)

#hope rewatches starkid #guys i'm not kidding it's 5000+ words i wrote a lot i commented on basically every single second of this 3 hour musical

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 9

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day 241: Shit day at work. To cut a long story short, I could complete a task Sueanne gave to me and then I got it in the ear, including a snotty email ay 5:40pm. Pissed off.

Day 242: Had a meeting with Sueanne (our weekly 1-2-1 actually) and she was alright. I feel much better tonight. Last night I didn’t even have an appetitie - unheard of! Going to make up for that tonight, pie and loads of veg! A much better day. Ridiculously, I believe yesterday was all my own fault - I take work for granted sometimes and I let myself down by ignoring the urgency of a task just because it was Sueanne asking me to do it and she was a peer. She is now my boss, and I should respect that.

Day 243: So-so day at work. It’s strange how used to work I am after over six months on furlough. It’s been less than two months back but all the highs and lows amd frustrations are commonplace. Most importantly, it being Thursday, I cannot wait for tomorrow eveninga dn to kick back, drink and smoke. Spoke to dad this morning, he’s same as...that’s always good to know. Sugar levels have been a fucking roller coaster today, and it has really fucked me off! No salad at lunch due to them being so fucking high when I got back from my walk. It ended up being my tea. Sarted watching The Undoing...it’s OK. 

Day 244: Glad it is Friday. Just cooking a (very hot) chicken madras, cracked open my first beer. Gonna eat, drink, smoke and watch a good film.

Day 245: Gold was the film I watched last night, with Matthew McConaughey and it was a good choice. I then watch a Kevin Hart stand up show on Netflix...very Eddie Murphy, very funny. I did a 12 km walk today...fucking felt it in my legs. Walked the footpath from Stoke Doyle road to Benefield road for the first time. I liked it and it comes out between Lytham Park and Wakerley Close....I posted on FB about the fact that when I move to Oundle, Clifton Drive was the last street heading out of town. Saw Becks on the walk down Benefield road, She mentioned she’s tired of lockdown. I replied that I’m tired of the virus!

Day 246: Up at 1pm, nice long walk, ordered new slippers and waterproof jacket (my Craghopper is bust again).

Day 247: I screwed up at work today, went for a (ridiculously) late lunch right when I was meant to be at an online meeting that Sueanne had reminded me about in the morning. There’s mitigation but, when push comes to shove, I fucked up and now Sueanne’s on the warpath - one more slip up and it’ll be an offical disciplinary matter. 

Day 248: Suzanne wants me to troubleshoot a ticket she has in her queue, some database request for a Cork guy. It’s a test and it’s fucking me off.

I did testing for a network change tonight...8 till 11:15pm.

Elliot and Aaron cleaned the windows today. It was nice to see them.

Rita sent a couple of emails recently. Dad’s ear is all clear but Paul has got testicular cancer.

Day 249: New waterproof jacket arrived today. It’s very nice, bargain for £25 odd. Also picked up slippers from M&S food hall in Corby so, while over their, did a shop at Tesco’s...£109 mainly booze.

By the time I was back, I ended up doing my evening walk at 9.30pm!

Day 250: Leigh from Oundle Chronicle has got back to me. She (he?) has selected the photos that are going to be in the article and wants me to write a sentence on each - where they were taken and what inspited me to do so. Whether that means the stuff I wrote before is not going to be used, or not, I dunno! New slippers are OK and the new jacket is still impressing me.

Day 251: Typing on Day 252. Usual Friday, beers, meatballs, pizza, long chat with Fog. I should mention that, as we approach the end of Lockdown2 in England, Boris and his government have laid out a three tier structure for how the second lockdown will be eased. It’s caused confusion and consternation across the board. None of it affects me, still isolating like I was on day 1. Day 252: Totally forgot about my diary entry yesterday! Up at 1pm, nice long walk, nipped rong Elliots to pay for my windows, had a chat with him, Artron and Camilla - it’s so nice to socialise! Gonna make fish pie and supp a few ales. Day 253: The weekend is over way too quickly. It’s 7.30pm on Sunday as I type and I wish it wasn’t. I wish it was 7.30pm on Friday. Day 254: In a meeting, a working Zoom, with Andy Ashler in the US re: qfiniti, which Sueanne pissed me off about earlier in te day (RCI diary updated), but the meeting went well. I am desparately trying to buy an iPad on Black Monday. As usual with tech, I cannot make my mind up which to buy! Day 255: I haven’t bought an iPad....I’ll wait for the 10.2″ iPad to come down in price. I had more involvement with Andy Ashler and in the US with the Qfiniti project at work. I’m really enjoying it, it’s very technical...although I didn’t finish ‘til 6pm because of it. The Oundle Chronicle is out and an article about me and my pics is on the back page. Leigh, the editor, sent it to me electronically. It’s good. I am chuffed!  Day 256: I booked some holidays today, making sure that I didn’t include any days off in the week December 14-18 (SB’s off). So, this coming Friday (4th Dec), Next Weds-Fri and Monday 21st. I know I have only been back from Furlough a couple of months but I am more than ready for some kick-back time.  1-2-1 with SB today, it was a relaxed affair, most espcially becaus eof my success thus far with the Qfiniti project - that being said, I got pretty much nowhere with it today.  Ordered a couple of long sleeved Ts and a fleeced hoody from a shop called Doubletwo today, well cheap in the sale. I saw half a dozen joggers on the Milton Road blind bend tonight, oblivious to any other potential path user. I posted about it (in my own, sarcastic way) on the Oundle Chatter FB group. It was met how I’d expected plus some direct digs so I deleted it. Cowardly but, I figure, I don’t get my point across, the vast majority of joggers really don’t think they are doing anything wrong by bulldozing there way around town and, lastly, I couldn’t be bothered with the flak, and its tennis like back-and-forth!

Day 257: Got tomorrow off so worked late tying up loose ends, including the qfiniti project - fucking nuts really, making sure no one asks any questions of SB or the team, in terms of my work load, for just one day off! Still, just had tea, cracked open a beer and am watching Shaun of the Dead. Nice.

Day 258: The main thing I did today is walk. It was about 12km but felt much longer ‘cos it was wintry, pissing down, windy and slippery as fuck. And I really enjoyed it! Badge messaged me today to ask how I am and, in replying, I mentioned that I think I am becoming addicted to walking...it wasn’t a throwaway comment. Just cooked up a chilli (which I think I have ruined with a Knorr beef stock pot), and will tuck in with beers, smokes and telly. While it’s been a day off, this Friday evening will be as all others are at the moment, late, drunken and solitary fun - no doubt.

Day 259: Typing on day 260. That chilli last night was actually OK. Plus I ‘invented’ a meatball wrap - moving on from the TikTok ham and cheese wrap you fold into the toaster, I tried the same with meatballs but no fucking way could I fold it into the toaster slot (pissed up kitchen shenanigans), so I wrapped it in tin foil and heated it in the oven, Fucking delicious. I watched Shaun of the Dead. I think it’s the first time since its release and I couldn’t help thinking “zombies just aren’t like that [in real life]” Wtf?

Day 260: I was quite sensible (for a Saturday) last night, in bed by 2am, up at my alarm this morning, 10:30am. Nice long walk, taking in a new path up by Biggin Grange and took plenty of pics that turned out really good. Btw, posh lost yesterday at Portsmouth (with 2000 fans there) and they lost midweek and last weekend in the FA Cup to Chorley, at home. 

Day 261: It’s freezing today...actually 0 degrees. This house is so fucking cold, even with the heating on.

Day 262: Typing on day 263. Last day of work for 5 days. Beers are in order. And a sausage casserole. Day 263: I completely forgot to do a diary entry yesterday....concentrating on starting my work break off on the right foot, which I did. As a result, I didn’t get up until 1pm. So, to stop that sort of day wasting, no beers tonight. Just got back from a shop (£90 in Tesco’s), trying to sort out Romiley’s Christmas present, then something to eat (more sausage casserole) and a early, sober night.

Day 264: So, after abstinence last night, I was up before 11am and did a walk that included the track from Benefield Road to Monson Way past Park Wood. It was fucking hard work due to mud. I have lost coumd the amount of times I nearly slipped right over. Throw into that a hypo, the 12-13km walk was tough. Sorted out Romiley’s present (guitar stand, music stand and guitar exercises book). Took soime nice photos today as well which I’ve prepared and shared. No booze today/tonight either. Some break, a younger me would say!

Day 265: Friday, and I am typing with a beer, balti on the hob and I am just gonna choose a film and roll a single skinner. I am knackered. Up at 10am, cleaned the hall and stairs after a 10km walk. Also, I spoke with dad who is, as always, fine.

Time to make up for the last two sober nights.

Day 266: I am typing this on day 267. So drunk last night I left nearll a full can of beer and went to bed in my jogging bottoms and t-shirt. I have had a day off from any exercise at all which felt very odd. A few beers and watched Snatch. Day 267: While I was nowhere near drunk last night, due to sleeping in late (2pm) I was up ‘til 3am watching TikTok so today I struggled out of bed at just before 1pm. Watch the start of the season’s final GP (Verstappen won from pole and it was boring af), back on the exercising including a 9km walk. Back to work tomorrow which I feel totally conflicted about! Posh won yesterday at home to Rochdale (with the allowed 2000 fans) 4-1 including a 17 minute first half hatrick from Jonson Clarke-Harris.

Day 268: Back to work - Sueanne’s off and it’s the first day I’ve been at work with Jon in charge which involves a daily ‘SUMO’ (whatever that acronym stands for?) at 9.30am every day. I am still involved with te qfiniti upgrade project which seems to have taken a step backwards in the 3 days I had off, so I was working until gone 9.30pm! I have decided to do a quiz, hopefully for Christmas, whereby I don’t want the actual answers (to 25 particular questions, all with a common theme in the answer), merely an omitted question!  

Day 269: Stand Up Meeting Online. SUMO. Ian Bird told me. I might struggle with double Y for my quiz. Work was OK, more Qfiniti stuff. Posh drew away to MK 1-1. Posh were 0-1 up but Lincs lost at home. I can’t undertsand why that pleases me so....oh, yeah I can Steve Dee.

Day 270: Struggling to order Dad and Rita booze for Christmas without it being a Morrison’s delivery that I can do through Amazon Prime. That would be OK but it’s just a bit clinical! Meanwhile, now I am paying for Prime, and they are showing some Premiership games (for example, tonight I watched Liverpool v. Spurs (2-1), I really have to contact Sky - I am paying £71pm atm! Sam posted pic of her Christmas tree but mentioned how she’s finding it hard to get in the spirit - Paul has testicular cancer and the outlook is bleak - fuck know’s what she’s going through with all that, trying to shield Romiley from the worst without lying!

#diary #Tumblr diary #lockdown #COVID19 #lockdownuk

[bksayinfuckitall]

It’s 8 pm and I feel compelled to list all the things I did today instead of proactively job seeking:

Slept until 11 am and was still exhausted.

Made a protein shake and took to the couch.

Woke up to the church bells ringing the one o’clock.

Found my Staples order of 48 cans of Diet Ginger Ale (for 16 bucks!) had arrived and was in the vestibule. Took each 12-pack down to storage individually, in order to amass steps and stairs for my fitness tracker.

Stood in the open front doorway for 10 minutes watching the mid-afternoon downpour.

Posted a box of unusable Canon printer toner (since I paid $60 for what ended up being the wrong type and didn’t realize this until I opened and tried to use it and stained most of my fingers teal blue) on FB Marketplace, hoping to get a few bucks.

Spent approximately 90 minutes trying to print out this week’s choir anthem for tonight’s rehearsal. (The number of abortive attempts cannot be counted, encompassing problems regarding my iPad wireless, the iPad connection to the printer, being out of black ink, running out of yellow ink, miscellaneous errors in mid-print facilitating the need to reboot the iPad and start over.

During this process, when downloading the anthem PDF to Google Drive, saw an alarming message that my Google storage was at 80% full and I would need to add to storage or I would be unable to download anything further. So I deleted every video, which made no dent. Then I scrolled back to the 2012 mess in Google photos and worked my way back to the present. Took 10% of that way!

Forgot to eat lunch. At 5:30 pm, drank the second half of the protein shake and housed cherry tomatoes with the rest of the hummus, resulting in substantially uncomfortable bloat, enough I had to unbutton my shorts.

Finally went to LinkedIn and started browsing. Wellington has a number of Exec Asst jobs — I have Wellington connections aplenty — so started trying to print each out for review. I ask you to refer back to the entry about printing out the choir anthem. 45 minutes later, BTW.

Choir Zoom — sitting mute listening to sweet Nora talk and talk and talk and play with her hair. Spent most of meeting watching how my forehead glowed in the glare of my kitchen lamp, moving to different angles to try and blunt it. Stood up to sing at a point and spent that part of rehearsal trying to ensure my Hillary Clinton “I’m With Her” tshirt text was filling the screen, hoping to get a rise out of someone, anyone.

My shoulders and neck are killing me. So after choir I sat for 10 minutes with the massage vest in action, in such pain that I may have taken JC’s name in vain a couple dozens times.

Now I’m getting my daily writing in, so that I don’t skip doing my planned session a second day.

Going out for my run now, and will do PT after. Should probably have supper after that.

If I can get to apply for some jobs by the time that is all over....successful day!

(Oy. I need a better system. Or something else.)

[twdmusicboxmystery]

9x02: First Thoughts

Good morning! How did everyone like the episode last night? I LOVED it! I'm basically going to talk about the three major things aspects of TD that I saw in last night’s episode for today. Tomorrow I'll do a lot more detail.

I’m also going to apologize for going over these super-quick today. I got back from my trip in time to mostly watch the episode live last night, but as with any vacation, I'm going to be playing catch up for a few days, so I’m keeping it short today.

 ***As always, spoilers abound below for 9x02. Don’t read until you’ve watched! ***

1. Probably the most shocking thing we saw last night was a picture of Beth in the background. Did y'all catch this? I honestly didn't while watching the first time through. But it was posted in my group. The show decided to be sneaky and they focused on one of the pictures on Maggie's wall: the one of Glenn. The rest were in the background when Jesus sat at Maggie’s desk.

So, we have pictures of Glenn, Herschel, and Beth. We’re unsure about the others, but we think they could be Sean (Beth's older brother), and then either their mother or perhaps Patricia or Otis from S2.

The idea is that Anne drew them. When talking to Father Gabriel, she said she liked doing these drawings for people because it helped her feel like one of the group. The implication is that she's done them for others. Because she didn't know any of the subjects, it's sort of a sketch artist thing. They tell her what the person looks like, and she does her best to draw them.

What's really interesting is that this picture is almost an exact replica of a well-known one of Beth from 4x10, Inmates. Credits to @boltthrutheheart for this visual comparison.

This is a big deal We all know no one has said Beth’s name since 5x10. In fact, once the sun rose, and the music box awakened, it’s like they all forgot her name. Over the seasons, I've been asked several times, if somebody mentions Beth, will that make me doubt her return? I've always said no. That I’ll see it as a sign of her imminent arrival.

And granted, no one mentioned her by name in this episode. But this is the next best thing. We saw a visual representation of her, which we haven't seen on the show since 5x09. And it's very reminiscent of a picture that most of her fans would immediately recognize. It's also interesting how much green is used. Almost as if to tell us that green is her color (as if we didn't already know that). Notice that while there's a lot of color in all the pictures, hers is the only one that is predominantly green.

Like I said, more details tomorrow, but I also want to mention that Beth and Edwards discussed artwork at Grady. I think this is a nod to that. The first time we’re seeing her since 5x09 is as a piece of artwork, and Beth believed in the transcendence of artwork.

And yes, @wdway, I will totally run with the fact that it’s a dude named JESUS that’s sitting directly in front of Beth’s picture, as if to confirm all the symbolism we’ve been pointing at for 4 years. But I won’t go into any more detail than that for today.

So everyone in my FB group is totally hoping for a moment when Daryl goes into Maggie’s office and stares at a picture of Beth. How sweet would that be? *fingers crossed*

This was a very exciting thing to see, and I do think it foreshadows that will see her later in the season in some way.

2. Father Gabriel and Anne. I’ll admit that when I read the spoilers about FG and Anne making out, I had to laugh. I thought it was funny and very random. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't against the idea. More power to them, but it also felt to me like the writers looked around for the most unlikely couple, and decided to help them make out.

But, I was surprised at how sweet their relationship ended up being. On TTD, Denise Huth explained the rationale behind it and how these two actually do have a lot in common. I won't go into that too much today because I'm probably going to do a more detailed post about them in a few days. But for now, did everyone else see Bethyl in this relationship? Please tell me you saw this parallel!

Think about what father Gabriel says here. "I cared about her very much." And the fact that Anne asks about his celibacy as a priest shows that this “caring” is meant to be romantic. He didn't care about her as a sister or friend. He had feelings for her. "But I was afraid, and then I lost her.” Those exact words would be more than appropriate for what happened with Daryl and Beth, and S4/S5.

Then Anne asks, "Are you still afraid, because if you are, I’ll be very disappointed."

I'm seeing this as a foreshadow of Beth and Daryl coming back together. Lots of people in my group have wondered, when Beth and Daryl come back together, whether he'll make the first move or she will. I've always thought it would have to be her. We know Daryl super shy about that sort of thing. I think of Beth kissed him first, he would be a little surprised by it, but also happy and relieved that she felt the same way.

But this parallel suggests otherwise. Gabriel kisses Jadis first, which is surprising given Gabriel’s laid back personality. But I think this could definitely be true of Daryl when Beth returns. Even though he was afraid/unsure before, after everything Daryl's been through, I don't think that will be the case anymore. He seen too much now. He lost Beth the first time, which is the biggest thing that changed him. He's also seen Glenn die, Rosita lose Abraham, Tara lose Denise, Aaron lose Eric, and Rick lose Carl. I think he'll have a “life's too short” mentality and won't be afraid to tell her how he feels anymore.

One other quick mention: Gabriel emphasizes that he’s Episcopalian. I think we already knew that because it said so on the sign at his church in S5. We’ve definitely discussed it in our TD theories before. But it was emphasized here. And it’s always interesting to me because one, radical sect of Episcopalians (not all; let me emphasize that) worships snakes. So I feel like this is a snake reference, which is also a Bethyl think. ;D

Either way, this relationship made me very happy. I thought it was sweet and I like Anne and FG together. But I also see it as a foreshadow of Beth and Daryl. It's coming guys. Just a matter of time.

3.The bridge analogy. Near the beginning of the episode, Ezekiel talks to Henry about the bridge, he says, "It’s not just a bridge. Roads are the life blood of civilization. Rome rose and fell with its roads. Without this bridge there’d be no trade…this boring structure connects us all. "

First, he mentions Rome! As in Up the Wolves and “there’s gonna be a party when the wolf comes home?” I’ll just leave it at that for now.

But I thought this was all very interesting. We have the whole bridge theory, and I do still think all the bridges are analogy for Beth's arc. All of them point toward it coming. We've also seen the bridge be applied to many different characters. Like Abraham, Dwight, and even the characters in Fear. So it's interesting to say the bridge unites everyone. I'm sure it will end up being an analogy for all arcs on the show and a way to unite even the people who never met each other.

There are plenty of people since who never met on the show. For example, characters who died pre-S4 never met those who didn't show up until S4 or after. I know a lot of us had had canons about Beth meeting various characters who have now died before her return. I think it's really interesting that they're telling us that the bridge symbolism is important and will end up uniting all the arcs in some way. I really liked that.

That's it for today. There was a ton more stuff in this episode. I promise I will get all the details hashed out for you tomorrow. I really really loved this episode. So much great stuff happened (RIP Aaron's arm) and I'll show you all the other parallels I found tomorrow. Happy Monday!

#beth greene #beth greene lives #beth is alive #beth is coming #td theory #td theories #team delusional #team defiance #beth is almost here #bethyl

[it-all-gets-better-love]

It was November 2014, months before our high school graduation. Our school was invited to bring delegates for the 11th National Youth Congress in UP Diliman who had outstanding grades in Economics. I was glad to be selected as one of the delegates to participate on the said event.

We went to UP 2 times for the event. I remember I was late to board our service because our call time was around 5am and our house is far from my school. As usual, always late 😅 Good thing, we weren’t late for the opening ceremony.

Those 2 days are very memorable. We walked around UP Diliman. (That was my first and last visit at that university until now.) Our early service trip to QC and our late trip going back to Laguna. The UP facts and stories from the NYC organizing body. The activities which brought out my competitiveness. Lastly, people I got to meet and be my groupmates.

We were 7 in our team.

• There’s this quiet guy (forgot the name).

• This girl from Mindanao/Palawan who’s quiet too but nice (also forgot the name).

• This girl who can’t totally speak Tagalog (she’s quiet too and forgot her name as well).

• Chic! Omg this girl. So maarte pero kalog.

At that time, we rode a jeepney kasi malelate na kami for the next seminar and then she blurted out it was her 2nd or 3rd time to ride a jeepney 😂 And later that day, I saw na she was one of the models on the Starbucks sales manual. She’s pretty til now. Actually, what a small world. Nung internship ko sa FGI in BGC, after I finished my internship there, nalaman ko na interior designer siya dun. And yung dept. nila is 2/3 floors below ours. Small world! I didn’t get a chance to say hi.

• Xaika. Omg. The vibe we had in those 2 days way back in 2014 grabeee!

I think she came from Bicol? Not sure tho. And then grabe lang vibe namin I swear. I forgot about the things that we talked about pero there’s this one moment of us na I still remember vividly. That was on the 2nd day/last day of NYC. Nung awarding ceremony na for the Sparkonomics.

Nung 1st day kasi, we were tasked to come up with a creative and comprehensive campaign idea regarding our chosen subject galing dun sa 10 Econ-mandments. Good thing, my groupmates are all passionate and smart that we were chosen as the awardee for the Sparkonomics Competition.

Unfortunately, minutes before the awarding, naggoodbye na si Xaika samin kasi aalis na daw bus nila going back to Bicol and it’s getting late na. Ilang hours byahe nila. So she hugged each of us and ang sad lang din niya coz di niya maaabutan yung announcement ng kung sino mananalo. She went down na agad kasi parang nasa auditorium kami nun.

Sakto, nung nakababa na siya, tinawag yung group namin. I was so happy grabe. For us. Kaya lang kulang kami kasi umalis na si Xaika. Sooo we were walking towards the steps paakyat ng stage nung napansin namin pabalik si Xaika and we were calling here. I was shouting her name in front of everybody. And then grabe kasi she came running to me and hugged me agad. She was so happy too. They just took a photo of us on the stage and then umalis na talaga siya.

I dunno. I felt like she was my twin sister at that time kasi parehas kami makwento and passionate sa pagkwento. I think she went to Ateneo nung college and then si Chic sa UPD naman.

I just feel writing about Xaika right now kasi nakita ko sa post niya earlier na she’s boarding the plane today papuntang Scotland. To pursue her dreams. I dunno what it is but I’m proud of her and I’m happy for her too. We didn’t talk anymore kahit sa fb after NYC but that 2 days with her and my other group mates are worth remembering 💛

Sometimes, people are in our lives only for a specific season. We could have wished for it to last longer but even if it does, we can only appreciate their presence for that specific season or time that we spent with them. And sometimes, that short time is enough and worth more than anything else.

#MyDearStories

[nickikpopart]

Backside Story: „How to draw LOVE“

“Different Choice” Jimins Part

Jimin POV

The next morning after the night were i broke up with Yoongi, I packed my stuff in Boxes. I still couldn´t believe what he did to me. How could he lie to me all these month? Cheating on me with Hoseok. I was so angry and sad at the same time. Yoongi didn´t came home not even in the morning. So I had time to pack everything. After that I called my boss to get some days off. He didn´t ask why, but the sound of my voice must have said a lot to him. I also told him that I want to change my worktimes, cause I don’t wanted to work with Hoseok at the same time anymore. I didn´t wanted to see him, cause I cannot forget what he did too. After lunch, Tae came and helped me to put my boxes in his car. I was glad that I could stay for a while in his apartment. He is truly a great friend. I made a last look back at the building were all my dreams crumbled into pieces overnight. I just want to forget now and try to move on.

Tae´s POV

After I got the message from Jimin last night I was going back to his flat and we talked the half of the night. Around 3 am, I left him so he could sleep a little. I told him, that I would come back after lunch to pick him up. It was very quiet when we packed all his stuff in car, which was a lot more than I thought. He needs definitely to sort out some things. He can’t take everything with him. I told him that and he agreed. Soon we arrived my apartement.

Others POV

“Jimin, you have so many boxes. We need to put some of these into the basement of my apartment.” Tae said to him with a shocked face.

“I know Tae, I will sort out some of this. I don’t need all of it. I just don’t wanted to left anything there. So I don’t have to go back.” Jimin said, while holding two boxes in his hands. They needed at least 2 hours to get the car empty. After that they were falling on the couch.

“Wahhh Jimin, i`m so done. I can´t anymore, btw… how do you feel?” Tae asked him, while getting up and walk to the kitchen. “Do you want some Water to?”

“I´m not really ok Tae, but I think after some time I will feel better and yes I want some water to. No need to ask, u see how much i`m sweating.” Jimins voice had a sad sound, Tae could tell. He heard it. He took a bottle of water out of the fridge and two glasses from the sink. Sitting back on the sofa, he opened the bottle and poured some water in both.

“Tae are you ok too?” Jimin asked him after drink some.

“I´m slightly ok. At least I was not together with Hoseok, just crush on him. I never thought he would doing things like that.” Tae was still angry, that he could fall for a guy like him. He thought Hoseok would be different than the others he met before, but he failed.

“I understand you, but I think there is someone else you find quite interesting am I right?” Jimin said while making some pictures and post them on his FB-Account. “Moving in with my best friend was a good choice.”

“Jimin, please but yeah Jin is actually quite interesting.” Tae said with a smile on his face.

Soon Tae had to leave Jimin alone to go to work but he would be back late in the evening. After Tae was gone, Jimin started to unpack and sort out some of the things. It was a rollercoaster ride of emotion. All albums with the pictures, he made during their time together. He decided to throw them away with all the little gifts he got from Yoongi, as far as he didn´t had forgot their anniversaries or his birthday. Then he found a little yellow box with a blue butterfly on it. He didn´t saw that box for about 2 years now and he was knowing already what could be in there. He opened the box and found the little brown/white plushy bunny, which he got from Jungkook. He knew it was him who left it even he didn´t saw him. The piece of paper was still there to. He opened it and instandly his thoughts were drifting away to the last day he saw him

“Be happy Jimin. Kookie”

Flashback…

Since Jimin was meeting Jungkook for the first time on his Birthday, he came almost every day, to drink his coffee and to draw. Jimin liked him from the beginning and he thought that Jungkook might liking him to. He saw it in the way he always looked at him. But Jimin had already a Boyfriend, so even he gathered feelings for him somehow, he couldn´t make that decision to tell it Jungkook. So the days are going always the same. Until….

11.10.2015

Jimin had late work and Jungkook was there like always to talk with him and of cause he used his free time to sit down and watched him drawing. He liked his pictures. After some minutes sitting down, he received a call from his Boyfriend. He excused himself from Jungkook to talk to him. Not noticing that Jungkook startled by what he was hearing and immediately got back to his drawing when Jimin looked at him.

“Hey Babe, yes i´m home in 3 hours and I will cook something for you ok.”

“No, its ok. You can bring actually some Wine if u want.”

“Love u too, see you later then.”

Jimin didn´t know that Jungkook heard everything and was sitting himself beside him again. Jungkook didn’t looked at him during their talking, just concentrate on the drawing. Jimin was little surprised that he was so silent after he came back to him.

“So Kookie, how are u doing?” Jimin asked him

“I´m ok. Just as usual.” Jungkook tried to shorten their talk.

“Is everything ok? You are so quiet today. Not like the other time.” Jimin could tell something was off.

“No, everything is fine. Actually I have to go now. If u don´t mind.” Jungkook said while packing his pencil and Sketchbook in his bag.

“Oh ok, no problem. I need to work anyway now. See u tomorrow then.” Jimin said with a smile.

“Yeah see you Jimin.” Jungkooks voice cracked a little, Jimin could hear it but didn´t ask Jungkook about it.

On the next day, Jimin was waiting for Jungkook to come but he didn´t. He needed to talk to him. Actually he wasn´t feeling well, because Yoongi had stood him up the night before. Jimin thought that Jungkook was the best to lighten his mood. Tomorrow was his Birthday, he told that Jungkook a while ago, so he hoped he would come to meet him then.

Jimin had to work on his birthday, but he could go home earlier. His boss allowed it.  He hoped to see Jungkook today, so he entered the Café with excitement. But…

"Jimin, the guy who had visit you every day here had left something for you.” His Boss Namjoon told him. “He was here earlier and told me to give you that.”Namjoon gave Jimin a little yellow Box with a blue Butterfly on it. Jimin gulped and got suddenly silent. So he wouldn´t even see him today, he thought.

“Did he said something else?” Jimin was asking while shaking a little.

“No nothing else, just that.” Namjoon told him and went back into the Kitchen.

Jimin had let himself falling back on the bank behind him and looked at the box in his hand. After he took a deep breath he opened the box and found a little brown/white plushy bunny. Beside that there was a message. “Be happy Jimin. Kookie” He felt sad while reading it. He got overwhelmed and tears were flashing into his eyes. He was started to think, what if he had gathered the courage to confess to Jungkook that he liked him. Would he be there with him today? He looked at the bunny and said to himself: “What if I had did.”, not knowing, while lost in his thoughts, that Jungkook came back to watch him from outside the window. After that the days were going slowly over and Jimin never saw Jungkook again. He thought about him sometimes, but things were going to be better with Yoongi now. So he stopped thinking about him and putted that plushy bunny with the box somewhere in the basement of their apartement. Not know yet that it would come back to him in the right time.

“Jimin, i´m back home.” Tae said after he went into the room. Jimin was freezing after he heard him, which brought him back into reality. Not to face him yet, Jimin put the bunny hasty back in the small box with a sad smile and then putting it in the big box in front of him.

“Sorry I was just… “ Jimin stuttered and putted the big box beside the bed.

“It ok, btw what are u hiding there?” Tae asked him out of curiosity.

“Nothing, just a memory that I want to keep” Jimin just said.

“Oh, ok. Want to eat Dinner. I bought chicken and beer.” Tae was asking with a big smile.

“Yeah ok. I´m actually hungry.” Jimin answered him while still looking at the box. He was thinking about Jungkook more often since he talked with JJK1013 and he still thought if he had made a different Choice in that time. He started to like JJK1013 lately cause he reminded him a little bit of Jungkook. The way he wrote when they are chatting. He needed to talk to Jin about it.

HOW TO DRAW LOVE AU ( 6-7-8/? )

Jimin follows a well known artist on Facebook; not knowing it is Jungkook; a boy he met two years ago and fell for despite being in a relationship. Jungkook suddenly disappeared on him without saying why and left Jimin with a lot of “what ifs”.

so here my next Part of the flashback, Jimins part this time. hope u guys like it. @golden-kookmin

#jikook au #jikook social media au #kookmin au #goldenkookmin au

[yujachachacha]

Get to know me

Tagged by @symphonyalpha​ (I forgot the URL for a second and was like, “Why isn’t Jaewhy showing up when I type it in the user mention???” lol).

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

Last: 1. Drink: Barley water, because that’s what my family drinks ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 2. Phone call: My grandma, telling me what time she needed me to drive her to her doctor’s appointment. 3. Text message: To my little brother, telling him to STFU because he kept sending me dumb shit on iMessage. 4. Song you listened to: Does SIF count? If so, “Sore wa Bokutachi no Kiseki”. If not, I was headbanging to “Paradise Lost” by Chihara Minori after dropping my grandma off at her friend’s place the other day, lol. 5. Time you cried: tbh I probably teared up a little when I was watching the footage from the Lantis preview of the Aqours 1st Live BD/DVDs ｡ﾟ( ﾟஇωஇﾟ)ﾟ｡

Have you: 6. Dated someone twice: I haven’t even dated someone once :’))) 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: I’ve kissed exactly one person, so...hm. There was a period of time when I had conflicting emotions over what happened, but in the end, I don’t think I regret it. 8. Been cheated on: See #6. 9. Lost someone special: I’ve had a grandfather pass away, and this is probably going to sound bad, but...I really appreciated him, and he was nothing but kind to me. However, since I’d only seen him about three times in my life, the biggest way his death affected me was through my mother. It took her a while to get over my grandfather’s death, so it changed the way I behaved around her during that time. 10. Been depressed: Yes. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Exactly once, because I made the mistake of keeping pace with my uncle in Korea who takes soju shots like a champ. This also happened to be the night before Lunar New Year, so I got chewed out by my aunt (older sister of my uncle) once she realized why I was so lethargic during the festivities. _(:3 」∠)_ I don’t regret it though, because before that I had never been hungover before and was wondering what my limit was, haha.

List 3 favorite colors: 12-14. Red, blue, and...uh...other than those two I don’t have any definite faves. I guess the third would be either yellow or purple...? I’ll just go with purple for the sake of completion.

In the last year have you: 15. Made new friends: #TeamONIBE 16. Fallen out of love: That would require me to fall in love with someone first. 17. Laughed until you cried: I think it might have been when Mayushii and King did that disastrous cooking niconama. Like...what the actual fuck, do they seriously not know anything about basic kitchen safety and hygiene??? 18. Found out someone was talking about you: The number of times I’ve gone on to Discord and found out that someone in ONIBE was talkin’ smack about me... (｡･ˇ_ˇ･｡) It’s all in good fun though, haha. 19. Met someone who changed you: See #15. 20. Found out who your friends are: Nothing says "friendship” like screaming your heart out at an anisong concert, eating McNuggets while insanely drunk, sleeping while squished together in a seedy neighborhood, wotaing loudly in a moving vehicle, and other various activities I did with people I had never met in real life. ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ AX 2017 was hella great for ONIBE bonding. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: I don’t think I’ve even used FB for non-work stuff since 2016 lol

General: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: If this means “I’ve actually met them in person and have had a decent conversation with them”, then maybe a few hundred? But if this means that I actually talk to them on a semi-regular basis, then, like...10, maybe. :’) 23. Do you have any pets: See my answer in the previous chain post I did. tl;dr I had a turtle and a dog in elementary school, but after that, no pets. I’d like to have a dog when I get a place of my own, though. 24. Do you want to change your name: Nope. 25. What did you do for your last birthday: Watched LLS Episode 13 in the morning and ate Korean BBQ in the evening. 26. What time did you wake up: Today? I honestly don’t remember. Sometime before 9? 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Laughing at dumb shit on Twitter and Discord, probably. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: The Delayed Viewing for the 2nd Live for the US! I’m making plans to meet up with ONIBE folks again and it’s gonna be ~L I T~ 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: Early in the morning. She was like “lol get up and lose some weight” while I was still in bed so I groaned back, “You’re one to talk,” and went back to sleep. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I was gonna say “how about eliminating my student loans haha” but I suppose this is supposed to be a more serious question. I guess it’d be nice if I was a neater person. Like, my room is a total mess right now and I’m terrible at keeping track of things I should be working on... 31. Listening right now: Fun fact - I actually only listen to music while I’m driving. Otherwise, it distracts me from what I should be doing. 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yup, that was the name of my debate coach when I was in junior high. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: People who hate on LL seiyuu. Like, they’re actual human beings who are working really hard to live up to the expectations of thousands - no, millions of people worldwide. To be quite honest, I invite you to tell me if you legitimately want to shit on any one of them (both µ’s and Aqours), because I have yet to see a single person who has had a good justification for doing so. 34. Most visited website: Probably Tumblr/YouTube/Twitter/Reddit, too lazy to figure out which one of those it is.

Jaewhy put in random questions here because they were missing for some reason, so I guess I’ll continue those: 35. Mole(s): I have a few around my face, but other than the one on my right cheek I don’t think they’re that noticeable? I don’t spend a lot of time in the sun like other Californians. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 36. Mark(s): I have a birthmark on the backside of my right shoulder that I’m sort of self-conscious about. It’s the perfect shape for getting a tattoo of a sunflower around it, so maybe I’ll do that some time in the future? 37. Childhood dream: Lawyer. 38. Hair color: I feel like I’ve answered this in a previous chain post, but it’s black. Duh. Though if you hold it up to the sun, some of the ends are more like dark brown. 39. Long or short: Long. 40. Do you have a crush on someone: See #16. Nope. 41. What do you like about yourself: I’ve spent an unhealthy amount of time staring at computers/video games and I still don’t need glasses. :D 42. Piercings: No, but I should probably get my ears pierced at some point? 43. Blood type: O. 44. Nickname: Yujacha, but a lot of people shorten it to “Yuja”. 45. Relationship status: Single. 46. Zodiac: Libra, Dog. 47. Pronouns: I feel like it’s obvious what gender I am, so just go with those. 48. Favorite TV show: I don’t really watch TV these days, but if I’m kicking back with some hot cocoa at like 2am I might watch Criminal Minds or something. 49. Tattoos: Nope, but like I said in #36 I’ve been thinking about it. 50. Right or left hand: Right. 51. Surgery: Wisdom teeth removal is technically dental surgery. 52. Hair dyed in different color: I had highlights in my hair a few years ago, but they faded real quick. I’m vaguely considering dyeing it brown in the distant future...? 53. Sport: It’s fun to watch the occasional match when there’s a World Cup or Olympic thing going on, but otherwise I have no interest. 54. (A question I came up with since #54 was missing) Extracurricular activities: I was a debate kid for most of my school life, and in college I was in the Korean Club and Student Union. 55. Vacation: Does the 2nd Live DV later this year count? 56. Pair of trainers sneakers *American anthem plays in the distance*: I actually need new ones because I’ve tripped while hiking on at least two separate occasions due to my shitty old sneakers.

More general: 57. Eating: Haven’t yet. 58. Drinking: Wasn’t this literally the first question? 59. I’m about to: Eat. 60. (This question was missing so I'll make one up again) Thinking about: What to eat lol 61. Waiting for: 2nd Live DV~ 62. Want: Money tbh 63. Get married: I’d like to at some point, but at the moment I’m kinda tired of hearing about it from every middle-aged woman who talks to me (including my own mother). 64. Career: Working on it.

Which is better: 65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs, because they’re warm and comfy and can be shared by complete strangers. 66. Lips or eyes: I was gonna repeat a previous answer and say “eyesmiles” but since this is “lips or eyes” rather than “smiles or eyes”, I guess my answer would fall more under “eyes”. 67. Shorter or taller: Bruh, if someone’s shorter than me then I’d need to check their ID to make sure they’re not jailbait. Taller. 68. Older or younger: I’ve never dated anyone so I honestly wouldn’t know, but I’d probably look for someone close to my age first? 69. (Lmao why was 69 missing :3c I’ll just make something up again) Outgoing or shy: The former, since I’m lazy. If someone doesn’t drag me to places I’ll just lay in bed all day. 70. Nice arms or stomach: It’s actually really hard for females to have a toned stomach, so any gals with abs are like ooh~ 👀 But I actually like hands! I have smol stubby fingers so I really dig people with nice hands. 71. Sensitive or loud: The former, because I don’t need the entire neighborhood to know when I’m gettin’ laid kthnx 72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship, because sure why not? 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Maybe the former, but if they’re being too much of a lil’ shit then I’d go for the latter instead. I’ve dealt with friends who take like 20 minutes to decide what to order from a menu so I know that feel. :’)

Have you ever: 74. Kissed a stranger: Nope. 75. Drank hard liquor: Yup. 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I’m pretty sure I annoyed half of ONIBE during AX when I went “haha y’all are blind af” after I found out I was pretty much the only one who didn’t have corrected vision. 77. Turned someone down: I was about to say “no” and then I got a sudden flashback to a certain incident in college, wow thanks for making me remember something I had tried to forget...sooo, uh, yup. 78. Sex on the first date: See #6. 79. Broken someone’s heart: IDK if turning someone down counts as breaking their heart. 80. Had your heart broken: ...yes. I think? 81. Been arrested: Nope. 82. Cried when someone died: Do fictional characters count? 83. Fallen for a friend: Uhhhhh...kind of? It was complicated.

Do you believe in: 84. Yourself: I’d like to think that I do. 85. Miracles: KISEKI DA YO~ ...sorry, I had to. Yeah. 86. Love at first sight: Shukashuu is living proof of this. 87. Santa Claus: Nope, sorry Maki!!! 88. Kiss on the first date: Sure.

Other: 90. Current best friend(s) name: IDK if I have one. :’) 91. Eye color: I’m Asian, take a wild guess. 92. Favorite movie: I don’t really have a favorite, but I did like “Kimi no Na wa.” (Your name.) so much that I made it my phone’s lock screen.

Tagging: I've only tagged people the first time I did one of these and I’m gonna try to keep it that way. If anyone who reads this wants to give it a go, feel free~

#yujachat #chain post #queuetie panther #edited the words from british to american english spelling BECAUSE I CAN HAHA #are these even interesting to people why would u wanna know about boring old me

[unwrathful]

Tag game

Tagged by @ms-erie

Rules: Answer these 92 questions and tag 20 people

(I don’t wanna annoy y’all so this long post is under a cut)

LAST… Drink: Green tea Phone Call: ...my dad??? my mum??? maybe booking smth? Idk and too lazy to check Text Message: from my dad (oh geez already my life is looking p lonely lmao)

Song you listened to: uhhhh tempted to say despacito but that’s a lie.  Time you cried: Last night/earlier in the morning (it was about 1am) HAVE YOU… Dated someone twice: nope bc real ppl suck Kissed someone and then regretted it: Nope Been cheated on: nope Lost someone special: define ‘lose’ Been Depressed: atm it’s all the time Gotten drunk and thrown up: Nope bc I hate alcohol so I’ve never reached that point (yet) Made new friends: yup Fallen out of love: ...with characters, yeah, but not irl Laughed until you cried: yeah that’s happened a lot Found out someone was talking about you: ...both positively and negatively Met someone who changed you: ...yeah? yeah. Found out who your friends are: yes!! Kissed someone from your Facebook list: Nope Kissed a stranger: ew Drank hard liquor: ...no? Lost glasses/contact lenses: bitch no Turned someone down: yes in both a romantic and a lend-a-hand setting Sex on the first day: pfft no Broken someone’s heart: ...maybe but I don’t think so Had your heart broken: ...no Been arrested: no(t yet lmao) Cried when someone died: Yeah Fallen for a friend: nope Kissed on the first date: nope

GENERAL List three favorite colors: black, purple, red How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: most but a quite a few now that I haven’t met irl (but know them via internet, does that count?) Do you have any pets: no Do you want to change your name: absolutely NOT What time did you wake up: ...uhh today was 10:30am but that’s not normally my wake up time What were you watching at midnight last night: smth on the tv I forgot Name something you can’t wait for: ...uhh I wanna say death but low key don’t want to die When was the last time you saw your mom: about 15mins ago What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: gaining a proper work ethic/ambition What are you listening to right now: The sound of my laptop fan Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yeah and he’s a funny guy Something that it’s getting on your nerves right now: ppl KEEP TOUCHING ME //SCREAMS// Most visited website: uhhh tumblr? discord? fb? AO3? smth like that anyways but p sure it’s tumblr tbh Mole/s: a few Mark/s: I have a birthmark Childhood dream: 1) police officer but that fell through bc I didn’t want to get shotand 2) your standard celeb bullshit and 3) novellist What do you like about yourself: ...I try not to be racist/bigoted in general?Piercings: no Blood Type: Idk Nicknames: ...n/a but some as a joke/in reference to usernames etc Relationship status: Single and hating ppl Zodiac: Aquarius Pronouns: she/her Favorite TV shows: khr, some others, blacklist, etc. Tattoos: nope and I don’t want any Right or left hand: leftie Surgery: no Hair dyed in different color: never so far (might change) Sport: I play squash and do some running I guess Vacation: I want to go back to Japan and go see ancient sites Pair of trainers: yeah Current and all-time best friend: I HATE THE TITLE BEST FRIEND Eye color: brown but ppl tell me it’s hazel/green/whatever and like make up your mind  Favorite Movie: Idk

WHICH IS BETTER? Hugs or kisses: hugs but both are ew Lips or eyes: eyes but ew Shorter or taller: ...taller... Nice arms or stomach: ...both?...stomach I guess Sensitive or loud: ...fuck Idk rn I just hate ppl but. I guess sensitive? loud ppl can get on my nerves but at the same time I can like it... Hook up or relationship: ...relationship? I guess Troublemaker or hesitant: ...neither but I guess troublemaker (Xanxus is different class from troublemaker, okay?) DO YOU BELIEVE IN… Yourself: no Miracles: yes Love at first sight: no Santa Claus: ...I did but now...I wish I did

I tag no one bc I’m too lazy qq and I just c a n ‘ t but if you wanna-

#more blatherings #ms-erie #tag game #a look into my dark self ahaha #I'm sorry if you wanted to be tagged but...:/ #I DON'T HATE PPL ALL THE TIME OKAY IT'S JUST RN I DON'T WANNA TALK FACE TO FACE WITH OTHER PPL #stuff the queue

[lunchbox-dilemmas]

Day 2.

I woke up at past 4am. Fuck it, I only had 3 hrs of sleep. I was wondering if your alarm went off already. Tangina. Every single time I wake up, the first thing that comes to my mind is you. You = pain. I hate it. So I forced myself to sleep again.

Can you even call it sleeping if I was half awake the entire time? My 6 am alarm went off. I checked if you’re online. Yeah, I know.. one of my habits that I needed to stop. I thought of you again. Then I saw her online. She didn’t reply on my last message. Oh, God. I really do hope she didn’t gave you any idea. Haaaaay pota this. Then tadaaa~ my over thinking self acted up. Did you greet each other good morning already? Did you leave sweet nothings on each other? Did you guys do it like we used to or much much more sweeter?

This morning routine drains the fucking life out of me already. I lit a cigarette. Inhaling poisons and exhaling stress. I didn’t want to go to work today. I just wanted to lay my ass around and do nothing. But I can’t. I need to be productive. I need to go to my store. I need to perform and lead. I need to pretend that everything is getting better. But my mind and body don’t want to.

I talked to myself again while bathing lol. It happens for quite a while now. I always tell myself Louise. Ano na? Gising gising din di ka na babalikan nun. Be the better version of yourself? Ito na ba better mo? Tangina mo ang dami mo ng bakod oh akala ko ba artista look kinesa kinesa na ang peg mo? Paano ka mamahalin nung tao kung di mo mahal sarili mo? Tama na yan. Start your day right ffs!! Maybe I shouldn’t leave the bathroom. It’s the only place where I can motivate and push myself.

I played Lany’s I Don’t Wanna Love You Anymore on repeat. Yes, on fucking repeat!! With the tiny “1” on the repeat button while driving to work. I even sang it so loud and not a single fuck was given to the riders who gave me a second look. Lol. I started feeling better. This day is gonna be good. And so I thought.

During my morning rounds, one of my closest friends chat me up on fb cursing me and telling me she cried on my Day 1 post. Loool. I was so moved huhuhuhu. The pain that was dormant on that moment suddenly resurfaced. Everything became heavy again. I was out of focus. I went out and smoked even if it’s against our company’s CoC. I couldn’t take the sadness. I needed my cigarette. All these thoughts kept coming in my head. I thought about you and her. Oh god, it’s gonna be a looong daaaay.

It’s a good thing that there were high volume of customers and deliveries during my shift. I was busy with everything that time passes by quickly. I didn’t checked my phone that often. I forgot to eat again until one of my crew gave me a tiny double down. “diet version” that’s how she described it. I was loved. Huhuhuhu. I felt better again. I even texted my sister if she wants to have dinner with me tonight and she agreed. Yaaaay!

Then it was 5 pm already. Our dinner was at 8 pm coz she still have classes so I decided to go home first before heading to Gateway for our dinner. It was a bad idea. Me going home. I was alone when I arrived. I started smoking again. One by one by one. I didn’t noticed until I was on my 5th stick. I felt drained. I thought about you. Are you heading straight home? Are you gonna go to her? Did you have fun on your lunch out with your team? Did you reach or exceed your quota for the day? How’s your day? In case you’re asking. Mine’s a mess as usual. I really really wanted it to be a good day but I don’t fucking know the reason why it always ends up being a fucked up one. I even cancelled the dinner with my sis. Too lazy and tired to go out anymore. Life what are you doing to me? Lift me up please.

So here I am now. In my bedroom. Smoking and typing my thoughts on this fucking webpage thinking that typing down all these fucking thoughts will lighten up the heaviness that I’m feeling right now.. pero bakit ang bigat bigat pa din? Putangina naman oh. Walang kwenta.

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 4

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day91: I can’t post photos to the sister photo diary and it’s fucking me off. Using this as a place holder- last successful pic was 21/06/2020.

Day 92: Still awaiting Tumblr re: day 91′s entry. Meanwhile looking at other blog/diary sites. Very warm today, like it was throughout May. Boris announced a further relaxation in lockdown measures which includes reducing the 2m distancing instruction which paves the way for pubs, restaurants and other places to open on 4th  . It looks like the Ship will open 6th July, George on the 4th. I await to see the measures put in place before deciding whther it’s a goer.

Day93: Typing on day 94 - I received an email from Deryn from RCI HR concerning placement online module attendance, thanking me for my participation. I was somewhat confused. Was this a mistake or was I erroneously not icluded in the initial communications? I fired off an email to HR and WhatsApp’d Jim. He replied that I should take it up with HR.

I am worried by this. Furlough ends this week and I know not what the fuck is going on.

Day 94: Had a few beers last night, ‘cos I was feeling deflated over work. Finished Homecoming S2, which was very good, and cancelled Amazon Prime before the free trial ends tomorrow. Got up @midday but haven’t done jack shit today as my right ankle is playing up - it was twinging last night - apart from press ups. No word back from RCI but there was a notification that the email from Deryn was attempted to be recalled. Had a spat in Co-Op wth two lads who were ignoring the one way system and social-distancing. It makes my blood boil and I had to say something which ended up making my blood boil even more…especially as one of them asked me to ‘crack on’. It’s a pretty cool response actually, since I had them bang to rights but, at the time, I thought I was going to bust a blood vessel. I walked away having told him to not speak to me like that again and that he was a fucking arsehole! Didn’t make me feel any better though. Fog’s chatting later so I’m going to have a few beers right now (just gone 8pm) - I feel like throwing caution to the wind for some reason (probably work more than anything else).

Day 95: Typing on Day 96. I had a lot of beers with Fog the night before last and felt like shit all day yesterday. Still managed to drag myself up to Foggy’s and have socially distanced beers in his garden with Noel and Lord Irish of Michael.

Day 96: Feeling like shit. Third day of no walking ‘cos my ankle is a little sore although I did walk back from Foggy’s last night.

Day 97: Two walks and my usual stair climb today. Felt good to get back to routine. Plus, no booze yesterday, even tho’ it was a Saturday, feel better for it. I heard from Sue Cockings from HR on Friday, btw, still furloughed until further notice.

Day 98: I discovered, yesterday, that today is actually day 99 of lockdown since it actually begun on the Sunday evening that Boris Johnson announced the measures being in place - I mistakenly thought it began on the Monday. Tumblr still haven’t got back to me regarding reviewing why this blog is deemed ‘sensitive’ and I can’t add any more pics. While I am typing, Northampton are beating Exeter 0-2 at Wembley in the L2 play-off final. It’s funny that their fans can’t be there to see it. Football, in general, on its return after lockdown, without fans in attendance, is shit - like watching women’s football - too many empty seats.

Day 100: I have decided to number the days correctly (See prev’ entry). It’s a good time as I had to export , delete and recreate this blog on Tumblr since they have been non-forthcoming in my request for info as to why they deemed it ‘sensitive’. So, this is a restart, altrough seemless to the reader. On top of all that, I am writing this on Day 101! After restarting the blog diary I forgot to add the day’s entry! Bumped into Roger on my second walk, at the top of Basset Ford Place. We chatted for an hour or so. It was really good to see him and talk. We’ve made a promise to interact more...it seems both he and I allow ourselves to get down in the dumps (easy in self-isolation) and, as such, we shall try to reach out as and when. He suggested a walk together every now and then.

Day 101: I heard back from a charitable services company that Barry Haddon (who, coincidentally, I spoke with today) told me about (Auriga)and answered their email questions. BNarry rates them and told me they got him some decent results like he no longer has to pay Council Tax. I tweeted Chris Hawkes on Radio 6 this morning...he was asking for examples of sames names (’cos he had Dave Gorman on) so I told him about The Redlion and the ad the ‘other’ Tim put in the ET. He read it out! I created a photo album of 101 pics I’ve taken in lockdown and put it on FB including the Oundle Chatter group. The comments were great. My right eyesight is worrying, I cannot make out close up detail i.e. reading is blurred. I am going to start doing 10 press ups after each exercise i.e. three times a day. I decided that during my second walk so today I’ve done 20. Lastly, I have new neighbours I do believe. Hmmm.

Day 102: Emailed dad and Rita to have a rant about what dad thought of the Leicester lockdown and to share a link to my 101 photo album. Had a long Messenger chat with Rog.

Day 103: Typing this on day 104. Dad called when I was out ona  walk so we skyped when I got back. He looks really well! Advided me on how to cutt some branches that are hanging low (I asked him in the email yesterday). I then borrowed a saw, secateurs and green bin from Karen. I walked a long way today. My second walk was 9km.I then had loads of beers! The Co-Op car park seems to be the venue for youngsters to hang out. I was gone 2am before they finished partying. I (re)watched Steve Jobs. Wow....just wow. What a film and what a man!

Day 104: It was gone 1:30pm when I got up feeling the worse for wear. A chilli, chorizo and cheese omelette really sorted me out but no beer tonight. How my Saturday frame of mind has changed from just a few years ago. Elliot and Camilla dropped off a jar of japaenos (that Mil had WhatsApp’d me about) and, among other things, we chatted about a photo Tracie Garrett circulated featuring Ell, me her and a few others who met up to have a drink at The Haycock for Ron Gambling. In it was Cath and someone called Ross (who I don’t remember) who have both passed since the pic (July ‘99). I feel strangely saddened by it all. The pic itself is such a reminder of days past - it conjours up shit loads of different feelings.

Day 105: A few beers again last night so another late one (5ish) but up before noon. Finished watching a series called Condor. Pretty good - bit of a messy ending that is the norm with telly nowadays in that it is a little bit of a cliffhanger.

Day 106: The Ship reopened today. I left a nice message on the Virtual Pub group page wishing them the best plus said thanks to Rach. I think it will be the end of the laugh we’ve had on the virtual site now. I expect to go through a bit of a miserabel time with people now venturing out down the pubs.We were once all united in lockdown - that will no longer be the case. Met Rog for a walk - did over 7km oncluding through Barnwell Picnic Park - I don’t remember it being that pretty. defo going to go there again. Got an email from RCI asking for all furlough workers to join a Zoom meeting tomorrow with Paul (MD) and Deryn (HR). Ominous! Went shopping in Asda and Farm Foods. £100 with NO BOOZE!

Day 107: The zoom call today didn’t tell me much other than we are being furloughed still, until further notice. It was susggested that we have a zoom meeting every 2 weeks and that RCI recognise we’ve be left out in the cold somewhat. I appreciate that very much.There were 30 of us on the call plus Paul and Deryn were in the office since they had to make peopel redundant today. Mark was in the office earlier to take receivership of the IT kits from those that left.

Day 108: I am well on the way to doing 1,000,000 steps in theree months (July, August & September) but at what cost. I’ve done well over 11,000 steps each day in July (actually, a lot of days in June as well) apart from one (8k) and I am feeling it. My right leg/ankle is sore! Day 109: I had another mention by Chris Hawkins on Radio 6. He asked for Brian May moments - apparently when he met Brian May he was so starstruck that all he could say was ‘thank you for the music’. I tweeted my story of telling Felicity Kendall to have a good life. Today, both my walks have resulted in me getting fucking soaked. Hanna S2 is on Amazon Prime. Time for yet another free trial (number 4 or 5).

Day 110: I have walked 144,448 steps in 10 days, well on the way to a million steps in three months. The Heist of the Century - an Argentinian film based on true events - watched it last night (well, over two nights, actually). A real life Ocean’s Eleven (but with 6). Brilliant film, brilliat story. I had issues signing up to another Amazon Prime free trial last night so I set up another gmail a/c just now and I think I’m in. I used Danny’s Gmail (which I created over 15 years ago!) and it didn’t like it - I think I must have used it before. I reckon I have probably had loads more free trials than I care to remember. Anyway, off to watch me some Hanna!

Day 111: Very tired as I type. Bed at around 5am, up at 13:30, normal exercises, cleaning kitchen cupbaords and I’m done in. It’s 10:30pm now, just cracked open a beer and about to watch a new Netflix film “The Old Guard”. I would continue with Hanna but Amazon Prime keeps fucking erroring. I will try to go to bed before it gets light (which seems to be my w/e norm nowadays!

Day 112: I have got into the habit of eating dinner far too late. It’s 10:30pm as I type and I am just about to have something eat. I’m not sure why I feel it’s wrong to eat so late but I do, I shall be trying to address it. Late night again last night (gone 4:30am) so today was a lazy day. Only on ewalk but it was 10km and I get up the above 11,000 steps needed for the 1m challenge. My stair climb, at around 9pm, fucking killed.

Day 113: Boring Monday.

Finished watching The Old Guard on Netflix. A Highlander-esque affair with Charlize Theron kicking ass like she did in Atomic Blonde. It was OK. Haven’t manage to lick the late night eating. It’s 10:05pm and tea’s still cooking.

Day 114: I have been looking at planning persmissions on the ENDC site for questions posed on the Oundle Chatter group on FB. There’s going to be two sites with 130 new houses on each and it’s causing concern. And so it should - the planning docs are very revealing. Objections are dismissed in such an off-hand way. It’s really quite insulting. I was awfully down today, during my first walk. I mean, really despondant (too difficult to describe here), which is a lower version of the norm - it’s been a good couple of weeks since anyone’s even asked how I am! A week since that post on my main blog. But, I powered through and am back to the usual depth! I ate at @9:30 pm tonight. Told ya!

Day 115: I am typing this on Day 116 - I ended up hainga  couple of beers last night and forgot to post. I had the most ridiculous toing and froing on FB and Messenger with Rachel (Harris) - it was piss funny. She is the first person in days, actually weeks, who has asked how I am! I watched ep3 of Hanna S2. Absolutely superb. She kills Marissa! Did not see that fucker coming...mind blown! Day 116: I have finally finished the thorough clean of the kitchen. Fucking drama. I am typing at just gone 10pm, about to eat (curry I made yesterday). It’s been a strange day, timings wise, last night’s drinking meant I wasn’t up until just gone noon which obviously didn’t help. I had a call from DSM group - I applied for an IT tech role, they want to see me tomorrow (Friday) for an interview (in Sibson). Interesting! (Although the contact, Helen, hasn’t sent the promised email!)

Day 117: Despite not getting a confirmation email, I attended the interview at DSM. It went OK (I was there for 90 mins). I went booze shopping in Tesco’s afterwards. Spoke to dad today also - he and Rita are well, as usual! I am feeling really knackered and achy today. I do hope it’s not anything to worry about.

Day 118: Up at 1pm. 9.79 km walk. Cooking meatballs, drinking beer, listening to The Blaze about to watch Deepwater Horizon. All good today!

Day 119: Similar to yesterday, up late, bloody long walk, watching Saving Private Ryan (which I started last night).

Day 120: Typing on day 121. Received an email from someone that works at the BBC for Shaun Keaveny’s show - they want me to do small claims court on August 5th. I’m becoming obsessed with getting my steps in - my second walk was extended to round Barnwell Country Park - over 17.5k steps - not the most I’ve done in one day but, for example, most in one day last month (June) was 14.7k. More importantly, I am finding that I can walk further (and for longer) and not have a hypo; not a great deal further, but over an hour.

#diary #Tumblr diary #lockdown #covid19 #lockdownuk

[mystic-head-canons]

i wanna request that HC with Mc almost leaving s/o (the one in your masterpost)

Yoosung

I already wrote something very similar to this over here, and it’s pretty much the best idea I had for Yoosung

The other option I wrote out was something that Yoosung wouldn’t actually do, so deleted it

Jaehee

Jaehee was working herself too hard

She hadn’t taken a break since they’d opened the café

MC manages to convince Jaehee to take a day off with her and close cafe early so that they can go see Zen’s musical together

However, a few days before their evening out, Jaehee books a private event at the cafe when the play is supposed to start

They argue about it because Jaehee thinks it will be a great chance to promote the cafe, but MC says Jaehee promised and needs some time away from work

In the end, they just pout at each other and don’t speak for a little while

MC goes to the musical alone and no, she’s not being stubborn, Jaehee is!

After the play, Zen asks MC to come backstage so she can ask about Jaehee, but MC explains everything that happened

Zen agrees to go with her to the cafe to talk to Jaehee during the private event, as he wants to see her as well (he likes hanging out with the two of them)

When they arrive, the party is in full swing, someone tries to force them out because “it’s a private event”, but before MC can state she’s a co-owner, a guest recognizes Zen and says they’re with her

MC goes to find Jaehee and sees her being kissed by another woman

Granted, it’s on the cheek, but it took forever for Jaehee to get comfortable with PDA from MC

So MC turns around and walks out to go home and cry

The next day, MC proposes they break up before the cafe opens and anyone else is there, even saying she found all the documents online to give/sell her half of the cafe to Jaehee

Jaehee is very quick to stop this line of thinking and the two of them have a long, serious talk about all their problems

Jaehee ends up agreeing to take one day off a month to go on a date with MC, but only if MC will help her rake in more customers with events and such

Zen

It’s their one year anniversary of being married

In months leading up to it, Zen made a bigger deal of it than she did

Not to mention, Valentine’s Day and Christmas were his favorite holiday and he’d gone all out for those every single time

And not only does Zen forget

But he goes out drinking after work with a few cast mates

He even makes a post inviting fans to come hang out with them

He’s posting things on his FB page, twitter and Instagram the whole time

MC had made a nice dinner to surprise him when he got home, but when she saw his social media, she goes on the Messenger and cries

She ends up packing a bag and is getting into a cab to go Jaehee’s place for a little while (she was sweet enough to offer her couch if MC needed some time away)

Zen comes home right about then, a little too drunk, and asks where she’s going

“Check the Messenger.” Is all she says before she slams the door

Zen goes inside and sees and…. fuck. Fuck. FUCK!!!

How could he have been such a jerk!!

He sees the beautiful meal she made, the remnants of candles, and so on, and he’s fucked up, royally

When he gets a notification that MC is online, he jumps on, interrupting a conversation between her and Jumin about the furball

Immediately, she logs off

In the morning, he goes to work, he does what he has to, then he goes to Jaehee’s.

Jaehee lets him in because she wants him to apologize to MC (who had been crying a lot because of him)

He swears it’ll never happen again

He begs forgiveness

He even promises to give her a whole day, just for her, if only she’ll come home

She agrees, but only just barely, and even then, she refuses to share the bed with him

Zen immediately calls his director, claims to be sick and says he needs a day off

He sleeps on the floor next to the couch because he refuses to be away from her until she forgives him

He takes her on a long, romantic date, treats her like more than a princess, when people ask what the occasion is, he tells the truth; he forgot their first anniversary and is making it up to her

They first shame him, then they give him advice or free stuff to help (or they just give it to her with a sad, “oh honey, I’m so sorry he forgot.”)

Halfway through the day, she says that being mad at him is exhausting and she just want to go home and take a nap

He refuses because he promised her a day and now he plans to make it a day

When they’re stoped in the park by some of his fans, he excuses himself from them, politely stating he’s on a date with his wife

The girls “awwwww” because it’s super cute how enamored with her he is

By the time they get home, she’s exhausted and can’t believe he packed so much into one day

But it doesn’t end there

He draws her up a bubble bath (and joins her after setting something up)

And when they get out, he has candles lit in their bedroom

Love making ensues

The morning, she aches in all the right ways, and is surprised when Zen drags her back into bed when she tries to get up to eat, and whispers that because he had so much fun yesterday, he called out sick today too

But this time, he plans on them staying home all day ;)

Jumin

One of Jumin’s high society “friends” says that MC is “kind of plain” and “surprisingly uncultured” and “clumsy”

To Jumin’s face

MC knows she can be clumsy, but it genuinely wasn’t her fault she bumped into that guy and spilled her drink on him

Hell, she’s heard comments like this before, and she’s honestly not even really bothered by them

Until Jumin agrees with him

She walks out of the party without saying a word, is driven back to the pent house and packs up her things

Anything Jumin has bought her with his money, she throws in the garbage

She ends up with a surprisingly small backpack from her high school days

She writes a note, “Since I’m so uncultured, I didn’t know the proper protocol for this, so I’m sorry if it’s not to your tastes. But I am leaving. I won’t tell you where I’m going. Hopefully the absence of my plain face won’t bother you.”

To her surprise, Elizabeth blocks her way and won’t let her leave the penthouse

She manages to get past Elizabeth eventually, but by then she has 10 missed calls from Jumin, 1-5 from the other RFA members, and bumps into Jumin in the lobby on her way out

He’s so relieved she’s okay, but MC fibs to him and says her mother is in the hospital and she needs to go visit right away, and she wants to go alone

He allows this because he knows how stubborn and independent she can be

When she’s in the car, she reads the messages, finds out that Jumin noticed her absence near-immediately and went looking for her

When he couldn’t find her, he panicked

He and the RFA all assumed that she had been kidnapped

She ends up actually just going to her mothers, and once Driver Kim has left, she goes to a hotel to stay the night

As soon as she’s checked in, she gets a call from Jumin demanding to know where she is. He refuses to lose her.

“Maybe next time, pick someone better suited to you,” she says. “Some one beautiful and graceful and refined. Like maybe Sarah.” Then she hangs up.

He calls her all through the night, although she shut her phone off pretty quickly

In the morning, she listens to his messages as he gets increasingly more desperate, even breaking down into tears at some point

After breakfast is delivered to her room, she gets a call from 707, who starts speaking so frantically, she can’t understand him

What he boils it down to is, “Thank god you turned on your phone, Jumin paid me a lot of money to track you down, and I can’t fail him. I have to fill up my babies with premium~”

This whole conversation happens while she’s eating

Then there’s a knock on the door as she finishes her food

With a piece of toast hanging out of her mouth and 707 still on the phone in her hand, she answers the door to three security guards and Jumin

The toast falls out of her mouth

Jumin forces himself inside the room, shuts the door, and grabs her phone

“Thank you, Luciel, the money will be wired to you by the end of the day.”

Jumin then hangs up and throws the phone across the room

He then grabs MC and kisses her

When he pulls away, she sees how bedraggled he looks. He’s still wearing the same suit form the night before, it’s wrinkled and his hair is a mess

He begs her never to leave him again

He apologizes a million times, telling her she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever met and that he was barely even paying attention to what that man said, he didn’t even realize until it was too late

He loves her too much to lose her

MC ends up realizing she hurt him just as much as he hurt her and apologizes for leaving like that, for saying the things she did, it was unfair

After holding each other for a little while, Jumin declares he’s going to take a day off of work, and they are going to stay in this hotel room until the next day

MC just rolls her eyes at this, but sure, fine, whatever

Saeyoung

He’d been acting… distant

Of course, part of it was because he was keeping an eye on Saeran, who was having a really bad stream of episodes

More than once, Saeran had lashed out at one or both of them

It didn’t help that Saeyoung was trying really hard to get out of the spy life and was doing his best to keep hackers away from them

MC did the best she could not to be a burden on him since he had so much on his plate

If MC was around, she’d help around the house by cleaning, making decent meals for the brothers, making sure they at least tried to eat, and so on

One day, however, Saeyoung snaps at MC that he’s fine, he doesn’t need her to put on a show and he just needs her to leave

When she comes back a few hours later with food and note with a joke on it, he’s still frustrated and says he told her to get out

So MC says goodbye to Saeran and goes home

She stops texting him good morning and good night at this point

At first, he just assumes she forgot, no big deal, that or she’s mad at him

Goes on for three days, then he realizes he’s hungry and Saeran almost sets fire to the kitchen trying to cook with some of the ingredients MC bought and left behind

Saeyoung cooks, but its not as good

He goes to check on MC at her apartment, only to find all the cameras are taped over, so he has to go in person

When he gets there, MC refuses to open the door

When Saeyoung asks why, she informs him that, she’s been trying her best to take care of him and Saeran, but Saeyoung continues to push her away

After everything they’ve been through, and he’s still pushing her away

Saeran really isn’t the best company, either, but she doesn’t blame him for that

When Saeyoung told her he didn’t need her, that he didn’t want her, MC decided that, if that’s what he thought would make him happy, she’d listen

He doesn’t need to see her again

Guess who’s begging for forgiveness through her apartment door?

Saeyoung just starts apologizing uncontrollably, saying he didn’t mean it, he loves her, needs her, Saeran needs her totally doesn’t almost ruin the apology by saying that they really need her to cook because Saeran can’t, and he’s not very good

Eventually MC lets him in and they hug and kiss and make up

MC also starts teaching Saeran to cook so there aren’t anymore… incidents

soon Saeran is a better cook than she is, but he doesn’t let Saeyoung have any when he “acts weird” and more often than not, if he goes to deliver food to his brother, he dumps the plate on the table in such a way that some of the food usually goes flying

#mystic messenger #mysme #mystic messenger headcanon #mystic messenger zen #mystic messenger yoosung #mystic messenger v #Yoosung kim #saeyoung choi #saeran choi #jaehee kang #mystic messenger jaehee #jumin han #mystic messenger jumin #mystic messenger saeyoung #hyun ryu #jihyun kim

[natural--trash]

Tag thing, wanted to do it for some time but now im at my comp and stuff so uh yeah anyways

Rules: once you’ve been tagged you’re supposed to write a post with eighty-two truths and then tag twenty-five people

I was tagged by @fluffyliontae

Name: tsu (just call me that, or susu or smth yknow)

Blood type: A-

Nickname(s): susu, mym

R/s: single

Zodiac Sign: libra

Pronouns: eh whatever, on some days its he > she > they but it can also be a diff order so yeah seriously whatever floats your boat

Favorite TV Shows: W - Two Worlds (same), a Persona 5 anime could be one of them but there’s none

Long or short hair: long

Height: 162cm or so

Do you have a crush on someone: romantic none, aesthetic ones? squishes? hoo boy

What do you like about yourself: my eyes, that cute scar on my hand

Right or left handed: right

List of three favorite colors: too many, i mostly like colour combos, but light blue, black and #540003 i guess

RIGHT NOW

Eating: nothing, i had brownie ritter sport a bit earlier tho

Drinking: water

I’m about to: draw

Listening to: Believer - Imagine Dragons

Kids: 0

Get married: nah

Career: I want money

MOST RECENT

Drink: water

Phone call: i think my uncle??

Song you listened to: before Believer there’s Bonfire on my spotify playlist but rn its Queen by History

HAVE YOU EVER

Dated someone twice: nah

Been cheated on: thats a long story

Kissed someone and regretted it: dont think so

Lost someone special: hmm

Been depressed: yeah

Been drunk and thrown up: never drunk alcohol

Kissed a stranger: nope

Had glasses or contacts: yeah

Had sex on the first date: nope

Broken someone’s heart: not that im aware of it

Turned someone down: kinda??

Cried when someone died: yeah

Fallen for a friend: im aro, that doesnt work

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

Made a new friend: yes

Fallen out of love: no

Laughed until you cried: yes

Met someone who changed you: mhhh dont think so?

Found out who your true friends were: kinda (I’m sorry that I’m always answering like this omg)

Found out someone was talking about you: cant remember

Kissed someone on your fb list: i dont use fb

WHICH IS BETTER

Lips or eyes: eyes

Hugs or kisses: hugs

Shorter or taller: taller

Romantic or spontaneous: platonic

Sensitive or loud: sensitive

Hookup or relationship: friendship

Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

FIRST

Best friend: have conatct with both or them but we’re not as close? although I still don’t mind lying/rolling around on his floor

Surgery: does removing my wisdom teeth count? (does it?)

Sport: swimming (I wish I hadn’t stopped)

Vacation: Turkey

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

Yourself: depends on the day (same)

Miracles: yeah

Love at first sight: i dont rly believe in romantic love, but other than that yeah has flashbacks to when x impulse bought a ps vita

Heaven: i want to

EXTRAS

How many people from your fb list do you know irl: i still dont use fb

Do you have any pets: i used to have a duck

Do you want to change your name: yeah kinda i’d prefer something gender neutral

What did you do for your last birthday: i played video games at home bc i have no friends

What time did you wake up today: idk, fell asleep again

What were you doing last night at midnight: internet

Something you can’t wait for: when i move out

Last time you saw your mom: some minutes ago

What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: how my brain is sometimes

Have you ever talked to a person named tom: yeah, had a classmate with that name

What’s getting on your nerves: loud noises in the morning, often ppl i dont consider as friends

instructions: You can tell a lot about a person by the type of music they listen to. Put your music on shuffle and list the first 10 songs, then tag 10 people. No skipping.

(should i do the whole thing?? ok lemme get my phone pls note that i havent gotten the p5 ost yet)

Obtained a Berry! - DP OST

actually there comes some more Nintendo OST

Awake -BTS

Young Forever (unplugged ver) - BTS

crow tit (jpn) - bts

Mein Block - Sido

We don’t talk anymore - Jungkook

a song i do not remember what it was

Faint - Linkin Park

La la La - naughty boy

i think its time to make a new playlist bc i dont listen to some pop songs anymore

so uh yeah the whole thing it is

5 things you’d find in my bag:

tissues, a shit ton

wallet

probably some paper

charger

phone

5 things you’d find in my bedroom:

desk

clothes

stuffed animals

bed

my computer

5 things i always wanted to do in life:

Travelmore

Get a job i love

Own a cat

Get a life I like

Have ppl I’m close with that are not far away

5 things i’m currently into:

video games

persona 5, fire emblem heroes (they deserve their own point)

kpop

art

ummm edgesthetic?

5 things on my to do list:

go to a BTS concert

get a part time job

learn Japanese and perhaps Korean and get better at French

visit all the countries I still want to go to

get better at drawing

5 things people may not know about me:

I would love to study video game development but I’m too scared of what’s after that plus there’s no way I’ll get accepted hahaha

i love min yoongi and his mixtape bc he idk he helped me think that maybe not everything in my life will be shitty later and that maybe I’ll be able to be happy one day

I’m currently in a more down phase

i have problems with my sense of reality

i have a cute scar on my hand

Top 10 BTS Songs Tag:

  House Of Cards (Full Length Edition)

  House Of Cards [OUTRO]

  Good Day

No order from here on

4. I NEED U (Japanese Ver.) 5. FOR YOU 6. 쩔어 (Dope) 7. 등골브레이커 (Spine breaker) 8. 24/7 = Heaven 9. Blood Sweat & Tears 10. Not Today

I have time

10 groups/artists you like besides Kpop/liked before Kpop:

nqrse ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎

Fall Out Boy

Panic! at the Disco

DAOKO ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎

Casper

Die Ärzte

I think that’s it

DAT ADAM

uhh I liked Abingdon Boys School at some point

idk the old Sido songs aint bad?

10 favorite non-kpop songs:

ダイスキ - DAOKO

BANG! - DAOKO

Das Grizzly Lied - Casper

パラサイト(Parasite) - nqrse feat.まふまふ,luz  

ECHO - まふまふ (mafumafu) feat.nqrse

p much any song sung by nqrse im sorry im trash hmu and ill link you some good stuff

Believer - Imagine Dragons

Bonfire - Felix Jaehn, ALMA

Die Vergessenen 1/2 - Casper

omg i totally forgot about OSTs Toberu Mono from The Last Stiry, too much from Persona 5 liek Beneath the Mask, Last Surprise etc

10 favorite movies:

i don’t watch enough :c

10 favorite tv shows, including anime & cartoons:

W - Two Worlds

Acchi Kocchi

Psycho Pass

I’m giving up

10 things you enjoyed before kpop/enjoy besides kpop, that won’t fit in the lists above:

music

art

video games

esp atlus n nintendo games!!

cute soft stuffed animals

flight rising

sarma

collecting cute key charms

collecting cute things in general

dancing

ten tag last movie you watched: i dont know

last song you listened to:  that one song mentioned above by Daoko

last show you watched: I Hear Your Voice

last book you read: Der Vorleser by Bernhard Schlink, don’t read it

last thing you ate: chocolate

if you could be anywhere in the world right now where would you be: Tokyo

when would you time travel to: itll be spontaneous

first thing you would do with lottery money: buy a loft

character you would hang out with for a day: P5 Protagonist

time right now: 23:52

the ‘or’ tag

build a snowman with v OR have a snowball fight with j-hope

get coffee with suga OR get ice cream with suga

go to the cinema with jimin OR the amusement park with jungkook

do a dance cover with j-hope OR sing a duet with jin

kiss rap monster OR cuddle suga

babysit with jimin OR dogsit with v

meet j-hope’s family OR have v meet your family

film a commercial with j-hope OR film a sketch with v

hug jimin OR hold hands with jungkook

go to paris with jin OR go to london with suga (sorry been to paris already)

film a drama with jin OR do a photo shoot with rap monster

attend an award show with rap monster OR wear couple t-shirts at the airport with jungkook

spend a lazy day with suga OR explore a city with j-hope

fall asleep next to jimin OR wake up next to jungkook

make up a silly rap with v OR a silly choreography with jin

have a fun picnic with j-hope OR a fancy date with jin

have jungkook serenade you OR have v sing you to sleep

have a dance party with j-hope OR sing karaoke with suga

go camping with jimin and v OR go to the beach with rap monster and suga

cook with jin AND bake a cake with jimin

have a sleepover with the hyung line OR a birthday party with the maknae line

celebrate halloween with jungkook, suga, v and j-hope OR christmas with rap monster, jimin and j-hope

rules: answer the questions with the first letter of your name, then tag 10 people. If the person who tagged you has the same initial, you must use different answers. you cannot use the same word twice.

What is your name? - Tsu

A four letter word? - text

A boy’s name? - Tom

An occupation? - tailor

Something you wear? - t-shirt

A color? - turquoise

A food? - tomato

Something you find in the bathroom? - toilet

A place? - Tokyo

A reason for being late? - traffic

Something you shout? - yells

A movie title? - something that starts with “the”

Something you drink? - tea

An animal? - turtle

A type of car? - tesla

Title of a song? - Tage wie diese - die toten hosen

I’m,,, maybe later @mama-kisu @metroid-fr (you can do the non kpop stuff) eh whoever wants i guess

#upgraded trash

[dorianpavus]

WELL FOLKS sorry i haven’t been around i’ve been super busy with work!!! here’s some updates!!!!

work updates!! d&d updates (the irl campaign, not the internet one)!!!

work life has been.... really rough the past few days!!!!!! like. damn. i’ve made some great friends at work (one of my friends was saying how he thinks i was like Meant To Be In His Life and he says he’s never met anyone as Good as me or as Unique as me and while i don’t agree i’m so honored and happy he thinks so u know he’s wonderful!!!! gosh!!!)

buuuuuuuuut.... like ok. i was scheduled for a clopen shift last night and today. so like, 4pm-12ish and then 8:00am-4ish, which i was already pretty bummed about. and then i found out that the person who was supposed to do the Operator shift (which involves a lot of work) the day before me color coded the hangers instead of.......... doing her job............. on a saturday............................. so i had to do an entire weekend’s worth of work this morning. and i knew that was coming, and i was already like GOD. WHY. a clopen and this?

but then saturday night, last night... there’s a new closing manager. he just got promoted. i didn’t know anything about him really, but i’d heard my team say how much they all hated him just from working with him in the past, and i guess he was brand new at the management position and Really Fucking Intense because he wanted everything to be perfect. but like i was focused in my areas and making them look super good (even on a saturday night which isn’t easy lol), except for like the diaper aisle which is always a little messy bc it gets ransacked. but i had put everything away and it looked like... fine lol. and the infants food aisle has been messy for like months bc it would take hours alone to fix so like.... no one ever has hours just to clean it. so it stays that way and has been that way 5ever. we keep it as clean as we can but like... it’s not Perfect looking. not bad, but not Perfect, and that’s the way it literally ALWAYS IS.

WELL. the new manager is from a different department and he has NEVER been over in my department. until now. and at the end of the night after the store closed he came running over and was like absolutely frantic and angry and was like WHO HAD INFANTS????????????? and i was like, um... me? very confused? and he was like, in front of everyone as we’re about to clock out, DID YOU NOT FINISH WTF HAPPENED?????? WHY IS IT SUCH A MESS?????

and i was really confused cause my area was like. pristine. and i even finished early and helped out in another area of the store. like. what???? so i thought maybe a customer had spilled something as they were leaving the store and i had somehow missed it? so as everyone else leaves he forces me to go back to infants with him and he’s like pointing at some of the diapers that are like. slightly askew or not Perfectly Straight and he’s like yelling at me like “WTF!!!!! DOES THIS LOOK DONE TO YOU?????????”

and i’m just looking at him in utter confusion cause like.... he has CLEARLY never ever worked softlines, lmao. but i was like in my head, honestly? yes, it does? like it could be zoned a little more, definitely!! but it’s not like... bad looking at all? at all? like my main boss from my department walked my areas all night and she said they looked good, so idk wtf he was on, but he was FREAKING OUT. because he was just promoted, and so he needed everything to be like factory-perfect because he wanted to look good in front of the store manager, who he’s super intimidated by.

well. lol. i was being super nice to him, and letting him yell at me, and like, “yeah, of course! this should be neater, i’m sorry, it was really busy tonight and i didn’t get to spend as much time back here as i would have liked.” which is true. like 98% of my areas were pristine, and 2% were average. lmao, so i still did a great job, but i was trying to be sympathetic to the fact that he was new and nervous and wanted to make a good impression, even if he was kind of treating me like crap. so i let him keep me at work after everyone else left and helped tidy up those two aisles that he was sooooo upset about, and then he had me leave and go do some of his work for him up at the front. and i was standing up there really upset that he had yelled at me over nothing and then made me stay at work alone and do his work for him when one of the other managers saw me up there as she was leaving and she was like ?????? katie???????// what are you doing here?????????????

and i was like “soandso is having me do this for him...” and she was like WTF!!! get outta here!!!!! go home clock out u don’t have to do that. like leave!!!!!

so i did, and i got home and was kind of upset still (i cried like the second i left the store lol) and was like pretty glum about it all (and dreading my opening shift that was now less than 8 hours away with a whole weekend’s worth of work waiting for me, yay!!!).... and then i couldn’t sleep. like i couldn’t sleep that night so i just DIDN’T SLEEP AT ALL. AT. ALL. not for a minute. before i had to go back to the store.

so i get there in the morning, and i’m trying really hard to be positive and put that behind me. like, that was last night, you’re tired af but you can do this katie!!!!!! it’s ok!!!! you got this!!! and i actually started to cheer up because i was BLAZING through all my piles of work and like........... got all of it done and it was making me super happy that i had singlehandedly caught my department back up to speed and everything.... and i was just like i’m good!!!!!!! i got this!!!!!!!! 

......... and then at 2:30pm my sorta-boss came in. a lower ranking boss, the one who had been there with me the night before and had confirmed that there hadn’t been anything wrong with my areas, CERTAINLY nothing warranting the new manager’s hysterics. and she was like omg katie..... he is TELLING EVERYONE, like ALL THE HIGHER UPS, that my area was a DISASTER last night and saying how he had to stay late and clean it all up (not mentioning that i stayed and helped him tilt diaper boxes so they were perfectly aligned in my area since that was sooooo~~~ terrible~~~~, or how i did his job stuff for him, lmao), and saying how i had apparently told him i “don’t zone HBA” as in i literally supposedly told my boss that i never do my job???????????? because that is completely believable????????

but the worse part is is that a bunch of the store managers believed him. lol. even though he’s literally fabricating things i said and exaggerating and twisting this situation just to make himself look good. over something super fucking insignificant... and when my boss came up to bat for me and was like WHAT?????????? her areas were fine i checked them myself!!!!!!!!! and he had her stay and tidy it up anyway with him too, it’s not like she left and he had to clean up some imaginary mess of hers!!!! and she helped him do his stuff!!!!! and she would neeeeeeever have said that, and i asked her, and she swears she didn’t anyway!!!!!!!

and i was like... <333333 thank u!!!!!!!! but the other store manger she was defending me to was like... in one ear and out the other. and all, like, “well, soandso said that she said that. so she must have.” despite everything that my boss was saying to defend me. and pointing out that he was LITERALLY LYING. like 2 ppls words against his, but he’s the higher ranking manager, so clearly he’s telling the truth. ughhhhhh.

well when i found out that he was telling my whole place of employment that i was apparently terrible at my job and a terrible person who doesn’t give a fuck about my job here i got pretty upset!!! especially after no sleep!!! and i hadn’t had anything to eat all day!!! like actually nothing!! so like it’s towards the end of my shift and i start like tearing up hiding in the room adjacent to the fitting room and trying to get myself to calm down...

and then my friend (the one who said those nice things 2 me, the security guard i love so much!!!) came by and he was like WHY ARE YOU CRYING??????? and like super upset that i was upset, and he was trying to calm me down/figure out what was wrong/help but it was so so embarrassing to be crying in front of him godddddd, like AT WORK crying. jesus.

and then another coworker of mine saw me crying too. and now another coworker of mine just messaged me on FB saying he heard about everything and he’s furious on my behalf (which i’m really happy there’s ppl on my side here and some people believe me...) and stuff but i’m like 100% positive the fact that i was crying has probably made its way around work which i’m just... so humiliated by

god. i have tomorrow off work so i’m looking forward to not being there because it’s kind of making me miserable right now. like who does that!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the area looked fucking fine, why are you trying to make this huge thing and throw me under the bus just for.. what? to make yourself look like... a self-sacrificing person? a leader who will do anything for the store? idk. it’s so shitty!!!!

but whatever. :(

i was also SUPER SUPER tired cause after work i had to run home and go straight into my first d&d session, like our actual playing!!!

and omg!!!! omg friends it’s sooooo fuuuun!!!!! just.... i forgot all my exhaustion and bad work things and was just elated while i was playing. it’s the BEST. and i rolled like a million natural 20s and played super smart!!!!!!!!! asra is killin it!!!!!!!!!!! :3

anyway it’s now 2:47 am and despite like an accidental 10 minute nap i had on the couch when i got home from d&d  i’m still awake. it’s been so long since i slept lol???. and my brother bought me like an entire pizza to cheer me up???????? lmao. also cause i went like 24 hours without food which was..... bad. god. what a horrible no good dirty rotten day this was. except for d&d. d&d was amazing.

anyway. i’m gonna go put away my leftovers and pet my kitty and then watch critical role as i drift off. :) 

sorry i haven’t been around much!!! or posting much!! my dash has been pretty MIA lately too which doesn’t help. i’ll try and get a queue up and running. i love u all and i hope things are goin well in ur lives too!!! <333333333

#personal spam #work drama in here? but also happy d&d mentions lol so

[silentgirl13-blog1]

Silent Girl

So, it's probably taken me close to a year to have the balls to try and tell this story. Since the first incident, more has occurred. Today, as I was having dinner with my in-laws, I decided that I need to get this off my chest to a community of people who can either relate, feel my frustration, or even comment things I wish I could say.

It starts like this. I have been married about 3.5 years now. I moved away from home roughly 3 months after I got married to live with my husband, (who was in the Army) a few thousand miles away from our home town. The relationship that I had with his family was good. His mother didn't approve of the wedding at first, but his dad and step-mom did. They were full on supportive, and welcomed me with open arms. His mother didn't hate me, she just wasn't ready for her son to be married. She is very practical. I obviously was hurt, but she soon changed her tone. The problems started after maybe 2 years of being away from family. Because we were so far away, we became a bit secluded. We didn't text very often, due to time difference and schedules being completely unknown. They had two young kids, and by the time we were home from work, had dinner and relaxed, it was past the time we could contact them. We both had members of our family pass away. We were thankfully able to go home for the funerals, etc. I have really bad anxiety and depression. Being so far away, I kind of lost myself a little bit. Between losing my Aunt, my pet bunny passed away (hubby and I got him when we first started dating, but couldn't move with him, so my family kept him for me) and my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I was in a very very rough spot. My depression got so bad, I was put on medicine. The medicine helped for about 2 months, and then I started cutting due to the side effects. This went on for about 2 months before I told anyone. My husband was devastated. My mom, sister (who dealt with self-harm before) and dad supported me, scolded me, tried to get me to see that I needed further help. Fast forward a month. It's now the month of May, 2016. I posted a bit too many "dark memes" on facebook. I opened up too much, about my personal issues. I own up to that, and I have since then fixed those issues. So, I'm laying in bed with my cat, and take a selfie because he was being cute and cuddling me. 1. I'm sick with really bad allergies. 2. I am drugged up due to said allergies. 3. It's slightly dark and I'm not paying attention to the picture I post on FB. This picture turns out showing some of my cuts on my wrist. Now, I don't usually over analyze my photos because of self esteem issues, I just post them. A "family friend" who is dating my husbands best friend comments and asks if my cat scratched me. (BACKSTORY: When my husband left for the Army, he asked his dad to make sure his friend was okay. They clicked and so the best friend and his gf became really close, almost as surrogates for my husband and I) I click on the picture, see the cuts, and immediately delete the picture. I message her informing her that I removed the photo because I didn't realize the cuts were showing and that I was going through some things at the time. SHE BLEW UP ON ME. Told me that I was attention seeking, needed to get help, had been doing this for years, how dare I post on facebook knowingly about my self harm, and she needed to delete me off Facebook because I was depressing and bringing her down. I mean, okay. Fine. I get it. Completely uncalled for, but sure. What REALLY hurt me, was my father in law and his wife called my husband to yell at him, basically saying I wasn't pulling my weight, and needed to get my shit together. Then IGNORED me for a full month, only to text me a week before we went home for vacation to tell me that they didn't appreciate what I did and that we'd talk in person when we flew in. Yeah, that never happened. They pretended it never happened. And I am too much of a little bitch to start any sort of confrontation.

Okay, so that happened. We forgot about it. Now, let us fast forward to October, 2016. I flew home until early Dec. to try and figure out living arrangements for after Army. I wasn't very social with hubbys family because it was awkward, since they went out EVERY weekend with 'family friend girl'. SMIL (step mother in law) and her became almost inseparable. Mind you, there is probably a 15-20 year difference between them. They invited me out a few times, I had to decline. In November, my phone service was shut off and I never received an invite for my baby brother in laws bday. I saw on FB I missed it, and IMMEDIATELY messaged SMIL to apologize and explain. No answer. Okay. Saw them for Thanksgiving. Things were okay. I was told to never be a stranger because they want me around. Thought things were good. We've been back home (out of the Army) since Dec. 2016. We've been struggling to find work. Very sad, but also thankful that a situation happened and my parents needed to move out of their house, and someone to take over. My husband and I agreed. It's a free place, we can save money faster, and it helps my parents. My two younger siblings (19, 20) live here too. I'm 23, and my hubby is 24, btw. So, it's like having roommates. Anyways, so I posted during a nice day that I was going out with my siblings. I don't smile much due to a missing tooth. Just super self conscious about it. SMIL commented and told me to be happy I was still alive. The way she worded it definitely hit a nerve with me and all my facebook family. They commented, so I deleted so no drama would happen. (My family is VERY overprotective and dramatic) I texted SMIL and asked her if everything was okay. No answer. Texted again an HOUR later, said I didn't appreciate her being negative towards me. She finally responded to me, going off (meanwhile, 'family friend girl' is posting online about how negative people continue to do the same stuff. Meme directed towards me. I cried for probably an hour. I was told by SMIL, that I was negative and it was the same old same old with me. That I needed to stop bringing the family down on social media. They asked me and hubby to stop over. I agreed. WORST MISTAKE EVER. They called a 'family meeting'. Invited 'family friend', grandma and us. We get there, I'm sweating bullets, shaking, and want to vomit. They told me this was a long time coming. I sit down, and SMIL starts by saying, "So, I'm the bad guy here because I called $#%@$ out on Facebook about what we've all been thinking." I'm speechless. I literally stood there with my mouth open. She continues on about how the whole family is worried about hubby because I'm so negative and it affects the family name. People always ask what's wrong with me, and THE BEST:

"What has our son gotten himself into marrying you?"

Everyone basically told me that I'm the same old sob story, and that something had to change, or we had to go our separate ways.

Mind you, this is over a picture of me, enjoying the sun, but not smiling... I obviously said nothing, because I never do. My husband also didn't say anything because he also got scolded for being a working adult who also is trying to re instate himself into a world that isn't the ARMY.

Statement: We were told that if we feel replaced by "best friend" and "family friend", its because we left...

Actual fact: We got stationed 2000 plus miles away. I wasn't going to just leave my hubby there by himself for 4 years.

I think that's about all I have to say about the situation. Things are awkward, and when we get together, I try my best to put on the most fake smile for them. Because I love my husband, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure he has a relationship with his family.

Do I enjoy it? HELL NO. Does my family support my decision? Again, HELL NO. But what am I to do?

Sincerely, The Silent Girl

#depressing thoughts #personal shit #sucky family #hate #depression #worst in laws #shitty in laws #awful people #rude

[thisisastoryofheartache-blog]

It furthered. I thought I saw karma and I was wrong. Today, Paul had admitted complete defeat and that he’s living in agony. He showed how much of a narcissist he is by saying how upset he is with everyone around him because no one goes out of their way to check up on him. They don’t take him anywhere, buy him anything, talk to him everyday. The response was pretty bland. A few people tried to crack slight jokes, but Paul was being disrespectful to all. No one poked the bear any further publicly, but apparently Paul had an altercation with a close friend and ended the friendship shortly after.

I dont know forsure, but I think I may have had something to do with triggering this complete mental breakdown. I’m hosting a party for a product and I invited about 25 friends and included Paul. He had said not going and so I deckded to send a text. I asked if there was a reason and where he can buy the product elsewhere. His response: he’s too poor and mentally not doing well. That was when he had posted this long post about his mental breakdown.

I don’t feel great. I feel much like how I did when this 12 year old kid was calling my 6 year old son an asshole on the playground after I scolded the child. I felt justified, but bad for how they feel. I know the feeling of doing and saying terrible things and everyone being so mad at you. You want to reverse time. Paul deserves to feel this way for many reasons and I do feel bad he’s suffering. He made a lot of people upset with him because of this outburst today. He will learn. He is still young, younger than me by 3 years.

He said something interesting. This is the worst month of his life. Funny enough I had deleted my twitter and blog on August 6 and announced it on fb. My twitter and blog were solely created during the rough periods of feuding. They were created with the intent to say mean things about Paul and hope he read them. And he did. He read every single thing. He still claims his friend was constantly checking my things and sending it to him if I had mentioned Paul, but that’s obviously BS. Once I got rid of platforms that I’m only guessing he still regularly checked, he started spiraling out mentally. I was no longer publically giving him attention and I made it clear that I’m very happy. That’s the worst thing to happen to a narcissist. No longer feeling like someone is paying attention. It’s detrimental and after years of doing so and quitting cold turkey with no warning, it had dug up something fierce within Paul.

I was thinking esrlier about what I had thought of Paul in January: Cold, mean, distant to me, but overall happy with kids, but insanely anxious. Back then Paul’s anxiety was at its peak. I remember on thanksgiving he was shaking when we talked for literally 30 seconds. Come May and I thought Paul was doing a lot better than me which provoked a ton of motivation to start my journey into mentally unraveling myself. That’s when he got his permit and started to learn how to drive. I thought the game was over. I actually had my own little mental breakdown. I couldn’t believe that he was going to be driving on his own soon and able to actually live a fulfilling life. Even though I own my own car I was so jealous. He had never driven before and relied on his wife to drive him everywhere. Come June and our kids are in Tball together and that’s when I found my peace. It’s when we talked. It’s when I went to his house and hung out twice. I felt so much better about everything and I think he did too, but only temporarily. He grew distant not long after and eventually shut me out completely. By then he had only practiced driving 2 times. Today, that was all he has driven and there is no vision of when he’ll even practice again. My fear never came true and I don’t know when it will. I’ve had a few thoughts of maybe I should help him learn how to drive, but then I remember everything. And how he’d never ever help me out for anything, ever. I’m better off not offering help. In June, my opinion of Paul was he was an alright guy. He was funny and seems like he might actually be a decent parent, but I mean that’s his job. I thought maybe we could actually become good friends. For the first time ever, I saw how young he is and I saw him as a child. A sad, lost child who is just trying to make it. Paul bears so much anxiety and discomfort in life overall and is such a miserable creature. I know it’s because his dad left when he was 10. I know it’s because he became a dad at 15 and had 3 kids by 19. There’s some things Paul had complete control over, but there’s also things he had no control over. I feel bad for the ones he had no control over. That’s where I feel the most pity especially his father. No child in the entire world should have to go through that. I can guarantee if Paul’s dad never left and if he never had his first kid at 15 that I would NOT know him. Paul would probably be in college right now for writing at an actual university and most likely living on campus. I’m certain he would be going out every weekend with a healthy group of friends. He’d probably have the perfect girlfriend and tbh I know his life would be so fulfilling and happy if those 2 things never happened. That’s straight up depressing. Paul had met my sister in law when he was 17 and he told me they both decided they were ready then to have their first child together.... according to him it was no accident. After that child was born, his wife was pregnant again 3 months later with their 3rd child. Again, he said it was done on purpose. Idk if I believe it was done on purpose, but I do think he had children so young back to back to fill this void he already had in his heart. He adored the attention. He often talks about how when the boys were babies and his wife was pregnant how happy their life was and it’s because everyone cared then. Now, the boys aren’t babies. They all walk and eat with 0 assistance. Potty trained. They’re not babies, they’re kids. And now, Paul feels like his purpose of being the stay at home dad is completely compromised. Now, Paul will have only 1 child at home during the day once school starts. He’s freaked out. Next year at this time he will be getting ready to be home alone with no kids 5 days a week, 40 hours a week. He won’t have an excuse to hide behind his anxiety and I think that scares the fuck out of him.

See, this school year is significant for Paul. For the first time, there’s only 1 kid. That hasn’t happened since his first born was a small kid and he met his wife. Btw they got pregnant 3 months after meeting and it was planned at 17. And then there were no kids in school so everything was completely different. His first child with his wife starts school and this child still can’t talk. He is 4 and he can’t say sentences. He can’t really say words pronunciated at all and Paul has done NOTHING to help. He only says it’s because he was born premature and nothing further. No therapy or help or exercises. Nothing. The school had no clue what his kid is like and I think he’s going to see what the IEP world is like. I think he’s going to be really upset and cry for a ton of attention because I know his son that’s going into 2nd grade never dealt that. Another thing, he said his son was autistic after finding out mine is. I talked to my partners mom about Paul’s child and she said she had no clue her own grandchild was autistic. Paul claimed he told her but she probably forgot because she’s drunk all the time. She doesn’t forget. More BS. It doesn’t end, ever. Until now. Now it no longer bugs me. Instead I’m just watching him destroy himself.

I dont know when this madness will end between us. There’s always going to be some discord until Paul can pull away from being obsessed with himself for 2 seconds. We were both hard headed narcissists that fought so hard. This is all a part of whatever plan has decided for me and I’ve learned so much from it. I’m thankful for the feud. I hope one day Paul benefits from itnlike I did and he finds himself. I want the best for him. I want us to be able to hang out one day and be good friends. We have a lot of interests in common and I think we could be great friends, but that can’t happen until he grows up.