#I don’t even know anymore id like to feel something that isn’t blankness rage or fear

[manchesterau]

my thoughts after reading my policeman: SPOILERSS of course!! (ignore spelling or grammar mistakes) (this is very ramble-y and not as in depth as it could have been sorrryyy lol, if you want specifics send me an ask after reading this)

okay...so i read the book in 3 days....which....im very proud of myself bc it takes me so long to finish books but that’s not why you are reading this.

im not going to lie to you...i liked the book. i love angst, and this had plenty of it and i liked it. if you like books such as: harry potter, six of crows, red queen, red white and royal blue you will not like this book. i know many people found it boring, which yeah i can see that, but i didn't find it boring at all. but mostly because i love boring books but that's beside the point. 

the book flowed easily, there isn't a bunch of raunchy sex scenes that ive seen people say it has (i...the things ive read idk what book they even read????) and Tom does has backward views on marriage and what it means to be a wife. but he is not overtly sexist or misogynist or abusive, or subvertly those things either. to be frank he's a scared gay man in the 50s trying to not get caught and thrown in jail. that's literally it. (ill go more into detail on him later). but if you want to read this book i recommend you go in knowing that there will be homophobia (the word queer is used as a slur....3 times or 4 but no more than 5), expect outing, expect not supportive characters, and remember to have some compassion (more on this later).

next i want to go into characters: starting with tom, then Marion, then Patrick, and then the other characters. so if you are planning on reading this book or just dont want to be spoiled them....don't read the next bit.

Tom:

I'm going to get this out of the way.........Tom (who we never get to know outside of the two-point of views we are presented with, and who is being played by Harry) is a police officer in the 50s UK. to be frank when the rumors first went around I was mad like a lot of people were, which is funny because when we got those pictures of harry reading the book before all the speculation we were....happy, that he was reading a book about a gay man. now...I don't care honestly. I could call out the hypocrites (i won't) and honestly I'm hypocritical myself. I use to watch shows like svu (if you were to turn it on right now I wouldn't turn it off) and I enjoyed watching svu. I know and have seen a lot of mutuals, people on my dash enjoy cop shows like b99, or who like actors who have played the character of police before. so it would be hypocritical of me to be mad at him (this is just my single black opinion) and then go and turn on svu (which I don't do anymore). 

I'm not saying that no one can be mad, I'm not saying that the anger people have at him playing this role is bad or not needed or valid. all I'm saying is.....is that I don't care. I got angry over this months ago, and all that anger I felt I don't have anymore, and I can't tell you why. Harry is playing an abusive demented husband who traps his wife in a simulation, and then he will play a gay policeman trying not to face persecution..........and that's that. nothing I can say will reach him, he's playing these roles and there is nothing I can do. will I watch them (pirating of course) yes.

anyways let's get back to tom's character (do not use my opinion to silence other black people I will find you....don't do that shit weirdo): tom is......tom?? like I literally was expecting the worst when I read this because of what other people had to say. but as I'm reading him through the eyes of Marion (his wife) and through the eyes of Patrick (his...true love, fuck the 50s I hate the 50s) one word came to mind constantly: scared. Tom is very scared that he will be found out and his life will be ruined. His family knows about him, which is why I think his father (more on him later) pushed him to be in the national service (where he was a cook, which disappointed him). you don't realize his family knows and then his sister says something and then you go 'wait....THEY KNEW???' and then you will go 'oh so that's why-' 

tom does have old fashion views that you would expect of any man at that time (gay or not it's the 50s and gay men are still capable of saying sexist shit). when asked by Patrick if women should still work after having a kid he said no it's the men's job to provide, Marion said she would like to keep working, he said no when they do have a baby (they literally never did, and idk why he thought he could be intimate with her for that long to produce a baby lol). that's....the most sexist thing he said in the whole book (there maybe some small things im forgetting but nothing that really stood out). that's it. I know it's not small and that was a legitimate issue in the 50s but yeah. Just in case you were apprehensive about Tom's character being a raging woman-hater, no,....he just wasn't a true feminist yet (???? I don't know that's like..the most this book says about an issue women were facing at this time). It's still bad what he said (you'll see how Marion justifies it in the book and both Patrick and her don't agree and try and challenge him on his view).

i dont want to go too in depth but it is very obvious from the beginning he has no and i mean ZEROOOO interest in her at all (you can tell when it hits him that he needs a wife and he starts to act a littleee different but it's not romantic at alll). 

i feel like my review on tom is shit but like!! we don't really get to know him without bias from Patrick and Marion. I think Harry will play a wonderful Tom (even tho he doesn't not fit the description for Tom...at all....like at alllll).

To summarize Tom: very scared gay man from the 50s who is trying to do everything he can to not be found out. his family knows, even he knew at a young age, and yes he does quit being a police officer but it doesn't happen as soon as id like but then again he wasn't one for that long if you pay attention to the years.

Marion:

😑 

i just...if yall could see the notes i made on her.....

To summarize Marion: SHE IS LIVING IN LALA LAND, TOM LITERALLY SHOWS HER NO ROMANTIC INTEREST AT ALLL, AND WHEN SHE METS PATRICK FOR THE FIRST TIME SHE FREAKING NOTICES THAT HE'S ALL BLUSH-Y AND SHIT LIKE...GIRL.....

this is a note i wrote that sums up her and tom's relationship (which is more like friends then anything romantic i mean god their honeymoon was horrible and he proposed to her....nvm 😑)

listen...i can't lie and say i didn't feel sorry for her up until the end when she (spoilers: she outs patrick to his employer which ends up with him getting arrested). after that...ive never hated a character more in my fucking LIFEEEE like oh my god i was pissed

all she does is have fantasies about him being romantic with her (holding hands, hugging, etc) and none of them come true...BECAUSE HES GAYYYYYY i really....the author could have done a better job because there were so many damn red flags.

she's fucking annoying and whiny and yeah it sucked to be a woman in the 50s but you literally outed someone your husband was in love with and thought that you could just go back to being married like he's not devastated and instead of telling what you did you stayed unhappy and made your husband thing that at any point they were coming for him too.......*****

Patrick:

PATRICKKKKK

Patrick and tom deserved a fighting fucking chance i hate the fuck 50s fuck you 50s!!!! I absolutely LOVEDDD his pov and seeing Tom through his pov like it was just so damn refreshing seeing the world through his eyes and how he navigates his queerness in the society they live in. (the dichotomy between a proud gay man and a scared maybe proud but fear overrules that (talking about Tom here) gay man).

There was a lot more to say on how gay men were being persecuted at this time than how women were treated in this particular book. There were some little things here and there about what was expected of Marion as a wife and of a girl/woman at that time but it wasn't the focus.

I loved seeing the way Patrick navigated through his world of art and creativity. And how Tom seemed to fit right in with him.

I hate the things the author made Patrick go through (outed, sent to prison, stripped of his job, and later on in the present day he has had 2 strokes in his 70s). it felt a bit much but it's not too distracting (Patricks pov takes place in the past as he writes in his journal). 

Patrick and Julia (more on her later) are my two favorites in the whole book (Tom is third bc he's a very multi-facted character, Marion is not even on the list) and I wish we got a lot more of Patrick's pov.

Other characters!! (speed round bc this is wayyy too long):

Syvlie (Tom's sister): SYVLIEEE IM MAD AT YOUU I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WHYY WHYYY

Julia: JULIAAAAA QUEEENNN (you'll see why i love her at the end) 

Tom's parents: his father is abusive point-blank. or at least i think he's abusive (verbally). as im writing this i am now realizing that the way Tom's mom reacts to him (sometimes crying) is bc they knew he was gay omg wow.

tom's dad is very much a man's man guy?? Picture a sexist man from the 50s....now picture him with a gay son.....yeah, I'm not surprised Tom went into national service then to the police force. you can tell he didn't want anyone to find out about Tom so he pushed him to do what he thought best and Tom went with it, scared. 

overall: please do not go into this book expected things to be all flowers and rainbows...this is a book about two gay men in the 50s yall.....

there is something to be said about the tragedy that is in a lot of queer stories, I'm more interested in how white these stories are (that's a rant for another time). but I don't mind my policeman, and i think stories like this should be told. because this actually happened (here is a link to em forster's story where the author takes inspiration from, he really had an affair with a policeman!!! who had a wife!!!).

the ending is bittersweet, and i couldn't help but curse for what could have been. Marion could have not outed Patrick (which she instantly regretted), she could have gotten a divorce (she even contemplated it), they could have been more secretive, Julia could have not said what she said. I think Patrick and Tom were sadly doomed from the start, I just wish they had more time together because I loved seeing their love (the little glimpse we got) bloom into something bigger than them.

thank you for reading!! here are random screenshots of my notes as i read this lol enjoy!!

can’t*

#* #my policeman #godd this book...i cant wait for the movie #mp

[thorne93]

Inside the Criminal Mind (Part 38)

Prompt: You’re married to Dr. Spencer Reid of the BAU, and are a distinguished doctor yourself on the team. You’re sent down to Miami, Florida for teaching and as a side request from the FBI, to investigate a string of missing persons. When you think you’ve figured out who the unsub is, your life becomes more complicated than you ever could’ve imagined.

Word Count: 3563

Warnings: (throughout the fic –>) death, blood, gore, killings, language, disturbing mental notions, mentions of rapes/murder/etc (You know, Dexter and Criminal Minds related business)

Notes: Thank you so much to @arrow-guy, @carryonmyswansong, and @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo - without each of you, I couldn’t have finished, written, or properly navigated this story. Each of you helped me fish out details that were incredibly important to me. Beta’d by @carryonmyswansong and @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo… Aesthetic by @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo

This is a crossover of Criminal Minds x Dexter. First time writing Dexter.

Also, the timeline is after Season 1 of Dexter, but during season 14-ish of Criminal minds into Season 15. Enjoy!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The two of you rode in tense silence all the way to the BAU, where you grabbed your things and stormed to your car, waiting for Spencer to get in the driver’s seat. The two of you rode again in a silence wrapped in thickness. You got home and now your home was tainted with Cat Adams and Maxine. 

“What the fuck?!” you screamed as you got inside, throwing your purse and briefcase in the corner of the foyer. 

“It’s not what you think, Y/N. I didn’t cheat on you.” 

“Just because you didn’t make out with her or stick your dick in her doesn’t mean you haven’t been fucking ignoring me for her.”

Spencer responded by pressing his lips into a thin line. 

“So is it true? Did you take her to your favorite museums? Buy her books?”

“I let her borrow some of my books. And yes, on some of our outings, I took her to a museum, but don’t listen to Cat. You know this is what she wants.”

“Don’t blame your actions on Cat Adams, Spencer! You’re the one who was running through the park with Max in your arms. And she didn’t even know you were married?! Why wasn't I ever brought up?!”

“My therapist told me to keep it separate from work--”

“I’m not work!” you roared, nearly deafening you both. “I’m your fucking wife! You should’ve mentioned me! At least once! And clearly, you were doing something that made Maxine upset that you weren’t single.”

“She must’ve gotten mixed signals. I never did anything inappropriate with her, I promise.” 

“You never let me meet her. You had her in our house and I had no idea what she even looked like. You know, at least as soon as you found out about Dexter and me, there was no secret in our relationship. But all I knew was you were ignoring me to spend every waking moment with another woman. How do you think it makes me feel, Spencer?”

In an even tone, but laced with anger, he responded, “It probably makes you feel the way I did when you were doing that with Dexter.”

You flinched away from him. “I only started ignoring you with Dexter when you told me about JJ,” you reminded. “Don’t confuse reality with fantasy to make yourself feel better. You really didn’t see the problem? Spencer, for the last month, you’ve done nothing but text her, spend time with her, and focus on her. And if you weren’t talking to her, you were smiling. It was like no matter what I did, I couldn’t put that look on your face. I never made you feel that way with Dexter.” You threw your hands out to the side. “So what did I do to deserve this? If you're having second thoughts because of what I did, then tell me! Don’t distance yourself from me and start to fall for another woman.”

His face whipped up to yours, conviction in them when he said, “I’m not falling for her. I’m still in love with you and only you. If this is just about kissing Cat--” 

“Fuck the kiss!” you shouted. “I don’t give a shit about that! You should know me by now! I know why you did that. I’m not an idiot. I was over that before you were done kissing. What I’m upset about is you being devious and sneaking around after we promised never to do that again. So what is it? If you don’t love Maxine, why have you been so obsessed with her? Doing things we should've been doing?”

“I don’t know,” he started, shaking his head, shrugging.

“You nearly had an emotional affair with another woman who was just in our house. I need more than ‘I don’t know’.” 

“You want to know why I talked to her so much? I just wanted a conversation with someone who wasn't fighting crime. I wanted one conversation that wasn't burying the lead on a case, or some BAU case, or even JJ... I just wanted a non-messy human interaction for once…”

You tried to keep the tears at bay. “All I saw was you falling for a woman who is the polar opposite of me. If you’d just been honest and told me why you enjoyed your time with her…” 

“I didn’t know how to tell you. I knew how it sounded. I know how it sounds now. I did flirt with her, but that’s as far as it went. It was stupid of me not to tell Max about you, and I should’ve introduced you two. I guess I felt like you had… have Dexter, someone outside of work, and I wanted that too.”

The tears were already flowing now, there was no stopping it. “A friendship with someone outside of work is one thing, Spencer, what you did tonight and every day for the last month is very different.”

“How?” 

“You seriously don’t see the problem? You gave her gifts, Spencer. You had her in our home, without me here. You lied about being married. You texted her nonstop. When I asked you to do something with me, you blew me off to go hang around her. I never did that with Dexter, never. You were either always included or I asked you first. You were always my priority. I never made you feel like second best, even when I was lying about what I was doing. And don’t even mention when I was being distant, we both know why I was doing that.” 

He stayed silent, his gaze dropping to the floor. 

“I didn’t cheat though. I didn’t kiss her, I didn’t talk about a future with her, I didn’t--”

Your rage had hit a ceiling though. He was pretty close to defending his actions, and you weren’t okay with that. “You keep saying you aren’t cheating but everything you've said, done and reacted leads me to believe otherwise! I can’t fucking believe you don’t see the issue and you’re actually trying to justify what you did!” 

“I know I fucked up, but you’re not even hearing me out. I can tell something’s not right, alright--”

“You’re right. Something isn't right and it's that my husband hid me and his marriage away to self-indulge with someone new who seems to be doing a better job at making you happy than I am so clearly there's more than you’re really saying."

“When have I ever lied to you?” he asked, offended. 

“Hmm, where should I begin?” You threw your hands in the air. “When you kept fact that JJ confessed to you, that you and her seem to be hiding something still, now the thing with Maxine!” You were trying so hard to not let the tears slip from your eye. “I- I can’t deal with this..with you right now.” She walks away to their room to pack some things.

“Y/N, wait, let’s talk about this,” he called after you, chasing you up the stairs to your bedroom. 

“There’s nothing left to talk about Spence, you lied, point blank.” You tossed your clothes into the bag you had pulled from the suitcase. “We promised there would be no more hiding and no more secrets.” You closed the bag and headed out of the room.

“That’s different. I meant about the killings. I know what I did wasn’t the best thing but I’m sorry for it. I made a stupid mistake. It’s nothing like what you did and hid from me.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” she turns around with a fire burning in her eyes. “What I did in Miami is nothing compared to what you're doing now, I didn’t go off to find someone to keep me entertained and feeling some type of way, for such a genius you sure are being an idiot. I hid my criminal activity from you and then I was totally honest about it. I confessed to murder so that you wouldn't think I was cheating. Do you get that? I was willing to go to prison before letting you think I was cheating...” You pushed him away from you. “And it wasn’t just about the killings. We promised it would be on everything!” the tears fell but she didn’t care.

“I’m the idiot? Lying is lying, Y/N. It doesn’t matter what it’s for--” Just then, he got a call from JJ. As he picked up the phone, you saw her name on caller ID and at that point, you weren’t sure you could even see straight anymore. 

“Jesus, Spence! Not even a few moments two of the three of your other women are gone and the third one is already calling.”  You stood there glaring at him waiting to see what he would choose to do. “Choose what you do wisely right now because this determines how this ends.” You crossed your arms.

He glanced at you for a moment before answering, keeping eye contact. “Now’s not a good time.” Then he hung up, still looking at you, not saying a word.

“Oh yeah and when is a good time, huh Spencer?” you seethed at him. “Between ignoring the shit out of me, going out with Max, your little girlfriend and seeing an old flame?"  You grabbed your bag and walked out without  an explanation.

“Y/n!” he yelled, trying to chase you, but you slammed the door in his face. He turned around and screamed. “Fuck!” 

You got into your car and drove off to the nearest hotel. For the next few days, you stayed there, but came into work like normal. You spoke to Spencer as much as you could professionally. It was easy to separate the feelings of hate, anger, betrayal, and hurt from work. Your training with Dexter really helped to control your emotions, at least in this setting. At home was an entirely different matter. 

One night, you couldn’t take it anymore, so you called Dexter. You needed a friend. 

“Dex?” you choked out just before letting out a sob.  

“Hey Y/N it’s been a while how are things?” He immediately realized things weren’t okay. “What's wrong is everything okay?”

“No, no it’s not.” Then you launched into everything that had happened since you got home. Spencer being distant, ignoring you, Maxine, kissing Cat, JJ still giving you issues. By the time you were done, you said, “I have no idea what to do. I think he’s going to leave me. I just… I wish he’d get it over with and not parade around with another woman.” 

“Y/N, take things slower, don't try to analyze it all at once.” he started by telling you. “We know the thing with JJ is one-sided right? Put that to the side let's look into the other two.” He had stopped what he was doing to focus on you.

You took a deep breath. “Okay, you’re right. Okay the thing with Cat, I can mostly forgive and forget that. I know why he did it, and he had to be convincing. There was no time to hesitate or she’d see through ihm again.” 

“And what exactly about the situation with Cat do you feel is wrong?”

“How passionately he kissed her. That’s reserved for us. He… He did it quickly, without reservation, and he did it with passion. I haven’t seen him that passionate since before he told me about JJ.”

“If I recall correctly he’s a man who uses his brain passionately not always with action especially outside of your relationship.” he nodded his head though clearly you couldn’t see it. “Alright and I understand how this might affect the situation but remember he did so to keep Cat in the game and not cause harm.” He could hear how you were breathing evenly now. “ if it weren’t a kiss it could have been something else that she’d want him to do. Now onto the next issue this Maxine person when did this exactly start?”

“Right after we came back, pretty much. He went to see his therapist, sheshe gave him homework to talk to someone outside of work, and he went out that day and found Maxine. So around a month ago… Why?” 

“Well this helps me get a better understanding in terms of timeline.” he took a swig of his drink and continued. “What exactly was it that him and Max were doing in the time frame of the month? Do you know exactly where and what they did?” It was still a bit unclear as to why Spencer would do such a thing at this precise moment. “Besides the things that Cat has said and shown you, is there enough evidence to prove that he indeed is being unfaithful like say deliberately sneaking around to see her or making excuses as to why he’s never around?”

“All she did was show me what they were doing in their time together. Dex, I would ask Spencer to go out to dinner for a date, and he said he was too busy and he was going to see Maxine. I asked him to go to an opening of a museum and he said he was meeting Maxine. I made him a nice brunch one morning, but he ran out to go meet her. Even when we were sitting and watching TV together, he was glued to his phone, texting her, smiling, laughing. When I asked to meet her, he said he wanted to keep us separate because I’m related to work. So other than how I feel about how he’s been treating me, no, I don’t have proof he’s had an affair. All he’s done is shown he’s emotionally attached himself to her. You should've seen it. I’d make a joke and he rarely smiled. She texted him once and he’d be laughing on the floor. It was ridiculous. I felt invisible in my own home. ” 

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe the recent events were too much to handle for him and he wants to be around someone outside of it all to find some peace of mind before fixing the issue?” he asked. “Now I'm not saying the way he went about it was correct or that he has a right to do so but aside from the arguments did you tell him these things you're telling me?” he sounded like there was more he wanted to say but kept quiet.

“For the most part, yeah, kinda. I didn’t tell him how I’m feeling. More so I tried to get him to admit that what he did was wrong.” You sighed. “But you think he’s right? I know I asked him to handle a lot these last few months. I know that. I told him that all the time. I thanked him for being by my side. But I just lost it when I saw his almost-girlfriend standing in our house, and it was a second after he kissed another woman.” 

“And that's where you went wrong, Y/N. Getting him to admit that he did wrong when he didn't do that to you and letting your feelings be known are two polar opposites. I don’t believe that how either of you two are going about is right.” He sighed. “I believe that you two have put a strain on your relationship because of so many things that have happened far too close to one another that it’s clouded both your judgment’s.”

You nodded, regardless of the fact that he couldn’t see it. You took a deep breath then swallowed.  “Yeah. I think you’re right. I… He shouldn’t have hid me from her, or hid her from me, but past that… I should’ve understood where he was coming from. I asked him to take on too much. I wish things would just go back to normal,” you sighed. “I need to make things right with him. I need to hear him out. Maybe then he can admit that he didn’t do things the right way, and I can apologize for doing the same thing. Thank you, Dexter. You’re always my rock.” 

“I care too much about you Y/N to let something like this get the better of you” he smiled knowing you felt better about this. “What are best friends aside from killing together?” he joked hoping to get a laugh from you. “If you need to get a clear mind you where to find me.”

“Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’ll talk to Spencer and let you know.” 

You two ended your phone call, and you went to sleep, feeling a bit better about the outlook on your marriage. 

------------------------------------------------

But you didn’t get a chance to go to Spencer and apologize. The case for Everett Lynch launched into full swing just a few hours after your phone call with Dexter, and you and Spencer didn’t have a moment alone. 

You’d been chasing Everett Lynch for a while now, and finally had him cornered at a woman’s mansion with his mother in the basement. It was a highly volatile situation.  Spencer was able to get Roberta to release Olivia before she got hurt. While he was on the phone with Roberta, she apparently gave the all clear to let the team breach and Spencer gave the order. The SWAT crew moved in and you turned to JJ who was on the phone, to ask her why she looked confused. She glanced to you, then turned and screamed, “Spence! Wait!”

But it was too late. An explosion sent the team, and your husband, soaring back, where he hit the pavement hard. 

Your heart stopped before you ran over to him, kneeling in front of him. “Spence? Spencer? Can you hear me? I need a medic!” you shouted. He was clearly disoriented, but he was conscious. 

The paramedics on site looked him over, but there were no visible signs of any damage. They said he might have a concussion and you needed to watch him. You sat beside him on the plane, holding his hand, but he seemed distant, not talking to you. You were hoping that after a near death experience, it would bring you two closer, and he’d apologize for everything he did… But even then, he couldn’t say anything. 

You two got home and you carried his bags inside. He seemed lost in thought still, so you sighed. 

“Well, I’m going to go check out of the hotel. I should be here to watch you,” you said, the sadness in your voice. 

“Hmm? Oh, yeah.” He was dismissive and he went back to thinking. Maybe he was thinking that his life was short, and he didn’t want to spend it with you any more. Maybe he really had moved on mentally with Max and was just waiting for the right time to bring it up. 

You cried the entire drive to the hotel. You gathered your things, and checked out, driving back. Your marriage would end. Not by your doing, but by your husband’s. It was evident he had someone else on his mind all the time, even after he swore he wasn’t seeing her any more. 

But the signs were clear. He didn’t fully apologize, he didn’t see anything wrong in his actions, he lied about JJ, he kissed Cat so easily… Clearly, you weren’t the woman he loved any more.

Just as you pulled into your driveway, it was early morning. It took all night to get home from the case, then to get all your things and check out. Hell, it was time for you to be in the office, but you assumed Emily and the team knew Spencer was hurt and that you’d be caring for him. 

But there was another car in your driveway. 

JJ’s. 

You got out and slammed the door to your car. “The fuck are you doing here?” 

“I came to check on Spence. He had a nasty hit yesterday. We tried calling both of you but didn’t get a reply. Where have you been anyway?” 

“That’s none of your goddamn business.” You started to unlock the door. “Spencer’s fine, by the way. I just had to run an errand. I’ll be in the office in a little--”

But as you walked through your house and JJ followed you, you saw Spencer on the floor of your dining room floor. 

“Oh my god. Spencer!” You gasped, running to check on him. “Spence? Can you hear me” In seconds, he started to seize out. “Holy shit. JJ, call 911.” 

“On it,” she said quickly, pulling her phone out. 

“Don’t do this. Don’t do this,” you begged. "No, Spence, come on. You have to be okay. You have to be. I can't fucking lose you." You held onto him, trying to keep him steady so he didn't hurt his head. Blood was spilling out of his nose. 

You had to keep a level head, you had to keep Spencer stable and alive, and also fight off every horrible feeling racing through you. It dawned on you that the last few words you’d said to your husband outside of work would be about him loving other women, and you having no idea where you stood with your own husband. Were his last thoughts about leaving you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tagging:

Forever Tag:

@essie1876

@magpiegirl80

@letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked

@iamwarrenspeace

@marvel-imagines-yes-please

@superwholocked527

@missinstantgratification

@thejemersoninferno

@rda1989

@munlis

@thefridgeismybestie

@bubblyanarocks3

@igiveupicantthinkofausername

@kaliforniacoastalteens

@feelmyroarrrr

@kaeling

@friendlyneighbourhoodweirdo​

@damalseer​

@heyitscam99​

@yknott81​

@thelittlebigirl​

@glitterquadricorn​

@xxqueenofisolationxx

@little-dis-kaalista-pythonissama

@bittersweetunicorm​

@alyssaj23​

@sea040561​

@princess76179​

@thisismysecrethappyplace​

@sarahp879​

@malfoysqueen14​

@ellallheart​

@breezy1415​

@marvelmayo​

@paintballkid711​

Spencer Reid

@camigt1999​

@ultrarebelheart​

@lenawiinchester​

@esoltis280​

ITCM

@arganfics​

@zozoleesi​

#inside the criminal mind #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fic #spencer reid #dexter #dexter morgan #dexter fic #dexter morgan fic

[kenzieam]

Lost Girl - Chapter 4 (Eric and Fox)

Rating: M (swearing, violence, smut, blah blah)

Genre: Drama/Angst

****Trigger Warnings - mention of torture, abuse****

Thanks everyone for the re-blogs and support!!! IT IS SO AWESOME!!!

@emmysrandomthoughts @beautifulramblingbrains @iammarylastar @tigpooh67 @bookwarm85  @badassbaker @captstefanbrandt  @treeleaf  @beltz2016  @girlwith100names @gaia25 @readsalot73 @slayer0507 @stone-met @lostinthebeans @lauraaan182 @girlslovestorys  @lacy-love @fuckthatfeeling  @sparklemichele @vitaevandal  @micolegg @frecklefaceb @jaihardy  @bookgirlthings @queenara4  @bluelassbird @mom2reesie @pathybo @letmagichappen @shaunarcanine @equalstrashflavoredtrash @itschibi @elaacreditava @lilu46 @tonyt1995 @jojogoo65 @littlesouthernrebel @sterek-foreverandever @kirstenisntkirsty

****************************************************************************************************

A huge thank you to my beta and Jai-sister @iammarylastar ! Quelle equipe!

****************************************************************************************************

What happens if Fox disappears, and is returned to Eric two years later, but is not the same woman he loves???

****************************************************************************************************

Eric sighed, throwing his pen onto his desk with an angry snap of his wrist. Reluctantly he’d agreed to stay away from Fox, and had, for the last two miserable days for what Max described as ‘some intense shit’. Scans had shown an unhealed lesion in Fox’s brain, that the doctor was willing to bet money was the root cause of her amnesia, and he’d been loading Fox with heavy doses of healing serum ever since. Dr. Young had also been spending huge amounts of time with her too, working on reversing her forced indoctrination. The goal right now was to have Fox settle enough that she could be trusted in a locked room without being restrained to a bed, and start accepting visitors to begin triggering her memories.

Eric wasn’t sure he could last much longer.

Having Fox in the compound was seriously messing with his head. It took twice as long for Eric to get anything accomplished anymore, with his thoughts always wandering to her. His sleep was broken now not for nightmares and overwhelming grief, but for anxiety and uncertainty. Sure, Fox was back, but would she ever come back? The woman that Eric loved, would die for, the woman he’d mourned, whose disappearance had shredded his heart, would she come back? Would she eventually remember the way she’d loved Eric? Would she again want to be with him? Eric knew for a fact that he wouldn’t be able to handle it if the answer was no. To have Fox alive and healthy, back in Dauntless but no longer in love with him, moving on with her life without him as a part of it was too horrible to comprehend.

Knowing Eric wasn’t doing anything important right now, he’d done little today except get lost in his thoughts, Max didn’t bother knocking before he walked into his office. Eric startled slightly and looked up at the head leader, who settled into the chair across the desk from him. Eric stared at Max, he didn’t need to ask again, the question was the same.

“She’s doing better,” Max replied. “The newest scan shows no sign of the lesion, so the doctor is confident she’ll start regaining her memory soon.”

“What caused it?”

Max sighed and leaned his chair back, lacing his fingers on his stomach.

“You know what happened, Jett had his unit investigate that warehouse that caught his attention for whatever reason, Fox isn’t sure still, but it was probably a planned ambush. Jett and two others were killed, Fox, Owens and Dawson disappeared and the rest ran around like initiates holding a weapon for the first time.”

Eric snorted. Those fucks were lucky Max stepped in and stopped Eric from executing the whole sorry lot. They’d been banished to fence duty in the lowest, most disgusting corner of the city.

“Fox says Owen had been hurt internally and the factionless healers couldn’t help him, so when he died they laid him out for us to find. Both Fox and Dawson got hit in the head, Dawson stayed really messed up, couldn’t do much more than stand there and do what he was told.”

“And Fox developed amnesia.”

“Yeah, she doesn’t remember the ambush, just being told later that she’d been injured, hit in the head. Those two we captured with her say this guy called ’Reo’ took a real interest in Fox, saw a blank slate with muscles and started working on her, telling her all that shit about Dauntless, aligning her with their ideals. They’re not sure if he knew about you and Fox or not, whether her special hatred of you is deliberate or coincidental, but you’re one of the leaders most associated with factionless control, so who knows? Either way, right now Fox still has no memories of the ambush or anything prior. She thinks she was born down there, doesn’t even remember Amity.”

“Where is this ‘Reo’ piece of shit?” Eric growled.

Max shrugged. “It’s the first I’m hearing of him, he’s good at hiding. I guess he’s gone underground again. But apparently he’s got this real distinctive scar. The whole left side of his face has got this crazy checkerboard burn. Got held against a hot grate or something as a kid. Shouldn’t be too hard to find now that we know.”

“When we find him, he’s mine.” Eric ground out, his voice low and dangerous.

“I didn’t expect anything different.”

“Can I see her yet?” Eric fixed Max with a hard eye, daring him to say no. He’d had just about enough of waiting, his patience had run right the fuck out, and hearing about this Reo fucker had just stomped on the last of his nerves.

“You rein in that fucking stink eye you’re showing me and yeah.” Max replied sharply. “She doesn’t need that and I’ll be damned if you derail everything she’s accomplished so far.”

Eric exhaled long and hard, clenching and unclenching his fists. Max waited silently. Finally, Eric raised his head and nodded. The rage in his eyes was banked, the frustration contained.

“Okay,” Max stood, gesturing with his hand. “I’ll walk with you.”

Eric remained silent as they walked and Max decided not to press him. Eric had the tendency to explode if pushed too much when he was already overwhelmed, and Max didn’t feel like dealing with an oversized tantrum right now. They stopped outside of the detention wing and Max swiped his ID card, the door lock releasing with a beep. Eric followed him to the end, room 15.

“We’ve made it more comfortable for her, there’s a bed and a table, some books. She doesn’t need to be restrained anymore, but I wouldn’t get too comfortable. Be ready to get out if you need to. Don’t try to reason with her, don’t agitate her, don’t push her to try and remember anything. She’s frustrated enough as it is and she’s been getting violent when she’s had enough..... I mean it Eric, this isn’t Fox right now. Don’t talk to her like she is. I’m leaving the guards outside with direct orders to pull you if you start acting stupid.”

Eric nodded, this was a hard pill to swallow. Eric had never liked not being able to touch his Fox. He wanted to go into that room and have his Fox look up at him, smile and throw herself into his arms, mould her body to his and let him bury his face in her neck because goddammit he had missed her so fucking much; but that wasn’t going to happen, not right now, maybe not ever; and Eric would have to deal with that without going crazy in the meantime.

Max reached over and swiped his ID card, pushing the door open when it beeped.

“Wait here.” He said, then walked inside, shutting the door behind him.

Eric exhaled, closed his eyes and forced himself to relax. After a minute, Max stepped back out.

“She’s willing to see you, remember what I said.”

Eric nodded and took a deep breath. Max held the door open for him and he walked through, stopping just inside. His eyes immediately went to Fox. She was cross-legged on the bed, her back against the wall. Her face was expressionless as she watched him.

“Fox,” Eric murmured.

Fox remained silent and Eric felt the first stirrings of discomfort; he hadn’t felt uncomfortable around Fox since the very beginning, when he’d looked down at the first jumper of the year and seen with surprise it was a redheaded Amity transfer in the net in front of him. He’d been nearly speechless, almost overwhelmed by his body’s response, its awakening towards her; only his years of training and conditioning had kept him from doing something stupid and embarrassing. Fox, or Sabine as she’d been named, had seemed similarly affected by him, and an adorable blush had coloured her cheeks. She’d recovered faster however, throwing Eric a wink over her shoulder as she walked away, her newly chosen Dauntless name still sweet on his tongue. Fox.

Eric came back to himself with a small jolt, focusing again on the spare room and the woman in front of him. She was watching him carefully, her own forehead furrowed. Finally Eric broke the awkward silence.

“How are you doing?” He cringed inwardly, what a stupid question.

Fox snorted softly and looked down at her clasped hands, twisting uncertainly in her lap. “Everyone wants to know that, ‘how are you?’.... I don’t know anymore.”  

“Max said the doctor has been giving you healing serum? You... you look better, you’re not quite so pale.”

Fox raised an eyebrow at him, “‘not quite so pale’, you sure know how to make a girl feel better.”

Eric felt his cheeks warm up, dropped his head. Reaching for the empty chair he slowly sat, took a few moments before he raised his head to look at Fox again. She was still watching him.

“So.... apparently I’m ‘Fox LaRue’ of Dauntless, right?”

“Yes.”

“So that would make you my leader.”

“Yes.”

“Were we anything else to each other?”

Eric froze, he could feel the ground beneath him getting shaky, he wasn’t supposed to push her, wasn’t supposed to agitate her, but she was the one asking these questions, and it was Eric that was in trouble right now. He couldn’t, he couldn’t let himself think about what he and Fox had shared, not now. If it didn’t make him launch himself at her, pull her to his chest and try to crush away the last two years of hell, it would make him scream in anguish because he couldn’t, he may never be able to again.

“We were friends,” Eric said quietly.

“Friends,” Fox echoed. “What was I like?”

Eric gave a rueful smile. “You were brave, smart. You were the first jumper of your year, an Amity transfer. Your Amity name was Sabine LaRue, but you chose Fox when you reached Dauntless because some guy at the Choosing Ceremony made fun of your hair colour, but you liked it and turned it around into your new identity instead of a negative thing.... and that’s what you were like, you could always find the good in something.... or someone,” he chuckled, wiping his mouth, “you might still kick their ass, but you’d acknowledge their good points too. You graduated top five in your class and were a hell of a patrol officer....” he trailed off.

Eric could feel his resolve starting to crumble, if he continued he’d start to talk about how gracefully Fox had moved, even when fighting, how her smile and laugh would bring others in, wanting to share in her happiness. He’d confess how he just loved to hold her in the mornings, as they sprawled together in bed, how he’d love to bury his head in her hair, inhale her green apple shampoo smell, her natural scent that made him all easy in his limbs at the same time that it made him shiver in anticipation. He’d tell her how he’d felt so cold and fucking alone until she’d come, lighting up his dark cave with her sun-like existence. He’d admit that she had his heart, right from the fucking start, that she still did, and she always fucking would.

Eric shuddered. Raising his head, he froze. Fox had moved while he was lost in his thoughts, she now stood just a few feet from him, watching him carefully. Eric took a moment to drink the sight of her in. She was still gaunt, hard and bony, but not as much as before; faint hints of her previous curves were starting to show again, and her skin was no longer deathly pale, thanks to the healing serum. Her shorn scalp was darker with the promise of new growth. All the fresh wounds she’d been sporting were gone, her skin looked soft and smooth again, marked by new scars but not marred by them.

“You look a lot better,” Eric choked, his fingers curling into his thighs.

Fox nodded, reached up and gestured absently at the back of her head. “Yeah, my headaches are gone, I can think clearly again... funny how that’s just making me more confused.” Without warning, Fox moved closer and Eric’s heart began to pound. Fox leaned forward suddenly, inhaled deeply. Eric froze, not trusting himself to do anything more than breathe right now.

Fox made a small humming sound and Eric’s pulse spiked. She recognized his scent? Was it affecting her the way hers had always affected him?  His hand moved without his conscious control and before either of them could react, Eric’s hand gently cupped Fox’s cheek. He hissed at the contact, his nerves coming alive again as sensations he’d thought he’d never experience again rushed to the surface. He groaned, eyes falling closed.

Fox inhaled sharply, eyes widening as Eric’s hand touched her skin, and for a brief moment, recognition sputtered in her gaze, but then fear and uncertainty flared, completely extinguishing the meagre ember and Fox yanked herself violently away. Eric’s eyes flew open and he opened his mouth to speak.

“Get away from me!” Fox yelled, scrambling away to the far wall. She began to pace agitatedly. “They told me, he told me.... they’d try to trick me. Reo told me, he told me.” She began to ramble.

“Fox?”

“I’m not FOX! GET AWAY!” Fox screamed, grabbing the nearest item, a book, and throwing it directly at Eric’s head. He ducked, stumbled to his feet in shock; dimly he heard the door behind him slam open. Guards and white-suited medical staff swarmed in and Eric felt his arms roughly grabbed, was pulled backwards.

“NO!” Eric roared, fighting the restraining hands, eyes locked on Fox. The wild animal was back, cornered and snarling, she was fighting the guards, graceful even in her altered state. She shouted as she fought, screamed that they were tricking her, trying to turn her, make her give up her people, make her betray their locations.

“NO! NO! This is all fake! Reo told me you’d try to fool me! I won’t! I won’t, I don’t believe this! It’s all LIES!” Finally a trio of guards managed to tackle Fox to the ground long enough for a nurse to dart forwards and inject her with a syringe. Fox shrieked.

“NO!” Eric screamed, throwing the guards off, launching himself towards Fox. They were hurting her, he couldn’t let them. Eric felt something crack against his skull and he suddenly couldn’t keep his balance, his vision swam. He felt himself swaying and then a sharp stick in his throat. Immediately everything slowed, went grey and Eric fought to focus on Fox’s unmoving body as he dropped unconscious to the floor.

Awareness came back to Eric fast, like a bucket of cold water dumped over his head. His eyes snapped open and Fox’s name spilled from his lips as he struggled to sit up. Rough hands pushed him back down.

“What the fuck were you thinking Coulter?” Max demanded.

Eric tried to sit up again and was pushed even more roughly down. He saw he was back in his apartment, sprawled on his bed.

“Stay down, goddammit.” Max growled.

Sighing heavily, Eric collapsed against the pillow.

“You fucked up this time, son.” Max shook his head angrily. “You’re out.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Eric muttered.

“You’re out, done. You are forbidden from seeing Fox-”

“The fuck? Max?!” Eric sat up too quickly and swayed dizzily, Max pushed him back down.

“That last stunt you pulled? I fucking told you not to upset her! I had to fight to keep her here, they wanted to take Fox back to Erudite to keep her safe from you. Goddammit Eric! You never fucking listen!”

“She recognized me, for just a second Max, she remembered me. She leaned down and smelled me and that’s when she freaked out-”

“And you touched her. I fucking said not to.”

Eric sagged backwards, “I couldn’t help myself, I-”

“Nearly derailed everything. That Dr. Young spent half a goddamn hour talking her back down; he’s out for your fucking head.... I finally got him to relax enough to agree to keep Fox here, but you CANNOT go anywhere near her or I’ll shoot you in the knees and throw your sorry ass in the detention wing myself.”

“Until when?” Eric snapped bitterly. He recognized the look in Max’s eye, he was serious.

“Until she is released to reintegrate into Dauntless. And that’s not happening until the doc is convinced she’s well on her way to remembering her life here and won’t try to escape.”

“I can’t wait that long-”

“Too fucking bad! You fucked this up, not me.”

“Goddammit Max!” Eric snarled, slamming his fists angrily onto the bed. If he still wasn’t so fucking dizzy he’d be halfway to Fox already, going straight through anyone that got in his fucking way.

“You don’t agree to stay away and I’ll lock you up right now.” Max’s voice was implacable, there was no room for negotiation.

The very thought of staying separated from Fox made Eric’s heart hammer painfully. He needed to hold her, crush her to his chest and stop this hemorrhage of his lifeblood that threatened to destroy him. Without Fox he had nothing, he was nothing. He exhaled raggedly and lifted his head to meet Max’s eye; nodded once in miserable acceptance.

“It’s not forever.” Max’s voice was softer, more sympathetic. “I saw the hell you went through these last two years. I also know you kept the worst of your pain secret, even from me; but you need to be patient. Fox needs time to come back. You and her.... you were amazing together, you were meant to be and that type of passion, that level of connection is too much for her right now. She’s trying to get used to the fact that all her memories are fake, that she has this whole other life she can’t remember. That’s a shitload to wrap your head around and once her memories of what you had together start coming back it’s going to be even worse. You are the most important person in the world to Fox, I saw the way you two would look at each other. If there’s such a thing as soulmates, that’s what you are. You can’t hit her with that all at once. Let her figure herself out first.”

Max was right, as much as it killed Eric to admit it. What was another few weeks, when he’d been in agony for two years already? He couldn’t add to Fox’s pain just to alleviate some of his own, he loved her too much for that.

“Alright, I’ll stay away... until Fox is ready.”

#eric coulter #jai courtney #divergent #eric coulter fanfiction #eric divergent fanfiction #fanfiction #eric and fox

[mvssmallow]

Cloudy With A Chance

Part 17: …of maple butter.

Masterlist

“It’s awesome right?”

“It’s…a drawer of our socks.”

He looks over in irritation but Jiwon just gives him a blank stare.

“Okay, maybe you don’t appreciate it but that took me fifteen minutes. You just dumped everything in, closed it and walked off. That’s not really how you move in.”

Jiwon shrugs apologetically. “It’s just socks?”

He resists the urge to punch him on the arm. “How do you find anything in the morning? Do you go to work with mismatched socks?”

Jiwon looks at him with the slightest tinge of guilt. “Nobody looks at socks! They’re not important.”

He has to roll his eyes at that. “Well, now they’re all in order. I don’t want people thinking I don’t look out for you. I did your t-shirts too by the way. How the hell did you accumulate like forty white t-shirts?”

Jiwon shrugs again, like everything in his life was just some happy accident that didn’t require his active participation. “I don’t know. I need them though. 39 to wear and one just incase someone wants to steal it.”

His face glows warmly. “I put it back after I wore it!”

Jiwon comes behind to hug him to his chest. “Hanbin, if you want the Disneyland t-shirt you can have it. You can have anything you want.”

He already knows the Disneyland t-shirt is safely folded on his side of the wardrobe. He put it there and he’ll return that when Hell freezes over. Maybe not even then. 

“Anything? Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

“Even your snapbacks?”

“Yep.”

“And your Jordans?”

“Sure.”

“And your Winnie slippers?”

“No, you got those for me. You can’t have him back.”

He laughs and turns around in Jiwon’s arms. “I don’t want it back anyway, you kinda ruined them. They’re all shredded. I don’t even know how you did that.”

Jiwon leans in and kisses him on the nose. “They’re not shredded. They’re worn in.”

“You’re worn in.”

“Yeah I know. You’re brand new and mint condition though.”

He grimaces at the compliments. “God, you’re so lame.”

Jiwon’s arms squeeze him tight. “Yeah, get used to it.”

It takes them an entire week to move Jiwon in. His apartment was already small but with another life jammed in, it felt even smaller. Jiwon called it cosy but he’d say it was just shy of claustrophobic. There’s just enough space to hold him back from a nervous breakdown.

Or maybe that was still coming. Maybe this was the honeymoon period and he’s still in shock.

“I can hear you thinking. You okay?”

He rests his head against Jiwon shoulder and nods. “Yeah, this whole thing is just kinda new for me.”

“The moving in thing?”

“Yeah. And the you and me thing. Everything is just new. I don’t know what I’m doing, sorry.”

He didn’t. He’d never been in a relationship that lasted this long or gone this far. He’d never been with anyone who knew anything important about him.

“Well, for a rookie you’re doing alright. I’m still surprised you haven’t kicked me out yet. I think I messed up all the systems in your kitchen.”

He hums against Jiwon’s shoulder as he feels warm hands rub reassuring circles into his back. “It’s your kitchen too now.”

“That all you’re going to say? Not gonna yell at me for putting the tea towels with the plastic bags?”

He shakes his head, soothed by the hands moving across his skin. “I already put everything back.”

Jiwon chuckles. “Knew it. Sorry you ended up with a mess.”

“Sorry you ended up with a nutcase.”

Jiwon tips his face up and whispers in a low pitched voice, “I love nutcases. All the best people are nutcases.”

He can’t even look at Jiwon after that, just buries his face into the safety of that solid chest and holds on for dear life.

**** The second week is a blur. They’re both so busy that they only see each other for ten minutes in the morning and maybe a hour for dinner before collapsing into bed at separate times. Late shifts and deadlines eat up every spare moment between them and it feels more like having a regular roommate than a boyfriend. 

It was good in a way, he was so busy that he barely had the chance to overthink the whole moving in thing. There were some things he was already used to when Jiwon had stayed over before: the awkwardness of waking up with bad hair and in a bad mood, constantly battling his rage whenever Jiwon leaves towels on the floor or gets toothpaste all over the sink or frantically rushing to pick up the phone in case it was his parents calling. It freaked him out in the beginning, he’d wake up at 6am every morning so Jiwon would never see him all gross and he remembers shutting himself in the bedroom whenever he had to talk to his mother.

But after awhile, he realised that a lot of those small things didn’t matter. Jiwon learnt not to answer the phone when the parental caller ID was flashing and even better, he didn’t even care how disgusting his boyfriend could be. It was liberating being able to sleep in dirty clothes, eat like pig and wake up swearing at Jiwon’s alarm. He didn’t get judged for it, just a chuckle and sympathetic back rub. 

Things were different now though. Jiwon doesn’t leave to go back to his apartment anymore. There was no hiatus or reprieve and that’s something he’s still learning to deal with. There were no longer days where he could come home after work and sit on his couch for hours in silence. That’s gone and he does miss it, the solitude was his most constant companion for so long.

On the plus side, he learns a lot of new things about himself. He learns that he can cook decent food, live amongst the occasional mess and share personal space with another person without having a full blown panic attack (he just has smaller scale panic attacks). 

But the thing he loves the most is discovering his capacity to care for another person. Maybe he felt it in bits and pieces before, and obviously he feels it for his sister, but with Jiwon, it’s no longer something that he just wants to do, taking care of him is just something that he does now. Like a blood transfusion, it’s worked its way throughout his entire venous system. It makes him who he is now and he feels human knowing that his heart could do this all along.

****

By the third week things had slowed down for both of them. The holiday season was coming up, which meant time off work and eventually, he thinks with dread, family gatherings.

The magazine goes on vacation before Jiwon’s garage closes so he gets to wake up early and make them both breakfast. It’s not until one random Wednesday that it all catches up with him.

Jiwon is half sprawled across their breakfast table and complaining about garage life again. “Some rich dude is giving his girlfriend a Porsche. I can’t believe it. She doesn’t even appreciate it. She called it a cute little car. That’s like calling Jurassic Park a cute little dinosaur movie.”

He half listens as he flips the maple pancakes over and checks on the coffee. This type of comfortable mundane-ness is what he absolutely loves and would fight to the end to protect. He wonders if Jiwon ever thinks about things like this. 

“We had to fit the dumbest customised number plates. You wanna know what it said? BBGRL. I know it’s supposed to be babygirl but what if someone reads it like: babygrowl?”

He snorts as he pours the coffee and sets it down on their breakfast table. “What if they’re genuinely in love or whatever? He obviously just wants to make her happy. That’s nice isn’t it?”

Jiwon rolls his eyes and gives him a look like he’s gone crazy. “Is it backwards day today? You are meant to be the most cynical person ever. Why aren’t you roasting the shit out of them with me? How would you feel if I got you babygirl car plates?”

He laughs and starts stacking the pancakes. “I’d say thank you but poison your breakfast later.”

There’s a split second where Jiwon hesitates siping from his mug.

He grins. “Drink it, baby.”

Jiwon narrows his eyes and takes a long sip out of defiance.

“You know, evil brings out a really nice colour in you.” Jiwon says as he starts cutting into the pancakes and chewing thoughtfully. “Hey, these are really good. Can we have this again tomorrow?”

He tilts his head and can’t help but feel impossibly fond of this messy guy in front of him. 5 foot 9 of crumpled pyjamas, crazy bed hair and a face full of maple butter.

“I was going to make crepes tomorrow. Lemon butter crepes. Yoyo taught me the other day.”

Jiwon groans and it sounds more erotic than it probably should have. “Oh make that. Yeah, I want that too. And those chocolate waffles you made on Monday.”

He doesn’t say anything, just smiles like an idiot into his mug of tea. This is New. This weird satisfying feeling that he’s feeding someone he cares about. Jiwon doesn’t tease him or ask about the silence, he just rabbits on and on about all the cars coming through the garage that week. He wonders when they switched roles. Did they switch roles? He didn’t even notice.

After Jiwon goes to shower and get changed, he turns on their sound system (that he broke and Jiwon fixed) and starts cleaning the dishes as Sunday Morning plays in the background. It wasn’t even a Sunday but it felt like it could be one. He sings along to the music as he packs Jiwon’s Spacejam lunchbox, catching himself smiling at the packet of Oreos he sneaks in because he knows Jiwon is a sucker for them. That’s when his hand freezes. 

Oh my god.

You have changed.

You’re packing his lunch now.

You’re the sucker.

“Oh shit! I’m gonna be late!” Jiwon is a blur as he flies into the kitchen, picks up the lunchbox and runs out the front door. Two seconds later he hears the door opening again and Jiwon rushes back into the kitchen to kiss him twice, once on the lips and once on the cheek.

“You’re the best. Have a good day.”

“You too. See you when you get back.”

And then he’s gone again. The kitchen smells like maple butter and a woodsy cologne. It smells like a Sunday morning. 

He leans against the kitchen bench, taking in all the little bits that didn’t even exist a few months ago. From the way there’s two sets of plates and mugs to the scattered rap flyers and car magazines on the table to the random hoody (his or Jiwon’s?) that always seems to be draped over a chair. 

He doesn’t notice that he’s doing it until his face begins to ache-

He’s been smiling at an empty kitchen this whole time.

****

Left to his own devices, his mind wanders and his fingers get restless. He makes himself a schedule to continue writing his book but the research has him constantly chasing tangents and falling down the Wikipedia hole. He writes in fits and starts, mind always ending up in the same place. Even when he’s physically absent, Jiwon’s presence fills their entire apartment. 

There’s a note in his diary about an upcoming mic night and his finger traces over the words as he stares out the window, imagining what it might be like if Jiwon ever got a record deal and could live his dreams out for real. Things would change. Would he be a part of Jiwon’s plans or get left behind?

He doesn’t get much done after that and he’s still thinking about their future by the time they’re in bed that night. 

“What do you think you’ll do if you get a record deal?” 

“Accept it?” Jiwon laughs. “Why are you asking?”

“I was just thinking about it today.”

Jiwon pulls him closer until his head is resting on his chest. “Thinking about me getting a record deal?”

His hand smooths over the soft hoody next to his cheek as he thinks. “Yeah. Imagine where you’ll be in a year. Someone from a record company will find you and you’ll be all famous.”

“You’re optimistic.” The chest chuckles underneath him. “Where are you in all this?”

“Still living here, trying to get my book written and published.”

“How far ahead have you thought about this?” Jiwon asks with a smile. “Where are we at three years?”

“Oh you’ll definitely be a legitimate recording artist by then. We should get a bigger and better apartment. And you can say no but I want a dog.”

A hand cards through his hair. “You can have two dogs.”

“You know verbal agreements are legally binding right?”

Jiwon laughs again. “Yeah I know. What about in five years? What do you think we’ll be doing in five years?”

“Five years? Better book deal. Better record deal. Better apartment. Two dogs. Maybe we’d split time between here and the US.”

“The US? Why?”

“For all your collaborations.”

Jiwon’s fingers are soft against his skin and he can hear a strong heartbeat under his ear. “What else?”

“I don’t know what else. I want to write a lot more things but it might be hard though because you’d have tours and stuff.”

The hand in his hair moves down to gently caress his neck. “Will I? You gonna come to all my shows?”

“Yeah, I need to keep the girls in check.”

Jiwon lets out a loud laugh, it jostles his head about. “What about the guys?”

He looks up sharply. “What about them? You gonna ditch me when you get famous?”

There’s a kiss against his forehead which does nothing to calm his irrational thoughts, even though he knows they’re just talking fiction. “Nah, I’ll be too old to look for another relationship. I’ll just keep you, it’s less work.”

“I know you’re joking but-”

Jiwon rolls them over until he’s hovering above him. “Do you really think I’d leave you? Famous or not. Do you really think that you’re not my entire plan?”

He looks up at Jiwon’s serious face, surprised by the sudden change in mood. “I wouldn’t really blame you.”

“That’s a really weird thing to say Hanbin.” Jiwon says with a frown. “Why do you always say stuff like that?”

He frowns too, unsure how the conversation went from fiction to real life so fast. “I just mean, if you found someone-”

“-don’t even finish that sentence. Just don’t. I know what you’re going to say. Some bullshit about me finding someone better or normal or whatever. Why do you always think that there’s something better out there? Don’t you see me in your future?”

He reaches up to finger the drawstrings hanging from Jiwon’s hoody. “I do. But let’s face it Jiwon, there probably is someone better for you out there. I’m pretty sure I’m just systematically ruining your life.” He says with a chuckle, trying to lighten up the mood.

“Is it something I’m not doing right?”

He looks up in confusion. “What? Doing what right?”

Jiwon lies back down with a heavy sigh. “This is how all our conversations go. You talk about staying together but you don’t believe it’s going to happen. So I must be doing something wrong if you can’t see us being the end game.”

He rolls over and tangles his fingers between Jiwon’s hands. “You’re not doing anything wrong. I just….I don’t want to jinx it. Because…”

“Because what?”

“Because this is already end game for me. I don’t care if we never get any better than this.” He finishes quietly and snuggles right against Jiwon’s side.

There’s silence for a moment as they both run the thoughts through their heads. He plays with their fingers and holds his breath as he waits for Jiwon to say something.

“You got low standards, Hanbin.”

He smiles into Jiwon’s arm and just like that, the mood changes again.

“Does your low standard have a ten year plan?”

He presses a kiss into Jiwon’s arm and grips his fingers tightly. “Of course it does. We’re going be on your dumb apple orchard with five dogs and really neurotic hyper kids running around screaming their heads off.”

It’s not until it leaves his mouth that he realises what he just said. But it’s too late to take it back.

Jiwon looks over at him with surprise. “I thought you said you didn’t remember any of that?”

He shrugs. “I lied.”

“Why aren’t you freaking out about this?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. It gets less scary after awhile. Anyways, the kid thing is just a crazy dream. I’m going to need to practice taking care of you and the dogs first.”

Jiwon just shakes his head in disbelief and rolls over so they’re facing each other, inches apart. “I’m….I just….”

Sometimes he second guesses himself. Sometimes Jiwon’s impassive face gives him nothing. Sometimes he’s confident about Jiwon’s feelings. Sometimes even Jiwon has his own doubts. 

But this time, he’s sure he saw it, the way Jiwon looks at him as softly and with as much focus as the way he knows he always looks right back. It’s just a small moment, a few seconds, but it feels big. It feels huge.

“I know. Me too.”

#cloudy with a chance #it's so short! i'm sorry #i'm working on the next one to make up #but i just wanted one nice chapter #something you think of when someone says Sunday Morning #text #double b

[ourshineeshrine]

My Number One Fan

Chapter 21 Pairing: JongKey Word Count: 5,409 Summary: Kibum goes to the same, run-down bar every week to watch the man of his affections sing his heart out with a mere guitar for company. He wasn’t expecting the coffee, nor the beautiful personality within the singer. And he definitely wasn’t expecting to fall in love.

A/N: this chapter’s pretty light and fluffy, but at least i updated quickly! taemin’s redemption is coming real soon i swear (and isn’t minho a little fluff ball) enjoy guys <3

Sitting alone in the wide expanse of their lounge room, Kibum’s mother simply stared at a blank wall in silence, not quite sure about what she had discovered just moments ago. If Jonghyun wasn’t a student at Kibum’s school, and he wasn’t in the same history class as her son, then what exactly was he? Perhaps a past student that Kibum had been friends with? It wasn’t totally uncommon for friends of different year levels to be friends, after all.

The woman shook her head. That couldn’t be it. The fact that Kibum had to lie to her about who Jonghyun was in the first place immediately proved to her that it wasn’t as simple as that. Harsh lines appeared around her eyes from frowning so much, but although she looked deep in confusion and thought, Kibum’s mother couldn’t find it within herself to be angry. She had met Jonghyun, she had held a light conversation with him – he was a lovely boy. He made Kibum laugh louder and with more joy than anyone else ever had, and even though she refused to acknowledge that inkling at the bottom of her gut, she still understood that Jonghyun was very important to her son.

Kibum had lied. And Kibum had been in the wrong. But even though Kibum’s mother really should have been mad at her son, she simply wasn’t. Her gaze flittered towards a nearby picture frame on the mantelpiece, and lingered on young Kibum’s beaming, beautiful smile. Back in those days, she recalled, Kibum had been an outgoing, playful and loud child, always flaunting around the house and making friends with the other children so easily. Nobody judged each other when they were that young. If you talked to someone, you were friends, and if you didn’t, then you weren’t.

Elementary school was when the teasing had begun. Mostly name calling, back then. She remembered the day all too clearly when Kibum had hopped in the car after school with tears streaming down his cheeks.

‘Nobody wants to sit with me anymore and I don’t know why!”

It wasn’t really until middle school when both her and her son begun to understand. Her husband and her both knew of the rumours. How could they not? But Kibum’s bright, lively personality had begun to dampen over the years, as had his flamboyant fashion. He didn’t really have many friends either, but Mrs Kim had been so caught up on how well Kibum’s grades were doing that she never really found the time to try and cheer him up. Instead, her husband’s internalized homophobia had begun to be spoken aloud – perhaps in reaction to Kibum’s bullying, she didn’t really know. After all, what better way to stop the bullying than by stopping the thing that’s causing it?

Seemingly though, his methods of getting his son back to how he used to be really weren’t working at all, and instead Kibum was being pushed back into his shell to remain hidden. But despite how obvious it was to see that Kibum’s bubbliness was fading, her husband wasn’t halting his lashes of homophobia in the slightest. She tried not to see it but nonetheless she could easily observe how harshly it affected her only son. Certainly, she wasn’t really for homosexuality. It made her stomach feel a little off and it definitely didn’t match up with her standards of what was morally correct. But this was her son they were referring to here. A smart, beautiful, outspoken boy who had felt the need to lie to her, his mother, in order to protect himself. Did he really feel that unsafe in his own house?

Kibum’s mother was vaguely aware of the wetness accompanying her cheeks but simply chose to ignore it, allowing herself to be swept away by her raging thoughts. She had to get ready for work (it was a late shift this time), but for now, was perfectly fine with crying her eyes out and reflecting on how awful a mother she had been over the years.

Although it was kind of tempting, Minho made sure to ignore the call of the dance studio as he strolled straight past it at lunchtime, knowing that the lonely figure of Taemin would tug at his heartstrings much too harshly. He’d made his decision, and he knew that he had to leave Taemin alone until the younger personally recognized where he’d been wrong and apologized directly. Sure, Taemin had been going through some tough stuff of his own lately, but that didn’t make up for all the horrible things he’d implied the day prior.

And so instead on that particular day, Minho set off on the lookout for Kibum, not really knowing quite where to start. First, he went past the shady tree the three of them had sat under around a week ago, but wasn’t at all surprised to see that Kibum wasn’t there. After all, wasn’t this the same place he’d been confronted by Shindong after Taemin and he had gone to the toilet? With that section of the school crossed off the list, Minho could only wander aimlessly, trying to think of anywhere possible that Kibum might sit. And that was when a lightbulb suddenly went off in his head, at the same time eliciting a bright smile to spread across his small, handsome face.

Amber.

Of course he’d be sitting with her – Minho scolded himself for not realising earlier. He made his way over to where her group usually sat whistling a happy tune, both gleeful at the prospect of finding Kibum and being able to sit with Amber (who he may or may not have had a slight crush on). Kibum’s head was downcast when he approached, and Minho felt his face screw up in concern. Was this the result of something Taemin had said, or just the group he was sitting with? Minho supposed he was about to find out.

It came as a surprise to the whole group when he sat down happily in between Kibum and Amber, but especially to the former of those two. Kibum’s face lit up in a positive sort of astonishment and a slither of disbelief, and Minho understood the unspoken question in his gaze. Why aren’t you sitting with Taemin?

Minho shrugged with a light smile. “We got into a little argument, but it’s nothing for you to worry your little head over. He’ll come back to his senses in a few days.”

Nodding, Kibum allowed the first genuine smile of the day to paint his face, dimples protruding gently into his cheeks. “I sure hope so.” he muttered to himself, which thankfully wasn’t overheard by his friend who now seemed too entranced by his conversation with Amber. Kibum rolled his eyes. Is that what a drunk little kiss does to some people? Infatuate them? Leave them wanting more?

Inwardly, Kibum laughed. Amber must’ve been a darn good kisser then, because he certainly didn’t find his tomboy friend very attractive. Or maybe that was just the gay in him talking. Kibum nodded. That was probably most definitely the gay in him talking. His train of thought however, was suddenly broken by a vaguely annoying song sounding from beside him.

“Amber is a llama.”

“A llama is Amber.”

“Amber Llama, llama Amber, llama-ste! OH! Llama-ste! OH! Llama-ste!”

Wide eyed, Kibum stared at the pair of soccer players in distaste. How was it that his two friends could be such dorks? Everyone in the circle seemed to go quiet, before all of a sudden, Kibum included, they all burst out into a fit of laughter. Mentally, Kibum thanked Minho for deciding to come and sit here with him and Amber instead of with those soccer cronies, deciding once and for all that sitting with Amber’s group definitely wasn’t horrible.

Alone in the dance studio, Taemin stared at the door, half expecting Minho to walk in like usual bordering an expression between ecstatic and stoic but also knowing deep down that he wasn’t going to be eating there today. Sighing, Taemin looked at his hands. After a long night left with merely his thoughts and Minho’s eye opening words, Taemin had half-acknowledged just how hurtful his actions towards Kibum had been. But…would the older boy really forgive him? Would Minho?

He pouted angrily. According to google, hanging out with gay people didn’t make you gay. Supposedly if you thought that was the case, chances are you were gay already. But deep down, Taemin knew he wasn’t. Or bisexual for that matter. It just wasn’t him. He wasn’t attracted to Kibum, or Jonghyun, or any of the other students at their school bar Kai and Minho. But if he was being really honest with himself, he didn’t like any of the girls either. Taemin buried his face into his hands and screamed. This was all just too confusing and overwhelming. So instead of pondering for any longer, Taemin instead hurriedly finished his food before trudging over to the large speakers by the corner of the room. After all, what better way to release steam than by exercising?

Kibum’s mood had risen considerably over lunch break, and despite the fact that much to his chagrin he had to walk home, he still found himself smiling wistfully as he trudged. A vibration rang in his pocket, and Kibum pulled out his phone only to smile even wider at the caller id.

‘<3 Jonghyun’

“Hey Jjong!” Kibum greeted with a wide smile after answering the call.

Jonghyun seemed to be breathing heavily on the other side, and Kibum could sense the panic in his boyfriend’s voice already. “Jonghyun?” he spoke again, feeling his own throat tighten instinctively in fear.

“Hey, Kibum. Are you home yet?” came the older male’s voice, and Kibum could make out Seodam’s frantic voice on the other end.

“Tell him I didn’t mean it! I’m sorry!”

Confusion ran thick through Kibum’s veins but he answered the question nonetheless. “No, nearly though. Why? What’s wrong?”

“Um…I don’t know if your mum’s home right now but something happened today. When I was out grocery shopping with Seodam.”

Kibum’s eyes widened. “Something happened to my mum?”

“—No! God no…Your mum is fine. It’s just that, w-well…Seodam didn’t mean to and she’s really sorry b-but your mum came up to me today and asked why I wasn’t at school. And Seodam was just so surprised, the words kinda just slipped out, y’know? She told your mum I was twenty one, Kibum.”

The student’s breath hitched in his throat and all of a sudden his legs just stopped moving beneath him. He stared at his house in the distance with fearful eyes, looking the driveway up and down for any sign of his mother’s car.

Jonghyun’s voice spoke softly in his ear again. “Kibum? Is everything okay? Do you need me to pick you up?”

“Kibum!” came Seodam’s muffled voice, followed by a loud whack. “Lemme talk to him, you idiot!”

“Hi, Kibum!” her voice was louder now, and it was clear to tell she had gained dominance over Jonghyun’s phone despite the singer’s loud protests in the background. “I am so, so sorry! I seriously didn’t know, I swear. And if I can make it up to you, I will do anything! You’re okay, right?”

Kibum’s breaths were loud but he managed to compose himself for a few seconds in order to say something in response. “I-It’s fine, Seodam. I know you didn’t know…It’s probably my fault anyway so don’t worry about it.” He paused for a few seconds to squint at his house once again. “A-And um…tell Jonghyun that he doesn’t need to pick me up. My mum’s left for work already.”

“Alright, Kibum, but only if you’re sure. If you need us at any time just call or come over alright? I’ll even personally go to your house and tell your mum that I was drunk and got Jonghyun mixed with the guy on that mattress commercial.”

Quirking a smile at that one, Kibum couldn’t prevent the loud snort from escaping his lips. “Okay, okay…I’ll be sure to hold you to that, Seodam. I’ll be going now!”

“Okay, wait! Just lemme put Jonghyun back on or he’s going to murder me. Here we go—“

“—Kibum! Positive everything’s okay?”

Kibum giggled slightly at his boyfriend’s concern and continued trudging along the sidewalk towards his house. “Yes, Jjong! I’ll figure something out so stop worrying so much. I’ll see you on Sunday?”

“Like always! And you’re actually gonna come this time, right?” questioned Jonghyun slyly, and Kibum could nearly feel him raising his eyebrow from the other end of the line.

He was walking up the driveway to his house now and replied with red cheeks, “Yes, Jjong! I promise. And you better have a killer song ready.”

Jonghyun whistled smoothly. “I’m not sure if it’s appropriate, actually.”

Kibum paused in his tracks, and if he had happened to have taken a drink at that particular moment he would’ve found his beverage sprayed all over the wooden front door. “Um…?” he trailed, beckoning Jonghyun to elaborate.

“Nope. No spoilers, ‘Bummie. You’re just gonna have to come and see for yourself!”

Whining into his phone’s microphone, Kibum unlocked the door and took a step inside. “You’re no fun.”

Laughing gently, Jonghyun made a kissy sound. “You know that’s not true, babe.”

“Maybe…” sang Kibum, giggling quietly. “But anyway, Jjong. I should probably get going. I like to get my homework out of the way for the weekend. Talk later?”

“Definitely. See you on Sunday, Ki!”

A smile was still lingering on Kibum’s face for a long time after they hung up, but that didn’t erase the fear and dread he felt about his mother finding out Jonghyun’s real age. She was working later today and that was a relief, but the concept of eating dinner with his father alone and then being confronted later certainly wasn’t very appealing.

Keeping to his promise, Kibum did indeed finish all of his homework that evening, and was even left with a bit of time before his dad came home to practice his dancing. With Taemin occupying the dance room every day, along with his habit of socialising instead of practice recently, it was safe to say that it had been a while since he’d actually learned or practiced any choreography. It was a good way to get his mind off of everything – Taemin, his mother, his onslaught of lies.

Dinner was, undoubtedly, a very quiet and awkward ordeal. His father hadn’t even attempted to make conversation over the table, instead opting to down his food hurriedly and leave Kibum’s presence as soon as possible. Kibum couldn’t say he really minded all too much, but that didn’t stop the deep sigh of disappointment from escaping his lungs upon the man’s departure. And with that out of the way, the only thing Kibum was left to face was the return of his mother, which was going to be at around midnight.

‘I could always just go to bed and face my problems in the morning.’ Kibum thought to himself, before shaking his head softly in disagreement.

That wouldn’t do. If he went to bed now without seeing the expression on his mother’s face he didn’t even think he’d be able to sleep, so it would be easier to just get it over and done with now. He racked his brain for something to say in response for when she arrived home.

‘Jonghyun has an older brother with the exact same name. Weird, I know.’

‘That girl Jonghyun was with is really forgetful. She was mixing him with someone else by accident. Here, take a look at this (definitely not photoshopped) school photo of him and I.’

‘Haven’t you seen that mattress commercial? There’s this guy who looks awfully similar to Jonghyun and I’m pretty sure he’s twenty one. Common mistake, really.’

Kibum grumbled into his comforter. None of them would work. His mother was sometimes a little dense but she wasn’t that stupid. What on earth had he gotten himself into? Rolling over onto his back, Kibum stared at the white roof of his room, exhaling deeply in resignation. Kibum plucked the polaroid of him and Jonghyun from his collage and stared at the latter fondly. “You owe me all the luck you have.” he spoke aloud, jumping up as he heard the familiar creak of the door opening.

Shit. Already?

Carefully sticking the picture back where it belonged, Kibum brushed down his clothes and took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himslf. It didn’t really help in the slightest, but nonetheless Kibum’s legs began to drag across the floor and out the door to the staircase, briefly contemplating falling down them so he wouldn’t have to face the confrontation. But his legs were already moving on their own down the steps, and soon enough he was hovering awkwardly in the door frame of the kitchen, watching his mother heat up dinner with trembling hands.

Taking her food out of the microwave, Kibum’s mother turned around only to jump in shock, placing one hand over her heart in order to calm down its rapid beating. “Kibum! Don’t scare me like that…”

“Oh. S-Sorry.”

The woman smiled, and sat at the dining table with her plate before her. “It’s alright, sweetie. What’s up?”

Kibum blinked. She was asking why he was there. Wasn’t she meant to be yelling at him by now? “Wait, huh?”

“What’s up? You must be awake right now because you wanna tell me something, right?”

Regarding his mother with wide eyes, Kibum struggled to find something to say. Had his mother forgotten completely? Was Jonghyun playing some cruel joke on him? No…The older male wouldn’t do that. Then why on earth wasn’t his mother scolding him right now?

“I—Uh…Well I just…Um—“

She laughed, and Kibum could’ve sworn that he was dreaming in that moment. Maybe he had ended up falling asleep after all. “Do you need my permission for something?”

Relief was flooding through Kibum’s chest like a tidal wave, and unconsciously he slumped against the door frame. “Y-Yes actually. Could I…Um…hang out with Jonghyun on Sunday?”

“As long as you’ve finished all your homework, then of course.” A flicker of something passed through the woman’s gaze but was gone within milliseconds, replaced by an uncharacteristic smile.

Kibum nodded awkwardly and offered a small grin before turning away with a quick wave and heading back up the stairs. He didn’t think his feet had ever carried him faster, and when he finally flopped back onto his large, soft mattress, the relief he felt was overwhelming. He pulled his phone from his pocket and quickly conjured a text to Jonghyun, laying down completely and slipping under the covers once he was finished.

‘She didn’t even mention the supermarket oml I’m so confused…night Jjong xx

Your number one fan <3’

It wasn’t long before his phone was dinging in response, and Kibum read the message with a lingering, fond smile expressing his face before promptly rolling over and falling asleep.

‘Glad to see my number one fan and beautiful boyfriend is okay <3 Sleep well, Kibummie!

Your idol xxx’

It felt kind of good leaving the house that Sunday without having to lie to his parents. Kibum hadn’t told them the whole truth of course, but at least they knew he was going to hang out with Jonghyun and not ‘continue his project with Amber.’ It felt even better when he actually arrived at the bar, having missed the mild chatter which filled the fern green walls and the warm, friendly environment. He’d made his way backstage immediately, and when Jonghyun had spotted Kibum’s bright smile through the dim lighting he’d ran up and enveloped the younger in a tight hug immediately.

“Hi.” Jonghyun whispered into Kibum’s ear, running his hands warmly over Kibum’s back.

Kibum giggled before pressing a peck onto Jonghyun’s cheek. “Hello.”

The shutter of a camera could be heard going off, and the two male’s heads whipped around to face a giddy, grinning Luna. “You boys are adorable. Long-time no see, Kibum.”

“H-Hey Luna!” greeted Kibum, ears tinting red in embarrassment. “Sorry about that.”

“Don’t apologize! Seriously, this photo is too cute. Jonghyun, I’m gonna post this on your birthday.”

Jonghyun blinked. “Please don’t.” he laughed. “We’re actually tryna keep this on the down low.”

Pursing her lips, Luna muttered a quiet ‘oh’. “That’s alright! Nonetheless, it’s still cute so I hope you don’t mind if I keep it.”

“N-No, I guess not.” responded Jonghyun, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly. “Is Jinki here?”

Luna smiled brightly. “Yep! So is Minho.”

Kibum looked up. “Really?!”

Nodding enthusiastically, Luna pointed behind her to where Kibum had just arrived from, where many different types of people were bustling about to get a good view. “The boys are out there somewhere. We should probably go join them, Kibum. Jonghyun’s gotta sing soon.”

“Oh okay. I’ll be out there in one sec…”

She shot them a thumbs up before making her way out towards the bar. Kibum turned back to Jonghyun and slipped their hands together. “I’m excited to hear the new song.” he spoke, tugging on Jonghyun’s tie gently so that their faces were mere inches apart. He could feel the older male’s hot breath on his lips and grinned smugly. “Is it any good?”

Allowing his gaze to flicker down to Kibum’s lips only briefly, Jonghyun stared at Kibum with a mixture of both confidence and uncertainty. “I’d like to think so.” he chuckled. “I tried to make some dance moves for it…but it didn’t really go to plan. Maybe you could help?”

“You? Dancing?” Kibum snorted. “I might be able to…I guess it depends on the song.”

With the younger’s hand still grasping his tie firmly, Jonghyun closed the gap between them and captured Kibum’s mouth with his own, immediately allowing his tongue to sweep against Kibum’s bottom lip. Gently, before things could escalate any further, Kibum pulled away with a suave smirk expressing his features. “I’m pretty sure you have to go sing now.”

Pouting, Jonghyun nodded. “Yeah, but I better get a good job kiss afterwards.”

“Like I said, Jjong,” laughed Kibum, already making his way out towards the accumulating audience. “It just depends.”

Kibum stood with Minho, Jinki and Luna now, awaiting Jonghyun’s performance with jittering butterflies. ‘I’m not sure it’s appropriate, actually,’ is what Jonghyun had told him on the phone, and Kibum wasn’t quite sure it was a good idea for him to be standing in the proximity of his school friend at that moment.

The crowd silenced and then Jonghyun was walking on, slightly heeled boots clicking loudly on the small, wooden stage. It was quite different from his usual vibe, Kibum observed immediately. His tie, which had been in Kibum’s grasp just moments ago, was now completely undone, hanging loosely around his neck. His hair was mussed and Kibum had to wonder if it had been like that before. The stool which he usually sat on was nowhere to be found, as was his trusty guitar, in its place a single microphone stand instead. No song, unlike usual, was introduced, and all Kibum could do was watch with wide, entranced eyes as the backing track began and Jonghyun shot his astonished boyfriend a suggestive wink.

“Oh no, oh baby, sleep deeper, Not yet, oh baby, What is in the sky? What caught my eye?”

Kibum gulped and stared with wide eyes, this type of song not being quite what he was used to. The falsetto tone of Jonghyun’s voice vibrated around the bar and into Kibum’s ears, the blood seemingly rushing straight to his cheeks (and other unmentionable places). Jonghyun’s gaze didn’t waver from Kibum’s the whole time, and the younger male didn’t think that his face had ever been redder than it was in that moment.

“I’m getting dirty thoughts (eh eh eh), I’m okay with going even farther (eh eh eh), Talk to me baby, talk to me baby.”

Jonghyun had been right. This song definitely wasn’t very appropriate. But, they were at an 18+ bar so he didn’t suppose it mattered very much anyway. Still, that small reassuring fact still didn’t stop Kibum from feeling marginally uncomfortable beside Minho (who could probably see very clearly just how flushed Kibum was becoming by each passing second.)

The song finished and Jonghyun labelled it ‘Moon’, telling the audience that although it was quite different from usual, he really enjoyed writing it. Girls swooned, but it was only the small group closest to the stage who knew the song was aimed at only one person in particular. And it wasn’t a girl.

Jonghyun went then on to pull out a stool from side stage as well as his guitar, and continued on for the remainder of the half hour with his usual soft, emotional and heartfelt lyrics. Kibum studied everything about him as he sang. The way his whole face screwed up when he tried to reach a particularly hard note, the way he could simply whisper a word and still send chills up everyone’s spine, the way he’d unconsciously tap his foot against the panelled stage in time to the music. Jonghyun, in Kibum’s words, was nothing less than a musical prodigy – a gift. And so it was safe to say that the student felt more than slightly disappointed when Jonghyun’s half-hour was up, picking up his guitar and telling everyone with a bright, crinkly smile that he’d ‘see them again next week.’

Kibum felt a light nudge against his side. “Hey, Kibum? Before you go, I just wanted to talk to you about something…” spoke Minho, looking at Kibum with something akin to desperation and concern swimming in his eyes.

“O-Oh, yeah, sure.” stuttered out Kibum, surprised, eyes widening even more so when Minho grabbed his arm and lead him to an isolated spot near the back of the bar. “What’s up?”

Rocking back and forth on his feet, Minho breathed deeply. “I think…I think something is seriously up with Taemin. We had a bit of an argument the other day and well, he’s never been like this before. He just um…implied some things about you but I don’t think he mean—“

Kibum looked at Minho in astonishment. Had Taemin told Minho that he was gay? “If it’s what I think he was referring to then its fine. I’m kinda used to that stuff by now, anyway.”

“No, Kibum. You shouldn’t be. I don’t care what you say – Taemin is being a little shit recently and I’m gonna talk to him tomorrow about it. He’s always victim to those first years y’know? Maybe he’s trying to fit in…I just don’t know.” Minho was shaking his head furiously, and Kibum was struck by just how concerned he seemed about the first year.

For his whole life Kibum had just brushed off the comments people had said about him. After all, in South Korea they were just saying what everyone else was thinking, right? But here Minho was, telling Kibum himself that it was unacceptable and offering him help to stop it. Unconsciously, Kibum could feel himself agreeing to Minho, and offered the taller boy a kind smile. “T-Thanks Minho…It really means a lot. Really.”

Minho patted Kibum’s shoulder. “No worries, Kibum. I’ll catch you later though, alright? Jonghyun’s looking a little impatient over there.”

Turning around, Kibum found that Minho was exactly right. Jonghyun was standing behind him with an impish grin adorning his face, rocking on his heels with impatience. Giggling, Kibum nodded. “Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow, Minho. Bye!”

Waving farewell, Kibum and Jonghyun made their way out the back door and towards the latter’s car, teasingly brushing their hands together as they walked. “So…” began Jonghyun slowly. “How’d you like my new song?”

Kibum shrugged. “It was alright, I guess.”

“Liar!” Jonghyun laughed, bumping against Kibum’s shoulder. “I saw how flushed you were back there, babe.”

Chuckling quietly, Kibum glanced at Jonghyun from the corner of his eye. “You’re one to talk. Everyone could see that you were practically undressing me with your eyes.”

The singer flushed bright red and profusely denied it. “That’s just your conscious talking, Kibum. You were seeing what you wanted to see.”

“Oh really?” scoffed Kibum lowly, gaze darkening unintentionally as Jonghyun cornered him against the car and placed his hands on either side of his body.

Jonghyun smirked, resting his mouth right at the shell of Kibum’s ear. “Really.” he whispered, and Kibum found his toes curling at the mere feeling of Jonghyun’s hot breath against his skin.

The older of the two pulled back slightly so that his nose was brushing against Kibum’s and stared directly into the 19-year-old’s eyes, letting his gaze drop to Kibum’s lips for a split second. The message was made clear enough, and soon enough Kibum’s grip on Jonghyun’s shoulders was tightening and he was pulling the singer forward to lock his lips with his own.

The gesture was returned immediately, Jonghyun’s hands already having slipped beneath the fabric of Kibum’s shirt to run over every expanse of his soft, cool skin. Their noses continued to bump marginally and their breathing was a bit jagged, Kibum gasping softly into the kiss as Jonghyun’s tongue swiped delicately over his bottom lip. Flames seemingly burnt in his chest and stomach, and Kibum didn’t know if it was the song’s fault or not but in that moment he was really enjoying the feeling of Jonghyun’s skin against his.

His leg moved by itself to rest between Jonghyun’s thighs, smirking slightly into their kiss at Jonghyun’s sharp intake of breath. Now Kibum was holding onto either side of Jonghyun’s tie so that their faces were pulled as close as possible, taking pride in the low moan Jonghyun sounded when he adjusted his leg forward on purpose. The older male’s hands had travelled to his chest, and Kibum wouldn’t have been surprised if Jonghyun could feel his heavy heartbeat pulsing against his palms. The cool, night breeze did wonders against their heated bodies and flushed their cheeks even redder than they had been before. Their tongue’s and lips continued to clash in a battle for dominance as Kibum’s hands began to move further and further south, coming to a halt at Jonghyun’s hips and teasingly pressing his thumbs into the curve of Jonghyun’s pelvic bone.

And then Jonghyun was gone, pulling away abruptly as though boiling water had scolded his skin. In any other situation Kibum probably would have felt hurt; however considering that Minho was standing just five metres away while staring at the couple with wide, frog-like eyes, it was safe to say that Kibum had much more pressing matters at hand in that particular moment.

Honestly, Kibum didn’t think he’d ever felt more embarrassed in his entire life. Words struggled to reach him and all the dancer could manage to do was stand awkwardly and stare at Minho like a gaping fish. Kibum stuttered incoherently and Jonghyun’s neck looked practically sunburnt, but all of their obsessive worrying perished immediately upon Minho greeting them with a warm, and somewhat embarrassed, smile.

“Sorry for interrupting guys, I was just heading to the car.” He gestured with his head to Jinki’s much nicer sedan. “If it makes you feel any better though…I kinda already knew?”

Jonghyun and Kibum blinked before looking at each other equally as red faces. “It was Jinki, right?”

Scratching the back of his neck with a light laugh, Minho nodded. “Yeah.”

“Still doesn’t make it any less embarrassing.” whined Kibum mostly to himself, fixing his hair on impulse and refusing to meet Minho’s gaze.

Minho rose an eyebrow. “Kibum, I live with newlyweds and go to parties pretty often. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before, so seriously, stop stressing. I’ll catch you tomorrow, alright? See ya, Kibum.”

“Yeah…” muttered Kibum dejectedly as Minho hopped into Jinki’s car. “See ya.”

Laughing loudly, Jonghyun moved forward to hold Kibum’s hand firmly in his. “C’mon, you gotta love Minho.”

“Should I be jealous?” smirked Kibum, opening Jonghyun’s car door and separating his hand from Jonghyun’s to slide in the other side.

Jonghyun looked in contemplation for a few seconds before shaking his head feverishly.

“Me? Dating that tall bastard? Like hell.”

#my number one fan #jongkey #jonghyun #key #fanfic #this chapters pretty cute #chapter 21 #guys this fic has reached like 90k words wtf #oml #THANKS FOR READING IT #ily