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lovemesomesurveys · 5 years

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1. If we returned to a world without internet, what aspect of online life would you miss the most? Wow, that would really, really suck, ha. For someone like me with no life and who spends a lot of time on the internet... yikes. Sounds sad, but it’s true. I would miss Tumblr and surveys and checking my social medias and looking up random stuff and shopping online. I mean, obviously I’d have to adapt and move on, and hey maybe something good would come from it, but yeah just imagining that sounds awful haha. 2. What food are you craving at the moment? I’m not hungry right now, but I am thinking about that pizza I had Monday haha. It was SO good. I could definitely go for another. 3. Are you craving anything aside from food, and if so, what? I wanna travel. Last week my dad flew out to visit family and I was so envious that he was getting to fly somewhere and get out of town/state for a few days. I’ve only flown a total of 2 times, which was over 10 years ago now. I’ve gone along to take and pick up people from the airport many times; though, and each time I always get the urge to fly somewhere. I get this butterfly type feeling each time I’ve gone to the airport and I just wanna gooooo.

4. Where was the last place you went and what did you do there? I went to the doctor yesterday for my monthly check up on something ongoing I’ve been dealing with. 5. What was the highlight and low point of your summer (or whatever season you happen to be taking this in)? The only good parts about this summer was the few times I went to the beach, my birthday weekend vacation, saw some good movies, and my aunt (whom I’m super close with) came and stayed with a for a few days last week and it was really fun. Otherwise, I despise summer, it’s hot and miserable. I dread it every year and I just look forward to it being over. 6. What was the last change you made to your lifestyle? Hmm. 7. What was the last thing you gave up doing? Uhhh. I feel like I’ve given up on a lot of things in the last few years. Myself most of all. 8. Do you deal well with criticism? Does it make a difference if it’s constructive? I mean, if someone wants to offer some helpful, useful advice that could be beneficial to me that’s cool. Just don’t be rude about it. If I’m doing something and there’s possibly a better way to do it, then suggest that in a way that doesn’t come off condescending or rude. I’m most critical on myself anyway. I will say; though, it does annoy me if someone keeps telling me something that I should do that I already know I should do. Don’t criticize me constantly for it. Don’t nag me. 9. What was the last thing to boost your self-esteem? What sort of things typically make you feel good about yourself? My self-esteem is shit, but I know it’d be nice to get my hair done finally. It’s been over a year and it looks so bad and I always like how my hair looks and feels after I get it done. Like, I’m still a mess but at least my hair would look nice. 10. When it comes to food, do you prefer crunchy or softer textures? I like some crunch, but not hard. Like the right amount of crunch and crispiness, ya know? Depending on what it is, of course. I like soft textures as well. I eat everything with sauce, dips, or olive oil because I can’t eat things dry. Like my sandwiches, for example, I put a lot of mayo and mustard, but I also dip it in olive oil. Or like I eat eggs with ranch, unless I have country gravy with them. 11. Do you prefer savory or sweet things for breakfast? I just eat scrambled eggs with spinach and cheese for breakfast, sometimes in the form of a breakfast burrito. Hash browns are a great bonus. I used to eat like cereal, pop tarts, toaster strudels, granola bars, oatmeal, and waffles, but now I can’t eat a lot of sweet stuff anymore. Plus, I just prefer to have eggs. There’s more substance and I get something good out of it like protein. Honestly, I used to never even have breakfast at all, I just liked breakfast foods like I listed above. It’s only within the last year especially that I started to eat breakfast regularly. 12. When was the last time someone disappointed you? What about the last time you disappointed someone else? I’ve been very disappointed in myself for a long time. I feel like I’ve disappointed my family and former friends, too. 13. What is something you can’t seem to stop doing (or start)? I can’t seem to stop being a mess or start getting my shit together... 14. When was the last time you made a new friend? What about the last time you lost a friend? I haven’t made any friends in years. I lost all my friends over the past few years. 15. What was the last thing you were excited about? What about nervous? I was excited about having my aunt come and stay with us last week and for our beach trip last weekend. We had a really good time. As for nervous, this is a long story time so grab a snack and buckle up:

I was full on freaking out last Sunday, after having a great, relaxing time at the beach, because as we were turning the corner to our street, we got notifications on our phone from our security camera, which at almost 10 o’clock at night, was like wtf?? Before any of us had time to check it, we saw for ourselves the reason why it was going off: As we turned we saw firetrucks, smoke, and our neighbors all standing around outside, some of which were standing at our door, hence the security alerts going off. We saw our house and our neighbor’s house that we’re connected to engulfed in smoke. We had no idea what was going on, but our first and only thought and concern was our dog, who was in the house. I start literally crying and freaking out because like I said, we didn’t know what was going on, but what I described seeing as we turned the corner was terrifying and my only concern was my dog. My mom stops the car and she and my brother jump out and run up to our house. My brother comes back out running to the car with my dog, who was physically fine, THANK GOD, but very scared. She jumped in the back with me and I just held on to her the entire time while my mom, aunt, and brother went back to find out what the hell was going on. Turns out that our neighbor, whose house is connected to ours, was working on his car in the garage and his engine caught fire. Being that our houses are connected, the smoke came over to our side and filled up our garage. It was so bad that it was coming out the sides, which is why it looked like it was our house that had the fire. When my mom opened up the garage, she said the smoke was so thick that she couldn’t even see anything. It was crazy. The firefighters had to do a walkthrough of our house to make sure it was fine and checked for carbon monoxide and all that, and had to use their big blower thing to clear out the smoke in our garage. Our house was fine, we just had to open the windows up in our house and air it for awhile. The smell was strong; though, and the smoke was very irritating to my throat. OH, and the reason why our other neighbors were standing at our door was because they thought we were home asleep and they were trying to alert us of the fire. One girl even jumped our fence to bang on our backdoor. They were banging and yelling for awhile, apparently. My mom and I watched the video camera footage later and saw everything and omg it was so crazy. You can tell how scared and concerned they were. And the smoke was so bad at that point that they were coughing and covering their mouths, but they continued banging on our door and trying to yell out to alert us. D: It meant SO much that they cared and were genuinely concerned about us like that. We couldn’t stop thanking them. Ahh but anyway yeah, it was w i l d. And this was just a few days after there was another fire a few houses down from us. :O 16. What is something small that you take extremely personally? Hm. I don’t know. I’m a sensitive person, so. 17. What is your favorite thing about your favorite person? I don’t really have a favorite person. I love my family and I’m close to some more than others, but I don’t choose favorites like that. 18. What is something you wish other people knew about you? I don’t know. 19. What is something you wish others DIDN’T know? Uhhh. 20. When was the last time you comforted someone who was upset? When my aunt and I get together it always ends up turning into a therapy session between us. We stay up late and talk about everything and yeah, sometimes it gets pretty deep. Anyway, I was just lending an ear and letting her vent about some things. 21. What was going on the last time you couldn’t sleep? Every night I stay up and watch ASMR, Tumblr, and do surveys until I fall asleep. 22. What are your plans for the day ahead (or tomorrow if it’s late)? I don’t have any today, but tomorrow my mom and I are dropping off my brother and his friend at a concert. It’s out of town, so I wanted to tag along for the ride. 23. Do you tend to be more grumpy when you’re tired or when you’re hungry? Both. Like, I’m always tired, but when I first wake up you do not want to talk to me before I’ve had coffee and had time to wake up. I also get quite hangry. 24. When was the last time you yelled at someone? I don’t know. I yelled out to someone so they could hear me, but I don’t recall the last time I yelled at someone. 25. What types of things typically cause you to cry? Blah some days it’s like I’m on the verge of tears all day and any thing can set me off. Other times there’s a specific reason, other times it’s a combination or build up of things that lead to crying. There’s various reasons. I’m just a cry baby. 26. When was the last time someone else cried in your presence? It’s been awhile, actually. 27. What is one thing that would make your life a lot better? Better health. 28. What is something you are grateful to already have in your life? My family. 29. How would you describe your overall aesthetic? Leggings, graphic Ts, and Adidas. 30. What is one of your most positive characteristics? What about one of your most negative? Does it bother you when you see certain aspects of yourself in other people, or does it depend on the trait? I have a lot of negative traits. I’m struggling to think of something positive. I used to be someone who was there for others and willing to help anyway I could, but I haven’t been that way these past few years. I’ve become such a shitty person these past few years I feel like. :/

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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noahrambles-blog · 4 years

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Introduction - Who the fuck am I?

Hello void!

I made this blog so I could shout my questions into the void. My gender has been a big question for such a long time, but I’ve only started really wondering and analyzing recently. I feel like every step forward I make, I slowly inch backwards to where I was. Every epiphany, realization, moment of “thank you god I finally understand” eventually regresses back to confusion and frustration.

I’ve decided to start writing these realizations down. I find it’s easier to write to an audience, and frankly I hate writing in MS word. So, here I am, shouting into the void that is Tumblr. I’m not looking for advice from others, reassurance, nothing. I need to sit in my feelings and dig deep. I can’t get external validation or thoughts or questions or concerns. I’m just way too sensitive to others telling me what to do. Others’ expectations have forced me into the dark closet for too long and well, I’m done.

I’m in therapy currently to break down my past, which includes my parents’ expectations and the very traditional gender roles I grew up immersed in. Every time I think I’m getting somewhere in understanding my gender, I explain it away as “Oh, I’m just being sexist and stuck in those gender roles and stereotypes”. I was a tomboy as a kid? Doesn’t mean anything, girls can be masculine. Etc., etc.

Add on to all the fun confusion, that my partner came out as trans about a year ago. I love my wife dearly and I know she loves me too, no matter what (she’s well aware of everything I’m writing), but I worry that I’m only having these feelings because she’s having these feelings. When I met her, she told me how much she loved a particular video game, and I played it and loved it too, and we bonded over it. Same thing happened with multiple TV shows, hell, even backpacks vs laptop bags. Would I have loved these things without her influence? Granted, there are things that she loves that I don’t. She loves sardines on toast. Gross, right? Other games that I’ve tried and wasn’t a big fan of, instruments, drinks. We’re different people, but we basically grew up together, so of course we have similar interests and we both try each others’ interests. And since we’re so similar, there will be lots of overlap. And that’s okay! (I think. I hope.)

I think that this has really come up more in the past few years because my wife’s sibling came out as non-binary, which frankly, I knew what it was but not much more than that. Their experiences really mirrored my own, but because they used a lot of the same gender role language in their explanation, I wrote it off as them just being a bit sexist. But I fully supported them regardless.

Add on the fact that I moved out of my toxic parents’ house into an apartment with my wife. Meaning day-to-day I can just be...myself, rather than bending to fit this expectation they enforced on me. But I’d been under their thumb for so long, that I don’t really know who I am?

I was depressed for a really long time. I moved to Canada at 14, and the long winters only exacerbated it. I only feel like I’ve just come out of the fog. A few weeks ago, I went to my therapist to talk all this gender stuff out. I woke up the next morning feeling like garbage, but the two days after that? I haven’t felt that good in a long time. And I got married 10 months ago. I woke up with energy and motivation and desire. I wanted to go shopping and get new clothes, go to the movies, go out and have some beer. I just wanted to be out on the town and in public. I’ve been spending all my time in my apartment for years, so it was pretty weird.

My wife’s sibling got top surgery earlier this year and gave me their binders (since they didn’t need them anymore!) The first time I tried one on, I had a half second of “fuck yeah” followed by hours of utter dread and despair. I’m not 100% sure what caused it, but I think it was from the realization that it didn’t make me completely flat. I didn’t wear it again for a few weeks, but one day I tried it again on a whim, and I haven’t really gone a day without wearing one since. I don’t love the 8 hour time limit (and I work 8.5-9 hours per day, so it’s often a lot longer, which I know is bad) and I don’t love the, well, binding feeling. But it’s nice to be warm all the time!

My other big indicator was when my wife bought me a strap on. We’d discussed me topping a few times in the past and once she came out, she was really interested. So we ordered a strapless dildo. But I couldn’t for the life of me figure it out. If it was in me, it wasn’t in her, and vice versa. We probably did this for 15, 20 minutes, and I was just getting more and more frustrated and upset. I kept trying, even though I was not really in the mood anymore. And then! It was in both of us! And I could move it! And it was so exciting! And then I was hit (again) by a wave of dread and despair. I couldn’t feel anything. I knew my wife was loving it, but I felt like dying. I couldn’t feel anything! I pulled out and laid down and cried. I’m sure my wife was so flustered, it did sort of come out of nowhere from her perspective.

We haven’t used that dildo again, but I convinced myself afterward that my breakdown was due to my frustration - I’m really bad at being bad at things. I need to be really good at things, otherwise I get frustrated and quit.

Because of this, we decided to buy a harness and try that instead. We went on vacation and we tried it out. Hoo boy, it was amazing! Looking down and seeing it gave me so much joy! (We had some awesome sex that night. Even me not being able to feel anything didn’t kill the vibe).

We’ve had sex a few times since then, but each time I get a little more dysphoric. We haven’t done anything recently, because I was hoping to analyze what’s going on without the dysphoria during sex, and overall pressure to perform. Since my wife came out, she’s much harder to read. It’s hard to tell what she’s into and what she’s not, because her tastes changed too. I know this means that we should do it more, but I’ve been getting overwhelmed trying to pleasure her, when my new dysphoria has also changed my own tastes and what I like and don’t like. I don’t really ‘finish’ much anymore, partially because my wife isn’t taking initiative and I have a really hard time asking for what I want or need. And I know sex isn’t about that, but all of these factors make it difficult to want it.

So in the meantime, life has been difficult and confusing. But also I’ve been happier than I have been in a while? The mornings aren’t as difficult, sleep comes more easily, I have more confidence day-to-day. And this is all just from considering these issues.

I bought all these gender-affirming clothes (I USED THE TERM GENDER-AFFIRMING CLOTHES BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT MY GENDER IS WHAT THE FUCK) that are honestly amazing, even though they’re super simple men’s clothes. Boxer briefs are literally my new favorite things.

I think I’m definitely on the masculine end of the spectrum. Going back to wearing panties (and I always wore granny panties) and bras makes me feel gross, not to mention women’s lingerie. Dresses and skirts are a huge no. Heels are a hell no. Wearing my binder makes me feel like a person. So am I non-binary or a transgender man?

What I do know is this:

- I’ve never wanted to be a mom, but I really like the idea of being a dad. I don’t know what the difference is, but apparently there is one.

- I’ve always disliked my voice - anytime I hear it played back, it makes me feel physically ill. I wish it was deeper. I need to work on stopping artificially raising it (it is relatively low for someone who is AFAB and when I felt that I needed to be feminine and lovely and whatever, I learned to raise it and now it’s kinda stuck in “customer service mode”)

- I like the idea of getting smaller hips through fat redistribution. This dysphoria is actually new today. I haven’t had any issues with this but today I saw myself in the mirror and looked back at past pictures and my hips look massive.

- Surprisingly, the idea of bottom growth on t doesn’t weird me out?

- I’m terrified of hair loss.

- I really want to fully embrace the academic professor aesthetic. I love the collared shirt under sweater look. I just need some elbow patches and a tweed blazer. I already have the oxfords.

- I’m terrified at the thought of coming out to anyone except my wife. Part of my family would be chill, the other would not. My work is made up of quite conservative people and even the “allies” are misguided. My immediate coworkers would probably be okay with a transition to a binary gender, but I feel like asking for they/them pronouns would result in being misgendered constantly. But I guess I’m being misgendered constantly anyway.

- I’m feeling less and less connection to my pronouns/feminine descriptors. It just doesn’t feel like me.

- I want to get stronger so I can pick up and toss around my wife cause I feel like she’d love that. And I think it would be kinda fun too. I already love pushing her onto the bed. Picking her up and tossing her onto the bed? Hot.

Anyway. This was a lot and was basically just me pouring my thoughts onto this page. There will definitely be more to come.

Goodnight!

Noah

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elaeomyxa · 4 years

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*chants* tell me about your oc's! Tell me about your OC's! TELL ME ABOUT YOUR OC's!!!! (only if ya wanna) :3

OK SO

I've already ranted about Sasha here before, so basically I'm just gonna give you the gist of the whole story.

Sasha is a human who gets swept up in this mysterious company where their whole purpose is to stop nightmares. The deal with nightmares is that parasitic entities attach themselves onto various creatures and then feed off of their deepest fears, eventually growing a corporeal form based off of them. The company sorts its workers into groups, where each group's job is to go into the mindscapes of people to fight the nightmares before they can escape. The company is entirely run by sentient non-humans, because humans don't possess the ability to go into people's mindscapes, or see the corporeal forms of nightmares. (The whole workaround for Sasha is that she's not entirely human.) Due to that, humans are kind if discriminated against in the community. The whole reason that Sasha doesn't get found out immediately is that everyone has to hide their identity to work for the company. Anyways, she's found out after she gets hurt during their first assignment, and the others kind of shun her. She ends up striking a deal with an entity from her dreams in order to make herself stronger, but just ends up getting possessed and she disappears. So the rest of the group finds out and then they have to go on an adventure to get back to where they were back before they were staying at the company, because they need to get some sort of memory from their childhood in order to do a spell to release Sasha (they need memories, specifically, for... Plot Reasons). And that pretty much brings us to a place where we can talk about all their backgrounds.

So first is Nix, he's a fire elemental. He's fairly tall, sort of lean and muscular, and mixed black/east asian. He's got half shaved hair in long dreads that fade from red to yellow, and he's missing an arm and half of his face. He's the self proclaimed leader of the group, and is just overall peppy and cheerful. He's still quite smart and capable, though, so it wouldn't be a good idea to underestimate him. He helps others, even if it may be to his detriment, and he was actually the one who had introduced Sasha to the company when he found out that she could see nightmares. The way he hides his identity is with a welding mask. The deal with fire elementals is that they pretty much live with humans, blending in and that jazz. Nix used to live in a small village with his family, when there was a flood that wiped out all but him. He was only able to survive because of his parents sacrificing themselves, so now there's that whole thing with his guilt.

Next is Kai. She's genderfluid, so I use alternating he/she pronouns for him. She's sort of an anarchist, sort of pessimistic, sort of sarcastic, sort of chaotic, and sort of an ass. He's in a love/hate relationship with Nix, though that could change for her. He's a changeling, but ever since the family whose child the fae had used her to replace kicked him out, she's taken on more the appearance of a usual fairy. That is, short, winged, pointy eared, and pink. He's actually got red bug eyes, with two extra ones above each primary eye. She's got blue freckles, and a short pink side shave with a blue streak. The shaved parts actually appear to be a bunch of short, dense flowers. He hides her identity with a ski mask. So basically after he was abandoned, she was homeless.

Next is Apollo. He's an incubus, but kinda decided "fuck that," which has actually been taken pretty well within their society. He's taller than average and has a chubby build and curly ginger hair, always partially tied back. He has yellow eyes, and he's kinda freckled. He's also got horns and a tail, cause, y'know, demon. He's got real bad anxiety, though he's pretty much the only one in the group with any common sense. He really doesn't want to be working for the company, but once he joined he couldn't leave. So now he's pretty exasperated of his team's antics, but he's still nice to them. He hides his identity with a face mask and sunglasses. See, in this ~universe~ succ/incubuses aren't actually that bad. They don't feast off of souls, they just gain energy from getting it on. They can use their power of charm to convince people to do things, but they never actually use it to gain consent if the human wouldn't otherwise. Their whole deal is that they gain energy from sex, and it's not sex if the human doesn't consent. They're actually a lot stricter with that than some people are. They deal with people not wanting to get in the business of sexing people up pretty well, and they always do their best to find alternative ways to get then energy. Since Apollo's away from them, though, he's pretty much tired all of the time. He gets by on human food and such, but he's hardly ever able to do magic and such. He only really left their society as a sort of vacation, but then he got stuck working for the company.

Next is Ari. I'm love her. She's a species, that's for sure. By that i mean I haven't found a name for her species yet, so that sucks. As for appearance wise, her eyes are kind of hard to describe. Ice used the term "forth dimensional googly eye" before, but idk how well that works. Well, just imagine a snowglobe but instead of snow it's jam packed with bunch of eyes of various size, color, and species. Her skin is just a bunch of mottled colors. She's very cold, flat, and inexpressive. She doesn't interact with the others in the team much, but she's fiercely protective. She has a few misfit animals that she rescued from off the street, one of them being a legless calico. Honestly, with the way the cat acts she's not sure if she adopted it or the other way around. She hides her identity with just a huge cloak. She's got chronic pain and a limp, though she hasn't really done anything about this because of the way she was raised. Speaking of that, she's sort of the runaway royalty type. She was born of an affair between the queen and a servant, so she's kind of resented for that. The thing is, her society has a caste system based off of the amount of eyes and markings on skin. The "royalty" are supposed to have one eye and perfectly clear skin, and so Ari's had to learn from a very young age to use glamour to pretend to be that way. But yeah, she's been expected to be perfect for her entire childhood, so that kind of fucked her up.

Lastly, there's Iya. Xe's a bipedal speckled black fox, and has orange yellow eyes. Xe's pretty much the height that a normal fox would be on two legs, so, that is: not very tall. Xe hides their face with a veil on xyr hat. I have yet to add xyr pronouns to my phone's dictionary yet, so that's fun. Anyways, xe's very arrogant, and seems to act like they're royalty. Xe's also pretty repressed due to their childhood, but xe hasn't realized that xyr childhood was bad. Xe was expected to be a fierce warrior pretty much birth, so that means that xe feels llike xe isn't allowed to feel any vulnerability. Xe really cares for xyr teammates, but is afraid to show it.

Ari, Apollo, and Iya have banded together (some more reluctantly than others) to get Kai and Nix together because their constant almost-flirting was pissing them off, so I've started referring to them as the matchmaking crew.

I also am probably really bad at describing them visually, so I might sketch them all later.

#long post #anon i would die for you #also this isn't even all of the story but i feel like if i wrote out the whole thibg that this answer would be novel length

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feral-animal-blog · 6 years

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Just need a place to vent

Today has been the shits. First im pmsing hard core. My laptop and phone started doing this dumb thing so I wasn't able to put the new music on it because I didn't have file transfer or some shit which is dumb. It's not a new phone and I haven't changed any settings or downloaded any new apps. So I dunno wtf that was about. Took me 2 hours to put 50 songs on my phone.

Next I got into an argument on a Facebook post. (I don't think I've ever voiced my opinion on a post before but this dude was fucking ignorant and arrogant.) Was talking about how minimum wage shouldn't be increased to what they say it will be because all minimum wage workers are uneducated slobs who don't want to better themselves. Well that doesn't sit right with me. When I moved out of my parents house I moved in with my (ex) bf and a roommate. The roommate eventually left and my bf at the time left to get a better job up north and said I'd join him when he did. We ended up breaking up and I was stuck with a 1000$ rent and only making 800$ a pay check. That doesn't even included electric/water bills, car insurance, food and some female neccisities. To top it off this guy is a business owner. Like wtf? Do you really have that little care for your employees so much that you rather have more money than they have food in their bellies. Anyways that fired me up for what happened next.

I know this part is going to sound like utter gibberish but I play World of Wacraft. I have for a while, and I was in a guild that was awesome. They gave me and my boyfriend officer roles to help maintain the 300 people we have in the guild. Cool. At the start it was just my boyfriend and I pugging mythic+ keys trying to get better and the game. Eventually the raid lead of the guild said we should be having a hard core mythic+ group and a just for fun mythic+ group. We joined up with 2 other guys to do the dungeons with and eventually another guy joined to make a full group. We all meshed well together. We became very good friends. So much that my boyfriend and I are going to go and visit them in the states. Any who, our "job" was to help people with keys and get better. For months we posted in guild chat asking if anyone needed their keys done. Or if anyone wanted to join us, we never got any reply expect for a few people who joined every once it a while. That's cool, we'll just switch people out so everyone can get their 15 gear in a weekly chest. Eventually no one replied, we had to whisper people to see and they said no. No one was taking it as serious as us.

Months go by and our 5 core people started progressing on keys. We run key every single day to get better and learn mechanics. Still try and get people to join but not very many people do. Sure ok cool. But then our GM comes in saying we are a clique and that we need to stop grouping together because it's making other people feel bad. Like who though? We ask and ask and no body answers us. But that's not the root of the problem.

The root is that the GM and her husband run the guild. He raid leads and she gets everything together. They were having marital issues and taking it out on all the officers who help run the guild. Totally unfair, saying we aren't doing this or that. That we don't care about them. (Mostly the GM saying we never ask how she is although I did a few times and got one worded answers. Like how am I supposed to be able to help her or listen to her when she does that.

And then there is the raid. The raid lead did not want to do mythic progression and was teaching the Co gm how to run it cause he was think of quitting the game for awhile. The couple made up and apologized. But the raid lead always comes in with a shit attitude and it effects all 20-30 of our attitudes. The GM would always say we are too quiet and needed to liven up but we couldn't because wed be told to shut up or stop talking so much so we could focus. Uh okay?

On top of that out of 20 mythic raiders only 12 deserved to be there. All the others weren't gear enough, stat weights weren't right, didn't have the skill or simple just didn't know their class or spec nor wanted to learn about it. They just log on raid days collect the loot other people deserved and logged out unil next week. Where as us serious players got shit loot, I'm luck everything I got titan forged.

When we joined the guild the GM told everybody it was a drama free place. Where she was the one creating all the drama. About 10 of us got so sick of it and that lead to today....

A different Co gm posted in discord officer chat that we needed to have a mandatory guild meeting about the click issue and that whoever didn't show up would be demoted or kicked. That obviously started a burning rage in my friends group.

We all discussed in on private messages and just logged into game so we can all talk with each other about what was happen. We joined discord and eventually the Co gm joined and we actually had a civil conversation about what was happening. It was fine and everyone was calm and voicing their opinions without getting butt hurt.

Then came in the GM guns just fucking blazing. Yelling at us for this and for that and for not paying attention to her all the time. After about an hour of all the guys trying to say their opinions on everything but she would just not stop yelling and treating us like children.

I snapped.

I told her she was to fucking emotional to be running a guild. That we were not mythic progression ready and that she sucked at the new character she made. We shouldn't of even been bringing her into mythic raids because the people who actually did mechanics suffered. I told her she was bitching about every little thing and that not everything is about her. I was yelling and crying and everyone in party chat was like HOLY SHIT SHE DOES HAVE A BIGGER DICK THEN US!

Right after I let everything out the Co gm who is friends with us left the guild. Another followed, I did the same and so did my boyfriend. Turns out about another 5 people left the guild when we did as well. That's 10 people out of a 20 man raid gone. Who were all mostly their best dps just gone. Because she couldn't handle her shit.

I broke down balling after but all the dudes helped cheer me back up. Thank god for them. I was shaking I was so mad. Pmsing, haven't slept more then 3 hours a night for the past 2 weeks. I haven't eaten anything more than 2 cheese strings and tea a day. Was the wrong time to bring all this shit up.

But all of us that left the guild are taking a night off and will regroup tomorrow to see what we are going to do. We might server change and join a guild who is more into their progression then the last one. A few of the guys said they wanted to wait to join a guild until my boyfriend and I get back from our 2 month vacation but we said not to obviously. They can be working on that progression whilst we are gone.

I'm so glad I have all those guys. They are really great people. And they really care. Just way to much drama for me to handle. I don't even have that much drama in real life.

I know.. I know.... it's just a video game. Buts it's also not. I have no real life friends and no job at the moment because I'm leaving for a while. I have nothing else to do. I'm depressed and lonely and just overall sad. I play video games because it's a home away from home. I don't want to dread logging on or join raids because of all the nonsense drama going on there. I play to escape my real life.

But that's it.. needed to let it out somewhere. My mom gave me a hug today and I was shaking I was so angry even before the meeting. I need more hugs...

#personal

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