#I always knew that Garrus' and my Shepard's relationship wasn't ideal

[robotslenderman]

I came so close to Tali's suicide in ME3.

So because of the paragon/renegade lockout issues I ended up with an exiled Tali (instead of shaming the quarian fleet into keeping her, which my Shepard wanted to do so badly lmao). So she wasn't an admiral, so in ME3... I couldn't make peace between the quarians and the geth.

I (Shepard) chose the Geth, at first. Because they had a right to defend themselves. I told Tali to try and call off the quarians and let Legion upload the data or whatever he was doing.

At this point you get about, what, three chances to change your mind before the data uploads.

The quarians refused. Cue first opportunity to change your mind.

I stuck with it. No, Legion, keep uploading.

Then Tali begged the fleet some more. Nope. They're going to keep firing.

Stuck with it...

and then Tali walked up to Legion and just. starts pleading. I can't remember if she tugged his "sleeve" or just pawed at him or wrung her hands but. The sight of Tali absolutely desperate just. hurt my heart.

My Shepard and I couldn't go through with it. Tried to stop Legion from uploading, had to kill Legion.

Wasn't until after I finished my playthrough that I learned that if you commit to the geth, Tali commits suicide.

ME3 broke my Shepard. Afterwards, she had a mental breakdown, dealt with suicidal ideation for years, and basically became agoraphobic in the aftermath. She had to hire two krogan bodyguards because it'd be the only way she'd feel safe enough to go outside to go for a walk because she was so scared of people reaching out to her for help again, help she couldn't give. The krogan kept strangers away from her. Let her go out without having people need things from her.

But if Tali died? Jesus. I can't think of how my Shepard could have become any more fucked up but it would've happened. My Shepard had already broke at that point and spent Thane onwards on the brink of a mental breakdown, but if Tali died... I can't imagine how much worse it would've been.

She was already bursting into random bouts of crying on the ship, couldn't talk to crew because she was terrified she'd burst into tears while talking to them. She was pulling away from Garrus and he was having more and more difficulty reaching her. She was starting to act suicidal on the battlefield and endangering herself and her squad by trying to fight brutes hand to hand, and more than once would get cornered by two or three and almost die before Liara or Garrus hauled her out of the fire.

(She and Garrus would have a blowout fight over this after Leviathan, after that scene where Shepard's on the ground and the brutes are encroaching and almost killed her. Shepard thought Garrus was overstepping his authority, as their relationship had always managed to keep "work" separate. Garrus was like THIS IS TOTALLY UNNECESSARY CAN YOU STOP TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF?)

At that point, in my headcanon, Garrus and Liara were in talks behind her back with Admiral Hackett about removing her because she was losing it -- Hackett was refusing to sanction it because the galaxy needed to believe Shepard was in charge, many people would only negotiate with Shepard but nobody else, etc -- basically so much hinged on Shepard being in command of the Normandy.

But Shepard's mental health was spiralling and Liara and Garrus were pushing Hackett more and more to relieve her from duty and were seriously considering mutiny.

Luckily the next major trigger -- Thessia -- instead of sending her further down the spiral made her so pissed off that she was basically spending her time raging and throwing things instead of crying. Which, well, for her, was an improvement. Garrus and Liara could work with that -- get her to spar with EDI so she couldn't hurt anyone, get her to work out to exhaustion. She still did suicidal shit on the battlefield, but her anger gave her an extra edge she hadn't had before.

But if Tali had died? They might have actually had to pull the trigger. They might have actually had to mutiny. And at that point, both Garrus and Liara knew, it'd be signing her death warrant. Shepard would almost certainly attempt suicide if she was removed from duty. Fighting the Reaper War was the only reason she was keeping herself alive, so it was obvious what would happen if they took that reason away from her.

But at that point it was, well... battle arithmetic. She was endangering herself and others on the battlefield. It was getting to the point where Garrus and Liara had to choose between her life and the lives of her comrades-in-arms.

And, well -- when they had to flee during the Aralakh Company mission and Shepard was fighting Garrus and trying to run to Grunt as he dragged her away with all his strength, all Garrus could think was that the day where they pulled the trigger was getting closer and closer.

It was a huge relief when Shepard finally stopped fighting Garrus and ran with him. It gave him some hope that maybe she'd come around before they had to do it.

And luckily... the war ended before they had to make that choice. But it was a very, very near thing.

If Tali had committed suicide? They might have had to make that choice a lot earlier.

#suicide cw #Mass Effect #I may be misremembering this slightly #might have been the second opportunity and not the third that Tali started begging #but anyway #I always knew that Garrus' and my Shepard's relationship wasn't ideal #but almost ten years on it's much more apparent to me how unhealthy it actually was #they never really had the time to develop a healthy relationship #instead it was just... Garrus trying to keep her from going over the edge and losing ground day by day #and after that he had her medical care to worry about #he never got to know her at her best #truly at her best #not her professional best -- he'd seen that plenty of times -- #but her personal best #their relationship makes me really sad now #Lola Shepard #headcanon #Garrus Vakarian

[hustlemeanokay]

So, okay... as I'm playing through ME1 with Andi Shepard and doing all this stuff while following the Kaidan romance track, my memory keeps getting jogged and last night I was thinking about the whole Kaidan thing and about how hard it is to play it out knowing Shepard's going to die at the beginning of the second game. (... Spoilers? It's been 11 years people...) But that got me thinking about how Kaidan acts on Horizon in ME2. And...

Seriously! You say you love this woman, you thought she was fucking dead... and you hear rumors that she's actually not... and you do what? Fuckall nothing? And then you actually see her and... what? I mean I get being all discombobulated by seeing someone you thought was dead but Garrus had it right when he was all "wait... you knew?" And then he's all "you betrayed me." Dude, she fucking died. She died cold and fucking alone in the dark. And you have the fucking balls to come at her with that? I understand game constraints and all of that but Shepard should have had the option to tell Kaidan to fuck right off with that and to tell him how much that shit was so not okay. Meanwhile, Garrus is back there all

Especially when they reunite in ME3 and he pulls that shit on the elevator. And she has to fucking placate his ass. Like, it takes Vega stepping in for Kaidan to fucking believe her? And further in where he fucking straight up says he doesn't believe her, doesn't believe that she's actually her and not some fucking Cerberus puppet. I mean...

Like, okay, I get it. His ideals are super rigid, he's 100% alliance, I understand that. And Cerberus violates all of that. Like, okay - so he didn't try to find her when he heard rumors, she didn't contact him in the whole fucking week she'd been awake. Okay. But when he saw her on Horizon... just... people beg, plead, scream, cry, bargain, would do anything for a another moment with someone they love who has died. For just one more moment, one more hug, one more kiss, one more word. And he got that. He got the completely impossible. And what does he do? He just... craps all over it. I get being shocked and not reacting well, it happens. But it just continues. If you wanted to play it a certain way, there's no fucking wonder she goes to Garrus - if you play it like that. Because Garrus is just there, she shows up, he's like "god damn. there you are." And he's right there. By her side, no questions asked. Nothing. No judgements, nothing. Because it's Shepard. Even if you don't romance him, he's there. Because he loves Shepard, from day one. It doesn't have to be romantic but it is true. Same with Liara. Except, Liara knew all along that Shepard was being rebuilt, seeing as how she gave the body to Cerberus. (Spoilers?) But the point is - between Liara and Garrus, Kaidan reacts shitty. Completely and 100% shitty. I can't remember how Ashley reacts so I can't comment on that. But Kaidan...

I know not everyone is as sensitive as others but Kaidan straight up hurts Shepard on Horizon and continues to do so until like half way through ME3 and then he just expects them to be okay. Like, he expects her to just kinda forget all of that. He holds Cerberus against her. Something that, in the beginning, she had zero control over. That's all she did. That's it. He fucking treated her like crap for about a year. Tried to say she wasn't real, she wasn't her, she was a puppet, she was actually a part of Cerberus, she betrayed the alliance, she betrayed him, she turned her back on everything, and all of that. He continued to not trust her, not believe her, even when she tried to tell him the truth, even when evidence was being presented. It took other people stepping in for him to believe what was being said. That's the kind of shit that sticks with someone. It hurts. And some wounds run deep. And in that letter after Horizon, he straight up says he's dating - which is fine, she was dead - that's fine. But then have Shepard see someone in ME2, while they weren't even together...

... [that line always cracks me up] and Kaidan gets all pissy about it. Says she "cheated". It's like dude, no she did not. He made himself extremely clear. Just because Shepard doesn't react in game, doesn't mean that what he does wouldn't hurt a normal person's feelings. Wouldn't wound the relationship between them. He holds her emotionally hostage and the only way they get back together, again, like I said, is if she placates him. Be nice. If she isn't? Well, no dice.

So yeah... while I do like Kaidan, I don't like that Shepard wasn't given the opportunity to tell him to fuck right off on Horizon. Or to at least reply to his letter with something that expresses her own feelings on the matter. Like I mentioned, she fucking died. And she remembers that shit. Does he even think about that? Does he even mention that. Think about what that's done to her. And while she was being rebuilt, she fucking woke up. She woke the fuck up! Imagine the excruciating pain and confusion. And she remembers that shit. Her mind and body have been through nothing but intense trauma for two years. He mourned, yes. But he started to move on. It was literally impossible for her to do the same. Which is the point of head canons and fan fics, right? To fill in these emotional gaps.

-Yes I know I rambled and repeated myself-

#mass effect #kaidan alenko #kaidan x shepard #opinions #spoilers #mass effect legendary edition #gif heavy #rando musings