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#might have been the second opportunity and not the third that Tali started begging
robotslenderman · 3 years
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I came so close to Tali's suicide in ME3.
So because of the paragon/renegade lockout issues I ended up with an exiled Tali (instead of shaming the quarian fleet into keeping her, which my Shepard wanted to do so badly lmao). So she wasn't an admiral, so in ME3... I couldn't make peace between the quarians and the geth.
I (Shepard) chose the Geth, at first. Because they had a right to defend themselves. I told Tali to try and call off the quarians and let Legion upload the data or whatever he was doing.
At this point you get about, what, three chances to change your mind before the data uploads.
The quarians refused. Cue first opportunity to change your mind.
I stuck with it. No, Legion, keep uploading.
Then Tali begged the fleet some more. Nope. They're going to keep firing.
Stuck with it...
and then Tali walked up to Legion and just. starts pleading. I can't remember if she tugged his "sleeve" or just pawed at him or wrung her hands but. The sight of Tali absolutely desperate just. hurt my heart.
My Shepard and I couldn't go through with it. Tried to stop Legion from uploading, had to kill Legion.
Wasn't until after I finished my playthrough that I learned that if you commit to the geth, Tali commits suicide.
ME3 broke my Shepard. Afterwards, she had a mental breakdown, dealt with suicidal ideation for years, and basically became agoraphobic in the aftermath. She had to hire two krogan bodyguards because it'd be the only way she'd feel safe enough to go outside to go for a walk because she was so scared of people reaching out to her for help again, help she couldn't give. The krogan kept strangers away from her. Let her go out without having people need things from her.
But if Tali died? Jesus. I can't think of how my Shepard could have become any more fucked up but it would've happened. My Shepard had already broke at that point and spent Thane onwards on the brink of a mental breakdown, but if Tali died... I can't imagine how much worse it would've been.
She was already bursting into random bouts of crying on the ship, couldn't talk to crew because she was terrified she'd burst into tears while talking to them. She was pulling away from Garrus and he was having more and more difficulty reaching her. She was starting to act suicidal on the battlefield and endangering herself and her squad by trying to fight brutes hand to hand, and more than once would get cornered by two or three and almost die before Liara or Garrus hauled her out of the fire.
(She and Garrus would have a blowout fight over this after Leviathan, after that scene where Shepard's on the ground and the brutes are encroaching and almost killed her. Shepard thought Garrus was overstepping his authority, as their relationship had always managed to keep "work" separate. Garrus was like THIS IS TOTALLY UNNECESSARY CAN YOU STOP TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF?)
At that point, in my headcanon, Garrus and Liara were in talks behind her back with Admiral Hackett about removing her because she was losing it -- Hackett was refusing to sanction it because the galaxy needed to believe Shepard was in charge, many people would only negotiate with Shepard but nobody else, etc -- basically so much hinged on Shepard being in command of the Normandy.
But Shepard's mental health was spiralling and Liara and Garrus were pushing Hackett more and more to relieve her from duty and were seriously considering mutiny.
Luckily the next major trigger -- Thessia -- instead of sending her further down the spiral made her so pissed off that she was basically spending her time raging and throwing things instead of crying. Which, well, for her, was an improvement. Garrus and Liara could work with that -- get her to spar with EDI so she couldn't hurt anyone, get her to work out to exhaustion. She still did suicidal shit on the battlefield, but her anger gave her an extra edge she hadn't had before.
But if Tali had died? They might have actually had to pull the trigger. They might have actually had to mutiny. And at that point, both Garrus and Liara knew, it'd be signing her death warrant. Shepard would almost certainly attempt suicide if she was removed from duty. Fighting the Reaper War was the only reason she was keeping herself alive, so it was obvious what would happen if they took that reason away from her.
But at that point it was, well... battle arithmetic. She was endangering herself and others on the battlefield. It was getting to the point where Garrus and Liara had to choose between her life and the lives of her comrades-in-arms.
And, well -- when they had to flee during the Aralakh Company mission and Shepard was fighting Garrus and trying to run to Grunt as he dragged her away with all his strength, all Garrus could think was that the day where they pulled the trigger was getting closer and closer.
It was a huge relief when Shepard finally stopped fighting Garrus and ran with him. It gave him some hope that maybe she'd come around before they had to do it.
And luckily... the war ended before they had to make that choice. But it was a very, very near thing.
If Tali had committed suicide? They might have had to make that choice a lot earlier.
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peacefulrestvalley · 6 years
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Cygnus, an Arcana fic
For @trans1ents and @thearcanasecretsanta
Confession: I totally thought the deadline for this was Christmas and thought I was like the worst secret Santa for not finishing it, but it turns out that I am just the worst secret Santa because I totally let @trans1ents know ahead of time to apologize for being late :(
Anyway, so this is a Muriel fic featuring @trans1ents‘s apprentice Kayane!  It was kind of strange to write someone else’s character, but I had fun with it.  I can only hope that I did him justice.
Thanks!
When the stars shone so bright under the night sky, Kayane couldn't help but take a walk.
Asra was gone.  Faust was...somewhere?  And nowhere was the inclination to deal with the Countess and her goose chase.
Alright, it wasn't as if he didn't want to help the Countess, and it wasn't as if he didn't want to know what was really going on with them all, but by the gods if it wasn't a beautiful night with the stars gleaming as they were.  He was determined to not place a single care in front of them, lest he hurt their feelings for displaying his stupidly mortal concerns.  
...Actually, no, that wasn't the case; but he did just want to clear his mind for one night.
It wasn't anywhere as unholy as the Rowdy Raven, but Kayane made his way into an acceptable tavern in time.
There was laughter, raucous cheering in one corner, and some snogging in another.  A small smirk placed itself on Kayane's lips, for he felt more at home here than at the Countess's estate.  He went up to the bar and ordered something to take his mind off things, but honestly what he ordered barely registered to him the moment it lifted off his tongue.
A star had fallen.
The part of Kayane wanting to get drunk as all get-out laughed at this notion while the more romantic parts of him came to life and began to sing, as much as his hopeful royal drunkenness wanted them to stop for his own sanity.
He was draped in a dark hood, and Kayane heard the sound of chains scrape against the counter, ever-so-slightly.  Dark brows above dark eyes above a dark expression.  Gods only knew what brought him here.
Ex-fighter, he knew that much.
Almost immediately Kayane crossed several stools to meet him.  He wasn't sure why, and if questioned he might even deny taking that much effort in to meet this tall and dark stranger.  But what he couldn't deny was the fascination, the pull.  Maybe he had just gotten drunk without even trying.
For a brief second - honestly, just a second - the stranger oh-so-slightly raised an eyebrow at Kayane, but in time he would learn to see that as just a simple acknowledgement.  It wasn't until he was halfway through his nebulous drink that he heard something from Mr. Tall, Dark & Handsome:
"Hn."
That was it. There it was.  That was the grand introduction Kayane had hoped for, all wrapped up and served to him on one of the Countess's silver platters.  And the stars that dropped their own Mr. Tall, Dark & Handsome wept...somewhere.
Kayane narrowed his eyes.
"Something wrong, big guy?"
For a moment, Mr. Tall, Dark & Handsome looked surprised.  But it was for a brief moment and then he wordlessly shook his head with nothing to come of it.
Another drink followed, falling just as quickly into the grand uncertainty of life and hopeful inebriation as the previous one had.  There were a few questions on Kayane's mind, and perhaps if it was anyone else, they all would have been shot at will and scattered before anyone could have had an opportunity to react.  But for this stranger, he was willing to exercise some restraint, particularly because he had never even formally heard Mr. Tall, Dark & Handsome speak.
Two could play at the game, one part of him said, while the other died, and yet still a third, smarter part insisted that he was making too much of one moment and to just talk to him already dammit because sometimes people are shy.
However, all parts of him panicked just the same when the handsome rogue in question did the unthinkable:
He paid his tab and left the bar.
There were a few moments where Kayane simply sat at his stool, moments of inertia that could have been turned into moments of action and triumph.  
It was just as well since you had never even actually connected with the man, Kayane's more reasonable part tried to plead as his body moved on his own and it downed the remainder of the second drink.  
Lots of people go to the bar for a drink or two, and not everyone has the chance to sit beside a fallen star like you did, and - hey where are you going, reason continued as Kayane proceeded to go.
Not everyone you like is obligated to even acknowledge you exist, it went on as Kayane did, too, onto the dark streets.  Fortunately he didn't have to go far since what he was looking for was rather close.
Good, that stupid, rational part of him could shut up then.
"Hey, sorry," Kayane began as Mr. Tall, Dark & Handsome stopped in his tracks at the sound.  "I know this is a little weird, and I'm not trying to, like, stalk you or do anything creepy or whatever. You just left before I could, uh, say, um..."
Mid-sentence he realized just how insane he sounded.  Maybe that part of him that was jabbering before was right; not everyone he liked was obligated to interact with him, and yet there he was, flagging down a mysterious man in the dark and not even having the decency to make up for it by sounding cool.
"...It's a nice night."
In the midst of his own internal chaos, Kayane almost didn't even catch what sounded as bits of gravel thrown into the wind and hitting all the right parts of the stone path in a strange, almost melodic rhythm.
"Y-yeah."
A simple head gesture, a quick tilt to a certain direction, was all it took for Kayane to go following Mr. Tall, Dark & Handsome as he started down the road until the two of them were beside one another in equal stride.
"I'm Kayane Talis," Kayane Talis said, because that's who he was.
For a second, he almost mistook the clinking sound of chains as a legitimate response and was in the process of internally laughing at himself when he heard what was strangely one of the most beautiful sound of that moment in time.  More gravel hitting the stone before them.
"Muriel."
And that's who he was.
"Muriel," Kayane repeated to confirm it on his own.
He almost expected him to repeat Muriel but in honesty that was asking for too much.  Instead Muriel simply inclined his head and kept his eyes on the road before them.
In retrospect and a moment that Kayane would later smile to himself about, that was the smart, almost protective decision because he himself didn't know where the hell they were at nor did he really give a damn as long as they were together.  A part of him wanted Muriel's eyes to be on him and nothing else, but the rational part of him knew that it was too soon to expect a virtual stranger to actually care about him.  But all parts would later realize that keeping an eye on their surroundings, to be vigilant for them, was Muriel's own way of caring.
Kayane was thankful they had left the lights of the tavern and were heading down one of the Countess's sparsely lit roads because his cheeks were so goddamn red.  It was a crush and they had only started talking, he rationalized as he practically begged himself to stop taking things so seriously too soon.  After all, they had literally just finished with formal instructions and already he was picturing cute breakfast moments and silly, flirtatious banter.
When Muriel gave a questioning sound, it was too late for Kayane to realize that the internal sigh he gave himself out of his own perceived ridiculousness was actually an external one.
"Y'know," he began out of embarrassment and being overwhelmed by his own emotions, "I am so sorry.  You were just minding your business, wanting to have a drink to yourself, and here I come just spoiling all that.  You can't even leave in peace because here I am again, out here following you like some kind of creep.  I am so, so sorry."
Not a sound nor gesture came from Muriel in response to that and that just made the bottom of Kayane's stomach drop even further.
"I'm sorry.  I should go.  I'm bothering you."
It took everything in him to actually tear away from the man beside him whom he had internally built a life together with and then had set it all ablaze a moment later.
That was when he felt something touch his shoulder - a soft yet powerful touch that induced an excitable shiver within him.  Wholly unexpected yet entirely needed.
"I didn't say that," Muriel simply said with his hand still on Kayane's shoulder, keeping him in place.  
Although, to be entirely fair, Muriel didn't say much of anything so how could anyone know his true intentions or his true thoughts and feelings?  After a chance night at a bar, how could anyone know what would take a lifetime with him to know?  What one person could give about themselves easily even by accident would take significant time filled with hard work for him to give the same.
Those were things Muriel knew about himself that Kayane now knew as well through the halting power of their contact - though, he didn't know if it was by one of them or even just wishful thinking.
That was fine, he smiled to himself as he suddenly linked his arm with Muriel's.  He could - and would - talk enough for the both of them.
"Hey, I wanna take you somewhere."
He threw in a smile that Asra would sometimes call "award-winning" to accompany his directive and gesture, and Muriel simply nodded in response.  Kayane wasn't sure what it was, or why he felt that, but somehow the big guy seemed more relaxed when he hadn't even realized he seemed tense in the first place.
While walking he chatted one-sidedly with his companion, telling him all sorts of things but not stupidly so.  He avoided all talk of the Countess's task or Asra or basically everything he had come to the tavern before to get away from, but it was nice to tell someone all the simple little things about himself and have someone actually listen.
The spot he took Muriel to wasn't particularly fantastic on its own, but it was up a few flights of the city's steps enough that the surrounding buildings didn't overtake the sky.  Only then did Kayane unlink his arm from Muriel to take a seat on a grassy area and then gestured for him to do the same.
With delight he watched as Muriel situated himself with the utmost care, paying enough attention that he didn't accidentally crush a small flower growing low to the ground.  Kayane smiled because if it hadn't been for his companion he wouldn't have even realized it was there.
That was the kind of person he was beginning to see for himself, this quiet and gentle yet powerful seeming giant.  Kayane could feel himself actually falling in love, and he didn't hate it.
"This is the best spot to watch the stars," he said. "Well, I mean, it's not the best.  I think the best would be on a grassy knoll far away from the city, but that would take too long.  And besides, that would be so creepy, being led by a stranger at night to some secluded spot far away from anything or anyone..."
"Another time."
Kayane could just feel the tips of his long ears burn as his stomach churned delightfully.  Another time, as in that Muriel actually wasn't going to go running away and conveniently dodge him every second he got if they were to 'accidentally' meet again...probably.
"...Totally."  He swallowed and continued, "Anyway, do you know you know where Deneb is?  Part of the Northern Cross?"
Muriel shook his head.
"Okay.  Look," Kayane said as he swallowed again and pointed to a bright star in the sky.  "It's like...right around-- yeah, me just beside you pointing to a random spot in the sky and being like it's right there isn't going to help."
Predictably, Muriel didn't really give a response to that although if Kayane would assign an emotion to the silence, it would be apologetic.
"...Um, here."  
Rising to his knees, and careful to avoid the flower, he positioned himself slightly behind Muriel's back, leaning forward so that his face was at the side of his while bringing a hand to steady himself on the other shoulder.  If Muriel was startled or uncomfortable with the close proximity, he didn't show it.  In fact, the only sign Kayane could see that he wasn't a statue was that his eyes flickered over to him instead of being trained on the night sky.
Once more he pointed to that bright star, this time with his finger close enough in Muriel's line of vision that he could consider it his own.
"Do you see it now?"
He did.
"That's Deneb."
Kayane was a goddamn genius.  Really, he would later pretend that it was all calculated, that he absolutely meant to do it from the start in order to get close to him, but the truth was that it was happy opportunity disguised as coincidence that dropped itself in his lap.  There he was, all but hugging Muriel outright, and Muriel wasn't shrugging him off.
"It connects to the these other stars," he explained as he wiggled his finger a bit to cover the vague, inspired shape of a bird in flight, "and they come together to form the constellation Cygnus, the Swan.  ...Do you see how the shape they make resembles a swan?"
When Muriel shook his head no, the fabric of his hood tickled against Kayane's cheek, and it was just one thing of many that made him laugh.
"Yeah, me neither!  But that's just what it's called.  Here, here's another..."
They continued like that well into the night, exploring the seemingly endless night sky in the comfort of trusted company, as if it wasn't the first night they had or would have together.
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