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initiumseries · 5 years

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Jessica Jones Review

This was a request, but I will keep it relatively short because I live posted most of my issues, and it didn’t get better lol. So basically, my issues with JJ are twofold: Jessica Jones, as a character, is not interesting. Neither is Tricia, or Jeryn, they’re just...white lol. Most, if not all their problems are self created, and everyone else has to manage the fall out. Second, as usual, antiblack trash. JJ proves to me, yet again, having white women in the writing room does not help antiblackness and misogynoir, like, at all. In a lot of cases, it just kind of, amplifies it. Jessica had a hard life, so she drinks, I guess. She runs a detective agency, and for no reason at all, she keeps encountering people who want to love her, but she’s too damaged by being strong and living with her best friend, Tricia, and her mother- to just, be with them. Lolll. Okay. Who fucking cares? No one, that’s who. Not even the show, because we spend an inordinate amount of time with every BUT Jessica this season. Ok let’s start with Jerry.

She had me cutting the fuck UP this season, because I can’t imagine being diagnosed with ALS, knowing I’m like, actually dying, then bulldozing into an old flame’s life and blowing up hers AND mine, just to...I don’t even know what the POINT was. Neither did the writers. Ol’ girl tells Jerry that her and her husband are in an open marriage. Jerry takes her on dates to the orchestra and shit. They be fucking. SO WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?? She does A LOT, just to get her away from her husband, when she could have literally taken the information Malcolm found, and just...gave it to her. LOL. Also, guy gets exposed for embezzling, and then just...live video’s him killing himself? OH MY GOD, melodramatic and contrived!!! What is anyone’s motivations here? When we’re introduced to Jerry in s1, she just seems like a fuck girl who likes smashing hot women and lives life hard and fast (theoretically), manipulating the women in her life, but also her clients etc. Cool. She’s kind of a bitch. I’m on board with that. But then this season, she suddenly becomes obsessed with this Brown woman we’ve NEVER seen before (unless I’m wrong, cuz I hopped tf out of s1 at some point but she def wasn’t in s2), smashes into her life, destroys it, then legit stands around like..wait so you’re just gonna...leave me here? LOL SIS WTF. It’s just...I resent how this show uses Black and Brown people as sites for white female dysfunction, and their lives and everything about them, becomes a fridge for these white female protagonists’ story arcs. I can’t say this enough because it’s annoying and it ONLY happens to the nonwhite characters. For ex. so the brown guy down the hall from Jessica is gone, now, since I guess he’s not needed to make illegal documents (oh and wasn’t he also undocumented? LOL OK JJ), but his son can still keep coming to see her. Not weird at all. Whatever. That white guy she starts boning in s3 gets a whole ass character arc. But the brown guy down the hall was just that for like...most of s2. Any “arc” he had was directly tied to JJ’s own story and arc. Anyway, Jeryn’s motivations were basic and murky all season. She says her life is her work, and yet she set that all on fire for some old flame booty. Lmfao. She takes on the case of a serial murderer against powered people (and I really, REALLY resent the way “powered” people are constantly used as a placeholder for racism here, because like...that’s stupid), because Jessica and Tricia upset her lmfao. Jeryn was just..doing stuff. It was so redundant, but I guess the same could be said of her last season as well. Malcolm. He starts off like this:

LOOK AT HOW BLACK THAT ROOM IS. He’s working for Jeryn, making money, got himself a good girlfriend he loves, some new, Black friends, living his Black ass, sober life, doing well now that these trainwreck white women are leaving him alone. There’s no reason at all he should still be living here. But Jessica, FOR NO REASON AT ALL, once again, bulldozes into his life and Malcolm ends the show with, being sexually assaulted by the sex working sister of the guy Jessica is boffing, beaten up by her pimp, quits his job, cheats on his girlfriend, for NO reason at all, with the same woman who assaulted him. He even ADMITS he sabotaged their relationship at the end of the season when she comes by to get her things, but before he can explain why he sabotaged a good thing, Ms. Lady, his assaulter, comes strutting out in no pants. Ok. Again, there’s no reason why she’s in Malcolm’s life at all. They made it seem like she was going to be relevant to the plot, but the Big Evil of this season kidnaps and tortures her brother, not her. She’s utterly useless except to ruin Malcolm’s life for no reason other than I guess there’s a ban on happy Black relationships on tv. Tricia fucks her Black trainer, because I guess, using Black men as sexual draino for their self inflicted problems is a theme on this show. At least this time they lit Luke Cage properly so he wasn’t just eyes and teeth. :/ Luke Cage makes a guest appearance in an ugly ass olive suit to be Jessica’s moral compass on how to deal with Trish. Mmmkay.

Malcolm has nothing left I guess so he might as well also moonlight as Tricia’s moral compass, because I guess that’s all non white people are good for on this show. And it was a waste of time, because Tricia, on a pretty serious bender to completely ruin her life for absolutely no reason at all other than she’s high on her own superiority complex, STILL turns around and murders the guy who tortured and killed her mother. Now personally, I’m not particularly bothered that she went and got revenge. I think shows like theses equivocate these weird slippery slopes with “if I obtain revenge, I become the person who harmed me”, which is just...such a western perspective. And it’s stupid. But in this case, Tricia literally became the “Bad Guy”, just going off the rails attacking people and using a disproportionate amount of force with the help of the Human Divining Rod Jessica was boffing. Very convenient his power is seeing the evil in other people and being physically hurt by it (but not his own evil when he blackmails other people?? LOL). It was clear he existed for Jessica and Tricia’s story arcs to pivot off of, and yet he’s still handled with more interest and humanity. The show works really hard for you to feel sorry and/or conflicted about Tricia, but I don’t, because her problems aren’t real problems and she’s kind of crazy, and can’t manage to deal with her issues without ruining other people’s lives. I lived for the moments when Malcolm said: “You should just keep us on retainer, because I know you, you hurt as many people as you help.” and for that time Jessica SLAPPED the teeth out her mouth and got the phone she asked for after Tricia went on another self righteous unhinged diatribe about how great she is now because she can jump over stuff. She’s a cat now, so she’s unbeatable. Except when Jessica beats that ass l m a o. Anyway. Yeah, as we already knew, this show sucks. The whole Big Bad of the season was a disgruntled white man who was smarter than them and mad at women. LOL. Ok. None of these characters are interesting or likeable. No growth. Abuse of non white people. Boring storylines, meandering plots. It’s just an overall trainwreck and I’m pretty sure this is the last season of JJ and I’m glad because we didn’t deserve to be hurt with any seasons of this. I was lowkey hoping they wouldn’t do Malcolm the way they did, but I’m not surprised. Overall -5/10

#jj #jessica jones #jeryn hogarth #patsy walker #luke cage #malcolm ducasse #text post #long post

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erikacamille1172004-blog · 5 years

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TO ALL THE BOYS I’VE LOVED BEFORE

NAME: Erika Camille P. Velez DATE: March 14,2019

March 15,2019(blog)

BOOK REPORT

ON ENGLISH.

TO ALL THE BOYS I’VE LOVED

BEFORE

Submitted by: Erika Camille P. Velez

Submitted to: Teacher. Vima Grace M. Ruelan

Title of the book: TO ALL THE BOYS I’VE LOVED BEFORE

Author: JENNY HAN

There was this young girl and her name was LARA JEAN , Lara Jean keeps on writing at her diary everyday or at every moment of her life she always write things down because it can make her feel better while writing it. Even when she keeps on crying or it’s a bad day for her but she still writes down her feelings and it was all in that notebook little thing that they don’t know was she writes every letter for her cush or the guys that she liked. But she does’nt give it to them so she hides it in a place were no one can find it inside her room although, her room was very messy at all she is always to lazy to clean everything in her roomoh and I almost fogrot. Her mom died when she was 12 years old she said that was also the reason why she does’nt clean her room anymore. Lara Jeans mom don’t want her to feel sad at all and she misses her mom everyday that she would always watch their photos together to make her feel better at that time when her mom died, Margot was now their new mom well, she is actually her older sister but now she always helps her father to do things well and organized she always prepares for the breakfast because Lara Jean is getting tired of eating korean food, so Margot prepares the breakfast everyday she is also Lara Jean’s human diary because she always tells margot about her feelings or problems and her crushes too she always want Margot to be aroung her because she has no one to trust anymore. And by the way her younger sister Kitty does’nt know how to keep secrets that’s why they never trust her because she always tell everyone about it. Kitty was also a very annoying younger sister to them but they always have loved her ever since she was born they were all gorgeus,wonderful,sweet ang supportive. Even though their mom died but they have no reasons to give up because they already knew that their mom was going to be upset if they do. They were so sweet to their dad that they would play with him when he sleeps, she said it was very different and everything changed when their mom died it was even so tough that Lara jean wouldn’t even go out to the room. She thinks that everything was a pitch black. Her father was a doctor too who was very protective and overreaction, it was a new journey for her and it was the new me. She also loves ribbons for her hair since she likes decorating it. Facemasks was always her favorite because she is really overprotective for her skin, she loves to bake for her families too just like cookies but she fails sometimes because who need a cookie cutter if the cookie looks like a foot? Her letters can always set and feel her free at all times, she likes singing too but her voice is maybe not that ok. So now lets staaaart!

Peter Kavinsky, one of the guys Lara Jean wrote a letter to, approaches her and tells her he does not have any sort of attraction to her. Lara Jean is confused, but realizes that he is referring to a letter she wrote him years ago after he received it in the mail. Horrified, she tells him she wrote it a long time ago. Lara Jean recounts what prompted her to write the letter: when she was in seventh grade, she and Peter were with a group of mutual friends when Peter kissed her.

Lara Jean cannot find her hatbox at home. That night, she hears Josh come over and hides in a treehouse. The next morning at school, Josh asks her about the letter to him. She lies and says she no longer has feelings for him and that she is dating someone else. When he asks who it is, she says Peter as he's the first person she thinks of while he walks down the hallway. Lara Jean spontaneously jumps into Peter's arms and kisses him in front of Josh, and Peter kisses her back. At school, Lara Jean explains her situation to Peter, who decides to go along with the lie, as he has just broken up with his long-term girlfriend Genevieve and wants a clean break. One day her little sister Kitty found the box of her love letters to her crushes and Kitty started giving it to themone by one and when Lara Jean found out she was so shocked that she even feels like she was paralized.Margot and Lara Jean eventually reconcile, but Lara Jean remains angry at Peter until Kitty admits that she stole her sister's hatbox and mailed the letters to try and get back at Lara Jean for almost revealing her crush on Josh. Lara Jean forgives Kitty. Kitty tells Lara Jean that Peter really cares for her and returns the hatbox that is now filled with notes that Peter gave Lara Jean while they were fake-dating. Reading them over, Lara Jean has a change of heart and takes out her pen and paper to write a real love letter to Peter

Somehow, the letters – secretly stashed in the hat box in Lara Jean’s closet – get mailed out. (In the most unrealistic part of this story, Lara Jean can’t figure out how that happened or who could have done it. The house wasn’t robbed, duh.) The worst repercussions are with Josh and Peter, because Lara Jean still sees them everyday. And she thinks she still loves Josh. So when Josh confronts her about the letter, Lara Jean, mortified, impulsively says she doesn’t feel that way anymore, that her boyfriend is now Peter Kavinsky. She runs up and kisses Peter, who is standing nearby. eter agrees to pretend to be her boyfriend so he can make Genevieve jealous, and they write out a “contract” to set the parameters of their fake relationship. Lara Jean is to be a “placeholder” until Genevieve takes him back.

Lara Jean has never actually dated anyone before. She helps out a lot at home and at any rate is afraid to have a relationship. On a weekend high school skiing field trip, Lara Jean finally shows her feelings for Peter. But somebody with a smart phone is there too, and suddenly the whole school is sharing the video and drawing the wrong conclusions about this very private moment. Lara Jean is upset and mad at Peter. Ironically, it is her little sister Kitty who gives her the best advice for going forward. When Lara Jean and Peter go to the party in the movie, he takes a scrunchie from her hair and she tells him not to lose it because it's her favorite. When Gen gets jealous of the two of them, she corners Peter in a room and takes the scrunchie. Later, Gen pulls it out after the ski trip and says Peter gave it to her, causing Lara Jean to get upset and believe Peter was just messing with her. In both the book and movie, here's what goes down: Before Margot leaves for college in Scotland, she decides to breakup with her boyfriend, Josh Sanderson. Lara Jean had a crush on Josh before he started dating her sister, and with Margot out of the country, she finds her feelings for him coming back. But she has a way bigger problem to worry about: Her letters were mysteriously mailed out to her crushes, and some of the boys want answers — including Josh. In a desperate attempt to avoid dealing with him, Lara Jean agrees to a "fake relationship" with Peter Kavinsky, one of her letter recipients, who wants to "date" her in order to make his ex-girlfriend jealous. But things get complicated when they start to develop real feelings for each other. After a ski-trip mishap, the two "breakup" without having disclosed how much they actually like each other. Peter prods Lara Jean about the reason she’s never had a boyfriend before, and she admits that she’s scared of love and dating, “because the more people you let into your life, the more they can just walk right out.” It’s clear she’s talking about her mom, even though her mom didn’t walk out (in the book, she suffers a concussion after slipping on a clean floor; the film doesn’t go into such details). And when Peter reveals his complicated feelings about his dad leaving his family, he tries to brush off his feelings with a “it’s whatever.” But Lara Jean is quick to reassure him that his emotions matter even if he doesn’t want to talk about them. This is ultimately how Lara Jean and Peter connect: by finally being afforded the chance to talk about their family life, and with someone who understands. Margot’s case, she feels compelled to listen to her mother’s advice that she not be tied down with a boyfriend when she heads to college, leading her to break up with Josh before departing for a university in Scotland. Even if it’s a promise that she made years ago, it’s something that Margot can do to honor the memory of her mother.

Learning from each other and being able to talk about their emotions is cathartic for both of our would-be lovers. And while Peter has also experienced his own loss, his affection for Lara Jean is not what fundamentally saves her. Lara Jean’s heart broke when she lost her mother — but she is far from broken. She’s a girl who lost her mother. But she’s more than just that, she’s also a high school junior who loves vintage shopping and is bad at driving. Her family’s tragedy affects her, but only she can define herself.

As Lara Jean learns how to be vulnerable, it also helps her father with his own walls. After things go awry between Lara Jean and Peter for a moment, her dad takes her to the diner to hash out their feelings. He confesses that there’s so much about the girls’ mothers he should have told them about; he simply hasn’t talked about his wife because doing so makes him sad. But seeing Lara Jean open up to the world reminded him that she is also her mother’s daughter and he doesn’t want her to hide those parts of her.

1.) What is the moral lesson of the story?

a.) You should always be strong and don’t let anything bring you down.

b.) Your family is always there to support you in everything

2.) Lara jean- she is the girl who is scared to date guy but she was already a king hearted

Peter Kavinsky: The guy who fell in love with Lara jean and he thought it never wasn’t meant to be.

Margot: Lara Jeans older sister and also her great mother she was always on Lara Jeans side in every single moment and also her human diary.

Kitty: it was her little annoying sister who gave the letters to her crushes but she was always supportive to her family she was the one who brings joy to the family when she feels bored.

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rainbowamory · 6 years

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A piece of my writing (OCs)

The photos are pics I found online of dolls from two different sources. I do not own these images. I put these images side by side only as reference pics for how I imagine my characters’ facial features. The guy sometimes changes in my head but this comes close... except my male character is blond and green-eyed and his hair style is a little different.

[For more images, see artwork:

OC Commission Review 1, and OC Commission Review 2]

Ages for this scene: Syden (16), Cela (16), Sia (12), Kate (17 going on 18)

My Characters: Syden, Sia and Kate are siblings. Cela is their cousin.

Point-of-view: Cela

Written by: Rainbowamory

These are placeholder names because I don’t want to put my characters’ names here. This is a piece I wrote for practice.

Brief Background:

[My Note: At this time in their lives, Cela and Syden would mostly see each other at school since they went to the same highschool since Gr. 10, and during the couple of times a month Cela stayed at his house… otherwise, she needed to go home after school and he needed to go to his home or to the Castle (his other home). Syden’s house was the middle ground for the two of them—the neutral space untouched by the disagreements of war. While they did see each other more than when they were kids, they still were not always together as often as they wanted to be. And they didn’t have all the same classes either, only some. I’m still deciding on how their setting/world looks but I may go for a mixture of modern and traditional fantasy elements… If so, there would be two ‘realms’… one where there is magic and old style fighting, and the other where there is modern technology. I’m still working on how to properly structure everything.

This scene takes place at a high-end clothing store, in the more modern part of the same world OR realm # 2]

[The prompt for this scene was one I made up specifically for their kind of relationship. I wanted to show how they express platonic vs romantic love when around other family members. This scene is told wholly from Cela’s point-of-view.]

Actual Scene:

Cela sat on one side of the circular sofa chair. The whiteness of the cushions matched her outfit—a pair of white denim pants and a cream-coloured silk blouse. Her shoes and handbag were more of the same shades. Only her long dark hair and dark eyes stood out against the monochrome surroundings.

Syden’s outfit was not too bad looking either. In his smoothly pressed dress pants and shirt, with blond hair swept gracefully across his forehead and a thoughtful look on his face, he could’ve made a pretty persuasive mannequin for the store.

“You look good in black and white,” she said as an aside, keeping her eyes on the little game she was playing on her portable console.

She saw him look her way from the corner of her eye.

“You too,” he said.

He was seated between Cela on one side and his little sister Sia on the other. Sia’s hair tumbled in golden waves down to her shoulders, kissing the thin straps of her summer dress, a lovely canary yellow thing that ended just at her knees. She had on makeup, though she hardly needed any; like others in her family, Sia had a natural beauty about her. Cela remembered how excited the girl had been at the idea of accompanying them. But the three of them knew that this was really Kate’s day.

Kate’s last year in highschool was rapidly coming to an end, which meant looking for the perfect dress for her prom. Syden had agreed to accompany her for the sake of keeping an eye on Sia, while Cela had been invited to help her choose her outfit. If anyone could be counted on to tell Kate what color went best with her skin tone or whether the dress was not too slutty—without a hint of competition or self-serving intentions—it was Cela.

They had requested a set of private dressing rooms on one of the upper floors of the building. The cubicles were arranged in a semi-circle, their white doors decorated with ornate silver and gold patterns. The round sofa was placed in front so that those in the waiting area were facing the cubicles. Underneath one of them, Cela could see the lower part of Kate’s legs as she tried on different dresses.

They had been there for nearly two and a half hours, during which Kate had tried on various different styles—ranging from flattering to plain to impractical. To entertain themselves, Syden and Sia had gone off to have a tour of the mall. When they returned, Cela and Syden had passed the remaining time by sharing the gaming console between each other. It had been Cela’s turn and she was nearly done with her round when one of the cubical doors swung open.

Cela put down her console to see Kate as she stepped out in a sparkling orange and gold dress that brought out the glow in her copper blond hair. It was covered in large disks that looked like shimmering scales flowing down the length of her slim body. There was a v-shaped opening on the front that curved around her breasts just right without being overly revealing.

Syden and Sia went up to her for a closer look. Cela followed momentarily.

“So sparkly!” Sia chittered, reaching out and running her hands all over the fabric.

“You look like a goldfish,” Syden stated in his usual toneless way. Sia giggled in spite of herself.

Cela shot him a reproachful look but the remark did not seem to faze Kate.

“It’s very elegant,” said Cela. “I’d rate it a ten.” Sia echoed her judgment.

Kate beamed, her soft brown eyes brimming with warmth.

“What about you, Syden?” she asked.

Syden pretended to take his time thinking. “Eight.” That was the best she could expect from him.

“Thank you” she said. There was a mirror placed in the middle of the line of cubicles. Kate lingered in front of it for a moment, looking at her reflection from different angles, then swiftly disappeared back into her little room.

A few minutes before, Sia had asked for some dresses to try on. They arrived just then on a wheeled clothes rack, delivered to her by a store employee. Sia grabbed an armful of the most colorful ones and disappeared into the middle cubicle.

This left Cela and Syden to themselves. They went back to the couch, and back to their waiting game. Cela picked her console back up and was about to continue her round when a flash of red caught her eye. It was a dress that had been left on the rack since it was not the right size for Sia. When she went up to have a closer look, she saw that the dress was scarlet, with no shoulder straps. It looked simple enough and seemed to be about her size.

On a whim, she took it off its hook and went inside one of the empty dressing rooms on the opposite end from Kate’s. A few minutes later, she came back outside to look at herself in the mirror, noticing briefly that Syden had picked up her console while she was gone. She heard tiny shooting sounds coming from it as she stood in front of the mirror. A few seconds later the sounds stopped and she heard the crude electronic voice say, “End of Round 5—You Have 3 Casualties and 2 Kills.”

She turned to look at him just as he looked up from the game screen.

Cela thought the dress was ok-looking but one glance at Syden’s face convinced her it was better than that.

He wasn’t typically the most expressive person. But occasionally, she could tell when he was feeling something by looking into his eyes, as she did now.

“What do you think?” she asked anyway.

He stared a little longer.

Cela was disappointed.

“Is that all you have to say?” she asked, tossing her hair so that it fell lustrously around her bare shoulders.

Syden still looked dazed.

Cela’s lips curved into a subtle smile in spite of herself. Syden didn’t seem amused.

“Tease,” he said sardonically.

She walked up to him to allow for a closer look, turning slowly in front of him so he could see her from all sides. When she came around to face him again, he reached up to brush his fingertips lightly across the curve of her waist. She took his hand in her own and held it for a second, thinking.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, standing and cupping her face with his free hand.

“Nothing,” she said. He was so sweet when he wanted to be. She thought for a moment then started walking towards her cubicle, leading him along behind her.

“What are you—” he began in a confused voice, but before he could object, she had pulled him inside the dressing room and shut the door.

It didn’t take him long to get her meaning, as if beneath his apparent confusion he was only just waiting for the right signs. He waited all but two seconds, then walked up close to her, pushed her gently against the cubicle wall and began kissing her. First on the neck, then on the lips.

There were three ways Syden communicated best: art, swordplay and touch. This was probably a good thing. As her mother liked to say, people who were seldom good with words should use them sparingly.

Cela gently tangled her fingers in his hair as she kissed him back. They were so involved in the moment that they didn’t think anyone would be wondering where they had gone.

The awakening came with a knock on the cubicle door.

Syden pulled back from her with a wide-eyed look on his face. Cela was less concerned. She recognized the feet on the other side before she opened the door. Even Syden didn’t seem that shocked once he saw who it was. He was a bit flustered, but in no hurry to hide anything.

Kate stared at the two of them for a few seconds. She stood with her orange dress over one arm and her handbag slung over her shoulder. She was back in her usual clothes—a knee-length navy blue skirt and long sleeved white top. The look on her face was mild irritation rather than surprise. This was nothing new to her.

His whole family knew by now the nature of Cela and Syden’s relationship and had gotten over the shock a long time ago... Not that it was much of a shock to begin with. Though they had never even kissed until they were fifteen, and despite not seeing each other for almost eight years, Cela and Syden had been close as children. Some saw their current relationship as a kind of extension of that early bond.

Kate appeared more bothered by the fact that they were making out in a public place.

She finally spoke up.

“Do you know where Sia is?” she asked patiently enough.

Cela looked at Syden. Syden shook his head.

“She was trying on dresses…” he said.

“Well, she’s not anymore,” said Kate, somewhat more sternly.

“Oh,” said Syden. “Where did she go?”

Kate shook her head and began walking away, leaving them no option but to follow.

Syden helped Cela change back into her clothes, then they both went looking for his older sister.

“You were supposed to watch her,” Kate said to Syden as the two of them caught up with her. Cela could tell that Syden wasn’t exactly proud of his negligence. It wasn’t like him to take his little sister’s safety lightly. Neither of them blamed Cela.

They left the private dressing area by taking some stairs down to the 1st floor and there began meandering in the maze of stalls that covered much of the space. Kate stressed the importance of sticking together, so that no one else would get lost.

As they walked past rows of many colors and styles of clothing, Cela scanned the room for a sign of a little blond head among the lanes. Twice she thought she found her little cousin but both times it turned out to be some other girl with sun-streaked hair.

“How are we supposed to find her in a place this big? She could be anywhere,” Syden complained.

“Well, we’re not going home without her, so try a little harder,” Kate replied.

The three of them continued winding down the aisles, with Kate leading the way, peaking over the stalls every now and then to see if they could catch a sign of Sia.

The building was one large white tower made up of three levels, each with a domed ceiling. There were windows high up on the walls, with sunlight streaming through them. All around them were other fashionable people moving about on their business, picking out dresses or suits for special occasions. Some of them worked for the store. Beautiful people helping beautiful people. Cela felt somewhat out of place among all the glamor.

There were several stores, each leading into another through connecting arches. They passed from store to store, following the curve of the walls. They even asked a few people if they’d seen the girl, all with no luck. Once they arrived back where they started, Syden and Kate were both starting to get moody.

They got into an argument over whether to check the 2nd floor children’s playground or the adult-only stores on the 3rd floor. Syden seemed to think Sia’s curiosity would take her places she shouldn’t go… Kate insisted the girl was too young to attempt that kind of behaviour.

Cela vaguely recalled Sia saying something about how she was tired of trying on “kiddy clothes” and wanted something different.

The debate ended with the two of them deciding to go separate ways. Cela, not wanting to offend either of them, decided not to choose sides. She told them she would wait by the lounge area near the entrance, and would keep a look out for anyone who resembled Sia leaving the store.

When she reached the spot, she found herself a couch chair and put her feet up, pulled out her console and began playing. From where she was sitting, she had a clear view of the inside of the first store as well as the outside lobby. If she failed to catch Sia pass by, she was still in a position where Sia could see her clearly.

In the meantime, Cela chose to continue with the game she had been playing, picking up on Round 6. It was called “Witch-Hunter”. One side consisted of an army made up of angels and guardians of the world while the other was made up of ghouls, demons and witches. You had to set up your army with the right equipment and roles at the end of every round. If you failed to do this properly, the other player would have an advantage. Each player was represented by one lead commander. In this round, one of her main targets was the ghost of the previous player, who tried hard yet ineffectively to evade the shots she sent his way, all the while throwing unearthly curses at her army. When at last she managed to take him down, and heard his angry little howls echo off the screen, she giggled with intense self-satisfaction.

She played on until the army of darkness was in tatters, then ordered herself a hotdog. Glancing at the time on a nearby clock, she realized that 20 minutes had passed since she first sat down. The meal had made her somewhat sleepy, so she lay back into the cushions and closed her eyes.

Her thoughts went to home—not his home, hers—and what awaited her there. Her family had been busily preparing for a major upcoming event. There was to be a council of sorts, with others from her father’s line of work: skilled fighters and investigators and sorcerers. There would be some people her own age as well, the children of her father’s peers. Some of them would no doubt be curious about her fighting abilities.

She’d discuss with them the importance of their cause; to be a deterrent to dark magic users around the world. She’d talk about some of their main targets, including Sorcerers like the one Syden was working for… She wasn’t sure if anyone would mention Syden himself, since he wasn’t their main focus, but he was still one of the best soldiers the enemy had, and the Sorcerer’s personal Shield. If his name was brought up, she would need to talk of him with contempt, like everyone else at the meeting.

This would’ve been easy enough to do once upon a time before they had started dating. She was still getting used to how much he’s changed since they were kids. Sometimes she thought she caught a glimmer of the boy he used to be in a gesture or a word. But other times she wondered if that sweet boy ever existed in the first place…

She reflected on how detached he had been when she visited his house again after years of being away. He seemed keen on avoiding her, like he couldn’t stand being around her. It took her months to realize he had actually been watching her closely all along, trying hard to reconcile the mental image he had of her in childhood with the young woman she was becoming.

In her musings, she had fallen into a light slumber. She saw a vision of herself standing at the edge of a cliff, in bloodstained battle clothes, with dead men strewn over the ground for a mile behind her. Syden stared back at her, expressionless, from the other side—against a similar background of carnage. There was a chasm between them.

Someone was touching her shoulder. She awoke to find that she was staring into a pair of green eyes, the same ones from her vision. Syden was leaning over her with little amused smile on his face.

“What were you dreaming of, I wonder…?” he said.

Cela sat up, rubbing her temple.

“None of your business,” she replied, stretching and looking up at him. She tried her best to appear clear-headed. “So, did you find her?”

He stepped away from the chair and made a sweeping motion with his arm towards Sia, who had been standing behind him with Kate the whole time.

Cela was relieved to see her.

“Which one of you found her?” she asked out of curiosity.

Kate glanced down at the floor.

“Me of course,” said Syden. “I know my sister better than anyone else…”

Cela looked at Sia and saw her blush.

“What were you looking at on the 3rd floor?” she asked the girl.

“Lingerie,” Syden answered for her.

Cela felt discomfited. A 12-year-old girl should not be looking at such things.

“But she learned her lesson. Didn’t you, Sia?” Syden asked her.

The blush on Sia’s face seemed to deepen.

“Y-yes.”

“It’s no fun being followed by creeps that are twice your age,” he added candidly.

Kate grimaced and took Sia by the hand.

“It’s ok now,” she said to the girl. “We’re going home.” She looked at Syden.

“Can I trust you to look after her while I go pay for my dress?” she asked. Syden nodded, and Kate left them.

Syden found a seat for Sia and sat in a chair beside her. Cela could tell that the girl was still shaken.

“Sia,” she heard Syden say. “Someday you’ll get to do whatever you want, wear what you like… date a guy close to your own age maybe. But growing up isn’t as fun as you think. Highshool drama, heart break, teachers that just don’t get you, bullies… and more shit I’d rather not talk about. You should make the most of being a kid, and don’t rush it. You’ll regret it if you do.”

How cute, thought Cela. He left out the part about being trained since the age of 7 to be a killing machine.

Sia stared at him longingly.

“I promise I won’t tell mom,” he said. “And Kate won’t either.”

At those words, the girl’s anxiety seemed to lift a little. She smiled an angelic smile, then threw her arms around him, hugging him tight.

Syden returned the embrace.

…

When they pulled apart, he stood up and walked over to Cela. He asked her if she wanted to buy the dress she had been looking at. She said she’d call the store and reserve it for later.

He showed her a necklace that he had bought for Kate, shortly after he found Sia. It was a simple gold chain with a blazing sun pendant at the centre, to go with her ‘goldfish’ outfit. He asked Cela to keep it a secret until closer to Kate’s graduation.

By the time Kate returned to them, Sia was her carefree self again and they were set to go. Sia and Syden walked on ahead, arm-in-arm, while Kate and Cela walked behind, side by side.

Kate seemed pleased with how the day had gone, but Cela could tell she was nervous about something. As they left the building and were walking to the spot where the chauffeur was waiting for them, Kate finally spoke up.

“I have everything I need for my prom,” she said. “All except a date.”

Kate never talked about guys nearly as much as she did about her studies, but there was one she often brought up in conversation: a classmate whose work she admired. He enjoyed the Sciences as much as she did, and, according to Syden, the boy was as much a “hopeless nerd” as his sister was—a boy who “ate books for breakfast, lunch and dinner”.

“Have you tried asking someone?” said Cela.

Kate shook her head.

“You should try. Sometimes you have to take a chance to know what is possible.”

As she watched Syden and Sia walking before them, talking and laughing together, she took comfort in the knowledge that, whoever he had in his life, he would always be hers first.

…

ADDITIONAL NOTES for SELF:

[Syden doesn’t bother offering to buy Cela her dress because they have an understanding that she can take care of her own material needs with her own money. She is not with him for his money and he knows that. She would take it as an insult if he were to buy a lot of pointless stuff for her, so he doesn’t. He only buys her stuff for her birthday or holidays and occasionally for spontaneous reasons.]

[Though Syden and Cela have been trained to fight since they were very young, neither of them entered the actual battle field until they were 14. But by then they had developed many skills already]

#cousins #fiction #original characters #rainbowamory #writing

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tumblunni · 5 years

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Fuck i just had the most horrifying nightmare fuck it was like a ptsd flashback mixed with a nightmare so evwrything went even more wrong than it did in real life

It was like a flashback to being abused by my dad but now i had a little sister too and i was desperately tryibg to protect her. (Different from my little sister on my mum's side)

She was a little korean girl that dad "adopted" but actually literally bought as a slave, like what the fuck how did my subconcious go so dark!! Andhe got her almost as if she was some pet or toy or fuckin..mail order maid who could do everything around the house. "Here's a better daughter than you who'll be obedient and have no free will" cos of racist bullshit ideas. And he was dissappointed that she wasnt this perfect subservient thing and didnt automatically know how to do every task he gave her, even though she was just goddamn 10 years old!!! And it all felt so real while i was dreaming, there were details like my dad saying "she'll be easier cos she's an omnivore, they eat cats in korea right", because he used to hate that i was a vegetarian and always try and trick me into eating meat for some damn reason. And we had to wait for his predictable time every evening that he went out to get drunk, so we could call the police...

And GOD it was so FUCKED UP cos this poor kid was so resigned to it all? She was like.. Surprised that i cared. She'd apparantly been abused by multiple white foster families and they told her that they were selling her off cos they needed to make some profit to make up for "all the stress you caused us". And she was telling me about how she was sexually abused in this emotionless tone as if it was just something everyone went through, and that she was scared id suddenly hate her and not want to help anymore because she was "dirty"

So it was all REALLY FUCKIN SCARY AND TENSE

It was like a race against time to call the police and get to them before dad came back, but i couldnt remember where the police station was in my dad's neighbourhood and just AGHH i was desperately trying to hold him off with a pocket knife while banging on the nearest door in te neighbourhood and begging that stranger to pplease take the kid inside and dont open the door no matter what, please let me die to hold him back

And it was so fuckin fucked up cos the worst part is waking up and realizing that not only was i unable to save this kid but this kid was never real to begin with. I fuckin cared about her so much i was so goddamn scared and it turns out the only one hurting her was me cos its my brain that imagibed all that fucked up shit im a fucking monster

And i dont even fuckin know her real name, in the dream she just had some sort of overly long "more white" name my dad changed it to, god it was so fucking twisted im scared of myself that my dreams can even be that horrible

And what was even stupider was that it still had dream logic to it and stuff. It was all terrifying at the time but now im awake i can notice how lots of placeholder roles in the dream were filled with yokai watch characters just cos its the last game i played. The neighbour knocking the door and the neighbour i tried to knock the door of were both characters from the anime. And most disturbingly when the girl was telling me about her previous caretakers sexually abusing her she talked about them grooming her using her favourite tv show. So this horrifying mental image of some fucked up lady luring in kids with a doll of Blazion from that game. WHY SPECIFICALLY BLAZION??? Damn seriously this little girl felt so goddamn real, right down to having an unusual choice of favourite character. God, my brain is saying her name might have been Cho?? Im really desperately trying to figure out if anyobne ever said it in this damn dream oh fucking godddd

I hate this i hate that im mourning someone that doesnt exist, i hate that the dream just ended when i pushed her behind that door and used my body to shield her. I just fuckin died like a bitch and i dont know if she was really safe, i dontk ow if dad managed to break in or pull his manipulative nonsense to convince them i was the real villain. I dont know if the little girl was able to stand up for herself and tell her story to the police, cos she really didnt believe her parents were wrong, she acted like theyd taught her thatvshe deserved it and that i was weird and scary for trying to help her. God i tried to cry all the tears that she wasnt able to cry!

Fuck why are my dreams so fucked up, fucking fuck

I dont know where the fuck this even came from, i had a really great day yesterday and put new sheets on my bed so it wasnt even like i was having an uncomfy sleep?? I just feel like my brain likes to throw panic attacks at me whenever i get too happy as a sort of "ha you dont deserve it" or "dont believe that things are really gonna be okay" thing. And fucking hell the old chestnut of "ptsd flashback but the details start to unwravell and get even more nightnarish than when it really happebed" is an old chestnut it likes to throw at me. God damn tho usually its just "the thing but you didnt escape like in real life", npt creating a whole new character who had an even worse case of parental abuse than me and i desperately have tp protect them and then i fuckin get my guts stabbed out and I DIDNT EVEN SAVE HWR COS IT WAS JUST A DREAM AND SHE ISNT REAL

Fucking hell fuck i dont know what to do in just really heart pounding after that mess so i have to write it down to try and make sense of it at least

Ok i remembered another detail that the name my dad wanted to rename her to contained olivia?? So that part might have come from me getting this new haircut yesterday cos i was like "this reminds me of my old friend livia from high school man she had great hair". But seriously did a whole fuckin nightmare spawn from that one sentence thought?? HOW DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF

Fuck i need an icecream or something im so fuckin sweaty and gross waking up from that damn panic fucl id pour a bucket of water over my head but i dont wanna ruin my new hair

I WAS HAVING A GOOD DAY YESTERDAY THERES NO DAMN LOGICAL CAUSE FOT SUCH AN EXTREME HELL DREAM

God what if it was somehow real and i like mentally connected with another kid who was being abused and i couldnt protect her and i couldnt protect her dear god it felt so fuckin real i even had my old early 2000s phone and the horrible room at my dads house where the locks dont work and the window thats too small to escape from and fuckin fuckin goddddd

I dont know whats fuckin wrong withme

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gary36 · 6 years

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February of last year I became involved with a woman named Devon. You may remember her as the person who gave me my youngest cat, Arcade. Devon's story is long and winding. Her life could easily be a book all its own and I don't have nearly all the details. Unfortunately I find this especially difficult to write about. This is a story about petty people, about desperate people, about people consumed by their vices. Many of the details are too vulgar or too personal for anything but the therapist's office. This is my best attempt to tell you about two people I loved very much without getting mired in the negativity of the events.

In January of 2017 Matt asked me if his sister could move in with us while she figured out what her next step would be now that she had left the father of her daughter. There were already 3 men in the 3 bedroom duplex and you could tell. To be fair Chip remained in his room all day when he wasn't gone. If no one told you Chip lived there I sincerely doubt you would realize. Matt and I made up for it though and it was indubitably a bachelor pad. I wasn't told any of the details. We didn't come up with a plan. The duplex struck me as a horrible place for a 5 year old girl but we had already lived with another single mom, and Sam never seemed to care, so why would this be any different? What about Devon? All I knew about Devon was that she was very pretty and she barely acknowledged my existence when I adopted a kitten from her years before. I figured that so long as I gave her a wide birth she would be happy at our bachelor pad, and leave as soon as possible with her daughter to somewhere more child friendly. I came home late one day from work and that's when it dawned on me that Matt never mentioned sleeping arrangements. Devon and her daughter were both sprawled out on an air mattress in the middle of the living room watching Netflix. Devon was friendlier than I remembered her. She introduced herself (having completely forgotten we'd already met), asked the names of my cats (even Arcade who was literally christened in front of her), and introduced me to Kaylee (a five year old girl sharing an air mattress with her mom in the middle of my living room watching some bizarre cgi Barbie cartoon). I was a bit overwhelmed. I took a shower and went to bed. Matt was nowhere to be found. He woke me up at around 1 AM when he got back from drinking. He slams doors when he's drunk. He went directly to bed. I get up quite early for work and the next morning I went to the kitchen as quietly as I could. Devon and Kaylee were fast asleep with the TV on but having run its course, it simply asked if they wished to continue watching Bates Motel. The only sound was the warm humming of electronics that wish to be turned off. There was no way I was about to make a smoothie or use the microwave without waking them up. I made coffee and a sandwich instead. But I could hear Devon stirring as the coffee pot gurgled. She was a light sleeper just like me. She chose to remain silent though, possiblity in the hopes of gently slipping back into slumber. I was already extremely uncomfortable. It was day one.

I don't know what I expected but the next two weeks played out exactly like that every day. In the morning I tiptoed about feeding the cats and getting ready as stealthily as I could. When I got home Matt was nowhere to be found and his sister was sitting on an air mattress in the living room with his niece watching TV. I hid in my room reading. Matt got home in the wee hours of the morning. Reset. As near as I could tell Devon and Kaylee ate sparingly from food they thought was Matt's. Sometimes they ate mine instead but I didn't care and I wasn't about to say anything. One time I came home and Devon needed help finding a can opener. She was looking right at one but my can opener is so boss most people don't even know what it is. I showed her how to use it. We got to talking. I don't know what I expected. We started watching TV together.

Kaylee was starved for attention. I'm terrified of kids. They're constantly trying to give themselves diseases and they don't listen to reason. But there was simply no ignoring Kaylee. If Devon looked away from Kaylee, even just for a second, Kaylee would begin singing, making some other loud noise, grabbing her mom, or going to do something to get herself in trouble. Devon had been playing it cool when she didn't know me but Kaylee was driving her nuts. The father not being there was obviously upsetting both of them. Devon was never alone even for a moment. If Devon went to the bathroom Kaylee would follow her. When she was told to wait outside she would agree, but then she would talk to her mother continuously through the door, then she would try to enter even though she knew she wasn't supposed to, if the door was locked she would cry until Devon let her inside. When they were watching TV Devon had trouble getting Kaylee to engage with the show she had wanted to watch. Really, Kaylee just wanted to talk to her mom, and eye contact was very important. I saw Devon lose her patience a couple times. She scolded Kaylee for demanding constant attention. Kaylee would cry, then Devon would cry, then they would make up and Devon would tickle Kaylee or make a funny noise against her stomach. Then everything was alright and they would fall asleep holding each other. I was becoming emotionally invested. I knew Devon was a good mother but the more I saw the more I understood the odds set against her. She had no job. No money. Kaylee needed something to occupy her mind. Devon had custody paperwork she had never started because she found it too daunting. Her brother had offered her a place to stay and then refused to speak to her. They never knew what their next meal would be. The air mattress was hurting her back. She and her daughter had insomnia to begin with. All that and more. Right there in my living room. Every day. All the time. I don't know what Matt expected. Of course I got involved.

I still didn't know how long they were staying or what the plan was. I didn't ask. Instead I just started trying to give Devon a little help. Kaylee was supposed to have a car seat. I got one. Kaylee had a bunch of educational flashcard games. I started teaching her the alphabet. Devon was still in the room but at least Kaylee was paying attention to something else. We didn't have any toys. I made Kaylee several variations of cushion fort and hid the cat toys around for her to find with a flashlight. When I got tired of seeing her play with cat toys I got her a Minnie Mouse doll with a bunch of purple and pink accessories. She loved Minnie Mouse. She took that doll everywhere. Kaylee started getting tired because she was going to the park or playing with the cats all day. It helped her go to bed on time. Me and Devon would stay up late talking. I drove her to get the rest of her stuff from the father's house. The shitbag had thrown out or hidden most of it. She broke out into tears on the way back to my place and started telling me how scared she was of losing her daughter, especially to him because he was so abusive. I got her a new flat iron because Derek, the deadbeat abusive father, had taken hers. I cleaned up my room and got new sheets for the bed. I emptied out my dresser. I told Devon they should sleep in my room instead. I told her I'd just sleep on the couch. She started crying. The next day she wanted to have dinner with me. I'll never forget what Matt said when I was on my way to work after the first night in the couch. He was still slurring his speech from last night "You know... You don't have to help her." I didn't answer him. I couldn't understand what he wanted. If he didn't want to help Devon why'd he invite her in? If he did, why did he avoid her? Answers would come slowly.

I bought the groceries and Devon made the best shrimp, asparagus, and steak I 'd ever eaten. She served it with Pinot Grigio which is not my thing but the food was so good I drank it anyway. We were both laughing and she criticized my dining ettiquette. She said I didn't know the right way to cut steak and I ate like Kaylee. Which Kaylee ate like she was 5 and I'm definitely not that bad but I'll admit I was ignorant to the nuances of it. We had fun. We got pretty buzzed. Devon was more dressed up than I'd ever seen her. I wasn't, I didn't understand where we were going. I was just along for the ride. As we were cleaning up the table Matt passed by to be negative and something transpired between me and Devon that led us to want more wine. It was Kaylee's bedtime and I went to the liquor store while Devon sang her to sleep. Kaylee couldn't sleep without her mom. If she woke up and Devon wasn't right next to her she would start bawling. When I got back with a huge bottle of wine Devon was still upstairs so I went up quietly, careful not to wake Kaylee. All was peaceful and Devon was sitting up reading something. When I got to the doorway she tried to hide it. I saw though. She had found my old diaries. The look on my face must have said it because all she said is "I'm sorry. I don't think you're crazy." I was embarrassed but not upset for some reason. I held up the wine bottle and we ambled quietly downstairs. Devon and I were very drunk very quickly. We ran out of stuff to talk about and started flirting with each other. Then that ran out and the next thing I know we're wrapped up in each other. Afterwards Devon wanted me to get McDonald's and I obliged. When I got back she was asleep. I couldn't sleep because I couldn't fathom what was happening. I heard Kaylee crying upstairs and I led her down to where Devon was sleeping. Kaylee was concerned that Devon didn't wake up but I promised her everything would be OK and I got them a blanket. I slept in living room close by because even though the bed was empty I didn't know when they would need it. The cats slept on top of everyone else. I remember Brother found a warm spot between Devon and Kaylee. Devon woke up at 5 AM and ate the McDonald's sitting next to her. It was a grilled chicken sandwich. Devon always got all the veggies on the side. She was always very specific about her order no matter where we ate.

The next 2 months are an emotional rollercoaster. Devon and I were like a chemical fire. Everyone around us kept throwing water trying to put us out and it just made us stronger. Our problems fed into each other perfectly. I wanted to help and Devon wanted to be distracted. I could never convince her to fill out the custody papers, she asked me to help her, so I filled them out myself when talking about it made her fall to pieces. Derek was more than a bad father. He was crazy. Derek and his shitty father were meth addicts and distributors. Derek was convinced that he was being followed by the US government because of his family's close relationship with the Grays and the Lizardmen and holy fuck I wish I was joking but I'm not. Derek had convinced Devon this was true after introducing her to meth. He also raped her and forbid her from leaving the house or calling anyone. Frankly, god only knows what happened to Kaylee. Devon put up with this treatment for years because of her love for Derek, her own addiction, and wanting to keep Kaylee with her father. Every night after Kaylee went to bed I heard more and more of what she'd been through and got sick just listening. No one in her family knew the truth. None of her friends knew. Only other addicts knew. She couldn't talk to any of them because they would tell Derek anything since he controlled the supply. Derek didn't know where they were and he couldn't because he might go so far as to try and kidnap Kaylee. But Devon still loved him. Just talking about him always made her start sobbing. She wanted full custody at first. Then partway through the paperwork she would be in tears and change her mind, maybe Kaylee should see her father 2 days a week. She would never decide and the papers lay there uselessly. I tried to convince Devon to go shopping with me so they could have new clothes. Kaylee only had maybe 5 outfits. She never wanted to leave the house. Matt wasn't too thrilled about me and Devon spending so much time together. He said she should get a job. On the one hand, yes, she should be more independent. On the other, he didn't know Devon had quit meth a week before she moved in. He didn't know about the other trauma she had been through. He didn't know that Devon almost never slept and sent me into the backyard at night twice a week to make sure there was no one outside. He didn't know that even though I would pay for a babysitter Devon didn't trust anyone at all to watch Kaylee without her present. She had been abused as a child and would do anything to protect Kaylee from that. Matt didn't know because he was never there. Devon missed her brother so much. As kids they had kept each other safe in a broken household because only they shared a mother. Their stepmom was monstrous to both of them, but Devon most of all. Devon didn't know why her brother wouldn't talk to her. Finally I convinced Matt to hear her out. She admitted the meth addiction. Matt left the room. Devon got very drunk. She told me she didn't feel good and she wanted to dress nice because it cheered her up. She did her hair and makeup, put on her favorite jeans, and a leather jacket. I put on my psychedelic black and white cardigan, my leather pants, and tall boots. She didn't like my hair so she straightened it. She liked to straighten my hair. It was therapeutic for her because her stepmom always told her that her curly hair was ugly. She always burned me because she was singing along to music at the same time. That night she played a bunch of Jewel songs and she kissed me and told me she loved me. I loved her too. Before then we never even talked about what we were to each other. I can't stand to hear Jewel anymore.

Later on Devon heard her best friend was in town. By then I already knew that Devon loved Shanna and would pick up and leave with her if Shanna but said the word. Devon never had friends over so I told her to invite Shanna. She was happy and she got the place ready. Shanna arrived with a box of wine in tow, along with a small indian woman who was on her phone with her girlfriend for the entire time I knew her, and a young man who was getting married to his high school sweetheart next week. I rustled up herb and everyone got stoned. Shanna and Devon drank the whole box of cheap Merlot. Throughout the night I noticed several red flags. Right off, Devon introduced me as "my roommate Gary." I felt slighted but also understood we hadn't been together long, so no sense making a fuss. Next, whenever we ran out of wine Devon spoke loudly to the room saying "Let me see how much money I have." Which is silly because Devon had no money at all and hadn't in a long time but whatever I knew anyone would be embarrassed so I took the hint and got more wine. I returned a hero. Devon's version of the story had problems. Namely, Shanna was running her fingers through my hair. I didn't hate it. Shanna was gorgeous, she had a voice that made her sound perpetually sleepy. Plus I was buzzed and I couldn't see why "roommate Gary" would stop her. This left Devon jealous twice over. She proceeded to flirt with the betrothed man, but was shut down quickly. Both of his traveling companions knew his fiance, no surprise there. She shifted attention to the woman on the phone but that didn't work for her either, basically she just rudely interrupted a call. Finally as the group lost momentum Devon sensed Shanna would be leaving soon. She asked Shanna to follow her to the bathroom. My guests and I sat there making pleasant conversation when suddenly the sound of two women having sex cut through our words and woke up both Matt and Chip. Fortunately Kaylee was still fast asleep. Nobody acknowledged it. After about ten minutes Devon and Shanna reemerged. Devon had a preprepared story about hair and makeup. Shanna just smiled. Everyone said their goodbyes and I started cleaning up. Devon just watched me with her arms folded. I asked her if she wanted to talk. She stormed outside. I tried to stop her. I said "Please." I grabbed her hand. She never forgave me for that. "Let go of me." I should've stopped there but I followed her outside. I asked her to please talk to me. I should've walked away. Should've left her alone. She wouldn't say anything so I just started talking. "I don't care about it. I just don't know why you had to do it like that." She said she didn't do anything. "Everyone heard you two together." She didn't do anything. "Why are you denying it? Why didn't you tell them about us?" She said she didn't belong to me. I wasn't her boyfriend. "Right." We never fought before then. After that we just got petty. Started saying anything we could to hurt each other. She told me I was just like everyone else in her life, I didn't care about her, I just wanted to have her. We ended up holding onto each other but it was different, tense. The next couple of weeks we pushed each other's buttons a lot.

Then it was Devon's birthday all the sudden. I had been working on side projects every single day in addition to my full-time job just to keep her and Kaylee fed. Devon was broken hearted about her birthday. She said no one would come to see her. I told her we'd go out or something else fun. After I got off work. She said she didn't want to go out. On my way home she called me. Her friend Jamie wanted to come over. She needed a bunch of basic party supplies. She wanted balloons, glowsticks, Twister of all things. I said no problem. I spent a long time in the store talking about various party ideas. She made me promise not to get upset. I did. When I got back home Jamie was a 28 year old man and he was in my house. He was sitting at my table. Devon had her happy face on and she was cooking. She started out condescending and stuck with it. "There you are! This is my roommate Gary! What? Is that Twister? What's WRONG with you?" I knew then that it was over but I dug in for the long haul. Kaylee was right there and I made a promise. To say the atmosphere was charged would be an understatement. Jamie was about 200 pounds and objectively disgusting. I wish I was just saying that but seriously, dude needed a bath. He knew I had feelings for Devon and took every opportunity to bask in her favoritism. I didn't care. Guy didn't know who he was dealing with. He wanted to give me the alpha male routine but he couldn't hold eye contact with me, nobody can. Kaylee was hungry so I made her a plate like I'd done many times. Devon took the food away and said "You don't feed my daughter. What are you doing?" Kaylee was upset because she almost had food but then had it snatched away. Jamie grabbed a plate and put food on it and put it in front of Kaylee. Devon said "Thank you Jamie." It was going to be like that. After everyone was full Devon started asking herself aloud if she had any weed. I just let her. Hell if I was smoking up the ogre across from me. Plus Kaylee was right there. Finally Devon admitted to herself aloud that she did not have weed and asked me if I had any. "Kaylee is right there." Devon said she'd be fine. Jamie produced a bowl and began to smoke. He passed to Devon and she to me. I let it go right past me because I wanted to be cold sober. After that I watched him and Devon drink almost an entire bottle of tequila. Jamie said his friends were fishing under the bridge. He said we should go. Devon said that sounded like the best thing ever. She put the rest of her tequila in a Sprite bottle and begged me to go with them. I agreed. She insisted on riding with Jamie. Jamie's van only had two seats. Kaylee would just be in the back with no seatbelt. Jamie was driving and he was drunk and high. I wish it ended there. After I watched them drive off I didn't love Devon anymore. I was dead on the inside. I knew she'd been through a lot. I knew I'd hurt her when we argued. How could she put Kaylee in a situation like that? I wish it ended there but I'm just getting started.

#writing

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thebipolareffect-blog1 · 7 years

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Commitment Woes.

Today is the day that will change things in my relationship with E.

Last week, after some long conversations, we decided to start couples therapy. We both suffer from depression (His is MDD and mine is bipolar type 2) and anxiety. While we would like to pretend it doesn't, it definitely affects our relationship. Granted, it's not always negative. I find it endearing when he worries about me being alone at home all day, for example. It only becomes a problem when he starts talking about home safety in great lengths. SNORE (jk).

All that aside, we've got a pretty good thing going. We like each other most of the time. We communicate well for two mentally ill people. We have the same wants and ideas for the future. Our plans include each other. The next natural step seems like marriage, right? Wrong.

Let's dial the clock back a few days. We're both laying in bed, talking about whatever comes to mind. I turn to him and the conversation goes as follows:

R: I want to get married. To you.

E: Yeah?

R: Yeah. Would it be weird if I proposed to you?

E: Not at all. It'd take a lot of pressure off of me.

R: Cool.

E: Cool.

From this conversation, I took what he said as a 'YES GO AHEAD. GREEN LIGHT. ALL SYSTEMS ARE GO.', I still don't understand how I could have taken it any other way. PLEASE GIVE ME INPUT IF YOU SEE WHERE I WENT WRONG IN MY ASSUMPTIONS, BY THE WAY.

Anyway, I planned a fucking proposal. I bought a custom made ring. I bought a cute little custom dog-tag for S. I bought myself a placeholder ring (he wanted me to have one, too,). I get nervous, oh no. I tell him about it, cause why not! Conversation:

R: Nervous about proposing to the love of my life!

E: Nah, don't be. I know what his answer will be.

R: Are you SURE you want me to propose? I don't want to steal your thunder or emasculate you or anything.

E: We'll talk more about it later, work is getting busy.

R: OK

Again, didn't see any immediate "NO DONT" signs here. I should have sensed some apprehension in the "we'll talk later" part, but what could I do? I'd already ordered the stuff. Whatever. Plans are still a go at this point. We don't talk about this particular subject that night or the next day.

Tuesday morning comes around and I'm a mess of anxiety again. His ring has shipped, the dog-tag has shipped. My ring is being made. ANXIETY. ANXIETY. ANXIETY. So I talk to him again on his lunch break. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went so I'll summarize the best I can:

E: I don't really feel ready.

R: What? For marriage?

E: Yeah. I guess with my depression being as bad as it is right now and me starting a new medication...I just don't feel like it's the best idea.

R: Oh, okay. I understand.

I was stunned, honestly. We got off the phone and shit started to sink in, real hard. Panic. Panic. PANIC. Why did he wait to tell me?

My heart was in a trillion pieces and I wasn't quite sure how to even start the repair process. My thoughts were spiraling, I was not in control. I texted E and told him what was happening. I told him I worried about coming across pushy or like I was trying to guilt him into marriage.

I told him my thoughts were running rampant trying to figure out the 'WHY' part of things. I told him the things I worried about.

He doesn't love me.

He doesn't want me.

He's ashamed of me.

He doesn't like the way I look.

I'm not good enough for him.

I'm not attractive enough.

I'm too broken.

I'm too sad.

I'm too much.

He will never be ready.

He did his best to reassure me. He DID want to get married, he wasn't ready yet. I don't know about any other girl in the world but I've been told all my adult life that when a man says he's not ready, it actually means he doesn't want to marry you. At all. I couldn't get around it.

For the next few days, things kind of piled up. I became depressed. I couldn't take care of myself very well. I wasn't taking care of the housework. I managed to get grocery shopping done. I managed to keep myself and the pets alive. That's about it. It was straining on our relationship.

We went on a short day trip to the next town over. He was driving and I was in the passenger's seat. We were listening to music. "Our Song" came on, he sang it and looked at me. I wanted to bawl. It hurt that he was being so good to me while I was tearing myself up feeling like he had rejected me. I was still having trouble sorting my thoughts on the matter. I was hurting. I still am hurting.

We ended up talking about it again a few days later. He told me he worried about me changing my mind. He worried about me growing restless and cheating. He worried about him not being good enough for me. I don't know how to quell any of these anxieties and I don't know if he does either.

I ended up not sleeping that night and I typed everything that had gone on into a Reddit post and sought advice. There weren't many responses. The few I did get suggested couples therapy/counseling. DUH, R.

E had suggested it before, a few months ago. We had some small troubles that resolved themselves after a little while so we never pursued it. I let him know I wanted to see a counselor and if he wanted to go, that was great. If not, I'd go alone and work on our relationship myself but I hoped he would go. He said yes and here we are today. Our appointment is in 2 hours.

I'm a mess of nervousness. It's not quite anxiety...it's a different flavor. Milder, I suppose. We had an argument last night and it sort of boiled down to him worrying about me. He's worried about my mental well-being and it's stressing on him because he has to worry about himself, too. I told him that I was okay, but I sometimes needed help but was afraid to ask. He said he felt the same way. We talked and laughed about some stuff and went to sleep a little late. He woke up this morning feeling down so I asked him if he needed help, he said no and went off to work. He seemed better when I talked to him at lunch, so I'm hoping he is doing better.

I will likely write again tonight or tomorrow afternoon detailing the appointment some more. I'd like to document our progress on different matters. I want to share myself with someone outside of our relationship, sometimes. I don't have any friends who would/could accept that burden so I pour it out into this blog. I appreciate anyone who reads and I would love feedback, on the writing or the content. EDIT: I wanted to add another event. It occurred sometime between him agreeing to counseling and the date that I posted this. His ring had arrived and the dog tag had as well. He brought in the mail along with both packages and asked what they were. He already had some sort of idea of how I would propose. I didn't want to surprise him with it and make him uncomfortable. I told him he could open them and he did. The tag reads "Will you marry my mama?", the ring is made of tungsten and finished matte. It's gorgeous and I'm proud of myself for picking it out. Anyway, he looks at the dog tag and smiles and kind of shuffles his feet. He looks up at me and grins and says

E: I will.

R: What?

E: Marry his mama.

He put the ring on and wore it for a few hours until it started to get uncomfortable. I beamed, he beamed. I was so happy, I was so excited. We had worked things out. It was easy! Cool!

Later that night in bed, he sighed.

E: Why am I such a commit-a-phobe?

Here we go, again. Broken into pieces, again. Dammit, E.

#relationships #mental illness #marriage #07262017

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