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firebirdsdaughter · 4 years

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RANT

The entirety of my tag rant.

I’m not normally this… I dunno what the word would be. Invested? Emotional? I know it’s just a show (and none of this is directed at anyone, I mean, Toei doesn’t give a shit what I think), but…

The thing is that, like Ryusoulger, the show and esp the Horobi and Fuwa dynamic (and Horobi and Jin) helped me get through a really shitty time for me, emotionally. They got me through… possibly some of the closest I’ve ever gotten to being suicidal, depression-wise, a seat they share w/ OOO (and Ankh and Eiji’s relationship) and Boukenger my freshman spring semester of college.

I am not actively suicidal. I have never been actively suicidal. I am very… Well, proud’s not the right word, but it’s the closest I got—proud of that.

But I spent a long spell of unemployment and then being cooped up in the house on furlough absolutely losing my mind. I felt like shit and a failure and I was scared, and mad at everything. I couldn’t get in touch w/ my therapist. Ryusoulger and then Horobi and Fuwa (and often Horobi and Jin) helped alleviate that. Helped get me through the week w/out going insane. I got to completely set everything aside and smile for a bit. I got inspired to write again after having lost interest for a bit. Even just the few-second basement eps came to be so important to me. I was so invested in these two characters and their relationship, it was like, everything I loved about that type of set up, everything.

To see it so completely… Shoved aside and forgotten like that… It’s… It’s really painful. It feels like a judgement on me, like the universe is mocking me for liking something. And if I had been equally as interested in the thing that was wedged in its place, things might be different, but instead I felt nothing for Fuwa and Naki. What started as bland indifference, however, turned to a psychosomatic reaction as suddenly took over everywhere to the point that it was night impossible to stay in my corner bc my corner no longer existed. I suddenly didn’t feel like I had anything to talk to people about anymore. Even now, I know of like, one and a half people I feel like I talk to about Horobi and Fuwa. There was a lot of going on about why Naki and Fuwa were ‘better’ to the point I had to mute or even unfollow bc I was just… Having too severe a psychological reaction. And the fact that it’s literally the canon content itself behaving in this way too just makes it all the more agonising.

And again, this isn’t at anyone. I’m just explaining why I have such an intense reaction, and this is only all spilling out bc I am tired as FUCK and I may delete it later. I’m literally such a mess I’m crying right now. But I want to stop hiding in a corner grumbling to myself.

I know there’s a tag that says ‘I want to be able to say ‘I don’t ship something’ w/out feeling like I have to justify myself’ and that’s exactly what I’m doing, trying to justify myself, but like, proving my point, I guess. I’m at a point w/ my anxiety and paranoia that I feel like I have to go on a whole rambling explanation of my depression and anxiety and coping mechanisms just to say ‘I disagree, I don’t ship this/enjoy it, I don’t understand why it’s so popular’ w/ something (which is also an example of my psychosis bc I am constantly terrified I’m making people angry).

So fine. I don’t enjoy Naki and Fuwa. I think I could have, if things had been written differently. Interesting concept, Nakayama’s a legend, Okada’s a great actor, Fuwa’s my other favourite character, Naki’s actually fourth on my character list bc I am quote fond of the bits of them we got to see, I named the car I use after them, mbjr were always more interesting to me than the heroes excepting Fuwa.

But as it ended up being written, I do not enjoy it at all, and it actually gives me a psychosomatic reaction (which is, admittedly, not uncommon for me w/ notps, I will admit). The fact is, Horobi and Fuwa were not just the exact kind of dynamic I am interested in, but they also got me through some rough shit, and are still getting me through it, and so yes, I am going to be very emotional that this relationship that was very important to me got completely dropped for this relationship that not only does not interest me at all but has things that make me very uncomfortable w/ it, and I am going to have a reaction to it, and I don’t care that it’s popular or that Toei is pushing it, I disagree, I do not think it’s strong enough to warrant all the hype and attention, and it makes me feel unwell, and I should not feel like I’m somehow offending the entire internet for disagreeing. There are people out there victim blaming Horobi for the Ark and Gai’s actions w/out worrying about this stuff, if they can do that, I can bloody say I don’t like a popular pairing and I think it was poorly written and poorly developed and should not have been wedged in instead of another relationship which to me was much more interesting and meaningful and powerful and I should not feel bad for liking different things and bloody go off.

There just was not enough to make me feel at all connected. Esp not for it to be equated w/ 02. Draft horse pack on a shetland pony. And I am tired enough that I refuse to feel bad for this at the moment. I’m tired of feeling bad about all the people I know I drove away and who don’t want to talk to me bc I happened to not like the popular thing or bc I was vocal about my feelings.

I’m sure I’ll feel hella guilty and delete this all later but fuck it right now I’m running on four hours of sleep for ten hours and I don’t care anymore.

#Firebird Personal #Mention of Suicidal Tendencies #which I do not have could never do that to my sister #Rant #Fuwa and Naki Negativity #I'm tired #will probably delete later #gods how many people jumped ship bc I was getting emotional about a tv show #I'm so tired #tired of being lonely #I'm working five days in a row and it's exhausting I'm burning out #I can barely focus enough to do other stuff #hardly sleep #fuck guys I feel like shit I'm sorry #I'm just… so tired and angry right now #and lonely

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