#Elden Ring Fuckability

[reyrapidsbutgayer]

Ranking All Elden Ring Bosses by Fuckability

It was only a matter of time until I made a post like this.

In this hypothetical all of the bosses can be reasonably communicated with and are not actively trying to kill you.

Repeat bosses not included, duo bosses counted seperate.

It should also be assumed that all of these bosses have access to their magic/items/resources to benefit them in bed.

Explanation of Grading system:

Ineligible: (Cannot give consent)

These characters are not sentient enough to communicate consent, or are physically incapable of sex.

Unfuckable: (Can give consent, but does not DESERVE sex)

Character sucks so badly that they do not deserve to experience pleasure in any shape or form.

Uninterested: (Can give consent, does not WANT sex)

These character are fully capable of sex but would never participate in sex due to lack of interest or overabundance of moral convictions.

Not worth it: (Can give consent, is terrible in bed)

I mean, you COULD have sex with these characters but why would you?

Acceptable: (Can give consent, would be fine in bed)

These characters are average in bed, nothing crazy or noticeable. Some might end up in this category because they ARE good at sex, but the entire process would be inconvenient or uncomfortable to initiate.

Good Time: (Can give consent, would be great in bed)

These characters are good at sex, give or take a few points depending on their mood or situation.

Knock your socks off: (Can give consent, would be amazing in bed)

These characters excel in giving pleasure and would be well worth the time and effort involved.

Sex God: (Can give consent, would be the best in bed)

These characters would be so good at sex that all other factors are irrelevant. They are serving and we are here for it.

Evil Sex God: (Can give consent, is a terrible person but you’d make an exception.)

These are characters that should fall lower in the rankings, but their sexual prowess supersedes their inherent awfulness to a noteworthy degree.

Full list below the read more. Obviously it's not going to be sfw.

Ineligible: (Cannot give consent)

Dragonkin Soldier:

Mindless beast

Astel, Naturalborn of the Void

Weird rock alien, doesn't/can't understand.

Fia's Champions:

Ghosts, simps.

Regal Ancestor Spirit

Animal

Erdtree Avatar

A plant

Great Wyrm Theodorix

Mindless beast.

Ulcerated Tree Spirit

A plant, no junk

Tibia Mariner:

Skeleton

Red Wolf of the Champion:

Animal.

Full-Grown Fallingstar Beast

Weird rock alien, doesn't/can't understand.

Abductor Virgin

First off, just some snakes in a robot. Second, virgin.

Erdtree Burial Watchdog

Stone gargoyle

Crystalians

Non-organic

Mad Pumpkin Heads

Unable to consent due to madness.

Cemetery Shade

Unable to consent due to mind controlling parasite.

Spirit-Caller Snail

Animal

Runebear

Animal

Miranda the Blighted Bloom

A plant

Guardian Golem

Stone gargoyle

Starscourge Radahn:

Unable to consent due to madness

Unfuckable: (Can give consent, but does not DESERVE sex)

Elden Beast:

Too catholic.

Sir Gideon Ofnir, the All-Knowing:

Dick game weak - unironically posts joker memes.

Omenkiller:

Basically a cop.

Necromancer Garris:

Killed his family, not a good husband.

Royal Revenant:

Won't stop screaming (in an unsexy way)

Godrick the Grafted:

Incel - Also all that murder and torture business but mostly the Incel stuff.

Uninterested: (Can give consent, does not WANT sex)

Valiant Gargoyle:

Could probably have sex if it wanted to, but is kinda going through a lot right now. Ya know, that whole "Is made of several corpses mashed together" thing.

Malenia, Blade of Miquella:

Look, I ALSO wanted her to higher up on this list, but let's be honest here. Her body is rotting and falling apart, she just isn't up for sex in her current form. In her prime? She'd be top of the list. She's the daughter of Marika and Radagon, she'd be playing fuck/marry/kill with every warrior who crossed her path. (in that order)

Death Rite Bird:

I think it might be physically capable of sex, but is too busy burning corpses to bother with stuff like that.

Black Blade Kindred:

Same reason as the Valiant Gargoyle but you might have like 2% more of a chance because they are goth.

Maliketh, the Black Blade:

Would normally be a sex god, but is too religious. Probably took a vow about this sort of thing.

Morgott, the Omen King:

You kidding me? This guy has the same energy as a repressed youth pastor. He's gonna be a virgin till the day he dies. The dude sided with the same religious order that locked him a sewer and tried to kill him. He's not out there getting phone numbers he's too busy praying and judging others for their 'impure thoughts'.

Draconic Tree Sentinel:

Married to his job, also physically chained to his horse. He ain't taking off that armor anytime soon.

Wormface:

Too sad, leave him alone his face is full of worms.

Tree Sentinel:

Same as the Draconic Tree Sentinel but he's a tiny bit more naive so you might have a better chance.

Elder Dragon Greyoll:

Too sleepy, but still kinda a milf.

Grafted Scion:

There might be some genitals in there somewhere but I don't think they know how or even want to use them.

Not worth it: (Can give consent, is terrible in bed)

Esgar, Priest of Blood:

No sense of hygiene, is always covered in blood (in an unsexy way)

Mohg, Lord of Blood:

This loser is dripping with all the least sexy bodily fluids and he has sharp horns sticking out of him. Even if you got him in bed you'd only enjoy like 5% of it. Plus you just know he'd be all needy afterwards and try to get you to join his MLM.

Borealis the Freezing Fog:

Too cold, not a snuggler.

Elemer of the Briar:

The armor stays ON during sex.

Kindred of Rot:

It's like all the worst possible aspects of alien biology, it won't be nearly as fun as you hoped.

Sanguine Noble:

Same as all the other Mohg followers, too sticky and too smelly.

Decaying Ekzykes:

He's sick right now, leave him alone.

Acceptable: (Can give consent, would be fine in bed)

Loretta, Knight of the Haligtree:

I'm sure she'd be a decent lover. Maybe a little overzealous but she'd has good intentions.

Grave Warden Duelist:

I mean these guys are hot and probably fuck like a truck but they are not the most caring lovers, also they are covered in live snakes so there is that.

Night's Cavalry:

If you like goth knights I'm sure they'd be fine.

Onyx Lord:

Their skin probably feels like stone, but I bet they can pull off all sorts of freaky zero-g sex stuff if you ask them.

Alabaster Lord:

Same as the Onyx Lord but slightly more goth.

Fell Twins:

Once you get past the horns and stuff I bet the Omens are actually pretty good in bed, just watch out.

Demi-Human Queens:

I feel like all Demi-humans are pretty good lovers but their biology probably has some unexpected drawbacks.

Stonedigger Troll:

If you can get past the texture and the size I bet they could be decent in bed.

Flying Dragon Greyll:

A surprisingly unsexy dragon, but a dragon is a dragon and still worth at least a one night stand.

Glintstone Dragon Adula:

A dragon willing to kill racist magic users, earns them a few extra points.

Beastman of Farum Azula:

On one hand the Beastmen probably have crazy mating skills, but they are also zombies, which detracts some points for all the decay.

Battlemage Hugues:

Contrary to popular belief, Wizards are not very good at sex. They spend all their time studying instead of partying, at least Hugues is willing to get his hands dirty.

Commander O'Neil:

Seems like a decent guy, but probably won't shut up about his time in the military. Also he is infected with scarlet rot so that might be a mood killer.

Bloodhound Knight Darriwil:

The bloodhound knights are probably pretty wild in bed if you can earn their loyalty, but good luck with that.

Adan, Thief of Fire:

The dude committed heresy, that has to earn him some sexy points.

Soldier of Godrick:

He's a good boy, he's doing his job so throw him a bone.

Flying Dragon Agheel:

One of the first dragons you encounter, so he earns some points for style.

Demi-Human Chief:

Same as the queens, but probably a bit rougher in bed.

Good Time: (Can give consent, would be great in bed)

Lichdragon Fortissax:

A much sexier dragon, you know they were hooking up with Godwin. Only loses some points for all the death rot.

Crucible Knight Siluria:

A bit gloomy, but I bet the crucible knights can do all sorts of freaky stuff with their animal body parts.

Mimic Tear:

A slippery liquid shapeshifter, need I say more?

Commander Niall:

A way better guy than O'Niel, plus he just a bit more daddy energy.

Fire Giant:

Once you get past his size, his sadness and the giant fell god of destruction in his chest, I bet he's got something going on.

Ancient Hero of Zamor:

Gives me Hercules/Amazonian vibes, I could be into it.

Cleanrot Knight:

Lesbian activities detected.

Crucible Knight:

These guys have tails, horns, wings and big old throat sacks. Imagine the possibilities.

Glintstone Dragon Smarag:

Has a sword. If you hear "Dragon holding a sword" and your pants aren't already off, we can't be friends.

Bols, Carian Knight:

He seems like a good boy.

Scaly Misbegotten:

I feel like the Misbegotten have some really interesting possibilities with their animal biology. I bet they have bonobo type societies and that could be fun.

Leonine Misbegotten:

Same as the other Misbegotten.

Misbegotten Warrior:

Same as the other Misbegotten.

Knock your socks off: (Can give consent, would be amazing in bed)

Crucible Knight Ordovis:

Has all the desirable traits of a Crucible Knight but I also imagine they are super into threesomes.

Perfumer Tricia:

She seems really nice, and would be a super attentive lover. Plus she probably has access to crazy drugs and could hook you up.

Nox Swordstress & Nox Priest:

You just know that the Nox were getting up to crazy hot and crazy unethical experiments in their underground cities. These two probably get up to some wild shit and they are inviting you to join them.

Rennala, Queen of the Full Moon:

As she is now, I bet she'd be too sad to really be in a relationship again. But she kept up with Radagon and you just know she has some tricks up her sleeves that could make you abandon the golden order.

Sex God: (Can give consent, would be the best in bed)

Dragonlord Placidusax:

Has two male heads and three female heads, imagine...

Ancient Dragon Lansseax:

Formed a whole freaky dragon/human cult and you just know they got into some eyes-wide-shut orgies behind those doors.

Godfrey, First Elden Lord (Hoarah Loux):

We all knew he'd be this high on the list. He was just a normal dude but he managed to keep pace with Queen Marika (Who is basically a goddess of fertility) for a good long while. He will fold you in half (on the battlefield and in the bedroom.)

Evil Sex God: (Can give consent, is a terrible person but you’d make an exception.)

Radagon of the Golden Order:

He sucks in all the worst ways, but I mean... You can't NOT. Both Radagon and Marika are the embodiment of evil but they managed to suck and fuck their way across an entire continent for generations. You HAVE to give a try at least once.

Godskin Duo:

Oh my god will it be awful with all those flayed human skins, but you know you are still gonna have to. They can stretch and do all sorts of freaky stuff with their bodies, plus they kill gods and nothing is sexier than heresy.

Vyke, Knight of the Roundtable:

The dude is a mad killer but... he can still probably get it, might as well give it a try.

God-Devouring Serpent / Rykard, Lord of Blasphemy:

Personally I wouldn't, he's a loser and will probably kill you. But he is also a giant snake made up of squirming hands doing all sorts of sexual experiments, I can't blame you if you want to give it a taste.

Black Knife Assassin:

They committed a whole lot of treason but the power of armored lesbians is too hard to resist.

Patches:

If you are already having sex with from software characters, you gotta give Patches at least one attempt. When you wake up he'll have robbed you, but you knew what you were getting into.

#meme #shitpost #do not take seriously #Elden Ring #Elden Ring memes #Elden Ring Fuckability #Elden Ring Ranking #Elden Ring Shitpost #Ranking #monster fucker #from software #tw: sex mention #Dark Souls #Radagon of the Golden Order #Godskin Duo #Vyke #Knight of the Roundtable #God-Devouring Serpent #Rykard #Lord of Blasphemy #Black Knife Assassin #Patches #Dragonkin Soldier #Astel Naturalborn of the Void #Fia's Champions #Regal Ancestor Spirit #Erdtree Avatar #Great Wyrm Theodorix #Ulcerated Tree Spirit #Tibia Mariner

[fuckabledragonoftheday]

Today's fuckable dragon of the day is...

GRANSAX from ELDEN RING

#dragon of the day #anonymous #elden ring #gransax

[cursed-40k-thoughts]

who is the least fuckable demigod in elden ring?

I’m going to say Miquella because he is in fact a child made of beef jerky and Rapunzel hair. He needs hydration and a competent parental figure. I get the impression Radagon and Marika were less than ideal.

[arx-aru]

the kindred of rot deserve their own ending you guys are just mean

Look!!! The lonely, unwanted children are really just after affirmation. :( Mommy issues! Just like all of Marika's kids! Come on dawg they're just as sympathetic a faction as any of the others, surely

Like yeah obviously it's a stretch to posit any such hypothetical as a "good" outcome. but certainly no more than it is to wholeheartedly endorse any of the current endings; the in-universe arguments for all of them are made by parties with clear biases and motives, and there exists no concrete lore to prove anybody is the "correct" choice or whatever. That's half the point of Dark Souls/Elden Ring plots--unraveling "truth" from myriad twisted narratives is messy and not always possible. You have to make inferences and judgments informed, inescapably, by your own biases.

And, yes, the pests engage in slavery in mines but nearly every faction in the Lands Between does that(I think the only exceptions are Rykardans and the immediate Miquellans...? But the troll-pulled pilgrim carriage is ambiguous in fealty). If anything, we see most other factions being markedly more abusive to their subjects(omens, demi-humans, albinaurics, everything directly involving Marika, etc).

More interestingly, taking a step back-- the rot worshipers are direct foils to Millicent; they differ meaningfully only in attractiveness and their inferences.

The kindred imagine the presently sleeping Malenia to want something different from what Millicent specifically does... but both parties are assuming; both Millicent and the Pests have specifically only been around while Malenia was comatose and unable to voice her will. so like. nobody has any idea in the moment what her takes during and after Aeonia are. unless Malenia actually was awake before the Tarnished arrived and did object to the kindred hanging out around her(for which there's no evidence afaik)... it's moot, which party was "correct," barring retrospect colored(not confirmed) by information only revealed later and to which only the Tarnished is privy. And that evaluation would be meaningless by nature anyway.

They're not even doing wrong by Malenia--at least, not knowingly. They just want their goddess's favor... like everybody else. They're certainly weird about it, but bear in mind that our(Millicent's) definition of help involves beating Malenia to death soooooooooo are we really in position to judge the pests' plans, whatever they may be?

I mean. I'm just saying. If the pests/gowry/worshipers were sexy ladies or voiced like say Morgott or Rykard, people would be all over them. It is specifically because they're not fuckable that they fall behind other factions in metatextual moral evaluations.

it's not the shrimp agenda speaking i swear it's just that they have cool grooves

#elden ring lore #scarlet rot #yeah the item descriptions aren't necessarily reliable narrators #but they're no more or less so than any other textual evidence #that's the point of the game's storytelling technique

[a-silver-dragoness]

#fallout new vegas #joshua graham #fnv dead money #fnv honest hearts #darksiders #darksiders 2 #mr x #resident evil 2 #elden ring #godfrey the first elden lord #hollow knight #the hollow knight

[thebuttsymposium]

#gay #gaming #video games

[lunaris-the-hummingbird]

#elden ring #soulsborne #dragon poll

[foolish-gay-jester]

Tonight I'm pondering the fuckability of the elden ring characters, but I know my weak little flesh body could not withstand very much. So, really, I'm thinking about which one I'd be most okay with pounding me into dust and ending my existence.

#elden ring #shit post #probably more than is acceptable #I have a very weak constitution

[aberrantred]

Thinking about Elden Ring. They really did something having a rot goddess with wings made of moths take her tits out and fight you.

Listen. For the DLC. All I need is for them to one up that by adding a strange, fuckable twink who is sexualized through the grotesque and is also the hardest boss in gaming history.

Is that too much to ask, Miyazaki?

#elden ring #t4t nblm #t4t nsft #nsft trans #trans nsft

[draayder]

FMK: Starscourge Radahn, Godrick the Grafted, Rykard Lord of Blasphemy

I have not played elden ring (or any souls game outside of like an hour of sekiro) so I have no particularly attachment to any of these guys

but anyways

Radahn

I did see this guy wrecking everyone's shit. I think it's funny how he just shoves his horse underground sometimes. I don't know if he's fuckable tho but honestly most of souls guys aren't super, so he might end up the Least Bad

Godrick

pros: lots of arms cons: kinda yucky?

I'm just not feeling this dude. hmm

Rykard

awww man. I was holding out for someone to be hot. hrrm

I don't know what his deal is but I absolutely cannot fuck him. I think I'm marrying Radhan cause I know he's at least dedicated, given the horse situation. which means one off putting encounter with Godrick and I'm in the clear

#fmk #anonymous

[moribundtcake]

There's something about Bloodborne that draws me in in a way that Elden Ring just fails to do. I don't mean the plot or anything but like as far as character fuckability goes

#sybil says #bloodborne #there isnt even a deranged old man ranting about blood like. #what am i supposed to do with this #genuinely tho i think its just because bb's themes are more appealing to me

[rawmeknockout]

play elden ring theres so many gross but fuckable things in there

i would but kjhfkd i dont think my laptop could handle it

#asks

[lankieghost]

Lankie's Bloodborne Boss Ranking Bonanza! (Part 1/3)

I played Bloodborne for the first time a couple of weeks a go! Hot dang! Only took 7 years to get round to it!

For context I did watch a bunch of streams and lets plays way back in 2015, so unfortunately I was not going into this blind. I was curious to see if the game still held up even if I had the whole thing spoilt for me.

Also I played through the whole game offline and beat every boss* solo.

Spoilers for Bloodborne, by the way, if that wasn't clear.

ANYWAYS here's my rankings for all 22 bosses, in order of when I fought them!

It's the first boss of the game! And the first of many, many, big ol' beasts. CB is the most vanilla of all the beasts, they're kinda just a big guy that takes very telegraphed swings at you. As you can see I beat them on my first try. I was worried that my time with Elden Ring had made TOO POWERFUL and that I would find no challenge in Bloodborne.

Spoiler alert: This does not happen.

It's pronounced Gas-Coin. Not Gas-qwan or Gas-coy-geh-ni.

It's the first hunter in the game! He's a pretty fun fight albeit very forgiving. The arena is huge and full of graves that you can kite him around, he's super easy to parry, I didn't even need to use the music box to stun him. He's got a second form which is a little tougher, but again, after being in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber that is Elden Ring, he posed little threat

I appreciate that Gascoigne is not just some random guy, they build a little story around him and it's a good intro to the themes and tone of Bloodborne, which is everything is bad and you may at any time succumb to bloodlust and turn into a werewolf. I elected not to go back to the daughter and tell her both her parents are dead.

This gangly bastard was the first boss to pose a challenge for me. They hit hard and they're poison is real annoying, it doesn't help that it takes approximately one hundred years to take an antidote. You're telling me my hunter will gladly slam a blood vile into his thigh in half a second but when it comes to taking an aspirin he has to take a full 5 seconds to make sure he doesn't gag?

Every time you die to BsB you gotta run aaaalllllll the way through Old Yharnam to get back to the fight. It's very annoying and I'm glad that, for the most part, they got rid of these run backs in Elden Ring.

I swear to god they're not all going to be B's okay, just bare with me alright?

You've fought Cleric Beast, now it's time to fight BIG CLERIC BEAST!

Ok that's needlessly reductive, Amelia's got some stuff going on. I like that she backs up to heal herself, encouraging you play aggressive. I like that you see her transform in the cutscene and that she's cradling her pendant the entire fight.

I tend to dislike bigger Soulsborne bosses because you gotta wrangle the camera controls more. Nothing stings more than dying because the camera was stuck in the bosses model and all I see is bunch of Amela's Sephiroth-ass hair. People rag on From Software for having a lot of bosses which is just 'a big man in armour with a sword' but at least in those fights the camera isn't flying out of control constantly!

Side note: when google image searching Vicar Amelia for my little animation I found an alarming amount of horny art for this character. None of the other bosses have this problem. So congratulations Vicar Amelia for being the most fuckable Bloodborne boss I guess!

So hey, remember when I said that I watched a bunch of streams and lets plays of Bloodborne way back in 2015? This is where that nugget of information becomes relevant!

So the Witch of Hemwick is a gimmick fight. The real witches (there's two of them!) are invisible and wandering around the arena and you gotta find them to do any damage to the health bar. I feel that a lot of the appeal of this boss fight is the 'a-ha!' moment you get when you discover the gimmick. Unfortunately, I just knew right out the gate what to do.

I completely ignored the tall scythe witches just to hunt down the real witches and, bizarrely they pretty much ignored me too? I don't think they ever tried to attack me in the entire fight. The real witches have a couple of attacks but they barely do anything.

This is definitely a fight that would of benefited me going in completely blind. But even then, this fight is not a great one. Another first try medal for me though! Hurray!

*Okay, so, here's the thing.

I fought and died to Paarl a couple of times, then I decided 'hey, I haven't tried out the AI summons yet! Lets see how good they are!'

TURNS OUT: VERY. THEY ARE VERY GOOD.

Me and my AI buddy proceeded to completely stun lock this poor electro boy into oblivion, making the fight absolutely trivial. I'd love to tell you more about Paarl! They seemed pretty tough! But alas, I didn't realise I was summoning in the god damn Terminator to lend me a helping hand.

As such, I don't feel comfortable giving Paarl I ranking because I didn't beat them, the game beat them.

I should say, I don't want to undermine anyone's experience. If you got through Bloodborne summoning for every boss then that's totally fine, you beat the game fair and square. Personally I prefer to fight the bosses solo.

But alas curiosity killed the cat. Or in the case: Big lightning dog.

A classic From Software move: Having an early boss be just some regular late game enemies.

I was dreading this fight because generally I do not like bosses with multiple enemies in them. I find that Soulsborne are at their best with one-on-one fights. But actually the Shadows are not too bad! One is dedicated ranged attacker, one is a combo, and one is a dedicated melee fighter, so I was rarely swarmed by multiple attackers.

It's kind of a weird boss fight because it actually gets easier the further you get into the fight. They do become all snakey when one of them gets low enough on HP, but all they get is one new attack. honestly the regular snake head enemies leading up to this fight were more challenging than these guys.

This is definitely my favourite animation I did for these rankings though. Look at those little Ring Wraith Snake Boys! So Delightful!

Rom, The Vacuous Spider is another gimmick fight in the sense that she barely fights back. She's constantly backing up from you while her little spiders guard her. She'll occasional shoot meteors at you but so long as you keep an eye on her you can dodge them pretty easy.

This is one of the few bosses which I do feel bad for killing, the first time you encounter her you can walk straight up to her and she'll do nothing. Killing Rom is when the game goes from 'Gothic horror with some hints of cosmic horror' to full on 'Eldritch Terror' so it really cements that you're not necessarily the good guy in this scenario.

I don't have much else to say about this boss fight so I'm going to end this section with wishing the Byrgenwerth was a bigger area. Feels like it was really hyped up and then it's basically just a courtyard and one building. What a rinky dink school! I'm sending my kids Raya Lucaria!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's all for Part 1

In the next part, things get considerably more eldritchy!

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

#bloodborne #bloodborne spoilers #ranking #animation #boss

[nek-ros]

elden ring monsters look extremely fuckable to me for some reason

[death-stranded]

Blaidd, the Half-Wolf is my fave Elden Ring NPC cause he’s big, strong, polite, integral to the game’s best sidequest, and so absolutely fuckable!!

🥵🥹

I’m still raging about how his quest line ends 😥

#personal #gaymer #adam plays elden ring