#Do other people not compartmentalize when they're coping with stress?

[amtrak12]

I do find it fascinating how many readers take a character statement as the Absolute Truth and don't consider there may be layers of hidden meaning tucked beneath the surface. This happens over and over again in my Lucifer fic, particularly with Chloe's dialogue.

The most recent example is when she said 'Our relationship doesn't matter. Rory's more important.' and some readers were like 'Doesn't seem like she's very interested in a relationship with Lucifer. Where does she think Rory came from then? Doesn't she realize if she doesn't sleep with Lucifer, Rory won't exist in the future?'

When the context of this argument and that line is it's the DAY after they learned this toddler is their daughter from the future and a mere TWO WEEKS after Chloe learned angels were real and her partner was the literal, actual Devil. This woman is stressed as fuck! Do you analyze the romantic feelings you've been suppressing since the object of those feelings rejected you when you're stressed as fuck? Cause I sure don't! She's in survival mode right now! I thought that was obvious??? STOP TAKING ME AND THE CHARACTERS AT OUR WORDS! WE'RE ALL LIARS IN THIS NARRATIVE!

#My tone might seem like I'm angry about this #But I'm simply continually perplexed #Is this a product of being in my mid 30s? Are the readers that behind in life experience? #Or is it a product of me being acespec? Cause my sex drive shuts down when I'm stressed and my emotions get muted too? #Do other people not compartmentalize when they're coping with stress? #I'm so confused #Maybe I'm not making character motivations obvious enough but what am I supposed to do? #Write: 'Our relationship doesn't matter' she lied. Their relationship was one of the most important things in her life #and a daughter from the future only reinforced that. #First of all: I'm in close limited 3rd person POV not omniscient. #Secondly: BABE SHE'S FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW AND WOULD NOT BE THINKING LIKE THAT!

[dissociationawareness]

It's funny how quiet multiplicity can be.

It's almost as if internal experiences aren't easily observable to others outside of us - like how people often don't know when people are sad.

It often feels like a large part of severe dissociative disorders is denial - both internally and externally. It's like how depression and anxiety can produce delusions that warp a person's perception of reality in ways that would be obvious if they weren't so well hidden.

Like how I convince myself I'm not multiple anymore, like I somehow developed a singular self by magic at age 30. I want to convince myself that being multiple is a thing for children (I mean, isn't it? In that it's developmentally normal for kids under age 10), like I'm immature for having this developmental disorder... yet I readily accept that I have ADHD even though practitioners have suggested that I've grown out of it because I mask well (though still having severe deficits in executive function, though that's muddied by dissociation from childhood to now).

Like how my therapist says I haven't talked about them in awhile, while I know that not only are they still there, but that some dissociative barriers are still present (though much more difficult to trigger at this point). Like missing several hours of an especially stressful day at work, or hearing myself say something that I don't ever say, after I've been half present for hours.

I'd like to think that we mostly work together these days. I like to believe I've progressed on a continuum in symptomology from DID to OSDD because the activity has progressed from like 10 to 3 over the last few years.

And it's odd that at times I'm both still incredibly grateful that I'm not alone, but also ok with and distressed by loneliness.

It feels like therapy has taken me a far way, yet there's still so much to be done. All I really know is that the bulk of the work I felt was necessary on the dissociation itself seems largely done, yet the work on it's exacerbations has been largely ignored.

I don't see dissociation as a disorder I'm dealing with anymore, but a symptom of other disorders, namely the anxiety that rules my life. I think what dysfunctional dissociation I still experience would be greatly improved by simply addressing the anxiety that pushes my brain to that space.

I wonder a lot if that would make me somehow not multiple anymore. I've come to the conclusion that while I'd accept that if it were a natural process, that the structure of my brain will always make that level of dissociation possible - that my others are compartmentalizations in my brain - both part of me, yet distinctly separate. I don't view that as a thing to repair, I see it as a survival mechanism. It's almost like a super power - some inherent ability I'm capable of that most folks are not because my brain developed differently. If I could remove the disorder, there'd be nothing wrong with it - it's like a backup in my head if I can't cope with the situation.

I'm grateful for them as I've ever been. Even when the denial strikes and I think they're gone, I can just be assured that what's happening is I'm coping well with the present stressors. And even if I convince myself I'm somehow one, I know that should stress ever overcome my ability to cope, they'll be there to back me up. At this point, seeing who still fronts and knowing more about the system, who tends to front for what sorts of stressors... I can at least be assured that if I lose time, that time will be in good hands.

As always, we exist to survive, and regardless of my desires, that is what we will continue to do.

#dissociation #did #dissociative identity disorder #actuallydissociative #actuallydid #multiplicity #plurality #actuallymultiple #idk what tags are currently being used #but I'm getting: #personal