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cryingatships · 8 months

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I was rewatching Dangerous Romance for Reasons, and there's sooo many stuff happening in the background, but this dinnertime conversation between Kanghan and his father made me think a little deeper.

Kanghan first brings up the topic of him running for the school president. His grandmother encourages him, saying how proud she'll be to have her son and grandsons be successful in their own areas.

"I could tell the whole neighborhood about it."

Very typical Asian elder talk. C'mon Asian ppl of ql tumblr, we've all heard about how the kid next door is the student representative/won an essay competition/ranked first in the exam/plays a sport in the state level/is good at singing etc etc etc right

Maybe a little very annoying (if you're not running for the school president, that is) but matches up with reality. Elders being proud of their kids' or grandkids' achievements, and more often than not pushing them to do better, to excel. You gotta do better than the other kids in academics/grades/sports/socialablity/arts etc etc

Then Kanghan's father speaks up and his words not only contrasts Kang's grandmother's (can I just call her granny from now? grandmother is too long a word) but with much of the usual way ('usual' cause I can't say every single parent/grandparent in Asia is the same) elders in Asia perceive the childrens' school life. Instead of telling Kanghan to work hard and do well, he actively *discourages* Kanghan to steer away from it.

"This kind of work is not easy, you know?"

"You don't want to do it. Trust me"

Now, I'm all for not stressing out kids. Personal experiences ahaha But this is actively restricting Kanghan from exploring and developing his interpersonal and leadership skills, which, I don't think any parent would want to do? Especially someone from the higher economic background, who would prefer their kids to be all shiny and nice. And this is also cutting off someone's chances of developing themselves, opening their wings to the world.... not the best thing a parent should do, certainly.

But it doesn't stop there. Mr. Father I forgot his name is not merely advising, or cautioning Kang. Instead, he is not leaving Kanghan with any decision to choose whether he actually wants to run or not. He's the one making Kanghan's choices, he's taking away Kanghan's agency.

His words appear to be full of care, concerned for Kang's safety. He just wants his son to enjoy his schools years fully.

"At your age, don't stress yourself out unnecessarily. Just have fun at school and hang out with your friends. Then come home to enjoy a good meal of food. Have a good night's sleep."

But, it just hits me as wrong. Idk why, maybe I'm picking too much, looking at all the wrong things and making the worst assumptions. But still, telling their children to only enjoy themselves and do nothing else... I don't feel like that's the best for their future life, not matter how much generational wealth they'll inherit. The need to show off kids is proportional to economic affluence, in my experience?? But ofc very variable

"These kind of thing suits you better. Trust me"

This line, especially. It makes it seem that Kanghan never had a choice. His father had made all the choices for his present and future based on the image of Kanghan he has created on his mind. Is his image actually true to reality? We don't know yet (it's only the 1st ep and I'm def digging too deep and pulling wild theories out of slowly-thickening-but-still-too-this air.)

Kanghan will be what his father wants him to be, what his father believes would suit him. Not so much of a caring father then, eh?

Another interesting thing is Kanghan's posture. He's tense, hunched, not meeting his father's eyes except for in quick, shifty glances. Completely different from his father's confident, smiley way of presenting himself. He's not smiling, he just listens and agrees quickly without saying a word of opposition, or bringing up his own views on the topic.

And in moments like these I wish I knew gifmaking because when these conversation is happening, Kanghan is fidgeting with the cutlery in his hand. He's nervous, stressed.

And his father, who doesn't want his son to be stressed, should atleast be able to tell how the atmosphere has turned heavy, right? but he doesn't seem t care much about stress on his son if he's the one behind the stress.

Now I'm no body language expert but these are some tell tale signs (though the context of Kang's nervousness can be due to some other history he has with his father, rather than emotional manipulation?)

"Have this, son."

And the obedient son is rewarded with a gift of affection. A show of care. Positive reinforcement. Whatever you wanna call it.

Kang tries to smile but of course he can not.

There's another thing, Grandmother, the oldest one at the table, who ought to have enough authority in the household to counter Mr Father, if not more (cause seniority, filial piety and all that), does not oppose him. Though she is not happy with the decision, and she also wants to see her grandson shine and smile.

Then we cut to the scene of Pimfah hope I'm not mistaking names again and Kanghan in the garden. Here, Kanghan seems fine, he's smiling, but he seems to have a dangerous (sadistic?but not in the fun way. also half title drop yay!) streak to him.

The whole dog discussion shivering and hugging my cats protectively.

"My father told me, if you want to tame a dog, don't be afraid to punish it to let it learn."

At first I thought he's just being his privileged rich oppress the poor talk that he's socialised into for being born into wealth.

But after thinking this way, could it be that the one getting punished and tamed, is actually Kanghan himself? With the way his father treats him, denial followed by care, and the way Kanghan does not even try to disobey his father's words... hmmm....

"They say if you hit a dog too much, it can become aggressive."

Being abused as a child lead to higher chances of the child turning abusive, a bully themselves in later life.

That said, whatever one faces in childhood or any other walks of life is NO excuse for further harming another person. Lots of abuse victims become activists, volunteers, or research into abuse prevention and participate in policy making, too.

But anyway, *if* abuse of truly happening in the father-son relationship, can we hope that Kanghan directs any resultant aggressiveness towards his father at the end of the show? Cause idk if a man of such power and wealth can be held accountable to the law... We didn't get this with Vegas but can I hope?

That said, the following dialogues has weakened my line of thought.

But then again media is always perceived differently by different people based on their socialisation and experiences so...

SO anyway, that's some of the scattered thoughts I had! This is probably not a correct observation (my guesses are never right, I'm not lucky at cards ueueue), and ep 2 will prove it wrong in a few hours. Can't say I'm not looking forward to that ehehe~ What consequences will Sailom face for his daring? Will the teacher get punched? Will Kanghan get beaten? (hopefully by Sailom or his friends and not by his father) Will Nawa get slapped? (Guy looks like he packs a mean slap, and Marc Pahun looks pretty af when he's miffed u.u) Will Pimfah have cute girlie? (I CAN HOPE), will we get to see Sailom's elder brother?

ALSO, since we have yet another politician and his rich, spoilt on the exterior son airing on Saturdays, my views have certainly been influenced, too. There are too many similarities (except Kanghan actually still has a mother figure?), so high chances I'm unconsciously projecting Senator Thattep and Tanthai's relationship on Kanghan and his father's. Maybe all they have is some coldness, or historym or issues regarding Kanghan's mother? The possibilities are not endless, but there's a lot u.u

#dangerous romance the series #dangerous romance #kanghan #sailom #hmmm #the clown makeup kit is all ready for this evening #I maybe wrong but now that I've written it all my brain is quiet atleast #ah

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h1ghtechl0wlife · 1 year

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so i took a nap after complaining earlier which was a mistake on my part bc it always triggers bad nightmares for me. so my twin, specifically stated my twin and NOT a doppelganger, we were having a like war panel w other sets of twins about whether we'd agree to compete as pairs, or if people were going to choose to fight their own twin so they could be the only one left. idk the point of that but.

so my twin and i agree to stay a pair and fight together against other pairs. cut to me walking home thru some back alley and that motherfucker fucking ran me down w his motorcycle, hopped off, and cut me from inner thigh to ankle, nearly to the bone, and left me to bleed out.

so that's the set up, the interesting part is how viscerally i could feel it. it hurt, very badly ofc. that's not uncommon and was probably my brain translating the nerve pain i was feeling irl. that happens semi-frequently. but the more interesting thing was i could feel all my blood falling out of my body, being pushed out in waves to the rhythm of my slowing heartbeat. could feel the ground was cold and so was i but my blood was so so hot. also interesting is i remember struggling to look up at my leg to see how bad it was and seeing my leg separated into basically 2 flaps with blood gushing out made me instantly want to puke in my dream.

irl i have a really strong stomach for gore thanks to growing up in the days if shock sites, which will be helpful w medicine since seeing surgeries or people just shattered from car accidents is sad but not nauseating. but i always figured it was different if it was you, ofc, and it was.

then also considering i havent experienced that particular misfortune... yet, my leg being cut that way, or been concious for injuries that resulted in notable blood loss, things like this always makes me wonder why that's something your brain can simulate. probably the answer is something simple like the vast amt of descriptions ive read or heard from survivors of horrific injuries + gore imagery i ingested at lightspeed as a teenager + my awake hallucinations are largely tactile and i usually feel what's happening to me in a dream. but its interesting to think abt, i think a lot of ppl experience feelings in dreams they havent irl... maybe?

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likearecordbb · 3 years

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about your post on the recent discourse...

it's honestly so confusing to me because like,, you say that ppl pointing out how members of this fandom will make neil very stereotypically 'feminine' is reinforcing the idea of 'masculinity' as one thing and 'femininity' as another.... and i get that we should get rid of these labels. but at the same time... the content itself that ppl are criticising (the ones that 'feminize' neil) are already doing just that. that's why they're criticising it.

i can't point out how ppl are reinforcing the idea that a relationship should have a 'man' and a 'woman', without... saying that that's what they're doing. the writer themselves already sees relationships this way and 'masculinity' and 'femininity' as two different distinct things. that's exactly *why* they're writing neil this way while keeping andrew close to canon.

there's nothing wrong with neil being stereotypically 'feminine' of course. but to act like it's somehow misogynistic for me to go to these ppl and be like 'hey, u shouldn't view mlm relationships through the lens of a hetero one! it can be very harmful' is weird to me... *especially* considering these stereotypes that ppl are pushing onto neil come from misogyny themselves. (ppl making neil much much more emotional than he is in canon while keeping andrew very stoic)

idk, like... ur simultaneously saying that we shouldn't view relationships as needing a 'man' and a 'woman'... while defending people who are doing just that and creating content which reinforces just that.

it's one thing to say 'we shouldn't view masculinity and femininity as two distinct and different things!'/'we should get rid of these labels all together cause they're meaningless'... but if i look at the content that u make/consume and it's practically, if not entirely, all andreil conforming to heternormative stereotypes... then i can't help but feel like ur not as detached from the idea of 'masculinity' and 'femininity' as u would like to believe... i trust the ppl who say these ideas are meaningless while not changing the canon characters because they seem to be sticking to their words.

people will just say that they prefer writing andreil is this heternormative way... they'll just say it what they like or what they're most comfortable writing without ever questioning *why* they prefer it this way.

and if they're projecting.. well then, *why* this couple? why pick an mlm couple to project what is often the experience of a cis woman in a relationship? why pick this mlm couple when there are others that do fit the stereotypical heternormative dynamic? idk. like,, u can do this ofc, but ppl can also call u out on ur shit.

there's an undeniable reason that neil is exclusively the one that ppl pick to make more stereotypically 'feminine'. and there's a reason this type of content is also so popular. and it's certainly not wrong to point this out.

You know, I can see all of these points that you're making. For me, the overall issue of this is very complicated. I am also super uncomfortable with the imposition of heteronormative roles onto...well, onto any relationship, regardless of the identities of the people who constitute it. I was raised smack dab in the middle of the gay community by lesbian moms (together 38 years now, jfc, can you imagine??), so that "man/woman" thing was never something that I grew up internalizing or normalizing. I can recognize that this may give me a bit too much of a sense of objectivity.

However, I'm also like...I've been ruined by grad school. The "feminizing" word makes me really uncomfortable because it starts to stray for me into gender essentialism territory. It also seems to foundationally differentiate between "masculine" behaviors and "feminine" behaviors and I just really hate that? Lesbian moms, trans daughter, bi (and late-in-life trying to see where on the ace spectrum I might fall) self, I've just met so many people with so many expressions of gender and sexuality and I just... Idk, I automatically resist anything that feels like it's upholding "masculinity" and "femininity" as real (as in, not constructed) things. And then I also am like, well, I've known SO MANY gay men who behaved in the ways that the discourse constructs as "feminized" and then I start to feel like, what about these men? Are they less 'men' because of it? How would it feel for that man to read these things saying his identity expression was a problem or a bad stereotype? Do I read *Neil Josten* within that context... no, not really. I think Neil has a 'not enough emotional expression' problem way before he has a 'too much emotional expression' problem.

I'll say here what I often say to my students in complex discussions: I don't have answers. I don't think I'm right and anyone else is wrong. I just have complicated thoughts and feelings and concerns about some of the things that sometimes seem to be left uninterrogated.

So, I do 100% get the need to be vigilant about the imposition of a "man" (dominant, emotionally constipated, sexually driven, stoic) role and "woman" (emotional, needy, teary, dependent) role onto relationships with two (or more!) men or women. I would also argue that we need to get rid of that idea in hetero relationships, too, because it's super damaging. I just wish we could find a way to talk about that that didn't feel like it was accepting this idea of femininity as a given? And I definitely agree that it's problematic when the 'bottom' in a relationship is depicted as the one who's soft and silly and weepy. (Have you read TJ Klune's Tales from Verania series? A VERY fun world that does that not at all and it's great). I'm not saying these things are not worth confronting--I'm just really uncomfortable with the way the conversations are often framed around a concept of femininity/feminizing. It feels like shrapnel, I guess? Like, 'ugh stop feminizing Neil he's not weepy and uwu he's a badass' feels inherently to me like it's making femininity and badassery mutually exclusive? Maybe I'm just looking for a caveat or footnote in the argument that acknowledges that that is constructed *for women too*? And is a part of, like, a larger heteronormative patriarchal structure? And not something that we can just all obviously agree is the way the ladies (should?) behave?

One other question I've been dying to ask, though, is: where are these fics? I don't think I've ever read something where Neil is crying over Jack being mean to him or anything. Maybe if I start to see hints of that characterization, I just close the tab and never end up getting to the 'worst' of it?

Although, if what you said earlier about the "content that u make/consume and it's practically, if not entirely, all andreil conforming to heternormative stereotypes..." was referring to me, then... idk what to say to that. I don't think that's what I do. The heteronormative relationship that you're describing isn't one that I enjoy, desire for myself (or anyone else), or have any interest in reproducing.

Does this clarify what I'm trying to say? I guess it's a really long way of saying, in the old insufferable grad school tradition: well, first we have to define our terms. Because I'm not sure we're all coming up with the same thing when we use the word "feminizing" and that probably has a lot to do with why we keep having this exact same conversation over and over and over again.

If I missed any specific point you'd like to pick at in more detail, please let me know--my very sad platonic life partner (who had to put her beloved 15-year-old poodle to sleep yesterday) and her mom are waiting for me to drive them to the stores for a distraction, so I'm feeling a little time pressure.

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punkranger · 3 years

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💋 📙🛍️ and 🌸 for my fav Antoine, please!

💋 How affectionate are they with their friends? Their family? Their romantic partner(s) (if they have any)? Are they more physical or emotional when it comes to comes to displaying their affection? Why?

Antoine likes to have a lot of like casual physical contact with his friends and loved ones. With that I mean like touching a shoulder, arm, grabbing someone’s hand to point something out etc. He also prefers to be the one initiating contact, even with someone he’s close with. As for hugs, cuddles and such he can find it a bit restricting and overwhelming most of the time, not sure how long it would take him to get used to it but as of now, it’s something that would mostly happen if he’s sleepy and about to go to bed/just woke up..

So in general he’s more physical, at least noticeably. But he can be more emotional (tho tbh its really only with Daniel, and mostly he’s good at being there to talk about Daniel’s feelings and less about his own. Whereas with Ric it usually ends up with him pushing Antoine to talk and Antoine literally running away). Most of his emotional openness would be less about talking about feelings and more just allowing himself to show some more negative emotions (he usually tends to act like things are fine and repress everything else), which in a way happens more with Ric because he feels more comfortable with him, having known him longer.

📙 What kind of subjects (of conversation, of discussion, in school or whatever) does your OC find interesting or engaging or that they can talk for hours about? What kind of stuff do they just find fun?

Hmm i wouldn’t say Antoine would be able to talk for hours about many things, if anything, he’s not really had the time or ability to get that involved in things (other than like his whole villain career but i mean that’s not really an interest or something to talk about in the company of most ppl he knows). But some things he finds interesting are music, fashion (as long as it’s weird and alternative), sports - or like martial arts and different fighting styles and experiences in particular lol - and idk, just general gossip about things going on in the city and the people he knows/has known. To a lesser extent he likes to talk about other places/countries but he doesn’t know much so he’d be more likely to listen (what he does know is either extremely specific first-hand experiences that he doesn’t want to talk about, or just very general stuff).

🛍️ Function or Aesthetic? Skirts or Pants? Heels or Flats?

Aesthetic! (But usually he ends up with something more functional than he’d actually want lol). Pants (he wouldn’t never wear a skirt but its not something he’s got in his every-day wardrobe). Heels, he’s not that short, everyone else is just too tall...

🌸 What does your OC’s voice sound like? Their laugh? Are they good at singing? Do they have an accent?

Oh boy voice descriptions are not easy but i’ll try…

In general, Antoine speaks in a way that is animated, but with a bit of a drawl sometimes. His voice is uuh on the lighter side, average for a man, a bit rough from smoking and he can be kinda loud sometimes.

His laugh is often loud and a bit goofy.

He can sing decently if he tries, but he finds it more fun to sing awfully, probably ruining his voice more in the process.

Originally he didn’t have much of an accent, but because LD became his home he adopted that accent. He was ofc taught to adopt different accents to fit in wherever he went, but given the choice he’s kept this accent.

#Thanks for the ask!#Hope this all makes sense lol #Fallen hero #antoine duman #Asks

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whiteanti · 5 years

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sry if that's gonna turn out long but i really want your onion on it. in relations to that anon who asked you abt white passing people - what do you think about "west asians" loool. like caucasians, not white europeans but people from the caucasus like armenians georgians azeris etc. personally i could never consider them poc lmao first of all demographic region such as west asia doesnt exist, most countries from that region are middle eastern and the ones who are not are BETWEEN europe and asia

and not to bring that up but armenians have been legally classified as white like 100 years ago, ntm how they never looked racialized in the first place its just that white americans considered anything that’s not white american as impure. like even white southern and eastern europeans. and cool you could say they’re white passing poc but there are not Any specific racialized features that make you go oh thats a poc.. its not fucking 2012 anymore we cant still push that race is social bullshit

(i think tumblr ate the 3rd or 2nd ask so im rewriting it) even if it was its still made to not only benefit them but put them on top. with tht circassian beauty shit that was spread among both europe and the global south w circassian women and their “big beautiful hair” as the beauty standard while black women were and still to this day are abused degraded etc for their hair then you have white ass circassians and other caucasians using as an argument about not being white that white russians call thm bl*ckies or the white version of the n word lmaooo can you believe… and like ok your ppl faced genocide and ethnic cleansing from white russians but how does that contribute to you being racialized ESP in the modern day world.

not only that but so many of them have pale skin, blue eyes, blonde hair like straight up cracker and they still insist on being poc just cuz they’re not Straight from mother europe. its just a caucasian online thing to claim the racialized experience for white ppl jokes access and extra oppression points.

if you ask the average middle aged lets say armenian person what race they are they’re gonna tell you white. and with the amount of anti asian sentiment in their communities how tf do they expect to be accepted as asian like they’re truly playing with us.

also wht bugs me is how they cant tell the difference btwn racism and xenophobia/ethnophobia sjhgahsj how do you insist on facing racism without being racialized? they face as much discrimination in white countries as any average white foreigner would but go explain that shit to them that if you’re not racialized you cant use the terms racism and xenophobia interchargeably.

to me the only asians are east, southeast, south, central and north, also anything mixed inbetween. all these crackers lite from the caucasus mountains can go fuck themselves and shove their forced victimization up their asses cuz at this point i’m so tired of their white asses trying to prove me they’re on the same level as us whn it comes to discrimination.

like yes s and se asians are way more discriminated than the rest of us but we (east central north) do face racial discrimination unlike caucasians lmao. and sure they face intergenerational trauma from the genocides of their countries but so do we, in way bigger amounts. thats why im so sceptical abt terms like visible poc cuz you either are a poc or not… they have so many tactics as a gotcha to racialized asians to make us seem as if we’re bigots who invalidate their genocides and talk so aimlessly abt it when all we want is for them to acknowledge their whiteness, white privilege, white guilt and self victimization against us. but anyways im so sry for making it this long but i needed to get if off my chest and you’re like the only person i know who can understand it and give a well thought out opinion. i rlly wish you all the best and good luck on all your exams 💓💓💓

btw for the previous asks i only said “mixed inbetween” bc i talked about monoracial asians specifically not that someone isnt asian if they’re mixed w black or anything else, also idk much abt indigenous ppl from oceania or how they identify so that’s why i left it out

ok so I reformatted some of the asks to make them easier to read (as in I changed where paragraph breaks were bc wow there r so many) but my answer is below the cut!

[EDIT] since a few ppl r asking me abt this no I don't fully agree w this anon. I don't think arabs are white. I don't think Iranians are white. I don’t know if Armenians or other ethnicities from the Caucasus region are white I think thats an ongoing discussion w in their communities, but as far as I knew I thought people saw Armenians as white. again I could be wrong but that is what I think the general consensus is. if you want to have in in-depth discussion abt this topic pls ask someone from within those communities or at the very least has researched it in-depth.

ok so just from what I know a lot of ppl from the caucus region classified themselves as white during segregation, etc in order to escape racial discrimination. Armenians as far as ik r generally classified as white? the Kardashians are Armenian and I don’t think anyone has ever said they’re poc. geographically Armenia is in west Asia so technically they’re asian but does that mean they’re poc? but if u say Armenians r white then r arabs white? Armenians do face discrimination and they have faced a genocide which is denied by the Turkish govt. but most ashkenazi jewish ppl r also white so….. idk.

as for in Europe they would definitely be seen as poc or at the very least not white. basically anywhere east of turkey (ofc excluding Russia) is seen as Big Scary Middle East full of ppl who want to invade Europe. but again in America I’m not too sure bc race relations r definitely different there.

I think its a rlly complex question w a complex answer and tbh I don’t know enough abt any of this to b able to give a cohesive opinion. what I will say is that I think this is a different discussion completely from whether mixed white poc r poc or not. this is a discussion is to whether a whole ethnicities of ppl who look ‘white’ are poc or not. its complicated bc race isn't ‘real’ as in theres not way to divide humans into 5 groups. ppl like from the caucasus region don’t fit neatly into white or asian and if u look historically the region is closely tied w Greece, Iran and the Mughals in India so again… theres no definite answer. but as far as ik they definitely have a large degree of white passing privilege but I would still say to a lesser extent than full white europeans. they’re also mostly racialised in europe or at least demonised to a certain extent. more than Eastern Europeans and less than poc but like idk lol. I hope this is an ok answer bc to b honest my brain is so fried rn

#asks #anon

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grammarkid · 6 years

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can you rant about Jennifer's body plz? I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on it

oh, my dude.. my dude, ur rly gonna regret asking me this. like, i legit wrote a paper on this film. i analyzed it for a month straight and did research. for ur own sake, i’m so sry. for everyone else, i’m gonna put it under a cut, bc.. it’s a lot.

ok, i just want to preface this by saying that i know that the movie is objectively just bad. tbh, the writing is terrible, and diablo cody? thought she could tap into the hip cool teen lingo™️? but she was rly just pulling words out of her ass, so i always get torn between finding the dialogue laughable and cringe-worthy.

but i love the movie to death and i actually got the chance to write a big paper about it in college. long story short, i took this english/social studies class that was all about monsters – vampires, werewolves, zombies, cyborgs, etc. – and how they were representations of society’s fear of those who transgress social norms. so, basically we spent an entire semester studying ‘monster culture,’ a way of reading texts that parses the social anxieties from within their monster stories, bc the word ‘monster’ comes from the latin ‘monstrum,’ which literally means “that which reveals or warns.” so in monster theory, a monster always signifies something other than itself. & our final assignment was to analyze a monster film that we hadn’t discussed in class and explain the issues behind the film’s monster – but i won’t get into all that, bc that’s kind of a diff story.

but without going into all the social anxiety stuff about teenage sexuality, simply put, the film is an allegory for the ways in which sexuality and one’s self-esteem are intertwined. literally, jennifer gets turned into a demon, and the only way she can remain healthy and beautiful is to kill/feed off the guys at her school – but, rly, the story behind that is about jennifer’s insecurities.

listen. jennifer slept with a lot of guys, even before she was transformed into a demon. needy said that jennifer lost her virginity in junior high. did u know that adolescents who have sex earlier are more likely to be depressed and to have issues with their self-esteem? (i told u, i did the research.) and teens with high levels of “sexual permissiveness” are often low in self-esteem in comparison to those who abstain. (no judgment at all, that’s just what the studies say. and let’s talk about the word ‘permissiveness’ here – it’s explicitly stated that jennifer’s already done anal. i’d say that’s permissive for a teenager.) and studies have also found that ppl who do participate in sex will often experience a temporary boost in self-esteem afterward, bc it makes them feel desirable – shocking!!

so, ok, the point is, what jennifer does with boys after she becomes a demon is rly not that different from what she did with boys before she was a demon – she uses them to improve her self-image. (the only difference now being that she.. u know.. kinda eats them.) bc as confident and pretty as jennifer is, she has a lot of problems with her self-image. she’s peppy and vivacious whenever she looks pretty, but rude and mean when she feels ugly. & like, the biggest fuckin’ insult needy could use against her was that she was insecure?? literally nothing else that needy said had any effect on her, but she rly cracked when needy accused her of being insecure. i mean, she literally starts crying as she’s putting on her makeup for the winter formal bc she can see herself in the mirror and she’s ugly, and the only way she can fix that is to, u know, eat a guy – and it’s not just any guy, ok? she’s not just going around murdering the random 65y/o dude in the mcdonald’s drive-thru or the lady running the convenience store. they’re all young guys, around her age, who very obviously find her attractive.

hmm. deteriorating demon eats boys who are attracted to her to regain beauty vs. human teenage girl with deteriorating self-worth and self-esteem sleeps with boys who are attracted to her to feel beautiful again. and uh let’s not forget that girls who regularly use guys are often called ‘man eaters.’ like, it literally could not be more obvious?? yet so many ppl i’ve talked to about it are oblivious.

but the thing that rly gets me about this movie? it’s the relationship between jen and needy. and i’m not just talking about the fact that they made out in bed for thirty seconds – although that does play a factor. i’m talking about how the film is rly an exploration of how these issues literally destroy their relationship.

bc jennifer is detrimentally obsessed with being pretty and popular and ‘socially relevant’ but she can’t let go of needy. needy even says that it’s to the point that kids at their school literally can’t understand why jen hangs out with her?? and i think that reason is pretty obvious.

like, ppl have their opinions, but i feel like there is clearly something between jennifer and needy beyond just friendship? jennifer is constantly sizing needy up, flirting with her, touching her, etc. jennifer even says that they used to play ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ when they were younger. like, idk, that doesn’t seem like something friends do to me?? & it definitely doesn’t seem like something needy would suggest. no, that had to have been jennifer’s idea. but why? bc she has feelings for needy. hint: jennifer didn’t go after anyone in the film other than ppl she could use to her advantage – she explicitly mentions wanting to sleep with ahmet, jonas is the quarterback so ofc sleeping with him would be a boost to her esteem, colin asked her out on a date despite her lackluster appearance, and she also mentioned finding chip attractive. (if she could get him to choose her despite his loyalty to needy, wouldn’t that be a rush? why do u think she was so adamant when she said ‘tell me i’m better than needy’??) she doesn’t even attempt to approach anyone else in that way except needy. immediately after jennifer’s transformation, she goes back to needy. she’s the first person jennifer thinks of, and the first person we see jennifer approach in that way. and the scene definitely isn’t lacking sexual tension?? but ultimately it just suggests that needy could, in fact, give jennifer the same thing she got from the boys – i would even go so far as to say that, as a whole, the film suggests that needy is the only one who could give her that – but she can’t bring herself to do it. she cares too much about her to hurt her, to use her like that, and she even admits that later in needy’s bedroom. she literally says “i couldn’t hurt you.”

like omg the real tragedy of the movie is that needy and jen are torn apart by their missed opportunities. they’re constantly reaching out for one another, but they’re never in sync. after jen’s transformation, needy tries to be there for her, asks her questions, wants to be sure she’s okay, but jen can’t let her in bc she can’t even cope with the truth herself. after she kills colin, jen goes to needy’s room and tells her what happened to her bc it’s taking its toll on her and she’s desperate for needy’s support and validation, but needy is already convinced that she’s evil and her aggressive questions make jennifer retract. and without needy, jennifer has nothing. that’s why she goes after chip, bc it will hurt needy the same way needy hurt her. & personally, i don’t think jennifer was ever truly attracted to chip – i think she was attracted to his loyalty. & she was jealous of needy’s relationship with him bc it was steady and respectful and jen had no way of obtaining that for herself. and at that point in the film, she’s got nothing left to lose. honestly, like, with the others? jen didn’t hesitate. she made out with them and tore them apart at the first available opportunity. with chip? she took him to the pool and they just.. fucking sat there?? she tells him “i feel so empty” and yea most ppl probably take that to mean that she’s hungry, but if she was starving, then she’d just have her way with chip and be done with it, wouldn’t she? but she didn’t want to. she feels empty bc it’s all catching up to her and she doesn’t even have needy to help her through it. needy pushed her away.

which is why i personally think that jennifer looks her absolute worst in the final scene with needy in her bedroom. she fed a bit off chip, obv, bc it was enough to kill him, and enough to completely heal the giant gaping hole in her stomach – which she plainly says to needy only happens ‘when she’s full.’ and yet she’s still so ugly. her skin is pale and her eyes are yellow and bloodshot, why? bc her physical state is a literal representation of her self-image and she feels terrible about herself so she looks terrible. ok, another hint: immediately after jen dies? she’s beautiful again. you literally watch it happen. & yeah, bc the film is about demons and the occult, u could say that the demon left her body, blah blah, but i think she becomes beautiful again bc that’s what she looks like when it’s not being distorted through the lens of her own self-view. all her insecurities aren’t killing her anymore, bc there’s nothing left. (and, just one last note about this final scene. what allows needy to kill jen? she tears off her bff necklace. and then jen literally loses all her power. she falls out of midair. it’s like everything stops, bc she still wore the necklace, she was still holding on to needy, even tho needy pushed her away. that was the last thing holding her together and needy took that too. and i think, rly, that’s what ultimately killed her. sure, the boxcutter had something to do with it, but there’s a reason that moment took up so much screen time, why it had such an impact, whereas the knife going in and that stupid ass ‘my tit’ line were so rushed in comparison.)

ugh, gosh. ok, i rly need to stop now. all that is already all twisted up and it hardly makes any sense bc i was rushing. i could literally go on for days about this movie, but this has already taken up like an hour of my day?? and i’m sure no one has even read this far anyway. but yeah. i have a lot of feelings about jennifer’s body, because imo it’s rly a tragedy disguised as a horror film.

#r u sry u asked?#i'm p sure u are #i'm also sry i'm such a loser #feel free to unfollow me i'm trash

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checkyesifulikeme · 5 years

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on my birth chart & w. sidereal

LONG ASS TANGENT THAT NO ONE BUT ME COULD EVER POSSIBLY CARE ABT BELOW LOL. i just needed to put it into words somewhere 4 myself.

when i first discovered the sidereal zodiac something clicked, like, automatic. i don’t want this to get confused as me trying to push anyone’s hand, to accept a system that does not resonate- although i definitely think it’s worth some digging, i really do. but i understand we all see through a different lens. some pick up what others put down and vice-versa. i 100% believe that both can be valid simultaneously- to each their own! but i was just in the shower thinking about how much sense My personal placements shifting { a little to the east or a little to the west } just Makes. i’m still a virgo rising and an aries sun. my moon shifts to sagittarius which DID throw me for a loop at first lmao. i’ve always clung very tightly to my capricorn moon, although it’s in detriment, it just made sense to me. but with further inspection it came together. a cap moon always resonated because of how quickly i push things away and how i just have trouble making sense of my emotions in general. but there were things that did not resonate, too. i don’t feel that my lower, emotional, instinctive self has trouble feeling necessarily- not to say that cap moons don’t feel but they are considered more detached- i’m steeped in my feelings. but sag moons, and the pada my moon falls into in particular (vedic- which utilizes the sidereal zodiac)- has trouble taking their feelings and connecting them to the outer world. a break in connection. they’re described as more carefree, expansion seeking (i def did not ID w/ the ‘traditional’ trope of capricorn+saturn placements), c h a n g e seeking. i feel like people on the outside who don’t understand my inner workings (which is ofc most ppl) might see me as saturnian in my emotions but i don’t really agree, they’re very, even OVERLY present at all times but connecting them to the surface, connecting w/ those around me through them, can be a bit foreign to me. which my moon in the 4th pada explains fully. along w/ that is my virgo asc: critical, nervous, detail-oriented, a bit of a ‘fixer.’ this is the lens i am filtered through when it comes to the general public. so it makes sense that this earthy screen door breaks up my fire to those who don’t know me well or those i don’t Want to know me well (sun, mars & saturn in the 8th house). place a hand on the screen and it’s hot, you can feel it on the other side, but the image is broken into bits n pieces. my sidereal pisces mercury on the other hand CLICKED instantly. dreamerrrr, to a T. a bit of a space-cadet. wonderful with words on paper and in my head, i love my inner monologue, but everything comes out discombobulated and easily misconstrued on the surface. as a kid i lived in my fantasies and when i say lived i mean LIVED like, convinced myself they were real because i indulged so often type-lived in them. lolll. i also like to make the point that because your sign only ever moves one over, it makes sense that my or your tropical chart could feel relatively homey. everything is connected, right? so why wouldn’t neighboring signs have energies and traits etc. that bleed into one another a bit? it’s all up to your interpretation anyhow. astrology is universal, it’s a tool for understanding at it’s baseline. and if everyone has different lenses, this makes sense. that’s why i don’t like when people try to invalidate those who make the switch to sidereal like ‘oh you just want a different sign’ ‘so you’re just saying you suddenly don’t relate to your tropical chart at all after utilizing it for X amount of time? sounds fake but OK...’ YK? LOL. energy is energy. energy bleeds. and aside from just that, the configuration (and this is the biggest piece of the puzzle for me) essentially just re-configures itself. scrambles all of the pieces into different places. in my chart in particular i see this, which is part of why the transition was so easy to make sense of for me, i think. i can totally understand someone looking at their sidereal chart and being totally put-off if nearly all of their signs have shifted in different directions and EVERYTHING’S completely different, but like i said before, i still think it’s worth looking into and doing some uncovering because in most cases i believe it can make sense. but like i said before, everyone has their lenses and experiences and perceptions and i 100% believe BOTH zodiacs are valid! (7H mercury hiii) this is just my take. energy bleeds, it’s fluid, it moves. idk. just something to think about, if that makes any sense at all to anyone other than me lol. MOVING ALONG ! so yeah your mercury sign has a great impact on your perception+communication, right? it’s almost holding hands with my asc, in my mind. all of the signs+planets are holding hands in the grand scheme of things but my asc and mercury just Feel like BFFs (they are sister signs after all!!!). virgo+pisces working together to shape much of my perceptions+communications when it comes to the outer-world with my virgo asc sitting in the passenger seat and my pisces mercury sitting shotgun. ya, that’s perfect. then those close to me experience more of my fire+water combo, when my guard is down and i feel free to express my innards with a certain level of authenticity that my virgo would otherwise have it’s grip on. next is my aries mars which again, makes toooo much sense. tropical = taurus. slow to anger? uhhhhm? that was the first thing to pop into my mind. i’m very impulsive and angry and childish and reactionary and moves-too-fast-for-my-own-damn-good when i’m excited or angry- anything that brings drive into the equation. i want X outcome, thing, whatever & i want it N O W ! very me, lol. before i chalked this up to being my aries mercury (communication) & sun but again, it’s like i had 1,000 piece puzzle that i’ve been trying to finish forever and almost all of the pieces were in place but there were just a few with familiar edges that fit but not quite. and then sidereal came along and i was able to pop them all in place, exactly how they should be, and suddenly everything is clear as crystal. it still blows my mind to think about lmao. then my venus OH my VENUS ! in sidereal aquarius as opposed to tropical pisces. nownownow. another one that felt very RIGHT but i definitely did experience some trouble detaching from my pisces venus because aspects did makes sense. but. again. the fucking 1,000 piece puzzle. my pisces mercury + my aqua venus. those piscean, compassionate, dreamy, almost unconscious traits. i still felt them, they were very real, very there. it was just a matter of interpreting exactly where those traits tied back to. venus represents: “love, romance, sensuality, culture, beauty, affection and social appeal.” ! aquarius is: “progressive, original, independent, humanitarian.” i relate very very very much to aqua venuses. in love of all kinds very detached, extremely open-minded yet at times stubborn (seeing as aqua is fixed air), i feel suffocated without my independence like clingy-ness makes me feel like a wild dog (which could previously be chalked up to my aries stellium ofc) PARTICULARLY in romantic relationships. there is definitely some pride here as well (fixed). aquas a bit of an anomaly because it’s so extremely independent and One but at the same time humanitarian and forever-extending to contain More. ‘One’ can be interpreted that way, though, singularly or collectively. makes cents. in relationships i’ve always vowed to never ever ever say i love you first, make the first move, etc. because i’m too proud and too comfortable with being detached, leaving no room for painful rejection (my virgo asc also comes into play). but it was easy for me to mix that up w/ a pisces venus because of my pisces mercury- my communication style. my deeply empathetic Understanding and wish to understand, to unravel and envelope- all while being fiercely independent and determined to have a clear and defined Self within that curiosity and feel for all else. y’know? idk if this makes sense to anyone but me but it makes the MOST sense to me lol. 1,000 pieces. and when it comes to sidereal the arrangement is unnervingly Me. so yeah. that’s why i use sidereal LOL. { not getting into further placements bc do u see how fucking long this thing is already but believe me i’ve got plenty more where tht came from :p } TOODLES.

#astro #m

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ilygsd · 6 years

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200918: 1

someone fuck me in the asshole honestly im shocked how can this dude NOT UNDERSTAND??? hes really good at cognitive empathy, he has a nice moral compass he follows ”be kind, be nice” but he cant fucking FEEL what hes doing

and like....... thats important to me??? and apaprebtly NO ONE has ever criticized him for it or whatever? like his ”intentions”?? ofc he cant help he doesnt feel emotional empathy but he literally cant spot the DIFFERENCE!!! he’s like ”as long as im kind and a nice human being” like bitch NOO!!!! i like you!!! you ”like” me, but you like me bc u think im interesting and you think we can learn from each other. which also is important OF COURSE!! but BITCH I LIKE YOU BC I FEEL FOR YOU THATS DIFFERENT

we’ve known each other for like 3 weeks, met 5 times and we’ve already had 3 major fights??? mainly over text/phone but still.... he’s so fycking mean? he really tries to manipulate me that ugly fucking whore!!! he guilt trips me all the fuxking time i cant say anything he’ll explode and i need to apologize or some shit otherwisw it would never end. and i know what the fuck he’s doing because i used to be the exact same. honestly we are similar in many aspecrs EXCEPT for the ”feel”-part. i feel TOO MUCH. and the difference is that im not manipulating him.... because i KNOW i cant. i know he’d see right through me, there’s no POINT

like i used to be like that too, maybe i still am. i ALWAYS win fights, no mercy. its like i turn off my empathy during fights but AT LEAST i feel AFTERWARDS!!! he doesnt. he realize he did wrong bc of his ”morality”. bitch i could CRY, because he literally scolded me over phone when i was on the bus and there was NOTHING i could do to stop him. i tried to talk to him but he only continues cus i fkn refuse to oBEY HIS ORDERS??? but i cant hang up either cus then he’d never talk to me again and i’d feel like shit......

he’s pretty calm irl, ive never seen him angry irl and i hope i never will holy SHIT!!! he’s so good at hurting, like he turns everything youve ever said to him against you. he’s so fucking good at it cus he’s so god damn good at reading people. thats what makes him so charming. i DONT UNDERSTAND how can his precious girlfriends not have CARED??? apparently i’m the first to criticize him and one of the few to trigger him and im like..... bruh how?? i literally dont say anything and you fucking explode?? are your family and friends blind??? are you doing this to me because you THINK the manipulation will work??

also...... he sees it as something positive that sick bastard. hes like ”well i think this could be good” and im like ”uhhhh bitch it is I who get scolded???” and hems like ”but i feel and too :((” he’s such a fkn dumbass. this is his politics too. he believes in reverse racism and is probably sexist too smhhh. i was like ”are u dumb, u hit me in the face and tell me its bad for you too bc u feel vad abt hitting me??”

i am impressed by how he chose to ve ”kind” or whatever instead of psycho even though i still think he’s selfish and does it for his own gain aka he LOVES to learn things, experience things. he’s very ambitious, energetic and curious. but he doesnt understand. he’s like ”well im kind to you thats all that matters?”

the thing is, he’s not even kind??? he basically forced me to taste his disgusting vanilla coffee OTHERWISE he would take the blanket away??? he sees it as teasing and it kind of is yeah..... if i didnt know that his 1000% serious?? he honestly think its a ducking compromose?? im lile ”uhh a improvisera would be for me to taste a little coffee and then you to give me another blanket or AT LEAST stop nagging”

and when i finally tasted the ugly coffee he wanted to know if i thought it was good and i said ”yeah its ok” bc im not a liar, it was better than expected. and hes like ”thats all i wanted to hear” I KNOW BITCH, YOURE NOT THAT FUCKING SLICK ITS PRETTY FKN OBVIOUS

also he always adds rules??? everythings always on his conditions? also he kinda thinks i should be thankful for him not being an asshole??? or maybe its that i actually VRITICIZE his intentions. yeah i think that brothers him. i think he thinks it entertaining because he doesnt care when he get angry. i didnt use to either. i could just forget te fight and move on, it wasnt important to me. but fuck now when i KNOW what its like......

im like ”ur threatening me to drink coffee” and hes like ”arent u happy i put extra much vanilla for you?? i usually drink much stronger but i didnt for u? arent u happy i gave u the blanket? i actually was goong to put it on the couch and leave u cold but i didnt?” BUT HE ONLY PUT ECTRA VANILLA SO I WPULD TELL HIM IT TASTES GOOD SO HIS EGO CAN BE BOOSTED

calso he kinda forced me to drink alohol?? i was like ”im feeling like shit if i throw up its tour fault and you will have to clean up” and he’s like ”no you’ll have to clean up” BITCH I SONT EVEN WANT TO DRINK YOURE PUSHING ME

soooo many red flags fuck i really SHOULD leave now when i can and now when im not too emotionally invested. but oMG IM SO CURIOUS!!! we’re so similar yet so different!!! we can relate to each other in some ways the bad thing is that since he actually cant FEEL empathy, he doesnt BELEIVE me even when i tell him the truth. im not sad bc i want to manipulate him. im not even sad that his words are huetful even though they are, because i know he’s fucking weong. im sad because he treats me lile this. im sad because i like HIM!!! i genuinely LIKE HIM!! but he doesnt fucking understand?? he doesnt understand the difference between LIKING someone and LIKING to HANG OUT with someone. i like him because i like HIM I FEEL HIM, he only likes to hang out with me.

he talks about this as ”his way” and ”bot traditional” way of feeling. his version and definition of ”love” and ”affvtion” is so fucking weird??? we were cuddling and he said ”wow u make me feel more” LMAO BULLSHIT. I CALL FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU ONLY SAY THAT CUS U THINK THATS WHAT I WANT TO HEAR

im partly okay with him being low empathy, he cant help it and i actually genuinely believe he believes he’s doing the RIGHT thing. like he believes it so much and... i guess he is?? like what choice does he have? he cant fucking feel, the least he can do is be kind anyways. he cant help that its not genuine and i guess i’ll have to accept that, but i al NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THOSE CHEAP TRICKS. i didnt say anything but i bet he would even understand if i pointed it out. he’d be like ”but its true!! i feel more with you” no bitch, you only say/think that because you WANT to be with me and now when you know thats what i want to hear thats what you say. smhhh

also i remember in the beginning when i kinda confessed and he was like ”it takes time for me to like someone” and in like???? uhhh okay? and i was anxious abt it cus i really didnt understand what the fuck we were and he just kept ”it takes time for me to like someone” to i was like ”okay but its not like im super super deeply in love with you or anything?? like.... i can like people??” BUT NOW I FUCKING UNDERSTAND HE LITERALLY MEANS BASIC ASS EMPATHY. IT TAKES TIME FOR HIM TO FEEL BASIC ASS EMPATHY FOR OTHER PEOPLE

i just dint understand how the fuck he’s able to still have a family and friends and stuff. how..... how can no one care??? i said ”theyre being manipulated” and hes like ”no i just dont think they care. they just like that im kind and dont think much abt it” but both youre not kind??? but when i tell im its not genuine he goes with the ”well we’re all egoists anyqays, we’re all doing things for ourselves, ur egoist too” yeah but i can still FEEL

i dont wanna be a dick. maybe its just me?? maybe its just because i feel so much and thats why i really NEED that genuine feeling?? no, i know why...... fuCK ME!!! i CARE because i like him 😔😔 bc i think hes so smart and interesring and i see him as someone potential and thats why i keep test him like this 😔 and its for no use because i cant change who he is 😔😔 would i care about these things with some other guy??? no. because i sont care abt them, but i care abt him and thats why 😔😔

hes not even guilt tripping me for it (wow ”yay” ) he just doesnt understand. he doesnt understand the difference or why i find it important. he just sees it as ”him being different” and ”him feeling in another way”. thats not it. this is not normal. this is because of childhood trauma and im so fucking sad for you, no offense, youre doing tour best but thats so sad

well anyways, even if i were to accept his WEIRD ASS DEFINITION OF LOVE he STILL needs to fucking stop with his abuse??????!!!! out of the 3 fights he has told me 2 times he’s going to ”try” but bitch WE KNOW HE WONT. HE CANT! HE CANT BECAUSE HE CANT FEEL WHEN ITS ENOUGH. IF HE FELT EMPATHY HE WOULD KNOW WHEN TO STOP. BUT HE CANT. im just waiting for him to explode someday. i literally asked him ”what should i do next time” and he’s like ”idk, i cant tell you what to do”. omg its true. theres nothing i can do, he’d still be so pissed at me no matter what. and me just asking him is such a BIG RED FLAG like we ALL KNOW.... or not him. he’s like ”maybe we wont fight” LMAO HAHAH YEA BITCH NICE TRY BUT WE WILL BC U START IT

hes so fucking sensitive. we had a misunderstanding, he started to scold me, i got mad and he kept gaslighting ”no i didnt scold you” and when i called him out on gaslighhting..... oh boy...... he got SO FUCKING MA, accuses ME of gaslighting him?? accuses me of ”starting” it with my ”passie aggressiveness” ok maybe i was passive aggressive but i WOULDNT IF HE DIDNT SCOLD ME ABOUT IT. i cant ever criticize him because he goes bananas. ok maybe im not the best to criticize others, im very....... bold. BUT I KNOW IM RIGHT??

last time he got angry because i said ”ppl listen to you bc ur a white man” and he started to bring up his childhood, told me im insensitive, theeatened me to hang up, never talk to me again if i didnt ”respect” him aka ”obey” him, he guilt truppen me, told me no one would want to me with me blah blah blah

a part of me is happy u dont really fall for that bullshit. like yes if course im HURT!!! but as i said, im not really hurt because he really is trying to hurt me. he really WANTS to hurt me. he even takes pride in it?? ”im very good at making people feel very good, and im very good at making people feel very bad” it makes me so FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I LIKE HIM I WANT HIM TO SEE AND UNDERSTAND SO HE CAN GROW, THAT IS EMPATHY PEOPLE, THAT IS GENUINE LOVE

we’re so different. we use completely different tactics. when i used to manipulate my ex.... i NEVER did personal attacks like he does. i never used smth personal AGAINST them.... i was more about.... guilt tripping? more about ”u dont love me, pity me”. im not saying thats good, i was horrible but what he does is just MEAN. i dont understand how anyone can keep up with that kind of behavior. i even told him when we fought and he responded ”well i need to keep up with u”. he always does that and that actually hurts because i like him. and he knows that. he always says ”ive been sitting here, listening to you, been kind to you and....” etc. etc

WHYYYYYY am i the only one criticizing him?? WHY is he like this to me? is it because i see through his ugly acting?? is it even possible for us to ever be healthy together? we can learn from each other, no doubt. but is it healthy???

when i tell him i feel bad bc of horrible manipulative and emotional abusive things ive done he understand but hes like...... ”thats ok dont be so hard on yourself, just learn, everyone makes mistakes” but like no?? THIS IS NOT OKAY!!! he also keeps saying i’ll become like him and like ”stop caring” bc ”we cared too much before” but NO I DONT WANT TO BECOME LIKE YOU!! I ADMIRE YOUR THINKING SKILLS AND ID LIKE TO LEARN SOME OF THAT BC WERE POLAR OPPOSITES YOU THINK, I FEEL. YOU CANT FEEL, I CANT THINK AND HANDLE MY FEELINGS

i dont WANT to. thats the difference. im not satisfiera!!! i told him i dont want to apologize to my ex best friend (who i treated like shit) until it feels GENUINE and hes like ”pfft... its better than nothing. she wont know if its genuine anyways” and im like bitch.... i WANT to be genuine because i think she would appreciate it more and I would feel better about it and hes like ”oh so its cus u wanna feel good about it” OH MY GOD HES SO ANNOYING

i really should pack mt bags and run. why did i have to fall for him UGHHHHH. why do i let him treat me like this when i’d never let ANYONE else do it. its so weird, im very picku with guys. i dont fall for ANYONE. i ALWAYS pick nice and kind guys so why him? i thought he was nice, yeah fair enough, but i still like him even though he isnt? i dont think its me being awfullt desperate, i really wouldnt let anyone be like this. like BOY HE BEKIEVES IN FUXKING REVERSE RACISM DO YALL THINK I WOULD HANG IUT WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT??? or maybe i am desperate. yes i am. im desperate for the connection i feel. thats kinda sad. i feel a strong bond to/with him, i feel like we’ve been through some things and i still look up to him and how he has recovered. he gives me hope that i can also be happy one day. I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE HIM but i still want to learn from him. and i sont think i will ve like him because im not a sociopath. i just want to take the good stuff and then become better

omg i really am similar to him. im really here feeling superior. i do feel superior because i can feel. i feel superior and a part of me wants to use him. hes a real challenge. i dont think i can maniplate him, it would be amazing to have him feel something for me...... IH MY GOD THIS IS SUCH A FUCKING MESS. NO THIS IS NOT IT. I DO LIKE HIM IM NOT LIKE HIM. IM NOT THAT FUCKED UP

i get really annoyed when he claims im similar that i also want to control and manipulate and im like NO BITCH WERE SIMILAR BUT NOT HERE, like not when im trying to be calm and grown up and have us silver things, not when im crying because he huet my feelings but................ maybe hes right. or maybe hes just manipulating me??? maybe its both. ofc its both. i WAS HURT, i actually HAD anxiety!!!! if that bastard could feel, he would have known it was GENUIKE. AND HE WOULD HAVE KNOWN IM TRYING TO BE CALM AND AN ASULR BECAUSE HE SURE AS HELL FUXKING ISNT AND I ACTUALLY LIKE YOU BITCH I WANT TO SOLVE THIS FOR MY OWN SAKW TOO SO I CAN BE WITH YOU WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A CHEAP WHORE WITH NO SELF RESPECT.... BUT YES OF COURSE I WANTED HIM TO FEEL FOR ME TOO. IT DISTURBS ME SO MUCH THAR I DONT HAVE AN EFFECT ON HIM HEA LIKE A STONE AND OFC IF ANYONE SAW US FIGGT I’D LOOK LIKE THE CALM ONE. hes wrong though bc i used to think like that too with my ex bff. i used to think damn shes only like that so she can feel superior to be and humiliate me but no. she was right. she was more mature than me and she did what she had to do AND THATS WHAT IM DOIKG TO SO FUCK YOU

only way for me to manipulate him would be sexually. he’s that pathetic. a fucking horny dick, thats what he is. but it wouldnt even be manipulation because honestly if hes that fucking horny then its his choice. its not like i’d ever r*pe him, i dont even wanna have sex with him that guy has some HIGH STANDARDS i feel like a virgin next to him but since im not he would also expect more smh. i dont even dare to kiss him back. im only used to virgins so they dont have any experience lmao but... fuck i cant this time

he’s so cockt though for real. he brags about this and that all the time which is kind of his charm..... if it wasnt for the fact that hes always so competitive and serious LMAO. like it would really hurt his ego if i questioned him. imagine me telling him his sex, kisses, brain/psychology or smth was bad. i swear to god he would want to scold me and call me some real nasty things but he probably wouldnt

#diary #jo

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

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thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings:

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours.

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess.

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant.

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it. and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold.

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks.

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves, no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example.

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel.

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit.

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth

#rant time #bc i guess i need to vent out my feelings that are just annoyingly complex and i cant actually deal with them #aka i hate myself #but not like actively or aggressively #i prefer not think i exist but thats not even covered up above #just bullshit #dont read if youd like to keep your day being nice

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