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hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger · 6 years

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Oh boy one of these again

“Even though both of these characters are awesome, fans can’t help but argue among themselves, so the question is simple: Who makes the better Spider-Man? Is it the new kid on the block who is winning new fans over left and right, or is it the classic Spidey that basically started it all?”

It’s Peter.

This isn’t even a debate.

One character is literally trying to be a replication of the other but throwing in some zigs where they zagged, whilst the other is the thing being replicated that also revolutionized comic books forever.

“As always, the answer to this question is: “it depends.” ”

Yes. It depends if you are a moronic clickbait author or not.

Do most Miles Morales fans even honestly argue that Miles is the best Spider-Man as opposed to just...great in his own way?

Like I’m pretty sure most Ben Reilly and Sam Wilson fans don’t try to honestly assert those guys are better than Peter or Steve.

“How do you even begin to measure something like this? ”

Who has had the biggest impact on the medium.

Who was most original.

Who has the most acclaimed stories.

Who has had the most comparatively unconvoluted narrative.

Who’s stories stick closest to the fundamental guiding ideas behind the core concept of Spider-Man and execute that the best.

Mystery solved.

20. MILES: BETTER ORIGIN

“The Peter Parker Spider-Man has an origin story that is downright iconic. There’s no denying that. However, if we’re being honest, then Miles Morales has a much better origin story. And it’s one that modern audiences will find a much easier time relating to.”

Hmm, a scientifically gifted teenager gets bitten by a super science spider and gains spider powers that he doesn’t commit to using altruistically for the wider community. Because of this he fails to intervene in a crime the results of which ultimately wind up killing a noble person he admired. From this he learned that his great powers should be used responsibily to help others and carried a burden of guilt around with him. o this end he dressed up in webbed spandex and became a crime fighter called Spider-Man.

Yeah...I can see how that is so much better and modern than Peter Parker’s origin...

This doesn’t even explain how or why the origin is better, it just says Peter’s origin is iconic but Miles is better and leaves it at that.

Surely if something is better than the iconic thing you’d have more to say about it.

“Miles, meanwhile, had to deal with his powers being stolen by an uncle (whom we saw briefly in Spider-Man: Homecoming) before Miles’ early exploits with Venom led to the loss of his mother.”

This isn’t part of his origin and therefore doesn’t belong in this section.

Moreover it’s asinine because it omits Peter’s early adventures to give the false impression Miles is better.

Let’s say Miles’ uncle stole his powers. Why is this somehow better than ‘My uncle is dead, I need to step up and replace him as the man of the house, also my aunt is chronically ill, I am cash strapped and I constantly get shit in both my identities’.

Call me crazy but wasn’t Spider-Man supposed to be ABOUT those normal life problems as opposed to the inherently fantastical problem of your magic science spider powers getting jacked?

Or your mother dying due to an ooze monster before she was literally resurrected like two years later negating all drama?

Even if his mother had remained dead, how does this make him better than Peter? His mother died. Wow. I’ve NEVER seen a superhero with a dead parent before. I’ve NEVER seen a female supporting character die in a superhero story before. Certainly not a Spider-man story. Certainly not a Spider-Man story that changed comic books forever before shallow repetitions like murdering the characters mother turned it into a mess of a cliché. A mess of a cliché that the same guy who did it reversed 2 years later.

“In this way, he feels a much keener guilt over the passing away of a family member than Peter Parker does”

**** please!

His mother came BACk to life two years later and it wasn’t like his ENTIRE motivation after she died was BUILT around his grief over her death.

Like Peter brings up Uncle Ben’s death so much that we needed to do a movie that SPECIFICALLY DOESN’T BRING IT UP!

And this isn’t even getting into how despite being a family member the best analogy for Rio within Peter’s story is Gwen NOT Uncle Ben.

And you cannot with a straight face tell any Spider-Man fan Gwen’s death was not AS keenly felt by Peter as Rio’s was for Miles.

Miles quit after Rio died and then an arc or two later after a time skip he was back in the saddle. Meanwhile literally 2 years worth of issues were devoted to depicting Peter’s grieiving of Gwen and then we also wouldn’t shut up about it for another 40 years!

“making him not only more motivated, but more sympathetic in the eyes of the readers.”

If Rio’s death made Miles more motivated than Peter...why did he literally quit being Spider-Man after she died?

This gets even dumber when you consider this article is drawing an analogy between Rio’s death and Uncle Ben.

RIO’s death motivated Miles to quit for A WHOLE YEAR!

Uncle Ben’s death motivated Peter to BE a superhero for *checks watch) 56 years and counting!

And what is this the tragedy Olympics? Miles deserves more sympathy because his mother died when he was fighting a villain than Peter does for when his father figure died due to someone he failed to stop?

At best BOTH things are equally tragic and worthy of sympathy.

At worst if you truly contextualize this, fuck no Miles doesn’t deserve more sympathy.

I’m not saying ‘screw him he deserved it’. I’m just saying of course Peter had it worse.

When Rio died that was the third major death in Miles’ life. His mother, his uncle and Ult Peter Parker.

Yeah, that’s 2 dead family members to Peter’s 1 circa Gwen’s death right?

Wrong. Peter lost his parents, his uncle which was his fault, George Stacy who was another father figure which he also felt guilty over and then also his girlfriend/practically his fiancé...which he also felt guilty over.

Then you’ve got the fact that Miles, whilst feeling guilty over Ult Peter’s death, didn’t actually know him personally. Peter knew all those people personally sans his parents, but they were still his parents.

And then he had to be the provider for May whilst having exactly zero emotional support from anyone other than her. Miles had Ganke through everything. Peter had jackshit and was also getting bullied and was also getting hated on by Jameson.

You can’t even say “Well Miles had it worse because he saw his mother die violently right in front of him.” Peter saw and CAUSED Gwen to die violently in front of him, he saw George Stacy die violently in front of him, he at least KNEW Uncle Ben died violenty and in his own home to boot.

And unlike Miles’ uncle or mother none of THOSE people came back to life!

19. PETER: CREATIVE USE OF POWERS

“Have you ever thought about how limited Peter Parker’s powers really are? No, seriously — he has spider-sense and super-strength, and he made himself some webs and that’s it”

-and, spider agility, and spider speed and you know wall-crawling the one thing his namesake, a spider, FAMOUSLY does!

“Seemingly every issue has him doing something new with his powers,”

Says someone who’s clearly not read much Spider-Man.

How the hell do you even begin to try and have him do something new in every issue across multiple monthly titles across 57 years my god!

18. MILES: COOLER COSTUME

“If you were trying to figure out what the most iconic comic book costume was, it may very well be Peter Parker’s Spider-Man costume. Those red and blue tights have inspired literally decades of comics fans, young and old. But we hate to break it to you: Miles Morales has the cooler costume.”

“The red and blue may be iconic, but it’s also difficult to translate into the real world, such as live action films.”

This is fucking moronic on four levels.

Level 1: It was a costume designed for a comic book which isn’t set in the real world or even in a live action medium so the point is fucking moot because the measure of a COMIC BOOK character’s costume is how well it works in a COMIC BOOK.

By this logic Batman’s costume sucks shit because it’s rarely translated well into live action and usually needed to be made all black.

By this logic ALL MANGA isn’t that great because none of it translates t the real world.

Level 2: If the thing is ICONIC then obviously is does effing work!

Level 3: Solid black with red patterning on top of it. Yes. I can see how this is very original and inherently better.

Level 4: The red and blue costume has literally been translated into film FOUR TIMES!

“Meanwhile, Miles’ black and red costume looks sleek and modern.”

Looking sleek and modern doesn’t counter ‘is difficult to translate to film’. Those are two separate things.

Moreover, it’s ‘modernity’ is afforded it by being again, mostly unoriginal.

Shit Spider-Man’s SECOND most iconic costume, which is also more iconic than Miles’, is even MORE sleek so does that make it more ‘modern’ too?

It’s the same nonsense as before, ‘it’s just better’. How and why!

“ It’s a perfect compromise between comic book sensibilities and real world aesthetics”

Which means it’s not as good in the medium it was designed for as another costume that was!

“and you can’t help but grin whenever you see it.”

That isn’t even a point, that’s barely even an individual opinion!

17. PETER: BETTER LOVE INTERESTS

“Sometimes, comparing Peter Parker and Miles Morales feels like comparing apples and oranges. ”

And reading this article comparing them feels like throwing up.

“That’s because there are some cool things that one hero has that the other doesn’t, meaning there’s no real comparison. ”

Okay like...first of all if the author actually believes that then what the fuck is the point of this list!

Second of all, the fact that they are comparing them means obviously they can be compared.

Thirdly the fact that they are literally both characters called Spider-Man, with spider powers, based in New York, who got their powers the same way, fight ostensibly the same villains and (allegedly) touch upon the same types of sub-genres and are both made by Marvel comics OBVIOUSLY MEANS THEY ARE COMPARABLE!

Like fuck dude, this isn’t like you are trying to compare Spider-Man to the Power Rangers!

“Peter Parker has had an epic romance with Mary Jane Watson, as well as dalliances with Felicia Hardy and Carlie Cooper.”

Really? You are going to list off a quick romantic history of Spider-Man and you mention MJ and Felicia and...Carlie Cooper.

A character not seen since 2014. A character who dated Spider-Man for like one year publishing time.

You will mention her but not, I dunno, Gwen effing Stacy?

16. MILES: MORE INFLUENTIAL

I’m face palming from just the title of this one.

“One reason that we think Miles Morales might be the better Spider-Man is because of how influential he is. And we’re not just talking about more and more fans discovering the character each year. A major bit of evidence is that his character highly influenced the insanely successful Spider-Man: Homecoming.”

Well I’m happy somebody is acknowledging Homecoming was basically a whitewashed Miles movie.

“An example of this is Peter’s friend in the movie, Ned Leeds. Longtime Spidey fans were surprised that he looked nothing like the Ned of the comics. That’s because his design and characterization was based on Miles’ friend, Ganke Lee. On top of that, we even see Miles’ uncle, Aaron Davis, played by Donald Glover. This gave many fans hope we’d see Miles Morales in the MCU!”

Just to be crystal clear here, this ‘article’ is asserting that Miles Morales, a character invented by Bendis and Pichelli less than 10 years ago, is more influential than the character that....literally every teenage super hero after 1962 was inspired by (including Miles himself)...who was created by one of the art Gods of all comics and the single most famous writer of comic books of all time.

And their ‘evidence’ for this was...one movie from last year...that he wasn’t even in...

15. PETER: FANTASTIC…FIVE?

There is nothing objectionable in this sans the fact that he joined the Future Foundation not the F4.

14. MILES: STEALTHY SPIDER

“We love Peter Parker’s abilities but if we’re being honest, they don’t always make a lot of sense. Detecting future danger and being super-strong is really neat, but it never exactly screamed “spider” to us.”

Spiders are very strong for their size. Hence ‘proportional strength of a spider’ as a commonly used phrase associated with the character.

The Spider Sense is more defencible as being ‘not a spider thing’, but there are still ways to explain it.

“It felt a bit like the writers were just making stuff up.”

...making stuff up is literally the definition of writing fiction...

“And if you’re going to make up some weird powers, we say “go big or go home.””

None of Peter’s powers sans his spider sense were even remotely weird if he was intended as a human spider.

“And that’s why we like Miles Morales’ cool stealth ability. His ability to blend into his surroundings creates some really fun stories, and adds a fun dose of Batman to the Spidey stories that we love.”

Not only is this dumb because being like another character is not a good thing (doesn’t it make you less unique), but worse it pretends like having stealth is something that’s even MORE insane for a spider than spider sense.

It’s not.

Spiders can camouflage into their surroundings like you know....shittons of animals people commonly know about.

13. PETER: AVENGERS MEMBER

Nothing that wrong here.

12. MILES: GALACTUS FIGHTER

“When fans argue about which characters are the best, there are plenty of different metrics. One of the biggest, though, is who the character has managed to fight. And if a hero is able to take on a villain well above their weight, it establishes just how serious they are.

So, how can you tell that Miles Morales is the best? He managed to take on Galactus. No, seriously — when Galactus threatened the universe, Miles Morales teamed up with resident big brain Reed Richards in order to get information and allies. While it was definitely a team effort, Miles should get credit for tackling a bigger foe than Peter Parker ever did.”

This is so fucked up it’s not even funny.

By this logic ANY TIME Peter contributed even a little to a team effort that ultimately led to beating someone it should count on his win record.

Okay then. In AvX he contributed to fighting the Phoenix, which is canonically MORE powerful than Galactus. He’s also contributed to fighting Galactus in Secret Wars. He contributed to fighting Onslaught who was approaching a Galactus level threat. He contributed towards defeating Scarlet Witch in House of M and restoring the 616 universe, Scarlet Witch also being even more powerful than Galactus in that story.

If you DIDN’T use this type of bullshit then Peter has taken on supremely more powerful foes than Miles.

Juggernaut, Hulk, Tri-Sentinel, Rhino. The entire X-Men.

Even the stuff that doesn’t make sense for either character put Peter ahead. Peter beat Firelord a Herald of Galactus, whilst Miles beat Blackheart, the son of Mephisto.

Let me remind you that Silver Surfer, also a Herald of Galactus, has beaten Mephisto himself.

Therefore Firelord is most likely put of Blackheart’s weight class.

11. PETER: CIA PARENTS

There is nothing incorrect in this but why is this a point in Peter’s favour? Spider-Man is supposed to be down to Earth so the more James Bond super spy craziness involved the more reductive it is.

Hell it doesn’t even make sense against Miles since Miles dad worked for SHIELD.

“We shouldn’t be surprised Peter is who he is when he had parents like this!”

Yeah or you know it could’ve been because of Uncle Ben as literally every version of Spider-Man spells out for us.

10. MILES: S.H.I.E.L.D. AGENT

“Just as you can judge a hero by who they fight, you can also judge them by who they fight alongside. When a character joins a team with a proud history and powerful members, it goes to show just how amazing that hero is. And this is why we love that Miles Morales is a member of S.H.I.E.L.D.

He was hand-picked as a hero with great potential and trained by the greatest secret agents on the planet and this is all the more impressive because he already has more training and experience at his young age than Peter had way back when.”

See what I said about about James Bond stuff in Spider-Man being a bad thing.

Also, if Miles is better because he fought alongside SHIELD, then by this logic Peter would be better because he was a member of the Avengers and FF...at the same time.

Moreover, whilst it’s true Miles has had more training than peter had, he hasn’t necessarily had as much experience.

And the point is moot if training and experience doesn’t translate into you being a better fighter, and at a comparable age, Peter definitely could’ve beaten Miles provided the writers didn’t cop out and have his Spider Sense not work so he can avoid Miles’ cheat code Venom blast.

9. PETER: CHEATING HIS DEMISE

“One time, Kraven filled Spider-Man with tranquilizer darts and left him to pass away, going so far as to bury him. Peter emerged alive, but he later “passed away” after fighting Morlun, only to be reborn with weird new spider-powers. It turns out you just can’t keep him down!”

Okay, but he also died in Secret Wars, Infinity Gauntlet and Infinity War (the comic, not the movie, or it might’ve been Infinity Crusade).

8. MILES: BETTER SUPPORTING CAST

Oooooooooooooooooooooh boy can’t wait for this!

“Sure, given enough time, you may be able to rattle off a few additional names when it comes to Peter Parker’s supporting cats.”

This is such BS because Felicia alone is a more memorable supporting cat than any of the felines in Miles’ series.

LEARN TO SPELL CHECK ON THE ARTICLE YOU’VE BEEN PAID FOR!

“But when pressed, most people will simply say “Aunt May and Mary Jane.””

No, most people would say Aunt May, Mary Jane, Harry Osborn, J. Jonah Jameson, Gwen Stacy and possibly now Ned Leeds due to Homecoming.

And that’s just for Joe Average on the street. Actual comic book fans would say all those people and also probably Black Cat, Betty Brant, Joe Robertson, Liz Allan, Flash Thompson and possibly Norman Osborn and Eddie Brock (the latter being a mistake due to adaptations but still, they’d mention him).

“And while we’re calling them a “supporting cast,” they often don’t play a major role in the story.”

Almost like they exist to...SUPPORT the main story isn’t it? Wheras being a MAJOR character would be different.

This is also a BS metric to use for Spider-Man. Spider-Man’s core concept involves him being a normal guy in his civilian life who is also a super hero, with those two sides impacting upon one another.

Since most stories are mostly about the hero stuff it means that to get the supporting cast involved in major stories would make them involved in the super hero stuff and therefore make Peter’s civilian life NOT normal.

“With Miles, he gets to have his spider-cake and eat it, too. He has a major supporting friend in the form of Ganke Lee, who provides insight into both the personal and the superhero life of Miles. And Miles has an extended supporting cast as part of all those team-ups: Avengers, Ultimates — if Miles needs help, some A-listers are just a dial away!”

First off, by this logic Mary Jane from like 1984 and Aunt May from 2001 would count as equally as Ganke.

Second of all Ganke is literally the ONLY supporting cast the folks with the most cursory knowledge of Miles could name. Even under CBR’s nonsensical logic of Aunt May and Mj being the ONLY people anyone would know from Peter’s cast, that’s still two vs. one. The author brought up a point against Peter and then failed to demonstrate how Miles is better in comparison, probably because he wasn’t.

Thirdly the Avengers and the Ultimates are NOT supporting cast members, they are team mates!

Fourthly, by that logic Peter again has the advantage since the Avengers, F4, the (Netflix) Defenders, the X-Men and literally everyone he ever teamed up with in Marvel Team up count as his supporting cast!

7. PETER: DEALING WITH THE DEVIL

Forget what I said earlier. Now THIS really should be good!

“We’re going to keep saying this over and over again, but the best way to judge a hero is to look at the villains they have gone up against. And in the case of Peter Parker, he’s actually survived the greatest villain in all of history in the devil himself or, as they call him in Marvel Comics, Mephisto.”

That is such insane broken and desperate logic I almost want to love this article for trying.

Peter is better than Miles BECAUSE of the worst Spider-man story of all time.

Wow. That’s beautifully bonkers.

But seriously, this is...just holy shit.

Peter did survive an encounter with Mephisto...but Mephisto was never trying to kill him. They never exchanged blows at all.

Saying Peter survived Mephisto is like saying Miles survived God Emperor Doom in Secret Wars, therefore he’s more awesome.

Then you have the fact that Mephisto really, really, really isn’t even the greatest villain in the marvel universe. I hate to invoke Quesada, but he isn’t even the ACTUAL devil. He’s not even the ACTUAL guy who rebelled against God and was damned to be the ruler of Hell. He’s one of the 4 rulers of Hell alongside Satan, Satannish and Lucifer, who is the ACTUAL Biblical devil. In fact one of them (Satannish) is himself the SON of the Dread Dormammu and supposed to be weaker than his old man IIRC.

DAFQ are you the greatest villain when the DAD of one of your peers is a bigger deal than you are?

And if we ignore morality for a moment and look at raw power, shittons of antagonists are much more powerful and dangerous than Mephisto or else have been capable at times of owning his red ass.

Thanos. Firelord. Hela. Galactus. Annihilus. Dark Phoenix. Arguably Apocalypse and Onslaught.

“Longtime fans don’t like to remember this because it is a highly controversial story. ”

Longtime fans? It was only 10 years ago!

And the sequel was only 8 years ago!

And it got referenced explicitely THIS YEAR!

“Spider-Man basically gets Mephisto to save Aunt May’s life, but Mephisto’s price is that he will rewrite reality so that Peter and Mary Jane never loved each other. ”

Holy shit that isn’t even an accurate summation of the most infamous story ever.

Mephisto rewrites their marriage, not their love. And Spidey gets him to do nothing, it was an offer Peter accepted.

“Is it the clumsiest reset button ever? Sure. But Peter still survived encountering the ultimate evil.”

He survived in so far as he didn’t die. He objectively lost though.

6. MILES: PLAYING WELL WITH OTHERS

“One of the weirder qualities of Peter Parker is how much he likes to keep to himself. ”

No one in the real world does that. And it isn’t like he has a rich friendship group or anything.

“Sure, he’s been on many teams (and that many more team-ups), but at the end of the day, he prefers to work alone.”

Except when he’s in Marvel Team up or with Black Cat.

“This isn’t the case for Miles Morales, which is why the young man has better allies than Peter does.”

Preferring to be a loner vs a team player doesn’t make you better or worse it’s just different. But even if it didn’t Peter has allies too. Most of Miles allies are also Peter’s and Peter has even more.

“Who are we talking about? Miles is both friends and allies with characters like Ms. Marvel, Nova, Amadeus Cho,”

And Peter is both friends and allies with characters like Captain Marvel (both female ones), the ORIGINAL more powerful Nova, and Bruce Banner, a.k.a. the original and holy fuck immeasurably stronger Hulk.

He’s also friends with Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Wolverine and most of the X-Men and Avengers and F4.

“He seemed to figure out something early on that eluded Peter Parker for many years: that it’s good to have a support system in place, especially as a superhero!”

And yet, Peter survivied on his own for years like a bad ass.

5. PETER: THE MAN, THE MYTH

“While the comic played coy and never confirmed this, it is strongly hinted that Peter Parker is part of centuries of “spider totems” that are chosen as champions. That means the spider that bit him was not powered by radiation: it had powers it wanted to give Peter, and only later passed away due to radiation. You may or may not believe it, but Peter quite likely has centuries of lineage fueling his powers!”

Again this isn’t necessarily a good thing.

4. MILES: BETTER VILLAINS

BWAHAHAHAHAHA...oh they’re serious...

Do you want to know the secret to nostalgia? Your brain only remembers the good parts of whatever you’re thinking about. Your buddy that loves ’80s music? Trust us when we say that he managed to brain wipe some pretty awful stuff — it’s a lot like that with Peter Parker’s rogues gallery.

Sure, there are some cool villains like Venom, Green Goblin, and Doctor Octopus, but there are also some real lame ones like the Shocker.

a) The author can go suck a dick, Shocker is awesome.

b) Yeah SOME cool villains like those 3 guys...and Carnage...and Kingpin...and Hobgoblin...and Rhino...and Scorpion...and Electro...and Vulture....and basically everyone under the Ditko run

c) By this logic Miles villains suck ass too because he’s fought many lame ones too

“Compared to this, Miles Morales has fewer villains, but that means fewer duds as well. ”

Super hero rogue’s galleries are not marked negatively.

It’s one thing if you have few good villains and most of the time you fight lame ones.

It’s entirely different if you have a lot of good villains, and way more disposable rarely seen lame ones. The lame ones don’t make the whole thing suck shit.

This is particularly asinine since most of Miles villains are either Peter’s villains or else the Ultimate versions of them.

What is worse is that by this logic BATMAN has a worse rogue’s gallery than Miles Morales!

“We’ll take cool villains like the resurrected Aaron Davis over Peter Parker’s C-list baddies any day!”

So would I probably but would you take him over Venom, Doc Ock or any of the Osborns!

3. PETER: ALIEN FIGHTER

I don’t even understand how this is a point in Peter’s favour

2. MILES: SPIDER-BITE

“As we said earlier, it often felt weird that Spider-Man wasn’t more like, well, a spider.”

He is like one the author is just a jackass.

“Which is one of the reasons we appreciate Miles Morales so much. In addition to having a cooler backstory”

A near identical backstory made cooler because the author said so...

“and a more realistic costume, ”

Which is bad because in a visual medium like comics where you aren’t bound by the constraints of reality (hence spandex looks awesome) ‘realism’ in your costume designs is not a good thing.

“Miles has more realistic spider-powers as well, including his “bite.””

...his what?

“With a simple touch, Miles Morales is able to incapacitate villains. Now, Spidey being Spidey, he still has to engage in some wild fisticuffs on more than one occasion, but it’s pretty cool to see that he can take down major bad guys with a spider-bite instead of just fists powered by “radioactive blood.””

Wow.

Lets unpack this.

First of all the author is such a dumbass they don’t even realize Miles’ Venom blast (not named because the author is a hack) is not a representation of a spider bite, but of a specific ability some species of spiders possess wherein they can paralyze foes with bio-electricity.

This is one of THE most well known things about Miles.

Second of all if this was analogous to a spider bite wouldn’t it i dunno involve his fucking TEETH!

Third of all this is Miles’ worst power. It sucks the drama out of action sequences because it’s an auto-win button which means he wins too easily or looks like a moron when he doesn’t just bust it out.

1. PETER: STOPPING THE UNSTOPPABLE

Again, there is nothing wrong in this, but like...how does this prove Peter is better.

This article made me ill

#spider-man #Miles Morales #Peter Parker #CBR #comic book resources #Ganke Lee #Rio Morales #SHIELD #Ultimate Spider-Man #SPider-Man: Homecoming

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kazephantom · 7 years

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Spider-Man Homecoming thoughts

Well, my first one is kind of a spoiler but I think it is important to know. Leave your expectations at the door. This is a new version of Spider-Man, one that is different from any other version. This is not Sam Rami Spider-Man, this is not Andrew Garfield Spider-Man, this is not Ultimate Spider-Man cartoon or comic, and this is not 616 Spider-Man. This is a new version, a new interpretation of the character and mythos. That being said, I liked it for what it is.

Thoughts and spoilers below the cut

The two best parts of the film are Tom Holland’s Peter Parker and Micheal Keaton’s Adrian Toomes. The two actors play their characters so wonderfully well, Tom Holland’s Peter really, really reminds me of Tobey Maguire’s, from the voice he uses as Spider-Man, to how he sometimes comes off as lovably pathetic, and Hell, in some shots Tom Holland even starts looking like a younger Tobey Maguire. That being said, he does tell more than one joke in the film, so his Spider-Man has that over Maguire’s. Oh, it should be noted though, he does not have Peter’s anger. Even in the scene where Tony takes away the tech suit, I really expected him to get angry there and show that aspect of the character off, but instead he just, kinda starts to cry. Which, I don’t know how to feel about.

Micheal Keaton. Hands down. Plays the best MCU villain. To date. Better than Loki. There I said it. Hiddleston’s Loki has always had the problem of being too sympathetic to be taken seriously as a villain. But Keaton. Holy shit. Everything he does is for his family, there’s a scene where he’s with his family and he is so sweet and caring and a perfect father and husband, but then. HOO BOY. That car scene. The scene where Keaton is dropping Peter and Liz off at the dance, I had white knuckles all the way through it. The way he made Peter say ‘Thank you’ was terrifying. And the way he found out Peter was Spider-Man, as they drive and you start to see Keaton put the pieces together. HO-LY SH-IT. Only problem: nobody ever in this whole film calls him “The Vulture.”

Two more important notes about Spider-Man. First, Remember how in Civil War he was really, really strong? Well forget that, because in this film he’s really, really weak. Like, the weakest we’ve ever seen him. Not just his strength, but also his sticky powers. It is commonly accepted that Spider-Man’s stickiness is absolute, that it is an unbreakable molecular bond. When he sticks to something, if you try to remove him from it you will break the thing he is stuck to before the sticky bond comes undone. Well forget that. Because in this film Spider-Man is slippy and sliding all over the place when he’s sticking. Not just when he’s on a plane and in huge wind resistance where it might make sense, but when he’s climbing the Washington Monument, he can be seen sliding and loosing his grip on that too. This could just be chalked up to him being nervous and inexperienced, but I really, really, really hope that it changes going forward and that Marvel can stay consistent with how strong this version of Spider-Man is supposed to be. Oh yeah, and no, at no point in the film did Spider-Man ever express his Spider-Sense. I really hope this is just a case of “his powers are still growing”

Second point, that inexperienced bit. Yeah. This is the most inexperienced Spider-Man we have seen on film to date. I think the best symbol for this is the fact that this Spider-Man never once webswings in the city. He is always shown in the residential neighborhoods, never once does he really webswing around. He never goes to the big buildings. Again, for this movie I liked that and it fit it’s tone, but I really hope the next film has him going all out, and has him in true form.

No Daily Bugle, no J. Jonah Jameson. I really think they were afraid to recast him after J.K. Simmons’ legendary performance, and as humorous as that is, I’m kind of sick of it. Just recast already, we’re at the point now where it’ll be ok. Bite the bullet on this.

I was one of those people who was really afraid this film would turn out to be Iron Man 4, and I am happy, so so so happy to say it is not. Yes, Tony is in this, yes Iron Man is in this, but it’s not too much. Tony really only has four relatively short scenes that I can remember, but they are important scenes plot wise. I think he basically shows up to open and close every act. The movie is definitely about Peter though, thank god.

Oh yeah, and the Iron Spider is in the film. Or, a version of it. It invokes feelings of the Iron Spider, what with being an armored costume for Spider-Man, but in the end Peter turns it down and all for the better..... but I want a figure of it. It was kinda hard to see the design, since it was in shadow a little, and there was no glory shot of it, but what I saw of it was cool and I want a figure of it.

Best Aunt May, her role in the film is what every Aunt May’s role should be. Oh, and that was the absolute best way to end the film “WHAT THE FU--”

Oh yeah, I was also worried about the highschool setting, since 30 year old writers pretty much never know what a modern highschool is like, (I’m 23, only 5 years out from it), but this highschool setting was perfect. The teachers. Just. Did. Not. Fucking. Care. And that is so much my highschool experience.

Zendaya is MJ, but she’s not Mary Jane, and she’s really only there to set-up for the sequel. It’s really nice set-up though. They seem to have a good grasp on the idea of MJ’s character, how she wears a metaphorical mask to hide her true self just like how Peter wears a literal mask. All we see in this film is her metaphorical mask persona and it’s good to be acquainted with that before exploring her further. NOW, Yes, I would have preferred 616 the-mask-is-a-party-girl-Mary-Jane, and yes, Changing the character’s real name to Michelle is absolutely fucking unnecessary and stupid. But I think it’s too early to judge this version of the character because we have so little information about them.

Also there to set-up for the sequel is Mac Gargan, he has a role in the film itself as one of the people buying Vulture’s tech, but really his most important bit is the mid-credits scene, where he sets up the Sinister Six, and then Micheal Keaton’s Vulture wonderfully knocks that set-up down. Also, he does not become Scorpion in this, though if he does come back in the sequel to be Scorpion I’d be cool with it. His character is pretty much a total psychopath and we haven’t seen Spidey fight a villain like that in the movies yet.

That being said, if the next movie is Sinister Six I have total faith in Marvel to be able to do it, since this film had Vulture, Tinkerer, Prowler, Scorpion, and two Shockers in it, yet it never felt like that weighed the film down. Showing Spider-Man 3 and The Amazing Spider-Man 2 once and for all that it doesn’t matter how many villains you have, it’s how you use them that matters

The post-credits scene is the funniest one yet. Funnier than Deadpool’s even.

Now, there are two things about this movie that I absolutely LOATHE... or, at least don’t like and think were completely unnecessary

Ned-- Holy fuck he was annoying. His dialogue was nowhere as cringy as it was in the trailers, since they did that thing were they used alternate takes for the trailer lines, and yeah, the trailers for this film did not do it justice at all. Ned’s “But you are a kid” line in the trailers sounds so forced and poorly acted, like he’s trying to be epic about it but comes off instead like he’s out of breath, but in the film it is so much more natural and quick. Back to the point though. Yeah, he’s just Ganke. They stole Ganke from Miles, gave him a white guy name, and gave him to Peter. And ‘Nedke’ and Peter do not have the same chemistry that Miles and Ganke have. Nedke’s role in the film is basically to just be a tool, a tool for the film so that Peter has someone to talk to to explain things too, and someone to be really, really stupid. And that role would’ve been served so so so so so much better by Harry Osborn without the stupidity. There is a montage at one point where Nedke is asking Peter a bunch of Spider-Man questions out in the open and Peter is just trying to get him to shut up, and it was so annoying I wished Peter would punch him in the fucking face. ....That being said he had one of the funniest jokes in the movie. “I’m... watching porn?”

Karen-- Hoo-boy. Ok. So. Spider-Man really is kind of just an Iron Man Jr. Even down to the fact that his suit has it’s own AI that talks to him and tells him what to do and stuff. The taser webs are stupid and unnecessary, as is so so so much of the tech in Peter’s suit. I’m glad that the webwings are clearly shown to just be for short range gliding, but I still think they’re unnecessary. The film seems to go out of it’s way to show how Peter’s standard webline could be limited in certain situations, from being in a residential neghborhood, to climbing the Washington Monument where there’s nothing else around to swing on, setting an action scene on a boat (which how Iron Man saved that boat is completely physics defying), to even having Peter go way up into the air on a plane. Back on point, yeah, Spider-Man’s suit has a completely unnecessary AI. It’s only real purpose in the entire film is to be the punch line to one joke where the AI, which should have no human emotions or concept of human relations, tells Peter to kiss Liz.

Other things I didn’t like but don’t really get on my nerves too much

The music sucked. Just, sucked. The only one that was any good was the orchestral version of the 60′s theme song. I’m really torn with which theme I like better, the Orchestral 60′s or the Rami theme. One of these days though, I need to put together a Spider-Man playlist and show these films what that should be like.

Peter didn’t end up beating the villain, he just won through pure coincidence. Which I guess can be part of the point and audiences might be tired of the “good guy wins through a fist fight” climax, but still, Peter’s victory in this just, didn’t feel earned. He didn’t show Vulture error of his ways, or talk him out of a life of crime, Vulture’s wings just took on enough coincidental damage to finally explode of their own accord.

Alright, I think that’s everything I wanna get down. Or at least everything I can think of right now. I’m tired now, gunna go watch some reviews, see what others thought and hopefully get to see this film in theaters again soon with friends.

#Spider-Man #Spider-Man Homecoming #Marvel #MCU #Peter Parker #Tom Holland #Spiderman

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