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josiebelladonna · 1 year

Photo

for my first post of 2023~

january 2013, 139 pounds

——

january 2023, 264 pounds (lost a few over christmas; i plan on gaining about 15 or 20 this year, though, ha!)

there’s not a lot of pix of me from back then, and for a good reason.

there is another pic of me with that nirvana shirt from that era somewhere, and i cannot for the life of me find it. but it’s the one pic of me where you can really see just how thin my face was back then.

i was 19. 19 and scared shitless and angry, angry at herself for always saying yes when she really wanted to say no. 19 and very thin: heavy pixelation or not, you can see how slender my face is, how prominent my chin is, how slim my neck is. what she would do to be the early 2020s version: she would be frightened but intrigued. how did i gain all this weight? how did i get here?

and then i would tell her that i took a leap of faith and gained very slowly over a decade just by eating, pretty much: i mean, part of the healing process from anorexia is eating, but once you get comfortable again (and you will, very quickly, might i add), just eat anything and everything except for what we don’t like, and have it in bigger, multiple helpings, too.

put cream in your coffee, but don’t forget to eat something with the coffee as well (made that mistake once on a school day, i’m never doing that again). give up soda except for special occasions because it’s not good for the skin and it’s always made us jumpy, too.

stuffings are very fun, especially on afternoons when you’re alone in the house so no one can be around to judge you: you don’t want to do them a lot for obvious reasons (hard on the digestion and it’s just courtesy), but it’s very euphoric when it happens, especially when you take the next step in outdoing yourself. you will find favorite foods to gorge on, like pancakes and big fat sandwiches, because they’re healthy but they also make you gain. you will learn little tips and tricks on how to gain healthily, like putting a teaspoon or two of heavy cream into your coffee along with creamer to add more good fat (it’s quite delicious, too), making pancakes with grapeseed oil instead of butter because it’s better for you and it also doesn’t smoke (and you wind up putting a shitload of butter on all 11 pancakes. yes, i said 11 😉), or eating a lot at around 3 in the afternoon and into dinner time to help you gain because of the way the metabolism works.

you’re also going to learn the power of balance: something fatty, with something sugary, with something full of proteins and good carbs, and you might want seconds, too. next thing you know, you have just eaten a bunch of food and you have a very full tum that needs to be gently rubbed—speaking of, belly rubs are incredibly therapeutic and sensual, especially when your belly gets as big as mine.

you’ll want more fried foods, too, like french fries, funnel cake, donuts, and fried chicken and waffles, probably because they’re deemed “sinful”: don’t buy into it. eat those things, they’re yummy! especially chicken and waffles.

sneak extra food when no one’s looking, too: remember we used to do that when we were living with grandma and grandpa and she would give us shit for wanting to eat and grandpa would dismiss her tripe as… well, tripe, and so whenever we were alone, we would take extra cookies from the cookie jar with his blessing? keep doing that but with other things besides cookies: after your second helping of dinner, especially if it’s pasta, sneak in some extra bites for a sort of third helping. have a second sandwich at lunch. hell, just have seconds and thirds—gonna be a while before we get up to fourths, though. but we deserve it.

you’re also going to start calling yourself a “gainer” and you’re going to feel comfortable calling yourself that almost immediately because you’re deliberately gaining weight solo and it just feels right.

you will quite literally feel your belly getting bigger too, like every time you sit down, you’ll feel it very slowly spilling out of your jeans or your underwear. next thing you know, it’s going to push your legs apart and want to hang down to the top of the chair, and it’s actually going to feel really good to you, like there’s something really sexy about having that much belly on you. you sit down and it wants to spill out every which way, oh—oh, my 😏

you will have stretch marks. you will have love handles (and how). you will bounce when you walk, and once you get up to this weight, your belly will resemble to a lava lamp, too, and it’s gonna feel good, like you’re going to be soooo in love with that bouncy feeling because it’s cathartic and hypnotic, and liberating.

it’s very liberating being a gainer girl. everyone will tell you to lose weight and that the real hot babes are the slender ones. but you’ll be artist, cartoonist, comic maker, writer, reader, earth science buff, nuclear science buff, poet, athlete, wannabe playwright and meteorologist, amateur photographer, music fan, car nut, hockey player, baseball player, sorta socialite, and gainer girl all at the same time. you’ll be all those things and more, and our body is at the center of it all. and you’ll see very quickly that they’re sorely mistaken because hotness has no size, and it never should have had a size to begin with. you will also have a very odd but very sensual fascination with your belly button because you’ve repressed feelings about that, too.

also, don’t suck in your gut because there will come a day when you relax... and you look down and you can’t see your toes, and you’ll laugh your head off, too, like “oh my god, i have a potbelly now, this is so good!” because it actually looks really hot on us, and it’s going to look even hotter as we gain more weight.

your body will get very soft and very round, but also very muscular and stout, and your belly will go from a flat, slightly caved washboard to being very round and tubby. moreover, you’re also going to continue to feel your ribs and your hips so you’re going to feel curious about... what lies beyond the 267 mark. yes. you will want to get bigger and bigger because it feels right. it’s what we’ve dreamed of, being chubby. we’re going to get very chubby. maybe even fat. we dreamed of being fat since we were a toddler (remember? we used to pretend to be fat with elizabeth and we’d joke around about eating too much like in some cartoons, and we’d pretend to live in candyland). trust me, we’re not going to be like mom or the rest of the family and be unhappy with extra weight, either: we’re going to be the black sheep, but it’ll be more than worth it.

and despite the snoring (easy fixes for that, almost too easy), the fact we live in a world that likes to body-shame no matter how big or small you are (there’s going to be this woman our age named meghan trainor who’s going to have this huge song next year that’s supposedly body positive... it’s not; it’s skinny shaming and misses the point about being a fab fat girl as well), the fact that clothing designers think anyone over a size 18 has no fashion sense (i’m still trying to get that), and the fact that you’re going to have to feed that big belly every couple of hours even in the middle of the night, you’re not going to want to trade it for the world because... i’m gonna be honest here, it’s like your body wants to be heavy. remember when we hit puberty and it was almost overnight we gained a bunch of weight and there was something kind of hilarious about it? and then we couldn’t believe that we dropped down to 139 pounds at age 19 after we weighed 175 at our high school graduation?

remember? when we were little, and living in the trailer park, and our parents only had so much money on them so we could only eat so much, and we were curious about life with more food available to us, and we would look at our belly and imagine it being big and fat and we actually felt tickled by the thought, remember that? remember in like 8th grade, when we would lay in bed at night, and we would run our hands down our poor, abused stomach and try to think of it as bigger and rounder? don’t repress that anymore: follow it. we imagined being fat out the gate, let’s make it a reality.

you are going to love your potbelly, and you are going to love it so much that you want it bigger, fuller, rounder, because you’re actually going to get really sensual and men and non-straight women from far and wide are going to look at you because they think you’re sexy (and knowing how society is, kinda daring, too): you are going to want to wear tight pants and tight shirts to accentuate its full shape because once a tomboy, always a tomboy.

and trust me when i say this, too: you’ll feel so much healthier with the weight. you know, we always heard bullshit like, “being overweight is a sure-fire way to give you heart disease, cancer, diabetes,” all that, growing up, but you won’t feel like that. in fact, you’ll find that it’s mostly bullshit based on eugenics and white supremacy and sexism—and you’ll find the whole thin obsession and diet culture are recent things, too: overweight, chubby, fat, very fat, and obese women were venerated for as long as humanity has existed, and we find out about this, the whole “breaking the glass ceiling” thing hollywood likes to employ becomes extremely strange.

yes, there are risks associated with obesity, but that doesn’t mean it’ll happen, though, especially if you know your body and use your head (why i gained using good fats like peanut butter, grapeseed oil, and straight butter rather than junk food or margarine). if anything, it’ll be quite the contrary: you’ll feel nourished, and well-fed, and at peace, and you’ll feel sexy, too. your back might hurt a little bit, especially when you get close to 230 but it’ll go away almost as quickly as it came—remember when we were playing hockey and our hips and thighs would hurt all the time? you’ll see that that pain is worse than a little ache in your back from gaining 5 pounds. you will be living proof that this is actually very healthy for someone like you, someone who’s spent her whole life with very little to eat and a very small, malnourished frame when she knew in her heart that it was not her truth.

yes, people will judge you: they will be merciless, they will shame you, especially once your belly starts to bulge out from under your boobs in all its fattening glory. they’ll even be triggered by it (wtf, i know). but it’s really none of their business: they don’t know what it’s like to be us. they don’t know the extent of everything we went through. they don’t know how we feel inside or what goes on in our brains. they don’t see it as a form of healing, a form of making peace with your body and finding a reason to live, and a way of seeing yourself as sexy. they don’t know shit.

i’m getting repetitive with it, but you will feel very sexy with as your weight really starts to balloon and get high up like it is now. it’s a concept that we battled with all year long, because we had a lot of complicated hang ups that were going to be sorted out eventually, but you will have people checking you out and you’ll notice. remember when we were like 14 and someone next to us would say some boy was checking us out but when we looked, there was no one there? that’s a thing of the past, babe. especially since you are going to want to

ahem.

model

that

big

belly.

show it off,

let it go

because

you

are

one

hot babe now. you are a hot fat babe, babe. being overweight will give you the confidence you’ve wanted for so long but couldn’t get. and it’s something you’ve repressed your entire life and yet it’s a part of you, and

you’re going to wonder why we didn’t get big sooner. it’ll be fun. it’ll be delicious and devious and subversive but the best things in life are. we were thin our whole lives and we stared at the end of the road as a result: we will have so much more fun in the opposite direction.

plus, it’s wild to think that that nirvana shirt was like a circus tent on me back then. it was! i remember it hanging over my boobs and the way it rested on my waist made me look matronly, even at that slight weight. i wear it now and my belly hangs out of the bottom without fail.

come to think of it, i remember taking that pic and leaning back in the chair with my eyes fixed on the ceiling and muttering to myself, “i wish i could gain 100 pounds.”

like i said, i’ve pretty much always wanted to be fat, but back then, i didn’t think it’d be possible.

also, i don’t know if it’s from gaining so much weight and my face getting rounder along with everything else or just from getting older, but my eyebrows have this little point to them now: it’s very slight but it’s there. getting away from the madonna look and more into the actual karen carpenter look. godspeed, karen 🕊

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